Январь

January 1, 1872 was an extremely difficult time for me from six o’clock in the morning until nine, that is, during Matins and early mass; the inside was filled with some kind of thorns; the chest was powerless, the voice was trembling, difficult, unclean, like that of a goat; irritability to the highest degree, suspicion of the malicious intent of everyone around me; the enemy’s dirty tricks in me are incessant, annoying, fierce scorching, hellish despondency. After communion, I was healed in spirit and body when I came home and rested for half an hour. Thank the Lord! He served prayers with boldness, freely, and feeling. The day before I attended the wake of Vasily Rodionov, who suddenly died without repentance; At home in the evening I drank quite a lot of tea with wine and sugar on top, drank sherry, drank cream, ate a bun with butter and thus clogged my stomach and heart. The weather changed from cold to warm; cloudy, snow. I thank the Lord, who, through His ineffable love for mankind, has enabled me to perform victoriously, although in the weakness of soul and body, the Divine Liturgy (hoarse voice) and to partake in the world of spiritual powers, in the purification and space of the soul and in the healing of the body of the Divine Mysteries (the hoarseness soon passed). Vespers was served cheerfully, without stumbling. I praise the strength and help of the Lord. From eating thick food (pie and fatty turkey) and cognac (spoons) boiled with sugar, my voice again became hoarse due to the cold weather. At Midnight Office I could barely speak, but at Matins my voice improved somewhat. He spoke the great litany with God’s help without stumbling. I read the canon myself. Sexton Kutuzov was not at the midnight office. Overslept. Glory and thanks to the Lord who was prosperous in everything, who gave me the strength not to be angry with the sexton during and after the service. Liturgy. He performed the liturgy with great moral and physical labor due to lack of voice, and the lack of voice was due to eating too much whitefish pie the night before. Terrible irritability towards the deacon and the watchman Nicholas, however hidden in itself and all the more painful; the deacon spat on the floor in the altar, and this irritated me terribly; he sang along during the singing of the sacrament, and this infuriated me to the point that I could not overcome the feelings of hostility towards him during communion and received communion in condemnation: the enemy’s sting of malice overcame and tormented me until the end of the mass and after it. I could barely repent and overcome him: extraordinary moral and physical weakness! The inside is definitely 117. The scrofula spread from the wheat cake to the extreme. I suffered for a long time, finally Divine mercy had mercy on me, and after consuming the Holy Gifts I calmed down. Glory to Thee, Lord! glory to your long-suffering! Vespers was also served in a hoarse and painful voice. The same irritability during and after Vespers; in front of the house he became irritated with the beggars and tore out two of them by the hair, especially a boy of about twelve. Today I gave the guy 1 ruble 25 kopecks for a saw. He promised to work hard and not bother me anymore. We are obliged to take care of the poor, because we all make up one Church, or one body, one house of God. The first Christians had everything in common [Acts. 2, 44]. The ancient Churches had large sums at their disposal, made up of donations from lay believers for the maintenance of the church and the poor. Must imitate. Christians must have fellowship according to the very concept of the Church. What will non-Christians who live with us in the same city say about us, seeing our beggars without shelter, without clothes and with nothing to do?.. Will they condemn us for cruelty and non-compliance with the rules of our faith? Will they not criticize our very faith? Now many people in many cities of Russia know from the newspaper [...] how great the poverty is in our city, and will they expect news of what we have done for our poor? How far does mercy penetrate the residents of the city of Kronstadt? To what extent does the Gospel of Christ the Savior have an effect on the hearts of its inhabitants? The night of January 4th I slept well: I didn’t eat anything at night, and I never should. Confirm, God! After abstaining from all food in the evening, serving the liturgy was easy and victory over invisible enemies was easy; he served the liturgy without stumbling; the enemy stung at first with a desire for soft prosphoras, but he repented, realized that this was vanity, and the sting left me - I calmed down and cheerfully completed the entire service, received communion in the peace of the soul and the health of the body. Glory to Thee, Lord! The water-blessing prayer service to the Iveron Mother of God was served cheerfully and unfailingly, with a living feeling and the strength of faith and hope. On January 5, I traveled with the Life-Giving Cross in the southern part; voice trembling, weak, painful, slight cough; I traveled around almost my entire unit. He served early mass, and before it a vigil; he served cheerfully, in good health, his voice was clear, sonorous, powerful; received communion into spiritual peace and freedom. Movement in the fresh air from one o'clock in the afternoon to 8 o'clock in the evening had a very beneficial effect on me; raw salmon also had a beneficial effect on me, grapes and tea with sherry. I thank the Lord for everything, who constantly benefits me both through weakness and illness and temptation and adversity, and through giving me mental and physical health, for through temptation, illness and adversity He heals and cleanses my soul, sickened by various passions and defiled by them. He slept well at night, upon awakening he coughed a little with a scrofulous cough and from excess food and drink; In the evening, out of hunger, I ate quite a lot of hazel grouse meat, then after the all-night vigil at Serebrennikov’s I drank tea with sugar pretzels and ate strawberry jam. I ate a little caviar, and at home I drank a glass of milk. I sinned against heaven and myself. In view of the fact that peaceful citizens of the city of Kronstadt do not have security at any time and in any place and robberies and murders are often [committed], I [... voice] about the need for a Workers' Home for the local poor townspeople. Famous citizens! Set up a Workhouse - it’s [very easy for you to do]. Ants make anthills, in which they feel warm and well-fed in winter, animals make lairs, bees make hives, birds make nests, people make houses, churches, theaters, bridges, railways, ships, armored ships, fortresses, etc. - every animal is given by God, the ability to satisfy itself, to protect itself from the harmful effects of the elements or from living enemies is embedded in its nature; and God endowed man, a God-like being, the king of visible creation, with reason, with the help of which he invented various sciences and arts, including the art of preparing bread and other food, clothing, making money, this all-powerful earthly lever, and building various buildings. Man was created for community, and if all the multitude of people should, according to the intention of God, constitute a single body, and separately members [Rom. 12, 5], then (for) prosperity and contentment and to satisfy the numerous needs of mankind, or human societies, the Wisdom of God gave to each person, in addition to the general ones, special talents, or abilities and skills: to another the art and power of managing people, to another - the art of teaching and edifying others, to another - to compose, and to another - to print what was composed, to another - the art of attacking the enemy, or defending [the fatherland], to another - the ability to conduct trade; this is to produce factory craftsmanship, some are to build buildings, and others are to tastefully clean and decorate them with comfort and live in them; to another he gave the talent to forge or cast, to another to wield an axe, chisel or saw, to another to sew boots, and to another - clothing, to another - to weave and spin, to another - to cook and bake. As for our Kronstadt society, it is so diverse that in it, by the grace of God, there are people of every kind, people of every trade, every skill or art: people of power, capital, at whose desire all sorts of things can be done, we have engineers, and architects, and carpenters, and carpenters, and stove makers, and roofers, and blacksmiths, and foundry workers, and tailors, and shoemakers, and bakers, and cookmasters. But the hand washes the hand and the finger washes the finger: the strong must bear the infirmities of the weak; With such a wealth of forces in our society, with such talent, with such a multitude and variety of skilled people, it would be extreme injustice on our part to leave so many of our members (I mean the poor philistines) cut off, isolated from the social body or from its well-being. Why not connect them with the social organism by building a room for them, giving each of them a job, especially since many of them are capable of various skills, and with the job giving them bread and everything they need? Again and again, I turn to society with the most humble request, as I pray to God, to pay active attention to the Kronstadt poor burghers who have been assigned to Kronstadt and do not have any settled place in it, to find them or make a common room for them and give each of them work corresponding to his strength, with which they could feed themselves. In the name of Christianity, in the name of philanthropy, humanism, I appeal: let us build a Workhouse for them to help these unfortunate people. Since, first of all, material assistance is needed here, I make the first initiative: I contribute to the brotherhood’s cash register [cross prin. take on the troubles of this matter] annually 50 rubles so as not to give to the beggars on the streets. Brethren! In the name of Christ and the Cross, I raise my voice: who else?.. Are we really going to give ants and bees priority over us?.. Brothers! Now many cities of Russia are aware of the Kronstadt poverty - they expect us to do something to disgust it - of course, not from it? How nice it would be to set up a House of Industriousness! Then many beggars could turn to this house with a demand to do this or that thing, this or that thing for a certain fee, and our townspeople would live and work and thank God and their benefactors! And many would rise morally. And if anyone didn’t want to work, get out of the city - Kronstadt is not a breeding ground for parasites. Others! Brethren! Take this statement to your heart, closer and deeper, as your own business! And the Russian people, [like] the Germans, and the English, and the French, and the Poles, and the Jews, and the Tatars, are a good people: if there was an initiative, they would not be averse to good deeds. If you don’t want to build a Workers’ House, because it is a punitive institution, whereas we should have it as a charitable institution, then change its name and instead of a Workers’ House, call it an anthill or a beekeeper – whatever you want, just don’t put off a good deed. Again, the Lord blessed me through the communion of His life-giving Mysteries, pacified me, revived me, cleansed me, sanctified me, and established me. But, as if by the envy of an enemy, I fell into strong temptation and embarrassment at home: smoke came into the room (hall), and I became very angry with my wife and Anna, the servant. On the way to the gymnasium, I internally repented and convinced, so to speak, begged the Lord to have mercy on me, a sinner, and to give me peace again, and - oh, most merciful Lord, You did not leave me in the snares of the enemy and in the bonds of sin, but broke the captivity of the falls and gave me peace. After Vespers, he insulted the beggars with the word: You stink! Is it not from me? Do not my passions emit a stench? I thank the Lord for His holy help in my service of Matins and Liturgy; Due to weakness of nerves, he served Matins with great difficulty; liturgy too; The disembodied enemy cruelly laughed at me, stinging me and almost constantly stinging my soul and body with desire for soft prosphyras and indignation at the prosphyras for being callous and not very attractive (My God! and here is gluttony and delicacy, and here is the lust of the eyes), although they were not callous and not ugly. Due to this temptation, at the great entrance, I could not be calm and pronounce the names of the royal family, because my heart was not completely occupied, and even seriously, with the subject of prayer, but with perishable bread, it grew cold towards God and neighbor! What enormous consequences does the ethereal villain achieve with such small, insignificant things, or with our addiction to substances! And how unreasonable and inconsistent we are in our Christian life, that we have not yet learned to despise our flesh and the things of this world in order to love God and our neighbor, his soul with all our hearts and build the salvation of souls! But I don’t even need prosphira: I hardly eat it, but give it to others. What's causing the storm? Equally, why did I raise a storm at home, getting angry with my wife after an afternoon nap for not making me tea? Is tea so essential that one cannot live without it, or is it more valuable than peace of mind and the grace of God? Why did I upset the Lord and the Holy Spirit who lives in me? Why did you insult your wife?.. You sinned against the Lord! And I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance and pacified my soul by giving me His grace and the Spirit of His grace. I thank the Lord, who has given me the strength to perform the all-night vigil without stumbling, with tenderness of heart! I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to serve the Liturgy without stumbling after the Great Entry and to partake without condemnation of the Life-Giving Mysteries for revival, purification, sanctification, and peace. Glory to You! So, because of the fuss and because of trifles, I got angry twice today, just as sometimes because of the smoke blown into the room, I also lose my temper! I repent before the Lord! I don’t want to be angry about anything in the future! God! Give me patience and don’t let me be tempted! Notice how patient your servant Anna is in her illness, and respect her and learn from her. The Lady Theotokos, the holy Angels and all the saints are as close to me when I call on them with a pure and whole heart, as my soul is close to me, and they hear me as comfortably as I hear myself, for all are one body, one spirit, one Church - Angels and men. Whatever relationship the members of the body have to each other, this is the relationship the members of the Church have to each other: they serve each other, help each other, support each other, save each other. I thank the Lord, who, out of His inexpressible love for mankind, has deigned this day to receive communion of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries during the liturgy I celebrated in the Duma Church, who has revived and pacified me. I thank the Lord for the Sunday liturgy on January 9 in the Duma Church and for the communion of His life-giving Mysteries. Oh, how often does the Lord vouchsafe me, unworthy, to partake of His life-giving Mysteries. Yes, remembering the fate of the earth, which drank in abundance the rain that descended on it [Heb. 6, 7] and remained barren. The earth, it is said, producing thorns and thistles is unprofitable and is close to a curse, the end of which is burning (Heb. 6:8). Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to receive the indescribably great Gift - His Most Pure Body and Blood during the early liturgy I performed; was dead and came to life, was lost and was found [Lk. 15, 24 ]; The Divine, Life-giving fire of the Holy Spirit spread throughout my insides. Glory to Your mercy, Lord! They say bad things about cathedral deacons: they serve very quickly - they twirl like nothing else - you can’t tell. Deacon Peter at the end of Epiphany, they say, served especially poorly: during the blessing of water it was impossible to make out anything. I shouldn't be in any hurry. The demon is chasing us all. Cursed is he who does the work of the Lord carelessly [Jer. 48, 10]. Cursed is the one who eats and drinks to his heart's content before serving the Sacrament. Gluttony and satiety eats away (I was at Verzin’s, ate part of the sweet pie and drank a glass), it corrupts me, it burdens me. Yesterday, having had a late lunch of meat and sour milk soup with sour cream, I lay down to rest and after resting (an hour) I drank tea with cream; then at 9 o’clock in the evening I ate salmon with vinegar and a little veal and drank tea again. Because of this, at night there was a temptation, a wet dream and desecration occurred from a dream that I was swimming in the sea, holding on to mats or sheets (at depth) with the student Shumov, I kept swinging in the water; Finally, I looked, the bottom appeared, the water was clear, there was sand, I left it to hold on and we began to move freely in the water. At this time, a wet dream occurred from the movement of the seeds. I'm always a fornicator! What a need for a post! And I am a glutton and indiscriminate or already too picky about food! I get angry when it’s not for me, I get angry when the air in the room is smoky or unclean! Effeminacy! The devil captivates and defeats a person in this world by excessively stimulating the natural mental and physical needs of a person, such as: the need for food and drink (and as he gets everything with money, he also gets money), the need for clothing, the need for pleasure or bliss, the need for sex, the need for honor or glory, a good name. All these and similar needs of man, invested by God in the very nature of man, the devil constantly perverts, taking them to extreme limits, sometimes without any need (for example, for food and drink), and thereby drowns both soul and body, tears the soul away from God through its attachment to the sensual or through its descent into sensuality and the passions of anger, pride, envy, despondency, laziness, gluttony, fornication, drunkenness, greed, ambition, etc. Therefore, we need fasting, virginity, non-covetousness, meekness, humility, kindness, faith, hope and love, prayer, contemplation of God. In what a high holy society does a Christian see himself in church, surrounded by the faces of holy saints and holy Angels - he is a member of the very Church to which these saints belong! What an incentive to moral change and to strive for the same ageless life that they also strove for - and achieved! By their fruits you will recognize them [Matt. 7, 16, 20]. On January 10, the Athonite monk Stefan visited me and he said a lot of instructive and edifying things in a conversation with me: he said almost everything, for example, that there is no need to caress the noble, rich and learned. In the Church we often hear: peace to all, and prayer for everyone with love: you feel that you are in the kingdom of peace and love, in the kingdom of holiness, in the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. The Old Testament history is an instruction and a lesson [...], instructive for kings, warriors, farmers, scientists, priests, rulers, military leaders, and learned nihilists. Every day sin weighs heavily on a person, every day it creates a storm in him. May he stand firmly on the rock of faith, humility, kindness, patience, and abstinence. February 19. It’s my own fault, I challenged my sister Anna K. Tsvetkova to stinging reproaches; without any reason on my part she never sarcastic me; on the contrary, she is always respectful and grateful; It is not she, but the devil who hurts me through her. May God forgive her. And through me the devil wounded her with some words of reproach. I thank the Lord for the new revival of me, dead in sins, for again I was honored to receive the fire of the Divine Body and Blood without burning into myself for purification, sanctification, pacification and strengthening of me, and I performed the liturgy without stumbling, although with a weak voice. The theater in Kronstadt burned down, and thank God! At 6 pm. It was as bright as day. I am extremely unskilled in keeping the commandment of love, in which is the whole law of the Gospel; I sat down to dinner at three o’clock in the afternoon, and, feeling that the fried fish was in quick oil, I became angry with my wife and began to angrily shout at her, demanding obedience, and the servant heard this, and the soldier of Sister Maria Konstantinovna from Lisiy Nos: she was sitting at the table with us. Is this how love behaves? She is long-suffering, not irritated, she covers everything; and I would have to endure and cover up my wife’s sin: I would be full with what I had besides the meager meal. No: while pleasing my belly, I became angry with my wife, because I did not like and did not like the frugal food. I have sinned to the Lord and I ask for forgiveness, I ask for the gift of heartfelt love, unchanging for my wife and for everyone. Δόσον Κύριε 118. Archpriest Slovtsov behaves with importance before the St. Petersburg Chief of Staff Heyden; honor to him for upholding the priesthood! I need to imitate him; I am obsequious, servile before my superiors, I am embarrassed, I don’t know why, by everyone’s presence when I serve; the same goes for the rich and learned. This is ridiculous. Get better. My heart is in a very, very bad state: I am indignant and angry because of nonsense and I blame it not on myself, but on others, for example, for not doing what they should do or what I want, or treating me with disdain, greeting me casually, etc. I need to suppress my anger by all means and preserve kindness like a treasure. I thank the Lord, who twice and quickly heard me, crying out to Him in the depths of my heart for forgiveness, salvation and help before the memorial service in the 1st naval crew and in Kasatkin’s house at Polyakov’s, when sin embarrassed and oppressed me. The Lord had mercy and gave peace and silence of heart, and I unfalteringly spoke litanies and exclamations during the requiem service. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the early Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation, into the world of my spiritual strength. In the evening I went with sexton Kutuzov to the mountain to Tilot (a German) to serve a prayer service on foot, and he and I had just come from dinner. He was apparently offended that I made him walk so far, and at the prayer service he behaved angrily and rudely; After the prayer service, he got into a cab and drove away alone. I met him in a shop, drinking tea; When I entered, I didn’t get up and sat with my hat on. I embarrassedly remarked to him about his indecent behavior in the presence of his priest and called him a peasant. Forgive me, Lord, my grief! We need to bring some sense into them, the depraved ones. It is a sin to be angry with them: a sinner is sick. Who among us is not a sinner? Who is not spiritually sick? Iya is the first. Selfishness aside. Do you maintain love, meekness and kindness towards a brother (for example, a subordinate) who sins when you rebuke him or reprimand him? I sinned - I don’t keep it, but I often harbor anger towards him. Theatergoers! You ask Barabbas for your life and demand the death of Christ. That's true. Busy with vanity and vain pleasures, you have neither the time nor the desire to delve into the spirit of the Christian faith, Christian worship, to learn the church rules, the purpose of the holidays of the Orthodox Church, fasting and, in particular, the meaning of each week of Lent or the historical memories associated with each week. You sometimes know by heart what play was played at the theater, how many actions or phenomena it consists of, what its general and particular content is, but you do not know the essence of the Christian Sacraments, while they deliver eternal life and the ineffable benefits of eternal life to those who worthily receive them; you do not know the essence of the worship of the Holy Orthodox Church, your Mother, who nourishes and warms, cleanses, sanctifies and strengthens you in her holy maternal bosom; you do not know the content and meaning of either the evening, morning, or lunch services and the everlasting chants, readings and rituals thereof. They justify playing at the theater and call it useful and moralizing, or harmless, or at least a lesser evil in comparison with drunkenness and debauchery, and for this purpose they try to start theatrical games everywhere. It is an amazing thing that Christians have not found a better means for spending precious time, like theater, both in origin and in purpose, which has hitherto retained a pagan, idolatrous character, a character of vanity, emptiness, generally showing in itself the fullest reflection of all the passions and ugliness of this world: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life (1 John. 2, 16), and only rarely, rarely - the valor of the sons of the fatherland, and then, of course, the sons of the earthly fatherland, and not the heavenly: everything heavenly, holy, bearing the stamp of Christianity, is alien to the theater, - if when it enters the stage, then as an object of ridicule; the very name of God, terrible for all creation, is pronounced here only frivolously, sometimes with laughter, blasphemously; sacred titles, for example, monastic - this is an angelic title - are ridiculed; respect for superiors, for sacred persons, is undermined when certain reprehensible actions of these persons are publicly ridiculed in the face of the whole society, in the face of frivolous youth, even children, for whom the names of their parents and superiors should be sacred: sometimes one disrespectful or obscene word regarding elders is enough to undermine due respect for them. Have Christians become so frivolous that they do not find a better way to spend their precious time than the theater, and because of it they leave the church of God, worship, and the golden holiday time, given by God for teaching in the word of God, in saving reflections and in works of virtue, is madly squandered on empty deeds, on laughter and stupid applause in theaters? No, whatever you want, the theater is a godless institution: just delve into its spirit and you will agree with me. This is a school of unbelief, mockery, impudent mockery of everything and debauchery. Woe to that society which has many theaters and which loves to go to theatres. Sometimes, I don’t argue, theater can be a lesser evil for those who love evil, but in most cases it is a great evil, undermining everything good in a person and bringing evil into his heart through a wide door. Listen to the opinion of the people, to the opinion of those who have visited the theater many times: they do not hesitate to say that the theater leads to debauchery. Only the blind, whose minds have been blinded by the god of this age (2 Cor. 4:4), say that theater is moralizing. No, Christians must absolutely study the law of God, read the Gospel more often, delve into divine services, fulfill the commandments and statutes of the church, read the writings of the holy fathers, spiritual journals in order to be imbued with the Christian spirit and live like a Christian. Here are the spectacles for you! We must have faith in ourselves and not fall in our own eyes, and even more so, faith in the power and grace of God, our helper on the path of life. Being upset with my wife, I could not pray peacefully with her at evening prayer, but anger depressed me. I am angry with my wife because she rarely, rarely goes to church - this is what the evil demon has turned into an excuse for hatred! And I see that my wife, although she rarely goes to church, is imbued with love for me and for my sister and her child, she is more pleasing to God than I am; I, on the contrary, with my enmity am contrary to God, for hatred of all evils is the most contrary to God, Who is love, and he who abides in love abides in God (1 John 4:16). Given this enmity, what do all my prayers, frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries, all the performance of other Sacraments mean? Am I committing them into sin and condemnation? Oh, how necessary it is for me to acquire the love of the Gospel! I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me this day to celebrate the Divine Liturgy and to partake of the revitalization of my soul, deadened by sin, to peace and spiritual freedom, to the space of the soul. I thank the Lord, who took away my confusion, my tightness, the goring thorns in my side. I will thank the Lord if He humbles both Hierodeacon Peter and Reader Vasily Kutuzov and gives them the goodness to serve and obey in righteous things and honor God’s priesthood according to their heritage, and grants them His constant fear. I thank the Lord, who humanely and quickly saved me from the unclean and shameful sting of carnal pleasure, firstly, in the 5th grade of the gymnasium with the answer of the student Shumov, and, secondly, in Leopardov’s apartment during a conversation with his wife Ekaterina Stepanovna. As soon as I raised my heart’s eyes with prayer for intercession and salvation, I immediately received personally from the Lord, Whom I saw with the eye of my heart, help and deliverance; the unclean one ran away in shame. That day I felt very healthy and cheerful. (Day of fasting: in the morning after early mass, I drank tea with small prosperous bread from the Assumption Church; then, before going to class, I ate boiled cod with black bread. It’s healthy to eat cod.) In class I read with enthusiasm and calmness, calmness and spiritual space. The children were attentive. Again, I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of His life-giving Mysteries without condemnation. Filled with peace, sweetness, joy, freedom, boldness, strength. And he spoke freely to the empress and the prayer behind the pulpit. The flesh does not want to pray, but wants to do empty things, such as: walking, eating and drinking, sleeping; the spirit, on the contrary, desires to pray unceasingly, for prayer is its food, drink, breath, cleansing, sanctification, light, strength, pleasure. The flesh wants to enrich itself, to use all the wealth for itself, to turn it into its own benefit and pleasure: into a rich table, into a rich room, into rich clothes, furnishings in the home, into various entertainments; the spirit, on the contrary, strives for poverty, tries to give away its property to the poor, while it itself is content with simple food, poor accommodation, unsophisticated clothing, and moves away from entertainment and pleasure, knowing that they dissipate the soul. The flesh constantly strives for anger towards others, for envy, condemnation, quarrel, irritability, for pride, stinginess, laziness, gluttony, fornication, unbelief, doubt, deceit, blasphemy, for despondency and despair, for waywardness, disobedience; the spirit, on the contrary, strives to love all its neighbors, is kind to everyone, condescends to everyone, forgives everyone, tries to live in peace with everyone, if possible, treats everyone meekly and humbly; if he has surpluses, then he does not regret giving to anyone in need what is necessary for life; always tries to live in work, knowing that all vices arise from idleness; eats and drinks not out of whim and addiction, but only to satisfy necessary needs and strengthen strength, knowing that excess in food and drink suppresses the spirit and makes a person’s heart rude, cold and insensitive to God and to his salvation; moves away from all impurity, trying to draw closer to the Most Pure God with purity of soul and body; tries more and more to assert his faith in divine affairs and show it in deeds of love and mercy; doubts, like an evil worm, are removed; tries to live in simplicity, despising wickedness as a shameful slavery, deeply honors everything sacred and divine, as befits a shrine, constantly trusts in God in all circumstances, prosperous and ill-fated; he considers the will of God to be an indispensable law for himself, but he despises and tramples on his own sinful will; willingly obeys his superiors, fathers, shepherds and teachers. The spirit and the flesh are so opposed in us, they constantly oppose each other [Gal. 5, 17], and we must constantly fight with ourselves, defeating our sins that fight us. The flesh seeks earthly glory, the spirit seeks heavenly glory, the flesh desires and dreams of living on earth in all contentment and prosperity, peace, for a long time, without end; the spirit desires to quickly detach itself from the body and be with Christ [Phil. 1, 23 ] - True Life, but is bored with earthly life as if he were in prison and chains. No attachment to worldly things remains without consequences for our soul - it turns into disastrous nets or heavy bonds for it (for example, passion for games, for sweets, for wine, for tobacco or for clothes, for money), it takes possession of all the powers of the soul and perverts its nature, which tends to love God above all else and one's neighbor as oneself; Those who are partial to the goods of the world cannot love God above all else and their neighbor as themselves: they become selfish, proud, stingy, envious, money-loving, vain, prodigal, etc. This is why the Gospel law requires self-sacrifice from Christians: turn away from yourself [Matt. 16, 24]. How long will all earthly things occupy us? One minute - and everything will be taken away from us. The passions of life especially rage over us at the hour of approaching God (for example, during confession, communion of the Holy Mysteries, or at death). To avoid this tyranny, you must leave everything in advance with your heart and will to distribute wealth to the poor. How exalted is our nature in the person of the God-man, the Mother of God and the holy apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, our reverend and God-bearing fathers and all the saints! - Either above Cherubim and Seraphim, then awarded angelic honor and angelic rank! Christians! Wake up from the sleep of sin, the vanity of life! Strive for the honor of a mountain title! Resurrection. Early mass with matins. Due to a clogged chest, probably due to scrofulous flushes, it was difficult to serve Matins, Mass, and especially the Holy Moleben: there was little air in the chest, there was no hum. A new obstacle to peaceful service: during the censing, it was a pity for the new, or festive kamilavka, and the heart was paralyzed, dying from the impoverishment of grace, growing cold, darkened, and confused. But what do I regret? Maybe tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, in a week, in a month I will be gone: the kamilavki will remain new - who will have them? And does the smoke only settle on the kamilavka and not spread throughout the church? What blindness and lack of judgment! This is the property (of unreasonableness) of any passion or addiction! So it was a pity for the pectoral cross, so that it would not smoke from the censer! Wear it - your age will be bright. And wear kamilavki boldly - it will last for your lifetime. And even at seven years old she’s still new. And most importantly, do not have an addiction to any beautiful clothes - they are rubbish, decay. God! I thank You for my frequent communion with God in Your Divine Mysteries! I thank you for not rejecting me, a sinner, but graciously accepting the repentant, tearful one, cleansing, sanctifying, life-giving, pacifying and delighting. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord! God! Let me be a new creature! Grant me always to receive communion of Your Holy Mysteries in a worthy manner. January 17, 1872. Monday. Every day we are satiated, drunk, dressed up, resting in spacious, richly decorated chambers - and we think that we are using all this worthily, that we have earned all this from God. And we talk downwards about the beggars: they are parasites, lazy people - aren’t we parasites and lazy people? The tangled 119 branch is an image of the Trinitarian Deity. I often serve unworthily and insincerely. I do not have Christian love for God and neighbor: I am partial to food, food, money, and clothing; You must certainly deny yourself, hate yourself, break away from carnal wisdom and be a servant to everyone, be meek, humble, and kind. To love God with all your heart means to love Him alone most of all every day and all the days of your life, unchangeably, always keeping His commandments unchangeably and sacrificing all earthly blessings to preserve them. So the Lord, having loved those who were in the world, loved them to the end [Jn. 13, 1 ], and not just for a while. To love God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your strength, and with all your mind [Mk. 12, 33] - means to pronounce the words of prayer and especially the all-holy name of God, the Most Pure Mother of God and all the saints sincerely, with all your heart, with all your thoughts inseparably. The saints are the dwellings of the Holy Spirit, they are the Holy Spirit, for he who is united with the Lord is one spirit with the Lord (1 Cor. 6:17). This is what explains their insight, their amazing miracles that they create in the world! The Holy Spirit does this through them. Therefore, the saints are worthy of all respect, reverence, and honor; It is worthy to call them into intercessors for our salvation, it is worthy to glorify them. Sunday. God! grant me to firmly hold my reins and the reins of the flock entrusted to me by You: may we all live according to Your will; subdue those who oppose me by the power of Your Holy Spirit (enemies visible and invisible). Gluttony drowns the soul, or Belial conveniently drowns the soul of a person who works with the belly. Example: drunkards, overeaters. Early liturgy from the Murashovs. Weakness of spirit and physical nervousness to the highest degree; at the proskomedia and at the liturgy itself I could not pronounce many words; I was in the bonds of Belial, stripped of the blessed garment, the girdle of power from on high, and this was for my dispersion, for my going to St. Petersburg without a purpose, for a walk, for permission to eat a meal during Lent, for excess in wine (Lissab. by Father John A. Vetvenitsky). This was influenced by Peter's driving, and the weather was too snowy and warm with melting. I scattered the grace of God through my scattering, I squandered God's spiritual gift in gluttony, idleness and laughter. This evening, when I walked from the gymnasium, I was overwhelmed by bad thoughts and carnal movements; through inner prayer he tamed them and freed himself from them. This morning also with the memory of Ekaterina Al. Ratch came to his head and disturbed his soul, but with prayer he immediately extinguished the fire. God bless! (And don’t be embarrassed in church.) My brother-in-law Pesotsky rightly remarked to me that I lose heart in church during the service, that I should not be indignant, but when an enemy attacks, remain as calm as I was before the attack, and not succumb to him, just as I do not succumb to the inspiration of bad thoughts. The spirit must be strengthened by fasting and prayer. Constant reading of secular [books] for fun and pleasure is constant absent-mindedness, constant exposure to God's grace, constant impoverishment of the spirit; on the contrary, reading the Holy Scriptures and other sacred books, as well as prayer and meditation on God, is the concentration of the spirit in itself, the robe of grace, the enrichment of the spirit. Experience. I sinned before God - I cursed myself out of impatience in the altar before Vespers due to extreme pain in my left leg. Early mass. I felt very unwell; relaxation of spirit and body due to a treat last night from Father Peter Preobrazhensky, priest of the Sturmansky School; the temptations were strong - I was completely tied up; when serving, he cried out from effort or from the violence of the enemy, that is, he spoke very loudly. He pronounced the names of the empress and other members of the royal house. I was annoyed with the sexton for singing too quickly and not letting me read out the secret verb prayers. At lunch I sinned: I ate pancakes, being full without them. This is why there is terrible pain in the legs, especially during Vespers and after Vespers; I screamed in pain. All-night Sunday service. I thank the Lord, who gives prayer to those who pray (1 Samuel 2:9), for giving me peace of mind, tears of tenderness and exalted prayer throughout the all-night vigil; I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform this service without stumbling. Oh, how good, how sweet it is to be with God and in God! Glory to the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, who gives sweet sorrow for sins and heavenly, supreme consolation! Oh, may fiery prayer in the church be the common property of everyone in it. It is not easy to obtain, but let us cherish it all the more, for it is a priceless gift of God, it unites God with man. One must pray unceasingly (1 Thess. 5:17), because sincere, fervent prayer consumes sins; if we do not pray, but remain idle, then sins will increase, intensify, and their thorns will choke out the wheat of goodness. There is deep truth in all the words of our Savior, depicting the state of our spirit in various parables - for example, the parable of the sower and the seed, of the good seed and the tares, of building a church, of creating a pillar, etc. He who has ears to hear, let him hear! [Matt. 11, 15, etc.]. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Liturgy without stumbling, with strength, with clear contemplation and with a feeling of tenderness. I thank the Lord, who took away the fierce oppression from my soul. At the very beginning of the liturgy, my flesh was extremely furious with greed and rage at the prosphora bowl, that the prosphora was stale, how did it dare to do this? But I myself was already satiated, and I had no time for prosphora. He realized his recklessness and madness of passion, and the Lord had mercy. It’s long past time for me to love the strictest fasting, for gluttony terribly suppresses my spirit, deadens it; what it cost me, what moral efforts to free myself from the tightness and burden of the flesh! What tears! But after mass, the opportunity again presented itself to eat a hearty meal - and I was well fed: I ate and drank. I have sinned against the Lord! The idea of ​​a Christian and a Christian shepherd. How high is the title of a Christian and a Christian shepherd! What important responsibilities they have! How little do we live up to our high rank! How poorly we perform our duties or do not think about fulfilling them at all. What do I come to church to look for: sins of cleansing and correction or bodily satiation with prosphoras, that I seek soft prosphoras? From the malice of deliverance or in the malice of being touched? Freedom from the love of money or the bitter slavery of Judas' passion? What am I looking for in this earthly sky? Freedom from worldly addictions and the heavenly residence of angels or enslavement to earthly things? To shepherd the sheep of the verbal flock or to shepherd yourself? He celebrated the first wedding in the current meat-eater. The bride did not arrive for a long time, until eight and a half hours, and the wedding was scheduled for seven and a quarter; Having waited, I finally became upset at the bride for not coming for a long time, and when she arrived, the enemy embarrassed me with hostility towards the bride, which (hostility) I could hardly overcome by condemning myself for the lack of love and condescension, for the lack of patience and the consideration that I would also waste this time. I could not utter the words: the servant of God N is getting engaged and the servant of God N is getting engaged... The enemy confused and humiliated me, he did not let me look directly in the face... but I should have looked boldly, with a pure heart; blinded my heart to hostility... Oh, how little love I have! If there were true love, I would be long-suffering, I would be merciful, I would not be irritated, I would cover everything, I would endure everything, I would never fall away from the love of my neighbor. God! Everything is possible for You: pour out love into my heart. He crowned it slowly, deliberately, with great moral labor: the enemy fought hard, he could barely cope. The air in the church was mixed and heavy; my nerves were shaking. Lunch at N. Mikhail's. Semenov had a heavy impact on my soul and my body. There is no need to eat meat, or very little: it is unnecessary for me. It's a burden for the soul. At dinner with Semenov N.M. my heart began to dislike Father Matthew for not answering my greetings - this plunged me into confusion, distress and shame; then I internally condemned myself, prayed heartily for my father’s brother Matthew, and he, sensing my inner prayer, noticeably softened and served me, giving me horseradish, cucumbers, etc. Teach me, Lord, to sincerely, with love, pray for every brother who is hostile to me, either in appearance or in reality. I am seduced by soft prosphyras, I think about big, beautiful ones: they are great and good - it’s a pity to give to people who are already well-fed - but I turn away from stale prosphyras and I am upset about the prosphyra bowl because of them; After this, please the evil, multi-passionate flesh: it leads you by the nose and itself does not know what it wants, and yet through this it achieves a murderous goal: it separates the soul from God, the source of life, from this True Bread that came down from heaven [John. 6, 41, 51]. What is our life? - Burning of a candle: you just have to blow on the One who gave it, and it goes out. What is our life? - The procession of a traveler: he has reached a certain limit - the gates are opened to him and he leaves his pilgrim’s clothing (body) and his pilgrim’s staff and enters his home. What is our life? - A long, bloody war for the possession of the true fatherland and for true freedom: the war is over - you are the winner or the loser, you are recalled from the place of struggle to the place of retribution, and you receive from the Giver either an eternal reward and eternal glory, or eternal punishment, eternal shame. He who gives alms from the heart is with Christ, but the hard-hearted, whose heart is attached to money, is with the devil; the first has hope in God's mercy after death at the Last Judgment, and even here again, but the hard-hearted awaits judgment without mercy [Jas. 2, 13 ] and eternal punishment; Therefore, let him who is poor or who squanders his property always rejoice for the sake of Christ, out of love for God and neighbor. Our soul either collects or scatters, because it cannot be idle: either good thoughts and wishes, or bad ones swarm in it. We have long grown cold towards other people, or we harbor enmity, envy, or we harbor the fervor of unclean carnal love, overcome by vicious skills and a vigilant enemy. The adversary captivates us in every possible way. We have to fight. The glutton notices with horror, finally or on certain occasions, that his heart is cold as ice towards God and his neighbor, for in his heart there reigns an addiction to food and money, to clothes, which do not give life and peace to the heart or strength, but impotence and crampedness. Why do you go to church: to eat bread or to ask God for forgiveness of sins, holiness, strength to overcome sin and practice virtue?.. For correction from bad deeds or to remain stuck in sins? If it is for the latter, then run away from here: the church doors must be closed for you so that you do not trample in vain the House of God. Nothing is mine – everything is God’s. What do we have in heaven?.. [Ps. 72, 25 ] He who does not love a brother or sister, how can he love God? (1 John 4:20). I need only God, and He gives Himself to me in His Holy Mysteries; He is eternal life. You have given wealth to those who fear You, O Lord [Ps. 60, 6]. My chambers are spacious: there is room to accommodate guests, but my heart is tight due to pride. With love, I give them a place in my home, and the Lord will give me a home in heaven. After all, we receive Him, the Lord, in the person of guests. Yes, not a single shadow of malice or stinginess darkens me. Malice from the devil. Calmness, peace with God, with people and with oneself are most valuable. My corner and a piece of bread are enough for me. [...]. May they find the warmth and compassion of love in my heart. I must remember that I am a fornicator, a glutton, an idolater, a lover of money, vain, proud, ambitious, and condemn myself mercilessly and correct myself, so that my soul does not perish, and let the corruptible perish, that’s where it belongs. Take care of your incorruptible, immortal soul with all your might and love everyone sincerely. Forgive me, Lord, for through me Belial curses the pure, wise, gracious, unblemished works of Your hands - lustful, foul, crafty, blasphemous, despicable, evil, envious thoughts. Oh, what passionate thoughts he is always overwhelmed by, what sinful abominations he is always scalded by, 120 by what thorns the soul of a sensualist, a glutton is wounded! But how pure in heart and peace is the fasting and abstinent man who prays unceasingly to God! Yesterday I had a hearty meat dinner, ate meat, drank wine: and how bad [this] is for me! What nasty, crafty and blasphemous thoughts overwhelmed me! What needles of the enemy are hitting me! Man is a wonderful, beautiful, majestic creation of God, especially a holy man, is a star of God, a luxurious color, all beautiful, pure, unblemished. This is fragrant cedar, this is valuable beads, this is a precious stone that has no price! This is a beautiful, fruitful tree of God's paradise! God's wonderful creation is man! Glory to the Creator and Provider! Glory to the Savior of the human race, who removes our race from the mire of passions, from corruption and death and leads us into the eternal life! I thank the Lord for reviving my weakness through the communion of the Holy Mysteries and for destroying all the machinations of the enemy. Again, from the beginning of the liturgy, an evil demon tormented me with greed or envy for the prosphyra, or, better yet, indignation at the prosphyra maker for baking small prosphyra. In this I justly condemned myself. How absurd! To have a passion for material bread, to think about satiating the belly, about delighting the larynx in such solemn, heavenly moments, at the hour of performing the most heavenly, bloodless, spiritual sacrifice of the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ God, when all the Angels are invisibly serving with us, when all worldly cares must be put aside, when the priest and every layman must be all woeful: Woe is our heart! Let us now put aside every care of this life, we hear. Like an incorporeal enemy, he intensifies to turn everything upside down, to pervert everything and to destroy the action of the heavenly Sacrament and make the priest even more sinful. O skills, O bodily passions! Oh, earthly passions! How they suppress the poor soul during the offering of a bloodless Sacrifice! You feel that they are deeply rooted in your soul and it is not easy to pluck them out, that the bodiless enemy, who produces in us all false, earthly addictions, reigns in our hearts, reigns through violence, perverted love for earthly things, fear, confusion, darkness, crowdedness, thirst for earthly sweets, carnal, coarse (sensual pleasures), absent-mindedness, icy coldness towards God and everything heavenly, holy, divine. Only sincere repentance, self-condemnation, intense, sincere prayer to God can deliver us from the violence of passions, from the deceit of enemies, and abstinence and fasting. But intemperance (eating meat especially) plunges us into the depths of evil and gives the enemy a good weapon against us: he crushes and kills us with the same food and the same drink that we should have eaten in moderation and for the glory of God. Have you no houses to eat and drink? (1 Cor. 11:22). The prosphyra is not for saturation, but for sanctification. There is enough bread at home. Mass. I thank the Lord for the powers of grace that were revealed in me in the fight against the power of malice, which forced me to antagonize my sexton Kutuzov, who was not at Matins today because of drunkenness at the name day. No matter how much they woke him up, they could not wake him up. Oh, how many times did anger outrage me, oppress me, shame me, rape me with cruelty, but the Lord, through my earnest inner prayer, gave me the strength to overcome it and convince myself to love my sinning brother and pray for him, because sin is our common misfortune, our common misfortune. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy in the world to partake of His Holy Mysteries for my purification, sanctification, and revitalization! The water-blessed prayer service to the Mother of God “Quiet my sorrows” was served with boldness and without stumbling. I thank the Lord for His mercy, which was shown to me on the way to the gymnasium after I shouted at the persecuted beggars with anger, repented of this and prayed to God to have mercy on me. I thank the Lord, who has had mercy on me at home through my prayer many times. Glory to Your mercy, Lord! Glory to Your long-suffering! I fasted a little yesterday (January 25), not having lunch until five and a half o'clock, and what grace there was in me, what silence, calm, joy! How peacefully and sweetly I served Vespers without stumbling or confusion! What a light voice! But then, out of hunger, I ate cabbage soup and meat for pleasure, and although not completely full, it was enough - and that lightness of soul and body was no longer there! But what is especially sad is that at night during sleep there was a strong tension in the genital member due to meat food, which worried me deeply, and kissing in my sleep with some, however noble, girls; It was as if they were preparing to marry me with one of them! Blot out, O God, these dreams from Your memory! The tension in the penis was also caused by sweet tea and biscuits; You need to drink less tea, but not sweeten it. I have sinned before God, forgive me, Master and Lord of my life! Considering the consequences, I come to the conviction that constant fasting is necessary for a priest. God! Grant me constant abstinence from meat. The soup is enough for me. Do not be discouraged by strong temptations, sorrows or illnesses or stumblings from the confusion of the enemy: all this is reproof and righteous punishment of Him who searches the heart and womb [Ps. 7, 10; Jer. 11, 20] Lord for your cleansing, awakening and correction, for burning out the thorns of carnal passions nesting in you (gluttony, fornication, envy, pride, covetousness, etc.), and therefore do not complain if sometimes it hurts you very much. Look not at the pain, but observe the consequences of this edification and the health of the soul. What are we not doing to keep our bodies healthy? - Moreover, for the health and salvation of the soul, which has immortal life, one must endure everything. I thank the Lord and my Holy Mother Church, the immaculate and incorruptible Bride of Christ, that she pointed out, leveled, smoothed out for me the right path to salvation, cutting off at the Ecumenical and Local Councils all heresies and schisms that could serve as an extreme stumbling block and obstacle to salvation in God; that she courageously, with victorious glory, fought off all the persecutors of the faith and defended for me the royal path of holy truth, leading me into eternal life; I thank you that she has preserved all the Sacraments established by the Lord and the Apostolic Sacraments, which lead me on the right path to salvation; I thank you that she established and established for me a magnificent divine service - this is an angelic service on earth; that she celebrates annually all the important events from the earthly life of my Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God for due, with gratitude the remembrance of the ineffable blessings of God to us, revealed in the redemption of us by the Son of God from sin, curse and death - and daily in the Divine Liturgy presents to my reverent attention the entire earthly life of my Lord; I thank you that in daily worship she glorifies the exploits of the holy saints of God and shows me in them living examples of faith, hope and love for God and various paths to eternal life; I thank her, my Holy Mother, for the works of the holy fathers and teachers of the Church, for their sweet and soul-saving words, left to us as a heritage as a priceless spiritual treasure; I thank you for the divinely established priesthood, which ministers my salvation in Christ and through Christ, reconciling me with God, sanctifying, comforting, strengthening, shepherding me and leading me into the heavenly fence. Food is the seed sown into the soil of our body: what you sow is what you will reap—you will sow sweets and you will reap fornication. Just as a seed does not bear fruit suddenly and according to its kind, so food bears its fruit according to the food itself. I served Matins today with difficulty due to the tightness of sweets that were at war in my body due to eating meat yesterday and sweet tea and biscuits. Yesterday's lesson: do not be disturbed in spirit and do not become angry when there is disorder in one of your household or subordinates, but endure all troubles with indifference, for in a world that lies in evil, there is an abyss of disorder, and you yourself are not alien to them, that is, you have done them often. In addition, confusion and anger are the worst moral disorders and evil. Is it reasonable to add a new, worse evil to evil, to an evil that you would like to correct or destroy?.. Do you want to reduce the evil that has been committed? - At least bear it indifferently and without malice and do not let the enemy laugh at you again. Tobacco smokers, by constantly smoking in their apartments, create a special smoky atmosphere, which is very harmful to the respiratory organs and the entire body. That is why weak women living in such an atmosphere get sick almost constantly. Fresh air, especially winter, cold, or damp weather, does them great harm instead of good. Nature punishes those who deviate from its laws given to it by the Creator. January 26, 1872. He celebrated late mass in extreme cramped conditions, sorrow, shame and despondency from bodily tightness (in the sides) due to eating meat the day before and drinking sweet tea (and his stomach strengthened). Like Esau, I am greedy for the poison from which the forefather Adam and the foremother Eve so terribly fell and cast down all their descendants with them. Inner tightness and shame suppressed me and made me despondent, but faith and hope in God’s infinite mercy overcame everything: I partook of the world and space of spiritual strength. I served the prayer service to the Mother of God “Quiet my sorrows” with great difficulty due to the cramped conditions. I thank the Lord, who saved me twice from the consequences of grief and irritability towards the poor before vespers in church and before the church house. I prayed and received forgiveness, and peace returned to me. We do not want to part with sweets, with pleasant things, with earthly blessings in general, just as sometimes it is a pity for someone who has awakened to part with sweet fantastic dreams. But aren’t we all dreaming, as it were, in a dream? Let's take a closer look, what do we love? What are we attached to, what are we addicted to? Are our passions worse than dreams? Our all-night vigils are small remnants of those truly all-night vigils that were performed by the first Christians at the tombs of the martyrs, or those all-night vigils in which hermits from the world, fasters and abstinents incessantly spent their time! Why could they [conveniently] spend the whole night in prayer, but we could not? They come from constant abstinence and thought of God, while we are partial to earthly things, from our laziness, intemperance, lack of faith, lack of love for God and zeal for the salvation of the soul. Our vigils are too short, and sometimes we get bored, others don’t even come to the vigil or to the liturgy at all - we’ve become so fussy, so much has faith extinguished in many! But they are happy to stay awake in the theater, behind the green field, over food and drinks, in clubs, at masquerades! We Christians have perverted our lives! We live our lives not according to the Gospel, but according to destructive self-will! Matins. From drinking a lot of tea (in the evening at 9 o’clock I drank four glasses and a half) and from sweet potato jelly with cranberries, I felt unwell in the morning, my voice was unclean, hoarse; there is excess in the body, that is, in the entrails. I was tempted by the sight of Father Matthew, who was in church; I prayed inwardly that he would be generous, and yet in my heart I had some kind of hostile disposition towards him and envy. I, the accursed one, have sinned before God and my brother: my sins are endless, but I want to heal the sins of others. Doctor, heal yourself! [ OK. 4, 23]. I forgot my sins: my lust, fornication, pride, envy, wickedness, love of money, negligence, laziness, gluttony, gluttony, drunkenness, hard-heartedness, cruelty and many others like them. Each one will bear his own burden [Gal. 6, 5]. Trust not in piles of money, but in God, who constantly cares for everyone, and especially for His rational and verbal creatures, and especially for those who live piously. Believe that His hand will not fail, especially for those who give alms, for man cannot be more generous than God. The proof of this is your own life and the lives of all former people who gave alms. May there be one God, the treasure of your heart; cleave to Him entirely, as created in His image and likeness, and flee from the aphids of the earth, which constantly corrupts our souls and bodies. Have you endured many bitter temptations, sorrows, hardships, confusion, abandonment of God, spiritual deaths from addiction to corruptible things? How many times have you seen or experienced how sweet, peaceful, blissful it is to cleave entirely to God, forgetting everything earthly, renouncing all worldly attachments? Why else are you chasing vanity?.. Hurry to life that will never pass away forever, to life that will not grow old for endless ages, draw everyone there as much as you can. I thank the Lord for His rich mercy towards me, for He granted me the privilege to perform the Divine Liturgy and partake of His life-giving, most pure and life-giving Mysteries - yes, I immediately felt within myself Divine life, peace, lightness, freedom, I just tasted the Divine Meat and the Divine Beer. My Flesh, says the Lord, is truly food, and My Blood is truly beer [Russian: drink] [John. 6, 55]. Yes, I feel it every time I join. And what deathly coldness, sorrow and crampedness there is before communion! And today it was extremely cold, extremely cramped: this was facilitated by the bad, snowy weather and, probably, the fact that my stomach was strengthened. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the Sacrament of Baptism and to marry two marriages without stumbling: one poor - easily (without people), and the other - with extreme effort and violence from the enemy. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance for irritability and anger at the poor and for reproaching and reproaching them, and after confusion and oppression, gave me peace, lightness, freedom and space. Glory to You, Long-suffering and Many-merciful! I thank the Lord for accepting my repentance of lack of faith, for which I told the poor that my fountain would become scarce (before vespers). There was sorrow and distress, and then the Lord gave peace. Saturday. Everything was fine before the arrival of sexton Kutuzov: he served smoothly, smoothly, calmly, but when he came with a drunken face and the smell of goat tobacco, the state of my soul changed: I was troubled in spirit and could not serve without stumbling, I could not speak the petitionary litanies; I shouldn’t have corrected the sexton who started singing the stichera on the stichera at the wrong time, before Glory to Thee, who showed us the light. I shouldn’t be indignant at the sight of a drunken sexton - this is his sin, not mine, and I myself [at] age; by being indignant, you will not improve matters, but will only ruin them: to your brother’s disorder, to his malfunction you will add your own mental disorder; calmness and equanimity of spirit are the best remedy against disorder. If the helmsman, during a storm, confusion and dizziness of those on the ship, is himself subject to confusion, he can destroy the entire crew. What he needs most is calmness, equanimity of spirit (1 John 2:15) - this is an important virtue in him. And you take heart and be strong in the face of the general dizziness of the sextons. Commit your sorrow to the Lord; Pray to Him to enlighten them: His power is wise, powerful, righteous, good, meek; He can correct anyone if anyone desires correction, and grant the very desire for correction through our prayer for those who are faulty. Pray for one another so that you may be healed [Jas. 5, 16]. But let us remember, when correcting those who sin, that love is long-suffering and merciful (1 Cor. 13:4), it always remembers the general weakness and great inclination to sin. I thank the Lord for the fragrance of my insides with the life-giving Mysteries, for heavenly peace, for the freedom and space of soul and body that followed communion. Great was the tightness in me during mass and the anxiety: the enemy tried to plunge me into despair. Again I was tempted through the prosphyra, again a new misfortune: the prosphyra seemed great, as before they seemed small; an envious eye caused me a lot of mental grief; I was afraid that the prosfir maker would fall into disrepair because of me. The stomach, or, in other words, the food and drink we have taken, produces too much leprosy or dirty tricks in us, in our heart, strongly shakes it and rips it 121 to sin, especially fornication, to lustful thoughts and movements of the heart, to irritability, to anger, despondency, confusion, blasphemy, and foul language. Therefore, in order to maintain purity of heart and one’s own calmness or dispassion, one must eat as little as possible; In general, you need to fast. The feverish earthly activity of people (building 122, gardening, literary, etc., etc.) is a sign of the proximity of the second coming of Christ. I thank the Lord for the gift of tearful tenderness during the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church in the Duma, for the boldness with which I begged the Lord for the cleansing of human sins, sanctification, enlightenment and affirmation, and convincingly asked for the construction in this city (Kronstadt) of a house for the poor and a vocational school. The relics of the saints are visual [and tactile] proof of the future life and righteous reward for all people, therefore let us live and serve the Lord with fear all the days of our lives and let us encourage each other to do good deeds. The vile enemy strives to destroy love with love: love for God and neighbor - love for the world, its fleeting blessings and its corrupt, ungodly customs, carnal love, love of wealth, honors, pleasures, various games. Therefore, let us extinguish in every possible way our love for this world, and let us kindle our love for God and neighbor through self-sacrifice. All beauty in this world (the beauty of faces) is a weak, insignificant shadow of uncreated beauty, the ineffable kindness of the Face of God; every earthly pleasure is insignificant in comparison with future pleasure. I pray to the Lord, may the faith of Christ penetrate into the depths of my heart, may it act throughout my entire life, may the Gospel of Christ penetrate into all my thoughts and feelings, words and deeds, into all my bones and brains - and not only into me, but also into all Christians, into all people, as universal truth, wisdom and eternal life. This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom You have sent [Jn. 17, 3]. Pride and lust, intemperance, gluttony and drunkenness most of all destroy the work of Christ in us, preventing the Gospel from penetrating our hearts and lives. That is why fasting, true fasting, is necessary for the implementation of the Gospel. Looking at the image of Christ the Savior, His Most Pure Mother, the holy saints of God, imagine in what glory our nature is clothed with God’s mercy, God’s wisdom and power, and what glory, what bliss awaits all His servants faithful to the Lord, and leave the wordless aspirations and addictions of this world, decay and the dust of the earth, love the Lord and His holy law Gospel with all your heart, with all your soul, and strive for the honor of the heavenly calling of God, for eternal life, ageless. With dignity and righteousness, Orthodox Christians decorate the churches and icons of the Lord, the Mother of God and the saints, in order to at least somewhat depict the beauty of paradise and the Kingdom of Heaven, the beauty and light of the Divinity of Christ and the souls deified by Him. The Lord has shown me countless blessings and, I am sure, has to show them, therefore I must constantly thank Him day and night with all my heart, and deeds, and purity, humility, kindness, mercy and almsgiving, patience with evil and adversity. What is the relationship between word and deed? – The Word called the visible and invisible world out of non-existence and came into existence, the word in the mouth of God the Word was deed. Therefore, word and deed must be inseparable from each other, just as the soul and body are inseparable in their existence. He who keeps and does the word of Christ faithfully and constantly, whose word is action, even now does great and amazing things: he is like a kind of god, whose word everything obeys - and demons obey, and illnesses are healed, and human morality is edified. The Cross in Christ and Christ on the Cross; The cross is the image of the crucified Christ, the Son of God, therefore both its sign and its single shadow are terrible for demons, like the sign of Christ, like the shadow of Him crucified. Therefore, it is very important to be marked with a cross, because it is very important to sign the cross on yourself and others, it is very important to immerse the cross in water and consecrate it. It is healing because it drives away demons. A Christian is God’s vessel, God’s church, God’s house. Oh, how we honor the true Christian! How zealously he must shun all sin! How holy one should live! How Christians should respect each other! So often you go to church, so often you partake of the Divine life-giving Mysteries, and you do not change for the better, you do not correct your many-passionate heart! Tell me: what excuse will you have, what justification will you bring before God? And how are you not ashamed of the faces of the holy saints of God: the apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints and righteous people and all the saints who were people subservient to you and, with the help of grace and with their zeal, corrected themselves, were cleansed, sanctified and saved, became people of renewal, a holy tongue?.. Secular songs are the roar of human passions; Church songs are an outpouring of the sweet and life-giving grace of the Holy Spirit. Let passions not roar - let grace speak. If you want passions to not rage within you, practice more often in singing psalms and spiritual songs and songs [Eph. 5, 19]. And the peace of God will be in your hearts. I thank the Lord, who called me to prayer in the morning (three prayer services) and made me worthy without stumbling (except for the prayer behind the pulpit) to perform the Divine Liturgy and to partake in the revitalization and pacification of the soul and body of the Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood (revitalizing fire), and to say the word on the day of the saint (Archbishop Gregory of Kazan) with great sweetness and with great boldness and by force. Then, after mass, three prayer services were served (with officer Pelius and officer Yudin and with the customs inspector Gregory). Dined at home as a sweet treat after work; Two hours later we drank coffee with my brother [Alexey], also for sweetness and health. At 5 o'clock the christening in Nikitin's house: he said prayers very easily, with great boldness. After the christening, on my way home, I became angry with the beggars, and the arrows of heavenly justice pierced me: I felt humiliation, sorrow and cramped conditions and repeatedly bowed my knees before God for deliverance from severe sorrow and cramped conditions and was barely saved due to deep repentance (which happened on Komendantskaya Street) while walking alone. We must satisfy the poor whenever possible. I thank the Lord, the doctor and savior of my soul, who through sorrow and hardship took away cruelty, malice and stinginess from my soul. I sinned before God - I was angry in the morning with one beggar of age because he was dissatisfied with 20 kopecks and asked for more; I, cursed and cruel, pulled him out by the hair - and he came out of the hospital, had just recovered from his illness, and said that his head hurt! Forgive me, brother in Christ God. Forgive me, Lord Lord! We must lovingly ask the beggar in detail about everything. God! I have sinned before You by giving alms to Your poor reluctantly, with annoyance, with reproaches, under compulsion. Teach me to give it willingly, with affection, with joy and to believe that by giving it, I do not lose, but gain infinitely more than what I give. Turn my eyes away from people with a hard heart, with a copper forehead, who do not sympathize with the poor, who face poverty indifferently, condemn, reproach, brand it with shameful names and weaken my heart, so as not to do good, in order to harden me against poverty. Oh my God! How many such people there are in this city and even among my brothers in rank and ministry and place! God! fix the matter of almsgiving! God! May all my alms go to benefit and not to harm! God! accept alms from Your poor people! God! deign to build a house for the poor in this city, as I have repeatedly prayed to You, the all-good, all-powerful, wise, wonderful! Osten (Church Slavic) – sting, butt; needle, nail. Trebled (Church Slavic) – three times woven. Okalyati (Church Glav.) – to desecrate, to stain with mud or manure. Porevati (Church Glav.) – push, shove. Zdatelnaya (church-glory) – construction. Exist (church-glory) – bring into being. Sen (Church Slavic) – here in the meaning of “shadow”. You might be interested in: