Diary. Volume XX. 1876–1877

I • II • III • IV • V • VI • VII • VIII • IX • X • XI • XII • XIII • XIV • XV • XVI • XVII • XVIII • XIX • XX • XXI • XXII • XXIII • XXIV • XXV • XXVI This edition is the first publication of all currently known diaries of the holy righteous John of Kronstadt (1829–1908). The diaries cover the period from 1856 to 1898. At the moment, diary notebooks for 1885–1890 and 1894–1896 and for the period from 1898 to mid-1908 are missing. The absence of notebooks over the years does not in any way detract from the significance of the publication, since the missing notebooks would have added some details concerning the life of the righteous man, without adding anything substantive. In connection with the publication of the diaries, it should be said that for the first time they provide the opportunity to compile a true biography of the righteous man, both from the point of view of facts and the essence of his spiritual feat. The currently available biographies of Father John of Kronstadt are somewhat simplified: they are neither an icon nor a photograph, but rather look like a popular print. As an entertaining read, such biographies have a right to exist - but as an aid on the path to salvation, as a spiritual guide, they can do more harm than good, since they can mislead the reader about the life of the righteous, painting a picture of the world around him, in which there was little resemblance to the real, often very harsh reality. Many pages of the diary are written by Father John with the utmost frankness, so that the reader may wonder if he is an ordinary person, Father John - although he is a priest, and perhaps sinners like us. However, a careful reading and study of the diaries of the righteous man shows that no, he is not at all like that and that there is almost an abyss between him and us. What modern Christians are already accustomed to, what constitutes, one might say, the almost everyday side of the life of a modern person, that world of thoughts, which is almost the usual environment of the inner life of a modern Christian and is not even realized by him and is not assessed in any way - this was recognized by the righteous as a bitter fall, requiring on his part the most cruel, merciless reproof. His self-reproach is so great, consistent and persistent that it shows that truly the Spirit of God was at work in him - and even though the Lord allowed him to stumble, He also quickly raised him up. By the strength of his struggle with mental temptations in the midst of the sea of ​​life and in the midst of the world in which he lived, the holy righteous John sets an example of one of the greatest saints of the 19th - early 20th centuries, on whom the great mercy of God rested, which, according to the word of the Apostle Paul, “depends not on the one who struggles, but on God who has mercy” (Rom. 9:16). Knowing that Father John loved divine services and himself read the canon at Matins, some priests also try to read the canons at Matins, but often do not get what they expect, because, making extraordinary but isolated efforts, they lose sight of the concern for the hourly and minute-by-minute correction of their soul, the unceasing presentation of their conscience to God, which requires tension of a different quality. In this case, it is no longer the person who is trying to do something good from his point of view, but the person’s soul is enlightened, like glass by the rays of the sun, by the word of God, which is “living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword: it penetrates to the division of soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and judges the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from Him, but everything is naked and open before His eyes: to Him we will give an account” (Heb. 4:12-13). Man is judged by it every minute and tries to remove from the soul every stain that is revealed on its clothes by the Divine verb. That is why the diaries of the holy righteous John of Kronstadt begin with an in-depth reading and interpretation of the Holy Scriptures. It is impossible to be saved and have the right to live without knowing the Law of Life, without fully studying the will of God, embodied in the Holy Gospel. This is the first commandment of the righteous to all those who are being saved - to read, delving into the content, and again read the Holy Scriptures, delving into the inspired verbs, and judge themselves with them, and as they are fulfilled, again ask the Lord to open the mind to understand what is being read. It is like an unshakable stone on which only everyone can erect the structure of their salvation. From the diaries of Father John, we learn how he struggled with the passions inherent to one degree or another in every person, what his true relationships were with his colleagues in the church, with his wife Elizabeth and with relatives - and these relationships were very far from what is usually portrayed by his biographers. But from the diaries we also learn which path the righteous man followed and what Christian way out he found from the complex collisions of human existence. “What is my diary? – wrote Father John. - Not my praise. He is the story of my sins!” Among other aspects of the righteous man’s life, attention is drawn to his attitude towards the poor, who asked him for alms many times a day. There were dozens of such petitioners, and later hundreds. Many of them were people who really got into trouble, but there were also many about whom it can be said that although they once got into trouble, they made this very trouble a means of their livelihood and no longer wanted to fundamentally change their situation, the consequence of which was their impudent, and sometimes simply arrogant behavior. Father John seemed to them to be a kind of simpleton who could, without hesitation, be deceived countless times. The priest himself, however, tried not to notice this deceit and not to be embarrassed by it. Guided by the words of the Gospel about the benefits of doing good to those in need, he strove with all his might to fulfill Christ’s commandment about poverty to the highest degree possible. And since this commandment about the merciful, whom the Lord raises to the level of bliss of the true sons of God, opens before man an eternal, incorruptible life with the saints, its implementation in the life of any person certainly faces the most fierce resistance of the spirits of darkness. Father John does not often speak in his diary about his feat of charity to the poor. But he depicts every mistake, his mistake, his sin of hard-heartedness towards them in a very three-dimensional manner; he brings before God's eyes for judgment his heart wounds inflicted by the sins of love of money and hardness of heart, asking the Savior to heal these ailments. However, Father John’s irritation with some beggars is not an everyday irritation characteristic of us, but it is the irritation of a person carrying out a feat, and an extraordinary feat, which no one in Russia then carried out to such an extent. And therefore, one can correctly judge Father John only by carrying out the same feat. “I cried before God against society for not caring for the poor and for providing them with my meager means. If even now this charitable institution does not take place (the House of Diligence - Ed.), I can only complain to the Lord at the throne about the hard-heartedness of people - and it will not be a shame for me that it will not take place, but for society, for for my part I carried the poverty of Kronstadt on my shoulders for seventeen years and always and everywhere, as much as I could, I satisfied the real poverty. Of course, sometimes I was wrong. Who doesn't make mistakes? I was sometimes mistaken about the faces of the poor; I made mistakes myself... But don’t judge me for this: I’m a human being. One thing I will say is that there were many, many beggars..." Reading these lines, the reader should clearly understand that not only in Kronstadt, but throughout all of Russia, we repeat once again, there was no such person at that time who daily (!) personally (!!) distributed alms to support the poor of the city, and not for a year or two, but for decades, distributing alms both from his own funds and from those that the Lord gave him through other people. The rich society of that time, despite all the attempts of Father John to get him to participate in this holy work, with exceptional unanimity responded to his calls with deafness and hardness of heart. Russian-European society, which did not hesitate to call itself Christian, having appropriated a huge part of material wealth, enriched itself at the expense of others, without adequately paying for the work of millions of people, did not at all want to share its accumulated wealth with anyone. The word of the Apostle James came true over this society: “Behold, the wages that you withheld from the workers who reaped your fields cry out, and the cries of the reapers have reached the ears of the Lord” (James 5:4). This inexpressible grief of many people burned the heart of the righteous man and demanded the most active participation from Father John. For the giver of alms, faith in the all-perfect, good and loving Providence of the Heavenly Father is a fiery test of strength. That is why the Lord said: “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). But the price of this bliss is very high. Many lines of the diary reveal to us the essence of this spiritual struggle. Let us cite just one statement on this topic by Father John himself: “Do not expect joy and consolation from the Lord for deeds of mercy towards your neighbors, but fiery scourges and strong struggle from the devil, who hates all good, and do not be cowardly, but courageously endure the attacks of malice from the devil, or stinginess, involuntary envy, despondency, impurity and other things, and do not at all complain about God and do not blame the Lord for your temptation. Yes, remember that fiery temptations are necessary for you.” Nowadays there is a lot of talk about a person’s right to personal privacy, that one cannot touch on what a person wrote in his personal diary. Saying this, people forget that at the Last Judgment there will be no personal secrets, innermost feelings and thoughts. Let us answer such honorers of personal secrets with the words of the holy righteous Father John himself, which he wrote, referring to his diary: “Do not destroy this book even after my death: perhaps someone will be found similar to me in thoughts and feelings and will show his deep sympathy for what is written in this book, if not for everything, which I do not dare to hope for (because there may be errors here, with strict criticism), then at least for some of its passages. I consider everything that is good and just in this book not to be mine, but to belong to God, since we are “not able ... to think anything of ourselves, as if from ourselves, but our ability is from God” [2 Cor. 3:5]. My only mistakes and shortcomings." The publication of the diaries fulfills the will of Father John, all the more immutable since the testator in this case is one of the great saints of the Russian Orthodox Church of recent times. Hegumen Damascene (Orlovsky) The text of the Holy Scriptures, quoted by the author in Church Slavonic, is given in the publication in Russian translation. The parallel Church Slavonic text of some quotes, necessary for understanding the author’s interpretation, was introduced by the editors and is printed in square brackets: “You were rich in every good deed” [Church Slavic: you abound in every good deed]. A deviation from the general principle of citation are some poems that are cited in the Slavic language, which seems more appropriate stylistically or semantically. The publication uses the following conventions: (Luke 1:1) - an indication of a quotation of Holy Scripture made by the author; [Luke 1:1] - an indication of the quotation of Holy Scripture made by the editors; [...] – unread word; [glory] – supposedly read word; [animals] is a word missing from the text, but necessary in the context, introduced by the editors. Varlamova letter with three rubles Ioileva, Philip Vasiliev Go to Osetrova, to the merchant Maria Alekseevna. Never eat in the evening, but go to bed on an empty stomach; especially, never decide to eat a light meal on a fast day unnecessarily: mixing a meal with a fast meal is both harmful and sinful. (I feel this harm today: in the evening I ate fish fried in vegetable oil, and then, on a whim, I ate a bun with quick butter and tea so that the fish and bun would not strengthen, but would relieve my stomach.) April 24, 1876. Gabriel the sailor today, August 5, 1876, donated ten rubles for the poor. Accept, Lord, his sacrifice as a spiritual aroma. On May 4, 1876, Sergei Dmitriev, a member of the trusteeship, contributed three rubles (the remaining three rubles were his). August 11. Grigory Ivanovich, merchant in Gostiny Dvor, one ruble a month (he hasn’t contributed a single one yet). On May 15, 1876, letters were sent with money to nephews and nieces. Ask them: have they received my books, especially History in Persons? June 17, 1876. Give a fur coat for covering, a hat for alteration. October 6, 1876 letters: [...] On March 29, write letters to Messrs. Maynard and Fishwick. April 12. About Adrian Nikitin to Brown. A note to Bubnov about Ekaterina Stepanovna. With special strength and fervor I need to pray for the Most Reverend Metropolitan Isidore, because the incorporeal enemy puts a strong barrier between him, the Bishop, and between me, and has severed all spiritual connections with him, putting in my heart apathy towards him for his apathy, real or imaginary, although one should not repay evil for evil, but overcome “evil with good” [Rom. 12:21], namely: goodwill, apology, fervent prayer, remembrance of his good deeds, a kind word about him. God! Before You, I, the accursed one, and my archpastor - destroy, I pray You, the mediastinum of our hearts and allow me to sincerely honor and love him, and destroy the machinations of the adversary in me. I hear Your word, Lord, for everyone who hates his brother, much less his father, is a murderer [1 John 3:15]. Save me from this forever. Due to the uncleanness of my heart, I am sick with hatred, malice, envy, despondency, and dumbness. The wonderful word of Saint Abba Dorotheos about suspicion in the “Christian Reading” for 1831 in the March book; Here is the word of Chrysostom about those standing disorderly in the church. The Holy Church teaches us to despise the flesh as transitory, not to pay partial attention to it, whether it is beautiful and blooming or ugly and decrepit, “but be diligent about the soul, the immortal thing” 1 living in the body, for it is in the image of God and in the likeness of God. But I sin and often look only at a person’s face and by the face, for the sake of the face, I either turn my heart away from an unseemly person, or my heart cleaves to a good-looking person. I am in error of heart. What a many-headed monster my heart is, or rather, the sin living in it! It despises some people, for example, the extremely unattractive and disfigured, while it is kind to others, for example, the handsome and beautiful, the rich, noble, and learned; it fears others like animals or like robbers, even though they are completely peaceful people, for example, the rich, high-ranking or noble. How many delusions are there in our corrupt hearts! My all-evil heart! Is man created by God so that you can eat him like a sweet piece, or admire him, stare at him, if he is beautiful, and if he is ugly, then turn away from him with contempt and hatred, not deign to look at him, consider him unworthy to live in the world, breathe the same air, live together, eat together, even think together, pray together! O lust of the flesh! Lust of the eyes and pride of life! How you infected and penetrated me, the accursed one! Human! How many times have you looked in the mirror, enjoying yourself! How you tried to seem more beautiful! How you cared about the color of your cheeks, the whiteness of your face, the way you dressed up, the color of your dress! How much vanity and vanity you had every day, how much time was wasted on this, on these trifles! But the soul in the image and likeness of God is forgotten, neglected! The inner man is neglected, and all the price is given to the outer, insignificant; the truth is trampled underfoot, and lies are greatly respected; the gentleman is desecrated, but the beautiful clay house in which he lives is exalted; all honor is given to dirt - and if it is ugly, then along with the soul it is neglected. These are the fruits of my old carnal passions! For from my youth I learned harmful contemplation, partiality! But let the hedgehog always be revered according to its image, and let the flesh be despised, whether it is beautiful or ugly. O my heart corrupted by sin! Woe to me from you. I greatly anger my Lord, our impartial Creator. Let that which is dearer than the whole world, all the beauties of the world, be always revered - the soul of man; Give me, Lord, spiritual intelligence, so that I may pass by all bodily beauty and may I love the inner; Yes, I despise sensual, corruptible sweetness, but I strive for spiritual sweetness, which is Your truth, Your holiness, love for You and for your neighbor. With the beauties and sweets of the world I corrupted my soul, and it turned my eyes away from spiritual beauties, from eternal sweetness, and inclined them to coarse, corruptible, instantaneous beauties and sweets. But exalt me, Lord, above all things sensible, let me enslave my senses: sight, taste, hearing, touch - to the spirit and allow the spirit to reign over the flesh and the world. Let nothing earthly satisfy 2 or frighten me or attract me - neither nobility, nor wealth, nor beauty, nor sweetness, nor lightness, nor joy. From the 3rd to the 4th of July there was a wonderful thunderstorm at night: the spectacle of lightning was so majestic, amazing and beautiful that I stood at the window for more than two hours and admired it, although at times I shuddered greatly from the extreme brightness and greatness of the light. But what lines did the lightning describe! It's just artistic, amazing. The sky became, as it were, a sea of ​​light for a moment, and stripes of lights, differently refracted, suddenly ran across its surface, as if flowers were blooming across it. Six blows were very strong. I went to bed at almost two o'clock. Wonderful is the glory of the Lord in the works of His creation and providence. The air was wonderfully aromatic from the evening and all night long - a wonderful blessing! I couldn't breathe in these scents! This came to us from Peterhof, Strelna, Rambov 3. July 4th. I thank the Lord, who performed wondrous miracles of His mercy and power in me during my performance of Matins and Mass. During Matins, my spirit was extremely weak and paralyzed by yesterday’s intemperance at the wake of Neophyte Sergeevich Smirnov, and yesterday I served small vespers instead of the usual; The litany did not speak for fear of being deposed by Belial 4; he stole the releases. Having defeated me in the evening, the enemy imagined defeating me and tried to defeat me in the morning during Matins, and he succeeded at the Midnight Office and at the beginning of Matins, and even at the Six Psalms at the Great Litany - but during the canon, by the grace of God, I prevailed over his intrigues, ghosts and fears and performed the entire Matins loudly, with spiritual zeal. Before mass, during mass, I was embarrassed and constrained, squeezed by the enemy - but the prayer of faith and repentance bowed to the Lord's mercy, I calmed down, the enemy's troubles were taken away from the sides, and I loudly, victoriously performed the liturgy. Communion revived, cleansed, sanctified me. God bless! I sinned before Vespers - I drank wine and dined sumptuously at the steward of the Naval Assembly in the Summer Garden, and my soul again became weak from excess, and my body and Vespers again did not serve well. I sinned against God. Outside the city, prayer services were served very well. God bless! July 15, 1876. Order single semi-velvet mourning chasubles from Zheverzheev in St. Petersburg from Olga Afanasyeva, the wife of the baker in the Rumyantseva house. July 5th. The Canon was read solemnly, with a joyful spirit at Matins (to the Mother of God and St. Athanasius of Athos and Sergius of Radonezh). He wished for the victory of the Russians over the Turks, prayed to God for it, and read the glorious news of the great victory during the Russians’ passage through the Balkans. Glory to the Lord! After Matins, when I was sitting on the boards near the cathedral garden, a squandered tradesman and a woman, apparently a wanderer, came up to me; they asked me for money. Yesterday I gave the woman forty kopecks so that she would get out; Today she comes up again; I sinned - I got angry and with great displeasure gave her twenty kopecks of money, even with anger; but I severely wounded myself with this: an evil snake - the devil wounded me. I felt tight, burning; I began to repent before God from the bottom of my heart and, I thank the Lord, I soon received mercy, the Lord took away the tightness and gave space, drove away death and gave life. I was called to give a prayer to the wife of F. Stepanovich Gerasimov, and I read it, by the grace of God, well. “I have been with you for so long, and you do not know Me, Philip? He who has seen Me has seen the Father; how do you say: show us the Father? Do you not believe that I am in the Father and the Father in Me?” [ John 14:9-10 ]. The same can be said in a slightly different sense: he who sees the Mother of God sees Her Only Begotten Son, the Lord Jesus Christ, for She is in the Son and the Son is in Her eternally, inseparably. She smells the fragrance of Christ 5, His holiness, truth, love and mercy, long-suffering. During mass on July 5, 1877, I was dying to sleep, especially during the Gospel, I didn’t know where to go, I went to take out particles from the prosphora while reading the Gospel. Grace conquered sleep; then a terrible temptation from Deacon Sofronov’s singing along - grace defeated this dream 6 of the enemy too: I was convinced by the grace of God that this was precisely the dream of the enemy, that the enemy with this ghost aroused in me hatred for brother Tuna 7. In the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. The light of Christ enlightens everyone. 8 March 28th day, 1876. Palm Sunday. It should be noted that for many Christians, during domestic and public prayer, the mind dozes, the heart sleeps, just as the Lord said about people: they all dozed off and fell asleep [Matthew 25:5]. Therefore, we must constantly awaken both this and that, and through meditation and faith in the presence of the Lord, warm up our soul and heart, according to the Apostle, “burning in the spirit, working for the Lord [Rom.12:11], chanting and singing in your hearts to the Lord” [Eph.5:19]. (When compiling a textbook, pay attention to this.) How sweet it is to pray from the fullness of feeling, in a living sense of the presence of God! Our textbooks suffer from a complete absence of living feeling, life, the anointing of the Holy Spirit, a living presentation of the essence of our heavenly worship. They are a dead form. Happy would be the one who could present the divine service in a manner worthy of him. July 22, 1876 The Kronstadt Duma gave twelve thousand rubles to the theater two years ago, but refused three thousand rubles to the cathedral! What's it like? God! Bring some sense to the madmen soon, for Philip Stepanov and Nikolai Sidorov have gone mad with anger and envy. Zeal for Your house consumes me, O Lord! And the city, or Duma, has an annual income of two hundred thousand. In disagreement with itself, the Duma did not agree to provide assistance to the cathedral, which was insignificant in comparison with the capital used from the funds of the headman and the cathedral (thirty thousand). Archpriest Trachevsky, having submitted a petition to the Duma, did not appear in the Duma when discussing the issue of benefits for the council and did not support his fair request. July 4, 1877. I sin gravely, damned one, every day and I cannot bear the guilt of my sins 9: I am sated and drunk with wine almost every day, I repent and do the same thing again the next day. Oh, womb-rage worse than Esau! Oh, everlasting idolatry! How I daily anger the Lord and grieve the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, Perfecter, Sanctifier, Helper! I'm on a dangerous path. Not gathering with the Lord, I scatter according to His word [Matthew 12:30]. How diligently the saints fasted, wanting to unite with the Lord! How we neglect fasting, considering it unimportant in the matter of salvation! Where is the imitation of the Lord, the Ever-Virgin Mary the Mother of God and all the saints? July 5th. I thank the Lord who gave me this day. Grant, O Master Lord, to spend it holy, pleasing to You, the God of my life. I got up at four and a half o'clock, couldn't sleep any longer; went to bed at twelve. I think that strong and sweet tea does not allow me to sleep and causes a ripple in my sides. Drink it as little as possible, especially in the evening. A thought upon awakening, before which I saw in a dream strong thunder and strong lightning: if the Lord wanted to destroy this world, then He would only have to release His thunder and lightning multiplied, and it would burn, or His one word would be enough for it to turn from existence into non-existence. And yet how meek the Lord is in the midst of thunder and lightning! They happen mostly at night, when everything living is immersed in sleep. All of you who desire to be adorned with orders, to be clothed in red ribbons, look with the enlightened eyes of your heart at your souls and see in what stupor of sin and vice your souls, created in the image and likeness of God, are clothed - in the stupor of selfishness, greed, covetousness, envy, pride, hardness of heart, fornication and all uncleanness, despondency, negligence, laziness, vanity, vanity. You do not need decorations of the order, but sackcloth and hair shirt, not soft clothes, but clothes made of camel's hair. Having distorted the image of God in yourself, this wonderful divine beauty, you dream of adorning yourself with elegant clothes and orders - you dream in vain: the soul will remain just as, if not more, ugly in orders and in shining clothes. Put on Christ, in this imperishable, eternal beauty, in this robe of glory and incorruptibility - this is our Christian clothing! Here is our decoration! This decoration does not arouse envy, is not associated with spending money, does not leave us at death and after death: it accompanies us everywhere, even into the afterlife, whereas local decorations only last until the grave, and even during life they are often a burden or are not needed, for example, during illness, in grief, trouble, cramped conditions, poverty. So, take care to remove from your soul the ugliness of sins, these, as it were, satanic orders, and put on the splendid, imperishable clothing of virtues: meekness, gentleness, non-covetousness, mercy, purity, abstinence, fasting and repentance, faith, hope and love. Acquire the soul of Christ as an inalienable possession, for He gives Himself as an inheritance to all who fear Him. July 5th. Evening. I thank the Lord, who quickly listened to my prayer of repentance in the cramped conditions and confusion that befell me for being upset with the merchant Polyakov for not answering my note. I was guilty of unrighteous anger, but Polyakov is right, for he gives his rubles for guardianship and believes that this sacrifice is enough for us, and therefore he never gives me ten rubles. And I have no need for his money. I thank the Lord, who solemnly delivered me from anger, sorrow and oppression and gave me health of soul, strength, strength, peace, courage, space, lightness, immutability, bold service of all Vespers with Compline. Three rubles from P.P. [...] and from the tradesman Petrov into the guardianship of the members. March 28. I thank the Lord, who raised me up very early today from sleep and made me worthy to go to the all-night vigil and sing the entire service in a clear, sonorous voice for spiritual delight in the Lord. I thank Father Deacon Sofronov for the gift of serving the liturgy in a sonorous, clear voice during the full service. Putyatin delivered his sermon. There was a meeting of parishioners in the Duma regarding the annual report of the trusteeship. I was at a spiritual concert. Father Deacon Poletaev especially distinguished himself. Everyone sang beautifully, especially the psalm “Lord, who dwells in Your habitation?” [ Ps.14:1 ], “Open to me repentance...”, “Paths to salvation...” I simply cried from tenderness and harmonious singing. And what a moralizing psalm!.. I do not crucify my flesh with passions and lusts: I please the belly, I please people, and I anger God - this is my misfortune: there is very little true Christianity in my heart. He served Mass very quickly to please Petrov, finished at half past twelve on Palm Sunday - extremely early; there was a lot of free time before the meeting. “Those who are Christ’s have crucified the flesh” [Gal.5:24] – Am I Christ’s? Why don't I fast? Psalm 14: “Lord, who dwells in Your habitation?” - Read it all every day. It is extremely instructive and life-saving. Especially for me. I was captivated by the singing and its content in the concert on Palm Sunday. March 29. I thank the Lord, who destroyed spiritual death in me today during Matins, which occurred from anger at the altar watchman; The Lord accepted my repentance and my faith with trust in His mercy: I calmly read the Gospel and sang the canon and stichera. He was angry with the sexton for singing the canon so quickly. The prayer of Saint Ephraim the Syrian spoke by God's grace rarely and completely, with a special expression. After mass. I thank the Lord with all my heart for His great Divine victory in me, when the invisible enemies, enraged, wanted to devour me and had already greatly confused me, embarrassed me, covered my face with darkness and cold after I was angry with sexton Zrelov because he sang extremely sluggishly “Now the Powers of Heaven are with us...”. and then further service. I hesitated to say “Lord and Master of my life” 10 after this song from cramped conditions, grief and chagrin. I thought that the enemy would tear out the prayer behind the pulpit and would not allow me to say goodbye, and he would have done this and would have confused me even more if, by faith, hope, boldness, persistence and effort, I had not asked the Lord for forgiveness, peace, boldness, and strength. For this I thank the Lord. Such a war happened for me because of yesterday’s delicacy of strawberry jam at M.O. Britnev’s and in general because of gluttony; Because of this, I am very irritable, impatient, lascivious (that is, there is sometimes a disposition in my heart for this), prone to confusion, and cramped conditions. God! I thank You, my Help and my Strength, for with You I constantly clear away the mountains of the enemy’s excuses, the enemy’s intrigues, my passions, 11 push them aside and destroy them; Through You, Lord, in Your Name, in Your Hypostasis, I continually perform miracles and will do them, for You will always be with me through my faith. (During mass today, the sexton very sluggishly sang “Now the Powers of Heaven...” and indignation and anger at him began to boil inside me. Oh, how little patience I have!) Only by faith in the Lord did I defeat the all-evil enemy, who terribly wounded me, inflamed me, weakened me, and brought me despondency. I thank the Lord, who during Compline crushed the death of my heart, took away confusion and oppression and gave peace, boldness, and strength in singing and reading prayers. The Lord works constant miracles of healing, renewal, revitalization, and affirmation in me. Glory to His mercy! What shall I repay Him for this? May I completely surrender myself, my wife and all my household, all my fellow servants, all my spiritual children and all the people to Him. At ten o'clock in the evening I ate a Lenten pie with onions and rice and drank a glass of sherry (bought from Ivan Sidorov, a merchant), and what happened at night? The excitement of sweets is extremely restless. There was a lot of snow outside – this also has an effect. Oh, intemperance, intemperance! And when? During Holy Week. Gluttony turned into a habit for me, into nature, just like a common thing, so do all sins. My heart turned to stone from the repetitions of sin. God, have mercy and save me. To sinners coming to confession! Make sure that the Lord Jesus Christ is the Judge of all people. Before the Last Judgment, subject yourself mercilessly to His meek, merciful judgment, pronounced in His name by a person like you, His servant. March 30. For the sake of my daily idolatry - gluttony and satiety - today at mass I was subjected to a terrible attack of the enemy’s malice: after reading the Gospel in the middle of the church, returning to the altar, I turned to the people with the Gospel, blessing them, and saw my nephew, on whom the devil instantly turned my anger for his unseemly face and crookedness. O old fornicator, accustomed to measure a man by his face, seeing only the outer man, or his skin, and not understanding the inner man, which is in the image and likeness of God! I forgot the commandment of the Lord: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” [Matthew 22:39], without discerning whether he is good or not. I forgot that the Lord is no respecter of persons and loves everyone, regardless of face. I forgot that anger comes from the devil, that [one must] instantly reject this feeling of hostility towards one’s brother. The whole mass the devil tormented me, as if on coals, in his malice. So, with beautiful faces he stings at carnal, ungodly love, and with ugly, unseemly faces he stings at hatred, hostility, and malice! Oh, all-damned enemy! Oh me, accursed and prodigal, gluttonous, voluptuous! Here's your evening pie, evening food without drink! If I had some tea, it would be better. He who loves someone often repeats the name of his beloved; if you love the king, queen, heir, his wife and their children, worthy of all love, then you must willingly and diligently remember their names in prayer before God. Think what kind of care lies on them, what a burden of various worries! And a small house requires a lot of care, but here is all of Russia with its diverse population! March 30. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace after repentance from Father Porfiry (Great Wednesday) to perform the hours, vespers and the Presanctified Liturgy without stumbling, and to say the prayer “Master of Merciful”, and to ask for the usual forgiveness, and to read the prayer behind the pulpit, and to consume the Holy Gifts for peace, lightness and joy. I made a big mistake - the one that after mass and after the confession of the schoolchildren, I went home and ate soup with mushrooms, cucumbers with black bread and buckwheat porridge, whereas in church I ate quite an antidora and was full. With this I burdened myself and made my heart extremely cold and insensitive, and at the same time fearful. Constant abstinence and fasting with prayer are the best armor of the heart, its strengthening. Grant, Lord! Grant me, Lord, to always feel Your immeasurable mercy in the frequent communion of Your Holy Mysteries and to cry with tenderness and to always live worthy, worthy of such grace, in holiness, in meekness, gentleness, humility, abstinence, mercy, purity, truth and truth, in patience and long-suffering, with a heavenly spirit, and not an earthly one, alien to partiality for temporary things. and perishable things. April 1st. I sinned against God without number, having made my heart white with yesterday’s satiation and becoming a workman of the devil. Only through deep repentance and tears did I bow the Lord to mercy on me, unworthy, of mercy and received salvation, peace, freedom and some boldness and tenderness. He and Father Alexander distributed the Holy Mysteries in the Pokrovsky chapel. Yesterday's herring makes me feel a particularly strong itch of lust in my heart; I sinned: I talked to the girl after leaving the church, with Tatyana Al. Murashova. Oh, grant me, Lord, to crucify my flesh, this Antichrist living in me, this all-flattering, all-destructive, dreamy sin. Gluttony, satiety, drunkenness, love of money, envy, malice - at the very root kill the life of a Christian. Therefore, fasting, almsgiving, goodwill, kindness, and simplicity are necessary. By the greatness of the sacrifice of the cross, judge the greatness of the torment, its infinity for unrepentant sinners and the greatness of bliss of all who believe in the Lord and repentant sinners, especially the perfect righteous; by the greatness of the sacrifice of Calvary, judge how disgusting sin is, vile, disgusting to the all-good, all-holy, all-righteous, all-perfect God, with what hatred it should be removed - not from a person, but from his sin; How perfect man was created by God and how daringly and ungratefully he lost this perfection! How the Lord favors those who seek holiness, perfection, and immortality! How tares were mixed with the wheat of God! What a fate for the wheat and what a chaff! The wheat goes into the granary, but the tares will be burned with unquenchable fire [Matthew 13:24–30]! Fish roe, fish, meat, milk, eggs, sweet tea produce strong sweetness and voluptuous urges, therefore one must abstain from them. Now I understand the value of sorrows and their patience: they cleanse, soften and make our rough hearts tender and sensitive, turn us to the knowledge of our countless sins, to repentance and tenderness before God, to the knowledge of the infinite holiness and truth of God, offended immeasurably by our sins. Without sorrows, we would become hardened and forgotten in sins and would begin to drink iniquity like water, just as we would do ordinary things; a fornicator, in his fornication, would still boast of his fornication, a drunkard in his drunkenness, a thief in his theft, a robber in his robbery, his love of money, his covetousness, a proud man in his pride, a deceiver in his deceptions. A great blessing is sorrow, although it is bitter. Sorrows are like surgical operations, sections and cauterizations, or medical mustard, bloodletting. Read the Savior’s parable about the vine and birth [John 15:1–2]. There you will see the benefit of sorrows; and also the words of the Apostle that “through many tribulations we must enter the Kingdom of God” [Acts 14:22]. I thank the Lord for the miracle of delivering me from the tightness and torment of my heart due to suspicion and anger towards the sexton Ivan Adrianov, whom I suspected (for his smile at the sight of me) of wickedness and evil thoughts against me, which was obviously the devil’s slander and the devil’s intrigues, and I repented of that, justified him with his kind and meek disposition, and accused myself of false infatuation. So, it often seems to me that in others there is something that is not really there. Even if someone really had evil thoughts about me, I should not repay evil for evil, annoyance for annoyance, but feel sorry for that person and pray for him and generally leave judgment to the righteous and omniscient God, and not to my untruth, myopia, blindness, and malice. Archpriest Father Pavel was very kind and gentle today at the all-night vigil. Even Father Matthew is especially friendly, and Father Alexander is like an angel of meekness. I thank the Lord for the great sorrow during the late mass on Holy Thursday and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries and for their effect; they truly revived me, a stinking dead man. April 3. Holy Saturday. I thank the Lord, who miraculously and graciously revived me, killed by my sins; As soon as I received communion of the Holy Mysteries, as soon as His Blood touched my soul, I came to life, was resurrected, death fled from me, tightness and burdens ceased, strength and boldness appeared; I rejoiced, perked up, was encouraged and perfectly, boldly said the prayers before communion, read the prayer behind the pulpit and said dismissal. And during mass, I felt extreme distress and grief; I shrank and shifted, even though I couldn’t escape the cramped conditions and grief. The Lord immediately took away all the burdens with His hand. God bless! Here's yesterday's rice porridge with almond milk! I ate too much with gusto! If you feel that for no reason at all, just because you look at a person, you hate him, then know that the devil is in you; by its fruit you will know it [Matthew 7:16]. Is it a person’s fault that he was born ugly and unattractive, or poor, without an eye due to illness or injury, or hunchbacked, or lame? Don't judge a person by their facial features. In addition to the external, look with your inner eye into the internal, into the soul of a person. Our Lady Theotokos is entirely clothed in the Lord and Her Son and is entirely clothed in the Holy Spirit; She knows everything about us in God, all our needs, infirmities, sorrows, illnesses, virtues and sins, and can always help in everything and save us from sins, and deliver us from needs, infirmities, sorrows and illnesses, and strengthen us in struggles, sorrows and hardships, so that we can endure them with benefit for the soul. The Lord gave us the Great Helper in Her. Glory to the Lord for this. April 4. Easter day. I thank the One who has immeasurable mercy, for he gave me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, to pronounce the names of the royal family at the great entrance, to remember the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan as they should and the words “grant these to Thy Holy Churches” and to read the prayer behind the pulpit in full and say all absolution, and most importantly, that he gave me feelings of tenderness and life-giving grace to receive the Holy Mysteries for joy, peace and freedom of spirit. Glory to His compassion and long-suffering. April 9. It is more convenient for the sun not to shine, not to warm, not to live the earth and what fills it, than for the Lord and the Mother of God not to pour out mercy on us sinners, who flow with repentance, prayer, praise and thanksgiving to God and the Mother of God. May we always flow with faith, hope, boldness, zeal, and tenderness. April 10. Do not eat meat and milk at night: from eating these things there is a strong tendency to voluptuousness, in a word, to prodigal defilement in a dream, as happened a little this night. Lord, have mercy! Long-suffering, incorruptible, undefiled, sinless Lord, be patient with me, the accursed one. After mass. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance in anger and cursing at the beggar who came to me against my wishes and at a time when I was offended by the deacon Father Vladimir Poletaev and the sexton Polyglotov. I thank the Lord, who turned hostility into friendship and confusion into the world and gave me a peaceful and tender service of the Liturgy and communion into wondrous salvation. I have said almost all of the dismissal, not mentioning only Saints Terentius and Pompius, Saint Alexander Nevsky and the holy righteous Godfathers Joachim and Anna. I read the pulpit loudly and boldly, but at the end I missed a few words. At the great entrance and at the commemoration of the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan after the consecration of the Gifts, the enemy relaxed and confused me, to my shame. God! When will you deliver me from my rival? Thanks to the grace of the Holy Mysteries, today I am completely healthy and calm after an upset stomach and relaxation. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of His mercy on me through the prayer of my repentance upon my arrival at the church for the all-night vigil, when I allowed hostility towards the abbot in my heart and for this I felt sorrow and tightness in my heart. Soon the Lord heard the cry of repentance and gave me peace with tenderness and warm prayer. I thank the Lord, who gave me peace at eleven o’clock in the evening after an angry conversation with sexton Zrelov for abusing my kamilavochnik to distribute artos. Artos is a venerable thing, but the sexton’s intention is not good. Praying for the authorities is the same as praying for yourself; their good is your good. So prayer for every person is prayer together and for oneself, for we are all one body, and separately we are members, and we are all weak and need mutual prayer, we are all sinners and need the mercy of God. Therefore, pray for everyone diligently, sincerely, constantly, for the more diligently we pray for everyone, the more we will acquire God’s mercy for ourselves. In particular, pray earnestly for the powers that be, since the public good depends on them. I thank You, Most merciful, merciful and gracious Lord, for you have continually renewed Your mercies on me, the accursed one, and with Your mercies you have continually renewed me, worn out by sins. You saved me from the greatest cruel misfortune at the beginning of the early liturgy (in the Duma Church), when I was completely in sinful leprosy from hostility over trifles towards the sexton Zrelov (I carried my tin kamilavochnitsa with artos). And this hostility, together with great confusion, came, as I realized later by the grace of God, from envy of the sexton, from my pride, lust, gluttony, pride, a prodigal heart, addiction to worldly things, from the love of money. I myself was dead in sin and a child of wrath. I thank the Lord, who granted me at that hour to recognize myself, my repentance, to condemn myself and forgive my brother, to condescend to him, to be reconciled with him in my heart, to love him as my own member, and even more so than Christ’s. It was then, when I was freed internally from the bonds of mortals, that I again knew and felt the power of Christ God, His ineffable mercy. It was then that I felt peace, freedom, tenderness, and boldness. I have risen from the dead. I felt that the words “Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death through death” 12 and so on applied specifically to me. For in me Christ has risen again, having trampled down my death with His death and bestowed life on me, who am in the tomb of the passions. Glory to the miracles of His goodness, strength, life! Glory to His power! Oh, how carnal passions kill the soul, deprive it of grace, peace, freedom, light, strength, life, boldness! I feel how necessary it is to put off the old man with his deeds, put him to death and put on the new, Christ God Himself, according to the Scripture: “as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ” [Gal.3:27]. Oh, how desirable is the Kingdom of God! Away with snakes and scorpions and all the power of the enemy! Today the Lord granted me wonderful salvation after a prayer service in the apartment of the governor’s courier, when I deliberately prayed in private before the icons. During the prayer service there was a temptation again because of my sexton due to my weakness. Then the Lord delivered me from the prodigal demon in the apartment of Semyon Andreevich Morozov. After the prayer service, I privately brought repentance to the Lord and received forgiveness with peace and freedom in my heart. Glory to the Lord! And fornication reigns in me because of gluttony. When will I kill my womb? When will I learn to abstain? The Lord also saved me, a sinner, in the church after the christening [and in the apartment] of Verzin Fisherman. Blessed be the God of our salvation, our God is truly a God to save [Ps. 67:21], just as the devil is the devil to destroy. God! Save all people from his destruction, as You save me, as You save daily countless multitudes of those who lead You, as You saved countless multitudes of those who repented in previous generations. Wake up! God! Remember our youthful care for the poor according to Thy bounty and Thy mercies, which Thou hast surprised in ancient and present generations throughout the whole earth. Turn our poverty into the riches of glory for Your name's sake! May poverty and misery find in him everything they need: work, and good recompense for work, and initial teaching, and shelter, and everything necessary for life. Wake up! Amen. God! From Worth comes every perfect gift [James 1:17]! May Thy perfect gift descend upon our parish care, may our poverty not be a byword among people; grant us Thy wealth, the riches of Thy gifts. The priest must be impartial and look at everyone equally as entrusted to his spiritual superiors, teaching, prayer, even at the bearer of the orb and scepter, city governors, various rulers, people learned in elemental wisdom, rich in perishable and fleeting wealth, at the male and female sex, at the young and old, beautiful and ugly - and behave with meekness and humility characteristic of his rank importance, so as not to lower such a high rank through partiality or fear and fear of the human face, or greed, or lust, or cowardice and servility. May 1, 1876. Lord! I thank You because You accepted the prayer of my unworthiness for the granting of funds to the guardianship and disposed two banking institutions to give us two hundred and five hundred rubles for the needs of the guardianship. With your destinies, O Lord, incite those who are rich in soul and heart, as well as those who have property here or in the capital, to generously donate to our care. Wake up! I call upon You by faith, O Lord, with hope and boldness. Do not disgrace, fulfill my request abundantly, O Lord! April 1st. Monday of St. Thomas Week. Last night I feasted on cheesecake and indigenous fish with a glass of wine and at dinner I ate roast meat, which is why my heart became coarsened, especially covered with sweet decay, the flesh was torn to fornication, to anger, envy, waywardness, stubbornness, laziness, etc. He served Mass with the help of God quite well, that is, stumbling a little in words, but communion on the heart was hardened worked very weakly. My great guilt! After mass, they called to serve a prayer service: I sent for the sexton Zrelov, it was only nine o’clock; he refused by saying that he would go with the archpriest to the orphanage at ten o’clock to serve a memorial service. I was offended by this, indignant; evil began to take over me; I repented and prayed, that made it easier, but then passions carried me away again, I continued to harbor enmity in my heart against the sexton out of pride, waywardness, my impatience, out of pride, envy and my voluptuousness. A voluptuous, envious heart does not know love, peace, or patience. I was completely to blame here myself, having completely hated my zealous sexton, who had a fair reason for refusing to go with me, since it is impossible to serve two servants at the same time. I should have immediately rebelled against my untruth in my heart, against my old man, and immediately abandoned all hostility towards my sexton, but I did not do this immediately and gave way to the devil’s slander against my brother, envy, malice, and resentment. I had to calmly, without worrying, indifferently take on another sexton and maintain brotherly disposition and love for mine, respecting his circumstances, especially since he had never refused before and was always ready to serve. I thank the Lord, who stopped the terrible battle with invisible enemies, who through my passions operated in me and mercilessly tormented me. I thank the Lord, who graciously accepted my repentance and gave me life from the dead again. Glory to Thee, my priceless Savior, my enlightener, my reviver, my pacifier! The grief and anger towards sexton Zrelov turned out to be completely unfounded, in vain, as the matter was explained later; the crafty adversary taught me to look at it falsely, in a distorted way and gave it too dark a coloring. I only offended myself and made me desperately and painfully sad, and through my painful irritation I offended some of the poor and my family. The evil one entered into me like a red-hot, poisonous arrow, and all because of gluttony and satiety! That's true. God! Teach me to always bridle my belly. From today’s worst temptation of Belial, I finally realize that my heart is a lie and I should not believe it even a penny; I’ll say a saying: it is proud, self-willed, capricious, stubborn, impudent, disobedient, deceitful, crafty, unkind, malicious, malicious, envious, greedy, lustful, lustful, vile, ambitious, proud, money-loving, selfish, inert, lazy, obstinate, harsh, hard-hearted, unmerciful, fearful and cowardly, spiteful, careless, impatient, partial, obsequious, man-pleasing, cowardly, unfaithful, unfriendly, contemptuous even of the authorities, blind, deaf, accursed, poor, naked, stinking, blasphemous, laughter-loving, sad, murmuring, desperate, thieving, luxurious and stingy, dead. This is what my heart is like, this is what my old man is like! Hence, from these abominations of the heart comes my malice, dislike and hostility towards my archpastor, who received me extremely coldly and carelessly, although I was fully worthy of it for my sins, hence the coldness towards the persons of the reigning house and the failure to pronounce their names, hence the coldness towards the most holy saints of God, the failure to pronounce their names, hence the embarrassment at the sight of the learned, the rich, noble. May the grace of God overcome all the evil nesting in my heart, and may it completely renew me to the glory of the name of God. Wake up! Amen. (April 12.) That is why, I continue, there is doubt when saying dismissals during divine services, especially during memorial services and when pronouncing litanies and very familiar prayers and doxologies. God is the unsearchable abyss of mercy, and I, as if I have explored God’s love for mankind and know its measure and limit, do not often utter the words: “He will give rest to Abraham in the depths, he will be numbered with the righteous, and he will have mercy and save us...” April 14. Wednesday. The first grave sin I committed today internally was that because of the unseemly appearance of my nephew Ivan Fidelin, I despised and hated him in my heart. He despised that which is in the image and likeness of God. O false appearance! How long will you seduce me? When I will look indifferently at every face and will see in every person first of all a person, and not a picture, and in a Christian - a member of Christ and my co-member and co-heir of the future true Kingdom, in which all shortcomings will be destroyed! How long will the external, temporary, deceptive deceive me, fool me? How long will external wisdom or tinsel, external distinctions, rank or shape and complexion, perishable wealth, perishable clothing, elegant clothes seduce or frighten me? May I love and [appreciate] the inner in man! “Did not the same One who created the external also create the internal?” [Luke 11:40]. 14. I thank the Lord for the wondrous salvation of my unworthiness this day through my prayer in the gymnasium, especially in the bath attendant’s apartment at the christening of his daughter Alexandra and at the meeting of the Council of Trustees in the Duma at eight o’clock in the evening. During the christening, I sinned before God by being ashamed and afraid of the human face, Alexander Gavrilovich Britnev, and being seduced by the face of the girl Elisaveta Mikhailovna Britneva, a former godfather, also with a semi-silk colored handkerchief. I am a damned man: while performing the most heavenly Sacrament, which is Baptism, I allowed my heart to be carried away by worldly passions, my heart to be wounded by the excuses of Belial and to fall into grave sin before God. Oh, my great curse! God! I thank You for the members of the trusteeship, who are kind, wise, truthful, and who firmly pursue the goal of trusteeship. Bless them and their works. Increase the wealth of trusteeship. In Baptism, the grace of human transformation is given, the bath of rebirth 13; in Communion, the transformation of bread and wine into the Body and Blood of Christ is also accomplished for the transformation of a sinful person into a saint, the old into the new! Wonderful are your works and your mysteries, O Lord! April 14. I thank the Lord, who sent down His help to me, a sinner and the weakest of all, during the service of Matins today for Father Paul, who went to present himself to the Metropolitan, Grand Duke and Minister Dosovsky as a deputy from the parish guardianship together with M.O. Britnev and Baron Buklevdep. Apart from the first small special litany, I spoke all the others without stumbling with the help of God. I thank the Lord, who heard the prayer for release from the burden of Yulia Apollonovna Burachek. Let the evil one not tempt me with money and handkerchiefs when I pray, molebens, the Sacrament of Baptism, for the Lord is my treasure and every gift comes from Him, my hope is in Him, He is my life and my contentment. I thank the Lord, who has now made me worthy to perform the Liturgy and vividly feel all the power and life-giving power of the Divine Mysteries of His Body and Blood and, as it were, to rise from the dead; He said the royal family at the great entrance properly, “Remember first, O Lord...” said everything except the words: “To Thy holy churches...” I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, and said the entire dismissal. At the funeral service before and after mass, he did not utter the words out of fear of the devil: “he will rest Abraham in the depths, he will count with the righteous”; spoke, not to the west, but to the east. At Sizov’s commissar, at a prayer service, he was subjected to strong temptation and long torment from the evil one for not reprimanding his release with an open face: I spoke, turning to the icon, and not to people, and stole the last words: “Holy Martyr Anastasia...” which is why my soul was greatly wounded in his apartment, on the way to the gymnasium and in the gymnasium itself, in the classroom. I prayed to the Lord for a long time, and, apparently, the Lord did not listen, and the invisible enemy arose as a conqueror and tormentor. But why am I embarrassed and confused in the house of the rich and noble? Does the passion for money paralyze me and punish me by itself? But who is my treasure if not God? He is my eternal, life treasure, He is the giver of all blessings, I fear Him alone, I love Him alone, I serve Him alone with all my heart, I cleave to Him alone; He is my wealth, my sweetness, my imperishable beauty, my glory, my adornment (not clothes and scarves), my true life, my strength, my peace, my freedom, my boldness, confirmation and eternal salvation. I thank the Lord, who healed the old man from the care home when I offered the following prayer for him in the apartment of Pavel Stepanovich Burachok: “Holy Father, Physician of souls and bodies...”. I thank the Lord, who did not disgrace my hope in prayer for the servant of God Julia Burachek and who safely delivered her from her burden. April 15. Yesterday I ate meat at lunch and at night and felt very heavy from this food, especially this morning, and even sore. It’s not for me: with God’s help I need to leave it completely, especially since I so often eat the Flesh and Blood of the Lamb of God. Give, Lord! (Meat food weighs heavily on my heart and on my entire body. Yes, I don’t need much nutritional value, even if I maintain external chastity.) After Matins. I endured hellish bitterness, hellish cramping, hellish torment today during Matins from evil demons and from my evil habits, especially from gluttony and satiety (yesterday I ate Anna Konstantinovna’s prosphyra and a meat cutlet at night, when there was no greed) and from envy and love of money. Damned, I again fell into the sin of idolatry, that is, gluttony, and when? After communion of the Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord. Serves the thief right with flour. But, perhaps, there would not have been a great trouble if Father Matthew had not come to church, to whom, due to my sins, I have long been not warmly disposed for his greed for money and hard-heartedness towards the poor, as a result of which he accumulated up to forty thousand money, claiming, however, that he had no more than three thousand. His presence fell on my soul like an all-suppressing stone, of course through the work of the devil; My hatred and disgust for him was revived, I could not pronounce from embarrassment and crampedness of the litanies. But I blame myself for this; I blame myself for disliking him and even secretly envying him. I know that I must love him as a brother in Christ, as a co-servant, a co-shepherd according to the commandment of the Savior: “This commandment I command you, that you love one another... By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another” [John 15:17, 13:35]. But I do not have the strength to love him: my heart is unclean, passionate. I ask the Lord for grace, a miracle of restoration and rebirth, may the Lord cleanse my sins and grant me to love my brother Matthew with pure, Christ-like love, to wish him salvation as for myself, and all prosperity as for myself; to rejoice at his wealth, that he lives in contentment, and not to grieve, as if I myself had this wealth, which, of course, I would be very happy about, to wish him inner renewal, as for myself. I pray to the Lord, may I know, may I feel, may I always have before my eyes the multitude of my own sins and cry for them before the Lord, may I henceforth cease from all sins and addictions, may I be satisfied with those material blessings that the Lord has given and is giving me, and may I always thank the Lord with all my heart, considering myself in the least unworthy of such gifts, attributing them only to the goodness and bounty of the Lord. I know, I know that my hostility towards Father Matthew and envy is the work of the devil and, of course, my work, my sin, my recklessness, my negligence about diligent love for my neighbor. I humbly ask the Lord for mercy and to change my damned heart for good. May Your mercy, O Lord, still be upon me, a sinner. We need to go to Father Matthew’s apartment for the sake of brotherly communication. Establish, O Lord, our Head, peace and love between us. Grant to us, both to me and to him, to count as waste the wealth that perishes, and to highly value and love what is in us in the image and likeness of God, to care for the immortal souls. Amen. After mass. I thank the All-Merciful One for the ineffable powers revealed in me during the Liturgy, for He took away my greatest weakness and gave me strength, vigor, a clear and sonorous voice for serving the Liturgy; took away tightness and gave space, took away cowardice and gave courage, and at the great entrance I said what was necessary; He gave me the grace to uncondemnably partake of His Holy, heavenly and life-giving Mysteries and poured new life into me; finally, he gave me the strength to overcome the enemies who rose up against me after communion, and to pronounce the prayer behind the pulpit and say all absolution. I thank the Lord, who delivered and healed me from the trap of evil and despicable passion 14 at nine o’clock in the evening: I vividly imagined myself before the brightest eyes of the Lord, raised my heart’s eye to Him with the liveliest hope, asking for mercy and repenting of my sin, and immediately received mercy from the Most Merciful, life from the Giver of Life, peace from the King of the World, and peace from the Physician. healing. O Sweetest, Most Merciful Jesus Christ, glory, glory, glory to You! When explaining worship, especially the liturgy, it is necessary to reveal, explain the power and meaning of all words, sayings, rituals, the order and connection of the entire liturgy, its purpose, its alpha and omega, beginning and end, and bring out significant moral teachings after each part. The Divine Liturgy is an unceasing and greatest miracle in the grace-filled Kingdom of God, it is, so to speak, the unceasing slaying of the Bloodless Sacrifice of the Son of God and the outpouring of His redemptive suffering, death and resurrection on all those who believe in Him, for He “brought to Himself alone... is ever slain, sanctifying the one who partakes” 15, is incessantly continuing and will continue until the end of the world The sacrifice of the God-man Christ to God the Father for us sinners and for the whole world. “Your offering to You for everyone and for everything” 16, for the Lord suffered and died and rose again for everyone, and therefore He reminds and will remind all human races all the days of His Sacrifice and teach it to everyone who wants it as food and drink for salvation and renewal until the end of the age, so that everyone can be saved and all unrepentant sinners will be unrequited. April 17. Human! Take advantage of your high position in the world, your high gifts and advantages bestowed upon you by the Creator, and your high destiny. You are in the image and likeness of God, you have reason, you have free will, you are called to do good deeds, to holiness, to perfection, to eternal blissful life for a small deed in this temporary life, for your struggle with evil and for the free doing of good; You were created to know your Creator, who loved you immeasurably, and to love Him mutually, most of all, through likening Him in His virtues and perfections: in meekness, kindness, patience and long-suffering, in holiness, in mercy, in righteousness. Be careful not to lose sight of your high advantages and take advantage of them for your eternal bliss, just as the saints, God’s chosen ones, took advantage of them. It depends on you, on your arbitrariness, to either become a saint or an opponent of that. But woe to unrepentant sinners. “Their destruction does not sleep [2 Peter 2:3]. But there is a certain fear of judgment and jealousy of fire, which will destroy the one who desires the opposite” [Heb. 10:27]. So, pray, repent, weep for your sins, do diligently the work of the calling to which you are called, practice mercy, abstinence, fasting, maintain purity and chastity, resort to the intercession of the Mother of God, the holy Powers and the holy saints of God, who were subservient to you, but through the grace of God and with their zeal and love achieved perfection. Oh, how terribly our nature, and especially my heart, has been corrupted by sins! Incessantly, incessantly, day and night, sin works its work in me, corrupts me, confuses me, darkens me, makes me mad, oppresses me, binds me, scalds me, defiles me, deprives me of boldness, torments me, wounds me, kills me. And therefore, I and we all constantly need an all-good and all-powerful Savior, generous and merciful, long-suffering and abundantly merciful, who could always and unceasingly, without tiring, save us out of His immeasurable love; We need an unceasing, all-powerful and all-good Doctor, who would continually heal us. This is precisely our all-loving, cheerful and never-sleeping, almighty, all-holy, wise, generous and merciful, long-suffering and much-merciful Savior and Physician, the Lord Jesus Christ. He constantly saves and heals all those who repent and pray to Him. All men, my fellow members, members of His Holy Church, members of His mystical Body, continually resort to Him; Bring all your needs to Him, our Head. You are members of His Body - be saved by Him, be healed by Him, “for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved” [Acts 4:12]. Mother's grave. Here lies the ashes of my mother: once at her breast it was caressed, nourished, lulled, put to rest, and this for many, many days. How many nights did I keep her awake with my baby roar! How much care and concern I caused her! Here it is my duty to remember her with love and diligently in my prayers at the throne of glory of the Most Merciful Lord! April 17. Saturday. I thank the Lord for serving the Liturgy, for the feelings of tenderness during the celebration of the Sacrament and for the wonderful enlivening of the Divine Mysteries. And I was dead at heart. My God! How corrupted I am! I am constantly changing, not for the better, but for the worse. Not only in an hour, but in a minute I am no longer the same as I was: sometimes for the worse, sometimes by the grace of God for the better. And at night, how much moral change is made in me: at night my heart often dies for God, and the old man, sinful, comes to life; malignant habits and passions strengthen and take root. In the morning, when I get up to pray, I feel laziness, despondency, aversion to prayer, my lips barely serve, my mind is foggy, my heart is rough. The despondency is barely leaving me; The temptations of the enemy over me intensify, he conveniently defeats me by stumbling over me. Today I read the apostolic word about spiritual fruit, which is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control, crucifixion of the flesh with passions and lusts, bearing one another’s burdens [Gal.5:22–6:2]. Until now, I had attached too much importance to tinsel, wealth, learning, beauty, when I saw her standing in a church or met her on the street and in houses; from now on, let me despise it by the grace of God and let me look with my inner eyes at the inner man, who is the same in the king and in the subject, in the general and in the soldier, in the rich and poor, in the learned and the uneducated, in the beautiful and the ugly man. I attached extremely much importance to this whole dream, but I humiliated myself as a person and as a servant of God, and I myself was somehow servile towards this dust and because of it I did not always see a person, for example, I was carried away by the beautiful, but I despised and disgusted the ugly; henceforth let this not happen by the grace of God. I confess my past sin and ask for mercy and help from the Lord for the future, so that I will not be partial. Henceforth, let not my heart be shaken at the sight of tawdry, earthly nobility, earthly learning, earthly wealth, earthly beauty. April 18. I thank the Lord, who blessed me with the service of the liturgy and the communion of the Divine and Life-giving Mysteries. With God's help, he performed the entire liturgy without stumbling, except for the words: “Grant these to your holy churches”...; He pronounced the prayer behind the pulpit firmly, and everyone also said dismissal, except for Saint John the Venerable and the Holy Blessed Prince Alexander Nevsky. Today there were many prayer services. My income is only eighteen rubles. Mr. Fishwick and he and the engineers and he himself drank immoderate porter - two glasses and a glass of sherry and became drunk, however, he behaved well, but at home he staggered and leaned on the door as he passed. I sinned before God and people by leading them, that is, my household, into temptation. Yesterday I had nausea. April 19. I thank You, most merciful and obedient Lord, for at this hour You quickly heard me and had mercy on me, and together, I hope, and my wife, for I ask You for good things for her: softening her cruel heart towards my relatives and towards all those who are strangers to her, taking away from him hatred, envy, ill will, stinginess (giving her nephew all the worst, and all the rest of her family and the best for guests). You see, Lord! So, I thank You, Lord, that through my prayer You quickly healed my troubled soul and gave me healing and peace. Yesterday, before the prayer service at the foundation stone of Moiseev’s house (near Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov), I sinned with impatience and grief at sexton Zrelov for his slowness and slowness; That’s why I wasn’t calm during the prayer service, I hesitated and couldn’t pronounce many words. It was embarrassing and painful, but I had to endure it - you couldn’t escape anywhere when you were harnessed. He imposed the bonds of sin on himself. In the future, let me be patient, unhurried, complacent, forgiving, and compassionate. God bless! I thank the Lord for the work of mercy in me, revealed when I looked to Him with the eyes of my heart with a prayer for salvation from wickedness and bad thoughts that weighed me down in the apartment of Father Alexander Taratin at ten o’clock in the evening. I received peace and freedom from the Lord. Glory to the Lord! Glory to His saving grace! Glory to His quick obedience. One must converse with the invisible Lord as if one were visible; one must fear Him as one who is visible and all-seeing. One must also converse with the holy Angels and holy saints as if one were visible, with the saints as with the living, with the dead as with those who have not died, for all are alive to the Lord. Yesterday I gave alms to the beggars on Aleksandrovskaya Street. A Jewish soldier, Malin, stood there; when I gave alms, he praised me; I rejected his praise as truly unworthy of it, for I know my sinfulness even in giving alms, which I had not learned to give before. Does the Lord look at my alms the way a man does? Are the holy angels like this? Are these the holy saints? Much, much is missing for my alms to be pleasing to the Lord; I often give reluctantly, involuntarily, not humbly, not meekly, without zeal, stingily, with grumbling, with annoyance, with reproaches. I have a false opinion in my head that I read in people’s eyes and faces their inner state, their thoughts and feelings, intentions and, of course, not for the good, but for the bad, like evil intent against me, like their ignorance, pride, guile, malice, humiliation, partiality, unclean thoughts and intentions. This dirty trick is from the father of lies; You should by no means accept such things as truth, otherwise you will deprive yourself and others of peace, and at the same time you will offend a completely innocent person. It's better to think well of everyone. Yesterday I committed three especially important sins: firstly, I allowed sexton Zrelov to be envious in my heart because he alone was given a ruble for a prayer service, and I had to write what was given to me in a mug (three rubles). Do I envy the sexton when my share is five or six times greater than his? What am I missing? Just enough. What am I missing or missing? – Sincere love and goodwill for one’s neighbor, the kind one would wish for oneself from others. I have sinned before God and before people and I condemn myself. Then, going to the cemetery and being there, I, in unrighteous indignation and anger, annoyance, anger at my nephew Ivan Vasilyevich, gave him sharp reprimands and all because of dislike due to his ugliness and sluggishness in words and movements. Only through repentance and a strong heartfelt cry to God did I get rid of this anger and from the terrible cramped conditions and hellish fire. Oh, how every sin still operates within me! Glory to God our Deliverer, Savior, Doctor and Redeemer! 22. The invincible and incomprehensible Divine power of the honorable and life-giving Cross proves: a) the Divinity of the Crucified on it, for the Cross, a simple tree, became life-giving only from the time when our Lord Jesus Christ suffered and died on it, b) that on it the handwriting of our sins was destroyed, torn to pieces, the curse of the Heavenly Father on us was destroyed, death was destroyed and righteousness, blessing and new were granted life, or rebirth and c) the fact that the Lord who was crucified, died, rose from the dead and ascended into heaven is always with us, according to His word: Behold, “I am with you always, even to the end of the age” [Matthew 28:20]. Glory to You, Lord, glory to Your Life-giving Cross! Oh, how many, infinitely many blessings the Lord has given us through the Cross. More often we should reflect on the blessings poured out through the suffering of the cross and the death of the Lord and crucify ourselves to Him, and most importantly, love each other, be forgiving of each other, endure and endure long, live in holiness, in meekness, humility, abstinence, in labor, in vigil, sobriety, prayer. Grant this, Lord, to all Christians. I thank the Lord, who delivered me through the prayer of my repentance, firstly, from anger and hostility towards my nephew for his ugliness, pockmarks and crookedness, of which he is not at all guilty and which do not constitute a significant shortcoming or ugliness of a person, for a person is in the soul, in the image and likeness of God, rational, free, immortal, and not in a corruptible body; secondly, for getting rid of hostility towards the archpriest, rector Father Paul. I had a grudge against him for his grudge against me, although according to the Savior’s commandment I should in no way repay evil for evil, but with goodness, meekness, kindness, love, patience, prayer, and charity. Soon the Lord saved me, giving me peace and belly, coolness, freedom, space, spiritual fatness, life-giving fire. Glory to His mercy. Grant, Lord, not to sin in the future. O my wonderful Savior! Glory to Your omnipresence! Often doubting to pray to God for God's mercy towards some people, especially the rich and noble, living or dead, am I not somehow becoming in the place of God Himself, pronouncing, as it were, lynching these people as unworthy, although I myself am more unworthy than everyone else, and am I not measuring with myself, indecent, evil, impatient, unclean and vile, the boundless mercy of God and the infinite wisdom and power God, who is able to save every person, rich as well as poor? Am I not listening to the voice of the adversary, seeking to destroy every person? From now on, I must unfeignedly, undoubtedly, pray for everyone completely - for the rich, as well as for the poor, for the noble and the simple, for God does not look at faces. Abraham was rich, but he was a friend of God, and so was Job. Who measured God's mercy? Who has explored the abyss of God’s love for mankind? But we, short-sighted, who barely see ourselves and do not see what is before our eyes or under our feet, overjudge ourselves and become judges with evil thoughts (James 2:4). How many absurd thoughts are there in our head and even more absurd movements in our heart? This is enough not to trust your heart in anything when it goes against what the word of God and the Holy Church inspires, but to firmly think, feel, speak and do what they teach. The Holy Church, understood in the sense of the community of all the saints who have moved to heaven, and all Orthodox Christians who labor on earth, has the greatest, unearthly power, which can defeat all the malice of the devil and wicked and malicious people, and destroy all their machinations. Only we must always sincerely believe in the Lord, the all-powerful intercession of the Mother of God and in the intercession of all the saints, and most importantly, live worthy of our great calling. On this basis, the Holy Church often, in the great, small and petitionary litanies, turns us to the intercession of the Mother of God and all the saints, urging us to surrender ourselves, each other and our whole life to Christ our God. The same is suggested in prayers at litia, in stichera, in the canon. Oh, Church, this is a fortress insurmountable by all the forces of hell! Let us only cling to it and diligently call on its Head, the Lord, the Head of the mental creation 17, the Most Holy Theotokos, all the Angels and all the saints. April 24. I thank the Lord for the sweetness of communion with God, given to me this day while serving the early liturgy from A.V. Murashov. Oh, heavenly bliss! Oh, heavenly peace! Oh, all-blessed freedom! O boldness! However, at the great entrance, the devil relaxed my heart and wounded me, depriving me for a while of peace, freedom, boldness, covering me with disgrace and shame. But through the prayer of repentance, the Lord raised me up, pacified me, spread me, established me. Behind the pulpit he said everything, let go of everything, but grant them... etc. again he didn’t say it out of demonic fear. Celebrating one’s own or someone else’s name day is pure gluttony and gluttony, a burden to the soul and body. God forbid I ever attend a name day (at Semenov’s). I thank the Lord, who performed the miracle of His mercy with me and with my wife through my prayer. Coming from class, I found a mess in my bedroom and chapel - the stench of a child’s eruption and ordered it to be taken out quickly, the servants were busy, and my wife was in no hurry; I got excited and imperiously threatened her; she, in turn, got angry and said: I’ll give you change too; I was embarrassed, wounded, ashamed, angry with her (oh, damned me!), but soon came to my senses and began to pray, condemning myself in everything as an instigator, as an intemperate person - and soon my wife’s heart softened, she became affectionate; I changed - she changed too. Glory to Thee, God of miracles, God of hearts, God of internal changes! On the Week of the Paralytic. Every sin, even in thoughts, in an instant movement of the heart, entails relaxation of the spirit, for example, a proud thought, envious, prodigal, selfish, voluptuous. And every good thing has the opposite effect on the soul - it strengthens it, cleanses it, elevates it, enlightens it, delights it, calms it, makes it happy. Sermon. The veneration of holy icons means our faith in the Holy Church, in the communion of saints with us, our ardent love for them and theirs for God and their petition, intercession for us before God. Because of the towel and because of the children's shirts, on which I wiped my hands, trouble, grief and a fall from grace occurred again; but in repentance I prayed to the Lord for a short time, and He again granted peace and coolness. But before this there was confusion and distress. Glory to Him who grants me salvation, peace and health of soul many times over; glory to him who continually remakes me, and who consumes the decay and mortality of sin, and who takes away the filth and rottenness of sin. Glory to the multitude of Your bounties, Master! Yesterday I sinned through gluttony and satiety, eating many times; that is why a great storm of temptations and worries was with me during the all-night vigil: my heart was rough, cold, powerless, dead, possessed by the devil; During the all-night vigil there was no power to get rid of him for my sins. But glory to the merciful God, who gave me tenderness with tears and heartfelt enlightenment. I am not worthy to be numbered among the 18 most holy face of the Church, to be a companion of the saints and close to God. In the evening I didn’t want to drink tea with cream and eat meat, and yet I drank and ate like a dumb animal, led only by sensuality; and from this satiety, as was to be expected, at night there was a temptation in a dream (not in reality) through devilish action and daydreaming. Cleanse, Lord, my great sin! I have no other hope but You. Following the example of the Angels and holy men, the heavenly Church, constantly glorifying the Lord, the earthly Church unceasingly glorifies the Lord day and night. 26. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the late Sunday liturgy with prayer and to partake of the life-giving, heavenly, life-giving Mysteries. Thank you for the unfaltering celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism and Marriage in church and Baptism at home, except for the end (at the end I was embarrassed and did not complete the reprimand). For Vespers I thank the Lord, as the Victor who has given me victory over demons. The temptation during the liturgy was terrible because of sexton Zrelov, who was in a hurry to sing “Worthy and Righteous”... “Holy, Holy, Holy”... etc. I was upset, reckless and angry, in these terrible moments, sacred and reverent for heaven and earth, and my entire state of mind was upset for the rest of the mass and almost the entire day. A terrible tightness enveloped me, shame, a scorching fire. I could hardly calm down enough to consume the Holy Mysteries. Woe to me, the accursed one, because of my gluttony last night at Aleksandr Moiseevich Fedorov’s (he ate meat pie, veal, etc., and drank wine, clinked glasses with everyone and with the mother herself, who had not yet purified herself). I couldn’t say goodbye or I was afraid, because I was ashamed inside, wounded. He served Vespers well throughout: his voice was excellent, he had a lot of boldness. The wedding was celebrated decently with God's help. I thank the Lord. It serves me rightly torment for gluttony and countless satiety and lack of correction. I, a communicant of the Divine Mysteries, have become an idolater and do not understand or feel it. But God is angry with me and therefore punishes me painfully and fiercely. If we are angry with our neighbor for something, that is, we become angry, embittered, then there is no love in us, says St. Maxim18a. So, one should not be upset with a person, even for a plausible fault, as yesterday with Zrelov during mass, during its most important part. (And the reason was satiety. That is why I could not control the feeling of annoyance at him: I was waiting for a drawn-out singing, but he soon sang Worthy and righteous...). God! Grant me to love and respect the highest governmental authority in Your Church: the Holy Synod and the Most Reverend Metropolitan, our archpastor; So, Vladyka Archpastor hit my pride in the head, treating me carelessly and coldly, maybe only apparently, and I mutually lost interest in him, did not love him, my heart fell away from him - and I forgot my sins, my abomination, my lewdness, for which it was necessary to treat me like that; and I had to humble myself and thank God and my archpastor, so that everything would be for my good - both his coldness and his contempt, as it seemed, or my evil eye?.. I was accustomed to respect in the parish, and the metropolitan’s coldness seemed extremely strange to me, although it was common for him, for he was exalted above me. But grant me, Lord, to love and respect him and remember his arduous service, my idleness and laziness and gluttony and other sins. The archpastor is the true image of Jesus Christ - I look at this and nothing more; I should not see any shortcomings in the archpastor, but cover them with love. Yesterday I seriously sinned, calling to their faces the two beggars who met me at the gymnasium to ask for scoundrels, brutes, scoundrels - and when? After communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord. Where is His spirit in me after multiple communions of His Flesh and Blood? Where is meekness, humility, patience, kindness, love that is not irritated, long-suffering, merciful, covering everything? I did not think that need had sent them to me, and not a whim, not idleness. But glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord! You also accepted my repentance and forgave me such insolence and gave me peace with freedom and space after confusion and cramped conditions. Thank you, O abyss of love for mankind, Lord! I praise the wonders of Your mercy. So today I lost my temper again and strongly scolded a drunkard on the porch in absentia, whose wife and children, abandoned by her drunken husband, asked me for benefits; I called him a damn tribe, a beast, and a bastard. But this only confused and wounded his soul for a whole hour. Having arrived home, I began to pray and repent to the Lord, asking for forgiveness, and the Lord - oh, miracle of mercy! Oh, the abyss of mercy and philanthropy! - He had mercy on me again, stretching out His life-giving right hand to me, unworthy! April 27. Tuesday. The week is about being relaxed. I thank the Lord for his help during my service of Matins, Liturgy and Vespers. I thank the Lord, who took away from my heart the tightness of hell, the oppression 19 and the violence of evil demons, and who renewed me with a wondrous renewal. Behold, the Lord renews me all the days. During the liturgy, my conscience was greatly shocked and wounded by the fact that out of four rubles for two prayer services, I set aside one for the poor and wrote down only three in a circle, believing that the excess was given to me for the poor, that I, having worked more than anyone else and walked to prayer services, have the right to give to the poor, and may the Lord be even more generous to us. In church you cannot even think about money during the service - this place is so heavenly and holy! Glory to the Lord! But remove me, Lord, from this earthly heaven into the true heaven to glorify Thee forever and ever. Wake up! I thank the Lord, who showed me a new salvation this evening when I walked along Aleksandrovskaya Street and cried out to Him for salvation. Today, in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, the Lord gave me the wonderful gift of mental and physical health, calmness, lightness, liveliness, space, boldness, joy. Oh, my Heavenly Father! Oh, my Savior! Oh, my Provider! I was at Brown's, drank white port, ate oranges, apples, sardines, Chester cheese, bread and butter (Rumberry), drank tea. I don’t know what caused my headache, probably from wine (two glasses) or from sardines in vegetable oil and quick oil (indigestibility). April 28. I thank the Lord, who showed me His great and wonderful help in my spiritual weakness, especially during the pronunciation of the special litany at Matins (Alexander Dmitrievich Nikitin in stinking clothes), and throughout the entire Matins, He preserved me undefeated from the invisible adversaries who fought me hard and plunged me into despair (because of the ruble given to the poor from brotherly money). From year to year, from month to month, from day to day, from hour to hour, the Lord does good to all of us, showing countless benefits. Glory to His mercy! Glory to His holiness, His righteousness, His wisdom, His omnipotence, His lordship! What a misfortune, what a misfortune it was with me today and in me during mass for Brown’s gluttony and satiety! Satan almost swallowed me - so he dug into me, so confused, wounded, darkened, shamed me before the celebration of the Holy Sacrament and to the end. I was disappearing, melting. Father Alexander Taratin walked between me and the royal doors - and this outraged me extremely. In general, a trifle can anger and upset me. Oh, mental weakness! Oh, my misfortune is due to gluttony! Oh, how weak is my soul because of gluttony! How poor! Lord, have mercy! Lord, teach by Thy justification. Lord, confirm! Heal, revive! God! I thank You for Your wondrous salvation. 29. Yesterday on Wednesday in the evening I drank empty tea with prosphyra, and today I have no voice, my chest is weak. And milk and wine perfectly strengthen the chest and give a powerful, clear voice. Either I don’t need to drink empty tea, at least drink very little, or I need to eat something like medicine or as a preventative, I mean milk, cream, butter, an egg. Never mix lenten food with fast food - this mixture is very harmful: abdominal pain, indigestion. April 30. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace and strength to perform a prayer service on the ship “Nadezhda” (Alexander Nikolaevich Stobeus), belonging to the master of the yard, in the presence of gentlemen engineers and the owner himself. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to read with boldness, sense, liveliness, and a loud voice the canon of the Epiphany and the Holy Apostle James and to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy with a requiem service. The evil one confused and relaxed me at the great entrance at the commemoration of the Holy Synod and the local metropolitan and at the funeral service at dismissal because of my gluttony, satiety and drunkenness. I thank the Lord for the indescribable gift of communion of the Holy Mysteries, with which I, even though unworthy, was revived. May 1st. He sinned against the Lord and extremely inclined his flesh towards fornication at night by eating fish soup from ruffs and roast lean fish from perch in the evening. Oh, Lord, grant me that from now on I will never eat fish at night. Sinful, sinful, sinful, an all-damned glutton, a fornicator, who made his stomach God’s own. I have no spiritual or physical integrity: I am all covered in sinful sores, and the devil, who has wounded me so terribly, still does not allow me to pray, that the clergy leaders of the Church of Christ may be safe - the Holy Synod and the local metropolitan, to whom he, the devil, has instilled in me coldness and disgust for his seeming inaccessibility and contempt towards me, a coldness that is deadening my spirit. But if my Bishop, in my opinion, is not whole, although it is not for me to judge the Bishop, then I pray with Christian humility that the Lord will grant His Church whole, honest, etc. Lord! Help me in the weakness of soul and body, so that I can speak appropriately. Raising Anna Konstantinovna’s children costs us extremely dearly: four and five bottles of milk every day for 8 or 10 kopecks, 50 eggs or more every month, three pounds of meat every day, not counting sugar buns, crackers, delicacies, medicines. But I don’t regret anything for them because of God’s mercy and generosity to me, and I wrote this because the mother of these children, a prosfir woman, who herself receives a good income, allows herself to express dissatisfaction with me because I don’t sew clothes for their children, that is, I don’t make clothes, I don’t give special money for that, although my wife does this with my own money. I wrote this to answer my wife and sister-in-law, just in case. April 29, 1876. Thursday. At the prayer service on the ship “Nadezhda”, out of cowardice and fear of demonic praise to the Mother of God and all the saints, I did not say at the small litany, I even deliberately skipped the entire litany, and at the great litany of water I did not say: “Our Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary”... I sinned against the Lord and Mother of God. The Mother of God and all the saints are the warmest prayer books for us to the Lord, and I often, out of timidity and embarrassment of the devil, do not pronounce their names during divine services. Help, Lord! Give, Lord! Because of my satiation from yesterday evening (fish soup with ruffs and roast perch), today I am in real trouble: the devil is working in me terribly; During Matins, he pressed and embarrassed me with envy and hostility towards the sexton because he was given two rubles especially on the ship Nadezhda, which he took for himself, and I had to write everything down in a mug - eight rubles, of which he would again have a share; then the enemy pressed me with hostility towards the metropolitan - that’s where it was enough! - for his inaccessibility, coldness, exaltation, that he did not honor my unworthiness even with an archpastoral gaze. This is the true barking in my heart of a hellish dog, a mental wolf insatiable with malice, which turns the most empty pretexts into a reason for malice. God! You yourself resolve in me all his intrigues, slander, violence, torment and forbid him; grant me, Lord, to love our Lord, the Most Reverend Metropolitan, and the reader, and every person; Let me not owe anything to anyone, just 22 love another [Rom. 13:8] and every neighbor, and for this sake give me a pure heart, kindly, meekly, condescendingly, patiently, subtly, easily, lovingly, joyfully, sadly, lovingly, obediently, mercifully, uncovetously, sociably. I thank the Lord for his great, wondrous help during my service of Matins and requiem for the full elder Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin. And I was extremely weak and confused by the enemy’s excuses. With what heart do you approach, O priest, the celebration of the Divine Liturgy, this terrible, heavenly Sacrifice for the whole world, for all people? What heavenly, Divine spirit you must be filled with, what a pure heart you must have, what love for everyone, what boldness before God, how heavenly, spiritual you must be, leaving far behind and below you everything earthly, all worldly cares and addictions, how you must be peaceful, calm, free in spirit from all bonds of sin; you yourself enter into communication with God and bring all people into contact with Him, offering Him such a wondrous Sacrifice for all people, for their ignorance 23 and iniquities. Never forget, O priest, that you must be heavenly, loving, meek, kind, patient, pure in heart, in order to carry in your heart the entire universe, for which you are making such a terrible Sacrifice. Count everything earthly as dirt, count it as dust, for everything is truly dust. But pity people, pity them deeply, disinterestedly, ardently; they are God’s favorite creation after the Angels - God Himself became man for the sake of His extreme mercy towards us. Oh, the highest sacrament, the most joyful sacrament, the all-saving sacrament! May 1, 1876. I thank the Lord for the heavenly gift of the liturgy (accomplished by my unworthiness) and the Divine Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood, which I partook of, and for the heavenly peace and freedom of spirit given to me by the Lord following the consumption of the Holy Gifts. During Mass, as well as Matins, there was extreme constriction within me from the abundance of vital seeds, which asked forcibly at night, and were not released for the sake of preserving purity and chastity and for the sake of the health of soul and body. I thank the Lord, the all-good and wonderful Provider for me and for the poor, whom I care for: as soon as I had money for the poor today, I received twenty rubles from Moscow from Mr. Yatskevich to distribute to the poor in Kronstadt. Glory to the providence of the Lord! But improve and enrich, O Lord, our care for the poor, and be the Trustee in it and about it. You are inexhaustible wealth, all our hope is in You in our poverty that we endure, that is, guardianship, for Yours is the earth and what fills it, the universe and everyone living on it. Your silver, your gold, all your treasures. The fragrance of the church produced by the censer always reminds us that our churches not made by hands, souls and bodies, must constantly be fragrant with the grace of the Holy Spirit and virtues: purity, holiness, meekness, humility, kindness, simple-heartedness, sincerity, goodwill, sympathy, condescension, patience, impartiality, love of truth, obedience, mercy. The divine service of our Orthodox Church, festive and everyday, especially festive, puts us in a living connection with the Head of the Church - the Lord Jesus Christ and with the Most Pure Lady Theotokos, with the heavenly immaterial angelic forces and with all the saints, whom we constantly glorify, thank, beg for intercession, pardon, help; Especially the liturgy puts us in a living connection with the Lord, with the Mother of God and with all the saints. The Lord said: “Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age” [Matthew 28:20]. We especially feel the presence of our Master and God in worship and mainly in the liturgy, in which we unite with Him in the most essential way in the communion of His Holy Mysteries. The Lord, in the continuation of the annual cycle of time, every year seems to be born before our eyes, is circumcised, met in the church by Simeon, baptized, goes out to preach to the world, works miracles, suffers envy and enmity from the scribes, Pharisees, high priests, suffers, dies on the cross, is buried, resurrected, ascends to heaven, and sends down the Holy Spirit on those who believe in Him. May 2nd. Once again the miracle of God’s love for mankind happened! I again celebrated the liturgy and received Holy Communion. Again I am saved, again made new, again I have received life from the dead, for I die every hour in sin; again received rebirth through communion of the Holy Mysteries. I praise and extol the Lord, who was so kind to me, a sinner. But when will I improve? When will I be abstinent? When will I fast? For until now I have angered my Lord a lot with intemperance, and even this day, when I should not have had dinner early because I was full, I ate again early, at 2 o’clock, and after dinner, when I went to bed, I felt how my sides were sore and how hard it was for me to sleep. During the liturgy at the great entrance, he did not reprimand, due to the death of the right-believing sovereign, Grand Duke Nikolai Alexandrovich and the entire royal house by an enemy... Then, after the Holy Mysteries, “grant them to your holy churches,” at the release of the holy right-believing prince Alexander Nevsky and Joseph the Songwriter... I praise and extol the ineffable, boundless mercy of my Savior, that He again saved me in repentance and prayer from hostility and contempt for my nephew for his disgrace and crookedness, for which he is not at all to blame. Repenting, I prayed to the Lord to breathe into me unfeigned love - and I received peace instead of confusion, space instead of tightness, boldness instead of despondency, light instead of darkness, strength instead of weakness. Glory to His inexhaustible mercy! The Liturgy is a constant, loud testimony of Divine mercy, redemption, deification towards us, His omnipotence, wisdom, truth, and holiness. The blessing given by priestly hands is also an unceasing testimony of the love of Christ God for us sinners that surpasses reason, according to which He destroyed our legal oath on the cross, being Himself an oath against us [Gal.3:13]. And He interceded for us all the blessing of His Father, which we should deeply cherish. With zeal and love, teach, O priests, the blessing of the Lord to people; be faithful instruments of your Savior. My Eminence, Metropolitan Isidore, showed great condescension and great love to me, that he honored me, indecent, weak in spirit, careless and lazy, with the rank of archpriest and did not erase me from the picture. Yes, I will be grateful to him and quite benevolent. And I persecuted and was indignant at him for his cold, disdainful treatment of me, although I was worthy of it for my sins. However, it only seemed to me that he was disdainful, but in reality he is not like that. My heart is a lie. Lord, have mercy! A thousand thousand times I have experienced that my heart is a lie, a delusion, and yet I still believe him, although, tormented by my trust in him and his malice, I soon repent that I believed it. “Every man is a lie” [Ps.115:2]. Woe to me from my flesh: the eyes are greedy for beauty and catch beautiful faces, outfits, beautiful things of all kinds, but turn away the ugly, ugly ones; the ear is greedy for symphonies and greedily catches pleasant, consonant sounds, and when there is disharmony, I get angry and lose my temper; the sense of smell is greedy for incense and does not tolerate stench; touch requires pleasant sensations; the taste is hungry for pleasant foods and drinks. All this makes my soul a slave of the flesh and feelings, the world, burdens me, removes me from my God, the Source of my life. When will I humble my flesh and give it nothing except what is necessary, giving spiritual food to my soul, which has its own hunger and thirst, its own needs, the satisfaction of which is necessary! I do not have sincere love for my neighbor, because in the event of misfortune, misfortune, stumbling, illness of a person who was unfavorable to me or was proud, stingy, unavailable, I secretly rejoice over his misfortune and illness instead of pitying him and praying for him with the warmth of my heart, as for my brother, fellow member, excusing all his human passions, shortcomings, weaknesses, sins common to us infirmity. Alas for me, wretched one! Without love, what do I mean and where will I be? (Lamanov.) May 3. The devil cruelly slandered (and laughed at me) my sexton Zrelov during today’s matins and early mass, and terribly sarcastically and tormented me, arousing in me a fiery, scorching envy of him, as he was enriching himself (and even if so, what of it?) with handouts from parishioners separately from the brethren. What turned out to be true? He received nothing from Captain Morozov, let alone two rubles, as I probably thought. How much flour did I have? What a slanderer! All-round! Even at night in my members he scorched me with fornication and kindling in my loins! I thank the Lord, who deigned me to celebrate the early liturgy and partake of the Holy Mysteries for my revival, renewal, peace and spiritual freedom from the destructive machinations of the enemy. May 4. Yesterday at night I needlessly ate fried fish without bread: it lay edge-on in my stomach; longing in the heart. O I, a glutton and a glutton, whose belly is God! How long-suffering the Lord has been towards me until now, that in my mind I do things that are unusual even for dumb animals and for the multiple communion of the Holy Mysteries! I don’t tolerate myself for this, but the most merciful Lord still tolerates me. How the earth carries me! After all, the time almost passes while I eat and drink, walk and sleep. Oh, damned one! Oh, wordless 24! The fish has fixed the stomach, there is such rudeness, burden, despondency in the heart! Yesterday evening I slept, which has not happened for a long time! Mess! Don’t eat without need, I tell myself strictly! Never eat at night! Be gone madness! The incorporeal enemy misrepresents me to my imagination and the feelings of people and drags me into captivity, captivity, slavery, confusing, hurting, killing me, depriving me of words; This is how he sometimes draws me into hostility, sometimes into delusion and carnal love, that is, in my thoughts, although I struggle. Never for a moment have hostility or carnal sympathy for anyone in your life, but love everyone according to the spirit of Christ. Otherwise, the enemy will steal and kill your soul when you need it most, that is, its peace, freedom, boldness, strength. May 5th. And at this Liturgy, the Lord vouchsafed me with His great mercy, accepting my repentance and granting me tenderness, peace and spiritual freedom, and completely stumbling-free service and non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries. Then during the day I turned to the Lord many times with a prayer of repentance and was always granted the remission of sins with peace and freedom of spirit. What will I repay the Lord for all this? Oh, grant me to please You, Lord! I thank the Lord, who on this day delivered me many times from the flames of passion through the prayer of my repentance. I praise the goodness and quick obedience of God. I condemn in myself the evil lust of the heart and the resulting lust of the eyes, the lust of the flesh, or prodigal lust, and the pride of life. Why do I despise an unattractive, pockmarked, crooked person, and turn away from him? Isn’t it the same soul in him in the image and likeness of God, which will one day itself be enlightened and illuminate the body with the grace of God, like the sun? “Have faith in Jesus Christ our Lord of glory, regardless of personalities,” the Apostle exhorts me [James 2:1]. I condemn myself with all my heart for partiality, for turning away from a person who is innocent of anything against me. For his shortcomings, for his crookedness, I should feel sorry for him. Grant me, Lord, holy love for Your creation and for that which is in Your image and likeness in it. Lord, cleanse my nasty, prodigal, lying, lustful, incontinent, proud, envious, greedy, proud, flattering, fearful, obsequious, lazy, completely ugly heart, and let it be in Your image and likeness - Your holiness, Your truth, love, meekness, simplicity, gentleness, humility, mercy, patience and long-suffering. May 7. Friday. After early mass. I thank God and the Father, who granted me a great victory over sins and over demons, who fought and subtly defeated me in my thoughts and feelings, after I consumed the Holy Mysteries, as during communion and before communion. The myrrh poured out truly is Your name, O Lord, taking away all the stench of sin from my heart, taking away both my soul and my body, fragrant; it is my fortress and strength, protection and deliverance. Many times the Lord saved me with His glorious name everywhere and everywhere. You need to cry, not laugh, at what people laugh at in the theater or in the dormitory of this world. And how much laughter there is in the theater and in the hostel! The theater has nothing in common with Christianity, with the Church, but opposes it in everything. Theater is the focus of the adulterous and sinful world, its creation in its image and likeness, just as the Church is the creation of God in the image and likeness of God. To those who love the theater we must say: “Woe to you who laugh now!” for you will weep and wail” [Luke 6:25]... The very idea of ​​the theater, the object, the motivation, the goal of it are in any way consistent with the idea, the object, the goal of Christianity? Not at all. Isn't all this the opposite of Christianity? Isn’t the theater most often a school of sin? For example, guile, cunning, laughter, carnal love, lies, deception, etc.? Go and see. And another of the important sins of the theater is idle talk and idle talk, or the abuse of God’s greatest gift to man - the word by which man differs from all animals and is called verbal, a word that should primarily be an instrument of our salvation, a teacher of good morals, the consolation and adornment of humanity, the connection of Christian souls, for whom life here is the path to eternity and is given for preparation for it and for improvement in every virtue. May 9th. Winter: the whole earth, all the roofs are covered with snow. It was because of the freezing of our hearts that the Lord was angry with us. Grant us fire, fire, Lord, purifying our hearts, melting the ice of human hearts, igniting them with the fire of love. Here I am, the accursed one, alien to love: yesterday they talked about the madness of Anna Petrovna, the wife of Archpriest Lamanov, and I have no sympathy, but on the contrary, secret gloating and condemnation in my heart: this is for your pride, for ridiculing the beggars and those giving alms, for cards, for constant gossip and so on. I have sinned before the Lord! I have a bad heart, a very bad one! Only the omnipotent grace of God for my repentance can change it for the better, when I obey the Lord and surrender myself and my whole belly to Him. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy over me, the accursed, yesterday during early mass, for the grace of tenderness and complete non-stumbling during its service. I saw both the action of all-evil sin in myself and the action of the all-powerful, all-conquering grace of God. I am cursed, poor, poor, blind, naked, I wish evil, disaster, illness, even death to people, in my opinion, wicked, proud, hard-hearted. I condemn myself for this sincerely. God alone knows completely the hearts of men, and He, He alone is the righteous Judge of all. My job is to mourn my sins and wish everyone well and salvation. Grant me this, O Lord, by Thy grace tuna 25. Allow me to strictly, strictly judge myself, my malice, envy, pride, self-love, voluptuousness, gluttony, uncleanness, lasciviousness, hard-heartedness, partiality, negligence, laziness, ingratitude, lack of faith, cowardice and all the hordes of sins, and to pity and pity people, as if carried away by the stream of evil and the common deceiver and murderer, flattering the whole universe, and in any case, seeing more good than evil in people, for I know, I know from experience, how much the devil slanders people to me, inciting me to hostility and enmity against them. Oh, may I cover everyone with love! Amen. I have sinned against my lord, the Metropolitan, Lord, I have grown cold towards him, I am unkind to him and I think that his inaccessibility, murderous coldness, and exorbitant arrogance pushed him away from me. This comes from my self-love and ambition, from my pride. And he, like a ruler, heals me with humiliation in the form of a reception. Meanwhile, he awarded me the rank of archpriest and gave me a pectoral cross. What more? I am ungrateful... Forgive me, Lord, transform, I pray, my heart and [honor] and love fervently grant me everyone whom I did not love and whom I turned away. “Create in me a pure heart” [Ps. 50:12], Lord, 26 love everyone not according to their appearance, but unfeignedly, and love enemies, and do good to those who hate, and pray for those who harm me [Matthew 5:44]. Seeing people who are unattractive and, moreover, lacking an eye or a nose, or with a growth on the face and nose, one should not be disgusted and despise and hate them for that, for this is not their fault, as the devil incites to turn away and hate them, but to pity and especially be disposed towards them with heartfelt love, for this is their physical misfortune, not a moral shortcoming, and to thank God for the fact that we have members and healthy feelings, although no less, if not more sinful before God than they are, and try with all our might to keep the feelings of our soul healthy and intact, 27 especially love for our neighbor. Woe to us who look at faces and hypocritically love, who are accustomed to measuring faces: whether they are beautiful or not, and who place the dignity of a person in external beauty. Is this how God sees it? No, God looks at the heart, but man looks at the face [1 Samuel 16:7]. May 9. Resurrection. Because of the gluttony and satiety of the birthday boy Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov, after the home all-night vigil, I felt terribly hard during the early mass in the Duma Church - I could not completely control my heart, coarsened and weakened by gluttony; the enemy overthrew me, especially at the great entrance and at the dismissal. However, grace finally overcame the power of the enemy, and after communion of the Holy Mysteries, I was miraculously revived, as well as through the use of the Holy Gifts. But it was necessary to do long-term and intense movement in the fresh air and strong reading and singing at prayer services in order to achieve complete lightness of heart. Under the condition of the image and likeness of God in man, it was mentally and really necessary to incarnate the Son of God and give man the Sacraments of rebirth in baptism and the new creation in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, or perform the liturgy and give man the Body and Blood of the Lord for food and drink. Develop this idea when explaining the liturgy, talk about the connection between the Old and New Testaments. The entire divine service of the Orthodox Church is arranged in such a way that a true Christian lives a heavenly, holy life on earth, in unceasing service and pleasing to God, in union with God, in community with the Mother of God, the heavenly Angels and all the saints. Therefore, for example, on Sunday we glorify the risen Christ and His wonderful economy of our salvation; on Monday, glorifying the Lord and offering Him prayers of repentance, petition, thanksgiving and praise, we glorify the Mother of God and the Heavenly Powers, asking for their intercession and intercession; on Tuesday - the Forerunner of the Lord; on Wednesday we glorify the cross of the Lord and His Most Pure Mother, who suffered more than all others; on Thursday - our greatest benefactors, enlighteners, innovators - the apostles and the wonderworker Nicholas, the miracle of selflessness and Christian love, the miracle of mercy for others, the miracle of purity, meekness and humility; on Friday - the suffering and death of the Lord and again the Most Pure Mother of God; On Saturday we glorify all the saints and pray for the repose of the souls of all our forefathers, fathers and brothers. A Christian must live simply and wisely in the world: that is why there are frequent reminders in the church: “Wisdom, npocmu.” True wisdom is the simplicity of the Gospel: “be wise as a serpent, and your goals (simple) as doves” [Matthew 10:16]. With simplicity and wisdom we will defeat the devil, with the help of the Lord Jesus Christ, who is wise, but infinitely crafty and is not so conveniently caught and defeated by anything as by the integrity of our holy faith and Christian life, our straightforwardness (forgive us) and love for the truth. Every sin in essence is wickedness, as it is said: “take away wickedness from your souls” [Is. 1:16], learn to do good. Virtue consists of truth and rightness. “Renew a right spirit in my womb” [Ps. 50:12]. I will also repeat: one must live extremely wisely in a world where temptations of sin, customs and even sinful rules are encountered at every step; We need constant attention to ourselves (let’s see!), attention to the word of God, which shows us the path of life. Why have I not fasted until now, knowing the need for fasting from the word of God, the holy fathers and teachers of the Church, and from my own experience? Now sin takes me captive every day for the sake of my intemperance, and it is bitter for me when it impudently drags me into confusion and lustful movements, especially in front of numerous people, at the sight of beautiful women or maidens, and especially before public prayer. Yesterday I was with Father Vladimir Fedorovich Krasnopolsky (hospital priest), he had wine, sweet tea with crackers, especially cream, and today I could not control my heart and my flesh during the prayer service: the disembodied enemy confused me, scratched me with prodigal movements of the heart and flesh, and I barely served the prayer service on the occasion of the anniversary of Saints Cyril and Methodius, or the anniversary of the first Zemstvo School in our parish guardianship. I am damned, poor, poor, blind, naked, weak, dead without fasting and especially without communion of the Holy Mysteries. “You are my strength, Lord, You are my strength, You are my God, You are my joy” 24 ... May 11. Alas! We have returned to the times of paganism and are setting up shameful idols of the goddess of love and other gods of paganism, in whom human passions are personified. Literature, sculpture, painting, photography come to us with the most zealous services, and people, if not externally, then internally, often fall into the sin of vision for the sake of vision - if they had not seen, they would not have sinned. Oh, how human nature, beautiful, godlike, is humiliated by fornication! How does a fornicating man laugh at God, making man, a god-like creature, only an instrument of his bestial sweetness or sacrificing himself to carnal sweetness! O man! Remember Who clothed you and you in Whom you clothed yourself! Keep your dignity. Remember often what Christ God has done for you! Have before your eyes, as in a picture, His entire earthly life, especially His last days, His Last Supper, as “He devoured Himself, eat, cry out, My Body and be strengthened by faith” 25. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from universally flattering internal fornication. In the worship of our Orthodox Church, the idea is obvious and vividly felt to every believer and attentive person that all believers on earth, pastors and flocks, and saints of God in heaven, starting with the Mother of God, are one Church, one house of God, one Body, the Head of which is the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, and the soul is the Holy Spirit Himself, animating, enlightening, purifying, sanctifying and strengthening everyone members of this great Body laboring on earth. And this important thought, this main and comforting truth, should never be lost sight of by those praying in church, for it can and should have a very beneficial and saving effect on the state of mind of a Christian (especially during prayer) and throughout his life, serving for him as a source of saving, higher feelings and virtues, for example, sincere sympathy for everyone, mercy, meekness, kindness, respect and holy friendship and the most gratifying aspiration during life and beyond. death. The living conviction that I am a member of the Church, that in this living body the constant interaction of members of one another: perfect - weak, strong - weak - during life and after death, on the other side of the tomb, serves for me as the greatest consolation, encouragement, reinforcement in the sorrowful hours of life; The Church constantly reminds us that the Mother of God, the holy Angels, and all the saints of God are constantly praying for us in heaven, that on earth the ascetic Church day and night intercedes for us, her faithful children, before God - are these prayers and intercessions in vain? No, not in vain: they do miracles on earth, save the world from destruction (the seed of its holy standing [Is. 6:13]) and from countless disasters to which people would inevitably undergo for countless iniquities that irritate the Lord; these intercessions and prayers save entire kingdoms from death and destruction. Let us remember the intercession of Saint Leo the Great, the Pope of Rome, before Attila, the leader of the Huns, Saint Sergius of Radonezh and other Russian saints for the Kingdom of Russia, especially the Mother of God for the Russian Empire - how often She saved our fatherland from enemy invasions with Her all-powerful prayers! Isn't this comforting? Isn’t it gratifying, isn’t it great to be a good member of such a Church? What is more valuable, more important, higher, more glorious? Truly nothing - this is the reason why her faithful sons - holy martyrs - so sincerely and firmly clung to the Church and died for the faith and the Church, this is why the holy ascetics, reverend fathers and reverend wives and all her faithful children so strictly fulfilled her instructions and rules: they valued the honor of being her children, they valued being members of Christ Himself, co-members of the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy Angels and all the saints, and they feared I even think, with one unkind thought, to offend the sanctity of the body of the Church, not only with words or deeds. Let us also imitate them, members of the same Church, the same mystical Body. Wake up. Amen. May 12. Sin stinked the earth - the Lord Jesus Christ perfumed the earth with His birth, life on earth, His walk on it, His breath, His word, the shedding of His blood on the cross, His position in the tomb and resurrection from the dead, and finally by sending the Holy Spirit on the apostles. The fragrance of the censer means the fragrance of Christ and the Holy Spirit, sanctifying the believers. Every day aphids corrupt my heart, soul and body (pus, scrofula, pain) and these mental ones undermine the building of my soul and steal from it innocence, simplicity, calmness, boldness, joy, introducing the opposite bad properties. “Lord, have mercy... Not everyone who says to Me: “Lord! Lord!”, will enter the Kingdom of Heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in Heaven [Matthew 7:21]. “The Lord knows those who are His”; and: “Let everyone who confesses the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness” [2 Timothy 2:19]. If you hate sinners, then hate yourself first, as the first sinner, then you will hate other sinners with righteous hatred; and as long as you consider yourself better than others and hate others because they once offended your pride in some way, then your hatred is devilish and you yourself are a slave to the devil, because you do his deeds, you do what pleases him. We must love those who harm us, pray for them, for they are our members; In general, pride must be torn out by the roots, since it is a lie and destruction, and all evil is based on it. “Everything must be fulfilled that was written about Me in the law of Moses and in the prophets and psalms” [Luke 24:44]. On the basis of these words of the Lord, the law of Moses, the prophets, and the psalms, especially the psalms, are read during worship; like the veins and bones in the body, so the psalms run throughout the entire service, form its basis, connect the Old Testament with the New, Old Testament singing with the New Testament, prophetic with the apostolic and patristic. May 13th. After a rain shower, scrofula overcame me, the flow of matter from the ear increased at night due to the consumption of buckwheat porridge with vegetable oil and some satiety; heaviness in the heart, in the sides. There was almost no voice at mass - hoarse and rattling, crowded conditions, demonic fear; before the end of the mass, the all-evil enemy took a great victory over me because of my impatience, impurity of heart, lack of teaching of the love of Christ and because of evil suspiciousness: I was upset with Father Deacon Poletaev for not kissing the priest’s hand and, not being healed from this grief, took communion, then hastened to bring the Mysteries to the people, without properly reading the Sunday troparia and the prayer of thanksgiving; the enemy wielded malice against the deacon, I was abnormal, there was a devilish tightness in my heart, confusion, demonic paralysis; “Save, God, people”... he spoke with an unfree heart, he showed the cup to the people too, he read the prayer behind the pulpit with fear of the devil and dislike of the deacon in his heart; I missed some words at the end; I started my vacation and didn’t finish it... I only said the last words. Then I spoke out to Father Deacon, and this had a saving outcome: I calmed down, having made peace with Father Deacon, and at the prayer service I said my full release, and at the memorial service too. I used the Holy Gifts for salvation - I became completely revived, calmed down, all the tightness in my soul was relieved, I was renewed. (Porridge with vegetable oil strengthens me, and as a result there is irritation, despondency, spiritual powerlessness; I don’t eat porridge, and in general I need abstinence, fasting.) I thank the Lord, who has also revived and renewed me through the communion of the Holy Mysteries. But it’s time for me to continually look forward to the Lord and leave everything earthly and corruptible, for my heart is decaying. It seems to me very often that people are the cause of my grief, embarrassment, indignation, embitterment, their pride, greed, stinginess, love of money, wealth, hard-heartedness or external ugliness, clumsiness, clumsiness, rudeness, but in fact - the devil nesting in my heart, in my passions. So, for example, I am often indignant at my nephew John, pockmarked and crooked, with an ugly face, and I think that he is the cause of my indignation, grief, but in fact he is the devil wielding my passionate heart, or I myself rather than the devil, for I have learned to see and highly value beautiful faces, and to turn away from ugly ones and despise them, although in both of them the same image God's created souls, and God, of course, is infinite beauty. So, let us give glory to God and let us equally honor His image, whether it is in a beautiful body or in an ugly one: let us not consider the frame, the clothing of the image as the image itself, and despise the image because of the ugly frame. It is not the lot of this corruptible, charming, temporary age to be all young, beautiful, rich, glorious, strong and mighty, wise, healthy, cheerful and carefree, but very many, due to the weakness of nature, sinfulness and countless everyday circumstances, not without the will of God, of course, or not without God’s permission, have to be unsightly and even ugly in the face, for example, with growths on the face or on nose, pockmarked or one-eyed and eyeless, noseless, deaf, crippled or with a cut mouth or a sore nose, or lame and armless, or burry and stuttering, or inevitably many have to be old and wrinkled, or poor, sick and frail, and many have to be ignorant. In that future century, everyone will be like Angels, everyone will be holy, beautiful, everyone will be glorious, contented, blooming, bright, fragrant, strong, healthy, blessed. The inequality and imperfection of people in the present perverse age, when the power of darkness reigns and sin is rampant in many forms, clearly point to the future perfect age, where everyone will be equalized, as far as the truth of God will do it, everyone will be glorified, “will shine like the sun in the Kingdom of their Father” [Matthew 13:43]; there many who were last here will be first, those who were ugly here will be beautiful there, the poor rich, the inglorious glorious and vice versa. The stench of my sister-in-law Anna K.'s pride rises higher and higher, growing more and more. How she exalts herself, how she rules! How she humiliates the priesthood! With what malice does she speak of the stumblings and failures of any of the priests or of anyone’s fall! In almost every word of her speech, you only hear that she and she are everything, and those who pamper her, indulge her, to whom she, in turn, is extremely servile, cunningly, slyly. God! Give some sense to you! Humble yourself! Tame you! It seems that it is not a big problem to look in the mirror, but those who look often become accustomed to looking, to vanity, vanity, self-indulgence, or self-indulgence, they get used to valuing appearance, neglecting the inner man, in which all their strength and dignity, they learn to value people by their face, and not by their soul and the title of a person and a Christian, and thus falls daily and many times into the sin of partiality, servility, or contempt, or internal fornication. Thus, looking in the mirror is often a sin. Look, man, into the mirror of your conscience and into the mirror of God’s law every day and many times. This will be very saving for your soul, which, having been created beautiful as the image and likeness of God, through inattention and carelessness about itself, was disfigured by sins and fell into corruption. The Lord, who clothed himself in a body obsequious to us and accepted our weak soul, except for sin, shed tears, like us, so that (by the mercy of compassion) he would have compassion for our tears and for the tears of repentance he would have mercy and comfort us, and He Himself said: “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted” [Matthew 5:4]. And so, when I cry, the Lord, who Himself wept, sympathizes with my tears as the most compassionate, the most kind-hearted, the most gracious, and for the sake of His shed tears for me, he has mercy, heals, and comforts me. Your power, Lord! What is the power of God? That Jehovah, who existed all creation, holds its all-good, wise and omnipotent hand, holds in His hand the breath of all living things, their temporal and eternal fate, I mean rational creatures, contains the circle of the earth by a handful, all the elements with their actions, the sun, moon and stars, contains in His power all the abysses, Satan himself and all the evil fallen spirits, all hell. His power is unspeakable, endless. Glory to His all-good, all-powerful, wise power, which nothing can resist and to which hell trembles. You, Lord, by Your power constantly support me, live me, benefit me through everything visible and invisible, save me, delivering me daily from the power of death and from the possessing power of death, terrible and unbearable, taming and healing my passions, raising me from death to life through my repentance, giving me tears of tenderness, comforting me, helping me in all good deeds, changing my enemies into well-wishers and evil into good, making me wise, enlightening me and bestowing all kinds of good deeds on me, an unworthy person. Glory to Your wonderful power! In the depths of my soul nestles great self-love, self-will, carnality, malice, envy, pride, ambition, people-pleasing, a tendency toward despondency, cowardice, and fear of people; from time to time, on occasion, these passions flare up in me like hellish fire, and strongly scorch me or stand like sharp goads in me. In general, people are like saltpeter matches: at the slightest contact they ignite. We must live carefully every day and every hour, for we all walk in the midst of snares. I thank the Lord, who reconciled me with my wife and my wife with me. May 15. Resurrection. What grace, lightness in my soul and body from the fact that, having prayed fervently yesterday at the All-Night Vigil, I did not eat or drink anything in the evening before bed! What a calm, light sleep, with good dreams. Oh, may God grant me to love constant abstinence and leave behind burdensome satiety. Yesterday I only dined on pie with sizhok and mushrooms. But yesterday morning I made a big mistake, that I ate a loaf of butter with tea - by doing this I burdened my stomach, weakened my soul, depriving it of the grace of God, and therefore the enemy conveniently aroused in my heart unclean, inappropriate movements that troubled and tormented me, from which I only got rid of my heart, in repentance, by looking to God. May 15. After early mass. The murderous enemy pressed, embarrassed, fought, did not allow me to say what needed to be said, for example, at the proskomedia, at the great entrance, after the Sacrament: “First remember, Lord”... the words: “And grant to your saints churches in peace, whole, honest, healthy, long-living” - I could not pronounce in any way... The voice was weak, rattling because the fact that yesterday I only ate pie, drank tea and did not eat black bread or cabbage soup. When I could not pronounce the words: grant them, etc., I spat to the left and said loudly: fie, you devil... (I ran out of patience). I thank the Lord, who saved me through the prayer of my repentance in church at four and a half o’clock in the evening after Vespers from sorrow, oppression and inner fire for my hatred of the archpriest’s father because of his false accusations written against us, clergy, in his paper, and for opposing him; then he saved me in Sturgeon’s house during the baptism of baby Demetrius, when I, looking at the picture of the naked ancestors Adam and Eve, thought obscene things about the foremother Eve, and for this I was overcome by embarrassment, cramped conditions, shame, dumbness, and fire. I repented and immediately calmed down, having received mercy from the omnipresent Lord; then at home at eleven o’clock in the evening, being in cramped quarters for gloating about an acquaintance who had become insane, the wife of a comrade, Anna Petrovna Lamanova, who had lost herself in happiness and was cutting everyone with her tongue, I sincerely condemned myself, gloating and malice, asked for mercy from the Lord and received mercy from Him; was in cramped conditions and for laughing from reading a newspaper, he condemned himself for sin and was pardoned. Glory to Thee, merciful, quick to obey, gracious Lord! May 17. Monday. I thank with all my heart my Lord, who transformed the great storm of enmity and quarrel (over a silver tea spoon) into the world, who transformed the fire of hell into the dew of His grace, our hearts, mine and my wife’s, who softened, who transferred oppression into space, shame into boldness, sorrow into joy. The prayer of repentance, faith and hope is not ashamed: my Lord again appeared to us as the God of mercy, generosity and love for mankind, a gracious God, helpful, quick to obey, quick to intercede. Grant me, Lord, to always remember Your great blessings and always give ardent gratitude for them. Oh, what happened to me in the morning during the quarrel! I was all confused, on fire, cramped, my hand was shaking, I couldn’t write letters to Arkhangelsk, I barely shot. How precious is the world! The great good is peace! May the peace of God always be with us. Shouts in the church during worship ... forever and ever mean that the Church, beginning in time, passes into eternity, that Christians, serving God in time, will serve Him in eternity. 18. I thank the Lord, who called me, unworthy, to commune with Himself in the service of the early Divine Liturgy (from Father Matthew); at the great entrance the devil opposed me when pronouncing the names of the royal house; grant them, etc.... did not allow them to be spoken, but after communion of the Holy Mysteries, he overcame the enemy by the grace of Christ God: I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, and said the entire dismissal. Through final communion, or the use of the Holy Gifts, I was completely pacified, blessed, and deified. Glory to the ineffable love of God! Glory to His bounties! Saying: “Lord, have mercy,” we must repent of our sins, we must fear the Lord as unworthy, unworthy servants, guilty of His righteous wrath, we must live righteously and holy, as it is said: “Let everyone who confesses the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness” [2 Tim. 2:19]. What a joyful, heart-enlivening thought if you imagine that all Orthodox Christians constitute one spiritual Kingdom of God as sons of the Kingdom, one Church of God, one body, one spirit, one vine with many generations, that God reigns in all in Christ Jesus and the Spirit of God lives in all, as it is said: “You are the church of the living God, as God said: I will dwell in them and will walk in them... and I will be a Father to you, and you will be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty” [2 Cor. 6:16–18]; or: “Don’t you know that you are the church of God, and the Spirit of God lives in you?” [ 1 Corinthians 3:16 ]. Oh, that God might reign in all, as we pray: “Thy kingdom come”; Oh, if everyone lived according to the will of God, rejecting their own, false, disastrous! If only everyone would try to live righteously and holy, how holy is the Lord our God! If only the Holy Spirit dwelt in everyone, by whom all were born and sealed. If only Christ lived in everyone! If only everyone would ripen spiritually in God’s field, like spiritual wheat! If only peace, silence, love, purity, abstinence and other virtues reigned everywhere! What a delightful sight it would be on earth! How happy and happy everyone would be! We must pray diligently about this, especially during the liturgy. “Look at the fields, how they are white and ripe for harvest” [John 4:35]! Wonderful and Divine is the liturgy of the Orthodox Church because of the broad love with which it embraces the whole world, all people, especially all Orthodox Christians. Oh, how a priest must be pure in heart and exalted in spirit, serving the liturgy, like other services, and offering to God such common and concordant prayers for the whole world, for all people, for the living and the dead, and offering a grateful Sacrifice to the Lord for all the saints and for the Most Holy Theotokos Herself! He must be above all earthly things, above all earthly passions, above all demonic fears! He must be filled with fiery, seraphim love for God and for the world beloved by Him. “For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life” [John 3:16]! “Blessed is the Kingdom of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. From the Gospel: Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand” [Matthew 3:2]. When going to the church of God, as to the Kingdom of God, first of all bring repentance to God for your sins, for “nothing unclean and no one given over to abomination and lies” will enter the Kingdom of God [Rev. 21:27]. May 19. I am a fool and a bastard! Last night I drank Bavarian beer, then ate cheesecake and pie and drank milk - which is why, despite the walk to the sea, I slept restlessly at night. I stood up and prayed for the cleansing of my soul from the prodigal movement. You should not eat or drink at night, especially beer. You should never drink it. May 20. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace and strength to perform without stumbling, with boldness, and cordially, two farewell prayers at two military courts and to officiate, also with boldness and cordiality, a wedding in the cathedral. How disastrous it is to evade the unity of faith and reverence for God can be seen in the Christian European powers, especially in England, which for another time in my memory stands for savage Mohammedanism against Christians; Prussia and Austria are a little better: Christians are beaten, slaughtered, desecrated, and they only make fun of the Mohammedan power, instead of punishing it or giving a general threatening note. I thank the Lord for the threefold quick deliverance of me by the Lord on this day from the absurd devil’s anger towards innocent people, although it is absurd to be embittered against the guilty and to add a new, greatest crime to the crime (guilt) - anger. For malice is the destruction of the entire law of God, just as love is the fulfillment of the law. Glory to You, Lord, My Light, My Mercy! Liturgy is the sacrament of purification, sanctification, enlightenment, renewal, rebirth, revitalization of man for eternal life, the sacrament of divine love, the sacrament of exaltation, the deification of dishonored, humiliated, perishing in sins man. “It is better for you to enter the Kingdom of God with one eye, than with two eyes to be cast into fiery hell, where their worm does not die and the fire is not quenched” [Mark 9:47–48]. Doesn’t this passage of Scripture also apply to those who, by nature or from illness or from bruises and other unfortunate circumstances, have lost one or both bodily eyes (if, of course, they live virtuously and by faith), as if in compensation for the misfortune of poverty and for the deprivation of a much-needed member? In any case, the deprivation of an eye is associated with many inconveniences in life: here is the constant deprivation of light, and the undeserved disgust of others for a completely involuntary defect, and loss of promotion, and so on and so forth. When we see the misfortune of a one-eyed person, we, who have both eyes, should be especially grateful to the Lord, who gave us healthy organs of vision and all other bodily senses, and use them for the glory of God, sincerely pity and love those deprived of sight or other senses and members of the body and help them and in every possible way avoid the slightest feeling of hostility, contempt and disgust that arises in our cursed and bad heart, accustomed to contemplation, beauty, to the delusion of the prodigal. The prodigal heart is partial to carnal beauty, devours it with greed with eyes and lust, like a tasty morsel, and turns away from ugly and ugly faces with vexation and hatred, as from uncleanness, as from a monster or as from poison. Thus, having become addicted to carnal beauty, we completely omit spiritual, incorruptible beauty, which very often occurs in a person who is ugly in appearance, and we are led astray from the truth, angering God, the Creator of all. “All that is in the world: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life, is not from the (Heavenly) Father, but is of this world” [1 John 2:16]. My nephew and I are equally wretched: I can’t hear in one ear, he doesn’t have one eye; However, his misfortune is greater: he has no eye at all, not just a blind eye. Because of our sins it was so - Thy will be done, Lord! May 21. He served early mass by the grace of God safely and without stumbling, but was extremely weak in spirit and body; After communion, he revived, truly feeling the life-giving fire. He served two prayer services after mass at the customs house with the inspector and Mrs. Kromido; I drank coffee with cream; sinned against God - it was Friday. Before the wedding there was great embarrassment: I prayed to God for removal and received it. During the wedding, the sexton turned out to be drunk; again I was embarrassed and could not perform the wedding well. Viktor Nikolaevich Makarov replaced the sexton. Orthodox! You, praying during mass and especially allowing parts to be taken out for health and salvation and for repose, [communicate] at the proskomedia and during the liturgy with the Lord, the Mother of God, the Forerunner, the prophets and apostles, the martyrs, the saints and all the saints. Oh, the nobility of a Christian! Oh, happiness and bliss! Who do I communicate with? What and how great intercession am I worthy of (with whose prayers visit us, O God). In addition, I renew daily my fellowship in Christ with the entire earthly Church! Oh, universal liturgy, universal! Oh, the liturgy is truly divine and adoring man, heavenly and creating people from earthly ones into heavenly ones! Yesterday, just before the wedding, I was overcome by an evil despondency (from the devil and from my worldly passions) at the sight of the crookedness and disgracefulness of my nephew Ivan, and it became so hard, restless, and shameful for me that I barely calmed down and freed myself from this evil despondency in church, falling with secret prayer at the throne of God in the Peter's chapel. I thank the Lord, who did not abandon me even in this terrible hour (the day of cruelty). Moreover, both the deacon and the sexton were drunk. Today in a dream I saw my wife suddenly sick, changed, thinner and blue in the face (with a drooping nose). I felt sorry for her; as if because of Rufina (that she was sick) my wife also fell ill. She was fussing about something. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to overcome the disembodied enemy while reprimanding the exclamation: “Remember first, Lord”... everything to the end and dismissal of the mass. The holy saints of God are great people, friends of God, new people, purified, sanctified, strengthened and adorned with all sorts of spiritual graces and perfections by the Holy Spirit. And we must imitate them - renew ourselves from day to day. This is necessary, this is the first duty. May 22. Saturday Trinity. Early mass, that is, I served it. The prayer behind the pulpit, and dismissal, and “Remember first” - he said everything. I thank the Lord for his heavenly service and for the wonderful salvation granted to me through the communion of the Divine, most pure and life-giving Mysteries. On May 20th the summer warmth began, and before that time everything was cold and the trees were bare. Praise the Lord. Father Matthew Veselovsky, our housekeeper without keys, cut down large, healthy, fluffy birch trees in his government garden, which provided magnificent shade, aroma, greenery, beauty and coolness, without any good reason, however, it seems, out of an unfounded fear of thieves, who allegedly could hide under the birches and encroach on his great wealth, with which he does not know where to go. God! Let his wealth not strangle him, like Judas, but let him use it for good deeds, for he probably has thirty-five thousand rubles - the all-seeing eye sees. But let me not envy my brother one iota in his perishing wealth, for in You, Lord, is our wealth, and what wealth! The wealth of eternal life, eternal joy, eternal beauty, eternal, incorruptible pleasure, the wealth of deification, eternal lordship, eternal greatness. Grant us this wealth every day and hour to hunger, thirst, seek it with all our might, love it. Every day I violate the commandment of the entire law of the Gospel - about love for God and neighbor, and all because of earthly, worldly passions, out of envy, pride, ambition: my brother (Father Alexander Taratin) did not come up to me to say hello - I grieve, I am embarrassed, I have hostility towards him and only through repentance and prayer I get rid of all this; after drinking, the brother (deacon, deacon) came to the service - again embarrassment and hostility; or the food at home is not for me, it’s supposed to be out of place or something else is wrong - again I get irritated, embarrassed, seething, sometimes swear. How much sin! Forgive, Lord, my sins. Before the all-night vigil, the Lord saved me through my prayer from the most painful, evil despondency and malice. I thank the Lord. Look at the Church, Christian, with love and reverence - she educates and guides you for eternal life towards heaven, she is the line between heaven and earth. She is the earthly heaven - whoever desires the Heavenly Fatherland loves to be in church. Sorrows of the heart and soul, illnesses and pains are useful and necessary for a person, because they humble, cleanse and heal the soul, ailing from self-love, pride, vanity, contempt, malice, envy, dislike, laziness, negligence, gluttony, waywardness, love of money, stinginess, greed and many other sins. After illness and sorrow, a person’s spirit becomes more humble, purer, clearer, and more pleasing to God. (Pain in my leg during the All-Night Trinity Vigil; before the All-Night Vigil, involuntary anger towards the babies Zrelov and Polyglotov, whom I saw on the street, towards my nephew; as a result of this, sorrow, oppression, shame, evil despondency of the soul, from which I freed myself after intense secret prayer in church before the All-Night Vigil. Truly “The Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it away” [ Matthew 11:12 ].) So after the all-night vigil I felt better mentally, more humble, purer. So, let us surrender ourselves, each other and our whole life, with all sorrows and joys, with health and illness, with troubles and misfortunes, with happiness and prosperity, exaltation and humiliation, to Christ our God. When reading the akathist to the Most Holy Trinity, the enemy bothered me with thoughts like this: why didn’t you compose it - after all, you could have composed it as well - these are ordinary songs, that is, he embarrassed me with envy of such a great person in my soul who composed the akathist. But isn’t this akathist the common property of everyone? Such wondrous spiritual wealth is offered freely to all, by the gift of the Holy Trinity! Glory to You, friend of God, who composed such a wonderful akathist! Pray for me to the Lord, servant and friend of God, that I may be delivered from the villainy of the invisible enemies who constantly attack me. The all-damned demons, driven out of the hearts of the holy saints of God, by their incessant vigilance, sobriety, prayer, contemplation of God, self-compulsiveness to all good things, removal from all evil, spoiled them outside, appearing in terrible images, sometimes tempted and plunged into the fall, for example, Isaac of Pechersk, but for the most part they left disgraced. According to this, Saints Cyril and Methodius, the first Slavic teachers, said that demons cannot live with true Christians, and therefore they are visible on the outer walls of the house, but with you (he spoke to the Mohammedans) they are inside the houses and in the people themselves. Oh, God forbid I get rid of these evil demons, fiercely tempting me at all times. May 23. Trinity day. The devil crushed me and almost crushed me with his anger and despondency before mass and especially during mass, but the invoked name of the Lord Jesus Christ saved me, unworthy; then again the enemy was strong and oppressed; I especially incensed me against sexton Zrelov, when he served in the removal of particles from the prosphora, and against Father Deacon Sofronov, when during the kneeling evening prayers he stood, apparently without feeling, leaning the palm of his left hand on the tin on which the book lay. At the end of the service, all the temptation passed as if nothing had happened. He nagged me when I should have observed the kindest and most peaceful disposition of my heart. Now, during Compline, he again began to inflame me with anger at the sexton, although he is correct in everything and is trying in every possible way to serve me. I curse my malice and my old man, which I have not yet shed. Grant me, Lord, to be the receptacle and herald of the spirit of Your Holy Church, perfect in all respects - in truth, love, in the revelation of the word, in worship, in the writings of the fathers, in rituals. The Lord Jesus Christ is the source and wine 26 of all beauty and sweetness in creatures, material and spiritual, or intelligible, the source of countless riches of earthly minerals, plants, animals; in His right hand is all the earth, all the waters, all the entrails of the earth, all plants, stones, metals, fish, birds, reptiles, insects, animals, people, all the angelic rulers and the entire kingdom of dark spirits in His hustle. O Source of all blessings, source of goodness and love, Lord! We thank Thee, for through one goodness Thou hast created all things for well-being, contentment, joy, and bliss! Strengthen and teach us to seek above all You and Your heavenly and eternal blessings, so that we may enjoy Your ineffable beauty, Your infinite sweetness, Your incorruptible wealth, Your infinite glory, Your unapproachable light. Wake up! I thank the Lord, who soon heard me, repenting of my malice and contempt towards my nephew Ivan (secret in my heart) and who took away from my soul sorrow and oppression, shame and darkness. I realized and felt in my heart that he was my flesh and blood, even the flesh and blood of the Lord, and I deeply condemned myself for my unrighteousness. I felt the same today and during the all-night vigil regarding sexton Vladimir Ivanovich Zrelov and deacon P.A. Sofronov. Through gluttony, a convenient path is laid in the soul for every sin: intemperance, fornication and malice, and envy, and love of money, blasphemy and murmuring, waywardness, self-will and stubbornness, frivolity, despondency and cowardice, hard-heartedness and severity. So our first ancestors fell through gluttony and plunged their descendants into every sin. Oh, self-love! Self-love! Because of him, I look with pleasure at all human beauty, because I like it, and I turn away with contempt from an ugly face, because it is disgusting to me, disgusting to the lust of my eyes, carnal lust and worldly pride, for we are accustomed to be proud of the beauty of the eyes and face of a person. Oh, corruption! Corruption of the heart! A poor person must be pitied, most of all loved, and sympathized with, because he innocently became an unhappy person and, having a soul similar to us in everything in the image of God, does not have bodily perfection, does not have, for example, an eye, or a correct nose, or lips, or legs, and the like. May 24. Whit Monday. Consecration of the choir chapel. In the morning and during the consecration I felt weakness, sorrow, and tightness; then God gave space and tenderness; then, in front of the Cherubimskaya, I noticed that my new kamilavka was covered in wax: I felt sorry, my heart ached and saddened (and I took care of my kamilavka like an eye), fell away from God and from prayer. Seeing that I felt bad, I began to sincerely repent and condemn myself, that I valued the kamilavka more than my soul, which is plain, poor, blind, naked, ugly from my sins, more than God Himself, the Source of life and all good, and I sincerely desired even a single drop of God’s grace, a trickle of grace to quench my spiritual thirst, to avert my spiritual death - and received God’s mercy, calmed down, perked up, and then stood with emotion, prayed, took communion, and then said a lesson. I thank the Lord. So I, like the rich man of the Gospel, asked for a drop of living water, although he did not receive it, but I received it. A! This is your relish, Satan, I know, but I turn my heart and my thoughts away from it! Get rid of this ridiculous fear! May I always be bold in the Lord, whether I am righteous or sinful, for I am always God’s. May 25. God! I am enriched with everything from You, with every knowledge, every feeling, every word, grace, mercy, the tasting of Your Most Pure Mysteries, Your Most Pure Body and Blood, and the deification that occurs from there, the dignity of the priesthood, the greatest, most holy, most venerable, saving, imparting new creation to both me and the verbal sheep entrusted to me through Baptism, Confirmation and Holy Communion. Why, after all this, do I envy the rich of this world and my rich elder brothers, who have tens of thousands of money? Is life in money and from money, and not in the Lord and from the Lord? Is it not from Him that all sufficiency or poverty comes? Isn’t He our Provider, Who said: “Have a disposition that does not love money, being content with what you have. For He Himself said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you” [Heb. 13:5], just as I have not left you even now for forty-five years, and especially during the twenty-odd years of my priesthood? Let me be satisfied with everything and everyone and not desire more. May 25. I glorify the wondrous miracles of the goodness and omnipotence of God in me during the Divine, heavenly liturgy, for when I received communion of the Holy Mysteries, the invisible enemy strongly strengthened to confuse and wound me with hostility towards the sexton, who sang during communion not what should have been and what I would have wanted; but I thought that in the essence of the matter, what the sexton sings also relates to the edification of the people present and is also a song pleasing to God, and the devil is tempting me, slandering the sexton to me and blaspheming the song itself, that he puts his dreams, his malice into me, and I rejected his slander, realized that these were his blasphemies, left hostility to the sexton - and so what? The Lord performed in me a miracle of transformation, revival, healing and salvation of soul and body; I was completely imbued with the Divine, life-giving fire, I was pacified, strengthened in spirit and body; I said the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal completely; “In the first, remember, Lord,” everything is also quite, but before the devil often confused me in these places. I praise the Lord. In the gymnasium during lessons, I really wanted to sleep because, probably, my body was very tired the day before from drinking Rhine wine and drinking repeatedly from the headman and Father Peter Preobrazhensky. I thank the Lord for the powers of grace given to me during the service of Vespers in the new chapel of the Holy Apostles. Thanks to Ivan Stepanovich Varvatsiy, who supports me in the good endeavors of Christian philanthropy and mercy against our archpriest and archpriests similar to him in cruelty and greed. God instilled in him such a zeal for the truth, which he expressed at dinner and after dinner with the elder Nikitin. And in this he lifted my spirit, that he placed the priesthood high and properly according to the idea, and placed the priest above all secular and military ranks. But I was cowardly before the secular and military ranks; I don’t know why I was timid in serving under them. To ascend to our all-blessed First Principle, God, to behold His bright face, to worship Him, to unite with Him with the purest light - this is what we should think about most often, brothers and co-redeemers, this is what should be the subject of our ardent desires, this is what we should strive for with all our might, day and night and at every hour. O all-blessed Trinity! Cleanse us, the indecent, and grant us, in the very image of our destinies, to behold Your bright face! May 26. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance of inner anger towards Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky for his complete indifference and disrespect for divine services (although not always) and for his complete cruelty towards the poor. Oh, how painful, how burning this anger was! Damned, I added evil to evil instead of overcoming evil with good, or instead of hating sin in man, and not man himself, created in the image of God, in order to pray for the sinner, in order to zealously condemn myself, and not my brother. 27. Yesterday I betrayed the Lord and, as it were, renounced the Lord and His Church twice: at the christening in the sixth wing of the sailor - the godfather of the captain-lieutenant and the godfather of Euphemia (dressmaker), and when reading prayers to the mother in labor at Dr. Efremov’s; and in both places my heart was struck by fearful suspiciousness, false shame and fear from demons, and as a result of this, dumbness and the omission of many words. The next priest can safely take a silver ruble or more from a mug for a cab driver, even if he didn’t drive, but he used it on the poor. “Let us remember [Russian: only] the poor” [Gal.2:10]. Almsgiving is a seed; it will not diminish or diminish the fraternal circle, but will increase, and fraternal incomes will be more blessed. If the brethren don’t give, then someone needs to give. What I have earned in someone else’s parish, then, in fact, does not belong to the brethren - I have every right to allocate at least the surplus to the poor and for the needs of the brethren (cab driver, ink, feathers, the inkwell itself). 27. It was hard for me today during Matins from invisible enemies: yesterday’s victory over me during the christening in the sixth wing and prayer in Dr. Efremov’s Vasilyeva house was echoed today: the enemies boldly and cruelly attacked me and broke me at the litany of the Midnight Office and at the very short litany of Matins; They also fought during the Great Litany. But at the liturgy, after difficult struggles, the Lord consoled me after communion with unspeakable mercy, inexpressible consolation, peace, freedom, boldness. After consuming the Holy Gifts, I became cheerful, healthy, calm and contented like a baby. And I felt great at the gymnasium. I thank the Lord for the inscrutable gifts of His goodness and generosity. “Whoever proclaims the mighty powers of the Lord, will all His praise be heard?” [Ps.105:2]. Glory to His longsuffering. We need to go to godfather Gerasimov and visit his goddaughter Alexandra. May 27, 1876. May 28. Friday. I thank You, Lord our God, for You have given us the keys to existence (conception and birth), the entrances and exits of existence - the birthplace and maternal breasts and the bath of rebirth and the Divine suckle of Your Most Pure Blood, and then of Your Most Pure Body. In everything is Your goodness, wisdom, omnipotence, holiness, Your Fatherly providence. Has the incarnation of the Son of God, life, teaching and miracles among men, and especially the terrible, blasphemous suffering and most blasphemous death on the cross, and then the resurrection from the dead and the ascension into heaven to His Father, ceased to amaze and terrify you with its immense greatness, wisdom, infinite goodness, and power? Oh, sinful indifference! Sinful blindness and insensibility! But our duty is to always thunder about this in your ears, so that you, sleeping in the sleep of sin, awaken and turn to repentance. (The Holy Orthodox Church, through its daily services and through its annual holidays, awakens people to awaken from the sinful sleep of worldly addictions.) Oh, may our God and His wonderful works be glorified forever in us sinners! Just as those who belong to the Holy, Catholic, Apostolic Church have, so to speak, the right to the intercession of the saints before God, so, on the contrary, those who arbitrarily separated from the Church lose this right, like dead members who, through their resistance, intercede for themselves eternal destruction. Outside the Church there is no salvation, no spirit of grace. Oh, evil charm, oh the charm of envy, love of money, voluptuousness, waywardness, laziness, negligence, despondency, fear of demons! A person will be imbued with all sorts of delights and surrounded! Oh, the nets of the all-damned Satan, spread everywhere by Satan to the human race! God! Save the human race from the snares of the ancient murderer! I thank the Lord for the miracle of pardoning me, unworthy, and for the miracles, obvious miracles in me of the holy, pure, life-giving, heavenly and terrible Mysteries, for the miracles of deliverance, purification, peace, freedom, space, joy, light, self-satisfaction, mental and physical health. Friday. May 28. The ethereal enemy stopped me today during the proskomedia and at the beginning of the liturgy by arousing in me a desire for a reward for my service at the gymnasium and indignation and grief at the director of the gymnasium, who had not represented me for a long time (twelve years). But then, when the light of grace illuminated me, I condemned myself for being convinced that the very order of the priesthood is infinitely high and above all earthly rewards and distinctions, that the search and desire for earthly rewards distracts the soul’s gaze from the inner, from the soul and its sinful ugliness, keeps a person in self-delusion, puts him on the wrong path, turns the eyes of the heart downwards, to the earth, and not to heaven - while precisely the priest should be alien addiction to earthly things and to seek heavenly, spiritual, eternal things. It was very difficult for me in such a state of mind; it was the death of the soul, and I condemned myself for recklessness and enthusiasm, became convinced that God was my reward, my glory, if I deserved it, and calmed down. Warmth, love for God, tears of tenderness, peace, and freedom appeared. Away with everything that resonates in me with pride, for all this is not able to give me peace, life, contentment, but brings confusion, death of the spirit, dissatisfaction with myself; may the will of God be done in me, good, wise, perfect, life-giving. Ambiguity and lies at the beginning ([...]) of our life, our actions: we work for God and wealth, the flesh and the world - we, even the priests, who must first seek the Kingdom of God and its righteousness. The holy saints of God were so perfected in life, in holiness by the grace of God, that they were one spirit with the Lord; what they wanted, God Himself wanted, their mind was the mind of Christ, their deeds were the deeds of God. Therefore, we must deeply honor them as friends of God, as organs of God, as animated churches of God. God always listens to their prayers. On May 30, Sunday, towards the end of mass it began to rain heavily, and after mass thunder struck, lightning flashed and it began to rain even harder, so that during the laying of the foundation stone of the Church of the Vladimir Mother of God at the prayer service, the military clergy, led by the chief priest of the army and navy, were all wet and their best vestments were ruined. The snack was rich in a large tent, deliberately arranged. I thank the Lord for the gift of serving the late liturgy in the Assumption Church. May 31st. Examination on the Law of God in the gymnasium. The students responded very well. General troparion for the monks. Satisfy (church-glav.) – to satisfy. Rambov is the popular name for the city of Oranienbaum, now the city of Lomonosov. Belial (Heb.) – lit.: insignificant, worthless. In the Bible, this word is applied to all depraved, wicked and evil people, but especially to Satan, as the main culprit of all wickedness and evil. Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos, Ikos 11. Dream, daydream (Church Glav.) – an empty, false idea; deception, seduction. Tune (Church Glav.) - here: in vain, without reason. The exclamation of the priest at the Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts. Not to feel guilty about sins (Church glory) - to invent an excuse for sins. Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian. I present (church glory) – revival, renewed life. Rebirth (church glory) - rebirth, renewed life. Contempt (church glory) – pride, arrogance, disrespect. Troparion of the 9th song of the canon for Holy Communion. Exclamation of the Eucharistic canon. Creation (church glory) – re-creation, renewal. Rejoice, Head of mental creation [Russian: Rejoice, Originator of spiritual rebirth] (Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos, ikos 10). Tolikiy (church glory) – so great. 18a “Love for God and true love for others are inseparable and require each other. And whoever has hatred in his heart for his neighbor is alien to the love of God” (see St. Maxim the Confessor. On love. 1st centenary, §§ 15, 28, 33, 55). Stuzhati (Church Glav.) – bother, crowd, disturb. Justification (Church-Glav.) – in the meaning: law, establishment. Whole (church-glorified) - meaning simple, pure, immaculate. Tochiyu (Church Glav.) – only. Human ignorance (Church Slavic) - moral shortcomings and mistakes of people resulting from ignorance and lack of enlightenment. 24 Wordless (Church Glorious) – unspiritual, senseless, insane; unreasonable 25 Tune - meaning: for free. 26 Hedgehog (Church Glorious) - so that. 27 Whole (Church Glorious) - here in the meaning of “healthy”. Irmos 4th. Irmos of the 4th song of the canon, tone 8. Irmos of the 3rd hymn of the canon for Matins on Maundy Thursday, tone 6. Wine (Church Slavic) – cause, source.