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Sunday. Worship of the Holy Cross. I curse my greed, my excessive eating of cold fish last night. Because of this greed, today I suffered much and cruelly from demons and from my own flesh during Matins and Mass; there was a strong tightness and pressure in my heart, embarrassment, despondency, and on my face there was shame. But I thank the Lord, for He did not do it according to my iniquities, but repaid the accursed me according to my sins [Ps. 102, 10], and he vouchsafed me to perform Matins and Mass quite well, although with a tightness of heart. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from new hardships that befell me again because of my anger at the beggars who pursued me everywhere (before praying to the mother in labor at the saddler’s house in Kovina’s house). I thank the Lord, who does not close the womb of His love for mankind before me, a sinner, but who remembers me in His mercy. Twelve o'clock in the afternoon. He sinned before God, became angry with his wife because of nothing, because of an empty pretext, and caused a quarrel, being predisposed to this by a painful, restless and anxious state of mind that arose because of the poor, because of the dissatisfaction of their request completely, according to their desire, but only partially. King of the world, Lord, have mercy on us and create peace among us again according to Your mercy. Behold, there is no peace in my bones because of my sins [Ps. 37, 4]. How many different ways, how many forms sin creeps and breaks into the soul! You need to constantly watch, pray, fast, and do charity with zeal! God! Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil [Matt. 6, 13]. I sinned before God by allowing hostility towards the poor, and then towards my wife - on a day like Sunday of the Week of the Cross. Do not allow hostility towards any person under any circumstances, lest you become a devil - a misanthrope - but always love everyone, be lenient with everyone, be patient, forgive everyone, forgive everyone, caress them, pray for everyone as for yourself. I thank the Lord, who heard my prayer for the reconciliation of me and my wife and disposed her towards peace. As soon as we were reconciled, I immediately felt at ease, and I performed the christening with boldness. But, later visiting Ivan Andreevich Kozhevnin, I sinned - I drank an extra glass of sherry and therefore became somewhat intoxicated, so that when they called me to bid farewell to the sick Evdokia Vasilievna Serebreninova, my tongue was not free with a confused and constricted heart and a darkened mind; I couldn’t pronounce some words and was in great shame. You must always be sober in order to be always ready to answer. I repent, Lord. With the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matt. 7, 2]: if you, being at enmity with someone, but then, having come to your senses, begin to repent of him secretly and change your disposition, your hostility towards your neighbor into disposition and affection, condemning yourself in everything, and excusing your neighbor, then he will mutually change towards you internally and will be ready to reconcile with you. On the night of March 1st, from the bathhouse, sweet cranberry jelly with almond milk, and because I allowed myself to be washed with soap in the bathhouse by someone else, which I had never done before, and from a warm blanket in a warmly heated room at night, prodigal desecration occurred; I read the cleansing prayers with contrition of heart and lay down again. During the day I felt heat inside; in the morning I walked on the wall 59. I sinned to strengthen my strength: I drank a glass of milk during the week of the Cross. At lunch I allowed myself to be full, especially with buckwheat porridge with butter and almond milk; it was hard all evening; I walked a lot in the air. I am an arrogant, foolish, ungrateful idolater. I sinned gravely before the Lord - I grumbled, as it were, against the Lord, who is generous and merciful to me more than anyone else, and against the merchants here, and against everyone, that, because of their failure to give alms, all the beggars in Kronstadt leaned on me, a sinner, that no one gives to them, that the merchants and others are only hoarding money. To be irritated with one’s neighbor means to cause the greatest harm to one’s soul, to destroy one’s soul, to plunge it into confusion, into the fire of Gehenna, into sorrow, cramped conditions and terrible misfortune. This is how it happened to me today, after I got angry at the beggars who were chasing me, asking me for alms a second or third time (some, not all), and out of frustration I pulled out two of them by the hair. After talking with one of them, I became convinced that need was forcing them to chase me. I asked him for forgiveness for my insolence, for my hardness of heart. March 7, 1874 Seven o'clock in the evening. When I lose through sin (for example, through anger, hardness of heart, a lustful thought, a lustful movement of the heart, through the love of money) the grace of God, peace, freedom, boldness, spaciousness of soul, then only I will realize how precious these gifts of God are, which I did not appreciate when I enjoyed them in a state of some kind of innocence. I say of some kind because we do not have perfect innocence and are always guilty before the Lord, Who alone is holy. (You will not quickly restore the health of your soul when you lose it. This teaches you to value its health and be in every possible way afraid of sin, especially malice, fornication, gluttony, and greed.) May I not destroy with my insolence, my hardness of heart, the beating of the poor, may I not destroy all my good deeds and my alms; Yes, I give in simplicity, meekness, humility, kindness, with zeal, love, patience, selflessness, with joy, as if receiving a profit, and not losing. I sinned gravely before God when I became angry with the beggars on the Sunday of the Cross and tore out two of them by the hair when they were chasing me out of their need, hoping to beg me for more alms. I have insulted and offended Christ our Savior Himself in the person of these poor people, I have embittered His members and at the same time I have offended His member, His infinite goodness, His endless bounties. I repent of this with tears and still ask for mercy from the Lord. May my great sin be forgiven me. Suddenly the Lord had mercy on me and took away my guilt, giving me the longed-for peace, freedom, boldness, and tenderness. Glory to Thee, most merciful and long-suffering Lord! How long will this godless gluttony and gluttony last? Now half of Great Lent has passed, and every day I served this household idol - the womb and offended my Lord with my crafty aspirations, desires, lusts, passions; Every day I fattened and nurtured the household demon. Long-suffering, have mercy and save me according to fate! March 8. Do you want to see the indescribable beauty of the face of God? – Do not gaze at any earthly beauty, lest you cleave to the corruptible instead of the incorruptible, lest your soul be defiled by lust—a soul that should purely lust after the one and only Most Pure God. Sago 60 of the evening had a bad effect on me, that is, unfavorable: I feel tied in the stomach, hands and feet. The greatest gift to me from God is the gift of life and the gift of mental and physical health, which, by the grace of the Almighty, I use and thank the Lord for this; and God’s material gifts to me are a thing of incomparably less importance. And the Lord promised never to leave me with these blessings, if I seek in myself and in others the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, just as He really did not: all this will be added to you, He said to His disciples [Matt. 6, 33]. I will not depart from you and will not leave you [Nav. 1, 5] - He also said, and the holy Apostle, citing these words, says: Have a disposition that does not love money, being content with what you have [Heb. 13, 5]. Saturday. Fourth Week of Great Lent. Yesterday I had one hundred and eighty-three confessors; Father Matthew has two hundred and seventy-five; Father Pavel has two hundred and five people. Today there were up to six hundred communicants early on. At first, and throughout the entire mass, I served in weakness of spirit and internal organs; the enemy troubled me, especially at the great entrance; I served with contrition and tears, feeling my poverty and weakness; the voice was trembling or rattling. But after communion of the Holy Mysteries, the Lord performed a miracle of deliverance in me: the invisible enemies that had troubled me disappeared like smoke, and I instantly felt peace, purification, boldness, and strength; he spoke the sermon calmly, with tenderness and ardent spirit; took communion calmly. I thank the Lord for miracles of mercy. Evening after Vespers. I was worried when I came home because the doors were wide open - and everyone was in my room. And it’s as if my air is being spoiled through this. But this is an empty excuse. My children, wife and nanny visit me only for the time of purifying the air in their rooms, and then, closing the windows there, they equalize the air and what is in my room by opening the doors. Let it be so, but let me no longer have empty pride, and let me not insult my Lord, the King of the world, by disturbing the peace. Try to have peace with everyone and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord [Heb. 12, 14]. Have mercy, Lord! Because of the peace of my accursed flesh (and not my soul), how much do I sin, violating the peace of my soul, which so often becomes the church of Christ and the Holy Spirit! But I also lose peace of soul, and I do not gain peace of flesh, for when the soul is in turmoil, the flesh does not have peace and health, but it too is restless and suffers. Oh, the meaninglessness of carnal passions! Oh, all-evil flesh! Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you [Matt. 6, 33]. Lord, have mercy on me: I have angered Your endless goodness, violating the peace of my soul - and my household. Heal me and save me by Your grace. It is not the flesh to live in the flesh, but grant it to You, Lord! I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and prayer, which the Lord vouchsafed to me during the all-night vigil on Saturday and Sunday during difficult internal struggles with the spirits of evil in high places. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace and strength to read the Gospel clearly, loudly, with feeling, without stumbling, as well as the prayer at the first hour of Christ, the true Light. Lord, have mercy, for we are sinners at every moment, willingly and unwillingly, rationally and unreasonably, and are guilty of the judgment and execution of God. The Holy Church, out of her inexpressible love for people, carries them all in her heart every day, cares for them, grieves for them, desires and prays for them all good things from God. And her prayer is not in vain: for her prayer the Lord surprises us with miracles of His mercy and patience, miracles of strength and healing, forgiveness of sins; provides assistance in our affairs. We remember the Lady Theotokos as the Queen of the spiritual Kingdom of Christ, as a resident of the future century and a witness and supporter of the future resurrection of the dead, the terrible second coming and the Judgment of Christ, as our Intercessor before God, as an example of all virtues, which we should imitate. Are we worthy of such dominion? Do we live worthy of such a Queen? Are we worthy members? Do we live for the future life? Do we endure sorrows, illnesses, misfortunes, as She resignedly endured sorrows and misfortunes? Are you devoted to God like She is? I must know that, due to my internal scrofula, I cannot serve or speak if I eat lean, fortifying foods, for example, mealy foods (peas, oatmeal) or bread, even fish. Due to my weakness, I must drink milk and quick soup even during Lent. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, although in cramped conditions and sorrow, with the kind reprimand of the members of the royal house. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me after communion of the Holy Mysteries - me, killed by my sins. After mass, my left leg (hand) ached very much all day, probably because my stomach was tight - from the fish or from the abundance of the Holy Mysteries left behind by the communicants yesterday, for the taste and effect of wine remains in the Holy Mysteries. During mass, I felt tightness in my sides, from yesterday’s eating of fish (white) with black bread. I note that the devil in my heart is undermining and trying to eradicate respect, reverence and love for the most sacred persons - as for the face of the Most Holy Theotokos, for the faces of the holy Angels and holy saints of God, for the sacred persons of the king and queen and for people in general - and through what? Especially through gluttony and satiety. Stay awake! My legs hurt a lot yesterday due to satiety and fish-eating, due to a clogged stomach. I thank the Lord with all my heart, for He has made me worthy to perform the entire morning service without stumbling, with boldness, willingly, into peace, freedom, and spiritual joy. Glory to you, Lord, for you have driven away the spirit of dumbness from Me and the spirit of confusion and despondency. Monday of the Fifth Week of Lent. The flesh, deprived of money and various things for the whim of employees, through the giving of money to the poor, cries out and says: what is this - everything for others, but for me it is either little or nothing? But let her cry out - the less for her, the better, the more for others, the better too. What is given to one’s neighbors for the sake of Christ is kept by Christ, and what is given is rewarded a hundredfold from the Lord. Don't run from the poor, but run to the poor. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me after heartfelt repentance in refusing some beggars who asked me for alms along the way. When, having repented, I heartily agreed in word and deed: do not run from the poor, but run to the poor, that is, for alms, I immediately felt the mercy of God in my heart - peace, freedom, coolness, lightness. Glory to the Lord, who punishes and has mercy, who enlightens, who resolves. Five o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for the joyful dream. In a dream at five o’clock in the morning I saw the holy righteous youth Artemy Verkolsky, the wonderworker, behind bars in some crypt, all alive, as if in reality, and my spirit trembled with surprise, reverence and joy; I began, holding my breath, to say: O incorruptible child, incorruptible child, - and I myself thought: how could I see such a spectacle of a completely alive youth in the tomb for longer. So what? - As if bowing to my and others’ zeal, reverence, desire to see him, he came out of the depths of the earth - and straight to me, and I had a pectoral cross; he says: “Let me venerate the cross,” and, taking it with his hand, he kissed it, and then he kissed me, a sinner and unclean one; I said later: pray for us sinners, O righteous One of God, and then I woke up. The vision seemed to be real. He is small in stature and has a white face; in a white shirt. At first I greedily fixed my eyes on the youth lying in the coffin, wanting to enjoy the spectacle of the living youth, who had been resting in the grave for so many years to the glory of the name of God and to the salvation of many! Rare dream! (The Akathist should be considered quickly.) Was it not to assure me that the righteous youth appeared to me that he heard my prayers a year ago, when I, with my ears deaf, prayed to him and the Most Pure Mother of God for healing, and together with my Most Pure Lady, the Virgin Mother of God, asked the Lord for healing for me? (Are there relics here, I thought, and others, it seems, said this - and then, to reassure everyone, a righteous youth appeared, who seemed to go deeper down, and then came out in a lying position, with a clear face.) Yesterday, during the hours, at the beginning of the ninth hour of service, when I was burning incense at the holy icons, the spirit of blasphemy touched my heart in an instant and terribly confused, wounded and embarrassed me; I then read the Gospel with this wound and after the end of the hours, through the prayer of repentance, I got rid of this ulcer and this sin. How unclean I am! I thank the Lord for His grace taking away the anger towards the reader when I was reading the canon, and found in it something obstinate 61 and unyielding. Oh, how great was this mercy at that time! Glory to goodness, good obedience, glory to Your power, Lord! Last night I ate pressed black caviar and condemned myself extremely, because it made my heart feel heavy, and at night there was a strong lustful burning! Oh, madness, inattention to oneself, negligence about observing the statutes of the Mother Church and the commandments of the Lord Jesus Christ! I thank the Most Merciful One, who saved me from the bonds of hell during the service of Matins. I suffered a lot of troubles from the spirits of evil for my gluttony of caviar (although, however, I ate very little, but there was no need to eat), a lot of cramped conditions, embarrassment, demonic fear, several stumblings. I repented a lot, fell down repeatedly to the ark with the Holy Mysteries, to the holy throne, kissing them and begging the Lord; finally, from the singing of the loud stichera on the stichera, with the wave of God, my ethereal enemies, who had been pressing me all morning, were scattered, especially from that moment when I inwardly prayed for my spiritual son, the enemy Nikolai Sidorov. Yesterday evening, after eating caviar with black bread and drinking sweet tea, while visiting the sick old woman Evdokia Vasilievna, I was frantically possessed by a prodigal demon and barely quenched my carnal insolence with a secret prayer to the Lord. This is what gluttony and sweet drinking lead to! And it’s a pity to give extra pennies to the poor when they ask hard. You don’t feel sorry for your excesses, your lusts, your whims, but you feel sorry for the poor, members of Christ. Damned, ungrateful, senseless, greedy, stingy, money-loving, prodigal, wayward, lazy, indecent, self-loving, proud, evil, envious slave! I repent, I condemn myself, I disgust myself. Oh, when I put off the old man, which is decaying in the lusts of delusion, and put on the new [Col. 3, 5 – 10 ]! It’s strange, I see internal corruption and neglect renewal, when it is so convenient by the grace, mercy and generosity of Christ God! Or I neglect the abundance of God’s goodness and meekness and long-suffering, as if not knowing that the goodness of God is leading me to repentance. Because of my cruelty and unrepentant heart, I am storing up wrath for myself - on the day of wrath and revelation of God’s righteous Judgment! It's scary to fall into the hands of the Living God! Rather, fasting, vigil, prayers, almsgiving! March 13, eight o'clock in the morning. Strong is the power of Christ my God, destroying in me the power of hell, the power of the devil of corrupting passions, just as it was today during Compline, when I had grief in my heart for the sexton for his malfunction and partly for my wife - it was tight, sultry, vague in my heart. But when I prayed to the Lord with strong faith, hope, a repentant spirit and a contrite heart, falling in faith to His throne (in the chapel), my sins, sorrows and oppressions seemed to melt away and were no more, the powerlessness of my heart was gone - boldness appeared, strength appeared instead of weakness and fear, and I finished Compline with amazing calmness. Glory to the Lord for this! He who guards Israel never slumbers or sleeps [Ps. 120, 4]. Morning. I was terribly punished for yesterday’s satiation in the evening (when at eleven o’clock (evening) I ate tavern Lenten pies with fish, and before that I drank quite a lot of sweet tea and a glass of almond milk). For, having come today to Matins (the station of Mary of Egypt) and noticing the pout in the sexton, that he was not coming up to take the priestly blessing from me, more than usual, I was upset with him, embarrassed and felt that the disembodied enemy had caught me in his net, was pressing me, instilling fear and tormenting me, not allowing me to say the litanies and troparia of the Great Canon. Even before Matins, I fell many times before the throne, asking for mercy and intercession from God, but God handed me over as punishment to my enemy; throughout the entire canon, I struggled internally with the enemy, bitterly repenting of my sin and many sins. My lesson is not to indulge in overeating, and, moreover, after evening prayers, and not to think that - there will be a lot of service tomorrow, perhaps I will weaken, it’s better to stock up on strength and eat. What happened was extreme spiritual impotence, horror, and misfortune. And all this served me right, for I make my prodigal flesh even more prodigal and arm it against God and my neighbor. So my mental robbers got to me, and burned me, and frightened me, and disgraced me. But God is also merciful that I was not completely embarrassed, remembering at times with grief about the sexton. The pies made my voice, stomach and chest organs seem clogged: I cleared my throat often. At night, the reproductive organ was tense and bothered. Never eat tavern pies at night, unless in moderation and with something to drink. I sinned before God: I again became irritated and angry with my family for the disorder in the air that was allowed in my room when I was not at home. Forgive, Lord, my sin! Cleanse, Lord, heal, Lord, die, Lord! God! tear up the handwriting of my sins! In repentance, I write down my sins, and You, by Your mercy, erase their handwriting, for You alone have the power to forgive sins. A wondrous thing: through frequent touching of my hand to my lips (and eyes) after being lifted into the hand of the Lamb of God, my ears were healed (both ears), and for a long, long time matter has not flowed from them; I can hear well in my left ear. The same thing applies to frequent anointing with holy water. Glory to Thee, Lord! You alone create miracles. Glory to the Lord, who has forgiven me my sin. By God's grace I have become peaceful, free, the dew of grace is in me. I thank the Lord, who is gracious. I sinned before the Lord and before myself that last night I again ate fried fish with black bread, and although not much, it was too much, because half an hour ago I drank tea, ate apples from the pious old woman Ekaterina Stepanovna and some sieve bread. At night, the fish again caused tension in my penis, which bothered me. In a dream I saw a copper (bronze) dark cross on a red ribbon, sent to me as a reward. Then I saw myself with a cross in my hand, silver-plated, that we were taking for services. I heard about Sidorov’s enmity, I don’t know which, Grigory or Nikolai. Don’t trust your appetite - it is deceptive: in the evening I had an excellent appetite, and I ate a little, but in the morning it turned out that I was satiated and was subjected to terrible temptations from the devil during the matins, although by the grace of God I defeated him. I look back on the field of fasting I have gone through and am horrified - because I spent it in gluttony and satiety, in delicacy, lust - and I did not work for the Lord, but for my own belly, which God will abolish [1 Cor. 6, 13]. Lord, have mercy on me! Yesterday's French bread has become a staple in me. I thank the Lord for His immeasurable mercy, which 62 surprised me this evening (March 16, Saturday) during the all-night vigil or, better, before the all-night vigil itself, when I fell with great faith and firm hope in His mercy, repenting of my sins - despondency, anger towards the poor or neglect of them. The Lord, with a strong hand and a high arm, took away my sin, my sorrow and my oppression, crushing the stronghold of hell in me and giving me peace, freedom, space, boldness. I served the All-Night Vigil well by the grace of God; the voice was clear, sonorous, sang all the stichera on the Lord, I cried, on the stichera and praise. Today I confessed to Father Porfiry Strokin. I thank the Lord for his unspeakable mercy. March 16, 1874 I sinned before God - again I ate and drank too much last night at Ivan Andreevich Kozhevnin’s, although only a little, and at home I greedily ate prosphora and drank wine, and at Ivan Andreevich’s I drank a glass and a half of sherry: at night, from the fornication vision, desecration occurred. Even in the evening I felt a burden and a strong desire to sleep and did not finish reading the akathists and canons. Don't be greedy, dog! At Nikitin's (Dmitriev's) I drank too much glass and at the same time felt that it was too much. And how good it was for me before I was fed up! What strength and vigor! What a voice! I glorify and magnify the venerable Lord and the most generous, the wonderful provider, for repeatedly this week he sent me generous income as a guarantee, for example, three and three and five rubles, not counting small ones; and when I had to give a lot and generously to the poor (I gave one beggar five rubles), then God’s bounty tripled. There is no higher happiness and bliss in life than to be a member of the Orthodox Church, a branch of this evergreen, fruitful tree and enjoy all its fruits. Glory to the Lord! And many Christians, even Orthodox Christians, deprive themselves of this happiness, like schismatics and freethinkers from high society and the military, who do not go to church, who do not accept the Sacraments of Confession and Repentance. Sunday. Eternal thanksgiving to the Divine Sacrifice, the all-reconciling one; For her sake, only this morning, just before mass, I was delivered from the hellish torment that befell me for my anger towards the poor, for my satiety and fornication, which was in a dream from the vile dream of the devil. I fell to the holy ark, in which the Holy Mysteries are kept in the Duma church on the throne of the main church - I fell with a prayer of repentance, with undoubted faith and shameless hope - and soon received what I wanted: the mountain suddenly fell away from my heart. I praise God my Savior. He served Mass with great contrition and tears. Metropolitan Gregory spoke his sermon with animation. I insulted the infinite goodness of God and ruined the commandment of love: being upset, I scolded the servant Anna for the dishonest laying of firewood and, in addition, spat on her out of annoyance that she was not corrected, despite countless comments, and - my soul became cramped, and I lost my boldness and peace of mind. And this confusion and tightness still remain in me, even though I prayed to the Lord to have mercy on me. But I know that the infinite mercy of the Lord will still have mercy on me when I repent to the Lord from the depths of my soul. Glory to the Lord - for the sake of the sacrifice of the cross, the Lord also had mercy on me, giving me forgiveness, healing, restoration, peace, freedom, coolness. Tuesday of the Sixth Week of Lent. Last night after beer I smoked a cigar; Today there is a slight loss of nerves and a burning sensation in the back. Again, I will note to myself that you should not smoke - it is a harmful indulgence. Cloudy, snowing, infrequently. He sinned before God, before the Holy Mother of God, before the holy Angels, the holy saints of God, before all people and before those whom he scolded in rage, malice, wished them evil and destruction in words, although for their guilt; forgive me the sin of rage and malice, ill-will and abuse (old rogue, fool). Let them go, for they do not know what they are doing in their blindness, and correct them, who are drunk with wine. (The janitor Ivan Sokolov and the old woodcutter.) During divine services, the Church prays for everyone with one heart and lips, calling everyone to unity, like-mindedness in faith, hope and love, for unity is its strength and strength and the best guarantee for the progress 63 in faith and piety of its members; and division, disagreement, discord, disputes, heresies, schisms extremely weaken it and produce disorder, a decline in faith and piety and lead to destruction. Therefore, we must add our fervent prayers to the prayers of the Church, so that the Lord will grant us peace, unanimity, mutual love and quench church discord, overthrowing heresies and schisms, with which the universal enemy the devil is strengthening to shake the Church of Christ and overthrow Christian piety. May our God be glorified by unanimity and love. Your assistants languish [Russian: you demand hard work] [Isa. 58:3], God complains through the prophet. Am I doing this to my servants? Yesterday I ate fish and fresh perch unnecessarily, and today I feel a heaviness in my heart. Until I come to my senses, don’t eat fish at night, etc. Served instead of the archpriest during the Lenten hours before the funeral service for Evgenia Fedorovna Britneva; it was on Wednesday; I did not serve for three days: my heart became extremely weakened and became carnal, fearful, lustful, irritable, especially as a result of smoking a cigar (on Sunday evening or Saturday); Only the fervent prayer of faith and repentance and trust in the all-purifying and all-reconciling sacrifice of the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord strengthened my heart, pacified me, gave boldness and strength. And although I was in demonic fear, I said loudly the troparia of the hours (with omissions, however) and the prayer of St. Ephraim. During mass he shed tears of repentance and tenderness; received communion of the Holy Mysteries unworthily, for he was poorly prepared for serving the Liturgy; the heart was unclean and cold. After communion, I chanced to look at Deacon Peter: he looked at me somehow suspiciously, unkindly, angrily: this embarrassed me extremely; he went to Charter 64 (on the lectern by the window); In confusion, I began to fervently pray for the softening of my heart; the ethereal enemy confused me. I said a prayer, asking the Lord to strengthen my heart with boldness when reading the prayer behind the pulpit: Master Almighty, Who is all creation - and I read the prayer rarely, firmly, without omissions, only in the exclamation I missed a few words: as I was blessed... most honorable and magnificent... From eating fish the day before, my heart was so weak and fearful, I felt it. I sinned greatly before God and before my soul that last night I unnecessarily ate indigenous fish - teshka with black bread and drank an extra glass of tea, having previously drunk it in Baranov’s house with the widow [...]. The fish made me feel extremely heavy; I walked along the street for a long time, at night when I woke up I could still feel it in my stomach, and it was extremely unpleasant in my mouth. I took a walk on the wall; At home I drank two glasses of coffee with yesterday’s almond milk, and the hardship went away. I thank the Lord, who forgave me a grave sin (I called the child Lisa a piece of fat in a feeling of jealousy, envy, hostility) for the sake of the prayer of faith, repentance, for the sake of the all-reconciling sacrifice - the Body and Blood of the Lord. I glorify the goodness, quick obedience, mercy, and vigilance of God - the hedgehog to save us. Amen. The fire, the cramped conditions, the confusion have passed; coolness, space, peace, boldness took their place. God bless! I sinned before God and people and before myself by becoming angry with the beggars who surrounded me on the Lord’s Street, and calling them scoundrels and scoundrels, forgetting that they are members of the Lord and my members, that they are in the image of God and co-redeemers of Christ. Oh, self-love! Oh, carnality, self-indulgence, selfishness, my lust, pride, my envy, my impatience, my insolence. I punish myself with my sins. I repent before the Lord - an unrequited sinner! I condemn others for amassing wealth and lack of compassion for the poor, for not giving alms - but I myself strive for the same thing. Larks - buns, it seems, are modest, and at least with sugar, and they lay heavily on my heart. Delicacy is a powerlessness of the soul, just like satiety. Lord, deliver me from this! I sinned - I insulted my wife for constantly preparing a fish table during Lent and not preparing anything vegetable, such as mushroom soup; I called her a fool and she was offended. It's my fault. It would be better to endure and not say anything today, eating what she cooked, or simply drinking water with bread or almond milk that she prepared. I acted like a pharisee, outwardly seeming to want to fast, but in my soul I allowed anger, pride, envy, self-will, irritation, quarrel, and cursing. I sinned greatly. I do not correct my heart, damned one. I thank the Lord, who showed me a wonderful intercession and help in Brown’s apartment before the funeral service for the repose of the soul of Matryona, the servant of God, Grechukhin’s mother and Brown’s wife. From satiety and rage against the poor, my heart was in extreme confusion and demonic fear. I sinned by reproaching my wife for the fact that through me she is satisfied and happy with everything, forgetting that through her, by the way, I am happy and abundant in everything, for through her the Lord gave me a real place. May the soul of my wife and the Lord forgive me this. How terrible are the consequences of sin. This evening I hurried to confession, embarrassed by the enemy’s excuses for haste for the sake of my love of money and man-pleasing, because I was in a hurry to carry out Matryona Yegorovna Grechukhina. When I finished confession, the enemy extremely incited me to impatience, rage at those who were hindering and obstructing, and when I arrived at the Vladimir church, my spirit was extremely indignant. I am in tears of repentance and prayer; The Lord revived and strengthened the soul. I come home, find a mess in my room, and again I am extremely embarrassed, angry, depressed, throwing unnecessary things on the floor of the room, scolding my wife; got into a fight, despised her: she was also offended. I have sinned before God and people! This is what love of money and impatience, double-mindedness [does], for I was double in heart and thoughts even during confession, rushing and concealing my words! May God forgive me! May my wife's soul forgive me! I insulted her. And all this nonsense comes from satiety, pride, self-will. I teach others, but don’t I teach myself? I absolve other people’s sins, but I bind myself – is this the case? I thank the Guardian Angel for admonishing me. Long-suffering, O Lord, glory to You! Most Holy Theotokos, my deliverer, my Intercessor. Glory to Thee, Lord! Take my wife Elizabeth in Your hand. From the incident during confession and when counting candles and money, know that I am possessed by the passion of love of money and from frequent irritability towards my wife, that I have no love, for love is not irritated and does not think evil, it endures everything, covers everything [1 Cor. 13, 1 – 8 ]; from the treatment of the poor, cold, impatient, reluctant, imbued with stinginess, greed, know that there is no love in me, for love is merciful. In me there is pride, self-indulgence, carnality, love of money, pride, envy, deceit, double-mindedness, servility, indulgence, partiality, negligence and laziness, self-will, disobedience. All this must certainly be rejected. Learn to speak quietly and evenly at home. There were quiet among you [1 Thess. 2, 7], as I do in confession. Learn from Me, says the Lord, for I am meek and lowly in heart [Matt. 11, 29]. There is a lot of snow today. Yesterday and today I had a runny nose and nervous irritability. In irritation and anger, yesterday I wished my wife and my boys punishment, admonition and evil for the unintentional grief that they often cause me. I repent of this, I wish them all the best. By Your grace, by Your Holy Mysteries, I came to life today, was healed from a bad runny nose and was completely renewed. Glory to You! Today I gave communion to forty-two peasants confessed by Father Matthew, and I thought: they were confessed by others, not by me; he confessed, and gave me the labor of giving communion (sinned, damned); he dropped two particles of the Most Pure Mysteries on the floor and picked them up: (the deacon washed it up later). And when I later looked at what one officer, who confessed to me before early mass, gave me, [T...], [saw] that he gave one three rubles - these are the bounties of God! And the Lord did not leave me. Thank the Lord! Have mercy on me, Lord! Look not at your face, but at your heart, for man is in the heart, not in the face. God looks at the heart. The face is a transitory shadow, the color is fading. Don’t worry about the vain, but about the true, essential, eternal. Thank God, Marya Arsenyevna is getting better. I prayed for her - and now we thanked God and the Most Pure Mother of God. I am surprised at my greed: yesterday evening I ate fish pie (Palm Sunday) and fried perch with great appetite; Whether you need to eat or not is all about appetite (greed). But if there is an influx of food and drink into the body, then there must also be an outflow - but will everything go to waste? Does the body need all the food consumed? No need. Here is the harm to the soul and body from excess food: burden, increased lust, increased greed, malice, envy, stinginess, etc., increased attacks of the evil spirit, [our] heart powerlessness, callousness of heart, hardness of heart. It’s the same with money: there is an income, there must also be an expenditure – not for us, but for the poor. We are all one body, they are members. The love of money is madness. Three o'clock in the afternoon. My heart was extremely heavy today at matins and early mass from yesterday’s eating in the evening; Through many labors and tears of repentance I sought the grace of the Lord and the uncondemned communion of the life-giving Mysteries. Will I still be mad and not properly value the gift of communion? Will I still eat and drink in the evening, keeping in mind the liturgy the next day? I glorify the infinite mercy of the Lord, who vouchsafed me to loudly and boldly perform the Annunciation Matins with prostrations to the ground and the Liturgy of Chrysostom and to partake of the wonderful Divine Holy Mysteries of His Body and Blood, the Lord of my life. The ark of the Covenant in the Old Testament was held in great esteem by all the Jews, so that the Levite Uzzah, who touched it to support it, was punished with death [2 Sam. 6, 6 – 7]. (God Himself preserves His shrine, without our assistance.) Even more so, the animated God’s Icon - the Mother of God is worthy of special reverence, veneration and glorification. And the holy saints of God are also animated churches of God - how can one not honor and glorify them? Even living Christians are churches of God, for the Spirit of God lives in them: Do you not know that you are the church of God, and the Spirit of God lives in you? [ 1 Cor. 3, 16]. And they must be revered, loved, condescended to, forgiven, endured with love, not scolded, not slandered, not ridiculed. And the king is God’s anointed one, to whom is entrusted the power of the Kingdom of God on earth. He, as a representative of God's power on earth, must be especially revered. Renewed with the Holy Gifts. Great Thursday. I thank the Lord, who showed me His immeasurable mercy and power before and during the early liturgy in delivering me from sinful oppression, sorrow, weakness, fear, sinful embarrassment, dishonor, and who gave me life instead of death, peace instead of confusion, strength instead of weakness, boldness instead of dishonor, and tears of tenderness and ardor instead of coldness. I thank the Lord, who gave me the strength to perform the liturgy without stumbling, except for the prayer behind the pulpit, in which I missed a few words due to the fear of the devil that attacked me. After consuming the Holy Gifts I felt good, calm, and cheerful all day. I dined and drank tea at Alexander Fedorovich Fedorov's; At Serebreninova’s earlier, I also drank tea and drank Tokay wine. Fedorov has port wine and sherry - [Leman]. The peas I ate yesterday are causing scrofula in my left ear today. I thank the Lord, who gave me Divine peace and wondrous tenderness during the reading of the twelve Gospels, that is, during the all-night vigil on Great Friday. The thought of the Lamb of God taking away the sins of the world (for preaching). I thank the Lord, who gave me the word for Great Friday, which I composed easily, in one spirit, and pronounced on Holy Saturday at Matins. I thank the Lord, who gave me three rubles for carrying the body of Alexandra (the innkeeper from the mountain and the newborn baby Natalia, with whom she died) and three rubles for the confession of Ekaterina Mikhailovna Casanova, and another ruble for the parting words of Georgy Kuznetsov in the Tretyakova house. Something strange happened: while walking home from carrying out the dead, I became very upset at the beggars who were following me, despite my requests not to chase me. He came home upset, sad, and angry. When I was in this state, a cab driver came from Casanova to say that the lady had decided against taking communion and I wouldn’t bother going (she was also upset with the family); but then I fell to the Lord in repentance for the sin I had committed - and the Lord had mercy: I calmed down; Soon they come again from Casanova, asking to confess to the lady. I went first to Kuznetsov, and then to Casanova - and confessed to her. Thus, the Lord gave me three more rubles. Glory to His bounties! You must give in advance to the poor without complaint. On Great Friday I confessed to peasants and some officers and their wives; that day I did not eat from morning until late evening and only drank a glass of tea in the morning and, it should be noted, I was spiritually strong - I encountered weak obstacles from the enemy. It was not at all what happened when I went to confession after eating. On Holy Wednesday I had two hundred and ten confessors, on Great Friday one hundred and thirty. This year there have generally been more confessors. There was one arsonist, a young village woman (two houses burned down). Fornication among the people is highly developed, as is adultery; drunkenness too. This refers to a retaining coastal wall - a structure made of various materials and keeps the soil behind it from collapsing. Sago is a cereal made from starch obtained from the core of the trunk of the sago tree and some other palm trees, as well as an artificial cereal made from potato or corn starch. Stropotny (Church Slavic) – wrong, rough, crooked. Yuzhe (Cer.-Slav.) – which. Prosperation (Church Glorious) – improvement. This refers to the Typikon - a liturgical book containing regulations on discipline, as well as on the time and order of worship. You might be interested in: