Сентябрь 1883 г.

He did not serve Mass and was not at Matins or Vespers. I wasn’t in the gymnasium. The diarrhea began to decrease. Friday. I was at Matins, reading, singing, and serving mass. Before mass, the Lord performed a miracle of mercy on me, saving me from anger towards the poor with the angry word “stupid!” He served Mass with grace and cheerfulness, and received Holy Communion in a life-giving way. I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, said the whole dismissal, having overcome temptation. After mass, he again fell into anger at the beggars, again repented at home and received the longed-for mercy from the Lord, then he went to give communion to the sexton’s wife, Elisaveta Dmitry. The sexton reminded me about the prayer service, and I got angry that I was bothering with this supposedly unnecessary service, and said: get out; then I came to my senses, began to repent and beg the Lord for mercy, which I was awarded, an indecent slave of the belly and sensual pleasures, and not a servant of Christ God and the lesser brethren, for which I reproached myself, selfish, wayward, self-indulgent, selfish, ambitious, lazy, greedy, envious, proud, sad, murmuring, disobedient. After the funeral service for N.N. Nikolaevsky’s cohabitant Anna. I thank the Lord for the new greatest miracle of mercy, transformation, purification and renewal of my heart, which fell into pride, wickedness, malice, envy regarding the abbot Father Paul, when I should have bowed to him and when I suspected him of arrogance, he was like an unshakable pillar. I condemned myself sincerely and asked the Lord for mercy to change my heart with a kind change, which I received and got rid of the painful cramped conditions, tasting peace and spaciousness of soul. Regarding terrible volcanic eruptions. We all have volcanoes in our souls - our passions. Let's pay them off on time before they go wild. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the success of serving the liturgy in the Assumption Church at eight and a quarter in the morning, for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. I felt a complete renewal in myself, the deepest peace, lightness, freedom. After having a snack at the Markovs’ and giving me some money (ten rubles), I felt heavy. After taking Anna, Nikolaevsky’s partner, home, I drank a cup of broth - and it became even heavier. After the gymnasium and the prayer service at Marfa Efimovna Volkova’s, I ate and drank (soft-boiled eggs) - and even more heavily, at home a bowl of broth - again too much. During the all-night vigil in the cathedral [...] the Lord granted the greatest tenderness, which renewed me. At Irina Grigorievna’s prayer service in Ekaterina Stepanovna’s cell (Korshunov’s house) there was extraordinary lightness and boldness, unfailing prayer. The sexton has a devil's backwater at the prayer service; Upon leaving him, while walking, I repented, and the Lord defeated the enemy, his wickedness, forgave me for my sin and gave me peace, lightness, boldness, and space. Glory to the merciful and beneficial Lord. Even a small amount of wine disturbs the heart, hardens it, makes me not entirely capable of prayer, the enemy twists both the heart and the tongue. Therefore, you should always be extremely careful when drinking wine. I have sinned against the rector of the Arkhangelsk Seminary Trunev 134 with secret contempt, ill will and gloating. I would need to sincerely wish him well, just as I would to myself, to pray for him sincerely, for without God none of us can do anything good. Give him, Lord, success in all good intentions and deeds, correct and exalt him. Heavenly King, Comforter, Soul of Truth, In Whom we all live and move, In Whom I, a sinner, live and move and exist, have mercy on me, enlighten me, cleanse me, confirm me, perfect me and save me! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from severe and long-lasting diarrhea, which weakened me. After an early mass (instead of the late one that Father Peter asked to serve). I thank the Lord for the grace of deliverance from the oppression of sin, given to me when reading the entrance prayers before the royal doors of the Baptist Chapel and then at the beginning of the Liturgy of the Catechumens, and for the grace of peace and tenderness during the Liturgy, and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, and for the gift of preaching the word of God. I thank the Lord for deliverance from severe embarrassment, sorrow and cramped conditions in the apartment of Vladimir P. Verkhovsky before the prayer service and from cramped conditions and confusion for secret anger towards the widow Anna Gerasimovna for her frequent approach to kissing her hand. I repented of my anger, which the primordial enemy constantly tries to instill. Then at [...] a prayer service the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions. This evening I almost fell into the abyss of voluptuousness [...]. Deliver, Lord, from the momentary thoughts and feelings of voluptuousness. You, Lord, are my imperishable shrine, immaculate, eternal sweetness, who created countless kinds of sweets for man. Four o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the deadly sting of voluptuousness, which stung me as a result of my close relationship with the girl. I sincerely repented to the Lord, with a sincere desire and vow to always have my heart as a church of God, as it should be, for the Lord is my Creator and Prototype, my Redeemer, my life, my breath, my strength, my true sweetness and grace, my glory, my incorruptibility - and now the scorching wound of my heart healed, and I calmed down. I thank the Lord for the greatest salvation from sinful lust, granted to me through the prayer of repentance in the church after touching the throne of grace with my heart and lips (in the main church). After that, I felt peace and freedom in myself with boldness, and then served two prayer services in Ekaterininskaya Street Malaya (in the houses of Potekhin and Bulychev) with great boldness. Having gone to Simansky, he was again wounded in his heart at the sight of the girl’s beauty and fell into heartfelt voluptuousness and was wounded, but when he came to the church and fell with repentance at the throne of holiness and truth and mercy, he was healed, cleansed, sanctified, and renewed. I thank the Lord for the new greatest mercy of deliverance through the prayer of repentance from the new voluptuous encroachment of the girl on me. I thank the Lord, who drove away from my inner pains the enervating, choking sweetness that confuses, oppresses, scorches, kills me, and who has wonderfully revived and eased me with His grace. Nine o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for His mercy, which surpasses my mind and aspiration, poured out on me after Matins, when in my anger I slightly hit Anna Gerasimovna on the head because she grabbed me by the sleeve to hold me back and kissed my hand, not for the first time. Through this sin of mine I myself became embarrassed, wounded, and died mentally. But, having flowed to the invincible goodness of God in repentance and attached my heart and lips to the holy life-giving throne, I got rid of spiritual death and received life, peace, freedom, joy and made the confession of St. Petersburg without stumbling, calmly. Another time, the Lord saved in Tretyakova’s house before reading a prayer to the mother in labor. Evening. I often feel secret anger at people who have not pleased my pride in some way, which, like all old man, must be crucified by dishonor or censure, opposition and other measures. So, for example, the once vicar of Ladoga Gerasim (it seems long since deceased) 135 received me sternly, casually and somewhat proudly, and I still remember this reception with indignation and hostility towards him, and even reading his letters, breathing deep humility and love for the nuns, his spiritual daughters, I am disgusted and ready to accuse him of pretense. Meanwhile, he is sincere, pious and God-loving, but I am truly damned, many sinners and deserve for my sins all contempt and all contempt with humility and joy must accept from people as righteous retribution for my pride, wickedness, pride, malice, envy, impurity, intemperance, covetousness, unfriendliness, ill will, anger, contempt neighbors, hardness of heart and my other sins, which are countless. The same thing, I had the same rancor towards our bishop, Metropolitan Isidore 136 for the same thing. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance for this and delivered me from oppression and sorrow for this and illuminated my mind with the light of His grace. Thank you for deliverance from carnal pleasures. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. The Lord performed two greatest miracles of salvation in me: one when returning on horseback in a droshky from the Kudryavtsev outbuilding on the mountain, where my godson Ivan (Elizabeth’s treat), when in repentance I prayed to the Lord to destroy with the strength of holiness and truth His fortress of delusion in my heart (voluptuous), with His power - the power of sin, and the Lord destroyed, stretching out to me a sovereign, life-giving, strong hand Yours and giving me peace, freedom, life. Another miracle came after reading the letters of His Grace Gerasim of Astrakhan, the former vicar of the St. Petersburg Metropolis, who during his time received me sternly, which gave rise to grief and rancor in me due to my weakness and pride. Reading the letters, I did not believe in their sincerity and secretly became embittered against him, inspired by the devil, and through this I died in soul, deprived of the grace of God, but as soon as I sincerely repented with all my thoughts, with all my heart, with all my willpower and prayed to the Lord with the strength of His mercy and goodness to destroy in me the fortress of the devil’s malice operating in me, I now received forgiveness, permission, cleansing, changing the heart from malice to goodness, from confusion towards the world, from cramped space. Glory to our always close and obedient and beneficent God! Six o'clock in the evening. I thank and praise the Lord, who delivered my soul from hellish oppression during Vespers; crampedness befalls me for one thought about gilding my pectoral cross during the singing of stichera, and immediately my heart fell from God, from the love of God, from His goodness, from love for my neighbor: worldly and carnal addiction kills love for God and neighbor. I sincerely repented of my double-mindedness, of my absurd addiction and prayed to the Lord to cleanse my heart from poisonous charm. And the Lord took away my sin, restoring peace to me. Having come home, I again lost my peace and was stung by sin - I repented again and again received the mercy of God. Then I went to my garden, looked closely at the whiteness of the girl’s neck - and again the poison of charm penetrated my heart and tormented me, again I sincerely repented, and again the Lord united with me in my heart. Glory to the Lord, who jealously guards the sanctuary of His church - my heart. The Right Reverend Vicar Gerasim did not know me and therefore received me sternly in 1859, or I was then unworthy, sinful, unclean: I reclined with my wife and smoked tobacco. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the greatest miracle of salvation from hellish fire and the cramped conditions that befell me because of anger and a kick from behind by a beggar, who, after giving alms (four kopecks), asked for another thirty or thirty-five kopecks for supports. I, suspecting him, a young man, of idleness, laziness, and inebriation, considered it unfair to give him so much and, in order to get rid of him, gave him a trepak. So, the abyss of mercy is in me, the Lord is gloriously glorified, for I repented sincerely, tearfully. The glorification of the Most Holy Trinity begins here on earth, in the Church of God and will continue throughout eternity. For all glory is due to You... You are our God, and we send glory to You... and forever and ever! Morning. I commemorate God’s new mercy towards me, a sinner: on my way home from church from Matins, I said with some irritation to Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina: “Why are you coming to me at such an early time and jostling here,” and to her answer: “I want to pray with you!” answered: “I’ll pray without you,” sent her away and went to pray for the ailing Vasily in my apartment. There was tightness and sorrow in my soul from irritation with Kovrigina, but I repented sincerely, and the Lord gave me peace and silence. Glory to the Lord! After early mass. I thank the Lord for the liturgy, filled with miracles of God’s mercy and power towards me, a sinner, and in me, a multi-passionate one. From the beginning of the proskomedia until the Cherubic Song, I was in extreme close quarters with the enemy because of the grudgingly, sadly given alms to a beggar who stood with a mug at the church door. I prayed for a long time, cringed, raked myself from my sins, and finally, after the Cherubic Song, the Lord delivered me, poor man, from the jaws of the devil. And I served with tenderness and received good communion. Then a new grave temptation, cramped conditions and sorrow befell me at the end of mass for not reprimanding my release. Again sorrow and torment; because of this, I reluctantly read the fortieth prayer to the mother in labor, skipping praises due to the devilish poison in my heart. Finally, before the prayer service, he defeated the fierce enemy. Then, after the removal of the sexton Elizabeth, a new deliverance - on the street to the gate; then again, when I came home, the Lord delivered me from the burning pain of hell through my prayer. The wife hid the kvass in sateh three flours, until everything was leavened [Luke 13:21]... The woman is the Holy Church, the kvass is the grace of God, the Kingdom of God, saty 137 three - the three powers of our soul: mind, will and heart. Every attack (adposition) of disembodied enemies is a denial of life (torment), or a descent from life into death, from peace into confusion, from space into cramped conditions, from joy into sorrow, from boldness into fear, despondency, cowardice. Today, according to the custom of His mercy, the Lord delivered me from the great crampedness of the painful sting of demons regarding my thoughts about the poverty of the House of Diligence, dedicated to the name of Emperor Alexander II. The enemy pinned me down with despondency and despair, but I resisted and placed my hope in the all-good and all-powerful and all-provident Lord - and with difficulty I overcame the adversary. Upon leaving Matins on the way to mass at the Assumption Church, the enemy overthrew with new despondency: why should I, and not the rector, get to serve; I repented of this, asked the Lord for forgiveness and received peace. He served mass well and received communion without condemnation. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of two prayer services and for deliverance from shameless thoughts and instigations of the heart (at Korovnikov). Saturday. I bring my heartfelt confession of the good deed of the Lord Jesus Christ, my God, performed in me during Matins through the prayer of repentance for my pride, self-indulgence, lust, impatience, unkindness towards others, severity, envy, ill will, bitterness, and secret contempt. What sorrow and distress always befalls me for my devilish anger and impatience - and rightly so! How does sincere repentance revive, the good change of heart, which is accomplished by the grace of God in my corrupt, passionate heart! With what triumph I read after this the canons of the Mother of God, Joachim and Anna, and the martyrs Minodora, Metrodora and Nymphodora! He also served Mass with grace; however, at the beginning my heart sank from haste when reading the final verses at the proskomedia, the prayer of offer and dismissal. But then the Lord, for increased repentance, delivered me from new cramped conditions and extinction. Received life-giving communion. I read the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal without stumbling, with boldness; gave communion to five women. God bless! Many, many times the Lord saved me from sins throughout the day through my secret prayer. Having sinned, I will fall to the Lord secretly - and I will be saved and saved, and I will be at peace and come to life, I will come to life. Sunday. I exalt with gratitude the name of my Lord Jesus Christ for repeatedly delivering me from the teeth of Satan during early mass, especially at the beginning and at the end, when an unseemly, although kind, old woman brought a child to communion, and at the beginning of mass the enemy trampled and killed my soul with an incomprehensible fear of Deacon Poletaev, of whom for some reason in the service I am afraid, like a wolf. Through repentance and prayer to the Lord, I regained the mercy and peace of God and received tears of tenderness after the great entrance. At a prayer service with the blacksmith Marya Alekseevna, the enemy captivated the heart through one view and thought with the shine of gold on the icon, but with repentance and reasoning he drove away the serpent’s dream. Lieutenant-Commander 138 Roman Alekseevich Mazurov was embarrassed by the unfamiliar faces and brilliant surroundings and did not pronounce either the Gospel, or prayers, or litanies, being troubled in spirit by the breath of the enemy and not defeating him, although he called on the name of the Lord. Why do I lose heart in the sight of secularly educated people decorated with tinsel and gold? The servant of God must be the same everywhere, for God is higher, and more, and stronger, and more beautiful, and more glorious than everyone else. In Ekaterina Stepanovna’s apartment after a prayer service, the Lord delivered me from the greatest cramped conditions after a secret prayer of faith. Monday. During the lesson in the second grade, I did not have moral self-control and peace of mind due to the fact that I had breakfast at home at the wrong time (chicken), without having the motivation and having already drunk tea in the morning, and, moreover, drank another glass of cocoa at the Zhitkovs. Another reason I didn’t have the proper self-control was that I didn’t prepare enough for the class, didn’t comprehend, didn’t think through the lesson thoroughly. At the prayer service and after it in the house of Yegor Vasilyev Gorbunov, the Lord delivered me from the machinations of the enemy, who incited me with anger. I thank the Lord for the wondrous miracle of His goodness and mercy during Matins: when I, secretly embittered at the father rector for his coldness and inhospitability, although I myself insincerely greeted him, began to be scorched by the flames of hell and, after that, diligently condemn myself and repent of the malice I had committed, the Lord heeded my heartfelt repentance and, during the reading of the canon on the fourth ode, delivered me from the snake’s poison, giving me the dew of grace, health, peace, space and salvation. One thing that is wonderful about the abbot is that he is gentle, peaceful, calm, even, self-controlled, which are qualities that I only desire and which I, who am multi-passionate, do not possess. I have great pride, extremely sensitive and prickly, and envy, and ill-will, and gloating, and pride, and malice, and intemperance, and covetousness, and voluptuousness, and laziness, and negligence, and lies, and servility, and partiality, and many many other passions. During Compline, the enemy stopped and wounded me with secret anger against the Father Superior because he did not make the usual fraternal concession in my direction where I was standing. I brought sincere repentance with self-condemnation that I fell away from empty self-love from love and destroyed the entire law of God, which consists of love, and the Lord delivered me from malice, giving love, truth, peace, boldness, strength, life to my heart. After sleep in the morning. Oh, damned greed! Now I saw an image of myself in a dream: one hungry boy, I know him, asked me for bread to satisfy his extreme hunger, and asked more than once - I went to buy it in a bread shop, but there I liked the workers’ stew, and I let’s try and eat, and the beggar stands and waits in the cold; That thick, thick stew (as if made from mushrooms and [American] biscuits) didn’t seem enough - they made it for me, I’m still eating and eating, but the beggar is still standing and waiting; Finally, having eaten my fill, as they say, I took about seven small slices of white bread that were given to me and only gave four of them to the hungry man, there seemed to be a lot of them all - and then there was greed and stinginess. Oh, greed and hardness of heart! (I slept on my left side, seeing this dream.) Who did I do what pleased me by acting like this in my dream? To the devil. But I abhor you, Satan, and all your deeds, and all your service, and all your pride. Wednesday. Exaltation. I thank the Lord for the merciful and speedy deliverance of my unworthiness from the deadly, scorching poison of the serpent, which was influenced in my heart for my cruelty towards the poor when I was going to early mass. At the beginning of the proskomedia, through a prayer of repentance, the Lord delivered me and gave me peace. Then another time he delivered me, when I cried out to Him in grave, mortal sorrow at the end of the proskomedia, during the prayers and release of which I succumbed to the fear of the devil, which killed me. At a prayer service with a teacher in Murganovka 139 he was subjected to an extremely difficult temptation due to being wounded by the carnal beauty of the girls - the teacher and her sister, and was confused from embarrassment and fear of the devil in the Gospels, in the litanies and in prayer. Some kind of greed for carnal beauty, envy, desire for carnal pleasure. He prayed and repented. Already on the way to the Summer Garden, to the minister's wing, on the bridge, I got rid of charm and cramped conditions through a prayer of repentance. I turn away from ugliness, I am seduced by beauty, and the soul is equally in the image of God in the beautiful and the ugly. Again, crafty multi-passion. No good thing dwells in you [Rom.7:18]. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me during Vespers, when I repented of my hardness of heart towards the poor, who came to me in multitudes as I walked to Vespers. In response to their request, I told them: “Have some water,” and I angrily refused to give the man who did not have outer clothing money for clothes, suspecting him of drunkenness. I thank the Lord, who showed me help during the prayer service in the house of General Semenov and great help during the christening in the house of Semenov with Mr. Abrashkevich. I thank the Lord, who revealed to me my imaginary loss - the order badge of St. Anne of the third degree, which I looked for for an hour or more, and God knows what I was thinking at home. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from confusion, anxiety, suspicion, bitterness and, perhaps, family strife. And a lesson for me: not to become attached to any thing as a treasure of the heart, but to have God as one treasure - an indestructible, eternal treasure, living and reviving everyone, and the source of all good things. I thank You, my Lady, Most Holy Theotokos, who gives me sweet tears of tenderness when reading the canons in Your honor and glory: from this I know that You are near me, and You hear prayers and praises to You, and accept my repentance, and send me the gift of purification, sanctification and peace. I thank the Lord, for you drove away the hellish serpent that roared at me and drove away its sting, and took away the serpent’s poison from my heart during Matins (the sting was directed by the enemy at the abbot for his miserliness and accumulated wealth, although evil is never cured by evil and cannot, but only by love and goodness and prayer from a loving heart). I thank You, Lord, for You have granted me to see my own sins and not to condemn my brother. I thank the Lord, who soon turned the storm of domestic strife and enmity and warfare into silence shortly after my secret prayer before the holy icons in my prayer room. I called upon the Lord, the Lady and the Holy Great Martyr Euphemia the All-Honorable, who is commemorated today, in repentance. It’s amazing how quickly my wife, with whom I quarreled because of her anger at the servant Evdokia, reconciled herself and changed for the better, for a peaceful dispensation. My wife became helpful, attentive, and affectionate, and the Lord changed me for the better. Glory to His all-good, benevolent, benevolent and beneficial power! Glory, for the Lord did not give any more place and time to sin and its culprit - the devil. Inside us there truly smolders a fiery volcano of passions, ready to flare up every hour and minute, shake our entire being and cause the greatest devastation in the immortal soul. Such is a bishop fitting for us: reverent, gentle, undefiled... [Heb.7:26]! And every priest must be, in the likeness of this eternal High Priest, holy, sinless, without filth, without malice, but we, the accursed and invested with the rank of the priesthood, allow in our hearts secret malice, impurity, voluptuousness, intemperance, envy, love of money and in general greed, partiality, anger, rage; let us all be transformed into the meekness of a sheep and the wholeness of a dove. I thank the Lord for his help during the prayer service in Gorbunov’s house and especially in Kasatkina’s house at the Galakhovs’, where the prodigal stings of the adversary were especially strong, and in the House of Diligence at the entrance and exit of the class, and in the evening at the meeting where there were girls-teachers. The Lord created all creatures, especially rational and verbal, free ones, for His own sake, so that everyone would serve Him as the Creator and the Author of their well-being and bliss, and in this service to their Creator is their purpose and eternal joy and bliss (of rational creatures). But in the world, not without the foreknowledge and permission of God, the greatest and strong apostate Dennitsa appeared among the intelligent incorporeal beings with many other spirits rejected by him from obedience to God, an opponent of God, a slanderer, who became the source of all evil in the world, and he, out of excessive pride and malice, wants people not to serve God, like him, but to him, the evil apostate, in order to perish with him forever. And he compels us to serve him - by incessant thinking, and feeling, and speaking, and doing all kinds of sin: pride, malice, envy, resistance to God and people; despondency, despair, intemperance, fornication, drunkenness, love of money and other sins. Therefore, every Christian must constantly resist sin and create sacred things in the fear of God and thereby serve God. Home and public worship guides all the children of the Orthodox Church to this end. We smolder alive every day in the body, and in the soul (with sins), each having some germ of illness within us. Why do we still cling to this corruptible, temporary, sinful life and not strive with all our thoughts, desires and deeds towards incorruptible, eternal life, creating holiness and truth in the fear of God? I read and sang the morning liturgical canons with difficulty due to yesterday’s gluttony and wine drinking (at Voronina’s and in Gorbunov’s house), I served mass not with a light heart, but depressed from gluttony; I partook of the Holy Mysteries life-givingly, for which I glorified the Lord, but when, while giving communion to the babies, I almost shed the Most Pure Blood from the spoon because of the mother’s inability to bring the child to the Holy Chalice and was secretly angry with her, the devil flew into my heart and terribly disturbed it, constrained me, tormented me, I barely read (and not all of) the prayer behind the pulpit, and was released from crampedness and shame stole. Then he went to the altar and to the Holy Chalice and in repentance, cowering from the cramped conditions and hellish fire, he prayed to the Lord for mercy, that he would forgive me my secret bitterness (however, I expressed my bitterness in the words: “You still need to approach, but you don’t know how”), and with great difficulty begged mercy from the Lord. He drove away the chief of evil. Kachukov served a prayer service with great difficulty, the devil stung terribly; After lessons at the Titkovs’ prayer service, the enemy also stung terribly with the sting of voluptuousness; I even secretly cried. After vespers, the enemy also stung the sailor in the first [servant] wing because of the thought of Titkov’s three rubles, which he wanted to turn to his own benefit, but then he decided in his heart to turn them on the beggars. How many times have I fallen before the Lord today - and I have fallen many times - and each time the Lord has forgiven my sins and stumbling blocks, healed my heart wounds, pacified me, and consoled me. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord! Sunday. At the very beginning of the late liturgy, the Lord blessed me with great deliverance from the bonds of the devil, delivering me from tightness and torment and granting peace and freedom, and not just once, but several times, for due to weakness and sinful skill and habit, I often fell into the confusion of sin. After the Cherubim, the Lord gave tears of tenderness; During mass I had a headache and aches in my head. Prayer services were served with difficulty in church and from home. After drinking the milk at dinner, I felt good, and after sleeping during Vespers I became completely healthy. Vespers was served by Father Hieromonk Leonid. I thank the Lord for everything. Last night I had a wet dream, which was harmful to me; happens very rarely by the grace of God. At night he got up and prayed for mercy and cleansing and sanctification. First remove the log - pride, malice, envy, anger, fornication, greed, intemperance - from your mind - from your soul, and then you will see the mote removed from your brother's mind, see that you yourself need to be clean from all sin and be filled with humility, love and sincere goodwill towards your neighbor, humility, patience, condescension in order to heal him spiritual infirmities, sins and passions [Matthew 7:5]. Sins can never be healed by sin, and unless you add sin to sin. I thank the Lord for healing me from the headache that was depressing me. I thank the Lord for the salvation granted to me during the service of Matins in the presence of Hieromonk Leonid and some merchants, the birthday boy Fyodor Balabanov and others, and for the reading of the canons; Christ, the true Light, could not read it all. I thank the Lord for the glorious and speedy salvation from my sins and the wounds of the all-evil devil, granted to me through the secret prayer of repentance in the stone outbuilding of Gorbunov in Knyazheskaya Street in the apartment [...] (I was upset with them that they forced me to walk far when I wanted to rest). What peace, what silence the Lord has given me! And I served calmly, without stumbling, throughout the prayer service. I thank the Lord for granting salvation at the beginning of the liturgy, which continued throughout the entire service, especially after the great entrance (until now I was extremely sleepy); here the Lord gave tears of tenderness. Received life-giving communion. He was upset at the half-drunk sexton and could barely control himself. At the revelation of the Holy Gifts to the people and the communion of infants presented by Ulyana Dmitry. pockmarked and also Paraskeva Petrovna, I secretly became embittered: why are these disgraceful people offering it! And this vain, vain hatred killed me terribly, I, like an aspen leaf, trembled, was exhausted and barely begged the Lord to have mercy on me, repenting of the madness of my anger towards good, simple, humble women, who sincerely loved God and me. Oh, I forgot my grave sins in my youth and then, even to this day! And he became proud, and arrogant, and derogatory towards his neighbors! After Vespers, because of the many stumbling blocks that had afflicted me, I fell in repentance at the Holy Altar, and the Lord had mercy on me. And at home the Lord repeatedly had mercy on me, especially upon my arrival from Semyonov’s house from my spiritual children. Here the Lord destroyed in me the stifled voluptuousness that was in my members from the excessive affection of my daughters towards me. Tuesday. How I will thank the Lord for the greatest victories and victories over our all-destroying devil, accomplished in me by the grace of Christ God through repentance and invoking the secret name of His holy and all-powerful during Matins, after it, before mass, during mass and after it, when I deliberately went to the altar from the prayer service in the Karoli house to venerate the holy altar in a feeling of repentance and confession of sins mine; then before, during and after Vespers, many times! How many temptations, how many oppressions, grave, unbearable wounds, how many falls into sin, especially anger towards the poor! Because of one beggar who was chasing me and was driven away through a policeman, I suffered for a long time and with difficulty begged the Lord for forgiveness and peace. One must be merciful and compassionate, generous from a good heart and desire, and not hard-hearted and stingy. Wednesday. I cannot count the extraordinary mercies of God that the Lord showed me today during my many temptations during Matins (the dysfunction of the drunken sexton Dobryakova, embarrassment and irritation at him, deep wounding), after Matins, before the Liturgy (from displeasure towards the poor), at the beginning of the Liturgy and during its continuation (nervous soreness, despondency, humiliation). After communion, the fear of the devil began to overcome me, but by the grace of God I overcame it and firmly read the prayer behind the pulpit, and dismissed it the same way. Before Vespers and during Vespers and after it there are again temptations, and everyone is overcome by the infinite goodness and omnipotence of Christ God, whom I earnestly called upon with faith and hope, touching the Holy Altar as if to the hem of His garment. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord for everything. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord for repeated deliverance from the evil wiles of the devil, directed at me at the very beginning of Matins and throughout it until the Great Litany, then at the end of Matins, when pronouncing the last exclamations of the special litany (especially about fruit-bearing and others, which I could not say out of empty embarrassment from fear that a piece of paper would fall out of the chest pocket of the cassock, - oh, stupid devilish dream!). After this, for repentance and prayer, the Lord delivered me from the demonic ulcer in my heart, healed, pacified, revived and strengthened me. It’s remarkable that from yesterday’s malnutrition and abstinence it was very easy for me (in soul and body) and easier to fight demons and defeat them with the grace of Christ. The same twenty-second. I thank the Lord for the wondrous powers of goodness and mercy that occurred in me many times during and after the liturgy (at the beginning of the liturgy, when I was dying in my heart from demonic violence, then after the great entrance), after the memorial service, when I was upset about something during the distribution of the antidoron; I repented of this for a long time, mortally oppressed and embarrassed by the enemy, and finally received mercy from the Lord. In the gymnasium in Titkov’s apartment, the Lord performed a miracle of deliverance for repentance of ill will towards Archpriest Lamanov. During Vespers and after Vespers, at christenings and after them, the Lord delivered me from the remorse of the serpent. When I eat meat or fish food with appetite, then I relax in spirit, and invisible enemies easily captivate me, insult me, laugh at me, and then, alas, I lose the nobility of my soul, created by God, in God’s image and likeness, for the heavenly Kingdom and bliss, and I become bestial by my own will. Oh, the corrupted will, the vile will, the earthly will, not the heavenly will, the will of the devil, ungodly, absurd, insane, perverse! Hallowed be your name, may the kingdom come, may your will be done, as it is in heaven and on earth! Forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors! The glutton has earthly thoughts, feelings and aspirations, enterprises - everything is earthly, everything is perishable! Human-pleasing, not god-pleasing! Fear is human and demonic, not God's! Cowardice, despondency! Invisible enemies confuse, beat, wound and overthrow me with thoughts of proud, evil, voluptuous, envious, vain, earthly splendor (gold, silver, valuable stones, transparent clothes), handsome faces, noble, rich, learned, sweet, which is insignificant before God, for only sincere faith, true virtue, sincere humility before God is valuable. During vespers I just thought that I would be with the Grechukhins today, I just thought about the treat, pleasing my belly - and I was embarrassed, hurt, and lost grace; going to the gymnasium and meeting Lamanov, I just thought unfriendly, hostile thoughts about Father Pavel Lamanov, and now I lost my peace, became embarrassed, wounded, died spiritually, and only through sincere repentance did I regain my peace and freedom. How necessary it is to have love for everyone, peace and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord [Heb.12:14]. I praise and extol the Lord, who accomplished in me a glorious salvation during Matins after I removed the hired sexton Mikhail Dobryakov for drunkenness and rudeness (not today’s, but former ones). I was upset with him at first, but then I sincerely prayed for him to God as for my fellow member and a member of the Church, although sick and weak, suffering from pernicious passions (but I also suffer the same as he does), and I calmed down somewhat, but the enemy fought me strongly, scorched, sarcastically, and the litanies of Midnight Office and Matins - small, intense, great - were not calm and not entirely reprimanded; but when he fell with faith in repentance to the holy throne in the main church while reading the kathisma, he suddenly received a wonderful, sovereign, perfect deliverance from the scorching sting of the serpent and then calmly, with a triumphant spirit, read and sang with [Procopius] the canons of Octoechos and Menaion, stichera on the praises, pronounced the litany of apprehension and petition with dismissal (there is a little on it embarrassed and hurt); Before the reading of Christ, Sveta, during the first hour he was embarrassed, but through the prayer of repentance he was healed again and said the prayer indicated sincerely, with peace and release. He served with the greatest, extraordinary boldness. Oh, if only I could always serve with such boldness before all people! The enemy strongly opposes this! But crush in me, Lord, the power of the enemy. Evening. This day has been full of miracles of the mercy of God's power for me and in me. He performed the Liturgy sincerely by the grace of God, many times he was delivered from the snares of the devil, from the thoughts and movements of the unclean in his heart, he served well in the middle and all the way to the end with the great mercy of God, with tears of tenderness and a solemn voice; received life-giving communion, read the entire pulpit and the dismissal as well. Then, throughout the day, the Lord saved me many times, especially during Vespers and at the end before the christening, during the confession of many parishioners from St. Petersburg and Kronstadt. Saturday. He served Matins and a second early mass. I was honored by the Lord with repeated great deliverances from stumbling and mortal wounding by invisible enemies, when I sincerely in repentance, with faith, called on the sweetest name of the Lord. He served with tears of tenderness after the Cherubic Song. Deacon Poletaev was in a hurry. About thirty communicants. At ten o'clock in the evening I gave communion to Euphrosyne Ivanovna Kalinina and read the prayers with extreme difficulty, and some, like the Trisagion of Our Father, I did not read at all, and I also believe. This is from the weakening of the heart by gluttony among the Markovs and Shlyapnikova. I am a damned man! Driving to the sick woman with the Holy Gifts, due to my passion I did not feel the closeness of the Lord to my heart and due to inattention, but when I was driving away from the sick woman, my heart was illuminated, I thought about Who is with me personally, essentially, in the power of His goodness, power and wisdom - and I was touched in my heart, and contrition for my sins appeared, and tears flowed. So often, even in prayer, you don’t feel tenderness and read them with a cold mind and heart, but suddenly your thoughts are illuminated, your heart warms up, becomes emotional, is moved, and tears flow in hail. This change is from the Holy Spirit and the holy Guardian Angel. Glory to the Lord, who does not leave us to perish in lawlessness and in slavery to corruption, and who raises our life from aphids to incorruptible shrines, to God and to heavenly blessings that have no end. Sunday. I thank the Lord for his gracious help during Matins and Liturgy, for deliverance from the snares of demons, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the preaching and interpretation of the Gospel. While performing the farewell prayer for the departing Baron Buxhoeveden, I felt extremely unfree, shy, embarrassed; I could not read the Gospels from the devil’s cramped conditions, humiliation, and oppression. Oh, these solemn meetings for me! Just flour! At the dinner at the club, he was also not free, he didn’t make any speech, but others spoke, many, many. I still feel the saving right hand of God on me today! Just before Matins and during it, the Lord delivered through the prayer of repentance, invoking His sweetest name and touching the Holy Altar with faith from the grievous wiles of the devil and my passions: I was somewhat upset with the abbot because I myself did not want to serve Matins in turn, leaving it to me, while for me it was extremely necessary due to my non-existence yesterday at Vespers, and I prepared for a worthy serving the early liturgy. At night I had a dream: I was walking along Gospodskaya Street, I saw a monk in a bad duckweed, of small stature, I ran away from him, I entered Andreevskaya Street from the school and suddenly I saw: from the hole of some vessel (I think, my heart) a very long ropey white worm was erupting with the speed of a whirlwind, the back end of which I did not see, and I thought: what kind of reptile was nesting here, but it suddenly turned to me and enveloped me with its front end at the end, but didn’t wrap himself around me. In vain I was yesterday at an ungodly dinner in a club where music was blaring. In vain do I please the belly: through this I suffer a lot from the villainy and deceit of the demon. How the evil one tormented me today! Only God’s immeasurable mercy helped me get rid of his dirty tricks. I have many idols of my heart, to my deep and just regret. For while serving God and outside of service, my heart is deceived by various persons and objects, and in my heart I want to unite the incompatible: God and the adulterous and sinful world, creation and Creator, truth and lies, virtue and vice or passion, love for God, the supreme good, the supreme beauty and truth with love partial to creatures, to persons, to empty things. What is especially absurd, senseless, ugly, stupid and ungrateful here? The fact that I, the image of the ineffable glory of God, which I carry in my soul, cleave with my heart to corruptible things, although beautifully designed by the Creator (or made by human hands), turning into dust and corruption, and not to my incorruptible Prototype, not to the virtue that He requires of me and likens me to Him. After Matins and early mass. I offer my heartfelt thanks to the Lord, who delivered me during Matins from the torment of passions and evil demons. The subject and goal was the Father Superior, because of whom, precisely because of the appointment at the wrong time (at half past five) for the removal of Mardary’s wife Iv. Kalinin and his other ill-intentioned actions. For a long time I fussed with the tormentors, bringing repentance and prayer to the Lord and falling with faith and hope at the Holy Throne; finally, during the Six Psalms, I completely got rid of them by the grace of God and read the canons very solemnly. He served early mass with grace, although in weakness. Received life-giving communion. At the end of the liturgy, there was again excitement from the adversaries due to omissions of the prayer behind the pulpit, dismissal at the liturgy and memorial service - again the Lord delivered. Glory to the Lord! Sin and its culprit the devil are the complete denial of life, light, truth and righteousness, peace, freedom, boldness, purity and incorruptibility and positive eternal death, lies, darkness and darkness, untruth and slander, confusion, slavery, insoluble bonds (if a person does not sincerely repent, approaching God whole-heartedly), despondency, cowardice and despair, uncleanness and abomination, molestation. Who will willingly choose to follow sin? Who has lost his mind so much as to abandon the path of God's life-giving truth and choose the path of damned, deadly untruth? Of course, sin captivates with its charm, imaginary sweetness. But what does this charm, this sweetness turn into after committing a sin? Is it not murderous bitterness and relaxation of soul and body? Wednesday. The next day I continued to have a severe runny nose and it was as if water was continuously flowing from my nose. I feel better from the flow of phlegm and am not bothered by voluptuousness and covetousness. But what a runny nose does in me, I must do myself - to prevent the increase of phlegm by always abstaining from food and drink and keeping a fast, not eating meat and eggs, indigenous fish, and sweets. Oh, greatness, oh, deification, oh, holiness, oh, the beauty of human nature in the person of the God-Man Lord Jesus Christ and the Mother of God, Ever-Virgin Mary! O all-blessed Mary! From Thee, the all-blessed God, clothed all of me, man, and, having dressed, united to Your Divinity with an ineffable union 140. Oh, wondrous, indescribable, supernatural unity! People who died and are saved! How do you appreciate such condescension and mercy of God towards you? What do you render to the Lord for all this? Are you trying to live in accordance with such high dignity? Do you strive for unity with God, for repentance, removal from sin, for correction, for virtue, for holiness and purity, for love and mercy, for abstinence, for humility, gentleness, for patience, hope, courage in sorrows, illnesses, deprivations, impartiality to visible and transitory things, for the hope of the resurrection of the dead and the life of the next century, for endless deification and bliss? If not, then think about what you are losing through your lack of faith, unbelief, laziness and negligence, through your addiction to ghosts? A person who has died in soul is a living being, and it hovers invisibly near the body and in the places where it loved to stay, but if it died in sins, it cannot help itself to get rid of their bonds and needs the prayers of living people, especially the Church - the most holy bride of Christ. So, let us pray for the dead sincerely - this is a great benefit to them, greater than a benefit to the living. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me during Matins, who delivered me from passions and who revived my soul by falling down and kissing the Holy Altar in repentance. Wednesday. Evening. I thank the Lord for the inexpressible mercy shown to me during the service of the Liturgy, and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries to my revival. But the enemy guarded me and sought to kill my soul, and caught my poor, passionate soul during the funeral service for Euphrosyne Kalinina, the servant of God, precisely while reading the prayer of permission, with biased thoughts about the dinner party and gluttony, confused and wounded and darkened my soul, so that I could not read the prayers, I was embarrassed and soon ended with an amenem. Then I sincerely repented of my sins, falling to the holy throne, and in mercy the invincible Lord had mercy on me, granting me peace. Before the evening meal at home, a great temptation was repeated: I lost the key to the writing desk - to the box in which I kept my diary, money and other things; I often go to this box, and suddenly I have to, but I can’t. There was so much embarrassment, irritation, secret resentment towards the family, how much walking to Gostiny Dvor to pick up the keys, and not one came up, despite the filing; Finally, the janitor Ivan sawed off and adjusted my key to the writing desk, which he also picked up at the time after the first loss of the key six months or more ago. I was very happy. I thank the Lord. Meanwhile, regarding the loss of being angry, I greatly offended the Lord in the person of the beggars who asked for alms from me when I ran for the keys in irritation and annoyance: I sent one beggar to hell (oh, insolence!), pushed another hard, and scolded others. I sincerely repent to the Lord both of my addiction to my treasure, from which I lost the key, and of my anger and insolence, of stinginess, pride, lust, pride and other sins of all. Evening. I thank the Lord for the immeasurable mercy shown to me in the church upon touching the Holy Altar, when in repentance I cried out to the Lord for mercy and to grant me peace and freedom, which I had insanely lost through anger at the beggar and hitting him in the face for his persistence. The Lord, invincible in mercy (I said this in prayer), delivered me from spiritual death. Then the Lord showed me His mercy during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism at the old man Kalinin (Mardarius), when disembodied enemies overcame me, weakening my heart with fear and binding my heart and tongue, not allowing me to say prayers. Then, after the christening, the Lord had mercy on me when, wounded by my enemies for not pronouncing the last litany and dismissal, I turned to the Lord in secret prayer. The heart weakens terribly and dies from anger, malice, hostility, sweets and love and lust. The One God must be the treasure of our hearts, He is everything to us. It was with great difficulty that I read the prayers of the sick Elisaveta Semyonova. The enemy weakened the heart with fear. In textbooks on the Law of God (for example, on divine services) there is some food for the mind, but there is none for the heart and active strength: they are dryly written, and our tripartite soul demands that the textbooks also contain abundant food and sweetness for all three forces of the soul. Oh, how beautifully, desiredly, and wisely our church services are organized for the whole year! Above all praise! But how it attracts every soul to God when it is done with feeling, rationally, blissfully, unhurriedly. (It is harmful to eat a lot of Revel sprat: the blood and juices become very sharp and torment me; it gives me nerves.) Due to early mass today I was subjected to the greatest temptation - embitterment towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, although she was a communicant of the Holy Mysteries - embitterment due to my impatience and poverty of love and humility and for her excess of love and respect for me, expressed both before and today, expressed in the extremely frequent kissing of my hand, while I had to rush to class and while many others were kissing. Like a beast, Satan sank into me with his teeth, and I suffered for a whole hour from the serpent’s poison in me, until through sincere repentance I got rid of it and cleansed myself of it, bowing to the mercy of the Lord, who was so angry with me after the heavenly gift of communion of the Holy Mysteries by me and her. God bless! God’s infinite mercy has triumphed over my sins and over my and the devil’s malice. My repentance was accepted at eleven o'clock in the afternoon in the hall and dining room, where I still prayed for mercy and peace of my soul. Glory to God in Trinity! Glory to invincible mercy! I thank the Lord for the help I begged from Him during the service of the all-night vigil with Maria Fedorovna Kovina (I almost didn’t speak the litany at the all-night vigil, only at the blessing of water). The Gospel of Luke, the fourth conception, I read almost all the good stuff, the holy waters too, I read the canon myself. Every single one of the verses was sung to the Intercession. The all-night vigil was not without struggle. I am a sinful person, vain, vain, my own idol, and many, many things are like idols to me. Woe is me, Lord! When will You alone be the God of my heart, the Creator of the whole building 141, visible and invisible, the only all-perfect, the only beautiful, the wise, the omnipotent? Because of the uncleanness and abomination of my heart, how powerfully and successfully do invisible enemies always influence me, infusing me with wickedness, abomination, blasphemy, malice, impatience, envy, despondency and all kinds of passion! Alas for me, wretched one! Lord, have mercy and help me against evil and crafty demons! Lady, help me! God! I bring to You a tearful complaint against the spirits of wickedness, who insult me ​​during worship, and bitterly cold me, so as not to allow me to utter many often repeated exclamations, prayerful and evangelical expressions, and bitterly begging me, bringing sinful infirmities upon me for the sake of my passions. Help me, Lord, against my adversaries! Mistress, beg Your Birth, Your Son and God, to give me victory over my enemies and to serve the Lord and You without stumbling, always and everywhere! Trunev Fedor Petrovich, archpriest, from 1882 to 1886 rector of the Arkhangelsk Theological Seminary. His Grace Gerasim (Dobroserdov; 1809–1880), Bishop of Astrakhan and Enotaevsky; occupied the Ladoga See (St. Petersburg Vicariate) from 1865 to 1866. His Grace Isidore (Nikolsky; 1799–1892), Metropolitan of St. Petersburg and Novgorod from 1860 to 1892. Sata is a Hebrew measure of bread. Lieutenant-Commander is the highest rank of junior officer in the navies of some countries; in Germany and Russia it corresponds to an army captain. In the old days, it was also an army military rank, below the rank of captain. Literally – “deputy captain” (as the commander of a ship or company). In the Russian army and engineering troops - chief officer rank X class, IX class in artillery, VIII class in the guard in the Table of Ranks until 1730. In 1730–1798 he was called captain-lieutenant, then - staff captain; corresponds to a modern senior lieutenant. In the Russian Navy - junior staff officer rank VIII class, corresponding to the rank of army major. Introduced in 1713 and existed until 1884. It was restored on June 9, 1907 and abolished again on December 6, 1911. “Murganovka” is a school in Kronstadt on the corner of Gospodskaya and Andreevskaya streets, the building of which was built by the merchant Vasily Murganov. In 1783, Murganov set up a school in this house at his own expense, and in 1791 he transferred the building to the treasury. Originally a public school was located here, in 1864 it was converted into men's and women's parochial schools, which remained in the same premises. Canon to the Most Holy Theotokos before the Hodegetria icon, canto 8. Building (church glory) – creation, creation.