Февраль

Monday. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to boldly, calmly, smartly perform the Mystery of Baptism with the reading of all the prayers in the house of Timofey Aleksandr Moiseev on the tower. The godfather was Lieutenant Colonel Evfimy Ivanovich Kozmin, and the godmother was Alexandra Vasilievna Trapeznikova. I don’t need to eat meat at all: many times I have noticed that it is a surplus in my insides and is too nutritious for me, that it makes me angry and irritable, cowardly and timid in worship. This is how it happened yesterday: a beggar who ran up to me with a request after I gave it to them in the church, I kicked with extreme annoyance at him - what is this if not a fight in the street? I sinned before God and before people and before myself! Oh self-love, oh lust, greed, oh impatience! He served the late mass in the Duma with extreme physical weakness and, due to the connection between soul and body, spiritual weakness: there was no life-giving air in the church - it was all burnt out from human breath; could barely pronounce words. Last night I drank sweet tea, cream, porter, tea, and ate cheese; I thought it would be good, but it turned out bad: the less you drink, the better. I was stupid enough to smoke tobacco, and because of this, the scrofulous attacks in the insides and rheumatism in the left leg became especially intensified. There is absolutely no need to smoke. I read the prayer of thanksgiving at the prayer service in full; The person of the royal house said everything. The devil works in a person even in a dream, feeding and accelerating his passions and vices: pride, covetousness, lust and gluttony, fornication, enmity, irritability, laziness, etc., through presenting him with various seductive and fascinating pictures. It is known that in a dream a person often becomes excited, enraged, or rejoices at the occasion of a great and unexpected profit, or melts with pleasure, sitting at a rich table filled with delicacies, or seeing tempting pictures, etc. The material for dreams is mostly provided by the demon, and for those imbued with [piety] - the Guardian Angel. He sinned before God and people by pushing two beggars with anger when, after giving them 10 kopecks each, they again came to beg for clothes. I didn’t believe them, I thought they would drink, and especially since it was in the evening, when no one sells anything; I regretted the tuna received from the Lord. Don't blame me, Lord! Teach me in simplicity and kindness of heart, with good will, to give alms for blessing, and not for blasphemy. Father Archpriest meekly and impressively spoke to the drunken sexton Kutuzov yesterday morning. From such a boss I need to learn how to deal with the guilty and vicious, and my hot and bad temper needs to be curbed. I suddenly become completely indignant and seethe with anger. But man’s anger does not create God’s righteousness [Jas. 1, 20]. February 4. The Church, through its church and worship, affects the whole person, educates him completely: it affects his sight, hearing, smell, touch, taste, imagination, feeling, mind and will with the splendor of icons and the entire church, ringing, singing of singers, incense, kissing the Gospel, the cross and holy icons, holy prosphora, singing and mellifluous reading of scriptures. Our prayer must be deep, sincere, reasonable, fruitful, change our heart, direct the will to good, turning away from evil. Superficial prayer is hypocrisy, blasphemy, vain prayer. These people draw near to Me with their lips, and honor Me with their lips, but their heart is far from Me [Matt. 15, 8]. Give, and it will be given to you: good measure, shaken together, pressed and running over, will be poured into your lap [Lk. 6, 38]. The Lord fulfills these words on me. No matter how much I gave, the Lord always rewarded me generously for my giving. Glory to His unslumbering, righteous and all-good Providence. Forgive me for my stinginess and rage, Lord! What are you looking for: the treasures of the Holy Spirit or the treasures of this world? Incorruptibility or aphids? How fragrant the bones of saints are! What wonderful aromas of the power of the saints of God! What a great blessing it is to acquire the incorruptible, fragrant grace of the Holy Spirit and with it eternal life! Why are we chasing decay? Why have we loved the stench of sins and poisonous passions? God! in prayer to You for us we bring the saints, these spiritual incense, this myrrh of Your aromas! Accept their prayers fragrant with love and purity for us and deliver us from the stench of sin. For behold, our hearts are unclean and our lips are unclean, and we are unworthy of the sweetest conversation with You: everything in us is earthly, corruptible, nasty, evil! And they, Thy saints, are the purest myrrh, and most of all, Thy Most Pure Mother, Thy animated, luminous chamber, purest of solar lordships, most fragrant than all aromas, for heaven and earth are full of the fragrance of Her shrine, Her divine virtues. Eating the forbidden fruit still destroys me, for because of it I became a slave of the womb, a slave of the flesh, the world and the devil; because of him I clung to the earth, I loved the dust more than God, more than my immortal soul, more than my neighbor; I dream of finding my bliss, my life in the enjoyment of earthly blessings, in wealth, in expensive clothes and in magnificent chambers, and not in God, not in keeping His commandments. And for my superstition, for my delusion, how I suffer daily, leaving a source of living water, watering and gladdening the hearts of the faithful to God! And it is light, and warm, and at peace for me, when I turn my soul completely to the mental Sun, the Sun of Truth, Christ my God, - and the ice of my heart melts, uncleanness and aphids are taken away, darkness disappears, spiritual death runs away, heavenly life reigns - nothing earthly occupies me. Those who guard the sacrament of faith in a clear conscience (1 Tim. 3:9). The holy, divine, heavenly Christian faith requires a pure heart in order to have a beneficial effect on a person’s entire being, but it cannot dwell in an unclean heart and cannot produce beneficial changes in it if a person does not correct himself from his vices. This is why in Christianity there are many who are called, but few who are chosen [Matt. 20, 16; OK. 14, 24]. Many are called Christians, but not many actually are, not many create the fruits of the Kingdom of God, which is why in Christianity there are many atheists, freethinkers, superstitions, covetous people, sensualists, fornicators, drunkards, thieves, and so on. It is not faith that is to blame that Christians are like this, but those who bear the name of Christ are to blame for their inattention to faith and its rules, for their impurity and for their addiction to earthly things, according to which they cannot contain in their unclean heart the purest, heavenly treasure of the faith of Christ and perish at the very source of salvation. Woe to us, the ungrateful, malicious, worldly, vain, voluptuous and lazy. God! What should we do? Conquer us with Your mercy, Your love! By Your wisdom, abolish the wisdom of our flesh, and by the power of Your goodness, defeat our malice. Matins and early mass. I was a spiritual dead man today during Matins and Mass: fear, sorrow, cramped conditions, irritability, lifelessness of heart, weakness of voice; the soul that feeds extensively dies while alive (1 Tim. 5:6). This has been fulfilled and is being fulfilled for me. You are beautiful on the outside, but on the inside you are full of lawlessness [Matt. 23, 27 – 28], – that’s me. I turned my whole life into gluttony and pride. Where is the love for neighbors, for Christian souls redeemed by the honest Blood of the Lamb of God? - It's dried up. A terrible deadness in the soul. Opposite forces rage in the soul, as in a field. Gluttony, the bathhouse, and excess sleep devastated my soul; I have become all flesh. Therefore, start fasting immediately, leave out dairy and meat foods, sweets, soft breads, go to the bathhouse less often (once a month), read the Gospel and the writings of the Holy Fathers more often, pray at midnight. Talk with parishioners about redemption, abstinence, truth and judgment, and almsgiving. The reason for my extreme irritability is my intemperance. That I was satiated - proof of this was the belching and feeling of excess satiety and yesterday's belching [...]. I thank the Lord, who revived me through the communion of His life-giving Mysteries today, February 6, on Sunday after all the sorrows and terrible cramps. A portion of the Holy Lamb and three sips of the Most Pure Blood suddenly produced a beneficial, life-giving change in me! What a life-giving fire! What a world! What freedom, what boldness reigned in me, even though I was unworthy. Glory to You, Lord, who has mercy on me without number. I thought that You would reject me like the voluptuous and intemperate Esau, but behold, You blessed me like Jacob. I thank the Lord for a safe journey to the capital and for it and back to Kronstadt. I thank the Lord, who suffered even for my sins and did not destroy me with my iniquities. I saw, by the grace of God, the bride of my nephew, Konstantin Ivanovich Vetvenitsky, Olga Pavlovna. May God grant her mental and physical health. She is thin and thin, although pretty. May it be kind and simple, like the relationship between the Vetvenitskys and the Nesvitskys. I thank the Lord, who calls me, unworthy, indecent, to communion with the Lord in the Divine Mysteries of the Eucharist tomorrow. Cleanse me, Lord, and have mercy on me. Here I am before Your face! Soon begin fasting and prayer with contemplation of God and reading the Holy Scriptures; add to this every virtue: meekness, kindness, chastity, non-covetousness, patience, obedience, brotherly love, mercy and almsgiving, etc. Leave all fatty foods. I thank You, Lord, for You have humbled all those who ascend: my sister Anna, and me, a sinner, and Archpriest Paul, Archpriest Matthew, and our readers and our merchants, and our military officials. And You humble everyone in the power of Your strength, Your all-powerful Providence, Your all-embracing wisdom, Your endless power. Oh, may they know You, Lord, every one of them. This is my prayer to You, the God of my life. God! crush the stony hearts of the rich, incline them to compassion for your poor! Take their riches, these gifts of Thy bounties, and give them to Thy poor. Beat them when they do not want to feel Your blessings, Your bounty and in their madness they will consider Your gifts their property. No, Lord, they do not need as much as they have: their excess is the property of the poor. Here is the property of Archpriest Matthew, too, as it is great. For the first time, my back hurt at night from eating too much and eating fatty ducks. And I myself was somewhat heavy, like yesterday during Vespers or my afternoon nap. Do not eat meat or anything thick! (February 8, 1872) The St. Petersburg trip also affected my back, and the change in weather from cold and clear to warm and cloudy. Dream. A young man was swimming in the dock canal and, exhausted, began to drown, and none of the many spectators rushed to save him: either he would emerge up, or he would sink down; Finally, one high school student [Nikultsev] volunteered to save him, but while he was descending, the drowning man actually drowned and opened his mouth. Is this not an image of me, drowning in the sweets of this world? - Yes. God! if I have not yet completely died, then this is Your grace and mercy, but I am close to spiritual death. Fasting, fasting, grant me, Lord! What does it mean that it is often sung in the Church, Lord, have mercy? “This is the cry of a guilty person sentenced to death, asking for mercy from an irritated justice. We are all guilty of eternal damnation and eternal fire for our countless sins, and only the grace of Jesus Christ, interceding for us before the Heavenly Father, saves us from all punishment. This is the cry of one who repents and expresses a firm intention to correct himself and begin a new life befitting a Christian. This is the cry of a repentant sinner, who is ready to show mercy to others, as one who has been immeasurably pardoned and merciful by God, the Judge of his deeds. I thank the Lord for His immeasurable mercy - the cleansing of sins, the removal of sorrows and oppression and fear and the gift of peace, freedom, space, sanctification, boldness, renewal. During mass, I could not pronounce many words due to inner tightness. And cramped conditions come from overeating and overdrinking. During the proskomedia, my spirit was indignant because of the irregular shape and scarcity of the prosphoras; I fell to the throne many times, asking the Lord to tame my raging flesh and so that I would not pay attention to the form and substance of the prosphora, but to the essence of the matter, to peace and love with everyone. Our pickiness about all sorts of little things, about all sorts of insignificant irregularities in church and at home - is from the devil, who contrives and intensifies because of every trifle of everyday life to instill mutual enmity in us. For the sake of the love of Christ, we must be condescending to people in everything, with meekness we must admonish those who are opposed or who do something wrong, or who take something away from us, or who damage something that is ours. Pity for anything earthly and the spirit of enmity because of things are from the devil; a passionate desire for something material is also from the devil. (At home I find fault with my family, especially with my sister Anna Konstantinovna, my wife, and the servant Anyuta; in church - with the deacon, sexton, and watchman.) Crowding, sorrow, fear, inner powerlessness during the priestly service from satiety. Vision of Matrona Alexandrovna in Tikhvin and her maid regarding the ill priest Gregory: he stood before the miraculous icon, although he was not there, and appeared to be healthy. This is the miracle of the Queen of Heaven. Let's see what happens. This speaks both in favor of the kind and pious Matrona Alexandrovna and in favor of Father Gregory: apparently, he wanted to be in Tikhvin, although he could not. When you see and hear unjust attacks, anger and rage with curses at you from your family or neighbors, acquaintances, superiors or even subordinates, then know that the time has come for you for Christian or Evangelical wisdom - meekness, gentleness, patience, calm, silence, prayer for those who are angry and swearing, and not retribution with evil for evil, rage for rage, curses for swear word For this latter is characteristic only of those who do not know the Gospel of Christ. Is this how we act piously as Christians? Let everyone's conscience answer this. (I am the first, according to my curse, to do the wrong thing, and I did even today after writing this instruction to myself: I quarreled with my family. Reconcile, God!) Because my wife hit my brother Alexei on the cheeks, today I quarreled with her and with Anna Konstantinovna, saying that because of this latter there is always a quarrel and that she should leave our apartment for family peace. Cool and warmly considered. But it would be better for me to leave the matter of my wife and brother to themselves and not to get involved in it, in order to save both myself and them and Anna Konstantinovna from further trouble. I couldn’t restrain myself: forward science is to restrain the impulses of passions in every possible way and tame all your anger at the beginning, forcing yourself to act according to the Gospel, and not according to the attraction of your passions. Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who despitefully use you and persecute you [Matt. 5, 44]. Love is patient, merciful, love does not envy, love does not boast, is not proud... is not irritated... endures everything... covers everything... never fails (1 Cor. 13:4 - 8). There is also a proverb: where two people quarrel, don’t interfere with the third one. And I would have to do this. I sinned by insincerely greeting my sister Anna Konstantinovna; I frowned at her with annoyance and read Grigory Ivanovich’s letter to her with an extremely constricted heart, and then burst into bitter reproaches to my wife for beating my brother yesterday. Woe to me, that the peace of the home was disturbed and the whole house was raised by a storm! I forgot the bliss of the peacemakers, the meek, the hungry and thirsty for righteousness, the pure in heart, those who were exiled for the sake of righteousness [Matt. 5, 3 – 11]... In today's disagreement, I learned a lot of things that were hidden in the darkness: Gurnov broke up with me, according to Anna Konstantinovna, her husband allegedly also; that daddy, whom I supposedly laid in a coffin, was offended by me. Indeed, I was gloomy in front of him, and often, and once I offended him with a word, and he was upset, already sick: I repent of this before God and people. You can’t overread what she said in her hearts: she was jealous of her husband, that the archpriest praised him with a word, and spared her tea. Lord, have mercy! God! Remove this scourge from me, my sister Anna! In peace, let us part with her. Shut her lips, which constantly slander. Do not disgrace Your servant. Humble her spirit and my spirit, even if it has been exalted. No one offended me or reproached me as much as my younger sister by wife, Anna, and after her, Alexandra. That’s why they have heavy sorrows from God – and they don’t all humble themselves. Why do I myself want to punish those who sin—household or office subordinates? Leave the judgment over them to God, and pray for them with love and zeal. Drop your anger. Anna K.’s malicious tongue does not allow her to say that I’m sparing my wife money on a dress and driving her around in a black body, and that Matrona Alex will complain that Ivan Alex. Pesotsky told her that I spoke ill of her somewhere, and conveyed an unkind review of him to Grigory Ivanovich at the Dobronravin diocesan congress. God! We are all before You! I have a dissatisfied, spiteful, angry, stubborn, proud disposition, and I am a lot to blame for domestic troubles and quarrels. That’s why I get from my sister Anna both truth and untruth. I arranged for my wife’s sisters, provided them with everything - and everything was forgotten. Only reproaches and curses. God! Let them go, for they know not what they do [Lk. 23, 34]. I am guilty today of disturbing the peace through my grumpy, picky nature. Others were already called out by me for curses and hostility. Passion is hot, vague, thoughtless, evil, impetuous, and therefore a person in passion, for example in anger, says a lot of thoughtless, untrue, fictitious, evil things that he would not say in a calm state. Therefore, knowing from experience such properties of passions, firstly, do not speak when you are embarrassed or angry, and excuse hot and irritated people when they hurl curses and reproaches, unfair or just. I thank the Lord, who gave me peace after an internecine battle with my wife and sister over the wife’s beating of their brother Alexei on the cheeks. The swearing was angry and hot. All three were greatly indignant, wounded by the sharp arrows of enmity. The devil was triumphant. A lot of repentance, secret and open prayers were needed in order to bend the Lord to mercy and reconciliation of us. Finally, the Kingdom of Heaven is forced, raptured. The world is concluded. The warring hearts were tamed, humbled, and calmed down. The hands of the world are joined. Glory to Thee, Lord! From now on I will give little money, because all her actions or many of them are to spite me. She separates from me to her sister. But give me, Lord, the grace to love her, and You give her reason. February 9. I have a lot to blame against the Nesvitsky family, who was in my arms after my father gave up the place; I was often hostile to them due to the fact that they all lived on my support. Is the content mine? Is this my place? Was it not the father who deserved this place - a native of the local diocese and a clergyman? Wasn’t it their property that all the income was far from poor, not meager in the cathedral parish? I had to willingly and lovingly please everyone and not spare anyone anything, not look gloomily at anyone. For everything was their good. I am a stranger from another diocese, I worked for my own salvation. May they all forgive me. Early mass for my mother Theodora. Liturgy is the mystery of the union of God with people, the mystery of the deification of people, the mystery of God’s immeasurable mercy towards the human race, perishing in sins. He performed the Liturgy loudly; the voice was clear and sonorous, but the heart was weak, conveniently indignant, stuttering from Belial; I could not pronounce some words, for example, may the Lord God remember your priesthood as a diaconate... remember us, Lord... before the great entrance, when I prayed before the consecration of the Gifts, calling on the Holy Spirit. I thank the Lord for the wonderful and blissful state of spirit that the Lord gave me after receiving the Holy Mysteries. All our gloominess, troubles, enmities, strife, quarrels - because of food or sweets, because of clothes, housing, because of money, because of honor. Despise all these things as perishable and fleeting, look at God with the eyes of your heart and at future incorruptible and eternal blessings, and do not be indignant because of the deprivation of earthly goods or because of an insult to your honor, but rejoice; do not be embarrassed by the wild cry of passions in your heart and in your sides and be happy with everyone and everything. Leave everyone and everything to the will of God - He cares about us. I also thank the Lord for establishing silence after the storm in our hearts and souls, for driving away the tormentor Belial, who sowed strife and enmity in our family! They all turned out like silk: both the wife and Anna Konstantinovna. Grant, Lord, to live in love and harmony all the days of our lives. Do not be afraid of human judgment, but fear God’s judgment and beware of bringing this terrible judgment upon yourself. Part of the moral teachings of the Council of Nicaea from the acts of this Council, revealed by the scientist Eugene Reville 125. Here are two excerpts from them (from French newspapers): the first talks about mercy. There is no more serious sin before God than hatred, for it kills. Mercy washes away all sins, and hatred destroys all virtues. To be merciful means to do good to all people. He who does good to people who hate him becomes like God... Good deeds do not consist only in abundant alms. To perform them, sometimes a glass of cold water and bread is enough. Shame on the Christian who, having two clothes, forgets about the one who has neither. If in life we ​​have communication with each other, then how much stronger should it be before death! O man! Love your neighbor, for nothing delivers more accurately from punishment than mercy. How long will your life last on earth? – Don’t spend her in vanity. A wise man rejoices in one day, put to good use; on the contrary, a fool spends his life in one day, and then the end comes for him, and he sees that he has nothing. Second excerpt. Protect your eyes from useless glances, your tongue from slander, your ears from empty talk, your lips from terrible oaths. Let everyone strengthen in his heart compassion for his neighbor, let him try to keep the commandments and find time to visit the church of God for prayer, for if we do not visit the church of God, then how can we resist the temptations of the devil or keep the commandments? As for fulfilling the commandments that constitute your duty to the Church, you say: I am fasting. You do this in vain: your body is full of lusts, your heart is full of uncleanness, your tongue is busy slandering, your hands are splashed with blood, your feet run towards evil, your lips utter lies, your ears hear about shameful deeds. You love comedians, worship false preachers, even resort to sorcerers. You make friends with atheists and people who spend their time in celebrations. Your hand joins with the hand of the greedy oppressors - and after all this you say, I fast. February 11, 1872. From “Son of the Fatherland” (No. 33, February 8). I thank You, Lord my God, for in the evening of this day you accepted my repentance of my anger towards the beggar and had mercy on me, taking away sorrow and crampedness and giving me peace and space of heart. I cried out and roared before God in my bitterness, praying for the construction of a house for the poor, where they would work and through their labors obtain food and clothing for themselves. I am cowardly that I became very angry and agitated by the multitude of petitioners. I forgot that many petitioners and alms are prepared for me by many petitioners and intercessors for me before God and great mercy from God for me at the trial; I forgot that the Lord does not and has never abandoned me with His bounties. O cowardly and unfaithful! How could I not learn to hate instead of love when giving alms, and instead of alms and blessings, not to deserve punishment and curse from God for my lack of skill in giving alms! God! all my goodness is Yours! Forgive me my addiction to perishable property. You have given me a wonderful home, but the poor do not have it: they must pay for lodging for the night; I have warm clothes, but they don’t; I have a varied table and tea and coffee, but they don’t - they only have to buy bread to eat with water. Forgive me for inhumanity and hard-heartedness! But call, Lord of all, Lord of heaven and earth, all the smart, rich and noble in this city to public charity, so that its burden falls not on me alone, but on many! God! deal with me according to Thy mercy, according to Thy wisdom and according to Thy power, and likewise with the community that I serve. It is sorrow for me, but joy for others, and there is no equality in the hard-heartedness and delusion of the inhabitants of the city. We get angry with our enemies or those who are faulty in our service, we do not speak to them, we look askance at them or scold them, scold them, reproach us, and torment ourselves and them. But why don’t we pray for them in order to make our enemies well-wishers or the faulty ones operational? Will black become white from black? Can you correct evil with evil? Isn’t prayer for enemies or for those who are faulty in life and work really a sure way to correct them? Was it in vain that the Lord commanded to love enemies, bless scolders, and do good to those who hate [Matt. 5, 44 ]? Doesn’t our Creator, Lawgiver, Savior and Judge know infinitely better than us how to correct and improve our troubled life? Or do we think it’s better to fix our lives ourselves? Or have we not yet distorted it enough and turned everything upside down?.. Or are we still suffering a little from our tyranny and arbitrariness? If anyone wants to walk in the Lord and be with the Lord, let him deny himself, his heart prone to all sin and his evil will. Dellinger's Word 126: The number of non-Christians now amounts to two-thirds of the world's population. Eight hundred million souls are deprived of the light of the Christian religion (including the great cultural peoples of East Asia: the Hindus, the Chinese, the Japanese; the Indians in North and South America, the Negritos in Australia, the inhabitants of the islands of the southern ocean, the Hottentots 127 of South Africa). Between four hundred and five hundred million people profess Buddhism, which considers the absence of will and consciousness to be the highest goal to which a person should strive, and considers the greatest virtue to be the absence of desires, activity and thinking. [Brahmaism] is practiced by one hundred thirty to one hundred and forty million Hindus: here there is pantheism and idolatry (a cow is considered superior to a person belonging to a lower caste), here a pariah 128 can be killed with impunity. There are no human rights here. I thank the Lord, who took away sorrow and oppression from my soul through my prayer through the intercession and intercession of the Most Pure Mother of God, to whom I fervently prayed for mercy (in the morning at 10 o’clock). There is no need to be angry or angry: both morally and physically, anger kills not only those with whom we are angry, but most of all we, the angry ones. Many from February 12. Evening. I thank the Lord, who gave me abundant tears of tenderness and sincere, spiritual prayer for the people of the Lord throughout the all-night vigil. My soul melted from sweet, holy tenderness. How kind all the coming people of God were to my soul! How peaceful my soul was! Oh, I was all in God and God was all in me. But the weakness of the flesh also chilled me: my voice was weak, unclean, partly trembling, as if my chest or larynx were clogged. But this came from excess in food and drink - it weakens my organs, as well as makes my soul itself weak, like a cobweb, like a cane shaken by the wind; it, this excess, destroys this soul, making it a dwelling place for unclean spirits and all passions. Now I especially felt over me the infinite mercy and power of my God, like Lazarus, who was dead for four days, and who raised me from the dead, for I die in soul every time I eat and drink greedily and excessively and spend time without worship. Sincere prayer during divine services resurrects, [renews], strengthens my soul and my body itself. I become different during the divine service. Glory to the life-giving Comforter, the Holy Spirit, who quickens me through the grace of Christ my God. Oh, that the Lord would revive everyone like this, all those praying with me in church and all Orthodox Christians! How I would rejoice. Every person on earth is sick with the fever of sin, the blindness of sin, possessed by the rage of sin, and since sin primarily consists of anger and pride, then every person, as suffering from the disease of sin, must be treated with meek love - an important truth that we often forget; We often, very often act contrary to it: we add anger to anger with our embitterment, and we rebuff pride with pride. This is how evil grows with us, and does not decrease; it does not heal, but becomes more infected. Lord, have mercy on us! Have mercy on humanity! February 13. Sunday. Because of eating the forbidden fruit in paradise, humanity received a severe illness of the soul - an addiction to this short-term life, to the benefits and pleasures here. This is the all-destructive duality of the heart - between God and the world, good and evil. And since earthly blessings do not satiate the soul, created for the enjoyment of spiritual, eternal, infinite blessings, and they are not distributed evenly to everyone and, due to partiality and blind attachment to them, some capture a lot, while others have very little of them, and others do not have them at all - then from here comes eternal sin, enmity and death due to possession, hence the envy and hostility of individuals and peoples, hence bloody wars, hence the luxury of some and the extreme poverty of others, the satiety of some and the starvation of others, the harassment of prominent and rich places by some and the pressure of others, hence thefts, robberies, murders, all kinds of evil. This is what eating the forbidden fruit did - it caused so much evil that you couldn’t get rid of it. And if the Son of God had not incarnated and suffered and died for the sake of our salvation, then endless grief would have been for the entire human race, a joyless, indescribable grief, because everyone would have perished in sins and endless centuries would have begun to groan, gnashing their teeth in hell, without any hope of deliverance, just as now unrepentant sinners are doomed to the same eternal torment. I thank Thee, Lord, for the waves of Thy grace that revived, cleansed, and sweetened my soul during the all-night vigil, and grant the same to all [Thy] people, for they are better than me, but I am the worst of all, the vilest of all. Oh, verily, where sin abounds, grace abounds [Rom. 5, 20]. It shows on me. I thank You for washing me with tears of repentance. Do not alienate your in-laws from your heart, but bring them closer to your heart: because of them you have everything; may your love not be one-sided, only for your blood sisters and nephews; justice requires helping relatives on the wife’s side, feeding and warming them: let there be equality and let there be no resentment, exactly 129, Lord, take away pride and insolence from my sister-in-law Anna. Heal me, enlighten me: my heart is involuntarily indignant at the sight of a scolder, a reproacher. Humble her and grace her with meekness and humility, obedience, gratitude, and may I not hear from her such and so many curses with which she showered me. Forgive her and me for what has passed by, Lord! If it were not for the next week, not for daily repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries in the next week, I would have perished in my sins long ago. The [greatest] mercy of God is the regular services and celebration of the liturgy. The words of the Holy Scripture and the words of the Holy Church (prayers, etc.) are the Kingdom of God when accepted by faith, mind and heart of a person, but the incorporeal enemy continually strives to steal these words of the Kingdom from the [human] heart. Love, caress and warm your sister Anna K. and the baby like your own flesh and blood, and cut off from your heart the savagery of enmity inhaled by Belial. Remember: hatred is the most serious sin before God, for it kills. Love your enemies too. There is nothing safer than love, reasonable condescension, patience, meekness, and kindness. Resurrection. Late mass. I became terribly relaxed, disturbed in spirit and was in cramped conditions when I thought that the prosphyra were bad, sloppy and small, and for a long time I could not calm down. So I am weak in spirit and addicted to earthly things. And during the entire liturgy, the disembodied enemy pressed me extremely, pressing me to the ground, when I should have been all grief. Oh, cursed be my addiction to earthly decay: to the belly, to food, to clothing, to money, to the strong and rich people of this world or the beautiful, for it, this addiction of the heart to these goods, makes me myself a self-image or a soulless idol, fools me, plunges me into moral madness, stupidity, makes me dead in the heart, alien to grace. With an addiction to the world, like a bird with its wings cut off or like a prisoner with shackles, I cannot at all rise in spirit of grief; when there should be all grief - I crawl in cramped conditions and shame on the earth, deprived of freedom and life by my passions. I have been accustomed to being frightened since my youth, frightened in many ways, and now I cannot give up this bad habit of being afraid of shadows, rustling, crackling, knocking, screaming, creaking. But fear nothing, my soul, look at everything stoically. Alexander Egorovich Smirnov said it well: nothing and no one will surprise me, nothing will amaze me, even a minister, even a king. You will also remember Saint Basil the Great, how he behaved in the face of Emperor Valens, how he stood motionless in the church near the throne, as if not noticing the arrival of the emperor and his retinue in the church. I was extremely embarrassed today during Matins by the instant dissatisfaction with the prosphyra, which I remembered; but he repented that he had become addicted to them, and the Lord had mercy and gave peace to his soul. It is the devil who tempts, as he once did the Lord in the desert, saying: Command that these stones become bread [Matt. 4, 3]. Oh, how subtly, quickly, with what a whirlwind Belial attacks the soul! Beware - do not be double, but be entirely in God. What lofty, extensive objects of prayer of the Church (or the bishop, priest and deacon during the sacred service)! She prays for the salvation of the whole world, for each and every person separately. How a priest should be loving, impartial to earthly things, elevated, imperturbable, impartial: standing before the infinitely great God, he should not look at anyone’s face of the great of this world standing in the church, but consider them to be ordinary sinners and servants of the Lord, not embarrassed by their presence or their majestic and proud appearance and their brilliant, beautiful differences, for everything is little 130 there will be ashes. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to feel the life-giving fire in the communion of His life-giving Mysteries and to be cleansed, peaceful, and strengthened in soul and body. At the beginning of the liturgy, the flesh was again strongly enraged by the addiction to bread, or greed, because the prosphyra were very small and meager. From sour milk with sour cream, eaten at dinner the day before, a great mental illness, greed and bodily burden occurred. Lenten food is grace. After mass today at home I ate veal broth and veal, and a little liquid raw cream, and there was extreme tightness in my heart, and fornication flooded my already prodigal heart. In class (fifth) there is trouble with Shumov. I read about Saint Demetrius the myrrh-streamer. He called Shumov a pig. Never eat anything soon after communion. And anger towards someone, and a lustful feeling, and greed, and greed for food and drink and money, and pride (although all this happens for a moment) - all this is the devil. An evil person is the devil, just like a fornicator and a glutton without measure. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to partake of the most heavenly Holy Sacrament on this day and to be completely revived by it. He crowned two weddings after Vespers, with God’s help, without stumbling. Words: the seed of the woman will erase the head of the serpent [Gen. 3:15], accepted by faith, helped me a lot. This seed of the woman - Christ God - was in me, and it erased the head of the serpent in me. I praise the Lord and His power. I hope that he will erase it in the end. And at Pasynkov’s funeral service, the Lord erased the head of the serpent. All-night vigil at Nikolai Iv. served firmly, with a clear and ringing voice. In the cathedral, during Vespers and after, the doors in the narthex were open - the air in the church was freshened and it was easier to serve. There was no air at all. Lenten food, fish, as I notice, has a beneficial effect on the mood. And again I thank the Lord, who showed His indescribable mercy over me in granting me the strength to successfully complete the Divine Liturgy, especially after the great entrance; and at the great entrance I could not pronounce the names of the royal family: I hesitated and was confused from split thoughts, whether to say all the names or end up with the son of the heir, and from the intention to rush to the memorial service to Pasynkov - the enemy weakened me, confusing me. He served Vespers successfully, in a clear voice; baptized two babies smartly; He also served a memorial service. On the night of February 18, the Tsar appeared to me in a dream as a sincere friend to take advantage of some of my everyday services (in the thing itself, I think, this means prayer, for what service is there from a priest if not fervent prayer for the Tsar?) Matins. As I thought and assumed, this is what happened: an evil demon took me captive because of yesterday’s eating of meat, cheesecake (partially) and homemade bread; irritability, anger at the sexton, who did not know how to sing and was in an extreme hurry for the Great Friday and Great Saturday canon that happened that day. However, I confused the sexton by starting to sing this canon when he began another, familiar one, in voice. At night, avoid eating at all costs, especially meat. I don’t know why I bother about prosphyra: I hardly eat them myself, and if I do eat it, it’s rarely and very little, and prosphyra is not for satiation - there’s a house for that; Do I want to feed others, but again the prosphoras are not for this, but for the sanctification and health of people, and for this you need small prosphoras and a fairly small piece. And why should I please people and anger God by pleasing people? Sometimes I don’t know what I want and what I’m looking for. It’s just a diabolical dream, empty confusion, and enmity against one’s neighbor. Whose business is it? – Of course, not God’s, but the devil’s. Where there is satiety, there the devil nests in the belly and in the heart, there are his dirty tricks, intrigues, malice, envy, fornication, there is deprivation of divine help and grace. How many times have I experienced this? So today, from yesterday’s satiation (in the evening) with corned beef and bread with the addition of black bread. I sinned before God and before myself and before people! May I improve in the future. Damn, take your anger away from me: I don’t need it, it torments me. How calm it is to live in love and not be angry with anyone for any offense, and not remember evil, and not suspect anyone of evil intentions. How good it is to overcome evil with good - to do good to enemies or those who have offended us, or to lend favors to the poor. The disembodied enemy catches us when we meet each other in order to instantly throw the fire of enmity into our hearts. This happens when meeting those with whom there has already been a quarrel or trouble more than once, in order to thus support and inflate ungodly hostility and thereby separate people from God and His grace. We should consider it happiness to show our enemy or scolder affection, especially when he humbles himself, reconciles and curries our favor, and not be angry with him. For this latter is madness and causes sorrow and distress to the one who is offended and spiritual death. We must consider it happiness that our enemies and scolders oblige themselves to us, using our table, home, clothing or money, because this, willy-nilly, makes them our well-wishers, and if not so, then we have fulfilled our duty to the Lord and will not lose our reward from Him. We must consider it happiness to forgive offenses and have mercy on those who sin, in order to become like God in kindness, forgiving us countless sins and insults to His holiness, truth and greatness. We should consider it happiness to practice acts of love, forgiveness of insults, patience, mercy and almsgiving, patience, and forbearance. Let me turn all the insults, flaws 131, [eating] me into profit for myself, into an increase in love. Grant, Lord! For love is the only treasure. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly given me victory against invisible villains, when I wholeheartedly prayed to Him about this, namely: before the proskomedia in the Duma Church, before the royal memorial service in the Cathedral and during the liturgy and funeral service for K.M. Pasynkov in the Duma. The Lord raised me from the dead. I was in hellish troubles, in cramped conditions, embarrassment, sorrow, humiliation, despondency, all especially because of the offense against Anna Konstantinovna. Let love cover and [plant] everything. I need to talk openly with Sister Anna more often, so that the Lord will show her to me as kind and precious, just as the devil presents her to me as evil and worse than everyone else. Love is long-suffering (1 Cor. 13:4), that is, it endures all insults, faults, and ingratitude of people, knowing the common weakness and tendency toward sin; he knows that the Lord is patient with him more than anyone else, that the people with whom he lives together and with whom he meets in work or everyday affairs are patient with him, and therefore he is patient too. Love does not boast, is not proud... is not irritated... does not envy... endures everything... endures everything. Love never fails (1 Cor. 13:4 – 8). Always keep in mind this bright image of Christian love and follow it. May the Lord help: I ​​have a desire, but I don’t have the strength in the treasury of my spirit to do it. Carnal wisdom greatly harms me and hinders the cause of Christian virtue. Kill him, Lord. May carnal and material wisdom rest in me, O Lord. After Matins. I thank the Lord with all my heart for (double and) triple deliverance of me from the fierce, all-evil sting of the devil, especially against the reader Vasily Ivanovich Kutuzov, for his haste in reading. O absurd malice! Will you correct your brother's mistake, won't you plunge him into a new mistake, if he finds out that you are nesting in me, won't you confuse him? But you also outrage and oppress me, and you make me insane and without the strength for anything good, righteous, or holy. Leave me alone, you absurd, insane malice; it is extremely bad and painful and deadly to rely on you: you have pierced me, ulcerated me, killed me. I will lovingly pray to God, the Shepherd and Visitor of our souls, for every brother who sins, as well as for every sister, and I will patiently endure all mistakes, for it is human nature to sin, just as I myself often sin; man is weak and subject to countless falls. What faith and love for God and humanity should be filled with the heart of a priest who stands daily before the throne of God and brings before him prayers for the whole world! How he must be pure in heart, having no attachment to anything in the world, far from all anger, all malice, self-interest, envy, pride, partiality, cowardice, despondency, fear and carnal love. He must be heavenly, like Basil the Great or like the apostles, prophets and martyrs, like the venerable and God-bearing fathers of the Church, he must be one spirit with them, one spirit with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17). Yes, a priest should always be holy and exalted in spirit, as an Angel of the Lord Almighty, proclaiming His will to the people, as an intercessor before Him for people, as a performer of the Heavenly Mysteries, as a spiritual father, shepherd and judge, as a constant interlocutor with God, as His close friend - I will not hesitate to express myself in this way. One has only to delve into the spirit of the litanies and prayers, open and secret, read by the priest at all services, Sacraments and prayers, to see that the priest is the highest person on earth in terms of his rank (the responsibilities assigned to him are of extreme importance) and that he must correspond in his life to his rank - to be a servant of all, to live a common life, not worldly, but in spirit, participating in human needs, sorrows, pure joys, bringing pure, fiery prayers for everyone, leading everyone to the future life, confirming everyone in faith and virtue, correcting everyone, if possible, from unworthiness in life, and most of all himself. To love the invisible God, love the visible God - man, in the person of the poor, the unfortunate, your own, strangers, relatives and non-relatives, in the person of those who hate and offend. I myself wished that the sexton would not prolong the readings, but now I am indignant that he is reading and singing so quickly. I partake of the Divine Mysteries so often - and what do I need from earthly blessings? What sweets, what food and drink, what treasures, what clothes, what chambers? The Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood are for me sweetness, food and drink, an incorruptible life treasure, an incorruptible robe, my eternal home, my beautiful, eternal chamber, or my eternal church, in which I will abide forever and ever. The Lord forgives me, out of His mercy, so many sins - and how can I not forgive the offenses of others? God knows my many and fierce sins, my malice, envy, greed are known, my fornication in youth is known and my prodigal heart even to this day, my covetousness is known, the love of this world is known, my cowardice is known, partiality, servility, my dislike for some of my own is known, although sometimes, perhaps, for the sake of business, for pride, I do not love them. May the Lord have mercy on us all, may He make us good, merciful to each other, merciful, patient, impartial - and we will surrender ourselves and each other to the Lord God. I thank the Lord, who heard my intense prayer for help during the service of the cathedral liturgy and, after the violence, embarrassment of the enemy and cramped conditions, gave me freedom, peace and space of spirit before the liturgy; I thank the Lord, who again gave peace after it was broken by my conversation at the holy throne with my father, the archpriest, regarding the altar Gospel, and then again restored the broken peace when removing particles from the prosphora on the altar instead of the father of the archpriest during the last litany. Thank you for taking away the tightness and embarrassment and feeling of hostility towards Father Lamanov, who coldly and flatteringly accepted my brotherly kiss during Father Matthew’s sermon: the difference between kissing with Father Pavel Trachevsky and with me (I, however, am suspicious). During the cathedral service, he calmly pronounced out the names of the highest persons. I thank the Lord, who vouchsafed me to celebrate the All-Night Vigil in the Duma with sincere feeling and who has repeatedly demonstrated His saving power in me by taking away involuntary anger, sorrow, cramped conditions, and embarrassment. And upon arriving home, the enemy infected me with his hellish breath of malice, when I got rid of the beggars in haste and grief. Only prayer and kneeling saved me from outbursts of anger. I thank the Lord for this salvation. Anna Konstantinovna showed kind courtesy by taking from me [the metric certificates], signed by me, and taking the baptismal book to the kitchen. May the Lord have mercy on her and me and her husband. For the seventeenth year, Veliar has been tormenting me with a strange dissatisfaction with the female in-laws around me, with some strange impatience of them in my house, especially Anna Konstantinovna. Meanwhile, I am endowed with everything from the Lord! This is what addiction to the world means! Away with the blessings of this world - food, sweets, money, clothing, temporary housing! May my soul rest in God alone! May I live with everyone in love and harmony! Be gone villain Belial! God! hit him as he scorches me. Anna Konstantinovna lives with me in God’s house and in her own house: I have nothing of my own - all this earthly property was given to me for a time only, for use. But my apartment is large; three more people besides us can live in it comfortably. Let them live as long as necessary. My own possessions are soul and virtue: faith, hope, love; eternal inheritance is good deeds. And everything earthly is rubbish. When doing good, giving alms to strangers according to the flesh, one must do it especially to one’s own according to the flesh, not out of hope only for their appreciation, gratitude, love, but without any consideration in the future, even if they were enemies; that is goodness, mercy when we do good, give alms to such brothers and sisters who do not deserve good deeds due to their disposition towards us; do good for good, for the Person of the Lawgiver, and not according to your own calculations and views. Yesterday I sinned before God during the all-night vigil by showing partiality, paying special attention to Pasynkova’s brother, [a university student], a tall young man: nothing should amaze me, especially in God’s church, no one’s face, not even the king himself: before God all is dust, all is grass or cobwebs, and what is saddest of all is that all are vile sinners. How many earthly gifts do you need, man? – Very little; Why are you fighting like a fish against ice? Why are you worried, irritated, embittered, enduring certain losses, shortcomings, and expenses on your neighbors? - In vain. For your immortal soul, you really need a lot: you need to renounce yourself, your own [Lk. 14, 33], from your passions: self-love, pride and ambition, malice, lust, love of money, greed, envy, which have penetrated into all your members and brains, and in correcting yourself, especially exercise yourself all your life, and not notice with the intention of condemning the actions and lives of other people who have their own king in their head and heart and will give an answer to God for themselves. Just as light and warmth are inseparable from the sun, so should holiness, teaching, love, and mercy for everyone be inseparable from the face of a priest, for whose rank does he bear? - Christ's. Whom does he associate with so often? – Christ God Himself, His Body and Blood. Therefore, a priest must be the same in the spiritual world, in the circle of his flock, as the sun is in nature - he must be light for everyone, life-giving warmth, the soul of everyone. He who stares at his own face and considers external beauty, fading like a color, to be great, will stare at other people’s faces and value a person by his appearance, and not by his heart, and thus will fall into partiality, which is offensive to many, and move away from truth and righteousness. Man looks on his face, but God looks on his heart. By your priestly rank, by your frequent service of the liturgy and by your communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord, you are very close to the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God, to the apostles and all the saints, whose life is the same Lord; close in spirit to all pious Christians who have Christ God living in their hearts, and therefore deeply love holiness and truth, mercy, kindness, patience, impartiality to earthly goods, so as not to lose this blessed closeness, this most holy communion. Thoughts: man is united with God, one spirit becomes with Him! How great this is, indescribably! A person’s thoughts have an extremely strong influence on the state and disposition of his heart and actions. Therefore, in order for the heart to be pure, kind, calm, and the disposition of the will to be good and pious, one must purify one’s thoughts through prayer, reading the Holy Scriptures and the works of the Holy Fathers, and reflecting on corruption and the transience and disappearance of earthly pleasures. Yesterday's sweet tea, honey and wine at [...] and tea at home, cream, a bun - they annoyed my soul. At evening prayer I suffered from the tormentor who was in my womb, because of indignation at my wife for the omission of the divine service, and at night the seeds almost came out from the prodigal touch in a dream. Resurrection about the Last Judgment. I thank You, Lord, for You have strengthened my soul through a long and persistent struggle against the evil inclinations of my heart and with Belial, and You have granted me this day with a cheerful heart to perform the Divine Liturgy and without condemnation to partake of Your life-giving Mysteries, and to pronounce the word about the Last Judgment with boldness and much strength. Without fail, he pronounced all the names of the royal persons at the great entrance and the prayer behind the pulpit. He performed the Mystery of Baptism at the customs office with the inspector with great boldness and strength. For all this I thank the Lord. Forgive me, Lord, that I looked with a wicked eye at the egg whites poured into the cup and the pieces of lying meat left over from baby Rufina. Forgive me for being harsh and gloomy in my treatment of my sister Anna Konstantinovna and Anna Petrovna Fedorova. Help me, Lord, by all means to adhere to meekness and love, forbearance and patience. Because of perishable things, because of food, drink, money, premises, clothing and other things, do not violate the commandment of love. Is it not because of empty trifles that we ruin the commandment of God: love your neighbor as yourself [Matt. 19, 19 ]? You must remember the words of Scripture: If anyone does not care for his own, and especially for his family, he has renounced the faith and is worse than an infidel (1 Tim. 5:8), and provide all the help and affection within his power to his sister-in-law and her child, who has a sick priest husband. If you help strangers, how much more should you help your own. Justice requires that my wife also provide assistance to her blood relatives who are in need, just as I help my blood relatives. The wife is especially obliged to help her few relatives (Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova) because the place we occupy belonged to daddy, and he earned it with twenty years of service in the village and city of Gdov - I am an alien and unworthy, although, by the grace of God, I received a higher spiritual education. Out of a sinful, passionate, unclean conscience, out of pride, I take many things personally with resentment when my sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna says something ambiguously, as if getting into my sick heart scab. And she simply, without hesitation, says what she thinks, okay or not. I am willful, pretentious, proud, proud, greedy, stingy, envious, and that is why I do not get along with the unyielding Anna Konstantinovna, who cuts me without mercy with words, although, perhaps, in the truth. If I am a sincere person, then I should be pleased and grateful to her for telling me the unpleasant truth; no one sometimes speaks the truth as accurately as our enemies, and in a quarrel many truthful ones speak out along with unfair reproaches. Therefore, let us love our enemies as our doctors and put aside self-love. The Lord is my Shepherd, and I am not deprived of anything. Why do I often worry as if I am deprived of something? This is due to lack of faith and lack of hope and love for the Lord. God is my life and all contentment, and no one can deprive me of Him unless I myself, through inattention and carelessness, deprive Him. God is good, generous and merciful to everyone, and I must imitate His generosity and mercy, doing good and mercy to my neighbors out of a good and free disposition of my heart, even if my neighbors are my enemies. However, who is my enemy? I am my own enemy. Live on earth in your home with fear and pious care to give an account to the Judge, like a stranger and stranger. For God can deprive you of His gifts for ingratitude and evil behavior. Live as a steward and servant of all, and not as a master or master, serving the Lord and your neighbors with all humility. I thank the Lord for the gift of morning prayer, which pacified me and drove away the passionate movements of my heart. May I be every moment with God, and not with the world; It is good for me to cleave to God [Ps. 72, 28]. Almsgiving is the seed; if you want it to bear good and a hundredfold fruit, make this seed good, giving in simplicity and from a kind, merciful, compassionate heart; Yes, be sure that you do not lose so much or, better, do not lose at all, but gain infinitely more through perishable alms, if you give from a good heart, with faith in the Giver, and not from selfish or selfish views. Do me, your Lord, to show mercy to one of the least of these brothers of mine [Matt. 25, 40]. Remember these words of the Lord Himself. (I sinned before God by refusing one old beggar who came to me for the first time.) When giving alms, I sin against the Lord, and against my neighbor, and against myself in that sometimes I feel sorry not for my poor brothers, but for soulless money, this idol, this idol, the god of this age, which is corrupting my soul. God! Let this not happen, let me despise all self-interest, let me not commit adultery with the world. I thank the Lord, who saved me many times this morning from the confusion in my soul that came from carnal wisdom: during Matins I venerated with faith and hope the throne of God in the St. Peter’s chapel of St. Andrew’s Cathedral and was healed in spirit. In the Duma Church, before the proskomedia and during the proskomedia, my spirit was very much indignant at the thought of sexton Kutuzov, who did not come to me; I was in extreme distress, but I prayed earnestly to the Lord, reconciling myself in my heart with this brother, and the sorrow and distress disappeared. I performed the Liturgy without stumbling (except may the Lord God remember the Empress) and received communion into the peace and highest bliss of my soul. Glory to Thee, Lord! And when I came home, when I saw meat in the kitchen for Rufina’s child, I regretted that so much of it was being wasted due to the negligence of the family and the whims of the child. Isn't the Lord able to reward me? Is it not the Lord who, in the person of a child, accepts my services and shortcomings? And should I, a participant in Christ and heavenly, eternal life, feel sorry for earthly, perishable food? Should I be greedy? I must neglect all this, having within me Christ, the Hypostasis Life, endless. How should I thank God and pray to Him for my late father-in-law, for the sake of the fact that the Lord gave me such an honorable position as a priest in a city near the capital and financially secure! How should I benefit the needy from the family of my father-in-law, Father Constantine, whose place I occupy! Yes it will! You have no love, Maria Konstantinovna told me, so you will not spare the child Rufina, distracting your wife from him. In fact, looking at my impatience and resentment, at my rancor, I must admit that I have no love. So, from now on, in the name of my God, I will endure everything in silence. Help, Lord! Hitherto I have done the will of the flesh and the lust of the devil—from now on, grant me, O Lord, to do Your will alone. I have heard bad news and foreshadowings based on [the report] this day about Russia and about the Russians: about general debauchery and drunkenness, about debauchery and drunkenness even of the highest (I heard from Al. Andr. Bubnov); about the many taverns and dissolute houses both everywhere in the cities, and especially here in Kronstadt; that in every tavern you can find depraved women; that with the accession of the heir to the crown prince, both the Baltic region and the Polish provinces will go away from us; that our generals are almost all Germans and they will go over to the side of the Germans in case of war and they will beat us. Today in 7th grade I read the words, or conversations, of St. Basil the Great: “A conversation about how God is not the author of evil,” “About the angry,” and “About envy.” Great conversations! The wonderful power of words! May God remember what was said! Where is your humility and patience? - my wife told me when I began to remember and express the abusive, unrighteous words that Anna Konstantinovna said to me in anger. I admit the truth of these words: indeed, I do not have humility and patience. If anyone wants to follow Me, let him deny himself, that is, his passions - self-love, voluptuousness, ambition, love of money, pride, envy, anger, fornication, untruth, laziness, deception and other passions, all his property (part of his apartment for the benefit of his needy relatives), his peace to calm them, his property, his food, drink, his money - and It is coming for me [Matt. 16, 24], that is, let him spend time in fasting, prayer, and acts of mercy. Let him be meek, kind, humble in heart, patient, sorrow in vain, rejoicing in what is expected, despising what is visible. According to the mystery of the incarnation of the Son of God, all who believe in Him are His members, and everything good and evil done by them is imputed by the Lord as if it had been done to Him, caused to Himself - therefore, with fear and joy we must fulfill the commandment to love our neighbor, especially a Christian, rejecting our own wisdom, our malignant habits, our evil, or contemptuous, or carnal relationships towards him, for everything is in everything. Christ [Col. 3, 11 ]; to be content with little, to share with the poor according to one’s strength, and not beyond one’s strength, to be meek, humble, patient, chaste, non-covetous, compliant, and not offended. Delicacy, satiety and addiction to earthly goods terribly slow down the soul - it darkens, confuses, constrains, scorches, shames it, runs wild, arms it against God and people, makes it a misanthrope, not satisfied with anything, hungry for more, although the present is enough; makes a well-fed person hungry, a rich person poor, constantly thirsting for more, although there is nowhere to put what he has; He encourages the one who lives in spacious chambers to desire and seek the most spacious ones and, although he is spacious, forces him to displace even those who are according to the flesh, who live with him, not because the chambers are cramped, but because his heart is cramped, partial to earthly goods and not having true love for God and people. Reject demonic chimeras in your thoughts and in your heart and adhere to the truth of the Gospel, the path of Christ, love for God and neighbor, trust in the Lord and do not rely on life in excess of earthly blessings; do not be afraid of depriving them, like death: God will not leave you in earthly blessings (as He has not left you before), if He gives you infinitely greater heavenly blessings - His very Body and Blood, this true, eternal life, this incorruptible Food and Drink, this priceless, living treasure, this immortal, eternal glory of yours. I don’t know with what words of gratitude and feelings to thank the Lord, the Giver of Life and the Savior, for the mercies that I received from Him this day from the communion of His Holy Mysteries during the liturgy and after it, for that life after spiritual death, for that peace after the former confusion, for that space after cramped conditions, for that freedom after the severe captivity of Belial, for that joy after great sorrow and despondency, for that shrine after the incandescence of sin, for that boldness in God after sinful cowardice, for that softness of heart after its rudeness - in a word, for all those countless benefits, mental and physical, that I received after communion and consumption of the Holy Gifts. Not a single word will be enough to sing the miracles of the Holy Mysteries in me, the great mercies of God towards me: passions have ceased to confuse me, darken, torment, oppress, squeeze me; all infirmities disappeared, mental and physical health, peace, joy, freedom, silence reigned! I thank the Lord for repeatedly delivering me in the evening of this day from the excitement and confusion of passions. Glory to Your mercy and goodness, O Lord! The temptation of lewdness was close: a sacrifice had already been made (in a dream), but the Lord delivered: the power of the cross and the hour of the morning saved me - they woke me up. Glory to the power of Your cross, O Lord, by which, being protected with faith, I am saved from the temptations of uncleanness. We feed the dog - and it is faithful to us, keeps our house and our property strong. God has given and gives us everything out of love for us, so that we keep His commandments for our own good and bliss - and we do not keep them, we do not keep, so to speak, the Lord’s, and even our own property. What do we deserve for our inattention, negligence, for our ingratitude, laziness, absent-mindedness? Lord, help us and save us! Today, upon arriving at the church for the cathedral liturgy, I was embarrassed at the sight of the wood fires piled in the altar by the watchman Nikolai, and became embittered at him! O weakness of the soul! Oh, the speed of the enemy's attack! And how my soul and body were ignited by the poison of the serpent! Trouble, and that’s all! For a long time I fell to the throne in repentance that I had not preserved my love for my brother, and I almost received complete relief. Then, during mass, I felt an involuntary hostility towards my brother Father Matthew, which extremely embarrassed, stung and oppressed me, and intense, prolonged prayer was almost not strong enough to drive this hostility out of my soul; I prayed to the Lord with a great spiritual cry to put love for my brother into my heart and take away the malice that I do not want, and the crampedness and embarrassment barely left me, although not completely! He received communion well, read the prayer behind the pulpit vaguely, with significant omissions, in his soul there was confusion, powerlessness, fear from yesterday's satiety with pancakes and other things. Science - henceforth to abstain and not overeat. How long will the priest continue to worship idols?.. Shame! And the damp, although clear weather causes terrible nervousness, hypochondria! I sinned before God - with gloating and condemnation I listened to seductive stories about the highest persons: the highest are judged by the Supreme Being - God, not us; we don’t care... They will give an answer to the Judge, and we must know ourselves. Orthodox Christians! Live as befits the chosen flock of Christ, the verbal flock of Christ, the members of Christ, the members of His body and bones, the sons and daughters of God, the chosen race, the royal priesthood, the people of renewal (1 Pet. 2:9). You are a small flock compared to all Christians, especially to the whole world. Save yourself in Holy Orthodoxy, in the Holy Church. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform Matins and the Liturgy without stumbling, who has girded me with peace and strength; the voice was clear and ringing; there was embarrassment due to the sexton’s quick reading, but it was overcome by prayer of repentance; There was also confusion at the proskomedia when the particles were removed from the prosphora of the laity - against his will, he envied that the prosphoras were large and soft, and felt sorry for the prosphora maker so that she would not [...]! I feel sorry for one, I envy others, but for myself I wish the best and the chosen one and a lot. So, I think I do the same at home. This devilish feeling deeply confused and hurt me. I barely got rid of it through inner, intense prayer. This is what confuses the enemy at a time when I must put aside all worldly cares, when I must be all grief, in God, all heavenly love, heavenly desire and thought! The prosphyra are great and good – so what? and glory to God, glory to His bounties, that His blessings are not scanty for us sinners! It is better for them to offend me, rip me off, devour me, scold me, than for me to offend, rob, devour, scold me - may this never happen to me. After all, I eat the Lamb of God so often, I am united with Him in the most intimate way, but He spent all of Himself for me and was led to the slaughter. May my old man - all passions - be stabbed to death. Prepare for everything: if Sister Anna Konstantinovna remains in your apartment even after the first week of Lent, do not lose patience, but be patient with her - with your help you are doing good to your half-sisters and your other relatives. Give me, Lord, patience, simplicity, kindness, non-covetousness. Grant me to philosophize about things above as eternal, and to despise things above as perishing and disappearing. Addiction to earthly goods is the cause of various nitpicking towards a person, constant unrest, enmity, quarrels, and strife. Blessed is the one who tramples on everything earthly and values ​​only spiritual blessings: peace, righteousness, maintaining meekness, simplicity, gentleness, dispassion, non-covetousness, abstinence, cheerfulness of spirit, patience, always immersing his mind and heart in God and His truth. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of peace while reading the canon to the Archangels. Considering with spiritual eyes the qualities of my soul, as far as I can judge about them by the temptations that happen to me, I find that I am a low person, although sometimes, by the grace of God, I am exalted; So, I notice that I am angry, unloving, proud, envious, wayward, stubborn, greedy and voluptuous; money-loving, prodigal, nasty, indecent, impatient, irritable, sad, cowardly, unfaithful, fearful and cowardly; careless, rude, impudent, lazy, murmuring, blasphemous, deceitful; partial, people-pleasing, man-hating, unyielding, touchy, suspicious, tyrant; gourmet, indignant, cruel, irreverent, arrogant, humiliating others, and exalting himself in secret thoughts, malicious, unkind, crafty, sometimes feigned, ambitious. That's what a sinner I am! Is this how a priest should be, standing before the throne of the Almighty, bringing prayers to God for himself and for human ignorance and performing His Terrible Mysteries, proclaiming the will of God to people? If you want to live long and prosperously, do good with love and be content with little; conquer all passions. I thank the Lord, who saved me yesterday by the night by the salvation of His mercy (being picky with my wife because of an imaginary fault), when I prayed and praised Him with all my heart in sincere repentance. The sacrifice of praise will glorify... and there is a way in which I will show him My salvation 132 [Ps. 49, 23]. One secret feeling of our hostility pushes children away from us, for they run away from a person who is secretly hostile to them for some reason; How necessary, in relation to all people, to beware of even a momentary feeling of hostility! This is truly a devilish feeling. Anna Konstantinovna respectfully came up to Lent yesterday to ask for forgiveness and kissed my hand, and I kissed her on the lips. May the Lord have mercy on us and instill useful things in everyone. The Most Holy Mother of God incarnate, the Virgin Mary, stayed for three months with her aunt Elizabeth and then returned to Her home. And consider it a blessing to rest with you the womb-bearing mother, your sister by wife Anna Konstantinovna, and to caress her child like the Christ child. Do not listen to the enemy-tempter, who incites you to become embittered against your mother, although she is sometimes capricious and scolding, and know how to excuse the painful mood of the spirit and be forgiving of the infirmities of nature. I thank the Lord, who heard my strong heartfelt cry of repentance when I was going to the gymnasium, and the beggar, dissatisfied with my alms, persistently asked for more, and in frustration I pulled his hair (by which I wounded myself and angered the Lord) - He had mercy on me and gave me peace and life. Glory to You! Take away, O Lord, the turmoil from my house and rid 133 my servant - my sister, because of whom so much trouble, rumors, enmity, quarrels, resentment, both for the servants and for us. God! You led me into a feat - grant me to strive well as a feat: to endure grief, to endure unrest, to endure disorderly behavior, to have no enmity towards them, to have peace with everyone. Evening, 11 o'clock. I thank you, Lord, for the gift of peaceful and life-giving prayer together with my wife and for this, as you humbled my wife, who offended her servant, and inspired her to ask me to usually pray in the evening at night with her. Confirm, Lord, what has been done through prayer in our souls. And a spirit came into my sister Anna that would force her to completely leave my house: there was so much confusion and tears because of her in the servants’ house. Do not give free rein to your hostile feelings towards your neighbors, do not give free rein to your passions. I sinned before God and my family by disagreeing and quarreling over Anna Konstantinovna... But we must forgive offenses and not remember them, according to God’s word. After all, everything is enough for us, by God’s grace, why should we quarrel? Why drive a person out of home? And not just one, but three: a mother and two babies - one in the world, and the other in the womb! He pushed the beggar girl with anger: I have sinned, I repent. Do not imagine a lot of evil in your sister Anna Konstantinovna, remembering that there is more of it in you, but imagine various good qualities or sides in her and love her; do not imagine that maternal evil is rooted in her little Rufina, and do not consider the innocent baby guilty, for this is blasphemy against God; remember that he is a child of God, a saint, that a leader has been assigned to him - an Angel of God, who sees the face of our Heavenly Father [Matt. 18, 10]. If you notice real evil in your sister or in anyone, overcome it with kindness, gentleness, affection, service, mercy, and gifts. Justly blame yourself, your evil inclinations, your pride, your addiction to perishable goods in all cases of strife. The Lord tests you: do you truly love God in your neighbor and your neighbor in God, that is, with selflessness. Until now, you lived for several years alone with your wife, and now God has sent your wife’s married sister and child to you; you are somewhat embarrassed, you are warned against singing, loud steps, you have extra expenses, there is disorder in the house, your wife’s attention and hands are chained to the child, she left her affairs, left you - be patient, endure everything for the sake of God’s commandment, do not quarrel, do not murmur, do not scold, do not spare expenses, endure whims, squeaks, grumbling for the sake of God - behold woe, despise longer. Rancor serves as the basis and constant motivation for malice, so in every possible way throw this devilish leaven out of your heart. In such large and numerous chambers, is it really a little cramped for you? For love, what is tight is spacious, but for hostility, what is wide is narrow. Why? Because my heart is full of enmity. Hold on to love and drive out enmity from your heart. Woe to those who do not love their neighbor, for they become the church of the devil and the instrument of the leader of evil. It is good for those who love their neighbor, for in their hearts rests God, infinite Love, who through one love created everything and redeemed everyone and through one love for creatures bears, builds, and preserves everything. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance at noon, when I was going to the gymnasium and became irritated with the beggars; I thank the Lord for peace, freedom of spirit and speech in the gymnasium. I repent before the Lord for insulting the poor in the evening and for being stingy towards them: I did not give two or three of them for support when I could have given. I repent of insulting and annoying my wife and of disobedience and deliberate resistance when she, with annoyance and anger at me, demanded that the doors be locked and the fire put out so that the child could sleep. If I have hope of salvation from the Lord, if God’s love for mankind has not yet been defeated, not overcome (and I know this for sure, although the enemy brings despair) by my iniquities, my evil habits, then I humbly and irrevocably ask the Lord for my salvation and help against sin and in keeping His commandments. Amen. March 1, 1872 Wednesday of the 1st week of Lent. As if you were the only ones settled on earth [Isa. 5, 8], that you ask God to take this child to heaven from earth, so that it will not be corrupted on it from unreasonable upbringing... Try to keep every commandment of God earnestly [Ps. 118, 4]. Confusion and anger say: sin! Come, let us worship our God, the King; to Him every knee will worship [Phil. 2, 10]. For a perfect, holy, peaceful and sinless day, we ask the Lord! What a holy, heavenly request! How all the litanies and prayers are wise, holy, and perfect! If everyone diligently and sincerely went to church and prayed in the same way, then we would all be real, true Christians and the name of God would be hallowed in us, the Kingdom of God would come and His will, and not our enemy’s, would be fulfilled on earth. How can we live as Christians when we don’t go to church, we don’t want to stand in it with the proper heartfelt attention and reverence, when our prayer is not like a censer hot and fragrant in faith, zeal, hope and love, but like a cold stone. I thank the Lord, who saved me that night from the temptation of fornication: a living picture from the devil was already prepared, in the image of a virgin! My wife called me a beast, not a man, and rightly so, for I really do have animal properties: anger, rage, greed. After secret torture from the passions, after such torment from them, all that remains is to run with all your heart to Christ and serve Him in the church and everywhere with your whole being. How seductive, arrogant, and destructive is sin! There is no peace in my bones because of my sins [Ps. 37, 4 ]! Evil against another is truly evil towards oneself. Experienced truth. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance in the tightness of my heart out of anger at my wife, who yesterday called me words that were offensive to my vanity and pride! Döllinger Ignatius (1799 - 1890) - German church historian, theologian, one of the founders of the Old Catholics. The Hottentots are a people in southwestern and southern Africa. In the XVII – XVIII centuries. fought for independence with the Dutch and English colonialists, as a result of which they were almost exterminated and deprived of their lands. Pariah - in southern India, a person belonging to a lower caste (“parayan”) and therefore deprived of all rights. Tochiyu (Church Glorious) - only. Little by little (Church Glav.) - soon, in a short time. Flaw – loss, damage, loss. “The sacrifice of praise will glorify Me: and this is the way by which I will show him My salvation” (translation by P. Yungerov). Izheni (Church Slavic) – drive out. You might be interested in: