Ноябрь 1876 г.

November 1st. I thank the Lord for celebrating the Liturgy late yesterday on Sunday, for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the boldness and strength in speaking about the Proskomedia. At the great entrance, the enemy confused my heart and weakened me with vain fear, and embraced me with his abomination. The Holy Synod did not remember Metropolitan Isidore as it should, did not say “to your holy churches, whole, honest, healthy, long-lived” for relaxation from the enemy. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit cheerfully and solemnly. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great violence of the enemy, from the great sorrow and distress before the wedding of Lieutenant-Captain 51 Andrei Nikolaevich Tolbushin with Anna Stewart and who gave me the grace to perform the marriage solemnly, loudly. However, I didn’t read the end of the Gospel regarding the action of the enemy, I didn’t read the whole prayer for the blessing of wine: the invisible thief stole and generally stole many words; after the bride and groom walked around in a circle, he did not say greetings to them from the book; I did not speak the blessings of the Most Holy Trinity with [devoted] words, afraid to show my face to the people and speak the beautiful, wonderful words of the Church; I didn’t say prayers for the permission of the crowns, I didn’t say the final prayers, I only said the final prayers for dismissal. Complete it yourself, all-good, cheerful and all-powerful Lord, and from now on strengthen me not to hide a single word and not to be afraid of people unknown and familiar. God! Eradicate from my heart the evil feeling of envy of the author of the manual on the Law of God, Father Alexander Pavlovich Rudakov, who sells his manuals dearly and has amassed great wealth. Behold, I repent before You, Knower of the Heart, and ask You for mercy, that I may be healed and not be jealous, but that I myself strive to write a practical guide to worship. November 1st. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to celebrate the Liturgy cheerfully and partake of the life-giving, wonderful, Divine Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood. Glory to His mercy! I thank the Lord for the good, life-giving change brought about in my sin-dead soul and in the soul of the extremely drunk sexton Zrelov. I, a sinner, did not know how to heal him, who was spiritually sick, I was angry, embittered with him before the reprimand, during the reprimand and after the reprimand, I was embarrassed to the extreme - so I could not serve. Then he condemned himself in the evening, prayed that the Lord would heal me, a mad doctor, according to the word of Scripture: “Physician, heal yourself” [Luke 4:23], and when, after repentance and heartfelt prayer, the Lord healed me, I prayed for His goodness that He would heal Reader Zrelov Himself; I surrendered myself and him to the will of God, according to the word of the Church: “we will surrender ourselves, and each other, and our whole life to Christ our God,” and the Lord accomplished the work of admonition, reproof, and correction in the best possible way. I thank His all-good, all-effective, fatherly providence, which preserves and corrects us, subject to the fierce leprosy of sin, which kills our souls and bodies. A wonderful person; a woman or a maiden is beautiful, a man is also beautiful - how much more beautiful is the Lord God, who created man in His image and likeness. They admire the beauty of a woman and forget about her Creator, about the first Beauty, which gave beauty to everything, to every creation. So, marvel at God, love God with all your heart, and with all your will and strength, strive to unite with Him, and do not idolize female beauty. Women's feelings are especially tender, receptive, and disposed to love. – Teachers and parents! Turn this feminine feeling towards God, and you will make them happy and blissful; let this feeling not be defiled by vain, impure love or vain attachments - let all men, who often abuse women’s feelings, remember Who in a woman’s nature took upon Himself flesh “and the child was before the world our God” 52 . Let both men and women marvel at the great, wonderful works of God and respect their nature, keeping themselves from the aphids of sin. November 1st. I thank the Lord for [prosperity] for me in the past day, especially for reconciliation with the sexton Zrelov; The Lord performed a miracle through my prayer. I thank the Lord for the unfailing celebration of the Liturgy and for the wonderful grace of revival and sanctification by the Divine Mysteries - for the good lesson, for the vespers, which were unfailingly perfect, for the baptism. Glory to the Lord who strengthens me. Three o'clock in the afternoon. I sinned by becoming angry with the beggar and sending him to hell - in a loud voice. Created in the image of God, redeemed by the priceless blood of Christ, a member of Christ, a child of Christ, I sent to hell, from which the Lord redeemed us at such a dear price! Oh, madness! Oh, rage! Oh, love of money! Oh, impatience! Oh, dislike! I condemn myself with all my heart, and with all my mind, and with all my strength! Have mercy on me, Lord! November 5th. I thank the Lord, who surprised me yesterday with His great mercy in the stumbling-free, loud service of the Liturgy and, especially, in the wonderful revival upon communion of the Divine Mysteries; then he delivered me from the temptation of the archpriest (Father Paul) and relieved me of tightness and embarrassment. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of great boldness and Divine sweetness when performing Matins, especially when reading the canons of the day from the Octoechos and from the Menaion of the Month. I thank the Lord for the wealth of consolation, faith, hope, tenderness. Oh, how great it is to be a member of the Church and always glorify the Lord, the Most Pure Mother of God, the Angelic powers and all the saints of God! You feel that you are not alone, but that you form a small link in this wonderful, life-giving chain of God - a living stone in this divine building, in the Church of God. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me through the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I sinned before the Lord by despising gluttony and lust for the sake of my brother Ivan Fidelin, created, like me, in the image, but disfigured by illness and deprived of light in the eyes and beauty of vision; co-redeemed, co-member of Christ, partaker of the Body and Blood of Christ, born of water and the Spirit, sealed with the seal of the Holy Spirit, joint heir of the Kingdom of Christ. Having sinned, I became proud. The Lord remembered my old sins for my frequent gluttony. I was extremely embarrassed and oppressed by the ethereal enemy with hostility and malice towards my nephew Ivan Fidelin for his ugliness, pockmarks, crookedness (no eyes), clumsiness, and yet he is a meek, fair, hardworking, obedient, helpful, kind person; he is a member of Christ, a partaker of His Body and Blood; he is in the image and likeness. “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” [1 Samuel 16:7]. But partiality is very deceptive and is a sin. How much we all, descendants of Adam, sin with partiality and how we make mistakes in assessing people! Lenten food was extremely difficult for me yesterday, especially cod and the indigenous fish in vinaigrette - sturgeon. I suffered a lot because of her during the evening meal and after it: irritability, extreme anger, tightness, weakness in my voice. Forward on fasting days, be content with bread and water or tea with black bread or gingerbread. That’s why, because of appearances, we completely neglect the internal and live in the external, and not in the internal world; we neglect internal qualities, giving superiority to appearance, which is so short-lived. Hypocrites! Hypocrites! We have no enlightened hearts! The eyes of our hearts are blinded by the passions of life, and I am the first. But “all glory to the king’s daughter,” that is, to the human soul, is within [Ps. 44:14], and not outside, not in the body. Think, my soul, daughter of the King of Heaven! What are your hobbies? Who do you serve? Is it worthy of you to chase appearances? But look: because of your unattractive appearance, you despise the image of God in man, you hate man in vain! What injustice! What a shame! And how do we grieve the humane womb of God with this, how do we offend the Holy Spirit, of whom we are churches? Oh, away with appearances! May I look beyond her to the inner man, may I not sin so grievously before God! Yesterday I suffered mentally also because of Udaltsov, because of his contempt, his arrogance, that he does not greet when meeting and does not respect the sacred rank, neglecting Christ Himself in him, that is, in this rank. I prayed to the Lord to bring down his pride. November 7. Yesterday during the All-Night Vigil and today during the Matins the enemy killed me because of a new silver watch that I took from master Andrei [A...]. It was extremely painful to be deprived of the grace of God, which had previously revived me spiritually; my heart was, as it were, shackled with cold iron armor; it was cold, weak, sad, and fearful. Truly, where our treasure is, there is our heart [Matthew 6:21]. And such an insignificant thing killed all spiritual interests, faith, hope, love for God and people, the desire for higher, imperishable treasures. It took a lot of compulsion, repentance, prayers, tears, sighs to get rid of this terrible misfortune of spiritual mortification. Yesterday I added a new madness to the madness: I ate meat cutlets with milk, which has not happened for a long time, and even more hardened my heart - and when is that? After receiving the Holy Mysteries multiple times. Oh, inattention! Oh madness! Oh, ingratitude! Oh, disgusting! The Lord miraculously revived me every day with His Life-giving Mysteries, and through gluttony and satiety and love of money I again killed my soul, redeemed and redeemed many times over by the life-giving Mysteries. My heart should be the throne of God, the heaven of heaven, or a flaming and fragrant censer, a flame of love for God and people - but what have I done and am doing with it? A cattle stable, a receptacle for unclean passions. My soul! You are the image of God, you are the royal bride, the royal daughter, the church of the Living God: only the Lord should possess you, and not the world, not the devil with his abominations, lies, malice, pride, and you must possess yourself, rule over all passions. Everything on earth should be rubbish for you, trampled under foot: gold, and silver, and precious fabrics, and everything beautiful and precious, even physical beauty, as perishable, should be disdained - you must love the imperishable, spiritual, eternal beauty of the Bridegroom Christ; priceless precious stone - Christ and pure gold - Christ. Christianity is so sublime, so holy that we must have a pure mind and a pure heart in order to contemplate, comprehend and love it with all our hearts and taste its sweetest fruits, therefore our heart should not be possessed by pride, envy, greed and hard-heartedness, voluptuousness, vanity, ambition, guile, or intemperance, but humility, sincere goodwill, non-covetousness, mercy, abstinence and fasting. Yesterday I ate fish pie at Ivan Ivanov’s, and meat at home in the evening - and as I thought, that’s what happened: my throat became blocked, I became hoarse, voiceless from the excess of thick food. I know, I know it! The Lady Theotokos is holy, as the Lord God is holy, merciful, as the Lord is merciful. “Be holy, for holy am I the Lord your God” [Lev.19:2]; “Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful [Luke 6:36]. She is perfect, just as the Heavenly Father is perfect. “Be perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect” [Matthew 5:48]. November 7. Sunday after mass. I thank the Lord, who performed a sign for my good before mass during the reading of akathists to the Savior and the Mother of God and the canons to the Savior and the holy Guardian Angel in abundant tears of tenderness and in the peace and space of spirit that followed from them, and during mass in stumbling-free service, although in the struggle with opposing forces, especially in the communion of the life-giving Mysteries, with which I was wonderful revived. (My right leg hurt a lot today after mass, but it got better at home.) Lord! Remember the young woman Anastasia, and seek the lost one, and return her to her house; remove from her the unreasonable, evil curse of her mother and save her. Amen. November 8. I sinned before the Lord and before people by speaking very harshly about my former comrade, Father Archpriest Matthew, in the apartment of Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov. With my harsh review of him, I provoked a protest from Elisaveta Mikhailovna, my spiritual daughter, who threatened to leave me and go to another confessor. I must learn in advance not to speak unworthy speeches about a brother who left the world and took on a monastic form and at the same time, perhaps, deeply condemned himself and was pardoned by God. If God accepted him, forgiving his sins, then who am I to condemn him! Yes, I will not harshly condemn my brother in the future, and in order not to give others temptation; it is necessary to cover up their shortcomings, for “love covers all things” [1 Cor. 13:7], it tolerates everything, does not think or speak evil about a brother. I must judge myself strictly every day. Forgive me for what has passed by, Lord! May the sisters of Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov forgive me my sin. I sincerely repent, my Lord, Lord! And I know that there is no sin that overcomes Your love for mankind! But may I myself continue to be philanthropic towards my brothers. After all, they can talk bad about me - but would that please me? I don’t want this for myself, and I don’t want this for my brother, and with my harsh reviews, I don’t want others to make harsh comments about me. November 8. I thank You, most merciful and merciful Lord, for Your powers, manifested in me in delivering me from great infirmities of spirit and body during the prayer service in the fourth crew of the sailors, at the meeting of officers and lower ranks, and in granting me boldness, vigor and courage, warmth and freedom of heart. I thank You for Your mercies shown to me in the service of the Liturgy, especially in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, which revived me; Then, when I stumbled from fear and weakness of spirit and body while saying the dismissal, You again, through my prayer, raised up and strengthened my soul, giving me a sense of dignity and the boldness to read without stumbling the Gospel about the tares of the countryside. I thank you, for being a sinner, you have mercy on me and helped me. All the variety and all the ritualism of the majestic divine services of the Orthodox Church can be brought for clarity and the easiest retention of it in memory and for a better detailed understanding of it and for a greater impact on us - to simple principles: a candle, a lamp means the fire of heartfelt love for God and the saint, or that saints are lamps that burn and shine for us with their faith, hope, love, virtues; fire also means our ardent love for God and the saint and our fiery prayer, our ardent love for each other; a censer with hot coals and fragrant incense means the fragrance of the holiness and truth of God, the Mother of God, holy Angels and holy people, reminds and inspires us of the holiness and truth of our life; the opposite of fragrance is stench, stench: these are our sins, vicious passions and inclinations, which we must burn and eradicate with fiery repentance and then fragrance the soul with virtues - humility, meekness, kindness, chastity (like flowers or like incense). Develop everything with God's help. The opening of the royal gates is the opening of heaven; adoration - humility, humility; “Lord, have mercy” is the cry of a repentant sinner for mercy, reminiscent of the prayer of a publican. The rituals are completely consistent with the spirit of Holy Scripture, in which there is so much figurative or symbolic, and with the wisdom of God, which often and very often opens its mouth in parables and allegories, in order to give room to our curiosity and the activity of our thoughts, for without labor, what is easily known or acquired is easily forgotten, not valued, and in order to more tangibly present to us the known truths and rules of life. You are glorified as a good man, a giver of alms, a man of prayer, abstinent, a lover of your neighbors, and yet in you, in the depths of your heart, every sin lives: malice, envy, ill-will, self-love, lust and greed, partiality, hatred of one’s neighbor, for example, due to lack of appearance of person, fornication, intemperance, impatience, murmuring, blasphemy, abomination, laziness, negligence, man-pleasing, indulgence, vain fear, vanity, frequent lies, hypocrisy, covetousness and love of money, disobedience, waywardness and stubbornness, severity, hard-heartedness, stinginess, insolence, cowardice and other countless passions. Oh, you damned man! Repent immediately and correct your heart, lest you be cut down like the barren fig tree. The soul is more valuable than anything in the world, the whole world - save your soul day and night, constantly resort to the Church. It is necessary to follow the thought of the Church in all rituals and in the most sacred vessels and vestments: thus, with the clothing of a priest, namely the phelonion, the Church wants to show Christians that the priest is the angel of the Lord Almighty, standing before His throne, proclaiming the will of God to people. Appearance (face) in a person means nothing to God, no matter what a person is - beautiful or ugly, for God looks at the heart, what it is: good or evil, evil or simple. A person who is extremely ugly can be beautiful in soul - and a person with a beautiful appearance can be crafty, evil, proud, and unfaithful. November 10. The devil almost led me into fornication through a sleepy dream (Anna Konstantinovna sister-in-law). I woke up, stood up, prayed, repented. The Lord forgave and saved. May I never be seduced by a woman’s beauty. There is imperishable, true, original beauty - let us cling to it with all our hearts. The beauty of creatures is only a faint shadow of Creative beauty. He is the Creator - our beauty, the Bridegroom of our souls; He beautifies souls, and souls impart beauty to bodies, for without a soul the body is ugly and corruptible. November 13th, 1876. Morning. Eight o'clock. Damned me, I suffer from evil suspicion that comes from the devil, and as a result I lose the grace of God and peace of mind, freedom of will. Thus, I suspected Father Deacon Sofronov of treachery and ill will towards me because of the empty excuse that he did not kiss his hand during the service - only in some cases; the devil inflamed me with anger and hellish fire against him, tore my insides apart. I prayed to the Lord and asked to grant us mutual love - and the Lord gave it. I went up to him to say hello, and he greeted me earnestly and kissed my hand. That's what the Lord did! This is how the enemy slandered. Alas for me! Because of my voluptuousness and ambition, I was pitifully defeated by the evil one during an early mass from Khrenova; I became embittered with Deacon Peter A. Sofronov because he did not kiss the hands of the serving priest several times in cases where kissing is required by statute - and I could not overcome the feeling of hostility towards the deacon, suggesting in him cunning and disrespect for my face. But it was necessary to preserve love and peace. I have sinned before the Lord and before my brother! Oh, how weak and imperfect I am in my heart! Oh, how voluptuousness devastates the soul, weakens it, dries up the Christian love in it! Yes, and with the poor I am rude and harsh, without love, meekness and zeal, I give alms, but with annoyance, anger, and reluctance! Damn man I am! Correct me, Lord! Grant me to love souls, to love my neighbors as myself. November 12. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help and mercy in the morning of this day, after I, having become angry and shouted at two beggars and given alms (fifteen kopecks each), repented of my rage and stinginess and condemned myself with all my mind, with all my heart, with all my strength. November 13. Three o'clock in the afternoon. I praise, extol, thank You, Lord, for all the wonders of Your mercy, even as You surprised me on this day, when I was in spiritual trouble - in captivity to the devil, because of my jealous dissatisfaction with my wife’s desire to choose all the best scarves from my chest of drawers, for I refused her this with indignation, saying that I would not allow her this, but she was offended and began scold and reproach me that I don’t give her free rein like other priests, and that I don’t give her all the money. I reluctantly moved away from her and went into the fresh air, where I walked for a long time, praying to the Lord for our forgiveness and reconciliation: and the Lord worked a miracle, giving me deep peace and boldness after confusion, sorrow and oppression. Glory to my Lord, who saves me. Save, Lord, my wife too, for she is still at enmity against me. Because of the colorful scarves, my wife bitterly insulted me, may the Lord not hold it against her. Like Satan, she tempted me: I could not help but cry. As much as a woman is sometimes good, she is as much, and even more, evil - but she is never always good! In every person, always respect the divine principle - the image of God, the human soul, rational, autocratic, immortal; for her, consider everything as nothing, because the whole world is nothing before her. “What good is it for a man if he gains the whole world, but loses his soul and another 53? or what will a man give treason [Russian: ransom] for his soul? For the Son of Man will come... and then he will reward everyone according to his deed” [Matthew 16:26–27]. Lord, save and have mercy on us. November 14, 1876. The goals of the Christian calling - sanctification and eternal life - must be strivenly achieved by every Christian, and first of all - “seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you” [Matthew 6:33], that is, temporary benefits, material ones, or successes in everyday life. How do we live? What comes first for us? We live inside out. I, the accursed one, have surpassed in passion all those who sinned from Adam, before the law to Moses, both in the law and according to the law, and after the coming of grace. How much mercy has the Lord shown and shown to me, the accursed one, saving me from my countless sins every day, having mercy on me and not destroying me hitherto for my sins? Truly without number! Oh, tears flow from my eyes day and night before my Benefactor and Savior God! “Depart from me, all my reproaches, for the Lord has heard the voice of my crying” [Ps. 6:9]. God! Take away forever the reproach with which my wife reproached me, that I suffer punishment from You, faltering in my service according to the work of the devil. Give me the grace to serve without stumbling always, everywhere, before everyone. Wake up! Amen. “Those whom I love, I rebuke and punish” [Rev. 3:19], says the Lord. So the Lord denounces and punishes me, the accursed one. Glory to the Lord! The Holy Fathers say that if the evil one does not tempt us in our service, then this is an unkind sign and our service is not pleasing to God. Temptation is a good sign; it means that our service is fruitful and pleasing to God, although, however, we should justly attribute this to God, and not to our unworthiness, for when do I worthily serve the Lord and stand before His terrible throne? Never: I am always earthly, passionate, rude, unclean, cold. The angelic attire of the priest during the service (chasuble, phelonion) and outside the service - a cassock with wide sleeves, long, should inspire him that he should be holy, kind, dispassionate, heavenly, vigilant on guard of salvation, like an angel; that he must always proclaim the will of God to people, the truth of God, so that people are not completely mistaken. God! I forgive my wife all her grievances, I forgive her from my heart: forgive both her and my sins, O Benefactor. The bitter fruits of the fall of man in Adam include an excess of evil in man: in an excess of evil, a person is inclined to see in another person more evil than good, to desire evil, dishonor - humiliation, harm, corruption of his neighbor, especially a rival, enemy, neighbor, unkind comrade, and this evil in a person torments himself first of all and makes him a pitiful instrument of sin and the devil, its culprit. On the contrary, how calm and contented is a good man, who sincerely always wishes the best for every person as for himself, and, if possible, does good to everyone! He carries within himself the source of happiness. The priest especially must be imbued with sincere and complete love for everyone, as the organ of the Holy Spirit in preaching the word of God, performing divine services and the Sacraments, breathing the highest and purest love for humanity, and in the spirit of fatherly love in the shepherding and guidance of believers to Christian perfection and eternal life. November 18. I sinned a lot before God and my neighbors in that yesterday I was angry at the beggars who came to me at the wrong time (of course, they didn’t know this), and I said to one of them with anger: I wish you could disappear somewhere! Oh, wordless rage! Oh, greed for money! Oh, pride! Oh, unbelief! Oh, lack of trust in the Lord! Oh, the hostility is in vain! Oh, cruelty! God, be merciful to me, a sinner! I repent, and cry, and groan about my sins. November 18. The benefits of fasting. On the very first day I felt its benefits, especially at night, in a restful and healthy sleep and in lightness of heart. At night I opened the window to freshen the air. I had a dream that exposed me: I was in a hotel, took a room for myself, where I met commoners drinking, ordered two glasses of wine (red port and sherry); They didn’t carry me for a long time: I got angry, argued, and threatened with the police; I scolded the innkeeper’s wife that her husband took my money for a bottle of sherry but didn’t give me any wine. This is my greed for wine and impatience, anger. Lord, have mercy on me! I sinned before God: on November 14, in memory of the holy Apostle Philip, on the name day of Philip Stepanov, I ate and drank hastily and a lot, with greed, although without much desire, out of some kind of bad habit; eyes ran across the multitude of food and drink. I repent before my God. 18. I thank the Lord with all my heart for His greatest mercy towards me in delivering me from grief towards my sister-in-law and the poor and from the confusion and tightness of heart that followed. I cried out to the Lord in repentance, with faith and undoubted hope - and was honored with the mercy of the All-Good Lord. Glory to Him! Christian faith! How exalted, wise, true, righteous, holy, amiable, blessed you are! What an exalted mind is needed to contain all your truths, longed for, sweet, eternal! What a pure heart is needed to accept you into our being! What a good, perfect, decisive, firm will is needed to sacrifice everything dear to you in the world! I thank the Lord, who has included me in the Kingdom of His grace. And grace truly reigns in the Church: it constantly conquers many of our iniquities, cleanses them, enlightens us, has mercy, strengthens, revives, glorifies. November 18. 1876. Thursday. Morning, ten and a half o'clock. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the early liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life and joy of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries. Oh, how coveted are the Body and Blood of God! They give me rebirth after sinful death. I thank the Lord, who overcame my hostility towards my wife for her malice against me and my blood relatives and who healed the melancholy and sorrow of my heart about my quarrel with my wife, which I did not want and did not start, for she started it at dinner. I thank the Lord, who graciously heard my prayer, brought to Him in the clean air in the church yard, at eleven o’clock at night. Now it's twelve. In the cross, as if in focus, the entire economy of our salvation by the Lord is depicted: the incarnation, and the suffering, and the death with the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ; it depicts the Heavenly Father, to whose truth such a terrible, endless Sacrifice was offered, and the Holy Spirit, proceeding from the Father and resting on the Son and entering the world through the cross and bringing about our salvation; and Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who suffered and died for the sins of the world. The cross is therefore a majestic and wonderful sign and a great life-giving power for believers. We need to feel sorry for, and not hate, people when they speak and act badly towards us, for they themselves are victims of suspicion, envy, pride, daydreaming, prejudice, ignorance, covetousness, drunkenness and other passions with which the human race so cruelly suffers. We must pray to God for them with tears. Evil increases evil. Remember, O Lord, my wife Elizabeth about Your great bounties in those many (21) years, as if she suffered need for nothing, but she lived in all abundance and that I was not a desert to her; take away from her heart the malice, envy, greed, enmity towards me and my blood. Do the same with her sister Anna, I pray to You, for we are all under Your power; Let there be no discord, hostility, or quarrel in us forever, but let there be love, peace and truth. November 19. Friday. I thank the Lord for the ineffable mercy that was revealed to me in the stumbling-free, bold service of the early liturgy and in the life-giving communion of the most pure Mysteries of Christ after such a demonic storm that was in me yesterday, due to the whims and unrighteous anger of my wife Elizabeth towards me. But may the Lord forgive her, admonishing her in the proper way. I thank the Lord, who accepted my fervent prayer and my hot tears - night and morning. I thank the Lord, who heard my all-powerful and whole-hearted prayer for reconciliation between me and my wife and my wife with me: when I came home, I found her, to my surprise, disposed and affectionate towards me, like my own. Glory to the Lord! What a pressing and heart-aching melancholy was with me all day! And then suddenly she disappeared. Now I have seen the light with my eyes. Oh, greed for so many years (21) of priesthood! Oh, instability in the church statutes! Oh, incomprehensible frivolity! Selling your birthright to the enemy for poison [Heb.12:16]! Didn’t Adam fall into the poison of corruption? 54 Am I not also falling into terrible corruption through my intemperance - into corruption from which my Lord mercifully and patiently saved me and is saving me, granting me, unworthy, rebirth, life from the dead? So, today I ate meat broth at the priest Father Peter Preobrazhensky and drank a glass of milk after mushrooms, sprats, lean cabbage soup, sweet raspberry jelly and potato flour! Were there not enough Lenten dishes? Wasn’t I full with only lean, wonderful, healthy dishes? What kind of whimsicality? How long will I irritate the Lord with my intemperance, my whims? And while I was visiting and dining, or satisfying my whim with a friend, about twenty beggars were waiting for me in the cold and, without waiting, they left (only six people remained). But I repent and cry before my Lord and ask for more mercy, and more, and more! Have mercy on me, weakling, Lord! For my whim and intemperance, I was terribly and brazenly overthrown by the ethereal enemy, always lying in wait for my heel to sting me - at the christening in the outbuilding at Gromov's, at the clerk's: I could not pronounce the prayers to the end and could not say the litanies at the beginning of the baptism, the enemy was overcome by embarrassment and fear. And rightly so! It was a shame, a very shame to be in such a shameful captivity, but there was nothing to do - I myself sold myself to him with my intemperance! How can I atone for my sin? God! Only with tears and Your grace! Intercede, save, have mercy and preserve me with Your grace. May there be glory, endless glory of Your grace! As if fasting is not an important commandment! As if, through its violation, the rebellious, sinful flesh does not become stronger and more rebellious, and does not become even more prodigal, greedy, envious, proud, evil, and wayward! As if violating it does not make the commandment of love for God and neighbor weaker and weaker in us! For a person becomes flesh, not having a spirit, and according to the flesh only loving someone like himself, that is, because of self-interest, beauty, youth, wealth, or benefit, or his strength! Oh, how important God’s commandment about fasting is! How it cleanses, enlightens, strengthens and elevates the spirit of the fasting person! For the Lord Himself, after fasting, returned in spiritual strength to Galilee to preach the Gospel! Oh, what great grace, what gifts of God am I deprived of through intemperance! November 20. I thank the Lord, who gave me and my wife the all-desired peace and grace to pray without stumbling to the mother in labor and to the newborn Denisov (merchant), after the devil captured and brought fear. All grace is from the Lord, and for everything I thank the Lord, so that He may even add His grace to me. Wake up. Amen. 22. Glory to You, Lord, who looses the bound and frees those captive by the disembodied enemy, for You are the release of the captives, the sight of the blind, the release of the broken into joy. And now You have done this kindness to me. Morning. Five o'clock. Monday. November 15. I thank You, Lord, for all Your mercies and Your powers that have been revealed in me this day; for Your good obedience, quick obedience, kindness and goodness; Many times I sinned with anger towards the poor, I was overcome by great sorrow and distress for my sins - for malice, stinginess - but when I sincerely repented, You always forgave me. This happened during Matins and then at the gymnasium; at home, before dinner, when I bowed before the icon and repented, in Dmitriev’s house, on the tower, before the prayer of the mother in labor, and many times. Countless of our actions and habits are daily echoed and imprinted by pride: delicacy, tobacco smoking, hard-heartedness, love of money, etc. Believe and [you will see]. “And whatever you want people to do to you, do so to them” [Luke 6:31]. Excess in the home, in furniture, in dishes, in the table, in the carriage; theater. We cannot even imagine how countlessly we sin against the commandment of love for God and neighbor, how we are imbued to the bones and marrow with self-love, greed, ambition and vanity, malice and envy, fornication, intemperance, self-will, laziness, negligence, lies, man-pleasing, and not god-pleasing, vain shame, vain fear and fear. To you, Lord, alone is truth and holiness, but to us it is a disgrace to our faces: we are sinners and unrighteous without number. November 21st. Introduction to the Church of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Resurrection. Yesterday I didn’t serve the all-night vigil, although there was another one. Father Alexander served at my request; I served the late mass extremely weak and sick in spirit and body, in cramped conditions, in demonic fear; the night before there was a carnal temptation; in the evening I drank sweet tea a second time; I drank a glass of fresh milk unnecessarily, as if for a cough, but really on a whim; I ate a bun with tea, but it was harmful for me, scrofulous, I lost my voice: I couldn’t pronounce the royal names, “Remember first, O Lord,” etc., also, I didn’t read the whole pulpit, I missed a few words, I didn’t express my dismissal, only the end: the fear of the devil overcame me. Last week was generally disastrous for me: there was also a clash with my wife. At Myachin’s christening, he was seduced by a silk scarf during the Sacrament, so the enemy confused him, instilled fear, fear, charm, and spilled poison. What about the scarf? - Handkerchief. How to compare the matter of Baptism, the most heavenly Sacrament, and a perishable thing; when I should be all above - do I cleave to what is below in such great moments? What does the whole world mean in comparison with one soul? Satan with his sting overpowered me, a passionate person, and showed me a weak spot. Because of my addiction, I was separated from God in my heart and wounded by the devil, I was confused and weak. At the great entrance, I am weakened and plunged into fear by a nasty thought and the thought that by speaking rarely, I would delay the people in the church for an extra minute. But we need to tell God, not people; There is no need to grieve the Spirit of God with your cowardice and fear, but you need to look at yourself with self-respect! Oh, how you lose your self-respect because of your sins! By humiliating others, I humiliate myself. The priest must always be at the height of dispassion and contemplation of the spiritual, but especially when performing divine services and the Sacraments; here he should be like an eagle, soaring high, not bound by anything earthly, not captivated, free, immersed entirely in God. The disembodied enemy did a lot of dirty tricks to me today during the morning service, embarrassing and berating me because of the money allocated for the purchase of a censer and for the poor from the generous donation for the christening from the officer Myachin - ten rubles. Five rubles [write] in the mug, two for the censer and three rubles for the beggars. For the need was foreign, not in our parish. The St. Petersburg merchant gave it to me, not to the brethren. But I gave to the brethren and to the poor; excess [...]. I thank the Lord for all the miracles of His mercy and power that have been revealed in me this day at Matins, before the Liturgy and during it - in delivering me from many struggles of opposing forces and in helping me during the service, especially for reviving me with the Holy Mysteries, although even after the evil demons fought me. I thank the Lord, who saved me in high school from inappropriate thoughts and feelings - from looking to Him with the eyes of my heart in prayer. I thank the Lord, who showed me the power of salvation at home, after dinner, when I repented of an unwise word spoken to my wife, by which she was offended. Thank God for everything! Never disgrace me, O Lord, as I have caught You. I sinned gravely before the Lord my God, in my anger I hurt a beggar, cruelly tearing him out by the hair for begging and for adding to what I gave him (fifteen kopecks). By this I have blasphemed the goodness and generosity of God, grieved the humane womb of my Master, the Lord Jesus Christ, and saddened the Holy Spirit; a member of Christ and Christ Himself - I greatly offended his Head, accursed, ungrateful, greedy, money-loving, angry, prodigal. I blame myself, I condemn myself with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my will. Forgive me, Lord! Educate your whole self, man: not just your mind, but also your heart and will. Try to keep your heart pure, undefiled, not prodigal, meek, humble, kindly, patient, merciful and sympathetic to your neighbors in their grief, need and illness, simple, and not crafty or double-minded, constant and firm in virtue, and not frivolous and changeable, like a weather vane, always soft, and not harsh, not harsh and obstinate, not hot-tempered, courageous and not fearful, believing and not doubting or wavering, firm in hope, loving everyone in the Lord. Grant me all this, all-good and all-generous God! I thank the Lord that I am still alive today, although for my sins I would have deserved death, for yesterday I severely tore out a beggar’s hair in my anger for dissatisfaction and begging. The Lord, in His infinite mercy, accepted my repentance and had mercy on me, giving me life, peace, space. For a long time I begged Him in my sorrow and the tightness of my heart, for my guilt was great. I thank You, Blessed, merciful, merciful and beneficial Master Lord! I had a dream in the night today - as if I was in the church of the Nevsky Monastery, during the [metropolitan] Easter service, listening to the Easter canon. I saw the metropolitan moved by the service, finishing the service and being vested. November 24. What terrible corruption was brought into my soul and body by the sin of the offense of one beggar, whose hair I tore out in anger, painfully, painfully! Because of this, I myself felt pain, pain, so much so that my soul descended to hell; opposing forces tormented me greatly in the depths of my heart. And only through repentance and trust in God’s mercy, and especially through communion of the wonderful Divine life-giving Mysteries, did I get rid of terrible spiritual death. The Holy Mysteries worked in me a wondrous miracle of deliverance and the power of God. I praise and thank the Lord. I visited the merchant Al. Vasilyevich Murashov on his name day. You should not go: there are many cases of drunkenness, there is a lot of bait, the wines are very good (Raoul). The owner is lavished with too much flattery. After Matins. A strong demonic storm and extreme misfortune befell me during Matins: I was surrounded and overcome by invisible enemies and could not say the litany at the Midnight Office, at the beginning of Matins and at the Six Psalms: I felt complete powerlessness in my soul, although my body was healthy. It was God who left me with His grace for a careless life, for drunkenness and gluttony at Al.V. Murashov’s name day and for eating without prayer. And I did this after communion of the Divine Mysteries, consciously, by will. When will I trample upon the lusts of the flesh? How long will I trample on the Blood of the Covenant, by which I was and am sanctified, renewed, quickened, recreated? After all, I know that my flesh is prodigal and enslaved to all sin: how can I still indulge it, do not oppress it, do not crucify it, and am a pleaser of the devil and an adversary of Christ! Oh, what spiritual devastation drunkenness does in me! Today I experienced all its horror and God’s abandonment [according to inheritance]. How much it means that yesterday he did not serve Vespers himself and was replaced by Father Alexander. This is a loss for my soul. (Here’s the much-vaunted wine—heavy, intoxicating.) November 25. Yesterday was a day of illness and sorrow for me, especially during the liturgy: my head ached terribly from yesterday’s feast at Al’s. Murashov, from his stupefying wine, she was sick even after mass, and only after two glasses of tea at [...] Tsvetkov’s she stopped getting sick. But glory to the grace of communion of the Holy Mysteries: they revived me again, and I was saved from the greatest corruption of my insides, I was revived, having defeated the fierce machinations of the enemy by the grace of Christ. I thank the Lord, who mercifully accepted my repentance this morning and saved me many times from my sins, who brought me from death to life, from sorrow to joy, from crampedness into space. This mercy was especially evident during the saying of the dismissal of the Midnight Office and the Litany. But then, when Matins began, I thought about the silver-gilded pectoral cross lying on my table, and I thought about selling it - and immediately death entered my insides, and I could not speak the small litany, and barely [...] through repentance I was able to speak the great litany. This is how dangerous it is in a holy place to think about earthly things, about selling the Lord for silver. “This place is terrible: this is not [Russian: this is nothing else], but the house of God, and this is the gate of heaven” [Gen. 28:17]. Truly the Church is the earthly heaven: the Lord, the Lord alone is my portion, and not earthly things, pleasures and honors, for they cause death. Oh, may I crucify my flesh, my slayer, which captivates me every day with lust, love and piety. Let me find one God. He is my treasure, my beauty, my sweetness, my honor and glory, my reward. [Having suffered] “kill the passions, Lord” 55. Glory to Your sufferings, which have given the world life and forgiveness of sins. Glory to Your sufferings, constantly killing my passions, healing the fierce wounds of my passions. Glory to Your Cross, from which until now the most pure blood of my Lord has been continuously flowing and granting me life and incorruptibility. I thank the Lord, who gives me wonderful mental and physical health in my next week, because of serving Him, the Lord of life, and communion of His holy, life-giving Mysteries. Glory, glory, glory to the Lord! “Feed my sheep” [John 21:15–17]. And I heard a voice from the Lord, like the Apostle Peter, commanding me to feed the verbal sheep. I am aware of the height of the rank and the responsibilities associated with it, I feel my weakness and my unworthiness to undergo the highest priestly service on earth, but I trust in the grace and mercy of God, which heals the weak and replenishes the impoverished 60. I know what can more or less make me worthy of this rank and capable of passing this title. This is love for Christ and for you. Therefore, the Lord, restoring the renounced disciple to the title of apostle, first asked him: “Do you love Me?” - and after each answer: “I love You,” he repeated to him: “Feed My sheep, feed My lambs.” Love is a great power: it makes the weak strong. May the Lord, who loves everyone, give me a spark of this love and ignite it in me with the Holy Spirit. High, I said, the rank of priest, for whose rank is this? San of Christ: He is the only High Priest, first and last, sacrificing and being offered, receiving and distributing; He is the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last; we are clothed with the grace of His priesthood, He Himself priesthood in us and through us. Therefore, we ourselves must deeply respect our rank, and you, brethren, must, for your own dignity and salvation, deeply respect this rank and obey those who bear it, and be forgiving of our weaknesses and shortcomings. For although we are exalted in dignity, our nature is the same as yours, weak and subject to stumbling. And how can a mortal man fully correspond to the height and holiness of the priestly rank? If we take into account one thing, that the priest, standing before the very Throne of God in the earthly church, must so often perform the life-giving and terrible Mysteries of Christ, intercede for the whole world, offer the Sacrifice of thanksgiving for all the saints, “forefathers, fathers, patriarchs, prophets, apostles, evangelists, martyrs, abstinents and for every righteous spirit who has died in the faith,” pray about the living and the dead - then what angelic dignity is needed for that? Is it my weakness that, due to my sins, I do not dare to open my mouth for myself to beg Heavenly justice and mercy for my own sins? No: this is already a matter of the highest grace, this is a matter of the immeasurable merits of Christ: He is the Intercessor and the acceptor of intercession. And if we also take into account the performance of other Sacraments, especially Baptism, Confirmation, Penance, Marriage, Blessing of Anointing - what shrine is required, what wealth of the love of Christ from the priest who performs these Sacraments! For in all prayers and sacred rites the spirit of God’s endless love for the human race, the spirit of holiness, truth, and incorruption, breathes. And preaching the word of God and proclaiming the eternal truths of the Gospel in a language understandable to everyone, imbued with the spirit of evangelical love, in order to teach, correct, confirm, and lead to the path leading to eternity - what a high and difficult duty this is! Without a doubt, in all [of this] the grace of God and your attention and Christian love for me will help. And you, Christ-lovers, brothers and sisters, without a doubt, will not refuse them to me for the sake of the Chief Shepherd Christ Himself, who appointed me as your shepherd. I will conclude my first feeble word with the good will of the Apostle [...]: “The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God and the Father, and the communion of the Holy Spirit, be with you all.” Amen. Woe, heartbreak I had this morning from eating the quick meat soup left over from the children’s lunch and warmed up in the evening: it was overcooked, covered in fat, and therefore the gastric nerves became extremely weak and upset from it, despite the long walk before the night and in the morning; This soup lay like a stone on my heart - and not only for the reason stated above, but also because I violated the commandment about fasting and sold my soul to the enemy through a free violation of the commandment. I felt his influence over me; I fought hard with him, but he stubbornly persisted, paralyzing me, covering me in darkness, stumbling, overwhelming me with demonic fear, not allowing me to speak. But grace conquered my sin because of my repentance - and the enemy finally fled, although only after Matins. Never eat rotten soup, just as you shouldn’t drink rotten tea, and don’t eat French roll; You can drink milk when you need it – it’s healthy. The precedence of a deacon in the priesthood signifies the importance of the priestly office, as the office of Christ and the apostle. Angels served Christ; The priest is served by a deacon. In addition, deacon means the Forerunner of the Lord. I did a new madness or, better yet, repeated the old one: at night I ate sweet jelly and fried fish, knowing well that my capacity was small and that there was no need for food - for that night I had strong anxiety from carnal inflammation and in general my sleep was not entirely easy. When will I live wisely regarding food? How long will I be carried away by the lusts of the flesh? How long will I live worse than the dumb? I am like a man whose ship is full and almost sinking from the weight, and he keeps adding weights, or whose house is on fire, and he himself is adding flammable substances to it. Here are my deeds! Have mercy on me, the accursed one, Lord! November 27, 1876. I sinned when I scared two beggars yesterday with a threat to the police, which is why they ran away. November 27. Saturday. Woe was to me today during the morning from yesterday's jelly and fried fish, or, better, from untimely eating on a whim; I didn’t need to eat, I was full: during Matins I could not speak the litany because of the devil’s possession of my heart; I couldn’t get out of his clutches all morning. But he read the canon with great courage. Sweets! Sweets! What misfortunes you are causing! The Lord created all the animal organisms of verbal and dumb beings wisely, expediently, purely, unblemished, gracefully in the beginning, almost seven thousand and a half years, and they exist to this day, perfectly answering his intentions and goals - but to a sinner like me, they tempt and seem unclean and inciting to sin, because the sinner wanted to make an absurd use or an object of his lust for a molded organism. But let glory be to Him who created everything wisely, purely, unblamely, gracefully, expediently; may absurd thoughts and fearful and unclean temptations be removed; may the heart be established in holiness and chastity. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from sorrow and oppression during the liturgy and gave me the grace to easily and freely perform it and partake of the joy and wonderful revival of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord for delivering me from sins and sorrows many times throughout the day. The Lord is constantly working among us - let us fear His invisible Being, let us walk reverently in His justifications. The Church is earthly heaven, especially the throne of the Lord: let a person think of nothing earthly while standing in the church, for the Lord is in this place, and only for a moment does the heart deviate towards worldly thoughts and interests: sweets, treasures, distinctions, when it immediately gives in to sorrow and oppression, spiritual death, and only with alienation from earthly sights does the Lord have mercy on a person and pacify him. Darkness, sorrow, cramped conditions, humiliation, death from earthly thoughts in the church. The same effect is produced on the soul by momentary hostility, envy, hatred, ill will towards one's neighbor, a lustful feeling, a lustful thought. Servants of God must be holy, whole, and honest in all their lives. Have nothing in common or solidarity with your multi-passionate, soul-killing flesh in its lusts, with this godless corpse, constantly exuding the rot of countless sins and passions. Crucify her every day and every hour. Let the immortal, god-like spirit suppressed by her come to life. The sides are full of food, but the soul is empty of grace. "Wisdom! Let's get out there!" - means the connection of the Old Testament with the New, for wisdom means the correspondence of means with ends, principles with consequences, intentions, revelations, prophecies and prototypes with their fulfillment. Wisdom is a lofty thought, briefly expressed in a verse - a prokeemne. (Wisdom is the logic of prophecies and prototypes, revelations with fulfillment.) By giving alms, you are only exchanging perishable things for imperishable goods that pass away for eternity. Who wins? I forget, damn it, that the beggars lend me incomparably more than I lend them. So, I must give diligently, with love, willingly, with joy, with humility and meekness. Wake up! Either you immediately put to death your flesh, so that your soul may live, or it will kill you. Wonderful, living, grace-filled water is Your service, O Lord, Your word, spiritual wisdom and every good deed. But death is a carnal, worldly wisdom (I thought at the throne about my other pectoral cross, wanting to sell it, and died in soul, and could not speak the litany). November 29. I thank the Lord for the wonderful revival by the life-giving Mysteries during the late liturgy, for its unfaltering performance and for the preaching of my own composition. I always want to serve, and compose, and speak in this way for the edification of the faithful. Grant, Lord! 29. After Vespers. I thank the Lord, who constantly saves me when I cry out to him in the straits of sin, and who has now saved me many times over. All the holy patriarchs, prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and righteous people were strong and glorious by God. And we will not be put to shame if we are always with God and put to death the sin that lives in us, and we are strong. And one moment without God, this infinite good, is misfortune and death. And to offend such infinite goodness with anything for a single moment is a grave sin and madness. How do we continually insult Him? Come to church more often to glorify the Lord or to sympathize about your spiritual weakness and your spiritual poverty and sinfulness - no one will hurt you stronger and more sincerely than the Church: its best children have experienced everything that you have experienced: they were weak, like you, they sinned, like you. She does not hide from you that the fierce plague of sin touched, wounded, corrupted everyone, and they all cried, prayed, suffered, grieved, and were subjected to great temptations. And it will be easier for you to grieve, endure, and endure temptations. Glory to the wonderful Lord who has now solemnly saved me. November 30. November 30. I thank the Lord, who saved me, through my prayer, from the devil’s temptation, which was murderous for my soul, who struck me with its abomination while reading the entrance prayers and while worshiping together with Archpriest Father Paul and another Father Paul, and who gave me peace, holiness and life. Then I was touched. Oh, the nakedness and poverty of my soul is amazing! Without the Lord, I cannot for a moment overcome sin and live in truth! By the end of the day, especially in the evening, my right foot, especially my fingers, hurt badly, even though I was screaming, from the fullness of my stomach and from drinking grape wine at the headman’s and at Popov’s. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived my dead being through the communion of the Holy Mysteries at the liturgy. Oh life! Oh sweetness! Lieutenant-Commander is the highest rank of junior officer in the navies of some countries; in Germany and Russia it corresponds to an army captain. In the old days, it was also an army military rank, below the rank of captain. Literally, “deputy captain” as the commander of a ship or company. In the Russian army and engineering troops - chief officer rank X class, IX class in artillery, VIII class in the guard in the Table of Ranks until 1730. In 1730–1798 he was called captain-lieutenant, then - staff captain; corresponds to a modern senior lieutenant. In the Russian Navy - junior staff officer rank VIII class, corresponding to the rank of army major. Introduced in 1713 and existed until 1884. It was restored on June 9, 1907 and abolished again on December 6, 1911. Prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos “She rejoices in You.” It will take away (Church Glav.) – cause harm, flaw, loss. Compare: Irmos of the 9th song of the canon of touching to our Lord Jesus Christ. Ikos of the canon of the Honorable Cross.