Июль 1879 г.

I thank the Lord, who continually renews His salvation in me, for even now, at seven o’clock in the morning, He saved me from the sorrow and distress that righteously befell me for my hostility and hard-heartedness towards a poor girl who often begs for alms. There is no need to eat at night, especially meat, and there is no need to eat anything at all: at night and early in the morning, the tightness in the sides and in the belly is extremely aggravating and prevents sleep. Getting up early, I walked in the park for a long, long time, then, when I arrived, I lay down, fell asleep sweetly and slept until nine o’clock in the morning (I went to bed at six and a half). After mass. I thank the Lord for His indescribable mercies towards me during the late Sunday liturgy, revealed in delivering me by His grace from worldly addictions that kill the soul, especially during mass, when I should be entirely in heaven in mind and heart. At the great entrance, I pronounced the names of all the royal persons, despite the efforts of the devil to confuse and confuse me, read the entire prayer behind the pulpit, and said the sermon well. Received life-giving communion. Glory to the long-suffering and abundantly merciful Lord! Before dinner, the adversary tormented me for a long time with cramped conditions and fire due to my addiction to visible goods, namely this: God gave a child to one parishioner’s wife, I had named all his children before, and now I was called to give a prayer to the mother and name the name of the baby, my comrade, Father Alexander; I regretted that it was not me who was invited and that I was deprived of my income; Maybe they’ll call him to baptize too, I thought, again it’s a pity that it’s not me: I’m losing a good scarf, but meanwhile I have plenty of scarves. It was because of these trifles, because of this decay, that the enemy tormented me, a stupid, senseless, passionate, earthly, vain person, and for a long time I struggled, and hesitated, and repented to God, admitting that all this was vanity, a dream, stupidity - finally the Lord had mercy. During mass, the evil one also embarrassed and oppressed me at the most important time with the pity of the golden cross, that it was rubbing against the bronze (for the war) cross and that, perhaps, it would be erased - oh, nonsense! But the Lord sent me His light and understanding that even gold is dust, that it does not revive the heart, does not benefit in sorrow, misfortune, illness, does not deliver from death, that we must leave it to others, that it turns into ash with fire, that it deprives a partial person of the grace of God, peace and freedom, that it can be the cause of a thousand evils, because of it there are murders, betrayals, envy, insults, hard-heartedness towards the poor, stinginess, various untruths - and after these reflections the Lord had mercy on me, I calmed down and performed the liturgy well. Regarding the conversation about the beauty and greatness of the newly built Vladimir Church, yesterday I started talking about the small capacity of the naval church, built for the glory of the Epiphany of the Lord, and about the negligence of the navy people towards their church, especially the high-ranking ones. Perhaps I spoke rather harshly, although fairly. So what? At night I saw the chief commander of the Grand Duke Constantine very angry with me, although I had never seen him in a dream before, much less angry with me. If I told a lie, then I won’t in the future, because I can be wrong, and it’s not my business to meddle in my own affairs. May the Lord instruct those who should build a sea church in the city, more extensive and durable, made of stone, not wood. My reproductive organ worries me extremely because of my voluptuousness: I must avoid sweet drinks: tea, milk, strong drinks, wine and beer, and meats, and generally love abstinence and fasting. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from the grave slander and temptations of the enemy before and during the celebration of the Liturgy, which befell me because of my addiction to earthly things. I repented, recognized my folly in this, and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace. And how good it is to be with the Lord and to cleave to Him alone, the Creator of every creature, who can please every person in everything, for He is the fullness of all good things! But how bitter it is to leave the Lord because of the frivolity and addiction of our souls and to cleave to creatures! The soul is overcome by coldness, darkness, sorrow, cramped conditions, shame, powerlessness, and embarrassment. During the prayer service for the Blessing of the Water in the middle of the church, during the censing, I felt sorry for the kamilavka because it would become sooty from the smoke, and through this stupid, senseless addiction to a perishable thing, I suddenly lost the grace of peace, justification, boldness, strength, light, space of the heart, which I had previously received in the communion of the Divine Mysteries. Oh, how hard it was for me to fight addiction! Already at the end of the prayer service, when I entered the altar and privately repented of my madness, the Lord had mercy on me and again gave me peace, especially in the use of the Holy Gifts. The Lord has given me His full possession in His most pure Mysteries - what else do I desire, what do I regret? Are things perishable? But they are unworthy of my incorruptible soul, which is the incorruptible image of the incorruptible God! But the incorruptible Lord can infinitely replace all perishable blessings with Himself, and with Him everything will be added to me, if I am faithful to Him, I will always hold on to Him with all my heart, according to the Scripture: Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these (earthly blessings) will be added to you [Matthew 6:33]. Moreover, addiction to perishable goods is always the cause of the depreciation of incorruptible, essential goods, negligence about them, the cause of spiritual death, sorrow, crampedness, darkness. We, the priests, have been entrusted with the structure of the salvation of human souls, created in the image of God and redeemed by His priceless, honest Blood, and we must care and think about this day and night, leaving behind any attachment to temporary goods. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to serve all services with boldness. Before waking up, I saw in a dream that I was asked in an exam (as if I were still a student at a seminary or Academy) about mathematics, of which I don’t understand anything; So I’m walking with solid steps towards the fateful table at which the examiners are sitting, and I get several numbers stuck together, I take and tear one ticket from the other and put it on the table; the remaining ticket was 81, but another 82 or 84 stuck to it; I chose the smaller one, 81, and I turn to Varaksin with a request to help me out of trouble, but I myself tremble that I will not have time to understand and tell anything. This means that I am not ready to answer at the Last Judgment of Christ and I need to prepare firmly and constantly. What does number 81 mean? The Lord knows. Look at the face of the Mother of God as on the face of Christ, for Christ God reflected in His Most Pure Mother all His Divine perfections. Be perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect [Matthew 5:48]; this is Divine perfection in the Mother of God, to a lesser extent in the holy apostles, prophets, martyrs, hierarchs, and saints. Evening. The ethereal villain, the all-evil one, fiercely wounded me during the liturgy over trifles by the fact that Father Deacon Arseny held out the word Wisdom at the end of the short litanies before the Cherubic Song, this made me angry with him. And I could not get rid of the feeling of hostility, crampedness and embarrassment, and at the great entrance I became confused and could not pronounce the names of the royal family. After Matins. Today the enemy caught me at the very end of Matins, which he performed with fervor and great triumph of spirit, and stung me at the final dismissal in the first hour with doubts, fears and anxiety at the thought of the merchant Alexander Murashov and Father Peter Klepachevsky standing in the church. For a long time I languished, prayed, repented, walking along Catherine Boulevard, finally entered the church, fell to the holy throne and was healed from a fierce demonic ulcer. I thanked the Lord for His great mercy. The enemy stunned the house with greed and stinginess, wounded, killed the soul, depriving it of peace, joy, space and bringing sorrow, crampedness, darkness; I felt sorry for the Chukhon butter for the workers who spread the bread a lot. I repented of my madness - and was pardoned. I thank the Lord, who delivered me before mass and during mass from my sinful bonds and [granted] to perform without stumbling all of God’s services and to partake of the most pure Mysteries without condemnation, life-giving. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the fierce temptation that happened during Little Vespers: I looked at those who had gathered in church and saw: my women preachers were not there. I imagined that they were feasting at the birthday girl Martha’s, and I condemned them in my soul, forgetting that they are always self-controlled and strict with themselves and that I myself am intemperate and a delicacy. Out of my greed, I envied them and thought: I will not allow them to the Holy Mysteries. But they did not come because they probably did not know the time of Vespers: it began not at five o’clock, but at four on the occasion of the all-night vigil. How long, accursed one, will I become numb in voluptuousness and incite fornication, inflaming my flesh with voluptuousness? I can’t bear to endure her inflamation at night, her great inclination towards fornication. Yesterday I ate a very sweet and contented meal at the innkeeper Fyodor Vasiliev's (hot pie with fish and pepper, oranges, wine, sweet tea), and when I came home and saw the blueberry pie, I ate a piece again - oh, greed! Oh, lovely! I bitterly accuse myself of free madness and self-delusion, of negligence, laziness, and effeminacy! Have you received the Holy Spirit when you believed? They said to him: we have not even heard whether there is a Holy Spirit [Acts 19:2]. This is how many Christians would answer today if you asked them whether they had received the Holy Spirit? So the majority of Christians have little life in the Spirit, so little religious knowledge! Do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit living in you? [ 1 Corinthians 6:19 ]. And to this question of the Apostle we will again have to answer about today’s Christians, that they do not know at all that their bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, and therefore they make them ordinary instruments of all unrighteousness. During the Liturgy today, I felt extremely weak in spirit, although I was very healthy in body: sinful inclinations overcame me, but I did not despair and prayed in repentance and self-condemnation, and the Lord, seeing my sincere repentance, my free torment of myself with sighs and tears, condescended to my weakness and gave a helping hand. Oh, my poverty, oh, my damnation, oh nakedness, oh blindness, oh sinful charm! After deep tenderness and tears, I strengthened in spirit and after the funeral litany, I served the entire mass with fervor, with tenderness; at the great entrance he pronounced all the names of the royal family; In the first place, remember... I said everything in full, the pulpit too, and let go in full; The prayer service was served well, the Gospel reading was touching, the requiem service was unfailing. Glory to God, our helper! After Vespers there were christenings. I did it in a solemn spirit, but at the very end, looking slyly and insincerely at my godfather, I felt an unclean movement in my heart and flesh, and the enemy entered my heart and began to strongly oppress and oppress me (that is, sin), until I repented and received complete forgiveness from God. For a long time I languished and repented, prayed - only in His name was I saved from the charm of embarrassment, cramped conditions, the fire of hell and received silence and peace. Thou art the sacrifice for all, Lamb of God, the living and the dead, and by Thy sacrifice hitherto worked wonders for our salvation, taking us away from corrupting and all-evil passions and from their torment and giving us Thy shrine and Thy truth and Thy sweet peace; especially during the liturgy, You work miracles for our salvation. Oh, wonderful, life-giving Divine Liturgy! Last night I ate meat with soup and again greatly revived my multi-passionate flesh, which did not give me peace at night. Again I changed my promise. Oh, frivolity! Oh, greed! God! Have mercy on me and grant me the firm intention not to eat meat and the fulfillment of my intention. Meat makes the heart extremely coarse and the flesh gravitates toward the earth. Holy saints of God! Help me! Now the Lord has granted me the greatest salvation from the fire of hell that burned me, from the sorrow and distress that befell me for anger and bitterness towards my wife, who grumbled at me and scolded me and my pious spiritual children, sincerely devoted to God and me for my pious communication with them. I was very painful and regrettable from her curses and reproaches, and I answered her with anger and bitterness that they were better than her, more honest than her, for they were always in church, always with God. Unable to tolerate her enthusiasm, I left the table. It was an hour and a half. For my sincere and wise repentance, the Lord forgave my sins and gave me peace, space, and freedom. I thank the Lord, who consoled me with the unfailing service of the liturgy and the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries; The Holy Mysteries miraculously revived me with the life-giving fire of the Holy Spirit. I thank the Lord for the goodness of Vespers, perfected by His grace. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from sorrow and oppression, despondency, with which the bodiless enemy overwhelmed me regarding the rector’s observation of the penitents after Vespers, whom I confessed at the wrong time. The Lord justified me, driving away the demons of despondency and slander. Saint Stephen the First Martyr saw the heavens open and Jesus standing at the right hand of God, in order to see both him and all subsequent martyrs and ascetics for Christ, for Whom, for Whom and for what bliss they struggle, for what fatherland, for what life - and to be firm, cheerful and joyful in all suffering for Christ and for the true faith. So Saul also received a voice from Christ the Savior from heaven, and subsequently he himself was caught up to the third heaven in order to firmly know and remember that he would not struggle in vain, like all subsequent Christian martyrs and all true followers of Christ, but for endless bliss in heaven. And indeed, all the true followers of Christ joyfully went to terrible torment and death, firmly believing that through suffering and death they would buy eternal bliss, eternal peace. So we must laboriously and joyfully, with great zeal, strive against sin in all its forms, knowing that we will receive eternal life for our deeds. And how much and what kind of help the Lord always gives to those who strive for Him in temporary life! How many consolations! How much inner joy and bliss! He who has tasted this bliss will not exchange suffering for Christ for all worldly pleasures! Glory to the Lord, who thus arranges our salvation! Through much tribulation we must enter the Kingdom of God [Acts 14:22]. I rejoice in my sufferings for you [ Col. 1:24 ]. This present temporary suffering is worth nothing in comparison with the glory that will be revealed in us [Rom. 8:18], for our momentary light suffering produces eternal glory in an immeasurable abundance, when we look not at what is seen, but at what is unseen [2 Cor. 4:17-18]. Morning. Why did I have dinner yesterday, eating fish with black bread at night and drinking two glasses of sweet tea? At night I again had no peace from the flesh. Why did you eat raspberry jam at Estafieva’s house and drink wine? Why did you feast on the second floor in the Duma? O sensualist! I urgently need to mortify the flesh with passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. Otherwise she mortifies my poor soul with her lusts and passions, plunges me into uncleanness and separates me from God, my life, my shrine, and this is terrible. One of the great temptations to which the evil one exposes us is despondency, self-denial and self-contempt (due to certain carnal functions of nature and the sins of youth) and loss of spirit, the shame of human gaze during worship. Against this temptation we must have self-respect and trust in God’s mercy, which cleanses our sins; We must remember that we are all in the image of God and God dwells in us as in His churches: don’t you know that you are the church of God, and the Spirit of God lives in you [1 Cor. 3:16], that we are members of Christ [1 Cor. 6:15]? And He is our Head [Eph.4:15]: He is the Vine, we are His branches [John 15:5], we are of His flesh and of His bones [Eph.5:30]. We must drive away the dream of despondency that weakens our soul - it is a great sin. With such a Savior, is there anything to despair about? For our Savior is the God-man Himself, who took all our sins upon Himself, and is able to cleanse all our sins, and not only to cleanse us, but also to sanctify and deify us, having power and strength, as He actually fulfills us with His Divinity in the communion of the Holy Mysteries. We must always triumph in spirit, having such a Savior. All the works of the Lord are wise, pure, holy, unblemished, beautiful and demonstrate His omnipotence, goodness, holiness, truth, indescribable beauty. Such is the matter of procreation through the interaction and mutual love of both sexes, male and female; One must look with reverence at a woman, as well as a man, who have received from God the greatest gift of procreation and reproduction of the human race, individuals in the image of God, children of God by grace through baptism, heirs of the future Kingdom, citizens of heaven, fellow citizens of the Angels. Hence, marriage must be looked at as God’s greatest gift to people, as God’s greatest and holiest institution. This is what the prayers read during the betrothal and wedding of the bride and groom inspire us with. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help in serving the liturgy and gave me life in the communion of His Holy Mysteries. He also spoke his teaching through the grace of God. I sinned before the Lord and before the abbot, not willingly, but with zeal, without love and respect for my boss [by agreeing to fulfill] his request (in absentia) to go out of town to [...] a cemetery for a prayer service. “Let him go on his own,” I told the watchman, who conveyed the abbot’s order to me. I soon repented, and the Lord took away the tightness from me, giving me space and peace. I thank the Lord, who cleansed me from the prodigal, heavy, poisonous inclinations. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His greatest mercy, inexpressible in delivering me from the devil’s anger in one house (Sand Street) against one modest woman because she did not kiss her hand upon receiving the blessing (oh, absurd malice!), while others did. I sincerely condemned myself for combining with the enemy, with his malice, excusing the woman that it was not out of pride, but out of simplicity and unfamiliarity and ignorance, that she did not kiss her hand. What an insolent enemy! When he was already defeated and driven away by my wisdom and repentance and forgiveness from God, he attacked me again through crafty wisdom when I was traveling with the cross, but again he was defeated by deep, sincere repentance. Then he attacked me in the apartment of Maria Ermolaevna Estafieva, where there was a beautiful maiden, her granddaughter (through my voluptuousness) and seduced me with carnal beauty, arousing voluptuous movements in my heart, but by repentance and self-condemnation I again defeated him with the grace of God and tasted the peace of God. In the Engineering Garden, I again fell into anger over the conversation with Grigory Al. Machigin about the unscrupulous act towards him by the master Aristarkh Stepanovich Kozlovsky, and in a fit of anger and frustration I called him a brute, after which my conscience began to confuse and torment my heart, and for quite a long time I was in great confusion, sorrow and cramped conditions, but again the Lord accepted my whole-hearted repentance and granted me the salvation of my existence 58 and peace of mind. Glory to His mercy, long-suffering, good-will, kindness and goodness! Seducing us with the beauty of a woman’s face or another, the evil adversary, firstly, curses the wisdom, greatness, goodness, holiness and beauty of God, expressed primarily in verbal 59 earthly creatures, gifted with a beautiful, purposeful, pure body as a church of the immortal, rational spirit and as a church of the Divine, which should be the glory of God; secondly, it abuses both sexes, man and woman, inciting them to vain pleasure, apart from the high and holy goal, and timeless, aimless, unauthorized corruption, destroying Christian, pure love and turning it into bestial lust and introducing perversion into the soul and body. Oh, how high and holy is the purpose of man and woman, or husband and wife! They must serve the all-good, all-holy and all-wise intention of God to multiply the human race, children of God by grace, heirs of the Kingdom of God! But what are many men and women doing these days? It’s shameful to even talk about it [Eph.5:12]. Yesterday evening I met the merchant Grigory Al in the Engineering Garden. Machigin and talked to him. He spoke for certain in confidence that both the police chief and the governor and his assistant take huge bribes; [Zonn], a Jewish merchant, admitted that one staircase (the governor's) costs him five thousand a year, another (Romanov's) costs three thousand, and a third (the ruler's chancellery) costs him two thousand. The police chief shares it with the governor, and the latter, lying on his side, grows rich beyond measure. And how many lies all these gentlemen do to oppress poor traders - and it is impossible to reprimand, so many, and how much they do to the loss of the treasury - they and the contractors to the treasury know this. From the hundred hail of hail, profit and flattery will not be lacking... Day and night, iniquity and labor 60... and unrighteousness will pass through its walls [Ps. 55:12,11]. Eleven and a half o'clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who in His great compassion heard my humble prayer from a contrite, repentant heart and had mercy on me with His sweet mercy, great mercy, for I was delivered from great sorrow and oppression and received peace, space and boldness of heart from the life-giving hand. The sin for which I was righteously punished by the Lord, who tests hearts and bellies, was hard-heartedness towards the poor, harsh (in words) treatment of them. I also repent to the Lord and pray to grant me simplicity, humility, kindness, complete trust in the all-good Providence of God. Give splendor, power and glory to the words of God and to church prayer. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from despondency, grief and sadness regarding the decree from the consistory reprimanding the clergy for imprudently maintaining metric books (the son of officer Telegin is listed as born in September, although he was born in August). This is my sexton's mistake. Six hours later, at ten o'clock in the evening, the enemy again renewed this despondency, and again the Lord delivered me after an hour of torment. Having such a God, such a Savior, whom will I fear, why should I be depressed, why should I be afraid? He Himself is my Savior, my Protector, my Patron, my Savior. Glory to Thee, Lord Jesus Christ, the Only Begotten Son of God! Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord, who showed me His greatest help during the wedding of officer Ivan Burghardt and Antonina Nabatova: he married with peace, boldness, with feeling, sense, arrangement, without stumbling (the whole wedding) the whole marriage, all the prayers. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from great sorrow and cramped conditions when I was going to the ship “Nadezhda”, and even on the ship; The Lord delivered me through the prayer of repentance from the tide of devilish charm and abomination. I sinned before the Lord by taking excessive advantage of Konstantin Ivanovich Margasov’s treat. I drank a lot of all kinds of wine. At home I felt sick and vomited. Prayer for the drunken, violent, insolent Nicephorus. Save him, Lord, have mercy on him, Lord, soften him, convert him, just as you save me, a sinner, every day, have mercy, soften him, convert him, appropriate grace to yourself. Long-suffering Lord, do not put him to death as an unrepentant sinner. Grant him heartfelt, tearful repentance, grant him the knowledge of all his sins and soften his heart like soft wax. May there be glory to You, Lord, in him and through him, for if you save the righteous, there is nothing great in that, and if you have mercy on the pure, there is nothing surprising in this, but surprise Your great mercy on him, the great sinner, on my son Nicephorus, so that we may glorify all Your love for mankind, Your long-suffering and Your invincible mercy. Wake up! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the consequences of anger and rage against the altar watchman Procopius for letting a child into the church, and from the sting of prodigalism that pierced my many-passionate heart. To love God with all your heart means not to give any place in your heart to sin and to exclusively love one virtue, hating with all your heart every sin, but not the sinner. Everything is to the spirit and nothing to the flesh, in the sense of the old man, or sin. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the most merciful Lord for delivering me from anger, sorrow, oppression and inner flame, when the hired sexton Nikitin irritated me (although I should not be irritated) with his carelessness and extreme haste during the celebration of the all-night vigil in honor of the holy martyr Paraskeva. For half an hour or more I was in confinement and repentance until the end and at the end of the service. He repented of his irritability, anger, bitterness, and lack of Christian love, which is not irritated, does not think evil, covers everything, endures everything and never falls away [1 Cor. 13:4-7]. The Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace when I was walking from the funeral service for Elisaveta Petrovna Kalmykova. I praise the Lord, gracious, gracious and beneficial. I thank the Lord, who raised me from the depths of sin and gave me salvation again. I will always try to pronounce the funeral exclamation for You ecu resurrection with joy, with triumph. These are great, dear, priceless, comforting words! They are our hope, our joy, our joy. And I often hid them out of demonic fear. Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who twice delivered me from the grave sorrows and distress that befell me for my anger towards my brother, the reader Adrian, for his mockery (in absentia) of me on the church porch in the hearing of the people. I sincerely repented, sincerely condemned myself for my malice, for my pride and ambition, praying to the Lord to plant in me a love that is not irritated and does not fall away, and the Lord gave me peace. I fell to the throne with faith in Him who sat on it. Alas for me! I have not yet learned the Christian alphabet: I did not endure a small unjust mockery of me from a priest and a reader, I did not endure a small insult, but I reprimanded with annoyance those who inflicted an insult in absentia on me, unworthy. Alas for me, impatient, angry, proud! When I laugh at others in absentia, even at elders, it’s nothing, but when they laugh at me, make fun of me, it’s a disaster, for this I reprimand, I pout, I take revenge! Oh, paganism! Alas for me! I am a carnal man, unkind, self-loving, lazy, stingy, selfish, greedy, unkind, voluptuous, prodigal, angry, suspicious, vengeful, suspicious, vindictive, gluttonous, vain, sad, timid, partial, hypocritical, man-pleasing, unrighteous, impatient! Oh, how many vices, passions, and shortcomings I have! Alas for me, an uncorrected sinner! At funeral services performed in a cathedral, headed by the archpriest, I do not like him and almost despise him (damned!) for his lies and indifference to his large flock, for his complete carelessness about their salvation, for his indifference to the performance of worship, which is carried out by the priest (Klepachevsky) and the sextons in the most negligent manner. For Judas’s immeasurable love of money, for his undisguised envy at his wealth, although I have the same in me. But, Lord, who searches hearts and wombs! You alone weigh the hearts, You grant me the grace to cover with love the shortcomings and sins of my neighbors, just as You constantly forgive and cover with Your immeasurable love for us my shortcomings and sins, voluntary and involuntary. Here is another sin of mine: I am not sincere when praying for the dead in church and in homes during lithiums and at memorial services for the dead. Have mercy on me, Lord, and grant me sincerity, fervor of heart when praying for the departed; as for yourself, as for living members, teach me to pray for them. And here, due to the negligence of the rector and his habit of rushing, a lot of disorder was introduced by the sextons and singers: they do not sing touching troparions at the funeral services (only the first and the last two) and this extremely disgraces the funeral service; all requiem services and funeral services come down to only one monotony: Lord, have mercy... Grant, Lord... Rest with the saints. Fathers Paul and Peter allow their flock to melt away from spiritual hunger, and are even ready to persecute those who often resort to God, or their brothers who try to feed the faithful with words of piety. That's true. The view of the priesthood is frivolous. Only as a means to profit, to enrichment, without awareness of his duties and responsibilities. Last night I again fell into double intemperance: I ate a hearty meal at night and ate a small meal on a fast day (Friday), which is why sweets are at war in me extremely and force me to passions: impurity, malice, envy, anger and others. Zealous for order in worship, I do not have the only thing I need - love, and without it, it means I have nothing, no virtue. And my zeal for God’s service is not pleasing to God, like scratching the tongue and like ringing brass. May I acquire love that never falls away, and then my zeal for order in worship will be pleasing to God. The Lord poured out rivers of living waters of grace [John 7:38] in His Church: everyone who thirsts for his own salvation, come and drink. Only the clergy and clergy of the Church often hold back this source of living water, carelessly and fitfully performing the Divine service, and deprive the laity of living water. This is a grave sin. God! Reconcile me with the reader Adrian, although daring, and him with me. I want it with all my heart, Lord! But instruct and instruct me to serve Your service kindly, decorously, with fear, completely. Having become accustomed to seeing great respect for myself from very many, I have become ambitious and do not tolerate dishonor, even small ones; when the cathedral brethren laughed at me in absentia, I was very offended by this and had anger and annoyance at them: I gave a bilious reprimand to the junior priest and sexton Adrian. This is not good. God! I still don’t know the alphabet of Your law, but I myself teach others. Grant me to completely fulfill Your law - the law of love, love even towards enemies. Five and three quarters o'clock in the evening. I saw, I saw, Lord, Your greatest mercy on me this day during the cathedral liturgy in the Assumption Church (according to Elisaveta Petrovna Kalmykova), when You mercifully and sovereignly delivered me from the possession of an alien spirit, which tripped me with an evil thought while reading the Gospel and greatly wounded me and tormented me with fire and cramped conditions; Only when the words were uttered: The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ and the grief we have in our hearts, when the Lord gave me tears of tenderness, I felt the reflection of the enemy from my soul and relief and peace of mind. He received life-giving communion and was miraculously renewed. Glory to the immortal Mysteries! When I eat and drink a lot and enjoy it, especially when I break my fast, then I become more irritable and angrier and more lustful. These are the harmful consequences of intemperance and gluttony! On the contrary, I am never so meek and humble as when I am abstinent! This is how necessary abstinence is! Today during mass I was subject to a great, grave temptation of evil and irritability because yesterday, on Friday evening, I ate quick soup and scrambled eggs at night, and even yesterday evening I felt burdened and walked a lot so that everything in my stomach would settle down. This evening I felt particularly irritated and pulled out a beggar’s hair for begging frequently (he is a young man of about twenty-five); this is because I was fed up at the wake. Either by taking care of the kamilavka (that means, by being addicted to it), or by the purses in my pockets with money, the evil one tempted and confused me during the prayer service to the holy Equal-to-the-Apostles Prince Vladimir (the birthday elder was also standing), and I got confused while reading the Gospel, not finishing some words (...they are not of this court, and you should be brought to Me [John 10:16]). I was killed in my heart and for a long time afterwards I repented and asked for mercy from the Lord. The Lord gave peace. To despise money and everything colorful and beautifully corruptible in this world, to seek the one Lord, the inexhaustible, incorruptible, eternal treasure. For the Mighty One has done me greatness [Luke 1:49]: through Thee, O Lady, the Lord has magnified us too. Every day and almost incessantly, unless I pray fervently, the devil makes fierce, cunning, subtle, powerful underminings of evil and vile passions under my heart, confuses it, wrestles, butts, scorches, pinches, rapes, intimidates. Every day there is war. What to say about other people? And they experience the same. We must feel sorry for sinners and pray for them earnestly, because everyone has a common nature. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy and to partake of the life-giving, longed for most pure and life-giving Mysteries. At the beginning of the liturgy, the old man was painfully irritated because the prosphyra were small, but by the grace of God I overcame this circumstance, overcoming the old man and his insane greed; I say to him: The Lord is my true bread, He is the all-sufficient good, the all-satisfying one, and not bread; you are fed up, I say, you suffer from satiety, you are crazy, but everything is not enough for you. Having thus despised the old man, or the demon nesting in him, I calmed down and served the liturgy well; At the great entrance he behaved calmly, he said everything. But after transubstantiation, during the censing, he was upset that there was a lot of incense, that the smoke would smoke the new kamilavka - oh, the new madness of the old man! Yes, we must despise everything - the quantity and quality of food, and beautiful clothes, and consider it great, for all of us, the one Lord, the one infinite good - only then will I be calm. I will send a famine upon the earth—not a famine of bread, nor a thirst for water, but a thirst for hearing the words of the Lord [Am.8:11]. This terrible famine has now arrived: no one reads the words of God, everyone reads only worldly things, does worldly things, thinks about worldly things, even - alas! priests and alas! Alas! and I am among them (albeit partly), for I too am a worldly man! Even during the liturgy I am confused by worldly passions! Yesterday evening, when I was walking from vespers, the accursed one scolded the beggar who asked me for alms (and he squandered the money given for the caftan once or twice), called him a scoundrel in my anger and other names. For this, sorrow and distress befell me, and I turned to repentance. Glory to the compassionate Physician of my soul: He accepted my repentance, healed my soul and gave it peace. Then at home I got angry with my wife: it hurt me, I repented and was healed. Glory to Thy truth and mercy, O Lord! It is more convenient for the sun not to shine than for the Mother of God, the Brightest of the sun, not to shed the rays of Her mercy on sinners who repent, and especially on those who walk the path of Christ’s commandments. And She always poured out mercy on Christians. Just let us live like Christians, and we will not be deprived of Her mercies, just let us ask earnestly. In honor and glory of the Lady. When I was seriously ill, I once placed a small icon of the Lady on my severely aching head, and soon my head and my whole body felt better. Yes. Amen. And he also laid a holy icon of the great martyr healer Panteleimon. Glory to the grace of God, which works most abundantly in the saints. Yesterday, my Lord, the Sweetest Jesus Christ, saved me many times for my repentance from the anguish of my soul, for the sins that befell me, for hardness of heart, love of money, and stinginess. But I’m still itching, I’m still not getting better, I’m a damned, inveterate sinner. I thank my Lord and Savior, who mercifully heard my prayer of repentance and had mercy on me, rude and hard-hearted, for the Lord revived me, killed by sin, and - oh, how sweet was life from the dead, peace after mental turmoil, space after crampedness! (This was during Matins.) Evening. Ten o'clock. I thank the most merciful Lord, who delivered me from the great misfortune that happened to me this evening during my walk outside the city, when I wanted to go to the cemetery to serve a memorial service at the graves of my mother and father-in-law; after I walked quite far from Gvozdeva’s house, blood rushed strongly to my left side and began to flow to my heart; it hurt, it hurt. Meanwhile, a poor widow came up to me, asking me for alms, there was no small money, I returned back with the intention of exchanging a ruble, but, thinking about her poverty, I gave her a ruble, given to me today by the wife of a sailor on indefinite leave, Alexandra Ivanovna; my pain under my chest intensified, and I quickly went home; surges of severe pain frightened me as soon as I reached home by roundabout routes, wandering through the grass; The perspiration was intense - my shirt was soaked, even if I squeezed water into the bowl. Having arrived home, I immediately changed my underwear, then changed my shirt; the pain would stop and then return; I drank a glass of water, then milk, then meat broth. The pain began to subside; then I smoked a cigar beyond my custom, the smoke seemed to break up the blood: it drained away, and I felt free. Earlier, I took a sip of wooden oil from a bottle. Why did this happen? I think, firstly, because after the bath I braided my hair for the first time at night, secondly, because I was in a cramped room for half an hour, in which there was a lot of skin, thirdly, from drinking coffee: it is harmful for me, especially after the bath, fourthly, because of the extremely damp weather and strong [sweating] on the country road, which had an extremely bad effect on my lungs, fifthly, because I was not warm moderately dressed in the hot season and extremely damp. I thank the Lord, who saved me from trouble, and perhaps from death. If I had gone further out of town, I would have felt sick on the road. Didn't the Lord send a poor woman to save me? And thus the word of God was justified: alms delivers from death and can cleanse all sin [Tov.12:9]. In the light of the sun, we see clearly all objects, especially those close to us, large and small, and through a magnifying glass or a lens that zooms in on objects, we also see distant objects clearly. So the holy saints of God and all the holy Angels of God, being always in God, the eternal light, in the simplest being, and united with Him in the closest way, see all our needs, all our thoughts, desires, feelings, intentions, deeds, hear all our words - therefore, calling on the Lord above all, let us with undoubted faith and zeal, in repentance, call on the Mother of God, the saints Angels and holy saints of God to our aid in the hope of soon being heard and we will live holy, as the Lord God is holy, as holy they are. Know yourself, and enough is enough for you. (Words by the late Golubinsky.) Yesterday I acted extremely carelessly and recklessly, impudently, by eating twice in the evening at six and a half o’clock and at ten, as a result of which I experienced severe itching at night (I ate a lot of fish soup - don’t do that, from black bread and butter); I couldn’t sleep, I was itching almost constantly, and besides, lustful thoughts were more powerful than ever. O me, damned sinner! Oh, glutton, glutton... Once a day, rarely - eat twice! Observe the fast strictly! Grant, Lord! Have mercy, Lord, for those who have alienated Thy will and Thy shrine! Oh, may I mercilessly crucify my voluptuous flesh with its passions and lusts! May I crucify myself to Christ God! Both before simple and noble, learned, rich and influential people, I must behave during divine services completely freely, without servility and fear, without embarrassment, with complete self-control - this is required by God, the Church, my rank, which is not higher in all the earth, but most importantly, I should not have carnal passions: gluttony, voluptuousness, contemplation and partiality, vanity and vanity, malice and envy. Yesterday I served the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church, having not served for five days, and due to my gluttony I was extremely decrepit in spirit and weak in the fight against opposing forces, dead in spirit, I could not free myself from the clutches of Belial when saying the prayer: Christ, the true Light and the first dismissal. What I wanted, I really wanted to say calmly, separately, I didn’t say it, and the enemy caught on, bringing fear, timidity, apprehension, eclipse, powerlessness of heart into me. Oh, if only I could always be free and not be bound by anything, by any vain fear! God! God! God! Grant me this grace! Raise me from aphids: from addiction to perishable food and drink, to perishable clothing, to perishable gold and silver, to a perishable body, to perishable earth, to all earthly goods, to temporary distinctions, for my highest and eternal distinction is the image of God, according to which I was wisely created, and the title of a Christian, a child of God, a member of Christ, the church of God animate: Do you not know that you are the church of God, and the Spirit of God dwells in you? [ 1 Corinthians 3:16 ]. Sensitive to the cries of my heart, Lord, I thank You, for this day You quickly heard my cry, when I, in repentance of my sins, in the sorrow of my heart, cried out to You, kissing Your terrible throne in the church of Your glory at the morning hour (ninth); You brought me out of the cramped space into space. Thank you, my hope, my consolation! I also thank You that You gave me the grace to perform the unfailingly late Liturgy in the Church of the Dormition of Your Most Pure Mother and overcame the enemies that fought me under me, although I was unworthy of it; I thank you that you gave me boldness and peace at the great entrance and the commemoration of the names of the royal family, at the utterance of the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal, for you defeated my enemies who troubled me at that time. Glory to You! But during the procession, due to weakness of spirit and violence from enemies, I was unable to say everything, Hear us, O God, our Savior... Grant me the grace to say everything, everything without stumbling! Destroy the treachery of invisible enemies over me, who steal Your words from me. The Holy Great Martyr Panteleimon, in the image of his Lord Jesus Christ, was merciful to everyone, and his life was named after him. Our pious empress also imitates the Lord and the deeds of the holy great martyr Panteleimon, on everyone, like a mother, ready to pour out her mercy. The past bloody war revealed her completely merciful and compassionate heart when she took the main part in the misfortune of wounded and sick soldiers, becoming the chairman of the Red Cross Society and the committee for arranging the fate of the children of soldiers killed on the battlefield and their widows. Brethren! And from all of us, the all-powerful Lord of kingdoms and peoples does not demand anything so urgently as mutual love, help, and mercy. But just as the image of mercy is varied and the commandment of mercy is broad, each of us must choose for ourselves, according to our strengths and capabilities, works of mercy. The shepherd must convert and enlighten the erring, teach the ignorant, etc.; merchant, scientist... chief... judge... member of public administration... warrior... commoner... artisan... Nothing makes one more like God than true mercy... I want mercy, not sacrifice... [Hos.6:6; Matthew 12:7]. Morning. At the Grechukhins' last night I had a more proper meal: I repent, I acted senselessly; I repent before God: I sinned with reason, not ignorance, according to an evil custom. And I couldn’t sleep at night because I was fed up with the day’s sleep and food and drink yesterday. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to trample upon carnal, destructive, voluptuous wisdom with spiritual, holy, life-giving wisdom through the opposition of carnal, sinful sweetness to spiritual, holy, incorruptible, Divine, imperishable sweetness. Father Paul, our dean, rector, an old man of seventy years old, with his stupid or, more correctly, impudent speeches about the Orthodox faith, its charters, laws, rituals with secular people, creates temptation and blasphemy against the faith. (Conversation with the merchant Lebedev.) The colonel with whom the abbot spoke was a man of little faith, and he later told other people that if he had been alone with him, he would have spat in his face for his impudent speeches about faith. (What praise to the shepherds!) Before the memorial service for Elisaveta Petrovna Kalmykova. The same rector let young Kalmykov, her son, notice that his son didn’t have to go to mass for the magpie, and he shouldn’t, he would serve without him, but the son was more prudent than the old archpriest and said: no, father, we will go to mass and pray for mother. What an indulgence of laziness towards pilgrimage! This is the faith of the abbot in the Magpies! So he inspired the young priest Peter (Klepachevsky) to perform the service of God at random and not to go to Matins to prepare for the celebration of the liturgy, but to go straight from bed to serve mass. But cursed is the man who does the work of the Lord carelessly, says the Lord [Jer.48:10]. This curse will fall on the head of the abbot. But, Lord, give some understanding to him and the young priest, who was misled by the abbot. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the early Liturgy without stumbling, heartfelt, in the Assumption Church at seven o’clock in the morning and to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries: I have been completely renewed. I am the greatest glutton and, therefore, an idolater: every day I enjoy to the point of satiety, and therefore at night I still see the pleasures of food and drink, all the tables with different dishes and feasts. Woe to me, the accursed one, who has fallen away from God! When will I despise sweets and the voluptuous flesh itself? As a result of drinking tea yesterday with the artillery official Vasily Ivanovich Petrov and drinking wine, especially eating rich wheat bread (a slice or two), today at mass I had many temptations: I was defeated by the enemy at the great entrance due to the large smoke from the incense (I felt sorry for the Annin ribbon - oh, madness! oh, absurd addiction!) and then, when reading the prayer behind the pulpit, I was in In embarrassment, the watchman Procopius, everything went to the censer. I received communion, thank God, in a life-giving way. Chrysostom spoke in Matthew about the Lord's walk on the waters. And he began to drown, crying out, saying: Lord, save me [Matthew 14:30]. And we drown daily in sins; I am drowning, the enemy is drowning, our sins and passions are drowning us. Oh, how necessary it is to cry out to the Lord in repentance: Lord, save us, we are perishing! Twelve and a half hours. I thank the many-merciful and benevolent Lord, who three times delivered me from the surge of anger in my heart (against the abbot) during the royal prayer service: I sincerely repented, condemned myself mercilessly, as if I had committed madness internally, and the Lord extinguished the fire of hell in my heart, stopped the confusion and crampedness and bestowed peace, freedom, coolness, and boldness. During the prayer service in the Kudryavtsevsky wings on the mountain, the devil confused and crushed me in words through the spirit of addiction to the new Vladimir ribbon (bronze cross): I felt sorry that the smoke of the incense burner would make me sooted - oh, the absurdity! oh madness! Should I, a priest, and at my age, chase after ribbons like a little child? Should this be my concern? Shouldn’t I despise all this, that is, various decorations, as corruptible, as killing the soul and separating from God, from His grace and enslaving the disembodied enemy, who has the power of death [Heb. 2:14]? During the royal prayer service, I also had an aversion to the governor (for the love of money, for his large bribes for government contracts). I myself sin most of all with my malice. Is it my business to get involved in the affairs and life of the authorities and various squabbles? Not mine - but I know myself, and that’s enough for me. I thank the Lord for the grace of boldly and zealously serving the prayer service with Mr. Captain Roman R. Boyle. I thank the Lord for quickly delivering me from the deception of the enemy, who forcibly carried me away during the early liturgy and killed me, my heart. I thank the Lord for serving the Liturgy with a peaceful heart, a clear and sonorous voice, and for miraculously reviving me with the Holy Mysteries. God! Teach me to look with reverence and love for You at the works of Your hands, especially at the mother of the human race, in general at the female sex, so wisely, artistically, beautifully, beautifully, blissfully, purposefully constructed, and never descend into sensuality and lust, much less corruption, for just as a woman is a majestic and beautiful church of God, and this church is holy, so a man is a majestic and beautiful church animated by the same Lord and also holy. Teach me to holyly desire Thee alone, holy, incorruptible, blessed, for Thou art all desire, all sweetness, bliss and ineffable beauty and eternal life; but through the lust for carnal beauty, sin, or the culprit of sin, alienates from Your holiness and Your will, from Your will and plunges into corruption and vile uncleanness, from which You Yourself preserved Your creation. For thirty-three years the Mother of God served as a faithful servant of God the Word incarnate, without in any way violating His Divine will by His grace, and for this She was exalted above every creature in heaven and earth, therefore She surpassed in holiness, power, strength, lightness, wisdom, mercy and love all the powers of heaven. It is worthy to eat as truly to bless Thee, Theotokos, ever-blessed and most immaculate and Mother of our God. While serving a litiya for deceased relatives and friends at the cemetery yesterday, I only corrected myself at the third litiya, but at the first two I did not pronounce all the petitions due to heart impotence and division. Therefore, despise all flesh, all the beautiful, sweet and glorious aphids of the earth. Do not hide for yourself treasures on earth, where worms and aphids decay, and where thieves break through and steal... for where your treasure is, there will your heart be also [Matthew 6:19–21]. I thank the Lord, who saved me three times during Matins from the storm and oppression of my sins (I was upset at the abbot who locked the southern doors of the altar in front of me); I repented of my evil suspicion, left my anger at him, attributed to him conciliatory feelings despite the devil’s slander, I myself desired peace, and the Lord pacified my heart. Grant me, Lord, simplicity and kindness of heart. Again, I fell into gluttony, guttural rage, and voluptuousness from early morning! Again, mental connection with unclean thoughts, again the imagination of voluptuous images, albeit momentary! Oh, uncleanness of the heart! Oh, fleshiness! O idolatry! Oh, separation from God! I thank the Lord, who did not leave me with His salvation and help during my walk in Oranienbaum and cut off my sins with the knife of the grace of the Holy Spirit. Oh, how beautiful, wonderfully beautiful, great and strong the Lord Jesus Christ is in visible nature, in this nature of Oranienbaum, in these marvelous forests, hills, ravines, lakes, flowering meadows, in this marvelously beautiful sky, in the clouds, in the sun and in all heavenly beauty, in this marvelous fragrance of plants, in this subtle, light, cool breeze! How beautiful He is in everything visible! How beautiful He is, especially in the crown of visible creations, in man! And how can we not be wounded by our ardent love for our most magnificent, most beautiful Creator, incorruptible, immortal, omnipotent, omniscient, all-good, most pure, most holy, wise, unchangeable? Everything visible, although beautiful, is perishable and fades; everything passes, changes, and does not remain forever. But God and our soul have no end, just as the Lord has no beginning. Let us turn our hearts’ gaze from the changing, impermanent, transitory to the unchangeable, constant, eternal; from visible beauty to invisible, from corruptible to imperishable. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance at the beginning of the early liturgy, delivered me from resistance and disobedience (heartfelt) to the abbot and from confusion and oppression, and who granted me obedience. Resistance is idolatry, according to Scripture [1 Samuel 15:23]; then from partiality and moral voluptuousness and finally from grief at the sexton for haste in singing: I fell from love, repented of this, humbled myself, asked God for love and leniency towards the sinner, not maliciously, but out of habit, and the Lord granted peace and love. He received Holy Communion in a life-giving, sweet, peaceful manner. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the crampedness of sin at the time when, returning from carrying out the deceased servant of God Anna, I entered the new unconsecrated Vladimir church and, being in cramped conditions and sorrow, prayed internally to the Lord, who saves our souls - God’s salvation soon visited me, and I received peace and space. Glory to the Lord who is always near! Evening, ten o'clock. I sinned before the Lord and before people in that, due to my sins, through impatience and malice, I myself was embarrassed and confused the choir of singers, who disagreed with the Glory to God in the highest, with my zeal (and not jealousy), with my anger, with my irritation, and angrily cursed the sub-regent at the altar. It was necessary to tolerate the mistake or meekly notice after the end of the all-night vigil. Forgive me, Lord, my grave sins. I thank You that You miraculously reconciled me with this sub-regent through my prayer and sent him to me with humility, and I forgave him from my heart and myself asked him for forgiveness. God! Blot out all the consequences of the former confusion, and may it not be remembered anywhere, and may there be peace everywhere, may the reproachful devil be put to shame. I thank the Lord, who, just before the all-night vigil, had mercy on me when I cried out with all my heart in repentance for the sin of hard-heartedness and greed, for I spared the silver, but did not spare and despised some of the beggars who asked me. Glory to our good and beneficial and humane God! After being delivered from cramped conditions and sorrow, I served the all-night vigil with a peaceful and spacious and warm heart; there were small tears of tenderness; I read the Gospel without any problems. I thank the Lord for lofty thoughts and lofty prayer for all people, may He take away the charm of sin from all hearts, may He enlighten the eyes of everyone’s hearts to the knowledge of the destructiveness and flattery of sin and to the knowledge of the sweetness and saving power of virtue, may He enlighten the eyes of everyone’s hearts with the light of the mind of His holy Gospel, may He correct all hearts in His love. God! Forgive me my anger towards the beggars, especially towards one of them: he asked for more after I gave him, and I told him with anger: you will drink away! Have mercy, Lord: I have fallen away from Your love and my neighbor, the accursed one, and I am constantly falling away, senseless, satiated with all Your goodness, ungrateful and malicious. I accuse and condemn myself with all my heart for my evil will. Forgive, forgive, abundantly merciful, gentle, sinless Lord! And today, from early morning, I was heard, pardoned and saved by the Lord my God, saved from the sin of murmuring and grief against the Lord Himself for a strong itching in the body that did not give me rest at night, and this itching is from blood damage due to my incontinence, due to the rotten air blown from our city and from St. Petersburg by the eastern wind. I repented of impatience, gluttony, lust, intemperance, sincerely condemned myself, asked for mercy - and was pardoned, pacified, allowed. Angry with the sub-regent for his absurd singing, I pleased myself, my flesh, which loves pleasant sounds, like pleasant food, drink, beautiful clothes, and so on. Everywhere the flesh sets nets of destruction for me, even in singing, and I believe it, a blind man, because of it I did not preserve it, because of my addiction to the pleasant, consonant sounds of harmony, peace, meekness, kindness, love, but I became angry and furious. My dislike and contempt (for his just contempt for me) towards the Metropolitan comes from the devil, from my offended pride and humiliated pride, and therefore is extremely unfair. I must be warmly disposed towards him in Christ and for Christ's sake. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who enabled me to celebrate the late liturgy in the cathedral while fighting against the opposing forces that oppressed me and did not give me freedom of heart and speech. Nervousness, voice quavering. Received life-giving communion. First, remember, Lord, that the Most Holy Governing Synod and the Most Reverend Metropolitan Isidore missed from violence and demonic fear, from the spirit of hostility... Lord, breathe into my heart love for the archpastor, although he is proud and unapproachable and reduces humble shepherds to insignificance, from which we lose heart and do not respect ourselves... Grant us also yourself - for Your sake, The beginning of the shepherd, respect and lead worthy of his high title, and the first shepherd on earth, enlighten, soften, please, so that he will be good to us, simple, humble, gentle, and approachable. But cleanse my sins, O most merciful Lord, that I may always be bold before everyone. I thank You, Lord, for what You have done in me many times over in two [hours] to save me from sweets, selfishness and vanity. I repented sincerely, mercilessly condemned sin with all my heart, all my thoughts and all my strength, I loved virtue and the Lord, the author of all virtue, and He had mercy on me, gave me peace and breadth with ease of heart. May I not divide my heart between God and creatures; my heart, all the love of my heart, must belong entirely to Him alone. Glory to Your wondrous, all-vivifying salvation! That’s how many times sin kills me, and every time through repentance you revive me, dead in sins, heal the ulcers of my soul, renew me, decayed from the ancient charm of sin. Oh, our all-saving Treasure, the all-life Treasure of our hearts! Precious, imperishable Sweetness of our hearts! What do we have in heaven? and what did You want on earth? My heart and my flesh are gone, O God of my heart, and my part, O God, forever [Ps. 72:25–26]. The earth, by the command of God, brings us countless of its vegetations, but does our soul bring the Lord the vegetation of virtues (that is, fruits)? - vegetation, which will serve us as food, light and glory in eternal life! We, shepherds, shepherd ourselves, serve the belly, chase after self-interest and wealth, after distinctions and awards, after decorating ourselves like idols or painted coffins, and do not care to shepherd either our souls or the souls of the people of God, redeemed by the Blood of the Most Pure Lord Christ our God, we are negligent about their Christian enlightenment, correction, we do not encourage them to virtue, we do not admonish them those who go astray, we do not save those who perish in drunkenness and debauchery, we do not care for the poor, we do not have mercy on orphans and widows. God! Teach us to feed Your flock, and not to feed ourselves with destructive pasture. We love to look at artificial, amusing, quickly disappearing lights, especially multi-colored ones, and yet we do not think about the eternal light, unimaginably beautiful, all-joyful, all-life, unapproachable, in which the Lord God lives, we forget that our soul, created in the image of God, in a state of righteousness is a spiritual light, the most beautiful of any material light, the subtlest, most life-giving, coming from God: Sometimes you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord [Eph.5:8], says the holy Apostle Paul about Christians. So, let us better try to make our souls a light in the Lord through the virtues characteristic of Christians: meekness, humility, kindness, purity, chastity, fidelity, truth. I thank my Lord with all my heart for His great salvation, which was revealed to me just before mass, when I sincerely and deeply repented to Him of my grave sin: of being angry with a beggar and of being bold with my hand (I pulled him by the hair and pushed him in anger). For the anger of the tuna and hostility towards the beggar and contempt, I felt great confusion, crampedness, sorrow, reproach of conscience, hellish fire in my insides, and it was very hard for me; I went to church and repented, repented, walking in the cathedral garden, repented fervently, rationally, completely condemning myself, completely, comprehensively weighing my sin, and the Lord soon had mercy on me, took away my guilt from me, pacified my soul, watered it with the heavenly dew of the Holy Spirit, spread it and made it bold. How easy it became for me after that! I served the liturgy with a free heart and partook of the Holy Mysteries without condemnation. After the Liturgy, the Lord saved me from the movement of the voluptuousness of my heart by looking ad virginem (at the maiden). Rebirth (church glory) - rebirth, renewed life. Verbal (church glory) – spiritual; understood in a figurative, spiritual sense. Labor (church glory) - torment, grief, sorrow; translated by P. Yungerov - anger. Part (Church Slavic) – fate, allotment.