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New church year. I thank You, Lord, for Your most peaceful and sweet communication in Your Most Pure and Life-giving Mysteries! How easy is Your yoke and how light is Your burden! Temptations and the struggle with sin and sinful addictions are painful, but Your deliverance is sweet. I thank You for yesterday’s covering of my sins and for the gift of Your peace in the communion of Your Divine Mysteries. God! defeat the all-evil and all-destroying sin in me! Teach me Divine wisdom to overcome passions! Without this wisdom, all other wisdom is foolishness: Has not God turned the wisdom of this world into foolishness? (1 Cor. 1:20). I sinned greatly before the Lord and before people by being angry this evening at the beggars who surrounded me (and they surround me every day), scolding them with canals, kicking the boys and pulling one by the hair, albeit lightly. Forgive me, Lord! This is my retribution for being satiated with excellent fish food; If I hadn’t had to eat early, there wouldn’t have been any rage. But for alms I had other people’s money, for distribution data, the money of working people! Why did I, foolish, covetous, money-loving, stingy, rage against the brethren, against the members of Christ, against the children of God, against those created in the image of God? Like passions - pride, love of money, anger, pride, etc. blind us, especially me? And when? After communion of the Divine Mysteries! Where is the meekness of Christ, where is the lamb’s gentleness? Where is the humility, patience, condescension? Alas! Until now, even until now, I have not learned from my Christ meekness and humility, patience, mercy, compassion. How long will the land of my heart drink the Blood of the Lord in vain? Until I change, until I change for the better, until I am renewed? Oh Lord! Heal my infirmities, for I am weak! Pray and pray, brothers, pray sincerely, from the depths of your soul, pray unceasingly, because prayer changes a person for the better, enlightens, sanctifies, calms, brings cheerfulness to the soul and body, cleanses sins. After his sin, David prayed: sprinkle me with hyssop, and he hopes that his soul will be whiter than snow [Ps. 50]. If you feel animal feelings in yourself: rage, ready to torment, break, scold, beat, or envy, pride, hateful greed for money or drink, etc. - pray, on your knees, sincerely confess to God your anger or envy of pride, love of money, lust, judge yourself mercilessly in your madness, ask the Lord for forgiveness, deliverance, salvation, help - and you will see and feel how God will help you, save you, cleanse you, heal you and make you white, like snow. If in your work you feel tired and inclined to sleep, turn again to sincere prayer, and the fatigue will pass - you will feel cheerfulness and strength in yourself and will work perfectly again. Always pray like this and you will always be successful in everything. Pray when you sin, pray when you want to do good, or are doing, or have already done; pray in sorrow, pray in joy, in sickness and in health; for everything, thank the Lord, the giver of life, breath, light, strength and every good. Christian view of the theater. Much in everyday life seems to us out of habit to be sinless and innocent, many amusements, pleasures, games, etc. But the faith of Christ, and sound reason and conscience, condemn them, taking into account the nature of these amusements or games and especially their consequences in relation to the soul of a Christian and his Christian duties. Such is the theater, such are clubs, card parties, such is the use of tobacco, beer and wine or tea and coffee in large quantities. It is necessary to talk about this from the church pulpit and expose these vices that have become deeply ingrained in the lives of Christians and, like a sword, to strike and repel them with the word of God in order to preserve the body of the Church healthy and immaculate. So, let's talk about the properties and consequences of these vicious and, for the most part, excessively permitted pleasures. May the grace of God enlighten and strengthen me to speak a sound and strong word. Lord, you have opened my mouth, and my mouth will declare Your praise [Ps. 50, 17]. Morning. Before awakening, I saw in a dream the baby Rufina after communion of her Holy Mysteries, who received from someone a small copper coin in order to put it into a church mug, which was held by some young priest under the arch. [servant] (young priest [is it Grigory] Tsvetkov?). It is customary for many people not to go to church and not to take their children or allow them to go to church, or to read empty books and not look at the Gospel, or to play the piano, sing empty songs, or to sew and embroider items of luxury and vanity. Is this a Christian custom? What are the consequences of this? If a person does not work for God, then he works for the vain world, his flesh and the devil; If the wheat of virtue or faith, hope and love does not grow on the earth of the heart, then the tares of passions inevitably grow on it, and the soul rushes not to salvation, but to destruction, not to life, but to spiritual death. What does theater give to the soul: tares or wheat? And staying in the villages of sinners [Ps. 83, 11] what gives, produces: wheat or tares? What can vanity dwellings give? The grave, it is said, is their dwelling forever [Ps. 48, 15]. Today, an ethereal enemy stabbed into my heart the sting of anger against my brother and father Pavel Nikolaevich Lamanov, who seemed to casually and contemptuously give me his hand in greeting (maybe he was unwell, not in good spirits). I remained with this thorn for the whole class, although I often looked to God with an inner prayer for mercy and deliverance. How stubbornly anger persists in the heart! Finally, after class, in solitude, I cried out to God with a strong inner cry for salvation, and He, the Most Merciful, delivered me from the burning sting of anger. I prayed to the Lord that malice never touch my heart. God! I thank You, because last summer You surprised me and us, the cathedral members (and me most of all), with Your mercy in the granting of material benefits, sending me lessons at an elementary school (primary school), lessons for two boys of the military class (Bamo and Korguev), forty-euro money (for two forty-eight) and other income, so that I could be content and content myself abundantly many gifts of Your goodness! Your goodness never failed me during all my priesthood. We are all unclean to the extreme, and we melt and become exhausted in our impurities. In such a disastrous state, one would expect that people would constantly try to seek purification and salvation, if only it could be found, and it is found in abundance and abundance with the Lord God. However, what do we actually see? Few people seek purification; everyone prefers to live, as it were, better in the spiritual and physical impurities with which they have become accustomed; Many people think that hell is not so hard and painful, that one can get used to it, although such an opinion is a direct illusion and absurdity. This very flesh, which we cherish so much, rest, delight, amuse, decorate, is the enemy of our soul, very insidious and dangerous; she constantly resists the love of God, the will of God, the commandments of God and is eager to fulfill her will and fulfills it almost always, unless the Lord God opposes a strong obstacle in the goodness and wisdom of His Providence for our salvation. This flesh must always be crucified with passions and lusts, and not cherished; it must be mortified by fasting, vigil, prayer, and labor, and the soul must be exercised in reading the word of God, in contemplating God, and in prayer. I hurt myself again in the evening by eating Chester cheese (cheese is generally hard for me - I don’t need to eat it) and black bread and butter, and even quick wheat crackers. Today my heart was very heavy, I served with great difficulty, extremely slowly: I felt a blockage in my stomach and, as a result, in my larynx. During Matins on September 2, a strong demonic storm was raised against me, a whole fast river of fears and extreme evil dissatisfaction because the sexton Kutuzov stood almost side by side with me at the entrance to the litany of the apostles Peter and Paul. What is the fault of the people around them, or the names of saints, or the words of prayers, that the devil produces disgust, hatred, hostility, fear towards them and does not allow them to pronounce the words and names? Of course, it’s not the faces and letters or words that are to blame, it’s just his absurd rage, which must be fought firmly against with the help of God. By pleasing the belly and being satiated, one cannot avoid the strong dirty tricks of the ethereal enemy. After yesterday's fish farm and jam today at the morning service, I was powerless in the fight against the enemy, who was annoyingly playing dirty tricks on me, even to the point of tears. The heart must be strengthened by fasting. When enjoying and being satiated with food, mental birds of prey - demons - actually enter the human heart and build nests in it. Feel. I often serve requiem services for the dead, but I myself am a spiritual dead man: I always mourn myself when serving for the dead, as well as for the deceased. Let the dead bury their dead [Matt. 8, 22]. Saturday. After a long, difficult, restless struggle and intense prayer during Matins and Liturgy, I finally felt peace before the Cherubic Song; before the transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts, tears of tenderness flowed from the eyes; took communion with faith in the peace of the soul, which was somewhat shaken by the tempter at the prayer behind the pulpit; after consuming the Holy Gifts, he tasted the perfect, sweet peace of God, great space and boldness in the soul. At the funeral service, the exclamation spoke boldly and smartly. After seeing off the deceased at the church, the accursed one became angry with the beggars, who often seemed to ask a lot from me, shouted with rage at one tradesman, who was given a ruble for his passport and who also asked for the road to St. Petersburg, and at some others - and became embarrassed, and Veliar did not fail to enter his heart; repented, falling repeatedly to the throne; The requiem service was served at first under the violence of the devil, with interruptions, then by the grace of God he overcame and served without violence and oppression from the enemy to the end. I thanked the Lord, who always saves me. Oh, how proud, voluptuous, cowardly, impatient, and furious I am! Where is the meekness of Christ in me? Where is the lamb's kindness? Where is non-covetousness? Where is the hope for the mercy and bounty of the Lord, who has never abandoned me with His mercy and bounty?.. Forgive, Lord, have mercy, Lord! Do not judge, Lord! Correct, enlighten, support, strengthen, Lord! 1 o'clock in the afternoon. Mug 20 rubles. All the actions and efforts of the ethereal enemy in this world are aimed at completely snatching from the hearts of people faith in God, hope in Him (and placing hope in vain things and persons) and love for Him and love for people, and he continuously and everywhere acts, daily and hourly in every person, in order to snatch, if possible, from a person these highest virtues. They will notice. [about him] constant vile schoolboyism regarding tempted people. To counter the enemy and for the everlasting glory of God, the Church has established daily worship in order to plant and cultivate faith, hope and love in the hearts. I suffer a lot from satiety: all the machinations of the ethereal enemy come from my excess in food and drink. I myself have experienced many times that I need to walk a lot, sing, shout, so that the food is spent where it is needed - otherwise I am burdened, and it is extremely difficult for me to serve because of the enemy, who, when well-fed, plays like a feather: he moves it as he wants. (The archpriest does well not to drink milk.) Because of satiation at General Zlobin's funeral, and especially because of the meat, the enemy broke me yesterday in prayer to Christ, the True Light... in the Duma Church. (Because of satiety, the trouble in the gymnasium with [the students] was like God’s punishment for me.) You need to remember your comprehensive, extreme corruption by sin and the corruption of other people and feel sorry for yourself and others, endure, do not indulge, do not become embittered, and protect yourself and others from sin in every possible way. May the Lord help you. If you fast wisely, then you travel to heaven, but if you greedily rush into sweets, become satiated and drink various drinks, then you crawl on the earth, bound hand and foot. Only fasting with prayer teaches heavenly wisdom and destroys sinful bonds and carnal passions. And without fasting, a person is like a bird without wings and a tail. People, created in the image of God, created for the ineffable bliss of heaven and paradise, have become lost, run wild, alienated from God, from heaven, from paradise; they run away from God, from the Church, from the word of God, they are delirious about their worldly wisdom and learning, they fussily worry about acquiring earthly goods, about self-interest. How do we heal an ulcer when it is old, how do we correct a mistake that has no number or measure? Only the omnipotent grace of God can turn a sinner from the error of his path [James. 5, 20]. When the sting of sin stings, we should run away from it, but we, on the contrary, plunge it into our hearts, we ourselves etch the wounds of sin, we increase the hellish fire in our soul and body, the dangerous fever of sin. Madness and blindness! And all the pride and voluptuousness! My flesh is so false, such a deceiver, such a viper, and I - oh, a madman! – I believe her, I obey her, I indulge her! My God! When will I crucify her? When will I stop being an enemy of God and people because of this vile, multi-passionate, deceitful flesh?! God! have mercy on my weakness! How long will the enemy curse me? From delicacy and satiety, greed, or greed, and all passions intensify in a person: anger and irritability, pride, envy, fornication, covetousness, unbelief, hardness of heart, despair, impatience, laziness, etc. Wisely, the Church established fasts as a bulwark against the overflow of carnal passions. The Lord not only created me and provided me with everything, but also redeemed me with His Blood and, having fallen from life, again brings me into ageless, eternal life. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord, so good and generous! Resurrection. I thank Thee, O Most-merciful Lord, for even today Thou hast granted me renewal of spirit and body in Thy Divine Mysteries after a difficult and tedious struggle with the opposing forces nesting in my sides and in my heart. We have become so accustomed to the name of Christian that it has become nothing to us, or many have forgotten that they are Christians, and many are ashamed of this name. Oh, horror! Oh, shame! And there are also Christians who do not believe in Christ! It is all the more necessary to explain the name of a Christian and set out the duties required by this title. Place your mind in heaven, philosophize on things above, and despise those below. Mortify the flesh, have unfeigned love, save yourself with patience, put aside anger, acquire kindness, put aside pride, learn humility. I am either high or low: high when I turn to God with all my heart, thinking about His deeds, His mercy, love, wisdom, omnipotence, immutability and in general about His endless perfections; when I respond to His mercy to me and to all people with heartfelt gratitude, to love with love; when I bear the burdens of others with joy, not only resignedly, when I willingly extend a helping hand to my neighbors who require help, sincerely, in word and deed - in a word, when I am truly virtuous; but I am also extremely low when my thoughts are turned only to myself, and I do not think about God, when I am ungrateful to Him, I do not pray to Him, when I think only about my pleasure, about my bodily gain, when my heart is attached to the corruptible blessings of this life: to wealth, food, clothing, housing, carnal pleasures, and not to the heavenly, spiritual, holy, eternal blessings for which I created in the image of God and redeemed by the blood of the Son of God; when I don’t think about the benefit of my neighbors, I don’t sympathize with the poor and sufferers who suffer from various everyday hardships, when I enjoy rich, exquisite food and drink, when I live in luxury, not sparing my property for the table, for clothes, for decorating the home and various little needed or completely unnecessary things, and I spare a penny for the poor. Oh, then how low and disgusting I can be! For then I am not in the image of God, but in the image of some monster, a freak! I am low, when I am proud, when I envy, get irritated, get angry, envy, be malicious, give in to lustful thoughts, when I am wayward, when I wish harm to someone, etc. When a person eats light meat or dairy food, his bowel movements or winds are very fetid; when he eats lean animal food, for example, non-indigenous fish, the winds and his bowel movements are less fetid; when he eats only vegetable food in moderation, winds and stool are even less offensive; if he continues to eat moderately plant foods for a week or more, the winds and the bowel movements themselves lose their stench, and fasters and abstinents have no stench at all; finally, from constant labor, abstinence, prayer and contemplation of God, their very bodies seem to become enlightened, fragrant and often made incorruptible by God’s grace after death. Why the stench and stench from the bodies of the dead? Why the rapid decomposition? - From intemperance and in general from the sins in which people lived. This is where, by the way, one can see the need for a Christian to fast! And how light and clear it is in the soul and body of a person who is abstinent! How eager and zealous he is for his work! How zealous Father is for prayer, for thinking about God, for reading the word of God and the writings of the saints! How zealous for every virtue! The opposite is true for an intemperate person! Yesterday I paid cruelly for my inner pride, contempt, malice and hostility towards my colleague at the gymnasium, my oldest father, Archpriest Pavel Nikolaevich Lamanov, who seemed to me especially proud, arrogant, cold to the point of insensibility and indifference. With hidden enmity in my heart I said: Hello, father (like Judas Iscariot), how are you? - and he allowed himself to be extremely double-minded: his lips said one thing, but his heart said something else, the opposite! My anger has already tormented me! I suddenly felt heavy, ashamed of every person, stuffy, painful. Hellfire raged in my insides and devoured me! I immediately turned to internal repentance, to internal prayer and prayed and repented for a long time, walking along Petrovsky Boulevard! Finally, after three quarters of an hour, the Lord forgave me and gave me peace! I decided never to be angry with anyone or for anything, but to endure everything, to consider myself worthy of all people’s disgust, coldness, hatred, contempt, and to surrender myself and others to the One who judges righteously, never avenging myself even with a thought or word! Let it be, Lord! Damned, I still live for myself and, therefore, for sin and corruption, and not for Christ and blessed immortality; I am still a slave to the belly, I still indulge with greed in delicacy, satiety, covetousness, vanity and vanity in appearance; also anger, resentment, pride, envy, and fornication live and act in me and, as I think, probably especially because of delicacy and satiety, for gluttony paves and makes a clear path for all sin, for abstinence with prayer is a protection and, as it were, a strength of the soul against any passion and against any excuse of hostility. How long will I be deceitful, living for the flesh, until I surrender myself and my whole life to Christ God?.. How long will I not be ready for my Christ even to die, for to die for Him means to gain eternal life? How long will I not put to death for Christ even my old man, my many-passionate flesh? How long will I not exhaust her with abstinence, prayer, vigil, labor, free alms?.. The Lord stands before us and listens to us when I read the oath in the congregation: may the reading be in remembrance of His all-providential presence. The devil is constantly treacherous over us and is trying to tear us away from the Lord and wound us, burn us in hellish fire, and destroy us; sometimes through one sinful thought, through one momentary addiction to something. Let us be awake and sober. Always have faith and confidence that with God’s help nothing is impossible for you in God’s work. Doubt, disbelief or distrust, self-doubt, and from there fear and timidity, often destroy us. I, the accursed one, have offended and angered the generous and generous God with my stinginess; all-good - with his malice; the meek and long-suffering - with his irritability and impatience; God, Who is the Spirit, by his fleshiness, earthiness, passion, greed for earthly sweets, greed for acquisitions, passionate sight, taste, touch. I did not give alms to the beggars who asked me for alms for a long time, imagining that they would use it for evil. Finally, the Lord Himself helped both me and them, sending me a generous donation for prayer and the christening of two twin babies by Makhov, captain of the 1st rank. I was strongly tempted during the christening of these babies (fathers: Vorozheikin and Tyrtov), ​​more because of the visible scarf, but inexpensive, not silk, as I found out later; the heart, weakened and charmed 88, paralyzed by sweet eating (magnificent veal) and gluttony, was easily captured by the disembodied enemy, struck, darkened, weakened, disgraced by passionate carnal desire and shame on noble human faces! Alas for me! How cruelly I was captured! Shame covered my face! I was often embarrassed and could not, because of shame and darkness in my thoughts and grief and tightness in my heart, look openly, but with my eyes closed, and read firmly, but stumbling, stopping, missing or not finishing the words and sayings of prayers and skipping some prayers! What kind of storm, what kind of misfortune happened to me - I can’t comprehend! However, all the trouble came from addictions to earthly things: food, drink, things and persons. And the priest must always stand, especially during the celebration, above everyone and everything, without recognizing the human face when performing the Sacrament, for it is the work of God. God! Forgive me my sins! And at the funeral service I could not pronounce the litany petitions: I was so excited, embarrassed, killed internally, humiliated, disgraced! It's all gluttony! Everything is the devil, my worst enemy, seeking to devour me at every step. Until now, I act no better than an eight-year-old child who puts his life, his pleasure in sweet eating and drinking and, having been a husband, has not rejected the child, being a Christian, I live like a pagan, being a priest, I live like a simple layman and worse than a layman, forgetting my heavenly ministry, my pastoral title, my flock, or the souls entrusted to my leadership, my frequent communion of the Divine, life-giving, Most Holy Mysteries and the frequent celebration of this Sacrament, as well as the Sacrament of rebirth by water and the Spirit, which was performed on me, along with the Mystery of anointing with myrrh, and the frequent celebration of the Sacrament of Repentance, or renewal. Although from now on the Lord would allow us to begin a new, truly Christian and pastoral life. And now, while praying over the dead, I feel that I myself have died spiritually, a dead man himself, stinking of passions, like Lazarus stinking in the tomb. In order for a Christian to live a Christian life and not to completely extinguish the life of the spirit in him, he needs prayer at home and in public, it is necessary to attend church services with faith, understanding, and zeal, just as it is necessary to add oil to a lamp so that it burns and does not go out; and since sincere, fervent prayer occurs with abstinence, then in order to maintain Christian life or the fervor of faith, hope and love in oneself, abstinence and fasting are necessary. Nothing extinguishes the spirit of faith in us so quickly as intemperance, delicacy and satiety and an absent-minded, riotous life. I fade away, die spiritually when I don’t serve in church for a whole week, and I kindle, come to life in soul and heart when I serve, forcing myself to pray not formally, but really, spiritually, sincerely, passionately. But how many times do I need to overcome ethereal enemies! How many to overcome their deceits and slander! Theater also extinguishes faith and Christian life, teaching absent-mindedness, deceit (or the ability to live in the world), and laughter; he raises clever sons of this age, but not sons of light. Theater is contrary to Christian life; it is a product of the spirit of this world, and not the Spirit of God. True children of the Church do not attend the theater. For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will also be ashamed of him when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy Angels [Mk. 8, 38]. And you are ashamed, due to the secret action of Belial in you, of the name of the cross and the Gospel and the very name of God, carried away by some kind of demonic fear of strangers, as if they were animals or robbers. God! You see my excitement in the presence of an unknown people: give me the courage to speak. The theater is no better than a mental hospital, in which pitiful people, sick in soul and body, in their delirium, imagine themselves as kings, or rich men, or generals, or anything else, imagine themselves standing before the imperial person and speaking to her as if she were truly present; laughing loudly when they should be crying, or crying about things that would be foolish to cry about. Something similar happens in the theater. Here a simple man takes on various roles for the amusement of the public, which the closer to reality he performs, the more he deserves applause from the public: he represents the role of both a king and a commoner, and a robber and a peaceful citizen, and one who breathes malice and is in love with passion, and a commander and a peasant, and a man and a woman, he sometimes laughs, sometimes cries - in a word, he will change into a thousand forms. But more at the theater they like to laugh and make people laugh. Meanwhile, look at what is happening a few steps from the theater, not to mention other parts of the city, other cities, villages. How much poverty, disasters, tears! Here is the theater, here is the spectacle of disasters! Why not depict these real disasters in words before people in order to arouse compassion and mercy in listeners and evoke real help? But then we wouldn't enrich the actors? It's clear. Actors, in the end, only care about themselves, about their pockets - they don’t care about the poor [mankind]. And so we enrich charlatan actors for their inventions, acting, phrase-mongering, for their illusions! Oh, how guilty we are before God and people! We are having fun, but meanwhile what is happening in this world? The whole earth seems to be on a war footing, peoples and tribes are at war with each other, preparing terrible weapons of war against each other or entering into battle and in a few hours or days, hundreds of thousands of people are reaping like ears of corn! We amuse ourselves in every possible way from complete prosperity and abundance of property, from satiety and drunkenness, and entire populated cities or villages, visited by heavenly wrath for their sins, cry and howl, because tens of thousands of people have nothing to eat, nowhere to shelter, nothing to wear! But such is the pride and voluptuousness of a person that it would be good for him, while others bear their grief as you wish. And the Gospel says: bear one another’s burdens [Gal. 6, 2 ] ; Let each one not only take care of himself, but each one also of others [Phil. 2, 4]. Each of us should please our neighbor for good and edification [Rom. 15, 2]... If one member suffers, all members suffer with it; If one member is glorified, all members rejoice with it (1 Cor. 12:26). I thank the Lord, who honored me with His help when I earnestly asked for it, feeling my spiritual powerlessness before being sworn in at the District Court, and fell to the throne in the Duma Church. I loudly and forcefully, without stumbling, read two oaths before the first thing; After lunch, the enemy tied me up and weakened me, and I could not read the first oath (to the assessors), giving it to one of the assessors to read, and then this blow awakened and irritated me: I read the next oath loudly, with force. The evil spirit strongly oppressed me in the District Court throughout its entire continuation, confusing and frightening me with ghosts. I read the first oaths not very firmly, but the last one firmly, without stumbling, speaking every word from the heart, valuing every word like pure gold. Oh, what weakness of spirit, what grief! And it seems that this misfortune befell me because of greed for food and satiety! I thank the Lord for the help shown to me. I read the oath to the jurors poorly: the enemy has set his goads in my heart. In court, I read the Gospel of Matthew from the 25th chapter to the end and from Mark from the 1st chapter to the 8th. I thank the Lord for His holy word. I sinned and complained against the Lord when the enemy pressed me mercilessly, and the Lord did not listen to me, apparently, when I cried out for deliverance. God! I said boldly, You beat me through the enemy, forgetting that I am worthy of the most severe hardships and torments for my sins. Forgive, Lord, my impatience and my insolence. September 11, 1871. Remember, reflect, reverence, thank that your Creator came to earth for you, wandered, walked, taught, performed miracles, suffered, died a shameful death and rose from the dead, marking the beginning of our resurrection. Do not forget this work of the Son of God, wonderfully performed for you, and try to become worthy of it. The Church, as it were, imprinted this in its daily and annual worship, commemorating the Nativity of Christ, Baptism, Presentation, Transfiguration, Entry into Jerusalem, Easter, Ascension, Descent of the Holy Spirit, Exaltation of the Cross. One partial, carnal thought, or the thought of things to which we are partial, has a destructive effect on the soul, like poison, like spiritual paralysis (like rust), during prayer or generally performing a sacred duty. What can we say about the actual fulfillment or satisfaction of these passionate desires? But passions cast a charm on the mind, feelings and will, they bring pleasure, albeit momentary, to the whole being of a person, and therefore, in this charm, people often do not feel the destruction of sin; only the disastrous consequences of sin, which they did not want to foresee, turn them into themselves and force them to admit their folly in satisfying their passionate desires; then their conscience awakens in them and begins to strongly reprove and torment them. Resurrection. Late mass for Father Matthew. He served, by the grace of God, with warmth of heart, especially after the great entrance, after extreme opposition from the devil, loudly; I took part in the world of spiritual forces, felt life-giving warmth in my lips, in my heart and in my body; While reading the prayer behind the pulpit, I was confused by demonic confusion at the thought of the upcoming sermon; He spoke the sermon with force and animation. After mass and a prayer service, having come home, I dined with great appetite, or, more simply put, closer to the truth, with an uncommendable greed that carried me away to excess (a baked apple before dinner, a full plate of cabbage soup, a piece of light meat, almost a plate of bean sauce, a rather large cutlet, when there was no need to eat meat at all, another baked apple with sugar and cream; then an hour later tea with cream and three glasses without cream - I felt some heaviness and burden). But when I came to Vespers and it was necessary to give a prayer to Daria Vasilyevna, the wife of sexton Kutuzov, I became a laughing stock to the ethereal enemy who had darkened my mind, oppressed and confused my heart, and struck me as if with paralysis: I could not speak, I read the prayers mentally, taking baby Nikolai in my arms, I also could not speak. I served Vespers with great sorrow. I celebrated the wedding, thanking God, without stumbling. There are very few people. He calmly baptized two babies on the side. The memorial service was served quite calmly. Before dinner at home I got angry and somewhat raised my voice at my wife for not making the apple pie for which I bought apples and crushed sugar. I sinned before God and my wife. It was my addiction, a delicacy. Lunch was excellent without that. I'm also a gourmand! Still greedy! Before mass and after mass he got excited and shouted at the beggars; before Vespers and after Vespers too. Wordless actions! 89 A priest who bears the dignity of Christ must always be meek and kind, patient, not hasty, but even and sedate. How much mercy the Lord pours out on the priest, deigning him to approach the Terrible Table every day, and to perform and partake of the Terrible Mysteries! How much a priest should be merciful and compassionate towards the lesser brethren of Christ, who are also his brethren. And the Lord is able to reward him for all his losses in almsgiving! Being carried away by addiction to perishable things, thoughts, worries about them, we lose objects of the greatest importance, objects that are truly akin to our soul, constituting its true and eternal element; we dig for ourselves leaky wells that cannot hold water, and we abandon the source of living water [Jer. 2, 13 ]; We do not turn spiritual, holy, heavenly, life-giving thoughts into our life, into the juices and blood, and we continue to live with worldly, earthly, passionate thoughts and aspirations, which only torment, torment, and kill us. Oh, if only we could always philosophize as the Holy Church philosophizes in her divine services, in prayers during the celebration of the Sacraments and various prayers, as the Holy Fathers philosophize in their writings! Then all of us still on earth would be heavenly citizens, verbal heavens. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy during the morning service, when after the prayers of the lamp I was preparing to say the great litany; after an internal secret prayer to the Lord and Mother of God, I spoke the entire litany very calmly, sonorously, sincerely, as well as an intense and pleading one. I thank the Lord for His heavenly help during the liturgy; I thank you for taking away my sins from me with abundance of mercy and strengthening me when I was weak in body and spirit; I thank you most of all for the supernatural revival after communion of the Divine Mysteries and for the victory over the invisible enemies who extremely incited me to be angry with Father Deacon Peter Al. Sofronov and earlier to Elder Mikhailov P. I will inscribe victory and gratitude to my all-good and all-powerful Lord. If it were not for the Lord, my enemies would have swallowed me up. The Lord raised the stinking dead Lazarus once, and raised my soul, which was dying in sins every day and many times, a thousand times and ten times. The life-giver Christ our God drove away my sinful stench tenfold with the grace of the Holy Spirit and with the same grace created the fragrance of God for me. Glory to the Lord for this. God! Thou hast poured out all without overflowing (as immutable and inexhaustible and unchangeable) in good deeds to Thy creatures, beginning with the Cherubim to the last worm that creeps on the earth or inside in the earth; For the sake of men, You sent Your only Son and Your only salvation, Who has exhausted Yourself of everything and, above all, has always endured the cross and death by the will of us. Glory to the Lord for this! God! Thou hast poured out all in good deeds, never having offered Himself, even until now and until the end of the century, to the believers as food and drink in the Life-giving, Holy and Heavenly Mysteries, in His Flesh and Blood. May the worldly addictions be cursed, chilling and paralyzing our love for the Lord, such as: greed for delicious foods and drinks, passion for beautiful clothes or head decoration (kamilavka), or for the golden distinction on the chest, for this terrible, holy and saving sign of the cross, when pity comes and restless guarding them from dust and smoke or melted [...] during worship services. How many times has this vain concern for saving during the service of God struck the heart with spiritual death, the coldness of hell and insensibility towards God and people, insensibility towards everything holy, great, saving that takes place during the service! In our lifetime, everything will become and will remain after us - both kamilavkas and crosses! Pay attention to yourself and your salvation and the salvation of the people entrusted to you by God. To whom do I owe the immeasurable mercies and gifts of life that I use - the gift of education, the gift of the priesthood, honor, all material gifts? First of all, to the Lord God, to Him be glory and thanksgiving always, now and ever and unto ages of ages; then to the Holy Synod, for which always be my prayer to the Lord; then to the sovereign, for whom also be a constant prayer in my heart to the Lord, and then to all my good bosses, mentors, brothers and co-workers, comrades, good parishioners and all good people who are kind to me, indecent, thinking and responding and showing their good disposition towards me! For all this, in general, glory and thanksgiving to my Lord, for all good things come from one God, as from their Original Source; He is Alpha and Omega [Rev. 1, 8]. October 19. What is more chilling for us in this life? What seems to fetter me, a priest, in public worship, especially the liturgy? - The belly, the lust of the belly, and with these lusts the enemy binds me, oppresses me, darkens me, kills me, takes me away from God - woe to me from the belly, from my greed, from my greed, from my lust. Blessed are the saints and all the saints who have straightened their wombs! Late mass in the Cathedral. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate the Divine Liturgy with a loud voice, with strength, tenderness, and to partake of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation. As a result of the sweets (at Chernitsky and Leopardov), extreme cramped conditions befell me, especially during the unction of Vasily Osipovich Serebrennikov, and then during the baptism of the child in the cathedral gatehouse and at the prayer service at Polyakov. At Leopardov's he drank tea in the tobacco smoke. This is very harmful to me. At home I ate enough baked apples before the evening meal. This is also not good. Selfishness terribly paralyzes the soul and cools it towards God and neighbor and towards everything sacred. The priest should by no means be infected with greed, otherwise the salt will lose its strength - he will be a living dead. Woe to the selfish shepherd who performs the services and thinks about reward: his passion burns, oppresses, darkens him terribly and does not allow him to speak words. The priest must surrender himself and his whole life to Christ God. God will give him everything he needs without worry, just as he gave. My only true, vital, eternal treasure is God; nevertheless, earthly treasures, or various things visible, eaten and drunk, clothed, decorating, enriching, distinguishing, elevating - when the heart clings to them, are torment for it, sorrow, crampedness, darkness, hellish fire. There is only one need, but the flesh worries and fusses about many things [Lk. 10, 41]. How many troubles and sins happen because of things, that is, because of addiction to them. God! May I cleave to You alone at every moment of my life, forever and ever! Away with the pillar of Babylon! During Matins, there were grave temptations from ethereal enemies because of an attempt to keep part of the fraternal income under a well-known pretext and because he felt sorry for his body, his chest when pronouncing the Great Litany - he was afraid of fear where there was none. Oh, how the addiction to the flesh and everything carnal torments me! But I must despise her, not spare her for the cause of God! For to die in the work of God is bliss! Food taken in excess after communion of the incorruptible, spiritual meat of the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ or various sweets suppresses the fruits of the spirit received with communion of this great shrine. Pathetic, terrible loss! To lose such a priceless, sweet treasure because of insignificant, corruptible, coarse sweets that can never give life to the spirit, and even burden the body! We must beware in every possible way of intemperance and greed, the predecessor of intemperance. Look at sweets as children's toys, which it is unusual for a mature person to get carried away with; only if necessary, use them in moderation; leave these sleepy dreams to others, to those who love them, while you yourself march into the Kingdom of God and practice what nourishes and delights the soul, and not the body. How much longer can we be mistaken? I thank the Lord, who by His grace made it possible for me to unfalteringly, albeit slowly, perform Matins in the Cathedral during the usual struggle of opposing forces and fighting enemies. He spoke firmly throughout the great litany, the intense and the pleading too; the small last one on the canon too. Christ, the true Light... in the end I became confused from the duality and confusion of my heart. At the prayer service, the second Gospel also did not finish everything the same way. The enemy is terribly double! As a result, cling as firmly as possible with your heart to the single source of life. Lord, Lord of mercy, generosity and love for mankind, I thank and glorify with unworthy lips and heart and with all my thoughts, as He surprised me even now with His mercy, granting me in the communion of His Holy Mysteries the great cleansing of sins, victory over invisible, fighting enemies, deep peace and freedom to my unpeaceful and ever oppressed from invisible enemies spirit and joy unspeakable. He served the Liturgy and Vespers successfully, with sincerity, strength, and loudness. I didn’t eat bread at home or anywhere until five o’clock in the evening and felt so good and strong that I could have stayed another two or three hours without any feeling of hunger, without any weakening of strength. Glory to the incorruptible beast! Glory to the incorruptible food and the Mystery of His sacredness. The sick fisherman, Vasily Osipovich Serebrennikov, almost dead, came to life through these Sacraments. September 15, 1871 By the grace of Christ God, Amos Fedorovich Taburin served a prayer service in Kasatkin’s house cheerfully, loudly, without stumbling. How the disembodied enemy intensifies to turn our very prayer, public and home, into sin and condemnation, and what deep attention the priest needs to himself, and what readiness to always serve the Lord worthily in the church and in the homes of Christians! He must always be all eyes, all ears! High and heavenly is the rank of the priesthood! Through him, people are honored with the most heavenly Sacraments: Baptism, Confirmation, Communion and other Sacraments! Through him they are spiritually enlightened, sanctified, adored, guided towards the mountainous Fatherland, strengthened, healed, consoled! How many blessings the all-good God pours out through the divine and adoring priesthood! How we must respect this dignity! How one must love clergy, spiritual shepherds and teachers! The Apostle Paul says: We ask you... to honor them especially with love because of their work (1 Thess. 5:12-13). The Divine Liturgy is a universal sacrifice for everyone and everything. Therefore, everyone should rush to her with sacrifices of hearts! Does prayer burn within you, like incense in a censer? Does your heart burn like a candle and a lamp? Satan terribly offended me in the morning for his offense against the sexton Kamenogradsky for his extremely uneven behavior in the choir in reading and singing and external bearing. Maybe he has such a habit, such a disposition, but I was very disgusted by his negligerous (careless) behavior; I was outraged in spirit and could not resist - I left the choir, did not read the canon anymore, and after that, despite my inner prayer, I could not calm down. This was also the cunning of an ethereal enemy, and the enemy gained his strength over me as a result of yesterday’s satiety and eating overcooked soup, drinking coffee with cream and then drinking tea. Today I feel that the soil of my heart is too weak precisely from satiety. God! Give me the grace not to eat meat if this trouble comes from meat. Yesterday I sat contentedly in the Duma: the air was disgusting. And that's why, maybe. But I feel, I feel an excess of nutrition in me, clogging my insides. He spoke the Great Litany at Matins slowly, loudly, all the way through, with some shortness of breath due to yesterday’s coffee and stale soup (they are bad for me). And how well he served last night, cheerfully, without stumbling (from his post on Tuesday and Wednesday)! At the special litany, I got lost in two exclamations: about the blessed and ever-memorable and about the brethren... At the small litanies, I could not glorify the Lady from the embarrassment of the enemy; on the petitionary litany too; and besides, he did not ask for a Christian death from the heart, he crumpled with the same embarrassment for the sake of the sexton. I completely lost my courage. I couldn’t serve the prayer service: I stumbled during the Gospel litany and couldn’t pronounce it. But I must have gotten used to the sexton: he has such a temper! And everyone has their own character, their own habits, habits! We must cover with love, condescension, and not give room to the enemy. After all, I did a hundred times worse, that I was embarrassed and upset at him in secret: I also embarrassed others due to the faults in my service, but I did not correct him, and infected my soul with the hellish breath of malice. God! Save me from the ghosts of the devil! (And this ghost torments me for gluttony and satiety.) Grant me myself, a corrupt sinner, to blame, and to cover the sins of my neighbors with love. Correct them yourself: I cannot and do not know how to do without You, for I myself am a great sinner and subject to various passions. I thank the Lord, who, after severe temptations from bodiless enemies (those who undermined and set fire to my heart, who confused, oppressed, and weakened me), granted me without condemnation to partake of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries for peace, freedom and joy of the soul and for the health of the body. At the prayer behind the pulpit, I made a pass: You glorify those with Your Divine power; On his dismissal he did not mention the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called and the First-Called Peter and Paul. At the prayer service, I did not read everything from the Gospel to the martyrs: for even the psionic ones eat from the grains that fall from the meal [Matt. 15, 27] to the end from the malice and wickedness and pride of the disembodied enemy, from weakness of spirit due to physical weakness, which, in turn, came from heavy and stormy weather, from yesterday's late lunch, stale soup and roast, from sitting in the foul air of the Duma presence (World Congress). In two places on the mountain he served prayer services for the birthday girls Komarova and Spitskaya; It was very difficult at the prayer services: there was something oppressive, embarrassing, constricting, stumbling in the air. I thank the Lord, who has girded me with strength from above to perform, without stumbling, in power and truth, the morning service and prayer service to the Iveron Mother of God and the holy martyrs Guria, Samon and Aviva, relatives of Rumyantseva, a merchant. He used tension and compulsion in his service, without which he could not have performed the service without stumbling; He served slowly, with spacing. There is a close, enormous connection between food and sins, as between body and soul. That is why the Holy Orthodox Church has established frequent fasts, one-day and multi-day, for her children, for whose salvation she grieves and prays day and night; This is why Christ the Savior Himself, having no need for fasting as the sinless God-man, fasted for forty days, setting an example for us! But today's Christians reject the benefits of fasting and consider the difference in food for nothing, saying that it is not what goes into the mouth that defiles a person, but what comes out of the mouth [Matt. 15:11], as if the Lord, having spoken these words, condoned their gluttony and lust. How did the forbidden fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, when eaten, defile both the souls and bodies of Adam and Eve?.. And misinterpretation of the Holy Scriptures is a sin. (Why fornication? - Is it not from food? Why is there malice, an excess of malice? - Is it not from food?) Resurrection. I thank the Lord for the fullness of life and peace given to me today in the communion of the Holy, life-giving and immortal Mysteries, and especially in their final consumption. And there were so many temptations before the mass during the service of the prayer service at Shustov’s and during the mass! What rage Satan has! What wickedness! What an obstacle to the work of God! What violence! (Yesterday’s strong tea hurt me, and maybe the funeral dinner, meat, wine!) At the great entrance, satanic fear washes away the heart and troubles it, tearing it apart like a waterfall; could not remember the empress and many other names; I’m afraid to open my eyes and look at the people, lest I encounter epaulettes, prim hats, merchant faces, in general, people who have meaning in this world and, perhaps, have little meaning with God. The devil is extremely double-hearted during worship, and thereby gains the upper hand over me, confuses me, frightens me. Why should a priest, God’s servant, be afraid, especially during divine services, when the Angels serve together? How Satan persecutes! Oh, if only the Lord would instill fear in him, so that he would not dare to appear during divine services, either public or private! No, that’s where he appears and causes mischief. What a permission from God for me! How can we relate to the selflessness that the apostles made for the Lord? We should at least have a little self-sacrifice in these cases for the sake of the Lord and the love of our neighbor! At least do not regret giving alms to the poor little by little, but constantly, or lending; at least not to spare the travelers or guests who come to our home a few kopecks, bread and salt, a cool or refreshing, warming drink; at least not to grow cold towards our neighbors, not to despise them because they eat our bread and salt, tea and sugar, use our corner, wear our clothes, or because, being our subordinates, they are sometimes faulty - at least we should have this self-sacrifice, I say, at least not chase after the debt of our neighbor, who has nothing to give, or not take from him a surplus, an increase that is burdensome for him and ruinous; at least not to pursue an offense in word or deed, intentionally or unintentionally caused to us, or at least not to be suspicious and not to see in every movement, look, word of our neighbors an evil intent against us, as sometimes happens, but to be peace-loving, kind, benevolent, affectionate, sociable to everyone - at least this, I say, is self-sacrifice for us to have. And where do we care about apostolic and venerable self-sacrifice, we, I say, live in the world and cling to the world, breathing its blessings and customs, although, to tell the truth, because of this verbal 90, blind attachment, we violate the commandment of love for God and neighbor every day and every hour. Oh, this wide worldly life! How much it consumes our God-given material means of life. How many of them are consumed by our delicacies and, to be honest, our cigarettes and cigars, our wines, beers and honeys, our dinner parties, our outfits and actual clothes, our apartment, our furniture, our tableware, tea and coffee set, our carriages, our theaters, clubs, masquerades? But there is nothing to give to the poor! Poor, without a piece of bread, without clothes, without a place to sleep, without a place! Oh, worldly, dissolute life! (To have a share from all the trading people here and those who came to the local church, Lord help!) The Divine Liturgy is a truly heavenly service on earth, during which God Himself is especially, most intimately present and dwells with people, being Himself an invisible Priest, offering and being offered; there is nothing on earth holier, higher, more majestic, more solemn, more life-giving than the liturgy. The church at this special time is the earthly sky, the clergy are images of Christ Himself, Angels, Cherubim and Seraphim, and the apostles. The Liturgy is the constantly repeating triumph of God’s love for the human race and the omnipotent intercession for the salvation of the whole world and each member individually, the marriage of the Lamb, the marriage of the Royal Son, in which the bride of the Son of God is every faithful soul, the Unveiler 91 - the Holy Spirit. With what kind of prepared, pure, exalted soul one must always be present at the liturgy, so as not to be among those people who, not having the wedding garment and having the defiled garment of the passions, were bound hand and foot and thrown out of the bridal chamber into utter darkness [Matt. 22, 11 – 13]. And now, unfortunately, many do not consider it necessary to go to the Liturgy, others go only out of habit and as they came, they leave as they are, without lofty thoughts, without a contrite heart, with an unrepentant soul, without the determination to reform! Others stand irreverently, absentmindedly, without any concentration, without any preparation of themselves at home through reflection and abstinence. For many will have time to get drunk before mass, and sometimes even eat! When the Lord descended on Sinai, the Jewish people were commanded to prepare and cleanse themselves [Exod. Ch. 19]; but here there is no less than the Sinai descent of God, but more: there is only the back of God, here is the very face of God, the Lawgiver. When the Lord appeared to Moses in a bush at Horeb, he was commanded to take off his boots [Ex. 3, 5], and here there is more of the Epiphany of Horeb: there is a prototype, here is the Preformed One Himself. Oh, how we are partial to earthly things and do not want and cannot set aside even one hour as it should, exclusively for God during the Divine, heavenly Liturgy, but even then we allow ourselves to dream about earthly things and fill our souls with images and desires of earthly things, and sometimes - alas! - even unclean images. Meanwhile, we should pray fervently, reflect earnestly on this great Mystery, repent of our sins, desire and ask for cleansing, sanctification, enlightenment, renewal and confirmation in Christian life, in fulfilling the commandments of Christ; pray for the living and the dead, for the liturgy is a sacrifice of propitiation, thanksgiving, praise and supplication. Great liturgy! It remembers the entire life not of some great person, but of God who became incarnate, suffered and died for us, rose again and ascended, and is coming to judge the whole world! Dispassionately, indifferently accept the monetary reward for your demands, dispassionately and indifferently give what you have accepted to those who demand it - and your feet will be straightened by the Lord, and the enemy will not laugh at you, tempt you with covetousness and addiction to money and things in general. Dispassionately, taste food and drink in moderation, no matter how tasty they may be; dispassionately, patiently endure hunger and thirst - and the Lord will straighten your steps, and Satan will not tempt you with your greed. All intemperance comes from addiction. I thank the Lord for deliverance last evening at the Customs (before the memorial service for the inspector Peter) from the deadening and oppressive desire for payment for labor, while the widow remains poor with two children: I repented in the depths of my soul, I recognized the madness of this desire, the alienation because of it from human souls created in the image and likeness of God, negligence about their spiritual benefits, the mercenary work that he speaks of Good Shepherd [Jn. 10, 12–13], - and the Lord had mercy on me, taking away the oppression, darkness, and shame and granting freedom, light to my eyes and boldness before God and people. Covetousness is the destruction of souls, a perversion of spiritual duties. I thank the Lord, who heard my prayer that I sincerely treat my guest Alek. Vasilyevich Palisadov, so that I may joyfully receive and treat him, not sparing sweets or sweet tea, as a brother, as created in the image of God, as my Christ Himself. And before this, the enemy bothered me with pity and dislike, coldness towards this brother and comrade. The Lord took away my weakness and fear: I was cheerful, majestic, sincerely friendly, free. I’ll go to my shoemaker tomorrow and tell him not to beat his wife and sew boots. What is false gratitude to God? False gratitude, when, receiving generous, undeserved spiritual and material gifts from God, they thank God for them with their tongues and use them only for their own benefit, without sharing them with their neighbors; receive and hide them in their treasuries, chests, book depositories, thereby depriving many of their brethren of spiritual enlightenment, edification, consolation, or food, drink, clothing, housing, healing in illness, or movement from place to place to obtain funds for food. Such gratitude is false and ungodly. This means giving thanks in tongue, but in deed showing extreme ingratitude and malice. And how many are so grateful!., or, better yet, ungrateful! Why don’t I regret luxury and excess, so that I have a lot of things that, in all honesty, are unnecessary for me and remain unused, while I regret giving to a poor person for his needs, let’s say every day? This is from pride, selfishness and lust. But the flesh passes away: we must despise it, but be diligent about souls, things more immortal, about virtue, which is imperishable. How often have you called upon Me sincerely in prayer, God says to a sinner like me. How often have you thanked me with a sincere heart for My countless and mind-boggling benefits? How often have you brought me a sincere sacrifice of praise, so that I can pour out My mercies on you more and more? And what should I do with your corruption, with your depravity, with your corrupted mind and heart, with your hourly inclination towards evil and vice? I love him, I punish him, I beat every son, and I accept him. For be not weak, if you are reproved by Me, and if you are punished, be patient [Heb. 12, 5 – 6]. Any punishment at the present time seems not to be joy, but sadness; but afterwards he brings to those who are taught the peaceful fruit of righteousness [Heb. 12, 11]. The Lord punished me according to my wealth by deprivation of His help and shame in front of the Church during the morning service for smoking tobacco yesterday after treating myself to Father Matthew (who was also smoky) and drinking vodka (trefol) and wine with tea, with a snack of a roll with caviar (at home I also drank tea with cream and a bun; three biscuit crackers I ate it, drank a glass of sherry, a glass of rum - this whole mixture hardened my stomach, clogged it and caused a burning sensation and insomnia). Yesterday I swallowed a lot of dust at home while clearing out bookcases - it all spoiled me. I could hardly serve. How a priest should take care of himself: beware of tobacco, dust, excess in food and drink! But what is God’s punishment for me for my disorders? - In abandoning me with His help, in betraying me into the hands of my ethereal enemies, who frightened me with their vain fears, instilling in me that this voicelessness happened because of what I ate and drank yesterday at Father Matthew’s (for bread and salt they produce, the damned, hostility towards their brother - let there not be). I feel that I suffered most from tobacco, from the cigar: it was not out of habit that I smoked almost a whole cigar yesterday; It was not the dust, but the cigar that clogged my chest and throat. Leave forever and don't touch. Why do I do something myself that I accuse others of?.. (With Father Matthew, it is less often, although very rarely, that I need to eat and drink: after a treat with him it is very difficult for me to serve.) I thank the Lord for the abundance of peace, freedom, holiness, health, vigor, strength given to me through the communion of the most pure, heavenly, immortal, life-giving and terrible Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord! Oh, I am ready to endure all sorts of sorrows, temptations, and misfortunes, if only to always partake of these divine Mysteries of God in the thing itself, in the very being and actions within me! There is no need to drink sweet tea after mass: it causes severe irritation of the internal nerves! It's better to drink a cup of coffee if you need it. It's terrible how Satan is torturing me! No mercy! A thief's business is painful! Who said (in a whisper): get the hell out, after he could not speak from the slander of the enemy about dismissal at Matins, at the special litany for those bearing fruit, and earlier? The blessed and ever-memorable creators of the church got lost and then during the petitionary litany, especially at the last exclamations, he got confused and did not pronounce... The Divine Mysteries are my breath, my light, my fire, my strength, my boldness, my prosperity, my purification, my coolness from the heat of passions, my shrine, my glory, my peace and tranquility, my freedom and my space. (Write a letter about Varvara Petrovna Drozdova.) It was difficult for me today during Matins because of the temptations and struggles of the enemy. Christ, the true Light... I could not say, just because I was thinking about money, that addiction to it was the cause of my mental weakness: for an ethereal enemy it was enough to sting and confuse and paralyze my mind and heart! Horror, what fury of the enemy! He did not allow the Lady to be glorified; however, at three litanies he unfailingly glorified her, but at the rest he remained silent. Yesterday I ate enough oatmeal and drank sweet tea with soft bread (three glasses): probably because of voluptuousness the enemy overcame me. In a dream last night I saw images of black demons on a three-ruble note. I exchanged this piece of paper in a shop and, due to the oversight of the woman who was changing it, I wanted to hide a few rubles in the excess of what was given to me. Addiction, illness. I saw Father Arseny, hieromonk of Athos, in my apartment, apparently praying for me (according to his Trebnik, I prayed for Mokhov Peter Yak.) I thank the Lord for the life-giving fire given to me in my heart upon communion of the Divine Mysteries, and for heavenly peace, space, freedom, joy. God's gift is indescribable! We are prone to forgetting the great works of God accomplished in redemption and in the Church of God in general. So that they are not forgotten and are always in our memory and, so to speak, constantly visible and tangible, the Church has established that they should be remembered daily and annually with solemn rituals and figuratively depicting faces and events on icons, as if on charters. The greatest event in the world, an extraordinary, supernatural event, was the sending of the Son of God from heaven to earth, His life, preaching, miracles, suffering, death, burial, Resurrection and Ascension into heaven. How highly the Lord has placed our salvation, our soul in His image and likeness! Therefore, the greatest work in the world is done by the one who saves his soul and the souls of his neighbors! The work of a priest is a majestic work: it is the work of the Son of God! Now I have learned what the salvation of the soul means, how important, infinitely important this salvation is - for the soul, created in the image and likeness of God and fallen into the filth of sin, has become completely leprous, has become completely corrupted and is perishing in sins, which, like snakes or lions, torment it and seek to destroy it forever, that is, to plunge it into the flames of eternal torment. Oh, I learned from experience how dear the salvation of the soul is when I experienced how my poor, weak, passionate heart, possessed by the fever and madness of sin, was tormented by passions; how the heart is tormented by anger, envy, pride, self-will and stubbornness, self-interest, stinginess, lust, fornication, despondency and other passions; how they blind, darken, shame me, deprive me of peace, freedom, joy, honor. In passion I am not a man, but a beast, not the image of God, but the image of the devil. Now I will pray fervently for the salvation of not only my soul, but also the souls of all Christians and all people, for I know how important and dear the salvation of the soul is, for which the Son of God Himself became incarnate, lived on earth, taught, worked miracles, suffered, died on the cross and rose from the dead. Now I know what Lord, have mercy means and why it is necessary to often use this short, but meaningful and strong petition. This is the prayer of criminals guilty of countless sins, this is the prayer of an unpaid debtor, similar to the debtor of darkness mentioned in the Gospel. This is the prayer of a servant to his Lord, from whom he has no right, due to his sins, to expect any good deed, but from whom he begs to grant certain benefits for the sake of the name of God, for the sake of the glory of His name, as all glory is due to Him, as a merciful and loving God, as a God of mercy, generosity and love for mankind. Gluttony, covetousness, fornication, pride, malice, envy, and stinginess are a practical falling away from God. That is why the saints despised the belly, selfishness, sweetness and loved fasting, non-covetousness and poverty, purity! Fasting is pleasing to God, non-covetousness and almsgiving too, meekness and kindness too. Sedalny - stichera on kathismas (the same as kathismas, that is). Our corrupted nature is prone to rapid oblivion of all that is holy and saving, because sins and passions constantly cloud and darken our heads and hearts, occupy them and dominate them, crowding out memories, thoughts and feelings about sacred events and God’s great benefits to us. Therefore, the Holy Church, the faithful keeper of the commandments of her Lord, all His teachings and all His deeds, eternally grateful to His ineffable blessings, has established to commemorate in daily, as well as in Sunday and holiday services, solemnly, with life-giving, visual, figurative ritual, all saving events from the life and deeds of our Lord Jesus Christ, all the economy of His salvation as in the Old, so it is in the New Testament, as well as His very creation of the visible and invisible world, and not only the events from His all-saving, miraculous life, but also from the life of His Most Pure Mother, who served so gloriously the mystery of the incarnation of the Son of God, from the life of His Forerunner, the apostles, His prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries, the righteous and everyone who served God and pleased God in every possible way saints, these countless witnesses of the Lord, the truth and salvation of His Divine faith and all of His Divine teaching, who inherited, according to His promise, eternal life. This is useful and necessary for the confirmation of our faith, hope and love, for the spiritual education of Christian humanity, for the constant teaching of the dogmas of faith, various virtues: fidelity, courage, patience, meekness, gentleness, humility, non-covetousness, abstinence, purity, chastity and other virtues, for the life of the Lord and His Most Pure Mother, as well as the saints, represents examples of all virtues, fulfilling which a person can conveniently please God and save both his soul and the souls of his brothers. Friday. Without the communion of the Divine Body and Blood, with yesterday's gluttony and satiety, today I was naked of the grace of God and almost completely disgraced myself in class (5th), almost unable to say the familiar and often pronounced prayers and exclamations (for example). Inside I felt both my powerlessness and the violence of Belial, and my face began to be covered with shame. But he finally perked up when he began to explain Lord, have mercy and the great litany. Woe without communion of the Holy Mysteries! The Lord is generous and merciful: He sent me that same day for helping a university student, our former high school student Baklanov, two rubles - also two rubles. Why do you wait and waste your time in sweets?.. How you lose a lot because of your addiction to them! How the Lord saves me from many evils and misfortunes through service in His holy churches! Firstly, from gluttony, greed, gluttony, darkness, shame, while at the same time granting boldness, purification, sanctification, strength, wisdom! Glory to the Lord for this and for all His benefits! September 25, 1871 The souls of noble and simple, rich and poor, men and women are equal before the Lord; the priest is the shepherd of souls, which are in the image of God, and not of wealth and noble family, not of beauty and distinction, or not of human pomp and vanity. Have faith in Jesus Christ our Lord of glory, regardless of persons, etc. [Jas. 2, 1]. Only yesterday I did not serve and did not partake of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord - and I was hunted by a mental wolf, weakened in spirit and word, body and deed: the enemy overcame me with doubt, confusion and fear - so I need the communion of the Holy Body and Blood of Christ! What would have happened to me if I had not received communion for many days! (At the Midnight Office, I positively could not speak the final litany due to the stumbling of the ethereal enemy: at the purely initial, short litany at Matins, I also could not pronounce the titles of Emperor and Empress - such heartfelt impotence, such a stupid fear attacked me!) (To Marya Arsen, prosphora; letter to Father Gabriel about Varvara Petrovna Drozdova; letter to Stepan Nikolaevich Petukhov in response with gratitude.) After the liturgy. I thank the Lord for the abundance of peace, freedom, lightness, boldness, strength, health, as a result of the communion of the Holy, heavenly, immortal, life-giving and terrible Mysteries of Christ. What priceless spiritual blessings! What happened before the liturgy and during the liturgy itself at the beginning! What evil machinations of the ethereal enemy! He didn’t let me say the august empress at the great entrance! The grace of God is the soul of a Christian and his entire life, the light of his mind, the holy fire of his heart, the power of his will. Why is grape wine used for the Sacrament of Communion? I am the vine, and you are the branches [glory: birth] [Jn. 15:5], says the Lord. That is why we use vine fruit or juice for the Sacrament! We are the rods of the spiritual Vine, and the vine tends to water the rods, or its branches, with its juice. Why bread? I am the bread that came down from heaven [Jn. 6, 41]... What is a church for a Christian? – A place of rebirth, sealing by the Spirit, a place of repentance, communion, deification, marriage, consecration and consecration of oil, a place of final funeral service, a place of teaching, edification, consolation. (Father Matthew and Ekaterina Nikolaevna, father Pavel Trachevsky.) We don’t know the good sides of people we don’t love or we forget them, and yet, due to our sinfulness and corruption of the heart, we imagine too much evil in them and therefore we don’t love, we hate, we despise them. And the devil is trying in every possible way to take the word of love, its power and life from the heart. We experience the truth of God’s word every day in our inner life, for example, the truth that people are overwhelmed by worries, wealth and worldly pleasures and do not bear spiritual fruit [Lk. 8, 14], do not achieve Christian perfection, for I experience for myself how daily voluptuousness and satiety suppress the premium fruit of the communion of the Holy Body and Blood of the Lord, and meanwhile, through our very experiences, our difficult experiences and various grave temptations, we are not admonished to abandon and crucify carnal passions. I thank the All-Provider Lord, who yesterday, at the request of my parishioners Jacob and Paraskeva Andreev, allowed me to perform a prayer service to the Most Holy Theotokos “Quench my sorrows” with an akathist and at the same time to St. Sergius of Radonezh and thereby prepare my soul for a more worthy service of the liturgy, for in the evening I tasted more proper and drank tea and thereby whitened my heart. Oh, what a high, sweet akathist! I thank the Lord for the successful service of the Liturgy on this day, loud, strong, sincere, with tenderness and tears, for the supremely peaceful communion of the Divine Mysteries, for the entire reading of the prayer behind the pulpit (previously omitted: You glorify those with Your Divine power), absolution and for the unfailing performance of the water-blessing prayer service to the Mother of God of Iveron and the Venerable Sergius. Glory to You, God, our helper, not defeated by our unworthiness and untruths! Yesterday at lunch I ate with appetite, or greed, cabbage soup with black bread crumbled into cabbage soup, then hazel grouse with a thin sauce, and after lunch I drank tea and coffee, but didn’t go for walks in the fresh air - I kept reading the newspaper, which is why the all-night vigil was quite difficult: my heart was somehow flabby, not ready, my stomach was faulty, my nerves were irritated. Correct my steps, O Lord, so that my feet do not move [Ps. 16, 5]. In strict accordance with the apostolic commandment to the Apostle Timothy to make prayers, petitions, supplications, thanksgivings for all people, for kings and for all those in authority (1 Tim. 2:1-2), the Church daily makes prayers, supplications (great, special, small litanies), petitions (petition litanies), thanksgivings (thanksgiving prayers) for all people: for the king, for all, others in power; also in accordance with the apostolic commandment: be filled with the Spirit, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your hearts to the Lord [Eph. 5, 18–19], the Holy Church begins every divine service with psalms, then sings New Testament spiritual songs, by singing meaning short hymns corresponding to litanies, for example, antiphons and stichera. Yesterday (September 25, Saturday) in the evening I greedily ate a bun and hazel grouse and drank tea beyond measure and, although I knew that it was not necessary, I thought: I’ll get away with it, but it didn’t work out that way: today I had to serve mass alone, and in what weakness I was and in what fear, embarrassment, shame, spiritual paralysis, precisely because of yesterday’s satiety! How many names and sayings have I not pronounced! How hard it was for me! How embarrassed and disgraced I was, lacking boldness due to satiety and paralysis of the heart or belly! I barely completed the liturgy! After consuming the Holy Gifts, the Lord forgave sins, reconciled, consoled, and distributed. Glory to the Lord! Because of satiety, I turned out to be a fool in class today, a fool at Elisaveta Kvitkina’s unction ceremony in Nikolai Sidorov’s house, and all because of meat and sweets. God grant not to eat meat! Grant me constant abstinence. My spirit and my body are exhausted from excess, especially my insides from fatty foods. Everything is lean, without oil. I cannot serve because of satiety: my soul is suppressed. Today I was furious with the beggars because one of them, a guy of about twenty, went and drank away my money (40 kopecks), given for boots, and came to me again to ask. Because of the guilty one, the innocent, beggar boy got it, and in a rage he hit him in the face with an umbrella. And I myself drink wine almost every day and get fed up every day - is this nothing?!! Oh, damned me! I have sinned before God: I am a thousand times more guilty than the beggars, who rarely indulge themselves with wine and donate their needs to him, but I often do. My soul and body are more and more depressed by eating enough or eating meat and drinking strong tea: my sleep is restless, my arm near the elbows hurts from the rush of blood. Immediately begin abstinence for the sake of saving the soul and pleasing the Lord, and even for the sake of the health of the body. I thank the Mother Church for showing me in the litanies what I should pray for, for we do not know what to pray for as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with ineffable groanings in the litanies [Rom. 8, 26]. Glory to the grace of the Holy Comforter of the Spirit. I believe that He, according to the promise of the Savior, remains with us forever and guides us into all truth [John. 16:13] and will not allow those who diligently and humbly seek the truth of God to go astray. Why do we begin our prayers with a prayer to the Heavenly King, the Spirit of truth? Because He is the Teacher of prayer and the giver of prayer, He is with us forever and active in the world. I thank You, Lord Jesus, for for Your sake the Holy Spirit has come into the world. Abstinent people are wise, pure, strong in spirit and body, and courageous. Three hundred soldiers of Gideon, who drank water by the handful, and not in fits [Judgment. Chapter 7]. Why am I often faint-hearted during religious services and in the classroom? - From gluttony and intemperance in food and drink. Intemperance causes both body and soul to become flabby. Having forgotten my shameful lust, or fornication in my youth, when I was a student, I do not give up eating and drinking sweetly and being satiated, thereby increasing the lust for fornication, and not eradicating it, giving food to the impurity of the heart! How I have angered the Lord hitherto, ungrateful and nasty! I have enslaved myself to sin and enslaved myself through lust and desecrated Your image 92, Lord! How close is sin to the heart of a person who eats sweets! Gluttony is the food and excitement of fornication! Before class today I drank quite a bit of tea and ate prosphora (when I was still full from yesterday’s food), and that’s why fornication nested in my heart; an instant glance at the beauty of a child confused and worried the heart. Only looking to the Lord with faith saved me. Oh, how weak and sinful I am in spirit without communion! How pathetic I am in my gluttony! Isn't this enough punishment and shame from God during the all-night vigil on the Intercession, when I could not say certain expressions in prayers and in the Gospel because of a late lunch - just before the all-night vigil, eating cabbage soup and fried meat?.. Alas! this defeat cannot happen anymore - it is so great! To celebrate the Divine Liturgy, an exalted soul is required, or a person with an exalted soul, not bound by any worldly passions, lusts and pleasures, whose entire heart would be engulfed in the flame of the Holy Spirit, fiery love for God and for humanity, for every human soul, especially the Christian soul, so that with a sincere heart one always ascends to God in prayers. I came to bring down fire to the earth, and how I wish it would already be kindled! [ OK. 12, 49]. This fire was sent down on the apostles in the form of tongues of fire. This fire is necessary for us, for our frozen hearts, in order to warm up, soften, melt and purify them always, in order to enlighten and renew them. Where can we find such a worthy priest who, like Seraphim, would burn in spirit, with love, with praise, with thanksgiving before the Lord for such miracles of His to us and in us of goodness and wisdom? I, the first of sinners, unworthily perform this most heavenly Sacrament, for I always have an unclean heart, bound by lusts and pleasures. God! You see the depths of our hearts. But sprinkle me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow [Ps. 50, 9]. If you have mercy on the pure, it is nothing wonderful, and if you save the righteous, it is nothing great... but surprise me, a sinner, with Your mercy 93 . I thank the Lord for celebrating His Divine Liturgy in grace and for the non-judgmental communion of His life-giving Mysteries; for a long, long time after the liturgy, Belial scorched me with his sting and natural weakness - scrofula burned me, until after the christening at the artisan's in Krasnaya Street I had a good bite. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to spend this entire day (October 3) in serving Him, my Lord God, in performing various services: prayers, baptisms (two), marriages (two), unction with confession and communion for the sick (at customs). I never cease to indulge in gluttony and excess in food and drink and thereby constantly suppress my spirit and its heavenly needs! That's my problem! This is the daily burden of my spirit! Here is voluntary slavery to Beliaru! God save me! I thank the Lord, who, through my earnest prayer, showed me His great salvation in the apartment of ensign Ivan Stepanovich Sevaskevich before the Sacrament of Holy Baptism: I sinned internally by being angry with my wife for her long absence - and He took away my anger, I was embarrassed - and He pacified me, I was shamed internally - and He took away the shame from my face, I was in distress - and He spread me, did not have courage - and He gave me boldness, I was darkened - and He enlightened me, and I boldly performed the holy Sacrament of Baptism. So what? There should not be a shadow of malice not only towards the wife, but towards anyone and for no reason, for this is the poison of the serpent; we must endure everything complacently: it is better to endure the deprivation of material benefits than to be deprived of peace of conscience, peace and boldness due to impatience and anger at those who cause us harm. Good must overcome evil [Rom. 12, 21]. If my wife left me, let me live in peace, like a monk. The enemy is indignant, pressing me, presenting to me in gloomy features the long absence of my wife! Therefore, these gloomy ideas and images are lies! For there is no truth in him [Jn. 8, 44]. How often does the invisible enemy intertwine and forcibly dissolve with me - at least now! Get away from me, evil one, in the name of the Lord! Tomorrow, neither eat nor drink anything until lunchtime! (October 5.) We need to have more communication with parishioners and brethren! Man is not a beast, he was created for society, solitude is the path of the few. Tell me, what everyday addiction did not resonate bitterly for you? For example, addiction to delicious dishes, to bread and coveted drink, to expensive and multi-colored rags or ribbons and in general to various expensive fabrics, to shiny things, especially silver and gold, to money, to earthly distinctions and honors. Haven't you been squeezed by them a thousand times internally, like a vice, bound like iron bonds, scorched like fire, darkened like Egyptian darkness, shamed like a bitter crime? Why don’t you give up these worldly addictions? Why don’t you work for the only Lord, your treasure, your incorruptible robe, your sweetness, your glory? Let us pray to the Lord for the salvation of our souls. Whoever sincerely observes himself, he constantly notices that our soul perishes in various sins, sleeps in spiritual death, is constantly captivated by the mental Nebuchadnezzar - the devil and wears strong shackles of passions - notices this and earnestly sighs and prays to the Lord for the salvation of souls redeemed by the priceless blood of Christ. So our souls perish daily in malice, envy, condemnation, covetousness, in delicacy, gluttony and drunkenness, in fornication, in laziness and negligence, in despondency and murmuring, in ignorance, foul language, idle talk, frivolity, freethinking, disobedience, insolence and self-will and other passions. About peace from above - for there is no peace in our bones in the face of our sins [Ps. 37, 4]. What do I have in my wife, in this flesh and blood, who has been a temptation and stumbling block for me so many times?.. God be with her: May He judge her for leaving me for a long time, for two weeks now! Money is not my treasure, but the Lord is my treasure; not the body, not things, beauty, but the Lord, who has adorned everything; not plants are sweetness, but the Lord is our eternal sweetness: let us love Him with pure souls, let us cleave to Him with all our hearts. We love perishable things and fleeting pleasures and we will not put it into our hearts that all this is perishable, momentary, and we do not care about acquiring eternal blessings. So we are vain! October 5th. Tuesday. Damn you, morning greed for tea and food, when there is no need to drink or eat. Grant, Lord, that I never drink or eat in the morning and give up this childish game, so inappropriate in adulthood and so harmful to the soul. Today, the ethereal enemy crushed me at the morning memorial service at 10 o’clock for Vasily Serebrennikov, and before the memorial service he stung me by stinging one ruble in silver for two beggars who asked for boots (one was given 70 kopecks, the other 30 kopecks: one rarely asks, the other often). I drank four glasses of tea this morning. What stupid greed! How long will I neglect the image of God in myself! How long do I enslave myself, my unworking 94 , sovereign, godlike spirit, to the slave of the flesh? Let the body serve and work the verbal soul, and not the soul the body. O venerable and God-bearing fathers, who have mortified their flesh by fasting, vigil, and prayer, teach me your wisdom to despise the transitory flesh, and to be diligent about the soul, the most immortal thing. The same is the word of the rivers [Matt. 26, 44] - the basis for repeating the same prayers said in church or at home. Stopping the mind on the same thing is useful; on the contrary, variety often entertains and diffuses. Do not despise any sinner, living or dead; Consider yourself worse, more sinful than everyone else, a living dead, stinking. Through its divine services, the Orthodox Church educates us into heavenly citizens through teaching us every virtue represented by the life of the Mother of God and all the saints, through purification, sanctification and deification of us in the Sacraments, through the granting of strength to life and piety. Therefore, it is urgent to attend divine services wisely and reverently and willingly, especially on holidays, and to participate in the Sacraments of Repentance and Communion. And those who move away from church and worship become victims of their passions and perish. Yesterday, October 6, Satan poured his hellish poison into my heart, bringing upon me darkness of thoughts and rebellion of thought, and I, a sinner, was confused, doubtful and afraid, I don’t know what, to get better and start letting go again. It was on vacation for the deceased Vasily (Serebrennikov). A priceless treasure for a person, the most important of all the treasures of the world, is his soul, an immortal creation in the image of God. What good is it to a man, says the Savior, if he gains the whole world, but loses his own soul? Or what ransom will a man give for his soul? [Mk. 8, 36–37]. Lesson: do not be deceived by anything in the world, but save your soul. Christ, our hope, cleansing and sanctification, resurrection, life and rest, is the only thing that is needed by all of us, and therefore the Holy Church constantly pronounces these words in our ears during funeral services or memorial services for the dead and in other church services, for we are inclined to forget the one thing that is needed: carnal passions carry away after them our mind, memory, imagination, heart, and will. Everything will be taken from us by death, all earthly blessings: wealth, distinctions, the beauty of the body, the beauty of clothes, spacious dwellings, decorated with grace, all the sweets of food and drink - but the virtue of the soul remains with us forever, this incorruptible clothing, and Christ - our eternal wealth, our life, our true beauty, true glory, honor, our incorruptible clothing - will forever remain with us. Charmed (Church Slavic) – enchanted, seduced. Wordless (Church Glorious) actions are meaningless, like those of animals devoid of reason (words). Bueslovny (Church Glav.) – stupid, empty, reckless. Unvestiti (Church Glav.) - to persuade the bride, to designate her as a spouse, to betroth her. The prayer of St. Basil the Great “Master Lord Jesus Christ our God...” from the follow-up to Holy Communion. The prayer of St. John of Damascus “Lord, the Lover of Mankind...” from the follow-up to those who are coming to sleep. Unemployed (Church Slavic) – free, unenslaved. You might be interested in: