Декабрь 1878 года

December 1st. I thank You, most generous God, for Your generous providence for the poor, for You miraculously sent me through Your good servant Stefanida two hundred rubles at once, which, except in the case of Paul Alex. Dmitriev, who gave five hundred rubles, had never happened before or since. God grant me to be generous. I thank the Lord for His greatest goodness in delivering me from the terrible oppression of the enemy, which befell me for my dislike and contempt for some beggars who often asked me: I gave them with chagrin and, as it were, mockery, a penny in silver, while to others I gave five kopecks or more. For quite a long time the disembodied enemy held me in his iron clutches, but when I fell several times in repentance to the throne at the Intercession, the Lord sovereignly delivered me from spiritual death and from being sent to hell, and I calmly served the entire liturgy. Evening. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me at this hour His great mercy: forgiveness of the sins of stinginess, lack of faith, laughter, bitterness, and severity towards the poor. I completely rejected a small girl and one man of about twenty and took them aside with annoyance so that they would not ask me. And the Lord said: Because you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me [Matthew 25:45]. I sinned before the Lord and people by not having mercy on people, having the opportunity to have mercy - forgive, Lord! In church during Vespers, I succumbed to hysterical laughter out of frivolity and fearlessness when I saw the watchman Procopius collapsed on the steps. I couldn’t stop laughing for a long time. This is how I revere the face of God! Oh, damned, fearless me! I repent, I blame, I condemn myself! Now the Lord has shown His great mercy to me, accepting my sincere repentance for my anger and abuse of the abbot of the Verkolsky monastery, Theodosius, who committed a great injustice with my son-in-law and married sister, and for hard-heartedness and stinginess regarding the beggar. The Lord gave me peace and spaciousness of heart after the confusion and tightness of my heart and the kindling of the devil’s anger. God! I thank You, who delivered me at this hour from the despondency, cowardice, and irritation that overwhelmed me at the diocesan authorities of the Arkhangelsk diocese for the great insult caused to my brother-in-law and sister by moving them to the worst parish of the Shenkursky district. Stronger is Thy mercy than any strength of the devil’s malice, which seeks to devour us. At this hour I experienced the malice of the devil, who burned me with hellish fire, oppressed me terribly, darkened me, worried me, humiliated me. But when I cried out to Him for help, condemning myself for madness, recklessness, and despair, He immediately saved me. There is no need for me to lose peace and evil, or human wickedness, to recklessly increase with my new evil, or my misfortune, despondent, embarrassed, irritated, embittered by evil people, but put my trust in God, in His mercy and truth - He is able to repay good for evil. December 2. I thank the Lord for the restful night, spent in complete ease, in complete health of soul and body, after my prayer in temptation. Don’t be embarrassed by any of the opposites, injustices, malfunctions and unrest of people, don’t be irritated, don’t be despondent, don’t be faint-hearted, don’t torment yourself, but keep yourself calm, cheerful, generous, trusting in God, who will not allow us to be tempted more than we can. For there are so many disgusting things, human actions that often concern us personally, that if we were to become embarrassed and irritated by everyone, we would be gone for ten (twenty) years and our life would have to end from displeasure and sorrow; and it is reckless to inflict wounds of sadness on oneself when others from the outside are trying to harm us. So I did and will do with the help of God, and the fruit from such behavior during adversity is beautiful, sweet: I am and will be peaceful, cheerful, cheerful, healthy in spirit and body. Do not pay attention to the barking of mental dogs barking at the Lord Himself and the Most Pure Mother of God, at the shrine and truth and the endless perfection of the Lord, and the most perfect shrine of the Mother of God; spit on them and be steadfast in fulfilling their holiness and righteousness. I thank the Lord for the gift of understanding and tenderness during the all-night vigil in the Duma Assumption Church. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the sorrow and distress that befell me for my anger towards the faulty servant Anna. I repented to the Lord with tears and received forgiveness, peace, freedom, life. December 4. Monday. I thank the Lord for the great deliverance from the tightness of my heart and the mortal anguish of my heart and the powerlessness of my heart during the liturgy, which was brought upon me by an incorporeal enemy because of my addiction to the belly (the prosphyras seemed small to me - that’s the trouble, and not the trouble, but the trouble - what an absurdity!). I thank the Lord for giving me the light of reason to recognize the absurdity of this addiction. Marvelous! The more well-fed I am, the less I need prosphora, the more I desire large prosphora, that is, a very measured size, and because of this I fall away from Christ, from love for Him and my neighbors, for the high work of the priesthood, I am deprived of peace, freedom, light. After the deliverance, he served kindly and zealously, only at the great entrance the enemy confused, confused, weakened, not allowing both the persons and the royal prerogatives to be expressed. I received life-giving communion, there were temptations. He spoke the discourse of St. John Chrysostom, said everything down to the last iota, and read the pulpit without stumbling. After mass and after the prayer service at V.A. Svishchov, Secretary of the Duma, behaved badly, drank a lot of wine, listened to inappropriate speeches, laughed a lot. Have mercy, Lord! 5. I thank the Lord, who saved me yesterday in the second grade of the gymnasium from the oppression of sins and the machinations of the enemy. The Lord soon visited me with His deliverance. I am sinful feces, accursed, I am unclean droppings, I am worse than everyone, everyone is better than me. Oh, how I must always humble myself before everyone, never yell at anyone, wish everyone every good thing and improvement in their lives! Oh, how dear is the soul, redeemed by the priceless Blood of Christ God! For her, all the economy of God of the Old and New Testaments, all the miracles, all the improvement of nature and all its fruits, for her - the prophets and so many broadcasts of God through them, for her - the Lord of the prophets Himself, the Creator of heaven and earth, incarnated, becoming a man and did not cease to be God, for her His wanderings on earth, His teaching, countless miracles, His suffering, death and burial, resurrection, ascension. How great must be the zeal of shepherds for the salvation of people! How zealous Christians should be for their salvation, enlightened by the light of heavenly truth, which Christ God Himself brought and illuminated us with! But what do we actually see? A person pushes his soul around every day as the most priceless object, like rubbish, like the dust of paths! It is desecrated by all sorts of iniquities, covered with the ugliness of passions every day and moves away from its prototype, the original, the first life of God, assimilating through its iniquities and passions to His enemy, the devil. Who will mourn such a pitiful transformation, such ingratitude, such disregard for the gifts of God! Ten o'clock in the evening. Four times a day, the Lord accomplished the greatest deliverance in me: during Matins, he delivered me from anger towards the sexton of Kamenograd; in the afternoon, when I went to the widow Uvarova to give her money, then I drove away a completely beggar, because of this great distress befell me, from which the Lord delivered me. Oh, how mammon resists the love of God and neighbor, resists the Gospel, prevents us from thinking about eternal life and achieving it. Then he saved me from the greatest distress before the all-night vigil and gave me peace and good service to the all-night vigil. As a result of God’s deliverance and God’s help during the prayer service in the mine workshop, I served the prayer service with great boldness, with great faith and zeal for the glory of God. There were many officers and foreigners among them. I regret that I ate fish (cold) this evening (December 5): it gives a strong stench in the stomach and produces winds that pollute the air; Lenten food, not fish, does not do this. Can the Spirit of God, the Spirit of holiness, dwell in a man who pleases the belly? It can't. December 6. You, O priests and laity, often give glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, to God in the Trinity, may this glory be to Him first of all in your hearts, in faith and unfeigned love, in meekness, humility, gentleness, abstinence, purity of soul and body, simplicity, in mercy, in obedience to each other, in hot, unfeigned repentance, in zeal for everyone good deeds - this is where the glory of the Holy Trinity must first of all come from us sinners. Otherwise, we often send up glory, but we ourselves dishonor the name of God with our unchristian life, our passions, our wickedness, anger, envy, enmity, intemperance, uncleanness, prodigal life, idleness, laziness, greed, hard-heartedness and unmercifulness, murmuring, disobedience and other sins. I sent a letter to the Archangel Eminence last Saturday, December 2nd; should arrive in Arkhangelsk on the 8th or 9th. Create, O God, the hope of all, a righteous deed for my son-in-law Vasily, and remove from unrighteousness. At the beginning of the all-night vigil in the Duma Church, the Lord showed me His great salvation from the oppression of sin that befell me for my severity and stinginess towards the poor. December 6. Evening. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me to perform many prayer services (more than twenty) and to serve the Divine Liturgy in the Assumption Church without condemnation with the uncondemned communion of the Divine Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who forgave me the grave sin of reproaching the poor and pushing another in my anger, raising my hand against him in rage - the heaviness of this sin, the tightness, the pressure was great within me. The Lord delivered me for my deep and long repentance. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the lustful obsession of looking at seductive pictures: I sincerely repented and was saved. December 7th. What will I bring to the Lord for the great salvation of me, evil-willed, prodigal, intemperate - what, besides heartfelt gratitude for salvation and for giving me faith, trust in His mercy and deep repentance for my sins? I thank You, gracious and beneficial Lord! You at once destroyed in me the captivity of many sins - gluttony, voluptuousness, malice, love of money, and transformed the fire of passions into the dew of grace, crowdedness into space, anger into meekness. Glory to You, Lord, glory to Your holy faith! (I tore out the beggar’s hair in my anger because of his frequent begging.) 8. I thank the Lord, who visited me with His mercy in the apartment of the church candlestick Michael before the prayer for the health and forgiveness of the sins of his wife Alexandra and before her communion. My heart moved to anger and indignation at Mikhail that he did not tell us the way to his apartment and we had to look for this way. I repented to the Lord in my soul, condemned myself and received forgiveness, peace and great mercy. After an early mass in the Duma Church from Maria Petrovna Dementieva, ordered for health and peace, her salvation. I thank the Lord, who in His great mercy has called me even today to serve the most heavenly, most divine liturgy and who has revived me through the communion of His Holy Mysteries. 9 . Saturday. I thank my infinitely good Lord for my repeated deliverance yesterday from the disastrous consequences of my anger at the poor who besieged me in different places, and for the gift of peace, freedom and boldness after confusion, oppression, and sorrow. I will remember, firstly, the salvation just before Vespers, and secondly, after Vespers, when I tore out the hair of one of the beggars: this salvation happened when I climbed in inner repentance to the stairs of Polyakov’s house, to the third floor, and then when I walked home. God's salvation is sweet and joyful to the soul. 10. Eight minutes to two o'clock in the morning (from the 9th to the 10th) the fortress of my iniquities collapsed from the fortress of the infinite mercy of my Lord Jesus Christ, when I, depressed by my sins, woke up and flowed to repentance and praise of the Lord (read the akathist to the Sweetest Jesus). And my grave sin was that in great anger I tore out one beggar by the hair and handed him over to the policeman, and shouted at other beggars to leave, calling them revelers. Where is the meekness in me in the likeness of the meekness of Christ? Where is the kindness and humility? Where is the patience? Where is the non-covetousness? Where is the abstinence? Where is purity and chastity? I, the damned one, became impoverished completely through good deeds. Your goodness, Your mercy, O Lord, are my wealth; Your grace is my priceless treasure. Glory to Your goodness, glory to Your power, which has crushed the rivets of my iniquities, which has melted the deathly ice of my heart! Amen. And just yesterday evening I had a disagreement and some quarrel with my wife over a basket of shoes. And I repent of this with all my heart. What if there were no cleansing from the Lord of my daily and repeated sins, if there were no mercy for me from the Lord? What a miserable, pitiful person I would be! In what cramped conditions I would be every day, in what confusion (not knowing the way of peace [Is. 59:8]), in what torment! But now, without number, the mercy of the Lord meets me every day! The Lord, by His mercy, cleanses all my iniquities, heals all my ailments, delivers my belly from the incorruption of passions, crowns me with mercy and bounty [Ps. 103:3–4]. Glory to the Lord, infinitely merciful! He served Matins by God's mercy with God's zeal, harmoniously in singing and shouting; at the beginning of the liturgy, at the proskomedia, the enemy killed my soul with greed and envy: the prosphyra were small, although not very much, and I was secretly indignant at the prosphyra maker, I felt hostility towards her because she was cunning and unrighteously enriched herself through the prosphyra. But then he reproached himself for his addiction to bread, for triple idolatry, for falling away from God and His grace, for a split heart, for his madness; I realized that the only source of life is God, that while serving the Liturgy, I must be all spiritual, all heavenly, and forget about earthly bread in view of the heavenly bread - the Body and Blood of Christ God, which will be performed on the throne and nourish me, that while serving the Liturgy, I must fix my heart’s gaze on eternal life, since it is preparation for eternal life and its pre-betrothal. After this, I was miraculously pardoned by the Lord, pacified, the mortal struggle ceased; I have improved freedom. The Old Testament burnt offering formed 171 burnt offerings on the cross in the agony of the cross of the Lord of glory, who suffered on the cross, and a burnt offering by His grace, His most pure Blood of our sins. The Holy Spirit descended on the apostles in the form of tongues of fire as a sign of the burnt offering of their sins and the sins of all believers in Jesus Christ who repent and as a sign of the ignition of love for God and their neighbors in the souls of believers. We feel how the grace of the Holy Spirit burns away all our sins. Let your holy body and honorable blood be like fire, scorching the sinful substance, burning the thorns of passions 172. My sins were consumed by immaterial fire 173, says the canon for communion. December 11. Many are called, but few are chosen [Matthew 22:2–14]. They began to deny together [Luke 14:18] - today's scientists, nobles, military, secular, shepherds, merchants and many, many of the common people. State the reasons for renunciation: pride, conceit, pleasing the flesh and the world. 11. Evening. God! I thank You, obedient, merciful and gracious, for repeatedly delivering me from the fierce sorrows that befell me with Your righteous judgment for grieving the poor: 1) when I went to the gymnasium (I walked all the way in cramped conditions, repenting) and when I came to the gymnasium, You freed me from the cramped conditions; secondly, when I was going to Vespers and again, meeting many beggars, I became upset with them, became embittered and fell into oppression and consuming fire; came to church, repenting and falling to the throne of grace, after which he received forgiveness, and, thirdly, walking from vespers and meeting beggars, he again became upset, but repented and received forgiveness. And the archpriest was immediately upset and annoyed that he forbade early masses to be served for me in the Duma, while he himself serves and does not forbid others. I humbled myself, left grief, by the grace of God, and I felt peaceful and spacious. Glory to God, who constantly has mercy on me and is not overcome by my malice! Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has now delivered me, an evil person, from new evil behavior (I looked evil at the abbot for his unfair claims). For a long time I struggled with the evil that seized and oppressed my heart; I prayed for a long time in repentance, self-condemnation, self-accusation, and an hour later the Lord had mercy on me, giving me forgiveness, space, peace, freedom. Oh, what a grave sin it is to violate the main principle of the entire law of God - love and to harbor enmity in the heart against one's neighbor! And how much will this hostility help? No, it only torments the enemy and arouses greater evil both in the enemy and in the one against whom we are hostile; enmity is madness, madness, absurdity. We must love our enemies, pray for them - this will place them in our favor. You must have goodness, meekness, humility, purity and chastity. Until we come to our senses! How long will we forget! 12. I thank the Lord, who delivered me at night, at three and a half hours, from the nightmare of hostility towards Archpriest Paul for his untruth. This nightmare tormented me, confusing me, crowding me, not allowing me to sleep for more than half an hour. Through repentance, faith and prayer three times I got rid of him. I sinned. He violated the main principle (foundation) of God’s law, that is, love for one’s neighbor and together for God. One should not fall away from love for any reason: keep it firmly, forgive everything, endure everything, do not get irritated, do not think evil. Meanwhile, thousands of everyday little things violate it in us, shake it, tear it out, and leave us without love and in shame. More than anything in the world, love is dear. Damn me, I drank my fill of tea and ate soft rolls, and these rolls began to fill my stomach like bones! And how easy it was for me before tea! It’s better not to drink tea or eat bread in the morning! I lived to be fifty years old, but I never learned to abstain! Oh, shame! Oh, the malice of the womb and decay! I notice in myself a petty, delicate pride and ambition that greatly offends me: for example, yesterday I was greatly wounded in my soul because of the unfair words of the rector, Father Pavel Trachevsky, who forbade my spiritual daughter Olga Afanasyeva (former bread keeper) to order early masses in the Duma Church, while this is not forbidden to any other person; I served this mass, and he told her that it was as if I had ordered her to serve in the Duma (an attack of envy and zeal on me). Today I was offended that the newly arrived governess greeted me disrespectfully, without getting up from the table like the others. I repented, realizing that I was not acting out of love, which covers everything, but out of pride, and the Lord forgave me, delivered me from cramped conditions and gave me space and peace during Vespers. Glory to the Lord! Ten o'clock in the evening. He returned at eight and a half o'clock in the evening from the general meeting of the Committee to supply the poor with clothing. Arriving home, I found great fun and noise from the children, the governess, Anna Konstantinovna’s sister-in-law, and my heart became stern, and my gaze became stern, and I walked dissatisfied into my office: my heart ached, I was dissatisfied with the fact that a stranger was brought into my house, besides the fact that Anna Konstantinovna herself lives with me every week. But I repented, sincerely condemned myself for falling away from love, realized that we must rejoice with those who rejoice, as weep with those who weep [Rom. 12:15], and the Most Merciful gave me forgiveness and peace. I praise the Lord, who is quick to obey. December 13th. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me, after long contrition and confession of my ill-will towards the poor, from the sorrow and cruel oppression that befell me righteously just before Matins and during Matins. I scolded one young beggar who arrived from St. Petersburg because his passport was overdue, and I gave two or three of the beggars nothing at all due to their early arrival; anger, confusion and distress befall me because of my pride, because of my love of money, my earthiness. If I placed all my hope in the Lord, I would be above all sorrows, I would not submit to them, I would not be hurt by them, I would passionately love my neighbor, created in the image of God, fulfilling the commandments would be food and pleasure for me, exercise in deeds of love would be life and bliss for me. But now it’s not like that, because I’m one of my own, not God’s, I want to live for myself, and not for God. God! Grant me to always be Yours! Eight and a half o'clock in the morning. At home. Again I fell out of love and treated my sister-in-law Anna K. very hostilely, coldly, contemptuously, and carelessly, who brought a governess to my house and came to me to ask me to serve a prayer service. Oh, my evil! Oh, pride, self-indulgence, impatience, self-will, despondency, cowardice! All these passions, spiritual troubles are due to my many-passionate flesh, greedy, envious, prodigal, selfish, insatiable, lazy, careless. But we must be guided by a single spirit of love, meekness, goodness, humility, kindness, goodwill, and peacefulness. Consider earthly, everyday things and conveniences as nothing! Grant me this, Master! God! I thank You with all my heart that You mercifully and sovereignly crowned my greatest struggle with evil with victory over evil and gave me kindness, peace, freedom when dealing with and talking with a new person in our house - governess Anna Ivanovna and sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna. I thank You, the Benefactor, for you have completely changed my heart and turned my sadness into joy, insane sadness. Eight and a half o'clock in the evening on December 13th. I thank the gracious and long-suffering Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from the cramped conditions and sorrows of hell that befell me for my malice and my hard-heartedness towards the poor, firstly, when I went to the gymnasium and gave in to some with grief, and passed others without attention, leaving them to freeze, and secondly, when I walked with a cross from the smoking room and the beggars were chasing me, and I ran from them, then I went up to them and attacked one with evil scolded, saying: how scary you are! - when there was nothing terrible about him; I walked the whole way to Pesochnaya Street and repented of my anger - and was finally pardoned and pacified; thirdly, at home, at the sight of the destruction of my bed and my sister-in-law and governess and others eating their food. I felt great hostility towards them once, twice, and three times, and when I immediately repented of violating the most important law - love, I was immediately forgiven and pacified. The devil corrupts the soul every day, but the Lord renews and revives. Glory to His goodness and generosity, His good-will and quick obedience, His invincible power, the strength of His mercy, crushing in us every strength of our evil. Shebalin was given unction: there were a lot of people, it was hot, it was sickening, I had difficulty reading the Gospel and the prayer, and besides, I was tired from walking. At the unction, I was especially touched by the words of the Holy Apostle Paul, expressing the character of Christian love: Lyuba is long-suffering, merciful... does not get irritated, does not think evil, and so on. If I distribute all my possessions... love is not an imam, there is no benefit for me [1.13: 4–5]. We must try every day so that our hearts are warm for others, and not cold, and so that we ourselves feel warm, otherwise there is an icy coldness in our souls and sometimes grief from us to our neighbors. During the unction of Mr. Shebalin, I did not have sincerity, but some kind of coldness of heart, indifference, vanity! It was hot; I was completely relaxed both in body and soul. And Fathers Porfiry, John, John the Prison and Father Vladimir Krasnopolsky read the Gospels and prayers very well; The deacons and apostles also read excellently! I alone was the worst! O corruption of the heart! Tomorrow, December 14, do not eat or drink anything for the sake of casting out demons by the grace of Christ from the verbal creation of Clement (I sinned - after being tired I had a snack and drank tea). Yesterday I drank one glass of vodka from the clerk of the gymnasium, Klimentyev, and my heart became extremely weakened due to the enemy’s snares. God will not despise a contrite and humble heart [Ps. 50:12]. This is true, I experience it every day. Can an Ethiopian change his skin and a leopard his spots? So can you do good when you are accustomed to doing evil? [Jer.13:23]. That’s right: I experience it every day. Only by Your grace can I do pure good - without it, without You, Lord, I can do nothing [John 15:5]. 14. Even hitherto I had sinned, not looking at the poor of all kinds as members of Christ and the brethren of Christ and being angry at them for begging, often insulting and despising them, reluctantly and with annoyance giving them small, insufficient alms. Damn man I am! I drank two glasses of tea and ate rolls with tea, and it became cramped, heavy in the womb and in the sides - unnecessary. There was no need to eat or drink. 15. Oh, damned man I am! Oh, the inexhaustible mercy of God! Yesterday after Vespers, while going to christening and having given alms to more than twenty beggars who surrounded me on the road, I severely tore one of them by the hair while he was still following me, annoying him with begging. Arriving in the basement of Nazarova’s house for the christening, I turned to the Lord in repentance, and He soon had mercy on me, taking away the oppression and confusion from my soul. Thank the Lord! Grant me, Lord, meekness, patience, kindness, non-covetousness, contempt for my flesh, kindness, compassion, trust in Your all-generous providence. Why this severity, obstinacy towards the poor, this cry, these reproaches, reproaches, this forced alms, with reluctance, indignation, stinginess? Doesn’t all this destroy the work of alms and make it unpleasant to the Lord, who deigns to personally accept our alms given to the poor? From now on, my Lord, grant me to always be meek, kind, quiet, diligent, loving, and generous towards the poor! Wake up! For past sins regarding the poor, I repent to You, Lord, with all my heart, accept my repentance and forgive me. Your compassions are great to me, O Lord, regarding the poor and because of the poor. I confess Your mercy and bounty, O Lord! Make me worthy of them, but now I am unworthy of them. 15 and 16. I thank the Lord, who has had mercy on me many times and ineffably, graciously and life-giving, and soon yesterday at Matins and early mass and today also through the prayer of my repentance. But today it was terribly difficult for me to serve mass because of my greed: the prosphyra were callous, and this irritated me extremely, that is, the enemy set fire to, oppressed, confused, cut, and relaxed me throughout the mass; the internal nerves, gastric and intestinal, were especially painfully irritated. The addiction to corruptible meat (prosphora) terribly kills the soul and separates it from God; the very Lamb from the stale prosphora seemed not to be a real Lamb (oh, madness! oh, blasphemy of the enemy!), although the dried Gifts are the same all-perfect Lamb of God. It was a great temptation for me: I was painfully irritated and, I think, because I didn’t walk enough in the fresh air in the evening, and at home I read at Grechukhina’s in the unclean, stale air and disturbed and irritated my nerves. The voice was weak and unclean when reading and singing the canon and during the service of the liturgy: this is a sign that he read for a long time in unclean air and drank tea with jam. Jam is harmful, harmful, tea at the wrong time too, especially when the water is rotten. December 16th. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank you for the great salvation that was shown to me on the way from Golubev’s house (at the market on Vladimirskaya Street) to Sizov’s house, as I approached the house, and in the apartment of the deceased Theodore (at the Grechukhins’). I was in great distress, confusion and hellish fire after I became angry with the beggars who were pursuing me from Golubev’s house, and shouted at them, and loudly called on the policeman to drive them away. But the Lord accepted my great, deep, long-lasting repentance, [and in] His infinite mercy saved me again and again, giving me the longed-for peace, spaciousness of heart and great boldness. It’s a lesson for me not to be irritated, but to always be quiet towards everyone. Well, what if it weren’t for God’s mercy and long-suffering towards me? I would have died long ago because of anger. 17. The disembodied, all-evil, evil enemy every minute intensifies to plant all kinds of absurdity in my heart and thoughts and thereby defile, corrupt and torment me. But You, Lord, consume, like a web, all his absurdities, all his abominations, dirty tricks, and strengthen me to fight him and give me Your wisdom to defeat him. I thank the Lord for the great deliverance given to me yesterday during the all-night vigil after prolonged repentance and struggle with enemies and sins. Great sorrow and distress befell me just before the all-night vigil and during it because I refused to fully satisfy the request of two beggar girls who asked me to add to the eight kopecks given to each of them, and I slipped away from them to church - and met hell in my heart; The Lord delivered me from this hell, from this belly of hell; but for a long time my enemies, the hunters, pressed me. I read the Gospel briskly, with great joy, except for two or three words at the end that were stolen by the enemy. The release said slowly, in order, except for the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky, who was torn out by the enemy due to my cowardice. The enemy embarrassed me with the stinginess of the merchant Andreev and his wife towards the poor and hostility towards them, but I neglected the machinations of the enemy and did, I said leave, not [...] to him. December 17. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness during the liturgy, abundant tears and unfaltering service from beginning to end. At the great entrance, he overcame the devil’s confusion and fear; at the exclamation “Remember first, O Lord,” at the prayer behind the pulpit and at dismissal, he remembered all the saints slowly, with arrangements, except for the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky, our patron and intercessor. During Vespers, during the Great Litany, he stumbled somewhat, did not pronounce the petitions, then he recovered and completed the entire Vespers well. A prayer service with the blessing of water to the Tikhvin Mother of God and Peter and Paul was served with animation; in Marya Arsenyevna’s apartment there was also a prayer service to the Mother of God with animation. Going to the christening after the prayer service and surrounded by beggars who persistently asked (some for the second and third time) for money for various items, I became very angry with them and tore some of them out by the hair; He himself was wounded in his soul, embarrassed, felt tightness, and, having come to the kvass-maker to baptize, stood before the Lord in repentance and with great hope, and was immediately pardoned by the Lord: he felt peace, joy, and boldness in his soul; He baptized calmly, with great tenderness. Great art thou, O Lord, and marvelous are thy works in me, and not a single word will be sufficient to sing the wonders of 174 thy mercy and power in me, for thou hast powerfully forgiven me my many and cruel sins. Bless the Lord, my soul, and do not forget all His rewards: He who cleanses all your iniquities, who heals all your ailments, who delivers your belly from the corruption of passions, who crowns you with mercy and bounty... He did not create food for us because of our iniquity, but He rewarded us with food for our sins... The Lord is generous and merciful. , long-suffering and abundantly merciful [Ps. 103:2–4, 10, 8]. Did Archpriest Trachevsky contribute money from Piminov to the trusteeship? 18. Monday. Last night I acted cruelly to the beggars who surrounded me as I hurried to the christening; I pulled them hard by the hair. I repent of my ardor and cruelty. I thank the Lord, who gave me boldness at the great entrance and at the saying of dismissal, in spite of the devil, who instilled fear and cowardly fear in me, and who gave birth in me the good hope of henceforth to firmly say all dismissals, without fear of the multitude of people and the tinsel of the military. I looked boldly in the Lord at all those who stood before me. The holy saints were the firmest adamantine friends of God, but I, the accursed one, do not have the fortitude to firmly pronounce their names at daily services. Absurd, unfair, impudent, ungrateful: they are our zealous prayer books before God. When the rector came to church yesterday during mass, the ethereal enemy began to confuse me with a feeling of hostility towards him for various injustices, but by the grace of God I overcame, although with spiritual difficulty, this illegal feeling and overcame sin and its culprit, thank God! Four hours to ten minutes on December 18th. Monday. I thank the Lord, my most holy hope, who wonderfully had mercy on me during a class at the gymnasium, when I repented of my anger and my dislike for the sexton Zrelov for his rudeness and disobedience in writing a death certificate on the passport of the deceased. In the name of the Lord, I humbled myself and forgave my brother everything, and the Lord forgave me my sin and took away my distress and my sorrow. I came to the sexton and said a word of reconciliation. At home during dinner, the enemy stung me with sadness about the extra freeloader governess. I was irritated in my soul at the encroachment on my property, but then I came to my senses and turned to the Lord with a prayer of repentance, may He forgive me my cowardice, my greed and stinginess, and may He grant me complete trust in His providence and providence, which so wonderfully cares for me and for everyone. The Lord reassured me when I placed my hope in Him and embraced love for my neighbor, from which I had fallen away due to my greed. I thank the Lord, who has tamed the greed of my flesh, envy and hostility towards my sister-in-law, who comes to me often, who has imposed on me, in addition to her children, a governess; The Lord enlightened the eyes of my heart, gave me peace, tranquility, love, contentment with myself and them, and complacency, for He always gives us [everything] and will not abandon us in His holy providence. 19. Have faith in Jesus Christ our Lord of glory, regardless of persons [James 2:1]: behave equally simply and zealously, sincerely regarding worship both before simple people and before learned, noble, noble, for the Lord God is nobler, wiser, richer, higher than all and infinitely greater. 20. In explaining the divine service, speaking about the church and its holiness, it must be said that the body of a Christian is a majestic holy church in which God lives, if only a person lives holy and shuns sin, that this church not made by hands must be preserved as a shrine of God, protected from corruption by fornication and intemperance, for whoever corrupts God’s church, God will corrupt him [1.3:17]. Speaking about images and icons, say that man is the image of God in soul and partly in body, since God Himself became man, and [one must] carefully guard the features of the image of God in oneself and ascend to the likeness of God through righteousness, holiness, meekness, kindness, mercy, self-control, purity, obedience, and patience with adversity. Speaking about holy garments, say that our incorruptible, holy, most precious garment is the Lord Jesus Christ, as it is said: all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ [Gal.3:27], and that the garments worn by priests and clergy should remind us of the good qualities required of them by God and people, of truth, holiness, humility, patience (epistrachelion - yoke Christ's phelonion - the truth of God and the truth by which priests should live). Your priests will be clothed with righteousness [Ps. 132:9]. Speaking about the sacred books, talk about the wonderful spiritual richness of their content, the salutary, painful, nourishing nature of thought and feeling, the persuasiveness and sweetness for the soul of all the psalms, chants and spiritual songs, various prayers. What soul are they unable to bring to a sense of repentance, to touch, to delight, to console, to bring into inexplicable delight? It is a pity that many do not know the contents of our liturgical books. 20. I thank the Lord, who yesterday surprised me with His inexpressible mercy during the daily services, who granted me to experience heavenly delights while reading the canons and singing stichera and irmos, to pronounce litanies, and especially who revived and renewed me through the communion of the Divine Mysteries; who will describe my rebirth, renewal, deification after communion of the Divine Mysteries, my spirit triumphant in the Lord?! Only I sinned soon after mass - I weakened my heart and body somewhat by eating and drinking coarse tea and wine at the merchant Ushakov’s (a prayer service was served on the occasion of the anniversary of the opening of a shop in his new house). May the Lord forgive. The Lord saved me many times during the day from my sins, by which I was accustomed, and from the snares of the evil one. I thank the Lord. The Lord surprised me with His generosity - the widow Olga Afanasyevna gave me a hundred-ruble, five-percent ticket for the purchase of a fox fur coat. Glory to the bounties of God. Thanks to the servant of God Olga. Reward her, Lord! The church is a place of sanctification of Christians, a house of prayer, praise and thanksgiving to the Creator and Redeemer, a place of communion with God and deification, there is heavenly life on earth and copulation with angels. My house will be called a house of prayer, said the Lord [Isa.56:7]. Thy house befits holiness, O Lord, for the length of days (Ps. 93:6). The Holy King and Prophet in many psalms enthusiastically describes the benefits and necessity of the church for man. And what do today’s free-thinking and corrupt people say about it? We don’t need a church, we can pray at home. At home? That is, in the village of sin and vanity? So. Preface each part of science with verses from the Holy Scriptures or from the Holy Fathers, briefly indicating the importance, benefit and necessity of the church and worship for the teaching, admonition, sanctification, improvement and salvation of Christians. All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, so that the man of God may be complete, equipped for every good work [2.3:16–17]. 21. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance for the shameless, prodigal movement of the flesh and spirit when my brother-in-law Peter and his young, beautiful [...] wife visited our house. 22. I thank the Lord, who gives me the cleansing of sins many times in one day and great zeal when performing divine services and the wonderful living water of grace in my heart, so that I serve with delight, especially in my next week, with great faith, with great gratitude to the Lord, who wonderfully saves the human race, cast into corruption and slavery to sin. I thank the Lord, who gives me the grace to overcome the enemy when speaking absolutions and to pronounce them in full, slowly, undisturbed, hesitantly 175, calmly: now I have begun, this betrayal of the right hand of the Most High 176 [Ps. 77:11], - the enemy severely offended and put me to shame during absolutions, leading me astray at the beginning through fear and fear. Fix the great entrance to the liturgy for me, Lord! Grant me, Lord, to pronounce royal faces sincerely and firmly! Wake up! 23. Morning. Five o'clock. I thank the Lord for the great miracles of God’s mercy and power in me, performed yesterday during Vespers, which I performed after a treat with the birthday girl Anastasia Ivanovna Kononova (Arkhip Kononov’s wife); I did not save Christmas Eve, drank wine, ate fish pie and just fish, became somewhat intoxicated, and my heart became powerless to fight the vigilant enemy: fear and fear of cowardice attacked me, and only the trust in God’s help that was restored in me by grace did not allow me to completely waver and be embarrassed during the service of Vespers; I began to pronounce the Great Litany extremely rarely, seeing the storm of crafty demons in me. And he completed it to the end; I crumpled up the petitionary litany, as well as the special litany, but, having recovered, he said the whole dismissal. At Compline the canon himself read, the litany of the Midnight Office and the usual forgiveness said everything. I thank the Lord. At the memorial service at Shebolin, the Lord destroyed the great confusion of the enemy and gave boldness and peace for faith, repentance and reasoning. Then, when I was traveling back with the sexton, the Lord again destroyed the tightness of my heart and gave me peace and space. Glory to the beneficent Lord! Nine o'clock in the evening. I glorify the riches of Your goodness and Your mercy towards me, a sinner, uncorrected, evil, suspicious, voluptuous, lascivious, money-loving, lazy, abusive, arrogant, angry, irritable, etc. What an abyss of sins I have and what an abyss of goodness, mercy, forgiveness, cleansing, permission you have, sanctification, pacification, renewal! I see, I clearly see the abyss of Your mercy! I see the abyss of my sinful corruption by all types of sins! Now, in one hour, You, Lord, Life-Giver, have raised me four times from sinful death, from hellish tightness and sorrow to life, to peace, spiritual space, to freedom of spirit. I sinned and fell into the cruel death of sin because of hostility towards the poor, because of anger at them because they often and everywhere chase me, forgetting that they are driven by need, and not by whim and malicious intent. How long will I be hard-hearted, stingy, angry, crafty, money-loving, and without trust in God? Don’t I see how wonderfully the Lord provides for me and the poor through me? An old debtor, from whom I had no hope of collecting the debt, returned it (one hundred rubles), kind women gave me one hundred rubles for the beggars and for me personally more than once. I praise Your generosity, Lord! I have now also sinned by the lustful movement of my heart and flesh during the confession of the girl. And how honorable is female nature! It is a wonderful instrument of God’s goodness, wisdom, and power. It is beautiful, unglamorous, purposeful, worthy of all respect and reverence as the work of a beautiful human, god-like being! And God Himself in the Virgin and from the Virgin became incarnate and became man. Let us look at what is pure and pure! In a holy place (in the altar at the throne of God) stand holy, in a high place - woe is your heart! Stand heavenly in the earthly sky! December 23. Saturday. Eleven o'clock in the evening. During the service of Matins and Liturgy, I felt in my heart a strong storm of hostility and envy towards the wife of sexton Zrelov, inspired by ethereal enemies on me, voluptuous, proud, envious, and only after a strong struggle, after repentance from the depths, heartfelt contrition for sins, did I receive pardon and deliverance from malice; During the communion of the laity with the Holy Mysteries, I felt the same, and only through repentance, self-condemnation and crying out to God did I get rid of hostility. Oh, sweet salvation of God! Oh, my evil! Oh, mastery of evil! (Towards the children of my acquaintances - Anna Geras and Evlampia Petrovna, who came up for communion, I also felt contempt, coldness, disgust - for those with whom the Lord Himself deigns to unite sincerely! This is all from carnality, gluttony, pride, the comfort of life.) I am an idol to myself, a cursed one. December 24. Resurrection. This morning, at the end of Matins, when I was dressed in full priestly utensils, I fell into the greatest spiritual trouble from allowing a momentary feeling of hostility towards the watchman Alexei, who handed me clothes, and because of what trifle? Due to the fact that he sluggishly gave the belt and did not tighten it back at all. The devil cleverly caught me in this hostile feeling and severely tormented me. I repented and repented, condemned, scolded myself, humbled myself, and finally the Lord had mercy on me while reading the Gospel. At the great entrance, the enemy again beset me, again wounded me and confused me - and again I repented, and again the Lord had mercy on me, granting me peace. He served Mass well, but while fighting invisible enemies. Received life-giving communion. He read the pulpit firmly, said the dismissal not very firmly, and did not pronounce some of the names of the saints. Weakness from gluttony. This generation is driven out only by prayer and fasting [Matthew 17:21]. The voice was great the whole time. The canon was read loudly and solemnly. 24. Three and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for His immeasurable mercy towards me, shown in delivering me from the fierce oppression and sorrow that befell me for my hard-heartedness towards the poor and insufficient, not from the heart, with annoyance, giving alms to them. Throughout Vespers I suffered from this crampedness and sorrow; towards the end it was healed by the grace of Christ after I fell before the throne of God in repentance and prayer. But after Vespers, leaving the church, I again met beggars persistently asking for alms, and again I was indignant at them and felt hostility towards them, and again sorrow and distress befell me, and again repentance and prayer on the way to Seviskevich (near the theater); in his apartment the Lord again showed me forgiveness and cleansing and great mercy. I thank the Lord for faith, for hope, for repentance, for admonition and enlightenment. I thank the Lord, who cleansed the prodigal inner movement of my heart and flesh, which I felt when I gazed voluptuously at the girl; I bowed my knees before the Lord in repentance, and He heard and saved me according to His great mercy. What I did was bad, bad, that at dinner I ate quite a lot of fish and black bread, my heart became heavy, and my flesh was enraged by fornication. Oh, what an abyss of the Lord’s bounties, His ineffable mercies towards me, the many-passionate one! December 25th. Glory to the Lord, who has given me the gift of seeing this day, which has brought joy to the whole world! You were born from the Pure Virgin for my sake - let me be born again for Your sake and by You. There is a lot in me, in my heart, of all sinful uncleanness, and if the grace of God did not keep me from sins through righteous punishments, then I would commit every sin: I would be a drunkard [and already am], and a fornicator, and a murderer, and a thief, and every kind of sinner: a lover of money, a covetous person, a slothful person, an adversary, etc. Glory, glory to the grace of God saving me, a sinner. I have nothing to boast about. I am only a sinner, I am nothing, and if there is something, it is by the grace of Christ my God; Christ is everything to me: truth, sanctification and deliverance, light, strength, the robe of my soul. Blessed be His name alone in heaven and on earth. Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will to men! [Luke 2:14]. Grant me to see off the immaterial, heavenly life on earth, O Lord. You came down to earth in order to raise me to heaven, me, who had sunk to the ground and was perishing in worldly addictions. Oh, how You have exalted me, honored me, blessed me, immortalized me! He who always heartily participates in all the readings and hymns and sacred rites of the Church gets used to thinking, feeling, speaking and doing as the Church of God thinks, feeling, speaking and doing, enters into the spirit of its holiness, truth, and becomes a citizen on earth, a friend of all saints and even a friend of God. December 25th. Morning. After Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform His services during a difficult struggle with passions and demons, before reading the Gospel, when the enemy struck me with strong hostility towards Paraskeva Ekim. Murashova, under the pretext of stinginess, gave to the poor. Oh, how he embarrassed me, embarrassed me, hurt me, tied me up, put me to shame! I struggled like a fish against ice (weak due to gluttony and satiety), but finally the Lord accepted my repentance and had mercy, granting me peace. He served mass under cramped conditions and fighting from enemies. The singers sang superbly. I served with a clear, pure, sonorous voice. First of all, remember, I didn’t say everything against my will. Yes, I love and respect those who offend me, eat me up, get drunk, scold me, don’t like me, despise me. For what gratitude do I have if I love only those who love me, who give to me, give, bow to me, caress me? The pagans do the same [Matthew 5:47]. December 28. I thank the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God for the sweet and peaceful sleep and for the healing of the severe pain in my head. I received such a blessing from the Lord and Lady Theotokos for my prayer in the evening to the Lord and His Most Pure Mother and for some abstinence. Just as I slept very poorly yesterday, today I slept excellently. I thank the Lord for having mercy on me. To the question: how to look Orthodoxy at the saints of God and their icons? They should be looked at as filled with the Holy Spirit (Elizabeth was filled with the Holy Spirit [Luke 1:41]), full of the Divine and never for a single moment deprived of this filling. Therefore, one must look at them and pray to them with reverence and love. Lutherans and Reformed sin greatly against God and the saints, because they do not honor the saints of God, nor their images, as well as the images of the Lord Himself, who deigned to take upon Himself our slave image. From ignorance or failure to assimilate the said truth in the heart, secret blasphemy in thoughts against the Mother of God and the saints occurs, or coldness towards them, negligence in honoring them. Four o'clock in the evening. December 28. I ate game with gusto - turkey and grouse - and now my womb can’t handle it comfortably: I feel nauseous. I don’t need to eat anything particularly nutritious or fatty, much less after an upset stomach. I need constant fasting, because the acceptability and need of the body is the most limited. The fragrance of the censer means that the Lord Jesus Christ has scented human nature, stinking with passions, with the shrine of the Holy Spirit, and now will be scented with the grace of the shrine of every person who sincerely prays and repents. To rush madly into the performance of God's service means to have no taste for the spiritual at all and to live only for oneself, to please one's passions and lusts, and not for God and one's neighbors, to feed oneself and one's bestial passions. Yours from Yours... about everyone and for everything, about all the saints, living and dead, which is further expressed by the continuation of the liturgy. (More... about the holy kings, apostles... martyrs, confessors... etc.). I thank the Lord, who solemnly, graciously and quickly delivered me from spiritual death - sorrow, melancholy and tightness of heart on the way to the house of [R....] to Antipenko and to the sick Elisaveta Nikolaevna Dyakonova. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to successfully perform the betrothal prayer service in the apartment of Viktor Feodorovich Nabatov. His daughter is Antonina, his fiancé is John, a navigator officer. December 30th. Saturday. The Lord poured out the abyss of His mercy on me today at four o’clock, at four and a half o’clock in the evening, saving me twice from the most terrible spiritual death, from sorrow and cramped conditions and the fire of hell, destructive of soul and body. I sincerely repented, gained faith in God’s mercy, hope in His immeasurable mercy, and was saved from sins - once in church during Vespers, another time in the house near Sinebryukhov’s warehouse. I was subjected to extreme sorrow and cramped conditions and hellfire for impatience, for anger and hard-heartedness towards the poor man who came from St. Petersburg and turned to me for the first time with a request. I rejected it because of the many local townsfolk who approached me. In sorrow, I fell before the icon in the house of Sinebryukhov, with an inner prayer of repentance, with faith and hope, and the Lord destroyed my sins, sorrows and oppressions in me, pacified and cooled, expanded my soul. The first time I was punished for anger at the poor, when I went to Vespers and there I fell at the throne of grace with repentance and faith, and the strength of my sins collapsed by God's grace, I was given peace, freedom, space, boldness. In the Duma Church, during the all-night vigil, the Lord showed me the greatest help and salvation before the prayer to Christ, the True Light and the dismissal of the first hour. By the grace of God, I defeated the machinations of the enemy: I read the prayer and boldly said the entire release of the one who was born in the den (the celebration of the holiday) with all the saints: Saint Alexander Nevsky and Joseph the Songwriter. December 31st. Resurrection. This morning I got up for the first time at six o’clock, prayed (morning prayers and canon, and akathist to the Savior, akathist to the Mother of God, canon to the Holy Guardian Angel), then lay down again, fell asleep and got up at nine o’clock. Relaxed by sleep, I went out into the street and went to church; Having met the beggars, I, a sinner, again did not meekly, but met them with annoyance and anger, gave alms reluctantly, with displeasure and reproaches, and for this I am now punished by internal fire and the tightness of hell, from which I suffered before the start of mass in the Duma Church and during mass before the Gospel, constantly suffering and burning from the fire of hell; I repented, falling to the throne of grace; I performed the Proskomedia in cramped conditions, began the Liturgy of the Catechumens in cramped spaces, and kept repenting, finally, while reading the Gospel, when with all my heart I mentally applied the name of Jesus Christ as a healing balm, the hellish fire went out in my soul, my heart cooled down, was at peace - I became a new person, raised from death to life. I received Holy Communion in a very life-giving way. The dismissal was said in full after the sermon of Metropolitan Gregory 177. Obrazovat (Church Slavic) – to represent; depict. Troparion of the 9th song of the canon from the sequence to Holy Communion. Troparion “Thou hast made me sweet with love, O Christ...” from the follow-up to Holy Communion. Prayer for the blessing of water. Unchangeable (Church Glav.) – unconvertible, unchangeable.