Май 1878 года

May 1st. Grant, Lord, Your summer is pleasant. Amen. I thank my Lord with all my heart, who performed in me yesterday two glorious miracles of His mercy and His ineffable power: He twice delivered me, a great sinner, from hellish, heavy, mortal bonds, in which I was kept for quite a long time by my sins: firstly, on the ship “Nadezhda” before the prayer service, which by the grace of God was performed smoothly, heartily, unfailingly; secondly, in the church of the Technical School before the marriage of [Tokmyachev] (Mikhail) and Two-Eyes (Pelagia) and during the marriage itself, when the enemy interrupted me while reading the Gospel (at the end) and then kicked me to the end, and at the dismissal, I stopped, but at the prayer service, calling on the Lord, I stood up and said dismissal. For three hours before marriage, I was tormented by the devil’s fear and suspiciousness, the doubt that I would not marry well, that the enemy would prevail, but the Lord did not hand me over to his teeth, to his will, but sovereignly delivered me when I cried out for help from the depths of my soul. I married loudly, solemnly, separately. Glory to the Lord! May I never despair, may I never be put to shame, trusting in the Lord, even if all the powers of hell rush towards me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me today during Matins from the anger of the enemy, which the enemy aroused in my heart against the abbot for his lack of sympathy for the cause of caring for the poor and his deadening indifference to poverty, given his four thousandth free allowance, which comes easily, easily with little work, with absolute frugality of himself (he will not lift a finger beyond his direct, urgent duty), as once the scribes and Pharisees and elders Jewish with high priests. Why did the Lord have mercy on me today in church and take away the tightness and sorrow from my heart? For my sincere consciousness that I myself was to blame yesterday, having been too hasty with my word at the end of the royal prayer service, hastening without even notifying the abbot at the time. The floor was necessary on the occasion of a general meeting of parishioners to read the annual report of the guardianship of the poor. Grant, Lord, that I always sincerely blame and condemn myself and excuse the abbot and the brethren, and all my neighbors. Grant me victory over evil in me in every form. Grant me to love my enemies, bless those who curse me, do good to those who hate me, and pray sincerely for my enemies [Matthew 5:44]. Grant me to correctly solve the great task of life - to defeat evil with good. May 2. I thank the Lord, who, through my prayer, bestowed His grace on both me and the rector, with whom I had a small clash and significant displeasure (accidentally pushing the cross in my hands due to haste). He again became kind and gentle towards me, although I, the accursed one, suspected him of malice towards me, being instigated by an incorporeal enemy. How many times yesterday (during the service) the enemy slandered the abbot, inspired me to see in him anger towards me and aroused acute anger in me, but I understood his intrigues, condemned myself for allowing him to sow the weeds of evil in my heart; I repented to the Lord, and He, abundantly merciful and quick to obey, delivered me, giving me peace every time. When counting church money, when Father Peter Klepachevsky was not there, the enemy also produced in me a sharp anger towards him for evading the count and for generally neglecting the affairs of the service; but again I recognized the action of the spirit of malice and tormented me because of displeasure against my brother - I repented to the Lord, fell down many times before the throne of the Lord, and finally was again pardoned and pacified. Glory to the Lord, who always saves! I was at the cemetery with Father Nikolai and heard bad news from my mother about Father Pyotr Klepachevsky, who played fools at the graves during the service of lithium in the rainbow. The priest's bad deeds put a stain on us all. God! Give him some sense and fix him! But I am more sinful than he, and correct and save me, Lord! When will one good principle operate in me and the evil will completely cease to act to the harm of my soul and body and to the harm of others? When will I treat those who sin with meekness, condescension, patience, and calmness? [...] hours after midnight. I thank the Lord for saving me from heart weakness at the prayer service of Marya Arsenyevna Lebedeva, which befell me for the fascination of my heart with the shine of the golden cross. I immediately came to my senses, became sober from my infatuation, repented, asked forgiveness from the Lord and the Mother of God and received salvation and peace, and then served a prayer service with great boldness. God bless! Grant to me, Lord, to perform righteousness and holiness always, forever and ever, and to hate with all my soul the most absurd, all-destructive, all-flattering sin in all its forms. Amen. Wake up! Wake up! May 4. I curse my intemperance, my celiac orgy at night, when I eat and drink wine or beer at night and burden myself, making myself the trouble of taking a long walk and thus abandoning reading the word of God and the writings of the holy fathers or composing my own sermons and writings on the science of worship. Have mercy on me, my God, Lord! Don’t eat pickled herrings – it’s bad for a scrofulous person like me. Yesterday I ate at Klepachevsky's - today it turned out to be harmful: my eyes are cloudy and unclean. In general, Father Pyotr Klepachevsky is a kind man, reasonable, conscientious. Yesterday I drank almost nothing (wine, that is). Father Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky, rector, has changed for the better, become more pious, thank God! Father Alexander Taratin, a humble servant of God, although an old man. 5. Cursed be voluptuousness and gluttony with gluttony! Oh, how much I suffer because of him! Away with it! Let me work for the Lord alone! The belly is waste, and the belly is waste: God will abolish both this and this [1.6:13]. What's more convincing? The womb and the trash are for a while, not forever, why do we treat them as if they will always be with us, forever? 6. Yesterday I fell into a rather acute temptation due to the absence of Nikolai Al. Matsygina is serving at the christening. outbuilding sixth to retired; We waited for him for about an hour, and finally he appeared with his wife Feoktista Mikhailovna and their children. I imagined (I, the unkind one) that due to his arrogance he did not come for a long time - this is how our hearts are evil, inventing false reasons for actions, not real ones, condemning, and not justifying our neighbor (this is due to the action of the spirit of malice), and therefore I was indignant and angry with him, was restless, embarrassed, in cramped conditions and prayers he spoke restlessly, in cramped conditions, with strong tension in his voice. But later, having learned the real reason for the slowdown, I repented of my impatience, anger and false thoughts about him; he asked for forgiveness after my remark, and I asked him, and they made peace and calmed down. In the future, we must in our thoughts excuse and justify a person who is slowing down or has not improved in some way, and not condemn, and in any case, keep in our hearts love, humility, patience, kindness, calmness and equanimity of the soul. The enemy always slanderes our neighbors in order to deprive us of love and peace, throws deceit and evil suspicion into our hearts - we must always get rid of them. Why do we constantly and duly praise, at the voice and prompting of the Church, the Immaculate Lady Theotokos with dozens of songs and prayers? In order to at least partially give glory to Her greatness, holiness, truth, amazing purity, humility, love for God and for us, unworthy, Her constant intercession for us; in order to know and remember those infinitely great benefits that the Lord poured out through Her [on] the human race, and finally, in order to always contrast the blasphemous spirit, slandering everything that is holy and dear to God, with fair praise and heartfelt thanksgiving to God and the Mother of God, our ever-present and zealous Intercessor before God. Woe to those who do not praise God and the Mother of God according to their heritage with all their hearts: the spirit of blasphemy, the spirit of malice, the spirit of slander against everything holy nests in them. So, always praise the name of the Lord, praise the name of the Mother of God, for this is worthy and righteous. God will glorify those who glorify [1.2:30]. Will the Lord not spare those who constantly try to please Him, glorify Him, thank Him, and call on His holy name? Does a good father leave his faithful children in danger and trouble? Never. Will the Lord leave us if we are faithful to Him, hope in Him and love Him? Surely he won’t leave. Will a woman forget food in her youth, lest she have mercy on the offspring of her womb? Even if the woman forgets these, I will not forget you, says the Lord [Isa.49:15]. You will then be worthy of your new reward when you are indifferent to it, impartial, when you are not at all vain about it. All the glory of man, like the flower of grass [Isaiah 40:6], fades and passes away. Seek eternal glory, in heaven, in God, through good deeds on earth. May 6. I thank the Lord with all my heart, who performed a miracle of salvation on me three times: first, during Saturday Vespers (today), when I was enveloped in a storm of hostility for wrongdoing, the abbot treated me hostilely and, having repented, received from the Lord great mercy and peace of mind; secondly, during the all-night vigil, when captivated by invisible enemies in prayer for my satiety (while pronouncing Christ, the true Light), I fell with great faith and hope after the all-night vigil to the throne and received deliverance, mercy, peace, freedom and spaciousness in my soul, and thirdly, at home at ten o’clock in the evening, when I, remembering the removal of the abbot from the spirit of love for the brethren, and again myself developed [animosity] towards him and was greatly embarrassed and fell into distress, and having repented, condemning himself for his lack of love and hostility, he received mercy and peace. I praise and extol the Lord, who has mercy on me and delivers me from my passions and my distress. I thank the Lord, who gave me, cold and insensitive, tenderness during the all-night vigil and at home, when reading the canon and akathist to the Lord. May 7. Morning. I suffered a lot at night because of the prosphyra I ate late in the evening; when I soon went to bed without taking a walk after eating, I felt heavy, and from the burden I woke up and was unable to sleep. He got up, got dressed and walked and ran for a long, long time, making different evolutions around the room; When I went to bed after that, I slept well. By morning I saw snakes crawling out of some plants I had collected and placed in paper, and one was licking its tongue, while the other crawled away. This is the image of my unsatiated womb, in which invisible snakes nest, enjoying the abdominal victims - sweets and drinks. You gluttons, stop playing with the pleasures of the belly: an invisible enemy alienates you from God through them, you yourself should notice this in the spirit of alienation from God, from the Church, from prayer, from the thought of God. Everything in this world is a passing shadow and partly an image of future blessings: for example, light is an image, the shadow of a future non-evening light, local sweets are an image of future eternal pleasure (or future sweets). Strive for the primitive, the eternal, despising the temporary, the disappearing. May 7. Nine o'clock in the morning. I thank You, Lord, who solemnly delivered me by Your grace from the deadening spirit of hostility towards the abbot at the memory of his hostility, contempt, untruth towards me and towards the brethren (pride). I cursed hostility as a fiend of the devil, I sincerely prayed to the Lord to give me the grace to always stand at the height of Christian humility and kindness, to have love for everyone, and for my enemies. The Lord immediately gave me life and peace. Glory to the Lord! Now there is no hostility in me towards the abbot, and let there never be! Amen. I thank the Lord for his help during the prayer service with Anna Ivanovna Sidorova at the stock exchange. I will remember and glorify the greatest mercy of God shown to me in the apartment of Stepan Ignatievich Valikov outside the city; Before going to see him, I was very angry with his cab driver for driving around the city looking for me and for delaying me with the sexton; from this anger I died in spirit, fire and cramped conditions, together with confusion of spirit, depressed me; I was bitter, I languished all the way, repented, cried; In Valikov’s apartment, before the prayer service, he repented sincerely and deeply, asking the Lord for forgiveness. And forgiveness, peace, freedom, boldness came to me, I served a prayer service well. Only during the prayer service did the evil one again fatally and suddenly, like lightning, strike in the heart through envy of those wonderful people who spread short biographies of saints among the Russian people (why not me, but they) and what they profit from (oh, pride, love of money, ill will). I was tormented by this dirty trick, I was sick for a long time both while traveling and being in the church, during the entrance, proskomedia and liturgy of the catechumens; he went to the chapel, fell to the throne, asking in repentance for mercy - and glory to God! The Lord accepted repentance and granted peace. He received Holy Communion life-giving, although under strong temptations; the sermon of St. John Chrysostom was said smartly; not all vacation. At the great entrance there is the entire royal family; After the meeting, the Holy Synod did not remember the Metropolitan at all, without uttering the usual words. Either me to the prayer service, or none of our fathers. This happens quite often with many who ask for our prayer. It is obvious that I provide the brethren of the cathedral with a lot of extraordinary income and do not take it for myself. But I have the right to give some of it to the poor. Freely you have received, freely give [Matthew 10:8]. It would be extremely unfair to blame everything on the abbot, who does very little and boasts a lot, and another priest, who also practices little and sleeps more. I sinned - I could not bear to express my displeasure at my wife for not helping me in mending my clothes, so that I often have to mend them myself. Because of the expression of displeasure, a new trouble arose: she was offended and began to reproach me that I was serving everyone, but I didn’t want to go to the Bourgeois Council for a passport. Forgive her, God, and forgive me my impatience, my hostility, my murmuring. May 8. Three and a half hours in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who showed me immeasurable mercy in delivering me from mortal sorrow and cramped conditions that began at home, from my careless, bitter word to my wife, with which she was offended and spoke reproachfully to me, and which lasted a whole hour, during my walk to the wall of the Merchant and in the church at the beginning of mass. The Lord had mercy on me completely after the Liturgy of the Catechumens. He served Mass well and without stumbling. Yes, the Lord heard my deep prayer for me and my wife and granted peace. I thank the Lord for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. But I soon offended the Lord with gluttony at the birthday boy, the gymnasium teacher Ivan Nikiforovich Rumov. Sorrow softens, purifies the heart, strengthens it in faith and virtue and brings it closer to God; the passions and addictions of life harden and defile, removing us from God. Love God, the Holy Spirit with His Father and His Son, as the breath of your soul, as the life of holiness, your truth, light and wisdom, your strength, as the treasure of every good. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance from the devil’s confusion and oppression, which depressed me for my evil suspiciousness, for the gift of peace, freedom, boldness, spiritual strength and for the stumbling-free, loud, joyful service of the all-night vigil in the cathedral on the day of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker. Great is Your name, O Lord, and Your mercy. I attribute such grace to communion of the Holy Mysteries, a moderate lunch (one piece of pie for the birthday boy, and at home - borscht and six spoons of yogurt with sour cream, and then tea with cream). [Jesus] is the One... Who healed me [John 5:11]. Write a big sermon on this text. May 9. Yesterday, after the all-night vigil at Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov’s, I ate sardines, a little salmon, caviar and cheese, and I felt a little heavy; I had to take a long walk; I didn't spend the night very well. You shouldn't eat at night, you shouldn't. Sardines, salmon and caviar make your mouth feel like tar and strengthen your stomach, but your heart is hardened and has difficulty praying, there is all sorts of impurity in it. And how blessed it was yesterday after the blessed all-night vigil! How evil is intemperance! How good is abstinence! God! Restore in me a pure heart and renew a right spirit in my womb [Ps. 50:2]. In the evening at eleven o'clock. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the grave, tormenting sorrow and distress that befell me for my anger at the poor Anna the soldier for what I thought was an untimely request for alms, when, after much labor, I hastily came to church to serve the Liturgy. The disembodied enemy caught me in this hostile feeling, entered into me and tormented me to his heart's content, amused myself with my sorrows and sufferings, my hedgehogging and twitching, for this happened to me for a long time during mass until the final litany, and then again confused and oppressed me because of my white sacristan, made with mixed (mine and the parishioners) money, so that I cramped and confused, he entered the great entrance, but then, as the cramped conditions and shame increased, by God’s grace he overcame the enemy and uttered all the cries loudly and clearly. The victory was complete until the end of all services. The Lord’s deeds in me were marvelous, personally and palpably. Glory to the Lord who conquers hell in me! The fight against the enemies was stubborn, but the power of God, the power of Christ, was all the more obvious in me. (First remember, Lord... defeated the adversary and was on vacation.) May 10. I sinned before the Lord by yesterday, before the sexton Nikitin Adrian, condemning the rector of his father, Pavel Trachevsky, for greed, hoarding and miserliness, and thereby humiliating his honor (humiliating him), and, as it were, praising himself for selflessness (although I am far, far from selfless) and for compassion and mercy (although I am far from merciful and often hard-hearted and stingy). I sinned in this, violating the Lord’s commandment about love, which commands us to cover the sins of our neighbors, and not to reveal and reveal them. Have mercy on me, Lord! Oh, how every sin has entered into my very bones, into my flesh and blood, and acts in me in many different ways and kills unnoticed and with some pleasure, forcing me to do things contrary to the commandments. I am a damned man! But grant me to sincerely love my neighbor and be kind to him, no matter who he is, especially if he is in charge over me. On the night of May 10 (Midnight), adultery occurred in a dream through the action of the devil: the devil turned into a sick woman (she had a severe headache), aroused compassion for himself; I leaned towards her, then stroked her head and so on. Oh, inventor of all the devil's wickedness, deceit, all uncleanness, all corruption! Away from the name of my Lord Jesus Christ! It is to Him alone that I have sinned, and to Him I repent. This sin happened through my fault because of yesterday’s gluttony and my satiety (first at the old woman Ekaterina Stepanovna’s, and then at the birthday boy Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov) and then at Kromido Elena Nikitishna, and at Arkhip Kononov after the all-night vigil. In this I sinned greatly before the Lord, whose church was animated by the celebration of the liturgy and the communion of the Divine Mysteries. Oh, in how many forms Satan and his minions transform themselves into! How he tormented me yesterday during mass with various false ideas! 10. Before mass at nine o'clock. I thank the Lord for the new and glorious victory of His grace in me over the evil that arose in me and tormented me regarding Fathers Paul and Peter during Matins, which I performed today. There was an evil suspicion towards them, which irritated and confused me, which was crushed by grace, healed, driven away... Glory to the Lord! After mass, three o'clock. I thank the God of my salvation, who delivered me from the fierce wiles of the enemy, who tormented and tormented me throughout my life. I had evil thoughts and feelings (reluctantly) against the rector, especially when he came to church during mass; I fought against them with all my might and the grace of God, and through the communion of the Holy Mysteries I overcame the fierce enemy! The archpriest turned out to be kind, meek, and affectionate; Father Pyotr Klepachevsky, against whom the enemy also armed himself, turned out to be very kind as well. He performed the All-Night Vigil by the grace of God peacefully, in the zeal of God, without stumbling. The disembodied enemy does not use what, what hellish machinations in order to overthrow and destroy in our hearts the love for God and neighbor! But the main thing is that he chooses as an instrument for this our pride, worldly addictions, our passions: pride, arrogance, envy, stinginess and love of money, voluptuousness, luxury, ambition or love of fame! And easily, damned one, he achieves the fulfillment of his intention! How few people ardently love God and their neighbors! Sinners have alienated themselves from God, from their wombs, from their mother’s womb, these wild berries in a wild field! And there are also some secular people who preach that children should not be taught prayers and occupied with stories from sacred history until they are sixteen years old! Then everything will be a wild field, overgrown with thorns and thistles! Oh people! People! Therefore, it is the duty of priests to constantly kindle in themselves love for God and neighbors, as members of a single body - the Church of Christ (and not even members of the Church, since all the brethren are according to the first Adam and especially according to the last Adam), and in others, for without having love in oneself, it is impossible to kindle it in others; for this excitement, use all sorts of plausible occasions and cases that stand out from the ordinary in public or family life, for example, marriages, funerals, victories over the enemies of the Church and the fatherland, the construction of charitable institutions, etc. Evening. Eleven and a half hours. I thank the Lord for serving the liturgy without stumbling, in grace (in the beginning in weakness and sickness), and for defeating all the machinations of the enemy, and for the fiery, hopeful prayer before the Holy Lamb for the victory of Russia over the Turks and the British; my prayer was filled with boldness and hope, as if everything is possible with the Lord. Maria Ivanovna's (Trofim Ivanovich's wife) tea burned her insides and drilled like poison. During the evening party I did not feel very well from the wake at Nikolai M. Semenov’s (Ivan Ivan.). The Lord accepted my repentance and gave me great grace to boldly serve Vespers and prayer services. May 12. Woe to me from luxurious dinner parties: sweets overwhelm me. Avoid dinner parties. And yesterday I was in a hurry to get to lunch from the gymnasium! And I forgot to give a lesson to the third grade! Let evil tongues whisper whatever they want about me, what will they do to me when I place all my trust in God and am under His protection? I do not care about those who speak evil about me: they themselves take sin upon their souls. May 13. Five and a half o'clock in the morning. I slept restlessly, nervously and painfully, pain in the lower back, probably from lean fish food, fish soup, vegetable oil in pies, oranges, wine (sherry), because I drank all this yesterday, and maybe from some cold. Most likely the pain is nervous from the vinegar in the salad - vinegar is poison for me (I am scrofulous). I thank the Lord, who gave me yesterday, Friday, tears of tenderness during the liturgy at the very beginning and then, at the memory of the incessant saving powers manifested in me by the Lord, of His infinite goodness, benevolence, good-naturedness and benevolence. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the great distress and sorrow that befell me for my selfish insult to the director of the gymnasium because he walked past me when I was reading a newspaper in the parquet room, without greeting me, as if without seeing me. For more than an hour I languished in my soul from inner tightness and sorrow, and only with a tearful prayer of faith on the way to the sixth sailor wing (near the Summer Garden) did I free myself from them and receive peace and freedom. I thank the Lord for the prosperity, tenderness, and unfaltering service in this day’s service during the Liturgy and for the revival of the Divine Mysteries. Before the change in weather and the southern rain, at night in the morning and during the day I felt out of place, my nerves seemed to be beaten, painful, aching; after a quick lunch this passed, but in its place there was intense heat, sweat, and weakness in the body; when it started to rain, I found out why such changes had happened to me. And this change in weather had a particularly strong effect on the sick Shauman: I gave her communion, she was completely weak, as if she was dying. Relieve and heal her, Lord! Write letters to: Father Platon Travlinsky, Ratch and Augusta Kalinnikova, nephews, nieces, Father Donat. May 14. I thank the Lord, who made it possible for me to serve the early liturgy in the Duma Church and gave me a brief word with an invitation to donate voluntary offerings for the construction of the Russian voluntary fleet. I thank the Lord, who revived me through the communion of the most pure Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly delivered me from the devil’s malice before the solemn prayer service at the foundation of the Real School. Governor Kozakevich and all the generals and military officials turned out to be the nicest people, despite the slander of the devil, which presented them as proud, arrogant, capricious egoists. I came to a wonderful opinion about them, consistent with their words and deeds. Amen. I don’t know why, today at lunch after the prayer service at the foundation stone of the Real School, the editor of the Kronstadt Messenger, Nikolai Aleksandrovich Rykachev, told me that the new image of the Savior, made on the sacrifices of the students of the Real School, looks very much like me: it is too exorbitant an honor to resemble the Savior, although He, the all-merciful, deigns to be imagined 130 in us sinners. Glory to Thee, my priceless, inimitable Prototype, Lord Jesus Christ! Pomorsky Leonid Andreevich agreed with Rykachev that many consider me to resemble the face of the Savior! My God! Isn't this enmity flattery? Who am I, Lord! The first of sinners. We wish our departed the eternal memory that the holy saints of God, remembered and glorified by the Church every day every year, deserve. Human souls do not die, but they live after death too - they are eternal. Yesterday the spirit of weakness and despondency, cramped conditions, cowardice tormented me before the prayer service and during the prayer service at the foundation of the Real School and even during the luxurious snack prepared in the Tsarevich's shelter. But when I, leaving apathy and timidity, began to talk with generals in ribbons, to whom (generals) I was not accustomed, then soon the apathy and cowardice disappeared, and all this nastiness and filth, that is, apathy and cowardice, came from the enemy the devil: by all means he is trying to kill my spirit. Happy is the one who overcomes it and never loses heart anywhere, but maintains presence of mind, cheerfulness, spiritual clarity, cheerfulness, free and healthy, bright thoughts. Pyotr Antipovich Ivanov said: what you wish for another, you will get yourself. “I,” he says, “always wished good for my neighbor and tried to do good, and for this I myself see all good from God. Biblical truth! While serving the prayer service with Captain Mezhdev, I could not quite control myself - say litanies and prayers because of the wine and beer I drank at dinner at Batygin’s (Evgeniy Nikanorovich) after the christening. I could not control my heart - it was subjected to vain demonic fear as a result of some addiction to a beautiful girl who was standing during the prayer service (Mezhdev’s daughter). Therefore, abstinence, constant abstinence is necessary for me: it is a weapon against passions and the devil. Abstinence cleanses, enlightens, strengthens the soul; intemperance relaxes, darkens, and defiles. On Sunday, at early mass in the Duma Church, I noticed in myself a hardening and hardening of the heart, a lack of faith and something like what is said by the Wise One: The soul, in the fullness of its existence, curses the honeycomb 131 [Proverbs 27:7]. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help during the prayer service this morning (May 16) at the Kalashnikov store. I have now gravely sinned before God - I was angry that I could not quickly find the white paper tickets intended for sixth-grade students to write exam questions, rummaging through the books on the table; I threw one out in anger: Malivetov’s explanation of the liturgy. I found the tickets in my desk. The other day, Lieutenant Commander Krylov shot himself because he was tired of life, there was nothing to live for, there was emptiness in his soul. Oh, nihilism! Materialism! Oh, disbelief! Oh, corruption! Preserve the people's religion, said the German Emperor. That's true. Without faith, a person is a lost creature! Who puts bullets in their foreheads? Unbelievers and drunken lovers. Shepherds! Come to the aid of dying people! Speak and do not be silent, but speak from the heart, from the word of God and from the experience of your own or someone else’s. May 17. Because of yesterday's voluptuousness and satiety (and wine drinking), this night almost prodigal defilement almost occurred; By the action of the holy Guardian Angel, I soon arose from sleep, and the devil did not have time to complete his dirty trick on me. I read prayers against defilement with tears, for in my soul I had already become defiled. We must fast, fast. Do you value, as a son by grace, the honor of the Heavenly Father, God in the Trinity? Beware of all sin, for sin brings blasphemy against Him, against Him, the All-Holy: For your sake... My name is blasphemed among the nations [Isa.52:5], and do all righteousness, for by it His name is hallowed. May 17. Today I had a severe headache with the urge to vomit, although my stomach was not clogged; I didn't know why this was happening. It turned out in the evening that she was sick before the rain; At about five o'clock or earlier the pain ended. God bless! At the baptism of a child in Petrovskaya Street in Neustroev’s house at Shakhunova’s, at the end I was embarrassed by my addiction to the red decay (silk scarf) and did not pronounce the last litany and dismissal as I should: the ethereal enemy paralyzed my heart, weakened me, cast me down through addiction. Oh, may I love the one God with all my heart and may I not give room in my heart for earthly, corruptible, sinful love. Let my heart be lifted up by fear towards You, the Word, and let nothing sweeten me from worldly beauties. Sunday antiphon of the 4th tone. 18. I thank the many-merciful, benevolent and beneficent Lord, who accepted my repentance of being hard-hearted towards the poor on the way to the gymnasium and had mercy on me. But for a long time I languished as punishment for my voluptuousness, gluttony, satiety and love of money. It was at eleven o'clock in the afternoon. The Lord also showed me rich, great mercy before Vespers, when I, having fallen into internal adultery through my eyes, repented for a long time internally and already in the church, after repeatedly falling to the throne, I received forgiveness. Gluttony (sweet tea with soft Moscow bread) and satiety contributed to the internal seduction. Previously I ate botvins with fish. But what a burning sensation this bun with sweet tea caused me for a long time! I was not myself in guardianship. The soft bun is very strong! She is very heavy! I have only one true, faithful, incorruptible, peaceful, eternal sweetness and joy - the Lord Jesus Christ with the Father and the Holy Spirit; the only holy, incorruptible, eternal beauty is the Lord; the only eternal, imperishable and everlasting honor and glory is the Lord. Earthly sweetness, beauty, glory and honor, earthly joy are ephemeral, fleeting, often and very often unclean in their subject, in purpose and motive, precisely in terms of goals and motives that are carnal, selfish, unreasonable, earthly, low, voluptuous. Last night I saw in a dream that His Grace Macarius, Archbishop of Lithuania, my former rector at the Academy, visited my home favorably, talked, gave me a kiss on my hand, and left in his archbishop's carriage. What does it mean? Or just a phantasmagoria? 19. Kvass and beer in particular cause trouble in me - at night lustful tendencies overcome me, in general, everything is hard. There is no need to eat at night, especially drink beer. Beer is very aggravating and intoxicating, preventing you from reading, contemplating God, or praying; it is the enemy of the soul. I have read so many wonderful examples of the lives of saints and I do not imitate them, forgetting everything I have read; for example, yesterday I read the wonderful life of the Venerable Father Alexander of Svirsky, his fasting, prayer, contemplation of God, and the Venerable Sergius the Great of Radonezh? O I, senseless beast! Oh, unclean pig! May 21. I thank the Lord, who performed the miracle of His salvation in me yesterday in the apartment of the merchant Molchanov before the christening, who delivered me from the torment of the devil, which I suffered all the way from the church to Chikurova’s house in Pesochnaya Street and there until the prayer before the icon; I prayed and repented all the way. What is the temptation? Sexton Zrelov seemed painfully dapper - the villain was wounded by envy and killed. And the right hand inspires: let him flaunt himself, decency is better than indecency and some kind of squalor that catches the eye. Am I offended by God? Do I not have any good things? But is it because of corruption that we fall away from imperishable love and destroy the whole law of God? For the whole law is in love? “The Lord had mercy on me and resolved my sorrow and distress, and tore apart the bonds of sin in my repentance. I thank the Lord for his help during the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church, for overcoming the enemy’s slander. May 21. What an immeasurable wealth of God’s gifts, what heavenly life, holiness, truth, the totality of all Divine virtues, does the Church of God contain within itself! Everything in it is a wonderful economy of our salvation, in it is Divine revelation, in it are all the Sacraments of God performed for our sanctification, renewal, salvation, in it is a wonderful collection of all the saints who surprised us with their lives, their virtues, their patience, especially as martyrs and the angelic world, in it is a constant, wonderful preaching of salvation! In the visible world, or in nature, we see the manifestation of the wisdom, goodness, beauty, sweetness, and infinite power of God; in the Church, in addition, we see the manifestation of the infinite truth and mercy of God regarding us sinners, in the promise of the Son of God and the sending of Him by God the Father to earth, in His incarnation, life, teaching, miracles, prophecies, in His suffering, death and resurrection from the dead, ascension to heaven and His second terrible coming to earth. His entire life, His teaching, miracles, suffering, death, resurrection and ascension are hitherto incessantly remembered, preached and glorified in the Church for the teaching, edification and salvation of believers; and His saving Mysteries are performed continually: anyone who wants can use them and be saved, for without them there is no salvation. And Christians became so indifferent and cold towards this Church of God, as if they were not members of it. What is this strange, wild phenomenon? Shepherds! Shepherds! Performers of the Mysteries and builders of human salvation! What did you buy 132? Why don’t you burn with the fire of Divine jealousy, like Elijah? Like Paul and Peter and the other holy apostles? Why do you not preach day by day the [wonderful] works of salvation of our God [Ps. 95:2]? I did not perform a single mass with a pure heart during my entire priesthood, but I was always bound by worldly passions! Alas for me, a sinner! What punishment do I deserve for this? True, the Lord had mercy on me during every liturgy, enlightened, delivered, cleansed, pacified, sanctified, touched my soul, but His mercy is endless, and yet I am infinitely guilty of my failure to correct my life, of my worldly addictions: self-love, greed, gluttony, drunkenness, envy, pride, ambition, fornication thoughts, partiality, people-pleasing and similar passions, laziness, negligence. Often I prayed insincerely for my neighbors, living and dead, during Vespers, Matins and Liturgy, or during services and the Sacraments; prayer was on the lips, but the heart was cold; insincerely called upon the saints in prayer, the Most Pure Mother of God and the Lord Himself, and irreverently; often self-interest entered the thoughts and heart during prayer; often the heart was bound by sweets and greed during the service itself (due to small prosphyras and loaves); often performed services without any love for God, the Mother of God and the saints, for those living on earth and for the dead. Woe to me, a sinner! You, Lord, have sinned! Guide me, Lord, on Your path, so that I may do everything right, truly, accurately. Grant me the grace to stand at the height of my calling. Grant me to love You with all my heart and those whom You loved and for whose sake You shed Your Blood. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for my repentance from the languor and torment of the enemy during the liturgy (because of the small prosphyras) before the Cherubic Song itself. I thank the Lord, now, at this hour (eleven o’clock in the evening) who delivered me from the torment of the enemy, who wounded me with envy - who? sexton Zrelov, who supposedly grew fat and fat from his good income. Let it go! Thank God that he is not hungry or in need, because I am not starving, but I am full, because I do not need anything. Why shouldn’t the other brother also be happy in everything? Don't we have the same rights to life and its benefits? Aren't we equally human? Has God created the blessings of earth and heaven differently for us? Away with narrow egoism, blind, insane, greedy, base! So, the Lord delivered me from the sorrow, oppression and shame of my passions and gave me peace, freedom, light, strength, health of soul, boldness. Oh, how many weaknesses and passions are in our soul! Every minute she is in danger of dying from her own sins. It is as if hellish fire is raging in a person’s soul, ready to burn him. Excess food greatly intensifies passions and gives the devil power over us. We resolutely sell ourselves to the enemy for extra delicacies and drinks, and he takes possession of us after any excess. Alas for us sinners! Remember, glutton, the progenitor Adam: why did he lose paradise? Remember Esau, for which he lost his birthright - for one thing! 23. About the merits of the saints before God. You know how infected, how terribly infected by sin human nature is, how unclean man is in his very embryo, for we are all conceived and born in sins, but holy men of God, by the grace of God and by their deeds - fasting, vigil, prayer, unceasing attention to oneself, contemplation of God, teaching in the word of God, self-mortification or martyrdom - overcame the power of sin, were cleansed from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit and became the pure wheat of God, or the pure gold of God, and since this cleansing is achieved by the greatest and long-term feats of self-sacrifice out of love for God and for others, which are feats that people in general (devoted to the world and excessive love for themselves) rarely dare, then there are few saints in general and they are worthily glorified by God in heaven and on earth, for God gave them incorruptibility and heavenly bliss and the grace of intercession for people living on earth and resorting to them, and glorified the very bodies of many of them with incorruptibility and healing power. How can we not deeply honor the holy people of God, the friends of God, in whom God rests, as in His pure, animated, churches not made by hands? How do some even Orthodox Christians and all followers of Luther and Calvin not honor them? God Himself says: I will glorify those who glorify Me [1.2:30], and I have glorified them. Let us, for the sake of our own salvation, for the sake of imitating the faith, hope and love of the saints for God, diligently glorify the saints of God, for the honor given to them goes back to God Himself, who glorified them and rests in them, especially let us silently chant and glorify the Most Holy Virgin Mother of God Mary as an animated Irk of the Divinity, as having served the terrible and saving mystery of the incarnation of God the Word and our common human salvation, sanctification, deification, as an intercessor for our eternal life, a leader towards it. 23. I thank the Lord, who surprised me today during Matins and especially early mass in the Duma Church (from Lossky, the postmaster) with His great and rich mercy, when I was broken, faint-hearted, despondent from yesterday’s great treat at the cemetery and at Father Nikolai, the cemetery priest. The Lord gave me great, tearful tenderness, boldness, and sweet and life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries during a completely stumbling-free service. The Bulgarian martyrs, beaten by the Turks, did not accept liberation in order to receive a better resurrection [Heb.11:35]. Eternal memory to them! An ungrateful, extremely ungrateful soil for the growth of good fruits, for the effectiveness of prayer, for the thought of God, a heart burdened with gluttony, sweets, and earthly pleasures. But for a Christian, whose goal is holiness, truth, and pleasing God, good fruits: fervent prayer, contemplation of God are necessary. Without them he is not a Christian. So, man, give up absurd gluttony, satiety, drunkenness and serve God in spirit, trampling all carnal lusts. 24. I thank the Lord, who gave me grace that sobered and warmed my cold heart when I served the all-night vigil on the Feast of the Ascension. Before the all-night vigil, I was with the couple who were celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, and I ate a tasty meal and drank two or three glasses of wine, which is why I became somewhat drunk. I thank the Lord, who gave me the fervor of prayer and boldness with unfailing service (at the litany, blessing of the loaves, while reading the Gospel). Oh! How my heart grows cold and coarse from food, especially from food at night, especially from fish with horseradish and vinegar! Vinegar is harmful to me: it is poison to my blood. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to sing a magnificent mass in the cathedral on Easter; by the grace of God we celebrated the Lord's feast well; May God grant the next one to wait in the joy of the heart in the Lord and to become more and more inflamed with love for the Lord! May God grant that we spend all our days in the glory of God, in the zeal of God. Let us surrender ourselves and each other and our entire life to Christ God, for for us sinners it is most natural and necessary to surrender ourselves to the Lord with all our weaknesses and all kinds of needs; for God is good and a lover of mankind, for God, in his goodness and love for mankind, is willing and able to satisfy all our needs and cleanse all sins through the intercession of the blood of the Son of God shed for us on the cross of His suffering, through the intercession of the Mother of God and all the saints. May 25. Ascension. I thank the Lord with all my heart and with all my saved being for the wonderful, saving transformations accomplished in me today by His mercy and life-giving power: this morning I had a pressing, cutting tightness, a disease that weakened my entire being; I attributed it, as [indeed], to yesterday’s gluttony and delicacy, combined with breaking the fast and eating fish with horseradish in the evening. But now, being in extreme cramped conditions and illness, I fell in prayer with faith to the throne, which is in the chapel of Joseph the Hymnographer in the Assumption Church: I feel that the pain and pain stopped and then it became easier and easier, and so it was easy throughout the mass; only before the Gospel, when pronouncing the words: God, through prayers, confused the enemy, wounded him, and besieged him, and then the Lord had mercy through the prayer of repentance, and served the entire mass without stumbling, cheerfully; after communion he was miraculously revived; he delivered the sermon with animation; I read the prayer behind the pulpit vividly, briskly, and dismissed the whole thing without stumbling. God bless! 26. I thank the Lord, who today, through the prayer of faith and repentance, delivered me from great distress and sorrow on the way to the gymnasium. I said: I am cast into the abyss of Your mercy, Lord, tuna, for the sake of Your name, save me, for there is no other name under heaven given to men by which we must be saved [Acts 4:12], and immediately I felt in my soul that I was saved, allowed, spared; I joyfully glorified the Lord for the salvation that had been so graciously wrought in me. Every day the Lord gives me salvation again, and many times over. What shall I render to the Lord who works miracles in me? Here, in a world of vanity, in an adulterous and sinful world, constantly and often unnoticed, our souls and bodies, worms and aphids and evil thoughts, undermine and steal the treasures of the soul, truth and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit; What is the sure remedy for this constant corruption of sin, for these mental thieves? – Prayer of repentance and faith. She revives, resurrects our soul, which has decayed in seductive lusts, drives away mental thieves, she is their scourge, and for us is a source of strength, life and salvation. Glory to the Lord for this! Prayer both protects and delivers us from sin. We live well with the prayer of faith, for in prayer we live with the Lord, Who promised all blessings to those who ask: Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you; for everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened [Matthew 7:7–8]. Glory, Lord, to Your all-true words. God! Grant to all who ask You through my unworthiness various blessings, the requests of their hearts. Amen. Wake up! 27. I thank the Lord, who killed in me the spirit of blasphemy against our holy father Nile of Stolbensky, when I read the canon to him and after the canon. I called out to the Lord in repentance and self-condemnation and felt in my heart that the spirit of blasphemy had disappeared from me and my soul felt peaceful. In the evening I stood at the all-night vigil in the cathedral with tenderness while reading the canons and akathists to the Sweetest Jesus, the Most Holy Theotokos and the holy Guardian Angel. After the all-night vigil, I went to Kozma Ivanovich Kovrigin at the invitation of Paraskeva Ivanovna, his sister, drank wine, tea, ate oranges, soft Moscow bread with good country butter and cheese. 28. Morning, five and a half hours. Oh, how the evil spirit, the spirit of sensuality and pleasure, irritated my sensuality in my dreams at night. It’s like Maslenitsa, at the Shturmansky or Technical School there are large tables covered with white tablecloths, many guests at Zeleny, Nevertov, all the navigator’s representatives with their families, luxurious food and drinks; eat, joke, laugh; I was traveling with someone, my comrades fell out at the table, I went ahead, - then at the Italian pond and the bridge there are other tables - also a feast, here, in addition to the delicacy, I have vanity: a white shirt, white sleeves, which I admired. Oh, rubbish! Oh, sensuality! Everything is decay, everything is stupidity! Where are the heavenly, spiritual, holy dreams? They are not there: sensuality and decay have taken possession of me. Woe is me! So during mass the enemy bothers me, kills my spirit with small prosphyras; A terrible jealousy arises in me - why small prosphyra, but I don’t eat them myself, because I’m always full and satiated. Oh, I am sensual, my womb is an idol! I’m glad when I have a good share, when another brother or sister has better and more, while others have worse and less! How much cunning, vile pride, malice, greed, and earth-lovingness there is here! My God! You see our depths! How unclean we are, abominable before You, unworthy of You, the Most Holy One! And our internal, constant fornications, unclean tendencies in the heart! In prayer, people are cold, absent-minded, vanity, and unreasonable. After mass on May 28, Sunday. The spirit of malice, the spirit of greed and gluttony now powerfully wielded my heart when I saw very small prosphyras for the laity, made by our prosphyr-maker Yaroslavtseva; turned my heart away from the love of God and from the love of my neighbor, inhaling hostility and anger at the prospera maker, turned my heart away from the lofty subject of proskomedia and liturgy in general, constrained, darkened, killed my spirit, and I, damned, struggled with it for a long, long time. Only the Holy Mysteries delivered me from the invisible villains who had settled inside me and tormented me. Indeed, I was subjected to the torment of evil demons for my constant gluttony and greed, especially for yesterday’s carousing with Kozma Ivanovich Kovrigin, a man almost always drunk, although yesterday he was completely sober. Before early mass, it was necessary to abstain from food and drink especially in the evening. I added his sins to my sins, for it was not for nothing that I ate and drank from him - the devil intensified my torment. Oh, how unforgivable it is for me, a priest, in the service of the spirit, in the heavenly service, to serve my passions, to be carried away and bound by them and to greatly offend the Spirit of grace. The altar is not a tavern, not a tavern, to pay special attention to food supplies and measure their size - whether they are large or small; We do not go to church to be satisfied or to please our belly, but to pray fervently to the Lord, His Most Pure Mother and the saints, to remember our departed and pray for them at the Bloodless Sacrifice, to partake of the Holy Mysteries, to learn from the word of God, and so on. You cannot work with God and mammon [Matthew 6:24]. Oh, how true this is! Today I could not serve the Liturgy calmly, freely, with boldness because of the small prosphyra: I was annoyed by the prosphyra maker. This is what addiction to perishable bread means! But all skills are due to be counted [ Phil. 3:8 ], even the bread itself, although not the Body of Christ, which is holy and eternal life! Even at night, from my dreams, I noticed that my heart was corrupted by gluttony and it was possessed by the powers of the evil one. And so it was. In the morning at mass I realized how the enemy had taken possession of me! Serves me right: let me learn abstinence. I sharply reprimanded the prosphora maker for the very small prosphoras. The center and nursery of the flesh, as well as all carnal passions, is the stomach, which is why the enemy of men, the devil, who destroyed us in the beginning through gluttony, and now most of all drags us into the abyss of evil through gluttony and intemperance; he forms in us, through our voluptuousness, inattention and laziness towards salvation, the habit of carnality and intemperance; every day teaches us to irritate and intensify our sensuality and thereby suppress the spirit and at the same time the needs of the spirit; teaches us to forget the corruption of everything earthly, and at the same time our body and our belly, which have to be the food of worms, to forget about death and eternal judgment, about repentance and correction of life, about the acquisition of virtues. The devil strongly advocates every day for his metropolis, I mean the stomach, for its greed, insatiability and fools the mind, torments the heart of a poor person, inciting him to enmity and quarrel with people because of money, because of bread, because of delicacies, because of an insufficient measure of bread or anything else to eat or drink and turning him away from love for God and neighbor. Therefore, the holy saints, like true sages, taught internally and by the Scriptures by the Holy Spirit, despised the belly and flesh, killed it by non-eating, dry eating, vigil, prayer, [sitting], standing, wearing a rope, walking in rags and other means, ceasing all friendship towards it, as to an insidious one. Through their prayers, Lord, make us wise to crucify the flesh with passions and lusts. This is true Christian wisdom, true philosophy. May 28. Resurrection. 29. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the terrible cramped conditions and gore of the enemy, the fire of hell, through my prayer after mass at home. I thank the Lord for healing the baby from the merchant who trades in the house of Gerasim Murashev, through my humble prayer. 29. I thank the Lord, who heard me in the hour of need and temptation (before the memorial service for the servant of God Timothy Alexandrovich Moiseev, 87 years old, a pious elder) and who granted me the unfailing service of the memorial service with the singing of choristers, without a deacon. Do not forsake me in the first place, O Lord, and grant me to perform every service without stumbling, with all my heart. As I drink wine and eat intemperately, my hearing becomes tighter, duller, weaker as a natural punishment for me for the sin of gluttony and idolatry of this kind. 30. Forgive your neighbors' debts with an abundance of good nature many times over, for due to human weakness people very often sin against each other intentionally or completely unintentionally, accidentally or due to human weakness. The enemy teaches and forces us every time to exact an excess of malice from the guilty, but this should not happen at all, let us not be enemies of God. This is what happened to me today (it happened often before): I was angry with the sexton Zrelov because yesterday he unintentionally left the house with the Polyglot sexton, and to the funeral service that happened I had to go with a watchman, and I could hardly calm my embittered heart with repentance and prayer, and I could hardly perform the funeral service for the servant of God Timofey Alexandrovich Moiseev. He confused the two litanies in confusion and could only pronounce the last one, having calmed down by the grace of God. Oh, grant me, Lord, everlasting kindness! During the exam at the real school, I felt extremely unwell due to the uncleanness of my heart and the presence of unclean spirits: they brought gloomy despondency and crampedness into me. May 31st. I thank the Lord for the great salvation that was revealed in me through the prayer of repentance in the kindergarten on Ekaterininskaya Street after great embarrassment and sinful death inflicted by the devil, and for help at the memorial service for the servant of God Timofey Alexandrovich Moiseev; he said the last litany smartly and boldly and firmly, by the grace of God. I thank the Lord for my visit with great tenderness in the Engineering Round Garden (from the pond formed) during the reading of the canon and prayers for communion (today I am serving mass by the grace of God in the Church of the Epiphany) and for the tenderness during the reading of the canon of Hodegetria at home, for a healthy, restful, [serene] sleep. May 31st. Today was an extremely difficult day for me; extreme weakness and soreness of the entire physical organism, infirmity, cramped conditions, impurity of spirit and heart, timidity, distrust and disrespect for myself, a tendency to sleep, scourged me from the morning until three o'clock, until the end of dinner at Moses' funeral. When I came home, I slept well and felt encouraged, I became more cheerful and healthier. I thank the Lord for the liturgy and for the communion of the Holy Mysteries, which revived me. Rainy weather has a bad effect on the body and soul, it depresses, induces despondency, sleep, and lethargy. Imagine (Church Glav.) – take on an image; to be depicted, to be imprinted. Translated by P. Yungerov: A well-fed soul despises the honeycomb (Proverbs 27:7). Obuyati (Church Glav.) – to lose meaning, to go mad; become stupid, lose strength.