Июль 1877 г.

July 1st. What does a sinful, unclean person need for every day and hour? Grace, purification and sanctification. Where is this grace especially given and received? - In the church. When? – During worship and the performance of various Sacraments. What about at home? – It is also communicated at home during fervent prayer or during the performance of prayers, Sacraments and rituals, and can be given in any place and at any time, but nowhere is it poured out so abundantly and effectively as in the church. Therefore, the church is very, very dear to a Christian as a source of living water, as the house of God, as a place of mercy, purification, sacredness, and heavenly life. In the contemplation of the Lord and His perfections, in the worthy glorification (that is, with a pure heart) of these perfections lies the bliss of rational creatures, incorporeal and corporeal; if seeing with a rational, enlightened eye the beautiful and wonderful works of God on earth is the joy and admiration of the soul, then what a joy and admiration it is to see the wonderful works of God in heaven, in the Kingdom of the blessed purest spirits and holy souls! What is the joy and delight of seeing God Himself face to face? It is truly irrevocable, inexpressible. So, let us unceasingly glorify the Lord and His works here, so that we can praise Him there, in heaven, in the eternal Kingdom of glory. “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor entered into the heart of man the things that God has prepared for those who love Him” [1 Cor. 2:9]. The verbal soul, created for the glorification of its Creator, in which life and its bliss consist, cannot remain idle without being subject to moral distortion and without suffering damage to its bliss. For it was created active and for unceasing activity, for deeds of love, for unceasing contemplation, praise and thanksgiving; moreover, in a present sinful, corrupt state, she inevitably falls into evil, unclean, evil, and deadly thoughts, words and deeds, if she turns her eyes away from contemplating the Creator and His wonderful perfections, from fulfilling His commandments. Therefore, contemplating and glorifying the Lord, fulfilling His commandments is the greatest benefit, temporary and eternal, for man himself; living without praise and thanksgiving or not caring about fulfilling God’s commandments is characteristic only of dumb animals, lacking reason and rational speech. July 3rd. Saturday. My heart is greatly corrupted, my love and respect for my neighbors is greatly shaken, no matter who they are - a king, a queen, a bishop, a priest, and no matter what rank, condition, age and gender people may be; The devil soon, soon steals from the heart sincere, deep respect for a person’s personality and replaces it with an unworthy idea, a vile dream about a person or contempt, pride, malice, envy, ill will and malice, fornication, selfish views of him, coldness towards him, neglect of the salvation of his soul, although this is my direct duty. Woe to me, the accursed one, that I am not in myself, but in others I am looking for reasons for disrespect, coldness and hostility towards them, although I myself am guilty of everything. Have mercy on me, Lord, cleanse me, sanctify and establish Your indecent servant. Wake up! I need fasting for this purpose: rejection of sweets, wine drinks, beer, sweet tea. But I am greedy, I do not fast, and thereby I intensify my passions every day, and especially the passion of voluptuousness, internal fornication, not external. During the reading of akathists and canons, the Lord gave abundant tears of tenderness. I thank the Lord. July 3. Resurrection. “You are not troubled by any fear” [1 Peter 3:6]. Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ does not allow a single illusory or demonic fear to reach the soul: it trusts in Jesus Christ in everything and sees itself under His protection; only the unbeliever is afraid of everything. “And you’re scared, which means you have little faith.” July 3, 1877 I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the poison of the serpent before early mass for my grief at three young men who asked me for money to move to Rambov. I gave them with displeasure, reluctantly forty kopecks and sinned gravely through stinginess, greed, malice, impatience, ruining the commandment of God. It was hard for me. But the Lord bowed to mercy. I praise His patience and mercy. He served mass in a clear voice, loudly. I was offended by Britnev because [he] was in a hurry to read and sing: he almost lost his peace and fell into confusion. At the funeral service, I read the prayer of permission loudly, clearly, bravely. Glory to grace. But at the cry “For You are the resurrection”... I was struck by the fear of the devil. Beautiful hot day, fragrance in the air. God bless! The vegetation is magnificent. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to see pleasant summer, greenery, flowers, and smell the aromas of plants. Father John Tsvetkov says that from the excess fraternal income that I receive from people who do not live in our parish, I do not have the right to separate some parts for the poor, because this is fraternal income. Not true: aren’t the poor our brethren? Aren't we commanded to take care of them? And isn’t it a matter of my zeal to go with requests wherever I am called, and often outside the parish? I would have every right to refuse, but I am going in order not to upset those who demand me and in order to provide income to the brethren. Yes, from such income, to which the brethren themselves do not have the right of ownership, since they were not obtained in the parish area and which I myself obtained with my own labor and diligence, I have the right to give a share to the poor, may the Lord add more to us for our giving, for it is said: “give, and it will be given to you... for with the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you” [Luke 6:38]. And if we also remember the constant stinginess and hard-heartedness towards the poor of the rich brethren of the cathedral, I mean the clergy, their accumulated treasures, exceeding [even] any need, and the fact that what was received from the Lord is not given to the poor due to ingratitude to God and greed for money, then what a fool would deliberately fill their pockets, taking away what belongs to the poor! No, I don’t want to participate in their greed, but I want to show at least a small share of compassion to the poor and give them alms as from my own (and most of all), and sometimes some share from my brother’s money, earned by my diligence, and not out of duty, by labor. For the orphans of Father Grigory Tsvetkov, who are being brought up with me, 32 kopecks are paid daily: 8 kopecks per bottle for milk, 15 kopecks for crackers and buns; 45 kopecks for meat (three pounds per day) and five eggs for 10 kopecks, not counting cow butter, black bread, gifts, etc. Do not feel sorry for anything, for God will reward everything in abundance. But I regret that my wife, their aunt, and their mother do not remember this, they put all the expenses on the children at nothing and are ready to take the last piece from my nephew, whom they hate. In the western part of Kronstadt, on November 30, 1876, 73 rubles were collected; on Gospodskaya Street, Father Alexander Taratin collected 62 rubles 75 kopecks (he gave it to himself, and gave 40 rubles not shown to the beggars); Father Pyotr Klepachevsky in the northern part collected 44 rubles without out-of-town places; Father Pavel Trachevsky Archpriest only 22 rubles on the mountain. Very little, because he collects it lazily, carelessly, apathetically. In the second grade, my books, [...] rewrite the names of the students who took them. In fourth grade, a book about Mikhailovsky's divine service. On Peter's Day 1877, Father Pavel collected only 48 rubles in the main part of the parish along Gospodskaya, Sobornaya streets and alleys, by me in the western part 55 rubles [...], by Father Pyotr Klepachevsky in the northern part 42 rubles, by Father Alexander Taratin 33 rubles on the mountain. July 6, 1877. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform the morning service with boldness, loudly, in a clear voice, and who trampled upon me all the machinations of the invisible enemy. When I was reading the canon, the enemy stung with a thought about the woman standing next to me. Oh, unclean, prodigal, corrupt heart! July 7. How long will I be in the delusion of gluttony and satiety? Yesterday evening, Wednesday, I broke my fast - I ate yogurt after sleep (rest), yesterday it seemed easy, but today milk lay extremely heavy on my heart, there was extreme fornication in my limbs, that is, an urge, a disposition towards it. Oh, how I need fasting, and I don’t keep fasting. (Dream. Peaceful Englishmen who landed on the muddy shore north of St. Petersburg. Strong lightning in a clear sky. A baby’s head lying around. My tears, God in human form, as the Judge of people. Repentance. - God forbid there is milk at night.) But how wise and saving all the instructions of the Church are and lead a person to spiritual salvation and bodily well-being, in general to perfect benefit! It’s time to love them as your soul and live by them, without deviating from them in the least! Lord help me! I thank the Lord for yesterday, the day of His mercy and generosity for me and for other people, the day of His omnipotent help to me, unworthy, the day of His numerous deliverances, which saved me from the villainy of invisible enemies, especially during mass, when the enemy captivated my soul with anger at the sexton for distorting the words when singing: let us put aside care. They served a conciliar prayer service of thanks for the victory. Glory to God for the success of grace both in me and in the army! I performed the prayer service almost without stumbling. The accursed one stole two or three words from the prayer of thanksgiving. Glory to the good yoke and the light burden of the Lord’s grace! My heart was very heavy from yesterday’s indulgence (milk, sweet tea); I prayed at morning prayer with tears - and it became easier, easier! O most desired, holy grace, the life of our souls and bodies, the repose of our souls and bodies! Glory to you! It is a good yoke and a light burden to work for the Lord, to sing and praise Him unceasingly. I know that the saints pleased Him and united with Him by fasting and exhaustion of the flesh; I read and sing about it, but I keep up with gluttony and satiety, wretched one, and I add burden upon burden to myself, foolish one. But grant me, Lord, at least in the end to come to my senses and please You through my fasting life. (Oh, how hard it is for me to have yogurt on a fast day!) Afanasy Gavril, peasant, one ruble a month for guardianship from July. Gilfeldt five rubles a year (young). November 1st. The sexton Vladimir Zreloye came to vespers drunk and mercilessly tore at the ears with a goat's voice, and under the cover of the hired sexton Nikitin, who replaced him in the reading. When exposed, he did not repent of his guilt, but locked himself away. Tell his wife, write to his father. I cannot serve with a drunken sexton. Afanasy Grigorievich Yuryev, merchant, member of the guardianship, from May 7, one ruble per month. Terentyev merchant fifty kopecks a month from May 1877 Vladimir Pavlovich Sinebryukhov. Afanasy Gavril, one ruble a month since July last year. Show the origin of the church, worship, clothing, and order of worship from God: “everything must be decent and orderly” [1 Cor. 14:40]. Today, June 4th, the fellows [...] will come to me with a program. I need to go to Gabriel Ermolaevich with the holy cap. Lord help me! Marvelous one, work miracles in me, a sinner. Go to Mikhail Turkin for a trusteeship contribution.