Письмо 99

I sympathize with your mental disorder and confusion, but it is not in my strength and not in my mind to help; But what is impossible from man, everything is possible from God: one must fall to Him, seek healing from Him for spiritual ulcers and ailments; humble yourself and reproach yourself, and consider this an allowance for your pride and the contempt of your neighbors. From your letters I see that you tried to look for N.N. to accept you into her maternal bosom, and offered everything that I wrote to you, not turning you away from her, but even more so attracting her, who did not know to accept you: - the fault is that you treated me. I forgive her for this, and if you want to be truly devoted to her and hope to find spiritual benefit, then do not think at all about leaving me. Although you expect to benefit from me spiritually, when, on the other hand, we are deprived of peace, due to your spiritual connection, then what is the use of this? You will not and should not worry at all about leaving me; and I do not grieve for you; and there on both sides you have non-peace for non-compliance with orders, and so on. We must choose the best and most useful. If, even after leaving me, you have no hope of peace and tranquility for yourself, then, in this case, place all your trust in the most merciful Lord and the Most Pure Virgin Mother of God and pray to the Lord with the prayer of St. Simeon the New Theologian, chapter 43, reading it every day, and reproach yourself. However, do not consider that I am rejecting you from myself; - no, I only wish you to get rid of embarrassment by this measure, and you have it as you find best for yourself; only I am in greater weakness; I can hardly answer myself, and I don’t have time; Arriving home, I found up to 70 letters - just lying there; many have not been read; my heart hurts, but there is nothing to help, and it’s very difficult to write to you. When, despite all the means to pacify M., you do not succeed in this, then I will say again: put your trust in God and be courageous and calm, avoid gossip about her and do your duty; if not sensually, then mentally cast yourself before her, not embarrassed, but humbly, and the Lord will have mercy on you. And refute mental battles and thoughts that find you with humble prayer, not attributing victory to yourself, but to God’s help: a warrior who has not been tested in battle cannot be skilled; so a monk, without temptation, is not skilled. Read the books of your fathers, recognize your weaknesses and humble yourself; and the Lord will help you in humility. You write: by accepting monasticism you made an agreement with God. This word is high and proud. On the contrary, you, believing that He accepted you like a prodigal son, like a harlot, sought out the lost sheep, found the lost drachma, and for this thank Him with silent lips and humble yourself, be imbued with spiritual poverty and you will be rewarded with His greater mercy. But I don’t advise you to go to another monastery; where will you go with your poor health and meager means? Who knows if you will find peace there? And won’t you fall into the strongest temptations there? Almost everyone here loves you, takes pity on you, and reassures you; – will you find this elsewhere? Mnogohreshny I.M. January 27, 1854. You might be interested in: