Август

Resurrection. Early mass. I thank the Lord, who has enabled me to perform the Divine Liturgy, although with difficulty, due to the many thorns of my passions that have plagued and oppressed me, but with much strength and with contented boldness, and to partake without condemnation of His Divine Mysteries. The day before I ate a lot of meat and drank milk, and I thought that it would be beneficial and would not harm the soul, but meat and milk are of little benefit to the body, for yesterday and today I felt heaviness with crampedness and weakness in the body - but the soul seems to be completely perishing from extensive feeding on meat and milk - there is such relaxation, darkness in it, such crampedness, sorrow! Therefore, the priest does not need to eat meat, and he does not drink milk in large quantities and from a good cow that eats clean and healthy food, grass and so on. It’s always hard on the soul after extensive nourishment of the body! Oh, how hard it is! The enemy is in the belly! I started fasting and learned on the very first day that fasting brings extraordinary lightness to the body and soul. But in the evening I ate fish in Provençal vegetable oil, fried perch and sardines, and so what? “My heart and body now felt heavy: the fish now conveyed a certain roughness to my heart and a fishy smell from my mouth, quite heavy, animalistic, stinking. Whether it’s food from seeds and vegetables! Damned, greedy, I unnecessarily ate fish in vegetable oil with black bread in the evening, and that’s why at night I began to have cramps in my hands from the tightening of my stomach and excess juices. Moreover, he added to the previous material he ate - sweets, thinking to knock out a wedge with a wedge, and, of course, this did not make it any better, although the cramps subsided. Then he smoked some more cigar tobacco. Oh, ridiculous! And on the first of August - the cross is presented in the church, reminiscent of the crucification of the flesh with passions and lusts! Instead of spending time on prayer, I began to smoke, thinking to help sleep with a cigar, and in addition to consume sweets in order to drown out the smell of sardines. God! Nailed on the cross for my sake, the accursed one! Forgive my guilt of gluttony, satiety and the lust of smoking! There is only one outcome for me - Your mercy! Early mass. I slept poorly at night and, having fallen asleep in the evening, soon woke up and could not fall asleep for a long time: I had some cramps in my hands; stood up; ate the sweets he came across; smoked; but after that it became even worse; finally fell asleep; but sleep is weak. The consequences of little sleep and smoking are nerve disorders; offended by the deacon; allowed himself to be overcome by ambition and anger; a reprimand to the deacon for avoiding kissing the hand; embarrassment; stumbling at the prayer behind the pulpit; earlier - at the great entrance. I am stupid: don’t I always remain a priest, even if the deacon does not honor me with [due] honor, will the deacon become a priest, that he humiliates the priest? I sinned by allowing myself to be incited by my enemy, the devil. Deacon is my brother: let us live among ourselves in love. With the consumption of the Holy Gifts I became completely calm and revived. God bless! Do not drink milk: sweetness presses hard in the reproductive organ (August 3). Leave the illegal consumption of milk during fasting, supposedly for health: I will be healthy without it. Don't eat fish. There is bread and tea - and that’s enough for you. There are many seeds of life in you. You can go two days in a row without eating. Lord, bless, help, confirm! The work of the devil, not the deacon, is temptation through the deacon, like fornication, not from the people you meet, but from you yourself and the sin living in you. Fight sin, not people. How many times have you tasted peace after overcoming sin, which incited you to enmity against your brother; and when you were overcome by the sin of impatience with your brother, you were very embarrassed. O Divine Eucharist! Truly you are the Eucharist (thanksgiving), for it is worthy and righteous to praise and thank the Lord who is in you, who continually works in me, upon communion with you, wondrous miracles, who cleanses all my sins and heals all my ailments, who builds peace in me and takes away the confusion and oppression of sin. So this day too, the Lord, through His Divine Mysteries, has wrought in me great miracles of His mercy and His power. For before mass, during Matins and during the proskomedia and the liturgy in general, there was a great tightness of hostility in the heart, fear, powerlessness, weakness, a tendency to sleep, irritability, and after communion all the demonic dirty tricks disappeared and the Kingdom of Christ was revealed in the heart, the Kingdom of peace and silence, the Kingdom of truth and holiness and joy in the Holy Spirit. Glory, glory to You, Christ! August 3rd. Tuesday. 10 o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who heard my secret prayer yesterday (in Rambov 76, when I was with Evgraf Andreevich) and saved me from the wickedness of the devil and from my awkward position as a result of crafty thoughts when talking about the death of my mother. How I became calm and looked boldly into my eyes when the Lord washed my heart from wickedness with the grace of the Holy Spirit! Glory to Thee, Visitor of my soul! Early (first) mass. We all sinned gravely before the Lord: I, the deacon and the sexton; The deacon, like a mill grinding, hurried to no avail; the sexton, taught by the archpriest to rush madly, also rushed at full speed and, surprisingly, did not stumble - a special art! And I, listening to them, was annoyed and embarrassed. In addition, the sin that yesterday I [strolled] in Rambov, walking, drank a lot of coffee (three glasses) and tea (two glasses) at Shustov’s, and two glasses at Vsevolzhsky’s an hour later; I came home and ate some fried, pickled fish and a little caviar at night, all with black bread, and my heart became sober, my nerves were upset: a ready sacrifice for the devil - it’s easy to act through painful nerves on the soul in order to disturb and shake it! And he outraged and shocked terribly. Only faith and hope in infinite mercy saved me! It was bitter for me, it was hard for me! The devil simply triumphed over us, jumping for joy that he had outraged us! I was dying, my soul was dying terribly! Only after consuming the Holy Gifts did I rest in the Lord! Glory to Thy mercy, Thy long-suffering, glory to Thy strength, O Lord, for Thou hast saved me from such a storm! I was ashamed of all the parishioners! The enemy tormented me so much! It started when I thought about buying another pectoral cross. The word of the Lord is pure, silver is kindled, the earth is tempted, purified by the sevenfold [Ps. 11, 7]. The word is pure, that is, pure truth; silver has been kindled, that is, the word has been purified by fire, by the fire of the Holy Spirit, from every admixture of human, earthly, worldly, vain wisdom; tempted by the earth - cleansed of all earthly aspirations, calculations, goals; purified by the sevenfold - for there are seven gifts of the Holy Spirit. Such was the word of the prophets, apostles, hierarchs, saints and all the saints - for through them the Holy Spirit spoke. Forty-morning early mass according to Agafonov. Got up at five in the morning. During Matins I felt extremely sleepy; weakness, lethargy, despondency, even cry; I read the rule for communion with warmth and partly with tears. He served the Liturgy successfully, cheerfully, with boldness and did not stumble at the great entrance. He received communion, by the gift of the Lord, without condemnation, into peace, revival, encouragement and joy. Oh, how peaceful and joyful I was at the Cup of Life! A worthy communion was greatly facilitated by the fact that yesterday evening I had eaten almost nothing and my stomach was empty. In the evening I breathed fresh air for a long time on the street, walking along the path of Aleksandrovskaya Street, that is, along the embankment. Thanks be to the Lord for the great gifts of His mercy! Glory to the most heavenly, most divine, life-giving liturgy! Whoever speaks of her powers, will all her praise be heard? O angelic service! Oh, presence before the throne of the Holy Trinity! Oh, standing before the King, the Lord Jesus Christ! The God of our salvation will hasten for us, our God the hedgehog to save [Ps. 67, 20–21]. To whom paradise is dear, so is the Church; To whom Heaven is dear, the church is also dear - this is the earthly sky. It's not about the face, it's about the heart. Why do you stare at your own face or at the faces of others? Adorn your heart, not your face like a hypocrite; correct and direct your heart according to the commandments of Christ and in correction learn to ascend from the small to the great, for example, from fasting, which you keep invariably, to humility, patience, obedience, etc. How long will you correct yourself only on paper, only in words, not in deeds? You have been faithful over a few things; I will put you over many things [Matt. 25, 23]. He who is faithful in little things (for example, in abstinence, in fasting) is also faithful in much; unfaithful in little things is unfaithful in many things. Oh, blessed are those who truly hunger and thirst for righteousness [Matt. 5, 6 ]and justification, good works; Unlucky are those who hunger and thirst for satisfaction of their passions and lusts a hundredfold, greedily drinking iniquity like water [Job. 15, 16 ]! I sinned by disrespecting my wife and being upset with her with rage for her demand of me to be quiet and walk lightly for the sake of the sleeping baby. I sinned by waywardness, disobedience and stubbornness and failure to preserve love for the person of an innocent baby, when my wife asked me to walk especially carefully; I sinned with pride, which does not tolerate orders and stops (that is, to be stopped in my movements and orders). God! transform me for the sake of Your glorious Transfiguration, which we celebrate today. There is a lot in me that is ugly, absurd, animalistic, bestial, inhuman! At dinner I sinned, I was indignant at my brother Alexei Konstantinovich for not waiting for us to have dinner and envied him and was indignant at him for eating a lot of sweet jelly, although we were left with plenty. Oh, greedy heart, dog's, pig's heart! Wolf heart! Alas for me! Alas for me, the worst of all men! Fortified with that food, he walked for forty days and forty nights (1 Kings 19:8). Communion of the sick and dying, for forty days of wandering through ordeals. I live not for myself, that is, not satisfying my passions and whims, not indulging my pride, not satisfying my malice, not envying, not fulfilling my character or my habit, not being offended by every little thing in life... but to You, our God, Master and Benefactor 77, that is, meekly, in kindness, humility, obedience, patience, cutting off your will and your whims, voluptuousness, intemperance, etc. What if all people are as poor in sin as I am? Then you need to feel extremely sorry for them, be extremely forgiving, forgive them, endure with love and be patient. And who does not suffer from sin? But I am the most sinful of all, the worst of all. This is what spiritual experience tells me. Oh, how weak I am, how sinful! I owe my wife a lot, a lot! How can one not respect her, not love her! How not to be condescending? How not to endure? How can one not obey in good ways? Yesterday she spoke fairly, she demanded fairly, and I was angry with her for her fair demands! Oh, how kind she is! How unkind I am! I, the accursed one, have not yet learned humility, childish obedience (at least to a good wife), kindness, patience, this Christian active wisdom, but because of trifles I contradict, act on the contrary, get irritated, indulge in impatience, anger, murmuring, reproach, say empty and impudent things, like yesterday to my wife. How long will I tempt God’s patience?.. How long will I do the will of the devil? How long will I live for myself, for my passions, and not for the Lord? God! transform me with Your transfiguration. I am still the same old man, all the same passions in me that were twenty years ago and beyond, and yet I so often partake of the Divine Mysteries, which renew a person, transform, transform, strengthen, sanctify. Oh, my negligence about correction! Oh, carnality! God! I thank You, for You have once again rewarded me with Your mercy! You have forsaken my iniquities, you have covered all my sins. May I also cover the sins of my brethren. Dream: the footman did not allow the metropolitan to see him for lack of decent clothes (my cassock was full of holes, that is, the clothes of my soul were torn to pieces by passions); told me to come another time. How do I appear to the Lord in the filthy clothing of passions? How do I partake of the Divine Mysteries? How can I, insolent and sinful, receive the Lord into my house? God! Have mercy! God! You can cleanse me, correct me, have mercy, save me. Do this according to the multitude of Your compassions. Help us, O God, our Savior... as we are so poor [Ps. 78, 9, 8]. I, I have become terribly poor, more than everyone else, my God, but the clouds have not brought You tears! Early mass. Participants. I thank the Lord, who did not reject me, a sinner, and made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy divinely, with boldness, although with physical and mental weakness, to call on the Holy Spirit for the gifts that were set before me without stumbling, to receive communion without condemnation and to give communion to about forty people. Belial offended me while saying prayers before communion and during the communion of the laity itself, paralyzing my heart with coldness and deceit; I prayed to the Lord internally, and the Lord delivered me from wickedness and shame of my face. The evening before communion you should not eat anything: it is harmful to the soul and body. The fire in the church during worship is a symbol of the Holy Spirit, who descended in fiery heat on the apostles, a sign of His constant presence with the believers: may it be with you, it is said, forever [John. 14, 16 ]; a sign of His grace, cleansing, revitalization, destruction of sinful wickedness, enlightenment. We, priests, testify to the repentance of the spiritual sins of our children; The devil will also testify about the sins of people before God: our testimony is extremely disgusting to the devil, because it destroys his intrigues; Therefore, he is furious with us and sometimes does not allow us to pronounce this very word: testimony. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the early Divine Liturgy without stumbling with my heart and lips. The only trouble I had was from the pressure of the enemy during communion, when he embarrassed me and pressed me tightly with indignation at the sexton Kutuzov for singing quickly and not listening to repeated remarks, which turned out to be pure slander of the enemy, for Kutuzov was incited by the archpriest to sing quickly, but he was innocent. During communion, the laity were also greatly embarrassed by the enemy and pressed tightly. All-night vigil on August 8th (Sunday). I thank my Lord, my life, my sweetness, for the sweet tenderness with tears during the all-night vigil, for this fiery prayer for myself and for people and for deliverance from the wiles of the ethereal enemy, who, as usual, fought me with confusion, fear and cramped conditions at the first hour before going to the royal doors to say the prayer to Christ, the Light... Lord! give me the depth of faith, hope, love, prayer, repentance, humility, meekness, purity and chastity, non-covetousness, etc. In the Church are all our sweet hopes and aspirations, our peace, our joy, together with purification and sanctification. Here the truth of the future resurrection, the victory of death is so often proclaimed... Who, who loves life, will not love the Church with all his heart? Everything that is best, most sublime, most precious, holy, wise - all this lies only in the Church. The Church has the ideal of humanity. The Church is the earthly heaven. When presenting the science of worship, first present the foundations from Holy Scripture, worship, then the dogmatic side, the moral side, the historical side, the ritual side. Be a sheep, willingly giving yours to others. He who values ​​future benefits as he should does does not value present ones. What I secretly repent of in my heart with tears of tenderness, I am not ashamed of before people, damned one. Talk about the desires and desires of the flesh in your sermons. These whims mean an earthly, and not a heavenly, disposition of the soul, contrary to Christianity. We are all possessed by fever of the heart and delusions of sin, dislike for our neighbors, excessive love for ourselves, or self-love, love of money, voluptuousness, ambition, vanity, envy, pride, self-will, perseverance, impatience, despondency, cowardice. Oh, fever! Hot! Oh, eternal nonsense! When we heal! When will we wake up and sober up from the passionate intoxication? Is it only in the grave? And before? O holy people of God! How wise and blessed you are that you despised the vanity of this world and loved the law of God and the life above, trampling all the charm of this world! For this reason you rejoice forever and are deservedly pleased. When an opportunity for patience presents itself for the sake of a trouble that has occurred, for example, an insult from someone or disobedience, rudeness, persecution of the truth for the sake of truth, consider this an opportunity for achievement and, therefore, for a reward from God and generously endure the trouble that happened (the incident with Deacon Sofronov and Deacon Kutuzov on the day of St. Archdeacon Lawrence). Seeing the crafty and incorrigible disposition of the brethren, you are furious with them, but it is more decent and fair to feel sorry for them and pray for them for their correction, but to be angry at your own ill-will and impatience and immediately correct yourself, leaving others to the grace of God and our good example in the future. I sinned against the Lord: yesterday at the cook’s 78 I showed my impatience and irritability and unbridled tongue, for I was angry at the faulty deacon and sexton. I would have kept quiet and everything would have gone smoothly. However, I recognized the falsity of both. This is a science for me to treat them with more caution and restraint. I will calmly, with God’s help, keep myself submissive in all the unrest and disobedience of the brethren, for peace of mind, as I see, is a great good for me, and will teach them, make them respect me more and do everything that is due. Fury is the stupidity of the heart. The culprit of yesterday’s chaos and the malfunction of the deacon and sexton is me, the foolish one. I had to foresee everything and arrange things in such a way that there would be no malfunction: find a sexton or deacon and go with them, collecting a bundle of church things where it was necessary. But I left alone for my appointment, entrusting the matter to a woman or a boy, and then I get annoyed at the sexton or deacon for the malfunction. It was necessary to endure and not denounce, especially the deacon, who was so deceitful and quarrelsome. The matter would have gone well, no trouble would have resulted from the arrogance of me and the deacon. We must despise and abandon everything. To stop the trouble, it was possible to serve an all-night vigil for one: God be with them, let one walk and the other sleep. Or it was necessary to beg Lavrenty to postpone the service of the all-night vigil. It’s my fault that, for the sake of the pie and for the sake of gluttony, I stayed at Father Matthew’s for another hour. If I had left immediately after tea, everything would have been fine. I have sinned against the Lord. Lord, have mercy on all three of us and unite us with love in a bond of peace. Saturation is the cause of irritability. So it was yesterday. The only source of my life is God. Apostle Matthias. I thank the Lord for the unfaltering service of the Liturgy due to malnutrition in the evening and for the non-judgmental acceptance of the Holy Mysteries into the world of my spiritual strength. I served Matins restlessly due to the malfunction, absent-mindedness and clumsiness of my lower servants, who did not come to the all-night vigil yesterday at about three o'clock until half-past 11 pm; Since eight, the invisible enemy has defeated me with grief at the brethren: I hesitated in my heart, mind and tongue and could not pronounce many words, especially after I complained to the archpriest about the malfunction of two members of the clergy. Patience and patience are needed! And I, damned one, am indignant at all opposition. After all, it was possible for me to arrange things so that everything would turn out calmly, so as not to irritate anyone and not to get irritated myself, so as to maintain calm in everyone and respect for the moral dignity of a person. I did not do this because of my passion, because of my impatience, because of my tendency to irritability. God! forgive and do not blame: You alone have sinned! In church we sober up from worldly charm and the intoxication of worldly passions and lusts; We are enlightened, we are cleansed, we are sanctified, we are strengthened by our souls, we are drawing closer to God, we are uniting with God (who united God the Word with man through Your glorious birth 79). How venerable and worthy of love the church of God should be! How the holy men of God loved him! With calmness and equanimity, may I conquer base malice, ignorance, rudeness, and deceit (the archpriest is an example). Example - my Lord Jesus Christ, apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints. Mass. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of His mercy on me, who destroyed the snares and oppressions of the enemy in me and gave me peace, freedom, boldness and a loud, clear voice during the service of the Liturgy; who has also been worthy to partake of His life-giving Mysteries without condemnation and to consume them with faith and love! Great and supernatural was my bliss after communion and consumption of the Divine Mysteries. I only blame myself for the fact that after the liturgy I craved a pie from the birthday boy Lavrenty, the housekeeper of the merchant club, and ate the pie with some other dishes - fresh sturgeon and herring, and drank a glass and a half of sherry. This burdened me somewhat, and my Lord said in the Gospel: Take heed to yourselves, lest your hearts be burdened with gluttony and drunkenness [Lk. 21, 34]. I'm afraid I have offended the Lord with my gluttony? I would not become like the lusty Esau in gluttony, who lost his father’s blessing [Gen. Ch. 25 and 27]! God forbid! During the evening meal, my voice betrayed me, and my whole chest: I became very nervous, as it seems because I did not eat black strengthening bread and any soup, but instead, after the birthday cake, three hours later, I drank two glasses of Bavarian kvass and went to bed, and then, after sleep, I drank about three glasses of tea with American coarse crackers. Tea and kvass eased my nerves. One should not be upset or irritated by anything, because through frequent upset and irritation, a very harmful morally and physically habit of being irritated is formed, while through indifference to opposites, a good and useful morally and physically habit is formed to endure everything calmly and patiently. In fact, many cases (without number) may present themselves in this life of countless mutual imperfections of ours, and if we get upset in any case, then our life will not exist even for several months. Moreover, with grief and irritation, not only does the matter not improve, but, on the contrary, it becomes more upset - through our frustration. It is better to always be calm, always the same, equal to yourself, always filled with love and respect for morally sick humanity or, more often speaking, for those close to us, for our relatives and those subordinate to us. After all, man is not an Angel, and besides, our life has developed in such a way that every day and involuntarily you almost sin, even if you didn’t want to. I do not do the good that I want, but the evil that I do not want, I do [Rom. 7, 19]. And the Lord taught us to look condescendingly at frequent human failures and failures, saying: forgive us our debts, as we also forgive our debtors [Matt. 6, 12]. Whatever you want people to do to you, do so to them [Matt. 7, 12]. And who among us does not want to be treated condescendingly and patiently in his needs, stumblings and falls, malfunctions, omissions? That is why the apostle teaches us long-suffering and forbearance. Love, says the Apostle Paul, is long-suffering, merciful... does not get angry... is not proud... does not think evil... covers everything... endures everything and never ceases (1 Cor. 13:4-8). The fear of any accidents, real or expected, comes from our lack of faith: a believer is not afraid of anyone or anything, saying: The Lord is my enlightenment and my Savior, whom will I fear? The Lord is the Protector of my life, from whom shall I fear? [Ps. 26, 1]. Even if I walk in the midst of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me ecu [Ps. 22, 4]. Do not be afraid of the hatred of vicious people, whom you keep from evil ways: this hatred is your honor and bliss: Blessed are you when they revile you [Matt. 5, 11 ]; Blessed are you when people hate you... and call your name dishonorable [Lk. 6, 22]. Do not be cowardly because of their hatred and do not make friends so as not to endure any dirty tricks from them, so as not to offend the Lord with such friendship. For the sake of your belly, do not make friends with vicious people: drunken, idle, rich, but impious and unmerciful, adulterers, gamblers. What a terrible spiritual struggle I prepared for myself by smoking (unusual) tobacco (cigars) in the evening! Belial established itself in my heart, took possession of it precisely because of this whim: I was aware of it, felt it, sensed it. How much coughing I had in church during the service! Without end! Tobacco positively filled my chest, although I smoked without inhaling; Belial blocked my heart: when pronouncing the litanies, he blocked my heart's breathing and struck my heart with spiritual paralysis. How harmful this whim is morally and physically! They say: smoking does not harm morally. How is it not harmful? It makes a person its slave, inflames and irritates the flesh, already seething with passions. This smoking is an extreme mockery of people by the spirit of delusion, which taught people this whim and takes it to its extreme limits. Ah, brothers! Although tobacco smoke is a thin smoke, our soul, our heart is even thinner, and from frequent use of tobacco, the heart becomes very coarse and becomes covered with the snare of the devil, or with passionate decay. Tobacco, that is, smoking it, is a spiritual shackle, imposed on us by the devil for our enslavement and ridicule, so that we will always be carried away by this vanity and divert our attention from the one thing we need. The same must be understood about other whims and passions; excess in food and drink is also a net of the enemy that tightly entangles our soul. Out of every excess, out of every passion and whim of ours, the devil builds his nest in us, ties snares over us, and what strong snares! Look at the drunkard, at the sensualist, at the money-lover, at the stingy one, at the passionately in love - and you will be convinced. What am I saying? Closer - everyone look impartially at themselves - and you will say: yes, great, incredibly great is the power of the devil over us, in our carnal pride, in our passions and whims! It is good for a person who is not bound by any sweetness or lust, who is bound by the bonds of Divine love. I thank the Lord for my unfaltering, heartfelt celebration of the Liturgy and the deification and blissfulness of my unworthiness upon communion of the Divine Mysteries. I sinned before God by eating too much at lunch (porridge); sinned in vain for something that should not have been contemplated. God! unblemished, wisely, and well-arranged our members, give me the grace to look purely, unwaveringly, unblemishedly at all the members of our body. For the prayers of priests and bishops, the Lord has mercy on villages 80, cities, entire kingdoms, just as in ancient times, for the prayer of Moses, he spared an entire stiff-necked people and did not commit complete extermination - but they are not proud of this, they are not proud, having ascribed all the graces of God, and you do not respect persons bearing such a rank; or again: with the cross-shaped priestly hands the army defeats the great forces of the enemy, just as in ancient times Israel, with the cross-shaped hands of Moses, defeated the Amalek force in the desert; or the people standing in the church and praying during the intercession of the priest before God, defeat the spiritual Amalek, but they are not proud of this, attributing all the power to God - and you do not respect such a high rank, the rank of Christ, for Christ instead of Himself sent apostles, bishops and priests into the world for His work! Appreciate, respect this rank, revere it, and you, O priests and brethren, live and serve worthy of your rank. In the Church we learn to know ourselves, our sinful corruption and all the cruelty, strength, malignancy, long-standing sinful disease of the soul and body, which can destroy us temporarily and eternally, and to immediately seek a Doctor and healer, taking decisive measures towards that, with complete obedience to the Heavenly Physician and the teachers and physicians appointed by Him. He who does not go to church or does not pray, does not know what sin is, and will die in sins. And this is the greatest misfortune! Thursday. Matins today was a terrible temptation for me: for the first time I was almost unable to say so many exclamations, litanies, and prayers because last night I ate quite a lot of sweet potato jelly with currant juice and buckwheat porridge; probably from two cups of coffee with almond cream (at Zubkov’s). What a relaxation my thoracic and abdominal nerves felt. I can’t remember without fear. And how unpleasant, how ashamed it was for me, how morally painful it was to somehow and involuntarily crumble God’s service! This was accompanied by some loss of spirit. Trouble, and that's all. The dirty trickster of the flesh, the angel Satan, scolded me painfully. First, do not eat potato jelly and porridge (buckwheat gruel), and avoid vegetable oil, unclean almond milk, lean coffee, sweet tea with granulated sugar. Don’t be afraid to eat fast food even during Lent, for the sake of weakness and for the sake of service (that is, for the sake of serviceability). It is better to eat fast food, which strengthens the nerves, and serve calmly, with edification, than fast food, and serve as a temptation to others. I thank the Lord for the grace He has given me of the calm, unstumbling, loud service of the Liturgy and the non-judgmental communion of the Holy, life-giving Mysteries into the sweet, heavenly world. Thank God that I took a walk to Krasny Lane (where the playpen is) to give communion to the sick: this walk was very beneficial for health. Food is very important in the life of a Christian: if it is taken in moderation, as much as is needed to strengthen strength, it is good for the body, and not harmful to the soul; beyond measure and need, it is extremely harmful to both body and soul. The quality of food also matters a lot. In general, through immoderation in food or through lust, the devil cools us towards God, removes our hearts from God (we fall away from God), from loving our neighbor and ensnares us in his nets, dragging us into various passions. Gluttony is idolatry, a glutton is an idolater. He who does not keep the commandments of fasting out of whim, and not out of need, through one disobedience already falls away from God and from the Church, serving his belly, and not God, and the spirits of voluptuousness nest in his heart. He who does not fulfill the small ones cannot fulfill the large ones, for the small one needs to start with small and easy to fulfill commandments in order to gradually reach the large ones. The first commandment in paradise to Adam and Eve. This commandment was offered wisely, beneficially, graciously. Again I allowed myself to go crazy in the evening - to eat unnecessarily (breads with caviar and sprats), and for this reason I don’t feel very well in the morning, somewhat tied up, and [some] pain in my back. Salty foods do not suit scrofulus. The weather is rainy. Yesterday it was clear and warm. For everything, thanks be to God. Country milk is what’s good for me! I am placed, it seems to me, in the honorable midst of nature, society and the Church - I am a member of them, I am carried by them, I interact with them. I thank You, Lord, for Thou hast delivered me from the manifold snares and slander of the disembodied enemy and from remorse and oppression, and granted me with boldness and great strength to perform the Divine Liturgy and to uncondemnably partake of Thy heavenly and life-giving Mysteries into the peace, light and space of my spiritual strength, for the joy of my heart and for the health of my weak body. God! grant me to celebrate Your Transfiguration again and again with the transformation of my soul from sinfulness to holiness, from weakness to strength, from madness to wisdom - for many years. God! Remember my spiritual children and transform them by Your grace. Holy Soul, abide with us forever and accomplish the work of redemption of our Lord Jesus Christ, complete them with Your power, complete them for all Orthodox Christians. A spark produces a flame. This must be said in relation to tobacco smokers and all smokers. Tobacco sparks cause fires, and what kind and how many! Great and throughout Russia. How much loss and ruin! [...] May the Lord enlighten him and let him feel all the harm of such permission and forbid playing with fire due to its extreme disastrousness. Yesterday, with the beauty of bread, the evil spirit strongly irritated, confused, oppressed and tormented me at the end of the liturgy, after communion (it was a pity to give more prosphora to the parishioners); because of this charm that was in me, I was morally powerless even during the grateful royal prayer service, for the sting of Satan was in me, the doubt of demons, dreamy fear. (But he gave away all the prosphora and left nothing for himself. What was he tempted by?) In the evening, he administered unction to Novoselov’s mother-in-law, Marya Grigorievna, with great moral labor and constant resistance to the spirit of darkness and evil. Lord, have mercy. Even at confession in church, a dirty trickster of the flesh pressed me; The reason for the crowding was, however, physical: from food and from the upcoming heavy rain and thunderstorm, lightning without thunder (at 9 pm). God! Deliver me from all my enemies, for I am weak. Faith and the Church, worship, Sacraments, rituals - all this, say freethinkers and atheists, was invented by people in order to keep the people in fear, submission and maintain good morality and, perhaps, to collect income from them. This is how God’s mercy and His wonderful economy of our salvation, the very incarnation, suffering and death for our sake of the Son of God are blasphemed by the ignorant and freethinkers who have lost the fear of God. But look at their lives: how do they live, and how long do they live? Having lost strength and health through debauchery and drunkenness, they prematurely become decrepit, become stupid, get sick and die. Last night I did something absurd again: I ate fish and caviar, although I didn’t need to eat and didn’t want to: my wife brought it and, like Eve did to Adam, he ate the forbidden fruit. But in the morning during the service, what cramped conditions, heartfelt weakness, demonic fear! God! my bliss after communion of Your Holy Mysteries on this day, as well as yesterday and the third day, was indescribable, and the world was like a river. Glory to Your blessedness, Lord, Your holiness, Your truth, consuming our untruths. By Thy grace, I served the Liturgy without stumbling, with a clear voice. During the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church and on the day of the Dormition of the Mother of God, at the beginning of the reading of the akathist, I was greatly tempted and wounded by the spiritual serpent through the thought and care of saving my wallet in front of a multitude of people, a wallet that no one encroached on. It was as if an enemy had struck my heart with paralysis—it became dead, cold towards God and towards heavenly things. In the Church of the Dormition of the Mother of God and on the day of Her supreme Dormition, I should have been all up in heaven, but I groveled for several minutes on the ground. I sinned. I fought with Belial for a long time. Oh, mortal sting! (I could not heartily and boldly read the akathist and prayers to Christ, the true Light... This is the scourge of the pious heart, the love of money, or the cares of this world.) I've had dinner, and now I'm heavy: my eyes close and sleep overtakes me. Woe! If I didn’t eat, this wouldn’t have happened. Oh, my greed! What a shame for me that until now, through negligence, I cannot overcome my womb, despite the daily communion of the Divine most pure and life-giving Mysteries! Why did you eat fish during the entire Assumption Lent? Why did you always have dinner when it wasn’t necessary? From actors and lawyers, we priests must learn courage and swagger and the ability to speak publicly without embarrassment. For we, to our shame, are timid, timid and unfluent, and we do not know how to speak publicly. It is true that we were brought up so unfavorably and incorrectly, but it is time to develop some kind of preaching tact ourselves with the help of observation and experience and, most of all, the grace of God. May I give glory to the providence of God, which has been vigilantly taking care of me for so many years and, without my worries, providing in abundance everything I need, and may I work for Him diligently, inseparably, not worrying about collecting and saving property or money, but using it for the needs of myself, my family and the poor. For covetousness is death and the grave of spiritual life, as has been tested a thousand times. Money and earthly possessions are generally dust, unworthy of the cares of a Christian man, a dweller on high, to whom Christ promised to add everything, that is, all the earthly goods necessary for him, if he seeks first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness [Matt. 6, 33]. The enemy constantly tries to confuse, waver, and agitate the soul with his excuses, and he does all this to us because we are still partial to earthly things and have not acquired firm faith and trust in God and have not loved with all our hearts and with all our thoughts and with all our strength God, who constantly cares for us. Faith, hope and love say: The Lord is my enlightenment and my Savior, whom will I fear? [Ps. 26, 1]. What do we have in heaven? and what did You want on earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 72, 25 – 26]. The Tsvetkovs, Vetvenitskys, Pesotskys, Nesvitskys are our flesh and blood: I owe them my warmest love. I thank the Lord for the gracious influx of the Holy Spirit during the All-Night Assumption Vigil even before the reading of the akathist by Father Matthew. Father Matthew and Father Pavel Damanov read without warmth, especially Father Pavel, and I had very little warmth due to the temptation that befell me: I thought that they would steal the wallet from my pocket, and wanted to hide it further, but left it. Feast of the Dormition of the Mother of God. Morning: heavy rain. Several prayer services (four) and a prayer service with a memorial service were served. The enemy stung; at home - a sudden spiritual storm from my impatience, pride, willfulness and anger: I was offended that my wife, this earthly guardian angel, stopped me several times when entering and leaving the apartment with the words: hush, hush... Rufina is sleeping. I should have respected her warning, honored her compassionate love for the child, but I was jealous that she was protecting the baby tightly and not protecting me, who was working incessantly and who was sorely tempted, and I shouted at her with my heart, and stamped my foot, threatened to beat her with a stick, and with bitterness and pity said various offensive words. Oh, how I fell morally, how confused and upset I was in spirit! - and this is before mass. Long repentance and tearful tenderness and repeated falling with faith and fervor to the throne of the merciful Lord and righteous Judge cost me forgiveness of sins, restoration to a peaceful state and renewal. For half the liturgy I cried before the Lord, repenting of my sins, my madness, my wordless rage: the Lord despised my tears, my sincere, ardent repentance and forgave me my guilt, took away my oppression and gave me peace and consolation. This was a true resurrection from the dead. I praise God’s mercy, His endless patience towards me, a sinner. What a lesson for me for the future: do not be irritated, do not become embittered, do not be capricious, curb your passions! (At the great entrance, King Virtembus did not mention his wife and Catherine Mikhailovna and her husband; at the prayer behind the pulpit, he missed the words: You glorified them with Your Divine power through the action of the enemy, out of stupid fear, but it would have been necessary to pronounce them with special force and special emphasis.) If you have not learned to reverence the works of God’s hands, then it is better not to look at those members of the human body, which, although wisely and innocently and well-built, yet offend you due to the impurity of your heart. August 20, 1871 God! Good Shepherd of Your verbal flock, I thank You for the cordiality and hospitality of Your verbal sheep I have encountered everywhere towards me, an unworthy shepherd, for their faith, zeal for the Church and for Your servants, for the fact that some of them are ready with joy and especially to give gifts to us, unworthy shepherds. God! allow me to always warmly pray for them, as for true children who greatly desire 82 us for the sake of Your name! God! Save them by Thy mercy, by Thy strength! Lord, grant them to avoid every sin and perform every virtue of glory for the sake of Your holy name! I thank the Lord for His great mercy towards me, for the victory over my invisible enemies, who fought hard and tormented me during the liturgy, especially before the great entrance, and at the very entrance with the thought of the money I had withheld for church or fraternal needs, from the extraordinary glorification on the day of the Dormition, and before communion, during and after it with indignation at the sexton for monotonous singing dogmatists during communion instead of communicants. Everything turned out to be the devil's dream. Don't think anymore. Christening at Ivan Alexandrovich [L...]. The successor Ivan Vasilyevich Yakovlev and instead of the successor] the grandmother. He performed the baptism boldly, boldly, with great faith - until he was tempted through his eyesight, looking at the scarf lying on the chest of drawers, intended for the priest and which seemed to be silk. I sinned in an instant by coveting this scarf; from that moment boldness, peace, freedom of spirit, light of eyes disappeared. This is what it’s like to be seduced by the red acquisitions of this age, which are dust! This is how dangerous, and painful, and shameful it is to enslave an immortal soul, created in the image of God, to earthly corruption! And when? During the performance of the great, heavenly Sacrament of rebirth, or birth from above, from God. Aren't we all born again? Where is the life on high? Where is the wisdom from above? Where is the contempt of others? Where is the non-covetousness? Where is the crucifix for the world? Then, after a conversation with the navigational officer, smart, well-read, before the snack I began to read the Lord’s Prayer, I was ashamed of the wise, life-giving, honey-giving, cleansing and fortifying words of the Lord: I did not read this heavenly prayer with all my heart - and how I was wounded by Belial in the very depths of my heart, what shame covered my face! Serves it right! For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, the Son of Man will also be ashamed of him when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy Angels [Mk. 8, 38]. So sometimes, out of some false shame and fear, you miss the words of church prayers, compiled according to the teachings of the Holy Spirit, who dwells with true believers and especially with the shepherds and teachers of the Church forever, and in the same way shame covers your face and the devil stings in the very depths of your heart! And rightly so! The words of the Church are the words of Christ Himself. You must pronounce them with all your heart, with humility, sincerely, in tenderness of the soul, without hesitation at all, without being ashamed or afraid of anyone. Grant this, O Lord, to the glory of Your most holy name. Is the Lord’s Prayer to blame?.. The enemy did not let me read that one, and he stuttered that one. God! grant me to rage against my enemy with all my strength, even if it is righteous. I should not eat meat: it produces excessive satiety, excessive accumulation of seeds or vital juices, unusual and restless tension of the reproductive member at night, distension of the sides, itching, insomnia, hardening and insensibility of the heart. (August 18th. Wednesday.) And do not eat fish either, or as little as possible, just to exist and be strong. Morning, 5 o'clock. Rufina's child screamed all night, but regardless of her scream, I could not sleep from my mistake. Why do I please my flesh, extensively nourishing it, delighting it in every possible way, resting it, when from this very indulgence it hurts me more and more painfully, my immortal soul created in the image of God, producing in me and intensifying sinful passions: animal greed, fornication, pride, rudeness and petrified insensitivity of the heart, impatience, malice, envy, grumbling, despondency, laziness? Why do I please her when this indulgence is very harmful for her, causing her insomnia, lower back pain, etc.? I act senselessly, carried away by passion. Oh, holy people of God! Help me with your prayers, me, overwhelmed and overcome by the sweets of this life, to enter the quiet haven of dispassion and gain victory over sinful habits and addictions, as you acquired through your faith, hope and love, through your unceasing zeal for the salvation of the soul and the desire for eternal blessings, through your abstinence, vigil and prayer, and labors. Christian love prefers to endure all the external inconveniences of life - crowding, lack of clean air, losses, rather than, because of these and similar external inconveniences, to allow impatience, grief, irritation, anger, and grumbling at those who oppress us out of necessity, or out of caprice of character, or out of a desire to live at someone else's expense, at someone else's means, at someone else's peace of mind. Love endures everything and endures everything to the detriment of itself, its material and bodily life. For where there is love, there is the grace of God and all goodness, there is peace, there is contentment. A Christian endures everything so as not to lose the grace of God, which for him is the greatest of blessings. I thank You, many-merciful and generous Lord, for this morning and on this day You have repeatedly surprised me, the accursed one, with Your mercy and Your great power and Your Divine power, saving me through my prayer several times from my insolent and evil and self-willed passions and after cramped conditions and sorrow, giving me space, peace and tranquility. I thank you for the tears of tenderness while I stood at the Sunday all-night vigil during the service of Father Matthew. To be at dinner parties and eat and drink to the sounds of music is a great loss for the soul and a disaster, for it is deprived of the grace of God and is filled with mental skims, 83, or evil and unclean spirits, it is filled with sinful thorns, which penetrate it all and perforate it and the body. (At Janisch's, the director of the gymnasium, at lunch.) I felt grief today at early mass because of yesterday's gluttony at lunch: sinful thorns overcame me: my larynx was extremely clogged with mental debris, because my heart was extremely clogged. I thought it was because of the dust at home and in the church, but also because of gluttony. At the christening in Tsepov’s house, the sailor has a great struggle: godfather, naval captain of the 2nd rank Povalishin, godfather - a good young lady, baby - Elisaveta. My insides were filled with invisible, all-evil opponents who extremely opposed me at every word, so that I could not pronounce some words and expressions in the clarification and baptismal prayers out of inner powerlessness and embarrassment. It was both tempting and scary! In the evening it began to rain: before the rain I have a strong breakdown of nerves and anxiety, and my voice becomes unclean. Abstinence is the basis of a Christian or virtuous life, which is why Christ the Lord, before going forth to preach the Gospel to the world, fasted and through fasting with prayer received spiritual strength for humanity, as it is said: return... in spiritual strength [Lk. 4, 14]. This is an example for us. I have given you an example [Jn. 13, 15]. During the service today (Sunday August 22) of the early liturgy, the evil spirit shook my spirit so much that in confusion and some kind of stupor I could not pronounce the names of the royal family. During the christening in Tsepov’s house, he could not utter the words: there are only ten students, etc., no matter how hard he tried. It was so hard! I could not utter many expressions due to vain demonic fear and apprehension. Truly thorns, poison and destruction for the soul are our addictions to perishable things. So, from the desire for a scarf at christenings in Tsepov’s house and in Karpov’s house, I was outraged by Belial, fell into fear, fear, was spiritually paralyzed, killed, could not pronounce many words! When will I lose interest in everything in the world, when will I consider all handkerchiefs, all money, all sweets, all insignia as rubbish and will be all in God and God will be everything to me? How many things deprive me of my Lord due to my addiction to material goods! Would you like the good of matter or the good of spirit? Corruptible and decaying or imperishable, enduring, spiritual? - Of course, the last ones. And they have been given to you and me, only we do not know how to use them with dignity, to our salvation and bliss. Make us all wise, all-merciful Lord, for salvation! Early liturgy. The entire liturgy went well. But fear for the haste in the singing of sexton Kutuzov began to disturb my calm, especially after the Cherubic Song; Indeed, he soon began to sing in those places where it was necessary to slow down and where I asked him to sing slowly; I was upset with him in my heart, and this was the beginning of my inner fall - and then I was greatly indignant in spirit and indignant with hostility towards my sexton, but this should not have been in my soul, I had to endure everything complacently: the sexton was decent, sober, reverent. This grief was the work of the devil. I have offended the Lord: I have destroyed His law, having hated my neighbor in my heart. Love is patient, merciful... does not get irritated... endures everything... never fails (1 Cor. 13:4 - 8). Let everything with you be done with love (1 Cor. 16:14). The voice at mass was good. After early mass I drank tea with wheat crackers and buns (I shouldn’t have), and it turned out that it was unnecessary. Tightness in the insides. I ate up to eight crackers and three small buns. From now on, be more attentive to yourself and more restrained. At two and a half o'clock I still didn't want to eat at all, but dinner was ready - and I went to eat again. Abstinence is the foundation of the Christian life. The collector for the Church of God, a simple peasant, gave me a smart speech about the grace of God: he was touched by my service, early mass, on Sunday. This is not my business, but the grace of God. Glory to Your grace, Lord! Mine are only infirmities, weaknesses, and sins! Your kingdom, your power and glory, O Lord, forever. Amen. The old man spoke well about the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the whole world. You must sincerely love a person in order to sincerely and unfailingly pray for him. And the devil tries to extinguish love in our hearts every day, hour and minute: he constantly intensifies to cool the soul towards God and neighbor through passions and addictions. That is why passions must be eradicated in every possible way. Coffee with grounds is extremely harmful for me: when yesterday I drank two cups at Ivan Stepanovich’s outside the city, my nerves completely sank, and at Novoselov’s memorial service I shouted in a trembling, weak voice. The sexton Kutuzov embarrassed with his unkind behavior through argument and abuse both [...] with the cab driver, and even with me. Yesterday evening I ate quite a lot of Chester cheese, washed down with Sauternes, drank tea with the same Sauternes, ate cheese along with butter and bread - and today at early mass I cursed my gluttony and satiety, for all this excess turned into sharp and poisonous arrows against me and into the power of the devil against me. I was on the coals; against the sexton Vasily Ivanovich Kutuzov, the devil aroused strong grief in me because of an insignificant incident. Why, am I subject to the same weaknesses, but I can’t tolerate weaknesses in my brother? Selfish! I read the prayer behind the pulpit with difficulty from devilish embarrassment and fear; You glorify those and further... not all of them, I missed the empress at the great entrance, I could not pronounce. At Novoselov’s memorial service, I stumbled from doubt and embarrassment at the cry “You are the resurrection... Oh, how evil is the devil, the serpent, Belial, the beast! The more I abstain, the stronger I become in spirit - the more I eat and drink, the weaker and more fearful I become... I thank the Lord for the indescribable mercy of peace given to me through communion of the Divine Mysteries. Oh, what happened before communion! What burden, crampedness, drowsiness, deadness, restlessness, confusion! And what peace, what freedom, what space, what sweetness, what tenderness of life after communion! Glory to Thee, Lord! How the enemy incited hostility against the sexton Kutuzov for singing quickly! I prayed, prayed to the Lord - and the Lord had mercy, delivered me from the evil of the devil. After smoking a cigar yesterday, today in rainy weather I had a severe headache, as I rarely get. I haven’t been sick like this for two years... I think it’s from smoking, I didn’t smoke a whole cigar out of habit. I sinned before the Lord. And what weakness and exhaustion, physical and moral, was with me during Matins! I could barely stand. The devil imposes his absurdities, abominations, malice, pride, despondency, envy, fornication, gluttony, covetousness, drunkenness, etc. on us jealously and with extreme violence every day, and he tries by all means to purge words of eternal life and good deeds from our lips and hearts, trying to prevent us from teaching or preaching about the Lord Jesus, causing darkness of thoughts and rebellion of thoughts during the performance of public prayers. Trifles are easily said and done, but prayer and good deeds are sometimes difficult to achieve: the enemy creates obstacles and complicates the easy and good yoke of the Lord, which is why the path of the righteous is narrow and sorrowful. If I do not endure or endure anything that is contrary to my corrupted will and I do everything only according to my own will, then I am a person rejected by God, for then what prevents me from moving from sin to sin? What will be the antidote to the corruption of my will? “I will die doing my own will, and not the will of God.” I thank the Lord, who cleansed the multitude of my sins through the communion of His Holy Mysteries and destroyed the fierce machinations of demons in me, and after the oppression and violence bestowed His Divine peace. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer gave me the grace to perform a prayer service with hope and strength of heart in Frank’s apartment while vigorously fighting against the fear and cowardice of the enemy forces. 27 At night there was a slight defilement due to the consumption of a significant amount of unleavened milk at night, and meat at dinner. One should not eat either milk or meat unless in need or in case of illness. God! help! There were prodigal visions. This is due to excess of nutritious food and sweet drinks. And what does this mean: He will drink from the stream along the way, and therefore he will lift up his head [Ps. 109, 7 ]?.. John the Baptist... And we are like delicacies and pampered with food and drink! I thank the Lord for the infinitely great mercy of delivering me from the demonic anger aroused by the enemy during my early liturgy against the sexton Kutuzov, who came to church a little late and sang rather hastily in the choir. The fire of the enemy’s malice was fierce and unbearable; I could not bear it and rushed about as if wounded by a fierce, fiery sting. He fell to the throne, prayed with all his might, kissed him many times - it did not help: anger overcame him; Finally, he touched the Gifts after placing them on the altar, praying to the Lord with the fervor of his heart, and the Lord had mercy. It is common for the devil to raise a whole storm over trifles, to open a terrible hellish fire in the soul, and under the pretext of zeal for piety. Alas! What a trick! I am a man of illnesses - not me, but my illness irritates me; It’s not people’s fault, it’s my fault that I haven’t learned to tolerate their weaknesses. My sexton’s offense was insignificant; it could easily be covered with love and condescension. He came to mass at the wrong time, but he has a small, restless child who doesn’t let him sleep at night—he overslept, naturally. May God forgive him. And the devil incites me to be angry with him. It won't happen. The enemy urges me to serve too slowly, drawn out, monotonously, thus binding my feet, and I must serve smoothly, not very slowly, evenly, keeping up with the serving brethren - the deacon and sexton, saying many prayers within myself, as indicated by the charter. During the boatswain's unction, the devil opened a strong fire on me today, pressing me to the extreme, so that I could not utter many words. This is because I had a hearty lunch of fish soup with fresh fish and fried fish with cucumbers, which is why my sides feel tight. What spiritual storms, hurricanes, terrible, fiery, impetuous whirlwinds often happen in human life, in the lives of those people who try to live a Christian life and serve God with prayer, interceding for themselves and for others before His ineffable mercy! It is only by the grace of God that the shuttle in which our soul travels across the sea of ​​life to the eternity that awaits it does not completely break or perish! The priest must try in every possible way to maintain courage, courage, audacity in himself, in spite of the ethereal enemy, who in every possible way and incessantly instills in him his dreamy fear, his absurd fear. Without boldness, where did he, that is, the priest, end up? He cannot be an exposer of human vices, nor a true minister of the Sacraments. Boldness is a great gift from God and a great treasure of the soul! In earthly warfare, or war, courage, or bravery, means a lot, for it works simply miracles, and even more so in spiritual warfare. What is it like for our departed to travel through aerial ordeals! How earnestly and wholeheartedly we need to pray for them! A priest needs to dine extremely moderately in order to always be ready for prayer and secret action, for a full belly is deaf to prayer. Yesterday I ate a hearty meal of fish, and after dinner they called me to administer unction to a sick man, and it turned out very badly. And today I greedily ate cod and meat with cabbage soup. What does it look like? O angelic priesthood! How high and holy you are! Meat food causes me great mental harm: it causes tightness and weakness in the heart; the disembodied enemy conveniently defeats me, swaying me with doubt, fear, and rage. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness during the all-night vigil on Sunday (August 28-29), for the prayer for all people. I ask forgiveness from the Lord for my doubt, fear and embarrassment when reciting the prayer to Christ, the True Light... which I could not pronounce due to weakness and decline of nerves and spirit and from an incomprehensible fear. The source of all true joy flows in the church, all true peace and pacification of conscience, cleansing, healing of soul and body, a source of strength and vigor of the soul, and the theater, and various home worldly consolations will never replace what a true Christian receives in the church, in which God Himself comforts the souls of believers and those who turn their thoughts and hearts to Him, just as a mother comforts a baby. From the church, our departed also receive joy and consolation with the cleansing of sins and pardon. How ardently one must love the church! How to decorate it! And this is done by everyone who knows its value. And the Church prays for them, saying: let us pray for these who enter into it with faith, reverence and fear of God, and: let us pray for those who bear fruit and do good in this holy and all-honorable church, or: sanctify those who love the splendor of Your house, You glorify them with Your Divine power. Fabulists and secular writers in general, especially the most talented ones, like Pushkin and others, are respected and revered like gods - but the Gospel of the Lord Jesus Christ is neglected, divine services are neglected, and the theater is diligently attended, because it excites, nourishes and supports human passions, flatters human lusts. Where is our Christianity? I don't see it, I only see paganism. What Krylov teaches was also taught by the pagan fabulists Phaedrus and Aesop, and by many philosophers and orators. So true is the prophecy of the Apostle, who says that the time will come when Christian people will turn away their ears from the truth and turn to fables (2 Tim. 4:4) and according to their own desires they will heap for themselves teachers who have itching ears (2 Tim. 4:3). Was there a place for meekness, gentleness, humility, if we were not despised, upset, or irritated? - No, therefore, we must endure human contempt or mistakes and shortcomings with obedience to the will of God and with meekness and kindness, praying for our ill-wishers from the heart, so that they will not suffer any great harm for our sake, for the Lord is righteous and will break the horns of sinners and lift up the horn of the righteous. How many reasons for a self-loving and proud person to be hostile to his neighbor! Someone nodded endlessly before when meeting us, but now he doesn’t - and the trouble is, that’s the hostility towards him; someone took off his hat, bowed, but now he doesn’t - again there’s trouble. But there is no trouble. - They neglect you, but you respect, please, caress, give - that’s the end of the trouble, and every enemy will reconcile. We must not give place to the devil in our hearts. (Today I sent a prosphora to the inspector, that is, to his wife, Glafira Ivanovna: she is angry with me for something.) Our pride (mine and the other person) is extremely sensitive: we must be able to deal with people so as not to disturb them; We are all definitely sick in spirit. Love, love, meekness, affection, kindness, patience, silence, obedience - this is how our mental illnesses are healed! Listen more closely to the words of the Gospel and to the prayers of the church, so that you can recognize your poverty and misery and damnation: in them, like in a mirror, the face of our soul is depicted, the weakness of our being, all the misery of our life. For example, listen with the ear of your heart to at least this verse, to this prayer: may Thy compassions soon precede us... as we are so poor [Ps. 78, 8 ], etc. An abyss of sins! How much in the heart of a person who has not been regenerated by grace, like me, the accursed one, there is evil, secret ill will, pride, stubbornness, willfulness, lustful and nasty thoughts, evil and blasphemous, addiction to earthly goods, voluptuousness, love of money, covetousness, insolence, murmuring, despair, blasphemy! The paralysis of my heart and demonic confusion and cramping occur, as I learned through experience, from excess in food and drink beyond my bodily needs, which I have very little. I must eat and drink everything in quantity, measure and weight. Yesterday I liked the cream, and I enjoyed it with tea, and I would not have had to drink or eat anything. Fast food tires, burdens and constrains the body, and at the same time the soul; on the contrary, fasting gives rest, lightness, and spaciousness (I mean plant foods without fish, for example, soup with cereals and roots, a pie with cabbage and raspberry seeds, or a pie with rice and onions). When you observe fasting on fasting days, you now notice the difference for soul and body between fasting and fasting food. So, today, by the grace of Lenten food, I felt very good, light, calm, spacious and prayed successfully and saw much less temptations, and yesterday, when I ate meat and drank tea with cream - oh, how heavy my heart was, how many temptations, what crampedness, fear during prayer, although there was great tenderness at the all-night vigil. Fast food is a true scourge for the soul and body. Yes, I am not tempted by food and drink that is frugal and fatty, although they are tasty. I thank the Lord for the great grace of prayer and tenderness today in church during the all-night vigil, from August 29 to 30. Christ, the true Light... pronounced the entire prayer loudly, with boldness and strength. I thank the Lord for taking away vain fear. This afternoon I slept after lunch. This was beneficial for me. How poisonous and deadly are worldly cares and addictions for the soul, even if they touched it for a single moment during a divine service! - The soul becomes darkened, deprived of peace, tranquility, life, space and falls into confusion, crampedness, destruction! O sheep of the verbal flock of Christ! Who will sincerely care about you, about your salvation, about your mental and heart education, about teaching you virtue, about your correction? Everyone, and the shepherds themselves, are looking for their own, and not what is Christ Jesus 84), everyone is looking for acquisition, enrichment, pleasure of the flesh, honor, splendor, luxury in the decoration of the home, in clothing, in dishes, in the table, and not that which is the only thing needed, that is eternal, vital, heavenly, incorruptible. God! How we got it! 85 When we will be the chosen flock, when we will live the inner life! What great spiritual distress and misfortune can arise from covetousness when admonishing the wealthy with their property to the sick, when performing the Sacraments of Unction, Baptism with Confirmation, when praying to mothers in labor, etc., and from voluptuousness when performing proskomedia! What futility! 86 It is impossible to describe. Freedom was given to the Russian people by the sovereign, but this freedom is due to the [guilt] of the flesh - carnal freedom, complete licentiousness, freedom for all vices. Woe to the Russian people, woe to the government from the Ruler of the destinies of the world! - because they do not guide the people on the right path. The world is infinite, there are infinitely many creatures inhabiting it - but what order in the whole flow, in the whole life of the world (nature)! The world of premium minds, Angels, is endless - but what a rank in the angelic world! What a strict fulfillment of the will of God! Great is the human world! But how much disorder, self-will, ugliness there is in it, and therefore disasters - disasters of illness, various deaths, war, famine, drownings, fires, disasters from storms and bad weather, disasters from drunkenness, gluttony, love of money, untruth, perjury, suicide, murder! No number! Woe to us! And what will happen there, beyond the grave, forever and ever? I thank the Lord for the grace of fasting (on the day of John the Baptist, the beheading of his head), for for the sake of grace, I sow the new grace of mental and physical health and stumbling-free, euphonious service of the liturgy; sowing for the sake of grace and the Mysteries of God, we partook without condemnation and easily gained victory over our bodiless enemies. When I stumbled at the prayer behind the pulpit (in the words: You glorify them further) and the enemy wounded me and confused me, I easily found cleansing and healing in the Lord, in His Blood that is within me; a prayer service with the blessing of water to the Iveron Queen Mother of God served well; in Khrenev’s apartment too. To top it all off, the stomach cooks food very efficiently, resolves perfectly and easily. I thank the Lord for abstinence, for lean, fish-free food. I thank the Lord for the wonderful and joyful state after consuming the Holy Divine Gifts of the Body and Blood of the Lord. Infinite goodness, self-existent, imprecise goodness, ever-flowing 87, communicated to everyone, glory to You! Amen! Amen, amen! Let every creature praise You. Today I seriously sinned before the Lord, offending the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of my Lord Jesus Christ, by being upset during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism for those who untimely supposedly brought a baby to the church to baptize during late mass, while I did not count on this, but after mass I expected to immediately go to the birthday singer Alexander to serve a prayer service (not mine, but Your will be done in me, Lord!). He sinned by blaspheming the Sacrament itself through his grief and grieving the Holy Spirit, the Spirit of grace. I would joyfully perform this heavenly Sacrament whenever it happens - in the morning, at noon, in the evening or at night; and I, foolish and passionate, cowardly, became upset and, in the cramped state of my soul, reluctantly and reluctantly said my prayers with some carelessness and insolence. But glory to the infinite mercy of the Lord: He accepted my sincere and deep repentance and forgave me my great sin, cleansing me for the sake of the Blood that flowed from His ribs. Glory to the Lord for this! Again I was extremely tempted while performing the Sacrament of Baptism at Al. Moiseevich Feodorov with a baptismal handkerchief, imagining that it was silk, and being captivated internally by such a treasure. Oh, vanity! Oh, low and stupid earthly passion during the performance of such a heavenly Sacrament! Why didn’t he consider it rubbish, decay, rags, matting and a silk handkerchief, if he really was like that, why would he insult even for a moment the Divine mystery of man’s rebirth from God by water and the Holy Spirit!.. And why is it worth buying a silk handkerchief for me if I really need it! And how much do I need? Oh, shameful acquisitiveness, unbearable in the priesthood and always worthily punished right away by the zealous God. The enemy laughed at me during baptism, embarrassed me several times, offended me, and scorched me with a desire for a silk scarf! (And the handkerchief turned out to be paper.) Because of embarrassment and cramped conditions, I could not pronounce some words and expressions. But I thank the Lord, who accepted my heartfelt repentance and had mercy on me through faith and repentant prayer and bestowed grace, life, peace, freedom, and boldness at the end of the Sacrament! Thank you, All-merciful Savior, Quick to Hear! Evening. 8 o'clock. Here's your tea for the night, here's a cake with tea without cream and butter or without wine. God! my mercy, forgive me that yesterday I spoiled myself by frequent eating and drinking tea and coffee; Yesterday, apparently, the harm was not noticeable, but today in the service of Matins it was revealed: I turned out to be weak, weak in spirit and body, for excess in food and drink corrupts and weakens the body and soul. What a shock to the internal and external nerves! The disembodied enemy stole from the heart, from the mind and from the mouth the priceless words put into the mouth of the priest by the Church at the litanies, especially the words that contain glory to the Queen of heaven and earth, who magnified the Lord and exalted by the Lord and exalted the human race to deification, or dissolution with God. Like a whirlwind, it will come upon you and, against your will, snatch from your lips and from your heart the words that give life to the Christian soul. Oh, thief, oh, robber! Oh, mental monster, ghost! God! give me moderation and abstinence! I suffer from immoderation and greed, but I keep getting carried away by sweets and fall into the snare of the enemy. And how much I omit reading the Gospels and other sacred books through my gluttony and walking after eating and drinking; I omit the time for contemplation and prayer, for I must pray unceasingly; I care little, little about the salvation of the Christian souls entrusted to me from the Lord, but I care about increasing my material wealth, I am seduced by the acquisition of the corruptible things of this world, and I neglect the acquisition of incorruptible souls to the Lord! From satiety and drinking too much tea or something else, both the legs and the whole body become weak. What harm! Rambov is the common name for the city of Oranienbaum (now the city of Lomonosov). 1st prayer of thanksgiving for Holy Communion. Kuhmister (German) – a cook who prepares lunches to order, a table keeper, a hotel keeper. Prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos “Undefiled, Unblasphemous...” from the celebration of Great Compline. All (Church Slavic) - village, hamlet. Irmos of the 1st Sunday canon at Matins, tone 4. Lustful – here in the meaning of “loving”. Skimen (Church Slavic) – a strong young lion. Saint Demetrius of Rostov denounced the negligence of the clergy of his day with these words: “Why would you bring you into the sacred rank? Is it to save yourself and others? “No way, but in order to feed his wife and children and household... Consider everyone, O sacred man!.. I looked for Jesus not for Jesus, but for the bread of the bite” (sermon on the Sunday of the Holy Myrrh-Bearing Women. // Works of St. Demetrius, Metropolitan of Rostov. M., 1827. T. 2. P. 193). They were overwhelmed (Church Glav.) - they went crazy. Vanity (Church Glav.) – vanity, emptiness. Ever-flowing (Church Glorious) – inexhaustible. You might be interested in: