Июль 1876 г.

July 2nd. I thank the Lord, who did not disdain me, who was indecent, even on this day, and who has made me worthy of the bliss of partaking of His Divine, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. The fear of the enemy was in me throughout the mass; the dirty tricker confused and weakened me internally; at the great entrance he confused me with the thought of money for the benefit of the poor; did not say a single name; “Give them also to Thy holy churches”... I missed them out of fear of the enemy. I read the prayer behind the pulpit loudly, solemnly, in its entirety. This is the grace of the Holy Mysteries. During the dismissal, he did not remember the holy chief apostles Peter and Paul, St. John Chrysostom, St. Alexander Nevsky, the holy righteous Jokim and Anna. Before mass, during Matins, I allowed hostility and contempt for the serving Father Alexander to boil up in my heart for serving the funeral service, funeral service and funeral mass in the cathedral in my place, although I myself gave the deacon Zrelov the answer that let Father Alexander serve all the funeral services: I am going to Peterhof for two days. But instead he came tomorrow. Through repentance and contrition of heart and the grace of the Lord, I expelled from my soul this serpent that tormented me. From this I see that the love of money is strong in me, but love for my brother and respect for him are extremely weak and insignificant. Alas for me, damned sinner! July 4th. I sinned by tempting the long-suffering of the Lord on the evening of July 2, by smoking a cigar 32 when I had long known that I should not defile my lips with lust. Now the deafness has returned to me, and there is noise in my head. He also sinned before the Lord and His saint, Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk, by telling the peddler, in order to make a concession on the price, that Saint Tikhon’s works were lying around a lot and were being sold cheaply. You shouldn't have said that! Behold, I repent of these sins and many others. I lost my hearing of the heart, therefore, as punishment, I lost my hearing of the body, and I lost my hearing of the heart through intemperance in food and drink, especially in meat-eating; I haven’t had to eat meat for a long time; Even before, when I had ear pain (four years ago), I made a vow not to eat meat and did not fulfill it. I sinned through gluttony, having worshiped idols hitherto. Damn me! I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to celebrate the Divine Liturgy in the Duma Church, to partake of the life-giving Mysteries for my revival, despite all my unworthiness and sinful mortification. At the great entrance, I could not overcome the devilish embarrassment and fear and pronounce the names of the empress, heir and heiress with her son, but after the consecration of the Gifts, I uttered the entire exclamation: “First remember, Lord, the Holy Synod and our master, the Most Reverend Metropolitan Isidore... which grant to Thy holy churches” and so on. I thank the Lord. I read the prayer behind the pulpit well, but at the end I made a small omission; he stole the liberation of the liturgy according to an evil custom, out of fear of demons. Invited to donate to the Serbs and Montenegrins. Collected 71 rubles in silver. God bless! I came to Vespers - I had hostility and distrust of Archpriest Father Paul (to his ministry and state of mind); this tormented me, I repented before the Lord and prayed to take away from my heart the dislike for Father Paul and the evil suspiciousness about him - I felt better, I calmed down, making peace with him. Through love and prayer for our neighbors, whom we consider our enemies and ill-wishers, we must make them better, and not through malice and zeal; overcome evil with good [Rom.12:21]. Yes, we need to look at ourselves first and correct ourselves, but in ourselves - oh! so much bad! Here in me, for example. Lord, have mercy on us! Police chief Golovachev’s sister Kharitonov died suddenly. Oh, how poor and pitiful man is with all his happiness, contentment, and abundance! How fleeting it is! After this, aren’t all rich people pitiful, collecting for themselves rather than becoming rich for God? Or offending their neighbors, preventing them from doing good, or taking away their goods, property, honor, health? One should not be jealous, not envy them, but feel sorry for them, cry for them, pray for them, so that they do not perish to the end. That's it! The devil clothed me in fornication, coldness and fear, in malice, envy, gluttony, negligence, laziness, self-love, pride, ambition; how he bound me tightly with iron with passions. But You, Christ God, have come to save and not destroy man, by Your power break these fetters and deliver me from his violence. Why do I commit adultery with the adversary, indulging in his fear, his abomination, his coldness? But I know why he rules over me - because of gluttony. Why do I anticipate in my heart the judgment of God regarding certain persons who have died? My job is to pray and instill hope for the deceased in the coming people who need Christian hope in these terrible and sorrowful hours of the presence of the dead before their eyes. But the devil breaks your hope and puts despair and despondency in your heart, so that through you and others he can be cast into despondency. These are his evil and all-destructive dirty tricks! Show hope, boldness and a cheerful, trustworthy appearance during sad services for the deceased. Remember the abyss of the Lord’s love for mankind and the abyss of philanthropy and hope and the words of the prayer of hope that the Church puts into the mouth of the priest, and do not philosophize wickedly in your own way and in the devil’s way, for this philosophizing is death, but that, God’s and the Church’s, is life. Grant, Lord! I did not know the life of the dead, I did not know their repentance; The Lord alone knew them; to Him alone, the Righteous Judge, we will grant righteous judgment over the dead. July 5th. Monday. Sergius of Radonezh. I sinned against the Lord: I did not attend matins or mass; I drank an extra glass of tea with cream and thereby burdened myself and my heart. How long is intemperance? (I drank three small glasses.) I ate a small prosphora. Prayer to God for oneself and for people living and dead is a gift of God’s goodness to man; This gift must be used prudently, gratefully, with reverence, diligently, with all sincerity and sincere love for God and for those for whom we pray, with an ever-living sense of the presence of God and faith in His benevolence, kindness and goodness. Is this how you, man, take advantage of this great gift of God’s mercy towards you, an insignificant worm? Are you frivolously neglecting this gift? Is your prayer not words without power, without faith, without love and hope? Here you are praying for the living and for the dead: do you pray with fervor? Do you stand before the Invisible as before the Visible? Is there sincerity in your prayer? The Lord God gave, so to speak, to our faith, to our disposal, to our love: everything, He said, “ask in prayer with faith, you will receive” [Matthew 21:22]; and: “Pray for one another so that you may be healed” [James 5:16]. July 6th. The day of the death of my mother Feodora Vlasevna. Remember her, Lord, in Your Kingdom and forgive her every sin, voluntary or involuntary. The disembodied enemy plunges me into cowardice, despondency, timidity and fear in the sight of rich, learned, noble people, not, in fact, humiliating me, as I understand, but the work of God and the Lord Himself, Whom I, unworthy, serve. But although I am a sinner, in the work of God I must overcome all cowardice in myself and act and speak with holy boldness and zeal, for it is not I, in fact, but the Lord of God who performs prayers and the Sacraments through me; it covers my sins and weaknesses. Let me not insult the grace of God, but let me be bold with it, so that it may be glorified in me much more, according to the word of the Lord: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” [2 Cor. 12:9]. God! grant me with boldness to always glorify You as the resurrection, life and peace of all those who have fallen asleep in faith in You and hope in You. God! Destroy in me the strength of the fierce, all-living, all-damned fighter. After mass, memorial service and removal. God! I thank You for reviving me, deadened by sins, through the communion of Your most pure, immortal and life-giving Mysteries at the Liturgy. July 7. I thank the Lord, who received from me the service of the liturgy for everyone and for everything, and especially for the repose of the souls of my parents, reader Elijah and Theodora, archpriest Konstantin and Anna. My soul was cold and weak; However, he pronounced out the entire royal family; but after the transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts, Father Deacon, handing over the censer, did not kiss my hand, without giving honor to Christ, who in my person performed the sacrament, and this greatly confused me, upset me, and disheveled me according to the action of the devil, although I think he did not want to humiliate me. It was extremely difficult for me, the agony with the demons of anger was terrible. I completely blamed myself for cowardice, lack of love, I denied Satan and all his works, and all his ministry, and all his pride, I combined myself with Christ, His meekness, humility, gentleness, patience, purity and holiness, and after communion and after a new struggle, the demon that was tormenting me barely left. Woe was to me, truly grief, from this fierce war. But afterwards it was very calm and joyful, after drinking the Holy Mysteries. The All-Holy Lord was humiliated, and He endured with meekness; I, a sinner, am being humiliated, and I don’t want to tolerate trifles! I thank the Lord, most merciful, obedient, benevolent and benevolent for His wonderful mercy, which was shown to me then, as I went to serve a prayer service to Varvara Semyonovna Shishmareva, and in her apartment itself before the prayer service, forgiving me the sin of bitterness and anger towards the poor and delivering me from cramped conditions, confusion and sorrow and allowing me to complete everything peacefully and with feeling prayer service with dismissal. July 8th. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy last night to perform a prayer service with the blessing of water to Him, the Lord, the Most Pure Mother of God and the Holy Great Martyr Panteleimon in the apartment of Marya Arsenyevna for Glikeria Al. Grechukhina with warm feeling, faith, hope and love and without stumbling. The devil is around us and in us, constantly playing dirty tricks on us, instilling false thoughts, nasty, crafty and blasphemous thoughts, feelings: enmity, envy, deceit, laziness, negligence, stubbornness, etc. If the devil is so close to us, then do we think that the Lord, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and the holy saints of God are far from us? No, they are even closer to us if we are careful of sins, if we live by faith, hope, love, with attention and fear of God. “I will dwell in them and walk in them; And I will be their God, and they will be My people... says the Lord Almighty” [2 Cor. 6:16–18]. “Do you not know that you are the church of God, and the Spirit of God dwells in you?” [ 1 Corinthians 3:16 ]. “We will come to him and make our abode with him... He who eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood abides in Me, and I in him” [John 14:23, 6:56]. And from whom does tenderness and tears come into us? From the Spirit of grace and from the action of the holy Guardian Angel. From whom is there healing, protection, deliverance from countless evils, sorrows, illnesses, circumstances, temptations? From the Lord, Our Lady and the saints. God! Create (I want), so that the beginning of all my thoughts, feelings, intentions, undertakings, words and actions will be pure, unhypocritical, evangelical love, for I am much tempted and suffer from evil suspiciousness, as yesterday during early mass, thinking about Deacon Peter Al. Sofronov as evil and crafty and plotting intrigues against me. July 14. I thank my benevolent, benevolent, all-good, all-merciful God, who has saved me many times this day from the sorrow and oppression of sin, and especially in the apartment of the deacon of the Vladimir Church, to whom I went from the Engineering Garden with Hieromonk Father Nikon (from the Varlaamo-Khutyn Monastery). I approached the icon and, with faith in the presence (everywhere) of the Lord, prayed for mercy and peace, and immediately received deliverance, healing, peace and space. And before Father Nikolai and the sexton came to the Engineering Garden, I was in a blissful state of prayer, repentance, tenderness, and thanksgiving. Again the Lord healed me many times in the evening (and what was written above was during the day), when in repentance I prayed for a long time to Him for mercy on me, the damned: I angrily tore out the poor boy by the hair for his dissatisfaction with the alms given and his persistent begging. Ilya Feodulovich Gromov. In memory of God’s blessings poured out on him in Kronstadt, may he make a sacrifice to God for the benefit of his neighbors, for his care. What you have given will remain yours, and will be multiplied by the Lord. “The earth is the Lord’s, and its fullness, the world and all who live on it” [Ps. 23:1]; give to God what is divine. The Lord has given you much; what he still has to give is incomparable. And everything is done according to His mercy. And be merciful. You have had and still have many great sacrifices, but the Lord’s bounties are endless: He, if necessary, will send you even more. We count on you. (Prosphora to Olga Afanasyevna. Prayer service in Karatygina’s church; prayer service at [Bal’s].) Today I seriously sinned in the morning by envying Father Matthew because he was praised in print in the Kronstadt Bulletin for collecting donations, but I was not. But my brother's praise is my praise; My brother's glory is my glory. I should wish the best for my neighbor as much as I wish for myself. I have no love for my neighbor, but only low pride, ambition, pride, envy, hostility. July 15. There is nothing more precious than purity of heart and the grace of the Holy Spirit in a pure heart. And if so, then why do people, and I am the first, do not value it and do not diligently and constancy use those means that lead to purity of heart, that is, constant abstinence and temporary fasting, avoidance of all temptations, reading the word of God, meditation, or contemplation of God, and perhaps frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries with due preparation? Amazing neglect of the only thing needed - the salvation of his only soul. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance in a former quarrel with my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna and my wife, and who destroyed the war and its consequences in our souls and bodies, and gave us the desired peace. For a long, long time I prayed to the Lord on the paths of the streets along which I walked. Woe to me, proud, impatient, irritable, touchy, that I am immediately offended by the untruth, hostility and ingratitude of my sister-in-law. It was because of her prosphora that a quarrel arose. The evil one incited me to say: for a friend (that is, me) and an earring from the ear, that is, the best prosphora of her cookies. She snorted and raised her head: ugh! He says, “You can’t fool me, I’m not a fool to deceive me.” I wanted peace, but she turned to evil and rebellion! Lord, let her go! I don't know what he's doing. God! Turn her around, enlighten her, soften her heartfelt feelings, for it is hard, hard to live in discord and disagreement, and she does not agree on anything good. Or remove her, O Lord, from my house, as You once removed Hagar and her son from the house of Abraham. Love, according to the word of the Lord, your enemies, bless those who curse, do good from the heart to those who hate you, for this is the most certain victory over evil and the greatest good for you, the hated and cursed, and for those who hate and curse. This will soon bring them to the consciousness of their evil, to tenderness and repentance. Oh! Very many of our enemies do not know what they are doing. For the reason that the sin that lives in us and kills us is evil and never sleeps, and yet for unrepentance and non-correction we are destined for eternal torment, we urgently must put on the whole armor of God and fight tirelessly against the sin that is at war in us: we must always have living faith, firm trust in God and the hope of eternal life, ardent love for God and neighbor, prayer for lips and in the heart, abstinence in everything, constant attention to oneself, patience. God! Keeper of the secrets of the heart! Truly, I, the accursed one, was this day the instigator of the quarrel that arose between me and my sister-in-law, to no avail, slyly saying the words to Anna Konstantinovna, whom I myself did not love in my heart: “For a friend and an earring from an ear.” And she told the truth in response to these words - and I became angry, unable to bear the truth. I condemn myself, I blame myself for this and for the subsequent words of the quarrel. Forgive us, Lord, and, having enlightened us all, create deep and inalienable peace between us. Wake up! Amen. Lord, hallowed be Thy name first of all and always in our hearts, may Thy Kingdom come in our hearts, may Thy will be done in our hearts; give us this day our daily bread - Thy grace, merciful, redeeming, cleansing, sanctifying, peace-making, affirming, uniting us, etc. The reason for my quarrel with my family was, as I think, the breaking of fast unnecessarily on Wednesday and the entry of the devil into my heart for gluttony and voluptuousness. These are the consequences of apparently small causes. One involuntarily recalls the forbidden fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. The seditious serpent constantly tries to outrage and outrages me with thoughts and feelings directed against Christian love. Grant me, Lord, the grace to overcome his dirty tricks and villainy in me and always grant me peace, love that never falls away from any reluctance or meanness and ingratitude of man. May I always have you in my image, Lord! July 16, Friday Paraskeva day. The holy faith brings countless benefits to Orthodox Christians in spiritual troubles and in the agony of our passions, delivering us from the overflow of their stormy and all-destructive and delivering us from their harmful consequences - sorrow, cramped conditions, confusion, melancholy and torment; it delivers a believer, repentant and praying person from countless evils. Glory to the Lord! It pacifies members of a family, an entire society, a state, a kingdom and peoples, and provides countless benefits to everyone who adheres to it - the benefits of peace, love, true enlightenment, mutual respect, spiritual and material prosperity, family and civil prosperity. Do not, man, allow sedition or serpentine malice into your heart for one moment. At the baptismal font you renounced all his deeds, all his pride and malice. July 16. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform the early Divine Liturgy peacefully and without stumbling with a requiem and prayer service and to partake without condemnation of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord for giving me grace to perform two prayer services yesterday: at the general [Bal’s] and in another place, after a domestic squabble with Anna Konstantinovna and my wife. I thank the Lord, who works miracles in me with His salvation and who has saved me many times today through my prayer from the oppression of sin. The enemy constantly incites hostility and quarrel. Deliver me, Lord, from his dirty tricks. I thank the Lord and Lady, who, by His grace, delivered me from the sorrow and distress that befell me at a meeting of the Duma from internal grief at Philip Stepanov, who seemingly disrespectfully (sitting and casually) extended his hand to me to greet me. Oh, my evil will! Oh, self-love! Oh, pride! Oh, vanity! Where is the humility and self-abasement? Where is the imputation of oneself to feces, dust, nothingness? 17. I thank the Lord for the abundant grace of tenderness during the all-night vigil and the successful completion of it; I didn’t do everything: the enemy confused me, and I was very worried, wounded by the fierce adversary. While reading the first hour, I prayed strongly and loudly to God for deliverance, forgiveness and help - and received grace; I said the entire prayer “Christ, the True Light” out loud. Upon arriving home, he was embarrassed at the table because of his wife’s stinginess and hostility towards his nephew and expressed this to her with bitterness; gloated when she was angry with the servant Anna. But then I began to repent bitterly, condemn myself, ask for peace from the Lord and mutual love - and the Lord forgave and pacified my heart, and inclined my wife to peace: she came to me, said goodbye, talked to me, showed concern for me. I thank the Lord. July 18th. A glass of beer gave me a severe headache all night, and I drank a glass late in the evening, at twelve o’clock, after writing a sermon. Beer is harmful. It greatly burdens the heart with a severe headache, intoxicates - makes a person incapable of prayer and tenderness, makes a captive of the enemy, the devil. Make a note of this for yourself and others. This morning, at about eight o'clock, it began to rain heavily with thunder and lightning from a large black cloud and continued for an hour and a half in a heavy downpour. This, by the way, is why my head hurt so much at night, not allowing me to sleep; That’s why I got up repeatedly and couldn’t sleep! I thank the Lord for the abundant and beneficial rain. From little sleep and from the rainy weather before mass, during and after mass my legs, that is, my toes, hurt greatly (as if they were cutting with knives). I thank the Lord for everything. What an artist Satan and his angels are! They take on countless forms in order to deceive a person and lead him into lawlessness and into the pit of destruction: especially in a dream, they seduce the voluptuous with beautiful sights. girls, flirt with you and skillfully lay out networks of voluptuousness, so that if you don’t wake up in time, you will fall into the feces of voluptuousness. (Written on the night of July 20 on the occasion of a sleepy, charming dream in a dream.) There is no need to eat sweets at night, especially jam (from Grechukhina), caviar, or drink a lot of wine. God! May I not think any evil about my sister-in-law Anna, and may I not feel the slightest hostility towards her, but may I love her, according to Your word, although she is my enemy, through the action of the devil, for she, poor thing, is truly a tool, a worker and a playground of the devil, for not going to church, for pride and condemnation and malice. But let me no longer accept any gifts from her, for this is destruction. July 19. Hostility and enmity are the greatest harm for the hostile person, there is spiritual death, paralysis of the heart and spiritual life: the hostile person first of all harms himself, destroying the peace of his soul and being subjected to confusion, sorrow and cramped conditions. July 19. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of my repentance, performed the miracle of deliverance from my spiritual misfortune and my transformation from hostile to favored, from troubled to peaceful, from dead to alive, before the liturgy and during the liturgy. I was upset at home with my wife because she lost her key. Grace has placed me above all earthly losses. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and His power that have been wrought in me this day from early morning until late evening - firstly, during my service of the early liturgy and many prayer services and baptisms (victory over invisible enemies and prosperity; peace, freedom, space after cases of tightness and sorrow), and, secondly, in my reconciliation with my wife, with whom I had quarreled and whom I scolded with cruel words for I feel sorry for half a glass of milk (which, admittedly, I didn’t really want and wanted to pour back into the pot, but I knocked it over when my wife wouldn’t allow it, causing her to have an outburst of anger). When I blamed myself for the quarrel that had happened and in strong hope I begged the Lord to look mercifully on my repentance - for His mercy is not overcome by any human iniquities - then I was honored with a wondrous visit from God, and my iniquity was instantly taken away, and my sin was cleansed, I was honored with peace, freedom, boldness; I felt kindness and condescension towards my wife, attributing her sin to general human weakness, malice deeply implanted by the devil, universal greed, laziness and negligence about the only thing needed - the salvation of the soul. I thought: if I, a priest, often studying in the word of God, often partaking of the Holy Mysteries, constantly turning to the service of God, so often fall into anger, envy, rebellion and willfulness, into internal adultery, although involuntary, but prepared and grown in me by my free delicacy, gluttony, drunkenness, then what can I say about my wife, who never reads the words God, never going to God's services, once a year, and then only for the sake of form, partaking of the Holy Mysteries, never talking about God? She is even more so filled with every sin and like a reed shaken by the wind. But, Lord! May I never again increase evil in the members of my family, nor in other people - with my evil, my malice and my resistance to evil, for there is already a lot, without number, of evil in Your world. Yes, it is madness, madness, absurdity. May I overcome evil with good things: meekness, humility, helpfulness, kindness, patience, selflessness, love, which endures everything, covers everything. After today’s toil of the flesh in the procession of the cross (July 20) and after resting, I felt very good in soul and body. Vespers was served briskly, easily, all the requirements were the same. Challenging and distressing the flesh is very beneficial both for it and for the soul. I will deliberately languish my flesh in service and not run away from fatigue. July 20. Today is a very hot day (28 or 29 degrees Celsius): in the evening, at twelve o’clock, I was sitting and writing at home in a white thread cassock, and it was hot. Thank the Lord for such a warm, gracious summer, full of the fruits of the Lord’s goodness. Look at women with great respect and with pure love, as instruments of the greatest goodness of the Lord, for with their special love they preserve, protect, and nourish infant humans, as men, or at least a few, cannot: they conceive us, carry us, they hurt us at birth, take great care of us after birth, work, do not sleep at night, teach the first duties of life - faith in God, prayer, good. In general, the female sex should be looked at with great respect as an instrument of the special goodness of God, at their love and beauty as a reflection of the love and beauty of God, but not to be seduced by them, for this is a perversion of the order of God and nature. Amen. I saw in a dream a ship, huge and majestic, with three masts, floating in the air above the sea, at an altitude of seven or eight miles, in the rays of the evening sun: on it the joy of those sailing was the most rapturous; they descended from the ship very quickly, like lightning, as if on ropes, but without getting water. July 21. When reading prayers or stichera and other church and prayer works, we must reach, in the spirit of these prayers, to the extent of their spiritual age. God! Grant me to be impartial regarding my sister-in-law Anna and remember the many good things in her, forgetting, if possible, the bad (her pride, willfulness, stubbornness, anger, intransigence with her relatives): she is helpful and sometimes compassionate. God! Grant me to forgive her from the heart for her insults to me: disrespect, cursing, hatred, threats. After all, a lot of evil nests in me, especially fornication, malice, envy, pride, self-will, impatience, rancor, evil despondency, covetousness. If I were like the Good One, who would embitter me? I myself am the instigator of evil. Correct me, Lord! Have mercy, and correct, and do good to my wife and my sister-in-law Anna. In peace and repentance, grant us to end the rest of our life. In faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, what an omnipotent power of life, what daily and hourly deliverance from sorrows, troubles and misfortunes, from thousands of spiritual deaths! What power, life, peace, deliverance, joy, freedom, light, boldness and courage, glory, victory in the name of the Lord! Glory to Your great, unique name! July 23. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform Matins and the early liturgy without stumbling, although with some difficulty, and to partake in the revival of the Divine Mysteries. I sinned before God, before my wife and before people, by calling my wife a thief for stealing my things in favor of my sister; I sinned by being angry with her, although I said the truth: reconcile, Lord, have mercy, Lord! Protect, Lord! He left home, a sinner and condemned by his own conscience for starting a quarrel with his wife, and after an hour of secret repentance while walking in the Engineering Garden, he came home justified and pacified by the grace of Christ. For a long time and strongly I repented in the depths of my soul, I prayed strongly for the grace of Christ - and the grace of God overcame my malice and, I hope, my wife, who was not softened, but always irritates me in such cases. Glory to the invincible mercy of God. Glory to His righteous judgments. Glory to Him, who instructs me to repentance. You, Lord, commanded everyone to forgive those who have fallen into sins seventy times seven [Matthew 18:22]: according to Your word, forgive me, the repentant, my sins. I acknowledge and do not hide them; I condemn myself, I blame myself, I do not spare; I myself arm myself with all my strength against the sins I have committed; I myself deny with all my heart Satan and all his works, and all his angels, and all his service, and all his pride. And may the Lord Himself subdue my wife, subduing her. Wake up! “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord; let the wife fear her husband” [Eph.5:22, 33]. May the Lord Himself incline her to fulfill her duty. Glory to the faith of the Lord, which delivers me from countless evils. If it weren’t for her, I would have melted from evil long ago, I would have died. It rained heavily this night and this morning until the first hour. Then it became clear and hot. [It was the action of the inner court of God] and a burning conscience that my wife came to me late yesterday evening to say goodbye and was generally disposed towards me, although slightly, and even took and drank the milk I bought in place of the spilled milk. I thank the Lord, who fulfills all my requests and restores peace between us. Grant to me, Lord, to adhere to peace and love in everything. The Lord is always near: may I always walk with fear. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy and His power in delivering me from the tightness of sin and from spiritual death after a quarrel with my wife, for He granted me repentance into life, peace and freedom. I served Vespers with boldness, in peace. Vysotskaya also has a prayer service. When he came home, he was embarrassed when he saw his wife’s hostility, but he prayed with all his heart to the Lord - and calmed down again. God! Grant us in holiness, truth, love and peace to always contain our soul, which is Your image, although fallen. Grant us above all to value our soul, even in Your image, and nothing in the world or worldly things, such as: money, household things, clothes, food and drink, various household utensils - not to value them in the least, but to consider everything as rubbish and not to feel sorry for them when they take them, take them away, break them, tear them, just to preserve peace and mutual love. But again today I didn’t keep them because of the pity of the personal towels, which my wife took from me from the chest of drawers and put with her, saying that they belonged to her sister. For this I repent to my Lord, I blame myself, I scold myself, I turn again to the love and peace that He has vouchsafed to me. God! Transform, O Lord, all-merciful and all-powerful, our hearts and make them good from evil ones. Make my wife, O Lord, always submissive to me, mentally disposed, prudent, helpful, lenient towards my weaknesses, a kind helper and adviser, affectionate and benevolent. The alliance, to spite me, she concluded with her sister, who is immensely proud, evil and willful, destroy her too, who lives idle, and tie her to work and place, so that she does not constantly come to us for sin and embarrassment. July 24. I thank the Lord for the gift of morning prayer and the pacification of my heart through it, for our adversary was already worrying, confusing and oppressing me because of the disagreement that had occurred between me and my wife. Glory to the Lord! I want to live in peace and love! Grant this yourself, Lord, to me and my wife and my wife’s sister Anna K.; Having bridled and corrected them, subdue them, Lord, for they are extremely opposed to Your word, hating my nephew, and often me. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with miracles of His mercy and power before and during the liturgy, delivering me from cramped conditions and sorrow and spiritual death due to a disagreement with my wife, in whom I was sure that she was angry with me, although in vain (for I rightly denounced, reproached and called me a thief - which, however, I should not have said). But the Lord looked upon my repentance and the fact that I forgave her from the bottom of my heart and did not hold any grudges anymore, looked upon my groaning and had mercy on me. I made a promise to continue to hold on to peace and love. Grant this, Lord! I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to partake of the Divine Mysteries into the world of my spiritual strength and into a wonderful renewal! Glory to His mercy! My wife, thank God, bowed down to make peace with me. Coming from mass, I loudly shouted to her three times: “Hello, dear wife!” And she barely quietly said casually: “Hello.” Then she got along decently; [to the question about washable] pillowcases, she answered that when he handed her the money (the mug), she kissed her hand according to custom. I thank the Lord, who did this through my fervent prayer (that is, for reconciliation). Oh, how great are the Lord’s mercies to me! For I am a sinner more than anyone, and every day the Lord forgives me more than all people. How can I not love Him with all my heart? From what calamities, from what depths of hell He delivered me! May I remember the mercies of God forever and may I live worthy of the infinitely loving and merciful Lord! “I didn’t come to be afraid of anyone here,” said one educated person among the medical authorities. Moreover, I serve in church and homes not in order to be afraid of anyone, especially since the work that I do is God’s work, holy. Amen. After so many years, have you come to know God, and having known Him, have you found Him worthy of complete and perfect love, and having found Him, have you achieved perfect love, have you loved Him with all your heart? Having loved God with all your heart, do you resort to Him in all circumstances of life, sad and joyful, do you completely surrender to Him, do you endure troubles, misfortunes, and sorrows for Him? After so many years, have you come to know sin and all its destruction, deceitfulness, charm, madness, absurdity, abomination, darkness? Having known him, did you find him worthy of all hatred and disgust, and having found him worthy of hatred, did you hate him with all your heart, with all your strength, do you endure all sorrows, troubles, misfortunes, illnesses to avoid him, do you deign to endure death itself to avoid him? Yesterday, late in the evening, I allowed myself to drink milk in excess, and today this reflected on me a coldness and insensibility of heart, an easy-going attitude towards hostility (against a sexton over trifles - for cleaning the sleeve of a frock coat with my hand, which seemed to me cutesy), dullness towards prayer, impotence in the face of the devil’s excuses, deadness. You should never eat anything at night, especially milk, meat or eggs. Our keymaster, Archpriest Matthew M. Veselovsky, fell into such a delusion that all our sins, passions (and his greed, or our common love) are imputed to the devil, and the Lord will forgive us everything, even if we had Judas’s greed for money, to which other sin we were betrayed. Good moral. Well, what if he teaches his spiritual children this way? 26. Monday. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to perform the Divine Liturgy yesterday and who showed me His great powers during the performance of it, the power of deliverance, purification, sanctification, peace, freedom, renewal, revitalization, affirmation, for I was in captivity, impurity of heart, alien to the holy, in confusion, crampedness, sinful oldness, dead spiritually, weak. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform kindly, with boldness, the Sacrament of Baptism at the keeper of [mast mastery] Davydov (Andr. Al. Petrova with her daughter). Only the silk scarf got a little confused in the end, due to an involuntary addiction. I begged the Lord to take away the confusion and tightness from my heart. I thank the Lord, who gave me, in confusion and weakness, peace and strength to celebrate the Sacrament of Marriage in the cathedral in front of a multitude of people. He did it without stumbling, by the grace of God. Glory to grace. In the evening, with cucumbers and cream, my stomach upset yesterday and today I feel weak. I am damned, have mercy and heal, Lord! 27. I thank the Lord for his ineffable mercy - for the service of the heavenly liturgy at the cemetery in the Trinity Church and for the bliss of communion of the holy immortal, life-giving Mysteries. He served God's grace without stumbling. But at the funeral service, while reading the Gospel, the enemy penetrated into the heart through doubt and cowardice and weakened the heart with the fear of doubt and cowardice, not allowing him to finish reading the Gospel. I thank the Lord for the wonderful providence in rewarding my giving. A priest came to me who had converted from the schism and had a mission to convert schismatics: he offered to help me with something to build a church: I signed five rubles, I thought about signing three, but I changed my mind about signing more for such a priest; I felt somewhat sorry, but I prayed to the Lord that without any regret I would bring this sacrifice to the altar of His Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church - and I calmed down. I came to the all-night vigil yesterday - not in line, but out of zeal; a boatman comes with three workers, asks them to take an oath, I do it and accidentally receive five rubles from him, barely believing my eyes and marveling at the wondrous providence of God and the faithfulness of the word of God: “give, and it will be given to you” [Luke 6:38]; and: “He who does good to the poor lends to the Lord, and He will reward him for his good deed” [Proverbs 19:17]. I praise the Lord. 27. I thank the Lord for the strength He has shown in me many times this day in delivering me from sins and the deceits of invisible enemies, from oppression and sorrow and in giving me peace, freedom, boldness and help in performing prayer services and the Sacrament of Baptism. I thank the Lord, who is gracious, merciful and beneficial, who is with us all the days, who has mercy and saves us. Amen. Thank you for your boldness in serving. Grant, O Lord, all the petitions for salvation to Thy servants Hermolai, Martha, Gabriel, and so on, their children; Andrei and Paraskeva and everyone else, let us glorify You, the Bodry One. 28. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who has now surprised me with His mercy in delivering me from the sorrows and oppressions of sin, through the prayer of my repentance. And all these hardships befall me because of worldly passions, because of man-pleasing and fear of man. So I was overcome by cramped conditions while performing baptism at Mr. Boyle’s with the guardians [Georgiy Romanovich] Boyle and Peter Af. Chebyshev: I was embarrassed especially after the child Sophia did not enter the font, that is, I could not immerse her due to the size of her and the smallness of the water (from now on I must first look); When reading prayers, he did not finish the endings of prayers and praises. He did not pronounce all the petitions at the Great Litany, the words “Great ecu, Lord!” - [once] said; he omitted some prayers and stole a special litany; I didn’t give my leave. My debts are many, Lord! I repent: forgive me. 29. I thank the Lord for serving the early liturgy in the cathedral for the servant of God, the virgin Seraphim, from Al. Vas. Murashov. He served the grace of God without stumbling, both mass and requiem. I praise the Lord. Thank you for the heavenly and life-giving Mysteries, for sharing them. Save me on the journey ahead, Lord, and return me safely, Lord! July 30. I was in St. Petersburg, on the 29th in Strelna and in Rambov. I thank the Lord for the love and heartfelt affection of those people with whom I was: Ratch, Kedrovs, [...], Fedorovs, Brown, Shustovs. But I was carried away by food and drink, and on a fast day, the fast food (milk after salmon) and my heart [was pleased]. But forgive me, Lord, my deepest sins. Give me constant abstinence, contemplation of God, prayer, vigil over myself; love for You and your neighbor is unfeigned, pure, disinterested, incorruptible, God's, and to despise perishable things as if they do not exist and not to cleave [to it]: neither to young beauty, nor to wealth, nor to honor, nor to clothing. Earthly beauty, earthly wealth, glory, honor often crumble in one hour - but divine love endures forever. July 31st. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of His mercy in me today, when I, having a grieving and oppressed heart for my sins, went to the house of Sinebryukhov (on Citadelnaya Street), in the apartment of the waiter Alexei Petrovich and Stefanida Avvakna. Here, on the way, during the heartfelt invocation of the name of the Lord, I suddenly felt in myself peace, mercy, freedom, life, lightness, strength, boldness, and when I arrived at the house or apartment of Al. Peter, I opened my lips for a spiritual, soul-saving conversation, namely: about the need and benefit of constant repentance in the power of the words of the Lord: “Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven has come near” [ Matthew 4:17 ], for the Kingdom of God in the heart of man is impossible without sincere, deep, fruitful repentance: what kind of fellowship does righteousness have with lawlessness? What does light have in common with darkness? [ 2 Corinthians 6:14 ]. The Holy Church, teaching us to repent, daily puts into our mouths a short but significant prayer: “Lord, have mercy, Holy God... have mercy on us; Most Holy Trinity, have mercy on us." In the morning and evening prayers the same, in the Octoechos the same; in special sequences in the Canon. God visits our souls daily through the prayer of repentance, sometimes like lightning, instantly illuminating and burning our sins, sometimes like the enlightening sun, sometimes like life-giving power, sometimes like oil that softens the soul, sometimes like food that strengthens the heart and drink that quenches spiritual thirst, sometimes like a robe of incorruptibility that dresses the soul, sometimes like a knife that cuts off the rottenness of the heart. Glory to the Lord about everything. Tobacco smoking is a moral weakness and passion that the Church condemns, for this illness, captivating a person (like alcohol), causes dependence on him, upsets health and causes moral, physical and economic harm to its adherents. The reader, however, should understand that a negative attitude towards tobacco in Russian society developed gradually. Trade in tobacco in Russia on a large scale began from the time of Peter I, who, by decree of February 1, 1697, allowed Russian traders to “trade tobacco openly,” which was a serious step towards making it the subject of purchase and sale and counting it as an item of government income. In Muscovite Rus', tobacco was popular only among “streltsy and all sorts of walking people.” Under Peter, tobacco consumption only began to become fashionable at court, in the army and in big cities, and then only among those segments of the population that were affected by the everyday and cultural innovations initiated by the tsar, and who wanted to join European “culture” here too. Peter I, realizing the benefits that could be derived from the tobacco trade, began to develop tobacco production. Tobacco received the right of citizenship in Russia, because it was encouraged for distribution and use by the Tsar himself. Elizaveta Petrovna and Catherine II continued Peter's policy in this regard. Tobacco production and consumption grew year by year. Starting from the middle of the 18th century, tobacco became widespread in St. Petersburg. Wealthy people, craftsmen, military and naval people became addicted to tobacco. In the era of Alexander I, the pipe and cigar began to gradually replace the snuff-box from the everyday life of city residents. An eyewitness wrote: “The passion for smoking flew quickly into our land, and within several years the habit of smoking tobacco and cigars spread not only in St. Petersburg, but throughout Russia, in all classes, in all ranks, at all ages. This passion has become as necessary as food.” The feuilletonist of the “Northern Bee” wrote in 1843: “No more than 35 years ago, smoking tobacco was placed on the same line as drinking alcoholic beverages. Sailors and old soldiers smoked tobacco... When a smoker went to society, he changed his clothes so that the smell of tobacco could not be heard. To say about a person that he smells of tobacco was considered an insult... Times are changing. Now tobacco is smoked not only by the world's leading dandies, lions, but also by ladies! Oh, horror! Ladies smoke tobacco! Little by little, the opinion became stronger that smoking is not only fashionable, but also healthy. The feuilletonist of Illustration wrote in 1845: “Everyone smokes, almost everyone sniffs... With tobacco, people both greet and see off the day pleasantly. The whole world is in smoke - but tobacco, and no one complains about the properties of the overseas potion - on the contrary, everyone tries to create a tobacco atmosphere for themselves, to live and die in it.” St. Petersburg residents viewed smoking primarily as a cure for boredom: “Neither bodily exercises, nor various games, nor singing, nor playing musical instruments... cannot replace smoking simply because they are tiresome,” wrote the author of the brochure “Smoke as much as you want.” From the beginning of the reign of Nicholas I, smoking tobacco on the streets, theaters and public places was prohibited and persecuted by the police in order to avoid fires. But under Alexander II, according to the royal decree of 1860, the sale of pipe tobacco, cigarettes and cigarettes was universally permitted “in establishments where the sale of drinks is permitted,” as well as in greengrocers and confectionery shops. In 1865, smoking was officially legalized on the streets of St. Petersburg, which caused an enthusiastic reaction from contemporaries. Father John, like most of the clergy of his time, fell under the influence of “fashion” and, although irregularly, used tobacco. However, over time, his attitude towards tobacco became negative; he needed a lot of spiritual and physical strength to overcome this illness, which is essentially a passion, with the help of God, and defeat it. On the pages of the diary, the reader will more than once encounter references to the fact that Father John “smoked today.” This does not mean that smoking can be justified from a church point of view. Passing a strict moral verdict on himself for adhering to the passion of tobacco smoking, Father John accomplished a truly feat, because he did it in circumstances when not only secular, but also church society was addicted to this illness and not only did not condemn, but in every possible way promoted its benefits, not paying attention to the physical and moral harm that it causes, as well as the fact that this habit turns into a passion that makes a person a slave of sin.