Январь 1881 г.

I thank my Lord with all my heart for the greatest, miraculous help and salvation yesterday during the singing of the all-night vigil with Lebedeva and captain of the first rank Skryplev and the prayer service with captain Izmailov, especially the all-night vigil in the Duma Assumption Church and with the gymnasium teacher Titkov: due to gluttony and satiety, I became weak in soul and body, especially the thoracic and laryngeal organs; invisible enemies easily played with my heart, fighting with unclean and fearful thoughts and feelings, but through the prayer of my repentance, grace soon came to my aid, gave me tears of tenderness, and I became stronger in soul and body. Glory to the Lord! Evening. On this day, I have been vouchsafed many times the greatest of God's mercies and salvations of life: firstly, in the apartment of Trofim Ivanovich and Maria Ivanovna in the house of Semgina, where I came in grief and crampedness over anger at the beggars who had bothered me with their requests - having repented with all my heart of my malice, I received mercy and peace; Then, in church, before performing the proskomedia, I was honored to receive forgiveness again as a result of my repentance for my wickedness and unclean view of the maiden Ivanova in Vysokaya Street in Zaitsev’s house. Then in the evening at five and a half o'clock I was honored to receive the greatest deliverance from the sorrow and distress that befell me for refusing a beggar more than he asked for. Then, in the apartment of Olga Afanasyevna Karpova, the Lord delivered me from the cramped conditions and sorrow that befell me for my anger and grief at Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for holding my hand. Finally, upon arriving home, when I was angry with my wife and servant Anna, death filled my soul. I repented of my rage and God forgave me. Just before I went to sleep, the Lord also had mercy on me, saving me through a prayer of repentance from the poison of voluptuous lust. During the late liturgy yesterday, I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit with feeling and dismissed all with all the friends of God (that is, firmly mentioning everyone who was needed). During the all-night vigil on the third day (after a stubborn preliminary struggle) there was also almost the entire holiday with all the saints. Friday. Morning. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me with His usual compassion for my repentance from the greatest sorrow and distress and torment that befell me for being upset with the poor. For a long time I fell to the holy throne in the Peter and Paul chapel and in the name of the Lord I crushed the power of death in me. Evening. Five o'clock. After Vespers. I thank the Lord, who still accepted my repentance in anger at the poor, who do not allow me passage anywhere simply because they are accustomed to receiving alms from me every day and more than once. I have been pardoned again by the Lord; confusion, sorrow and oppression disappeared, and the desired peace again reigned in my insides. At the council, propose measures to reduce beggary. A tall young guy, a poor tradesman, forced me today to give him seventy kopecks for supports 14; promised to go to work. I'll see what happens. Now I, the cunning, deceitful one, will not give him a penny for a month. Brethren! We are all the lips of the laity who must pray day and night, praise and thank the Lord for all His mercies to them and to us. We are intercessors for them before God, we are their reconcilers with God; We have been entrusted by the Lord with the word of peace, which we teach so often, saying: Peace to all. How dear is this word of peace, given to us and taught by us not only in words, but also in deeds, for it is said: peace to this house, if it is worthy, but if not, then it will return to us [Luke 10:5,6]. Oh, how dear is peace with God, peace that has not been on earth for so many thousands of years and which was brought by God incarnate - peace with your conscience. I thank the Lord for the speedy, gracious, generous deliverance of my soul from the sorrow and oppression of sin in Denisov’s house in the apartment of warrant officer Kharinsky before reading prayers to the mother in labor. Thank you to the Lord for His sovereign help during the Sunday all-night vigil, for deliverance from the devil’s cruel violence and oppression, for the gift of tears of tenderness and for heavenly insights. (Thoughts about the Church of Christ: oh, the holy union of the Church! Oh, its new members!) I thank the Lord for pronouncing dismissal at the all-night vigil, for His wonderful help against insidious demons. Resurrection. After late mass. The Lord, in His great mercy, delivered me before the beginning of mass (proskomedia) from hellish fire, from hellish sorrow, oppression and torment for my zealous repentance, when I fell repeatedly before His life-giving throne in the Petrovsky and Pokrovsky chapels; He gave me peace, space and coolness. Only for a short time. Throughout the mass I was in severe heartache and sorrow; I was weak in spirit, cowardly, fearful, and unfree. Where is the boldness, the peace, the freedom? Where is the sovereignty of the spirit? All fear, cowardice, slavery, cramped conditions, darkness. At the great entrance I could not speak the names of the royal family out of cowardice and fear of not knowing who or what. The Holy Synod on the consecration of the Gifts also could not speak out loud due to cowardice and fear. The tightness was due to the satiety of yesterday's evening turkey roast at ten o'clock. Oh, I don’t eat meat or anything thick at night. I sinned gravely before the Lord, the Mother of God, before the holy Angels and holy men, and before my rector, Father Paul, after today’s mass regarding the rector’s refusal to march to the Jordan on January 6, which he expressed to the altar guard Procopius. How many bickering and reproaches I made to the abbot in absentia, how much bitterness, hostility towards him, resentment towards him, envy and jealousy that I had, that he takes all sorts of liberties, receives a lot of money, but does very little work. He goes to those needs where there is a direct benefit to him hastily and does not talk about any pain, but to those needs where there is no direct benefit and where there is some difficulty, he refuses to go, citing various infirmities! How hard it was for me due to my displeasure and murmuring! What confusion! What sorrow and distress! What a delusion! What an irritation! Trouble, extreme trouble was for me! Meanwhile, why the irritation? For no reason. We must consider it our greatest honor to go to the Jordan and personally participate in the service of the Jordanian service, thus sharing the greatest honor with John the Baptist. Forgive me, Lord, all my sins of this day. About the dignity, lightness, beauty, incorruptibility of the image of God in man. About the duty to preserve it or restore it through repentance, tears, abstinence, prayer, vigil, fasting, communion of the Holy Mysteries, alms, hard work; about the duty to decorate and perfect it with every virtue, especially humility, kindness, love for everyone, unceasing prayer and praise. How many greatest motives and examples for fasting are offered to us in Scripture! Oh, if the Lord would allow us to remember all these motives and examples and try to fulfill what was proposed! It is remarkable that one day during Matins, under strong temptation from ethereal enemies, I boldly looked at the people, these sheep of the flock of Christ, and the fear of the enemy disappeared. God bless! We, brothers, are the mouth of our entire parish in matters of Christian faith and piety (even the whole of Kronstadt) and must loudly pray for everyone, thank and glorify God, rightly speaking the word of truth. Child Timothy, first of all, I ask you to make prayers, petitions, intercessions, and thanksgivings for all people [1 Timothy 2:1]. We, priests, stand face to face with the holy truth every day, not like the laity, busy with worldly sciences, responsibilities, and worries; We would be extremely ashamed and sinful to close our eyes to the truth and live in vanity. We need to continually point out truth and truth to the laity. I create great poverty for myself every day, being carried away by worldly addictions and pity for transitory things, every day I am tormented and oppressed. Grant me to seek union with You, Lord, above all else, Lord! How good it is to cleave to the Lord! The same vanity, the same absurd passions every day! Many times and in various ways I anger You, the Lord my God, every day. Have mercy on me! How many prayers we read every day! But where are the fruits? Where is the correction, where is the Christian virtue? Everything is like a seed sown along the way, or on a stone, or among thorns - everything is lost! I serve the Mystery of immortality, sanctification, renewal, incorruptibility, deification, eternal glory, eternal life, eternal bliss! Why do I desire earthly, vain, false, perishable, undeserved glory with passion? Why am I torn, embarrassed, having the devil as my mouthpiece, an abuser? With what insolence, violence, poisonousness, the passions of life invade my heart, especially during the liturgy, when I should be completely heavenly: self-love, ambition, voluptuousness, envy, greed, anger, hostility, impurity, laziness, covetousness! But glory to You, Lord, who delivers me from the passions of dishonor! We look not at what is seen, but at what is unseen: for what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal [2 Cor. 4:18]. What do we have in heaven? and what do you want from the earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 72:25,26]. Grant freedom, dominion, sedateness, moderation to my spirit, Sovereign Lord! The sharpness and bitterness of the speeches of brothers or others should not be conveyed, so as not to be embarrassed and lose the spirit of love, meekness and humility, silence, and peace of mind. My God! What do You see every minute in human hearts? - Self-love, dislike, hostility towards each other. In every heart there is a smoldering spark or a burning fire of hostility towards someone, envy, pride or unclean feelings and carnal dispositions! What is our very virtue? This is chaos, a mixture of good and evil. Grant me, Lord, to perform the great consecration of water in humility, righteousness, quietness, cheerfulness and strength of heart. I thank the Lord, who many times, by His great mercy, delivered me during mass from the evil movements of my heart, from the tightness and powerlessness of my heart, from sinful violence, and who gave me peace and boldness. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me through the prayer of repentance from the movement of anger towards the beggars who asked me for alms along the way when I was walking with the cross. During the service of Matins and early mass, I was in extreme embarrassment and distress - first from irritation at the beggars, then at the Father Superior for not informing me whether he or I would go to the Jordan to bless the water for him, and from stupid annoyance at his avoidance of work. I was terribly worried, repented, fell many times before the holy throne and did not receive the desired deliverance; at the litia I was embarrassed and cramped; The cry, O God, did not say everything to our Savior; the prayer of the Master Lord at the end also did not say everything; At the blessing of the loaves, I also could not utter a cry; I read the whole Gospel; not all vacation; Christ, the true Light, I didn’t read everything; at early mass there is also confusion, burden, crampedness; was angry with the watchman Procopius for negligence 15; At the great entrance, I didn’t pronounce the entire royal family out of embarrassment and powerlessness of the heart. Remember first, Lord, I hid it out of confusion and powerlessness, I didn’t read the entire pulpit, you missed those, glorify them, and so on. Vacation said everything. He went to the Jordan in confusion and spiritual defeat; on the Jordan I did not read the Gospel, but crushed it; [read] the prayer of the Blessing of Water in spiritual defeat and mortification; he spoke more than three times to the Holy Trinity out of fear of the devil and powerlessness; the cross immersed well; returned in mental defeat. During the service of Matins and prayers, the Lord repeatedly saved me through the prayer of repentance from my sins; And now (seven o’clock in the evening) in the outbuilding of a real school, during a prayer service, the Lord saved me from hostility. I praise the Lord. For this reason, when I was walking home and again became angry with the beggars and thereby hurt my soul and repented, the Lord again showed His great mercy on me. Glory to the Lord! In the evening at eight o'clock, when I went to see Yakov Kalin. Markov and on the road I met beggars waiting for me, expressing to me their great and varied needs, I became, damned, in such a rage that I severely tore two of them by the hair; In addition, he pushed one by the collar of his clothing and, dragging it, tore it on him, knocked another to the floor by the hair, and only slightly tore out two by the hair - and through this he himself fell into the greatest oppression and misfortune, lost the grace of God, and only through intense repentance with tears did he ask the most merciful Lord for forgiveness of sins with peace, freedom and space of soul and body. Why do passions act so strongly in me? - Because of the addiction to sin-loving and voluptuous flesh and to earthly life, to earthly goods: to food and drink, to clothing, to money, to distinctions, to pleasures, and because of the resulting coldness towards God and neighbors, hostility towards neighbors with whom we have to share our property, from lack of faith, lack of hope, or hopelessness of a future life and incorruptible blessings, prepared for those who self-sacrifice for the sake of Christ and their neighbors, and out of dislike for God and their neighbors. I am exposed to the greatest misfortune because of my pride, stinginess, love of money, carnality, hardness of heart, anger and irritability, and I only torment myself extremely and tempt every day Divine mercy and the infinite goodness of God, invincible by our malice. It is a thousand times better not to have stupid, blind self-love, addiction to one’s own, like vapor, transient flesh and blood, to cast aside addiction to money and place trust in God, which does not put one to shame, than to be terribly poor every day and tempt God and the patience of the poor, to be indifferent to everything that flatters the flesh, and ardent to God and people. The bad thing is that irritability, anger, hostility towards the poor and towards neighbors in general turns into a habit, into a passion, and through this I can fall into even greater trouble. God! Teach me meekness, quietness, humility, kindness, patience, self-sacrifice. Thursday. I thank my Lord for the greatest mercy towards me, unworthy, that he vouchsafed me to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, victoriously, peacefully, heartily, and to read the canon at Matins in a solemn voice, and to sing the stichera in the stichera, and most importantly, to partake of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation and life-giving. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance at home (before the image of the Savior in the hall), delivered me from the scorching fire and cramped conditions that befell me for my anger at the poor. I thank the Lord, who has had mercy on me and this day is soon due to the inner voice of repentance and faith of my soul: firstly, during Matins, when an evil demon wounded my soul with evil suspicion and secret anger towards the abbot, Father Paul (this was during the reading of the canon at the end); As soon as I sincerely repented of this and condemned myself, the Lord extended His saving right hand to me, took death away from me and revived me; then in Solomonia’s apartment, being in a struggle with sin, I secretly prayed to the Lord for deliverance and salvation, and the Lord cleansed me, giving me peace and freedom from the violence of the flesh. Finally, now (six o’clock in the evening) the Lord saved me from spiritual distress and death through the prayer of repentance. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who called me by inexpressible mercy to serve the early liturgy in the cathedral and who granted me deliverance from the grave machinations of Belial 16 (regarding the monotonous singing of the sexton I Believe in One... and especially the end of it). I thank the Lord, who healed the weakness and burning sensation in my body through rapid walking in the fresh air and the resulting perspiration. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the deadly poison of the serpent, poured out from the serpent as a result of my fear of the adversary while reading the Gospel about the appearance of Thomas [John 20:19–31]... I thank the Lord, who delivered me at the end of the great dismissal at the all-night vigil, hidden by the action of Belial, and finally, I thank the Lord for delivering me after the small dismissal from fierce remorse zmiina. Why does an invisible villain depose me during solemn and non-solemn services? Because of my greed for food and drink, because of the unbridledness of my belly, I feel that its power, or dirty trick, is on my belly when I eat and drink especially pleasantly. It was not in vain that the Lord Himself gave Himself an example of fasting, and all the saints fasted - there is no other way, no other means to victory over ethereal enemies, but with abstinence there must be humility and love with patience. Grant, Lord! Oh, away with animalistic, unreasonable, rude life! Woe to the mind, and the heart, and the will! The devil leads us all by the nose, forcing each of us to pursue not the main and universal goal, which is indicated to us by God, but private goals, often false, sinful, passionate, carnal, which often lead us down the disastrous path. Guide me, O Lord, on Your path, to walk in Your truth 17. Liturgical dismissals must certainly be reprimanded: they contain the whole purpose, the essence, the whole conclusion of the service, the whole hope of the praying Church; The militant Church, through the intercession of the triumphant Church, hopes to receive mercy and salvation from the Lord, the King of glory and the almighty Head of the Church. This is the content, the thought of the liturgical dismissal; Through him, the Church also gives its peaceful blessing for leaving the church. I thank the Lord, who began to have mercy on me in the morning with His greatest mercy, who bestowed tears of tenderness during the reading of canons and akathists (Sunday) and during the service of prayers, help against the fierce demons who mercilessly attacked me, and who has now delivered me from the oppression and fire of hell that befell me for grieving the poor. I repented, sincerely condemning myself, asking for great mercy from the Lord for His name's sake. Just before mass in the church, the Lord, through the prayer of my repentance, delivered me from an extremely acute temptation, acute and severe sorrow and oppression, when I fell with faith and tenderness at the holy and life-giving throne in the Intercession chapel. After such cramped conditions, how glad I was when the Lord had mercy on me! Glory to Thee, gracious, quick to obey, gracious and helpful Lord! And during mass, what a pitiful and poor sinner I was, attacked by disembodied enemies and oppressed me with confusion, fear and apprehension! And only tears of repentance, which are also the great mercy of God, saved me, brought down on me the strength and help and mercy of God, and I performed the liturgy quite calmly, loudly, sincerely, warmly, edifyingly. I read the entire pulpit, everything except the name of the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky. Then, throughout the day, at prayer services and christenings, the Lord showed me quick help and mercy. I praise the Lord. I thank the Lord, my all-merciful helper, who delivered me from the misfortunes of the enemy during Matins and gave me help in stumbling-free and gracious service, which miraculously revived my soul and all those praying in the church. While singing a prayer service to the Savior, the Mother of God and the martyr Tatiana, the enemy brought a serious attack - secret anger against the sexton because of a trifle, because of an instant silence when it was necessary to sing; After the prayer service and remarks to him, I calmed down. Another temptation: I envied Father Alexander and hated him for a few minutes due to the excitement of the enemy because he took money from the Sorokins for the all-night vigil and memorial service, thinking that he persuaded them, for his own benefit, combining the all-night vigil and memorial service. The Lord had mercy on me for repentance. And what am I missing? The Lord has given me everything, I lack nothing - if only I had the Lord Himself, most of all, as my inalienable wealth, with whom I will never be in poverty, for he who seeks the Lord will not be deprived of any good, according to the psalmist [Ps. 33:11]. Have a non-money-loving disposition, being content with what you have. For He Himself said: I will never leave you nor forsake you (Heb. 13:5). Glory to the Lord, who delivered me from my madness and pacified me. Yesterday's meat-eating sounded a trumpet in the evening, grounded my heart and made it especially greedy, carnal, and passionate. I don’t need to eat meat, and I shouldn’t have needed to for a long time: I should live like a true monk. Evening. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy towards me during mass and after mass, when I fell into the sin of irritation and punishment of a beggar boy; At the entrance to the gymnasium, a miracle of salvation and revival took place through the prayer of faith and repentance. In extremely difficult internal circumstances I was before mass, as [and] during mass after the Great Entrance, before the class, or on the way to the gymnasium; but the Most Merciful allowed me to beg Him for mercy, and I was pardoned from the cruel punishment, delivered and pacified, extended and comforted. He was also pardoned in Vasiliev’s apartment at Matins, in the apartment of his nephews and in the apartment of Paraskeva Ivanovna and Prokopiy. Parishioners knocked on the door of Fathers Pavel Trachevsky and Peter Klepachevsky at night to call for a sick, dying man; Trachevsky sent him to the priest, but Klepachevsky was allegedly not at home (at two o’clock in the morning). Meanwhile, the patient died when I came for their disobedience. After mass. I thank the Lord for the mercy of repeated deliverance from the wiles of demons during mass, especially after the great entrance, and for the inexpressible bliss after communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the wonderful renewal and revitalization. I thank the Lord for my repeated salvation on the street, in the apartment of brother Peter Konstantinovich Nesvitsky (when I did not give alms to two beggars), for salvation during Vespers and after Vespers. Depict the harm of gluttony and satiety and wine drinking, as well as the love of money in relation [to] love for God and neighbor: coarsening, earthling of the heart, impoverishment of love for God and neighbor, partiality (handsome, rich and noble persons are an object of reverence, servility, or fear, or carnal love), cold, insincere, contemptuous or cruel treatment of inferior, humble, poor, ugly; stinginess, greed, irritability, impatience, disobedience and bickering with elders, disrespect or insincere respect, coldness towards the sick and dying or deceased; selfish prayer, unclean, insincere or fear of demons during prayer, laziness regarding prayer, superficiality during prayer with a lack of clear and sublime contemplations and deep feelings. Even in a dream, the soul of a glutton loves to be where food and drinks [lie], for the demons of gluttony in a dream show it in a disproportionate abundance the dishes that it loves, and, as they say, to the fullest, they allow it to eat and drink to the point of disgust and disgust. Woe to such a rude earthly direction for the soul. She falls away from God, from love for God and neighbor, being partial to perishable things; she is likened to dumb cattle. Where then are her godlike perfections? Where are the spiritual, heavenly, pure, selfless aspirations? Where are the spiritual, sublime affections of spiritual love? This is what little by little our addiction to selected foods and drinks does! You must immediately stop gluttony and love with all your heart abstinence and fasting, the work of prayer, reading the word of God, and deeds of virtue. More. Animal passions: greed, lustful passions, malice, envy - intensify and man, a verbal being 18, meek by nature, turns into a dumb, into a beast, into a beast. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His wonderful, all-powerful mercy during the Liturgy: I was extremely weak in spirit and body before the Cherubim, but after that the wonderful power of God was revealed in my weakness and I served with the greatest enthusiasm throughout the mass, the prayer service, and the memorial service. By the way, with the greatest faith, I prayed to God before the Holy Gifts during mass for the betrayal of Constantinople to the Orthodox and for me to be in the Church of St. Sophia of the Wisdom of God. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the machinations of the enemy in the apartment of A. Vasilyevich Murashov. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the greatest temptations that were the result of my intemperance, and for granting me great help during the service of Matins. Evening. The ethereal enemies of almost every mass intensify with extreme persistence or importunity to produce in me a loss of spirit, cowardice, shame with extreme distress, so that great faith is required and even greater trust in the mercy of God in order not to fall into despondency and cowardice at all. This was the case today, but with sincere faith, hope, and repentance, I broke the spirits of despondency and shame with the grace of God and felt peace, freedom, and dignity in my soul. This was before the Cherubic song and during the Cherubic song itself; but one trifle and trifle destroyed my world: the watchman Procopius, who was handing out the prosphora for confiscation, touched my hand and held the prosphora in his hand when I [...], and thereby upset me. Then I could not restore calm, dignity, spiritual strength for a long time, I was in violence from ethereal enemies, bound, shamed by them and could not calmly pronounce all the exclamations at the liturgy of the faithful, and the words In the first memory, Lord, crushed, missed from severe embarrassment and demonic oppression and only after communion of the Holy Mysteries I calmed down, and then soon again the enemy fighter plunged me into cowardice and oppression, and finally during the prayer service With firm faith and unshakable hope, I fell to the Holy Mysteries and, with faith in their all-powerful and all-conciliatory power, I broke the ethereal villains who oppressed me because of my incontinence, and was filled with calm, dignity and greatness, with which I served the prayer service and memorial services. Glory to the Lord! Glory to the life-giving Mysteries! In the saints of God, we honor the images and likenesses of God, the high dignity of human God-like nature, faith, holiness, truth, fidelity, devotion to God, hope, love, self-sacrifice for the sake of pleasing God, we welcome in their person the fulfillment of their aspirations - receiving immortal life; We honor and rejoice their deeds, raised during earthly life, their cheerful prayer for us after their death, we learn from them daily to live and die in a Christian way, for God and for eternity, into which they have passed and in which they enjoy the foretaste of eternal blessings and are blissful. Try above all to acquire righteousness of spirit with constant boldness. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from the temptations of anger towards the sexton because of the collision of my hand with his hand and against Archpriest Lamanov for his grumpy passion (when remembering her) and against the beggar girl - yesterday after Matins, when she approached the holy cross with others. How much pride I have and the passions that come from it! Evening. I thank the Lord, who filled me with miracles of His mercy and deliverance during the liturgy from various demonic machinations aimed at me, in which I myself was greatly harmed, having pampered my flesh with fresh air, good food and drink. The smell of smoke was heard in the altar during mass, and I became extremely agitated and could not serve calmly for some time; Only for repentance did the Lord deliver us from vanity. The Synod and the metropolitan with the title could not, due to my passion and devilish obsessions, reprimand him, but crushed him, crumpled him up - it turned out badly, an omission. But in the evening, when I was walking around the courtyard, hostility towards the Metropolitan came to me from the enemy for his supposedly extremely proud treatment of me, I was embarrassed, fell into oppression and sorrow, but through secret repentance and prayer I broke and defeated the ethereal enemy, and I felt how he came out of me; confusion and cramped conditions disappeared like smoke, and I was filled with peace, freedom and boldness. Take a debt from Klementyev. The holy Apostle Peter calls Orthodox Christians a chosen people, a royal priesthood (he made us kings and priests to God and His Father [Rev. 1:6]), a holy people, people of renewal [1 Pet. 2:9]. What are the greatest advantages and dignity of Christians! But what high, important responsibilities this title places on us! How diligently and constantly we must justify this high title by life and deeds! And what blessings are promised to us for that! Eye has not seen, ear has not heard, and what God has prepared for those who love Him has not entered into the heart of man [1 Cor. 2:9]. Away with worldly passions! Away with serving the transitory womb, mammon. Away with selfishness, earthly ambition! Away with irritation, rage, anger, base envy, away with carnal voluptuousness! Away with sleep, laziness, carelessness! Away with people-pleasing, partiality, contemplation, vanity, vanity! Evening. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the mercy of His salvation during the service of my matins and early mass; but amazing! - what I wanted especially strongly, I could not do or was afraid to do due to the enemy’s obsession: I did not pronounce the title of Metropolitan Isidore out of the confusion of the enemy, although the Lord accepted repentance and delivered me from the enemy’s machinations and the possession of demons. He received life-giving communion and gave communion to his spiritual children, pious women. I read the prayers before communion to them calmly, completely. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help during the service of Matins and early mass on Sunday; there were many ordinary temptations, especially during the service of the liturgy: crowding, sorrow, attacks from the enemy, especially at the great entrance, and after it death of the heart, paralysis of the heart; The Holy Synod did not pronounce the title of metropolitan upon the consecration of the Gifts; I didn’t read all of the pulpit, I didn’t say all of the release. I thank the Lord for the mercies of the day: the gift of health, peace, prosperity, for the love of my disciples. Was visiting Anna Al in the evening. Lebedeva and was received extremely kindly and hospitably, but I was too kind to the flesh of my many-passionate and partly mistress. Oh, you must always keep your flesh and your heart on a strict rein! She is always an opponent of God and my soul, or my spirit. Monday. I thank the Lord for a peaceful and stumbling-free day. In the evening I visited my benefactress Olga Afanasyevna, wearing a cassock and duckweed of excellent silk material and a fox fur coat given to me from her, and showed her a precious gold pectoral cross with precious stones, given to me by society. I thank the Lord for a successful day. In the evening, he gravely sinned against the poor, becoming angry with them, reproaching and blaspheming them, and gave alms to six people, not willingly, not diligently, not humbly, not with love, not kindly, not complacently, but with anger, with pride, contempt, reproach, malice, stinginess, hostility, with unbelief, for which he was punished by the deprivation of [gracious] boldness, peace, spiritual space, confusion, sorrow and crampedness, inner death, darkness, cowardice, shame and humiliation. He shed tears of deep, sincere repentance, condemned himself in every possible way, with all his soul, asking for mercy from the All-Merciful, Long-suffering, and now received mercy with all its good fruits: boldness, peace, space, joy, light, the feeling of sonhood. Bring the best robe and dress him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fatted calf, and kill it; Let's eat and have fun! For this son of mine was dead and is alive again, he was lost and is found [Luke 15:22–24]. The Lord Jesus Christ, the Mother of God with all the holy Angels and all the saints of God are always very, very close to believers and sincerely pious, akin to them, and take an intimate part in their lives. Only let us be sincerely devoted to them, let us live in holiness and righteousness of soul and in all good pleasures, let us glorify and sincerely thank the Lord and the Mother of God, and after them the saints, let us be a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy people, new people. I thank the Lord, who on this day renewed His mercies towards me, unworthy, and for the sake of repentance, cleansed the sinful thoughts and movements of my heart. God! Inspire into my heart love and reverence for my archpastor, Vladyka Isidore, to whom my heart has not been disposed for many years now because of his rude and proud reception of me, which I am worthy of for my sins and conceit, especially at that time (six and twelve years ago). Grant me true humility, kindness, patience, obedience, and unfeigned love. The question of beggary in our city, and indeed in Russia in general, must be raised directly and decisively by both the Church and the government. Our poverty has increased extremely, it has nowhere to go - there is no demand for its labors, and we have nowhere to go with it. It overcomes us, it hits us in the eyes on all paths and crossroads, on roads and hedges. What to do with it? We have a Duma, and the Duma needs to think about it, especially since our newcomer poverty is its adopted child. The resolution of this issue in a positive sense is urgently demanded by the Gospel, the Church, the Lord Himself - the Head of the Church and the sovereign - the head of state. This day's gospel gives us a wonderful opportunity to talk about incentives to care for the poor. Today the Gospel was read about the rich tax farmer Zacchaeus [Luke 19:1-10]. Oh, that we had more of these Zacchaeus! Zacchaeus, having heard a lot about the Divine miracle worker Jesus Christ, really wanted to see Him, and so, when the general movement of the people announced to him about His approach, he, who could not see Him due to his small stature, climbs a tree to look at the face of the Lord from there, and suddenly he hears a friendly word from the Lord: Zacchaeus, get down quickly, I need to be in your house. Zacchaeus got down and led Him joyfully into his home. When the Lord entered his house, murmurs were heard from all sides that the Lord had entered under the roof of a sinful man. Zacchaeus, hearing this, came to a feeling of repentance and, seeing in his house the Creator of heaven and earth, who had taken on the form of a slave and our free poverty for the sake of salvation, he exclaimed: Lord! I will give half of my property to the poor, and if I have offended anyone in any way, I will repay him fourfold. The Lord, who foresaw his heartfelt repentance and came to call sinners to repentance, mercifully said: now salvation has come to this house, because he is also the son of Abraham, that is, faithful and hospitable. Or has the hand of the Lord become weak, or is the Lord not able to repay the benefactor from the inexhaustible treasures of His goodness? Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who graciously accepted my repentance and delivered me from carnal lust. Oh, grant me, Lord, to completely, always, invariably love You alone and Thy truth and holiness and completely hate the all-destructive and all-flattering sin. That same evening, at seven o’clock, when I went from the guardianship of Ivan Filippovich of Prussia for a conversation and when I was internally greatly oppressed, humiliated and captivated by invisible enemies, then during a secret prayer of repentance and faith I was awarded a great and wonderful deliverance from the actions of invisible enemies in me, calmness, space, boldness, renewal, spiritual lightness, fragrance from the Spirit Saint, and came to Prussky’s apartment a different person. With peace and boldness I read aloud the Lord’s Prayer and the words of blessing before food and drink; talked freely. After all, without oil they will not let us into heaven and they will close the doors to us. We have a faithful, convenient and always inherent weapon against the devil and sin - the cross and the sign of the cross, with which we can always defend ourselves and protect ourselves from the invisible, crafty and evil enemies who constantly attack us, tempting us to sin and by their very spirituality and simplicity of being, quickly, like lightning, sometimes dragging careless people or unbelievers into sin. Wisely, the Church established from the first times that her children should often be marked with the sign of the cross. (See the Canon of the Cross, also the prayer of the cross: May God rise again, and His enemies be scattered.) Evening. Five and a half hours. I thank the Lord, who twice solemnly delivered me with His goodness, firstly (when I approached the gymnasium), from cramped conditions, shame and sorrow, and, secondly, in the apartment of Vasily Fedorovich Nikitin before the prayer service, when I was in sorrow, shame, cramped conditions and powerlessness of heart from my hard-heartedness towards the poor, who stated to me their various demands, but I did not fulfill them, but gave them only a little, since there are a lot of them all. Eight and a half o'clock in the evening. After Sidelkin's wedding. I was subjected to an extremely difficult temptation just before the wedding, out of grief at the bride for not coming to church for a long time; I was troubled in spirit, destroying the commandment of love with my impatience, embitterment, and the darkness of the accursed covered me, and death embraced me, Satan filled my insides; I have lost peace, boldness, freedom, dignity, I have been filled with shame, languor, powerlessness, death; I read prayers with extreme difficulty, did not finish reading the endings or praises due to extreme demonic violence, skipped other prayers, and concealed dismissals; Some words of the Gospel were not uttered due to demonic evil violence. And how the accursed adversaries misled me! What hellish pressure they put on me! Only through faith, repentance, prayer, and hope did I get rid of the torment of disembodied enemies, often touching the holy throne with faith after the wedding. And I thank the Lord, who removed the heavy mountains of temptation from my soul and gave me lightness, peace, space, strength. In the future, never be upset with the bride and groom, do not fall away from love in Christ. The sacrament of Marriage is primarily the sacrament of evangelical love, and woe to the misanthropic priest who performs the marriage: he will be the prey of invisible enemies and they will cry out in him. In the Russian clergy, monastic and white, there is no unanimity, communication, brotherhood, council; black clergy against white, opposing each other; that is why matters of faith and piety are not going well. Bishops hold themselves very highly, inaccessibly. Tomorrow, January 24, at nine o’clock in the morning, go to the bathhouse (haven’t been there for six weeks). You have many books of spiritual content, instructive, moralizing, dogmatic, and you do not live by books, but by your lusts and passions, you are busy with vanity and you are devoted to vanity. Turn the other side of the coin over and see what is depicted and written on it. Evening. Eleven and a half hours. I thank the Lord, who, by His great mercy, saved me from the great spiritual and physical misfortune that befell me for my rage and anger at the poor just before the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church; I was all confused, excited, constrained, set on fire by hellish fire, internally shamed, darkened. But I did not despair of God’s mercy, which is an unfathomable abyss, in repentance I fell repeatedly before the throne of grace and mercy - and received great mercy from the Lord and forgiveness of sins and calmly celebrated the all-night vigil. During the sixth psalm, the Lord gave me abundant tears of tenderness due to the consciousness that I was unworthy [to stand] before the throne of the Almighty, interceding for the verbal sheep and performing heavenly, holy, wonderful, life-giving Mysteries about everyone and for everyone and other great Mysteries. How holy this priest must be! They do not know the benefits of giving: giving means acquiring; with the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matthew 7:2], both here and in the hereafter; to live and make money only and to live in oneself, and not in others, means losing oneself, one’s property, and one’s future life; Christian life without mercy towards others is unthinkable, just as the sun is unthinkable without light and warmth. He who insults a creature without reason insults the Creator; He who swears at the creature swears at the Creator. A fornicator who swears over his body and the body of a woman insults the Creator and swears at the Creator, who created us in His image and likeness purely, unblemished, gracefully, expediently. He who swears at a beggar swears at God. What kind of spiritual pasture does the sheep of your flock have? Do they graze in Christ’s healthy, nourishing, saving pasture? You yourself, the shepherd, in what pasture do you daily feed your soul? Consider, find out, correct. The time is already short [1 Corinthians 7:29]... The Advent is drawing near. The church groom is at the door. Yesterday, when I encountered Father Vladimir Krasnopolsky, who unintentionally delighted in my income from prayer to the mother Ankudinova in labor (I myself was the reason for my delay), I felt grief from the deprivation of income and a feeling of hostility towards both the owner and Father Vladimir. Oh, untrained in the Christian wisdom of non-covetousness, gentleness and undying love! I sinned gravely, but then, upon reflection, I repented, and the Lord forgave, bestowing the grace of peace, light, strength, and freedom. Oh, the fox tail of the devil is in me! Oh, fox teeth! Oh, fox paws! O earthly creatures! Be sober and watchful, because your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion, looking for someone to devour. Resist him with firm faith [ 1 Peter 5:8–9 ]. I thank the Lord for my speedy deliverance from internal troubles during Matins for my faith and repentance. How obedient, quick to obey, kind and gracious the Lord is to me, a sinner. There is no humility, meekness, kindness, patience in me, but there is extreme pride, pride, anger and impatience, so that I still remember the cold, inattentive, contemptuous reception of Metropolitan Isidore and cannot pray for him on solemn occasions, paralyzed by a feeling of hostility towards him. Grant me, Lord, humility, kindness, simplicity 19, patience, grant me never to remember evil and with humility to endure the obstinacy and severity of the ruler; grant me to pray for him to You with love and humility, sincerely, unshakably. Due to yesterday's intemperance and satiety in the evening (at Efrem Leontyevich [K...] after the home all-night vigil and in Golubev's house), also due to the warm envelopment at night, sleepy daydreaming and prodigal desecration occurred to the detriment of health. And at lunch he ate meat greedily. Forgive, forgive, Master Lord, my iniquities and grant me the grace of constant, strict abstinence, unshakable chastity. Ten o'clock in the morning. Woe to me was from prodigal defilement in a sleepy dream; My whole being and health were shaken: there was a terrible chill and trembling, I could barely warm myself in the warmest cassock and warm woolen cassock, under a warm blanket; severe pain in the lower back. Yes, I felt like I had a bad cold from this, from the prolapse of the spinal canal. And my natural rot, scrofula, with the wind from the east (from St. Petersburg) became agitated and raged. Oh, heavy waves of sweetness! Tame it, Lord! I was sick with a cold and was lying in bed; Doctor Alexey Nikolaevich Dmitriev was invited. On the night of the 31st I felt good and felt perfect health throughout my entire being. God bless! The weather is damp, snowy, there is an abyss of snow. There was severe pain in the lower back, shooting in the head, and before that chills, trembling, severe [difficulty], weakness throughout the whole being, soreness. Thank the Lord! If he does not hate his own life, he cannot be My disciple, says the Lord [Luke 14:26]. What is your soul? This is the animal, the vital principle in man, or the old man, according to Scripture, in which all human passions nest and live and operate: unbelief, doubt, self-love, pride, ambition, vanity, malice, envy, jealousy, love of money, voluptuousness, greed, gluttony, satiety, drunkenness, fornication, adultery, the evil eye, blissfulness, anger, irritability, suspicion, laziness, carelessness about one need and in general about matters of rank, idleness, inaction, disobedience, resistance to superiors, parents, elders, indignation, rebellion, quarrels, litigation, insults, lies, deception, infidelity in love, perjury and the like - this is our soul, or the old man! It is obvious from here that such a soul should be loved or hated! – Of course, to hate as God’s adversary and adversary of our well-being and the doer of all evil and destruction, and to be alienated from her, as she is alienated from God and His holy commandments, and to put her to death, according to the Apostle: they who are Christ’s, the flesh is crucified with passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. I subdue and enslave my body, so that, while preaching to others, I myself may not remain unworthy [1 Cor. 9:27]. Whoever wants to love God must despise carnal pleasures and passions, for it is impossible to work for God and mammon [Matthew 6:24], that is, to love the multi-passionate flesh and the impassive God. What fellowship is there between light and darkness, and righteousness against lawlessness [2 Cor. 6:14]? And the human heart is one and simple, it cannot be divided between God and the world, it can be tied entirely to one thing: either to God, or to the world, to the flesh, to sin. Yes, and because of the love of God, the all-good, all-righteous, all-wise, all-blessed, eternal, all-powerful God, it is worth despising both the flesh and all the beauties, sweets, honors, glory and wealth of this vain, temporary, corruptible, transitory world, which never saturates or satisfies our immortal spirit; It is worth counting the sweets of the world for bitterness, wealth for poverty and poverty, glory for dishonor and vanity, beauty for ugliness, for in comparison with God everything is nothing, despicable. Anyone who desires purity and chastity, but he himself chases after sweet foods and drinks (sweet teas and the like) and is indifferently looking at pretty, beautiful faces, is like a person who builds with one hand and destroys what is being created with the other, and will never achieve purity and chastity. It is necessary to remove all reasons for unchastity and voluptuousness. And food and drink are a great lever of voluptuousness. Why are you staring at bodies that are pus and ichor? Is this worthy of a human being, a rational, godlike, immortal being? Look with your intelligent eyes constantly at the imperishable, uncreated beauty, which has partially manifested itself in creatures, copulate with it, enjoy it, admire it. See to it that there is no creature between you and God that separates you from God in a sinful way; Let the image of God be completely united with its Prototype, as it should be. Let the kindred cleave to the kindred, to the throne of purity, to the incorruptible, the incorruptible. Shoes are old, worn-out boots with the tops cut off at the ankles. Negligence (French) – neglect of one’s duties, negligence in their performance. Belial (Heb.) – lit.: insignificant, worthless. In the Bible, this word is applied to all depraved, wicked and evil people, but especially to Satan, as the main culprit of all wickedness and evil. At Vespers, the first prayer of the lamp. Verbal (church glory) – spiritual; understood in a figurative, spiritual sense. Simple (Church Slavic) – whole, indivisible into parts; open, direct, pure, sincere. Smart (church glory) – spiritual.