Февраль 1881 г.

I thank the Lord, who gave me the gift of longed-for health after a rather serious illness (a cold). Man of flesh and blood is the Antichrist, because with his passions he subverts the image of God in himself, restored in Baptism, Confirmation and Communion, introduces into his soul and body the filth of sin, corrupting his soul and body, removes the Spirit of God from himself and becomes the dwelling place of dishonest spirits. From what heights of redemption does he fall! What dignity is being lost! The virtues of sonship, the dignity of the heir of God, the joint heir of Christ, the heir of the eternal Kingdom, the unfading, immaculate, incorruptible inheritance. Oh, if only the Christian sinner remembered and knew this! When carnal passion tempts you, then vividly remember what suffering the Lord Jesus Christ endured for you on the cross in order to deliver you from the passions and from the eternal torment prepared for you, the many-passionate one, and trample on your passions, and despise your flesh with all its absurd, impure passions. A true Christian constantly lifts up his mind and heart and feeds them with high contemplations and feelings: there, in heaven, is his treasure, his bliss, his sweetness, his joys, but he is indifferent to the earth and all its blessings, as coarse, transitory and temporary; he is not attracted to earthly beauty, sweetness, glory, earthly wealth, splendor, luxury, nobility, earthly joys and amusements - all this, as a wanderer, is alien to him. Only a person of little faith or an unbeliever lives with his mind and heart on earth, attached to earthly blessings, to earthly rough sweets, to earthly beauties that fade and disappear, to earthly glory that disappears like smoke, and does not like to ascend to heaven, which is not his native element, since he himself has not become akin to it, being mired in worldly worries and passions. The Most Holy Virgin Theotokos united God the Word with men, and even more than 21 was united in the most sincere, highest Divine unity with the simplest Divinity, which is why she was exalted above the Cherubim and Seraphim. May we, Christians, think more often about the height of our calling and may we try to be worthy of it, succeeding in all virtues, endlessly averting all sin. O deified nature! Be worthy of adoration. But - alas! as luck would have it, people extremely humiliate themselves, curse at themselves, falling into the mire of all kinds of sins; lawlessness is spreading on the earth, man is becoming worse than dumb cattle. Morning. I thank the Lord, who drove away unclean thoughts and feelings by the power of the sign of the cross, which I repeatedly depicted on my stomach and loins, and who cleansed my passionate soul. I thank the Lord for the state of health I received after the illness that just passed. I thank the Lord, who reaffirmed in me the gift of health after illness. On the Sunday of the Prodigal [Son], one must say a word in which to strike prodigal sin on the head. Bring evidence from the Apocalypse, from the Gospel, from the Epistles of the Apostles, from nature, how nature itself is insulted, desecrated, weakened, infected with disease, how a fornicator curses at the wisdom and goodness of God, at the Divine intentions, at the holiness of the works of His hands. The throne of Satan is in Kronstadt [cf. Rev.2:13]. How does a fornicator justify himself? Nature's need. But these needs are false and must be limited and suppressed, and they will become silent and turn into your own power. Evening. God! I thank You for granting me the grace to overcome lust in my passionate flesh. Plant in me, Lord, pure, unhypocritical flesh and remove absurd, dark, unclean, corrupt love, the offspring of unclean spirits. Turn, Lord, the virgin’s heart entirely to You, and not to me. Perverted love, which does not deserve the name of love, narrow, blind, unclean, corrupting the soul and body, excluding all true love for God and neighbor, is the devil’s deception, a trap in which since ancient times the enemy of the human race has caught people to their destruction, having caught the primordial with the forbidden fruit, a sweet but pernicious poison that infects to death the entire human being, a mockery of wisdom and the goodness of the Creator and ingratitude before Him. I thank the Lord and the Mother of God, for the extreme sharpness and burning sensation in the spinal cord and in the head was removed through the eruption of purulent principles into the inside of the nose; From that time on, everything became easy for me. This happened on January 30th. Ten and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from fierce demonic violence and temptation in the apartment of Maria Filippovna Kovina during the prayer singing with the blessing of water and communion of the sick: with the violence of the spirits of malice (beggars wandered and waited for me at the windows - I was upset with them), I repented with all my soul, asking for mercy for the sake of the name of the Lord, and the Lord delivered the ethereal villains from violence. And previously he could not pronounce some words and expressions from Fyodor Stepanovich Gerasimov when reading the sequence of prayers during confession and communion to his mother; The violence of the ethereal enemies has reached its extreme limits. I [positively] could not pronounce the prayers: they, damned ones, flooded my soul with themselves. Woe to me, accursed, multi-passionate! Now malice, now selfishness, now fornication pester and kill. Ask the rector, Father Pavel, about the result of the guardianship case. Ten o'clock in the evening. When I walked from the second sailor's wing after giving prayer to Maria Evgrafovna and repented of my sins of unmercifulness and hard-heartedness, asking in repentance for mercy for the sake of the name of the Lord, a miracle happened to me in the name of the Lord - I was healed mentally and physically. Glory to the infinite mercy of the Lord! Glory to His goodness and quick obedience! I thank the Lord, who brought to light the cause of my former illness - scrofula, and thereby healed my illness. Fornication is a hellish, scorching ulcer, smoke from the well of the abyss, darkening and desecrating the entire mental air of the soul, uncleanness that defiles the mind and conscience of a person, the free madness of a person, a mockery of one’s own nature, the pursuit of unclean and murderous sweetness. How crafty, seductive, attentive, insinuating, affectionate she is! Saturday. I thank the Lord, who visited me today with His great mercy during Matins by delivering me from the mortal tightness of my heart, which struck me for my reluctant, lazy, proud, stingy giving of alms to a beggar and for evading giving to other beggars who hoped to receive something from me; I languished for a long time, but through repentance and prayer I was honored to receive forgiveness and peace from the Lord and read the canon with the greatest pleasure and boldness. I thank the Lord for the unfaltering service of the liturgy and the speaking at the great entrance of all the names of the royal family and at the consecration of the Holy Gifts of the Synod and the Metropolitan with their full title, as required. Thank you to the Lord for reviving me with the most pure Mysteries during their communion and for the unfailing end of the Liturgy. Thank you for delivering me from the bitter snares of the devil that befell me during the funeral service. I thank the Lord for delivering me upon my arrival home from the cramped conditions and sorrow that befell me for the bickering of the beggars (the crooked boy [R...]) and the insufficient giving of alms. How many great, quick, all-saving, life-giving, peace-giving and joy-creating mercies! The devil, as the most evil and crafty sage, uses all his efforts to bind the human race, and especially the Christian race, to the blessings of this world, to carnal sweetness, to carnal beauty and in general to the beauty of earthly blessings, to the wealth and glory of this corruptible and transitory world. For what? In order to turn their hearts away from love for God and from sincere, unfeigned, selfless love for their neighbor, for the damned one knows that the human heart, in its simplicity, can be attached to one thing with its love: either to God with the rejection of worldly love, or to the world with the rejection of love for God. But the accursed one hides from man into what poverty this latter falls, into what darkness, misfortune, death, falling away from God! Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who revived me during the liturgy, when I was mortified by sin and in repentance called on the all-saving name of the Lord Jesus Christ; I was especially killed by the shine of my golden cross that I saw in the glass, which I had previously gazed at with passion (oh, vain man that I am!), and Belial killed me more than once because of the enchanting shine of gold, completely relaxing my heart, paralyzing it and the word that should flow freely from the heart (at the prayer behind the pulpit at dismissal). I thank the Lord, who showed me help in the fight against opposing forces during Vespers. Thank you for the abundance of boldness and peace during the baptism of the baby in the church. I thank the Lord, who showed me His salvation in the hour of trouble from demons and my passions during the wedding of the first wedding (Simeon and Tatiana), when I became angry due to demonic action at the sexton Mikhail for not knowing the names of the bride and groom. My God! What a terrible, deadening storm Satan created in me! Only repentance and faith saved me! Oh, wonderful name of the Lord! What a greatest miracle You performed in me at the wedding, when I was in the terrible misfortune of death from demons and my passions! You have turned, Lord, the storm into silence, death into life, violence into enemy powerlessness! Glory to You. I revere You, Your saving powers. Regarding the standing on the choir of the good elder Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin, invisible enemies greatly confused and worried me, but by the grace of God I overcame and overcame them, receiving boldness from God. Glory to His grace! Grant me, O Lord, not to be ashamed and not to fear the rich and powerful of this world, nor the mayor himself or the very sovereign of the land. You alone are great, before whom everyone should revere - both princes and kings of the earth. Amen. Morning. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the greatest spiritual misfortune (confusion, storm, crowdedness, darkness, death), which befell me as a result of regret about the loss of the service and the income from it (memorial services for the deceased; they called me, but I was not at home). I repented for a long time and reproached myself for selfishness, when I should have hoped in the Lord, who provides for me and gives everything generously. Finally, the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace and boldness and unfailing, solemn service. After mass. I thank the Lord for the wonderful, most gracious deliverance from hostility towards Metropolitan Isidore, kindled in me by the devil because of my vanity, pride and rancor, who gave me the grace of gentleness, humility, patience with unfailing service and life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. The Lamb made me a lamb. How He Himself endured, suffered from the benefited Jews, and prayed for them! After my illness, there was quite a lot of weakness in my legs until the time of service (the next one), and when I served mass on Sunday, having overcome by the grace of God both the intrigues of the enemy in me and the illness they caused, then, like a fast bird, I flew again, especially on Monday. God bless! Evening. At Burachka's. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance and delivered me from carnal passion by presenting the most pure, incorruptible, sweet beauty of God, which communicated its beauty to all creatures, especially to man, as the image and likeness of God. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the great misfortune of the enemy during the reading of the canon, from the deadly hostility towards the rector, Father Pavel Trachevsky, whom I imagined standing at the candle sale - this was a true devilish obsession that killed my soul and outraged it to the depths. The Lord accepted my repentance and had mercy on me. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me in the apartment of the janitor at Philip Stepanov’s before the confession and communion of the sick old woman Glikeria. I thank the Lord, who delivered me when I came home to myself, when I, excited by the begging of the young man, reproached and scolded him with anger and thereby wounded myself as a violator of the whole law of God, which consists of love; Having repented from my heart that and this time, I received mercy and forgiveness from the Lord. Because of yesterday’s carnality and gluttony at Yakov [K...] Markov’s, I weakened my soul and became extremely wounded by opposing forces, irritable, depleted of love for God and neighbor, self-loving to the point of pettiness. After mass. My greatest grief today was from the terrible temptations of the demons that were brought upon me during mass. Extreme suspicion, anger towards Abbot Paul for no apparent reason, hostility of the most inflammatory, hellish nature terribly tormented and depressed me from time to time during mass, and partly during matins. I could not look calmly, without embitterment, at the abbot under the pretext that he was a fop 22, cold and soulless, like a bust or a statue, stingy and miserly, indifferent to good and evil, arrogant and proud. Admitting that he really is like that, although I can easily be mistaken and am mistaken, looking at him through the dark glasses of my heart, I will not help him or myself at all with my malice, but to his real or imaginary sins I add my own vain greatest burden of sins, the greatest misfortune - malice and ill will, torment and burning and darkness of hell, the greatest oppression, the obvious death of the soul. Isn't this crazy? Is it not the addition of sins to sins? What does the Lord, the Lamb of God, command us? – To love our enemies, to bless those who curse us, to do good to those who hate us, to pray for those who do harm [Luke 6:27–28]. How did He Himself act? He prayed for His enemies, for His crucifiers, he prayed with love. In general, He taught meekness, humility, kindness, and patience. The archpriest did nothing bad to me and was quiet, peaceful, kind, affectionate, and friendly towards me. Why am I angry with him? Why am I suspicious of him, that he is my enemy, ill-wisher? Isn’t this contrary to his whole life, that is, doesn’t this message of mine refute his whole life? And thus I sinned, Lord, and I lost my way from my path, and I angered You, and I became a slave to the devil, doing his dreamy 23 evil will. Forgive me, Lord! What a blatant untruth in this world! One is satiated, the other is hungry or barely full; one luxury in everything, the other barely has what is necessary, and that is meager and wretched; one, despite any contentment, spends his life in idleness or doing very little, the other, despite the shortcomings of himself or his family, works all day from morning to evening until his strength is exhausted; one, with rich natural talents and conscientious work, remains in a low position all his life, another, thanks to his noble origin or birth from wealthy parents and education, quickly rises through the civil ranks and occupies a predominant position; some live their entire age in sorrows, illnesses, sorrows, tears, others live in constant joy, in health, in amusements, games and amusements. Such blatant inequality on earth makes a person desire a different, better life, where everyone will be given justice. When celebrating the Liturgy, I always notice, to my regret, that I do not have sincere love for God and for humanity, created in the image of God, redeemed by God and saved by God, sanctified, healed, perfected, and that instead of this perfect love in my heart there is an idol of worldly love, an idol of selfishness, carnality, gluttony, greed, ambition, voluptuousness or worldly passions: envy, pride, hatred, enmity, rivalry, rancor and other passions. The Spirit fights against the flesh, and the flesh against the Spirit, they oppose each other, so that you do not do what you would like [Gal.5:17]. Do not allow displeasure or grief, hostility, enmity to develop in your heart regarding your boss or generally superiors and authorities, as well as regarding your colleagues, so that the devil does not fan this spark into a flame and lead you into destruction, making you his instrument, like Judas. Look at your sins and correct yourself with sincere repentance, and leave your boss or brother to God, who knows and judges the secrets of the heart, and do not interfere in the affairs of God’s government and God’s judgments. We all sin a lot [James 3:2]. But love is long-suffering, does not get irritated, does not think evil, covers everything, and does not reveal, does not expose. Pray to God earnestly for yourself and for everyone. This is the safe path, the path of love. And enmity is from the devil, it is fruitless; however, it also bears fruit - death. How many troubles and misfortunes for my soul come from my addiction to worldly goods, to my multi-passionate flesh, and almost every day! I am often embarrassed, I have no peace of mind, I am tormented, tormented, but still I do not abandon my attachments to perishable goods; they have grown deep into my heart, like evil thorns, and they butt and kill me. Grant me a thirst for eternal blessings, my God, and teach me to despise the flesh and the world as if they were disappearing. Experiencing in your soul the ferocity of sorrows, as punitive actions of Providence, correcting you and leading you away from eternal destruction, remember their beneficial effect on the soul, chaste, enlightening, healing. Without sorrows, you would not have known the destruction of worldly addictions and would never have counted your sins, for example, gluttony, drunkenness, love of money, ambition, vanity, voluptuousness and voluptuousness. Having been judged, we are punished by the Lord, so as not to be condemned with the world [1 Cor. 11:32]. At ten o'clock in the evening I prayed to the Lady Theotokos with faith, hope and boldness to help our grief - to send funds in abundance to the House of Diligence and to save us from the shame of poverty in means, so that the enemies of a good deed may be put to shame. Will. Lord, say the word - and it will be. Send the Mother of God who gave birth to You, praying for us, and save us, our Savior, desperate people, 24 we resort to You alone in our need. Amen. Hope will not put you to shame [Rom.5:5]. Malice against the abbot was and is purely a dream of the enemy, the malice of an all-world villain; There is no need to sympathize with her for a moment and share the enemy’s anger against the primate. Yesterday during mass I defeated her in the power of the fortress of the Lord Jesus Christ, although the enemy was so importunate and dreamy that he managed to put omnipotent malice into my heart again after mass. But apparently the abbot is a gentle old man and truly measured, calm, even, patient, and unperturbed. I thank the Lord, who has now shown me His salvation during my service of Matins and especially the Liturgy, in delivering me from the snares of evil demons and in granting me mercy, purification, sanctification, renewal, peace, lightness of soul and body, and perfect health. Oh, divine, life-giving, wonderful, terrible Sacrament! Through him I become a new, new person, I, who decay every day with sins, bringing myself into decay, into infirmity, weakness, badness through gluttony. Yesterday I ate oatmeal and barley porridge, and I felt extremely ill from the constipation of my stomach and from the mealy stew. My scrofula did not like this food and caused extreme irritation in me, which, however, did not express itself in anger at anyone. How many temptations, violence, seductions from invisible enemies this morning (before Matins, as a result of the thought and movement of a voluptuous heart; I languished for a long time, oppressed, raped, scorched, bound by the enemy’s fury), finally, through repentance and the grace of God, I drove out the enemies from myself, however, finally in church after touching the Holy Altar in repentance. Even for a harsh word towards the poor, he lost peace and freedom, space, and for repentance he received mercy. During the service of Matins, the Lord, by His mercy, delivered me from the greatest temptations, the violence of enemies who fought me fiercely, raped me, oppressed me, and burned me; by invoking the name of the Lord and touching the holy throne with my heart I got rid of them. However, the enemies constantly tried to embarrass, bite, sting, and torment me, but the Lord was my shield. Glory to the Lord my God! During mass I had many temptations from the murderous serpent, which suppressed and killed my spirit and did not allow me to say the royal name at the great entrance and the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan, first among those living after the holy saints (at the consecration of the Gifts). But after communion of the Holy Mysteries, I was cheerful, courageous, bold, and peaceful. At the prayer service with Maria Sergeevna Bubnova, the Lord showed me the greatest salvation and help, and with great boldness, warmth and sincerity I performed a prayer service of thanksgiving with the blessing of water. He served Vespers faithfully and baptized with boldness. Upon leaving the church, he was angry with the beggars, and even earlier in the church he was angry with an unreliable old beggar who asked to go to his wife’s funeral. I was mortally oppressed and agitated, but at home, after heartfelt repentance, I was mercifully and graciously forgiven by the Lord. Glory to His mercy! Lamps without oil go out. So Christian souls are without mercy, without giving alms to their neighbors. The Lord works great miracles of mercy in my soul every day, delivering it from the aphids of passions, tearing away, as it were, a wild growth or wild meat from my heart, and even completely changing its very being, sinful, evil, evil, voluptuous, prodigal, proud, wayward, stubborn, envious, lazy, careless, desperate, into the opposite properties, as I see especially after communion of the Holy Wonderful Divine Mysteries of Christ. Oh, how many and what wondrous, powerful miracles the faith of Christ does in me every day, especially on the days of communion of the Holy Mysteries! Glory, glory, glory to our Lord Jesus Christ! Glory to His new-created and life-giving faith! The wonderful unity of faith, love and power of God is represented by the Divine Liturgy of the Orthodox Church from its beginning to its end. May every clergyman be imbued with the spirit of unity and love for the Lord, the Mother of God, the Angels, the saints of the heavenly and earthly Church, and all humanity, redeemed by the blood of the one God and Lord of all. I thank the Lord for the easy, stumbling-free service of Matins and Liturgy; at the very end of the matins there was a strong temptation - I fell into anger at the altar guard Procopius for an oversight and awkwardness, but the Lord had mercy for sincere repentance, delivered me from hellfire, oppression and shame and bestowed boldness and peace. He received wonderful, life-giving communion and gave communion to his spiritual sisters. I thank the Lord for the good, unfailing service of the Liturgy and for the uncondemned communion of the Holy Mysteries, also for the uncondemned service of Vespers and for deliverance from the sorrow and distress that befell me for my harsh and hard-hearted treatment of some of the poor. There must be love and love, unfeigned, firm, in the heart of a priest always and for everyone, even for enemies, humble love, considering oneself lower, worse than everyone, more unworthy and worthy of disgust, contempt, trampling on everyone. And how difficult, bitter, deadly, shameful it is to have hostility or enmity in your heart against someone for anything, but more out of self-love, pride and vanity! It is right that an evil person suffers; he deserves it because he carries a snake in his heart. Parent's Saturday. How many poisonous, deadly reproaches were made to me during Matins by the all-evil enemy, and the Lord Jesus Christ healed me from all of them for my internal repentance! I praise the Lord. Some of the funeral litanies were pronounced without stumbling. Saturday. Evening. I thank You, Lord, for Your mercy and power, revealed in me through delivering me from the violence of the devil and his captivity, with which he captivated me at the memorial service of Moses Michael in the evening. I walked along Rose Street, diligently repenting and calling on the name of the Lord with faith and hope, and the Lord did not hesitate to perform the miracle of His salvation in me: in cramped conditions He gave me space, in confusion peace, in death life. Glory to the Lord! Resurrection. After Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord, who, through the secret prayer of faith and repentance, delivered me from the deadly remorse of the enemy during Matins and Mass: once from anger at the sexton, then from obscene thoughts and heartfelt hurt towards them, and many times after. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at four o’clock in the evening from the carnal lust of the heart (all the sweetness of carnal intercourse is given in order to conveniently and easily reproduce the human race, and not for carnal pleasure, which has no purpose if it does not have a legitimate intention to produce the human race, or family individuals). People are captivated daily by their adversaries and by their passions and habits in many different ways, and everyone is sometimes captivated by many passions throughout the day. We must constantly be on guard of our mind and heart, so as not to sin, we must pray unceasingly, according to the advice and command of the Lord: watch and pray so as not to fall into temptation [Matthew 26:41], - and the Apostle: Pray without ceasing [1 Thessalonians 5:17]. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the mercy of His salvation after Vespers for the sake of falling with faith and repentance at the life-giving throne of grace. The fact is that when I came to vespers at four o’clock, vespers was already halfway through the extreme haste of priest Klepachevsky, and I was deeply indignant with him, became angry, fell away from love and was embarrassed myself, fell into oppression, sorrow, and torment. When I fell to the Lord in repentance, He heard, had mercy and healed me, giving me peace, boldness, space, lightness, light and strength. Monday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow and the fire of hell that befell me for the hardness of heart and dissatisfaction of the beggar, who asked me for more than what I gave him (seven kopecks). The Lord accepted repentance, delivered us from sorrow, oppression and fire, and bestowed peace, freedom, and boldness. But soon the enemy again greatly wounded and killed my soul with regret about the money given to my nephew Evdokim for the journey to Novgorod (ten rubles), but I again repented of my addiction, my greed for money and my carnality, stinginess, hard-heartedness and again received life after falling to the life-giving throne. Finally, at home, upon returning from Matins, carnal thoughts wounded me, binding the freedom of my soul, but through repentance and grace I overcame voluptuousness, diligently calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and received freedom and peace. Evening. I thank the Lord, the abyss of mercy and grace, for delivering me from deadly sorrow and cramped conditions in the house of Pavel Smirnov before the christening of the baby Lydia at the ladies' tailor: sorrow and cramped conditions befell me for being hard-hearted towards two poor people who followed me for a long time, asking for alms, and I drove them away for the reason that they had previously, I thought, received along with other beggars. I repented sincerely, deeply of my hardness of heart, asking forgiveness from the Lord, and received the grace of remission, peace, freedom, and boldness. Late that evening the Lord delivered me from my carnal dreams at home as I read the story of Ruth the Moabite. I thank the Lord for his generous, vigilant providence for His poor people, who sends me good people, especially Stepanida, a pious and compassionate mother, who brought me twenty rubles yesterday for the poor. Glory to You, Master! But remember, Master, my prayer to You, the all-good, all-generous, all-powerful God, for the House of industriousness. Send us abundant funds for its construction and surprise us with Your mercies, so that together we may glorify Your holy name, in which we hope. Treat your multi-passionate flesh with contempt, and even your soul itself, that is, its passion, its absurdities and follies, its countless thoughts, feelings, lusts, passions, especially when you pray, otherwise you will take its dreams for the truth and you will despise God, and His commandments, and His saints, and everything holy, for this is what the flesh strives for, this is what it tries to teach every day and enemy of God and men at every hour. My evil vessel, my flesh, constantly incites me to violate the commandments of God and attempts to kill my soul and cast it into the abyss, into Tartarus, and kills itself, dreaming, however, that it lives - a devilish, flattering spirit, eager for evil, lives in it. Away with him! Arm yourself, Christian, with divine zeal for the all-powerful opposition to the flesh and the spirit of flattery living in it, and for the perfect fulfillment of the commandments of God, for in them is eternal life. I thank the Lord for the great deliverance from grief and confusion during Matins regarding the disappearance of the Lenten Triodion from the church! The Lord had mercy on my weakness and delivered me. What an earthly, earthly, and not heavenly (sorry!) person, and most importantly, an unkind, unkind, unloving, envious, jealous and sad person! Yesterday I read in the Kronstadt Bulletin that the art teacher was awarded, on the recommendation of Mr. Director, the Order of Stanislav of the second degree, and I became envious, lost my peace, fell into melancholy and despondency, into shame, could not speak from the sadness of my heart until I thought about the vanity of everything earthly, repented before God and realized that each of us and everyone in general has been endowed by God with the greatest gifts, venerable the highest honor to be called and to be Christians (and not cavaliers), children of God, heirs of the Kingdom of Heaven, joint heirs with Christ [Rom. 8:16–17]. What do all the earthly differences that pass away like a dream, like smoke mean, that do not change the soul for the better and do not make it either more virtuous or more Christian? We enjoy our external, imaginary advantages, neglecting internal, spiritual advantages and not caring to acquire them through zeal for true, Christian virtue: then we pay attention to our face, to the very color and outline, or to our position in the world, to our education, to our property status and position, to our family or to our mind, to our connections, distinctions in service, which is all vain and does not constitute either virtue or true merit before By God. All the glory of a Christian should be within, in the Christian qualities of the soul: in humility, kindness, modesty, true love for God and neighbor, in simplicity and wisdom of the heart, in mercy, forbearance, patience, sincere respect and friendliness for others, in readiness to serve and help! Thus, with us, all matters are reduced, or almost all are reduced, to appearances, in order to hit the eye, to flash ephemerally and more and more to forget about another, enduring, heavenly honor - the honor of a heavenly calling. Self-love, conceit, pride and rancor, vanity, lack of sincerity in relationships with people, selfishness, inner lies nest within me! Alas for me, a sinner and naked of every good deed! Take away the ugliness of my soul, Lord! Cover my nakedness, Master! Eight and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for the deliverance granted to me while walking near the English church, when I became indignant and angry with the beggars because they bothered me with their requests, while I needed solitude and secret prayer. I sincerely repented of my anger, of non-compliance with the law of the Gospel, which is love, meekness, humility, kindness, patience, goodness, mercy, condescension, and the Lord gave me peace. My Redeemer, the Lord Jesus, redeemed me from sin, sorrow and distress, and through faith in Him and repentance I came to life! I thank the Lord for delivering me from the mortification of the devil, with which I was struck by an envious person and slanderer during the Sacrament of Baptism in the house of Sidorov at Mr. Vladimir Ivanovich Myachin because of a vain thing. After the completion of the Sacrament, when I sat with the father of little baptized Anna, I turned my eyes entirely to the Lord in repentance and prayer for deliverance for the sake of His all-saving name, and I soon received deliverance from cardiac death, having again received peace, life, freedom, boldness, space of the heart. Then, when I was at home, the Lord again delivered me from heart death (sorrow and oppression, shame, powerlessness), which befell me for the movement of my heart towards carnal voluptuousness. Glory to the Lord God who continually saves from sin and sinful death and who gives me His shrine, which there is nothing dearer to a Christian, especially to a priest. I thank the Lord for my service (in the cathedral of the brethren) of the holy liturgy in a peaceful spiritual dispensation and for the communion of the life-giving Mysteries, by which I, unworthy, was revived and strengthened. Saturday. I thank the Lord, my all-good and all-powerful Savior, who delivered me this morning after Matins from sorrow and distress, embarrassment and deadly defeat of the heart, which righteously befell me for my internal anger towards the sexton Adrian for what seemed to me a negligent service. I repented with all my heart of the absurd, insane malice of the devil, asking in the tenderness of my heart for deliverance and peace, and the Lord, after a long time of falling before the Holy Throne, granted me His salvation. Glory to the Lord! We must regret every sinner, sincerely regret, because he is a pitiful, deplorable person who has fallen into the ditch of destruction; he is darkened, defiled, bound, captive, oppressed by sin; and on the other hand, sin itself is extremely contagious, crafty, cunning, violent, strong in a person of little faith or faithless or careless and lazy, so that the sinner is from all sides a pitiful creature: both in himself and from the side of the actions of sin in him. To be angry with him for a person who has reason and faith is absurd, wild, insane! A person drowns, dies, and then the anger of others sinks him even more! And all this comes from the culprit of all troubles - the devil. It is impossible to calculate how much time I have wasted in vain and with harm to soul and body through gluttony and intemperance. How many saving minutes, hours, days were lost! I could use this time to do good deeds, to read the word of God and the writings of the patristic people, or to compose and publish useful books for the people, or to think about God and pray. True, even when walking in the air after eating and drinking, I almost always tried to exercise myself in mental prayer or contemplation of God, but with a somewhat aggravated stomach I prayed imperfectly, not always sincerely and hastily. I also repeat: I lost a lot of time for my soul, working for an insatiable belly. May I at least finally understand the vanity of this work and the power of the words of the Apostle: it is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with food, from which those who engage in them did not benefit [Heb. 13:9], - and I did not receive benefit from gluttony, but harm to the soul, relaxation of the soul and heart, corruption and petrification of the heart. Only the grace of the Holy Mysteries, after the labors of repentance and tears of tenderness, resurrected me again to life and renewed me. Glory to the life-giving, renewing power of the most pure Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ! Because of gluttony, satiety and drunkenness, I found myself defenseless and easily caught, an easy prey for disembodied enemies during my service of the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church - while reading the Sunday Gospel and saying absolutions and prayers, and this weakness, this demonic fear arose from evil suspiciousness towards two women standing in the church: Ekaterina Stepanova (Grigorievna) and Irina Gorbko, who seem to me proud and arrogant, self-important. If this really were the case, then what? Should I have enmity towards them for that? Shouldn’t one have prayed for them with humility and love, and also for oneself, so easily shaken by all sorts of sins and passions and being the playground of evil spirits, as if not protected by fasting and virtue, humility, simplicity, love, goodwill, and sincere respect for every person? How many shortcomings and passions I have! How much uncleanness! God! Be merciful to me, a sinner, - like a publican, I cry out to You, not daring to lift up my eyes from the multitude of my sins! God! Purify me by Your mercy! Forgive me, Lord, Master of the Most Merciful, the sins of negligence and dereliction of duty and various thoughts and feelings of the heart, in word and deed. You know my weakness. Forgive me the sins of impatience, irritation, anger, malice, envy, ill will towards the proud, money-loving and stingy, ill-wishing towards them, sometimes gloating about them in cases unfavorable for them. Forgive me the sins of pride, voluptuousness, lust, gluttony, satiety and drunkenness, laziness, and so on and so forth. Resurrection. Evening. An old enemy gave me a terribly hot bath today during Vespers regarding the absence of Deacon Arseny and his non-existence at Vespers. I was very excited; Only by the grace of God, as a result of repeated repentance and falling before the holy throne, I was delivered, although not suddenly, from hellish poison and fire. I thought that bearing the burden of a brother is a good deed and serving the Lord is sweet, and that the Lord will reward me for the extra work, as well as for the temptations regarding the non-existence of a deacon, that on ordinary Sundays the priest serves Vespers alone, although without the evening entrance. Why is it burdensome to serve one Vespers with the entrance? This is one dream and demonic malice. I thank the Lord for celebrating the Liturgy in an extremely painful state due to a clogged stomach from yesterday’s pancakes and waffles at Burov, A. Murashov and the Grechukhins. Ratsch writing and sermons. Evening. Ten o'clock. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me in the first officer’s wing in the apartment of Mikhail Evdokimovich and Evdokia Agafonovna and Glikeria Dmitrievna for my repentance of hard-heartedness, severity, bitterness and stinginess regarding the beggar, who repeatedly asked for alms when it was given to him, but not enough. He cried out to the Lord in repentance and was pardoned, receiving peace. I thank the Lord, my all-good and all-powerful Helper and Savior, who delivered me from the storm of demonic temptations and worries during the first Lenten Matins in the Assumption Church: Belial troubled me with both malice and contemplation, but through the prayer of repentance the Lord overthrew all my enemies and gave me victory. I thank and extol my gracious Lord Jesus Christ. Tuesday of the First Week of Lent. I thank the Lord for His wondrous, greatest and quick help during yesterday’s greatest temptations during my daily services in the Assumption Church and before the funeral services and during the funeral services at the Guzhovs (Sizovs). Thirty times there were the strongest attacks of hell, thirty times I withstood the strongest hellish fire of the devil’s malice by the grace of God, and thirty times I won in the name of the Lord. Glory to the Lord! Oh, my weakness! Oh, my sinfulness, oh, my malice! Having lost and perverted the true love of Christ, I now do not understand that pure virgins, wives, children, and good men can love me and others with the pure, tender love of Christ, and sometimes I look at their love as coming from an unclean source, for I myself am unclean. You, Lord, give me pure love through the Holy Spirit and teach me this love. Amen. Unclean love, like breath, like the stench of demons, spread 25 far away. Amen. The beggars of Kronstadt love me, but I have almost always been strict, insincere, unloving, and harsh towards them because of their frequent requests, although I myself ask the Lord for mercy a thousand times a day, and He has not yet hated me, but loves me ineffably, having mercy on me and cleansing my great sins, healing my infirmities and illnesses, healing spiritual ailments, helping me wonderfully in serving Him. Beggars are always meek and gentle - I am irritable and angry often. Have mercy on me, O God, and correct me. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at the memorial service at the Sizovs and during the funeral service in the cathedral of Mikhail Sizov (Guzhov) from the deadly breath of the malice of the fierce Belial through my heartfelt prayer for Father Paul, against whom Belial inspired me with anger, may the Lord forgive him all his sins, may he adorn him with all kinds of spiritual gifts, as a member and co-member of Christ and the Church, may he unite all of us in the communion of the Holy Spirit, for this is how it becomes members of the holy body of the Church. I thank the Lord for the sincere reading of the canon of St. Andrew of Crete and for the unfailing, bold service of all Compline. How far does demonic pride and malice go in me - even against the Holy Synod, and the local archpastor and father, and the heir to the throne and the heiress and their children! The demon cools my heart towards them and even instills hostility towards the holiest and most powerful! Oh, horror! O abomination of desolation! Deliver, O God, from the devil's obsession with pride and malice! And then he mocks or swears very, very often at the creativity of the human race, at the very workman, the crucible, wisely, beautifully, beautifully, purely, unblemished, holy, omnipotently constructed, and at the holy organs of human creativity, turning the organs of creativity and creativity itself, this great and holy, blessed and wise work of God the Creator, into amusement, into empty pleasure, into reproach, humiliation, into lawlessness, abomination. O flattering and vile devil! Away! Do not believe and do not follow one iota of your heart in its passionate, vague movements, for our heart is accursed, unclean, nasty and our mind is darkened. From our hearts come evil thoughts, an evil eye, adultery, fornication, blasphemy, pride, according to the word of the Savior Himself [Matthew 15:19; Mark 7:21–22 ]; it has become and continues to be an instrument of the devil. After Matins. I was in a terrible devilish fire of anger while performing Matins: now against the peasant reader, now against Philip Stepanov; but glory to the Lord, who accepted my repentance and prayer for them, and reflected my anger from my heart, and bestowed peace on me with space and boldness. I thank the Lord, who has granted me to peacefully and without stumbling to pronounce both the Holy Synod, and the Metropolitan, and the persons of the reigning house and [...] the words of the great, small and petitionary litany with the remembrance of the Lady with all the saints. After Matins, approaching the church house, I was tempted with the beggars, being upset at those who came up for alms several times in half an hour, and because of them I refused alms to others. I repent of my grief, hostility, stinginess, love of money, envy, self-indulgence, hard-heartedness. Have mercy on me, O Lord, who repents, and forgive me for the sake of Your name, O most innumerable Grace. I thank the Lord, who delivered me, unworthy, from hellish fire and oppression through fourfold intense repentance and who gave me peace. I am driven by passions, especially after the delicacy and gluttony the day before: and last night I drank tea with good honey twice at Burov and Rudakov’s, and at home I ate a good piece of pie with buckwheat porridge and kvass and porter and part of the tea. How did the Lord heal me from demonic anger towards the reader and merchant Philip Stepanov? By prayer for them, may He fill them with all grace and all His gifts and deliver them from all lawlessness and me with their prayers, through the intercession of the Mother of God, the Heavenly Powers and all the saints. Oh, how we need mutual love and mutual trust and devotion! During the hours and Presanctified Mass, temptations replaced one another, just as the mercies of the Lord alternated in me with each new repentance; The temptation from my sensuality was especially severe. Alas for me! And this tempts me! And it tempts me because of my extreme carnality and my satiation (the day before I drank tea with honey to feel full and ate pie with buckwheat porridge to feel full). The breath of Belial and the movement of the flesh were extremely heavy, deadening, however, now curbed: it cost me frequent falling to the throne with tears to be delivered by the grace of the Lord from this deadening movement of sensuality, but the more joyful, the more wonderful, the more majestic was my deliverance by the Lord, the revival of me, a stinking dead man. During mass there was a lot of struggle with opposing forces and with the multi-passionate flesh. During Compline, too, but the Lord delivered me from all the snares of the enemy by His omnipotent power. How often there are changes in me, now of the Kingdom of Christ, now of the bitter dominion of Belial, which works against me through carnal passions, worldly addictions (through pride, malice, envy, carnal lust, greed, love of glory, vanity), now a state of grace, now a passionate, deadening state! Oh, when will I die to sin and live for God! Let the house of debauchery, this disgrace of humanity, move away from the house of church guardianship! While the sexton was reading the end of the clock, I, unworthy and senseless, was indignant because the sexton read a lot and not quickly; The Lord accepted my repentance of this and gave me peace. February 25. Wednesday of the First Week of Lent. There is nothing more fickle, stupid, senseless, evil, disgusting than the human heart (and mine more than all): it, being constantly punished for destructive sin, constantly inclines you to sin, to malice, to fornication, to self-interest, to pride, envy, blasphemy, gloating, disobedience, laziness, negligence, cowardice, despondency, irritation, anger, resentment, swearing, satiety, drunkenness and so on. Therefore, one should never follow his whims, evil movements and resist in every possible way and do virtues opposite to sin: observe meekness, kindness, simplicity, purity, love, goodwill, abstinence, obedience, readiness for services, non-covetousness, mercy, etc. The terrible machinations of the devil over me during Matins because of yesterday's satiety - eating at night and drinking porter and coffee, sweet and almond milk; he was greatly embarrassed and worried, tormented by the sluggish, long reading of the Six Psalms by the peasant Zverev, and then by the stench from the peasants standing near the altar; I couldn’t pronounce the litanies from excitement. The all-evil devil made me dance a hellish dance today. The Lord punished me for my deeds, without quickly sending deliverance, for I am unworthy, like a slave of the womb. What if the stinking peasants’ souls were redolent of humility, simplicity, prayer of repentance, love for God, but my soul stank of malice, carnality, impatience, willfulness and stubbornness? Who is more pleasing to God? And how can one not endure the stench, when the saints in prison endured every stench and suffered every kind of torment before being tormented? Are you clean yourself, don’t you stink, not to mention mentally, but often physically, from a lustful belly? So. But how can one not tolerate the stench of others while willingly and condescendingly enduring one’s own? Do not despise even the most damned sinner, for you are of the same sinful nature as him. Maybe you were or are the same sinner as he was, or you can easily fall into the same sin. Grant me, Lord, to see my sins and not condemn my brother 26. At that very moment (nine and a half o'clock in the morning) the Lord showed me His great and [quick] mercy through faith in His name and my repentance, delivering me from the devil's oppression and death, which befell me for an instant addiction to corruption, after I gave communion to the sick Dmitry Stepanovich [K...]. I thank the Lord, who yesterday gave me the grace to perform Compline without stumbling, with the canon, the prayer of dismissal and the final litany, and to perform Matins today, although not without severe temptations to the point of sweat and blood (how I fiddled with invisible enemies at the Holy Altar in the Baptist Chapel, how cramped, confused, worried, wounded I was, how the enemy’s poison tormented me!). Glory to the Lord, who heals through acute temptations and saves my soul! God! Refine me, the rough one, lighten the one burdened with sins, enlighten the darkened one, comfort the cowardly one, make the timid one courageous, strengthen the weak one. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. To the point of death, a grave temptation befell me today during Great Compline regarding breaking the fast at the Slavinskys (ate fish, pie, drank wine, honey in sufficient quantities). The enemies embarrassed, oppressed, frightened, shamed, weakened me, brought me to despair, but through repentance and tears (thanks to the Lord for the tears!) the Lord delivered me from the violence and killing of the enemy and gave me the grace of subtlety, lightness and vigor of heart and sincerity and strength when reading the Great Canon, not without some stumbling blocks. Then, at the meeting of St. Andrew's Guardianship (at eight o'clock), the Lord surprised His sovereign, all-good hand on me or in me, delivering me with His wonderful name, diligently called upon and with great faith, from mortal oppression, melancholy, shame, humiliation and disgrace regarding my not entirely appropriate speeches regarding the cleansing of the courtyard through poor people (that was not what I was talking about). I came to life, was resurrected, enlightened, expanded in my heart when the Lord dwelt in me again by faith. I have become majestic and splendid by my Lord, peaceful, sanctified, worthy of my name and the title of Christian and priest. The canon of the Holy Cross depicts how many unspeakably great benefits the Lord God has given us through the Cross. We are surprised and horrified and rejoice at the greatness of these blessings, this Divine love for the world. Read the Canon of the Cross more often. Through the grave temptations of demons, the heart is greatly weakened, and cleansed, and strengthened, and enlightened. Although extremely difficult, the fiery poisonous disturbances and temptations that strike the human heart with death are very useful. Through the prayer of repentance and after deliverance from them, the Lord establishes extraordinary silence in the heart and its divine nobility and greatness are imparted to the soul. God! I thank You that You attracted good, zealous members, intelligent and managerial, into our church parish guardianship, and even German Lutherans. Help us, Lord Lord, in all our endeavors. Lord, help us! Holy Mother of God! Help us! Friday of the First Week of Lent. Great grief came to me today during Matins from eating yesterday evening late and from drinking too much kvass: the enemy attacked me heavily with confusion and fear, terribly shook me with his hellish breath, killed my soul, plunging it into powerlessness and binding it, not allowing me to speak the words of litanies and prayers. But glory to the Lord, my strong, quick, wondrous Savior! He drove away my enemies, delivering me from all their intrigues, giving me peace, joy, boldness, tenderness, spiritual space and a strong, tender voice. I thank and exalt my Lord Jesus Christ, who saved me many times by His power and mercy during the hours, Vespers and the Liturgy of the Presanctified and after it, upon the use of the Holy Gifts. The enemy stumbled, and wounded, and embarrassed, and put me to shame at the end of the prayer behind the pulpit, at the end of the prayer of consecration for the Kolivo and at dismissal, and each time the Lord healed and had mercy on me. But the Lord showed me especially indescribably great mercy in the gymnasium, where for almost two hours I was in terrible crowds from enemies, in mortal grief because of grief at the student Lamanov, who did not bring me a copy of the newspaper [...]; the enemy struck me like hell, foreseeing my extreme need for peace of heart before the upcoming confession, for through killing me he wanted [to deprive] the spiritual benefit of my spiritual children; but the Lord accepted my long and strong repentance and gave me long and deep peace even at the end of the last class at the gymnasium and especially upon my arrival home at two and three quarters of the hour. Throughout confession I was a fine fellow, cheerfully and lively doing the work. God bless! (I personally had 245 confessors.) I also thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy towards me in Dvoeglazov’s house in the apartment of a widow whose son, a former cathedral choirboy, had died. I came here extremely embarrassed and agitated by the action of the rector, Father Pavel, who did not wait for me at the funeral service for Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov. I fell to the Lord in repentance (in my anger towards Father Paul), and the Lord granted peace. Glory to the Lord! It is remarkable that I am never so healthy, cheerful, light, calm, and free as in Lent, when I do not eat fish (not to mention fast food) and especially when I confess to the laity. This work strengthens both soul and body, sleep is short but sound, quickly restoring strength, which, however, does not require much money to restore. Glory to my Lord for this, chosen Voivode and Victor. I gave the widow Prokofieva little yesterday (a ruble), having the opportunity to give more. She is very poor and pitiful - I’ll give you more... Yes, I’ll send her to a charitable society, there are more funds there. The arrows of the enemy are burning and painful, but the mercy and grace of God that protects me is cool and sweet. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the greatest help to me, weak in spirit, fearful and easily disturbed, during matins and early mass in the Duma church in the presence of a multitude of people of every rank and status, and for the uncondemned celebration of the liturgy with tearful tenderness, and for the uncondemned communion of my own and the multitude of lay people (more than three hundred). Thanks be to the Lord for delivering me from the unclean inclination of my heart and flesh at home at the sight of a naked virgin and for the gift of purity and incorruptibility. What freedom, what peace, what boldness of the innocent hearts! But what shame, what confusion, what tightness of the unclean heart! Six and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His light and mercy by cleansing my heart from the foul aphid of passions that deadly covered it. This unexpected mercy of God brought tears of tenderness to my eyes. So, all things are possible with the Lord! It is possible for Him to make our souls white like scarlet, and scarlet like snow to whiten [Isaiah 1:18]. And we are shameful vessels of passions: the devil almost constantly operates in us, scalding our souls with various passions. But by contrast, concluding from us, obscene and unclean, to the most pure vessel of the Divine, to the Mother of God, can we, unclean and nasty, imagine Her incomparable, ineffable purity and holiness as the Mother of God? We cannot, but all the more so we [must] be amazed and in awe of Her and humbly, in repentance, from the depths of our souls, pray to Her, that she may give us some drop from Her Divine shrine to our sinful and unclean souls, and with Her omnipotent wave remove the filthiness of our souls and bodies, for She, as the Mother of God, can do everything. An incense-smoking censer is used in church and in homes during prayers to arouse fervor in the souls of those praying. Let my prayer be corrected like a censer before You [Ps. 141:2]. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me upon coming home from the gymnasium, after being angry with the beggars and indulging the poor soldier in persecuting and pushing them, - who delivered me from the cramped conditions and sorrow that righteously befell me for hard-heartedness, stinginess, love of money, bitterness, which should be alien to the priest, as the shepherd and bearer of the dignity and spirit of Christ. I fell before the Lord with fervent repentance, and He had mercy on me, giving me peace. Glory to the Lord! But now I was somewhat angry with my wife for the bad smell in the rooms from soap and [...]. I repent with all my heart and now I am angry and impatient. Convert and correct, Lord, have mercy and save, Lord, long-suffering and abundantly merciful! A cold breath came over you, you say, from the Bishop of St. Petersburg, Metropolitan Isidore, when he received you with extreme importance and heartlessness. But what blows from you yourself often, often on many of your parishioners, and even on the holy saints of God, and on the Most Pure Virgin Mary, and on the Lord Himself? Isn't it cold, isn't it the stench of all passions? Why don’t you have condescension towards an old man, bent by years, burdened with numerous affairs, cold every day from many petitioners and different, different people? He is a man, like all of us, and not an Angel, and he can be easily irritated, and he can be suspicious and rash and harsh at times. And you are often angry, and proud, and harsh, and envious, and a slave to the womb, and crafty, and disobedient internally, and sometimes externally, and possessed by a thousand passions. Have every condescension towards the holy elder, humble yourself and say that you are worthy of a stern reception, just as you yourself are stern and passionate, especially towards the poor. How do you sometimes treat them?.. Do not be surprised that others treat you the same way: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you, says the eternal Truth [Matthew 7:2]. Bow down to the ground and say to the Lord in humility of heart: Lord, have mercy and exalt and glorify Your servant Metropolitan Isidore to the glory of Your name and Your Church and have mercy on me through the prayers of this shepherd, enlighten and save me, amen. Your heart also secretly loves sin and is combined with it, and therefore cannot completely love God, perfect Truth and Holiness. Cleanse your heart from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, so that you may love God with all your heart. Kolmi more (Church Glav.) - even more so. Fat is a smug dandy, a dandy. Dream, daydream (Church Glav.) - empty appearance, ghost, seduction. Theotokos “For the sake of us, be born of the Virgin,” tone 8. Prozheniti (Church Glav.) – drive away. Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian. Stuzhati (Church Glav.) – to crowd, to disturb; oppress.