Март 1877 г.

March 1st. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of repentance and tenderness in church this morning during Matins. I thank the Lord for delivering me from lustful and indecent thoughts and feelings with which Satan assailed me because of my lust. At the memorial service for the maiden Alexandra, the enemy stopped me, reminding me of the withheld share of the income of sexton Zrelov. Then I gave everything away. March 2. I thank the Lord, who has now shown His mercy and power in me in delivering me from my sins and worldly addictions, as soon as I resorted to Him in repentance. Morning. Ten o'clock. Addiction to corruptible things, to their beauty, sweetness, to wealth or self-interest separates our souls from God, the source of eternal life, incorruptible, eternal beauty and sweetness, incorruptible, inexhaustible, enduring wealth, and exposes us to sorrow, oppression, darkness, spiritual and physical death. This is constantly and daily experienced by all of us, the descendants of Adam, who was the first to be deceived by the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and pride, dreaming of being god. So, look not at the beauty and sweetness of things, but at the consequences of addiction to them, at their corruption, at their harm to the soul, at separation from God, from life, from the Kingdom of Heaven. March 2. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who quickly heard me in the guardianship building at seven o’clock in the evening, when I, being cramped by the enemy, cried out to Him for mercy, deliverance and help. Deliverance followed immediately, and with boldness and calm and space in my heart I looked into the face of General Sokolov, with whom I spoke. God's holy men labored diligently during the short period of their lives on earth and are now blessed with true glory and rejoice forever, having received a reward for their labors. Let us not be foolish, let us also strive diligently, knowing that we too are called to the same incorruptible, eternal inheritance, kept in heaven for us. For this purpose, by the way, we will study the history of the Church, the history of the Old and New Testaments, and go to church and listen to divine services. March 2. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who graciously and generously had mercy on me, the accursed, just before the baptism of the baby in Tretyakova’s house, when I cried out to Him in cramped conditions and sorrow for salvation and deliverance of me from my sins (I was very angry with a beggar boy of about twelve years old and gave him fifteen kopecks with annoyance and unwillingness). I am delivered, I am at peace, I am free. Another time on the same day I was upset with a beggar who asked for alms (to the twelfth man), and with annoyance I gave him thirty kopecks, but from God [...]. I accuse myself of self-love, hard-heartedness, stinginess, covetousness, gluttony, intemperance, internal fornication, malice, instigation, ill will, indifference and coldness, negligence and contempt for the poor. These sins are reflected in me every day, especially when dealing with the poor, of whom there are so many in Kronstadt. Sinner, Lord. On Sunday, say a word about the meeting of trustees to read the discussion of the report. On Monday to the Grechukhins regarding the accession of a Lutheran. Saturday of the fourth week of Lent. I thank the Lord: I got up in the morning calm and extremely healthy after yesterday’s labors of confession, which was attended by 238 people. Grant, Lord, that today we may perform the entire upcoming service calmly, without fuss and stumbling, for Your glory, Lord! I thank the Lord for the great salvation shown to me, for the tears of tenderness. God! Grant me victory over the enemies of salvation who are fighting me mercilessly. I came from confession at nine and a half in the evening, and started at half past three. The crush was strong. The disembodied enemy interfered and did not allow the word of the prayer of permission to be spoken, especially the word of love for mankind, which was disgusting to him. And this morning the enemy stunned my heart with melancholy and despondency, weakening and killing my soul with the expectation of his temptations, but I cried out to the Lord with all my heart, and the Lord saved me from his all-evil and destructive snares, giving me peace and freedom. I thank and praise the Lord. The hand of the Lord, delivering me from bitter, all-evil and all-evil demons, is with me - why should I be afraid, sad and despondent! Take away from me, Lord, cowardice, grant generosity, boldness, freedom, deep peace for Your name’s sake! March 5th. I thank the Lord for the wonderful deliverance from sinful aphids and from ethereal enemies and for the wonderful revival by the Divine Mysteries during the liturgy that I performed. During Matins and especially early mass, I felt in myself extreme moral corruption, uncleanness, weakness, cramped conditions, sorrow, and death. Now I understand the whole necessity of crucifying the multi-passionate flesh, the need for abstinence and fasting, prayer, vigil. Now I understood the deep and completely true meaning of the words of the Lord: “Whoever wants to save his soul,” that is, whoever takes great care of himself in the sense of nourishing and delighting the flesh, pleasing it in its lusts, will destroy it, that is, his soul, or his spiritual life, “and whoever destroys his soul... he will save it” [Mark 8:35], that is, whoever will not spare, have pity on his flesh, but will in every possible way depress, trouble her, exhaust her, he will revive her. Such are the reverend men and women who labored under the feat of fasting, prayer, repentance, bodily labor, mortification of passions, such are the martyrs who gave themselves up to the tormentors for wounds and various tortures and tortures, such are our common people who are in various difficult, exhausting daily works. All last week I was gluttonous, ate and drank a lot, upset my stomach and as a result became weak morally, I simply died, and how I died! [Terrible:] he was all bound with iron chains, overcoming the enemy in the mind, in the heart, in words, thoughts, feelings, in the will - everything was chained, killed. But wonderful is the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, wonderful are the actions of living, seeing faith in Him: when I strengthened to introduce Him by faith into my heart and introduced Him, He destroyed my death, my sorrows and oppression, revived me, pacified me, spread me. The trouble is that everything carnal, materially valuable, beautiful, sweet, shiny tempts me and confuses me, apparently showing my addiction to perishable things and captivating me with them. I grieve for my God, as my sins remove me from Him, the purest source of life, strength, reason, holiness, truth, beauty, incorruptible sweetness. I grieve that corruptible creatures, in which His beauty, wisdom, and sweetness were temporarily expressed, seduce me and separate me from Him, plunging me into the sin of partial carnal love, becoming idols for me, possessing my thoughts, my heart, depriving me of freedom and will. But from corruptible beauty, may I always ascend to imperishable, wonderful, infinite, indescribable by any word; from corruptible sweetness, may I always be transported to the imperishable, and may I never stop with my gaze and heart on the corruptible, transient, and deadly to the soul. I thank the Lord, who quickly delivered me with His sovereign power and His holiness from nasty and indecent thoughts and heartfelt feelings in the gymnasium, in the third grade; As soon as I looked to Him with the eyes of my heart towards the Lord in repentance and inner prayer, I was saved and delivered from shame. I thank the Lord, who soon saved me from the spiritual distress that befell me from anger at the little dog for her pranks; I looked to Him in repentance for my malice, and was mercifully soon saved. Fifth week of Lent. For Sunday, the Gospel is about the expulsion of the dumb and deaf from the possessed spirit. This dumb and deaf spirit is in every sinner, and it is in me. I am speechless when I need to sincerely pray, cry and grieve over my sins, or when I need to confess them with a fiery tongue, when I need to glorify the Lord and the Mother of God or the saints! I am deaf to the instructions of the word of God, the shepherds of the Church: no matter what they tell me, I remain an unrepentant sinner; Whatever my conscience tells me, this voice of God in me, I am deaf and do not hear, and like a mute I do not open my mouth and have no reproach in my mouth [Ps.37]. God! Deliver me from the spirit of being dumb and deaf. The Lady Theotokos is dressed and adorned with all sorts of Divine [blessings], all merged with the Divine, with His light, purity, holiness, truth, power, goodness, mercy, wisdom, immutability, bliss, all-contentment. But help us, Lady, Your children, Your inheritance, Your servants, enlighten us, make us wise. March 6. Resurrection. After early mass. I thank and glorify with all my heart my Lord Jesus Christ, who sent me wondrous deliverance and salvation during Matins and Liturgy, who tore away the burning stings of demons in the flesh and healed the ulcers from them; victory and victory over the invisible enemies of the one who gave (I read the Gospel all loudly; dismissal, despite demonic embarrassment and fears, saying everything; “Christ, the true Light” everything to the end; at the liturgy at the great entrance he said all the names and words separately, read the prayers with tenderness); The devil tempted a lot, stung, weakened, but in the name of the Lord he was defeated and put to shame; because of yesterday's milk there was a lot of sting in the flesh and in the heart. I have sinned against the Lord. I feel the abyss of God’s mercy towards me - may I not use it for evil, but may I correct myself immediately. When the flesh, the world and the devil tempt you to commit any sin, remember immediately that you are the church of God and the Spirit of God lives in you, and say to sin: the church of the Lord, the church of the Lord, the church of the Lord is, the Lord is near, the Lord is near, the Lord is near with me. 7. Monday. Yesterday late in the evening the devil embarrassed me with mere trifles: I think that some members of the pedagogical council convey to the pupils that sometimes I don’t say anything at the council (that is, I really rarely and say little). I had the idea that I was being neglected by the members of the council, and at their head by the director, that he noted me disapprovingly in the reports, and that he was not presenting me with an immediate reward. My heart felt melancholy, tightness, and despondency. But I turned to the Lord in prayer, reproaching myself for self-love, ambition, non-recognition of my real weaknesses, asking for forgiveness and recognizing in my heart that the Lord is my strength, glory, help, deliverance, salvation, prosperity. After a long struggle, the Lord granted me complete deliverance and peace in space. I thank the Lord, who saved me and now repeatedly for my matins and after my matins [....] when I repented; After Matins, I dealt strictly and sternly with some beggars who were found drunk, although I myself drink wine. I prayed to the Lord in repentance in Vasiliev’s janitor’s room near the shooting range (before a prayer service with a retired soldier), and life-giving salvation shone to me. Glory to the Lord! March 8. Because of yesterday's gluttony and satiety in the evening, this morning at four o'clock I was subjected to the most malignant, unclean dream. Here is a lesson - do not indulge in gluttony and do not eat caviar and jam, mushrooms with butter, and onions during Lent. I sinned, I sinned gravely before the Lord. But I still do not despair, I trust in His immeasurable mercy. By the grace of God, yesterday I gave useful instruction when they asked me to give consolation. How to escape? - they say, - we sin a lot, we cannot be saved. I said that they would be saved by obedience, by enduring slander, reproach, and persecution for the sake of righteousness, which they have to experience every day, that the poor in spirit, those who mourn, the meek, those who hunger and thirst for righteousness will be saved by this. Metropolitan Isidore brought a lot of benefit to the Church of God, building an almshouse for the poor of the clergy and translating the entire book of Holy Scripture into Russian, thereby making it accessible to everyone, and even to me, a great sinner. And glory and thanksgiving to the Holy Synod for this matter. I will loudly pray for the grace of God for the Holy Synod and Metropolitan Isidore. Evening. Nine o'clock. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me this day from the fierce sorrows and cramps of sin, when in repentance I cried out to Him, most merciful and benevolent, for help, deliverance and salvation. Glory to the faith of Christ! Glory to the mercy of God, invincible by our sins! Glory to His everlasting obedience! In particular, I thank the Lord for deliverance from the corruption of the heart and the oppression that occurred during the night from an indecent vision of the devil, for deliverance from anger towards the poor upon leaving church (from the clock) and on the way to the gymnasium, then upon arriving home from the gymnasium; then while walking during Vespers, when the beggars came up to me, and finally late in the evening, when I became angry with my wife for her disobedience and then repented and asked forgiveness from the Lord once and twice and three times. I am not a sire, I have not been abandoned by the Lord, He is always near me. Glory to Thee, immortal King! The Holy Church, as a milkmaid 69, carries and warms all her children every day, day and night (litanies, prayers). I stand at the source of life daily and hourly, that is, at the Lord, both in the church at His throne, and at home or on the street, in the square. You come, Christian, to the church to the very source of life - come with faith, humility, a sincere heart, with fear. At the proskomedia and in the liturgy we call upon all saints, beginning with the Mother of God, to participate in the service of the liturgy. All the saints and all the Angels participate in the service with the priest. The Lord is an inexhaustible source of truth, a boundless ocean of truth, from which we sinners all draw justification through sincere repentance. And I'm the first. Glory to Thee, Lord! The heart is earthly, carnal, passionate, vaguely does not accept even the Spirit of God, it is kindled by the devil. Oh, how low we are, earthlings, sinners, unclean, rude! And how we are exalted by God through the incarnation of the Son of God, adopted, inherited by God, deified! There is only one who is just, and we are crooked judges! The idea of ​​worship: man is the image of God and God is the Prototype, fall and restoration, faith, hope, love, holiness, unity of the Church, strength in prayer and unity of believers, the presence of God in the Holy Church and in each of the believers: “you are the living church of God” [2 Cor. 6:16]. A reading book (“The Wanderer,” 1863) was given today, March 8, to the cellar keeper in Karpov’s house, Posadskaya Street. Carnal love is unclean in its origin, rude and unworthy of a rational being in the image of God, fickle and changeable, depending on various accidents: beauty or ugliness, education or lack of education of the loved one, wealth or poverty, usefulness or uselessness of a person, character, illness and health, youth or old age. And spiritual love is spiritual, constant, unchanging, unfeigned, pure and does not depend on the mentioned circumstances. Grace is my beauty, sweetness, strength, life more than any beauty, sweetness, strength, life. Remember, man, that you are everywhere before the face of God and that the eyes of the Lord look into your heart and see everything, down to its smallest movements and feelings. He has placed, it is said, His eye on them [Sir.17:7]. Make a solid statement of the science of worship so that it is entertaining and [nutritious]. I live, cursed, like a senseless animal or like a pagan, a Mohammedan: I indulge daily in the pleasures of the belly, I am satiated, I burden both soul and body. God! Give me correction of my life and, above all, abstinence! So last night I ate black caviar with black bread and a bun with sugar, and tonight I had extreme irritation, and my mouth felt like tar. Never eat at night! Yes it will! March 9. Remember, Christian, that you are here a stranger, a guest, an alien, that you have been given here time, place, strength and means to prepare for your eternal homeland in heaven. One of these methods of preparation and Christian education for heaven is the divine service of the Orthodox Church, the image of the angelic service in heaven; its place is primarily the church of God. This is the earthly sky. Use divine services more often for your Christian education, confirmation, improvement, as it is said: “Be perfect, as your Heavenly Father is perfect” [Matthew 5:48]. In the church you receive rebirth, purification, sanctification, enlightenment, renewal, confirmation, heavenly eternal life in the Sacraments and worship, preaching the word of God. The church is primarily a place for preaching the word of God and performing the heavenly Sacraments. This is heaven, heaven, heaven! March 10th and 11th. The former Father Matthew, and now Father Archimandrite Melchizedek, visited us and treated us to bread and salt and wine at the official table. I was prompted by Father Nikolai Asiatsky to make two speeches, and it turned out well, I had the courage. On Thursday 11th, Father Archimandrite celebrated the Presanctified Liturgy in the Duma Cathedral Church of the Assumption; God gave me the word to say farewell to Father Melchizedek, and at dinner there was another speech. He began with an explanation of the historical name Melchizedek and its history and applied this to Father Archimandrite. May God grant you the courage to have and speak oral sermons in the church of God with preliminary preparation. What an abyss of the Lord’s mercies appears in the mystery of repentance in the forgiveness of the sins of every sinner through the priest! What a wonderful, rich prayer of permission read from the priest! Glory to the abyss of Your bounty, Lord! March 13. How weak in spirit, cursed, poor, poor, blind and naked I was yesterday during Matins during the reading of the Akathist to the Mother of God and during the service of early mass for the communicants! There is powerlessness within, the machinations of the enemy, defeating enemies from without. Shame covered my face. I propitiated God, calling upon His help by frequently kissing the throne of His glory; at the great entrance I could not pronounce the names of the royal family; The Holy Synod did not remember Metropolitan Isidore; he did not say everything, but only the last words. I sinned against the Lord through gluttony and satiety at the feasts of Father Matthew (Archimandrite Melchizedek) and society, because of this I lost the grace of God, became naked, shameful, powerless, dead. I said just one word to the communicants, which I had composed long ago. I thank the Lord for the revival of communion during the early liturgy and for the communion I gave to about seven hundred communicants. I thank you for God’s help during the confession of one hundred and fifteen people. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the embitterment and tightness of heart that befell me in the apartment of Vladimir D. Nikitin (committee for the expansion of the cathedral), when Father Klepachevsky casually greeted me (allegedly) and said: where did this come from in a hurry? In deep repentance and self-condemnation, I prayed to the Lord for mercy and was miraculously granted mercy: the tightness and powerlessness of my heart passed, and there was peace, silence, space, strength. In the evening he served with emotion and without stumbling. I thank the Lord for my repeated salvation before and during the all-night vigil and for the gift of tenderness during its service. I felt the powerlessness of my soul, and all because of gluttony. Throughout Lent, I, the accursed one, fulfilled the wisdom of my flesh: I ate, ate too much, drank and got drunk beyond measure, ate fish, even drank milk several times, babbled at the official dinner in the Duma in honor of the father of Archimandrite Melchizedek, dared to talk about Melchizedek, the king of Salem, about his meeting of Abraham with bread and wine. But here’s what’s strange and impudent on my part: I judge myself and don’t correct myself. To repent of sins means to forsake sins. Ask Pyotr Grigoryevich Ponomarev: did he really give the sexton twenty kopecks or a ruble? March 13. Ask today. (He got it right: he was given sixty-five kopecks, not twenty, and I gave him sixty kopecks out of two rubles. Now he is completely satisfied with me and for those needs that he did not go to.) [Then let me be a reward for my service.] I thank the Lord, who showed me His help during the unction yesterday after the all-night vigil for the old woman at Ponomarev’s: I fought many times with the enemies while speaking often repeated very short litanies about the sick woman. Why are learned people rarely interested in worship? Because the sciences of worship are taught dryly in schools, not to the heart, but to the mind. Even the cathedral priest, Father Peter Klepachevsky, expressed that worship is a hackneyed matter. Let me [, Lord, ] prove to everyone [the opposite] by deed, by the creation of such a science that would interest everyone deeply, touching the most tender strings of the heart. Present science in an instructive way. What to pay attention to: the spirit of worship, the deep meaning of the litanies, exclamations, rituals, the entire structure of the liturgical service, the most touching songs of the Octoechos, Menaion, and Triodeus. Addiction to the world and its blessings - to money, food, drink, in general to sweets, to the glory of the world, to the vanity of life, miserably separates the soul from God, deprives it of God's grace and help, exposes it to confusion, sorrow, and cramped conditions, until a person repents sincerely. And anger, envy, pride, despondency, fornication and other sins all the more pitifully separate the soul from the source of goodness - God. Therefore, people, beware of clinging to the world and do not be double-hearted when you work for God - devote your whole heart to Him, undividedly. The first enemy of a person in the matter of salvation is himself, or his many-passionate flesh, therefore, do not have anything in common with her regarding her lusts, consider her a stranger, an enemy, crucify her, do not pity: they scold you, beat you, take away your tidbit, money, deprive you of distinction - do not regret, and it will be good. Here I am, damned one, paying intense attention to the real or imaginary deceit and self-interest of sexton Zrelov. I’m worried, trying to check him to see if he’s speaking correctly about the income given to him (twenty kopecks or a ruble, in the latter case he received more than me), but I don’t pay due attention to my soul, tormented by this vanity, care and separated from the grace of God, and it is in fire and cramped conditions. Away with worldly cares and all the deceptions or non-deceptions of the sexton, away from the head and heart! These are the devil's vain dreams! One thing you need! The beauty of a person, especially a Christian, is the beauty of Christ, for Christ created everyone in the image of God. Therefore, look at beauty spiritually, holyly, and not with carnal, voluptuous eyes. Addiction to the world (covetousness, ambition, lust, gluttony, delicacy, drunkenness, gambling, theater) brings us down from the heights of redemption and deification into the world of sensuality and corruption, even animality, in general into the world of everyday, corruptible, unclean, animal interests and instincts, it extremely humiliates the dignity of man, exposes him to the impurity of sin, makes him a slave of sin and death. Remember, man, to what height you are placed by the incarnation of Christ, how much has been given to you and how you recklessly cast yourself into the state of a pagan or a dumb animal, you descend from a state of holiness to a state of impurity, from life to death, from space to cramped space, from the world of God to the rebellion of violent, deadly passions. Oh, foolishness! Oh, our miracle and bliss to read the canon and Akathist to the Mother of God or to the Sweetest Jesus! What heights, what wealth of blessings, what wealth of deification has been bestowed upon people—us, us sinners! But we, like those dumb ones, do not dare to read into the ears of the people of God such high, sweet chants because of the impurity of the heart, the death of the heart that comes from the pleasures of this life! We are damned people! Ungrateful, insensitive! The devil sits on me every day and rides me for the sake of my worldly addictions, torments me, torments me. Blessed are the saints on whom Christ and the Holy Spirit are seated. They received the power to trample evil spirits. Destined by God to the inheritance of incorruptible blessings, we cleave, however, contrary to our nature and purpose, to corruptible things, and for this we are greatly wounded by the invisible stings of demons, and rightly so! Pay your attention to this, sinners, and turn to God and His heavenly Kingdom. I will contact you immediately. Grant, Lord, to love You with all my heart, as the apostles, prophets, martyrs, saints and all the saints loved You. Amen. March 13. After mass. I thank the Lord, who saved me three times through my persistent prayer during the liturgy from great cramped conditions and sorrow that came from gluttony and my satiety (the day before I drank a glass of quick milk, beer and two glasses of sweet tea, ate a slice of black bread with milk), I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness. At the great entrance, the enemy prevailed and did not allow the names of the royal family to be pronounced - he confused, knocked down, confused; therefore there is crampedness and sorrow - the prayer of repentance returned peace. The Holy Synod did not mention the Metropolitan out loud because of the absurd fear of the devil and confusion; I didn’t finish the prayer behind the pulpit before the sermon; he stole his leave, saying only the last words. This made me very angry. At the funeral service for Matthew Varfolomeevich [K...] in the church, he could not speak because of his addiction to the new kamilavka (there is a lot of smoke from the censer). Then torment, the deceit of enemies; Intensified prayer and especially the communion of the Holy Mysteries drove out invisible enemies and, thanks to God, peace was established in me. At Vespers and Compline, the enemy cut me off and cut me short, stumbling and mute me. At Compline on dismissal, the sight of the cross embarrassed me that it was not made according to the official order. One must have the only terrible Lord in His glory before one’s eyes during worship, and He alone must be feared, and people are nothing before Him. To the Metropolitan a paper about Safronov tomorrow on behalf of the rector. From eating fish and pies with fish, I was fed up yesterday, a much-cursed one, therefore, as a result of this and as a result of a short sleep after dinner, I developed a strong pain in the soles of my feet, especially in the [half-tower] when giving prayer to the mother and baby and during the unction in Tsyplenkov’s house. At night, severe itching all over the body, in the head (spoilage of excess juices). I need to go to the bathhouse. Don’t eat any more fish, eat and drink as little as possible. Wake up. March 14. I thank the Lord from the fullness of a grateful heart for His glorious salvation for me from the atrocities of invisible enemies who were before the end of Compline, and the Lord accomplished salvation in me after the end of Compline. The all-evil demons confuse me and bring upon me vain fear and dumbness. My God, my Lord! When will You deliver me from their dirty tricks? For twenty-one years now I have endured shame and embitterment from them with heartbreak. Or do You want me to always endure bitterness from them? March 15. Tuesday of the sixth week of Lent. Yesterday I brought upon myself extreme spiritual impotence by my intemperance and overeating and drinking wine and beer; This morning, during the morning service, the devil almost devoured me, he already struck me on the spot with fear and confusion when reading two special litanies, small and great, and then the prayer “Save, O God, Thy people”... How I feel [numb]: how many times has the Lord punished me, through Belial has put me to shame, and yet I still do the same thing - I'm on a stomach rage. Woe to me, wretched one. French roll with [potash], it’s bad for me. Black bread is good - healthy. I could hardly clear my throat this morning because of yesterday’s bun. Oh, how I abused the time of fasting, a time so precious, saving, and pleasing to God! God! Have patience with me, a sinner. Yesterday I ate food four times, although little by little, while my need is the smallest in maintaining external chastity. Where is the logic of life? Where is the wisdom of the serpent and the integrity of the dove? I thank the Lord, the most pure, most merciful, long-suffering, all-powerful, who saved me last night repeatedly from unclean lusts that invaded my heart before reading, even while reading the prophet in Russian under guardianship ([...]). Gluttony leads to fornication, corruption, and deprivation of God's grace; one must mortify the flesh and its lusts through abstinence, vigil, prayer, labor, alms, and all righteousness in thoughts, feelings, words and deeds. March 15. Tuesday evening. I thank the Lord for His sovereign and prompt help to me, unworthy, during the service of the hours with Vespers and Compline. “Lord and Master of my life” finally said everything, dismissal in full, the prayer “Master of Much Mercifulness” at Compline and farewell with the final litany at Compline. His help is always with me. “I have lifted up my eyes to the mountains, from nowhere will my help come. My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth” [Ps. 121:1–2]. I sinned by being bitterly offended by the children, who were already asleep, when I saw that they were extremely mischievous in my small bookcase, they rummaged through everything, tore many of them, spilled wine; I called them vipers to myself and a little out loud, worthless puppies. I have sinned! I repent and ask the Lord for mercy. Grant, Lord, to preserve my spiritual integrity, to reject all anger, to despise material harm, to honor children as innocent, as having committed a crime out of stupidity, without malicious intent. But you still need to set a warning so that they don’t do any mischief in the future. My wife is to blame for indulging them and for supporting them; because of her, all the disgrace is happening in the house. But God grant me not to be angry with her either: she doesn’t see much, she has fallen into extreme one-sidedness: besides these children, she knows no one and nothing; she loves them blindly, extremely partial. I thank You, O most merciful Lord, for You have extinguished my wrath against the children, whose is the Kingdom of Heaven [Luke 18:16]; I, Lord, have committed a great sin before You, that I became embittered with them, crazy, for damaging things and scattering books in the closet; I showed that I have no love for my neighbor, being upset over perishable things and in general because of faults, mischief, insults, and human errors. Love is patient, endures all, covers all, and never fails [ 1 Cor. 13:4–8 ]. March 16. Well, why did I, the ugly one, eat fish and black bread late last night? I didn’t intend to eat, but I ate! Why? Because they served it on the table. O man without a will! I remembered the word of the Holy Apostle Paul, which also applies to me: “you went to silent idols as if you were led” [1 Cor. 12:2]. Oh, shameful slavery! Oh, negligence about the immortal soul, about its eternal salvation! And the passions! More and more and more intensified. But the disembodied enemy reigns more and more in us! I am irresponsible! Have mercy, Lord! Glory to the Christian faith, which tames our passions, delivers us from spiritual death, from confusion, sorrow, oppression, shame, darkness, spiritual powerlessness and gives through repentance and faith remission of sins, peace, freedom, boldness, strength, sanctification, enlightenment. Glory to the faith of Christ, which teaches and bestows spiritual strength to despise earthly goods and carnal pleasures for the sake of acquiring spiritual, eternal goods. Faith is an invaluable treasure for a person in this world. This faith is instilled, supported, increased and strengthened by the Holy Church with its divine services, rituals, and Sacraments in its circular daily, weekly and annual worship. I treat the poor proudly, sternly, obstinately, forcedly, reluctantly, but I must always treat them humbly, meekly, kindly, willingly, with a cheerful face, remembering the sacrament of alms: “just as you did it to one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did it to me” [Matthew 25:40]. Yesterday evening I ate late in the evening herring and partly smoked herring: today my mouth feels like tar, my body feels sated, rough, heavy. How long will I worship idols? How long is God's womb? Lord, most merciful! Until now you have been merciful, you have been patient with me, you have not broken the broken reed through death, and you have not quenched the flax [Matthew 12:20]. But always grant me tearful contrition and deep attention to myself, so that I may keep Your commandments. If we looked at every person, especially a Christian, with the eyes of faith, then what a wonderful internal and external structure our life would receive, how many sins, dispositions and sinful inclinations we would get rid of; So, if we looked at everyone as brothers in Christ, as the image of God, as members of Christ, as churches of God, as branches of the Vine of Christ, then we would always wish everyone well as we would ourselves, would not have envy or hostility towards each other, would not look fornicatingly at the beauty created by such a Creator of all beauty in the world, but would reverently ascend to Him always, would not hide in our treasures of money and all kinds of goods, when there are so many beggars, hungry, sick, crippled, young and old homeless, widows, orphans; they would not be satiated, they would not get drunk when there are so many hungry and thirsty for a drop of refreshing drink, but, somewhat depriving themselves in this regard, they would give the surplus to the poor; If they didn’t block someone else’s path to prosperity, they wouldn’t be proud. We would not steal from others, we would not recognize faces, or we would not be partial, discerning the faces of beautiful and ugly, noble and simple, rich and poor, but we would honor everyone equally in Christ and for Christ and love them equally. March 17. The many-merciful and all-powerful Lord performed an abyss of mercy and miracles of His power in me, a sinner: during the Midnight Office and Matins, up to “God the Lord” inclusive, or, more accurately, to the end, the Lord repeatedly delivered me through my prayer from the villainy of invisible enemies who sought to devour me - and oh! how bitter they made me feel before the Great Litany! But the Lord struck them down with a high arm while speaking the great litany and scattered them like smoke. During the Lenten hours, precisely at the end of the third hour, the enemy mortally wounded my heart with pity for the carpet I had purchased for the altar for the archpriest during his services, because he locked the entire sacristy, all the utensils and did not give it for use - but the Lord convicted me, allowing me to be greatly wounded by Belial for my addiction to things, and moreover, during the heavenly service in the church and during the reading of the Gospel, in which it says: “Why are you worried about clothes?.. The nations of this world are looking for all these things” [Matthew 6:28–32]. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from all temptations and allowed me to perform services without stumbling. Hallelujah. I thank the Lord, who saved me even now after dinner from hostility towards my wife for problems in the household, especially in the dining room. I thank the Lord, who has tamed my stifling anger towards my wife for her unrepentant hatred towards my nephew, her ill will, her grumpiness and intransigence to my just demands. Having repented, I gave myself, her and each other and my whole life to Christ God, our head, Shepherd and visitor of our souls, and became completely calm and enlightened in soul and face. Glory to the Lord, who tames our passions through repentance and the prayer of faith and gives us grace, mercy and peace. March 18. Friday of the sixth week of Lent. I thank the Lord, the shepherd and visitor of our souls, who created peace between me and my wife, which was broken by a hostile and contemptuous attitude towards my nephew. I was embarrassed, the oppression overwhelmed me, but, having prayed to the Lord and betrayed myself and my nephew and my wife to Him, I calmed down and then soon saw how my wife softened and miraculously changed. Glory to the Lord! And I have experienced this many, many times. Let us not take revenge on our enemies for ourselves, but let us pray to the Lord for them, and He will create the works of peace. But we are passionate and do not know how to satisfy for ourselves, we add evil to evil, disease to illness, new ardor to ardor, and trouble to misfortune. March 18. Friday. After the Presanctified Mass. I saw the processions of Your mercy and power in me, O Lord my God, during the service of the hours, Vespers, and Liturgy. Before the service, I felt sorrow, crampedness, and fear. The power of demons due to some hostility towards my wife for yesterday’s anger towards her nephew - it means that I, senseless, repaid her with anger for anger. However, at home I repented of this to the Lord and condemned myself, asking for mercy, and in church, deliberately falling to the throne of God, but hostility continued to nest and in my heart there was sorrow, melancholy, crampedness, spiritual death. That is why I could not pronounce, or was afraid to pronounce, the troparia of the third and sixth hours. The enemy stopped me, and when reading the Gospel in some places he missed words; after every failure, agony with the enemy, I prayed earnestly to the Lord. He pronounced the troparion of the ninth hour completely and then read the Gospel well and pronounced the prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian loudly and completely. But he lowered it after “Let it be corrected” and after the transfer of the Holy Gifts. Then he read the prayer behind the pulpit well, everyone said his leave, except for the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky. I read all the prayers before the sermon and addressed the people slowly. Glory to the Lord! The Sacrament of Communion greatly encouraged me. God! Forgive me my sin that I did not cover the sins of my wife, but revealed them to two sitting at the table: the woman Kromido and the girl Balykina - those sins that my wife is evil and stingy for my nephew and for everyone not of her blood, who do not do her any benefit with their labors or offerings. I repent, Lord, that I did not act out of love. But let me cover her sins, pray for her and not tell anyone about them, let me praise her for her many good sides, for her good qualities and good feelings and dispositions, and for her deeds themselves. May her good prevail over evil. Lord, do this. After a fish dinner with a roll and tea during Compline and Confession, I felt unwell: there were horns in my sides; fish and bread strengthen your stomach, but fish in general weighs heavily on your heart. I suffered from this tightness within myself. There were 154 confessors. Finished confession at nine o'clock, started at four. I thank the Lord for your help in such an important matter of confession. We do a lot at confession: teaching the faith and the laws of Christian morality, reproof, punishment (penance), healing, prayer, permission or binding. Lutherans and English have confirmation 70. Know the immortality and eternity of the human soul in evil spirits: here they live for about eight thousand years in peace, and before the existence of the world, they probably lived for a long time, now they live and constantly play dirty tricks in the world and all with the same power, even with greater power of evil. And the human soul, like the Angels, is also created in the image of God, rational, free, immortal. So, the word of God is true that “God is not the God of the dead, but of the living, for with Him all live” [Luke 20:38]. Strive for blessed immortality. All-seeing power, Father, Son and Holy Soul, Holy Trinity, save us who faithfully worship Your endless Kingdom! March 19. March 19. Lazarus resurrection. After mass, before vespers. Christ God was gloriously glorified in me during the liturgy, when in me [there was] the greatest sorrow and oppression, as much from the excess of food and juices and from the strength of the stomach, as much, or more, from the adversary. I approached the Lord, fell several times with faith, boldness and perseverance for deliverance from crampedness and the rolling away of the stone from my heart, for the resurrection of me, like Lazarus, a four-day dead man, and a miracle happened: the crampedness disappeared, a clear, loud voice came from somewhere, coming from the depths of my heart, and I performed the liturgy without stumbling, loudly, “In the first memory” I said everything in the pulpit the whole prayer, let go of everyone, except the holy apostles, saints of the day and John Chrysostom, and after communion of the Holy Mysteries, I felt a life-giving, all-blessed fire in me, and my soul rejoiced in the salvation of the Lord, triumphed over the enemies of salvation. Wonderful work of Your daily salvation, Lord! Do not be upset that the same beggars often come to you for alms and, perhaps, many deceive you. Your alms do not lose their value. The Lord Himself, who accepts and through an unworthy beggar, as it seems to you, will reward you according to your wealth. His words do not go unnoticed. March 20. Yesterday I served the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church in Duma; The grace of the Holy Spirit brought an abyss of people into the church: it was hot, stuffy, crowded, there was a strong crush. But I had a crush of hostility inside me, so I could barely speak and couldn’t sing at all. And it serves me right, the damned one! Having consumed the Holy Gifts at the Liturgy yesterday, I should have eaten nothing until the all-night vigil, but, as if to spite myself, I ate, although not much, three times: in two places - at the birthday girl’s and at the communicant’s, and at the house of empty cabbage soup without bread, and then I also drank tea. Lenten pies strengthened my stomach, and most importantly, made me satiated, and this satiety and strength of the stomach were reflected in the throat nerves. My soul felt like a stranger inside me, I couldn’t control myself and that was why I was tormented. I prayed to God, but the Lord, offended by me without number, left me in the hands of the opposite forces, whose destructive will I always fulfill, the damned one. Alas for me, a sinner! I did not fast throughout Lent and was a slave to my womb, a playground of demons. What grace could I have acquired by fasting, and what grace could I have lost through my intemperance! By the grace of God, I could gain victory over the demons who mock me, for this kind does not come except through prayer and fasting [Matthew 17:21], but now they often gain the upper hand over me, overpowering me. But, Lord, Lord, do not destroy me for the sake of my countless sins, but be patient with me, a sinner, and have an abyss of mercies, for Your mercies are shown to sinners. “If you save a righteous man, it is nothing great, and if you have mercy on a pure man, nothing is wondrous, you are worthy of Thy mercy, but on me, a sinner,” again and again, “surprise Your mercy... may my malice not overcome Your unspeakable goodness and mercy” 71. So, because of intemperance and satiety, yesterday I was subjected to extreme cramped conditions, confusion and voicelessness! And rightly so, I’ll say it again! Adam once fell into the heat of corruption 72, but did not have that food, that incorruptible, most pure, heavenly Food that I have, I mean the Most Pure Body and the Most Pure Blood of the Lord; and I, having a heavenly, life-giving, incorruptible Brush, daily chase after the corruptible, I please my belly, I am satiated, I get drunk. What am I worthy of, multi-passionate, ungrateful, insensitive, earth-loving, earth-swift? What do you need to love in yourself and in others? – Not the body, but the soul in the image and likeness of God: the flesh is corruptible and multi-passionate and requires mortification and some negligence when it comes to fulfilling its lusts or addiction to it. Flesh is temporary clothing, the shell of the soul. Look not at the clothes, not at the shell, but at the one that is surrounded by this shell, covered with this clothing. Because of addiction to the flesh, how terribly the soul is neglected, how pitifully the soul moves away from God and is deprived of His life-giving grace and power. This is my trouble: I am devoted to the world and its lusts, I have a fusion with the world, above which I ask to be in prayers to the Lady Theotokos with the words: “I have surpassed the fusion of the world.” 73 And how much trouble this causes for the soul, this heavenly citizen! He who lives outside the vain world, that is, its cares, is above all sorrows, for he has placed his hope in one God. Flesh and blood do not show you the secrets and knowledge of the spirit, for good does not live in the flesh, but evil. How can she give you what she doesn't have? All good thoughts and feelings are from God, especially purely good deeds. Why am I jealous of the vain glory of this world? I have within me the King of Glory Himself when I partake of the Holy Mysteries, and this happens very often; He is in me and always remains. What glory is higher than this - to have within yourself the immortal, omnipotent, beginningless King of glory, to Whom alone glory belongs, from Whom is all good glory! His grace, in me cleansing sins, sanctifying, reviving, enlightening, beautifying, peace-giving, spreading my soul, confirming it, evangelizing, uplifting me - this is my glory and joy! The Lord honored me with His incarnation, His deification - am I neglecting this honor? Is this honor not enough for me that I am looking for the vain, transitory honors of this world? This is worldly adulterous love, adulterous, godless honor, the glory of this world. Let the friends of the world seek it, use it, and the servant of the Lord must deeply humble himself, looking at his deep fall, corruption by sin, he must clothe himself in sackcloth, and not in the scarlet of the insignia of the order; he must wear mourning, mourning for his soul, that it has fallen away from God, given itself over to His enemy and perishes daily in sins. The church of God, especially the altar, is an earthly heaven, and hitherto I come to it with earthly passions, skills, with indulgences to the powerful and rich of the world and even with fear of them. But I must finally be heavenly, important, majestic, firm, unshakable in the church. The Lord most especially demands from a priest holiness, perfection, renewal of life, as from a shepherd and a doctor and a performer of the Mysteries and an earthly angel. “Be ye therefore perfect, even as …” [Matthew 5:48]. “Be holy...” [1 Peter 1:16]. Let us begin to walk “newly of life” [Rom.6:4]. Palm Sunday. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform the Divine Liturgy and deliver the sermon of Metropolitan Gregory in the tenderness of my heart, with the consciousness of my spiritual poverty, poverty, wretchedness. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over invisible enemies, over fear, fear, false shame, doubt and cowardice, which they put into my heart. It was at Compline. With boldness he pronounced dismissal, forgiveness and litany. I had not yet loved the truth and hated lawlessness, and I myself gave many guilts to the sin that lived in me, especially through intemperance, delicacy, drunkenness, overeating, looking, imagining, reading books and newspapers. I cursed my wife and sister-in-law in an irritated state; an unlike sin in a dream from voluptuousness in the evening, but with tears, however, washed by many with grace. March 22. I thank the Lord for the wonderful revival by the Divine Mysteries after the terrible, prolonged cramped conditions and sorrows for my gluttony throughout the mass (at Archpriest Saltykov and Ekaterina Step.), March 21, Monday. I thank the Lord for His great powers and for His victory over invisible enemies during Matins and during the hours, Vespers and Presanctified Liturgy. The Lord repeatedly stopped the flames of hellish fire in me, drove away sorrows and oppression, and many times granted me victory over the invisible hordes of villains. But at the end of the mass, because of the singers, I was greatly disturbed in spirit just before communion for the discordant singing, the bad behavior of some, and for the lack of singing and silence during my communion. Because of this anger towards them, I almost broke down completely mentally: I was very excited, barely read the prayer behind the pulpit, and stole my release, saying only the last words. After that I felt cramped and sad for a long time, but after using the Holy Gifts I felt good. I shrank a lot before consuming it from the internal thorns and thorns of sin. Yesterday's tea and delicacy [from the fruit] did me a lot of harm. During Compline, the Lord also showed me a lot of mercy and salvation: for the love of money and stinginess with the beggar, suffering in cramped conditions and shuddering a lot, I begged the Lord for a long time and strongly to deliver me, to pacify me, to spread and have mercy, and the Lord saved me miraculously, powerfully: the cramped conditions and sorrow passed, it became calm, spacious, I sang, read, spoke kindly, loudly, heartily. Only I didn’t ask for forgiveness from the laity properly: I stole it, and stole the litany - I was offended for that, but again I begged the Lord to let go and forgive me for my involuntary sin. I was at the gymnasium, talking to the inspector [about the lack of attention] to me from the authorities regarding encouragement with some kind of sign. Because of this, I was again wounded internally (it is a sin to seek earthly differences), and I walked along the road in cramped conditions; At home I again bowed to the Lord’s mercy, and I came to life. O hypostatic life of all, Lord, glory to Thee! Glory to the grace of Christ, life-giving, omnipotent: it has restored many times my bodily health, lost by intemperance or other disorders, and the health of the soul, shaken and upset incessantly by sins, restores without number, equal to the sand of the sea, and until now only by the grace of God I am saved and healthy, otherwise I would have perished long ago! I praise the Lord! Do you, Christian, always turn with sincere prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos, the all-powerful Queen Mother and Intercessor of all Christians? In the most important matter, in the matter of salvation, deliverance from sin and love of God and virtue, do you pray to Her with all your heart for help? That you should hate every sin with all your heart and love truth and virtue, eternal life, in order to see the eternal and unspeakable glory of Christ? Do you trustfully talk with Her, as with matter, or insincerely, distrustfully, coldly, slyly? Look, [attend] yourself firmly in such an important matter. March 23. Great Wednesday. Alas for me, wretched one! The devil sowed anger against Ekaterina Gerasimovna Stepanova today during Matins during the censing of the church while singing “Behold the Groom...” for her real or imaginary pride. An amazing way is to heal evil with evil, pride with malice: one stands for the other. But the fact is that Catherine is a good servant of God, pious, loving the house of God, hospitable. And if the neck does not bend, then it depends on physical conditions. I barely overcame my anger with the prayer of repentance, and then not completely, and while reading the Gospel I was confused and in demonic fear, I missed many words. But thanks be to the God of mercy, generosity and love for mankind, who saved me from malice. There was evil suspicion towards the big black singer for his whispering and suspicious glances when reading the prayer “Christ, the True Light”; I didn’t say goodbye. I have sinned against the Lord. Have mercy on me, help me. Yesterday evening I ate prosphora with cucumber and drank sweet tea, and from this the enemy gained great power over me for gluttony and satiety. I went to the bathhouse, and the bathhouse relaxed my heart. Do you think that he or she is always so angry, crafty, irritable, unavailable? This is the temporary agony of evil. He (or she) can also be very kind, benevolent, helpful, affectionate (on the occasion of great evil from Anna Konstantinovna or from me and others). It is common for a sinner to change. He is not always good, but he is not always evil and wicked: there are hours of sobriety, tenderness, kindness, love, generosity. March 23. I repent before the Lord that I acted cruelly with a drunken beggar who came to my apartment a second time after being driven away by his family to brazenly demand alms for his new drunkenness. I pulled him down the stairs by his hair and then by his rags. Then he ran away when the janitor, at my request, came out to take him to the police, leaving a prop on my stairs. The beggar is half crazy, he does not control himself - it is a sin to treat him cruelly [...]. We must spare the drunken man, who, according to the proverb, is knee-deep in the sea and is not clearly aware of his actions. March 24. I loudly preach the great mercy, the great grace of God, given to me during Matins on Holy Thursday; since the night I had spiritual powerlessness, sorrow, melancholy, and crampedness due to the possession of the heart of an invisible enemy; I was embarrassed, I was afraid in the ministry, I don’t know what, I was like on coals or on pins and needles. But when I cried out to the Lord with all my heart for my salvation, the saving hand of the Lord immediately appeared in me, and I was delivered from invisible evildoers and I read the day’s Gospel perfectly, the canon read well, with the exception of - alas! – familiar words and expressions from both the Bible and the Gospel; the stichera were praising and the verses were also sung well. But again the enemy caught me before the prayer “Christ, the True Light,” I ordered the singers, even before singing, to begin singing “To the Chosen Voivode,” as soon as I began to say this prayer; I stole my release out of fear of the enemy - and again there was sorrow and oppression and shame. But again the Lord forgave for repentance. And when, having confessed the merchant Lebedev, I did not, out of demonic fear, say a prayer of permission, then again the enemy greatly wounded me; when I confessed the singing boys, I was upset that there was no reward (cursed Judas), and when I confessed them, my heart was carried away after the reward and it was not with these children of God, the singers of the glory of God, these angels in the flesh. I sold the damned Christ, like Judas, for pieces of silver. Following this, I prayed for a long time in the church during the hours and mass, which was celebrated by Father Pavel Trachevsky, and I left the church in crowded conditions and walked along the road in crowded conditions; but at home, when I prayed to the Lord with all my heart, the Lord, again having mercy, granted peace and freedom, freeing me from oppression and sorrow. Glory to the Lord! Oh, partiality and accursed bribery! Oh, gluttony and satiety! Because of the womb, all my troubles, all the long-term violence of the enemy, all the intrigues and ridicule of me. March 24. Maundy Thursday. After late mass. Before the liturgy and during the liturgy, the terrible tightness of the spirit of malice terribly insidious in me, especially the reminder of my cruel act yesterday with a drunken beggar, who came at twelve o’clock in the morning, plunged me into despair. I threw myself face down on the holy throne many times. The actions of evil spirits were greatly helped by the fact that my stomach was strengthened from yesterday's rice porridge and almond milk (at night). After communion of the Holy Mysteries it became easy. After the all-night vigil of Great Friday and the Annunciation together. I thank the Lord and exalt with all my heart for the indescribably great gift of His grace, which drove away from me Satan’s burning and oppressive despair and the malice of this fallen spirit that troubled me, and gave me the abundant grace of peace, tenderness, and warmth of heart when reading the twelve Gospels. I am satisfied with the blessings of my Lord. March 25. Great Heel. Annunciation. I thank the Lord, who worked His miracles in me from morning to evening. After a prayer service with Lev Alex.Alexandrov, the bailiff, where the enemy greatly wounded me, I raised my heartfelt eyes to the Lord, praying for mercy, and by faith I brought the Lord into the heart, and the Lord drove away my enemies, who oppressed and embarrassed me, and I felt good and at ease. In the Assumption Church, the Lord girded me with His strength, again taking away the weakness and tightness from my soul, and I served cheerfully, tenderly, reverently. At the great entrance he made a significant victory over the enemy, the Holy Synod and His Grace the Metropolitan remembered. After communion he became wonderfully alive; the enemy hesitated, killing my soul, but by the power of the cross and the most pure Mysteries he again took victory over the enemy; he said the prayers before communion briskly, forcefully, touchingly; I did well on my vacation. Every thought of the mind, every movement, feeling of the heart, every bodily sin has defiled us with its vile, corrupting breath: the face, eyes, nose, mouth, arms, legs, especially the noble ones, the secret parts, buttocks - everything has been defiled by lust and seduction, and everything through our heart. The heart is the seat of impurity. “From the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, fornication, theft, false witness, blasphemy” [Matthew 15:19]. God, cleanse us sinners and save us. The condition of a sinful person, and me in particular, is worthy of constant tears throughout my life. I must constantly humble myself deeply, be quiet, meek and never raise my eyebrows high, but at the same time I must be kind, courageous, trustworthy, open, without any appearance of despondency. Lord Jesus Christ, my God, cleanse me and save me. You came into the world to save sinners. Let me put on You, Your truth, holiness, love. Varvara Dmitrievna Kozlyaninova is remarkable for her false, materialistic view of sexual relations, her false, crooked interpretation of the Savior’s words: “Ask and it will be given to you” [Matthew 7:7; Luke 11:9). She applies these words to the body of her own or another woman; if someone asks for her body in mad passion, in her opinion, as if in extreme need, then she must give herself. Oh, satanic thought! Oh damn thought! She brought confusion to me too and aroused in me an unclean, stifling and corporeal movement. She, it seems, infected her deceased daughter with her false views on things, for the deceased prematurely corrupted herself with her fiancé. And my God! What is left of her beauty? – Nothing: bones and ugly [skin]. March 26. Holy Saturday. I thank my wonderfully merciful Lord, who despised my sins for my small repentance with tears of tenderness during the liturgy and gave me the grace to perform the entire Divine service without stumbling (at the great entrance I pronounced all the names of the royal house - thank God! “In the first remember, Lord” also all; exclamation, the entire prayer behind the pulpit, dismissal too) and to receive communion for the resurrection, life and joy, peace and space of the soul of the Divine Mysteries. Glory to Your miracles, O Lord, glory! I thank the Lord, who has given me the strength to overcome the vain fear of humans and demons. The church is an image of that tabernacle 74 of God with men, which Saint John the Theologian saw in a vision and about which a loud voice from heaven spoke to him, saying: “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them; they will be His people, and God Himself with them will be their God” [Rev.21:3]. Faithful children of Russia! Pray to God with all your heart, may He expand it more and more, may He establish it, may it plant true faith and piety in it, may the Kingdom of God spread and be established in this way on earth, for in Russia the true Church of God, the Kingdom of God, is flourishing. “All power has been given to Me in heaven and on earth” [Matthew 28:18]. With this authority, the Lord appoints pastors of the Church, priests and pastors subordinate to them - priests and deacons, performs all the Sacraments: Baptism, or renewal by water and the Spirit, Confirmation, or the administration of the Holy Spirit, transforms bread and wine into His Body and Blood with the Holy Spirit, forgives sins with the Holy Spirit, blesses the unions of husbands and wives, heals illnesses in the mystery of the Blessing of Unction - this with omnipotent power He protects, strengthens, and spreads His Church on earth; with this omnipotent power He preserved His Church in the first centuries of its existence, centuries of terrible persecution and torment of His followers; With this omnipotent power, He still protects and delivers each of us from sins and enemies, visible and invisible. I sinned before the Lord - I was kindled with indignation at my wife because of an empty thing, because she transported a lamp or lamp immediately after me, when I had done it well; I hit my hand hard. Impatience! March 29. I thank the many-merciful and all-generous Lord, who gave me the grace to celebrate the good liturgy on Holy Pascha on the first day together with Father Peter Klepachevsky, although under temptation from vile and crafty demons, but victoriously by the grace of God. God said everything through prayers in response to the deacon, although the devil instilled his vain fear; the release said all loudly. Glory to You, who sent me away in peace and Your people with me! March 30 and 31. I thank the Lord, who has delivered me many times these days from the violence of evil lusts, from their uncleanness, their oppression and shame. [...] I was unfair in my anger and indignation towards my brother, Priest Peter, because he did not go to the customs for the christening: he was busy; and what right do I have to be angry with my brother at all, not to mention a priest of equal honor to me? I sinned against the Lord and before my brethren. Doilitsa (Church Slavic) – nurse, teacher. Confirmation (from Latin “affirmation, strengthening”) - among Catholics, the Sacrament of Confirmation, performed necessarily by a bishop and not simultaneously with Baptism, as among the Orthodox, but in the later years of childhood and adolescence. For Protestants who do not recognize the Sacrament of Confirmation, confirmation consists of a confession of faith by the person being confirmed (usually aged 13–16) (with the apostolic symbol at its core), a promise to be faithful to the Evangelical Church, a moral speech by the pastor, and a prayer read by the pastor. According to their teaching, the strengthening power of the Holy Spirit is communicated not in Confirmation, but in the first communion, which they call confirmation. Prayer of Saint John of Damascus from the sequence of prayers for the sleep of the future. Irmos of the 9th canon of the canon of touching to our Lord Jesus Christ. Prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos from the sequence of morning prayers. Tabernacle (Church Glav.) – tent, hut, canopy.