Август 1883 г.

Morning. Ninth hour. I thank the Lord, who has now shown His great mercy in me through a secret prayer of repentance for the sins of harsh treatment (with a poor old man who arrived from St. Petersburg for a passport and turned to me with a request for help; “Here there are many of our own beggars, and you came from St. Petersburg to burden me with a request,” I told him and gave twenty kopecks reluctantly, [to] get rid of myself), in the sins of pride, pride, impatience, stinginess, gluttony, satiety and drunkenness. Glory to the most merciful Lord! Glory to His goodness! Nine and a quarter o'clock in the morning. Again I sinned the same, damned one. Again he repented secretly - and again he was pardoned by the Most Merciful and served a memorial service for Yakov Ivakinsky, who died of wine, sincerely, without stumbling, without fear from the devil. Glory to the Lord! When presenting the service, it is imperative to give a detailed understanding of the great, sacred and Divine union and of sincere prayer for each other. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to read and sing with inspiration the canons and stichera during Matins and to perform early mass, also without stumbling before saying prayers to the communicants. I Believe, Lord, at the end of which and at the beginning of the second, the enemy-tempter weakened my heart in the face of my wife and sister-in-law with their children who received communion today. After that, I felt death in my heart instead of the feeling of life, peace, sweetness, which I was granted in the communion of the Holy Mysteries; I felt the violence of the enemy, its snake sting, confusion, tightness, dumbness when reading some of the words of the prayer behind the pulpit and dismissal. But after being released, I secretly repented and called on the Lord with all my heart to deliver me from enemies and sin with His Blood, and the sovereign, all-saving right hand of God appeared in me, I came to life and was freed from the hands of my enemies and rejoiced in the Lord. God bless! He served the memorial service freely and ordered his leave. Ten o'clock in the evening. I glorify the miracles of the Lord that were performed in me this evening before the christening and during the christening at [Dunaev’s] house (in Ushakov’s house), to whose apartment I came from the House of Diligence after a conversation with the girl, weakened in heart due to the movement of the flesh, but having prayed with fervent faith and repentance to the Lord in secret, I have now received purification, peace, boldness, and dignity. During the christening, I was tempted by a handkerchief (an amazing addiction to earthly things), but then I condemned myself, asked for help and deliverance sincerely, and the Lord revived me. At the prayer service with Alexei Machigin, he also triumphantly triumphed over enemies and passions, serving the prayer service peacefully, with boldness and strength. At the prayer service in the apartment of Paraskeva Ivanovna ([in the house of] Gerasim Murashov), I also repelled the spirits of malice from the heart with faith and repentant prayer - both during the prayer service, and especially after the prayer service (anger towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina). A tangled rope of heaven, earth and hell. There are no dead: all are alive through the resurrection of Jesus Christ, the Conqueror of hell and death. Let us strive so that we may inherit eternal life, just as the saints inherited. You see how many witnesses there are of eternal life, you see how they labored and were not deceived in their hope. When saying prayers or confession before communion, I believe, Lord, and I confess... I hesitated, was embarrassed, and fell, because my heart was weakened by gluttony of various kinds in St. Petersburg. Continuous fasting and prayer are always necessary for a Christian. Two women arrived from St. Petersburg on the evening of August 4, and after the prayer service I was at a reception in the house of Gerasim Murashov and again I was not ready - I could not read the prayers due to my weakened heart through gluttony. I have sinned against the Lord! The demonized woman, over whom I read incantatory prayers in church, convicted me of my extreme moral unworthiness, saying: this is why they respect you and praise you, because you read a lot; I will not listen to you, I will not go out - and in fact, I have no works of piety: every day I please the many-passionate, hostile flesh with my food, drink, clothes, distinctions or decorations, bestowed from the authorities according to my search, I serve God and wealth, which is impossible according to the false word of the Savior [Matthew 6:24; Luke 16:13]. Yesterday I was treated three times to my good parishioners and spiritual children, three times I made a sacrifice to my idol - multi-passionate flesh, constantly making friends with Belial through many different lusts and passions. The enemies of salvation are not asleep. While performing the parting confession and communion for the sick Daria Filippovna Murashova, due to my gluttony and demonic violence, I could not pronounce the initial prayers and appeals to the Holy Trinity, the doxology of Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and now... and others at the end of the prayers and was put to shame. Woe to me, a sinner! Transfiguration. After early mass. Glory to the Lord Jesus Christ for the miracles of His mercy and power performed in me, a sinner, just before the liturgy in church after I venerated the Holy Altar several times with a secret prayer of repentance for forgiveness of the sin of anger and secret bitterness towards the prosphora for not preparing a large prosphora for the Lamb and the communicants of the Holy Mysteries, of whom there were up to two hundred. I repented of my cowardice and of the ruin of the entire law of Christ, which is love, humility, meekness, and kindness. And so the Lord delivered me from hell, from the poison of the serpent, from the flames of hell, the Lord delivered me from the tightness of hell, and I served the Liturgy, thanking God, cheerfully and calmly, although not without some [agitation]. I just read the end of the prayer behind the pulpit, and also the dismissal. I thank the Lord, who performed miracles of deliverance and salvation in me in the house of Kudryavtsev (opposite Gostiny Dvor) at the tailor’s before and during the prayer service: the Lord delivered me from the relaxation of the devil, shame and oppression, with which the tempter killed me during the prayer service at Gostiny Dvor before the image of the Savior (during the speaking of the Gospel and the Great Litany of the Blessed Water). I thank the Lord for help and strength and deliverance from cramped conditions before serving the prayer service with Nikolai Vasiliev, the fruit grower, and for the bold, sincere, easy service of the prayer service. In the evening, during the unction of Ivan Ivanovich Ilyichov, he could not pronounce some prayers and litanies due to the resistance of the devil (after the funeral dinner at Yegorov’s on the mountain), and when reading the Gospels, the adversary did not allow him to pronounce the moralizing final instructions of the Lord. The fight is strong. I visited Lieutenant Alekseev in the evening, read and talked pleasantly and very intelligently. Before leaving for a visit, I was subjected to acute temptation from Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina because of my impatience and passion, self-love, pride, and dislike: in anger I called her a saint, but, wounded by the sting of the serpent, I sincerely repented to the Lord and received peace and freedom. Our prayers are pleasing to God especially when we diligently call upon the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy Angels and holy saints of God, who pray to the Lord for us day and night, as intercessors for ourselves. Our prayers are unworthy and weak because they are impure, lacking in faith, lazy, cold, and absent-minded. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who has now accepted my repentance of secret hostility towards Father Peter’s Lutheran servant [Inna] because she is not respectful to me, like Orthodox women. The adversary mortally wounded my soul with the breath of his malice, but I immediately rose up by the grace of God and flowed with repentance to the mercy of God and thank the Lord, who changed my heart, forgave my sin and gave me peace. Grant me, Lord, to love everyone, to pray for everyone sincerely. After the second early mass. I thank the Lord, who accepted my secret repentance in anger at Father Paul the rector for his cold greeting to me in response to my greeting of respect: I condemned myself in the impurity of my heart and in falling away from love through an empty, unfaithful incident, and the Lord had mercy on me, and I served the liturgy quite calmly, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries, which revived me. He read the prayer behind the pulpit briskly, and said his entire dismissal. Lieutenant Colonel Alex gave communion in Pesochnaya Street. Pavlovich Semenov, a short prayer service was served. There were temptations, stumbling from enemies; He overcame them through prayer and was reconciled. Walking through Catherine Park, I was sometimes upset by the disrespect of the acquaintances I met and one gray-haired lieutenant colonel. I condemned myself for lack of love, self-love and pride, anger, I asked the Lord to change my heart, and He changed it, turning evil into good. In the evening, going outside the gate of the western wall for a walk on the rampart, I was pursued by one beggar (sick mother), to whom I gave a ruble yesterday, and before I gave forty kopecks a day. I told him: here’s a ruble for you, don’t come to me tomorrow, be content, it will be enough for you for two days, but he didn’t listen, he came and started begging; I got angry and pulled him down the hill with great effort. But by this I angered my God, embarrassed and wounded myself, killed myself internally and began to diligently repent and call on the Lord, asking for forgiveness and goodness in my heart. And - oh, goodness! oh, miracle! - I again made peace with the Lord and with my conscience and received peace and boldness. Glory to the mercy, goodness and prompt obedience of my Lord and goodness, for He has changed me with a good change. A woman came to me in the evening, at six o’clock, a young soldier, the mother of a family, who, due to drunkenness, had been subjected to demonic treachery and almost killed her three-year-old daughter at night at the instigation of evil demons. She came to me so that I could pray with her to the Lord for deliverance from wine and evil demons and for her well-being. We prayed and thanked the Lord, who did not allow her to commit this terrible crime. Monday. I thank the Lord, who many times during and after Matins delivered me from demonic anger (against the meek and humble Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina) and from demonic scorching and who granted me salvation, peace, silence, and righteousness. Oh, how insidious and evil demons are, how wicked they are! How they seek to destroy everyone! And how many suicides happen at the instigation of demons! And not to count from the multitude. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. Now I have received spiritual and physical integrity through heartfelt repentance and invocation of the all-saving name of the Lord Jesus Christ, out of love at the sight of the naked breasts of a young virgin, my niece, reclining in bed facing the bed. I thank the Lord, who has granted victory to His truth and righteousness over absurd untruth and lawlessness and who has pacified my heart. Oh, how glorious, omnipotent, saving, powerful, victorious is the name of the Lord! In the mouths of martyrs and martyrs, hierarchs, saints, and even the apostles themselves, even in the mouths of the very Hypostatic Word of the Lord Jesus Christ, we hear or read very often the words of the psalms of David - as the broadcasts of the Holy Spirit speaking in the prophethood. So extensive was the use of divinely inspired psalms. They, the psalms, came into widespread use in Christian worship among all Christian peoples, especially among Orthodox Christians. The psalms bless, prophesy, glorify and thank God, comfort faithful souls, teach repentance, prayer, patience, generosity, courage, truth and holiness, mercy, kindness, meekness and humility, and trust in God. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy and power, for His good obedience, benevolence and kindness towards my unworthiness, when I, in heartfelt repentance of secret hostility to the servant of God Vera Pavlovna, who stood on the balcony, and to her father, prayed at home on my knees for the change of my heart from hostility and bitterness to goodness and for forgiveness and erasing my sins, He bowed down to mercy, bestowed forgiveness, goodness, calmness, boldness, and with new embarrassment before the memorial service for God's servant Catherine in the House of Diligence, He again gave peace through fervent prayer and the strength to pray sincerely, with articulate, clear pronunciation of all prayers. God bless! I continued to have diarrhea for a whole week, and nothing could stop it. Have mercy on me, Lord, and heal me. Evening. I thank and extol and glorify with my heart and lips the all-good and benevolent Master of my Lord Jesus Christ, who quickly had mercy on me when I cried out to Him with all my soul in true repentance for the forgiveness of my sins - my anger at a beggar who came to me as if to repent, but in fact was carrying a paper and, as it turned out, asking for two rubles - supposedly for marriage, but in reality, probably for drunkenness. I gave a ruble, angry, but did not give another: I was excited and embarrassed, killed, but grace pacified and revived. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. God of miracles and Lord of mercy! I thank You with all my heart, delivered by You, for Your multiple greatest mercies towards me, a sinner, shown to me this day, starting with the early liturgy, during which You repeatedly revived me, killed by my sins, and gave me tears of tenderness, and a loud, clear voice in service, faith, tenderness, tears, sublime thoughts, non-judgment communion, victory over nasty thoughts and devilish confusion both during mass and prayer service. The enemy tried very hard to steal my heart through sight and voluptuous movements of the flesh, but was defeated by inner prayer. Then the Lord showed His mercy and power in me during the performance of holy Baptism at the sailor’s house in the first wing (Martha Mikhail, pious mother of the child, successor Nikolai Vas., fruit maker, and Evdokia Egorov.). Then the Lord delivered me from the hellish sting of anger at the Father Superior for the hasty service (Little Vespers with Compline): I was so upset that I secretly prayed that he would not be written in the book of the belly for swearing at the Divine Service and boasting of his negligence. The Lord also had mercy on me through the prayer of repentance at the beginning of the all-night vigil, for again I was upset with the abbot for his pharisaism or, more correctly, lack of faith in anything holy, for which I myself will answer to God. May God grant me to pray with love for him, may he have the best thoughts and may the Lord give him faith, may he turn him from an enemy of pious people into a lover and friend of them. Again, after the all-night vigil, the Lord delivered me from acute anger at Anna Gerasimovna and the rector because the latter claims that women do not understand my reading, and the former is incapable of answering him; and the Lord also saved me from new anger at the women who were walking with me from Voronina in the rain, when a soldier ran into them, and they did not know how to answer him. Each time the Lord accepted my repentance and saved me quickly for the sake of His name. Father Abbot Pavel Trachevsky, with a crafty and evil blasphemous intention, served Little Vespers with Compline for only a quarter of an hour and then boasted, like a stupid or spoiled, depraved schoolboy, to one woman that he deliberately ordered the sexton to perform the service rather in order to prevent me from singing and glorifying the Risen One and His Most Pure Mother. May these words be directed at his head, the archpriest, and may he not be justified in them if he does not sincerely, deeply, and with tears repent of what he said. In these words one can see blasphemy against God and the Mother of God, and hatred towards me, a sinner, for my piety, and contempt for the service of God and for the people ahead, whom he considers not to understand anything. Oh, it’s morally difficult with such a boss, who does not create, but corrupts! But I thank the Lord, who inspired the ardent love of many sincere parishioners and outside laymen for me precisely for [...] piety and zeal for service, subjected to such strong temptation and blasphemy from my brother and, alas, the rector of the church and the brethren, the rector, enriched beyond measure by the labors of his brothers - mine and others! For he himself does very little work in the church and in the parish. Morning. I, accursed, proud, self-indulgent, do not know how to love even those who sincerely love me, and for their slightest mistake I get irritated with them, scold them, despise them, not to mention those who hate me (Father Pavel, Philip Stepanov, the Sidorovs Nikolai and Ivan and some others, mayor Rykachev, etc.). But grant me, Lord, to love everyone with unhypocritical, constant love, in You and for Your sake, but I do not love with hypocritical love for the sake of self-interest, for the sake of the beauty of my face, for the sake of pleasing me, for the sake of acquaintance, the simplicity of my title. The love of my parishioners and parishioners includes all my needs, even the smallest, and willingly and generously satisfies them. God! I thank You, who breathed into their hearts such ardent, strong, selfless love for me, Your unworthy servant and their servant. All-Holy Soul, Comforter, Life-Giver, Source of true love, I thank You for the gift of their love for me and I pray to You, grant me true love that never falls away. Yesterday many times I got excited, upset, and angry at those who came to repent. Deliver, Lord, from bitterness forever. Day of the Glorious Dormition of the Mother of God. I thank and extol my Lord Jesus Christ, who destroyed in me yesterday at the beginning of the all-night vigil the demonic anger or hostility towards the two Fathers Paul - Trachevsky and Lamanov - as a result of my secret, deep, sincere, reasonable repentance and who gave me sublime thoughts and feelings with deep peace in my soul and sincere goodwill and love for the said fathers. In fact, we are brethren among ourselves and brethren of the Lord Jesus Christ, members of Christ and members of each other, and we serve one greatest cause of salvation and sanctification of people and must, more than anyone else, have mutual love for each other: By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another [John 13:35]. We are all, so to speak, half-brothers, for we were all born by one Mother - the Holy Church of God (although for many the very concept of the Church has been eclipsed) in the holy font, we all have one all-good Heavenly Father, we say one prayer, Our Father, Who art in heaven! I thank the Lord, who destroyed similar hostility and anger towards Father Pavel in the house of Grigoriev [and company] (in the apartment of Evdokia Leontyeva in the second hour of the day) after a secret repentant prayer to the Lord, and who delivered me from confusion, and hellish tightness, and hostility, and who bestowed goodwill with peace. I thank the Lord, Shepherd and Visitor of our 132 souls, who improves my spiritual home. I also thank the Lord for delivering me from the sting of voluptuousness that began to scorch me at twelve o’clock in the afternoon after the girl’s caress to me, whom I caressed; Having prayed deeply and repented, I received deliverance, freedom, peace, cleansing and healing from the Lord. I thank the Lord for his all-powerful and all-good help during the service of the early liturgy in the cathedral, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the kindly delivered teaching regarding the weekly Gospel (I only said the end of the prayer behind the pulpit). After mass, about twenty people received communion. In vain I was angry with the Father Superior, a kind, meek, peaceful elder, firm in service and in life, as fair as possible. If he sins in any way, may the Lord admonish and correct him, just as he admonishes and corrects me, and may He grant us mutual love and peace, and may He destroy all the snares of the devil. Evening of August 15th. The Lord performed great miracles of goodness, strength and salvation in me during the cathedral liturgy in the Assumption Church, repeatedly destroying the devil’s evil despondency in me and granting me deliverance, peace, silence, boldness and justification through intense prayer of repentance. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness during and after the celebration of the Holy Mysteries and who made me worthy to partake of them in a non-judgmental, life-giving way. Oh, what heavenly bliss I felt upon communion of the Holy Mysteries - I am perplexed to say! So what? I soon lost such bliss when I carelessly performed baptism with Alexei Machigin, a merchant of Kronstadt, for I was in a hurry with my thoughts and heartfelt desires for a festive dinner with the elder Neustroyev Leonty and because of gluttony I despised, alas for me, the work of God, I did not perform the Sacrament peacefully, unhurriedly, but in great confusion, haste, with the omission of many petitions in litanies and the prayers themselves during exorcism and baptism. But oh, the immeasurable mercy of God! When I sincerely repented of this neglect, addiction to the belly and haste, the Lord forgave me and gave me grace to go to dinner in peace. It is impossible to work for God and mammon, and I think it is senseless to combine both works. It is as if the Holy Church cannot get enough of the amazement at the ineffable glory of the Holy Trinity - the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and therefore repeatedly throughout each year glorifies Her, both in short doxologies and in the most extensive ones: Glory to the Father, and the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and in prayers, and in priestly exclamations, and in hymns, and in teachings or words and conversations. And indeed, to sincerely glorify the Holy Trinity is my insatiable bliss, unspeakable joy and sweetness. Evening. I thank the Lord for the quick, unspeakable mercy shown to me by His goodness upon returning from the widow Olga Afanasyevna Karpova and Feoktista Alekseeva with heartfelt repentance for thoughts and feelings that violated the purity of my soul, acquired during the service of the liturgy at the request of the said widow Olga and especially upon communion of the Divine life-giving Mysteries. The demonic sting has been removed, the wound of the soul has been healed, confusion has been removed, as well as tightness, and rightness of heart, peace, freedom, boldness, health, lightness, strength, light have been granted, and life has been given instead of death. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord for the kindness and unfaltering performance of the early liturgy by me with a free voice and heart, and for the uncondemned, unshakable communion of the Holy Mysteries with faith and love, and for the service of the requiem. There was a lot of temptation and anger during the liturgy and at the end of the memorial service, anger and temptation on the part of the adversary, and through repentance and living faith in the atoning Blood of Jesus Christ, I got rid of them; for this and for all good things, glory to the Lord Jesus Christ, who overcomes my sins with His mercy, which surpasses iniquity, and with His goodness. When the spirit of malice was affecting me, I prayed for Father Paul and for myself, that the image of God in him and in me may not be darkened or corrupted by any sin or vice or passion, but that it may [brighten] more and more always by Thy grace, O Lord, [to] the glory of Thy holy name, to the salvation of him and mine and all Thy faithful. Five o'clock in the evening. Glory to the victory of God’s grace over the devil’s malice in me, twice clearly and powerfully quickly revealed in me through fervent repentance and calling on the name of the Lord: once at two o’clock at home and another at five o’clock, when I sent the sick St. Petersburg Gabriel and Evdokia, young people, away from me, after praying to the Lord. O surpassing goodness, Lord! Glory to You, create my salvation. Behold, Lord, I commend myself and my nephews, offended by my wife and sister-in-law and her children, to You, the righteous Judge: I waited for my nephews like the clear sun; they arrived, showed up to me in my home, and my sister-in-law, my pupil, and her children, my pupils, and my wife dishonorably drove them away for no reason at all. Let it be measured to them by that measure, the same measure [Luke 6:38]. But enlighten, O Lord, the eyes of their hearts, blinded by carnality, satiety, laziness, malice, pride, ingratitude, deceit, selfishness, insolence, disobedience and hatred. Give them their sins into their bosom, so that they may know not only mercy, but also Your righteousness and Your terrible judgments. Eight o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who made it possible for me to serve prayers during the great sorrow of my soul over the insult inflicted on my dear nephew by my wife, sister-in-law and her children, my pupils. The Lord moderated or completely took away my grief and gave me unfailing service. Pray for the dead as for the living, for they are alive and after the separation of their souls from their bodies, pray sincerely, wish them as much as possible, sincerely, fervently, forgiveness of sins and rest with the saints, for they can no longer help themselves, and because our sincere prayer for them is a very pleasant sacrifice to Christ, the common lover of mankind, Judge, Redeemer and Savior of all, and also because if we are sincere pray for them, and we ourselves will be worthy of the sincere prayer of others and we will have mercy from God. With the same measure you use, it will be measured back to you [Luke 6:38]. About the unity of believers in Christ and those who belong to the one Orthodox Church, about like-mindedness, about mutual love and help, about the common resurrection, about the common coming to the World Judgment, about the common ineffable heavenly inheritance. God! Let your destinies turn from the path of malice and untruth to the path of goodness and truth my wife Elizabeth and my sister-in-law Anna, the widow, with her children raised by me, so that Your image, according to which You created them, may not be completely eclipsed in them, may it not be completely distorted by malice and rancor, pride, envy, hatred of man, self-interest, ingratitude, gluttony, fleshiness, laziness, for they grew fat beyond measure from idleness, rest and laziness and frequent eating and drinking. May they not completely go astray, Lord, may you not be completely angry with them, but may you humble and humble them, may they grieve and cry - and with the children who are taught pride and malice, for You will righteously exact the sins of their parents on their children. Humanity requires pity and pain for those who sin, for those given over to malice, envy, pride, and ingratitude, as being in the power of the devil and under the wrath of God, ready to punish them. And I need to feel sorry for my family, who act vilely towards my relatives and bitterly offend me on behalf of them. Father! Let them go, they don’t know what they’re doing. Let me remember the words of the Lord: love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who use you and persecute you [Matthew 5:44]. If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink: for in doing this you will heap burning coals on his head [Rom.12:20]. If you do this and do not take revenge yourself, then the Lord Himself will take revenge on those who offend unjustly. Do not avenge yourselves, beloved, but give room to the wrath of God. For it is written: Vengeance is Mine, I will repay, says the Lord [Rom.12:19]. Evil demons try in every way to extinguish our spirit, either with melancholy and despondency, or with laziness and absentmindedness of thoughts, or with the worries of life, or with passions: malice, pride, envy, rebellion or greed, gluttony and drunkenness or voluptuousness. We must continually repent sincerely to God and warm our cold souls through prayer, contemplation of God, reading the word of God and the writings of the holy fathers, almsgiving and other good deeds. After mass and after prayers at N. [...] and in the House of Diligence in the classroom before the start of teaching. I thank the Lord, who destroyed the sorrows and tightness of the widow in my soul at the beginning of the liturgy, after the great entrance and especially at the end of the liturgy, the prayer service in the church and the memorial service and the distribution of the antidoron, when Olympias came to me another time with a bent palm, and I was upset with her for that, and the devil entered through this to torment me and tormented me terribly until I repented and prayed and By the faith of the Lord and faith in the Holy Mysteries, he drove him away by the power of Christ. I thank the Lord, who destroyed all the machinations of the enemy. The enemy has succeeded in nothing against me by the grace of Christ. Received life-giving communion. I thank the Lord that it was not my nephews who offended my family in any way, but my family who insulted my nephews, for which I was offended and for which I grieved, for God is for the offender and for the offended God, those who are offended will suffer righteous punishment, and those who are unjustly offended will receive a reward both here and in the future life, for the Lord says: those who offend... will not inherit the Kingdom of God [1 Cor. 6:10], and: by what With the measure you use, it will be measured back to you [Mark 4:24], and again: Vengeance is Mine, I will repay [Rom.12:19]. I thank the Lord, who softened the rough hearts of my household with His grace. How great and strong is His mercy! Always remember the words of the Lord's Prayer: let us leave our debtors - and be kind to those who offend, do not take revenge with a single thought or a single evil feeling on those who offend, be simple and gentle, like a child, so that you may enter into the world of God and into the Kingdom of Heaven, prepared for those who are kind. Saturday. Carrying out the body of a real school student Andrey Vishnyakov. Four times the ethereal enemies of the human race offended, wounded, killed me internally: before the departure, at the litany, after the departure, when I did not pronounce the exclamations of the litany and dismissal separately, at the litany at the real school, finally outside the gates, when at the litia, also out of embarrassment, I did not pronounce the litany and dismissal. And every time after each wounding and killing by evil demons, when I sincerely repented of my cowardice and timidity and called on with all my heart the mercy of God or the all-redeeming sweet name of the Lord Jesus Christ, He sovereignly delivered me, healed the ulcers of the soul, struck and drove away my fierce and never-sleeping persecutors, reviving me. For these miracles of the Lord in me, I glorify Him, thank and extol Him. My heart is weak and vulnerable from my gluttony and drinking a lot of wine (sherry) during spiritual conversations. Have mercy on me, Lord! I glorify God’s immeasurable mercy, which was revealed in me again and again in the evening during Vespers and Compline (on Sunday) in deliverance from confusion and oppression by the enemy after Vespers and prayer to the mother in labor in the Savelyevs’ house (I easily pressed the throat of a beggar who was annoyingly pestering me). Then from new confusion and cramped conditions and a fire of irritation at the poor mother of the family, who asked me in a letter for seven rubles (and I gave with indignation (sinned) two rubles), and finally for anger at Father Pavel the rector because of the slander and slander that I was delaying the decrees of the consistory. Strongly, with all my heart and all my strength, convincingly, with faith and hope, I repented to the Lord and prayed, and the strength of mercy defeated the multitude and severity of my sins, I was pacified and revived. Six o'clock in the evening. Saturday. A humble, repentant prayer before God before the All-Night Vigil for my sins and in grief at Father Pavel Trachevsky brought the Lord and Father Paul to my mercy: he asked me not to be angry with him, saying that he did not mean to upset me at all. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the tightness at the beginning of the all-night vigil and for the grace of abundant tears; then for deliverance from oppression and shame after the Gospel, which was not read at the end due to fear of the devil; then after the dismissal of the first, then the second; after the all-night vigil, when I fell to the holy throne; then in the Vladimir Church from overcrowding and sorrow. What an abomination in the mouth after eating two eggs and two glasses of milk in the evening! This is overkill for me; I must maintain strict abstinence, so that I will be a pure vessel of God. A bruised reed he will not break, and smoking flax he will not quench [Matthew 12:20]. I am a cane, I am smoking flax. Say all prayers, all words of prayers more willingly, more heartily, sincerely, ardently. The rituals of our Orthodox Church during the performance of divine services at home and public are significant and instructive. For example, the sign of the cross, performed in a well-known manner, depicts the entire essence of the Christian faith: the trinity of the Divine Being, the incarnation of the Son of God and the unfused and inseparable union in Him of two natures: Divine and human, the redemption of us from sin by His cross, the destruction of the curse deserved by our sins, and the granting to us in Christ of blessing and all the strength for life and godliness [2 Pet. 1:3], all the blessings we ask from God, for it is said: He who did not spare His Son, but delivered Him up for us all, how will He not also freely give us all things with Him? [Rom.8:32]. Therefore, with what attention, understanding and feeling should the sign of the cross be depicted? And the incense of the holy altar, holy icons and those standing before them is so significant and instructive! The incense smoking and spreading throughout the church means the life-giving grace of the Holy Spirit, overshadowing with His influx all who sincerely pray and resting forever in the saints, whom He made saints and rests in them; a burning censer means our heart, in which faith, hope and love for God, for His saints and us for each other should burn, that with a burning spirit we must pray, glorify, thank the Lord, the Mother of God, the holy friends of God; the incense of the Holy Altar, the Holy Gifts - the Body and Blood of God, holy icons expresses our living faith and reverence for God and the terrible life-giving Mysteries, for the Mother of God and the holy saints, our living, holy prayer connection with the heavenly Church, our faith in the prayerful and patronizing participation of saints in our public and private prayers, means that they are always alive and are with us, means greeting and reverence for them and confession that they are fragrant with the grace of the Holy Spirit. The coming of the people means greeting and respect for us and the confession that they are fragrant with the grace of the Holy Spirit, means the good wishes of the Mother of the Church to her children, so that they avoid the stench of sin and are filled and fragrant with the grace of the Holy Spirit, all virtue, all the fruits of the Spirit: faith, love, prayer, meekness, humility, kindness, self-control, purity, mercy, condescension to each other, self-denial or rejection of passions and lusts - anger, malice, envy, covetousness, hard-heartedness and stinginess, intemperance and fornication and other passions that bring a demonic stench into the soul, which prevents the Holy Spirit from dwelling in the hearts of people devoted to passions; The incense of the servants and the people also signifies due respect for them as members of the Church and Christian members. So significant and instructive are the rites of our Holy Church. The burning candles on the throne depict the uncreated Trinity Light, for the Lord lives in the unapproachable light, and the fire of the Divine, burning up our wickedness and sins. Candles in front of the holy icons of the Savior mean that He is the true Light, enlightening every person coming into the world [John 1:9], and at the same time the fire consuming or reviving our souls and bodies; candles in front of the icons of the Mother of God mean that She is the Mother of unapproachable Light and at the same time Her purest, fiery love for God and love for the human race, that She carried the fire of the Divine in her womb and is unburnt and eternally carries within Her the fire of the Divine that has settled in Her. Candles in front of other holy icons mean the saints’ fiery love for God, for whose sake they sacrificed everything that is dear to a person in life, and even their very lives, like the holy apostles, martyrs, etc.; mean that they are lamps that burn for us and shine with their life, their virtues, and our fervent prayer books before God, praying for us day and night. Burning candles mean both our ardent zeal for them and the heartfelt sacrifice that we offer to them out of reverence and gratitude for their intercession for us before God. Our bows to God and the saints mean our faith and humility and reverence for God and the saints, contrition for the incessant falls and a strong desire to stand firmly in faith and virtue, which is what we ask from God, who gives everything to those who ask with faith and zeal. The Lord gave me the greatest peace of mind yesterday at a memorial service at the [Korolkov] priest after many and difficult temptations of the devil and passions, from which I got rid of by touching my lips with faith to the Holy Altar in the cathedral and in the Vladimir Church. God bless! And at the funeral service I mourned myself, a dead man, and then prayed for the deceased servant of God Nadezhda. Sunday. I saw, I saw, Master Lord, Thy wondrous salvation of my unworthiness, when I was extremely gravely, mortally tempted at the prayer service at Bazhenov’s at nine o’clock in the morning, hastening to the baptism that was to come in the church, and in vain worried about my order and the precious cross worn on myself (so as not to get dirty, not to smoke from the incense - oh, insane addiction and falling away from God due to decay!); The prayer service was crumpled up somehow, ugly, and short. But in church I sincerely repented, falling before Him who sat on the throne, and the Lord had mercy on me. He performed baptism properly, but in the end he lost his head because of his scarf and did not pronounce the Gospel, prayers, litanies, or dismissals. Then he read the fortieth prayer decently, calmly; missed the words in dismissal - he was again hurt, then again he repented, falling before the One sitting on the throne, and the Lord had mercy this time too, especially after the proskomedia and at the beginning of the mass, which he did not do cordially and calmly (To the Heavenly King, Glory in the highest, etc.). I served Mass with copious tears because of my many sins, and with a burning spirit. At P.P. Preobrazhensky's christening, they were forced to perform baptism (father Al. Lebedev and daughter are his successors). Al's father's wife. Catherine was holding the child; I was very embarrassed, I had not prepared myself by abstaining and staying awake (I had lunch and slept), I crumpled up prayers and litanies in a completely painful position, I barely finished from the temptation of the adversary - because of what? Because of one two-kopeck piece given to the cab driver: I was stingy, [addicted] to money. But the Lord, through the prayer of faith and repentance, mercifully revived me again, killed by my sins. I was cheerful, despondency was driven away. All beings, visible and invisible, rational and irrational, animate and inanimate, heavenly and earthly, are called creation, as created by the Creator. Gluttony and drowsiness, love of money and covetousness overthrew me fiercely while performing the Mystery of Baptism in the apartment of P. Preobrazhensky. Monday. I cannot express the greatness of God’s mercy shown to me today during the service of Matins; Just yesterday the ethereal enemies defeated and put me to shame twice, in the morning and in the evening (at Bazhenov and Preobrazhensky), and I had not strengthened myself since the evening - I did not serve Vespers, although I served a prayer service quite cheerfully and sincerely for [Vassa] in the Semyonovs’ house. Today I expected a new onslaught of spirits of evil and was not mistaken: they attacked me, overthrew me, frightened me, weakened my heart with fear, and then with mad anger against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, very kind and pious, but I struggled in repentance while diligently calling on the name of the Lord, and only at the end of the canon did the Lord deliver me for my secret prayer. The adversaries stung my soul extremely venomously, lashing out at me with malice and anger, irritation with Kovrigina. But finally the truth and love of God triumphed. I got rid of the evil wolves and served Matins magnificently and victoriously. Glory to God, my Savior. At the beginning of the mass in the Vladimir Church (cathedral) for the late Nadezhda Korolkova, it was very difficult for me, I felt that my heart was covered with the dead ashes of passions; I vividly felt my damnation, poverty, abomination, blindness, nakedness, damnation; I thought: I am serving the liturgy, reading such lofty prayers, imbued with heavenly love for humanity, listening to the same litanies - and I do not have a sublime spirit of love for humanity, but am imbued with soul-dead egoism, given over to voluptuousness, ambition, vanity, greed, carnality, envy (I envied the fact that the singers sing better than the cathedral ones). Vladimir Church and almost the entire material situation is better here). Yes, I was imbued with a feeling of my spiritual poverty - and I humbled myself, and was touched, and shed tears, and God did not despise my contrite and humble heart. He visited me with His mercy, peace, ease. And throughout mass I prayed sincerely and received communion in a good, life-giving way. But when we went out to the funeral service, I soon met the gaze of the old maid, my spiritual daughter Paraskeva Kovrigina, who was looking at me almost motionless, and I secretly became embittered with her that she was pursuing me everywhere, albeit with spiritual love, and the enemy wounded me and killed me, and I began to condemn myself, begged to spare me, the damned, from his hellish breath and to breathe in love, and the Lord had mercy. So it was at matins in the cathedral today. Oh, what a deadly, painful breath of the serpent, the ancient murderer! All the more strongly should we hold on to love and peace, truth, meekness, and kindness. At six o'clock in the evening he administered unction to Vera Gavrilova (her grandmother's sister). Oh, the struggle with the enemy was difficult all the time the Sacrament was being performed, but I overcame him, the accursed one, while reading prayers and the Gospels. The litany did not speak, the Holy Father read the prayer secretly, only the last one out loud, he said the whole dismissal. Our adversary the devil every day brazenly and tirelessly opposes us in all good things, plotting hellish intrigues when we pray at home or in church; especially resists the clergy in public prayer, when performing the saving Sacraments, with two hearts and trying not to allow them to pray sincerely, peacefully, reverently, holyly; when we do some good deed, for example, give alms (here is stinginess, annoyance, bitterness, contempt, unkindness), and in general in all good things, trying to sow in the heart absent-mindedness, daydreaming, passion, laziness, reluctance, despondency or grief towards our neighbor. What is needed is great faith, humility, serpentine wisdom and dove-like integrity [Matthew 10:16], patience, unfeigned love, enduring everything, never falling away. We, called by the faith of Christ to incorruption, to spiritual, eternal life, are usually seduced by our enemies with earthly things, presenting them with beauty, sweetness, or seducing us with wealth and worldly comforts. But a Christian must look at them with the gaze of Christ as decay, as nothing that can irrevocably pass away or be taken away from us at the hour of death of the body. A Christian must strive for eternal, spiritual goods, despising temporary ones, made up of perishable matter. Everything will burn up at the end of the world, the elements, having flared up, will be destroyed, the earth and everything on it will be burned up, says the Apostle by the Holy Spirit [2 Pet. 3:10]. And it is the adversary who turns our gaze away from eternal life, chaining, precisely chaining, our hearts to the temporary, the insignificant, the false. Sin (in its countless ramifications) every day incessantly offends us, confuses, binds, oppresses, corrupts, disgraces, ulcers, darkens, enslaves, kills, violently tearing us away from God, the Source of life and all good, and meanwhile we cling to him, fulfill his destructive lusts, and the will of God - holy, perfect, blessed, wise, all-good - we do not fulfill. God! Enlighten the hearts of people, drive away from them the deep devilish charm and darkness and teach us to do Your will and in every possible way reject the will of our adversary the devil. Show Your power throughout Your whole world, enlighten the whole world with the light of the mind of Your holy Gospel, so that Satan will not always offend us. It is enough for him to cause mischief in Your world, in the hearts of people; His wickedness committed in the world is countless. How long will he resist You? How long shall Thy creation curse? I thank the Lord, who gave me physical and mental health after an evening sleep at home on August 22, Monday (the funeral of Nadezhda V. Korolkova). Before that I had a headache. Tuesday. Why have I hitherto, madman, not mortified my flesh, in which all sorts of evil, pernicious, godless passions nest, and not only do I not mortify, but in every possible way I please it with carnality, gluttony, lust and delicacy, ambition, vanity, contemplation, love of money, laziness, drowsiness, malice, envy, impatience and other things? Why do I feed carnal passions that kill the soul and separate us from God, from the eternal life? I thank the Lord for the Lord’s extraordinary help to me during Matins, which I served in turn; Many times in cramped conditions and spiritual sorrow I fell to the holy throne with repentance and the prayer of faith, and only through prayer did I finally overcome the ethereal enemies who tormented my soul with melancholy and fear. During mass, the Lord was also kind and merciful to me, repeatedly showing me His salvation, especially at the beginning of the service (oppression and mortification of the spirit from enemies) after the great entrance (due to the large amount of incense in the censer), after the celebration of the Holy Gifts, after the communion of the maiden Catherine, offended by Satan. At the beginning of Vespers, the Lord also, through my prayer, delivered me many times from the wiles of the enemy. It was easy to baptize in church at first, but then enemies began to make it difficult. The Lord consoled me today by confessing the mercy of God to one trading peasant in St. Petersburg, Kornily Alexandrovich, who was healed of a terrible pain in the pit of his stomach as a result of my prayers and communion of the Holy Mysteries in my cathedral; He could neither sit nor lie down, he was treated for a lot of money and could not be healed, the doctors declared his illness incurable, and after confession and communion he was completely healed. Glory to the Lord! With tears of tenderness, he thanked the Lord (and his wife) for deliverance from a painful illness (Bolshaya Italianskaya, house number eight. Restaurant). God! Grant him the request of his heart, grant him something to live with physically with his family. Wake up! Do not prefer anyone or anything to the Lord during or not during service: let the Lord always be the only treasure of your heart; Do not cleave your heart to anything, to any creature, rational or irrational, animate or inanimate, unless, however, to a rational one, but only in God and for God’s sake. For example, to a friend for the sake of his piety, and if the friend is not pious, even the father or mother, or wife, or children, then for the love of God we must leave them too, according to the word of the Lord [Matthew 19:29; Mark 10:29; Luke 18:29]. God and eternal life with its eternal truth, with its eternal peace and joy are most precious. Lord help me! Physical health can also be an idol, and if someone or something, in your opinion, threatens it, then we give in to anger because of it. Idols of the heart are persons or things that are somehow physically precious to us, and harm or deprivation that threatens them arouses in us anger, annoyance, indignation and separates us from God, to Whom we prefer physically known persons and things. You need to be wise in your attachments: you can’t become attached to everyone and not everything. God alone is the object of complete affection. Wednesday. This day is full of grave temptations from fierce demons, and full of God’s mercy and salvation for my damned soul. During the Liturgy, a dark force took possession of me four times, and the same number of times the Lord, through my secret [prayer] and falling before the Holy Altar, delivered me from demonic possession, from sorrow, tightness and death of heart and gave me peace, freedom, strength, warmth, life. In the gymnasium, he twice solemnly delivered me through secret prayer: once from anger towards Paul [...], another from [...] a little girl. Oh, what purity of heart is sought from us! Thank God for the speedy rescue! And then during Vespers and after Vespers, during the confession of the St. Petersburg women, especially Alexandra Vasilievna, with whom I was angry for her frequent trouble with confession in connection with my parish affairs; It was a grave, acute temptation in my [anger]. With difficulty I begged the Lord, and the enemy pressed me tightly before and during the christening of two illegitimate twins. But through faith, repentance, and secret prayer, the Lord drove out evil demons from me, and I calmed down. How many times do I change every day and am never the same: now pure, now unclean, lascivious, now benevolent, now envious, now kind, now angry, now quiet, now irritable, now wise, now absurd and mad, now courageous, now fearful, now calm, now confused, now tall, now low, now hard, now weaker than a leaf of a tree, now weaker than a leaf of a tree, now weaker than a leaf of a tree, now weaker than a leaf of meadow grass. Thursday. Morning. I thank the Lord, who showed me all-merciful and all-powerful help over the fierce evil demons who cast me in their anger against the reader Mikhail Dobryakov for disagreeing in singing (against his will) and against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina after Matins for the fact that she seemed to make it difficult for me, bringing St. Petersburg residents, merchants and their wives to my apartment. I repented wholeheartedly of my malice, to which my adversary incited me, and the Lord, for His immeasurable goodness, had mercy on me, granting forgiveness and peace. Glory to You, Master! But deliver me completely from the devil’s malice and teach me constant meekness, quietness, goodness, humility, patience, condescension, goodness, mercy, compassion, generosity, courage, equanimity, peacefulness, obedience for the sake of the Lord, for the sake of truth and His holiness, for the sake of the salvation of men. I thank the Lord, who performed wondrous signs of His mercy towards me during mass, for He repeatedly revived me, mortified by cruel sins and humbly repenting and falling to the holy throne of grace, and made me worthy to partake of His Holy Mysteries without condemnation and to give communion to six people (from St. Petersburg). On the way to the gymnasium, when I met the Morozovs, Evdokia Semyonovna and her niece, and for their, perhaps, apparent pride, I secretly became embittered and sincerely repented, the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow, soon hearing and having mercy on me. And how much deliverance there was during and after Little Vespers, before and after confession, at the prayer service after the all-night vigil in the house of Varvara Semyonovna Shulennikov’s sister! Everywhere the mercy of God followed me and saved me. I sinned before the Lord in the Markovs’ apartment by speaking sharply and disrespectfully about the rector, Father Pavel, for his lack of faith, love of money and ridicule of the pious communicants who often went to church, and of those who came from St. Petersburg from Sennaya Square and from other localities. He, Father Superior, like some righteous man, proudly laughs at human weaknesses. And he condemns and blames me for accepting the weak and healing them with prayer and the Holy Mysteries. Forgive me, Lord, for my sin that I spoke harshly and disrespectfully about the abbot. I thank the Lord for hearing, helping and delivering me from demonic oppression and fear before reading the Gospel about the meeting of the Blessed Virgin with Elizabeth and at the end of the all-night vigil. God is in the midst of You, Most Holy Lady Theotokos, and will not move forever and ever. Holy is Thy church, O Lord, that is, Thy uncreated Mother, wondrous in righteousness [Ps. 64:6]. Plant and establish in me the truth, Thy righteousness, O Lord my God, and turn me away from unrighteousness and sin. I wasted away in lawlessness, born and raised, and spent my whole life in negligence and lawlessness, desecrating my body and soul with countless sins. How crafty, fast, persistent sin is in all its countless forms and ramifications: I see, so to speak, through his eyes, and I think and feel with his evil thoughts and feelings, and I move my will secretly according to his all-destructive, crafty will, although soon, having come to my senses, I repent of this and diligently resort to the Lord of the belly and the source of truth and holiness. Terrible evil, most cunning, destructive evil is sin in us, the descendants of Adam, only the new Adam - the Lord Jesus Christ delivers from it. Saturday. I offer heartfelt thanks to the Lord for His glorious, all-powerful help to me, insignificant, weak, many-passionate, during the service of the Liturgy, for deliverance from demonic intrigues, for the granting of tenderness and non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries. But when the deacon came out with the Holy Chalice after my communion, and I began to say I believe, Lord, and I confess... - I noticed the approach (as it should) of Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, and the enemies, the disembodied spirits of malice, caught me, showing anger towards her - for what? - for her frequent communion, for the fact that she often bores me with her confession and, most importantly, with her bows and kisses of my hands and feet (she spoiled me), - in a word, with her immeasurable love and disposition towards me, her humility, her meek goodwill, kindness, selfless patience, her good reputation for me (too much!), for which I should love and respect her deeply. I could not say the prayers before communion, and in the cramped state of the enemy and the confusion of sin I gave communion to women and virgins; I read the prayer behind the pulpit only at the end and then during the prayers of thanksgiving after communion, standing at the Holy Chalice and tormented by demonic malice, I repented and prayed secretly for mercy, deliverance, forgiveness, peace and salvation, which I received from the Lord after the most intense calling with faith and hope. Vast spoke already quite calmly, although not quite boldly. Last night I had a dream that the cathedral and our church house burned down (it was lying on its left side) and that ditches had already been dug to lay the foundation for a new cathedral. Oh, how I felt sorry for the church! Alas! I desecrated my inner church with gluttony and intemperance: on Friday at Sobol I ate everything modest. Forgive me, Lord! In the morning. Before Matins (against Kovrigina, who stood at the gate), during Matins and after it, during the prayer service to the Iveron Mother of God, and then outside the church, dozens of times of anger at one or the other, dozens of repentance and dozens of deliverance and healing, pacification, revival, renewal, revival from the Lord. What shall I render to the Lord for everything? How can I, a creature, thank the Creator, a guilty one, the Most Righteous Judge? God! Grant me not to sin, not to become embittered, to be meek, humble, and patient. Why don’t I say anything with love to Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, but everything with irritation and contempt, with reluctance and impatience? And she is God’s chosen one, loving the Lord and me for His sake infinitely. I must listen to her with patience, eagerness and humility. (Remember Catherine and Lyubov at the liturgy.) During Matins, at the end of the canon, he became embarrassed and was hurt by a vindictive and malicious thought against the abbot and could not pronounce the small last litany and petition; he repented before the Great One, joining with faith to the holy throne, and got rid of spiritual trouble, and pronounced the litany; At the prayer of Christ, the true Light went astray at the end, and stole the release. He served the entire mass with boldness; however, at first there were great infirmities of the spirit, which passed away from diligent calling on the Lord. He received life-giving communion, and after mass he gave communion to five women. I read the prayer behind the pulpit with great sincerity, warmth and boldness. The enemy presented Kovrigina’s appearance and actions to me in an extremely outrageous manner, although there was nothing outrageous in them, but everything was pacifying and loving, benevolent. It’s terrible how enemies tempt you with their slander and malice. After early mass. I glorify the Divine, invincible strength and speed of God’s mercy, which always overcomes the strength and speed of the devil’s malice in me and delivers me from hellish fire, oppression and sorrow. How many times today has the Lord delivered me from spiritual trouble! Once before the very early mass in the Duma Church (regarding grief towards the beggars and Paraskeva Kovrigina), then at the beginning of the mass, after the Great Entrance, after the mass about the stealing of liberation, then before the consumption of the Holy Gifts (crowding and sorrow), upon leaving the church (Kovrigina and Anna Gerasimovna), in the customs office at a prayer service at the inspector's and at home when the beggars were refused drunkenness. Marvelous are Your mercies, Lord Lord! You again and again had mercy on me at the entrance to the gates of [Gromov’s] house from Citadelskaya Street, when I was walking out of the city from a prayer service with Afanasy Gavrilov. Here at the gates You removed the demonic burden from me and gave me righteousness, peace and freedom of heart. You gave me faith, determination and boldness to pray for your sick servant George (Egor Pavlovich Repnikov). Then again, when I came home, You freed me from new stumbling blocks and heartfelt bonds and gave me peace and sleep. Then, during the baptism of the weak baby John at the tanner Zechariah I. Sidorov, You delivered me from the caustic machinations of the demons and granted me victory over my enemies. Kovrigina is sincerely and deeply devoted to the Lord. God bless us. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy during and after early mass, when, as a result of my thoughts about traveling to St. Petersburg on the first ship, my heart miserably doubled during the service of the Liturgy and my strength and the light of my eyes left me [Ps. 7:11], but I strained my faith and lamented in my heart about the greatest absurdity of this duality, about my betrayal of the Lord, about the installation of the worldly, selfish views in place of the Divine. Then the Lord had mercy on me and allowed me to find peace in my heart in Him alone. He finished mass calmly. Received life-giving communion. On the ship the enemy overwhelmed me with the evil despondency that weighed me down. I secretly repented, prayed, and the Lord healed me (at home, the German woman looked at me wildly for some time; they were three sisters; the one who looked at me wildly probably came from Germany). He returned from St. Petersburg unwell and sick. Diarrhea of ​​the worst kind: twenty times a day I went to relieve myself; It started in Oranienbaum, then on the ship, then at home, four times at night, five times in the morning, six times in the afternoon, four times in the evening. Every Christian, especially you, priest, be faithful to God in all your thoughts, feelings, in all movements of the heart and will, flesh and spirit, be holy in all your life, remembering the words of Scripture: be holy, because I am the Lord your God who is holy [Lev.11:44]. Hate every sin with all your might, love truth with all your might. Be sincerely kind to everyone, condescending, merciful, quiet, kind, humble. He was extremely ill from debilitating diarrhea and lay in bed, having served Matins and Mass with great difficulty. A doctor has been called in to stop the diarrhea. The liturgy revived me. Without her, what would have happened to me! I didn’t go to the gymnasium. Visitor (Church Slavic) – bishop, overseer. Whole (church glory) – healthy; simple, pure, immaculate.