Ноябрь 1878 года

November 1st. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance in grief at my sister-in-law Anna for her grumbling about my walking around the hall in the morning and who gave me the grace of victory over my own and her malice, for I was tormented in my soul, indignant at her ingratitude for all the good from God given to her through me, unworthy, and I would have been ready to drive her away from me. Grant me, Lord, to always respond to evil not with evil, but with good-naturedness, complacency, meekness, condescension, and forgiveness. Wake up, wake up! Ten and a half o'clock in the morning. This day began for me after Matins, from the moment of grumbling from my sister-in-law Anna, who was still in bed, extremely unfavorably: for being upset with her, the devil’s anger seized me, and I was tormented by it for several hours with a strong struggle with her (that is, anger) before the prayer service in the fourth service wing (in Burachok’s carriage). I fought with her at home, repenting and praying to the Lord for mercy and deliverance; then in church he fell to the throne of grace about the same thing, before the very prayer service in the carriage, also in the cramped conditions of the enemy, he prayed for deliverance; During the prayer service there was a strong struggle, it took me a lot of work to complete the prayer service, the enemy pressed me, and after the prayer service I was not completely free from the enemy and his malice. Why such a struggle? Such weakness? Such bitterness? – From intemperance in food and drink (especially from drinking wine at a party) and from failure to communicate with the Lord in the Mystery of Communion: I did not serve mass for three days: the sin of gluttony [orphaned] me from the Lord, turned His help away from me. I repent to the Lord with all my heart. May my repentance not be fruitless, but may I be zealous for abstinence, gentleness, simplicity, humility, and patience. Nine o'clock in the evening. I thank You, obedient and beneficent Lord, for in this hour, in these minutes, You have made a wonderful, good change in me, and in my wife, and in my sister-in-law, taking away from my heart the evil that tormented me, and making them unusually soft and affectionate. My wife herself came up to me, straightening the lamp, and spoke to me very kindly and courteously and kissed my hand several times. Glory to God, our benefactor, our benefactor! May truth always reign in my heart, and not evil, may I always overcome evil in myself and in people with good. If we look carefully into our hearts, we will find that many different evils reign in us every day: self-love, hostility, hatred, pride, ambition, vanity and vanity, envy, greed and insatiability of the heart, love of money, voluptuousness, fornication, laziness, negligence, despair, self-will, stubbornness, gluttony and drunkenness, disbelief, blasphemy. May your kingdom come. A true Christian burns with desire every day for all truth to reign in him and not for a moment for sin to reign, for even a momentary reign in the heart of sin and lawlessness gives rise to death. Respond to grumbling with silence, to pride with humility, to anger with kindness and kindness, to insolence with friendliness, to coldness with sincerity, to disdain with respect. Learn from Me, says the Lord, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls [Matthew 11:29]. True and everlasting peace of mind comes from meekness and humility, gentleness. All day yesterday the spirit of malice led me, the accursed one, by the nose, arousing and maintaining in me anger towards my sister-in-law for a few grumbling words in the morning. In the evening, the Lord saved me through an intense prayer of repentance. Our bodies are members of Christ (1 Cor. 6:15). We will live holy. Let us have mercy on the bodies of the poor, giving them what they need for food and clothing. Divine service is the personification or implementation of the entire Christian Orthodox faith, its teachings, its promises, commands, its holiness, salvific value, strength, greatness, its blessedness; it instructs, consoles, strengthens, excites to faith and piety. Divine services glorify daily the works of goodness, wisdom and infinite power of God: the creation of the visible and invisible world out of nothing by a single will; Providence for peace is unceasing, wise, good, all-powerful; especially the greatest miracle of [the Lord’s] incarnation, living with people on earth, divine teaching and signs, His suffering, death and resurrection for the human race and ascension into heaven; glorifies the culprit of the Incarnation, the Mother of God, in the stichera and canons, as well as the holy Angels and holy saints of God, who proved by their lives and deeds the truth and saving power of the Christian faith. The Church often adds petitions to glorification for all members of the Church, for all needs, physical and spiritual, and thanksgiving for all blessings; he adds doxologies to petitions. November 2. I thank and exalt the Lord for the great help shown to me in the sole, without a deacon, service of the early liturgy in the Assumption Church on this date for the health of the servant of God Alexei Mitrofanovich Bykov and for the life-giving communion of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries. On the future Sunday, November 5 (week 22), the Gospel about [the rich man] and Lazarus [Luke 16:19–31]. By rich we can mean many of us, and by Lazarus all the helpless, poor and sick who ask for our help. We are all guilty of dressing better, more smartly, and thereby taking from the poor what belongs to them from our surpluses; We are all guilty, at least at times, of delicacy and gluttony and sometimes of feasting, often robbing us of a lot of money, which should, out of Christian love, be given to the needs of the poor. We are to blame for the fact that the secret Lazarus lie before our gates, we are to blame for allowing them through our hardness of heart to reach such a pitiful state, and we also do not want to help [them] in such a sad situation. Dogs, dogs are more compassionate to man than man is to man! What is our alms, if not one grain compared to our condition! And we feel sorry for even a grain of it for the poor! November 3. Friday. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the depth of His mercy towards me. This evening I repeatedly fell into anger and rage at the beggars who constantly approached me every time I went out into the street for a walk and prayer; once I hit one lightly on the head, tore another by the hair, another time I screamed in my heart at them, and for this I was each time subjected to the righteous wrath of God, sorrow, and oppression, and death of the heart, but through intense repentance, sincere, deep, imbued with faith and hope, I each time received forgiveness, deliverance and salvation from the Lord, I felt a marvelous transition from death to life, instead of streams of death, living streams of grace God, the breath of the life-giving and comforting Spirit. I admired the wealth of God’s inexhaustible grace, which was so clearly and tangibly poured into my heart. Glory to God's mercy! But I am also amazed at my incurable anger, my pride, my carnality. A certain man was rich, and dressed in purple and fine linen, rejoicing brightly all the days [Luke 16:19]. It is not without reason that these details are mentioned in the life of the rich man: he was unreasonable, ungrateful before God and people, vain, clinging with all his heart to perishable things: to luxury, magnificent clothes and luxurious robes along with his flatterers. Addiction to earthly things, to the world, is enmity against God [James 4:4; Rom.8:7], is the scourge of love for God and neighbor, drives it out of the heart, kills it. It’s a disaster if anyone cleaves to elegant and luxurious clothing and a luxurious meal, as well as money, a rich home environment, and fun: everyone will be his enemy, who will need him and resort to his help; through carnal self-gratification he becomes a self-image, a man without a heart. Be perfect, as your Father in heaven is perfect [Matthew 5:48]. Who fulfilled this commandment of the Lord Jesus Christ perfectly? - Blessed Virgin Mary. Glory to the Lord! Glory to the Most Pure Mother of God. And after Her - the Forerunner of Christ John, the holy apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, reverends. When we get used to pleasing our multi-passionate flesh in everything, then we often become irritated, and sometimes very strong, under all the opposite circumstances, for example, when we encounter an unpleasant smell, unpleasant food or an obstacle on the way, in actions and in general in countless cases of life. But this household idol - one’s flesh must be crucified with its passions and lusts, for it leads our immortal soul into constant sin and separates it from God. November 4. What does daily, daily and annual worship represent to the contemplation of a pious Christian? - God the Creator and Savior of men with His infinite goodness and mercy, with His eternity, with His wisdom and omnipotence, with His unchangeable, eternal truth, with His glorious revelation about the beginning of the world and man, about the image and likeness of God in man, about His primitive perfection and bliss, about His deplorable fall with all the sorrowful consequences, with His promise of the salvation of perishing humanity and about the Savior with His saving leadership of the human race, especially the chosen people, from which the promised seed was to come, with His prophecies and holy prophets; we see the fulfillment and fulfillment of all ancient prophecies: the appearance of God in the flesh, His entire earthly life with people, His teaching, miracles, suffering, death on the cross, burial, resurrection and ascension into heaven, the sending of the Holy Spirit of the Comforter, the Enlightener, the Accomplisher of salvation, the saving Sacraments, the wondrous renewal and sanctification of the apostles, and through them of all believers; We see in the divine service in the stichera, canons, and biographies a wondrous renewal of humanity in the person of other holy martyrs, saints, priests, reverends and all saints, we see in them the bearers of this salvation and renewal and by the grace of God and the prayers of the Most Pure Mother of God and all the saints we ourselves hope through constant service to God and through the Holy Sacraments of our Savior God to achieve perfect sanctification and eternal bliss. This is what, in general terms, represents to us the worship of the Orthodox Church! 4. Evening. I thank the Lord, who strengthened my heart to perform a memorial service with boldness in the apartment of Evgraf Vasilyevich Kozlyaninov, when my heart, due to gluttony, was not ready for open prayer and was unclean, timid and cowardly. I prayed to the Lord in repentance and received what I asked for, and my soul calmed down, and during the all-night vigil in the Duma church I felt in grace and tenderness struck me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sorrow and distress that befell me for my anger and outcry against the beggars who asked for alms for the ship and for boots (supports), and for the grief at home against my wife for not fulfilling my wishes (she did not close the door to my office). I repented, shed tears and received pardon. 7. I saw, Lord, I saw Your Divine salvation during the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church and during the home all-night vigil at the merchant Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov, when I was filled with indignation and anger at the sexton Vladimir M. Zrelov for not arriving at the Assumption Church and replacing myself with the sexton Nikitin: there was extreme tightness, sorrow, embarrassment in me, but when I humbly brought The Lord had inner repentance for my madness, for my reckless anger, then the Lord had mercy on me, gave me peace and unfailing service. I was unjustly angry with the sexton, who in his actions was dependent on his father, the archpriest dean. What shrine, what lordship we have been vouchsafed by the Lord in baptism and then in communion of the Holy Mysteries, and how we value this shrine, lordship! Do we remember that we are members of the Church of Christ, members of Christ, temples of the Holy Spirit? Oh, nobility! Oh, the greatest, unspeakable gift of God! Oh, eternal life! November 8. I made a big mistake yesterday when, at my wife’s suggestion, I ate at eleven o’clock in the afternoon (sprat, soup (borscht), meat), and at three o’clock I sat down to dinner again; because of this, my heart became powerless in the fight against the nasty demonic forces during the all-night vigil and there was a strong yawning and a strong urge to sleep; Even Christ, the True Light, could not pronounce dismissal at the all-night vigil. At Semenov’s all-night vigil, I became angry with sexton Zrelov for not showing up at the Duma church, although later I humbled myself and repented before the Lord secretly and was honored by His mercy. I read the Gospel at Semyonov’s all-night vigil with difficulty due to the demonic action, and then through the grace of Christ I spoke everything that was good. A word from the words: the place where you stand, the ground is holy... take the boots from your feet... [Ex.3:5]. I often stand in the holy place, in the holy of holies - at the throne of the Lord; Everything earthly, all worldly thoughts, addictions must be shaken off from the mental feet of the soul. Let us put aside all worldly concerns 166. Let all human flesh be silent and think of nothing earthly within itself! 167 The loss of an umbrella taken from the Kudryavtsevsky wing in Pesochnaya Street: I gave it in front of everyone to one woman, to whom I also gave the icon. Forward the science is to know well who you are giving to, or to give personally into the hands of the one from whom you took it. Find, O Lord, what is sought, grant that those who seek find it. Let me not be ashamed, having lost it by accident. November 8, after mass. The Lord won a great victory over my invisible enemies, who fiercely tormented me during mass, suppressing me with despondency, shame, fear, and despair. I called on the Lord, strained my strength and broke my enemies many times: at the great entrance, pronouncing all the names, during and after communion of the Holy Mysteries, when the sexton became upset (why didn’t he sing the festive communion: Create angels your spirits) and at the dismissal dinner and prayer service (royal prayer service). A great victory after a hard struggle. The spirit in me was apparently strengthened by the struggle and purified. November 9. Five o'clock in the morning. Last night I was twice overwhelmed and crushed by ethereal enemies: going to the funeral service to the official Timofeev and leaving him, and - oh, endless mercy! Oh, the quick obedience and goodness of my Lord and God! - when I called on His name in sincere repentance with all zeal, I was soon delivered, saved, cleansed, sanctified, pacified, emboldened, enlightened by His grace; and I came to the merchant M.O. Britnev on his name day as a holy man, plausible, bright, peaceful. But on the name day I drank wine that was more than proper - I sinned before God, I laughed, I sang along even while singing a secular song, which, however, had a good content. God! Deliver me from the absurdities of the enemy in thought, in feeling, in word and in deed, from blasphemous, nasty thoughts, from the whims of the enemy and all his guile and deceit. God! You are my life in the midst of death, my space in the midst of distress, my peace in the midst of confusion, my strength in the midst of weakness, boldness in the midst of cowardice, my glory in the midst of shame, my deliverance in adversity, my wealth in the midst of poverty, and the wealth of spiritual wisdom in the midst of feeblemindedness. You are my wonderful Treasure, You are the wonderful stone of life. 10. I thank the Lord, who showed me his great and immediate help at the wedding of Onisifor Shastik and Anna Krayushkina in the Assumption Church and for repeatedly delivering me from the troubles of my heart outside the service. 11. The Gospel on Sunday will be about the Lord casting out a legion of demons from a possessed man [Luke 8:26–39]. And in us there is this legion of demons, or some of the legion, namely: and in us live and operate the demon of delusion, the demon of guile, the demon of covetousness, the demon of lies and deception, all lewd uncleanness, the spirit of hostility and malice and envy, the spirit of lust and various whims, gluttony, the spirit of idleness and laziness, the spirit of vanity, vanity, the spirit of blasphemy, curses, foul language and any absurdity in thoughts, feelings, words and deeds, the spirit of condemnation, ill-will and malice towards others, the spirit of hard-heartedness, love of money and stinginess, the spirit of fear and cowardice, the spirit of despair, the spirit of laughter, the spirit of absent-mindedness and frivolity, the spirit of disobedience and willfulness, the spirit of violence and sedition, the spirit of drunkenness, the spirit of unbelief and doubt, the spirit of malicious thoughts and slander against neighbors, a spirit of suspiciousness and suspicion. If we look carefully and impartially at our soul, at its thoughts, passions, weaknesses, habits, in general at the entire course of our internal and external life, then we will all find that many demons live and act in us, and we have all and in every possible way become a worker, or a working church of demons, according to the expression of one holy father. A spirit of aversion from prayer and the praise of God, and in general from divine services, from spiritual reading and, on the contrary, a spirit of addiction to reading vain, empty, useless books that feed only vain curiosity and passion. Worship in its spirit and composition is a sacrifice of love, praise and thanksgiving to the Lord. Try to always turn it into a sacrifice of love for God and your neighbors, wish everyone salvation and all goodness as much as you wish for yourself, and pray for everyone and for everyone as for yourself, fervently and deeply. Wonderful spirit of worship of our Church! It gives wide and high flight to Christian souls. 11. Insincerely, coldly, with a split heart, sometimes in confusion and crampedness we pray at memorial services and at the liturgy itself, and all because of worldly addictions, because of addictions to the flesh, to money, to various things of this world and because worldly addiction, pride, our malice have eradicated from our hearts the love of God, love for our neighbors and have placed in our hearts an idol called I, or everything for my flesh, for voluptuousness and nothing for the immortal soul. So sin, or carnal pride and worldly addiction, have distorted everything in us, turned everything upside down, inside out. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from death of the heart through my prayer of repentance, especially at the memorial service (or before it in Prokofiev’s house). Glory to Thy truth and holiness, O Lord, glory to Thy holy zeal for us, as You jealously correct us, not allowing sins and vices to reign in us. 12. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the good grace of His all-night vigil and early mass and to say the word He has given me, and to partake of the Holy Mysteries without condemnation, although with an internal struggle from adversaries. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me in the apartment of the widow Frederika Khristoforovna Ivanova, who delivered me from cramped conditions and granted me the gift of boldly performing a prayer service. I thank the Lord, who granted me victory in a great and difficult struggle on the occasion of the arrival of a governess for her children with my sister-in-law Anna K. Let it be so - let him live with me: the peace of God is not intended for me alone. But, O Lord, humble my sister-in-law and entrust work and labor to her, so that she does not live so many days without work, feeding on my meal (and more than Yours) tuna. 13. I thank the Lord for the heavenly, life-giving gift - my serving of the liturgy and communion of the Holy, most pure, life-giving Mysteries. Due to the significant amount of white grape wine I drank last night, and drinking red wine today after communion, I felt heavy today, in the evening from three o’clock I had a severe headache, and after apples and evening tea at seven o’clock the pain subsided, very weak, small. I thank the Lord for healing. The pain was due to the fact that the action of the wine had firmly fixed the stomach and the wine was hitting the nerves. November 14. On the night of November 13th-14th I had a severe headache (shooting and pain); I couldn’t find a place and walked and squatted, holding my head from unbearable pain with both hands; then he went outside into the yard and walked vigorously for an hour; there was a urge to vomit, but there was no vomiting; in the chest there is longing, a burning sensation, a feeling of something unnecessary, harmful. After the walk I felt a little weaker on the bottom, felt better, fell asleep; I didn’t sleep very peacefully; when I woke up, I felt a pain in my head, although less so. I thought that my head hurt because of heavy snow or hail or rain, and I was not deceived: in the morning I looked out the window - and a lot of snow fell, everything turned white. November 14. Eight o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who stopped the serious illness of my head this morning, especially during the service of Matins and finally during the Liturgy. I thank the Lord for the good service of the liturgy and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries of His Body and Blood. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the fierce temptation of the devil over my grief and anger at one poor, burnt woman to whom I gave thirty-five kopecks, but who remained dissatisfied and waited for me for another hour at the church house and, when I left, asked me for more, and I angrily added her five kopecks. I am hard-hearted, carnal, lustful, money-loving, stingy, proud, greedy, envious, proud, arrogant, angry, impatient, lazy, careless, vain. But when will I improve? Consciousness of sins alone is not enough to please God and save the soul. 15. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance at ten o’clock in the evening, when I was angry with the poor young people who often came to me for alms and asked after giving them; when I repented with all my soul, the Lord delivered me from confusion, fire and oppression and gave me peace, freedom, and spiritual dew. 16. When you see a brother sinning, pray for him, may the Lord enlighten his heart's eyes, may he, brother, see the destruction and absurdity of his sin and the beauty and glory, the benefit of virtue, may the Lord give him the strength to overcome sin and may he be corrected by the grace of Christ. All our sins come from blindness of heart and weakness of will. But to be angry, to be embittered at the sinner, to condemn him, to laugh at him is madness. We all sin greatly, according to the Apostle [James 3:2] and as daily experience testifies. 17. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivered me from the anger that arose in me against my [family] in the morning (Anna Konstantinovna, my sister-in-law, was here), when I looked up to the Lord in repentance, sitting over morning tea, which I did not need to drink in the morning. Then, when I went to see Captain Mikhail Maksimov in Pesochnaya Street. Send Nikolai Shlyapnikov to Doctor Dobrokhotov. Give his mother twenty rubles. Bless them, Lord! But I give alms to you, so that your fools may not know what your right hand is doing [Matthew 6:3]. Shuytsa means the old man within us. The shuytsa knows what the right hand does when I give alms without faith, stingily, reluctantly, with anger and displeasure, or with contempt, or with vanity, or when I think that I greatly benefit those who receive it with alms, and do not myself accept the favor from them, when I think that I am giving my own, and not God’s, when I am giving not diligently, but with negligence, when I do not count almsgiving as a sacred and inalienable duty. Thus, almost every time I do alms not as I should, as the Lord wants, every time my servant knows what my right hand is doing; all my truth is like rub 168 defeated by the unclean wife. Alas for me, a sinner who does the work of God with negligence, without faith, without zeal, reluctantly, with reproach, with reproach, stingily, with envy of the recipient, with disrespect for the persons receiving, not realizing that they are members of Christ and my members. While serving the all-night vigil with Madam Admiral Boyle (yesterday, the 16th) and her children, for some reason I felt embarrassed and afraid, especially when facing those present at prayer (while reading the Gospel). Everything must be in God and, as it were, not see what is coming. 18th in the evening. Today, on my way to the church, I sinned gravely, becoming angry with the beggars who had gathered in large numbers towards the church fence, that is, towards me, and although I gave to everyone, I shouted at them loudly, almost gnashing my teeth! This is crazy! This is ingratitude before God! In twenty minutes I thanked the Lord (as did my wife and me) for the mug - twenty-one rubles a week, but when I had to actually show a grateful heart - I forgot gratitude and appeared extremely ungrateful, regretting giving a small amount (one ruble) to the poor, from whom the Lord Himself accepts alms. Oh, how many contradictions there are in a person almost at the same time! And gratitude - and ingratitude! I severely wounded my soul with anger, I was embarrassed, inflamed by Gehenna, and fell into oppression and shame. But the Lord mercifully and quickly accepted my repentance and granted me forgiveness and peace. The multitude of my iniquities did not overcome His mercy. I notice that the more I break my fast and abstinence, the more furious, rude, and hard-hearted I become, and today I broke my fast, and yesterday too, by eating quick soup and milk. During the all-night vigil, a strange and unfortunate phenomenon happened to me: a cough and hiccups, which deprived me of my voice; firstly, I think, from bad weather, secondly, from satiety, thirdly, from mixing lean food - fish in vegetable oil with fast food, fast soup and milk, and fourthly, from the devil’s dirty tricks. My situation was difficult. There are so many people in the church that I can hardly serve. 19. Resurrection. Like a hurricane, yesterday (when I was walking to Vespers) a strong, very strong anger came upon me against the beggars, whom I did not expect to meet in large numbers a second or third time; I burst into abuse at them in great annoyance and deeply wounded my sinful soul and angered the Lord, grieved His humane womb and saddened the Holy Spirit living in us, and all because of carnality, voluptuousness and love of money! Oh, how sinful flesh hinders the love of God and the fulfillment of God’s commandments: truly, I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that is in my members [Rom. 7:23]. Apparently, through deep repentance I did not get rid of this sin (anger) before the all-night vigil, and therefore during it the enemy turned me around, confused me, oppressed me, put me to shame, deprived me of my voice, made me cough and hiccup. He served mass in cramped conditions, sorrow and weakness, however, he also saw God’s deliverance; at the great entrance, I did not pronounce the names of the royal family due to embarrassment from the enemy; received life-giving communion. I thank the Lord, who revived me, killed by sin. My alms do not have the character of warmth, compassion, respect and love for the persons asking, meekness, humility, kindness, zeal, but on the contrary, it is often given with displeasure, annoyance and indignation, with rage, stingily, reluctantly. Shuitsa defeats the right hand. God! Correct the work of my hands. The German pastor pretends that he is giving away his own, and therefore he pushes away the Orthodox, and rewards the Germans generously: I have a lot of my own, he says, and you, Russians, go to your own, Russian priests. What about the tsar’s money?.. And the fees from the Russians? 20. After Matins. The Lord had mercy on me twice with the greatest mercy: once in church after Matins, when I, angry with the watchman Procopius for not serving a plate after the prayer service and having received great embarrassment and heartache, repented from my soul at the throne of God and received heavenly dew into my soul, peace, forgiveness, deliverance, freedom; and another time, when, on his way home, he became angry with the beggars who had gathered to beg for alms, young people living without work, and when he repented at home with tears, he again received the mercy of peace, forgiveness, deliverance, revival, renewal, spiritual restoration. Glory to the abyss of the bounties of my Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, He is for me and for everyone every day the God of mercy, generosity and love for mankind. During the service of Denisova’s memorial service, the Lord solemnly helped me when the enemy wanted and tried to tear the words of prayer out of my heart and lips. 20. I thank the Lord, who mercifully saved me from the fatal prodigal poison that was communicated to my soul from looking at a prominent, beautiful, noble woman who greeted me kindly when I was walking home from the gymnasium. The Lord wrought a miraculous salvation, obvious in me, and allowed me to triumph over unrighteousness. I visited Mrs. Schauman and prayed for her, who was sick, together with her husband and children. She had faith and hope that the Lord would give her health for His name’s sake. 21. The name of the Holy Trinity is often and very often used in the Church because it is sweet and worthy for her; she desires that her children also glorify the Holy Trinity and breathe Her life-giving and ever-glorious name. Evil spirits and evil people perish themselves, and may the infinite truth of God appear on them, otherwise on what basis would it be revealed? And may the greatest gift of God appear - the freedom of rational beings, their love and merits, their gratitude, their good deeds before the immeasurably good Creator, and God, and Savior. A true believer knows no other fear than the fear of God, and let me not know any other fear (demonic or human). 21. Late in the evening. The grace of God made me many times victorious over the invisible enemies who confused, oppressed and chilled me during Matins and early mass; she performed great miracles of God’s power and mercy in me and miraculously revived me and helped me; I saw how she revived me, deadened by sin, especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries. He said his brief word. 22. Every gluttony, carnal pleasure, man-pleasing, every worldly addiction turns a person away from the love of God, extinguishes in him the love for God and neighbor, and at the same time spiritual life, expels from the heart the peace of God, the true freedom of the Spirit, the space and breadth of the heart, the light of the soul, boldness and makes a person earthly instead of heavenly, a low slave of people and earthly things. Meanwhile, we are all gluttons, carnivores, people-pleasers. Don’t we notice in ourselves at every hour a cooling towards God, towards His holy commandments, towards true virtue: love, mercy, meekness, humility, kindness, patience, purity and chastity, obedience and other virtues? Have we not become carried away by food and drink, by the love of money, ambition, vanity, vanity and the general emptiness of life, by the pursuit of pleasures, by women, by clothes, by luxury, by games, by profit? Has the life of Christians been crushed to the extreme? O you who chase after women! Don’t you notice that faith and love for God and holy love for your neighbor have completely extinguished in your heart, and instead of it there is an idol and a vile idol of voluptuousness in your heart? Are you seduced by corruptible beauty and have you forgotten about the infinite, incorruptible, most holy beauty of God and the beauty of the human soul, created in the image and likeness of God? You, chasing after food and drinks, have you forgotten about the endless sweetness of God, about the sweetness of a spiritual, virtuous, imperishable sweetness of a future endless life, having loved temporary, momentary, feigned sweetness? Have you, ambitious person, forgotten about honor in Christ, about the honor of a heavenly calling, about the honor of being a son to God, being a joint heir with Christ, and are you chasing after vain honors and rewards? All of you, all of us, are on the wrong path. We will look for the one thing we need. 22. Evening. During mass, I felt dead because of my sins and because of drinking wine (five glasses of strong sherry from Peter K. Nesvitsky) and eating in the evening; I struggled with sin, sighed, cried, but after communion of the Holy Mysteries, what grace and life shone in me, what peace - and I cannot say, so great is the goodness of the Lord Jesus Christ! My head ached until the night after eating the officer’s pie and drinking two glasses of sherry. There is no need to drink wine after communion - it is harmful. Rogom 169 [after] is not good, or you should use it very little. Before Vespers in church and during Vespers, the Lord again appeared to me as a quick-to-hear and saving physician to my sinful soul, which had sinned through anger at the poor and greed. He repented, fell with contrition and faith to the holy throne - and was pardoned! Oh bounties! Oh, God's truth! 24. Yesterday, during a late mass, with my inner weakness and nervous irritability, an ethereal enemy attacked me in hostility and envy of the sexton Zrelov and his brainchild Sasha, whom my sister-in-law brought to communion, and barely, only with deep repentance with the help of God could I break this hostility and envy, which was killing and destroying my soul. After the victory, I felt great boldness before everyone in serving to the end. I thank the Lord, who miraculously changed the heart of the German pastor E.I. through my prayer. The boss, with whom I parted ways after big words in anger and displeasure, just as he parted ways in anger with me because of some misunderstanding on the committee. I thank the Lord, our peacemaker, who acts in all according to the greatness of His creative and providential power. I was at Al’s name day. Vasilyevich Murashev, had lunch. I thank the Lord for the lunch of selected foods and drinks, I used everything in moderation for the glory of God. On November 23, during Matins, I read the canon to Saint Alexander Nevsky solemnly, enthusiastically, but when I stumbled from demonic fear while reading the prayer to Christ, the True Light, I was extremely wounded by my ethereal enemies and struggled for a whole hour, getting rid of their remorse at the throne of God. 24. He served the early Liturgy well by the grace of God, as he did at Matins, without stumbling with tongue and heart; received life-giving communion, for joy and great deliverance. In the gymnasium, when he carelessly looked at a seductive picture (in an advertisement [sent] to the teacher Voznesensky), he received a fatal ulcer in his soul, which the Lord soon healed for his whole-hearted repentance. Glory to the Lord! 25. And today, instead of the late one, he served the early one without stumbling, by the grace of God, and gave communion to others and himself received life-giving communion. At the beginning of Matins, he was subjected to great sorrow and distress because of his severity towards the poor, but for his sincere repentance the Lord forgave, granting peace. During the day, the Lord also delivered me more than once from the absurdities and dirty tricks of the enemy. Glory to the gracious Lord! 26. By God’s grace and assistance, I overcame great adversity today during the all-night vigil and early mass in the Assumption Church and performed both services without stumbling, in a beautiful voice. Arriving at the cathedral for late mass, I was extremely tempted by the careless, hasty singing of the choristers, at the behest of Archpriest Paul; seethed with indignation and sinned before God by disliking the abbot who performed the liturgy. But he also prayed to God to do what was right and not to hesitate 170, not to get angry, not to be furious with the sinning brother and superior. He realized his pride, humbled himself, condemned himself for the feeling of hostility, and suddenly the Lord had mercy, giving peace. At home, he became extremely angry with his family because dinner was not ready at half past one, but then he repented, condemned himself and received peace. Ten o'clock in the evening. Now the action of God’s mercy has taken place in me: the Lord forgave me the sin of grieving the poor and reproaching them (prostitutes), when I, oppressed by fire and cramped conditions, turned to the Lord with a prayer for deliverance and help, in sincere, deep, reasonable repentance. I thank and praise the Lord. 27. Little faith! Give to the poor, sparing no expense, for as you give it away, God will fill your hands with it, and you will never become poor. Faithful is He who promised: I will not leave you, nor will I leave you, nor will I leave you or forsake you [Heb. 13:5]. Evening. The Lord showed in me great miracles of salvation and revival: firstly, before the early mass in Duma, the Lord took away from my heart the enmity against the sexton Zrelov, and with it spiritual death and gave love, peace, freedom; secondly, during mass, he broke and destroyed in me the passion of greed for the prosphyra, which were very small, and the hostility and envy of the prosphyra maker, who collected excessively large incomes from the prosphyra. Amazing greed, earth-boundness! I myself was full - and I was hungry for large prosphoras, which I don’t eat. This is how the devil mocks through us the service of the heavenly, spiritual, Divine, immortal, I mean the Divine Liturgy. There is no need to think about anything earthly at such a time, but I become all earth, all addiction, darkness. November 30. Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called. The Lord has mercy, and He has much deliverance [Ps. 129:6] for all who resort to Him in unfeigned repentance and with undoubted faith and hope; and today, during Matins, the Lord sent me much deliverance, great and speedy. I was bound by the enemy yesterday because of my gluttony, breaking the fast, satiety, and this morning I added another sin to these sins - hard-heartedness towards the poor and anger towards them (especially one young [...] standing at the church door), although I gave them what they needed; and for this hard-heartedness and bitterness, for my carnality and love of money, I fell into spiritual death, into sorrow, oppression, shame, cowardice, disappearance (my spirit disappears). But in heartfelt repentance, with great, bold, and undoubted faith and hope, I fell several times to the throne of mercy and judgment, as to the Lord Himself (for He will indeed sit invisibly on His holy throne, as I have experienced many times), and suddenly the mortal bonds were broken, silence, peace, tranquility, freedom, boldness, strength, dignity, tenderness settled in my soul, some sacred importance, and I calmly and with dignity took the place of the rector in the service - I read the prayers warmly, calmly, loudly, without skipping (I just missed a word and consecrated at the blessing of the loaves); I read the canon to the Mother of God and the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called with great boldness and zeal; the sexton, who was in a hurry at the urging of priest Klepachevsky and deacon Poletaev, was stopped from rushing into singing and starting to sing. Living water in the heart. Glory to the most merciful, gracious and providential Lord! By His grace I have risen from the dead today, truly risen! Hymns at the Liturgy of St. Basil the Great on Holy Saturday. Rub (Church Slavic) – rag, rags. See: prayer 5 from following the Sacrament of Anointing. Brand of French Cahors. Retitisya (Church Glav.) - to get excited, to become inflamed, to be brave; to take on something ardently and boldly.