Декабрь 1876 г.

December 1st. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the temptation of partiality and hostility in the apartment of Father Nicholas of Asia: a child younger than two years old seemed ugly, and a devilish hostility and contempt appeared in my heart, which struck my heart with death. I lifted up my eyes in repentance to the Lord and was soon delivered. Oh, damnation, poverty, nakedness and blindness of my soul! And in a person I look for what is pleasant and beautiful to look at, as if a person is an object of sweetness, and not an object of unconditional, pure, divine love, as the image and likeness of God, as if the face and in general the body are something most important to the soul, or as if some disgrace is a vice worthy of hatred and contempt, and is, as it were, a matter of the human will. It is sin that you hate and despise, and not physical shortcomings that depend on nature and disease. Books for binding should be taken into the custody of a bookbinder. The day after St. Andrew's Day, December 1, I went to see the sick man in Karpov's house, on Posadskaya Street, and I was so weak in heart from yesterday's wine that I could not utter words of prayer from my soul: it was bound by an incorporeal enemy; also in the evening [Lavyrev] performed unction with great difficulty, in Oporovsky’s house, in Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street. Intemperance is the death of the soul. Fasting is strength for the soul. December 4. I thank the Lord, who mercifully heard me in the confines of sin and saved me many times over with the salvation of strength, holiness, life, peace and space. “Whoever first entered the font was in health, but was overcome with illness” [John 5:4]. What did this create? The font is the image of our heart: nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts almost constantly creep into it, due to the action of disembodied enemies, who do not fall asleep in the deed of our destruction and our various infirmities - but good, holy thoughts and feelings, intentions, deeds also enter the heart; just as the latter produce truth, health, peace, space, light in our soul, so the former produce sin, weakness, confusion, cramped conditions, and darkness. If grace-filled thoughts and feelings first enter the soul and become stronger in it, then the soul remains healthy, no matter what ailments it may have had before, no matter how possessed by passion. But if sinful thoughts and feelings first enter the soul, then mental health is immediately disturbed and the soul is plunged into weakness, sorrow and oppression. This is truly what happens. The sheep's font is the image of our heart or, better, the image of God's grace: we must anticipate God's grace immediately at all times - otherwise the enemy, or sin, will anticipate us from God and plunge us into sinful feces. Is this true? Let those who have experienced answer. So, each of us has a Sheep Font - this is our heart. We are the sheep of Christ's flock; The sheep's font is a Christian heart filled with grace-filled water, or faith, hope and love. What is most important in the life of a Christian and what I pay least attention to is delicacy, lust, gluttony, overeating and heavy drinking, especially drinking sweet tea and coffee - all this extremely relaxes and corrupts the soul and body, making them a handy tool of the devil. Yesterday at dinner I ate too much, then in one house I ate raspberry jam and in another house I drank wine, ate salmon, pressed caviar with black bread in sufficient quantities, drank sweet tea (three glasses), and at home I ate quite a lot of apples, and as a result of all this - my flesh was raging with fornication, and my spirit was extremely weak - I must inevitably crucify the flesh with passions and lusts. May I not be the playground of passions and the devil. I sinned before the Lord by calling Archpriest Pavel Trachevsky a mercenary in the hearing of one family because he is afraid to let the word slip from his tongue, so that no one hears. Forgive me, Lord! December 5th. I thank the Lord for the wondrous salvation that was revealed to me many times last day. December 5th. After early mass in the Duma Church. The hours of service today were for me, because of my sins, hours of sorrow and distress and great wiles of demons. This is for my gluttony and satiety during Lent, for especially yesterday and the third day I enjoyed food and drink in abundance at a party, and even before that at the Grechukhins (and yesterday at Kovrigin, on the third day at the Neustroevs). Because of this, the weakness of the soul at mass, the fear of demons was extreme: I was like a leaf of a tree, shaken by the wind, and was not granted deliverance from the Lord in my time. Especially the tea did a lot of harm to me, relaxing my insides and stomach nerves. The moral teaching from here is that you must fast urgently and not drink sweet tea in the evening. I think that my grief also came from the condemnation of Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky the day before, for which I was left with the help of God. But my soul was bitter, terribly bitter at mass, especially after the great entrance and after the exclamation “Remember first,” at which I could not pronounce the names and prayers, although I really wanted to. The enemy laughed at my impotence. After communion, I completely said both the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal. God bless. It’s crazy to be faint-hearted, despondent and sad when our superiors give us a severe reprimand for some kind of malfunction; In this way we will not improve the matter, but will only upset ourselves and add a new malfunction to our fault. Prudence requires accepting the reprimand calmly, indifferently, taking note and execution, and henceforth avoiding, if possible, errors. Who is without sin? In human beauty, in our corrupted, sinful state, lies a pernicious charm, and staring at it is a sin, because, staring at beautiful faces, you will despise ugly people and turn away from them, and this is an even greater sin - partiality, from which there is a lot of sin. “All flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field” [Isa.40:6]. This is how one should look at human beauty, at its decorations - differences, power, wealth, strength. I need to eat bread and water and nothing more, because of my prodigal flesh. He encouraged his fornication, the accursed one, with vanity, exquisite decoration of clothes, cold thoughts, obsequious movements of the heart. Do you, Christian, desire the shrine of soul and body more than anything else in the world? Are you looking for it with all your heart, are you coveting it as the greatest treasure; Do you appreciate it as the being and property of your soul, which is created in the image and likeness of God the Creator, Who is essentially holy? The rank of hierarch for a Christian is infinitely important as the rank of a servant of God, like the rank of Christ Himself, the Saint of our confession: “For both he who sanctifies and those who are sanctified are all from One; therefore He is not ashamed to call them brethren, saying: I will proclaim Your name to My brethren; in the midst of the church I will sing praises to You” [Heb. 2:11-12]. Through the rank of hierarch we are awarded the title of Christian, the title of children of God and joint heirs of Christ, all the Sacraments of our faith, purification, sanctification, healing. December 6. Woe is it to please the belly and become satiated; through this I become the devil’s playground, I experience sorrow, oppression, binding of my heart, thoughts, tongue, shame, powerlessness: troubles surround me on all sides. This happened yesterday during the festive all-night vigil (in the morning) and early mass, and throughout the day during the singing of prayers. And I continue to eat and drink sweet and satisfying. Woe to me, wretched one! The disembodied enemy extremely pursues and oppresses me during all my services, especially during crowded meetings, surrounds me with fear and apprehension, sits down 56 on my heart and lips, binds both, steals words and brazenly rips them out of my heart and lips. Woe to me, wretched one! At the Grechukhins’, I was confused several times during the prayer service with the thought that I had incorrectly told the sexton the figure for the entire fee for prayer services (thirty-four rubles instead of thirty-six). I saved two rubles for the beggars and gave them away later. December 7th. Mass for Andrei Y. Blinov. I thank the Lord, who saved me from spiritual death, sorrow and distress during mass, during the funeral service, when I twice stole the words “For You are the resurrection and life and rest of Your servant Andrew, Christ God, and to You the glory...”. We must first speak these and similar words during worship with the greatest zeal and courage, give up cowardice, fear of demons and fear of people, and have respect and trust in ourselves. I thank the Lord, who miraculously saved me on the way to Korovnikov’s house after my harsh attitude towards the beggar and who gave me a new life of peace and salvation. Glory to His powers, glory to His bounties! When, during the cathedral liturgy, I sincerely humbled myself and removed from myself the secret disdain and dislike for the archpriest, replacing it with respect and disposition, by the grace of God, I immediately became calm and received the gift of tears from God. So I must always have heartfelt love for him and for everyone. December 10. In Father Archpriest I see those good qualities that are not in me: calmness during and outside of divine services, steadfastness, independence, dispassionateness, fearlessness, invulnerability; I am subject to confusion, fear, I feel dependent on everyone, I am timid, wounded by the arrows of sin, and lost. But this is very bad in a priest; he should be an unshakable pillar. Grant me, Lord! And the Lord often grants me this gift through prayer; sometimes I ask for this gift with many tears, for I am a very sinner. I thank the Lord, who was my helper and deliverer yesterday and the next day, when I served prayer services and read a prayer to the mother in labor; I thank the Lord, who gives me fearlessness and immovability in prayer and prayer services. Save me, Lord, always. Always cry to me, hear me, Lord! 10. Woe to me from intemperance: yesterday, needlessly, well-fed, I ate cold fish late in the evening, and today I feel a burden on my heart from the fish. From now on I should never eat at night. Give, Lord! I confess to the Lord that His mercy endures forever [Ps. 118:1]. How many times this day He, the merciful One, bowed down to me, repentant and praying, for mercy and soon had mercy on me! And how life-giving and desirable is His mercy! What a world, what a space! What lightness! What a bright face! Oh, priceless mercy of God! Oh, the infinitely gracious heart of God! I praise You, my hope! My everlasting deliverance, my quick help, my sweet salvation! December 11. Oh, how the sin of gluttony and satiety has become a custom and habit for me, that every day, like a slave, I am satiated, and yet this is something that is disgusting to my Lord as idolatry! This sin alone can destroy me and separate me from the Lord forever. God! Give me unceasing fasting! Here Your Holy Church gives me fasting, but I, passionate, vain-wise, do not observe it, I do not observe my soul and my body! Deliver me, Lord, from womb rage. I thank the Lord, who mercifully and quickly delivered me from the captivity and binding of the evil adversary yesterday after communion with the sick Volkova, on Novaya Street, in Savelyev’s house, where the enemy tripped me with my gluttony and wine drinking and self-interest, of which I repent heartily, begging the Lord to have mercy on me, accursed, lazy and careless. If you want to be loved sincerely, love yourself sincerely; If you want to be loved unfailingly, impartially, disinterestedly, love yourself unfailingly, disinterestedly, impartially. December 11. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who graciously, quickly, and solemnly saved me from the snares of the enemy before the early liturgy and granted me the opportunity to successfully perform the liturgy and receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. However, yesterday's satiety extremely paralyzed my heart, killing it; only the grace of God, perfected in weakness, revived and strengthened him during my repentance. Reading prayers for confession and communion for the sick Uzkova, I felt extreme pressure on the heart of the evil demons - frivolity, deceit, uncleanness, heart powerlessness, fear of demons; Only after giving communion to the sick woman did I feel relief and peace: IC.ХС.NIKA - defeated demonic deceit and malice. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from anger towards the poor through my prayer and from hostility and contempt for my nephew. Twelve o'clock at night. Glory to the present Lord! My corrupted heart is alien to true love, self-loving, vain, cold, cruel. For whom do I have sincere, constant love? To no one; That’s why I stumble in church prayers, being confused by demons. If there were true love in me, I would not be embarrassed at public prayer, for “The Lord is my enlightenment and my Savior, whom will I fear?” [Ps.26:1]. So, grant me, Lord, sincere, unfeigned, firm love, so that I may always glorify You. December 12. Monday. I thank the Lord for the sovereign, speedy salvation from ethereal enemies and from my sins in the apartment of Konstantin Lvovich Bubnov before reading prayers to the maternity mother Marya Sergeevna; then on the way to the widow Lyubov Alexandrovna Komarova and in her apartment, while reading prayers to the Lady Theotokos, when the enemy suddenly paralyzed my heart with unbelief and coldness. For a long time I fought with the blasphemous demon, and finally, in the name of Jesus Christ, I drove the scoundrel away, in front of the entrance to Doctor Uzkov’s apartment. There I prayed to the Heavenly Father, wonderful, all-good, for sick Natalya. I thank the Lord for the spiritual conversation, filled with spiritual wisdom, with Lyubov Alexandrovna, who was burdened by her sins. For everything, thanks be to God, glory to God! I am ashamed of my face, according to the words of Saints Ananias, Azariah and Misail. A solid program of daily life, work in the gymnasium, in the parish. Until now, I suffered from the absence of any program, I lived haphazardly, at random, and therefore everything turned out in such a way that, come to think of it: disorder, obstacles in the work of preaching, in service, in spiritual life - extreme. 14. I thank the Lord, who conquered the abyss of my sins with the abyss of His mercy during the early liturgy and after communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries. The Lord accepted my tearful repentance, and the Lord Himself gave the tears to me, insensitive. I thank the Lord, who has cleansed away my many sins, especially eating the English parson’s quick pie and pudding and drinking wine. I thank the Lord, who this evening gave me the grace to perform a prayer service without stumbling with my heart and lips in the house of Arkhip Ilyin on the tower. This is the grace from communion of the Holy Mysteries today, reading in class about John Al. Kravtsov, singing vespers and prayer services in the church. If you want to be sincerely loved by everyone, love everyone yourself sincerely. There are good qualities in obvious sinners. Some are drunkards, but not malicious, although a rare drunkard is not malicious; others are stingy, greedy for money, but modest, quiet, non-irritable, calm, even in their behavior; the other is a fornicator, but sensitive, kind, compassionate and merciful. And this is how the Lord spares sinners for something good found in them. We must give our own to everyone, not judge anyone, notice the good sides in a person whom we do not love and condemn, in order to love him and prayerfully wish him every success in good and avoidance of evil. 15. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me during Matins, when I cried out to Him in repentance, who took away sorrow and oppression and gave me justification, peace and space, and at the same time a good reading of the canon of Wednesday I am a sinner, but I trust in the mercy of God, like all the saints who also were not without sin and did not live without storms and stumbling, as shown by all the canons and stichera of the liturgical service, all their prayers to God and the Mother of God. There is one God without sin and the Most Holy Lady Theotokos. So, I will remain in hope, even though I am a sinner. Sooner or later the Lord will deliver me from the captivity and violence of sin. My Redeemer is faithful. December 15. I thank the Lord for His ineffable mercies towards me this day - for repeated deliverance from cramped conditions and sorrow and spiritual death, with which I was struck for my severity and cruelty towards the poor and for my love of money and stinginess. I was especially poor from the extreme, painful cramped conditions after one beggar caught up with me on the way to the gymnasium and asked for boots, and with a murmur I generally gave twenty kopecks to them and to this poor man - but the Lord destroyed death in me and sovereignly saved me in the gymnasium, and I enjoyed peace and space after the grave confusion and cramped conditions. I thank the Lord, who destroyed the anger of the enemy on the occasion of the bickering of sister Anna Konstantinovna and the failure to fulfill my just desire. Thank you for the grace of praising the Most Holy Lady Theotokos in the Akathist to Her Kazan Icon. Thank you to the Lord for hearing my unworthy, humble prayer for the healing of the sick servant of God Natalya Evgrafovna Uzkova. Glory to the Lord, who does His great and wonderful works according to our faith! 16. I have nothing to fear from any of the rich and powerful parishioners, because my service is such that I do not depend on anyone individually regarding earthly things or earthly means of life: our entire parish, everyone, if necessary, must turn to us for spiritual needs, which are higher and a thousand times more important than bodily needs; and the Lord Himself will humble them if they rise up against me. So, the necessities of life will not become scarce for me, and if not those, then others will provide me with everything I need, according to the will of God, or the Lord Himself will miraculously nourish me, like Elijah, the Baptist, Paul of Thebes and others. I must boldly proclaim the truth of God to people of every rank and condition, gender and age, for I am the common teacher and shepherd of all, according to the will of God. I never forget this. Since we believe in the Church, which is a community of believers in the Lord, united into one body by the Head Christ and animated by one Spirit of God, then we, as members of the body of the Church, must love and take care of each other as ourselves, as our soul and body - reflect from our hearts self-love, self-interest, envy, hostility, anger, enmity, rancor, fornication, intemperance, forgive each other to a friend, as we wish for ourselves from others, to be condescending to the weaknesses of our neighbors, to help them diligently and willingly. Love is the surest sign of Christ's disciples and members of the Church of Christ. Without love there is no Church. Plant this love in us, Lord. Let us think no evil. I saw Father Matthew (Melchizedek) in a dream, aged and significantly changed. He treated me without hostility. God willing. I often sin against the commandment of the Church, “let us commit ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God.” I am sick with pride, malice, vengeance and arbitrariness due to mutual insults, mistakes, grief, displeasure - and from this I suffer and torment others with my reluctance, my anger and the spirit of vengeance (I do not speak cordially, avoiding conversations and sociability). And what wonderful consequences would there be for the entire internal and external structure of my home and social life if I, on the advice and command of the Church, betrayed myself, and each other, and our whole life in mutual grief to Christ God? I would be calm and contented, knowing that the righteous Judge, who searches hearts and bellies, will himself settle the matter a thousand times better than me and bring to reason those who offend me, for I myself, due to my passion and blindness, due to my malice, pride, pride, irascibility and irritability, do not know how to avenge myself with righteous vengeance, or I do not know how to endure faults, insults, deceit and the malice of people, and I only increase the evil in myself and in others, instead of extinguishing it, I increase it with my inherent malice, irritability, vindictiveness in the depths of my soul and in external manifestations. I thank the Lord, who has shown me His greatest mercy and power this day in having mercy on me and delivering me from the most painful cramped conditions and sorrow due to my displeasure with my sister-in-law Anna for her disobedience and insolence towards me and due to my satiation of the candle (at Father Alexander’s I ate quite a lot of fish at night, and at Fyodor Vasilyev I drank Madeira wine and a glass of tea with rotted water) and in the morning at tea (ate quick crackers). For a long time I prayed within myself and shuddered; Finally, the mountain fell from my heart, through the prayers of the Angels of the first-grade children to whom I came. He managed the class perfectly, with firmness, and told the lesson firmly and clearly. God bless! December 16. Not a single confession of the Christian faith, except the Orthodox, can lead a Christian to the perfection of Christian life, or holiness, and to the complete purification of sins and to incorruption, because other confessions, non-Orthodox, do not possess those God-given means for purification, sanctification, rebirth, renewal, which the Orthodox Church possesses. The experiences of centuries, or the history of the Church, the life of the Orthodox Church and other churches have shown and show this with striking clarity. Take the multitude of [saints] of our church and the lack of them in other, non-Orthodox churches: Catholic, Lutheran, Anglican. 17. Why did terrible oppression, sorrow, fear of the devil, hellish torment befall me today at Matins and early mass, especially at the last? Is it because yesterday at Efrem Stepanovich [Oreshin’s] I drank a glass and a half of wine and ate fresh smelt (three pieces), or because I ate quite a few walnuts at home and didn’t drink anything in the evening, or, finally, because I slept for a long time last night, or because of all these reasons together? In any case, I know that it was due to an excess of seed in the sides and from excessive nutrition, and maybe because he did not make peace with his sister-in-law Anna K. before her departure, although I think it was she who offended me, and not I her. But here’s a new temptation: when they brought the children to communion, I really didn’t like the snotty son of Anna Gerasimovna Obedkova, and the evil demon managed to breathe hatred towards him into my accursed heart, although before, when visiting his parents, I had never felt this. Oh, the absurd malice that has taken root in me through gluttony, partiality, and greed! Oh, hellish thorns, zealously planted in me by the devil! Oh, woe to me, wretched one! I sleep, indulging in pleasures and self-interest, and the enemy sows tares - and they grow and intensify. Where are the tears? Where are the day and night prayers? Where is the zealous and abundant almsgiving? Where is meekness and kindness? Oh, the lack of Christ's love! So I don’t like Father Pavel Archpriest, and I internally hate him unrighteously, although I should hate myself. So love for the royal persons has become scarce, and for the Holy Synod, and for the local archpastor, Metropolitan Isidore, for his severity, although I myself am a thousand times harsher towards those below me and although the bishop awarded me many awards unquestioningly. O poverty, oh nakedness, oh the ugliness of my soul! We are separated from each other by suspicion and malice towards our neighbors, especially neighbors and colleagues who have ever treated us with hostility. But love, according to the Apostle, does not think evil, therefore, it thinks good about every person. 18. Yesterday (especially early mass) was for me a day of darkness, crampedness, sorrow and suffering, due to my sins; when I read the prayers to the communicants, I could not quite pronounce them from the temptation of hostility, and while giving communion to two boys, I despised and hated one of them for being snotty, although this had never happened before. The evil demon suddenly breathed terribly into my heart with his malice and wounded me, who had no true love in my heart. And after mass I was very restless, I tore up the beggar’s letter, for which he asked for money to send; I myself rewrote this letter afterwards. I prayed to the Lord a lot in repentance, that He might forgive me, and the Lord also had mercy on me! On this day there was a strong blizzard all day with a strong southeast wind. Miracles of faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, miracles of cleansing of sins, deliverance from sorrows and hardships, miracles of sanctification, revival of souls killed by sins, miracles of peace, space, light, strength, boldness, supernatural help are constantly being performed with our own eyes. Yesterday evening, when I was walking near the cathedral, the thought came to me to pray to the Lord, the all-generous Provider, and I prayed with faith and hope, with boldness and clairvoyance - that the Lord would increase His bounty for our parish care of the poor, which suffers shortcomings largely due to the scarcity of material resources, and that it would not suffer shame from its poverty. I was sure that my prayer was accepted by the Lord and would soon be fulfilled. For to the believer all things are possible, and it is said: “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you” [Matthew 7:7]. I already thanked the Lord for what was to be given from His goodness and generosity, as He Himself announced. 18 pm. After the all-night vigil on Sunday. I felt extremely ill, it was difficult during the all-night vigil: my heart was deadened from overeating and overeating at the late lunch: I ate bream greedily - very fatty bream. The enemy, who entered the heart because of greed, confused and oppressed and instilled fear and haste in the entire service; He didn’t let me finish the Gospel; stole vacation; the end of the prayer “Christ, the True Light” was not allowed to finish out of false fear and shame. And rightly so, the Lord allows this villain to attack me for my gluttony and greed. Have mercy on me, Lord, and deliver me from the villainy of the enemy and violence in his name for your sake. He insulted beggars, called them naughty people, got angry, became furious, and shouted at them. I blame myself with all my heart, with all my mind, with all my will, with all the truth. Have mercy on me, Lord! What madness is in my affairs! I impose the burden of sins on myself when I would like to completely get rid of them; I indulge in gluttony, delicacy, satiety, although I know that this is absurdity in a priest, who must constantly be abstinent and indifferent to food; I myself give weapons to the devil, disarming myself through intemperance! Now I myself feel what and how many burning wounds the evil dragon inflicted on my heart, how he bit and wounded me because of my intemperance. After all, I drank vodka at dinner, to my sin and misfortune, so that I could eat more greedily. Sometimes, apparently, a man diligently gives his brother food and drink, but in his soul he despises him, hates him. Man can be so cunning and double-minded! Oh, how many ulcers there are in man, what deep damage to the god-like nature! What molestation! Alas for me! Alas for me! How the ethereal enemy distorted me, disfigured me! You are greedy: to correct this weakness, the Church established fasts for every week and four multi-day fasts, so that you crucify your greed. Although I am a sinner and a great sinner, for my Christ I am attacked by disembodied enemies during worship, I suffer from them ulcers, bitterness, and troubles for my zeal for God. I am firmly convinced of this. Therefore, let me not lose heart in temptations, for having been left for a time by grace for my sins, I will again be accepted by the same grace and be saved. But - oh, how fierce are the machinations of the enemy! December 19. Resurrection. I suffered many spiritual troubles today during the late liturgy from disembodied enemies, a lot of cramped conditions, shame, and dumbness. But after communion of the Holy Mysteries, I was strengthened in spirit and said the prayer behind the pulpit firmly, dismissal too, a grateful prayer service also with the Gospel, a prayer of thanksgiving, except for two words - “presuming to speak”... I praise the Lord and give thanks. On the night of December 20, I saw in a dream an abyss of large worms on one side of a river or sea with an abyss of dirt or droppings, and - as if some children in this blat were raking them up. Horror, what a disgusting sight! Didn’t the beggars of Kronstadt appear to me in this form? They spend a miserable life - in cramped conditions, uncleanliness, lice, fleas, hunger, nakedness. Isn't this a lesson for me? In my dream, I ran past this place in disgust. Fornication of the heart has reached its extreme limits in me: I cannot look at the face of a beautiful maiden or woman without embarrassment during and outside of prayer; the enemy, like lightning, cuts my heart and kills it, not allowing me to pray and utter words. This is what happened yesterday in [Chevkunov’s] house during the christening of the girl Evgenia at one officer’s place, where the successor was a beautiful woman, the officer’s wife, and then during the girl’s betrothal at the baker’s on Sobornaya Street, by the ditch. - And all this is because of gluttony, tea drinking, wine drinking, sweet food - and I didn’t fast this Christmas fast, damned one. When eating food with vegetable oil, the chest becomes hard when serving, but this is not an excuse. 20. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly and most quickly, most graciously delivered me from sinful death, sorrow and oppression before the liturgy in church, during the liturgy, and especially after communion of the Holy Mysteries, with which he miraculously revived me; then in the evening, during Vespers, and finally at home many times. I fell into hostility towards my nephew, into contempt and gloating on the occasion of the letter about the death of Ivan A... Vetvenitsky, but then, overwhelmed by grief, I sincerely repented and received life, peace, freedom, boldness, space again. Glory to His mercy and long-suffering! “Confess the Lord... redeemed by the Lord” [Ps. 107:1–2]! Yes, I sympathize with every person in grief, especially someone close to me, who has not offended me in any way. Oh, envy! I am afraid during my divine service in church, because of the ghosts of demons, epaulettes, hats and generally cleanly and elegantly dressed, although among the officers, secular people, men and women, there are simple and pious souls. Take away, Lord, the vain fear of demons from my soul. Letters to Maynard and Fishwick and sisters, with tea and [parcel]. How many unforgivable, frivolous absurdities I do every day, for example, I get angry, scold, reproach, eat, drink at the wrong time, without need, tempted by the example of other eaters, laugh, be lazy, do not care about my direct responsibilities! And the Lord is patient with me! O longsuffering! Oh mercy! Oh, my anger, greed, insolence, stinginess! But yes, I will correct myself immediately. December 21st. I sinned gravely before the Lord at the beginning of Matins, by desiring the reward of an order before the throne of the Lord, as if the priesthood itself were not the highest honor on earth, a heavenly, angelic rank, with which no earthly honor could compare. The scorching fire and cramped conditions enveloped me, so that I could not speak. Irritation with the beggars also confused me. For a long time I struggled with thoughts about the reward, thinking that I had not received it for a long time due to human untruth; Finally, the Lord enlightened me, instilling in me that I must strive for the honor of a heavenly calling by cleansing my heart from worldly and earthly attachments and growing in the love of God, diligently pursuing my calling, zealously shepherding souls entrusted by the Lord, unlaxly preaching the word of God, diligently serving the spiritual and physical needs of others, according to the word of the Lord: “Whoever wants to be first among you, let him be all slave" [Mark 10:44]. After such wisdom and repentance, the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace and good service. At the beginning of the mass, the desire for earthly honor returned again, but I immediately understood the machinations of the enemy, that he entangled me with earthly vanity, earthly addiction, in order to separate me from the Lord, from His grace, and defeated the enemy with the grace of God. The Klepachevsky fathers stood during mass. This somewhat confused me [the weirdo]. Many times I have defeated ethereal enemies in the name of the Lord, but they too brazenly strive to take possession of my heart in order to torment and torment me, like the bashi-bazouks of the poor Slavs. Before Vespers, I gravely sinned through my stinginess, stupidity, senselessness, insolence, lack of love for my neighbors, becoming angry at the beggars for often coming up for alms, that I was a fool, because I don’t know for whom I give alms. (Oh, insolence and ingratitude before God, Who deigned to announce that He Himself accepts the poor! Oh, unbelief after so many miracles of mercy and generosity from the Lord on me!) - For how hard, cramped, stuffy, sad it became for me! I could not speak the litany: I was engulfed by hellish fire, hellish tightness! It was hard to serve! But soon, even here, I begged the all-good Lord, and He had mercy on me, giving me peace, and I finished Good Vespers with Compline. However, the tightness remained somewhat in the heart. When will I come to my senses? An endless series of my sinful corruptions and an endless series, a truly endless series of renewals, wonderful re-creations from my Lord Jesus Christ! Oh, what an abyss of love for mankind, mercy, strength, and benevolence of the Lord! If I, unworthy, bring you songs equal to the sand of the sea, O Lord, then I will accomplish nothing worthy of Your gifts. Grant, O Lord, that I may love You, Your holiness, Your righteousness with all my heart, now and forever. Amen. December 22, 1876. December 22. Morning. I subjected myself to great spiritual distress by inappropriately eating fish and black bread late last night: firstly, this morning I felt tightness in my sides and an unpleasant, painful sensation; secondly, during Matins, the tempter the devil insolently took possession of my heart during the reading of the Six Psalms and during the pronouncing of the Great Litany through a passion for pie, which I have to prepare at home today (here is infancy in old age!) - he separated my heart from the love of God, from the life of God, from the world and space of the divine and brought into it coldness, death, sorrow, oppression, bonds, darkness, weakness for prayer, praise and thanksgiving. For a long time I groaned, sighed, cried, struggled like a bird locked in a fowler’s cage, or like a fish in a net. Oh, nonsense! Oh, greed! December 23. Most merciful Lord! I thank You with all my heart for Your ineffable mercy and Your powers, revealed in me today during Matins and after Matins, in church and at home, during the all-evil temptation from the devil and the agony of my passions, when in repentance I cried out to You for help; and I still sin by being angry with the poor, for increasing them and their needs, or their requests. Al was also upset with Father Peter’s comrade. Klepachevsky, my friend (apparently not a friend yet!), that he does not come up to say hello in advance and I should approach him first. But everyone has their own view on mutual relationships, but he is still my friend. I do not lose anything from the fact that it was not he who greeted me before, but I who greeted him. Does my faith consist in this: that I am stern with those inferior to me and the poor, the poor, and with the noble, learned, rich, and intelligent, I am servile and conniving, cowardly, fearful? Is this the faith of Christ? Is this how I maintain my dignity as a priest, a servant of Christ God? God judges my sin, not people. 23. After mass. I thank the Lord for the countless gifts of His mercy and power, poured out on me this day during my service of Matins and Liturgy - in repeated deliverance from the destructive, painful intrigues of the enemy, violence and his fears, and in the granting of deliverance, healing, help, peace, freedom, space. At the great entrance, he did not finish speaking “Grand Duke Nikolai Alexandrovich and the entire reigning house”; after the completion of the Sacrament, when the Holy Synod and the local bishop were commemorated, he did not utter the words “grant these to your holy churches,” while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, the words: “Father of lights, and to you we send glory, thanksgiving, and worship,” at dismissal, he did not utter anyone except “God...”. then “and all saints”... The two ladies communicants were embarrassed. Behold the madness of the heart! Isn't everyone equal before God? Are not all members of Christ? Isn't it all earth and ashes all over your body? When you are in an irritated state, then do not speak harshly and angrily to your wife or anyone, so as not to sin again and harm your soul and body, or to offend others, or to punish, or to hit others if they contradict you. For this is a state of insanity, a painful state; Do not speak, I repeat, with anger, if they speak or answer you with anger, but speak meekly, for meekness softens and tames a person’s anger. You know from your own experience that when you are irritated, or sick, or in a hurry somewhere, and they don’t listen to you, they contradict you, or stop you, or scold you, then at this time you can speak or do insolence under the influence of heart pain and tightness. The same thing happens to others under similar circumstances, so be prudent; act as a shepherd, as a doctor, as a wise man (philosopher), as a psychologist, or a psychiatrist (soul doctor), or as a wise and kind father with all his children. Just before vespers, I became extremely upset with my anger at the beggars and came to church confused, agitated, and suffering; but then I cast myself before the throne of mercy, into the abyss of the Lord’s mercy and bounty, and - a great miracle! The Lord suddenly brought me from death to life, from confusion and storm to peace and silence, from cowardice to boldness, from cramped conditions to space; He served all Vespers with boldness and holy zeal. Stichera on the Lord, I cried out and sang joyfully in the verse; “Having written with Elder Joseph” - the troparion of the forefeast (stichera on the verse), the canon was sung and read at Compline. During the prayer service for the sanctuary of water, the heart shook, swayed into thoughts and feelings of wickedness, greed - and again it was wounded and embarrassed and upset at the end of the prayer service. All attachment to worldly things; The roots of sin have deeply sprouted their deadly branches in me. I prayed for a long time for pardon - and finally I was pardoned again. Glory to the bounties of the Lord. Coming out of vespers and seeing a regiment of beggars demanding various items, some for a shirt and trousers, some for a caftan, [...] I got angry and quarreled, took thirty kopecks back from one of them, but then gave them back again; and he tore off one’s scarf and hat from his head in anger, he wanted to pull out another by the hair, but his hair was too small - he didn’t have time - and in general he was seething with anger at them as if they were deceiving me and doing nothing; I hurt myself extremely, upset myself again, came home dead, began to repent and pray - and again the Lord gave me peace, again raised me from death to life. I praise and thank the Lord. If I always willingly, with faith, with zeal and love gave alms to the poor, then the Lord would give me a thousand times more earthly blessings. But I often gave reluctantly, with annoyance, with abuse, reproaches, which is why I deprived myself of many of the Lord’s gifts, although, however, until now I had not lacked anything. I thank the Lord for His mercy now revealed in me in delivering me from the hellish, destructive fire of sin and from the poison of Satan. I am the ugliest of all mentally, the most sinful, the most disgusting, the most wretched; I am a murderer, because I often hate my brother because of empty things and words, or simply because of an ugly face that does not inspire pleasure, because of a fault, a mistake. I surpass everyone in fornication, malice, love of money, voluptuousness, laziness, and negligence. “Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy” [Exodus 20:8]. A terrible misfortune befell the merchant M. Britnev and his workers for non-observance and disrespect for Sunday by him and his drunken people: a huge steam boiler was torn apart by steam, two people were killed, and a stone wall was broken. This incident must be interpreted in the biblical sense, so that some inattentive, reckless, immoral people will not again begin to insult the sanctity of Sundays and holidays. December 24, 1876. This divine punishment happened on Sunday, December 19th. Breaking the fast tomorrow. Practice moderation. Don’t eat meat: it’s too heavy for you, maybe just a little bit. Drink little wine. December 24. The greatest everyday disgraces happen in the family life of even highly educated and high-ranking people, especially those who are married to a second wife. A story about one senator, who had two daughters from his first wife, how their stepmother kept them locked up, didn’t let them go anywhere, mocked them, left them to treat the servants and even eat with them. But the father, seeing, did not see and did not hear: that’s why, apparently, he’s a senator. Another, similar example was in Kronstadt and there is now - one artillery lieutenant colonel holds his wife and daughter in the same way, scolds, beats often; doesn’t let him leave the house, gives him almost no salary, almost starves him, doesn’t give him money for clothes, he lives with a stranger. Here are our affairs! This is our self-will! Will not the Lord take revenge for this? What is the education of the mind without a good heart and a good life, without faith and virtue? I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the entire Matins without stumbling, with faith, zeal and zeal, especially to read and sing the beautiful canons and stichera in the verse and in the Praise, and to pronounce the dismissal without stumbling. At the prayer service for the blessing of water, at the end, the invisible enemy cruelly laughed at me and wounded me, instilling an unworthy thought about female nature, in which there is nothing blissful, but everything is beautiful, pure, graceful, purposefully arranged by God. For a long time I repented of my uncleanness, then I praised the Lord for all the works of the Lord, all of them together beautiful, and the Lord had mercy on me, granting cleansing and peace. Glory to the Lord! Grant me, Lord, to look at everyone and everything blissfully, from a pure heart. December 24. After the liturgy. I thank the Lord for His extraordinary, wonderful, all-merciful, sovereign, all-saving powers, revealed in me during the service of Vespers together with the Liturgy of St. Basil the Great, when I, being in sinful death due to the cunning of the devil and my own haste and negligence, began the liturgy earlier than the subject and hurried in confusion and cramped spirit by performing the proskomedia, finishing it when reading parimations. Then I cried out, or cried out for a long time, to the Lord, praying to cover all my sins with mercy and grace and to grant me strength and life of spirit to perform the most heavenly Sacrament - and the Lord granted, suddenly removing the cramped conditions and granting peace, space, strength. At the great entrance, Belial was about to kill my soul, but, through the prayer of faith and zeal, the Lord again shone life to me. I glorify His cheerful, all-saving and all-good providence. I thank the Lord for His strength, revealed in me in the successful service of the liturgy at the great entrance, during the reading of the prayer behind the pulpit, and dismissal. Glory! I thank the Lord for the gift of His mercy and bounty, which I received, at my request, for the poor, from the English consuls Maynard and Fishwick (only seventy-five rubles). I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy, indecent, to meet the great day of His glorious Nativity. I ask the Lord for the greatest mercy - to be completely reborn, to be born again and to completely hate and reject the old, all-destructive charm of sin, for until now I, the accursed one, love sin, although I suffer from it extremely much, although it kills me every day and torments, rapes, shames me. I thank the Lord, who gave me yesterday before the all-night vigil and during the all-night vigil the greatest grace - deliverance from confusion, cramped conditions and fear of the enemy and defeating the machinations of the bodiless enemy during the litany, while reading the exclamation “Hear us, O God” and the prayer: “The Master is Most Merciful” and reading the prayer for the blessing of the loaves. But upon release, the enemy broke me through my cowardice and impatience, pain in my leg and fumes in the church from the guard closing the chimney at the wrong time. The damned adversary catches me at every step. But grant me, Lord, the grace to defeat him with Your power and to shame him at every step, on all his ways, or his pathlessness. God! Destroy his flattering power in all members of Your Church, in all Orthodox and non-Orthodox Christians, in all people who have not yet known You, God in the Trinity, and You, One of the Trinity, the Lord Jesus Christ! God! Destroy soon the deception of Islam, the work of the Antichrist Mohammed, who introduced fornication as a law, and hostility towards Your servants, and murder as a law, - for Your power and Yours is the Kingdom and the power and the glory, of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit forever. Amen. I sinned before the Lord: yesterday I grumbled against the All-Good and All-Righteous for not helping to overcome my enemies when saying absolution and the prayer: “Christ, the true Light.” I myself was the reason that the Lord did not help, because I weakened myself with gluttony. To Potapius Kornil. Sysoev to go for alms. Extraordinary gifts were given to the human race by the incarnation of the Son of God: the mediastinum of sin was destroyed between God and man, for an endless sacrifice was made for it for deliverance from sins and from eternal death, resurrection was given to the human race; man is equipped with all heavenly grace, all power for life and piety, brought back into heaven, even seated with Christ on the throne of the Divine, for man is deified by the incarnation of the Son of God; The Church was founded on earth as a society of those who are being saved, united by the almighty, most holy Head - Christ God and animated by one Spirit of grace; the grace of rebirth, or rebirth, sealing and sanctification from the Holy Spirit, which is the guarantee of future blessings, was given - the grace of forgiveness of sins in the Sacrament of Repentance, the celebration and communion of the all-saving, life-giving Sacrament of the Body and Blood of Christ, the healing of mental and physical ailments in the Sacrament of Anointing and the sanctification of the natural birth and upbringing of children in the Sacrament of Marriage. The word of God is constantly proclaimed, the Most Holy Lady Theotokos, all the orders of Angels, all the faces of saints are given as intercessors for us, for they are all united into one Church, into one mystical body; the sky became open and the earth became heaven; believers and those who hear enter paradise again, delighting the Kingdom of Heaven, for “the Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it away” [Matthew 11:12]. Through worship, a person is educated for heavenly life: he is enlightened, cleansed, sanctified, nourished spiritually, and strengthened. - Glory to the Lord about everything. His Grace Metropolitan Isidore again showed me great mercy - he made me the keymaster of the cathedral. May he be honored by the Lord with eternal honor and may he always be honored by me to the best of his ability: his honor is my honor, his glory is my glory, and moreover his honor is God’s honor, his glory is God’s glory, for he is the great hierarch of Christ. Let the lovely demons run around. December 25th. During mass I felt bad; nervous condition; service with Poletaev, who was constantly almost drunk, further intensified the burden; weakness of spirit, which is why I could not speak at all at the great entrance; the outpouring of semen last night had an extremely bad response: no boldness at all, loss of spirit, despondency, I did not dare to raise my eyes to people. In the evening, before the all-night vigil, to which Deacon Poletaev did not come, I felt a real hell inside me, I didn’t know what to do: serve or dismiss the people, because without the deacon I did not serve the Sunday all-night vigil: it was very scary, I was not entirely sober; decided, at the insistence of the headman, to serve. The archpriest did this by illegally keeping the deacon with him for glorification in the parish. - God be with him. But I, not myself, stood at the throne of God, full of indignation at both colleagues; He served, a sinful man, in fits and starts, pronouncing only the ends of litanies and exclamations; furloughs have been reduced extremely. The service was not a service: I upset myself and angered the Lord with murmuring, lack of reverence, negligence, and insolence. We must always be ready, get used to doing without a deacon, so as not to be dependent on him. But glory to the infinite mercy of the Lord: when I, in repentance, plunged into the abyss of His mercy in Suetina’s apartment, before performing baptism, He had mercy on me, releasing me to darkness, and I performed baptism with boldness, without stumbling, peacefully. God forbid that we remember the evil done by the brethren. At the intercession of the Savior, the greatest Sanctifier, Comforter and Helper in all good things, the Holy Spirit, entered the world, Who sanctified and assimilated to God countless people - saints. With such a Comforter and Helper, every Christian can struggle with joy and hope. Grant, Lord! Human nature is greatly honored by the incarnation of the Son of God, who created the world and man in the beginning; In order to see the greatness of the good deed shown by the Lord through His incarnation, let us remember to what extent our nature has fallen, disfigured, dishonored by passions, let us remember the idolatry and debauchery that prevailed in the world, cruelty, ignorance of God, untruths of all kinds. But how it is purified, sanctified, exalted, ennobled, enlightened, fragrant, raised to incorruption by the Christian faith in the person of the holy apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and righteous people and all saints! Blessed is he who remembers this and strives to be holy, for the Lord our God is Holy. December 27. Who is this wondrous old man, the prophet, who appeared to the woman in Dumnov’s house? Isn't it Saint Nicholas? His clothes were long, like a cassock, and his beard was long and gray; the speech is important, dignified. He predicted to the woman that her husband would soon die, and she would get rid of his beatings, for he beat her often; at his wave and prediction, the rooster crowed; he ordered her to be baptized and even corrected her sign of the cross, telling her: not like this, but like this (he forced her to make a full cross). The Lord surprised me with His great power during the Liturgy on Sunday, December 26, through my urgent prayer; took away death, crampedness, sorrow, weakness, fear from my heart and gave peace, strength, life, boldness. - Glory to His mercy! 28. I thank the Lord, who revived me, deadened by sins; glory to the life-giving Mysteries and to the Lord who dwells essentially in them. The sin with which Satan troubles me is forgiven and cleansed by repeated repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the blood of the Lord, according to the Apostle, cleanses us from all sin [1 John 1:7]. And what I give to the poor from my labors, which are abundant before my brethren, is worthy and righteous, for the Lord commanded that the remaining ears of corn be given to the poor of our land, and I gather them: isn’t this work, and not work worthy of praise? Let Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky or anyone else undertake this work and make such a sacrifice to God in the person of the poor! Or should we only collect for ourselves in order to accumulate and accumulate wealth, as the former sergeant-major Archpriest Matthew Veselovsky accumulated, they say, up to fifty thousand rubles? And Pavel Trachevsky has had this amount for a long time. No, “but let no one burden me” [Gal.6:17], away from vain timidity. - Grant me, Lord, to dare, remember my labors, Master, who promised to reward everyone according to his labor. I thank the Lord, who heard me in the hour of cramped conditions and spiritual weakness, in the hour of captivity from invisible enemies and who sovereignly delivered me, like Jonah from the whale, and who gave me freedom, peace and boldness in prayer (requiem service). Invisible enemies are extremely intensifying to drown me in waves of temptations, like rivers rushing towards me. Soon I was captured again, at the end of the funeral service, and it was bitter for me; but again I was saved by the Lord when I went to Timothy Al. Moiseev. For a long time I wanted to use the cross to get money for myself from the parishioners for the benefit of the poor, and now I got some of it, and did what was pleasing to everyone: both the brethren and the parishioners, visiting them with the cross and glory, and the poor. - Confirm this, my God, with Your blessing. Grant me, Lord, the grace to always pray with sincerity for all people, living and dead, in spirit and in truth; grant me to love everyone ardently, unselfishly. Oh, holy Bride of Christ, our Mother, Church of God! Day and night you carry all your children in your mother’s breast, from the hierarch to the cleric and the commoner (about people), from the king to the warrior and the common subject, you care and suffer for everyone, you intercede for all sorts of good things, for the goodness of the air, for the abundance of the fruits of the earth, for deliverance from sorrow, anger and need, for intercession, salvation, pardon and preservation grace. And how ardently she prays for the repose of dead people, with what hope and boldness her prayers, litanies, priestly cries of dismissal are imbued! How this torments the womb of our ethereal enemies! How they strive to block the priest’s mouth, to confuse, hush, stifle him, darken, paralyze him! But, O Lord, you open the lips of our hearts, and the outer lips declare Your praise [Ps. 50:15]. Grant that the word of faith, hope, love and truth should always be loudly proclaimed and the banner of faith held firmly and honestly always and before everyone, regardless of their faces, for “all flesh is grass, and all its beauty is like the flower of the field” [Is. 40:6]. The disembodied enemy deprived me of words at two exclamations of the funeral litany (at the Tretyakovs - in Galkina Street); and on the third, the Lord helped me break his deceit, and said his dismissal calmly, completely. I thank the Lord, who humbled the neck of the fallen archangel, who boasted of his imaginary invincibility. I thank the Lord, who gave me the power to pronounce the names of the reigning house at the early liturgy at the great entrance. I thank the Lord, who gave me a living sense of my spiritual poverty and repentance and at the same time tears of tenderness and with them cleansed and strengthened my soul for the reverent service of the liturgy. The Lord is my life in my death. - O incessant miracle, my Lord, my Lord! December 29. I, greedy and senseless, sinned before God and before myself in that last night with the Klepachevsky guests I ate more than proper at dinner and became satiated with turkey meat. There would be no need to eat at all, because there was no need, and there was no need to drink wine, but I drank five glasses (three of sherry and two of Sauternes); I repent of this and ask for mercy from You, Most Merciful and All-Bountiful! In church I often read in the canons and sing in the stichera about the exploits of the holy saints, fasters and abstinents, how they shone with their souls and bodies in fasting and prayer and became the abode of the Holy Trinity, while I myself still work in the womb, become its slave and offend the grace of God, which pours out abundantly on me through the Holy Mysteries and become a den of invisible thieves. But have mercy on me, Lord! Grant me to serve You with fasting and prayer and cleanse my heart from all filth of sin. Amen. Glory to You, Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy and who has revived me miraculously through Divine communion of the Most Pure Mysteries. But soon after the liturgy, I was extremely embarrassed and upset (and this should not have been allowed; on the contrary, I had to control myself and be calm) by Deacon Poletaev and sexton Vladimir Zrelov, who arrived late due to the fault of Alexei Tretyakov, the former treasurer (living in Galkina Street). I waited for them for half an hour with priest Korolkov and with the relatives and acquaintances of the deceased. The cab driver was more to blame for not driving up to the cathedral where these people were, and I was also to blame for not ordering them to drive up; and they were waiting for me from the Duma. The enemy tormented me for a long time, tempting me in this way, setting my heart on fire with malice, oppressing and killing me. And I succumbed to evil because of yesterday’s satiety: oh, how conveniently the enemy plunges a satiated person into passions! For the heart of a well-fed one is weak to the extreme and conveniently overcome by passions: lack of love, malice, envy, fornication, adultery, anger, negligence, laziness. Have mercy on me, Lord, for Thy name's sake: I have sinned, and henceforth I will avoid satiety. How much harm I caused myself with anger is innumerable: I lost grace, for I thereby offended the Spirit of grace and the humane womb of my Savior; I was in extreme weakness of spirit and body, and suffered the greatest shame. Only deep repentance and the Savior’s endless mercy restored me again to a state of peace and grace. December 30th. I thank and extol my Lord Jesus Christ, who has shown me even today the Divine power of His power and His immeasurable mercy in delivering me from mortal sorrows and distress: before early mass and during mass (before reading the Apostle I was in hellish sorrow and distress, and at this time, through the prayer of repentance and faith, the grief was lifted as if by hand). Then, when the devil faltered at the prayer behind the pulpit, dismissal, and at the funeral cries and dismissal, and I again felt mortal sorrow, the Lord again delivered me through the use of the Holy Gifts. The sorrow before mass occurred as punishment for not giving to the poor. Then, before Vespers, I again did not give to two beggars who asked me, and despised them; and for this I was again punished with sorrow, from which the Lord saved me as a result of my repentance. Then, after Vespers, I became very angry with the two beggars and tore their hair severely. And for this the Lord punished me with the natural consequences of anger: hellish fire penetrated me, scorched, burned, pressed me, I did not see the light of God. And in such trouble I again began to repent prayerfully, and twenty-five minutes later the Lord again had mercy on me - oh, a miracle! - giving me peace, life, forgiveness, space. Why do these troubles, this anger befall me? Because of addiction to temporary goods. I am proud (biased towards myself, my flesh), voluptuous, selfish, envious, proud, willful, disobedient. There is not the slightest logic in sin: it is absurd, stupid, disgusting. How do people love sin? He's seductive. Lack or even absence of appetite after strong anger at someone proves the extreme harm of anger, its deadening effect on the human body, on the liver, stomach, spleen, and blood. So, out of love for yourself, do not be angry and do not be angry with anyone, but look dispassionately at everyone and everything, at all opposites, and do not multiply the evil that has already been committed with your evil. Happy New Year, brothers and sisters. In the new year, I sincerely wish both myself and you spiritual renewal and the putting aside of all the old man with his deeds, that is, all the passions of life. Every passion or sin corrupts and defiles the soul and body of a person and removes him from God, the source of life. Every time we commit a sin, although only in the soul, internally, we fall away from God and fall into sorrow, oppression, death, and if we add sins to sins without repenting of them, we are in imminent danger of completely losing eternal life and falling into eternal torment. Therefore, it is extremely dangerous to joke about sin, to become stuck in sins, to be insensitive. In its worship, the Church carries out the thought and teaching about the unity of believers as members of a single body under the Head of Christ, about mutual love and mutual assistance in prayer and in life, about mutual peace (Peace to all), about holiness and salvation in the soul and in the body; about repentance, about the peaceful outcome from this life, about the future life, about the Last Judgment and our good response to it, about the unity of the heavenly and earthly Church. We want very little, we strive for very little, very insignificant, perishing, fleeting, that is, earthly blessings, wealth, abundance of earthly blessings, earthly glory, earthly pleasures; this is unworthy of us, created in the image and likeness of God with a rational, immortal soul - for the possession and enjoyment of the highest, spiritual, eternal blessings - in unity with God Himself. Meanwhile, through attachment to earthly goods, we destroy spiritual nobility, we darken our heart’s eye, which should forever see God, endless light and endless beauty, endless goodness and perfection, we fall below dumb beasts, for tell me, why do all kinds of untruths, all vices and iniquities reign on earth? All because of an absurd attachment to earthly goods, like a dream that disappears. Because of which disputes, quarrels, fights, disagreements, hard-heartedness and unmercifulness, insane luxury, greed for self-interest and because of it all untruths; Why are there family disagreements, why is there treachery and infidelity of a husband or wife, why is drunkenness, theft, lies and deceit and other countless vices? All because of attachment to earthly things. Poor and pitiful man! It’s as if he forgot who he was and why he came into being and lives on earth. So listen, everyone: I will remind you that you received being in time for eternity, you live on earth in preparation for heaven, for the abodes there not made by hands. Just shake off the sin, shake off the passions and impurities of the earth, the mud of the earth, with which we are not fit to appear in heaven, where everything is holy, spiritual, light, pure, beautiful. - This is what I wish for you and myself in the new year, and always. The disembodied enemy is intensifying to crush my soul, to deprive it of boldness, freedom, peace, the eagle flight of the mountain, befitting a priest. But let this not be, Lord! Give me always the courage to speak about your name, even if I am a sinner, for you alone have sinned and sinned, you will cleanse me. December 31st. Morning. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from the sorrow and distress that befell me for my anger and harsh treatment of the beggars who guarded my entrance to the church and begged for alms in the dark. I became convinced that they were not guilty of genuine parasitism (am I not a parasite myself?), but they were haunted by a real, glaring need: one of them caught a cold and was sick, his feet were frozen. I bitterly repented of my severity and tearfully prayed to the Lord to forgive me: the sorrow immediately passed and joy reigned. Praise the Lord. This happened just before the reading of the canon for the celebration of the holiday. And after Matins, I again became angry with the beggars standing at the Britnevsky fence (they should have come to church); I repent of this anger and ask again for mercy from the Lord. Glory to the almighty, all-good power of my Lord Jesus Christ, who saved me this very moment and cleansed the abominations of my heart. “Who is God as great as our God? You are a God who constantly performs miracles” [Ps. 76:14–15]. I thank the Lord for the ineffable gift of His mercy and for peace during the liturgy, for overcoming the dreamy fear of the enemy when uttering the exclamation “First remember, Lord, the Most Holy Governing Synod and our lord Bishop Isidore, Metropolitan of Novgorod, St. Petersburg and Finland, who also grant Thy Saints to the churches in peace, whole, honest, healthy, long-living, rightly ruling the word of Thy truth,” and for the prayer behind the pulpit, and for complete release - in general, for the triumph of grace in me over all the machinations of the enemy. Do not let a beautiful, meager vessel (I mean a person, especially a woman) captivate you, because it is earth, dust, and decay; think that all beauty is imparted to the body by the soul of man or, better, by the Creator of man, who created him in His image and likeness. May you be captivated by love for the Creator, Who so beautifully and wonderfully created man. Do not look with partiality at any beauty, lest you be captivated by this corruption, and lest the destructive poison of sin penetrate your heart and body, taking possession of you through delusion: delusion is poison and a dream of the devil. December 31st. I suffered terribly, and rightly so, from being fed up at dinner with chicken and meat soup and barley porridge with milk: it seems that a whole legion of demons entered my heart and tormented me until the all-night vigil, during the all-night vigil in the Duma Church, and during the all-night vigil at the Blinovs I could barely pronounce words - my stomach was so clogged with cereal soup or cereal and gruel; During the all-night vigil in the Duma Church, it was as if the goads were pressing into my sides, not allowing me to say a word; Boyle, too, felt extremely embarrassed and constrained: all hell had descended on me. It was also hard for me during the Neustroevs’ prayer service in the Duma Church after the all-night vigil. What follows? – It follows that I am worse than dumb cattle, hitherto satiated with the daily service of the Liturgy and the communion of the Holy Mysteries; I wouldn’t have to eat or drink at all in the morning after early lunch, but I drank tea and ate buns (oh, buns! how heavy they are!), and dined with greed. Food terribly alienates me from God and betrays me to the devil, just as the fruit of the forbidden tree of Adam once betrayed me to the devil. I must definitely fast. I have long seen how strongly fornication rages inside me from gluttony and indulgence and sweet drinking - and I continue to put wood on the fire. - Oh, nonsense! During the performance of solemn services, the vile demon showers me with his vile breath, and I, no stranger to unspeakable sins, become embarrassed and dumb, and when the Lord strengthens me, I am cheerful and unshakable. Grant me, Lord, not to be embarrassed by the devil’s excuses and to stand calmly and say what I should. Grant me sincere and unfeigned love for You and for all people. Prisedeti (Church Glav.) – to sit, to be near something; to deceive, to viciously attack, to oppress. Bashibazuki is the name of the Turkish irregular cavalry units that existed during the Ottoman Empire (literally translated from Turkish it means “with a faulty head”); they were usually recruited from the most warlike tribes (in Albania and Asia Minor). Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos, kontakion 11.