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I thank you, Lord, for you took away the anger from my heart against my sister Anna, through my prayer, and drove away the oppression of hell, sorrow and cruel torment from me and granted peace to my sister Anna with me and with her. I thank You, Lady, Mother of our peace, who has given us peace. You see how little food and drink you need, and you notice how the disembodied enemy laughs at you every day, at your addictions to earthly things: to an apartment, to money, to food and drink, to clothing, to earthly, vain honor - how it outrages, worries, oppresses, strikes with the sting of enmity towards your neighbors, envy - and so quickly, brazenly, tyrannically. And what a great blessing and mercy of God it is to be content with little, to trust in God, the Giver of all good things, and to live in mutual love! Is it because of the gifts of God’s love that you do not love those who are nourished and given rest by you in the spacious dwelling given to you by God? Live in love and overcome evil with good, but don’t dream that everything you have is yours! You have been given by God a spacious home to share with your needy relatives, good means of living to share with the poor. How much do you need? - A corner, a piece, a few sips, some clothes. As if you were the only ones settled on earth [Isa. 5, 8 ]? Those who repent. Do you believe in Jesus Christ? Do you remember His commandments? Are you trying to live according to His teaching? Are you trying to avoid sins and live in virtue? Do you avoid idleness and distraction? Do you practice prayer? In reading the Holy Scriptures? Do you visit the church of God on Sundays and holidays? Are you listening carefully to the word of God? Have you not allowed passions and vices to take root in yourself: hatred, enmity and malice, envy, ill will, pride, irritability, gluttony, drunkenness, stinginess, love of money, ambition, waywardness and stubbornness, grumbling, blasphemy? game, do you quarrel over empty things, or over anything at all, with your family, relatives, neighbors? Didn't they fight? Did you offend anyone? Didn't they swear, didn't they deceive? Haven't you lived prodigal lives? Do you sincerely repent of your sins? Do you sincerely intend to live in the future pleasing to God and keep the commandments of the Lord, doing good deeds, overcoming sins and passions and striving with all your might for eternal life? (Print the confession form in the Kronstadt Bulletin - give all the questions.) Didn’t he hide it? Didn't he steal it? Are you living unlawfully with any virgin or woman? Remember Noah’s ark, in which the wolf and the sheep, and all the beasts and animals, lived peacefully and amicably. Live peacefully and harmoniously in your ark, that is, in your apartment, respect the same womb. The Lord the Giver Himself accepts what you give to sister Anna and her child: with humility and kindness, with love, peace and nourish them. Notice the affection of sister Anna and appreciate this affection and her herself. I thank the Lord, who again saved me from the torment of the devil through my prayer and resistance to the devil. Glory to Thee, Lord! 10 o'clock midnight. The Lord is merciful and generous, long-suffering and abundantly merciful, He does not deal with me according to my iniquities and does not reward me according to my sins, but according to the height of heaven from the earth He establishes His mercy on me [Ps. 102, 11]. Saturday of the First Week of Lent. Early mass. I thank the Lord, who raised me from spiritual death and delivered me from extreme weaknesses and fierce sorrows and the insolence and torment of the devil, who tormented me throughout the mass. Having received the Holy Mysteries, I came to life again after spiritual death, which lasted a whole week or almost a week after the raw resurrection. I completely changed mentally and physically after communion of the Holy Mysteries: I became cheerful, brave, and healthy. And how morally bad I was during the First Week of Lent, remaining without service! I was the devil’s pitiful plaything, a playground of passions: anger, envy, irritability, impatience! Every trifle irritated me and caused me to quarrel! What touchiness! What rancor! I sinned before God and before myself by drinking a glass of vodka today before lunch and half a glass of black beer after lunch, by eating enough herring in butter, large fish in the ear and fried smelt with enough black soft bread. With this I burdened my heart: during the service of Vespers I was extremely weak and timid in heart, my voice trembled; out of fear I could not pronounce many words at the litany and dismissal: the grace of God left me righteously - I am worthy of it. Next week, eat once a day, and throughout Lent. Excessive physical strength is harmful. 10 pm. I thank the Lord for the gift of heartfelt prayer during the all-night vigil and, after long cramped conditions and struggles with embarrassment, for peace, spaciousness and lightness in my soul and for sweet tenderness and tears. The Lord is not yet completely angry with me, He has not yet cut off His mercy from me, He is still resurrecting me, a stinking spiritual dead man, He is still giving me the fragrance of grace, He is still enlightening my darkness, He is still taking away the infirmities of my soul, fears, apprehensions, fierce passions, He is still strengthening me with His grace, He is still elevating my spirit from the addictions of temporary life. I am also wrong before God that I rejoice in the profit of money - it means that I am partial to the world, covetous and do not love my neighbors, for he who loves money cannot love the poor, his own or others, who need to be helped; I am also a carnal, old, sinful person, and not a spiritual one, that I am depressed and grieved because of the stay of my married sister Anna with her child, with whom my wife has had so much trouble and a lot of defects or expenses - as if God had stopped providing for us and giving us everything we need in abundance. I have not yet acquired unhypocritical love, to love equally every person, no matter who he is, for the sake of his soul, for the sake of the same nature, and not according to the calculations of pride, to love those who do not love me, and those whom I help, and not those who give to me. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to confess 168 (or 178) people in the First Week of Lent (March 3). The Lord gives you many blessings, spiritual and physical, heavenly and earthly, and in gratitude for this he demands from you that you show benefits to your neighbors and to your relative Anna Konstantinovna and her baby, who lives with you, as if you were repaying it to God Himself with willing and loving generosity. Here is your opportunity to show love for God and your neighbor - in your household, here is your God in His image, that is, in a baby and his mother (relative), here is your neighbor. He who does not love his brother whom he sees, how can he love God whom he does not see? (1 John 4:20). The bodiless enemy, knowing how great and strong our common prayer is for each other, intensifies to prevent us from praying heartily for each other (for the king, queen, for everyone), causing confusion, fear, coldness or hesitation in other ways. A traveler needs travel supplies, such as money, linen, outerwear, food; those who are dying and dead, setting off on a long, unknown, terrible path, also need travel supplies: parting words of confession and communion of the Holy Mysteries, prayers and alms for the souls of their relatives, friends and acquaintances. Tame your heart, like Vesuvius and Etna, flaming with passions. Our Vesuvius is either completely cold, like cooled lava, or too flaming and ready for a terrible eruption. Fasting and prayer. Week of Orthodoxy. Glory to the mercy and almighty power of my Lord, who again raised me, a stinking dead man, from spiritual death, sorrow and oppression, confusion, fear through the acceptance of truly life-giving, holy and sanctifying, heavenly and terrible Mysteries and through pronouncing with boldness and power the words of Levanda 134 about putting off the old man and putting on the new - the words of the strong, eloquent, fiery: it was a true medicine for my soul - I hope that for many, many standing in the church, and there was a full church for the people. How good I felt after communion of the Holy Mysteries, how revived, calmed, comforted, how my heart expanded! How encouraged I was, how easy it became for me! Oh, vital balm for my soul and body, Divine Mysteries! Oh, true everlasting life - the Holy Mysteries! Oh, driving away spiritual death and hordes of demons - the Holy Mysteries! Oh, my light, my strength, my boldness, my spiritual armor - the Holy Mysteries! I thank the Lord for once again having mercy on me, the greatest sinner! He served Vespers with boldness, without stumbling, by the grace of the Lord Christ. To complete God’s mercies, I accidentally anointed myself with myrrh after Vespers, when I was pouring myrrh into a vessel! And for this fragrance and goodness and power of the Spirit I thank the Lord. Feeling my extreme spiritual poverty, I wept deeply while reading the sublime prayers at the liturgy of St. Basil the Great, washed with tears in the proper sense, for I vividly imagined the endless patience and mercy of the Lord Christ God towards me, evil-tempered and unworthy, nasty, prodigal! At the beginning of the liturgy, when removing particles from the prosphoras, I was troubled in spirit at the sight of the good, significant size of the prosphoras, but I also cried over my envy and greed for the perishable fruit of the earth that had corrupted my heart so many times. At the great entrance, I could not remember the Empress [in order], I didn’t speak out of fear, embarrassment and crampedness of her name and may the Lord God remember... then I began to strongly resist the embarrassment and satanic fear and loudly, with energy, I began to speak the names of the royal family rarely, without haste, and I said it safely, and I myself felt at ease. We must resist the enemy to the last extreme and pray for everyone sincerely; public prayer, especially when combined with the offering of the Bloodless Sacrifice, is infinitely powerful. Secondary prayers, or prayers repeated the second and third time, must all be pronounced with special force, for example, Lord and Master of my life, troparia of the hours, prokemenas, Blessed is our God who is so gracious, glory to Thee! Or words of blessing, or constituting the essence of the Sacrament during betrothal, wedding, baptism and confirmation, consecration of oil... I thank the Lord, who girded me with strength from on high during Matins for stumbling-free and bold service; I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the acute poison of the serpent when the spiritual serpent wounded me at the end of Matins with an absurd fear at the sight of Philip Stepanov, my spiritual son. I repent to the Lord and ask for forgiveness, because I was disturbed in the spirit of the house at the sight of cow’s milk and quick butter at the meal in the dining room (why should I be embarrassed? - but out of my greed, I seemed to envy and became embittered at those committing atrocities during Lent). And I myself drank a bottle of Bavarian beer alone in the evening - is that okay? I thank the Lord, who has strengthened me to complete the hours without stumbling. He sinned before God and before his neighbor by listening to the devil’s suggestion and telling the altar guard Nikolai a rumor about his dirty tricks - the theft of church things, especially candles, about his drunkenness, about his gossip in the tavern about the cathedral clergy. I made him angry. However, if the rumor is true, then it is a precaution for the future. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from severe cramped conditions and sorrow through my prayer on the way to the gymnasium. Glory to Thee, Lord! March 6. 4 pm. There is no need to stand up for your honor, which is insulted behind the eyes, but to bless those who curse. David and the Lord of David, Jesus Christ, were dishonored unjustly and to his face, but they [did not disdain] those who slandered - so are you. I thank the Lord, who saved me twice (before and during Compline) from oppression and sorrow, when I fell heartily in repentance to the throne of grace in the Intercession chapel. Cursed from me is my intemperance, from which I suffered terribly mentally today during the service of Matins and the Hours; during the service of Matins from yesterday's incontinence (a bottle of beer), and hours - from intemperance in the morning from tea (three glasses with honey and a roll). The disembodied enemy completely overpowered me: I could not, no matter what you wanted, say some sayings and prayers. And what a shame! What mental pain! It’s all from gluttony. I repent that I passed on an unfounded rumor about the watchman Nicholas the altar to him and angered him: it turned out that it was not true that he was stealing church candles and selling them. You need to find out, and not believe every rumor in the future, otherwise you will offend a person for nothing. You will take a grave sin upon your soul. Let us assume that church interests must be protected by all means, but only people should not be offended by quick faith or gullibility by any rumor. Science. The child Rufina instantly senses with his childish soul that I am sometimes out of sorts and disinclined towards him and turn away from him with my heart and face. Do not have a single movement of unrighteous disgust towards anyone. Why do I still worry so much about the insidious, multi-passionate flesh that destroys my soul? Why am I caressing this snake? Why do I cherish this scoundrel who has defiled my soul, this heavenly daughter of the Holy Spirit, this bride of Christ, the Son of God? Why do I extensively nourish her, when it is precisely through this that she kills me, my faith, my hope, my love for God and neighbor? Why do I worry about collecting (and not wasting) money, when caring about it, addiction to it inflicts scorching ulcers on my soul and constantly diverts my soul from the only thing needed - from love for God and neighbor, from virtue? Why am I concerned about decorating this multi-passionate flesh, when it will soon become food for worms? Am I being reasonable? - It's ridiculous. The Lord has hitherto given me and those with me everything that is necessary for life and that is abundant; I hope that the same Lord, who provides for everyone, will not leave us in the future and will give us everything we need: why am I troubled and oppressed in my heart because of the long stay of my wife’s sister and baby? After all, she is poor because her husband is in the hospital. If I consider it necessary to help others, then even more so, although I am not bound by a direct obligation. There is no need for me to chase losses and shortcomings: sooner or later will we leave everything here and depart naked from this life. Oh, you, my blind, damned flesh! Because of you, you dirty, reptile, ridiculous bastard, I am still chasing smoke, steam, soap bubbles, dreams of the heart and imagination, dreams! Because of you and because of these bubbles, because of this smoke, I am at enmity, I envy, I am proud, I am puffed up, I pout like a mouse, I frown, I am annoyed, I am torn! Everything is a dream! Everything is vanity! Vanity of vanities - all is vanity! [Eccl. 1, 2]. Oh, how my soul suffers and is plunged into sins from excess of food and drink! And yesterday I greedily ate pie with buckwheat and mushrooms - twice in a row. March 8, 1872 In order to speak the great litany worthily, one must oneself be great in faith and love for God and humanity; How great is the Church of God, how great were the holy apostles and holy fathers, who, by divine inspiration, composed litanies and prayers! So, try to be great in spirit in order to worthily speak litanies and prayers; try to acquire fiery love for God and for people, and first of all, a pure heart, for only a pure heart can be the seat and container of common, high, bright Christian love. Presanctified Liturgy with Hours and Vespers. God! I thank You for delivering me from my cramps, from the fear and embarrassment of demons during these services; for tears of tenderness when reading prayers before the transfer of the Mysterious Perfect Sacrifice, for communion without condemnation, for boldness and complete reading of the prayer behind the pulpit, and for successfully conducted classes. God! I thank You, for in an instant you saved me during a home dinner, when the enemy was crowding and confusing me with secret malice and envy regarding my sister Anna, and when I, in cramped conditions, looked up to You, at Your image in my hall, suddenly the serpent stopped crowding me - I became calm, my soul became spacious and light and clear, I was imbued with a feeling of affection for my sister and her baby and, most importantly, Surprisingly, the baby willingly kissed my hand, whereas before he did not want to and resisted his mother, who forced him to kiss: this is the instinct of an infant’s soul! God! Confirm this good disposition in me forever and deliver my soul from all the charms of the enemy, so that I may always walk in love, meekness, kindness, patience, self-control, chastity, in truth and spiritual joy. I often feel inwardly angry with the servant Anna because, having eaten a hearty meal and laid down in the living room for the night, she greatly spoils the air with her stench. But is human stench really evil? Isn't there just a certain state of air that is quite unpleasant? But to hate and persecute a person even for these miasmas is a real evil, worthy of God’s punishment, because there is an evil disposition of the soul, adopted from the leader of evil - the devil, the first murderer and enemy of God. We leave our debtor to my brother, Priest Gregory, who offended me with words in his letter to his wife, may his sin against me not be imputed, but grant me from the bottom of my heart to forgive him for his offense, O Lord, who forgives us countless sins. Here I am wounded by a fierce ulcer. God! he said in the letter: sit in your nest (that is, in our apartment) until they drive you with a thick club. We should laugh at these words, and not be offended by them. But I was offended because I felt exposed for my real dislike towards them, which was sometimes expressed very unseemly, and I was often gloomy during their long stay with me, because I was burdened by their long inaction and parasitism, although I myself am a parasite and incontinent before the Lord. So, I would have to repent internally of my dislike and dislike for Father Gregory and his wife, but I added a new guilt to my guilt - I was offended by his words. I repent, Lord, of both sins. Destroy the enmity between us and give us a brotherly disposition towards each other, and heal all our illnesses, and bring brother Gregory back to health from the hospital and place him in his place of service. But really, I was ready to drive them away from me with anything. Oh, how I need love, which endures everything and forgives everything. Without love, condescension, patience, forgiveness, I am nothing, all my apparently good deeds are nothing. Grant me a kind, gentle heart, unshaken by anything evil or disorderly, O Lord! Endure insults and deprivation of property for the sake of God - and you will be a martyr. If you are deprived of material property and, due to its deprivation, you lose spiritual, incorruptible, priceless property - love commanded by the Gospel, then what good hope remains for you? What estate? So, losing (and according to the true Gospel word - gaining, preserving) your material property from your neighbors, hold fast to love both for these benefited ones and for all people; if they are ungrateful, evil, offend you with caustic words or deceive you - do not lose love for them, do not be offended by them, but pray for them and continue to willingly do good to them, remembering that we must imitate God, who is good to the ungrateful and evil [Lk. 6, 25]. So, with your material possessions, do not lose, do not lose your priceless, incorruptible, heavenly possessions and treasures of love, so that the devil does not rob you. Be prudent and vigilant. March 9. Where is the meekness and humility commanded by Christ the Savior? Are you offended and feel hostility towards your brother because he says words that do not flatter your pride, but castigate it? But remember the Lord, who, being the greatest Righteous One, suffered from people, what curses, reproaches, ridicule, beatings, the cross and death! Imitate Him. Do not follow the devil’s malice, no matter who, when and how you are insulted or untruthful 135. Evening. I thank You for Your immeasurable kindness and long-suffering and mercy towards me, a sinner; no matter how many times I cry to You with all my heart in repentance of my malice, You graciously have mercy on me, take away from me sorrow, oppression, sinful dishonor and give me peace, freedom, open eyes. This is how You did this to me many times this day, when I was upset with the poor. God! I have never lacked anything essential by Thy mercy and Thy bounty, although I gave daily a significant amount to the poor: Thy hand always filled my right hand with Thy gifts, but I was unfaithful to You when giving alms: I often gave it with grief, reluctantly, forcedly, without respect for the person receiving, without affection, without tenderness. Well-fed, dressed, in a warm and spacious apartment, I did not feel, did not understand that many were very cold and cramped and stuffy, and most importantly, that many were hungry. I repent before You, infinite Grace! But when, Lord, will it please You to attract all the citizens of this city to charity? Again, I remind you, that is, myself: whether because of decay, because of a temporary home, or because of food and drink and money, this dust and dreams, you fall away from mutual love and you dislike those who use your good labor, you frown at them, when you should willingly and lovingly serve them and rejoice in their peace in your home, hoping for God’s mercy for yourself, for With the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matt. 7, 2; Mk. 4, 24]. But if you had to lose everything, do not lose the priceless treasure - love, and God will be with you, and everything will be with God. All is decay and vanity on earth! In gratitude to your wife and her relatives for the fact that you received your place through their father, and you yourself are satisfied with everything and have enough to eat, and you can send money to your sisters and their children in sufficient quantities - caress, shelter those in need for an indefinite time, without rushing to send them away from you, and the Lord will extend your life in His house, that is, in this world, and your dwelling, and in His house, that is, in the church, or His church, for you alone will dwell in your dwelling. Be content with little, so that you do not fall under the judgment of luxury. Live in the spirit and put to death the lusts of the flesh. Our nature needs very few earthly goods. Blessed is the one who knows this and does not worry about much, but keeps in his heart love for God and neighbor. Your brother, Priest Gregory, is indebted to you, [who enjoyed] the brashen with you in your house [Ps. 54:15 ], he offended you with a caustic word - forgive him his debts for the sake of Christ, of whom he is a priest; they owe you a lot of earthly blessings: attribute this to Christ Himself, our common Head, - from Him you will receive reward, and perhaps you have received it, albeit only in the first fruits. But look after yourself: do you yourself have sincere brotherly love for him, do you wish him well in your heart, do you love him and his wife and their child, are you not at enmity against them, do you not despise them, do you envy them? If you are not disposed towards him, then how will he be disposed towards you? – Everywhere, in all the machinations of the devil, everywhere there is confusion. Everything is nature, they say, there is no need for churches, worship, Sacraments, fasting; man consists of earth and gas. Do not fall away from the love of your neighbor because of offensive words, but bear them generously, and be above all the arrows of malice. The enemy sets us on fire to say hurtful words to each other or about others, but do not give in to the enemy. Be strong in love: the qualities of a Christian are love, meekness, kindness, even if he is beaten, scolded, reviled unfairly and with indecent words. God! Benefactor, my Savior, glory to Thee. Again You resurrected me, a dead man stinking of passions, performing a miracle of mercy and power. Behold, the enemies from within are driven out: the Lord reigns, making rest in my heart. Yes, I hold on to love. I thank the Lord for the successful celebration of the Presanctified Liturgy with His help, and for the non-judgmental communion of His Holy Mysteries, and for the safely read prayer behind the pulpit. Put aside your waywardness and stubbornness so as not to stand on your own (regarding your sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna, who lives under your roof). On the day of your fast you will do your will, says God [Isa. 58, 3]. Oh, Thy holy and perfect will be done, Lord! An abyss of misfortunes befell me today during Matins: from gluttony with greed and satiety since the evening (March 9th) and another quarrel and grief with my wife (about Anna Konstantinovna’s stay with us) today during Matins I was extremely embarrassed when reciting the prayer, Lord and Master of my life... and the litanies; could not speak for fear of demons and cramped conditions; I felt that the enemies were within me and had taken me into their clutches (torment serves the thief right); barely, through unceasing prayer and tears and frequent falling to the throne and kissing, I achieved silence and freedom of heart. I said prayers and litanies with special effort, and then I barely overcame and broke the demonic armor in my womb. Oh, how powerless and dead the soul is when the body is nourished with sweets! Here's three meals in the evening (from three to six, from six to ten, or at the fourth, seventh and eleventh hour). How unworthy I felt while serving and standing before the throne of God! So often I partake of the Holy Mysteries and so zealously serve my belly, careless and lazy. What punishment, what shame am I worthy of? So much power was revealed in me by the Lord through the communion of His Holy Mysteries and through prayer; so much mercy, help, deliverance from grave sins and fierce sorrows and torment of the devil - and after all this will I remain insensitive, careless, lazy, faulty? Horror overcomes me when I imagine what will happen to me, trampling upon the grace of the Lord so many times over! I am a thousand times worse than Esau, rejected by God for carnality, worse than Manasseh 136, worse than all the sinners who sinned in the Old and New Testaments. This is not the time to read civil history, especially about kings and tyrants: you need to read the Bible and the Gospel and the lives of the saints. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts without stumbling. God! I thank You for the wondrous and speedy salvation that was revealed to me in the 2nd grade of the gymnasium, when in the cramped state of sin I cried out to You for salvation (sorrow and cramped conditions and shame befell me because of not giving alms to three beggars who persistently asked me along the way, while I ordered them to stand at the church). Sometimes you have to give it on the road. On the road, the Lord accepts my prayers. Our priestly task is to force everyone to prayer, good deeds and salvation. During Compline, while reading prayers for the pardon of people (the rule for confession), due to the slander of the enemy, I fell into fear and doubt about my reading and stumbled - oh, the absurdity! on those words that should have been uttered with special force, for they express the abyss of God’s mercy, namely: forgive sins seventy times sevenfold - and then the power of demonic fear, which entered my heart, took me captive, and I, embarrassed, voiceless, ashamed, went to the altar; they began to read a second time: Undefiled, Unglamorous... and And grant us, Vladyka, our future sleep... In the sorrow of my heart I fell to the throne - I received some relief, tranquility, strength; Litany Let's Pray... spoke quite calmly; I didn’t express some of the motivations for prayers. An abyss of incessant misfortunes! May God only grant you patience! Why the confusion and fear, why did the enemy laugh at me? Firstly, because of hesitation in my thoughts: whether to read or not the rule, because half had already been confessed and the other was confessing, and, secondly, because of the bright old (44th year of minting) ruble, someone threw me for confession, which I put in my wallet for safety from theft, because of one thought about it - this is how addiction to earthly decay is destructive for a servant of God in church, this earthly heaven, where all worldly cares must be put aside, especially when performing such and such great Sacraments. March 11, 1872. Morning. Because of this stumbling block during the entire confession, I did not have freedom, boldness and sincerity in my heart, and after confession, under the pressure of the beggars, I became angry with one of them, shouted at everyone and pulled out one of them by the hair. Having so often partook of the Divine and life-giving Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood of my Lord and having within me the Hypostatic, eternal, heavenly Life, I must only carefully preserve this life within myself and not cleave to anything worldly, for addiction to earthly things is sorrow, crampedness, powerlessness, illness of the soul, spiritual death; I should not spare my neighbors, my relatives food and drink, housing, money, because the Lord Himself accepts them in person and is able to reward them with every good thing. Many prophets and kings wanted to see what I see, unworthy, that is, the Divine Body and Blood, but they did not see, and to hear the voice of the Lord God and His miracles - and did not hear [Matt. 13, 17]. Appreciate, my soul, the priceless, greatest, wonderful gifts of your God and do not be seduced by temporary, perishable, fleeting blessings. They are like smoke, like a dream. Cling to the Lord and keep Him in your heart. By them you will live forever and ever. Listen to yourself, so that in your heart there will not be a secret word of lawlessness, fornication or love of money, greed, envy, pride, unbelief, anger at your neighbor, guile, murmuring, blasphemy, despondency, fear, cowardice, doubt, despair and other sins. May the heart be pure, may it be a good land, bearing the fruits of good deeds to the Lord. Saturday of the 2nd week of Lent. God! I thank You for girding me with power from above for the stumbling-free performance of the Liturgy, for granting me the communion of Your Holy Mysteries for the pacification, revitalization, cleansing, sanctification and strengthening of my soul and body and for the shameless communion of Your faithful! God! I thank You, for You quickly saved me during the meal, when I, in the cramped conditions of the enemy, cried out to You from the bottom of my heart in repentance for mercy and to deliver me from the sin of hard-heartedness towards the poor and failure to give alms. Why did I pass by a beggar in great need when he strongly wanted to ask me for help? Why did you leave him and take a cab to get home faster? Do I want? But I wasn't very hungry. And I was not overly tired. So, am I in a hurry to please my belly, to eat and drink greedily, in order to burden myself and lose the grace of God? It turns out like this. Yes, after that I’m worse than dumb cattle. And he knows when to stop, knows pity for his own kind. Do a lot of beggars bother you? Do you serve to many people? - So what? The more, the better - the more mercy you will receive from the Lord. I confess, Lord, your new mercies towards me, unworthy and many-passionate, revealed before the all-night vigil and during it in forgiveness of my rage against the poor youth, known for his smallness, although very poor, who relentlessly followed me asking for alms; You took away my guilt, took away the spiritual death that wrapped itself around my ribs, took away my shame and reproach, my sorrow and oppression, extinguished the flame of Gehenna in me and gave me peace, boldness, sincere and sublime prayer for Your people. I praise and exalt Your mercy, Your goodness, Your strength, Your salvation. I thank You for not allowing the forces of hell to completely overcome me and the malice of hell to consume me; I thank You, for my malice has not yet overcome Your unspeakable goodness and mercy. I also thank You, Lord, for new deliverance from the demonic malice that attacked me upon my arrival at the house, when I saw the disorder: notebooks for baby Rufina scattered on the floor. I cried out to You with all my heart for salvation, and You stretched out Your high arm and saved me soon - and the fire of hell and the water of rest disappeared - I felt the grace of the Holy Spirit in my insides. I also thank you for the new deliverance from the effects of anger in my heart as a result of my wife extinguishing the candle in my hands when I was walking from the living room to the hall and dining room to drink tea: I became angry with her and reprimanded her sharply and bitterly for this; I was restless and angry - but I cried out to You, that You might extinguish my anger and blot out my sin, and again You had mercy on me and pacified me. It is true for you, Lord, as you are righteous and abundantly merciful, but for me it is shame on my face, as a sinner, filled with passions, careless and lazy, alien to the fruits of good repentance. Sunday of the 2nd week. You, who cling to earthly blessings - money, sweets, clothing, housing, pleasures, games, books, of course want to enjoy heavenly blessings - peace of mind, spiritual joy; Why do you neglect the means through which peace of mind is achieved, that is, faith, prayer, abstinence, purity, justice and other good deeds? Have you infected yourself with unbelief, debauchery - and want peace and self-satisfaction? Impossible: correct yourself and you will be at peace. The unrighteous tend to worry and have no peace. The wicked shall not rejoice [Isa. 57:21], says God through the prophet. The Lord our God is holy and rests among the saints, but withdraws from sinners. They have forsaken Me, the fountain of living waters, and have hewed out for themselves broken cisterns that cannot hold water [Jer. 2, 13]. I thank the Lord, who heals, cleanses and renews me constantly through the communion of His Holy, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, to partake without condemnation of revival, sanctification, peace of my soul, health of soul and body, and to boldly say the word; also, at the funeral service in the Cathedral of Balabanov, say with boldness and unfailingly an exclamation. You wish for yourself or for someone else, or for everyone, some spiritual good, and the Lord has long before you wished it for you and others and is ready to grant it, if only there was a readiness to accept the Divine gift, if only those who were in any way worthy to accept it, because God is infinite goodness, infinite goodness and is always ready to bestow any good, and often gives it before asking, and in any case can create according to the abundance of what we ask or understand. Therefore, with hope and boldness, I always ask the Lord for spiritual and even material benefits, when these latter are needed, and the Lord gives, according to His true promise: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you; for everyone (not like some) who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened [Matt. 7, 7 – 8 ; OK. 11, 9 – 10 ]. Monday. I thank the Lord, my Savior, for quickly delivering me from evil gloominess during morning tea with my wife and sister Anna Konstantinovna. I just looked at the icon of the crucifixion of the Savior in the dining room with inner prayer, and the Lord extended His saving right hand and saved me. I got rid of the feeling of hostility, tightness and confusion. Glory to the Lord, who tames our hearts and teaches us meekness and gentleness. Teach me, Master, perfect kindness. Again I sinned before God and before little Anna, a hunchbacked beggar girl, because another time she came in the morning to ask me for alms. It was necessary to meekly and kindly accept her and give her what she needed. I sinned. I repent. Save us from now on, O God! The poor are members of Christ and members of mine. I must take care of them as well as myself. (Arrange guardianship.) For daily guidance in life, firmly remember the prayer of the Lord, Our Father, especially the words Thy will be done, forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors, and do not lead us into temptation. This is a wonderful prayer, it is an abbreviation of the entire Gospel. Remember her. God! give me memory and spiritual intelligence. It is bad that they say that on the Presanctified Day we receive prosphyra and take out particles for the living and the dead, and we also serve requiem services during the Lenten week: you are deceiving the people, they say, and yourself. (Makarov P.St. Burachok.) Lord! I thank You, for You have given me the grace to admit from my heart and sincerely guilty of my vain anger towards my sister Anna, whose words at evening tea with Anna Andreevna seemed to me sly, proud, sarcastic to my family or marital honor. Russians especially love to glorify St. Nicholas the Wonderworker, and he was famous precisely for his meekness and mercy, his love for the poor. What is forbidden is what one desires, one’s passion is especially driven towards it: from the time people transgressed the commandment about eating the forbidden fruit, everything forbidden seems sweet: someone else’s virgin and wife, modest food during Lent, someone else’s property, other people’s money (to save money means to eat up someone else’s property), prominent places in society - and in general, everything forbidden seems sweet. Christian love tries to smooth out or bring to unity, if possible, all the diversity of human views, concepts, characters, wills, habits, customs, knowing that love is the basis of the whole law of God, of all life, the basis without which man is a plaything of passions. Nevezhin (Lieutenant Al. Vasilyevich) was, strangely enough, an atheist, he never thought about God, as Pavel Stepanovich Burachok told me. And a smart, educated writer! That's science for you! I listened to him once with pleasure in school about North Americans and their way of life. He died without repentance and communion. It's a pity! The child Nikolai slept peacefully all night from eight and a half o'clock in the evening. I praise the endless Goodness, who heard my unworthy prayer for the possessed youth Nikolai, seven years old, the son of a peasant widow from Krasnaya Gorka, Anna Ivanovna Akina, and after a long struggle 137 from evil spirits, delivered him from them and gave him a peaceful and sound sleep. We prayed for a long time: first Blessed be God, Glory to Thee, Heavenly King, Trisagion according to the Father... Lord, have mercy 12, Come, let us worship, Have mercy on me, O God, Gospel of Matthew: Ask and you will receive... [beginning 20: 7, 7 - 11], our own prayer: For I do not trust in my own works, when I begin to pray, I will not I have created what is good on earth... but on the mercy and generosity and good obedience of my Master, who appeared to me without number in the days of my life, especially in the days of my priesthood... and I ask His merciful and unforgettable love for mankind to deliver this youth from all torment of the devil and grant him mental and physical health, and for this I place my hope in the all-powerful Intercessor, the Most Pure and Most Blessed Lady Theotokos and the Ever-Virgin Mary, in the intercession of the honorable heavenly Powers, ethereal, holy, glorious and all-praised apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, unmercenaries, saints, righteous people and all saints, through whose prayers I hope to visit you to receive this from Your innumerable goodness. - And with a sigh: the baby fell asleep soundly. Before, he was beating hard, lying on the floor, screaming. On March 14, at 4 o'clock in the morning, a boarding student, Lutheran Lau, shot himself in the gymnasium with a child's pistol without a barrel, due to grief from his mother and from the director Janisch, who often told him that he would be expelled from the gymnasium if he received bad marks in Latin. Oh, these clamps on every - both necessary and unnecessary - subject! Oh, this dead Latin! Oh, these dead Latin teachers, raping children's nature! Oh, the slavery of poor children! Oh, Egyptian slavery or much worse! Please everyone as you wish, whether you have the strength and desire or not! Oh, tyrant teachers who do not know how to cross their snouts! This word is true! They themselves do not know how to pray and only God knows how to live! This example of suicide can have a bad influence on other students! Dangerous example! Shutov, they say, once wanted to shoot himself, and even some boy. The shepherds were sleeping, perhaps after a game of cards, and the wolf was allowed to freely devour and tear apart a sheep from the herd. God be their judge! God! give me sincere and unchanging goodwill towards everyone, even if someone were a great sinner like me. Create evil things with Your goodness. What is the benefit to a person if he gains the whole world, the wealth of the world, the possession of the world, loud fame throughout the world, knowledge of all the external sciences of the world, but damages his soul? [Mk. 8, 36]. To the extent that the soul is more valuable than the world, so are all worldly sciences, worldly wealth, and nobility inferior to the spiritual sciences, or the sciences of faith, hope and love. Look at every Christian, at every member of your household as at Christ - with love, respect, benevolence; generously endure human mistakes and correct them with a spirit of meekness. March 24, 1872 By eating fish at night you create voluptuousness and a stony insensibility of the heart with a heaviness in the body. Do not eat fish at night: may this night bring you wisdom. (Strong erection of the genital member with heaviness in the sides.) March 17, 1872 Morning. Busy with empty things, we neglect what is essential: about fulfilling the commandments of God and about the main thing in the commandments - about love, about fulfilling the whole law [Rom. 13, 10]. Money, and sweets, and clothes, and home decoration, and pleasures, hatred and gossip, envy, greed, and lust - this is what we exercise in, we languish in, we kill ourselves, our days. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to celebrate the Liturgy in the Duma Church today and to partake of my peace and bliss of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. God! I thank You for Your great mercy, shown to me during the early Sunday liturgy while standing before the Holy Altar, when the thought of earthly calculations wounded and confused me: as soon as I turned to You sincerely with all my heart and placed my trust in You alone, who said: seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you [Matt. 6:33], how the grace of Your Spirit was communicated to me and took away the ulcer, sorrow and oppression from my soul. How good it is to cleave to You alone and trust in You alone, and not in the treasures of this world. I thank You for the non-judgmental communion of Your Holy Mysteries and for the spiritual joy from them and for the safely performed services, Matins and Mass. Thank you for a safe trip to St. Petersburg and Zemledelcheskoye. I thank You, my Joy, for repeated salvation along the way, when I, wounded by earthly thoughts and desires, in repentance with a sincere heart turned to You, my belly. I thank the Lord for the spiritual delight of His Gospel along the way: I read it all the way. Beware of the dust of sin, which is harmful to the soul and body: guard yourself carefully from vain, nasty, evil, covetous, prodigal thoughts, so that you do not often lose the grace of God, so that you do not lose it forever for unrepentance and for indolence in sins. When you go with your rival to the authorities, then on the road try to free yourself from him... [Lk. 12, 58]. Every kingdom divided against itself is desolate; and every city or house divided against itself will not stand [Matt. 12, 25]. Therefore, the all-evil and all-evil enemy, for the destruction of our souls, always produces division, doubling in ourselves: the flesh fights against the spirit; It is good for the one who fights with the spirit against the flesh; it is a disaster if he does not. How is he destroying us? – Addiction to the world, to the flesh, to the wealth and glory of this world, to constant sweets and pleasures and carelessness about the soul, coldness towards God, towards neighbors, towards their good, bliss, peace. What is destroying us? - Self-love, self-deification, pride, envy, hatred because of empty things, love of money, voluptuousness, gluttony and drunkenness, etc. Woe to people, especially priests, with a double heart, who are obliged to cling completely to God and ardently love the verbal sheep of the Lord, redeemed by His priceless Blood. What are they and I doing? “We eat, we drink, we dress elegantly, we love to collect money, play cards, we strive for distinctions and shiny and loud formal lists, so that as many different positions and earthly rewards are inscribed in them as possible, so that there is nothing to reward us in heaven - because here we want to accept all our rewards and we praise ourselves as much as we can, whereas it is not the one who praises himself who is worthy, but the one who the Lord praises (2 Cor. 10:18). O all-good and all-generous Lord Lord! How You honored, exalted, deified our nature in Your face, accepting all man into hypostatic unity with You, in the person of Your Most Pure Mother, exalted more than the Cherubim and Seraphim, in the person of the apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, the venerable and righteous and all the saints and, finally, in the person of us, the unworthy, having given birth to us by water and the Holy Spirit 138, giving us the grace of sonhood, sealing the seal of the Holy Spirit, feeding us with His Flesh and Blood, making one Church of Angels and men, giving us the future Kingdom of Heaven! - But teach us to walk worthy of our high calling, not to work for sin and to create Thy holiness in Thy fear. Amen. March 20. We often hear about suicides and suicides: suicides, before committing physical murder, are killed morally and spiritually - they are imbued with harmful, ungodly teachings; The source of life in their hearts - the grace of God - dries up, as a result of which they are overcome by melancholy, despondency, joylessness, and for them, apparently, it is better to die than to live, and they, not believing in the Last Judgment and in the resurrection of the dead, in future punishments and rewards, prefer to die, so as not to suffer mentally and physically, while they fall into endless torment. For the smoker, smoking tobacco turns into prodigal stings, stuck in the heart, with which it is difficult to fight, as yesterday it happened to me during the unction of Feona Petrovna Lazareva in the house of Sinebryukhova during the anointing of her white and molded breast (glory to the Creator, who created man so beautifully, expediently, gracefully, but unblestably!). Meanwhile, I smoke very, very rarely, maybe twice a month - and such consequences! She asked me to pray for her! Meek servant of God, simple! According to her faith, awaken her! I visited Lukina yesterday: how much weight she has lost! But how smart she is, what a conversationalist! How well he speaks! What faith! What piety! What a glorious rebuff she made to her nihilist governess and her mother, an equally atheist! My God! They trample on marriage, baptism, holy water, the Holy Mysteries, holy repentance, they laugh at the commemoration of the dead, they do not honor parents, they reject human dignity, they put a person on an equal footing with animals, they do not want to endure misfortunes, they rather deal with it, end their lives - they shoot themselves, hang themselves, drown themselves! The lives of the saints, the Gospel itself, are considered a fable! How long will this last?.. How will it all end?.. What is human society? – This is a nest of villains and villainies, a wolf’s pit! A bunch of godless people! Pitch hell, in which the darkness is impenetrable! We must vigilantly and relentlessly, constantly monitor ourselves so that we do not mistake the thoughts and feelings or movements of the old man who is within us for manifestations of the new man, for manifestations of the law, and not at all give them movement and freedom, but in every possible way and relentlessly suppress and mortify them in our hearts - for example, the movements of envy, pride, malice, revenge, murder, fornication, greed, covetousness, stinginess, theft, blasphemy, perjury, laziness; Many people take these feelings as natural and try to satisfy them. But I died in my anger: every man is a lie [Ps. 115, 2]. Lie, sons of humanity, in the measure of untruth 139 [Ps. 61, 10]. In the 4th week of Lent, 230 people confessed to me, Father Matthew had 320, and Father Paul 200. By purifying others, I am purified; When I heal, I heal myself. March 25, 1872. A full belly strongly resists God’s love for the poor - it is like a stone, cold and insensitive. An excess of food is the same as rubbish, and, moreover, harmful rubbish, deadening the soul, entangling it as with nets and fetters: it cannot soar to God. Saturday of the 4th week of Lent. Annunciation. It was hard for me today during matins and especially during mass, both because of the stale air due to the large number of people, as much, or even more, because of the food from yesterday evening - sweet jelly with almond milk in a significant amount; the womb was definitely not mine, it was as if in paralysis - the enemy controlled it, I could not take control of my heart for a long time; I cursed my intemperance. However, he performed the liturgy, although under a heavy cross, but safely and received communion without condemnation into the world of spiritual powers, and a people of up to three hundred and sixty people received communion kindly, with faith and reverence. Glory to the Lord about everything. Yesterday the food I took was truly rubbish for me, a useless, deadening burden. When will I learn to abstain? Especially when will I learn not to eat the evening before holidays or before the communion of the laity? We all love to look in the mirror, and for this we have many mirrors that expose our vanity; others love to look at themselves for a long time in these mirrors, especially in those that flatter them, but soon turn away from those that do not show them in all their splendor. What to do? Man is proud by nature, but corrupt nature is not the law. Why look at ourselves often when our face is the same? And what’s the point if the face is beautiful, and white, and ruddy, and dignified, but the soul is bad, passionate, vicious! After all, all the power is in the soul: it imparts beauty to the body; the soul is out - and the body is decay and stench. Therefore, we need to look more often into the spiritual mirror: for a Christian, this mirror is, firstly, the Gospel, secondly, the history of the first exemplary Christians, and then subsequent ones, especially the history of the holy saints of God. Are you a Christian and don’t deny it? Look at yourself, are you really what you should be: do you have the image of Christ in you, are you in any way similar to the first, true Christians? Isn't your life distorted, twisted inside out? Look into your Christian mirror - into the Gospel or into the history of the Christian Church, if you are an educated person, and this glance will be very useful for you. I started a little from afar, instead of talking directly about the matter. Yes, this does not interfere with the essence of the matter, but, on the contrary, serves as a good preface. Here is the essence of the matter: the first Christians lived in mutual love; love was expressed in the mutual sociability of the noble with the common, the rich with the poor. There were no poor people among them. The Church is a body, not just one member—the self has no place in it. The Church is the Body of Christ, that is, believers are His Body. What is idolatry? – Worship of the creature instead of the Creator. Are there idolaters among Christians?.. Quite a lot: almost everyone has idols; As many different addictions as there are idols: some have an addiction to a female idol, women are idols, and another has an addiction to a male idol - then idols; For some, idols are used for sweets; for others, idols are also used for outfits; for another, to his personality, to his advantages, these are idols; for another, to his own mind or to the human mind in general - that is an idol, that is, the human mind; For some, for some game, for example, for cards, it’s idols; for another, for billiards, it’s an idol; For others, the piano has an idol, since only secular songs are played on it; for another, a well-known branch of science with disdain for the main science - the law of God, the Gospel, the Church - is an idol; For others, to palaces, carriages, and places of entertainment - these are idols; For others, it’s idols for hunting animals or birds. Just like your earthly, physical life, man, is imperfect, weak, insignificant: you will be awake for several hours (or dozed off in your sins), and you need peace, long sleep in order to restore lost strength. Seek a life that does not age, that does not fade away. The altar is separated from the church as the earthly sky, in which the throne of God and the terrible Mysteries are performed, and so that priests praying for people and for themselves can cry for themselves and for others, for their own and human damnation, without being noticed. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness during the all-night vigil during the kathismas, when I reflected on my presence at the throne [and intercession] for people and about people entangled in countless and terrible sins. Take full care of your heart, or sincerity of the heart, the ability to sympathize with your neighbors in their joys or sorrows and, like a deadly poison, avoid coldness and indifference to various troubles, misfortunes, illnesses, and human needs, for in sympathy, especially in active, the love and kindness of a Christian is expressed, and in love - the whole law; and on the contrary, insensitivity expresses our pride, our anger, ill will and envy. So, pray for everyone for whom the Church orders you to pray or you yourself voluntarily pray, as for yourself, and do not weaken in sincerity, do not lose inner respect for the person or persons for whom you pray, do not allow the holy fire of love to go out, your light to be eclipsed; do not be discouraged by the machinations of the enemy, who is undermining your heart and trying to uproot love, breathing in a deadening cold, trying to instill disgust in your heart for everyone, and tear out from your lips a prayer for all people, which is the best proof of the Gospel love for your neighbors. So, always pray sincerely, willingly for all people, for the Tsar and for everyone who is in power, for the Holy Synod, for the archpastors, for the priesthood, the deaconry, the entire clergy, for the chamber and army and for all the laity - and this prayer, interceding with God for the good of everyone, will first of all bring good to your soul if you sincerely pray for everyone. Since love names its loved ones or those in power by name, then pronounce their names with love: the emperor, the empress, all royal persons. I sinned before God: I often insincerely prayed to God for the living and the dead, I did not use the sign of the cross in prayers and when blessing people with faith and love and the fear of God, I did not reverently read prayers to mothers in labor and prayers when performing the Sacraments and when giving farewell to the dead or sick. A truly pious Christian is ready to lose everything: property, space in the home, the comforts of life for the benefit of his neighbors, just so as not to lose the love and grace of God and peace with God, with conscience and with people. Take what is mine, just don’t touch me, my world, my feelings, don’t quarrel with me because of my good, because of my service to you, and I won’t touch you - this is how a Christian thinks, knowing that he needs little, and that most of all he needs love, holiness, truth and peace, without which he will not see the Lord [Heb. 12, 14], and that he will live forever with the Lord, but not forever with people and their untruths, with the blessings of this world. I don’t trust my prodigal, proud, proud, greedy heart, my prodigal, passionate flesh, I don’t fulfill its whims, I don’t listen to its flattering pleasures, I don’t fulfill her will, her desires, for I have experienced that all his passions are the destruction of soul and body, all fornications, all fears and fears of demons, all malice, envy, hard-heartedness, love of money and etc. I glorify You, the Lord who loves mankind, who saves me from my evils. Completely eradicate from my heart, O Lord, all malice and have mercy on my wife Elizabeth and her sister Anna, delivering them also from all malice; pacify our lives, Master Lord, and grant mutual kindness, compliance, and condescension to weaknesses. I thank the Lord, who accepted from me, unworthy, the service of the Liturgy of Basil the Great and who gave me abundant tears of tenderness and non-judgmental communion of the Life-giving Mysteries, and a word to the people with boldness and strength, the word of Levanda from the text: the ancient mimoidosha... was all new (2 Cor. 5:17), that is, about spiritual renewal. March 20, 1872 Resurrection of the 4th week of Lent by John Climacus. God! Leave from me the old charm of malice and let me be renewed with gentleness, quietness, meekness, humility, and patience. (At the great entrance, out of weakness of spirit, out of fear of the enemy, I did not pronounce the name of Empress Maria Alexandrovna: the enemy cooled my heart towards her, and for this reason my soul was heavy at the great entrance; I prayed for a long time to get rid of the inner thorn that had stung me; I knew that this concealment was the work of an envious enemy, an evil tormentor, an ill-wisher and a villain. Forward with all my heart reprimand using extreme effort.) And the distrustful, sometimes hostile attitude towards family, wife and Anna’s sister or Anna’s servant is also from the enemy. If in your sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna there is the poison of the devil’s wickedness, pride, malice, arrogance, then it is in you too - and both of you are mentally ill and pitiful and in need of God’s mercy, which would save you from these passions of the soul through the prayer of some righteous person. And pray for each other yourself so that you can be healed [Jas. 5, 16]. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy of His help to serve without stumbling in the church of His glory all this day, during the three daily services; I thank Him for His mercies shown to me in the forgiveness of my sins in thought, feeling, word and deed! Glory to Thee, my Grace! Love is higher than fasting. Therefore, do not be hostile to those who eat with you in your apartment and buy meager food with your money out of minor need or whim. Don’t pay attention to what your family, freeloaders and freeloaders who do nothing eat, eat. Let God judge them. Because of corruptible waste, do not destroy the imperishable treasure of your soul and love for God and neighbor. For a long time the enemy has been fighting against you through food and sweets, stealing from you, torturing you. Spit on his machinations and neglect food and drink. Keep love, peace, freedom of your soul. Mountain wise. For sixteen years the devil has been bothering me every day because of food, but it is not mine – it is God’s gift. And I don’t need it much. Yes, I have an incorruptible treasure: the Body and Blood of Christ. The earthly mess is nothing in comparison with this heavenly one: this is temporary - this is eternal. Take from me material food, sweet drinks, expensive clothes, money, my chambers and give me spiritual blessings: peace, silence, meekness, gentleness, communication with Christ in prayer, in the communion of His life-giving Mysteries, for this is the only thing I need, and the rest is subordinate, temporary, of little use. Today during Matins I experienced terrible mental agony as a result of yesterday's gluttony and satiation with sweet soup and drinking strong tea. The more you feast on and become satiated, the more powerful and painful agony you prepare for yourself and extreme wounds from invisible enemies. It was the same at the hours and mass and at compline. However, he performed mass without stumbling. I also read the prayer behind the pulpit successfully. I thank the Lord, who is patient with me. He sinned gravely before God after the standing of Mary of Egypt, becoming embittered and shouting at the beggars who persistently asked for alms another time, and because of five kopecks he almost killed the boy (I gave five kopecks, and he still asked me for five). Oh, love of money, unfriendliness, oh, gluttony! Oh envy, oh greed, insatiability, oh satiety! These are its consequences. God, turn me and have mercy on me. Yesterday, drinking tea with honey at Matryona Prokofievna Nazarova’s and eating a loaf of bread at home without tea, eating a hearty meal at dinner, extremely weakened my soul and made it susceptible to malice, fornication and other sins. During prayer at the customs office, the inspector had a storm of prodigal behavior from looking at the pretty little baby and the young woman holding the baby; in the church there is anger towards the sexton. What did you put it out with? - Through prayer and the thought that this is from the devil. Thursday of the 5th week. Standing of Mary of Egypt. He performed the Hours, Vespers and Presanctified Mass safely with God's help, under extreme cramped conditions and demonic stinging (sting). During the prayer behind the pulpit, I stumbled over the same forty days... I was confused and afraid of the ghosts of the evil one. And adults are like children when they are capricious. We must get along, please them, if this is not contrary to the law of God and is not harmful to them and to us, and they will calm down and submit. What is needed is humility, meekness, and kindness. Woe is it if both sides are proud, irritable, embittered. Then there will be a real war. I sinned today - I reproached the poor, I spoke to them with annoyance. After sweet tea in two houses (two and one glass), I ate at home with pleasure fried fish in vegetable oil and fish soup with ruffs - and soon my heart changed, it coarsened, became confused, combined with crampedness and heaviness, and became receptive to anger. Only a firm, prayerful gaze towards the Lord (at His image) healed my soul. March 29. 10 pm. You don't have to eat anything in the evening except some of the bun with tea. Tea through a strainer. Remember how often the Lady gave you tears of tenderness when reading Her canons, akathists, prayers, dogmatists, and always pray to Her with faith, zeal and hope in repentance; always be grateful to Her mercies, to Her all-powerful intercession, do not grow cold in your zeal. Why are we so proud, angry, irritable, envious, adulterous, money-loving, lazy, fearful, and murmuring? - From gluttony, delicacy, excess, in food and drink. It's an experience. He who fasts as he should conveniently avoids all these passions and is humane, kind, patient, benevolent, chaste, non-covetous, hardworking, courageous, generous, because his soul is pure, clear, reasonable and does not succumb to the impulses of passions, for reason, or the Holy Spirit Himself, controls his spiritual boat like a good helmsman. The Sovereign is the father of the fatherland, the living image of the King of kings, the Lord Jesus Christ, the benefactor of millions of people, the Orthodox son of the Church; one must pray for him a lot and diligently, for a heavy burden has been placed on him by God. If there are shortcomings in him, and all the more prominent the higher his throne, then who are we to condemn him? He himself will give an answer to God, the Terrible and common Judge of all, and especially the Judge of the kings of the earth, and not to us - but we will give an answer for ourselves. Yes, he is a weak man, like us, and not God. Be content and calm in the thought that you live and work not only for yourself, but also for your neighbors and relatives, and especially since you work for your enemies, who despise you and are sometimes despised by you. Leave your enmity with them, which you consider in some way just because they eat your bread for nothing, and love them as your own, who involuntarily owe you and cannot help but feel your benefits. Satisfying others with your goodness with hostility, involuntarily, is a painful task - it is better to do so willingly and with love. Until now you have not been deprived of anything for sixteen years - God will not deprive you in the future. How much do you need?.. A small cell, food, bread and water, decent clothes, and most importantly, love and peace with your neighbors, love for God - that’s all. Why are we fighting against each other? And if we die, we only need a few arshins of land. The devil, like a tormenting nightmare, constantly incites us to enmity against our neighbors, arousing in us an unnatural and reckless greed for money, for delicacies, drinks, for food in general and tormenting us with apprehension and fear that we may become poor and we will have nothing to eat, drink or what to wear. This is how he dries up love in hearts and supports or incites enmity. And most importantly, the spring of life is love. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you [Matt. 6, 33]. When we, with God's help, begin to sincerely destroy the work of the enemy - sin in ourselves and in people, as shepherds, teachers and priests, then the enemy begins to destroy the work of God in us and in people, begins to fight strongly against us by inciting passions or preventing us from glorifying God and His saints. I sinned that I was insincere and cold, indifferent to the farewell of Father Grigory Ivanovich Tsvetkov to Moscow - to his homeland. I did not do this in a human, Christian, or family way. God! grant me not to slumber for a minute, but to pursue and eradicate in myself by Your grace every sin - this is the devil's constant generation, regeneration, education, strengthening, that is, self-love, hard-heartedness, coldness towards one's neighbor, envy, pride, malice, covetousness, stinginess; this grave and deadly sin is gluttony, delicacy, satiety, fornication in thought, sight, touch, word and deed; despondency, cowardice, fear, despair, murmuring, blasphemy, etc. I am becoming, damned one, angrier and angrier, more vindictive, more vindictive, more unkind, more ill-willed and more malicious towards my subordinates and household, my parasites. Only warm repentance and the supplication of the Lord, His benevolence and mercy towards me, who am perishing, save me from the jaws of the hellish dragon, which is increasing every day to devour me. What kind of animal am I? My family is kind to me, but I am unkind and rude; they are warm towards me, but I am cold; they are cheerful, and I am gloomy; they are kind, and I am angry; they are benevolent, and I am unkind. How did so much evil grow in me? Why do I repay both good and evil with evil, if not in deed, then in feeling, appearance, and sometimes in word. Yes, if I could, I would do evil in deed! Oh, damned one! When will I change in the depths of my soul? When will I have a new, kind, meek, humble, kind, patient heart and a new spirit? When will wickedness, malice, greed, envy, fornication cease? When will I put all my hope in God? When will I not owe anything to God and people, just to love my neighbor, even if I am an enemy or a former enemy and an annoyancer and a scolder? Christ! You forgive me everything, the repentant one, why don’t I forgive? He who truly loves his neighbor does not spare anything for him: that is why we spare our property for our neighbors because we do not love them. And this is a sin. We don’t regret anything for ourselves – how can we spare them for them? For the sake of the Lord, let us preserve love and not spare for them, especially for those close to us (and Anna Konstantinovna is close), nothing of ours, and we will not be suspicious or stingy regarding them. John Levanda (1734 – 1814), archpriest of the Kiev St. Sophia Cathedral, famous preacher. Onepravdovati (Church Glav.) - unfairly accuse, slander. Manasseh, the king of the Jews, an apostate from true worship of God, was engaged in sorcery and idolatry. With his cruelty and persecution of the prophets, he became hated by both his subjects and posterity; The prophet Isaiah was martyred under him. God humbled him, he was captured by his enemies. His prayer of repentance in prison is placed at the end of the Second Book of Chronicles and is read at Great Compline. Springing (Church Slavic) – tension, shaking, convulsions. That is, by being reborn in the Sacrament of Baptism; birth (Church Slav.) – rebirth, rebirth. “The sons of men are deceitful in the wrong scales” (translation by P. Yungerov). Pokoliku (Church Slavic) – here in the meaning “since”. You might be interested in: