Март 1878 года

March 1st. Today, during Matins, I was immensely indignant at the ethereal enemies because of my impatience, firstly, by the smell of tobacco in the church from the sexton Zrelov, and secondly, by the untimely lighting of candles at the local icons when I left the altar for prayers: the enemy hurt me greatly, for a long time, throughout the entire Matins until the first hour. I am a cowardly fool: I do not tolerate the stench of tobacco in church (and nothing in the gymnasium), which is, after all, the smell of a burnt plant, but I allow the stench of anger, hostility, impatience, cowardice, and despondency into my soul; Which stench is more disgusting to God: plant stench or spiritual stench, the stench of malice and impatience, voluptuousness? Of course the last one! So, let me abhor and not tolerate in myself the stench of my passions in the least, and let me be more lenient and patient towards the stench of tobacco, and not call it a demonic stench, thus condemning all smoking humanity, for among those who smoke there are also very good, pious people. Yes, I run around with the stench of passions. He did not say the dismissal at the Midnight Office because of the devil’s embarrassment: the old woman stood with a candle in the middle of the solea, and the chandelier was lowered at the royal doors (now the enemy made a strong crack in the bookcase, I could not say the litany, confused from embarrassment, the other litany (the small one) and all the litanies at Matins - the enemy broke me all up; I prayed, fell often to throne, sighed, groaned, struggled like a fish on ice. I think that, by the way, because of yesterday’s gluttony in the evening (one and a half soft prosfir with sweet tea, then sweet jelly) today I experienced severe temptations, and because of Father Timothy, who was standing in the church, who spent the night with me (he was a converted schismatic). nervous. The enemy humiliated me, shamed me to the end. However, it is good that in the end I unfailingly said the prayers of Ephraim the Syrian, Christ, True Light and all release, boldly looking at the people. In the evening. I thank the Lord, who took away from my heart the fierce and prolonged sorrow at the beginning of the daily service (hours with vespers and mass) through my persistent prayer. For the sake of His Most Pure Blood, shed for the world and for me, the Lord had mercy on me and healed me, my soul. For her sake I asked the Sweetest Lord to have mercy on me. It was the same at Compline. How much torment and languor there was before the pardon! The watchman and the singers saw this! English jam is useful: it relieves and gives lightness to the body. Bavarian kvass too. Use them for the glory of God [this phrase is crossed out, and above it is inscribed – Ed. ]: Because of him, he suffered greatly during Matins the next day from demons. March 2. Thursday. I thank You, Lord, for yesterday and the third day and further ago you were with me and sovereignly delivered me from the evil adversary - and in the past 114 do not forsake me, Lord, by Your mercy, being present and saving and strengthening my weakness in the fight against enemies. After Matins. During it today I experienced grave temptations and violence from ethereal enemies for my delicacy and intemperance last night: the enemy embarrassed, frightened, shamed, oppressed me, not allowing me to pronounce the litany; I was afraid to use the effort, thinking that I wouldn’t be able to stand it, I’d be shocked and wouldn’t get it all out. But he said the entire prayer to Christ, the true Light; when he said goodbye, he boldly looked at the people, although he did not say all the saints (namely: the Monk Joseph the Songwriter and the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky). The amazing audacity of the devil: it forces us to remain silent and not to proclaim the glory of God, to the Mother of God, not to pray for high spiritual and worldly authorities, not to ask for the spiritual benefits we need from the Lord. O multi-devious villain! I have known and will know [you] from your deeds, from your dirty tricks in me and in people. O universal villain! Go, in the name of the Lord, to your Tartarus and there endure within yourself the torment you deserve! Amen. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with great mercy after Matins, when I, wounded and embarrassed by the enemy after the memorial service of Matrona Fedorovna Petrova, fell humbly to His throne, in repentance, with faith and hope in His mercy and merits before the Father, asking for deliverance, which I received completely. And how the adversary burned and oppressed me and tormented me! I couldn't find a place for myself! And all morning he embarrassed and oppressed me. I thank the Lord, for until now I have not yet fainted from the wiles of the enemy, strengthened by the grace of God. Grant me, Lord, always to be bold, especially in serving You before a large people, for especially at this time and in the presence of a crowd, the enemy outrages me, weak and sinful. How much grace, God’s love for me, a sinner, strength, deliverance and salvation is in the Cross! The victim suffered for all my sins and abominations, accepted dishonor for all my dishonorable and nasty passions, shed blood and water to wash and cleanse me from them and sanctify me with them! How much mercy and favor there is in the Cross for me, a sinner, unworthy and indecent! I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to offer the unfailingly great litany at the Hours and the Petitionary Litany and all the prayers of St. Ephraim and Dismissal, and also at Compline to read with feeling the Great Canon, although not everywhere, for the enemy, having deeply implanted in me through long-term practice the roots of sin, defeated me in some verses, tearing words and feelings out of my heart and implanting vain fear that deadens the soul. I thank Yakov Apollonovich Hildebrandt 115, who inspired me to pronounce all the words of the canon more accurately, clearly, and completely. And the sexton reads well according to my and his, Hildebrandt’s, suggestion. Let the Lord be the glory in everything. Today I didn't have dinner until six o'clock in the evening. What deep and numerous ulcers sin has created within me! I am horrified at the sight of them, and if the Lord had not been my Physician, I would have perished forever from them. But now the Lord heals them daily, having mercy on me, the repentant one! Who enters into the depths of the heart with his consciousness in order to see all the ugliness of his sinful soul, its poverty, nakedness, blindness, damnation? Few people, for almost everyone lives outwardly, caring about daily needs, and not about the only needs. Every person is a lie [Ps. 116:2], a lie in the depths of his soul, in his thoughts, in his aspirations, inclinations, habits, passions, enterprises, words, deeds! All of you have turned aside, and together you have been without the keys: do no goodness [Ps. 13:3]. March 3. Sweet coffee in the evening caused me great anxiety at night due to prodigal inflammation. That same day I forgot what I sang and read in church, that is, that it is inevitably necessary to fast in order to avoid passions and cleanse the soul and please the Lord, leaving the voluptuousness of the flesh. Alas for me, inattentive, careless about my salvation, lazy, voluptuous, stubborn, hard-hearted, money-loving, greedy! I noticed that my feeling, or heart, from voluptuousness and gluttony had become hardened, hardened, and became insensitive to my countless sins, which thus became as if natural and legal, for example, pleasing the belly: it became for me an idol, a god, to whom I usually made daily sacrifices of gluttony, drunkenness, sweets, and I was hard-hearted towards the poor, although I gave small alms to many every day, sometimes, however, very reluctantly. After Matins on March 3, Friday. I thank the Lord, who showed me the winner against the invisible enemies during Matins, for they tried to cast me down and numb me during the pronouncing of the litanies, the prayers of St. Ephraim and dismissals, but they could not, for the Lord strengthened me through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother. Amen. I served in a solemn voice, especially read the canon and sang sweet stichera. Yesterday, the Great Canon of St. Andrew of Crete, by the grace of God and the Mother of God and by his compulsion, I read heartily and to Glory, and now I stumbled a little. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to eat almost only once a day, at six o’clock in the evening (on Thursday morning, I ate only two bites of white bread with tea). Grant, Lord, to succeed in abstinence, to purify your heart and to please you and your people to please you. Wake up! On holidays, the priest, or the Holy Church, addresses the people with the word and gospel of mercy and salvation, so necessary and so comforting for every repentant sinner. For this mercy and salvation, the Holy Church most of all prays to the Lord on behalf of the people. Lord, have mercy or Save, O God, Thy people... March 4th. I thank the Lord, who has surprised me even today with His infinite goodness and power and who has delivered me from the fierce temptations of the fighter and enemy of the devil during Matins and early mass with the communicants. Oh, how he confused, oppressed, broke, tore into pieces, and all because of selfish thoughts and desires (albeit for a moment). Yakov Apollonovich Hildebrant, having confessed, did not give for confession, and as soon as I thought about it and doubted the return, I was killed in my soul by the enemy. Science. The priest must have all his treasure in the Lord: He is everything to him - life, treasure, strength, beauty, peace, boldness, freedom, wisdom, glory, prosperity, heavenly life on earth. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace and strength to confess yesterday to 220 people from two o’clock to ten in the evening. By God's grace I was not tired; went to bed at twelve o'clock, got up at four and a half o'clock in the morning lightly and cheerfully. I had dinner at ten and a half o'clock in the evening, but I shouldn't have had dinner. I see in myself a shadow, a mask, a mask, a ghost of a person, and not the person himself. So there is a lot of sin, lies, lawlessness, perversion of the Divine order in me. I see the same thing in many, many others, truly speaking: there is so much perversion of the order of things in people. God! Guide us on Your path, to walk in Your truth; grant that we all fear Your holy name and do Your will in everything. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who at that moment saved me from the melancholy and oppression of sin (about running away from the beggar outside the gate, as I thought), when I cried out to Him in repentance, believing that He is the abyss of mercy and will have mercy on me. Indeed, He has now had mercy and healed my soul. The Church is truly heaven, especially the altar, and the priest must leave at the altar every earthly desire that kills the life of the spirit in him and separates him from Christ, from His grace, from the work of His salvation, from His entire economy, from love for Him and for the humanity He saves. From the corruptible beauties, sweets, and riches of the world, always ascend to the imperishable, eternal beauty, the sweetness of God, and delight in it alone and [adorn yourself] as holy, incorruptible, beloved, life-long, all-sufficient, all-satisfying. By turning to worldly sweets, I acquired a sinful habit of them, and while serving God they manifest themselves in me in an extremely tempting and painful way; they constitute, as it were, my members, my life, my treasure. My idol makes me an enemy of God, a stranger to Him. The same must be said about money, as it serves to satisfy all the lusts of the flesh, and about earthly glory. But whoever is a friend of the world is an enemy of God. Lord Jesus! May all the nations of the world know You, such goodness, sweetness, life, salvation, eternal glory, strength, beauty, wisdom! Call them to Your knowledge and be known, Lord, by the minds and hearts of all Christians, for many who call themselves Orthodox do not know You, pathetic ones, because they did not look for You and did not feel You within themselves. If you want to truly know what man became after falling into sin, how he became impoverished, dishonored, darkened, killed in his soul, and what the Son of God became for perishing humanity, what the most perfect, greatest good deed, Savior, treasure, wealth of deliverance, purification, sanctification, salvation, strength, what decoration, His nobility, what shrine, truth, life - read more often with attention canon and akathist to the Sweetest and canon and akathist to the Mother of God. The miracle how wisely, beautifully and at the same time simply depicts in them all the wealth, all the greatness of God’s benefits and especially the God-man Jesus Christ to the human race. Oh, if all nations knew what Jesus Christ did for them! Wake up! Wake up! Amen. March 4. 1878. Those who were baptized into Christ, put on Christ [Gal.3:27]. What wealth, what power in these words, what consolation! Those who were baptized into Christ put on Him, His holiness, truth, grace, power, love, wisdom, His meekness, compassion and mercy, His patience, long-suffering, forbearance, His eternal life. By incomparable advantage, His Most Pure Mother clothed herself in Christ, whose holiness, truth, grace, love, meekness, mercy, strength, long-suffering, and forbearance are incomparable. So let us meditate about Her and with such thoughts, with such faith, let us constantly resort to Her, with pure hearts. Five o'clock in the morning. March 5th. From the fish I ate yesterday and from the sweet tea at night, I felt a strong temptation for fornication. Do not eat fish or drink sweet tea for the sake of chastity and purity. March 6. Resurrection. Week of Orthodoxy. After yesterday’s fiery prayer, which irritated the enemy, today at Matins and early mass I was subjected to the most severe temptations: I missed a lot in the Gospel when reading it due to the violence of the enemy; when saying absolution, too, Christ, the true Light - a few words (correct your feet...), but the enemy especially evilly and violently tempted me at the great entrance, having first confused me with lustful thoughts and involuntary feelings, like a fast river that drowned me: I could not pronounce the names of the empress and the heir. I thank the Lord, who saved me for my repentance from the sin of obstinacy and hard-heartedness towards the poor. March 6. In the morning. I thank the Lord, who had mercy and healed me during Matins from a feeling of hostility towards the abbot, when I cried out from the depths of my heart to the Lord for mercy on my unworthiness. Behold, even this day the Lord has renewed His mercy towards me. Glory! Bless and transmit and teach my letters and what is in them, Lord, as a blessing and thanksgiving to You, the all-generous and abundantly merciful! Because of sweet tea, I was subjected to prodigal mental overpowerment from the ethereal enemy during the most holy, most heavenly, all-saving, terrible liturgy (March 5 on Sunday) during the Cherubic Song and the Great Entrance; I was extremely embarrassed, I could not overcome the hesitator and, through a prayer of repentance to the Lord, I could not speak at the great entrance the names of the royal family, and meanwhile yesterday and today I drank sweet tea again. What unbridledness of the flesh! What uncontrollable voluptuousness! May I not drink sweet tea during Lent, may I put a bridle on myself, may I deceive the enemy by abstinence, as the church stichera puts it (Monday of the 2nd week of Lent. Triodion of stichera 116). If you want to hear how the Holy Spirit intercedes for us with groanings that cannot be uttered [Rom. 8:26], so that we may all be corrected and saved, go to church every day and listen to church readings and singing, especially stichera and canons (with stichera) for a whole year, and you will see this wondrous, loving, powerful intercession of the Comforter, and you will be filled with the greatest hope in the mercy of the Lord and ineffable consolation. What wisdom, warmth, ardor, strength, purity, truth of God in all the readings and chants! What stony heart will not soften from them, what greatest sinner will not come to tenderness and repentance?! What sinful impurity will not be cleansed from such repentant, wise, fiery prayers?! Sinners! Flow often to the church as to a doctor’s office, and you will be healed and saved. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the charm of harmful sin in the apartment of Pavel Stepanovich Burachok at ten o’clock in the evening and who later gave me the grace to pray to Him and the Lady with five of us (five people). Grant, O Lord, what we ask, to destroy in us the deception of the enemy, throughout the whole world, in the Christian, Judaizing and pagan world. Eleven o'clock in the evening upon arrival from Pavel Stepanovich. March 7. Do not be afraid and do not be ashamed, due to the action of the enemy, to confess loudly before all people, no matter how many and whoever they may be, in a church or in some other public place, to confess the venerable name and magnificent glory of our God, glorified in the Trinity, and the Most Pure Mother of God and all the holy friends of God, especially when, turning to the west and facing the people, you say dismissal. Don’t remember your sins that Satan brings to your memory - the Lord has forgiven them and will forgive them, especially if you haven’t done them for a long time. Here he is released, and the devil says: but I will bind you and will not let you go. March 7. This evening I did the greatest stupid thing, that, in one place, having eaten oranges, mushrooms, a Lenten pie with rice and onions and tea, upon arriving home I ate a full meal of peas with black breadcrumbs and two or three smelts. This made me feel very heavy: my stomach tightened. I made a big movement through the air, then it only became easier. I sinned before the Lord and against myself! And this is during Great Lent, when every day I read and sing in the church choir about the need and saving power of fasting! How many contradictions I have! How many times every day do I anger the Lord! March 8. I thank the Lord, who raised me up healthy from sleep (after the bath) and [sent] me to the morning praise, although I was late, arriving at the ninth song of the canon. I thank the Lord for the salvation that has been shown to me many times. For March 1st. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the greatness of His salvation from fierce sorrows through faith in His Blood, shed for the world and for me (over the clock on Wednesday in the first week of Lent). The tribulation continued from the beginning of Matins until the sixth hour. I have sinned and am sinning greatly before the Lord in the divine service itself, for often I performed many prayers, hymns, thanksgivings and petitions insincerely, irreverently, fearfully, with little faith, stumbling, as well as ritual actions. Have mercy, Lord, forgive, Lord, do not remember, Lord! During the holidays of church services, all the Sacraments, and prayers, the priest turns his face to people with a word of mercy and salvation from the Lord, a salvation that is so necessary and comforting for us, who are worthy of all punishment for our sins. This word and this ritual inspires us with good hope. Even until now, I, the accursed one, love what I should despise, that is, the flesh, which kills what should live forever - the soul in the image and likeness of God. We are madmen: we add corruption to corruption. It’s a pity to give what is our own, but we are greedy to accept someone else’s; our piece in someone else’s hands seems large, and we feel sorry for it, but someone else’s piece in our hands seems small, and we are annoyed that we didn’t take enough: oh, small! - we say. Have an independent character, fearing no one in the right matter of prayer and teaching. If the disembodied enemy confuses you with a reminder of your sins, tell him: I have sinned with God, I will give an answer to Him, and not to you, and I know that He is merciful and forgives sins and iniquities in abundance, will forgive me and deliver me from all my iniquities. We condemn our brothers and leaders, sometimes we treat them with hostility, but how can we make them better? Isn't it worse? God alone can correct us, our shortcomings, make us better, and let us pray to Him with love for our brethren and for ourselves. How many powers of goodness and salvation have been revealed by the Lord my God in my inner world! How many times and how many sins, voluntary and involuntary, are forgiven every day! How many slander and evil wiles of the devil have been destroyed by the name, power and gift of my Lord Jesus Christ in the Holy Spirit! If we sum up the blessings of God every day, they are countless. God bless! There is no number of known and obvious benefits, but how many are unknown and hidden! – they also outnumber! Glory to the infinite God! March 9. On the occasion of the gift of silk cloth for the cassock. God! I thank You for the gift of Your bounty, but let my heart not cleave to anything other than You, but let me strive most of all for the salvation of my soul and the souls of men, so desired by You and redeemed at such a high price by Your most pure blood. When doing good, for example, performing God's service, who or what should you be afraid or ashamed of? – No one and nothing but God. Meanwhile, the devil often frightens and shames me during the service with his ghosts, while when I commit sin, this all-evil enemy takes away the fear and shame of God, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and the holy saints of God. May I always dare by the grace of God when doing God’s work, may I always do it with a clear conscience, may I cast off false shame and fear. Although I am a sinner, there is only one God without sin; God does not reject a repentant sinner, but accepts him kindly, like a prodigal son. (Dismissals facing west and prayers.) Our heart is stupid: if we fulfill its whims, it can cleave to expensive and shiny trinkets and leave our God and care for the only thing we need - about our soul, about its salvation from sin and torment. Therefore, we must despise the flesh and the world and everything beautiful, sweet, and precious in the world, so that our soul may cleave entirely to God, the only incorruptible treasure. 10. What am I looking for in eating and drinking sweet tea in the morning? There is no real need at this time, my strength is fresh, yet when I drink and eat, I always feel an immoderate and inappropriate heat and a heaviness in my stomach and throughout my body. Why am I servile to a stupid custom and habit to the detriment of my soul and body? Is there any point here? No. May I acquire the strong will not to eat anything in the morning, but to drink only one glass of tea. We allow ourselves to eat fish during Lent and think or say: it’s nothing. Like nothing? Didn’t the Holy Church allow fish during Lent without any reason? No, for a very important reason, precisely because of the effect of fish food on the passions of the flesh. I myself have experienced many times its harmful effects in this regard. On Friday, during the second week of fasting, I ate fish in the evening, and at night I had prodigal dreams. So, the prohibition of fish during Lent is based on the strict law of consequences: in a certain case, eating fish will certainly result in bad consequences for a Christian, revival, and intensification of carnal passions. I don't eat fish anymore. Give, Lord! Why do I allow the devil to spit in my heart or stain it with the devil’s all-smelling, all-corrupting feces? Why do I allow him to vomit his poison into my heart? Do I have meaning and sense? God! Spare me from his dirty tricks. 11. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy and give communion to more than two hundred people. It was morally difficult for me to serve due to a long period of non-service (five days) and the temptations of the enemy: my heart was cold, callous, dead. After communion he became animated. At the great entrance I was confused by the cunning of the enemy. This really hurt me. Through the prayer of repentance he revived. I thank the Lord, who showed me help during prayers in the [new] torpedo artillery workshop. I thank the Lord for the miracles of the goodness and power of God in me during the celebration of the all-night vigil in the cathedral, for tears of tenderness and softening of the heart, for taking away callousness, for deliverance from sorrows and misfortunes, especially for deliverance from the fierce sorrow and oppression that happened while reading the Gospel and after reading from the violence (embarrassment) of the enemy and fear of him, also at the end of the all-night vigil (for failure to reprimand the dismissal and prayers to Christ, the true Light). March 12. Resurrection. Cook me with the fire of the Holy Spirit, so that I may be cleansed from all sin, as I cooked the holy apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and all the saints. God! I appeal to You: hear and have mercy on me, saving me completely from all-destroying sin. Why does my embarrassment and bewilderment occur during worship, especially with a large crowd of people with secular polish and attire? This happens from a false, low concept of oneself, from distrust of oneself (and you need deep, unshakable trust), from the consciousness of one’s sins (but who is without sin? Christ came to save sinners, the humble, the faithful, the repentant), from some kind of sophisticated distrust of faith, of service, and from vanity, man-pleasing, and false shame. One must have unconditional courage, faith and hope in every divine service. Grant me, Lord, a peaceful, deep, sincere feeling of love, unchanging, firm, unshaken by anything. For until now I had not had such a feeling; I changed like a kaleidoscope. I thank the Lord, who heard the prayer of my repentance and now delivered me from the oppression and sorrow of sin, who took away from my heart hostility towards my family for their sins and poured meekness and kindness into my heart with tenderness and peace. Glory to Thee, gracious and quick to obey, Lord, gracious and beneficial! You have always been like this towards me, and I always praise You, the God of my salvation. March 12. Resurrection. After mass. Today the Lord surprised me with His mercy and power before the liturgy, during the liturgy, especially after the great entrance, at which I was somewhat embarrassed, stumbled, and was wounded, when the Lord pacified my heart, healed my soul, wounded by the serpent, and finally after the communion itself, which revived me, consoled me, strengthened me, and finally after the communion of children, some of whom were dirty and those who cried, I inwardly despised and did not love. Having repented of this stupid, hostile, selfish and self-righteous feeling, I received permission from the Lord and deliverance from cramped conditions, sorrow, and shame. How proud I am! And more and more because of frequent gluttony! A glutton cannot be a god-pleaser. This is an axiom, it is as true as two and two make four. It is remarkable that both yesterday during the all-night vigil, and today during mass, when the grace of God cleansed and renewed me, my voice became especially clear, heartfelt, sympathetic, and loud. Glory to the grace of God, useful for everything. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate Sunday Vespers with a solemn, loud, clear voice, without stumbling, and with great boldness. This is the fruit of communion of the Holy Mysteries and the bold preaching of the word of God during the liturgy. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform two baptisms solemnly, boldly, peacefully, sweetly: in the church and in the apartment of Dr. Shvonk, at his son-in-law, Matthew Konstantinovich Gerard, in front of officers and ladies in public. This is the fruit of communion of the life-giving Mysteries. Glory to Your Mysteries, renewing and uplifting my spirit, striking my ethereal enemies and putting them to flight. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening, March 12th. Glory to Thee, Lord our God! Before the christening, I prayed to the Lord, that he would allow me to perform them for His glory with a solemn voice. And be it. Addiction to the beautiful, although perishable, things of this world has a murderous effect on the heart, depriving the grace of God that enlivens our hearts, the peace of God, freedom of spirit, freezing the heart, confusing and oppressing. So it was with me yesterday for a moment at mass, when I thought about the silk material given to me for my cassock (fay 117), but I immediately recognized the machinations of the enemy and with all my heart I rushed to the Lord, the physician of my soul, my incorruptible robe, my incorruptible beauty, my only treasure, my only acquisition, to my true eternal life - and was immediately healed from the disease of corruption. I thank the Lord for your help against invisible enemies during yesterday’s services, for I asked the Lord for this before mass and especially the Most Holy Lady, and I was not left in shame: I served safely, solemnly, and victoriously all day. Glory to the Lord, mighty in battle! Behold, almost every day I eat the [crossed], long-suffering, pure, incorruptible Body of my Lord Jesus Christ and drink His suffering Blood. God! Deliver me from corruption, from the passions of this world, by Your Blood, in which is my whole life, all my beauty, my drink, my treasure, my love. March 13. Monday. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to suffer a lot during the Matins from evil demons for my addiction to perishable things (silk fabric cut from duckweed) and then sovereignly and mercifully delivered me for my faith, for my hope in His mercy and power and for my repentance by often and diligently falling at the throne of grace. Before the canon, I conducted the service badly, in confusion, frustration, fire, cramped conditions, and demonic shame. At the canon he triumphed by the grace of God. Glory to God the deliverer. What is required of a priest is angelic dispassion, heavenly wisdom, seraphim love for God, complete disgust from all lawlessness, perfect righteousness, for he bears the rank of angel, stands before the throne of God and performs the heavenly Mysteries of Christ. I think that yesterday my gluttony and drinking wine (champagne at the christening and then at Paraskeva Ivanovna’s in Gerasimov’s house) was the reason for such a difficult, but righteous temptation that befell me during Matins today (March 13). In addition, I drank with non-Orthodox people, clinking glasses with them. Beware. Night of the 14th. Woe to me from voluptuousness and satiety: from sweet tea, from eating fish (sardines), honey, although a small amount, I was subjected to a bad dream at night. I stood up and immediately began a prayer of repentance. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness. Damned, worldly, disobedient, we neglect the statutes of the Church and the commandments of our Lord and God and Savior Jesus Christ. Now is Great Lent, and we don’t have fasting - most people eat meat, and from eating meat, of course, everyone is infested with carnal passions. We say: why did the war drag on and drag on for a long time? Why do our British enemies prevent us from enjoying the fruits of our victories? Why? - Because we do not have the fruits of faith, the fruits of virtue, purity, chastity, abstinence, obedience to the Church. We live unbridled, depraved lives. Are the British delaying in enjoying the fruits of victories won with the blood of Russian soldiers? No, our passions, our iniquities prevent us from enjoying the fair fruits of victories. Let us all turn to God with unfeigned repentance, curb our many-passionate flesh, take up the work of charity diligently - and then we will see how all our enemies disappear like smoke. Shepherds! You must have some verbal salt for people! Heal the corruption of people with the word of preaching, call people to reconciliation with the angry Divine, to contrition, to tears, and be an example in this yourself. Amen. March 14. Do not be discouraged, giving alms almost all day long: for it there is a great reward from the Lord. The benefits of fasting for the soul are perfectly expressed in the canons and stichera of Great Lent, in the Lenten Triodion, especially on Tuesday of the Third Week. What repentance, or a model of repentance in them for us sinners! They can move anyone to repentance! 15. I thank the Lord, who did not allow me to eat fish yesterday as a special change in the table, but to be content with cabbage soup with mushrooms and buckwheat porridge, which, although initially heavy, immediately lost its heaviness after tea. There was no prodigal restlessness at night, thanks to the non-eating of fish. Please, Lord, don't eat it. Love your neighbor as yourself [Matthew 22:39]. This means: wish him well as much as you wish for yourself, pray for the living and the dead as you pray for yourself, just as diligently and fervently, so that the Lord forgives their sins and grants some correction of their lives, advancement in faith and Christian life, and others forgiveness of sins and repose with the saints; rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep [Rom.12:15], weep sincerely. Why do you voluntarily give yourself up as food to the disembodied enemy, fearing his barking 118, his fear when the lay people praying in the church [rise up] from the ground at the end of Lenten Compline, and do not pronounce forgiveness, which is so important for those who repent and fast? Rise up by the grace of God, do not be afraid and say everything. Give, Lord! I thank the Lord for the abyss of mercy and power that was revealed in me during the service of Matins, Hours and Compline yesterday; from what terrible mental lions the Lord, by His mercy, delivered me! With what cruelty they tormented my soul, confused, scorched, oppressed, devoured at the top of my lungs! But the Lord came and plucked me out of their mouths, driving them far away! Glory to the Lord for this! March 15. Wednesday. I thank the Lord for the powers of salvation of His right hand, the powers that were manifested and acted in me many times during Matins and after Matins and the prayer service at Al. Fedorovich Grigoriev, when I stole my leave due to the action of the devil and my fearful skill and was hurt by the enemy for that. I prayed to the Lord for healing - and I was healed by His power. God bless! I thank the Lord, who surprised me many times during the liturgical hours of the 3rd, 6th and 9th, Vespers and the Liturgy of the Presanctified with His greatest mercies in delivering me from severe sorrows: the first time for severity and blasphemous words towards the poor (haven’t your guts burst - about the tattering of their lower and upper clothes), the second time - for not pronouncing the last part of the saint’s prayer Ephraim the Syrian, for the third time for failure to reprimand the release of the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky and for the fourth time for failure to reprimand the release after a prayer service with the officer’s wife Mamyakina. The sorrow and oppression were extreme at all times, and the Lord delivered me from it through the prayer of faith and repentance, for the sake of His Blood, shed for the world and for me and which can cleanse all sin. My wife is amazingly blind and conniving regarding her sister, the [insolent] widow Anna K., excuses all sorts of dirty tricks and evil scholasticism against me and does not stop the daring antics against me, either her or her children. Today, upon my arrival home, her children, according to her teaching, deliberately started a cat concert to irritate me, and at least she said a word. If I had said that, there would have been a quarrel on their part immediately. [That's why] they called me. I went away and told the Lord my offense and my sorrow. May He judge them. Oh, most ungrateful animals! They are finished according to their deeds. But return, Lord, my wife’s heart to me! She is of one mind in wickedness and malice with her sister. I thank the Lord for the great boldness with which I served the hours, Vespers and Presanctified Mass, for my glorious, pure voice. God! Teach me to always overcome evil with goodness and, seeing malice in those at home or outsiders, bitterly, with love, feel sorry for those infected with it and with love pray for them to You, the Knower of the Heart, Shepherd and Visitor of our souls, and, seeing the immeasurable playfulness, disobedience and mockery of children spoiled by their mother and aunt, with tears to pray to You for this inexperienced or just beginning to do evil age, May you remove them from here before they are completely corrupted, like the children of Elijah, Hophni and Phinehas, or may you remove one of the two, so that there will be no more guilt of immeasurable self-indulgence. For, if in such young years (seven and six years old) they are filled with all kinds of evil: disobedience and cursing of the mother and aunt herself, disobedience to me and ridicule of me, not to mention the servants and outsiders, at whom they often laugh, and even beat the servants (Anyutka), then what can be expected from them in more mature years? God! May I not bring up evil with my bread and all the abundant food and drink in my house, but bring them out from me, so that the guilt for them will not be on me, or take them, take them in childhood into Your most pure hands, before evil grows in them. Amen. March 15, 1878. Bless my wife Elizabeth, Lord! She has a certain share of goodness, she is trusting of her sister, who is extremely cunning and full of evil, lives completely outside the spirit of piety out of ignorance and according to the direction given at first by her parents and the society in which she lived, who armed all her relatives against herself and meanwhile considers them guilty against herself, and not herself against them. Out of pride, we become embittered at our neighbors who offend us in some way or oppose us in some way; a Christianly sound soul is unshakable in love for such people, for it loves not itself, but others in itself and pities those who have fallen under evil, as if they were suffering from a serious, fatal illness. We think of taking revenge with our malice on those who offend us or those who are guilty against us, but instead we take revenge on ourselves, we punish ourselves, and we rebel those who offend us even more against ourselves by our malice towards them. Revenge evil with love, goodwill and favors. You will do both yourself and them true good through this. I thank the Lord, who softened the very, very heart of my wife after my tearful prayer at home and in church and again at home about the insult from my sister Anna Tsvetkova and her children. I hope that her heart was humbled and touched. Oh, speak in her heart, Lord! You are always with us, testing hearts and wombs. 16. The adversary sows anger in me against my sister Anna and her children, inciting them to commit dirty tricks against me, to daring antics and laughing at their own stupidities, but I endured them with the grace of God yesterday, although indignation boiled against them in my heart. But grant me, Lord, the spirit of humility, patience and love, and to endure, forgive and love these instruments of the devil’s machinations. They won't do the dirty work until the end. God is my witness. May there not be a shadow of evil in me against them, may the adversary be put to shame with his intrigues. I will pray for them, so that they do not perish, and so that I myself do not suffer for their sake. Yes, I pay attention to myself: is there not anger hidden in the depths of my soul against my sister and her children? Then they will not completely obey me and will be completely corrupted, and I will be constantly in sin, and the grace of God will leave me; Let not a grain of poppy be angry in me against my offenders. Why is my heart troubled at the memory of them or at the sight of them these two days? Because the love for them in my heart has dried up. Receive it from God again, ask for it with tears, say: grant me, Lord, to love those who stray into the iniquity of sin, especially these little ones. Love is a corrective, life-giving, perfecting force. Saint John the Theologian and the young robber 119. I thank the Lord, who through a little prayer took away from my heart the oppressive and deadening enmity towards my mother and her children (household) who troubled me and who bestowed love for them. Oh priceless feeling of love! Never leave me. You have life-giving power, corrective, perfecting, connecting power, while in enmity there is corrupting, corrupting, dividing power. Get away from low self-esteem - the source of enmity, hostility, anger. What evils can come from offended pride! March 16. With God's help, I served the entire morning with boldness, without stumbling, loudly, with all my heart, but in the end, at the first hour, while saying the prayer to Christ, the True Light and for Letting Go, the bodiless enemy caught me with his hook, confused me, wounded me, knocked me off my feet (spiritually) with the thought that Kazantsev, the clerk of the English consuls, would tell them my prayer against the British in general about punishing them for their pride, wickedness, indignation, beating Orthodox Christians through godless Turks. This was while reading the canon, in which in one place I inserted the name of the English. The enemy then tormented me greatly, but when I repeatedly fell to the throne in repentance, the Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from the deadly poison of the serpent. I thank the Lord. I was afraid of my outburst against the British, because the English consuls in Kronstadt, Maynard and Fishwick, gave me money for the poor before Easter and Christmas. But now I have suffered for my trick, and the machinations of the enemy have been destroyed. My prayer, however, was righteous, and if it weren’t for Kazantsev, I would not have been embarrassed, but would have been triumphant. Evening, eleven o'clock. This day was a day of great victory by the grace of God over the enemies of our salvation and personally over my bodiless enemies: I solemnly, without stumbling, loudly performed Matins, Hours and Compline; There were strong temptations from demons, but the grace of God overcame all their intrigues in me, even at Compline I said an animated last prayer as I fell into the ground and said forgiveness, which I could not say for a long time before. After Compline there was a prayer service before the image of the Mother of God “Intercessor from the troubles of the afflicted” 120; I stumbled on it at the end of the Gospel, and through this I embarrassed and deeply wounded the enemy, but the Lord healed this wound too by faith in His Blood, shed for the world and for me. Glory to the Lord about everything. 17. I sinned against the Lord by eating sardines twice yesterday: at twelve o’clock in the afternoon and in the evening at nine o’clock at Brown’s. From the fish, although light, at night there was again a strong lustful urge (that’s what fish food and animal food in general means!), and heat in the stomach, and a dry and unpleasant sensation in the mouth. Don't eat fish while fasting! Yesterday I was prospered by the grace of God precisely from abstinence and from fasting, only plant food. How important and useful fasting is in life according to God! Yesterday during the hours (at the sixth hour) I did not pronounce the last part of the prayer of St. Ephraim because my thoughts focused on the person of the merchant Fyodor Stepanovich Gerasimov, which means that from partiality I sinned against the Lord! But God does not look at the face of man [Gal.2:6] and does not command us: before Him all are equal, just as all sinners. And we, damned ones, keep our eyes peeled! With what maternal, tender and holy love the Holy Church protects our souls and bodies, appointing frequent fasts for them, and to many this, out of ignorance, seems to be a restriction of their freedom! Meanwhile, through abstinence and fasting, she wants to give us the broadest spiritual freedom, for intemperance enslaves our spirit to the body, its passions and lusts, and burdens the body itself and exposes it to disease. What great spiritual freedom all the holy fathers, who fasted throughout their lives, enjoyed, what clarity of spirit, thought, and body! It was an angelic life, on earth in heaven. Many of us, if not all, have no idea how sweet such a life is in the spiritual sense! They oppressed and depressed the flesh in every possible way, and for this they rewarded themselves with freedom and purity of spirit. What spiritual contemplations they always had! What virtues! What faith, hope and love for God and neighbors! This is not the case in hearts devoted to the world and the flesh. So, for the sake of acquiring spiritual treasures, fast, brothers; for the sake of the health of soul and body, fast. Excess of physical and animal strength is harmful to the soul: our enemy uses them to suppress spiritual forces! How often have I, overwhelmed by the abundance of food and drink, been unable to serve the Lord heartily and utter all the exclamations, litanies, and prayers, being suppressed inside by the cunning of enemies, which would have been destroyed if I had always been abstinent! If you want to know from the holy fathers how important, useful and necessary fasting is for a person, read the Lenten Triodion and the Octoechos, you will see; also the writings of the holy fathers. What the tenderest, greatest, strong as death love of the Lord for us was expressed on the Altar of the Cross [Song.8:6], on which the Son of God sacrificed Himself for us! Let us cry at His Cross, remembering His love, which we now have in the same way, and our sins, our ingratitude, our worldly passions, our enmity, dislike, our fornications and other countless iniquities. Let us begin to love each other and live holy lives. 17. Woe came to me today from the fish food (sardines) I ate in the evening at Brown's. Don't eat anything more fishy. Three and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me during the Presanctified Liturgy and after it the second, third and fourth time from the manifold serpentine malice that fiercely instigated me and stung me mercilessly and constantly, until the Lord extended His life-giving and saving Hand and delivered me. Glory to the Lord! March 18. Saturday. I thank my Lord and my Savior, the joy of my deliverance, for the fact that this day He usually delivered me during Matins from the wiles of the enemy (regarding the ruble given to me in remembrance of the health and salvation of the living, Porfiry and relatives, and turned for the benefit of the poor), and especially before the liturgy, during the reading of the canon for communion, when the enemy mortally wounded me and I could not find peace for myself. I cried out to the Lord, and the Lord heard and saved me, giving me peace, freedom, boldness, and spaciousness in my soul, so that I served the entire mass without stumbling and received communion myself and gave communion to three hundred people for good, by the grace of God. Lord of strength! Take away the war of the English from our borders and humble them with Your righteous and omnipotent power, which has been going on for centuries, or, if you allow them to fight against us, betray them into our hands, as you betrayed the Turks. Do this for the glory of Your holy name. God! They rebel against Your Holy Church, of which You are the Head, all-righteous, all-powerful, all-powerful, all-powerful. God! You weigh their countless evils and lies! It’s time for You to execute Your righteous judgments on them! Amen! Wake up! Wake up! After the early liturgy, on Saturday of the third week of Lent. I thank the Lord for the fullness of boldness and strength in serving Him, which I obtained through His grace and power and which continued throughout the entire third week of Great Lent. Continue this grace in me, Lord, until the end of my life on earth. Amen. March 18, 1878. Saturday of the Third Week. Thanks to the holy, life-giving, immortal Mysteries of Christ and, in general, my service this past week in the cathedral with repeated communion during all possible fasts, I feel very good in soul and body, I am healthy in the Lord my God. When I finished classes at the gymnasium, I was pinched by the adversary in my heart, but I looked with the eyes of my heart in repentance to the Lord, and soon an amazing freedom and lightness became in my whole being. Glory to Thee, Lord! By the grace of God today, during mass, I overcame the evil movement of the gaze and heart in the perception of persons and stopped paying attention to the human face, to the one infinite, existing Face of God, fixing my heart’s gaze. Glory to the Lord! May God grant that we do not know the faces in God’s service and look at everyone dispassionately, simply, boldly, as sinners and mortals, even at the mayor and the Tsar himself. The serving priest is above all. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy that happened to me on the way to Father Porfiry Strokin, my confessor, for confession. I was upset with the beggar who asked me for alms (he often asks with many others), although I gave him ten kopecks. This grief echoed in me a heavy sorrow: I prayed for at least three quarters of an hour in repentance for the forgiveness of sin, for the removal of sorrow and oppression, and suddenly the Lord took away the heavy sorrow from me, giving me peace and boldness with space in my heart. Glory to God’s good obedience, prompt obedience, God’s kindness and goodness! With You I am alive, Lord, again. And what would happen without You, my breath, the light of my eyes? Woe, woe, woe! But how do many live without You, without calling on You, without praying to You? God! Enlighten the hearts of everyone with the knowledge of You! Grant to everyone to fear You, obey You, desire You, seek You, have You as a priceless treasure! All who want to live in holiness, hurry diligently, in repentance, with prayer to the Most Pure Mother of our God, may she teach you to overcome sins and live in holiness and virtue, may she kindle your involuntary blasphemy, inspired by the devil, like smoke. She is strong to do this as the Mother of our God. If only there were a sincere and firm desire on our part for correction and a holy life, which is often lacking. We still love sin, especially carnal pleasures. March 19. Resurrection. I repent that yesterday I ate fish: my heart and my flesh were no longer the same as they were when I ate plant foods; The thorns of passions multiplied and intensified, and the leaps of voluptuousness too. (Yesterday I confessed to Father Porfiry.) Eleven and a half hours in the afternoon, two and a half hours after early mass. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to overcome, through a long prayer of repentance and petition, the most persistent devilish malice, or hostility and enmity, towards my sexton Vladimir Matveevich Zrelov for his disobedience in the Assumption Church at the end of the early mass to serve a memorial service (for my kindest friend and most benevolent Olga Mikhailovna), although after the mass there were no required and he cannot complain of fatigue. I sent him away for disobedience and ordered another sexton to be sent, but knowing that he either would not come or would not come for a long time, I took the watchman Nikolai and served four prayer services with him. It was hard for me to endure the disobedience of the sexton, who had grown fat and plump from abundant food due to good income and therefore became arrogant. Inner evil and annoyance prompted me to take revenge on him for this or, at least, to make him feel more strongly the importance and harmfulness of sin with some kind of punishment, but in the end I considered it more useful and expedient to heal myself with repentance, to remove from my heart all evil, all hostility, all confusion, sorrow and oppression, and then, on occasion, in the meekness and quietness of my soul, to admonish him, for the word meekness and love will reach the heart more quickly. I thank the Lord, who saved me, a repentant one, by His cross, for I looked at the cross and prayed to the Lord to give me grace and strength. Also pray in goodness and kindness of heart for your enemies, as the Lord prayed on the cross for His enemies. The Lord gave me this gift, despite the worst stubbornness of my enemies in me, who stubbornly incited me to malice and vengeance. The power of goodness and love defeated the power of anger and vengeance. Glory to God, our Victor! And let this reader Vladimir take a lesson from Divine justice, and not resist in the future, for what order will there be in the service if the reader resists? How difficult it is to break your heart and turn it from evil to good, from hostility to love, I experienced this today when the sexton showed disobedience to me and then when I served without him with the guardian of the prayer service. But for those who want to convert, nothing is impossible by the grace of God: I asked the Lord for grace, so that my heart would change and turn from hostility to love - and I did. And what grace! How calm and free my soul became instead of what it was before - cramped, vague, bad; I was all on pins and needles or on fire, in extreme violence from the evil one, and he pulled me into Gehenna. Teach me, Lord, Thy wisdom to deal with those who resist, are disobedient, and stubborn, like this sexton; grant me not to be at all angry with them, not to scold them, not to take revenge on them, but to endure, endure, although not without a stern remark about the absurdity of their act, so that they will come to their senses and not be wise about themselves. When their madness of stubbornness passes, or when I have the heat of anger, then calmly, dispassionately let me rebuke them. Yes it will be. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform Matins and early mass in the Assumption Church without stumbling, victoriously over invisible enemies, and to partake of the life-giving Divine Mysteries after yesterday’s confession before my confessor. Grant me the correction of all my life, my Lord! Seven and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, for You softened the heart of the reader Vladimir through my prayer, like wax on fire, and softened my heart and gave us both Your peace, which is more valuable than any treasure of this world. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, who granted me a prayer in the apartment of Ivan Ivanovich Kovrigin for the Lord’s success to them in their work affairs, for they have no work and through this they have no means of living either. May the Lord look upon them through the unanimous prayer of ours, mine and their entire family. The Lord also listens to the chicks of the corvids that call upon Him [Ps. 146:9]. I made a big mistake yesterday and today, having been fed up with lean food, eating several times quickly one after another (yesterday), and today having had a hearty drink of tea and lean sugar buns (two and a half glasses). I sinned in heaven, before God and before myself. Forgive me, Lord! 24. People are captivated by feminine beauty or their own, human beauty in general. To say in a sermon that all people in their souls [have] natural Divine beauty, for everyone is created in the image and likeness of God, that we have disfigured and disfigured this beauty with our sins, that we pitifully plunge the incorruptible into corruption, that we must try to regain through repentance and virtue the lost beauty of the image of God, as the saints returned, that from corruption we must strive to the acquisition of incorruptibility, that we must strive for the infinite beauty of God, for contemplating it through purity of heart: Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God [Matthew 5:8]. Behold, behold, greedy for beauty, what a word about beauty! Souls - you are all beauties! O you who desire and greedily seek beauty! I will tell you where this beauty is - in God, in holiness, in truth, in virtue. Be holy, righteous, virtuous, meek, humble, kindly, self-controlled, chaste, merciful, obedient, hardworking, courageous, complacent, patient - and you will be beautiful even here, and after completing your earthly exploits you will shine like lights in God, in heaven. You are looking for sweetness, albeit perishable, - look for incorruptible, eternal sweetness, in God. He is infinite Sweetness, He created for our consolation on the pilgrim path of temporary, corruptible life an infinite multitude and variety of perishable, momentary, transitory sweets to show that there are endless, imperishable sweets, characteristic of the future imperishable age. 24. I thank the Lord, who quickly heard me when I ran to Him in repentance and prayer in the fourth carriage ([...]) before the prayer service of thanksgiving. The Lord soon delivered me from the burden of the devil’s incomparable abomination, cleansed me, healed me, pacified me, strengthened my soul and gave me the grace to boldly perform a prayer service, loudly, life-giving for everyone. Glory to God, my benefactor, my Savior! This is the victory that has conquered the world, our Orthodox faith [1.5:4]. Understand, O Gentiles, and repent, for God is with us [Isa.8:8–9]! Angles and Austrians, you will be defeated. Amen. God of vengeance! Rise to our aid! Let the blood of innocent victims, poured out in rivers, cry out to You, O righteous God, O Lord, mighty in battle! Let the Beaconsfields 121 and Andrássy 122 and all who sympathize with them be put to shame! God! They all rise up not against us, but against Your Holy Church, against You, against Your heritage! Protect Your Church Yourself! God! May all Your saints be moved to pray for us. God! Forgive our iniquities, our wickedness, and do not betray us to our enemies for our wickedness! Amen. I thank the Lord, who strengthened and made me wise to confess today 262 people (Father Alexander Taratin had 359 people and Father Peter 200, Father Pavel the rector had 200). I sinned - I grew jealous of Father Alexander and, madly, envied him that he had almost a hundred more spiritual children, but did not think about the fact that we would have to give an answer before God for our spiritual children. And is my share really small? No, [full] on all sides. The Lord shepherds me, and deprives me of nothing [Ps. 22:1] (and I am not deprived of anything), and I receive one and a half times as much as Father Alexander, and on top of that the gymnasium salary, and the candidate’s class salary, and the salary for the council and the Duma, and interest. I sinned before the Lord, desecrating my soul with envy, greed, selfishness, unfriendliness, and ill will. Are you not my treasure, my inexhaustible wealth, Lord! Truly. After all, now my heart and my body are being corrupted by addiction and greed for money, turning it away from God and from the love of my neighbor, and I do not trample on this evil - money, like the dust, and I do not despise it, damned one. God! Make me wise and strengthen me to despise them, and to love You and my neighbors unfailingly, ardently, holy. Amen. What a stupid heart we are, subject to passions! A person, for example, has a mouth and a wallet full, but everything is not enough for him, and with greed he looks at his neighbor’s share that is greater than his, and he hurts and suffers from a greedy soul; whether he sees beautiful faces of young people - and looks at each one with greed and envy, piercing his eyes and heart, ready to make everything an object of his lust; sees luxurious houses and other buildings - and again devours them with his eyes, ready to take possession of everyone. In a word, I am ready to gain the whole world and lose 123 (and lose) my soul. O crazy heart! Always hungry for vanity and despising the only thing needed! March 25. The mystery of the incarnation, in its boundless greatness, beneficence, and wisdom, is always new, always amazes the mind, delights, amazes the heart of a believer and is capable of moving his will to all good. Oh, grant me, Lord, to always shed grateful tears before You, Lord, about the mystery of Your incarnation, through which You have given and are granting me endless blessings. In comparison with this good, all the blessings of this world are like smoke, steam, dust, like nothing - immeasurably superior to everything. This is how they are, these spiritual blessings, and this is how all the saints looked at them; for them they sacrificed everything and their very life with joy, and endured the greatest torment for this with a triumphant spirit. Why don't they attract us? Why do earthly goods attract us? Before evening. Glory to God, my Savior, who saved me with great, wonderful salvation during the liturgy and especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries; after such salvation, I seem to forget about the greatest embitterment that I suffered from the devil during matins at the litia, at the blessing of the loaves (I did not allow hymns to be pronounced), during the saying of the great dismissal, the prayer to Christ, the True Light and the last small dismissal, during mass at the great entrance. Extremely acute and severe temptations. The enemy confused him at the great entrance with the reminder of hiding money from his wife. But the wife should not know everything, otherwise I would have to refuse charity. I suffered in my bowels [a grave temptation] for my gluttony and satiety during the past week and because of a long period of non-service and, therefore, non-renewal by the life-giving Mysteries. Oh, how hard it is for a priest to live without liturgy, without communion of the life-giving Mysteries! How terribly sin kills me when I do not partake of the Holy Mysteries! What a rag I am, what powerlessness, what weakness, illness, shame! It is a great task and great moral work for a priest to perform the liturgy, for he needs the most thorough preparation for the service, always, and not just once; in a word, he needs angelic dispassion, ardent love for God and for people, a heavenly mind, the same heart and his own will, completely in accordance with the will of God. And how far am I from this measure! God! I suffer fiercely from decay, from madness of the heart, from thoughtlessness, from greed, from envy. Heal me for Your name. I thank the Lord for his great boldness in performing a prayer service with bailiff Lev Alexandrovich Alexandrov on March 25 at one o’clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord for expressing (despite the instigation of the devil and the compulsion not to speak in the famous prayer of Isidore with the title and grant...) the entire cry about the Holy Synod and the Metropolitan, may the Lord grant them in peace, whole and so on... I thank the Lord for repeatedly delivering me from the villainy of ethereal enemies at the beginning of the all-night vigil and at the end of it (after dismissal). Invisible enemies terribly suppressed and confused me, but the Lord delivered me from them through my prayer. I thank the Lord, who gave me great tenderness while I was present to the Gospel. March 26. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy yesterday during the all-night vigil to defeat the evil one by the grace of God while reading the Gospel in a place known to me (go therefore and teach all languages, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all the things given to you [Matthew 28:19–20]). I made a strong effort of spirit and defeated him, drove him away. Grant, Lord, to also overcome him, the adversary, both at the great entrance and at dismissal. Give me, Lord, the grace not to be indignant and not to waver in spirit from any wiles of the enemy, from any human wickedness over me, or malice, hostility, deceit, malfunction, omission, laziness and negligence. Give me the whole spirit to always have. Lord, Almighty King, open the eyes of the English, blinded by self-interest, pride, malice towards us, who have accomplished with Your grace and power the great work of liberating Your members from the inhuman, barbaric yoke of the worshipers of the all-evil Mohammed! Now I prayed to the Lord for the English as one person, for with the Lord everything is as one person, as one body. I will wait for mercy from the Lord, who is quick to obey, for us Russians, as for one person, and for the Slavs, and for us as for one person. I know that the destinies 124 of the Lord throughout the whole earth [Ps. 105:7]: He judges the end of the earth, he is righteous, and will give strength to our king, and will exalt the horn of His Christ. The disembodied enemy constantly covers the mental horizon of our soul, if we are in any way inattentive to ourselves and allow ourselves to be carried away by the addictions of this world, darkens it and suppresses our spirit, depriving it of freedom, peace and silence. You need to constantly be vigilant over yourself. What a prickly, soul-dead thorn all things or persons in this world are, as long as a person has the slightest predilection for them and places carnal pleasure in them. Truly, everything must be considered nothing more than rubbish and one must not put one’s heart into anything, crushing all its idols. At what an infinitely high price we were redeemed from our fall - and we do not value this, we neglect rebellion and correction, we neglect the gift of repentance, which, according to the truth of God, was not given to the fallen angels (demons), and we voluntarily perish through negligence, lack of faith and addiction. Woe to us damned ones! Give yourself, O priest, an account of the moral state of your flock, who repented in Lent under your testimony, and act morally on them with the power of the word given to you by God: you are the light of the world, you are the salt of the earth, you are the doctor of souls. Our Orthodox Fatherland, for the sake of the Orthodox faith and the Church, must triumph over all its enemies, for the sake of its holy truth, for which it declared and fought a war and defeated the worst enemies of the Christian Orthodox people, who reduced the shrine of the faith of Christ to dust. Our new enemies will be cruelly shamed if they declare a new war on us. God is with us! - understand, O Gentiles, and repent, for God is with us [Isa.8:8-9]. Unite against us, but all the more will you be put to shame, and all the more will our God be glorified in us. You do not tolerate His righteous judgments; what He gave us for incredible difficulties, self-sacrifice, and countless bloodshed will remain with us. Let us remember that we are not alone, we are the Church of God, we are not strangers or aliens, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of God’s household, having been built on the foundation of the Apostles and Prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone [Eph.5:19–20]. The chosen Voivode, the Mother of God, is with us and will fight for us, if we through our deeds, the prayer of faith, and ardent zeal are worthy of Her intercession - let us remember the miracles of Her intercession. Only here’s the problem: we have a lot of chaff in Rus' among the wheat, which is barely noticeable. Let us cleanse ourselves by repentance. Why am I afraid of the adversary the devil, having some sin on my conscience, voluntary or involuntary? I must fear God alone and trust in Him in hope of mercy, for He is infinitely merciful, He has much deliverance, and He will deliver the new Israel from all its iniquities [Ps. 129:6]. So, let me not be embarrassed by sin, which the devil deliberately, with the evil purpose of embarrassing me, brings upon me, but let me keep peace and courage with boldness, which is forgiveness from God. Confusion is a sin. Oh, terrible and all-saving Sacrament! Oh, God's immeasurable condescension! Oh, the Sacrament is always new and renews the entire being of a believer! What Sacrament? – God appeared in the flesh [1.3:16] and daily creates for us His flesh and blood from bread and wine and unites with us in the Mystery of Communion! I and each of us are, first of all, our own enemy in that we are partial to our many-passionate flesh, which must be crucified, with which all friendship must be abandoned, declaring real war. No good thing dwells in my flesh [Rom.7:18]. Every sin lives in it: pride, malice, envy, greed, fornication, intemperance, laziness, wickedness, negligence, murmuring, despondency and cowardice, hard-heartedness, love of money, stinginess. The corrupting breath of sin did not touch our Most Holy Lady Theotokos, for from infancy she was raised in the temple, in the Holy of Holies; taught by the Holy Spirit, guided by Angels, She is all pre-purified and pre-sanctified by the Holy Spirit, although she was conceived and born not without original sin. Most Holy Theotokos, save us! 28. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me yesterday during Matins, who delivered me from sin and who pacified my soul through my prayer. Having been yesterday at the removal of the body of Varvara (Bykova), first without a deacon, I was embarrassed by the action of the devil and was afraid to serve alone, for fear of not pronouncing the petitions of the funeral litany and stealing its words, which is what happened, but I said almost the entire release, straining all my strength and daring against the fear of the devil's absurdity, - because out of spite, during the service, every passion in the soul arises, which (passion) will not even come to mind at another time. Oh, villainous rapist! God! Grant me everlasting victory over him and take away from me this reproach - the fear of speaking out loud in front of a large crowd of people; Protect us with Your holy Angels, so that by their army we are instructed and preserved, we may reach the unity of faith and the mind of Your unapproachable glory! 125 Yesterday, on Tuesday of the Fifth Week of Lent, I was subjected to a grave temptation while I alone, without a deacon, celebrated the Presanctified Liturgy for the Wound (at eight and a half o'clock). I sent to call the deacon, and they brought me an answer from him: let him serve alone. I became agitated by this and served the mass poorly, in confusion and cramped conditions: the enemy took possession of me, although, by the grace of God, not completely, for in certain places in the litanies I missed words, hurrying, I don’t know where and fearing I don’t know who (the mass was from the Dvoeginzovoys). After mass, already tormented by the demon of grief and embarrassment, I made peace with my situation, telling myself that it is the greatest honor and dignity to serve the Liturgy alone, for this I must rejoice and thank God; if the deacon offended me, then I must thank God for this, for without patience there is no crown, and love and fidelity to the Lord is recognized in enduring temptations, especially the deceit and enmity of men. After communion I calmed down, but I stole the litany of thanksgiving and therefore became agitated again. Oh, ridiculous demonic fear! How long will she seduce me? God! Save me for Your name! In the evening, I made a big mistake at home: my wife came up before bed and offered me a muffin (lark) with almond milk. I ate two and soon went to bed without taking a walk; I couldn’t sleep at night, I got up, got dressed, walked for an hour and then lay down again and slept peacefully. Fed up, damned one: before this I was visiting the merchant Sorokin and had my fill of tea and cod and was full (at six and a half o’clock in the evening). That's how greedy I am! Lord, have mercy and forgive me, the accursed one. Before the canon of March 29th in the monthly Menaion there is the following line: two saints worshiped [...] (it seems so). The first time I came across the word vbozheny (deified) - from there, in common parlance, bozheny or bazheny. Why doesn’t the Church now especially pray to the Lord, the King of the world, for the peace of Russia and the European kingdoms? Necessary. One o'clock in the morning. I sinned before God and before myself, because of my greed I ate herring at night, at eleven o’clock in the evening; I hurt myself with this and couldn’t sleep. I was forced to get up, open the window at home, open the chimney in the stove, and walk around the room for a long time so that the food would turn into juices and blood and would not bother me with its excess (I ate eight or nine fish without bread). Oh, greed! O gluttony! Oh, damnation! Through bitter experience I learned the extreme harm of intemperance in food, especially eating fish during Lent and especially at night. Just as from eating only plant foods, of course in moderation, you feel good, light, and there is grace in your heart, so from eating fish you feel unwell, your heart is heavy, your mouth is stinking. Oh, accursed me, greedy of dumb beasts! Why did I get fed up late last night and eat herring?! Firstly, I broke the fast, violating the commandment of God and the Church, and secondly, I burdened myself, I harmed myself mentally and physically. God, be merciful to me, a sinner! Our greatest daily mistake is that we pay special attention to the face, and not to the heart, to the appearance, and not to the inner, to the physical, and not to the spiritual, to the worldly, sinful, and not to God, the holy. That is why we have a lot of disgrace in our lives, our heart is always unclean, passionate, faulty, our will is filled with evil impulses and actions, and we are vile before God and wrong before people. March 31st. Friday. The Church puts golden, priceless words into the mouths of her servants, comforting, life-giving words. We must always cherish them, speak them from the heart, with a free spirit, not suppressed by fears or demonic ghosts or worldly addictions, with ardent love for God and humanity. Meanwhile, the devil often attacks me maliciously, insidiously, slanderously under the pretext of my sins, bringing upon me despondency and fear, confusion, doubt, in fact, degrading the glory of God through me and depriving those who are present, like me, of consolation and spiritual benefit. We must fight it vigorously, in the strength of the grace of Christ. Predniy (Church Slavic) – the first, located in front; anterior - future. Hildebrandt Jacob Apollonovich (1842–1915) – Russian admiral. More precisely, at Matins the song of the 8th canon: Hate Esau’s intemperance, my soul, and be jealous of Jacob with a good deed, deceive Belial with abstinence, be enriched with divine things, and sing forever. Fai is a type of silk fabric. Barking (Church Glav.) – machinations, deceit. In the life of the holy Apostle John the Theologian, such an incident is described, which is testified to by the ancient teacher of the Church Clement of Alexandria. When the Apostle John walked around the cities in Asia, in one of them he saw a young man with a soul disposed to a good deed; the holy Apostle taught and baptized him. Intending to leave from there to preach the Gospel, he entrusted this young man to the bishop of that city in front of everyone, so that the shepherd would teach him every good deed. The bishop, having taken the young man, taught him the Scriptures, but did not take as much care of him as he should have, and did not give him the kind of education that befits young men, but, on the contrary, left him to his own will. Soon the boy began to lead a bad life, began to get drunk on wine and steal. Finally, he made friends with robbers, who, having seduced him, took him into the deserts and mountains, made him their leader and committed robbery on the roads. Returning some time later, John came to that city and, having heard about that youth, that he had become corrupted and became a robber, he said to the bishop: “Return to me the treasure that I handed over to you for safekeeping, as if in faithful hands; return to me that young man whom I handed over to you in front of everyone so that you could teach him the fear of God.” And the bishop answered with tears: “That young man died, he died in soul, and in body he is robbing the roads.” John told the bishop. “Is it right for you to guard your brother’s soul? Give me a horse and a guide so that I can go and look for those whom you have destroyed.” When John came to the robbers, he asked them to take him to their commander, which they did. The young man, seeing Saint John, was ashamed and, getting up, ran into the desert. Forgetting his old age, John chased after him, shouting: “My son! Turn to your father and do not despair of your fall; I will take upon myself your sins; stop and wait for me, since the Lord sent me to you.” The young man stopped and fell at the feet of the saint with great trepidation and shame, not daring to look him in the face. John, hugging him with fatherly love, kissed him and brought him into the city, rejoicing that he had found the lost sheep. And he taught him a lot, instructing him in repentance, in which the young man, working diligently, pleased God, received forgiveness of sins and died in peace. The exact name of the icon is “Deliverance from the troubles of the suffering.” Benjamin Disraeli (from 1876 Earl of Beaconsfield; 1804–1881), an English statesman who was twice Prime Minister of Great Britain, did everything possible to ensure that Russia did not gain anything as a result of victory in the Russo-Turkish War. Andrássy Julius (1823–1890), count, Hungarian statesman. Otshchetevati (Church Glav.) – to bring harm, loss (futility), flaw to one’s soul. Fate (Church Slavic) – law, establishment, definition. Prayer of the Hours “For every time and every hour...”.