Апрель 1878 года

April 2. I suffered the greatest trouble and shame today during matins and early mass from complete speechlessness due to a cold, received from drinking cold lemonade on the fourth day (Thursday) in the evening and on the third last day (Friday) at the wake, drinking cold honey and from the cold cassock in which I spent a long time in church during confession and in which I went to the gymnasium and walked back. Moreover, I spoke a lot on Friday both at the gymnasium and at confession. This is my punishment for overeating and fish-eating. But woe was to me during Matins and Mass, the shame and weakness of voicelessness were like a sharp knife for me, and the devil launched his murderous sting into my soul and tormented me, tormented me in the most annoying way, irritating, embarrassing, roaring into despair, fear, apprehension. And if it were not for the Lord saving me, what would have happened to me? I thank the Lord, who saved me many times from his deadly, murderous, poisonous, fiery stings. Well, I really needed patience! I thank the Lord for the gift of patience! With him I endured the terrible temptations of the all-world scoundrel. Prayers to Christ, the true Light, dismissal, the names of royal persons at the great entrance, First remember, Lord, behind the pulpit, dismissal - said everything. Last night, due to weakness (hoarseness), I allowed for quick meat soup and a glass of milk, thinking that it would make me feel better, but in the morning it turned out worse: the extra nutrition harmed me, and my voice became even worse, even more difficult; I had terrible irritability, endless suspicion of the deacon and the altar watchman, unbearable fear and demonic fear. And it turns out that a post is needed. April 3. Yesterday I became convinced again and again that without the liturgy (I didn’t serve for six days) I am dead and subject to countless wiles of the devil, causing me torment and death, and the liturgy, after long struggles with the enemy, returns me life and joy, peace and freedom. Glory to the Most Holy Eucharist! Glory to the Body and Blood of my Lord Jesus Christ! Yesterday, when I came home after early mass, I felt a strong surge in my soul, an onslaught of anger and malice, and I could barely restrain myself from quarreling with my wife over empty things. How much evil is in us, and actually in me! Love is patient, kind, not easily angered, and does not think evil (1 Cor. 13:4-5). April 4. Yesterday I made the greatest mistake and sin before the Lord and before myself, that I ate two raw eggs and through this gave my body a lot of nutrition and an excess of strength, which is why at night there was a strong lustful inflamation, which I humbled by the grace of the cross; then a strong cough from constriction of the lungs with food. Now I don’t need to eat for whole days, and on Holy Week, the next one according to the cathedral, I don’t have to eat at all. Strengthen, Lord, good will. Bodiless villains, inducing cowardice, despondency, melancholy and despair upon me during worship, especially in the presence of a large crowd of people, thereby intensify to blaspheme through me, an unworthy servant of God, the greatness of God, stumbling and deposing me in words of prayer, doxology, thanksgiving, and petition. I must remember that during worship I belong entirely to God, with all my being, with all my strength, and not to lose heart, but to rise and strengthen, casting all my sins into the abyss of God’s mercy, no matter how great they may be. The enemy, recalling at this time any sins, especially the absurd sins of youth and ignorance, tries to confuse and overthrow the soul with them in order to thereby interfere with the divine service, but you understand his machinations and resist him with a strong heart and mind. Tell him: about these sins that you taught me, in my youth and later I often cried a lot and cursed your charm, and many, many years have passed since I stopped doing them and do not dream about them, although through your cunning I sometimes remember them and although you sometimes sting me with them. I renounce you, Satan, and all your dirty tricks, and abominations, and every kind of sin forever, forever - I am united with Christ, my God. Amen. April 5. I thank the Lord, who took away from me the shame and disease of voicelessness, which happened to me on Friday evening in the Fifth Week of Lent and lasted until Monday inclusive. He called the doctor and sprayed his throat. I had a severe cold, but it was more the work of the evil one ([at the hotel] there was a mention of Konon Rodionov). May I sing with new zeal the glory of God and may I trample the enemies (invisible and visible) of the name of God and the magnificent glory of God! April 7. I sinned before the Lord and before myself, yesterday, at Burachok’s, I feasted on salted fish, sweet tea and oranges in the evening, at night, and wine (two glasses), and even two oranges at home, and earlier at Yudenich’s, sweet tea and wine. But the Lord delivered me from voluptuous dreams. Have mercy on me. My God, have mercy on me and tame my all-passionate flesh. Grant me to spend the remaining [time] of fasting in abstinence and pleasing God. I want it. Amen. 8. Azure resurrection. I thank You, Lord, for You surround me with the joys of deliverance from the snares of crafty and poisonous demons, when I only call upon You from the depths of my soul. Yesterday, and the third, and the fourth day, You saved me many times from the stings of the serpent. Evening. Eleven and a half hours. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me with a solemn, sonorous voice to read the canon of Lazarus’ resurrection and the stichera, to celebrate early mass, to partake of the life-giving Mysteries without condemnation, and to give communion to four hundred people, having spoken my sermon expressively and with a warm feeling in advance. During mass, the Lord repeatedly delivered me from the grave machinations of ethereal enemies, especially at the beginning of mass and after reading the Gospel, when I, oppressed and stung in my heart by enemies, cried out to the Lord with tears for mercy and deliverance. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with the greatest mercy at the very beginning of the all-night vigil, when my enemies mercilessly wounded and embarrassed me at the sight of tiny loaves of bread for blessing at litia, offered from the prosfirnitsa. I developed a strong hostility and anger towards her (because of the bread, which I don’t eat as if I’m full - oh, greed!). The enemy drowned me through my addiction to quantity and form, and I drowned, but I did not despair of God’s help and was not ashamed, although, however, at the litany and blessing of the loaves I was embarrassed and oppressed all because of the same thing! I read my morning prayers quite calmly and with concentration; during kathisma, he prayed intensely, calling on the Lord for salvation, and went out to the magnification calmly, burning incense with a good feeling; I read the Gospel in colloquial language, well, without stumbling. Christ, the true Light, stole the dismissals, was wounded, was deeply embarrassed; On the way I prayed for salvation and deliverance. At the funeral service for officer Nikolai Afanasyev, all exclamations and dismissal by the grace of Christ God were said very well, without stumbling. During the communion of the laity, he sinned with the variability of feelings from partiality: he felt disgust for ugly and ugly faces, and a special disposition for handsome and young, tender ones. Oh, ungodly sight! Are not all people in the image of God? Have not all been redeemed by the Blood of Christ alone? Are members of Christ all the same? No one should look at your own face as decay and insignificance, or at the beautiful faces of other people, otherwise you will despise the ugly, the unattractive, the old, the sick, the wretched, the crippled. Do not have the faith of our Lord Jesus Christ outwardly [James 2:1]. Don’t be proud, don’t be vain, don’t think, don’t dream that you are better and more beautiful than others. You may be beautiful in face, but ugly in soul. Burdened with sins and passions and you stink of them, like a three-day dead man. It is wonderful that grace gave me a wonderful voice today during the all-night vigil, and during mass. Grace revives, renews, strengthens soul and body, although with difficult struggle; and grace comes from communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord. Woe to me without communion, if I do not receive communion for four or five days: then, against my will, I put on the enemy, his death and all evil. And when I receive communion, I put on Christ, His life, power, light, beauty, holiness, truth, boldness. The Mysteries of God are always miraculous! During Holy Week I do not need to eat at all, except for communion of the Holy Mysteries; I am full of vitality. 9 . Palm Sunday. At night I had a severe headache, probably from the red caviar and fish that I ate in the evening, and perhaps from the church wine - but not from the Most Pure Blood, but perhaps from a cold. On days of great Christian celebrations, priests especially need to be completely imbued with the spirit and subject of these celebrations and rise from earth to heaven: this is also their property, in order to elevate our spirit, which for the most part is chained to earthly things, worries and has become hardened by worldly passions. But to spite us, our incorporeal enemy, especially in these days, is trying to stop us and scold us through our passions, to bind, to darken our souls, as he did to me yesterday because of the disorder of the prospera bowl, which presented, as it were, children’s toys - extremely small loaves of bread for consecration, like nuts. It took me a lot of work and tears to suppress the embarrassment of these breads. I don’t know who they were assigned to and why. I don’t even eat them as if I’m full, but because of them I’m very embarrassed. Here, of course, there was envy, greed, and people-pleasing (give benefactors decent bread). I knew that the prosfir woman earns a lot of money from the sale of prosfir (700 prosfir a day comes out), and yet she is extremely stingy and greedy - she regrets delivering decent bread for the church. I thank the Lord: the headache from walking in the fresh air went away (at four and a half o'clock in the morning I got up and walked until five and a half o'clock). I think the green onions gave me a bad headache at night. We should not be indignant at the severity and power of temptations, for with temptations the Lord punishes, makes wise, cleanses and strengthens our soul, captive and defiled by passions. I always see this in myself. Praise the Lord. The struggle is hard, defeats and falls are painful, but victory is also sweet, granted through several falls, by which the soul is driven to jealousy, manages to defeat invisible enemies and strengthens itself in the struggle. After mass late. My struggle with the invisible villains before and during mass was long and stubborn; fought with the weapons of faith and prayer, in deep repentance and self-abasement. Before the Cherubic Song, the enemies were driven out of their fortifications in the name of the Lord. Late in the evening on Palm Sunday, I ate too much fish - boiled whitefish, and at night at two o'clock I got a strong headache, like being shot in the crown, like, as the proverb goes, you can climb a wall. I got up, got dressed and went out for a walk; I’m walking – my headache is even worse, and my headaches are even worse. I come home - the same thing, finally I make strong body movements of all kinds to distract the blood from my head - thank God! This helped: the blood was diverted from the head, and there was heartburn in the mouth with fish: obviously, the pain in the head was due to the excess of fish food in the stomach, which did not know its outcome; if I vomited, it would be good; I couldn’t wish for anything better. But it doesn’t make you want to vomit either. I will wait for God's mercy. It is not that I should grieve and lament that my head hurts so much, but that I have offended the Holy Spirit, Whose church I was after celebrating the Liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries, and Christ my Savior, Whom I received into myself - I have offended by satiety, gluttony, and gluttony. Alas for me, a sinner! I am unworthy of God’s mercy after so many sins, but I am worthy of torment and torment! My womb has become a most fetid, unclean place: from the winds coming out of it, I feel what uncleanness there is in it, what an unbearable stench. And how can the Holy Spirit dwell in my heart, Who is holy and has an endless, sweet fragrance! Alas for me that I ate a lot of fish late in the evening on Good Monday! Have mercy on me, God, have mercy on me and again, and again, and again! Great Monday. After Matins. I thank and extol the Lord, who healed my most severe and painful headache, which was due to my satiety with fish food in the evening and indigestion. Strong movement in the fresh air and at home in the office and bedroom saved me, and the Lord enlightened and helped me in this. I thank the Lord for the victory, the great victory over the invisible enemies who cruelly and stubbornly fought me during Matins. I thank the Lord for the abundant tears of great tenderness. I need very little food, even though I have maintained external chastity for many years, but out of greed I sometimes consume a lot and therefore suffer greatly from demons in my soul and body. Oh, if only I didn’t eat for days! Oh, if only I didn't eat fish! April 11. I absolutely must pursue in myself any feeling of hostility against anyone, even the worst enemy (except the devil), or any contempt, or envy and ill will. For these are the seeds of the devil, the fruit of which is death, immediately striking the soul. We are commanded to love everyone, which alone is the fulfillment of the law; We are commanded from the Lord to do everything with love, even with rebuke or punishment. A true Christian is unthinkable without love. I thank the Lord for my great boldness in serving Him yesterday and today, for deliverance from all the numerous snares of the enemy, working inside and outside me, for the integrity of my service, for my clear and sonorous voice in singing, reading, and speaking. I thank the Lady Theotokos, Quick to Hear, who quickly heard me when I called out to Her in cramped conditions and sorrows caused by invisible enemies through sins that acted within me, and who delivered me from sins and sorrows. He just called out in the simplicity of his heart’s faith, without any doubt, and received the gift from the Lady. Just as it is natural for us to breathe and for the sun to shine, so the Lady Theotokos listens and has mercy on us, for She is the Sun, emitting life-giving rays of mercy throughout the entire universe. Amen. April 11. After mass. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform with great strength, without stumbling, the Presanctified Liturgy with its parts and to partake without condemnation of the Divine and life-giving Mysteries, and to perform two memorial services in the church with the victory of the opposing forces that cruelly fought and embarrassed me at the beginning of the first memorial service for Paul Al. Korguev, former mayor. I thank the Lord, who forgave me the sin of being angry with my wife when I came home: sin greatly oppressed, burned, and embarrassed me. I repented, sincerely condemned myself, asked for mercy and healing from the Lord, and soon received what I asked for. Glory to the Lord, my Savior! The all-loathing, most impure and all-evil enemy beset me today, as a sinful and vile sinner, with foul and blasphemous thoughts against the Most Pure Mother of God at the time when, at the end of the hours and while performing the entrance prayers, I approached Her most pure image to kiss Her most pure feet, with which She sanctified all the earth, waters and air, and greatly offended and embarrassed me; I bitterly regretted that I allowed this slander and blasphemy to strike my heart even for a moment, and in repentance I cried out to the Lord for mercy, and the Lord soon had mercy and what grace of peace he gave me, what deliverance, obvious and glorious! I thank You, Lord, for you put to shame those who reproach me! I thank You, for You have granted me great boldness in serving before the rich, learned and noble! In church services, a short doxology to the Holy Trinity, which created everything and governs everything, revitalizes everything, is very often used: Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, now and ever and unto ages of ages. The other half of this doxology is attached to the troparion in honor of the Mother of God, for through Her we have been vouchsafed to eternally glorify the Holy Trinity, through Her we have been revived and saved by the Trinitarian Divinity. 12. I sinned before the Lord and before the Holy Church by eating red caviar last night and then sardines in Provençal oil, for fish food produced a lustful incitement, although there were no unclean dreams. Defender Alexandrov, an eloquent speaker, lulled the public and the jurors to such an extent that the latter acquitted the person guilty of the attempted murder of Mayor Trepov and who actually shot him, saying that she was not guilty. The basis of the defense was that the mayor Trepov flogged Bogolyubov the prisoner for his rudeness and insolence in front of him. The rod degrades a person’s dignity, but don’t rudeness and insolence in front of a boss degrade human dignity? Doesn’t the disturbance in the church itself and on the street in front of the church humiliate and desecrate the sanctity of the church itself, the sanctity of the divine service (the riot was committed during the divine service), not to mention the desecration of a state institution and state order? Doesn’t such frequent suicide, which became a natural consequence of the abolition of corporal punishment, which curbed human sinful morals, humiliate a person most of all? Justify, justify, gentlemen, the scoundrels, and you will see what will happen, what arbitrariness, what murders and suicides. These murders and suicides are the Last Judgment of God for the abolition of corporal punishment for scoundrels; because of their abolition, evil reached its extreme limits, for there was no bridle, no external bridle for crime. How were Karakozov 126 and others like him not acquitted? “But then there was no defender for Alexandrov, there was no trial, quick and just. Drinking grape wine has a bad effect on me: it makes me dizzy the next day, so sometimes when I give Holy Communion to babies I can barely stand on my feet. Morning. Today I saw in a dream twice the leaders of two armies, it seems, Russian and English, riding out cheerfully and menacingly into battle for a decisive battle. But it is strange that Osman Pasha is among our glorious military leaders. Is this the only nonsense? Or a prophetic dream? 13. The struggle with opposing forces was fierce during and after mass (during the confession of the schoolchildren), but the deliverance of the Lord Jesus Christ was omnipotent and generous. Glory to the Lord, His infinite mercy, covering all my sins, delivering me from all evils, circumstances, temptations. I thank the Lord, who granted me a glorious victory over the invisible enemies who pierced my heart, confused and weakened it. By the grace of the Lord, I completed the entire morning service safely, without stumbling, and I read the prayer to Christ, the True Light to the end without omissions (to do Your commandments, [usually] torn out by disembodied enemies from this prayer at a large gathering of people). 14. Great Heel. I almost lost my chastity from night dreams as a result of eating a very sweet dish in the evening: rolls with raspberry jam and almond milk, and in front of them - ruff fish soup. I got up at night and prayed to God for mercy on me, the damned one. Today there is nothing. I condemn myself for voluptuousness and gluttony in these days. Yesterday I received much spiritual gain by touching with faith and hope the life-giving throne of the Lord: I got rid of invisible enemies and their heavy oppression and became revived, calmed down, and strengthened my soul many times, especially before late mass and before the all-night vigil, and many times during mass itself. Glory to the Lord! It's an hour and a half in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help and salvation during the service of Matins and the hours in the cathedral: I read and spoke all the Gospels, prayers and exclamations almost without stumbling, except for the prophecy given by the evangelist about the sale of the Lord for thirty pieces of silver (the prophet Jeremiah): and I accepted thirty pieces of silver, the price of the Priced One, which I valued from the children of Israel, and I gave The village is poor, as the Lord told me [Matthew 27:9–10]. Forgive me, Lord, and help me to pronounce everything without stumbling. Grant strength and freedom to my heart. He had not yet uttered the words in the Gospel: At the time Jesus went out with His disciples to the floor of the stream of Kedrsk, where there was a helicopter city, in which He and His disciples appeared [John 18:1], - the stubborn adversary interfered with my sins, with my gluttony and greed, weakening and striking my heart. I thank the Lord, who gave me inner, physical and spiritual lightness, after eating apples and oranges and drinking tea according to my labors on this day (Great Friday) - the performance of Matins and the hours by one priest (me). I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the cruel, murderous warfare of the devil, who breathed into me anger at Philip Stepanov, who was supposedly angry with me, and who gave me peace just before the removal of the shroud. I said a good word, thanking the Lord. I thank the Lord, who tamed the fornication that attacked me after a girl I knew confessed to me that she loved a young man and kissed him. The Lord destroyed a similar war in the evening after the evening prayer while reading the canon of the Sabbath, and at night there was no war of the prodigal. I am very suspicious and suspicious of people, which is why I often suffer from the actions of the enemy. Grant me, Lord, simplicity and gentleness. Amen. April 15. Holy Saturday. Today I was subjected to the greatest, most prolonged and most severe violence, and oppression from evil spirits throughout the entire period before mass and during mass (before mass, after sleep from ten and a half hours and during the entire time of mass). I struggled, hesitated, wanted to drive out with the grace of God the demons that were oppressing me and tormenting me mercilessly, but I could not. The people, together with the rector, received communion restlessly, with cramped conditions (crowdedness from the black bread eaten the evening before - two slices in excess, there was no need to eat on Great Friday). After mass, he baptized a child, the girl Alexandra, from a sailor outside the city behind the slaughterhouses. While I was giving communion to the Orthodox in the chapel, all the troubles, all the passions attacked me: anger, irritability, envy (Mature’s wife was dressed up), greed and stinginess (alas! I took communion little by little and was afraid that there would be nothing left for me to consume, although I take communion often, and they do it once a year!) Have mercy on me, have mercy on me, God! Today at mass the Apostle read to the Romans [Rom. 6:3-11] about not working for sin - but I, alas! Working; so that we may be dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord - and I am not dead to sin, not dead to sin, but alive to it: every sin still lives in me - pride, malice, envy, greed, gluttony, stinginess, covetousness, hard-heartedness, fornication, intemperance! Alas, alas for me, a sinner! From eating buckwheat porridge in excess and from the fullness of my stomach, I started coughing, and when I went for a walk on the wall, I started belching like porridge and it became in my throat and a little [crumbs of] porridge passed. Satan almost brought despair upon me today during mass, so fierce were the temptations, sorrows, and oppression - all this, I think, happened to me besides my own and for the sins of others, the many sins that I allowed, which perhaps should not have been allowed, but I also sinned through my gluttony and satiety. Have mercy on me, God! I was in a hurry and despaired of the success of pronouncing the names of the royal family at the great entrance and remained silent, cowardly dumb, saying only: may the Lord God remember... Meanwhile, the archpriest spoke and acted extremely smoothly, calmly, slowly - I need to learn to act from him, especially when saying dismissals and prayers in front of the people (Behold, child, Christ stands invisibly)... April 16. Easter of the Lord. I thank the Lord, who graciously delivered me after I fell to the throne from my crampedness and sorrow and cowardice and who gave me peace and tenderness during the singing of the Midnight Office and throughout Matins. I am sick with pride, because I do not heartily respect the high authorities, spiritual, civil and military, I internally condemn them for the shortcomings I hear in them, although I know that there is no person without sin, and although it is not my business, but God’s, to judge. Have mercy on me, Lord, enlighten my darkness, deliver me from secret pride, grant me deep humility. Satan has planted every passion in my vile heart and feeds and grows all passions like his nursery. And envy with ill-will and malice and revenge and harm to others is in me, and greed, and fornication, and malice, and partiality, and gluttony. Dearest Savior and Physician of souls! Heal my passions, my ulcers for Your name. April 17. Christ God was gloriously glorified in me before the later liturgy and during the liturgy itself in repeated deliverances from evil and crafty demons, from their repeated, destructive attacks, attacks on my poor soul in granting me victory, peace, freedom, boldness in service. Initially, the enemy swooped in and killed my soul out of grief at the poor old woman who did not know how to make Christ; I walked for a long time with a murdered soul and repented, finally the Lord delivered me - pacified me, freeing me from the evil demon; then, during the performance of the proskomedia, the enemy again attacked me, making me angry with the girls of Father Deacon Sofronov, who were disrespectful to me; I remembered the examples of gentleness of the saints Abraham, James, Joseph, David and in the New Testament of countless saints and especially the Gentle Lamb Himself, the Lord Jesus Christ, who takes away the sins of the world, and I said to myself: I have not yet [been scolded], not beaten, and even if they beat me, and then I must endure with meekness and pray with love for my enemies, may he let them go, may he give them reason, yes will soften their hearts. After this, the Lord had mercy on me - the demon ran away; then, while reading the Gospel, a demon attacked, making Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina angry - I didn’t like her tender expression on her face. Then I said to the demon: this is the most benevolent woman to me, kind, God-fearing - why do you, evil demon, embitter me against her? It’s absurd to be angry with her, get away from me, you damned one. Thus, by the grace of God, I repeatedly defeated the evil demons that attacked me and killed my soul, and with the same grace I performed the entire mass perfectly, without stumbling, with a clear, bright, loud voice and both dismissals, and God, through the prayers of such and such an evangelist, will give you the verb, and the names of the royal persons at the great entrance, and in the first remember, Lord, and everything, everything he said perfectly. Glory to the Lord, the Conqueror of demons and my evils in me, and my Enlightener, who enlightened my soul to the knowledge of the machinations of demons and the refusal to consent to their evil! (Jealousy for a Mature wife is fading beauty; one must strive for unfading, eternal beauty.) The general voice is about unbelief, blasphemy and blasphemy of the so-called educated people (I especially heard this from Mrs. Oparovskaya in Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street). How sad and painful this is! What can we expect from God for this? Today I laughed frivolously, maliciously and stupidly when sexton Zrelov fell from his droshky and hurt himself, but I should have expressed condolences. 19. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the miracle of His obedience, mercy and strength, for He soon saved me with His omnipotent power in the apartment of Rusanov’s clerk Roman Fedorov, when before the baptism of the baby I heartily cried out to Him in secret to deliver me from the sorrow and oppression that oppressed me, which befell me for my rudeness and severity in dealing with a poor girl, and gave me peace and freedom and a bold, calm celebration of the Sacrament Baptism. The tempting thought of an earthly reward and the possibility of not receiving it. Answer: seek eternal rewards in God and do not be seduced by earthly, transitory, vain, false things. Because of earthly rewards, we neglect true virtue, we do not strive for the honor of a heavenly title, as all the saints aspired (Reverends Anthony and Theodosius of Pechersk, Sergius of Radonezh, Zosima and Savvaty of Solovetsky and others). The Mogilev merchant's sister-in-law, the old widow Theodosius, plump and tall, died suddenly. From what? Because, I think, after fasting she carelessly burdened herself with fast food, very nutritious, meanwhile she sat at home and had no movement. I remembered the words of the Lord: Take heed to yourselves, lest your hearts be weighed down with gluttony and drunkenness and the cares of this life [Luke 21:34]. Today I also ate too much, shortly after a home-cooked dinner (oh, greed!) at the merchant Korshunov’s after the prayer service and the betrothal of his daughter, and when I went to bed, I could not sleep from weighing myself down with food. Get up and let's make strong movements around the room. O gluttony! Oh, greed! I also sinned before the Lord after tenfold repentance, shallow, insincere, false! I thank the Lord for the courageous, spirited, unfaltering service of prayer services and the performance of baptisms on this day. April 20. Thursday of Holy Week. I thank the most merciful Lord, who heeded the prayer of repentance and delivered me from the grave sorrow and distress that befell me in the church at the beginning of Matins for a momentary feeling of hostility and evil suspicion regarding the serving priest, Father Peter Al. Klepachevsky. I repented then and received relief (while singing in the choir), but then the sin stung again, and then after Matins I went into the air and repented; Having arrived home and having been strengthened by faith and trust in the Lord, I prayed before the holy icons, and in an instant salvation and healing with peace and freedom in my heart shone from the Lord. Glory to the Lord! From now on let me not sin. April 21. Happy Friday. I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me from the devil’s anger against my brother Father Peter Klepachevsky at the end of Matins and during late mass. I repented from the soul, condemned myself sincerely, mercilessly in the madness of my heart and in absurd passion, asking for forgiveness, healing, deliverance, peace, boldness, freedom - and received everything from the Lord. Glory to the Lord! I have fallen repeatedly in repentance at the life-giving throne of grace, truly life-giving! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the prodigal, nasty thorn during a prayer service with Pavel Ivanovich Smirnov, a merchant, just before mass. I thank the Lord, who quenched in me the great storm of confusion, fear, indignation, crowdedness before the procession of the cross near Gostiny Dvor upon receiving unexpected news from the archpriest that he would not participate in the procession and would stay at home. The Lord gave me the grace to perform the prayer service boldly, loudly, calmly, with boldness in front of two priests, two deacons and two sextons and in front of a large crowd of people. Who is God? Is there no other 127 Save me, says God [Is.43:11]. And for the future, may he give me the courage to do good and loudly praise the holy name of the Lord. I thank the Lord for the clear, sonorous voice with which I proclaimed and proclaim His glory and with whom may I proclaim for a long, long time, may I glorify His countless mercies and His miracles in me and in all people, and thank Him and beg Him for the sins of mine and all His people. Amen. I thank the Lord for delivering me from absurd anger. To tell the truth, the rector of the cathedral, Father Pavel Trachevsky, and my second-ranking priest, Father Peter Klepachevsky, work very little in the parish, and receive disproportionately much for their work; the surplus that I have obtained and rightfully belongs to me, although some must certainly be given to replenish the necessary supplies: vestments, myrrh boxes, sprinklers, censers, binding or the purchase of necessary books: Service Books, Breviaries and others. (Two rubles for gold-cut binding.) Archpriest Father Pavel is easily, unceremoniously lazy and negligible 128 at the services: he does not want to go to many houses with a cross - he is very rich and well-fed. From the lips of an educated and competent person (gymnasium inspector Tsvetkov), I heard today a flattering review of my singing of mass, that I have a beautiful, sonorous voice and am fluent in it. God bless! May the name of the Lord be glorified through me, the indecent one! Today I sinned cruelly against myself, having dined twice at a party and at home (at a party: oranges, carrot pie, carrot porridge and some cheesecake and tea, and at home: cabbage soup with meat and roast with salad without bread) - and with this I burdened myself, especially my heart, which, like a dead and alien member, I could not sufficiently control and missed a few words when reading the Gospel of the Great Commandments to you... ( Matthew 28:19]. I must transform myself completely and become holy with the almighty means of sanctification given to us by the Lord in His Church. How can I still be a sinner? Why haven’t you been reborn, healed, renewed? I must completely clothe myself in the truth and holiness of Christ, in His meekness, humility, kindness, mercy, dispassion, courage and boldness, patience and long-suffering, obedience, abstinence, condescension. April 23. I thank the Lord, who heard my strong prayer during the liturgy for deliverance from opposing forces, and who delivered me from heart dryness and impotence, from sorrow and tightness, and who gave me the warmth of heartfelt tenderness, strength, peace and space with boldness. By the grace of God I completed the entire mass without stumbling. I sinned before the Lord and the Mother of God, before all the holy Angels and saints and all people, and before myself and before those whom I had offended, for I became furious and angry with the beggars for their begging and importunity, when I was returning home from the prayer service after mass; He said to them: oh, how tired I am of you, devils, etc., and in anger he tore out one of them by the hair. Forgive me, the repentant one, Lord, my severity, my obstinacy, [arrogance], brawling, hard-heartedness, stinginess, greed, voluptuousness, love of glory, insincerity, deceit. He gave alms to all the poor, although with grief and reluctantly (he sinned before the Lord). Evening, ten and a half o'clock. I thank the Lord, who saved me from an unchaste movement of my heart in the apartment of the headman Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin and set my foot on the path of truth and purity through the prayer of my repentance. Glory to Your holy, all-saving name, which I called with faith and by which I was saved; Glory to Your presence with us all days and in every place, Glory to Your good obedience! Glory to Your vigor and vigilance! Glory to Your immeasurable mercy! I sinned before the Lord by becoming angry with the poor and sending one of them to hell in anger. I repent of this, I take back my word, I ask forgiveness for my madness, for my insolence, pride, malice, stinginess, greed, lust, severity and hardness. April 24. On Monday, St. Thomas week, I received news from a courier that I had been awarded the Order of St. Anne of the third degree (the Order of wrangling, because the director of the gymnasium, expecting a bribe, did not want to present it to him, saying that the sovereign did not order anyone performing peaceful duties to be presented, but only those who had distinguished themselves in the military field; however, he presented it later when I decided to take my form from him). April 24. Monday of St. Thomas Week. I had just acted madly and impudently in regard to the Lord, Whose life-giving Mysteries I had received, staying for dinner with the headman and eating meats and all sorts of good things. Through this I have burdened myself with food and am teasing the prodigal demon, scratching the lustful passion that pesters me, but has not yet overcome me, thanks to the grace of God. There is a strong lustful temptation at night! Have mercy on me, God, have mercy on me! I thank the Lord, who took away from my heart last night malice, envy and hostility towards the proud maiden of Trachevskaya Catherine and gave me a Christian disposition towards her, as a member of Christ and mine, for we are all one body in Christ. Let hostility towards no one touch me. After early mass, removal and prayers. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy towards me this day: firstly, during Matins for deliverance from anger towards the archpriest, secondly, at the very beginning and during the early mass in the Duma from cramped conditions, cowardice and human fear (mass from N.G. Sidorov and F. Stepanov), especially after the Gospel, during which I prayed to the Lord for this (and He will do more [ John 14:12 ] - this is what I most prayed for the Lord to do in me today - and he did it, glory to Him!); at the end of the mass for deliverance from grief and cramped conditions after an intentional collision of chests with a Chukhon (before the prayer service at Evlampia, a former fisherman); after carrying out the deceased peasant woman for deliverance from violence, anger towards the sexton Zrelov, who came to the removal when I was not expecting him (the sexton Adrian was with me), and who seemed proud to me, and to whom I proudly and with embitterment gave an order, for which I deeply repented. So many times in the course of two hours the Lord raised me up, renewed me, revived me, resurrected me. Glory to His holy name, life-giving, saving! 25. Yesterday's sweets from the birthday girls brought me big misfortunes at night. Strictly avoid all sweets and all excess; During the day there was a moment of strong lustful inflamation during a conversation with a girl. Yesterday, the most merciful Lord again, through my prayer, raised me from guilt to justification, from spiritual death to life, from confusion to peace, from shame to boldness. I ran my hand across the face of a drunken beggar who had begged for money (fifteen kopecks) and drank away. The more sinful I am, the angrier, more suspicious, irritable, and distrustful I am, and the better my moral state, the more meek, forgiving, and peace-loving I am. Evil is strongly attached to evil. Today during matins I was extremely angry, suspicious, and proud of the abbot; evil scorched me, oppressed me, shamed me, killed me; I repented and fell before the throne of the Lord - and glory to His mercy! When I sincerely admitted the abyss of my sins and became lenient towards weaknesses and shortcomings, the sins of others and the abbot himself, the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace. Strange! In myself, that is, in me, there is an abyss of evil, and yet I hate others for their evil, real or apparent. Oh, terrible infection, terrible blindness of sin! Good customs support mutual good relations between neighbors, comrades, co-workers, superiors and subordinates. Apparently, it is not an important matter to come to congratulate a neighbor, comrade, co-worker, or boss on a holiday or on the day of the Angel, and this custom, heartily performed, renews, revitalizes and maintains mutual love and respect. Small things lead to great things, to the maintenance of love, and love is the fulfillment of the law. Failure to comply with these and similar everyday customs (for example, bowing in greeting when meeting) leads to a cooling of hearts, sometimes to the cessation of good relations and to enmity. Insignificant things often lead to important consequences, sometimes to very harmful ones. We all walk among the enemy's snares: our enemies often catch us doing trifles. God! Plant in our hearts sincere, unfeigned love, which endures everything and never falls away. Evening of April 25. Tuesday. I am in awe of the greatness of the miracles of God’s mercy towards me, a great sinner. This morning I was dead spiritually and extremely weak physically from yesterday's delicacy and satiety; It was like a worm was sucking my heart, like a drill was boring into my sides; the spiritual serpent sucked my heart; During mass I was languishing, but then, after communion of the Holy Mysteries and after the victory of all the machinations of the enemy, the spirit of despair and melancholy, I completely came to life, was resurrected, renewed, strengthened, healed; I felt so light, cheerful, spacious! Christ rose from the dead in me, trampling down my death by His death and granting me, who am in the tomb [flesh], life. Then the Lord had mercy on me through the prayer of zealous repentance with His wondrous mercy, granting me forgiveness, peace, boldness and freedom, delivering me from the sorrow, oppression, shame, heart disease that befell me for my rude and harshly obstinate treatment of the poor, especially one of them - fat and clumsy (I pushed him with contempt and anger several times quite strongly). 26. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of praising Him and His saints in His church during Matins and who delivered me from embitterment, confusion and cramped conditions (a decent carpet in the altar was not laid, and a worthless cloth rag was left, I thought, at the whim of the rector). He ordered the altar guard to lay out a good carpet - mine. Last night I saw the rector of the cathedral, Father Paul, at the funeral in a strange state (drunk), which I had never seen in reality, and dreaming of playing money at landsknecht (I hear that he likes to play cards, but that’s none of my business - I don’t judge him, I judge myself). 27. Be careful every day that your flesh does not take precedence over your spirit and lead you to sin, to passion. Do not turn my heart into words of wickedness, do not bear the guilt of sins 129 [Ps. 141:4]. I am guilty every day before God of the fact that I do not feel guilty about sins, I do not consider daily sinful habits to be sins: gluttony, lust, satiety, wine drinking, and therefore I do not correct myself from them, but become stagnant in them and add sins to sins. God! Have mercy on me, for I was wrong during the consecration of Thy servant Elisaveta P. Kalmykova: carnal, passionate feelings carried me away during the sacred anointing. How beautifully, Lord, You have created man, but also how pure, holy, unblasphemous, wise and all that is beneficial and useful! And I, the unclean one, am tempted, for I have accustomed my body to voluptuousness with daily delicacy, voluptuousness! We have sinned before You, Lord; we have all become obscene before You long ago! Father Pavel, our rector, was sweet, kind, and simple-hearted after I said my word on the removal of the shroud on Great Friday. Oh, if only he were always like this! Oh, if only I could always be towards him as I was at that hour! And it should be noted that he is a gentle old man, although he is very cunning and dexterous, cold-blooded and with composure wins a lot in all circumstances. 28. Friday I thank the Lord, who mercifully heard my prayer of repentance on the way to the gymnasium and delivered me from grief and cramped conditions for my harsh treatment of some beggars (children and adults). I sinned: I gave alms reluctantly, not with humility, not with joy, not diligently, not generously, but stingily, arrogantly, with sadness in my heart, carelessly, lazily. Is this how we should repay the Lord Himself? 29. I sinned gravely before the Lord, before the Mother of God, before the holy Angels and holy saints and before all people, offending a beggar today, tearing out his nose and hair for begging and unfaithfulness in using the money I gave him. He sinned with violent anger, rage, zeal, insolence, stinginess, love of money, untruth, pride, hatred, contempt, envy, greed, gluttony, lust. And he wounded and saddened his neighbor, created in the image and likeness of God, and at the same time severely wounded himself, bringing into himself hellish, destructive fire, as a consequence of falling away from God and the wrath of God. Insanely angry! You are cruelly offending yourself first! Have pity on yourself and your neighbors! Isn’t it a thousand times better to deal with sinners like you meekly, with patience and love, and not with anger and brutal rage? Where is the sense and reason? For a long time today fire and crowds tormented me for my anger and my insolence; for a long time I walked the streets in repentance; came home and still repented. I wrote this down in my memory book. But he has not yet completely freed himself from the consequences of anger due to rigidity in gluttony, for the heart of a glutton dies greatly and his spiritual life is not easily restored through repentance. How easy it became for me after prolonged repentance and after moving in the fresh air after Matins! I thank the Lord for this! But then I drank tea with cream and a roll, and it didn’t feel so easy anymore! What a blessing is abstinence! What lightness and freedom it brings to the soul! But I am addicted to food and drink and do not abstain from drinking tea and eating in the morning, although there is no urge to eat or drink! The Apostle wrote to the Corinthians [1.12:2]. I, too, as if driven by a sinful habit, go to the silent idol - the womb and sweets! I am a damned man! Cow butter and raw cream are hard on the stomach and heart. They must be consumed with extreme caution on permitted days. And fast breads are also a bit heavy, while lean ones are easier on the stomach and heart. 30. Resurrection. Do not eat broth at night - it gives you a prodigal fever. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His great and rich mercy during early mass for a single prayer of undoubted faith, to take away from Him with His life-giving right hand my great sorrow and oppression, to which I righteously suffered for my gluttony and gluttony and through the cunning of the enemy. At the great entrance I said the royal name boldly, but then the envious and warrior enemy raised a storm against me because of the white sacristan, which was arranged with half of my money and half of the surplus I collected from parishioners and non-parishioners, from those to whom our brethren either never go, or always omit out of negligence or ignorance, and therefore never belonged to the brethren. This is the property of the laity, which the Lord gave me through His cross and through my labors and [zeal]. I used part of it for the diaspora, and the other, most part, for the poor. For this reason the enemy rebelled against me and confused me, constrained me and deprived me of my boldness. After mass I got rid of the cramped conditions. I made a mistake in the first commemorations; I didn’t say the entire dismissal (I didn’t say the saints). On April 4, 1866, Karakozov attempted to assassinate Emperor Alexander II. By court verdict he was executed. Is it (church glory) - except, except. Neglect (French) – neglect one’s duties, be inattentive, careless. Translated by P. Yungerov: Do not turn my heart to evil words, to invent an excuse for sins (Ps. 141:4).