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I thank the Lord, who yesterday made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of His wonderful life-giving Mysteries for the good of my soul and body. There were two hundred and ten commemorations, and the Lord sent thirty-four rubles to the income. For everything, thanks be to the Lord. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy today (February 1) to loudly glorify Him and the Most Pure Mother of God and His saints; courage wavered several times from the enemy’s excuses - I was embarrassed and again rebelled by the grace of God. I sinned before God, before His law and before my neighbors, especially the beggars, because I shouted at them for coming up for alms at the wrong time; sorrow and distress befell me: I turned to the Lord with sincere repentance, and the Lord, after confessing three times, had mercy on me. Glory to His long-suffering, His mercy and truth. I thank the Lord for his ineffable mercy towards me, a sinner, in the cheerful, loud, touching, stumbling-free service of the Liturgy and in the non-judgmental communion of the holy, pure, heavenly, immortal and life-giving Mysteries. Again I have everything in the Lord. But why else am I angry, furious, screaming at the beggars who come up to me in large numbers in different places? Why don’t I meet them with meekness, not with joy, not with love? Why am I angry with my wife for problems or for spending money against my wishes, for not pleasing me? Should love fall away? Why don’t I sometimes rejoice in raising my orphans, for whom, as dear and dear to the Lord, He, the Lord, will certainly not leave me and will reward me? Why am I indignant that, without asking me, my wife keeps everything and keeps them in our house, in all abundance, in all bliss? If the Lord promised to reward believers for a cup of water [Matt. 10, 42], then all the more so for the many blessings that the Lord pours out on these little ones through me! And a stranger in the house is a sharp knife for me: I become more furious. Have mercy, correct, Lord! Forgive me, Lord, that I ate a fast dish (milk porridge with cow’s butter) today on Friday. It was my whim. I thank the Lord for His mercy, for taking away, through the prayer of repentance, my enmity and hostility towards my wife and others and the sorrow, fire and oppression associated with enmity, and for the complete pacification of my heart. But soon after that, I again pitifully fell into a rage at the beggars who had gathered at the squad’s house and were persistently begging for alms: I tore out two of them by the hair, and kicked one. He shouted at everyone why they were assigned to Kronstadt for an idle and begging life and for burdening me. I sinned cruelly before God, before people, before all the inhabitants of heaven and before my conscience. Well, have I ever, I or my household and relatives, not been fed because of the poor? Aren't you always satiated? Wasn’t I dressed decently and everyone in my household at all times? Did I not have good and comfortable shelter or peace for myself and my family? Had. Or is the reward in eternal life for perishable alms really small? Or is the gift of the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord Himself, which I taste so often and in which I become a participant in eternal life, small? Is this gift of cleansing sins, renewal, sanctification, deification, eternal life really small? If I had laid down all my possessions, my very body, my life for the sake of the Lord and for the sake of my neighbors, then my sacrifice would have been insignificant in comparison with the gifts that the Lord has given me and has to give. Oh, how self-loving, voluptuous, selfish, proud, envious, adulterous, unloving, uncompassionate I am! However, what a connection between sins! Today I ate porridge with butter, broke my fast and offended the poor. Forgive me, Lord, my great sins! I did a thousand times more harm to myself than to the beggars whom I offended, for now my whole being is painfully shaken - it burns, it is cramped; I don’t understand - anger is meaningless! But glory, glory, glory to the long-suffering of the Lord, which is not overcome by our malice. Glory to His mercy, pouring out upon me, the repentant one - for behold, I hear, and again the mercy of my Lord, His grace, merciful, saving, resolving in power, visits me in my troubles, in my troubles. Does the Lord send us enough? Are we poor in anything? - No. Is it not for nothing that we receive everything from the Lord’s bounties? For free. Why don’t we want to give freely to the poor? What answer will we give to God for His past gifts, which we enjoy to the utmost and of which there is always a lot left over? Shall we not go into the fire, into eternal torment, for luxury, voluptuousness, self-interest, and hard-heartedness? The most reliable treasury is the hands of the poor, because the Lord Himself is the guarantee: “To me,” he says, “do the same [Matt. 25, 40]. I thank the Lord, who graciously bowed down to my tearful, repentant prayer for my sins - pride, lust, stinginess, cruelty, rage towards the poor and who gave me peace and His sweet Kingdom. While praying for the sovereign during the all-night vigil at the Presentation of the Lord, the following thought came to me: the sovereign is like a canopy, protection and protection for the kingdom: under his leadership, the greatest part prosper, youth are educated, sciences, arts, arts develop and flourish, the Church prospers, fulfilling its greatest calling, divine services are performed with the Most Holy Sacraments, they are taught, guided to the Christian holy life, to To the Kingdom of Heaven, the people of God; charitable institutions arise, multiply, and flourish; peacefully completes his training and goes through the everyday and military fields of the army; the chamber and all the official people carry out their business peacefully in their ordinary activities; agriculture and trade flourish; the sovereign in the state is like a great, tall, branched, many-leaved, prolific tree, under the canopy of which countless birds live, rest and feed, as is depicted in the book of the prophet Daniel: “I saw, and behold a tree in the middle of the earth, tall in stature: this tree was great and strong, and its top touched the sky, and it was visible to the ends of the whole earth; its leaf is beautiful, and there is a lot of fruit on it (people), and there is food for everyone on it; the beasts of the field had shade under it, and the birds of the air lived in its branches, and all flesh was fed from it” [Dan. 4, 18]. Yesterday's oatmeal and millet porridge today, in bad weather, give me a headache. I sinned last night - I drank too much wine - sherry. Is it not for this reason that we shorten the hand of almsgiving, so that we ourselves squander the gifts of God in pleasures and drunkenness and luxury? Transfer the spirit of love that the Holy Orthodox Church breathes in its worship into families, into society, into all mutual relationships. This is what God wants, this is what the Church wants. On the 7th and 8th I was in St. Petersburg and almost in vain I killed my time and money - I only gave Aunt Olga Petrovna three rubles: this will be for future use. I sinned before God and people, especially before my sister Anna Konstantinovna and my wife, that upon arriving home I poured out bitter complaints and indignation on my sister Anna K., that I did not find her or the servants at home in St. Petersburg and spent forty or thirty-five kopecks for nothing. With this indignation, annoyance, and anger, I hurt myself in the cruelest way. Fire, cramped conditions, confinement inside, sorrow - I turned to the prayer of repentance at home and then, going out into the street; I prayed for a long time - and finally I was heard for my recklessness and persistence: I calmed down and slept peacefully that night. I thank the Lord for this and for the fact that by His cross the Lord saved me from the lustful kindling of the night as a result of unclean night dreams. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His indescribable mercy when I cried out to Him in repentance (after strong anger at home against my wife for the hubbub and noise, against the nanny of the children) in cramped conditions, confusion and humiliation of my soul. Where has the lethargy and coldness of soul gone! “With great energy I rose up and began to petition the Lord for mercy, saying: have mercy again and again, Lord, everything is possible for You, Lord; You can have mercy on a repentant person, you can turn confusion into peace, tightness into space, you can take away shame and reproach from the heart - and the Lord showed His great and wondrous mercy to me: I rose again from the dead, I was renewed again. I thank the Lord. But may I not abuse God’s patience and mercy in the future. I never get irritated with anyone, especially with my wife. Let me be meek, kind and patient. I prayed to the Lord that He would reconcile my wife with me, as I did with her: and - amazing! – I found my wife smiling and ready for peace; she caressed me, washed my feet with wine (there was a soreness in them), dried me, bandaged my sore hand - they began to live in peace again. Glory to the Lord for this! The teacher of the girls’ gymnasium Voskoboynikova died - may the Lord forgive her all her sins, have mercy on her and grant her His Kingdom. A young girl with intelligence and knowledge. She died. So we all pass away, like a flower on the grass, and treasure in vain. Let us remember one thing that is needed... When we think to gain peace, then we lose our soul - oh, our deplorable lot! Everything is dust, everything is ashes, everything is insignificant, except the soul. Children do not smoke tobacco and show an aversion to it. Let us humble ourselves, like children, throwing away imaginary needs, so that we may enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The next day, from smoking a cigar, I had an extremely severe headache and pain in my legs, as if from nails. And it could have been from the St. Petersburg air - but I was imbued with this poison of the St. Petersburg stench in two days; and Father John of Vetvenitsky stayed in the smoking room for about eleven hours. I imagine the endless goal of God’s blessings to me, a sinner, and I am amazed at my voluntary senselessness, my ingratitude and ill-will: for me all are gifts of God, natural and grace-filled; The heavenly bodies, the sun, the moon and the stars serve me; the air is poured out for me, this inexhaustible treasure of life, which I use every minute, every hour, day, months, years; water for me; for me the wealth of seas, lakes, rivers, fish, great and small with countless variety, and other animals living in the waters; for me, birds flying in the air, again with their infinite variety, for food or for fun and pleasure; For me, animals are four-legged, which bring me countless benefits; for me, the changes of the seasons, the changes of days and nights; for me the earth produces countless tree, bush, and root fruits; for me there are countless kinds of herbs and flowers; I am gifted with reason, a sense of truth, goodness, beauty, bliss, free will for endless success in goodness; for me all the gracious gifts of the Holy Spirit - for me the Holy Church with all the treasures of spiritual grace, with all the richness and deification of the Sacraments, with a wonderfully composed divine service that delights the spirit and body, with this Divine rite of the Holy Sacraments, with these delightful grief readings, sweet chants, majestic rituals, with all the heavenly celebrations on earth; for me the Divine Body and Blood of the God-Man and union with God; for me, the descent from heaven of the Son of God, the incarnation of God, the teaching of God, the countless miracles of the Old and New Testaments - finally, terrible suffering, the blasphemous and most painful death of the God-man, the resurrection from the dead, the ascension and His second and terrible coming. My mind is perplexed at the thought of such great and immense blessings of my God to me. What am I doing? What is the correspondence on my part to such great blessings of God? All that is required of me is love for God, obedience to Him, fulfillment of His commandments, which are not burdensome. Am I fulfilling them? I don't comply. Why? Through strange negligence, thoughtlessness, ingratitude. But if only he hadn’t performed it! No, I do evil every day: every day, every minute I most cruelly insult my greatest benefactor, my God, with my malice, envy, pride, arrogance, hard-heartedness, stinginess, greed, lust, gluttony, drunkenness, fornication, disobedience, idle talk, laughter, blasphemy, deceit, deceit, murmuring, blasphemy, impatience, frivolity, doubt, lack of faith and unbelief, infighting, quarrels, suspicion, slander, malice, gloating, negligence, omission, laziness, gluttony, gluttony, drunkenness, slander, indifference to the misfortune of my neighbor, disobedience to the authority established for my good. What should I do now? - Cry and sob about my many fierce sins. Fellow brothers! This is our common misfortune - let us all cry and sob because we have innumerably angered the all-good God, our Provider and Savior, with our countless and great iniquities. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted [Matt. 5, 4]. Fasting is a guide to incorruption, a source of strength, sobriety of spirit, and light. Proof of this is all the fasters, saints, martyrs, hierarchs, their wonderful, sweet, sublime writings, their wonderful life, their blessed death, their incorruptible remains. No, under no circumstances should you touch milk, not only during fasting, but, if possible, never: it causes extremely strong prodigal irritation of the reproductive organ. It's time, it's time to kill your body and enslave [1 Cor. 9, 26]. Help, Lord! I thank the Lord for His inexpressible mercy shown to me today in the church of the training crew during the service of the hours and the funeral service for the body of the servant of God Love (Voskoboynikova). My nerves were extremely irritated from the St. Petersburg air and from the not-so-perfect stomach, and especially from irritation at the beggars. For a long time the hellish worm sucked at my heart, confused, oppressed, raped, instilled fear, timidity, and mistrust of myself. Finally, the grace of the Spirit came to my sighs and tears and reigned in me, renewed me, strengthened me, encouraged me, pacified me, revived me, and I completed all the service well. The first prayer: Lord, like Your Most Holy Spirit... I said timidly, with missing words; at the third hour, Thy apostle sent down the prayer of Saint Ephraim the Syrian, Lord and Master of my life... also spoke fearfully, especially with the words: the spirit of chastity, humility, patience and love... these words were spoken especially fearfully and with haste by the devil’s wiles; and then he spoke without stumbling... Glory to the Lord about this! How weak, sinful, corrupt, unclean, wicked, adulterous, and cowardly I am! He sinned before God and people and before the Angels by becoming angry with the beggars, and especially with one of them, who, after being given two kopecks, asked for more shoes; I shouted at him, reached out my hand in anger to pull his hair, but it turned out to be very small, and added: I will dishevel you. Oh, my hard-heartedness and stinginess! Oh, God's patience! How do people now deny Christ and His commandments? Here's how. For example, during Great Lent, even in the first week, when according to church regulations the strictest fasting and dry eating is observed once a day, someone invites me to join his meal, which I do not know what it is, and I agree - I go and eat before the legal time: if I like it, I eat greedily; after two or three hours I go to see someone on some matter; this someone offers tea - I don’t refuse; he didn’t have lunch, he offers to have lunch with him, saying that he has everything fast: I don’t refuse, and I have lunch again (fortunately, I have an appetite), so I renounce Christ for the second time; Finally, I come home, my wife plaintively says: oh, you haven’t eaten for a long time: eat quickly - I have an excellent soup, sweet jelly with almond milk: I say: yes, I’ve already eaten - well, that’s okay, there will be a place for jelly: how can you refuse such a good food? “And I am tempted by sweets, and I eat for the third time, and I am full, and I renounce Christ for the third time.” This happened to me on Clean Monday 1874. This is how people now renounce Christ for the sake of their belly. These are the subtle, imperceptible temptations that now come to us from the world, from the flesh and the devil! Has anything similar happened to you, brothers? Remember. I curse my damnation, my greed, my gluttony. I am a greedy and insatiable wolf. But, Lord, from now on grant me to be abstinent by Thy grace, I pray to Thee; grant me to be attentive to myself and to Your commandments. At night today there was a prodigal temptation, without shedding semen: here is your satiety, here is lean food for you, consumed three or four times a day, here is sweet jelly with almond milk! Yes, this is ten times worse than one quick lunch, or even two! Oh, slaves of the womb, and not of Christ! Lord, give wisdom to my wife as well as to me! Send temptations to her, as to me, so that she does not forget, and does not continually tempt me. Oh, how all sorts of passions constantly tempt me. How blessed I am for my sins! I sinned before God many times yesterday and today - and many times the Lord accepted my repentance, had mercy and saved me, delivering me from confusion, oppression, sorrow, fire, shame. Today, in a rage, I tore up a bag containing three rubles for Dr. Shvonk for treating the illness of two small children, Rufina and Elisaveta, and because my wife was stubborn about the doctor’s address. I wrote to Mr. Doctor, and she demanded to write to His Highness - I became stubborn, annoyed with her, and tore it up. Oh women! How many temptations there are because of them! But I don’t justify me, a man: I too am a lot to blame; I am guilty of stubbornness, malice, envy, selfishness, stinginess, pride, irritability. And also a priest, I publicly teach others: while I teach others, am I not teaching myself? [Rom. 2, 21]. I am stubborn, capricious, enraged by passions and want people to adapt to me, and I don’t want to adapt to others, for example, to my wife; I want her to echo me in wrong matters. What is this? – Devilish pride, devilish self-will. It is said: let each of you please his neighbor for the good of creation [Rom. 15, 2]. I did not please the good and upset peace and love. I am strictly and strictly 50 guilty. And by the way, because he didn’t keep the fast: he ate early and drank in the morning at nine o’clock, when there was no need for it. O holy faith! I insulted you - I did not live and live according to your suggestion! O holy hope! I have insulted you—I did not live and live according to [hope], but as one who has no hope. Oh holy love! I have cruelly insulted and continue to insult you, living and living not in love, but in enmity, malice, quarrels, envy. Without number, I have been delivered by the faith of Christ from my sins and passions - yes, I will be delivered again! May I also glorify the holy faith! God! Accept my repentance and transform my wolfish brutality into sheepish meekness, I pray. What I recently said in a lesson over the deceased Voskoboynikova, I myself did not fulfill and acted contrary to what was said, for I said to despise everything corruptible, not to cleave to the world and its blessings, and I myself regretted the doctor three rubles, which my wife sent for the children; it seemed like a lot to send three rubles for two visits. Isn’t it me that the Lord sends generously for my unworthy labors, for small labors? - I forget it. Where is selflessness?.. Oh, all-evil, multi-passionate flesh! Oh, satanic nest! Glory to Thee, beneficent, benevolent Lord, for with Thy righteous punishments you have sobered our souls from the drunkenness of passions and the fire of Gehenna, here tested in little ways, and delivered us from the eternal fire of Gehenna. If I weigh my whole life on the scales of God’s truth, it will turn out that it is all full of sins, stumblings, falls, various passions - and at the same time, filled with countless mercies of God; I sinned constantly - and I was constantly merciful through faith, prayer, and heartfelt repentance. Was it not because of money, was it not because of covetousness that today I hated and despised both Dr. Shvonk and my wife and got angry and tore the bag of money? This is the cruel and disastrous passion of greed! Has the Lord ever abandoned me? Have I been deprived of anything? No. Why don’t I trust in the Lord, in His wonderful providence, but cling to money, as if to some gods, as if they, and not God, give me life and contentment! Why do I adore ashes? Where is the faith? Where is the spiritual mind? Where is the spiritual wisdom that despises everything that is worthless and perishable? Where is the holy zeal for fulfilling the commandments of Christ? Where is love, enduring everything, not being irritated, not thinking evil [1 Cor. 13, 1–8 ? Where is the worship of God in spirit and truth? Where is the inner correction, purification, enlightenment, affirmation that ascends to perfection? Thank God that He tempts you, reveals your passions, so that you recognize them and correct yourself; thank people, for example your wife, through whom temptation comes, and use these cases as saving medicine sent to you; a mental illness has come to the surface - heal it with repentance, prayer with tears, fasting, vigil, self-mortification, almsgiving, contemplation of God, reading the word of God and the writings of the holy fathers. Theater is a vanity of vanities; the vain world seeks vanity, that which is after it. The theater is a school of all kinds of vanity. Escape the bustle of the world. Cling to the Church - the school of truth and virtue. I demand obedience from my wife, and I myself set an example of disobedience - her disobedience in an empty, easiest matter: writing the address to the doctor at her request. He sinned and went crazy despite his intelligence and prudence. How many times a day do I betray my God, the Lord Jesus Christ, His holy law - the heavenly law of love, humility, obedience, meekness, gentleness, sincere goodwill towards everyone, non-covetousness, abstinence, purity and chastity! Do not have the slightest grudge against anyone, for grieving and enmity are communion with the devil’s malice, and from frequently repeated grieving comes hatred - and hatred destroys and eradicates love from the heart. Hatred is the ruin of the entire law that is love. Do not be upset with your family and do not feel sorry for them, for the Lord is good and generous and will not deprive you of His material gifts, as He has not deprived you before: there is nothing for you to grieve, be embarrassed about, or fear poverty. I thank the Lord, who poured out His indescribable mercy on me last night after my repeated intense prayers for mercy, when I was in cramped conditions and the fire of Gehenna from anger at the beggars and from the grief of one of them at the refusal of his request (for a shirt). satisfied. I praise the Lord, long-suffering and abundantly merciful. Today there is severe frost under a clear, cloudless sky. I thank the Lord for the beneficial effect of fasting on me: easy, calm, spacious. Why are all our services structured in the form of dialogue? Here is the wisdom of God. Who knows? The Lord said: where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them [Matt. 18, 20]. This means that if only two served Matins, Mass or Vespers and there was no one else, then the Lord would undoubtedly be among them, according to the false promise of the Lord Himself. I thank the Lord, who helped me make confession to one hundred and seventy people in the first week of Lent. Having begun to serve early mass today for many communicants, I felt internally, spiritually and physically dead, weak, and lacking boldness; the voice was weak from a weak, passion-bound heart. I resorted to contrition and tears, and as I became more and more deeply contrite and my tears became hotter and more abundant, I began to feel in myself a greater and greater influx of life-giving grace - cleansing, healing, enlightening, pacifying, strengthening, encouraging. I shed many tears, deeply feeling my poverty, my damnation, my weakness. Having received the Holy Mysteries, I immediately perked up. He spoke the sermon with animation - a sermon of his own composition. During the communion of the communicants, the enemy stammered and did not allow me to speak - I fought. However, everything ended well. I thank the Lord for performing a most heavenly, life-giving, terrible sacred rite. May the divine and life-giving Mysteries accepted today not be in vain for anyone, may they bear fruit a hundredfold. (While performing the liturgy, I felt that my spiritual weakness came from excess in food, especially in the evening.) In the evenings there is nothing to eat. Please, Lord, don't eat. I was greatly ashamed today through my grief and anger at my wife for suddenly allowing me to eat fish (on Saturday of the First Week of Lent): and she, as always, was upset with me, and when I left the table, I thanked God and her for the bread and salt, for I am accustomed to thank her, too, since because of her God gave me a real place, she did not usually kiss my hands. And my heart was wounded, and troubled, and weak; and when I served a prayer service in a German’s store in Nazarova’s house, I was not myself, embarrassed, constrained, depressed, dishonest in myself - and it was painful for me to serve a prayer service here for the blessing of water, the audience was almost all German or English, cold; The Russians were Kozma Mikhailovich Nazarov, Mikhail T. Sizov, Vasily Romanovich Boyle, Pyotr Semenovich Bryantsev (ran away). I hurried to the gymnasium, to the sixth grade: the students had dispersed. When he came home, he gave his wife money and kissed her. He still hasn’t left his anger, you damned one. I repented of my severity, my grumpiness, my arrogance and my malice, but many sins and invisible enemies from the gathered people overcame me - the Lord did not listen to me, evil, because I was not reconciled with my wife. Theater is a depiction of real, vain life and at the same time a secret approval of this life; people in the theater laugh at their vices, vicious inclinations, cunning, their cunning, their resourcefulness - in a word, in the theater the world laughs at itself, reads loud praise to itself and seems to say: continue to live like this, for this is your life, your pleasure, your fun. Let us also depict the world in its real life and show its absurdity, monstrosity, perversion, for example, let us depict the absurdity of this life, how, for example, the world turns night into day, spending it in a card game, in drinking, in dancing (in bacchanalia), in laughter, in immodest conversations and the like, which is shameful to even talk about. Now is Great Lent, and the Liturgy of Basil the Great and the Presanctified Gifts is being served: let us depict these services, their essence, purpose, penitential character. How do we forget our great dignity, that we are created in the image of God, and do not appreciate this greatest gift of God - we remain ungrateful before God, constantly desecrating the image of God in ourselves with vices and attachment to corruptible things? How do we forget that we have been redeemed by the priceless Blood of Christ God, and remain ungrateful before the Lord, do not strive for the heavenly Kingdom with Christ, live only for the earth and for earthly pleasures? Are we crucifying the Son of God again with our passions? In order not to be responsible before God at the Last Judgment for the people entrusted to us, whom we must lead and save, we must present before the eyes of the world the wrongness of its actions, vanity, depravity, temporary and eternal harm, and not remain silent, so that the world does not appear wise in itself, but may it recognize its own folly. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance of my malice (I kicked one beggar in the butt in the church portico) and who, throughout the entire all-night vigil, gave me a wealth of tenderness and tears and spiritual contemplation, the knowledge of the deep corruption of my nature, my heart - and the high dignity of human nature, created in the image and likeness of God and redeemed, assimilated, deified by the God-Man. But in the depths 51 Belial crouched and still, no matter how little, tormented and confused me, making me afraid of the word. The cigar I smoked late last night cost me many tears during the liturgy: my soul has grown cold, my voice has become weak (how harmful it is to smoke!), my nerves have sunk to the extreme: I am afraid and afraid of everything - I don’t know what. At the great entrance, I could not pronounce the royal family: it was extremely difficult to speak; Moreover, the fear is demonic. I received communion, thank God, into revival, peace, spaciousness and joy. Yesterday I became an associate of everyone who corrupts themselves by smoking! With those lips through which I taste the Divine Mysteries, the most pure Body and Blood of Christ, yesterday I allowed myself to smoke a cigar during Lent. Is there now a place for whims, when eating bread is only allowed occasionally? That's why I suffered - I melted, disappeared during mass. Why can’t you pronounce the names of the royal family and the names of some saints? – From a lack of heartfelt love and inner reverence. The enemy has delighted, or stolen, this due feeling: one must humiliate oneself to the extreme with inner self-abasement and resurrect the dead feeling of love, respect and reverence for the greatness of the royal office and royal persons and saints, and in general for the dignity of man as an image of God and a member of Christ (a Christian). I thank the Lord, who reconciled me with my clerk; after reconciliation, how I calmly and solemnly performed the Holy Blessing of Unction over Krayushkina Evdokia!! I thank the Lord, who resolved the ties of heart and tongue. And at Vespers I was not myself when the sexton sang the prokeimenon badly. I was extremely upset. But I had to be calm; instead, I was extremely embarrassed and could not say the prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian at Compline another time. Wait - there will be a great solution to everything that we see in the world, to all the seeming contradictions. Life is a great parable or riddle, the resolution of which is freely given to each of us. Blessed is he who solves it with common sense and deeds, guided by the word of God and the Church. Monday of the Second Week of Lent. Morning. The ethereal villain scolded me cruelly today because of yesterday’s evening of gluttony and satiety. (Oh, pregnant demon!) He was embarrassed and angry at the sexton during Matins for his careless, senseless, insensitive, monotonous reading and singing. Here is the amazing composure and calmness of insensibility and immobility of heart in the sexton! You can learn such composure and calmness that, while doing your job (good or bad), you remain calm and not worry in any way whether others are doing well or not. (I feel the excess of food in my sides and in my stomach; how harmful excess is, how it deadens the soul, confuses, weakens, darkens!) I sinned before God by giving alms with grief and annoyance, grumbling and blasphemy, saying to myself with annoyance that my fellow (envy) archpriests and deacons do not give alms and live calmly, completely contented, without stumbling, unperturbed, there is not a single temptation for them, but I, the giver of alms, am irritated every day by beggars, and I upset myself, I offend, I get angry, I get upset. Is it really necessary to give alms to Christ Himself, who receives it in the person of the poor? And will He not repay and reward a hundredfold? – This has been tested a thousand times. You don’t feel sorry for rubles for things you don’t need, but the poor person feels sorry for what you need. It is true that there are many poor people who ask, but there are also many mercies from God towards me. I did not remain ashamed because of the beggars. Lord, have mercy on me! I have sinned, damned one! Be completely imbued with the spirit of the Gospel, the spirit of love and mercy. I want mercy, not sacrifice [Matt. 9, 13]. I was hungry, and you gave me food and other things [Matt. 25, 35]. In order not to be burdened by almsgiving, sincerely remember the many sins and what you deserve for them, then you will not be burdened by almsgiving, but you will be glad that you have the opportunity to earn yourself mercy from God through almsgiving. In God is my life, my peace; May my soul be rich in God, and not in money and things. For He Himself said: I will never leave you nor forsake you [Heb. 13:5], - and this word came true and is coming true. As the beggars were distributed, the given was always replenished. Again I fell into worldly addiction, again my insides were lined with dope, fire, thorns, and weakness; Through this again he fell into hostility towards God and his neighbor and destroyed his peace of mind. Oh, this is covetousness, horrified by giving to one’s neighbor, but sparing nothing for oneself! Oh, this is voluptuousness and gluttony! How the poor soul suffers from them! And rightly so! Do not cling to corruption! Imperishable being, my soul, do not cleave to corruptible things, lest corruption kill you forever, separating you from God, from His love and your neighbor, for you cannot work for God and wealth [Matt. 6, 24]. Do not be discouraged or faint, but be punished by God for your addictions, for these punishments are medicine for the soul. (Don’t eat meat soup during Lent.) I constantly sin against devotion to the will of God, which I so often confirm in church prayer, saying: let us commit ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God; often the beginning of my thoughts, feelings, words, undertakings, actions, I have my sinful, passionate will, my vicious inclinations, intentions and goals, sinful habits, and not the will of God, holy, perfect (I repent before the Lord). In the subject I have to please myself, my many-passionate flesh, and not God and my neighbor. According to the all-wise Gospel of the Lord, one should sell one’s property in order to give to the poor [Matt. 19, 21], and I, the accursed one, acquire property, so that through this I can take away from the poor the surplus that God has given me for them. The Lord says: if anyone wants to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me [Matt. 16, 24], and I, the accursed one, love myself more, my old, corruptible, vile person - and therefore I suffer internally. Under the shadow of the pious sovereign, the Church freely fulfills its high purpose and all subjects happily go about their business: sciences, arts and crafts flourish, as well as agriculture, gardening, winemaking; justice does its work without restraint; mercy and truth meet, justice and peace kiss [Ps. 84, 11 ]; the infirm, the old, orphans, widows, and the poor are treated or find satisfaction in court for the insults inflicted on them; labor and merit are rewarded; Vice is punished, virtue triumphs, and vice does not dare raise its head. Countless blessings of heaven and earth are poured out by the Heavenly King on people through the earthly king. Therefore, the Church fervently prays always and many times a day for her anointed one, and she accepted this holy custom from Jesus Christ and the apostles. On special days, the Church with particular solemnity performs its prayers for its Tsar, for example, on the days of accession to the throne, coronation and anointing to the throne, on birthdays and namesakes. And fair enough. May love, reverence, gratitude and devotion to our king and to his entire royal house be established in our hearts. The Lord surprised me with His blessed power during Matins and especially during the Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts, driving away from me, through the prayer of my heart, my annoyancer, the invisible villain, who was fouling me with his fox and wolf tail. Oh, how much inner prayer, faith and hope mean! During Matins, since yesterday evening, weakness, tightness, fear remained in the insides, and especially in the sides - and the Lord drove away everything. During the liturgy, the Lord gave tears of tenderness; after communion I did not feel any particular warmth, but I was calm; I read the prayer behind the pulpit slowly, loudly, unfalteringly, to the end, with boldness. Glory to the grace of God, perfected in my weakness! Confirm, O Lord, this which you have done in me. February 19. The accession of the Emperor to the All-Russian throne. So again, at this very moment the Lord renewed His mercy on me. Anger at my wife and other household for neglecting the stove in the hallway, which almost started a fire, corrupted me, caused me illness, cramped conditions, and sorrow; but I called earnestly to the Lord - and death turned into life, confusion into peace, cramped space into space, sickness into health. Glory to the Sovereign for this by all! Existed 52 Let creation sing to the Lord and exalt it to all ages 53 . February 19. Have mercy on me, Lord, have mercy on me, ever 54 sinning. I thank the Lord for the boldness and strength through my strong prayer, given to me during the service of Matins. Oh, how much the disembodied enemy tormented me at the beginning, confused me, wounded me, fought me! I read the canon - it inspired and strengthened me! All-bad selfishness (conceit) confuses me during worship, embarrassing me. God! You beat me for her, and I still haven’t left her, foolish and stubborn. Help me, Lord, from now on to knock her out - and surrender all of myself to You. Wake up! I thank the Lord for the heavenly gift of celebrating the Presanctified Liturgy and communion of the immortal and life-giving Mysteries. I had an extremely severe temptation during mass because of my sexton Preobrazhensky: I told him to sing stichera, and he said: it’s difficult. And what kind of work does it take to sing, monotonous and careless? “But through faith and repentance the Lord defeated the ethereal enemies in me and took away my passions. Glory to the Lord for this! I thought: if you deliberately do mischief, then you are self-condemned, and I will not be angry with you. It was very difficult for me in class and I felt terribly sleepy. But this was the work of the enemy who tormented me. Let me not forget that through the Nesvitskys I have everything from the Lord: a place, an apartment, all contentment, and honor (partly through myself), and everything of my household, and my closest relatives in my homeland. Respect and love them, be forgiving, patient, grateful, humble. God! I thank You, our wonderful Provider, our Benefactor. And thank you for the gymnasium. If the Lord Himself approached you daily and several times for alms, whatever it may be, would you not joyfully give Him what you required and would you be ready to give Him the last, remembering that He, the Lord your God, laid down His life for you in order to save you from eternal torment and give you eternal life. But now the Lord Himself, in the person of various beggars, actually comes to you several times every day. Why are you, you of little faith, indignant, angry, angry at those who come to you, scolding them, sometimes giving up alms with anger and vexation? Are you angry with Christ, the Lamb who takes away the sins of the world and yours, meek and gentle? Are you angry with the Lord, the most generous and long-suffering? Do you throw the ashes of money to Him with annoyance, for which you feel sorry for Him? - Oh, evil! Ingratitude, stinginess, greed, selfishness! And every day you partake of the heavenly Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ! Forgive wisdom, let us hear the Holy Gospel 55: thus, often teaching us to listen to the Holy Scriptures, the Church teaches us together straightforwardness and simplicity of heart, from the lack of which we suffer so much in life. A straightforward, simple-hearted person is always calm and happy with everything, not suspicious, not proud, not angry, not irritable, not stingy, gives alms in simplicity, shows mercy with good will [Rom. 12, 8], sociable, amiable. But a crafty and suspicious person, like me, is never pleased with almost anyone: everything and everyone tempts him, and the kindest people towards him seem to be tempted, not to mention others who do not treat him warmly or respectfully. Oh holy simplicity! Reign in me! If I had not been greedy and selfish, angry and irritable, if I had been simple and sociable towards everyone, I would not have walked in such, at times, cramped conditions. God! let me love my enemies too, or, better yet, let me consider no one an enemy, let me consider everyone my brothers, sisters, friends, well-wishers. So I am weak (cursed and multi-passionate) in soul and body, that if I remain without communion of the Divine Mysteries for one day, then I become weaker in spirit and body, I become more receptive to sin, my mind and heart become darkened and corrupted; moral strength weakens; temptations and falls increase. For glory to Your Divine, renewing and life-giving Mysteries, Lord! For after them I am peaceful, free, joyful, strong in soul and body; the enemy flees, passions cease. In a stone building on the seashore: the wind is strong, the waves are huge; the building sways due to the pressure of wind and waves; I'm in fear with someone close. Out of fear, I leave the building, walk along the shore and, looking at the building, I’m afraid that it might fall on me and crush me. Our life is a dilapidated building, constantly threatening destruction. Storm is a temptation. Listen carefully, brethren, to the divine service of the Holy Church: everything that is read, sung, and said is most necessary for us in this life and after death. Yesterday I sinned by gluttony: I ate a lot of prosphyra, today I feel excess and burden. How long will speechlessness last? How long is the craze for deliciousness? How long will you be deceived? How long should I not fast? – Today there is one meal a day and not enough. Yesterday, upon arriving home, a terrible storm of anger befell me against my sister-in-law, Anna, who had arrived to us; I barely left this storm with tears of repentance before God; and then, having come to the dining room and began to eat her prosfry, I looked at her without any passionate movement - almost even the opposite passionate movement was not overcome. This is the old man in me! How angry, stubborn, prodigal, envious, impatient! Oh, my evil and malice! Today, leaving for mass in the morning, I was internally upset with my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna, feeling hostility towards her, and said: if you want to say goodbye, goodbye, and reluctantly, he casually blessed her and just as reluctantly kissed her with hostility, imagining in her my opponent and ill-wisher - and for this I was wounded in my heart, hellish fire blazed in me. And so I began to repent to the Lord, blame myself, condemn myself without mercy, that I had ruined and violated the entire Gospel of the Lord, despising His most important commandment - love. For a long time I repented in cramped conditions and fear and confusion, and - oh most merciful Lord!! “You again heeded my repentance, took away my guilt, extinguished the fire in me from hell, turned cramped conditions into space, confusion into peace, fear into courage.” Glory to Your compassion, glory to Your strength, Lord! Several times later I fell spiritually, plunging into sorrow and oppression, out of grief at the sexton - again I repented of violating the Gospel, mercilessly condemned myself - and again the Lord had mercy on me. Oh, how strong is my pride and anger! And at home, in the evening, I got upset and shouted at my wife and threatened her over trifles, that the chair was smeared with molasses (on which I was sitting) and what dishes my wife did not know. I'm damned! When will I fix my heart? I thank the Lord, who showed me His all-powerful help during the celebration of Compline, to which I came with a snack from Timofey Aleksandrovich Moiseev and was subjected to devilish fear, self-doubt and embarrassment. When I fervently prayed to the Lord for help and forgiveness of sins, I soon felt the power of God coming upon me and giving me peace, silence, and boldness. Timofey Alexandrovich's enemy embarrassed me and burned me with carnal pleasures when I looked at two beautiful girls. In class (in the fourth) I had an unclean, inappropriate, confusing, captivating thought. And this is all because of the fish, and because of the wine, and because of gorging on prosphora. Science - don't eat too much in future. About seventh grade. Severe reprimand. (Made on February 23.) How long will I torture the Lord! How long have I not been confident in Him, how long have I not trusted His ways? How long will I not fast? - Yesterday I greedily ate indigenous fish (village woman) - and soon it became difficult: it lay like a burden on my heart and stomach, and at night I felt a strong lustful excitement; there is a bad feeling in the mouth, there is a heaviness in the stomach and chest. Why was I seduced by the proposal of my wife, as Adam was once by the proposal of Eve? How long will I serve this demon - gluttony? Leave all the villagers for Lent. Worthy and righteously, today in Church during Matins I was subjected to the bitterest temptation from my passions and from the spirits of malice: because of yesterday’s satiation with fish food, today the evil enemy, like a leaf of a tree, shook me because the archpriest took for himself the golden vestments for walking to the parish, in which we serve: I felt sorry for them, that they took away from us such godly splendor. And I was completely indignant: I could not speak the litany at the Midnight Office; at Matins until the Six Psalms, too, - only thanks to the prayers of the lamp I calmed down barely, had boldness in the Lord and said loudly, loudly the great litany; then I was strengthened by the spirit of prayer and repentance, and by disregard for the body, and by concentrated attention to the incorruptible soul, so much offended by carnal passions, and to the greatness, wisdom, goodness, holiness, and omnipotence of God, which I must always glorify silently. After Matins, I went to the archpriest’s house and kindly begged him not to always take golden vestments to the parish; I found him completely calm, kind and did not find in him at all what I expected. Now I see that Nikolai the altar watchman did not have any cunning or guile against me, as it seemed to me at Matins. I thank the Lord for his extraordinary help during Matins. I extremely angered the Lord by overeating and drunkenness and vanity. Because of empty things, I was terribly confused: I forgot God, and prayer for the world, for the salvation of souls redeemed by the Blood of Christ, and for my soul. But the Lord became my life even in death, in the midst of confusion - peace, in cramped space, in sorrow - consolation, in weakness - strength, in terrible temptation - powerful deliverance, in cowardice and despondency - courage. Away with decay! Reign incorruption in our souls to the glory of the name of God! Grant me, Lord, to humble myself in the depths of my heart and in no way be hostile to my brother, no matter what he is guilty of, really or imaginary, for a brother (as created in the image of God and as a member of himself and of Christ) must be spared and protected even when he sins, and enmity is the destruction of the law of God and the work of the devil. We must pray for the sinner, even for our enemy and troublemaker. Carnal wisdom still dominates me. What is wisdom of the flesh? For example, as if you need to eat and drink a lot, as if you need to collect as much property and especially money as possible in order to live carefree 56 and in all contentment; as if you should always have fun, or kill, time; as if one should be angry and angry because of empty things or at enemies, at faulty people, at those who sin; as if you need to sleep a lot; as if there is no need to read the Gospel, but only secular books; as if you don’t need to go to church, but just pray at home; as if we can avoid going to confession and communion without harming ourselves; as if theater is not reprehensible for a Christian; as if fasting is not needed, worship is not necessary; as if chastity is not necessary and one can violate it without fear or remorse; as if life was given for enjoyment; as if the world formed by itself; as if there is no God; as if there will be no resurrection of the dead; as if you can end your life without being subject to responsibility and eternal punishment; as if the incarnation of the Son of God, His suffering on the cross, His death and resurrection were not necessary for our redemption and salvation. This is the wisdom of the flesh! This is the devil's wisdom! Because of gluttony, my face becomes rough and old. Because of the fish. What a stench it makes in the wind! To receive a salary in the Duma: send to Sura and Verkola. I sinned before God - in the evening, out of frustration, I grabbed one beggar by the hair and tore him (insolence!), a tall, burly man. At home he attacked his wife, scolded her, and despised her in words and looks. I sing: Set, O Lord, a guard against my mouth and a door of protection over my lips [Ps. 140, 3], and I myself do not block my accursed lips from abuse and bitter bile. Oh, my careless, evil, selfish, proud, impatient disposition! Last night I ate a lot, and greedily, of sieve bread with almond milk and jam, oatmeal with smelt and radishes - and once a day, and a lot: in the morning I felt heavy. I sinned before the Lord and before people and before my soul! Lord, have mercy! The Matins service showed me that last night after confession I fell into gluttony: my heart was extremely weak and passionate, restless; Litany at the Midnight Office and at the beginning of Matins could not speak due to enemy opposition; I spoke the great litany loudly and unfailingly, thanks to the effect on the heart of the magnificent prayers of the chanting, but then I could not speak the funeral litanies and all the litanies in general calmly, being offended by the sexton Alexei Preobrazhensky, whose wooden, insensitive, careless, hasty, with large omissions, reading and singing of the (immaculate) kathisma of the 18th I extremely did not like. However, the little one is worthy of leniency; But those who are strong, like us priests, will be more severely tormented 57 [Wis. 6, 6]. It was my own fault through my haste, zeal, and zeal; I myself am guilty of countless sins, especially lust and gluttony, malice, hatred, pride, arrogance, contempt; my heart is filled with extreme and great illnesses. How can I not have mercy on my brother? - and I was upset with Nikolai the watchman today for not delivering the censer on time. Because of every trifle, because of trifles, I get upset with the brethren, just as at home I get irritated with soulless things and shout at them. Because of me, because of my sins, perhaps the sexton Alexey suffers from coldness and insensibility and negligence. God! Have mercy, correct us all, especially me, the most indecent. While reading the prayer for communion, the enemy terribly opposed me and tried to embarrass me with anger and contempt for the reader and watchman Nikolai. I could barely resist. At Matins, I did not speak the last special litany because of demonic confusion and fear. The spirit of malice completely relaxed my soul. Oh, damned me, I have no spirit of meekness and humility! But I was not awarded this grace for my intemperance. Saturday. It was extremely difficult for me today at late mass: the hostile feeling towards the sexton continued, against my will, in my soul and throughout my whole being. Extreme crowding, burden and sorrow, hostility was renewed with the hasty singing of the cleric, who had been told long ago and recently not to rush in certain places; when I started communion, it was especially hard for me; sin embarrassed, oppressed, scourged, shamed me: I threw myself into the ground and repented. Finally, partly I calmed down and partook of the Holy Mysteries and, thank the Lord, I felt life, but soon, noticing the sexton’s laziness in singing during the crushing of the Lamb, I again felt dislike for him; he soon repented of it; he said the prayers for communion firmly; received communion with cramped conditions and some embarrassment; During the prayers of thanksgiving, I stood at the chalice, prayed and cried - I calmed down, although not completely. After consuming the Holy Gifts, he completely calmed down, having previously spoken to the Lord a word of hope: Lord! everything is possible for You: You can take away all sins and all burdens from my heart. Arriving home, I again became somewhat angry with my wife. And, being in cramped conditions, he went to the gymnasium; On the way, again through faith and trust, I was rewarded from the Lord with forgiveness of sins, peace and freedom - suddenly, from a clear presentation of myself before His gaze. I said: Lord, with the abyss of my sins and infirmities I am cast into the abyss of Your mercy, and immediately I received peace, ease, and freedom. After high school, I found my wife very affectionate towards me. Glory to the miracle-working Lord! Three and a half o'clock in the evening. And laughter and grief. Today during Matins I laughed (so the enemy relaxed my heart!) when Father Archpriest venerated the icons on the halves of the royal doors, and I opened them for the funeral litany at the 6th song of the canon. And before that I was in spiritual trouble, confused and cramped by evil spirits. After laughing I became even more embarrassed and hurt. Oh, heart! Heart! During the all-night vigil in the Duma church, the Lord miraculously delivered me four times through my prayer from great spiritual troubles - from confusion, burning, tightness, sorrow, and gave me peace, great consolation and tenderness, the sweet singing of Glory to God in the highest. Glory to the Almighty Savior! The priests who stand before the throne of the Lord and have an angelic rank must be pompous, heavenly in their thoughts, desires, aspirations and actions, as having a heavenly service, as those who must lead the sheep entrusted to them to the heavenly Kingdom. They should not be greedy, money-loving, ambitious, or addicted to earthly pleasures. Draw guidelines for Christian living for spiritual children with the most necessary information that should always be present to them. About God in Three Persons; about Jesus Christ, the Son of God as Savior and Judge; about the Church; about the Sacraments; about Baptism; about rebirth, adoption to God; about the Guardian Angel, about the attitude towards him; about Confirmation, about the shrine of a Christian; about Communion, or about the Body and Blood of Christ; about the need for communion, benefits, or fruits; about preparing for it with Repentance and Confession; about the grace of Repentance, about the power of forgiveness and non-permission of sin, about penance; about the Priesthood, its establishment, the highness of the dignity, about its beneficialness for the world: you are the light of the world... the salt of the earth [Matt. 5, 13 – 16 ]; about the duties of the rank, about the duties of the flock; about Marriage, about the holiness of marriage and its Divine establishment, its high significance; about the height of virginity; about the Blessing of Unction, its essence (Divine institution), its salvific value. I thank the Lord who gave me, an indecent one, miraculous help during the celebration of the liturgy in the Duma church and who revived me, who was dead, with His Divine Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who gave me calmness and boldness when speaking before the church meeting about the choice of a new elder; I thank the Lord, who has given me the high spiritual pleasure of glorifying Him, the all-good, wise and all-powerful, without stumbling and with boldness at two prayer services and especially at three baptisms. Oh, wonderful prayers! O wonderful name of our God! Wonderful are His works! Not a single word is enough to sing His wonders. God! And with a triumphant spirit we glorify You, according to Your grace; Thou also glorify us, Thy unworthy servants, and do not let us be reproached and insulted by those who trample upon us. Do not block the mouth of the threshing ox [1 Cor. 9, 9 ], but stop the mouths of those who rise up against us. Wake up! On the night of February 24-25, I saw myself in a dream surrounded by a gang of robbers like the poor burghers of Kronstadt, who forcibly seized our property with threats of murder in case of resistance. It was as if it was in Rambov 58, and not in Kronstadt. I thought: apparently there is no decent police here, and I think the people living here are extremely hard-hearted; here in Kronstadt, I thought, it’s much better. I experienced severe mental anguish - and then I woke up: I had rheumatism in my left arm from the shoulder joint; my stomach was clogged with buckwheat porridge and fish eaten late in the evening. In the evening I went to bed almost on an empty stomach, and did not get much sleep; I soon woke up; I think that I can’t sleep because my stomach is empty; I got up, went to the kitchen, asked for fried bream with buckwheat, and ate it. Then he read for a long time, then walked around the room, and lay down again - but the sleep was restless and because, in addition to food, the weather was not good: a thaw, a strong south-west wind. My little niece Pelageya (from my sister Daria) died in Verkola, where she was brought for a visit - the child probably caught a cold during the thirty-five-mile move. The kingdom of heaven to her; pure angelic darling. Without attending church and worship, or extremely rarely, a person becomes a playground of passions and soon dies. Therefore, every Christian, accept fear, live in the fear of God all the days of your life; make it more frequent to go to the church of God, say a fiery prayer to God - a prayer of repentance, petition, thanksgiving, glorification; do alms if you yourself want to be pardoned by God for your countless stumblings, falls, vices and passions; crush the sin that the enemy planted in you due to your laziness and passion - crush it with tears of repentance and accept the freedom of the Spirit. Birthday of the heir to Tsarevich Alexander Alexandrovich. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me His priceless, life-giving Gift—the communion of the holy, immortal, life-giving Mysteries. Liturgy of the Presanctified. Tuesday. I read the prayer behind the pulpit with difficulty due to mental and physical weakness. By the way, because of the bad weather, because at the end of mass there was severe bad weather outside with snow and a blizzard. After mass, a prayer service was served in the house of Gerasimov, at the house of the peasant merchant Zakhar Ivanovich; After the prayer they offered tea and a snack. He talked about the dangers of drunkenness: having seen on the wall an image of a strong storm at sea and a dying ship, he spoke about the sea of ​​life, raised by a storm of misfortunes, and about people as small and fragile boats, floating in this sea and being wrecked by the storm of passions, about steering the heart's rudder; about the commandments that rightly guide our boat, about the eradication of passions at the beginning; about constant vigil, so that our ship does not find itself on underwater rocks and crash. We prayed to the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God with great hope and boldness because of my just communion of the life-giving Mysteries. Glory to the Lord about everything. I wrote this at ten o’clock in the evening after waking up from sleep and drinking tea. By electing a new elder for the Assumption Church, we caused a storm: we irritated the merchants, supporters of Nikolai Sidorov, a highly proud, capricious, self-willed, proud, stubborn, persistent, impudent, vengeful, scolder, and mocker. But may the Lord not allow us, His servants, these self-important, proud rich men, who rely on their riches, to laugh at us; may he not allow his church to be trampled upon by these scoffers who blaspheme their shepherds and their archpastor; May the Lord break all the horns of sinners and may our horn ascend to the glory of God, for we wanted a pious, kind, truthful, peaceful, meek elder who would have a direct and kind attitude toward us, and not a Tatar like Nikolai Sidorov, who did not want to stand decently in the church for a single service and did not want to look directly at the holy altar. The only place for him is in the shop. Lord of the church! Deliver us soon from such an elder and bless and confirm Your chosen servant Alexei (Neustroyev) - a meek and pious man. Wake up! I drank tea infused with boiled water, and this tea was poisonous for me: it made my breathing difficult at night; I felt nervous pain in my arms, back, and legs; I couldn't sleep. I complain about women, my wife and sister-in-law, that they have no order in their household affairs; hanging out with the children until everything is forgotten, they do not delve into anything in the house: everything is in disarray, the time of eating and drinking tea is the most uncertain, sometimes they drink at night, like yesterday, the samovar often boils for two, three hours, and meanwhile they either sleep or chatter. My wife feasts (and I sometimes follow her) without any measure, without considering fasting - for her there is no fasting, for her everything is just grass. She is only flesh - without spirit; That's why she's fat and plump, like a fatted heifer. Sacred reading or prayers at home and in public are alien to her: she does not have the slightest taste for them. Neither her nor my sister (and my sister is in the same purely spirit, and in addition does not want to know any fasts) - I cannot have a cordial disposition for their gypsy ugly morals, for a life devoid of any order. For them there is no other world: they are the whole world. They judge and judge everyone, imagining that everyone should serve them, and they should serve no one; When someone comes to visit, they shy away and run around. Anna Konstantinovna, my wife’s sister, due to her position, has already surrounded herself with spies and informers, who tell her what the archpriest and priests of the church where she is a prospera maker are talking about her: she intimidated them in advance with the Metropolitan’s sister and Matrona Egorova, however, a venerable person. She herself is perky, she is afraid that everyone will offend her: she cannot tolerate a single word of remark or admonition - she will burst into tears at this moment. These are the people I have to live with and maneuver in the sea of ​​life. There must have been a strong sweetness from the veal soup, smelt, orange and sweet tea last night, or there was a strong rush of sweetness. We must henceforth definitely avoid eating fish at night. February 28. Thursday. Purely (Church Slav.) - twice as much: tregubo (Church Slav.) - three times as much. Squat (Church Slav.) - sit in ambush; oppress. Realize (church-glorified) – bring into being, into essence. Irmos of the 8th song of the Trinity Canon on the Sunday of the Midnight Office, tone 2. Ever (Church Glorious) – always, constantly. Exclamation before the reading of the Gospel at the service. Carefree (Church Slavic) – having no worries, uncaring (sadness – care, care). Torture (Church Glav.) – test, test, examine. 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