Март 1881 г.

Resurrection. I was subjected to extremely acute and serious temptations this morning when leaving the house from the side of sensuality and an evil, unclean, lustful view of the virgin; but through deep and intense repentance I got rid of the painful state and from internal sin; further in church, during Matins and early mass, three times I was subjected to an extremely grave, soul-dead temptation from the side of greed and the hostility of the devil: twice regarding the Degtev clerk’s failure to pay retribution 28 for confession (before the all-night vigil and during the singing of stichera and irmoses) - I forgot the word of the Savior: freely you have received, freely give [Matthew 10:8]), and regarding non-existence in confession with me (I believed that before it was with me) of the girl merchant Morozova, who had to receive communion! Oh, extreme blasphemy against the Sacrament! Oh, a heart taught to covetousness and not caring for souls and not having selfless, evangelical, holy, undying love for people! Oh, absurd love of money, destroying faith and love! Oh, gross gluttony, which also destroys faith and love, for because of gluttony and satiety in the evening (at Evdokia Agafonovna’s) I was subjected to such acute, severe, deadening temptations. I struggled long and hard with these temptations. For a long time I came to God for mercy, especially regarding the fierce temptation because of Morozova, and glory to the unparalleled mercy: the Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from the devil’s jaws in which I was. At home he became angry with his wife, on the street with the beggars, after early mass there was again sorrow, again repentance - and again deliverance! God bless. Evening. Ten o'clock. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the sorrow and distress that righteously befell me for the lie to my wife, which I told when I came home to her question: where have I been? I replied that I was at the Fedorovs’, while I was at Golubev’s house. The Lord accepted my threefold strengthened repentance for this and gave me peace, freedom, space, boldness, lightness. Another time I sinned while walking around the yard and reluctantly, out of annoyance, giving alms to the beggars. Again sorrow and oppression and death of the soul, again intensely, deeply repented - and again was pardoned with the gift of peace, lightness and freedom. I received the greatest deliverance from the mercy of the Lord at the evening (six o'clock in the evening) memorial service for Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov from the oppressive, deadly tightness that followed in me when leaving the apartment of the widow Evdokia Leontyeva (in the Murashova house opposite the church building) after a momentary unclean view of women's roundness. For a long time I walked and suffered with this sin, finally the Lord accepted sincere repentance and had mercy on me, giving me peace. I praise the Lord, the all-righteous, who tortures 29 and from me righteousness in everything and punishes unrighteousness. At night, terrible news was received about the assassination of the Emperor by a torpedo while he was traveling in a sled from the Mikhailovsky Manege 30. I thank the Lord, the Lord of my life, who revived me, killed by the sin of anger towards the poor, hard-heartedness and stinginess. The Lord again accepted my repentance, had mercy on me and gave me peace. Glory to the Lord! Confirm this Thy grace in me, Lord! Eight and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who this very minute delivered me from the lust of my heart through looking at a woman’s face: with all my heart, fervently, I repented of the corrupting movement of my heart. Evening. I received many, many blessings today from the all-merciful Lord through the prayer of repentance: firstly, in the morning at ten and three quarters of an hour (before the litany according to Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov) I got rid of embarrassment, crampedness, cowardice and demonic fear and was honored with peace and boldness and unstumbling service to the litia; secondly, in church, during the Presanctified Liturgy, I got rid of the murderous breath of hostility towards the rector, which penetrated into my soul because of the crafty view of the rector’s habit of lorning 31 in the Missal, which he does due to weakness of the eyes, and I imagined that he was putting on airs out of pride and vanity, and I hated him; Only as a result of ardent repentance and faith in the Lord did He deliver me from this deadening breath and give me peace. Then the Lord saved me more than once, especially during the funeral service, strengthening me to utter the entire exclamation. I became convinced that Father Superior was a simple and kind man, extremely measured and self-possessed, and behaved with great tact, dignity and courtesy in the company of the laity and his brethren. His equanimity is amazing everywhere and at all times and in every place. He is worth respect and love, obedience and trust. Learn, O priest, to perform the Liturgy every day as God wants - with a peaceful, heavenly, burning spirit, a grateful heart, pure, good, bold, firm, unblemished, not earth-bound, 32 loving ardently the Lord God, all the saints and all those near and far. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for his great and rich mercy to me during Matins - for repeatedly delivering me from deadly sorrow and oppression and from the foul breath of the all-filthy serpent, who tormented me with the filth of the flesh. For the first time I was struck by cramped conditions and death of heart for my severity, stinginess and hard-heartedness towards the poor. By repentance, I bowed to the Lord for mercy and deliverance of me, many-passionate. At home, the Lord delivered me from the creeping uncleanness. If you sincerely love your neighbor, then you will never hate him or defile him with any sin, especially fornication, but with all your heart you will wish him truth and holiness and protect him, as much as depends on you, from sins or save him when he has already fallen into some sin, correct him and guide him along the path of virtue. You will observe the same thing about yourself if you love yourself correctly, for we are all in the image of God, and the image of God is holy: all are temples of the Holy Spirit, all members of Christ, all are called to communion with the Holy God in light and blessedness, all are called to an incorruptible, unfading inheritance, reserved for us in heaven [1 Peter 5:4]. So, flee morally from absurd passions and lusts that defile you and others. Hate the voluptuousness of the flesh, which you still love, oppress it with labors, prayers, fasting, vigils, and alms. If men always remembered that their seed is their strength and their life, and its loss is weakness, illness, defilement, then they would fearfully flee from the dangerous games of imagination and voluptuous images and pictures and would take care of it, especially their heart, like the apple of their eye. Ignorance and voluptuousness, and even more lack of faith and nihilism, destroy many people, especially young people, breaking their strength at an early age. The sweetness of copulation is given as an encouragement and reward for the sake of unhindered creativity through the legitimate husband and wife of the human race, otherwise the creation of children would soon be stopped, for they strive for the sweet, but run away from the bitter. In the word for the next, Second week of Great Lent, introduce the idea of ​​the death of the righteous (Solomon's parables, proverbs), the idea of ​​eternity, and borrow thoughts from the stichera of the martyrs. In the presence of men, even if they suffer torment, their hope of immortality is fulfilled 33 [Wis.3:4], not like the nihilists - only terrible despair. What does the future life mean in comparison with the present moment? May God grant you to go there trustworthy. These are the last times about which the Apostle predicted: the last times will be fierce, for men will be evil [2 Tim. 3:1–5]. How pitiful and insignificant is [man’s] life on earth! He walks like a ghost and does not know where and how and from what he will die: some die suddenly, unprepared, others after an illness of more or less prolonged and painful duration, others will be crushed by some moving weight, others from a fast-running horse, others die from a fall, others drown, others accidentally burn in the fire, others from the hand of a killer, others from a rabid animal, others from the poison of a serpent, others by himself commits suicide, some from excess in food or drink, others from hunger or cold, others at the food or gambling table, others from exhaustion through excessive labor, [... I repeat.] And is it possible to list all the cases from which death occurs to a person? The end of the word is that we should all be ready at all times for death and for a good answer for the past life, so that we avoid sin, which gave rise to death and all terrible types of death in the human race, and create the truth, which is destined for blissful immortality... But what will be the end of the villains who encroach on the sacred life of the father of the fatherland? Their end, according to the word of God, will be according to their works [2 Cor. 11:15]: if they somehow escape the punishment of earthly justice, then they will in no way escape heavenly justice. But it is terrible to fall into the hands of the living, immortal, eternal God [Heb.10:31]. With the measure with which they measure, it will be measured to them [Matthew 7:2; Mark 4:24]. All who take the sword will perish by the sword [Matthew 26:52]. If the government does not punish, then they will punish themselves terribly - they will commit suicide. But, oh, if they all repented and turned to God with repentance!.. After all, even the murderers of the Lord, if they repented, would be saved. A youth will turn against an old man, and a dishonest person will fight against an honest one. [Isa.3:5] 34. The press, photography and painting undermine the sacred principles of honor, respect for [humanity], purity and chastity, respect for parents. A powerful means of curbing evildoers is prayer to God: and the Lord prayed for His crucifiers. Prayer for their enlightenment, softening of their hearts, enlightenment with true knowledge and faith, Christian hope and love. I thank the Lord for the merciful deliverance of my unworthiness from yesterday’s deadly, all-darkening, all-corrupting lust after the prayer of heartfelt repentance. It was late in the evening. I thank the Lord for the merciful deliverance of my indecency from today’s internal anger towards sexton Bystryakov during Matins while reading the canon due to the fact that his voice organ is unpleasant to my hearing. The Lord accepted my small but warm repentance and had mercy, delivering my soul from death and granting peace, space and freedom, boldness and life. Pay attention to education. To the press, which corrupts morals... The cross is his (that is, the sovereign's) hope. He is a crusader, an imitator of the greatest crusader - the God-man. There are almost no fasts, entertainment of all kinds does not stop even during fasting, carnal passions are given scope in the press, at shows, in brothels. The rights of the Church have been destroyed, but the truth does not dare to open its mouth. Six o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me, a sinner, through the prayer of repentance from carnal lust, or from the movement of carnal passion, from confusion, from the sweet poison of the serpent, from powerlessness and torment, and who granted me purification, peace, freedom, boldness, strength, light. The Emperor is mourned with the unfeigned tears of millions of his people. This is a sign of God’s special mercy to him. This means that God loved him and the people loved him, and the people’s love for the king is the breath of the Divine. (See the prophet Jeremiah, Ezekiel, Isaiah.) Cleanse the moral atmosphere of Russia, close the theaters, impose strict fasting, close the houses of debauchery, stop all temptations, laughter in the press, paintings, declare nationwide repentance, public prayer, with common strength beg the Lord for mercy, establish strict Christian morals everywhere instead of pagan ones - and God will help us, He Himself will scatter our enemies like chaff. Do you not notice that the terrible wrath of the Lord has visited us? We have crop failures, famine, harmful insects and worms, drought destroys fields and vineyards, destructive diseases steal many victims, mortality of all kinds increases enormously. Will we still be insensitive to the wrath of God? I thank the Lord for deliverance from the crowd after the memorial service for the servant of God Michael in the house of Mogilev: out of fear of the devil and false fear, I did not pronounce the funeral service, turning my face to the people, but said almost all of it to myself, only the end was spoken somewhat loudly and turning to the icon. I repented of my cowardice and reticence of words, going with a little girl to give prayers to a woman in labor in Ekaterininskaya Street (Malaya). I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the melancholy and despondency that struck my soul after the gymnasium director’s immodest to the point of offense reprimanded me for reading newspaper news to eighth-grade students about the assassination of the sovereign (the only time when I devoted an entire class to reading a newspaper). While reading, I involuntarily cried about the catastrophe that befell the sovereign, his family and Russia. The principal was in my class (in fourth grade) like a thunderstorm, but more so for the students. I had a chat with him after the lesson. God! I am overcome with despondency and melancholy for the occasion indicated on the front page; heal despondency and melancholy and grant me complacency and devotion to You and your superiors. (The director treated me extremely rigoristically, out of passion, restlessly, making a molehill out of a molehill.) Tame, O Lord, my Lord, comfort his heart and mine, die for Your sake. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, for now You have delivered me from cowardice and from the storm, from sorrow, crampedness, melancholy, despondency and mental relaxation by invoking Your holy name and given me peace and life, freedom and spiritual spaciousness. I'm going to bed in peace. Remember, Lord, in Your goodness the head of the gymnasium, Peter, and the other employees, for whose sake I received sorrow, grant this head to ease his rebuke 35 to me, and let him know that he himself has the Lord in heaven, who searches hearts and wombs, words and thoughts. Remember to him, Lord, his sins. May I no longer be seduced by the beauty of a human face, or clothing, or anything else, as something corruptible and deceptive, desecrating and separating the soul from God. I must have only one holy, imperishable, eternal beauty - God, let me be completely absorbed in it, and be captivated forever. Amen. May I not be afraid of the strong, noble (or rich, or learned) persons of this century when I perform the Divine service and my priestly duties in general. Yes, I always fear the one Lord and the greatest and only evil - sin. Let me not be upset when I hear from the head of any unit a remark that I have omitted my duty, but I humbly, humbly and indifferently accept it: for God’s servant is for your good [Rom. 13:4]. Morning. I confess the mercies of the Lord, shown to me this morning during Matins in getting rid of the painful melancholy of my heart regarding the sharp, irritable remark to me from the director because in the very last grade (for the first time) I read from the newspaper “New Time” details about the circumstances of the martyrdom of the sovereign Emperor Alexander II, the manifesto of the new sovereign and the word of Father Yanyshev before the memorial service for the late sovereign in St. Isaac’s cathedral Repeatedly the Lord delivered me from repeated melancholy and pain and completely healed my heart. The second time the Lord delivered me, upon my arrival home from church, from the fire of hell and the oppression that befell me for my stingy, reluctant giving of alms to the beggars standing at the fence of the church house (twenty people had already been given alms before Matins), and irritation with the old maid Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for attributing to me a prophetic gift that I did not have. Every day the Lord renews His mercies towards me. Glory to His mercy, His invincible goodness and power! A terrible crime has happened among us: our beloved sovereign was killed by a treacherous hand. But where is the Lord? Why didn’t He deliver him from death and protect him for us until the end of his life? Has He forgotten? Has He not turned His face away from us? No, I didn’t forget and didn’t turn away. He struck us like a thunderbolt, allowing such misfortune to befall us so that we would awaken from sinful sleep, wake up, look around us, realize the abyss of our sins, repent and correct ourselves. The sovereign emperor did not receive deliverance from death, but a better resurrection will improve [Heb. 11:35]. All of Russia is crying for him, positively crying - for whom did she cry so much after the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky? All of Russia prayed for him so fervently and so many times on the occasion of his deliverance from violent death. This reflected and is reflected in the love of the people for the king and the king for the people. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me after Vespers in church from the great distress and sorrow that befell me for the secret sin of unclean imagination and lust. The Lord accepted my warm repentance and consciousness of the absurdity and madness of sin and my heartfelt disgust from it and granted me purification and peace. Eleven o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who, through prayer of repentance and godly reasoning, delivered me from the poison of carnal passion. Oh, our earthly madness, or the madness of corruption and voluptuousness! We must mortify the passions of the flesh, consider everything earthly as rubbish, smoke, feces and droppings that flatter sensuality, and be above, heavenly, holy, despising the flesh and all its passions and love the only Lord, holy, immortal, incorruptible, eternal, and people in Him and for His sake. Let us renounce earthly, worldly, corruptible views, look at the death of the sovereign with the eyes of faith, with an evangelical, heavenly, Christian mind - what will turn out to be?.. The death of the sovereign is the death of a martyr for the faith, for his people, for his beneficial transformations, which were not to the heart of many, especially proud, godless and depraved people. What is this? An open, daring war of one's own against one's own, against the king and against all his subjects? For here everyone is affected, if not physically, then morally, heartily, everyone suffers! But, daring and blind, they fight against themselves, reveal themselves against their will, reveal themselves and little by little destroy their criminal, evil seed, the seed of the Antichrist. Yes, the Antichrist, for this is his spirit. He fights against everything that is sacred to all Christians - [against] the people and kings. Having overthrown the kings, they want to introduce anarchy and gross tyranny, lack of faith, immorality, lack of rights, fear and horror. But they won't succeed. God is with us! Understand, Gentiles, and repent: for God is with us. Even if you are able again 36, you will again be victorious: for God is with us. And the word which ye speak shall not abide in you, for God is with us [Isa.8:9-10] 37. Yes, if only God were with us and we were with God. If only we would do His will, if only we would live in a Christian manner, according to the statutes of the Holy Orthodox All-Saving Church... But let’s take a good look around, is everything good with us, is it pleasing to God? Oh, there are many, many things in us that are unkind and displeasing to God. Now it’s fasting, but we don’t keep fasts, during fasting we have public amusements and all sorts of sinful consolations for the multi-passionate flesh... So we ourselves allow sin to overflow like a river drowning everything, and we bring upon ourselves the wrath of God and the terrible allowances and punishments of this righteous anger. For the terribly developed ulcer of sin, terrible moral blows are needed. And here's a blow! Everyone woke up! Everyone is crying, oohing and aahing! But is this all that is necessary? What is needed is moral cleansing, deep national repentance, a change in pagan morals to Christian ones. Let us wash ourselves, let us cleanse ourselves, let us be reconciled with God, and He will be reconciled with us and, like chaff, will scatter and destroy all the enemies of the king and the people; Let us take care of each other: the rich for the poor, the strong for the infirm and weak, we will wipe away the tears of widows and orphans crying in their hopeless poverty and often cursing their fate, reaching despair, but there are many of them, and their cries reach God. Let us give up luxury, which is the enemy and scourge of mercy and to which we so readily get used; Let us willingly share with the poor, who do not have a piece of bread, clothing, shelter, or work... Or am I boring you with my appeals for help to the poor?.. But how can I not bother you when I don’t see compassion? It is my duty to speak about this and sound the trumpet loudly and awaken in everyone a sense of mercy, because this is necessary for you. For there will be no mercy from God to anyone who has not shown mercy [James 2:13]. O God, merciful and omnipotent! Why did You, who miraculously saved our king so many times, not save him now, but allowed his enemies to kill him so horribly?.. And for him to die in such suffering?.. But You do everything out of love, truth and infinite wisdom... And we think, and believe, and hope that You allowed our beloved king to die, firstly, because we were unworthy of such a good king. He was good, and we are evil, he was simple-hearted, and we are crafty. And You took him from us, called him into the eternal Kingdom of truth and love. And secondly, so that he may appear before You in the bright and beautiful crown of a martyr, more [bright and precious] than the royal crown, and in a scarlet robe, stained with his blood, incomparably more precious than his earthly scarlet robe. This time he did not [accept] deliverance from the [almighty] hand, but he would have a better resurrection, so that he could rise more pure and joyful in the general resurrection, for with the blood of martyrdom he washed away his sins that he committed as a man; he, so to speak, mixed his blood with the blood of the Lord, shed for us for the remission of sins. Let us no longer cry for him, but let us rejoice that he appeared before the Lord as martyrs and prayer books for us. (From Solomon's parables about the righteous.) Evil sinners will get bogged down in the works of their own hands and reveal themselves, as it is written in Scripture: the sinner is caught up in the works of his own hand [Ps. 9:17]; if we do what pleases God, then God will create our will, our desire to live in peace and security; we will rest under the protection of the Lord, and all fears will disappear, for all real fears are due to our sins. Evil and predatory kites suddenly flew at our gentle sovereign and tore him and other innocent people with him to pieces and shed streams of martyr’s blood. May the Lord reward them, these kites in human skin, according to their deeds, and give crowns of incorruption to those killed - an unshakable kingdom for the king and for them. Three o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord Jesus Christ, who delivered me twice through repentance and invocation of the all-saving, all-sweet, all-loving name from sorrow and distress: once upon arriving home from matins, and the second time upon arriving home at the first hour at the departure of Mr. Mason, from whom I drank tea and a glass of wine and ate apple jam. The second time I was wounded by prodigal poison. The patron of the Church has died, the patron for whom she daily brought to God a diligent prayer for power, victory, peace, health... every enemy and adversary, for whom all of Russia so recently prayed for deliverance from death through the villains... Has the Lord really not heard the prayers of the Church? I heard and accepted... Morning. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help through my tearful prayer last night at the memorial service for the servant of God Stefanida Romashova. I was unprepared due to gluttony, because I was accidentally called to the funeral service. Glory to You, Lord, my unashamed hope. I lost sincere, unselfish love from my heart due to pride, carnality, voluptuousness, love of money, ambition, discontent, grumbling, envy, pride, vanity. When it was necessary to pray for the repose of the sovereign, I had to shed many repentant tears for myself, for my spiritual, heartfelt deadness, and only then I was worthy to pray without stumbling for the sovereign. Same for others. Alas for me, wretched one! Saturday. I thank the Lord, who showed the greatest help to my weakness during the service of the early liturgy with the communicants, who delivered me from sinful death and oppression during the liturgy and during the communion of the communicants, and after that who granted me to read with boldness, without stumbling, the prayer behind the pulpit and boldly say all the release according to my prayer for that. I thank the Lord, who gave me tearful inner prayer for my weakness, fear and cowardice, when I served a memorial service and prayer service: once in an artillery unit, and then in a mine workshop. Oh, how the devil killed my soul, plunging me into cowardice, fear, insensibility, oppression and sorrow! But the Lord bowed down to my tears and sighs and girded me from above with strength and grace and gave me the grace to perform all these services almost without stumbling. God bless! Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the miracles of mercy and His power that were revealed in me during the all-night vigil in granting me, dead from sins, repentant tenderness and tears, in delivering me from the sorrows and oppression of the enemy, especially after the Gospel (I missed several expressions at the end by the devil’s machinations), after the great dismissal and especially after the small one, during which I stole the words or names of the saints out of fear of the devil, and especially during Confessions of the peasants (out of indignation and rage that they didn’t come on time, because I had a memorial service at Romashov’s in mind). I went to the altar and repented, falling to the holy throne, and the Lord, while dead, revived me. I thank the Lord for the quick and greatest help during the funeral service. He accomplished it without stumbling, with sincere feeling and strength. Before the memorial service, I was in cramped conditions and mortal sorrow, I repented, asked to be revived - and was miraculously revived. Oh, my sweetness, Lord, true! Oh, the space of my heart, lightness, peace, freedom, strength, light, courage, nobility, height! Terrible jealousy reigns in me! The lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life [1 John 2:16]! During the communion of the laity, I was overcome by a deadening jealousy regarding certain people: here, I thought, so-and-so was with me before in confession, and now they left me and went to another confessor, they despised me. And I thought about money, that my income went to someone else. Because of my long repentance, the Lord delivered me. Yesterday during the all-night vigil, while censing on polyeleos, the devil breathed into my unclean, ashes of passions, covered with ashes of passions, desecrated, weakened and mortified heart with his hellish breath and confused, weakened, again cooled and killed my soul for the sake of my intemperance, and I burned incense without heartfelt reverence, without sublime, life-giving feelings and therefore while reading The Gospel was extremely confused at the end and could not read the end of it. And then how many times has my adversary mortally wounded my heart! How much prayer, repentance, and spiritual reasoning was needed! How much harm, infinitely much, does gluttony and the enjoyment of food and drink harm my soul! How the soul falls away from the love of God and pitifully falls into sensual, unclean, corruptible, absurd, insane, passionate, animal love! Oh, who will not please the holy reverend men and women who shone with fasting, killed passions and defeated hordes of demons! What an unfriendly, unloving heart I have! And I am angry with the Metropolitan, who did nothing bad to me, but did good, and with the first commandant [S...], also because of the most empty pretext, and with many others. I forgot the words of the Apostle: love covers everything, never ceases! Love is merciful [1 Cor. 13:4–8]! The priest must always, especially before the liturgy, be imbued with the greatness and saving power of the Christian faith, the Holy Gospel, worship and the Sacraments, in which the truth, goodness, and mercy of God towards us sinners, and the omnipotence and wisdom of God were marvelously, gloriously revealed, and shed tears of gratitude and tenderness before God, who has so loved and magnified us, and try to mutually love His deeds and the truth, doing what is holy in the fear of God [2 Cor. 7:1]. Sunday before the Third Week of Lent. This day is full of the Lord’s unspeakable mercies towards me: firstly, He gave me the word to glorify Him in preaching; secondly, he showed a hundredfold deliverance from invisible enemies and from my sinful habits and infirmities, for example, during funeral services at Romashov and Kurmashov in the morning, especially in the evening, sovereignly delivering me from the deadly machinations of the enemy in me and granting me peace, freedom, boldness when pronouncing dismissals and exclamations; During Vespers, the Lord miraculously, graciously, and sovereignly helped me before the dismissal, which I pronounced in full, that is, loudly, separately, and sincerely pronounced it all. In the evening, at the funeral services at Romashov and Kurmashov, the Lord miraculously helped me, granting me the ability to firmly and unflinchingly speak exclamations and dismissals. Monday. I thank the Lord for miracles His mercy and power in me during deliverance from the numerous machinations of the devil at the memorial service at Kurmashov and especially during the dismissal of the litany before the removal of the servant of God Stefanida Romashova, at the solemn cathedral memorial service for Tsar Alexander Nikolaevich (the exclamation was said clearly, despite the terrible machinations of the devil, who embarrassed me with absurd fear), at the litiya before dinner at the hotel “Moscow” (separate room), at Yatskevich’s christening and during the evening requiem service at Kurmashov’s (clearly all the exclamations and dismissal). I praise the Lord’s mercies to me! I glorify His goodness, quick obedience, kindness, and goodness. And how many times did the Lord deliver me from the temptations of anger through my prayer! I thank the Lord for everything! Strengthen me in You, Lord, with unceasing filial fear, so that I do not fear any of the people with false fear. For me, there is no one’s face during worship and prayer, there is one face of God, I fear Him alone, I look to Him alone, and I do not recognize anyone’s face in the church. I owe every spiritual victory, every spiritual success to the most pure, life-giving Mysteries, which strengthen and renew me, and without them I am dead, pitiful, powerless, confused. Morning. I thank the Lord for the extraordinary actions of His power and mercy performed in me during the service of Matins, which by the grace of God I accomplished without stumbling, sincerely, loudly, victoriously during the acute and painful wounds of Belial, especially when reading the canon and singing verses in the seventh tone. What wonderful poems on Tuesday in the Third Week of Lent! How vividly the sinner and his sins are depicted! What repentance! I thank the Lord, who showed in me today during the Presanctified Liturgy after communion of the Holy Mysteries the strength of His arm in delivering me from my sins, which made me dead in soul and body, extremely drowsy and relaxed. I thank the Lord, who with the same Holy Mysteries granted me a life-giving victory over invisible enemies during the funeral service of the merchant Dmitry Stepanovich Kurmashov. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to perform the Sacrament of Baptism with the merchant Molchanov in the house of Chikurova with a peaceful, free, triumphant spirit. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who showed in me today during Matins the power of His almighty arm in delivering me from the all-evil, all-cunning wiles of the devil and in bestowing salvation, peace, rightness of spirit and conscience, solemn boldness and a pure, strong, loud voice that reaches the heart of everyone who prayed in the church. I thank You, Lord, for You have granted me so solemnly, joyfully, and enthusiastically to glorify You, and the Most Pure Mother of God, and the Cross of Christ, and Saint Sophronius, Patriarch of Jerusalem. I thank You that You again raised me up after embarrassment at the litany of petition while saying the prayer of St. Ephraim and the prayer of Christ, the true Light and dismissal - especially dismissal, where You gave me glorious boldness and I said the whole dismissal with the names of the saints. And upon arriving home after matins and a prayer service in the baths of Baikov, the Lord had mercy on me for my repentance in my anger towards the poor, in stinginess and love of money and delivered me from torment, sorrow and cramped conditions and death and gave me life, peace, space, strength, light, boldness. Glory to the Lord! I thank the wonderful savior of my Lord, who saved me by the power of His arm from the dirty tricks in me of blasphemous and nasty demons, who breathed into my accursed heart while kissing the icon of the Mother of God after the entrance prayers before the liturgy, then who gave me the power of sincere prayer and good communion of the Holy Mysteries for the renewal of soul and body. I read the pulpit without stumbling, with boldness; all release. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from anger and bitterness when I came home from the gymnasium (I was angry with many beggars, and partly with my family, but I repented, and the Lord gave me peace and life, quietness, tranquility, space in my heart). I thank the Lord, who delivered me for repentance and prayer in the barracks at the citadel gates of Alexei Ivanovich, Paraskeva Mironovna and Olga Mironovna, where I came, angry at the two beggars who were relentlessly waiting for me at the gates of the church house. I should ask their forgiveness for the fact that I kept them in the cold for a long time, and yet I became angry and shouted at them. Oh, pride and contempt! Oh, cruelty! Oh, pride, carnality, love of money, devilish bitterness! Oh, worldly passions! But glory to Your invincible mercy towards us, O Lord, who has mercy on us! Belial gave me a terrible, truly hellish bath today at Matins, throwing into my heart a spark of hostility towards the sexton Mikhail Bystryakov and fanning it with hellish strength and persistence; I was killed by the poison of the devil’s malice, covered in scorching sores, I could not say the litany of petition and dismissal, but I said the entire prayer to Christ and the Light with God’s help. At the water prayer service, I did not read the Gospel of John about the good shepherd to the end due to terrible cramped conditions and the devil’s burning sensation. This is, firstly, from the tobacco-smoked room in which I was a guest yesterday, secondly, from being treated to wine and various good things (however, I ate and drank in moderation); From the tobacco air my nerves were seriously damaged, I became extremely irritable. Oh, the damned passion of smoking! But glory to the Lord, even in such a terrible misfortune that befell me for the sin of my gluttony, who did not leave me without help, but condescended to me with His mercy and delivered me, although after deliverance I again, out of evil habit, fell into hostility, which I did not want, from which I robbed myself. Glory to the all-good and all-generous Provider, who on this day has revealed His wonderful, never-sleeping Providence for the poor through His servant Stefanida Avvakumovna, who donated thirty rubles for the poor. Evening. Four hours to a quarter. Belial gave me a new terrible bath during the Presanctified Mass, and all through instilling his hellish anger into my heart, first against the clergyman, then against the deacon, although I really did not want it; violence, cursed, acts, sudden defeat of the heart, killing. Oh, what would happen to us poor people if the Lord were not in us and with us! It was especially difficult for me after the transfer of the Holy Gifts: I barely said the prayer, Lord and Master of my belly; It was hard before communion from the poison of the devil’s malice, of which I repented; It was hard when reading the prayer behind the pulpit, which I barely read with effort, but then it became easy after the battle and victory in the name of the Lord. Deacon Arseny burned incense for a long time in front of the entrance with the Holy Gifts, and I was upset. (The voice was strong, clear, loud.) I endured this hellish fire as punishment for gluttony and satiety with dignity and righteousness. But this is also good for the soul: [...] it will be cleaner, softer, more tender, loving, more humble, more patient, more lenient towards others. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to boldly perform Compline with the great Lord and Master of my life and the prayer of absolution, the Master of Much Mercifulness. Glory to His victorious grace and life-giving right hand, quickening me, deadened by my sins. Amen. Friday. I endured severe temptations and hellish fire during Matins and the hours of Vespers and Liturgy. Temptations from the sexton, his cacophonous reading and singing, and my impatience and anger. In addition, at the end of the mass, Deacon Arseny did not want to respond to my request to come out and help me distribute the antidoron; he finally agreed when I clicked on him twice from the sole. Today, during Matins and early mass, there are hellish temptations and torments, confusion, languor, terrible excitement; I’m all exhausted - this is because of yesterday’s gluttony, eating fish and drinking champagne at the christening, for the porter at home and sweet tea, in general for intemperance! And how hardened, and fat, and hardened my heart! I didn’t feel love or fear for the Lord. It was extremely difficult throughout the mass. The weather was very bad: heavy snow, slush, extreme dampness. There were more than three hundred participants and communicants. I had one hundred and twelve people at confession. During mass and communion, I was also tempted by the fact that many communicants and communicants who had previously been with me for confession now left me and went to other priests for the spirit. It was pride and selfishness that spoke to me. And in spirit, God is with them: you won’t have to answer for them. And my inexhaustible treasure is the Lord God, my vigilant Provider and Savior. Saturday. During Matins and especially during early mass, I had to endure very severe temptations and torments from the machinations of ethereal, all-evil demons, and I myself, the damned one, had given the reason for such temptations with my gluttony the day before. Extremely great moral consequences arise from apparently small causes. Oh, how close I was to fall and moral decline! What confusion! What a storm! What sorrow! What a torment! What violence! What a deadly wounding of invisible serpents! Evening. Eight o'clock. I thank the Lord, who has now accepted my repentance in anger at the servants and children, who opened the doors to my office and bedroom in my absence. The Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace, life, spaciousness of heart, freedom, boldness, righteousness! The more painful the temptations that befell me during Matins and Mass, the more gratifying and joyful for me was the deliverance of the Lord, granted to me through my prayer when I consumed the Holy Mysteries (and then I broke down and shifted for a long time, until finally the Lord had mercy on me and the demons ran away). Open the doors of repentance, O Life-Giver, because my heart and that of many people is closed to repentance, hard, cold, insensitive, dark, dead; it is necessary to open it, soften it, warm it, crush it, enlighten it, revive it. How many live without repentance! How many die without repentance! Rebellion, discontent, grief sometimes occur in me at the authorities who hold themselves proudly, especially spiritual ones! But give me, Lord, meekness and kindness! Jesus! Remove from my heart evil, crafty thoughts, thoughts of suspicion, dreamy thoughts that do not correspond to reality, blasphemous, violent, proud, envious, disgusting thoughts. Arkady Ivanovich Shlyapnikov told me an instructive truth: when, he says, I don’t give alms to the poor generously and willingly, then I have a lot of customers in my shop, and everything is fine at home: my wife respects me and my children are obedient; and when I’m not in the spirit and don’t give alms, everything turns out badly: there are either no buyers, or very few, the wife grumbles, the children don’t listen. (Nikolai Nikitin used foul language - reprimand.) Resurrection. Mid-Cross Week 38. I thank the Lord, who crowned my struggle with the victory of invisible enemies. After reading the Gospel (a pass from the deceit of invisible evildoers), after the great dismissal and after Christ, the true Light, they outraged and oppressed me, damned snakes, but the Lord healed my soul through my prayer and drove away their hordes. And during the mass after the First Remember, Lord (where they greatly embarrassed and hurt) and earlier, after the great entrance, at which he pronounced the names of the royal persons; While reading the prayer, nasty spirits hesitated and killed me with doubts regarding the dignity of the liturgy of Basil the Great. The Lord drove them away through my prayer of repentance. And when I came home and was angry with my wife, and died, and repented, the Lord revived me. Glory to God, the Giver of Life! I thank the Lord, who delivered me three times from the claws of the enemy during late mass, during the royal funeral service and after the funeral service. Oh, how clinging sin is to our corrupt heart! How deadly he is! How monstrous and absurd he is! And despite all this, we sin every minute! Oh, depravity! I thank You, Lord, who delivered me before Vespers from the corruption and defilement of mental voluptuousness when looking at the maiden: I looked to You, the All-Holy One, in the upper room of my dwelling in repentance, and You loosed my bonds and cleansed me from defilement and corruption, sorrow and oppression. I thank You for delivering me from cramped conditions and death in the eighth room of the customs house before the baptism of baby Daria: because of hard-heartedness towards the poor, I received a mortal wound in my soul, but I repented before the christening, and the Lord took death away from my soul and gave life. In Maria Ermolaevna’s apartment in Novaya Street, before the prayer service, he was also bound by sin, but through a prayer of repentance he received permission. At the end of the prayer service, sin again beset me, but on the way to the Semyonovs, after secret repentance, I again received permission and [legal walking]. Oh, the mercy of God! Oh, goodness! Oh, the benevolence and benevolence of the Lord Jesus Christ! Oh, wonderful knowledge of the heart, testing of hearts and wombs and the strictest reward according to our deeds and thoughts and undertakings! The director of the gymnasium, Janisch, extremely upset me today with his proud and stupid claims that students read a prayer upon my arrival in class, saying that this is not practiced anywhere in St. Petersburg gymnasiums and that he asked about the trustee who rejected the need for this custom, saying that time is taken away from the lesson by reading a prayer (half a minute, and he himself sometimes chats for up to a quarter of an hour in the staff room with the teachers). I had a mortal melancholy in my heart during the last lesson in the seventh grade and after that, during the way home; At home I got rid of it by praying to the Lord. May the Lord soon reward the wickedness of the evil boss, may he humble his pride with sorrow. Wake up! After Vespers. I thank the Almighty, all-generous, quick-to-obey, all-powerful Lord, who delivered me from mortal melancholy while I fell in repentance at the throne of grace in the Peter and Paul chapel of our church, and who gave me life, peace, freedom and spiritual consolation. To the director. Listen, mortal man, you are not here forever, and neither am I; you and I will not be in this gymnasium forever; we are one-day - let's not quarrel, but let's live in peace and, most importantly, in kind condescension; I am with weaknesses, and you are not without weaknesses; you are a distinguished person, and by God’s grace I am not without merit. Let's respect each other. You treat me extremely rudely, disrespectfully, with heavy rigorism, with exorbitant bossy importance, raising your voice too much. A little delicacy - I don’t want anything more from you. As for my work, I do it with extreme strength and understanding (you, of course, do not do it beyond your strength). For some time now I have noticed in you an evil disposition towards me. Where does it come from, why? As a result of conversations and discussions about me with some people who are unfriendly to me, which you yourself told me about, saying that not everyone is my well-wishers! Sometimes you express too clearly your hostility towards me and your desire to get me out of the gymnasium... Why am I despondent and grieving?.. Why do I imagine and suspect something in the director that, perhaps, is not really there? How sorrowful are you, my soul? And are you embarrassing me? trust in God, for we will confess to Him, the salvation of my face (soul) and my God [Ps.41:6]. Do you want your enemies, your ill-wishers to be favorable to you? Be sincerely disposed towards them, sincerely respectful, benevolent, sincerely humble and kind - and you will see how they will change towards you. We ourselves are often to blame for the hostility of people towards us - bosses, comrades, neighbors, family and strangers. In everything that you want people to do to you, do so to them, for this is the law and the prophets [Matthew 7:12]. So, let yourself be the measure of other people’s attitudes towards you in your own spiritual mood. God! Remember in Your Kingdom Your servants, the mayor Peter and his wife, the commander Peter and his wife, John, Paul, my comrades, Simeon, Nicholas... I thank the Lord, who delivered me from all mental troubles after I adopted this way of thinking and feeling. I calmed down, went to bed and slept well until the morning. Went to bed at two o'clock in the morning. There was a time, and God grant that it does not return, when I carried in my heart hostile displeasure and indignation at the Holy Synod and at the Metropolitan of St. Petersburg and Novgorod for his severity, inaccessibility, majesty and callousness, as it seemed to me, at two of his receptions. Behold the devil's tares! I knew that this was the spirit of the devil, for during the liturgy the adversary suddenly instilled in me confusion, fear and powerlessness of heart, combined with hostility, when it was necessary to proclaim: First, remember, Lord, the Most Holy Governing Synod and our lord, the Most Reverend Isidore, Metropolitan of Novgorod and Finland... Thus, the devil aroused the highest principles of church government and instilled in me displeasure, hostility and some contempt (alas for me, accursed one!) for the apathetic administration of the church. But is this necessary to improve things? Is it possible to use hostility and contempt to help matters, or to soften the heart, or to transform it from rough to soft, from callous to loving? It is necessary to influence them beneficially with love and fervent prayer for the Synod and the Bishop: after all, they are people like us, with weaknesses, although they are very learned, and high-ranking, and eminent. Love, love and prayer from the loving heart of the flock for the shepherds is a constructive principle, and hostility and contempt, gloating with ill will is a destructive, deadening principle both for the shepherds and for the flock, from which, O God, deliver us all forever. Memory of the righteous Alexei, man of God. I thank the Lord, who wonderfully, graciously, generously, and abundantly comforted me during Matins during the reading of the sedals, canons, kontakia and ikos and during the singing of the irmos and stichera. It was a heavenly consolation, perfect, rapturous. I thank the Lord for the abundance of blessed peace after the sadness and anguish over the rudeness of Peter Janisz. May the Lord not remember his rudeness, but may he soften his well-fed heart, nourished with rich foods that have made him fat. Show me, O Lord, all the power, all the wealth of Your atoning sufferings, Your atoning blood, shed for the world and for me a sinner, and Your atoning death on me, who sinned greatly against You at this hour (ten o’clock in the morning) with rage, anger and bitterness towards the servant Evdokia and my wife for the loss of my newspapers, which I was very interested in, bought them yesterday and did not have time to read. They were found soon by Evdokia on the table. I became extremely agitated and upset, I was furious, I shouted, I cursed, I lost my temper; After this, I felt death in my insides, sorrow, tightness, powerlessness of heart, but, having sincerely and deeply repented, calling on God’s mercy, with the indicated words I was healed mentally by the grace of God, and death disappeared from my insides. Yes, I was completely healed through fervent repentance and calling on the name of Jesus Christ with faith and hope. But we must curb passions, not allowing them to manifest themselves, and in general we must take complete power over them, as over wild animals seeking to devour ourselves and our neighbors. Love God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your strength, for if you do not love God with all your heart, then in your heart you will give place to sin and the devil, but what agreement is there between Christ and Belial?.. What is the compatibility of the church of God with idols? [ 2 Corinthians 6:15-16 ]. Let there be no sinful idols in your heart, but let it be entirely the church of God Almighty. And what an honor is given to man: to be the church of God! If you have an unrighteous, or unclean, or covetous, or evil thought, then in your soul [and in your heart] there are idols and it is not worthy of the All-Righteous God, who loves only truth and holiness. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, for the miracle and immeasurable mercy of Your salvation, revealed in me [during] the prayer service at the Grechukhins in the prayer room, precisely during the kneeling prayer, at the water-blessing litany and during the reading of the water-blessing prayer, especially at the end of the prayer service and sprinkling with holy water, when I prayed in the hall before the image of the Savior for the gift help me against sin and defeat it. The Lord immediately delivered me from secret sin, from its violence, and gave me peace, freedom, space, strength, righteousness, boldness, and dignity. It seems to you that you are eating nothing—drinking sweetly and joyfully (wine), eating fish during Lent—but the consequences, but deeds, but things themselves, but passions, but the rage of the flesh, intensified by intemperance, cry out louder than any trumpet about the harm to the soul of intemperance. What about the feces in the mouth and the stench in the stomach, and the heaviness in the heart and body? Doesn't all this mean anything? Where is the purity of heart? No, why? From delicacies, intemperance. Why does prodigal passion brazenly raise its head? From intemperance! Why is there laziness towards prayer and contemplation of God? From intemperance! Why are hard-heartedness, stinginess, and love of money intensifying? From intemperance! And the Kingdom of Heaven is closed to the intemperate. Thursday. I thank the Lord for the miracle of saving me from the consequences of anger and grief towards the Christ-loving servant of God Elisaveta Nechaeva, who was going with the image of the Iveron Mother of God to Paraskeva Ekimovna Murashova and was late in coming to her and putting us in some confusion. The Lord helped me, through the prayer of the Lady, to perform a prayer service to the Lord, the Mother of God and the martyrs Chrysanthus and Daria with grace, but some tightness and the poison of sin did not go away; After the prayer service, walking along the road, with special effort I began to pray to the Lord in repentance to deliver me from the leader of evil, and the Lord delivered me: I completely calmed down. But the moral and physical consequences of the Grechukhins’ gluttony was hard for me: eating fish (herring and anchovies), drinking wine (two glasses of sherry) and tea with jam and jam with one pancake. Evening, twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from corruption of the heart, sorrow and oppression and death of the heart and who gave me purification, sanctification, peace, freedom, space, boldness. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for repentance and faith from the cruel death of the soul that befell me just before Matins for being angry with a beggar and pushing him with my elbow, and for the good reading and singing of the canon, which delighted [everyone]; secondly, for delivering Burachok from mental death in the apartment after Matins for his unclean view of the girl’s face; thirdly, for repeated deliverance at the prayer service and memorial service for the kings in the accounting department of the port and for serving the memorial service and prayer service with the help of the Lord. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for my repentance and faith from the fornication in my heart, which killed me. The Lord granted me, through threefold repentance, purification, sanctification, freedom, peace, boldness, strength, life. Glory! I sinned by treating harshly the beggars who had been waiting for me for two hours, from nine to eleven o’clock in the evening. When I scolded them, the head of Neustroyev walked with his wife. I repent of the sins [of the horde] because they are painful, and not because they offend the all-holy and all-perfect God, my Creator and Savior, not out of ardent love for Him and not out of disgust from sin, friendship with which (solidarity) does not cease even after. Oh, sinful skill! Oh, flattery, oh, the temptation of sin, rooted deep in our hearts! Truly, sorrows, temptations, illnesses, and various fears are needed to heal the old, great, terrible ulcer of sin, if love for God does not make us hate him. After early mass. I thank You, for You surprised Your salvation on me, Holy Lord, by delivering me from the devil’s painful hostility to the Father Superior (during Matins in the Assumption Church), and taught me the prayer of love and repentance (we are members of Christ and members of each other, co-participants of the grace of Christ, performers of the most heavenly, loving, holy, life-giving Sacraments, disciples of the Gospel and those who teach the Gospel to others). You have given me, Lord, life-giving peace, grace, righteousness, freedom, space, boldness. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at the beginning of mass from the mortification of sin, who struck me for haste and insincerity in removing particles from the multitude of prosphoras and for the haste in the initial prayers before mass (to the Heavenly King and others). In repentance and prayer, I asked for mercy and peace from the Lord. Before and during the great entrance, the devil struck my heart with fear and apprehension, and again killed my soul, but through repentance and prayer before God I again received the restoration of peace, freedom, righteousness and life. I was greatly tempted while reading the prayer Yes not to court or condemnation (to the people) and during the communion of three hundred and fifty lay people from looking at Irina [Gorbno] for her apparent pride, but in essence the dignity and nobility of the spirit. I became embittered against her, and the devil killed my soul. Through prolonged, deep and tearful internal repentance, with enormous spiritual efforts, I got rid of this murderous feeling after all the laity received communion. If they had offended me in any way, then I should have been quiet and kind, but they didn’t do anything bad to me. Oh, evil demon! Prodigal! I thank the Lord, who delivered me in the apartment of Markov Yakov K. from the deadly crowding with which I struggled for an hour and a half. The reason for the deadly crowding is embarrassment in the third class. I thank the Lord, who for the all-night vigil gave me the grace of tenderness and stumbling-free service, not without temptation. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at home from the temptations of female charms and voluptuousness. Since we fell at the beginning with pride, deceived by the pride of the archangel, who raised his neck 39 before the Lord, now, redeemed from the power of the devil by the Son of God who humbled himself to the point of being a slave, we constantly humble ourselves in prayer, now bowing our heads before the Lord and His saints, now bowing our knees, now falling into the ground, and often depicting the sign of the cross on ourselves in remembrance Crucified for us, His humility, humiliation, patience, atoning passion, atoning death and life-giving resurrection. Away with friendship with corruptible, multi-passionate flesh! War to her, merciless war, irreconcilable warfare to the point of death, for she continually strives to kill my immortal soul, that which is in me in the image and likeness of God! Co-humans! Understand what I say and do the same: wage irreconcilable warfare with the flesh. If you win, you will rejoice forever. For the flesh, all those who ask for our material help are disgusting, especially if there are many of them, who are ugly in face and poor, who do not serve or indulge our pride, our passions, but do the opposite of them or expose such in us; For the flesh, beautiful things are pleasant, like everything beautiful, and it loves to gaze passionately, lasciviously at everything beautiful, turning the gaze of the soul and heart away from the eternal, essential, hypostatic beauty - God; sweets are pleasant to the flesh, but coarse sweets, delighting and irritating the flesh and turning the soul away from the eternal, spiritual sweetness - God; our flesh loves to flatter, to be servile to noble, rich, strong people, but it also fears them, although they are also flesh and blood, although they are weak, sinful and mortal. The Most Holy Virgin Theotokos is the purest likeness of the Divine, the purest likeness of Her Son and God the Lord Jesus Christ, who embraced all His perfections in full and perfectly fulfilled His commandment: Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Heavenly Father is perfect [Matthew 5:48]. Grant us, Your servants, O Mother of God, to achieve through Your prayers the Christian perfection possible for us; Pray for Your Son to be imagined in us and make us churches of the Living God. Resurrection. I sinned grievously before God, becoming embittered and irritated with a beggar boy who was not content with the fifteen kopecks given to him and asked for money for a passport (the bourgeois government should give a child for free), and through this I received a scorching, painful ulcer in my heart, which for a long time I could not get rid of even by repentance, for it was not deep, not decisive, not whole-hearted due to enchantment and hardening of the heart due to gluttony and satiety (and this [is] still in the Middle Cross week 40). But finally the Lord had mercy, granting peace and freedom. What if you came to the royal gold-embroidery shop and desecrated it with your uncleanness? What would you get from the king for this? And you defile with your fornication, with your uncleanness, not the gold embroidery, but the most precious of all gold workers of men - I mean a virgin or a woman, in whom human flesh is woven with wondrous creative wisdom and strength and goodness! You discredit the work of the highest Artist of creatures, you curse Him and His wonderful, pure, wise works! What do you deserve, what punishment?! There is nothing more absurd, more insane, more disgusting than the human heart when it remains in sin and passion. Evening. Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord for deliverance at this hour from the painful, lustful aphid, when in our dining room I looked with faith in prayer and unfeigned repentance to the Crucified One. Glory to our obedient, quick to obey, gracious and gracious God, the Lord Jesus Christ! I am ashamed of my face, for, having learned the charm and destruction of sin and that the Lord is offended through it, I continue to sin, damned one. Monday of the Fifth Week of Lent. I thank the Lord, who preserves me with His cross from the dark and voluptuous dreams of demons at night; but the enemy strongly tempts me with gluttony even at night because of my sins, for I, a sinner, please my stomach and during fasting, I eat and drink sweets and drink wine. The holy fathers wrote their spiritual works out of an inner, irresistible impulse; out of the abundance of their hearts and lips they spoke and their hands wrote. But what kind of spiritual, heavenly, holy life flourished in the holy fathers, in the holy martyrs and martyrs, in the reverend men and women and in all the saints? Wonderful, truly heavenly life on earth. Oh, if in our times such a shrine would flourish on earth, in the Church of Christ! May the Lord be the glory! Nowadays, they say, in other monasteries there is secular life, worldly life, with all the worldly rumors 41 and worldly temptations! It won't happen! After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the murderous feeling of envy and bitterness towards Father Alexander’s wife, who stood in church, remembering their large monetary savings and their stinginess and intractability to the poor. O all-absurd, all-crazy anger and envy! What are you jealous about? Because of alms supposedly, like Judas, who covered up his anger and envy with feigned, false mercy? The prosperity, contentment and happiness of your brother and his wife torments you, a low-hearted, vile slave, unclean and nasty. Why do you allow Satan, the all-evil and all-evil, all-envious, to fill your heart? Is your share small, insufficient? Hasn’t the Lord rewarded you with all sorts of gifts, heavenly and earthly, spiritual and material? If you sincerely desire the salvation of your brother and his wife, then with love, without zeal or envy, pray to the Lord for them, may he soften and warm their hearts with love and compassion for the poor, and may he dispose them to generosity, but, however, take care to be sincerely and diligently merciful and generous, give willingly, without pride, anger, irritation and grumbling. God is love [1 John 4:8], He created us in His image, in the image of love, truth and holiness, and therefore the nature of all our relationships and actions with our neighbors should be love. Oh, how did 42 anger and envy arise in me, killing me? The Fire of the Divine burns in believing and repentant Christians every uncleanness, every substance, the thorns of sin; Our God is a consuming fire, says the Apostle Paul [Heb.12:29]; pathetic, absurd, unclean, vile, disgusting, all-destructive sin flees from those who truly, fervently, and with all their hearts love God, for they hated him with all their hearts, as worthy of all hatred and contempt; in heaven, he does not even dare to appear from afar, for the shrine of the Divine trembles, terribly scorching him. God! By Your grace keep us, Your heritage, from all sin, from all spirits of wickedness that constantly seek to devour us. Most Holy Mother of God, bearing within Herself the eternal fire of the Divine, save us from all lawlessness, from all demonic invasion. God! Take away from my heart all sensual love, false, hypocritical, unclean, dark, corrupt, confused, shy, ungodly, senseless, absurd, changeable, bestial, or dumb 43 , humiliating, passionate, demonic, and plant deep in my heart spiritual, true, holy, pure, luminous, incorruptible love, worldly, heart-expanding, capacious for all people, God-pleasing, reasonable, wise, angelic, sublime, dispassionate, divine, firm, unchanging, not falling away, enduring all, covering all, long-suffering, merciful, not envious, not conceited, not violent, not thinking evil, not rejoicing in iniquity, rejoicing with the truth [1 Cor. 13:4–8]... I saw, Lord, the salvation of Your right hand in the gymnasium in the first grade, when I, in mortal distress from my stinginess and hard-heartedness towards the beggar who asked me for alms, cried out to You with a strong cry of my heart for the salvation of my unworthiness, and You quickly, sovereignly saved me, Destroyer of death and hell, Christ my God! I thank You, Lord, for Your salvation of my unworthiness in church during the Annunciation Vigil, when my heart was rough and burdened from excessive eating and drinking at the birthday boy Zechariah Kozhevnin, and You, for my repentance and faith, refined and eased it and pacified it according to Your great mercy and Your good-will, and I cheerfully stood at the service, looking at everyone. Annunciation. I thank the Lord for the greatest gracious help during the service of the all-night vigil: at the litia, when invisible enemies with their breath brought confusion and fear, powerlessness, timidity, cowardice into my soul, You delivered me, Master, from all their intrigues and gave me peace, joy, boldness; this was after the blessing of the loaves, wheat, wine and oil, during the early liturgy after the great entrance and after the watchman dropped the dish on the floor, which clanged strongly, which made me sad and embarrassed, but especially at the end of the mass, when I strongly prayed for mercy because, due to cowardice and haste, I did not read the entire prayer behind the pulpit and missed many words at the end of it. I thank the Lord for the sermon and teaching that I wrote this morning and said to the people. And henceforth do not leave me, Source of wisdom! I thank the Lord for the wonderful renewal of my being, worn out by sins; I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the revival of the most pure, life-giving Mysteries upon receiving them at early mass. I thank the Lord, who this very minute (eleventh hour of the morning) delivered me from the fire of hell and the hardship that befell me for my anger at the poor and for my stinginess and reluctance in giving alms. Glory to You, God my Savior, who delivered me through looking to You in the repentance of my heart from the prodigal, deadly sting of Satan, which penetrated into my soul from the seductive gaze of the maiden. Glory to You, Lord, my only, holy, imperishable beauty and sweetness, my shrine, my truth, my life, my bliss, my peace, my space, my light, my strength, my bold life! Six o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me from the lustful, painful aphid. I cried out to God in repentance, and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me cleansing, holiness, peace, and freedom. I, my brothers, experience a strong opposing current during worship, a current that I must strongly resist so as not to be carried away by it, not to be confused and not to confuse others, and to win in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. This flow is our sins, passions, temptations, sorrows, despondency, cowardice, fear and others. Do not be surprised if you experience such a current, but fight it courageously. The Lord is a ready Helper. Respect and elevate your archpastor in your thoughts, not only in words and actions, but do not humiliate or despise, lest the Lord humiliate you; love... thinks no evil, does not rejoice over iniquity... covers all things... endures all things... never fails [ 1 Cor. 13:4-8 ]. If at times you feel disrespect and hostility towards him for something, then know that your heart has been taken over by one who did not keep his authority, but left his home [Jude 1:6], that is, the devil, and immediately repent and correct yourself. Judge and act in the same way regarding other authorities and people in general. Humiliation and hostility towards people is the work of the devil. The spirit of the Gospel is love for everyone, meekness, gentleness, humility, patience, long-suffering, peace. I thank the Lord, who graciously delivered me during Matins, as a result of my sincere repentance, from the mortal sorrow and distress that befell me for my contempt and bitterness towards the beggar, who came to me a second time to ask for new, additional alms. The Lord gave me peace, freedom, space, boldness, righteousness. I thank the Lord, who showed me help during a prayer service at the housekeeper of the Merchant Club after stumbling while reading the Gospel with my face turned to those who stood by. Because of my intemperance, the enemy weakened and confused me, killed me, but the Lord accepted my repentance and gave me peace, strength, and boldness. I thank the Lord, who delivered me while I was at home from the unclean inclinations of the heart and flesh as a result of conversation. This creep was painful, deadly, like alienation from the holiness and life of God, from the will of God. The Lord accepted my repeated repentance with all my heart, and I was saved, pardoned, and pacified. This morning I suffered a storm of sin and some necrosis of the insides as a result of my untimely eating in the morning at eight o'clock (a fish cutlet and part of a pie with herring, one fish) and drinking sweet tea. O animal life! How will I please God, constantly pleasing my belly and feeding carnal passions? How can I keep myself from being seduced by faces and from internal voluptuousness, although I avoid external ones by the grace and mercy of God? Without destroying the cause, how can I destroy the effect? It is necessary to crucify one's flesh with passions and lusts, and first of all one must observe fasting and abstinence, for example, not eating or drinking until evening tea every day. The powers and miracles from the Cross and the sign of the cross, performed in countless cases over countless people, show the power and glory of our Lord Jesus Christ crucified and died on him, His Divinity and the fact that He actually accomplished our salvation, predetermined from eternity, by the Cross. Our daily bread is our rain this day [Matthew 6:11]; By bread we also mean bread for life - the grace of God, the powers of God, prayer, the wise writings of the holy fathers, especially the most pure Mysteries. Friday. I thank You, Lord, for the sweet, all-merciful deliverance of my soul from fierce sin: from anger towards a beggar boy, extremely nimble and playful, often asking me for alms; In anger, I tore him by the ears (my insolence!) and through this I myself was extremely wounded in my soul, lost peace, tranquility, space, boldness, became embarrassed, fell into cramped conditions; four times or more I fell before the Lord in deep repentance with faith and hope, and - O Abundance of Mercy and Generosity! “You have given me remission and forgiveness, mental health, peace, righteousness, freedom, boldness and joy.” I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace, with the greatest boldness and consolation, to read the sedals and canons at Matins and to sing the irmos and stichera in a sonorous, clear, loud, heartfelt voice, in the grace of God, for the consolation and edification of the whole church, all those praying. Grant me, Lord, to sing to You for a long, long time and to enjoy the very singing and reading of the church and to delight those who believe in You, Lord! Lord Jesus Christ, my God! From the fullness of feeling that my soul has been saved many times and on this day, I thank You for the mercy of peace and my salvation from the death of sin: firstly, in the cathedral, during my confession to the laity, when I had tightness in my heart, deathly sorrow, which disappeared after I went to the Pokrovsky chapel, I venerated the altar several times in repentance with inner prayer; it became so easy for me! Secondly, upon my arrival home from church, when I came full of embarrassment, irritation and scorching anger over the collision with beggars, often asking for alms, and the beggar's tearing by the hair and reluctant alms; I repented deeply to the Lord many times, and the Lord took away my sin from me, giving me unworthy peace, righteousness, freedom, and boldness. Then, late in the evening, walking from Golubev’s house, having met the beggars after driving them away, I reluctantly gave them alms and repented of it. The Lord healed my heart ulcer. (This was during a walk near the English church and hospital.) Finally, fourthly, the Lord had mercy on me and healed my heart ulcer, which struck me after I again became angry with the beggars, maliciously wishing for them to quickly get tired of their idle and bestial life and go to work. I repented deeply, and the Lord had mercy on me. Glory to God, our Savior! How many times am I in wounds and wounds of sin, deadly every day, so many times does my soul heal, and with it my body, my spiritual and physical physician, the Lord Jesus Christ, and to this day, after countless wounds and wounds, I remain whole by His grace and mercy! Oh, the greatest miracle! Oh goodness! O longsuffering! Oh, inexhaustible bounties! Oh, the grace of repentance! Oh, Divine mercy, not overcome by any of the most serious and many iniquities! Oh, hope that always blooms and never fades, hope that gives life to a poor soul burdened with iniquities! How much infinite goodness and mercy is poured out on sinners every time they flow to God with unfeigned repentance, on sinners all over the world, of every rank, condition, gender and age. Oh, manifestation of infinite goodness and love, infinite truth and shrine of the Divine - the Sacrament of Repentance! How many times is the sinner given the grace of rebirth after so many betrayals of God, so much malice, deceit, impurity, sinful corruption, all kinds of sin! How many times have the bonds of sin, the deadly bonds, been broken! Inner death has been destroyed so many times! So many times has hell suffered a defeat in me to the very head and to the very heart! O my deliverance, O my strength, O unspeakable goodness, Jesus Christ! O my Redeemer, Giver of Life and God! Glory to You! Saturday. With his all-corrupting, all-destructive breath, the devil destroyed my soul this day in the morning at the sixth hour, before and during Matins, during which the Akathist to the Mother of God was read; Belial unleashed his anger on me, evil despondency, suspicion and hostility towards the abbot, among other things, for why he did not invite Father Peter Klepachevsky to the Akathist, but allowed him to evade the service (I was deceived: Father Peter came), and so I repeatedly fell to the holy throne in repentance, asking for mercy, intercession and deliverance, and the Lord surprised me with His mercy - he delivered me from the corrupting breath of the serpent, giving me peace, but this peace in me was constantly in danger due to voluptuousness, my intemperance in fasting (I ate sardines in Provencal oil in the evening, drank wine, sweet tea), and I asked the Lord for approval. The Akathist read decently, but with a deadened heart, soreness, and powerlessness, and with some omissions and omissions at the end of the reading. Oh, how destructive is gluttony! The heart of a glutton is clothed in a thin crust of corruption and in deadness and coarseness, in powerlessness, while, on the contrary, the heart of a faster is spiritual, subtle, cheerful, strong, vital, light, bold. Deliver, O Lord, Your heritage - Your people from the all-corrupting breath of the devil, from dishonorable passions that alienate You from Your goodness, holiness, and life. A heart partial to earthly things (food, clothing, persons, money, earthly peace, earthly glory) cannot love God and spiritual blessings here on earth and in the future eternal Kingdom of Christ, for it is impossible to serve two masters [Matthew 6:24]. It loves its whims, or the objects of its desires, it loves itself, its flesh, corruption, the stench of the earth, the voluptuousness of the flesh. The heart of one who is partial to earthly things is extremely weak, cowardly, confused, oppressed, stormy, distressed when tempted by the spirits of malice, for it is not protected and strengthened by the grace of the Holy Spirit and cannot have It in himself unless the earthly person tearfully repents and corrects himself and thereby attracts to himself the Holy Spirit, the Comforter, Whom he never ceases to offend with his [tolerance] 44]. Alas for me, a sinner! This is how I was today when reading the Akathist to the Mother of God, and this is how I often am during divine services. Resurrection. When I came to the cathedral for Matins, before the start of the service itself, I was tempted by the following circumstance and died mentally: the altar guard Procopius declared that there were about forty-five communicants; on this occasion, the passion of greed and envy appeared and bit me like a snake: why didn’t these people confess to me, through which they lost their income (oh, madness!), although I did not know who these confessors and communicants were - simple and poor people or wealthy ones, and I should, as a shepherd, rejoice that people are approaching such an all-saving and life-giving Sacrament, and uniting with By God, they are both saved and kidnapped from the power of the devil; meanwhile, like Judas the traitor, I care about the pieces of silver (oh, damnation!). And such a stingy, passionate mood of soul killed me, and almost until polyeleos I was in a deathly state of mind, which ceased as a result of intense repentance (there was a lot of shuddering and grimacing in order to free myself from demonic influence). Then it passed by the grace of the Lord, and I came to life, calmed down, feeling the currents of grace-filled life within me. He read the Gospel without stumbling, the canon thundered, reading and chanting (irmos); while singing, the Holy Lord our God was upset with the sexton for his haste, and was embarrassed and distressed; struggle with oneself while singing praise and dismissal. Through the prayer of repentance, it passed. He served Mass with decent feelings; during the consecration of the Holy Gifts, lack of peace; before the exclamation, first remember, Lord, the confusion and hostility of the devil towards Archpastor Isidore, and because of him to the Holy Synod for the metropolitan’s coldness and contempt for the priesthood (to me, by the way, in a long time ago, but I am worthy of much greater contempt and punishment, as unworthy of the priesthood and an indecent person, and extremely proud and capricious, as has been proven countless cases with people). But the Metropolitan did not despise me, but elevated me, favored me and corrected his contemptuous treatment of me long ago; maybe he was annoyed. By the grace of God, he received communion in a life-giving manner; about thirty good people gave communion to the simple ones. I read the pulpit well. Finished well. Struggle with the use of the Holy Gifts. Victory of grace. At twelve o'clock, before leaving for the consecration of the chapel, the enemy attacked; still struggle, nervous and mental irritation. Calm through prayer. At home, the wife’s loss of her wallet, her anger at everyone, especially at the servants. My prayer is for her and for the peace of all, the fulfillment of prayer. God bless! Monday of the Week. Eleven o'clock in the afternoon. A spiritual, Godly man rejoices when he is innocently exposed to embitterment, humiliation, scolding and ridicule from someone or an incorrect reprimand, humiliation from a superior, out of humility and gentleness inherent in spiritual people, for they consider this a worthy retribution for their sins, of which we all have many, and [...] for this he will receive mercy and condescension from God; but a carnal, passionate, man of this world, not trained in spiritual exploits, proud, ambitious, impatient, self-important, becomes extremely upset, embittered, and despondent when one of his neighbors, or colleagues and acquaintances, or strangers, or his boss, closest or high-ranking, touches his pride in any way - in word or action (for example, the boss remark and reprimand or harsh treatment, disrespectful, proud and derogatory). And this state of his spirit can turn into real anger if grief and hostility towards the offender, intentionally or unintentionally, are not uprooted at the very beginning. But if the offended person paid impartial attention to himself, to his relationships with people, especially to the lower ones and to those who often have a need for him and ask him to satisfy their requests, to his frequent upsets with them, to his anger, to the defamatory words addressed to them, to the contempt and humiliation sent to him by both glance and word, and to his impatience and irritation - then he would probably feel justice, and out of awareness of the infirmities common to all people, he would not breathe anger and vengeance on those who offended him in any way, perhaps completely unintentionally and without malice in the soul, but simply because of melancholy and weakness of spirit and body, as, for example, happens with old people. Here's a lesson for you, my friend. Thank God that He enlightened the eyes of your heart through these lines. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me, after fervent prayer of repentance, from deadly unclean lust, from lawless imagination. I thank the Lord for the second deliverance from the same sin immediately. I thank the Lord for salvation from the deadly unclean lust that occurred at six o’clock in the evening, also after a fervent prayer of repentance. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the corruption of an unclean night dream due to a timely awakening, after which I began to pray before the Lord and read cleansing prayers, for the soul, although not the body, was defiled by carnal passion. Great is Your name, praised and exalted forever, O Lord! You are the God who works miracles [Ps. 76:15], You have spoken in me Your power and Your unspeakable goodness and always speak them. Glory to Thee, O Vigorous and Holy One. But save, Lord, our Emperor Alexander Alexandrovich and Your people like the apple of your eye. God! Grant me purity of thoughts and intentions, words and deeds, so that nothing in me will be out of passion, but everything in truth and truth, out of pure love for You and your neighbor. Grant me to remember the apostolic word about the properties and actions of love, which is long-suffering, merciful, does not envy, does not concede itself, is not proud, is not rude, does not seek its own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth, bears all things, trusts all things, has faith in all things, and falls away in no way [1 Cor. 13:4-8]. I thank You, Lord, for You again showed Your mercy and Your salvation in me at the hour of the morning service (in church) in delivering me from rebellious and obstinate thoughts and feelings (against Bishop Isidore). I fell in repentance to Your throne (in the Pokrovsky chapel) - and was saved. I received a serious ulcer in my soul after my visit to the school of trusteeship in order to find out how early teacher Anna Vladina went to class (she was not there at nine o’clock). I wanted to catch her in the malfunction. She receives, I thought, a large salary (forty rubles a month), but does not always attend classes regularly; I somehow became embittered with her and envied her, despised her; For this he was extremely wounded to the point of death. But the Lord accepted repentance and had mercy, giving peace and joy and spaciousness of heart. Glory to the Lord for this! Retribution (church glory) - bribe, reward for work. Torture (Church Slavic) – meaning to demand, ask back. On March 1, 1881, Emperor Alexander II died from a bomb thrown by the Narodnaya Volya member Grinevitsky. Lorn - look through a lorgnette. Earth-loving (Church Slavic) – zealous, attached to earthly things. Although they are punished in the eyes of people, their hope is full of immortality (Wis.3:4). Translated by P. Yungerov: A young man will insult an old man, a dishonest one will insult an honest one (Is. 3:5). Prohibition (Church Slavic) – threat, execution; anger. Packs (Church Glav.) – again, again. The hymn of Great Compline. Fourth week of Great Lent. Rumor (Church Slavic) – vanity, care (“rumor” – get carried away, fuss, care). Will arise (church-glorified) - rise. Wordless (church glory) – crazy, senseless, unspiritual; unreasonable That is, jealousy only about earthly, earthly things.