Июнь 1879 г.

I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me from great heart troubles: first, from the trouble that happened to me in the carriage of Nevsky Prospekt, when a woman in whitish summer clothes with [hoods] entered it, with her nose buried in a book (I was filled with anger towards her, which tormented me greatly); Tune 47 I hated the woman in my heart, and therefore my soul was extremely wounded and troubled; I repented for a long time, and only on the ship to Kronstadt did the Lord forgive me my sin, and I felt calm and at ease; secondly, from the misfortune that I caused myself at home through my impatience and my carnal effeminacy, unable to bear the strong smell of camphor in the piano and in fur clothes; I became angry with my family, fell away from love and fell into hostility, which tormented me greatly. I repented to the Lord with all my heart, sincerely condemning myself - and glory to God! He did not hesitate to have mercy on me, and here I am again at peace, although I am unworthy of peace, as a many-sinner, many-passionate. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who healed the servant of God Ulyana, who had been sick for a long time with heartache and pain in the pit of the stomach and in the left side, who had been ill for four years and, apparently, from evil spirits, because she was reluctant to go to church (except, according to her, when I was serving), and even when I read prayers exorcising over demons and the prayer to the Holy Father, demons began to torment her and she was in extreme relaxation started screaming loudly: oh! Ouch! Since this was after I celebrated the Liturgy and after my communion of the Holy Mysteries, it is clear that the Holy Mysteries worked miracles here, reviving me, cleansing my heart impurities and healing my spiritual ulcers! Glory to the miracles and powers of the Divine Mysteries of Christ, the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord. For the sermon on the 2nd week of Pentecost. The devil catches every person with the milk of his various sins and sinful inclinations. His nets are spread over the whole earth; catches the bait of human pride, pride, envy, malice, anger, rancor, gluttony and delicacy, gluttony and drunkenness, long sleep and laziness, idleness, negligence, fornication, love of money, stinginess, greed, hard-heartedness, ambition, vanity and vanity (in clothing, home furnishings, etc.), unbelief, free-thinking, sedition, bitterness towards everyone, despair, drunkenness. Saturday. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who heard me in my distress and sorrow, who oppressed me for my satiety, and who delivered me from them for my repentance and faith with hope. And the Lord gave me a tender prayer with tears. But how care for appearance and addiction to perishable decorations kills spiritual life and strips the soul of the grace of God, depriving the heart of peace and spaciousness! While burning my gratuitous kamilavka, I regretted it so that it would not become sooty from the smoke, and suddenly my heart was deprived of peace and freedom and died from sin due to alienation from the Lord. It was not through heartfelt repentance that I suddenly acquired boldness and peace! Oh, away with perishable ornaments! Let me care with all my heart for the incorruptible beauty of the garment in Christ: As many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ [Gal.3:27]. I saw in the home gymnasium church in St. Petersburg a magnificent, varied sacristy made up of many vestments and various utensils, better than the royal court. But, I think, it takes too much hold of the minds and hearts of the priests serving in the church and feeds a thirst for vain, earthly decoration, distracting the heart from Christ, the incorruptible, heavenly, eternal King. I was envious, but now I’m not jealous. Too beautiful and rich vestments are a kind of idols of the heart. True, splendor and splendor are befitting of a holy church and the worship of our Church; such a majestic priest, but serving in magnificent vestments, must be careful not to look at the decorations, at the beauty and grace of the vestments, for a vestment that is beautiful on the outside is nothing without the interior. Woe to the priest if, despite the splendor of his vestments, his soul is not beautiful, ugly and stinking of sins. Peace of mind, tranquility of conscience, constant heartfelt repentance before God - this is the fine robe of the soul of a Christian. The future Kingdom of Heaven is compared to the sea - it is a sea of ​​bliss! Everyone will draw from it as much as they want and can, according to their acceptability and to the extent that someone here has developed love for God and neighbor, love for virtue (Yanyshev). The effect of Christian love is compared to the effect of the sun's rays. Some shiny, polished body, receiving the sun's rays, reflects them, like a water fountain, in all directions, in the thousands; These tiny rays, or streams of light, illuminating nearby objects in all directions, emanating from the sun, do not break away from it, but rest in it and return to it. Saturation and gluttony make me powerless in the fight against invisible enemies, timid and fearful: I am afraid of fear where there is none. And abstinence makes me cheerful and strong in the fight against temptations, just as Jesus Christ, after forty days of fasting and prayer, returned in spiritual strength for humanity. We sing angelic singing (Holy, Holy, Holy... Alleluia... and Holy God, Holy Mighty, Holy Immortal) in the church, imitating the Angels and to show that the Angels invisibly serve with us and glorify the Lord. And the slightest addiction to perishable objects: to money, to decorations and distinctions, to food and drinks - has always been for me the cause of spiritual darkness, sorrow, cramped conditions, suffering, cooling towards God, and I immediately tried to get out of this painful situation through repentance. Have I still not come to my senses and do not consider everything earthly as insignificant rubbish, which will eventually turn into ashes, insignificance? Oh, the beauty of enemy! Oh, stupid, earth-sinking heart! What diversity and richness of the worship of our Orthodox Church! What sweetness, what edification of all the prayers, chants, psalms and spiritual songs (stichera, irmos, troparia, kontakia, irmos, antiphons, ikos, luminary, exapostilaria)! What a sea of ​​light and bliss the divine service of our Church is for the souls of sincerely pious! And most Orthodox Christians do not know him and do not sympathize with him and avoid him. Many people know the science of worship, but this science is a cold system and is far from instilling a love for worship in students or those who read it. And in church, divine services are often performed carelessly and with large gaps, and here an Orthodox Christian cannot get a proper understanding of it and is repulsed from the divine service and from the church. Woe to the shepherds of the people! Why are you, bastard Satan, blaspheming and desecrating in thoughts and feelings the beautiful creation of God in the image and likeness of man, even the Holiest of all saints and the Holiest of women? Away, scoundrel, in the name of Christ, with all your blasphemies and abominations! Be gone, perverter of God's most beautiful creation! Go to your tartar! Wake up! Although I am a sinner, I am a repentant one of God. What the priests Fathers Konstantin Vetvenitsky and Peter P. Preobrazhensky told me about the modern unbelief of learned people! They mock religion, the Orthodox faith. Let every soul be subject to the higher authorities, for there is no authority except from God, - wrote the Apostle Paul to believers who were under pagan authorities, - but the existing authorities were established by God [Rom. 13:1]. And we live under Christian authorities, to whom we must all the more obey in due conscience, sincerely, according to the conviction of our hearts. Away with all sedition and all rebellion of the devil, flee far from Christian souls. God! Destroy in me all the works of the devil, that is, every sin, take away from my heart all the stench of sin and fragrance me with the perfect holiness of Your Holy Spirit for the sake of Your most pure blood shed for me. Amen. In the evening. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace and mercy to celebrate the Divine Liturgy in the cathedral, although with great obstacles and the machinations of invisible enemies, due to my great sins and because of my long non-service in the church; I thank the Lord for reviving me, dead in sins: I miraculously revived after communion of the Holy Mysteries and served Vespers briskly, without stumbling. I was very nervous and irritable to the extreme during mass. At the great entrance, I was embarrassed by the lack of voice and could not pronounce the names of the royal family. Unworthy [Russian: worthless] are the passions of the present time for the glory that desires to appear in us [in comparison with the glory that will be revealed in us] [Rom. 8:18], that is, addiction to food, clothing, wealth, to earthly distinctions and advantages, to earthly pleasures, amusements; However, by passions we must understand various sufferings, such as illness, persecution, anger from people, insults. The Lord unites in one spirit with a righteous and pious person and lives in his heart, as in His church, and acts savingly in him; and the devil also unites into one spirit with an unrighteous and corrupt person who lives unrepentantly, lives in his heart as in his home, and acts disastrously in him. I thank the Lord, who honored me with repeated deliverance during the liturgy from the invisible enemies who oppressed me, and I especially thank the Lord for the wonderful revival and renewal of me through the communion of the Divine Mysteries of His Most Pure Body and Blood and for the unfailing service in a clear, loud voice. Today I served a thanksgiving service (for deliverance from illness and for other countless blessings), a thanksgiving prayer service in my apartment and sprinkled holy water, among other things, on the new icon in memory of the millennium of Russia. What is my life like? Every day I please my belly, I am satiated, I feast, like people who do not know God; I live not as a priest, as a Christian, but as a pagan and worse than many pagans living in poverty. On Peter's Fast I eat fast food: green cabbage soup with eggs, fish in quick butter, milk: this food makes me sick, but I ate it because my wife makes me eat like a weak and infirm person. My God, have mercy on me! Give me abstinence that is pleasing to You. This afternoon I slept twice: in the morning after Matins (from seven and a half to nine o’clock and in the afternoon from three and a half to four and a half). It’s hard after eggs and curdled milk and after fatty green cabbage soup with black bread. I condemn this pagan, greedy expectation of lunch every day; I should have no other desire than Christ, and no other dinner than mass, or liturgy, at which the Body of Christ is taught; There should be no other sweetness, other than the sweetness of Christ, no other saturation than saturation with the shrine and righteousness of Christ. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied [Matthew 5:6]. The same villain, slanderer and slanderer (the devil), who cools my heart, my faith and hope in the Most Holy Theotokos, has completely cooled it or cools it very often during the service of God to the Empress Queen, to the sovereign, to the heir and his wife, to the archpastor and to all people, and not only cools it - it does not allow me to pronounce their names, it crushes, torments the soul when pronouncing them, and makes me dumb. suggests. O damned one! But I will confront you in the name of the Lord and defeat you, villain! Priests were established for people by God because they necessarily need them: people are sinful, unclean, guilty before God, they need the grace of purification, sanctification, reconciliation with God, and this grace was entrusted from God to the priests, He put in them the word of reconciliation, He appointed some as Apostles, others as prophets, others as Evangelists, others as shepherds and teachers, for the perfection of the saints, for the work of ministry... [ Eph.4:11–12 ]; He charged them first of all... to make prayers, petitions, supplications, thanksgivings for all people [1 Timothy 2:1]. Just as the sun is needed for the earth, so priests are needed for sinful people - to enlighten, sanctify, revive people darkened and killed by sins, or, better, just as the sun is needed for the earth, so the Church of God with its divine laws and institutions, hierarchy, teaching and Sacraments is needed for people. Many acts of God’s wonderful creativity through the laws established by God continue to this day and will continue until the end of time, such as the acts of the birth of all rational and verbal and irrational and dumb creatures, the growth of all genera and species of plants, and we still marvel at the Lord in His deeds, marvel at His omnipotence, goodness, wisdom, endless beauty, endless sweetness in the countless variety of fruits earthly, of which each has its own wondrous sweetness, imparting pleasure, coolness, strength and strength, health, vigor, and joy to man and other creatures. Glory, glory, glory to our wondrous, all-good, wise and almighty God forever and ever! Amen. Because of yesterday's gluttony and satiety, I lost the great grace of God, communicated to me in the communion of the Holy Mysteries during the liturgy, and during the service of Vespers I stumbled several times in my words, and today at Matins I felt the greatest impoverishment of grace and was subjected to strong temptations from invisible enemies who embarrassed and pressed me and did not allow me to pronounce the litanies and dismissals. Midnight Office; At the end of Matins, by the grace of God, he defeated his enemies. God bless! (The weather was rainy, my internal nerves were upset, and at night the temptation for fornication was extremely strong.) After mass. I thank the Lord, who graciously and sovereignly delivered me from the great spiritual trouble, sorrow, oppression and shame that befell me for the feeling of hostility towards my neighbors, of which I deeply repented (camphor in the house in all the clothes of fur and wool, put by my wife). How glad I was when the Lord had mercy on me. The whole mass was easy for me. He received Holy Communion in a wonderfully life-giving way. After mass, requiem and prayer service; Before the use of the Holy Mysteries, the sexton Zrelov told me that Father Alexander was interrupting my requests, and I, of little faith and unloving, was extremely embarrassed by this, falling into a tightness of heart, but soon I realized that I was acting absurdly in view of the Holy life-giving Mysteries, which for me are life, peace, light, deliverance, purification, sanctification, joy, bliss, wealth, sweetness, strength, greatest honor, incorruptibility and eternal life, I was ashamed of my cowardice, repented, and the Lord gave me peace and the uncondemned use of the Holy Gifts. In such a world, partly wavering because of my addiction to the flesh and visible goods, I remained until the end of the prayer service in Dmitrieva’s house at the market of the tradesman Nikolai Nazarov and Marya Dmitrievna, and after that, especially after a hearty snack, melancholy and pity for Father Alexander again attacked me, that he was interrupting me in my needs and depriving me of income; went to the gymnasium for a council in anguish, sat there in anguish, came out without waiting for the end, in anguish, walked along the road and repented (and secretly repented at the council), reflecting on the absurdity of my passion, that because of little money, by relying on them, and not on God, my soul had fallen from love for God and neighbor, out of pride, carnality, voluptuousness, envy, pride, love of money. Oh, damned one! How I cleave to corruption and my corruptible, voluptuous flesh! And what oppression, sorrow, shame, darkness, what dumbness I am subjected to 48 because of love for her, for this multi-passionate flesh, which a Christian must despise, passes away. The Word of God teaches us: Have a disposition that does not love money, being content with what you have. For He Himself said: I will never leave you nor forsake you [Heb.13:5]. Before communion or the final use of the Holy Gifts, when the enemy extremely embarrassed and oppressed me through the pity of the income stolen from me by Father Alexander, I remembered that God Himself was in me, that I should be all grief and not at all attached to anything earthly, relying completely on God, that I, like the apostles, martyrs, saints, should count everything earthly as rubbish and should be heavenly - it became easy and good for me until then With my thoughts and feelings I again clung to the earthly, having fallen away from the heavenly. When will I stand at the height of my calling? When will I give up both my body and the whole world with its delights? When will I be a stranger to them? When will I be all in God? When will I stop envying, loving money, feasting on food, being satiated, drinking wine, dressing elegantly and expensively, loving worldly splendor and being amazed at it? All this is nothing more than smoke, steam, dust, a dream, a dream, everything will pass and disappear. We must quickly, quickly renounce the world and learn to live in God - this is the only thing needed. I suffer from corruption because of attachment to perishable things and because of the immoderate use of perishable goods. God! Raise my belly from aphids 49 . Evening. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the baptism of a baby in church with great freedom of spirit and boldness, and Vespers in the same way. (This is after I told Father Alexander’s wife that he was interrupting me in my demands, depriving me of income, and this circumstance embarrassed and upset me very much.) The experience of twenty-four years of my priesthood showed clearly that God did not leave me in anything and all of our clergy, with His rich providence, even in abundance, gave us everything we needed for life. Meanwhile, I am still faint-hearted, embarrassed, upset when the brethren intentionally or unintentionally interrupt me in my duties, as if they were thereby depriving me of my daily food. If one of them fulfilled any requirement, then thank God, at least the work is not worth it, and, therefore, they needed to do this work and receive an income, for the worker is worthy of food [Matthew 10:10]. But grant us to always live in mutual love and not envy our brother, not be covetous, not angry, and preserve love, which is worth more than millions of rubles. I regret that yesterday I listened to the absurd suggestion of the devil regarding Father Alexander. I sinned before God many times in that I did not remember the departed forefathers, fathers and brothers, and Orthodox Christians everywhere sincerely, but coldly, carelessly, hastily, and did not serve the Liturgy fervently, although I often cried about my sins; he remembered the living insincerely, conducted many services insincerely, coldly, hastily; You need to fix your heart. All-passionate, crafty, nasty and blasphemous thoughts inspired by the devil are absurdity, lies, you need to spit on them in the first moment and immediately reflect them. Confusion, fear, fear of the devil is also absurdity - look boldly at everyone and say in church during worship what you should; If you are afraid, it will be worse, the enemy will overpower you. Courage and patience! After Matins. I thank the Lord with all my heart, which He delivered, for all His mercies that were revealed to me during Matins, when I served, and after Matins, when I went out of town to the gardener to serve a prayer service, for the Lord delivered me from unclean lusts and from evil yearning. It’s wonderful for me that after the Lenten table today I was very irritable and weak before Vespers, during Vespers and after it, on the contrary, yesterday after eating a quick meal: green cabbage soup, noodles, curdled milk - I was very calm. I thank the Lord with all my heart for giving me the grace to perform the entire liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving, victorious Divine Mysteries! Glory to the life-giving warmth of the Holy Mysteries! The greatest spiritual experience and the greatest spiritual art are needed to stand with dignity and life-giving during the liturgy or to perform it (as a priest or bishop), for this is the wisest, holiest, highest service on earth, in which the infinite truth and holiness of God was revealed, especially the love and mercy of God for us sinners. This service is a constant test of the conscience and heartfelt dispositions and inclinations of every clergyman; The liturgy either justifies or condemns its performer each time. To stand with dignity during the liturgy or serve it, Christian love is especially needed: Let us love one another, and with like-mindedness 50... In order to stand at the liturgy pleasingly to God, it is necessary to completely master the subject of the liturgy (the entire life of the Savior from the shrouds to the tomb, from the resurrection to the ascension and sending of the Holy Spirit), or for the liturgy to completely master our mind and heart. Who is the best expert and master in the sciences and arts and in industrial, agricultural and other matters? He who has completely mastered his subject, studied it comprehensively, turned it, so to speak, into his juices and blood, so that it became the soul of his soul. And how many obstacles there are for a person to master this greatest subject of liturgy! How many temptations from the world, the flesh, the devil! We must put aside all worldly cares and addictions and be in grief, with the Angels and saints and with the Lord of the Angels Himself, we must have a pure heart, we must have the Holy Spirit within us. Morning. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the speedy deliverance from my spiritual trouble, sorrow and crampedness that befell me just before Matins for neglecting the poor girl who was constantly begging me for alms, for stinginess and hard-heartedness. When I realized my sin and felt it, asking for deliverance, oh, how quickly the Lord had mercy, delivered, and what peace, what boldness he granted me! I served Matins with grace, with the zeal of God, with a triumphant spirit, without stumbling, in the breadth of my heart. At the end of Matins, the disembodied enemy strongly overwhelmed me with coldness and hostility towards Archpastor Isidore for his once insightful treatment of me (although I uttered all the outcries and dismissed him), but I humbled myself, condemned myself, worthy of all contempt, remembered that he bears on himself and within himself the image of Christ the Chief Shepherd, and was reconciled with him by the grace of God and calmed down. At home, after Matins, the enemy greatly wounded, confused, oppressed and killed my soul through an evil, unclean, corrupt view of a virgin’s face, but through repentance and the ineffable mercy of my Lord I again received peace and boldness. Oh, how purely, simply, holyly one must look at all the works of God’s hands, especially at man, created in the image of the holiness and truth of God and the beauty of the Divine! Evening. I thank the Lord for His speedy and immeasurably great mercy, which was revealed to me at six and a half o’clock in the evening in the altar of our main cathedral. I had melancholy and sorrow in my heart (after I decisively and with vexation refused to petition the chief of staff for Ksenia Grigorieva, the mother of the unfortunate son Gabriel, who was expelled from service for drunkenness). But when I diligently fell to the holy throne in repentance, soon the melancholy and sorrow ceased and a wonderful peace of mind, both breadth and spaciousness, appeared in my soul. Glory to God who saves, who gives life! Every now and then, when we are visiting someone at the table, while drinking wine, only in words or in fact, we sincerely express our wishes for health or success in life. Are these wishes of ours always pleasing to God and are they always useful to the owner himself? Another person who treats is already very healthy, and precisely because he is healthy, he lives wickedly and lawlessly, not seeing himself punished for his sins, and thus abuses the precious gift of health. By expressing to him our wishes for greater health, from the heart or not from the heart, flatteringly or sincerely, we, so to speak, want to participate and participate in his sins and bring upon ourselves the wrath of the righteous God and, by drinking to his health, we bring ill health to ourselves, according to the word of the prophet: you took advantage of Naaman’s silver and clothes, take for yourself his leprosy [2 Kings 5:20–27]. Why don’t we wish our hospitable souls salvation, correction of life, a godly life, the grace of God? This custom would have a Christian character and would lead many to the right path. And now we all serve only the flesh and the world always and everywhere, and not God. We are real pagans and even worse than them! How much satiety, drunkenness, cries of madness we have (hurray!), idle games of cards that kill time and are accompanied by new drunkenness! I thank the Lord for the merciful and great deliverance from the fierce sorrow, oppression, pressure, and confusion of the devil, which shook me at the end of the prayer service, after I, due to the slander of the disembodied enemy and out of vain fear, did not pronounce some words in the Gospel and in the absolution of names. For quite a long time the devil, catching me in his words, pressed me and strangled me, I did not find peace; finally, having fallen with great zeal and heartfelt self-condemnation to the throne of grace, he immediately received great deliverance and, as it were, a resurrection from the dead. The same thing happened at the beginning of mass. Several times the Lord saved me and helped me outside the city during the funeral service for the servant of God Mary (the daughter of a sausage maker, a married woman, very pious). God bless. I thank and exalt the Lord for His immeasurable mercy, poured out on me at the beginning of Matins and continuously continuing throughout the entire Matins, in the wonderful revitalization of my entire being during the reading and singing of the litanies, the canon, the stichera on the praises and on the verse. My soul and my body were struck with sinful death for suspicion, stinginess and hardness of heart towards the poor who asked me for alms, to whom I gave it reluctantly and forcedly; I felt cramped, sad, stuffy after that, and I began to diligently repent of my pride, love of money, hardness of heart, pride, malice, suspicion, delicacy and satiety, and the Lord soon heard me and gave me the desired peace and a spacious, light heart. The Holy Fire revived me, deadened by sins. But after Matins, I again fell into the same hardness of heart and suspicion, and again the same misfortune befell me - again I began to sincerely repent and ask the Lord for mercy (at home, especially in my apartment), and the Lord again had mercy on me with the greatest mercy. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, in a loud, pure voice, and to partake of the life-giving Divine Mysteries. But a mental wolf almost swallowed me up due to my passion (for in the depths of my soul all passions nest due to my intemperance and negligence), because of a trifle, arousing in my heart hostility towards the sexton Zrelov for the fact that he sang little of the sacrament and stichera, or songs during communion (and in general was lazy and extremely hasty in reading and singing); the enemy so confused, constrained, and pinched me that I barely, through repentance and a strong cry to the Lord, gained control of myself and calmly finished the service, for the Lord gave me peace of mind by nailing 51, expelling from my heart like a nail the devil who had entered into it through hostility. I thank the Lord for His greatest victory in me over the adversary the devil. Then the enemy once again greatly disadvantaged me and confused me during the baptism of a female child in the church, after being anointed with holy myrrh, putting an evil and unclean thought into my thought. Through much repentance and self-condemnation I was delivered from the greatest oppression and spiritual death. Then for the third time the enemy pinched me while ascending the stairs leading to the main headquarters, and in the headquarters itself, where I went to ask for mercy of the clerk Gabriel. Then he pestered me with the thought and fear that the deacon was giving the mug for the week to my wife, and not to me, and that my wife was not giving me the money I needed and wanted. Oh, dreams of the enemy! But I have money, and isn’t my wife a stranger to me, and isn’t our good common? If the piece in your brother’s hands seems larger than yours, and you envy him and are tormented by it, then your eye is not simple, but deceitful. A simple eye does not look at other people’s goods, but is content with its own, even if it is small, for for great good one must give a great account to the Lord. If your eye is partial, looking with pleasure at beautiful and well-dressed people, and contemptuously at ugly and ill-dressed or half-clad people because of poverty, then your eye is deceitful and leads you into sin, making you an adversary to the Lord, for you do not want to [see] anything beyond appearance in a person created in the image of God: in every person there is a soul in the image of God, and in the ugly and poor it can to be more in the image than that of a handsome and rich man. I glorify, unworthy, Your innumerable goodness, Lord, as you graciously had mercy on me, who fell into the devil’s anger against the poor before early mass and repented before You, and gave me spiritual peace with space. But, despite the peace of mind, I again crawled away from him into confusion at the great entrance because of the trifle that St. Anna’s ribbon and cross stood on my chest on top of the pectoral cross, and I began to correct it, but did not correct it. And again the Lord showed mercy for repentance. The Lord God is the simplest being, like a thought, like a ray of light, is the simplest or purest holiness, it is true - one momentary thought of lawlessness that arises in us is an abomination to Him and removes Him from our soul. Only sincere repentance of this thought and complete removal of it from ourselves reconciles us again with God. What can we say about our many and countless sins, committed in thought, word and deed? Of course, if we do not repent of them, they separate us from God. But in contrast, the devil, as a spirit, is a simple being, and, as stated above, one lawless thought or sinful movement of the heart makes us accomplices of his malice, combines our soul with him, the source of evil, for which he greatly rejoices and triumphs. Therefore, God cannot dwell in a person guilty of sin unless, as has been said, the person sincerely repents of his sin. Therefore, God rests eternally in the saints, since they have forever, forever, by the grace of God, completely ceased all connection with sin and there cannot be a single unrighteous thought in them for a moment; They are the purest shrine, truth, goodness, purest light, especially the Mother of God the Word of the Lord Jesus Christ, who surpassed in purity all the Angels, all the ranks of angels, and according to Her all the holy apostles, prophets, forefathers, saints, martyrs, reverends and all saints. Glory to Thee, Immaculate Lady! Glory to you, all saints, for in you the Holy Spirit eternally rests with the Father and His Only Begotten Son. I thank the Lord, who again delivered me from rapid anger at my wife, but I was angry with her after a nap (after early mass) because she opened the windows wide in the dining room in a strong wind and opposite these windows were open in the dining room, so that there was a strong draft wind. May I never hold anger against anyone and may I never be an accomplice of the devil. Wake up! Amen. I thank the Lord, who gave me gracious help during the baptism of a baby in the basement of the house of Turigin, Dmitry Gavrilov N... With great boldness and grace-filled peace, I performed all the prayers and rituals. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the resurgent anger in my heart against the young father of Deacon Arseny Petrovich Dobronravin for not letting me know about his departure to St. Petersburg and leaving me alone to serve mass... The devil was strongly taking me captive, inciting me to be angry with my brother, but I earnestly prayed to the Lord to remove evil from my heart and give me perfect, unceasing love, covering everything and enduring and bearing each other’s burdens, and soon I felt within myself the mercy of God, reviving my soul. It was at the christening of Gavril Vukolov Baranov, opposite the Vladimir Church. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me from the beginning of anger and envy (upon arriving home in the evening, at ten o’clock in the evening) at the sight of everyone at home eating my favorite milk (yogurt); Having recognized my sin and the intention of the devil, I immediately turned to the Lord in heartfelt repentance, asking to deliver me from the brew of anger and envy and restore love in me. And the Lord, seeing my sincere repentance, delivered me from demonic malice, which began to flare up in me like fire, to oppress me, and gave me forgiveness, peace, boldness, freedom, righteousness. I extol His benevolence and endless mercy, immeasurable bounties. I thank the Lord for a peaceful night. Grant, Lord, a holy, peaceful, sinless, prosperous day. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over the enemies of embarrassment and fear during the funeral service for the postmaster’s wife, Anna. My thoughts told me: I can’t serve a memorial service, she’s a Catholic, but I said: an unbelieving wife is sanctified by a believing husband [1 Cor. 7:14]; My Orthodox husband and Orthodox children want to serve the memorial service and ask me, and I serve without a doubt. Husband, why do you know if you can save your wife? [ 1 Corinthians 7:16 ]. At the first small litany I stumbled, not pronouncing some words, hiding them while the sexton was singing, and at the last one I recovered, became emboldened and spoke loudly everything, as well as the entire release, turning to the west. God bless! I thank the Lord for the grace of healing of the poor girl Daria, the daughter of the deceased sailor Ivan Obedkov: she suffered severely in her legs, lost her appetite, did not eat anything, but when I, called by her mother to their apartment, prayed for her healing, the many-merciful and quick-to-obey Vladyka soon healed her, and the whole family was comforted. Her mother, on my advice, put linden leaves on her feet and tied them around her feet, and immediately she became healthy. Great, O Lord, and wonderful are Your works! 52 But the greatest mercy of God is actually over me and the greatest miracle is that the Lord revives me, dead through sins, every day, cleanses the bad, reconciles the guilty, but repentant with the righteousness of God and justifies with His righteousness, makes the weak strong, pacifies the troubled, comforts the faint-hearted, spreads the oppressed, enlightens the darkened, the naked He clothes the fearful, enriches the poor, glorifies the dishonored. How many mercies every day from my Lord to the indecent me! Evening. I sinned gravely before God and before myself that I ate meat at lunch today on Wednesday and during Peter’s Fast, for the sake of gluttony, breaking the commandment about fasting and killing my soul with voluptuousness. Yes, I clearly felt cardiac death from meat-eating when I was called to give farewell to the postmaster Ivan Mikhailovich Lossky; I barely read the familiar prayers, I didn’t read them heartily, without being imbued with them, without sincerity! Oh, woe to me, damned glutton! From now on, Lord, grant me never to eat meat during Lent. Forgive me for my current gluttony, forgive me for my satiety! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the greatest temptation of the enemy, for my voluptuousness, hard-heartedness and love of money and for my pride that befell me, for looking with lust, for secretly contempt for a beggar who has ugliness on the nose of an old woman and does not give alms. I repented and prayed while walking in the park, and, approaching the gymnasium itself, I was honored with the great mercy of the Lord - the remission of sins, peace and space. Glory to the long-suffering of the Lord! Glory to His invincible mercy! Six o'clock in the evening. Yesterday again and again I was fed up and, moreover, broke my fast in the evening for the sake of imaginary health; Without finishing the canon to the holy apostles and Nicholas the Wonderworker, I went and ate some unleavened milk: why does it stand there and no one eats it? Then he finished the canon and soon went to bed - but what happened? My stomach and sides are bursting, I can’t sleep, however, I fell asleep for half an hour, then I woke up and couldn’t sleep, I got up and walked around; then, feeling my bad habit and passion for eating and drinking and responsibility before God and the harm from it, I began to pray: I read with feeling the service every day to our Lord Jesus Christ, which is permeated with the whole thought of the Last Judgment of men. Then I walked around the room for a long time and did different movements to get rid of the burden and tightness and pressure. Went to bed, about two hours later it was light, fell asleep, but sometimes I woke up: there was tightness in my whole body! Oh, what a disgrace! Oh, bestial state! And I am also a priest who must live heavenly on earth, imitating the disembodied Angels, in fasting, prayer, glorification, vigil, contemplation of God, in labors and deeds. I curse myself! We, the damned, are doing what was predicted by the Savior about the time before the flood and the fiery rain that once destroyed the wicked, and about the time before His second coming! Yadyahu, piyahu [Luke 17:27]... they ate and drank, being satiated and drunken. Demons prevent me, due to intemperance, from pronouncing a short doxology to the Most Holy Trinity: Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, in addition to much else from the divine service. Oh, dirty tricks! And what stinking winds from the belly when eating fast food, as if from a garbage pit and even worse! Can the Holy Spirit abide in this stinking vessel - our body, or can a holy Guardian Angel be with us? Oh, He, the Holy Spirit, departs and he, the holy Angel of God, for He, the Holy Spirit, is the purest shrine, the being of the shrine, just as His Angel, His creation, is the fragrance of the shrine. Evening. Eleven and a half o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who showed me His ineffable mercy in the morning on the way to the gymnasium in delivering my soul from spiritual death, from the great oppression and sorrow that befell me righteously for my stinginess, love of money and cruelty towards the poor man, who asked me fifty kopecks to buy shoes and pantaloons; I gave it to him forcedly, reluctantly, with suspicion of parasitism, and for this hard-heartedness and contempt I was punished by the Lord, who searches hearts and entrails, and after sincere repentance I was awarded forgiveness, peace and freedom from Him when I was close to the gymnasium, and then I stood very calmly in the exam of sixth-grade students. I thank the Lord, for He gave lips, boldness and wisdom to the disciples to answer very well. I prayed to the Lord for this in the church before the holy throne and was not ashamed in my hope for God’s mercy. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the torment of the devil’s blasphemy against the Most Pure, Most Blessed Mother of God, with which the scoundrel and slanderer, the liar and the universal scoundrel beheaded me in the apartment of the shoemaker Abramov while reading prayers to the mother in labor. Walking back through the park, I repented, renounced the blasphemer and blasphemy, united myself with Christ and His truth - and received the longed-for peace after confusion and languor. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the languor of sin in Grechukhin’s apartment: it befell me due to the uncleanness of my heart after greeting and kissing a little twelve-year-old girl. For my heartfelt self-condemnation, the Lord delivered me from languor [Jer.32:11]. Glorify the Lord of hosts, for the Lord is good, for His mercy endures forever. Friday. I thank and glorify the most merciful Lord, who delivered me during Matins from spiritual death, into which I fell through my lust, gluttony, satiety, love of money, greed, stinginess, and malice. When I was going to Matins, I saw an old man (a Catholic Pole) and allowed in my heart hostility and suspicion towards him, as a person who seemed to be hostile to us Russians, and as a beggar who, perhaps, has significant money; however, I gave him five kopecks. But the Lord punished me for the disposition of my heart towards the beggar, for my stinginess, hard-heartedness, greed, anger and suspicion: my insides ignited with hellish fire, I felt cramped, painful, sad, there was no peace, freedom, or boldness in me. I resorted to heartfelt repentance, standing at the throne in the Church of the Intercession of the Mother of God, and the Lord had mercy on me, raised my soul from the dead, and miraculously revived me. What a change there was, like after night - light, like after flame - cool dew, like after captivity - freedom, like after death - life! O the plagues of my Lord Jesus Christ! For your sake I healed. After Matins, I went to the merchant Golubev to advise him to order us to serve magpie; he agreed, and everything was fine with me, but only, leaving him, I said the word: he will help out, that is, the soul of the one who died from sins and demons during the ordeal, and at this word he will help me out, I doubted that I had said correctly, that is, I supposedly said wrongly, that the deceased was not many sinners, like a young maiden, and through doubt the adversary hurt me deeply. For a long time I suffered from this ulcer, I prayed in the porch and at home, and through sincere, deep repentance, the Lord pacified me and revived me. Glory to His truth and mercy! Gluttony kills the life of the heart, spiritually, it weakens, burdens, binds the soul, turns away from prayer, reading the word of God, contemplation of God, from spiritual writing, in a word, it destroys spiritual talents. I see this clearly in myself and in drunkards. Twelve o'clock in the afternoon. God! Heal the sickness of my will, for here I grieve in my heart that the archpriest and rector Father Pavel rejected the service of the magpie for the maiden Golubeva and advised her father Vasily Nikolaevich to remember it in the cathedral annually, while my desire was to serve the magpie (that is, early masses for 40 days). Grant me, Lord, to willingly obey the will of the abbot and not have the slightest hostility towards him because he acts against my will. Grant me to see Your good and pleasing will in the will of the superior and to remember that my will is sinful, imperfect, sometimes blind, selfish, evil, harmful to myself and to others. So I am embarrassed and grieved because the abbot did the opposite, I feel hostility towards him, which means that I am proud, angry, proud, willful, self-seeking, I do not have humility, unfeigned love, obedience, devotion to the will of God, hope in God’s Providence, which constantly cares for us and wisely arranges everything for our good. Enlighten, O Lord, the eyes of my heart and grant me holy will, in accordance with Your wise, all-good, all-holy and almighty will. Wake up! Forgive the sin of my will and heal my soul, for those who have sinned against You. Sometimes I think that my will is a good will, but meanwhile it is the will of my many-passionate flesh, which must be cut off. Such is my will as mentioned above: it is the will of the flesh, as a selfish will. When I finished the last words, the Lord sent me peace of mind, and mortal poison (sinful, devilish poison) disappeared from my heart. Glory to the Lord, the physician of my soul! How important it is for our life to know ourselves, our will, our heart, our sins, inclinations, passions, our goals, our motives! Prayers sent to God with a clear conscience, in unfeigned repentance, will always be quickly heard by God. I thank the Lord, who yesterday at six and a half o’clock in the evening healed my soul from the sin of waywardness and hostility towards the Father Superior for not agreeing to serve the magpie. This is another time when willfulness attacks me in this case. I repented, and the Lord delivered me from sorrow and distress. After the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church. I thank and glorify the Lord, who had mercy on me and delivered me from the snares of the enemy, with which the tempter entangled me: firstly, when reading the Gospel, he placed doubt and fear in my heart, and, secondly, when saying the great dismissal after Matins, the prayer to Christ, the true Light and the small dismissal. The Lord delivered me for my faith, for the prayer of repentance: when I fell to the throne and kissed it and the life-giving Mysteries of Christ hidden in the tabernacle, the Lord freed me from the destructive snares of the enemy, from oppression, shame, fear, confusion, I was renewed by the grace of Christ. Well, the enemy’s networks! How heavy, how fierce, how murderous they are! How cheerful, how cunning, how damned he is! What a catcher! What a scoundrel! What a cunning one! What a fool! For he is completely obsessed with nonsense, with absurdities, and inspires absurdities, and seduces with absurdities! Oh, damn you from me millions and millions of times! Resurrection. How long will I live for a stinking and burdening womb that suppresses the spirit and body? How much time I kill for him with just walks! Because of him, how little I read the words of God, books of spiritual content! How little thought of God! And there is no always sincere thought about the eternity that lies before us, and no sincere desire for it, no whole-hearted preparation for it! There is no constant, ardent love for the Lord God, for the Most Pure Mother of God, for the holy Angels of God, our elder brothers, and for the holy saints of God. For the most part, on the mind and heart are earthly things: earthly sweets, earthly contentment, comfort, earthly rewards, earthly wealth, earthly splendor, earthly luxury, earthly joys, earthly perishable beauty. But what kind of stupid habit keeps me in daily captivity near the womb, which God will soon abolish, like all the waste [1 Cor. 6:13], given to us for this only life? Where is [my] mind? Where is selflessness for the Gospel? Where is the honest, constant struggle with one’s whims? After all, life passes unnoticed and is nearing its end. Where is the desire for imperishable, eternal, incomparable beauty and sweetness? Where is the desire to contemplate the unapproachable, joyful light? Where is the heartfelt desire for eternal truth? Where is the desire to see eternal goodness and wisdom? Where is the desire to see the ever-present Life 53 and giving life to everyone, to every breath below and to all the powers above? Yes, hang the life as it befits in the house of God, which is the living Church of God, the pillar and foundation of the truth [1 Timothy 3:15]. Remember all the promises of God, keep firmly God’s commandments, conquer the lusts of the flesh, fight [old] carnal habits, despise the pleasures of the flesh, to which there are so many lures. Don’t say: eat today or tomorrow and so on for sweets - nothing: the appetite is good, you need to reinforce yourself. It is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them did not benefit [Heb. 13:9]. Remember that the sin of the Sodomites and Gomorrites was especially in the abundance of bread and the abundance of wine! But what is their end [Gen.19:24–25]? And what about the end of the evangelical rich man, who feasted every day with his friends? – In eternal fire, without the slightest joy, he was denied even a drop of water [Luke 16:19–31]. Away from me every breath of Belial, the breath of malice, pride, contempt, envy, stinginess, love of money, hard-heartedness, gluttony, lust, idleness and laziness, cowardice and fear, suspicion, ill will, malice. Oh, damned man I am! There is no truth of God in me, but the lies of the devil and the devil’s swiftness for evil! Just now I went out for a walk in the yard and sinned gravely with anger towards the beggars who had come to me for alms since early morning, especially against the pockmarked old man, who seemed to me wicked, probably because I myself am wicked; I was angry with him for asking early and standing without a hat; I put a hat on him and annoyedly tapped him on the head with his cap, gave him a ten-kopeck piece and turned him rather to leave me - and so I was deprived of peace, freedom, I felt cramped, sad to death, I was embarrassed, disgraced internally, bound in mortal bonds, I was burning in hellish fire. In this state, I repented to the Lord for a long time, asking for mercy and forgiveness for the sake of His name, for the sake of His redemptive suffering and His most pure, all-reconciling Blood, shed for the world and for me - and I received great mercy, forgiveness, peace, space, freedom, boldness, light and life. Glory to the Lord! Not this one, then another, third, etc. sin constantly attacks me, fights, seduces, defiles, immerses, kills: now malice, now fornication, now love of money, now envy, now gluttony, now suspicion, now resistance and disobedience, now waywardness and stubbornness, now laziness and sleep. After three days of strong winds (northwest and westerly) and a constant downpour of rainy gray clouds, buckets of rain, wonderful, clear skies and calm, warm weather finally arrived (yesterday from midday, June 16, Saturday). Thanks be to God! The storm broke many trees in the gardens. Due to negligence about spiritual life and my constant love of voluptuousness, my multi-passionate flesh has grown in front of me into a huge idol and fights and overthrows my spirit constantly. Immediate mortification of the flesh with passions and lusts is required. Time, let us take time to take the true path and grasp the true philosophy: strict abstinence and fasting, long-term prayer, contemplation of God, reading the word of God, which I constantly forget. Sweet foods, sweet drinks, including sweet tea, must be left behind. It’s enough to think: this and that’s nothing, sweet tea is not a sin, it’s not a problem, sweet pies, soft rolls, various jams and pleasant cookies are supposedly nothing, various wines, consumed in moderation, are supposedly nothing; no - great harm from them, all this enslaved my soul to sin, and it became entangled in sin: it does not love God, does not love its neighbor, but loves itself, itself in the flesh, lives completely contrary to the Gospel of Christ. Oh, woe, woe to me! Carnal lusts and passions are scourges for faith and piety: they drive faith, hope and Christian love out of the heart and instill in it unbelief, madness, pride, insolence, blasphemy, hard-heartedness, love of money, carnality, envy; Today I gave communion to a sick shopkeeper, and while reading prayers, the ethereal enemy, knowing my weaknesses, my passions, confused and stung me with lust and thirst for money, instilling in me the thought of the ruble that I would receive! Oh, Christ-selling! Oh, Judas's love of money! Have my wealth been rubbed? Isn’t the Lord my provider, nourisher and all-sufficient good? Should I, a priest, a shepherd of souls, take care of silver coins, food and drink? Should I be so disastrously, so absurdly, wildly, shamefully double in heart when serving the salvation of God’s people, why pervert God’s order and turn everything in life upside down? Let the head be above, that is, the soul and its needs, and the feet below, that is, the body and its needs. I, however, struggled with tempting thoughts and, with God’s help, overcame them. Next Sunday the Gospel about the healing of two demoniacs [Matthew 8:28–34]. Keep in mind our possessed, complete drunkards (in the face of Alexei [the waiter], Nikolai Nazarov, brother of Yakov [Kalanich])... What do you care about us, they say... they asked to join the swine herd... and what swinish morals do drunkards have! How depraved they are! Greedy! Real direction (transitioned into material, utilitarian). What is actually real? – God, His grace, truth, holiness, wisdom, omnipotence, omnipresence, eternity, immutability; the human soul and the fact that it is in the image and likeness of God, that it must live according to the commandments of its Creator, for which it will be worthy of eternal bliss, that it must be holy, as the Lord God is holy; the Christian faith, the Church, are real, and the exploits of the saints for the faith are extremely real - the holy apostles, martyrs, saints, their struggles, fastings, all-night prayers, their virtues of all kinds and serve as a living example to us that our life, on the contrary, is completely unreal, but dreamy, not at all consistent with the Gospel, with real life. If you want to enter into [eternal] life, keep the commandments [Matthew 19:17] (June 19, 1879. Tuesday). It is necessary to give direction to youth that is truly real, real in a Christian way, teaching positive sciences, utilitarian, applicable to life and its needs, we must firmly teach them religion: Thou hast commanded ecu Thy commandments to preserve the green... [Ps.119:4], without which in the heart (certainly in the heart) they will remain without soil all their lives, like the unfortunate socialists of today. We must be the first to consider the Law of God in practice (and not just according to the program), and not the last, and teach religious realities in a living language, with love for young people and for our work, and especially for God, who brought everything into existence: all created beings, that is, brought from non-existence into being, bless the Lord and exalt them to all ages 54. This is the last real goal of any other education. The present age dreams that it is real - no, it is utilitarian, materialistic. Show the extreme unreality of sin, the passions to which we are so susceptible, the unreality, dreaminess, evilness of various tendencies of socialist, materialist, separatist, or renegade, schismatic, heretical, rationalistic, idealistic, mystical. Sy 55 is reality. In worship (science) it is necessary to name the ranks of all the saints who pleased God in different ways, otherwise our students do not know them and these ranks are not in the program. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His salvation on Tuesday 19, and on Wednesday 20, and on Thursday 21 June - on the first occasion, when meeting with fellow countryman Father Platon Fedorovich Ivanov, a Smolensk priest, for whom I felt dislike and hostility because of his unpleasant face (oh, hypocrisy, partiality!): through a fervent prayer of repentance in secret, the Lord saved me from the hatred of my brother Tune, granting me, after cramped conditions, shame and confusion, peace and freedom with a clear face; in the second case, from a hypocritical, voluptuous view of a beautiful maiden - for the sake of secret, sincere repentance, the Lord saved me twice in the morning and in the evening; and in the third case, from the same view of a beautiful, related woman: for the sake of secret repentance, self-condemnation, the Lord saved me, giving me peace, freedom, space, boldness. My greedy and vain life was depicted in a dream this night: I see in our city five-story, magnificent houses and from the very ground I look at them, lying down on the ground and raising my head up, at the same time I am talking with some [negliger] lieutenant, and I myself eat something like shit or dough, although I was full (this is what happened to me yesterday evening: having eaten appetizingly once, I soon sat down at the table another time to eat cold whitefish). Oh, vanity! Ugliness! Oh, greed! I thank the Lord: the severe burning sensation in my back went away as a result of drinking tea with cream and buns with butter and as a result of the release of excrement from my stomach. The hot bath with hot water, which I used yesterday, had an unfavorable effect on me: my stomach tightened and there was a strong burning sensation in the vertebrae, especially in the morning. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to glorify my Most Holy Lady Theotokos yesterday during the All-Night Vigil by reading the canon in Her honor. Through this glorification, I received from Her, O All-Good One, great mercy: previously unwell with a cold burning sensation of the spinal column (back), I became completely healthy after the all-night vigil, and even during it; in the assembly of the pious he spoke with inspiration and was of great benefit to them and to himself; the meal was sweet both by grace and in itself; That night I slept a healthy, sound, calm and serene sleep. Glory to the Lord! Glory to the Most Pure Mother of God! At the beginning of the all-night vigil, I was in severe pain from pain in the lower back and throughout my back, my back was burning. (The east wind is unhealthy for me.) When venerating the images or icons of the Lord, the Mother of God, and the saints, try to ensure that Christ is imagined 56 in you, so that all the virtues of the saints are depicted in you. My children, for whom I am again in the throes of birth, until Christ is portrayed in you! [Gal.4:19]. Learn from Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart [Matthew 11:29]. He humbled Himself, becoming obedient (Jesus Christ to the Heavenly Father) even to the point of death, even death on the cross [Phil.2:8]. Those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. Be holy, for holy am I the Lord your God [Lev.19:2]. Seven and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who, after fervent prayer of repentance, delivered me from the inclinations of an adulterous inner being, which extremely infected me with its deadly, although sweet, poison, depriving me of peace, freedom, and boldness. I am guilty of shaking the hand of a certain girl who received a blessing from me: there is no need to shake anyone’s hand and thereby disparage the Lord’s blessing, for we are teaching God’s blessing, not our own. Use sweet foods and drinks (sweet tea, wine) with extreme caution. Boyle will have a prayer service tomorrow at twelve o'clock. I forgot that a Christian and a Christian woman are children of God, churches of God, animated, beautiful, beautiful, unblemished (soul and body: your bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit living in you, Whom you have from God, and you are not your own [1 Cor. 6:19]), that carnal sensuality is from the devil, that our true, eternal sweetness is God, who created all kinds of sweets and commanded that they be used lawfully, purely, holy, in moderation, for a good purpose, and not according to whim and passion. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during the all-night vigil from sinful death, the burden, despondency and darkness that befell me for the murmur in my soul, impatience, cowardice while driving in the pouring rain out of town to visit a sick person - the Lord gave me tenderness and tears of repentance, which completely calmed me, revived, renewed, and consoled me. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to break the stubbornness and malice of the invisible enemy at Karyakin’s memorial service and to speak the last litany with dismissal without stumbling, sincerely. I thank the Lord, who gave me consolation at home during evening prayer and reading prayers for communion with the canon. I have sinned before my God because I often look at my face to see if it is good, and not at my heart, which is hitherto faulty. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate the early liturgy, although with a difficult struggle, while bound by sin, but also with great deliverance from the Lord through the prayer of faith and repentance at the beginning of the liturgy and at the great entrance, and especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries, which miraculously revived me, killed by my sins. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from enemy attacks during the morning and evening funeral services (for Alexandra Karyakin), during the prayer service with Mr. Boyle. I thank the Lord, who saved me from carnal lusts. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the lusts of the abundantly nourished and fattened flesh and who gave me tenderness during morning prayer and spiritual sweetness with peace and spiritual space. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from fierce lusts and voluptuous dreams that instantly came to my mind and heart; after a difficult struggle and sincere and long repentance, the Lord mercifully delivered me, giving me the dew of the grace of the Holy Spirit and the holiness of the Spirit. I thank the Most Pure Lady Theotokos, who made me worthy, with great tenderness and tears, to celebrate two all-night vigils at Neustroyev and Semyonov in honor and glory of the appearance of Her icon in Tikhvin. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during the cathedral liturgy (for the late Alexander Karyakin, by the way) from the great oppression and sorrow that followed after the unsuccessful dismissal at the litany before the removal of the body. The disembodied villain deceived and confused me with his hellish fear, and I did not finish some words from his fear and through this cowardly timidity combined with the enemy: he entered into me for my cowardice and lack of faith and killed me, killed the life of my heart and tormented me until the transubstantiation of the Holy Gifts, and at that time he came out of me through a sincere prayer of repentance and through the prayer of the Lady. Then, and especially after receiving the Holy Mysteries, I felt very good: I was revived after the death of sin. After the prayer behind the pulpit, I was again in cramped conditions and sorrow, frightened by the enemy while reading it and missing a few words at the end for fear of the enemy; but while consuming the Holy Gifts, the enemy again abandoned me by the grace of the atoning Blood of the Master; At the funeral service, the enemy embarrassed me through one proud person, who, perhaps, only seemed proud to me (Zakharova), and I barely overcame the hostility in my heart and, at the same time, confusion, but I overcame the grace of Christ and remained intact 57. During the litya, the enemy embarrassed me over money, but clearly unjustly, for the money was given to the poor, and excess labor money should be given to the poor, for if we receive nothing from God, we should give it too. At the great entrance, out of fear of enemy, the dreamy one did not pronounce the heir and heiress. In the program of worship, place a paragraph on the constant striving for holiness of the members of the Church of Christ: hallowed be Thy name [Matthew 6:9]... Be holy, for holy am I the Lord your God [Lev.19:2]... Holy Father!.. Sanctify them by Thy truth... [John 17:11,17] - that serving God mainly consists of serving before Him with reverence and reverence. righteousness all the days of life... following the example of the Holy One who called you, and be holy in all your actions [1 Peter 1:15]. The Church is the bearer of the spirit of Christ, the spirit of His love, salvation, holiness, truth, wisdom, meekness, gentleness, patience and long-suffering, His wisdom, His life... Eternal life. The importance of the Church for a Christian is infinitely important: it guides and saves him in everything from birth to the grave and beyond the grave. One sinful stream flows in all of us, the sons and daughters of the fallen Adam and Eve, therefore we must all deeply humble ourselves and live in constant repentance, sympathize with each other, pity each other, help each other in the important matter of salvation, and sincerely pray for each other. I thank the Lord, who delivered me many times yesterday for my repentance from fire, oppression and sorrow, inseparable from my sins (anger towards the poor and my wife) and for the gift of peace and freedom. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me (six o’clock in the morning) from the temptation of anger and hostility towards sexton Zrelov (for his refusal of the cross for a good reason) for putting aside anger and malice according to reasonable reasoning (all this from the Lord) and for my repentance. The fire of hell was already beginning to engulf my insides. My dreams are not good: they characterize me, my life: I saw the worldly life of worldly people: dacha bliss, drunkenness, eating, idleness, laziness, chatter, amusements, from which, O God, deliver me! Gluttony and drunkenness are in themselves a sinful dream, and lead to sinful daydreaming both in reality and in a dream, and from the truth, they remove a person devoted to them from God, and plunge him into heartfelt powerlessness. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the bitter consequences of anger and irritation with the watchman Procopius because he locked the southern door in the altar and I had to knock at the entrance; my soul was indignant, overwhelmed by oppression. I repented for a long time, and the Lord gave me peace. I thank the Lord for renewal through the communion of the Holy Mysteries and for many deliverances from troubles and sin. Evening. I thank and extol the Lord for delivering me from the influx of great evil into my heart during the prayer service and after it, from hostility towards the abbot (I sinned, damned me) for his alienation from us and pride (real or imaginary) and for neglecting the customs of love and brotherly communication (for greatness on great holidays he himself does not want to serve candles to the brethren and kiss each other’s hands), to himself never invites you home and generally keeps himself far away. The evil was involuntary, forced. I repented for a long time, strongly, I sincerely condemned myself for allowing it to reach my heart, and only through faith and repentance did the Lord deliver me from evil for the sake of His holy name: if not for the Lord, then at least perish from the wiles of Satan. His pressure is so strong! Oh, beware of even the shadow of malice! May I hold on to love with all my might! All pretexts for evil are the enemy’s dream, to hell with them! Tune (Church Glav.) – meaning in vain, without reason. Wordless (church glory) – crazy, senseless, unspiritual; unreasonable Irmos of the 6th song of the Sunday canon at Matins, tone 8. Exclamation at the liturgy before the singing of the Creed. I'm prying out (church glory) - I'm pulling out nails. From the follow-up to the Great Blessing of Water. Ever-existing (church-glorified) – always existing. Irmos of the 8th song of the Christmas canon. Sy (Church Glav.) - the same as Jehovah - one of the names of God, truly (really) existing, abiding, eternal. Imagine (Church Glav.) – take on an image. Whole, whole (church-glorified) - meaning simple, pure, unbroken, immaculate.