Февраль 1877 г.

February 2. Morning. Glory to You, Lord, Guardian of incorruption, who preserved me in incorruption at night and delivered me from the corruption that was about to happen by the power of Your Cross. After early mass together with matins in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who did not reject me, a great sinner, but who accepted this day in serving Him, the Master, and who gave me the grace of tenderness, peace, boldness, freedom, a clear voice in service and the (almost) stumbling-free reading of the Gospel during Matins and the peaceful service of the Liturgy. When singing the stichera on the stichera there was a temptation from my impatience and from the sexton Nikitin’s forgetting of the seventh tone. I was upset with him for this and was embarrassed, although this time I myself forgot how the seventh tone is sung. Having sincerely condemned myself that I hated his tune, and that I myself was to blame for the same, and we were both equally weak, I was honored with pardon from the Lord. Dismissal did not say completely, leaving out some saints, “Christ, the true Light” - not all... At the great entrance, he did not say all the words and names, due to some kind of heartfelt fear and powerlessness, which is from the devil; “First remember, Lord... and Finnish”... did not speak out loud, but secretly, only the end spoke, again due to powerlessness from the devil, and powerlessness from gluttony and indigestion... After communion of the Holy Mysteries, I felt a new, heavenly, divine life that penetrated my entire being, and I rejoiced and triumphed and thanked the Lord, the Author of our life; I read the prayer behind the pulpit magnificently, solemnly, by God’s grace. Glory to the Lord! And I repent of my sins and stumblings. Sin in its countless forms is too quick to manifest itself every minute with harmful consequences of all kinds, while we are extremely inattentive to ourselves, to our thoughts, desires, words, actions, in which it manifests its deadly actions; we are sleeping, and he is awake; we are extremely lazy and careless in doing good deeds, in correction, repentance, prayer, but he is extremely active in arousing all sorts of passions in us: pride, malice, envy, hypocrisy, servility, fornication, gluttony, love of money. – Remember that sin very quickly hastens to destroy us; Let us hasten to save ourselves and others. Work, “until it is day: night will come, when no one can work” [John 9:4]. Ten o'clock in the evening. Again I cruelly sinned before God and against my neighbors: I very cruelly offended a beggar for persistently asking for a large alms (seventy kopecks or a ruble), as a lion tore him by the hair and threw him twice to the ground; but he was really in need; he, having hired himself into [government] work, had nothing to eat. Where is the love for one's neighbor? Where is repeated repentance? Where is the faith and trust in the Lord and in His unfaithful word, the truth of which I myself have experienced a thousand times? Well, what if someone had torn my hair out so cruelly? How would that feel for me? But the Scripture says: do not do to others what you do not want for yourself [Matthew 7:12]. If God is our Father, then why do I not hitherto honor Him with filial love and love those whom He loved? If He is the Lord, then why don’t I do what He says in Scripture and in my conscience, in the Church and in the writings of the Holy Fathers? And any violation of love occurs, as I notice, from pride, lust and love of money, from the fact that I am not yet outside the world, like the saints, I am still partial to the world, its goods and pleasures, from the fact that I please the belly, I am satiated, I drink wine, I chase after money, the parents of all carnal pleasures. What kind of priest am I? I am a thief and a robber, I am a carnivore, I am an adulterer at heart! I am envious, proud, a lover of money, angry, disobedient, wayward. How, after this, will I make a daily Bloodless Sacrifice for the whole world, for everyone and for everything! Where can I find such a height of spirit, such richness of spirit, such height, breadth and depth of love for all people and for everyone, especially from those whom I especially remember at public prayer? Where can I get such purity of heart? How will I correspond to such a sublime, heavenly service of the Holy, Catholic, Apostolic Church? God! Having taken upon Himself the abyss of the sins of the whole world and all their burden! “Take away from me the heavy burden of sin” 63 and give me correction of my heart, will, life and forgiveness of voluntary and involuntary sins! Behold, I confess my sins before You. May I never forget that the essence of Christianity is mutual love and mercy, meekness and humility, purity and chastity, may I not forget that we are all in the image and likeness of God and that we must honor this image and likeness of God in ourselves and in others; Let us remember how the Lord loved His image and what He did to restore it. Let us marvel at His wonderful, wise, and gracious economy. How much has been done and is still being done by the Lord God for our salvation, how much is promised to those who believe in Him and fulfill His commands! - and we, due to lack of faith and addiction to earthly things, are negligent about the fulfillment of His commandments and commandments. We are afraid to give generous alms, fearing scarcity, we are angry when many demand a lot from us and often, as if the Lord is not able to repay a hundredfold to those who give willingly and in simplicity! How many absurdities there are in sins! Indeed, one merciless need forces the beggars to turn to me and ask for alms, and not parasitism and the habit of living at someone else’s expense, because they willingly go to work as soon as the opportunity to work presents itself, and then they no longer come to me for alms. So, we must feel sorry for them, and not be angry with them, not torment them, give them alms willingly, and not run from them. Moreover, I need to think about how not to lose (and have I already lost?) all the fruit from the alms I previously gave for the cruelty and inhumanity with which I sometimes pull them by the hair. Meanwhile, to the honor of the beggars, it must be said that they are all meek, like gentle, patient lambs, they will not cry out, they will not be embittered at me for my cruelty to them, but complacently endure innocent punishment. One of them said with meekness: why did you beat me, because need forces me to come to you, take your money back - and it’s good that you didn’t give it away, otherwise the Lord would have been completely angry with me. And the other beggar said: It was right that you tore my hair, because it was worth it. What meekness! Is drinking vodka the cause of my cruelty? Today I drank vodka at dinner, it hardened my heart, just as it hardens the hearts of all drunkards and they, too, go on a rampage in their house with their family. I was not ashamed or afraid of the omnipresent Spirit of the Comforter, doing cruelty to the poor in whom He dwells, for in whom, if not in these poor, meek and gentle lambs, long-suffering, does the Holy Spirit dwell? Not in us, angry, money-loving, evil, greedy, envious, satiated and drunken gluttons? I did not fear the Lord Jesus Christ, of whom they are members and brethren, like Him, having nowhere to lay their heads and having nothing, but like birds living by trust in God; I did not fear God the Heavenly Father, whose beloved children they are in the Lord Jesus Christ. I accuse myself with all my heart, with all my thought, with all my will, with all my mind, and I ask the Lord for mercy and forgiveness of my sins, and may this cruelty of mine towards the poor never be repeated in the future. Grant me the spirit of love, kindness, patience, non-covetousness, O most merciful, all-generous Lord, who did not spare Himself our own for the sake of salvation, but gave Himself free sacrifice for us! Do you give alms for nothing? But through it you gain spiritual salvation, and your whole house, for “alms delivers from death and... cleanses all sin,” according to the word of Scripture, and “those who do alms and righteousness will be filled with life” [Tov.12:9], as this can be seen in you, for unworthy to live sins for your sake, you are alive even until now, and how many times has the Lord saved you from obvious death on land and at sea? And were you ever in poverty? - Never; You don’t have supplies, but you have everything you need. I thank the Lord, who gave me repentance and tears of tenderness, hot tears of repentance for my sins. February 4. I sinned before God and before the Father Superior in that yesterday, during a walk, I saw a basket of food being carried to him, I remembered his complete hardness of heart and unmercifulness towards the poor, his aversion from them and failure to give alms, his huge money hoards, and I was bitterly indignant at him. At the same time, I remembered the unfair division of income that the archpriest is given by virtue of the decree of the consistory, procured by the late Archpriest Vasily [...], the lion's share with extremely little of his work on demand. That is why he accumulated huge sums, never giving to the poor. Where is the evangelical community of estates (“all things are common to them” [Acts 4:32])? Where is the basis for such a division? I thought that the archpriest uses his large income for greater charity, but he tramples on it, and even laughs at those who give alms! But You, the righteous Judge, Lord, know everything and reward everyone according to their deeds. Forgive me for thinking of Father Superior as a predator, unrighteous, unmerciful and proud, for I myself am like that. Have mercy on us, Lord the Benefactor, and transform our hearts, making them good, merciful and generous. Yesterday I annoyed one beggar and refused alms, although he really asked. I have sinned before the Lord. Mortification of the flesh and carnal passions is the life of a person, the life of his soul, and carnal passions are the death of the soul. Therefore, those who are truly Christ's are those who have “crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts” [Gal.5:24]. Blessed are those who, for the sake of Christ's love, exhausted their bodies. February 5th. Saturday of Cheese Week. Today I served a prayer service in the shelter or, in fact, in the council room, where Mr. Police Chief placed a new icon of Saints Cyril and Methodius, which had to be consecrated. At the prayer service there were: the landowner Golovachev, Prokhor Florovich Chekalin, the merchants Kudryavtsev and Nikitin, the police secretary Levchenko, the fire major 64, the quarter guard and the Kronstadt landing officers. After drinking wine and beer yesterday, I felt sick in my soul and body, not warmed and not revived by grace, dead from sins, and therefore I prayed to the Lord to grant me purification, sanctification, peace, freedom, boldness, revival, help; asked for this at home, went into the cathedral to fall before the holy throne. Arriving at the building of the former guardhouse in the prayer room, I prayed to the Lord three times about the same thing - and the Lord had mercy, dispelled the embarrassment and fears of the enemy, removed the sting of the enemy from my soul, girded me with peace, strength, boldness, and I performed the prayer service loudly, with all my soul; Only at first the enemy stumbled a little when I said the litany “Have mercy on me, O God,” and while reading the Gospel, which I did not read all of, but then, having secretly asked the Lord for forgiveness and strength, I rose up as a conqueror of the enemies and spoke with much boldness and strength. I thank the Lord, who made the impossible possible for me. February 6. Forgiveness resurrection. By God's grace I served Matins and early mass. There were many temptations: from the very beginning of Matins until the end and during mass until communion, the thought that out of the three rubles I had earned in the shelter at night, I took a ruble for a cab driver and for remuneration for the hired sexton Nikitin, was an evil nightmare; because of her, I lost my temper in [the devil’s] action when reading the Gospel, when saying absolution (I only said the last words); at the great entrance during the liturgy and even earlier at the first hour, when reading the prayer “Christ, the True Light,” when pronouncing the exclamation “Remember first, Lord,” saying only the last words. But the wondrous Lord appeared in me after communion of the Holy Mysteries: I rose from the dead, after the death of the devil I was revived, after fear I received boldness, after weakness - strength, after confusion - peace, after cramped space - space. Glory to the Lord! Looking at the beauty of a woman, raise your thought and heart to the beauty of the uncreated, incorruptible, eternal, holy - to God, marvel at Him, desire Him, love Him with all your heart, but do not stare at the decaying beauty, do not lust after corruptible and corrupting flesh; remember that in this beautiful but perishable vessel lives an immortal soul in the image and likeness of God, which should be holy, just like yours. In general, from the beauty of creatures, let us ascend to the idea of ​​the indescribable beauty of the Creator, abiding forever; from corruptible sweets, let us ascend to the incorruptible, eternal sweetness of the creature; let us love only for the sake of the Creator and in the Creator with pure, purposeful, incorruptible, holy love. February 7. Clean Monday (first week of fasting). I sinned before the Lord in that I fell away from love and fell into hostility towards my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova for her quarrelsomeness and hostility towards me and to my good friends, for her pride, vanity, vanity, which stand out so sharply in almost every word of hers that because of empty things she tries to lower the dignity of great people (like Burachka and her family). I added my own wound to my sister’s wound, hating her for her pride and contempt, and I myself was deeply wounded, wounded my soul, embarrassed, oppressed, and put to shame. But when I, in humility and repentance, condemned myself and plunged all of myself with my weaknesses and sins into the abyss of God’s mercy, into the abyss of His salvations and healings, into the abyss of His omnipresence, then I soon received forgiveness, healing, peace, freedom, boldness, and brightness of face. Just before entering Burachok’s apartment, grief and cramped conditions left me, I felt peace and freedom. Glory to the Lord! I fell a second time, having despised the second request of the beggars for clothes and boots; again he repented, condemned himself, and again received mercy. Glory to the Lord! February 5th. Tuesday of the first week of Lent. Most merciful Lord! Today you have again been my Savior many times through my prayer of repentance. In divine services and the Sacraments there is a restoration of the fallen image of God, elevation to the likeness lost by sins, cleansing, sanctification, enlightenment, renewal, affirmation, deification, as well as the spiritual education of humanity and its elevation to the heavenly fatherland. This is what every Christian must constantly remember and deeply cherish and use for their salvation. 10. Do you want to receive permission from the Lord for sins through me, His unworthy servant? Confess your sins, condemn yourself sincerely, feel more strongly what the greatest insult they caused to God the Creator and Savior, believe in the merits of the Savior, hope in His mercy, decide not to sin - and receive permission. The character of our archpriest is simplicity and kindness, as today’s dream showed me: in the eyes of a large crowd, he came in only a cassock for some reason at the request of a parishioner, went down the mountain, found and took what he needed, looked at the public naively and with half-attention, and went back. This is a child of his kind, at the same time wise as a serpent and whole as a dove. But I am irritable, crafty, unclean in heart. Simplicity and naivety in the archpriest always leads to inattention to the salvation of himself and his entire flock; extreme desire for enrichment, stinginess and love of money with extraordinary cruelty towards the poor; indiscriminate condemnation of all the poor: all you hear from him is that everyone is a parasite, and he alone has a luxurious table for a reason. But, God, deliver me from envy at these words. In this world there is a reign of sin; the devil reigns in our hearts, willy-nilly on our part, reigns in our thoughts, feelings, passions, words, actions; Every day we work for the enemy. Sin seduces everyone: faces, things, views and ghosts. And today You were, Lord, my Savior, obedient and quick to obey, kind and helpful, especially in the building of guardianship in the evening; when the unclean spirit doused me with its abominations, You delivered me from them and laid me to rest in Your sanctuary. Glory to the Lord! 10. Thursday. Twice the Lord most clearly saved me from great distress and sorrow, when I raised my heart’s eyes to Him in repentance. Once at home in the morning, the other at the gymnasium, when I felt displeasure and hostility towards my comrade teacher Al. Udaltsov for his inhospitability, and then, feeling the sorrow and tightness in my heart and the violence of the hostility [captivating] me, I raised my eyes in repentance to the Lord and prayed to Him to give me the grace of love, meekness, humility, kindness, patience, and to forgive my brother. I soon felt at ease after the burden of sin that had fallen from my soul. No matter how smart, educated, rich, or famous someone is, he will not find another source of life other than Christ and His Church. I have not learned simple things through my heartfelt conviction and activity, that one must despise the flesh and carnal things and be diligent about the soul, about meekness, humility, compliance, gentleness, patience, abstinence, purity - therefore I am damned. Cowardice and fear of a priest, especially when performing divine services, is a grave sin, no matter what it comes from, even from the consciousness of sins, for even in sins a Christian, and especially a priest, should not be discouraged and cowardly or afraid, but trust in God’s mercy and be trustworthy, for God’s mercy is infinitely great and covers our great weaknesses and sins, if we sincerely repent of them. There is one God without sin. The devil, who tempts us with various sins and ghosts, also uses that trick to bring the sinner into cowardice and despair. It is obvious that you do not need to succumb to his dreams and insurances, but to trust and be courageous in the hope of God’s mercy, which cannot be overcome by any human sins. Glory to our God forever and ever. Amen. To the Confessors. Remember that you were created in the image and likeness of God and must live holy, shun all sin, fulfill God’s commandments, love God with all your heart and all your soul, and your neighbor, as also created in the image of God, as yourself. Remember that you and your neighbors, the people with whom you live, are your brothers and the brothers of Christ, your members and the members of Christ; remember the future Last Judgment, future torment and future eternal bliss. If you want to receive permission from God for sins, then crush yourself with sincere repentance, judge yourself mercilessly for your sins, hate them with all your soul, detest them and ask humbly, fervently for forgiveness from the Lord, desire with all your heart to be renewed, begin a new life in Christ, live for God, and not for the world and for your own whims, love every virtue with your heart. I thank You, Lord, for yesterday night You were my Savior from my free madness, from evil habits - from malice, pride, contempt, partiality, for my repentance, for I despised the hedgehog in Your image, an innocent, meek, obedient man only because he is not good-looking and crooked. February 11. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentant prayer for deliverance from anger, who took away sorrow, oppression, spiritual weakness and shame and bestowed peace, space, strength and boldness. The enemy constantly slanders the brethren, and especially the abbot, presenting them to us as crafty, unkind, hypocrites, evil, money-loving, hard-hearted, self-loving, arousing anger and insolence against them; we must pray with love for each other, for without God we cannot do anything [John 15:5], we cannot overcome a single sin, weakness, overcome a single passion, or a single sinful habit. Love conquers everything. So the abbot, Father Pavel, against whom I was excited and hostile, just said a peaceful, kind word to me, and all the evil in me melted, ran away, I was touched in my heart and blessed him in my soul. This is the property of love, its power! With an inner voice, from the depths of our souls, let us cry: Lord, have mercy, especially now, during the days of fasting. On Friday we confess our sins and accept forgiveness, for on Friday the Lord suffered and died for us and shed His blood for us to cleanse our sins. Looking at the beauty of the human face, look with your intelligent eyes at the holy beauty of the incorruptible image of God - the human soul and at the incorruptible, holy, eternal, indescribable beauty of God, and do not for a moment be seduced by corruptible, transient, fading beauty, which turns into ugliness, into stench, corruption, worms, dust. Do not go mad in lust, pacify, curb, oppress the flesh, this den of absurd passions, this receptacle of all passions, all dirty tricks, abominations, everything ungodly. Kill, kill her mercilessly, do not console her with delicacies, drinks, lovely images, elegant clothes, soft beds, pillows, long sleep, reading books depicting the delights of this world; fast, pray, stay awake, kneel, sleep on the bare ground, endure reproaches, humiliation, contempt, all kinds of bitterness. February 12. Saturday of the first week of Lent. There were 216 people at confession yesterday. He returned healthy and unharmed by God’s hastening mercy. Sometimes the prayer of permission was not fully pronounced due to haste. The crowd of people was terrible, especially at five, six and seven o'clock in the evening. He started confession at three o'clock and came home at ten o'clock at the end. The first time I allowed for caviar with black bread, I drank two glasses of almond milk and a glass of tea, I ate soup with pearl barley. From caviar there is a strong lustful passion at night. Shouldn't we limit ourselves to just bread with almond milk and soup? Excess physical strength is not needed. When there was a crowd of people and a strong circle surrounded my little reliquary, in which the money was placed for me, the idea was born to me so that malicious people would not steal the money; She bothered me, a sinner, and I moved her to the other, free side. But this fear was in vain, because theft is impossible: everyone is watching, and the money is under the candles, how can you put your hand in there? And the box is low. And who would be dishonest enough? And finally, there’s no point in thinking about it: confession is such a great thing, here is Christ God Himself, saving people, pouring out such an abyss of generosity on them in the forgiveness of sins and the renewal of the souls of sinners, in their restoration. On the day on which the Lord created us, on that day he recreated us with the cross. He created on Friday, on Friday and died for us on the cross. Glory to Your bounty, Lord! I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to celebrate the Liturgy, although with spiritual powerlessness and demonic fear in me, which stemmed from a long period of not serving the Liturgy and non-participation in church prayers (I was not the only one in the first week). I gave communion to four hundred people or more. During the communion of the people, I noticed an important ailment in myself: jealousy that many noble and wealthy people were not with me for confession (although I had the most of them). And this is because of money: it means that I have a rather strong illness of love of money: and for this reason I often hated Father Matthew, the former clergyman, and the abbot himself, who had accumulated a lot of money, that is why I myself am now ill, and even before I was ill and envied those who had collected wealth. But give me, Lord, the grace to love not money, but human souls in Your image and likeness, redeemed by Your blood, and not to look at their faces, to love and respect everyone equally - the poor and the rich, the ignorant and the noble, the ugly and the beautiful, the old and the young, the sick and the healthy, the noble and the ignorant, not to be afraid of the first and not to despise the second, not to scold them, for their voice To the Lord: “Have mercy on us, O Lord, have mercy on us, for we are filled with much humiliation: especially our souls are filled with the reproach of the gobblers 65 and the humiliation of the proud” [Ps. 122:3]. From all your bad qualities, sins, passions, sinful inclinations and habits, which you yourself have described many times, make up an image of yourself and see how vile, disgusting, disgusting it is, and stop admiring your appearance, which is so deceptive and misleading. Be diligent “O souls, things more immortal.” Yesterday, after the communicants, there were many Holy Gifts left, which I had to use as a burden to myself (later) in the flesh, and not in the spirit, for the soul was uplifted, revived, strengthened, sanctified, but the flesh suffered from excess, namely: my head ached very much, as if from intoxication, it ached strongly until the evening, almost vomiting occurred, and at night it hurt; walked for a long time because of my head. Carnal love kills spiritual, Christian, heavenly love. Therefore, woe to all who satisfy carnal love, who have become accustomed to voluptuousness and who have learned to measure a person by his face, and who despise the soul, which is equally in the image and likeness of everyone, as non-existent. For such people, a person is a beautiful doll, a toy, an object of gross pleasure. Let us cry, brethren, all for our impurities, while there is time, and let us cleanse our vile hearts with fasting, tears, prayers, vigils, and genuflections. The enemy does not sleep and constantly sows his weeds in our souls, or has already sowed them for a long time and only cares about increasing, strengthening, spreading them, so that they clog the entire field of the soul and leave no room for good seed and good fruits. Carnivores cannot love God, the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy Angels and the holy saints of God, for “what fellowship has light with darkness... righteousness with lawlessness?” [ 2 Corinthians 6:14 ]. Until they cleanse their hearts with deep repentance, until then they are dead to God and to heaven. Here I am, damned one, the first of these. Raise me, O Lord, as Thou didst raise Lazarus, a dead man four days old and stinking. God! Give me the grace to deeply respect those in power, despite the abuses that occur among them, for everything human is imperfect, and I myself am deeply, deeply sinful and imperfect. Let me remember the great good that comes from the present authority for all subjects and for me individually. Oh, how infinitely significant is the existing order of civil order! What benefits do all classes enjoy from it! It protects the rights of property, honor, labor, merit, and promotes general education, trade, and industry. Without a government, a state is like a body without a soul or without a head, like a ship without a rudder, like a steamship without a car. Look at the energy and activity everywhere in all government places and areas! How much intelligence, labor, and strength are put into it by bureaucratic or learned people. It is not easy to manage such a huge machine as a state consisting of so many peoples, nations, and tribes. We must constantly thank the Lord, who governs us through civil and other authorities for our good and well-being. February 13. I thank the Lord, who healed my severe headache that occurred at night from a clogged stomach. By strong movement in the fresh air I corrected myself by God's grace. February 13. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, wondrous in His mercy and generosity, who delivered me from my sorrows and anxieties before and during the liturgy and who gave me the grace to perform the liturgy with tenderness and tears and to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries and say a word to the people. I sinned before the Lord by hating my nephew’s tuna during dinner and despising him for hasty eating and overeating, when I myself, the accursed one, do the same; I hate my nature, my flesh and blood, obscene, tune - who will I love? Oh Lord! Deliver us from hostility and grant us to love with Your love. God! Deliver me from the sedition of the serpent. Loving my neighbor, I love myself, I love God, in whose image he was created, I love Christ God, of whom he is a member. I must love the poor and deprived of a member even more as an unfortunate person, as someone neglected by many, and often by myself, and especially since he is meek, kind, obedient, patient, hardworking and in general has all the features of the image of God and ascending to the likeness of God. I should learn from him. I thank you, Lord, for through my prayer you delivered me from the power and torment of the spirit of evil. Oh, how hasty, clingy, persistent and painful is anger! You won’t be able to get rid of it soon when it creeps into your heart, especially after sleeping during the day. At all times we must pray in spirit, so that we do not fall into misfortune. “Watch and pray,” says the heroic Lord Jesus, “so that you do not fall into misfortune” [Matthew 26:41]. “Be sober and watch, because your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour” [1 Peter 5:8]. I angered my Lord by gloating and slyly pointing out to my sister-in-law Anna K. an unchaste article in the newspaper “Son of the Fatherland,” which says that the Turkish Sultan was spoiled by his harem and the Circassian women serving him in the bathhouse. She rightly told me indignantly that there was nothing interesting here, as I slyly put it at the beginning. I should have not pointed out this article and only heartily regretted the awkwardness of Turkish life and the deceit and destruction of their Mohammedan faith and prayed that the Lord would convert them to His faith. Make this, O Lord, with Your destinies, for they too are Your creation. We must ardently regret the world, lying in evil and perishing in sins, and pray ardently for the peace of the whole world and its salvation, for it is quickly rushing towards terrible corruption. (This idea [outline] in the speech on the accession to the throne of the sovereign.) I sinned before the Lord yesterday at Vespers in that, having come to Vespers with a full stomach, I, loudly singing stichera and troparia, became embittered with sexton Zrelov because he hastily and absurdly sang “Rejoice to the Virgin Mary,” “Baptist of Christ,” and so on. I speak in the language of singing, but in reality I indulge in malice and placeless 66 actions. Oh, damned me! We must learn love, which never gets irritated, endures everything, never falls away... For my anger I suffered, I was put to shame: the Lord and Master of my life could not speak. He left me at Vespers, but at Compline he could not finish: the enemy confused him, [crushed] him completely and did not say goodbye. I repent to the Lord. February 14. Matins. He served the Midnight Office in confusion and demonic fear because he did not give the sexton all the income from the service, which he did not attend without being invited by me; Hesitating like a leaf of a tree, I intended to give it all, but the embarrassment and fear did not stop. I could not pronounce the prayer of Ephraim the Syrian, nor the litany of the Midnight Office with dismissal; minor, too. The Great One begged the Lord to say, “Save, O God, Thy people,” I read the whole thing, hurried the end, and crushed the exclamation. He read the canon well and spoke the litanies firmly. The entire morning ended well. But I remembered that the sexton received separately for weddings and some services, and I wrote in a circle my income, from which he received, and I found that he was always sufficiently [rewarded] for the services, and where I alone perform, there he does not have the right to the entire share, for he did not work. However, I will always reward him faithfully, to the Lord who helps. I sin only to you, Lord! I will give the answer to you alone; The disembodied enemy does not care about my sins, which I recognize, which I repent of, and for which I firmly promise to reward. May he get away from me. Amen. But let me not be embarrassed by his dirty tricks, but let me look at everyone firmly, boldly, without fear. Without at all concealing from myself the real state of my body, I must say that fasting food produces in me a strong relaxation of the nerves, which gives the enemy the opportunity to confuse and disturb me more. February 15. Today I committed a grave sin before God and people: in my heart I cursed the watchman at the altar after Compline for untimely firing of the stoves and letting a child loose in the church; I showed impatience, cowardice, anger. Forgive me, the accursed one, my Lord! From not eating fish (even though I ate meat-based cabbage soup without meat), I feel at ease today, by the grace of God. Let Satan eat me wholeheartedly by God’s permission: the evil spirit will not eat me completely, but will torture me; languor and tightness will lead to peace and space. Foods and drinks that are nutritious and fragrant are combustible material in us, which the adversary the devil ignites in us and with which he burns and scorches us. Less material means less hellish fire: that means you need to fast. Do not fear the mighty of the earth, [...] you, servant of God: God is greater than them and their hearts are in His hand; be ready - and the Lord will arrange everything for the better. Life after death, future life, which has no end for us, the Orthodox children of the Church of Christ, is as undoubted and known as real life: every day we talk with our Savior and God, Who was dead - and now is alive forever and ever; with the Mother of God, Who died and after death is alive forever and ever and unceasingly benefits us; with all the holy saints of God, who have all died, but live undoubtedly after death and great powers and miracles act in the sunflower world incessantly, with whom we talk every day, as if they were inherent in us. Let us live in purity and innocence, so that we too may acquire incorruptible, indestructible, unaging life and an everlasting day. February 15. Tuesday. I have committed many grave sins today; from morning to evening many times I fell into hellish fire, sorrow, oppression, into death, and each time for my repentance and sincere turning to God of my life, I was rewarded, although unworthy, with salvation, forgiveness, peace, freedom, health, boldness, strength from my many-merciful Savior. During Matins, I was afraid of the strong and rich merchant Philip Stepanov, [sensing] him, but, remembering that there is one all-powerful and all-rich and most exalted Lord, eternal and beginningless, I despised human fear and feared the one God. Arriving at mass, I found a fume in the church from the caretaker’s foolish fire (at the wrong time) and became angry and shouted at the watchman Procopius, scolded him and all the watchmen and became upset myself, falling into sorrow, cramped conditions, darkness, death, but, in deep repentance, casting myself before the throne of the All-Holy, into the abyss of His mercy, simplicity, life, omnipotence, I received mercy and rose from the dead and continued my service peacefully. During Vespers, before the Mass of the Presanctified One, some third-party clergy came; I saw them, I was embarrassed, becoming low in their eyes, but I perked up, imagining that the Lord is with me, Whom I serve, that it is a sin to throw away the work of ministry, and even myself in the rank of priest, - I was encouraged and said the prayer “Lord and Master of my life,” but in the end I hesitated from confusion, then I recovered. Then a new temptation: Father Alexander Taratin came to the altar and took the Holy Gifts for the sick man, to whom they called me, although I could not. I was jealous for the sake of self-interest and was embarrassed, but I condemned myself for self-interest and greed, saying to myself: The Lord is everything to me - food, drink, wealth, glory, eternal and temporary life; everything in the world is perishable, I desire nothing but the Lord - and I was healed. At the christening of Lieutenant [K...] in front of unfamiliar people, I was greatly embarrassed, hesitated when reading prayers and performing rituals, missed many prayers from confusion and fear, did not finish many and came to Vespers in a row in cramped conditions and great sorrow - but I brought sincere repentance to God, plunged into the abyss of His merits with the abyss of my mental and physical infirmities, and again was healed and resurrected. I praise the Lord; At Compline, the devil at the end hurt me greatly - I again turned to God in repentance, and again the Lord revived me. At the gates of the house of the beggars, I scolded the beggars in rage, but I humbled myself deeply at home, condemned myself sincerely, and again was sovereignly delivered from my sins and saved. Glory to the Lord! I was and am seduced by half-silk scarves, as rare as matting and weak as a cobweb: am I not a madman, is my heart not mad? The enemy deceives me and laughs at my madness and cowardice. Yes, I despise everything red in the world as decay, which even corrupts the immortal soul. February 16. Remember, priest, what great cause you serve, what and how great God! You serve the great, immeasurably great cause of saving people, redeemed from sin, curse and death by the eternal blood of the Only Begotten Son of God, the cause of spiritual revival, education, renewal, enlightenment, affirmation; you serve the Creator and Provider of the Trinity, filled with infinite love, but also with infinite truth, holiness, power, and wisdom. You serve God, who is the eternal belly and leads people to the eternal belly. Serve the cause of human salvation sincerely, with a clear conscience, firmly, unchangeably, not preferring to this cause any other cause, especially earthly affairs or sinful, earthly, temporary customs and passions, for instead of work we often put our sinful customs, habits, passions, which we serve every day, forgetting the great work of saving people. May the holy apostles, saints, martyrs, saints and all the saints who labored for the glory of God and for the salvation of people and themselves all their lives be your example to follow. Take as an example the apostles Peter, Paul, Andrew the First-Called, John the Theologian, Saint Nicholas of Myra, Saints Peter, Alexis, Jonah, Philip of Moscow and others. So they and all the saints truly served the Christian idea all their lives, abandoning all their worldly addictions, passions, lusts of the flesh, which so much hinders the work of salvation, which requires an undivided, whole soul, ardent love, unceasing, irrevocable activity. And passions and vicious inclinations still dominate in us: pride, voluptuousness, covetousness in various forms (money, handkerchiefs, various things), love of glory - that is why the work of salvation, correction, renewal does not move forward one step: we ourselves do not enter and we prevent others from entering the Kingdom. If there were no eternal judgment or eternal torment, then the incarnation of the Son of God, the whole work of redemption, would have no meaning. Why then such a great and terrible sacrifice, such exhaustion of God the Word, such suffering, such death? Why resurrection? Such an economy of God presupposes in itself eternal judgment and eternal torment of unbelieving and unrepentant sinners, for no sacrifice is found for them if they did not have faith in Christ or rejected it. Because I am addicted to worldly pleasures and things, I have hitherto performed almost no sacred rites with a pure, fiery, peaceful, free and spacious heart, especially the liturgy, and always almost in some kind of confusion, in cramped conditions, under grave temptations and the machinations of crafty demons; and I often performed the heavenly Baptism with the spirit of temporary passions, in confusion, fear of demons, ashamed and afraid of people while performing a work of the greatest importance, a glorious, wonderful, saving work, which is the rebirth of man, purification, sanctification, renewal, adoption to God. Ole me a sinner, bound by worldly lusts and pleasures! Ole to the unworthy, indecent servant of God! Also, I often did the work of confession and repentance carelessly, hastily, coldly, without love, thirsting not for the salvation of human souls, but for money and money, or a wave 67 of goodness from my sheep. I have sinned before God and His people - I repent, I accuse, I condemn myself mercilessly. February 17. If you do not see and do not feel the shrine, greatness, immeasurable love, countless miracles of mercy of the Lady Theotokos over you, constantly amazed over you, sinful and indecent, then this is because your eyes of the heart are darkened by your sins, you are blind and therefore all the more pitiful in your wretchedness. How can you not see the sun, illuminating and warming? How can you not feel, feel its life-giving quality every day? 16. I thank the Lord, who has been a miracle of deliverance, salvation and help for me this day, as always, both during my priestly service and outside of service. My living treasure, inexhaustible, wonderful, glorious, my Lord, Lord, glory and thanksgiving to You now and always and unto the ages. Amen. So that our love for God and for the faith of Christ and His Holy Church does not grow cold, we must often bring to mind those greatest benefits that we daily benefit from God through our saving faith and the Church. These benefits are: our articulation, or close communion with the Main Church and with His heavenly and earthly members (the Church in heaven and on earth) and the unceasing salvation that comes from here, revival and renewal by the grace of Christ, protection, cleansing of sins, sanctification, enlightenment, peace, tranquility of spirit, help in all matters of salvation, sweet and firm, perfect hope in the grace brought by the revelation of Jesus Christ, the [sweet] hope of eternal life, the confidence that we are always under the special protection of God, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and saints (if only we live by faith, in repentance and virtue), participation in the miracles of salvation performed through the Mysteries of Christ and in general in the miracles of God’s providence for us in the Church. “Who is God as great as our God? You are a God who works wonders” [Ps. 77:14–15]. I thank the Lord, who showed me wonderful and great help during the service of Matins. God! I thank You for having subjected me to an evil attack from my sister-in-law Anna for giving my pantaloons to the girl Tatiana Balykina to repair. She considered me extremely unclean; indeed, I am unclean in heart. Lord, cleanse me. But to the uncleanness I added anger towards her, offended by her bickering. Forgive and heal our evil, Lord! You teach me kindness, revealing the inclination of my heart towards malice; Grant me kindness, generosity, patience and meekness. Wake up! For a long time I rushed with great sorrow, cramped conditions and evil agony to my sister-in-law Anna Tsvetkova, repented, sincerely condemned myself, walking along Aleksandrovskaya Street; I remembered the Lord’s commandment about love for enemies, humbled myself, pleaded guilty to hostility towards my wife’s hostile sister, admitted that love must heal the illness of anger and hostility, and not malice, which intensifies the flame of evil, doubles and quintuples - and for the recognition of the truth and submission to it, the Lord had mercy on me, as well as for the fact that I sincerely prayed for my enemies, may the Lord enlighten them May the eyes of the heart, blinded by passions, soften them, make them kind and grateful. The clock, I thank the Lord, served well, except for the great litany, during which I was confused by demonic fear and did not pronounce the emperor and empress, the heir with his wife and their son, and other petitions. Food interfered: it is extremely harmful to eat in the morning. Before Vespers, the Lord also solemnly saved me, during Vespers and after Vespers, when the enemy hurt me for my satiety, and then again, when I, angry with the beggar, but after repenting, gave him twenty kopecks. I got angry, but then, having suffered an ulcer in my soul, I repented, believing that I was giving to Christ Himself. And who did me infinitely much good? – Jesus Christ, my God. Who, if not Christ in the person of the beggar, should I give my money to - Christ, Who promises me eternal bliss for it? After this heartfelt conviction, the bonds of my soul suddenly broke down, and I felt spaciousness in life, peace. This is near the Duma Church along the ditch. Then I met another beggar near the Kudryavtsevsky outbuildings; he asked, and again, damned, I reluctantly gave him a ten-kopeck piece. For this again there was tightness, and again repentance, long repentance - and again the Lord forgave. I condemn myself for the fact that I have learned to be proud, that a brother equal to me in the image and likeness of God, inferior to me and eating my bread, sometimes even if you don’t talk to me, it’s unpleasant; what poison of pride and self-worship penetrated me! O evil Belial, who has sowed an evil seed in me, get away from me! There is a lot of natural malice in me, the accursed one, and it strongly reveals itself and torments me; I often sit at the table with anger at those who embittered me, in the closeness of my soul and do not say anything peaceful or do not say anything at all because of the evil hidden in my heart, until I pray secretly, repent from my soul, and then I come with a delivered soul, peaceful and spacious. Is it surprising if my sister-in-law, having inherited a lot of evil and pride from nature and bad upbringing, often rushes at me with anger and hostility, ready to devour me? There is nothing surprising: we are all subject to fits of anger. We must pray with meekness and love for every evil person as one who is perishing, as one deprived of the grace of God, as one possessed by a demon. Believe me. Secret prayer with love will have a beneficial effect on him and will save him from anger. “Pray,” it is said, “for one another, that you may be healed” [James 5:16], but an embittered person is a sick person. I need to completely kill my “I,” the source of all sin, so that it is no longer I who lives, but Christ lives in me, and so that I live not for myself, but for Christ and His lesser brothers. Grant this to me, Lord! “I” (in me) envies, is jealous, is proud, is angry, is gluttonous, loves money, overeats, gets drunk, commits fornication (internally), deceives, is cowardly, overcome by fear, is lazy, negligent, willful, stubborn, disobedient, contemplating, hypocritical, quarreling, fighting, lying, servile, irritated, he is malicious, has little faith, thinks freely, is arrogant, is vain, is hard-hearted, is unmerciful, is stingy, is despondent, despairs, grumbles, dares to be insolent, blasphemes, gloats, is malicious, etc. It’s terrible how bad my “I” is in me. You need to kill your “I”, that is, pride. Oh, how powerfully and deadly sin of all kinds works in me! How persistent, impudent, impudent, violent he is! How hasty for every hour, every minute, second! What iron fists he holds us in, and we don’t even notice it and are careless, we sleep. “While the people were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed tares among the wheat” [Matthew 13:25]. “Watch and pray” [Matthew 26:41]! The enmity that Anna Konstantinovna brazenly provokes me to strongly shakes my soul. God forbid you see her in your house or see her as a person, and not a snake with poison. February 19. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His greatest grace and mercy during the service of Matins, when invisible enemies were very treacherous over me because of my upset stomach and the resulting disorder of my nerves and cowardice. The Lord drove them away and removed my weakness from them. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great embarrassment and distress that arose from my argument with my wife over the absurdity of Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova (repairing pantaloons). The Lord accepted my repentance with ardor and gave me peace, although the devil played tricks on me for my cowardice and the remnants of hostility towards Anna K. when pronouncing the troparions of the 3rd, 6th and 9th hours and when praying “Lord, Master of my life”... But after communion of the Holy Mysteries, I completely revived and got rid of all the machinations of the enemy for the whole day. In the evening he confessed freely, calmly, with tears (during the confession of some people). He returned home healthy and calm. There were 128 confessors. February 19. I thank the Lord, who showed me His Divine help during the service of the all-night vigil; the voice is excellent, sonorous, clear; the stomach was cleansed of radish leaves and grated with kvass and of grape wine and homemade sweet tea (I had a snack at Deacon Poletaev’s). I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from the poisonous remorse of ethereal enemies, who wound me with fear of death and by stealing words of prayer and exclamations. Glory, glory, glory to God our Savior forever and ever! I thank the Lord, who gave me the word on the highly solemn day of the accession of the Emperor to the All-Russian throne; the word was written easily, quickly and efficiently, without words. Before composing, I prayed to the Lord, the source of wisdom, and He gave me the word. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, who gave me a tear of tenderness during the performance of the Bloodless Sacrifice. I thank and praise the Lord for the great deliverance given to me for the small but deep repentance of the insults that I inflicted on the poor, going to the all-night vigil in the Duma Church, cursing them as beasts and raging at them, threatening to pull out their hair for the persistence of their requests along the way. Oh, how much malice, madness, pride, envy, stinginess, love of money, hard-heartedness, madness, stubbornness, and waywardness happens when you are angry with the poor! And from what greatest sins the Lord saved me, from what madness, from malice, malice, anger, pride, from what sorrow, oppression, from fire, spiritual death, the Lord saved me and gave me peace, silence, tranquility, boldness! February 20. Resurrection. Do you ascend from the corruption of this life to the incorruptibility of the spiritual heavenly life, from sin to virtue, from the darkness of sin to the light of grace, from weakness to strength, from earth to heaven? Here is the program of Christian life given by the Holy Church. The means to fulfill it are fasting, prayer, almsgiving, purity and chastity, non-covetousness, meekness, humility, kindness, patience. When you go with you to a strong or rich or learned man of this world, do not think about his nobility, wealth and learning, but think about a person subject to sin and countless weaknesses, as an image of God who must ascend to the likeness of God through the virtues, as an equal to you in inner dignity, as a member of Christ and a member of the Church of Christ, as a co-heir Christ, as a sheep of the verbal flock of Christ, as a church of God. This is the Christian view of every Christian, no matter who he is. Meanwhile, the devil has introduced mutual vicissitudes, distrust, fear, doubt, suspicion into our views and relationships, especially when the lower and the higher, the noble and the low by birth, the rich and the poor communicate with each other. The priest, as a servant of God and primate at His throne, as a shepherd of people, should not have class prejudices, suspicions, mistrust, fear and apprehension. As a servant of the Supreme God, as an organ of the Church, as a representative of the Spiritual, Heavenly, and Divine Kingdom, he must treat everyone equally, simply, with boldness, meekness, kindness, sedateness and with a consciousness of his own dignity, with a consciousness of the holiness of the cause he serves. Do not be embittered at unrighteous and evil people, because with their malice they expose themselves to the righteous wrath of God and the accursed hell along with the devil; one must feel sorry for them, as if they were caught alive in the will of the devil, cry for them and pray with love, that the Lord will soften their hearts, may enlighten and benefit them. With your malice, do not multiply the hostility of the enemy everywhere; be meek, gentle, and a peacemaker. February 21. Monday. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace and strength to celebrate the late liturgy in the Assumption Church, although with difficulty of heart and body, and to deliver the sermon of Metropolitan Gregory; The Holy Synod did not pronounce the royal family at the great entrance, did not pronounce the metropolitan out of fear and powerlessness of the soul; I didn’t say goodbye. I sinned. He was baptized by [Matsygin]. I sinned: I ate salmon, pressed caviar, drank tea and wine after the christening. I baptized a child at Anuchin’s, read the prayers poorly, as [...] because of a silk scarf, with an addiction to which the devil terribly embarrassed me during the entire time of the ceremony. I could not with all my heart despise him like decay: a full heart, a full womb was powerless to fight the villain. And who did I humiliate? - Lord, the grace of the Holy Spirit, a person being baptized, who, in the image and likeness of God, despised the Sacrament of Baptism, great and heavenly, humiliated himself and his dignity because of such a trifle, because of such a strong passion of mine for the actions of the enemy. This is how the enemy caught me! - covetousness, vanity, the vanity of this world! To what extent am I weak in spirit, low, partial, earthling! Where is the elevation of the heart and thoughts of grief? And at baptism, the priest should be all grief. Forgive, Lord, my great sins. When will I change my heart? When will I live on heavenly earth and correspond to my high, heavenly title of Christian and the rank of priesthood? When will I hate corruption and love incorruption? When will I trample under foot all deceiving things? How sublime is the liturgy of Basil the Great! What a heavenly spirit! What a broad love for God and people! What a heavenly heart! And how low I am even when celebrating the liturgy! How passionate, earthling, connected, gloomy! Give me, Lord, the heavenly spirit, a pure, loving heart, not bound by any worldly lusts and passions, for “none of those bound by worldly lusts and pleasures is worthy to come or draw near or serve You, the King of glory” 68. A priest must be like an eagle, pompous, far-sighted, strong, and fast-moving. Give it, Lord! The whole earth, with all its treasures, beauties, sweets, is like nothing before such a Sacrament as the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord, like the sacred rite of the liturgy. February 21. I thank the Lord, who mercifully and quickly heard me in the sorrow, crampedness and sadness of my sin, when I walked after the communion of a sick youth in the house of Yakov Murashov, defeated by the enemy and wounded in my soul while reading prayers. I admitted to Him my poverty, weaknesses, damnation, threw myself into His mercy - and His salvation accepted me, and I was at peace. Then, at the funeral service of the late Lieutenant Commander Makarov, I was again honored with a clear visit from God: recognizing my poverty in true love; I wept bitterly about my damnation, my poverty, begged to forgive my cowardice during the prayer for the repose, to grant me love from above - and I received what I asked for, my soul warmed with love, tears of tenderness flowed, and I came to life. 22. I thank the Lord, who gave me, in my sinful death and distress, during the funeral liturgy in the Church of the Epiphany, tenderness, peace and space. Oh, how sweet is the mercy of God in great sorrow, darkness and cramped conditions! I thank and praise the Lord, who has mercy on me with unspeakable mercy. I thank the Lord for having mercy on me when, fearing vain fear during the funeral service for captain of the second rank Makarov, I stole the funeral exclamation and for this I was subjected to shame and oppression and, repenting of cowardice and lack of faith, tearfully asked for mercy from the Lord at (...) the St. Petersburg Gate and in the gymnasium. February 23. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with indescribably great mercy when, on the way to the school as a shoemaker, I met an old beggar woman who was chasing me, and was angry with her (even though he gave her twenty kopecks) for following me. For this anger, for my stinginess, great distress and sorrow befell me, and I cried out to God for a long time for mercy, and was miraculously pardoned and delivered from spiritual death. The trustee, Prince Volkonsky, arrived, and by the grace of God I met him with a clear face and a kind tongue. I thank the Lord. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance of hard-heartedness and stinginess, when I refused to give alms and loans to several people (six rubles). He had mercy on me again, benevolent Master, who is everywhere and fulfills everything. 24. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the early Presanctified Liturgy for the dead in the Assumption Church and through the communion of the Divine Mysteries, who delivered me from the possession of the devil, great oppression, powerlessness of the heart and death of the heart, who bestowed purification, holiness, life-giving power, miraculously permeating my entire being, and who made me from the old a new man. 25. Morning. I thank and praise the Lord, who, through my fervent heartfelt prayer, delivered me from the tightness of my body and soul, from the confusion and mental torment that was in me as a result of jealousy of the German pastor, that he collected a lot of money in Kronstadt for the benefit of the committee of which I am a member, and wants to distribute clothes to the poor alone without the participation of me and the Russian members in general, therefore, more to the Germans than to the Russians, although there is more money from the Russians than from the Germans. This was a difficult temptation for me, but the Lord, for faith and repentance, took away the oppression and sorrow, giving life-giving peace, heart space, victory over invisible enemies, and boldness. Oh, how fun, easy, and life-giving it was for me to read the canon to Saint Tarasius, Patriarch of Constantinople, and the penitential canon from the Triodion and sing the stichera on the verse! This is the greatest bliss from serving the Lord! These are the fruits of this ministry: cleansing of sins, sanctification, enlightenment, peace, freedom, boldness, angelic bliss and pleasure! So, we serve God not in vain, but we receive from Him the greatest gifts: sanctification, peace, space of the heart, standing in truth and virtue, affirmation of the heart, eternal bliss. For eternal life awaits us for this here, temporary pleasing to God. In the third week of Lent, I had one hundred and fourteen people at confession, Father Pavel had sixty-five, Father Klepachevsky had sixty, Father Alexander Taratin had forty-five people. Tomorrow I must serve early mass without a deacon. May the word of God reign over the machinations of the ethereal enemy. By the Word of God everything was created. Let the fear of demons disappear from my heart. Forgive me, Lord, all the unrighteous concessions that I made to the disembodied enemy when he was tempted while I read prayers and praises, and may he not take over me today and ever his dreamy strength while serving You, the God of my life. [Cheer] my heart, O Lord, with Your Holy Spirit. February 26. God! Pour out common love into my heart with the Holy Spirit, so that I may sincerely pray for everyone in the world and in the church. And always pour out, O Lord, glory for the sake of Your holy name. Rise, O Lord, and let Your and our enemies crumble. Amen. February 26. I thank and praise the Lord for His immeasurable mercy towards me and the power shown in serving alone, without a deacon, the liturgy in the Assumption Church; The Lord has granted me the grace to overcome the invisible adversaries who always fight me and to serve boldly and without stumbling, except for a little confusion and haste in small litanies; he pronounced almost the entire great litany briskly, the entire litany, and the funeral litany too; at the great entrance he remembered everyone firmly; “Let us fulfill the prayer” and “Having remembered all the saints” he said completely; “First remember, O Lord,” everything and ending in emptiness. In the evening I abstained from food and drink. Almond milk has soothing properties. In the customs office, while giving a prayer to the mother in labor, I was completely embarrassed and confused by the enemy’s actions because of the feast at the birthday party of Father Porfiry, I drank quite a lot of sherry, cursed, incontinent, and the sherry was strong, alcoholic. I sinned before the Lord, left my weapon to the devil - fasting. Abstinence makes me strong and strong against the devil by the grace of God. Prayer is the greatest, priceless gift of the Creator of creation - to man, who through it can talk with his Creator, like a child with his father, and pour out before Him feelings of wonder, praise and thanksgiving. How many people value this gift and rush to prayer, praise and thanksgiving? Drinking too much sherry had an effect and on February 27 I felt ill during the service: I was dead in soul, sick in body. Woe from intemperance! 27. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to glorify the power of His Kingdom this day through Matins and Early Mass; I sang to my God, but the incorporeal enemy oppressed and confused me; When I stopped singing, I wasn’t allowed to speak. In the Gospel he missed a few words at the end, he was afraid to speak and stole the words and names, “Christ, the True Light” was not fully pronounced. At the early mass, out of fear of the demonic, I did not speak out to Empress Maria Alexandrovna, the heir to the rightful sovereign, Tsarevich Grand Duke Alexander Alexandrovich, the rightful prince, Grand Duke Nikolai Alexandrovich, and the entire royal house. The Holy Synod did not reprimand His Eminence Metropolitan Isidore. But after communion of the Holy Mysteries, the Lord miraculously revived me, strengthened me, pacified me, and I read the prayer behind the pulpit briskly, and said dismissal all briskly. At the funeral service and prayer service, the enemy strongly resisted and embarrassed me. He used the effort and prevailed. At the christening in the house of [Kanon Rodionov], the enemy greatly undermined and undermined my spiritual home because of my addiction to a good handkerchief; I didn’t say many words, it stopped me completely, but I rebelled and continued to say prayers. I didn’t say the end, but after the christening I begged the Lord for forgiveness and peace. At other christenings, at Abramov’s, I baptized boldly, reprimanded almost everything, at the end the enemy took power over me, did not pronounce the litany, exclamation and dismissal. Hence the tightness and sorrow. But when, before tea, I raised my heart’s eye with faith to the Lord, praying and hoping inwardly to get rid of my tightness, suddenly the Lord showed His saving power in me and in an instant dissolved the network of the enemy, and it became easy, easy for me. Glory to the Lord! (And all [the temptations] are because of the silk scarf.) Who, what idol do I put in my heart in the place of the Lord and in the place of His image, little one? - decay. Is this characteristic of the bath of incorruption and rebirth? What prayers do you read? What do you pray for in your baptismal prayers and litanies? All about the incorruptible Kingdom. 28. I thank the Lord, who consoled me with His speedy salvation from the sins with which my bodiless enemies attacked me at home and in the classroom. Troparion of the 1st song of the Great Penitential Canon of St. Andrew of Crete. The fire chief is the head of the city's fire brigades. Gobzuyuschiy (church-glorified) – living in contentment and abundance, overflowing with wealth. Placeless (Church Slavic) – ridiculous, empty, obscene. Volna (Church Slavic) – animal fur. Prayer of the priest at the Great Entrance during the singing of the Cherubic Song.