Октябрь 1876 г.

October 1st. Morning. Our Orthodox sign of the cross symbolically contains the main dogmatic teaching - about the Trinity and the Incarnation, and the main commandments - to love God with all your heart, with all your mind and with all your strength, and your neighbor as yourself. Glory to apostolic and paternal wisdom! Instill this in the flock, teach them this apostolic wisdom. Lord help me! I thank the Lord for repeatedly delivering me from the torment of sins - inappropriate feelings during the lesson (looking to the Lord with a prayer of repentance, I was saved) and from anger at the servants Catherine and Fevronia and at the beggars. Glory to the long-suffering and unceasing mercy of the Lord! Glory to the deliverance and renewal granted from Him—rebirth! There is no number of deliverances of the Lord, and He will always and completely deliver. October 2. I thank the Lord for the gift of the heavenly, life-giving liturgy of October 1 and for the revival of His most pure Mysteries. I thank you both for my labors of glorifying the Intercession of the Mother of God, and for the all-night vigil at M.O. Britnev’s home. The right foot was very painful almost all day, that is, the tips of the foot or the toes; There was some kind of steam all day, it made me sweat; all this, as it turned out, happened on the eve of rain with a southeast wind. It was extremely difficult for me to walk with the cross and holy water. Only at seven and a half o'clock in the evening did the pain - the sting - go away. Today there is scrofulous pus from the right ear. Mothers come to me with sick babies: although I am a sinner, I have no doubt to accept them and pray to the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God for the healing of their children, because the priesthood is not mine, but God’s, and all the grace of the priesthood is the gift of Jesus Christ, the only and highest priest, and this grace does not faint for the sake of my weaknesses, but is always strong and effective, and especially the power of God is perfected in my weakness [ 2 Corinthians 12:9]. Therefore, in all things, be glory and thanksgiving to the Lord, and may the gifts of His grace be poured out endlessly and through my unworthiness! Otherwise 41 show me worthy, O Lord, of Thy mercy. October 3. I thank the Lord, who surprised His mercy at the Kronstadt parish trusteeship: Ilya Feodulovich Gromov forgave him, at our request, mine and Andr. Al. Petrov’s, the entire debt - 1865 rubles. It was not in vain that I prayed to the Lord and complained to Him during every liturgy for the forgiveness of our debts; It was not in vain that I served a deliberate prayer service in the church before mass, at the end of September, on the turn of Father Alexander: the prayer in heaven was heard and we were spared by God and His servant Elijah. I did not hope in vain. We praise the Lord, “for He is good: for His mercy endures forever” [Ps. 136:1]. Now, our Lord, Lord, let us beg You for new bounties: send us Thy rich mercies and bounties to support our cathedral singers, there is nothing to support them, Lord! For You, Lord, nothing is great: everything is like nothing and everything is easy and convenient - for us it is difficult, almost impossible to find these means, but to You, Lord, just decide - and it will be. Praise, O Lord, Thy all-powerful and all-generous word, and may you surprise me with Thy mercy. Amen. If Archpriest Matthew, rich in the wealth of this world, comes to truly work for You in the rank of monk, then with dignity and righteousness, let him lay down capital for the maintenance of the singers, the church in which, while serving, he acquired wealth. Thank him, Lord! And let him not run away from us. Otherwise, Your will. I need to eat very little, and not meat, for the seeds of life are always within me. And I never waste them, by the grace of God. Let it be; May I always be a free eater. From gluttony and excess in food, the heart becomes extremely coarse and does not contain faith, hope and love and the fear of God; it can be cold, earthly, self-loving, given over to sweets, love of money, envy, hostility, malice, impatience, laziness, negligence, insolence, disobedience, impurity of lustful thoughts. The Lady purifies our unworthy prayers and carries them to Her Son and God always, and through Her intercession we are given mercy from the Lord: our prayers from unclean lips, from an unclean heart, from an unclean tongue, from a defiled soul are brought and must certainly be purified, pass through a crucible in order to be worthy of acceptance and hearing - such a crucible is maternal love and boldness towards the Son To Her and to the God of the Most Pure Virgin Mary, Her fiery, most holy prayer for us and the holy Angels and all the holy saints of God. Glory to the Lady and thanksgiving, glory and thanksgiving to the holy Angels and all the saints of God! “As you would have people do to you, do so to them” [Matthew 7:12]. A wise commandment. Why don’t many people treat us the way we would like? Because we do not treat them the way they would like and expect. Why do many act insincerely, proudly, enviously, hostilely, selfishly, and partially? Because in us, apparently, there is or happens in relation to them something the same. However, sometimes unkind people treat a good person very badly. It depends on their passions, on their vicious heart, on their bad direction. But with sincere goodwill towards them and fervent prayer for them to God, you can make good people out of them, although not all, but some; You can turn wolves into lambs. In general, we are separated from our neighbors by lack of unanimity, discord, differences in views on things, on life itself, on faith and its duties; suspicion of hostility towards us, envy, pride, deceit - or contempt for any noticed weaknesses, passions, for example, for greed, injustice, unfriendliness, lack of cordiality or double-mindedness, etc. But one must regret and pray for the shortcomings of one’s neighbor, as for one’s own weaknesses, and overcome evil with good, always maintaining love for one’s neighbor, sincerity, meekness, patience, goodwill, humility (if he is senior or in charge). (“Love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who use you and persecute you, so that you may be sons of your Father in heaven” [Matthew 5:44–45].) Further in the Gospel of today, the Lord teaches us to love everyone, not only those who love us, but also those who hate us; to do good to everyone, even to enemies; to lend and not expect return - and for all this he promises a great reward from the Heavenly Father: such lovers and benefactors will be sons of the Most High, Who is good to the good and the evil. “Be merciful,” says the Lord, “just as your Father is merciful” [Luke 6:36]. What will I say to you, brothers, after what the Lord said? I will repeat the same thing: be merciful always, every day, every hour, until the end of your life. Very, very many people need our mercy every day and hour: the hungry, the naked, the sick, not only the good, but also the evil, not our own, but also strangers, not friends, but also enemies. Let us do good to everyone according to our strength. Amen. If we want people to do good to us, then we, in turn, must do the same: not think anything unworthy about them, not harbor in our breasts the slightest dislike, hatred, contempt, envy, ill will and malice towards them, not judge them and not over-judgment in our thoughts, be condescending to their weaknesses, as we wish them to be condescending to ours, always have goodwill towards them, sincere love. This is how we should behave in our souls, internally. And outwardly be affectionate, friendly, helpful, hospitable, condescending, patient, non-irritable towards them. Even in mutual relationships, we must judge ourselves strictly, and always be lenient towards our neighbors, and not vice versa: usually in everyday life we ​​judge others strictly, but excuse ourselves or do not see our own shortcomings, although they should be more visible. 4. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to celebrate the late liturgy, although in extreme crowded conditions from Belial, but in the end in peace; I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit; I rarely said the entire dismissal; at the thanksgiving service I read the entire Gospel, read the entire prayer; only the cry in front of her crushed her: the enemy swooped in and outraged her because of money. Yesterday, he also served the All-Night Vigil for Father Matthew in grace; at first the heart was very dry, rough; stood by the Gospel with good feelings and tenderness; “Christ, Light” he said everything rarely, with an accent. At the prayer service, Poletaev growled very loudly for many years. Notice to him. I even smiled and grinned 42. I sinned against the Lord. October 4. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the divine, heavenly liturgy and for the forgiveness of my sins in the communion of the Divine Mysteries, for life, for peace, for truth and shrines, which I was awarded for the sake of faith in the Lord and in His Holy Mysteries. Thank you for the unfaltering celebration of the holy liturgy and requiem service. But, to my regret, I soon upset Jesus the Lord and the Spirit of grace, being upset at the beggars who stood at the church and expected alms from me; Shouldn’t I have wanted to show mercy to the brethren, having myself received the ineffable mercy of the Lord? But I despised those who asked for alms and became angry with them. Oh, damned sinner I am, a self-lover, a money-lover, a proud man, a sensualist! But what else? Soon I committed a new sin: I became even more upset and became very angry with two beggars who stood at a distance and were expecting more alms. In bitterness of heart and distress, I took them into custody and wrote them down in a book. And in the end he gave them money, fifteen and thirty kopecks. He came home broken, oppressed, embittered, pitiful, spiritually dead. He raised a strong voice of prayer of repentance and hope to God. God! I, the accursed one, plunge myself completely into the abyss of Thy love for mankind: have mercy on me, lead me from death to life, from sin to truth and holiness. I myself condemn myself, I myself admit my madness, my insolence, my pride, my severity, anger, and I curse my passions. Thanks be to the Lord: he heard me and had mercy on me: the fire of hell went out in me, I felt light and free. Henceforth let me beware of anger against the poor. May I look upon them as members of Christ and my own, as children of God, as churches of God, churches of God, as the brethren of Christ and mine, and may I address them meekly, humbly, respectfully, with love. Are you in solidarity with the Gospel in thoughts, feelings, desires, aspirations, words and deeds every day, hour, minute? If you are in solidarity, then I will safely establish friendship with you, for this is useful for me to achieve the goal of my wandering on earth, for the peace and bliss of my soul. But if you have nothing in common with the Gospel, then I will have nothing in common with you. “What fellowship does righteousness have with iniquity? What does light have in common with darkness? What agreement is there between Christ and Belial? [ 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 ]. At the end of summer, the Lord rewarded us with an abundance of the fruits of the earth, which we have already tasted and continue to eat, for our health and pleasure. How can we thank the Lord for His abundant gifts? Let us make our souls as fruitful as possible, decorate them with various virtues: meekness, sincerity, goodwill, kindness, humility, mercy, purity, obedience, patience, abstinence, hard work, godly thinking, and unfeigned repentance. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the oppression of sin when I was going to the gymnasium and, having sinned, repented and prayed as I walked along the road; For a long time sin oppressed me. Finally, the Lord had mercy, and just 43 became in my soul. I thank the Lord, who drove away in me the flattery of the sin of voluptuousness at the sight of a beautiful girl-godfather at the christening, which I performed in Blinova’s house. This sweetness is decay, a sweetened fatal poison, and beauty is beautiful decay, which blooms today, and rots and stinks tomorrow. The only incorruptible, eternal beauty is God, who has placed the stamp of His eternal beauty on all creatures, especially on humans. I thank the Lord, who forgave me the sin of vanity: is my beard really gray, as my sister-in-law Anna K. said? – I looked in the mirror. Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit that everything was created by Him and exists by His sole goodness, that man was created in His image and likeness and the whole earth was subjugated to Him; glory that man who has fallen into sin is not destined to perish forever, but is destined to be redeemed and receive eternal life in heaven; glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit that each of us was created and exists in the world by the sole goodness and mercy of the Lord, despite the multitude of sins; glory that the Lord forgives our sins and has mercy on us, filling us with His blessings, giving life, breath and everything [Acts 17:25]. 4 October. Again I angered my Lord with rage at the poor, with slanderous words and a fight for the hair of one of them, and for this I suffered great distress, impoverishment of grace, spiritual famine, darkness, despondency, grief. Oh, damned sinner I am! Voluptuary, money-loving, miserly, angry, grumpy, irritable, impatient, cowardly, nasty, prodigal! No, I don’t know how to be angry: my anger has never brought about God’s righteousness and never does. I will never be angry with anyone. My heart itself is stupid, senseless: I will never believe it and will renounce all sinful solidarity with it, I will hate my sinful soul, for it is worth it without any contradiction; I will cleave completely to the law of God. - Forgive, forgive, Lord, and also my sins, forgive my pride, forgive the abusive, reproachful, derogatory words with which I reviled Your brethren (and in their person, You, Lord, our Head) - ud 44 Yours, Your children, the sheep of Your verbal flock - the image of Your glory. I know, Lord, and I feel the greatness of my sins, my ingratitude, my dislike, my malice, my pride. Pyotr Alekseevich Klepachevsky, our future co-worker. “It’s time for him (Father Matthew) to establish himself in us,” the words of Father Pavel Trachevsky. May I, God, be established among my brethren, especially Father Paul. I am suspicious and distrustful, I think evil about my brother. Oh, how much the Lord, who loved us immeasurably, honored us, accepting our way of life, soul and body, redeeming us, deifying us, counting us among His city, His Holy Church, in which all His Divine powers were given to us for life and piety. But how ungrateful I am at such ineffable mercies of God: I remain, as always, in captivity of corrupting passions; I anger the Lord, the Head of the Church, His Most Pure Mother, the Head of mental creation; all the heavenly powers that make up with us one Church in Christ, the holy Guardian Angel and all the saints. By the grace of my Christ, I form a sacred union with them - and I am not afraid to be angry, become angry, become embittered, envy, quarrel, become satiated, get drunk, commit fornication internally,” and so on. “You are no longer strangers and strangers, but fellow citizens with the saints and members of God’s household, having been built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ Himself being the chief cornerstone” [Eph. 2:19–20]. Yes, I think about this more often. The eye of my heart is unclean, deceptive, false: I will not trust it, especially in judging my neighbors, but I will heal it with the faith and love of Christ. I will watch it constantly so that it does not deviate towards deceit. I complain, I am upset with the Metropolitan that he twice received me sternly and, apparently, proudly and contemptuously, but how do I myself treat the poor: isn’t it sternly, isn’t it proud? I not only abuse them, but also pull them by the hair, and sometimes I even hit them in the face, going so far as to become violent with them! Am I not worthy to be treated in the same way by those superior to me? Meanwhile, I grumble at this or similar treatment - I’m a madman! Or have I forgotten the law of retribution from the truth of God, that whoever measures the least measure will be measured back to him [Matthew 7:2]! “And whatever you want people to do to you, do so to them” [Luke 6:31]. I want the ruler and kind people to be kind to me, and I myself will be kind, friendly, simple-hearted, and merciful to everyone; May I be pure in soul and heart. Glory to God's truth! I condemn myself for being upset with Metropolitan Isidore. Remove, Lord, the seed of evil from my heart and grant me [...] to love my archpastor. Away with hatred of foreigners, Turks! She is contrary to the Gospel. God! Turn them to Thy knowledge; as ancient as the pagans; teach them Thy truth, Thy faith and love - and they are people, and in them there is a hedgehog in the image. October 5. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate the Divine Liturgy with warmth and unfailingly in the presence of the rector and father Matthew, my wife, sister-in-law Anna and the people, and also the memorial service. I thank the Lord for the heavenly life from communion of the Holy Mysteries. Proskomedia is an abbreviation of the entire weekly and annual cycle of worship, or a brief indication of the subject of the entire liturgy. For what is the subject of liturgy? The offering of the Bloodless Sacrifice to God the Father in propitiation for the sins of the whole world, the remembrance of all saints, living and dead. In the weekly service, we glorify the prophets on Tuesday, and on Wednesday and Friday the delivery to death, crucifixion and death of the Lord for our sins; on Thursday - apostles and saints; on Saturday - all saints, and we remember those who died in Christ. In the annual service, we celebrate the most important events in the life of Christ and the Mother of God, glorify all the saints on each day and pray for the dead. The proskomedia clearly highlights the idea of ​​unity and mutual assistance of the Church in the prayer of some for others - the saints for us, us for the dead - to the Head of the Church Jesus Christ. A prayer service of thanks to the Lord God for forgiveness of the debt to the Gromov guardianship will be served today after early mass. Trustee members must contribute all the money. What are our goals? Find out and strive to achieve by all means possible... October 7. I thank the most merciful, all-generous, and benevolent Lord for the unfaltering celebration of the early liturgy and for the revival of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who forgave me the grave sin of anger and bitterness towards a beggar: the Lord delivered me from great distress only for the sake of the abyss of merit of His godparents - and this was during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism with a [Kurdish] officer (Pelag.Vas.Balykina). O dearest Savior! O most honorable, precious cross of Christ! How many blessings you have! Faith for the mind is an object of the most sublime, purest contemplation; for the heart - the object of desires, the land of desires, love; for the will it is an object of all-powerful aspiration. Therefore, it is obvious: a Christian needs to try to have a pure mental eye, a pure heart, and a good will, striving entirely for righteousness and truth. Need a post. IC-XC-HI-KA 45 . In the epistle of the Holy Apostle Paul there is a similar passage: “who has given us victory through our Lord Jesus Christ!” [ 1 Corinthians 15:57 ]. I thank the Lord, who delivered me today from great troubles and internal misfortunes as a result of gluttony and satiety from the birthday girl Pelagia Two-Eyes (meat pie on Wednesday). I got angry with one beggar rogue and tore her hair during the day, and at home I was upset with my wife, but the Lord soon humbled her through my prayer, and we calmed down. October 9. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate early mass in peace, with a free heart and a clear, loud voice, and to partake of the Holy Mysteries without condemnation. The agreement of thoughts and feelings of the heart and all actions with the Gospel, with its teaching and commandments always produces in us peace, silence, joy, and bliss. If the poor to whom I give are unworthy, then Jesus Christ is worthy, to whom I give. May I be complacent and calm when giving alms, may I give with humility, kindness, and zeal. What does the Lord give me daily in communion and how little am I worthy of His mercy! How generous the Lord is to me and how stingy I am to my neighbors; how long-suffering the Lord is and how impatient I am in not imitating His example! Always rise to the spirit of the Gospel and the Church; always have a heart for grief; pray sincerely for the entirety of the Church; always honor, as befits, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and all the saints. What did the Lord do to save me? And what did I do for the salvation of myself and my neighbors? How proud, voluptuous, money-loving, vain, ambitious am I? October 9. Saturday. I sinned greatly when I became very angry with my servant Catherine because she reproached me for stealing the key, which I actually secretly took from the closet, but as if it were my own, lost and now found. I got very excited, and shouted at her, and brought her to tears, driving her out of my apartment for her (imaginary) insolence. Then I repented and asked her for forgiveness, and we made peace. My wife attacked her for losing the key that her wife had bought for the locks, and Catherine’s servant did not know where the key had gone, and they didn’t ask me. It was natural for her to reproach me for hiding it, but I had to meekly confess and ask for an apology. All-blessed, long-suffering Lord! You again had mercy on me and took away my guilt, giving me peace. Glory to You! And what a heavenly gift I received in the morning at the liturgy in the communion of the Holy Mysteries! But with anger and malice I offended my Lord, meek and humble, silent, long-suffering. And all because of pride and addiction to things! Be all woeful, priest! All heavenly! All meekness! All love, truth, truth, sacredness! October 10. Sunday. Late mass was celebrated in the Duma Church. I thank the Lord for raising me from death to life, through the prayer of my repentance. He performed the Liturgy, according to the ineffable mercy of God, well, excluding the exclamation “First remember, Lord, the Holy Governing Synod and the Metropolitan...” The enemy killed me when it was necessary to reprimand: grant Thy holy churches in the world whole, honest, healthy, long-living, and I could not pronounce, remaining in great shame, confusion, defeat to death, but soon rose again by the grace of the all-generous God. Why such dislike for the Metropolitan? Obviously, this is a devilish obsession because I did not accept with humility and resignation the Metropolitan’s harsh and rude treatment of me. But he is like that with everyone. But he is an old man, depressed by old age’s ailments and archpastoral labors - he must be excused. Moreover, for my sins I am worth harsh treatment and must gratefully accept it as due retribution for my sins, for my harsh treatment of the poor and some other people; for my partiality, ambition, vanity, pride, uncleanness of heart, for rude treatment, and even cruelty towards the poor and, sometimes, my family. I must humble myself and thank the Bishop for the extent of his severity towards me. How much I suffer in spirit, because I have not yet crucified my old man, who is smoldering in the lusts of the deceitful, I have not killed partiality, voluptuousness, the passion for money, for beautiful things; to treats; beautiful faces confuse my voluptuous heart; Barichi and. The hawthorns, in general, fill me with some kind of cowardly fear. It is necessary for a priest to die for everything in order to live the true life, God’s, the Gospel. Grant, Lord! How long will I burden my heart and body with food and drink? I always observe strict abstinence. October 12. I have a very vicious heart and I dare, damned one, to speak disapprovingly of my brother, Archpriest Matthew, in the assembly of people and not to believe his words, considering them lies and hypocrisy, and him as disguised. Am I righteous? Am I not sick with the gravest sins, the damned one? Or am I a man of the heart, a seer, that I attribute to him only hypocrisy, love of money, ambition, and lust for power? He repents before the church, says goodbye to it, going to the monastery, and I tell some: I don’t believe him, he is a hypocrite, because his deeds do not agree with his words. He is very deceitful, greedy for money; having large amounts of money, he pretends to have no money, just like his late wife once did; greedy for both insignia and championship. But is it my place to judge and condemn? This is God’s work, and I must condemn myself, not my brother, and not speak ill of him in front of people, even if what I said were true. God! Correct me myself, my heart, and let me not judge my brother forever, for my judgments are erroneous, biased, dissolved, [undermined] by untruth and envy. Forgive me, Lord, the Knower of Hearts, that I have the audacity to speak unkindly about my brother. But You weigh, Lord, and this is what I wanted, so that they don’t think more about their brother than he is, and don’t accept (I think) a face for the truth. To Your truth, Lord, I must maintain respect and impartiality. Forgive me, Lord, for yesterday’s uncontrollable laughter in a gathering of secular people: I angered You. I thank the Lord for serving the liturgy without stumbling, with great boldness, and for the life-giving, wonderful communion of the Holy Mysteries, and for the gracious, without stumbling, celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism by Nikolai Ivanovich Buranov. Report to the Right Reverend Metropolitan and Grand Duke about Gromov’s donation. Letter of gratitude to Gromov. October 12. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to boldly perform the entire Matins, especially the Tuesday canon and the martyrs Provos, Tarakh and Andronikos and Saint Cosmas of Maium; I thank the Lord, who forgave me the sin of severity and rage at the poor old man for his intense request for alms from me. I repented from my heart and was granted peace. I thank the Lord for the unfaltering celebration of the Liturgy, with tenderness and for the wonderful, life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. Of all the saving works of God in the world, the Holy Church most glorifies the greatest miracle of the Incarnation of God and its saving consequences for the human race and the Most Holy, Most Pure, Glorified Mother of God; These praises of the Mother of God are equal to the sand of the sea, especially in the canons, stichera, dogmatism, and akathists. And She is worthy of this, even if all these praises are not enough, for She was worthy to be the Mother of God and through Her God united with people and deified them. (See “Undefiled, unblasphemous” - the prayer at the end of the Akathist to the Mother of God). And we must, so to speak, breathe in this mystery of incarnation and live by it, be moved by it, be affirmed by it. The priestly and bishop's epitrachelion is a symbol of the covering grace of God. Love covers all things [1 Corinthians 13:7]. God! Leave Your [ox] to live in his dwelling until the end of his life or until his life changes (I wrote on October 13), so that I will complacently glorify You to the end, even if I am unworthy. You, who have given me infinitely much, will you not grant me this little that I ask of You? Grant it! Grant me, Lord, to offer You, as a pleasant sacrifice, constant abstinence in food and drink, for on this apparently insignificant circumstance - eating and drinking every day, how much our spiritual life and progress in faith, hope and love for You, our God, and our neighbor depend; the greedy and well-fed are always incapable of these virtues. On the highest place you stand, priest, where or from where you contemplate the King of creation, the Lord God, the Queen of Heaven and earth, the ranks of angels and the faces of saints; the whole earthly and underground world, “every tribe of those in heaven, on earth and under the earth” [Phil. 2:10], - in the place where you constantly pray, thank and glorify the Lord, the Creator of the all-good, all-powerful, all-righteous, all-knowing, all-wise, where you perform the heavenly Mysteries, from where the creative word of the Gospels is always heard. What should you be like? What a heavenly mind you must have, what a pure, uplifted, fiery heart! What truly perfect love you should have in your heart for God and your neighbors! How holy your will should be! Think about this often. 14. I thank the Lord for His inexpressible mercy towards me, revealed in the service of Matins and the Liturgy, for the joy and boldness with which I read the canon and served the Liturgy; I especially thank the Lord for the life-giving communion of His Holy Mysteries and for the victory over the invisible enemies who fought me evilly. But I angered the Lord, accursed, by gluttony and gluttony during dinner, which made my soul and body heavy; and gluttony in the evening, at night, for I ate a bun with butter and drank milk unnecessarily, which is why, when I woke up in the morning, I felt emptiness and melancholy in my heart. 15. I thank the Lord for the service of Matins, without stumbling, with great boldness and joy, and for the sweet canons. I thank the Lord for reviving me, deadened by sins; I thank you for the tenderness, for the communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the wonderful divine warmth from communion, which sweetly penetrated all my insides. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the greatest distress that befell me in the apartment of Pavel Stepanovich Burachok after reading Father Matthew’s farewell words. She tormented me for a long time, finally she gave in to my strong prayer and disappeared by the grace of God. 16. I thank the Lord for the entire Sabbath service, completed with His gracious help, without stumbling and life-giving. At the all-night vigil in the Duma Church, “Come, let us worship,” he pronounced all the invitations firmly. God bless! Grace trampled upon the ethereal enemy who raised his head! Oh, what amazingly close communication the Lord entered into with creation, the Prototype with the image (man): the unity of natures - God's and man's. Humanity is deified, seated on the throne of the Divine. Oh, who after this will not struggle, cleansing himself from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit! Oh, how perfectly our nature is designed by the wise Artist in all respects! How necessary, how beautiful, how expedient are all the members of the human body from the first to the last! And what important, great, beneficent and holy purposes they are appointed to serve! How we were not afraid and ashamed to use these members for evil, as means for animal pleasures! Oh, truly we must revere this church of God, that is, the human body, and its inhabitant, the soul created in the image of God! There should be no guile in our thoughts and hearts regarding any member! All are venerable, holy, like the work of the all-holy God. October 19. I thank the Lord, who gave me this unworthy day, the beginning of a new summer in Christ. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to offer Him prayers of glorification and thanksgiving during Matins with a joyful, triumphant spirit, successfully, without stumbling. But I bitterly weep and lament the sin I committed while reading the Gospel at the prayer service, at the initiative of the devil and my vanity, the uncleanness and abomination of my earth-loving, voluptuous and proud heart, namely, the contempt in the heart of my nephew Ivan Fidelin, who was standing in the church, for his ugliness, clumsiness and crookedness, although he is absolutely not to blame for that, for he is such from birth and from the disease of smallpox; And besides, is man really an object of voluptuousness? Isn't he a moral, rational, god-like being? Isn’t the soul in it an essential part, an immortal being, while the body is decay and, due to our sins, frailty, our ignorance, unfavorable circumstances of upbringing, is subject to various damages, disfigurements, distortions in this temporary life - for in the future, the bodies of good people will shine like the sun in the Kingdom of the Heavenly Father and receive all the wonderful splendor. Wasn’t my ugly and crooked nephew born of water and the Holy Spirit? Is he not also called the son of God by grace? Isn’t he given the betrothal of the Spirit in his heart and he is not the church of God, doesn’t the Spirit of God live in him? Is he not the heir of the Kingdom of Heaven, according to the promise of God? Is he not a partaker of the Body and Blood of Christ? Is he not His body, is He not His member? Is he not a sheep of His verbal flock? Isn't he my dick? So, for all this, I must love and take care of him as myself, and not despise him, not push him around, not have any enmity towards him, which is from the devil and destroys me, first of all. I condemn myself with all my heart for allowing hostility and ask the Lord for unfeigned love, and first of all, forgiveness of my sins. From two sides the incorporeal enemy sets intrigues for me: both from the ugliness of the face and from the side of good looks: with ugliness he separates the ugly person from him, and with his good looks he attracts him carnally, sinfully, sweetly. Both are vanity and lawlessness. Every person must be loved in Christ, holy, purely, unselfishly. The priest must have dispassion, directness, purity, gentleness, and unshakable calm; must boldly look around a large or small gathering of all kinds of people, especially in the church, during service, for his eye is the image of the Eye of the All-Seeing. Grant, O Lord, to Thy servant Thy perfection. “Make me perfect in Your paths, so that my steps may not move” [Ps. 16:5]. Sergei Dmitrievich gave four rubles. Just as heaven is distant from earth, so the holy saints of God are superior to us sinners: they are heavenly - we are earthly, earth-loving; they are holy - we are filled with many sins; they loved God with all their hearts, with all their strength, and hated themselves and the world - we love ourselves and the world, all its stifling customs, contrary to God, to the utmost passion; they acquired a heavenly mind, a heavenly heart, a heavenly will, having loved the will of God and rejected their own, carnal, corrupt, destructive, - and we have earthed and defiled in ourselves the mind, the heart, the will, and all the dispositions and inclinations of the soul. Therefore, let every Christian reverence the saints, and let him honor them with the appropriate honor with which God Himself worthily glorified them, and let him imitate their life, their faith, living hope and fiery love, let him warm his heart, remembering their ardent love for God and their neighbors, and let the mountain strive, where is eternal love, which has loved everyone, where is eternal truth and a shrine where there is eternal life and eternal praise, the eternal joy of the saints. October 21, Thursday, five and a half o'clock in the morning. Before the ninth canon of the canon, the Church established the singing of the most joyful song of the Mother of God, who conceived in the womb of the Eternal Son of God, and in response to Her magnification, the Lord magnifies Her as having become the most honorable Cherub and the most glorious without comparison Seraphim, and in the ninth canto we glorify the wonderful incarnation of the Son of God from the Virgin Mother for the salvation of mankind. The mind and heart cannot be satisfied with contemplating and magnifying this immeasurably great sacrament: there is so much love, greatness, wisdom, beauty, sweetness in it; there is so much sacredness, light, truth in it; so much indescribable power and strength: “it amazes 47 for the mind understands every birth of God from the Virgin” 48. I glorify, extol and thank with all my heart my Lord Jesus Christ, who surprised me this day with His goodness and His power in delivering me from the oppression and sorrow of sin and who gave me mercy, peace, freedom, boldness through my faith and repentant prayer. Glory to His righteousness, His power, His mercy! Twelve o'clock in the afternoon. October 21. I thank the Lord for His indescribable mercy towards me, shown in delivering me from the cramped conditions, sorrow and despondency that befell me for condemning Brother Matthew M. Veselovsky, that he entered monasticism out of ambition and greed. I must judge myself mercilessly, but God judges my neighbor, testing the hearts and entrails, but we do not know the human heart. I thank the Lord, who gave me peace before the all-night vigil in the Duma Church and during the all-night vigil. The priest is the angel of the Lord Almighty, invested with the power and power of God to cover people with blood, like the Lord. Whom will he fear, especially during prayer? He must be above all human fears, all servility (you were bought with a price; do not become slaves of men [1 Cor. 7:23]); must have great boldness before God and people at every hour; he must philosophize above, not earthly, must be kind, like an Angel, and protect the people entrusted to his care, like a Guardian Angel. October 22. I thank the Lord, who gave me great boldness in serving the all-night vigil in the Duma Church on this day and the prayer service of the Blessing of Water in the apartment of the magistrate Shebunin, the birthday boy. Encourage me, Lord, always in serving You, and may the upcoming faces of the powerful, noble and rich of the earth never confuse me. God! Just as you healed the ulcers of my soul always, every day, so heal and bind up the ulcer of the heel and of my wife Elizabeth. Hey, wake up! Amen. Oh, much-merciful, long-suffering, who binds and heals every day the wounds of my many-passionate soul! I thank You, I glorify You, I love You with all my heart, and with all my strength, and with all my thought. May it be done by Your grace! The firstfruits of the Lord [Lev.23:16–17]... Glorious service... The priest must be alien to human fear, like the angel of the Lord Almighty, but also alien to worldly passions - self-love, earthly ambition, vanity, malice, envy, pride, cowardice, carnality, gluttony, partiality, contemplation; he must set an example to the faithful in all virtues - an example of love, meekness, humility; good nature, sincere goodwill, honesty, non-covetousness, hard work and diligence; patience in sorrows and adversity, impartiality, love of truth. May every priest remember his high rank! For where does he stand and what does he do? – In the Holy of Holies of the Church of the Heavenly God; at the very throne of His glory, together with the holy angels of heaven; intercedes for people, standing as a mediator between God and them; performs the heavenly Mysteries - Baptism, sealing with the Holy Spirit, the Mystery of the Body and Blood of the Lord; serves as a mediator of communicating to people the greatest, saving, heavenly gifts of God, a preacher of the greatest truths of God, an authoritative shepherd, leader and leader of the verbal flock of God. Let every priest look at himself with respect, let him not humiliate himself before worldly people, and let him not be faint-hearted. Oh, grant me the strength, Lord, to always behave this way. Wake up! Amen. October 22. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to please many before the liturgy - in the service of twelve prayers in honor of the Icon of the Mother of God of Kazan and to bring twenty-four rubles for the benefit of the brethren - with yesterday and today after mass. I thank the Lord for the blessed liturgy, accomplished without stumbling by the grace of God. I thank the Lord for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the victory of the subtlest machinations of the enemy after communion and after the liturgy. At the prayer behind the pulpit, the end was a little understated due to embarrassment that occurred as a result of internal self-praise, that, they say, if everyone prayed so well, then the Orthodox would not suffer from wars and the world would be at peace. It happened for a moment - and then I became embarrassed and confused. So soon the Lord punished. I deeply condemned myself and humbled myself before the Lord as nothing, as dust, as sin, as an abomination, as the most pitiful weakness - and the Lord had mercy: I calmed down, felt the power of grace within me and said goodbye well. After writing down the money in a mug of twenty-four rubles, I was greatly wounded in my heart and died with it for two whole hours because I regretted the entire entry, that I did not allocate two rubles from the free income to the poor, that I envied the archpriest, who does little and receives one and a half times more than me. But I had to thank the Lord for the fact that He deigned me to spend so much time in prayer and praise and inner illumination and purification (five hours) and then gave us so many material gifts. For to glorify the Lord and Lady is a gift. 23. I thank the Lord, who, through my prayer, girded me with power from above at the wedding of the official Pavel Andreev in the church of the Technical School, in front of a multitude of high society audiences of both sexes. Fasting and prayer brought me this grace of God, for it was a fast day: I read rarely, without embarrassment, with great boldness, a triumphant spirit, only when reading the Gospel, at the end, I doubted, became confused and then began to stumble and did not express my resignation. May the Lord forgive me for this and deliver me from all hesitation and doubt in the future. I thank the Lord, who showed me a new and great mercy when I fell to Him with a prayer for mercy and deliverance from the oppression, sorrow, shame and inner powerlessness that befell me after doubt and stumbling while reading the Gospel and the following prayers. The Lord completely delivered me and gave me peace, boldness and freedom. Glory to the Lord, the most merciful and obedient. I sinned against the Lord, after my marriage I drank quite a bit of wine from my fellow priest P. Preobrazhensky. Forgive me, Lord! I thank the Lord, who heard me in the hour of fear, sorrow and weakness of spirit and gave me the courage and strength to perform a prayer of gratitude on the day of the act of the gymnasium, in the presence of the mayor, generals and other military officials, ladies, girls, commanders, mentors and students of the gymnasium. Glory to the Conqueror of hell, who has risen against me. Gluttony and satiety kill in the heart spiritual love for God and one’s neighbor and the desire for a future, incorruptible life, as well as the love of money and addiction to earthly distinctions. Be afraid, O priest, of satiety, of this swinish life, as well as Judas of the love of money and Pharisaic ambition. How long will you resist the Holy Spirit, who kindles heavenly love in you for your tearful repentance, who has mercy and cleanses you and enlightens you? The end is at the door, judgment is near: rise up to do the commandments of Christ, and at their head is abstinence and humility with unfeigned repentance. The Most Pure Mother of God herself looks upon the communicant of the Holy Mysteries with love and respect as the animated church of God, all the heavenly powers and all the holy servants of God - patriarchs, prophets, apostles, saints, martyrs, saints and righteous ones. Do you, a communicant, not respect and value yourself, for the sake of the great 49 heavenly gift that lives in you? Are you not yet thoroughly raking up sin and acquiring what is holy? If so, then fear the Last Judgment of God. Remember the words of the Apostle about the land, which drank in abundance the rain of heaven and became barren: it has cuttings and curses and burnings nearby [Heb.6:7-8]. Read this passage in the letter of the Apostle Paul to the Hebrews and rise immediately to a holy, sinless life. It is now time to rise from sleep [Rom.13:11]. 24. I thank the Lord, for this day was also a day of greatest mercies to me and to the people of God, God’s mercies: for the matins and early masses that I served, my voice was pure, strong, pleasant, I served, read the songs with great boldness, joy and sweetness; The name of the Lord, through my faith and inner prayer, performed great miracles of deliverance, especially during mass, especially after the great entrance and at the water-blessing prayer service. There were many needs, and the Lord helped to accomplish everything for good, with victory over passions and opposing forces - glory to the Lord. But he sinned against the Lord by eating too much and drinking wine; I drank strong wine at Burachok's, although not with pleasure; It’s not healthy wine, it goes to your head, it gives you a headache—two glasses of it. 25. “Let us commit ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God”; ourselves and our whole life, that is, with all the joys and sorrows, successes and failures, insults from our neighbors or their disposition, with all thoughts, feelings, intentions, undertakings, words and deeds - we will hand over to Christ God as our almighty Head, Heart-Knower, Savior and Judge. Let us not take revenge for ourselves, let us not think badly of our neighbors, for our thoughts are sinful and deceitful; God alone tests the hearts and entrails. “Every man is a lie” [Ps.115:2]. My feelings have deceived me a thousand times, especially my hostile feelings towards my brother; they were inspired and excited by Belial, only tearful repentance freed me from them and calmed my soul, returning it to the path of truth and righteousness. Today I bitterly condemned Father Matthew, my former co-worker, and now a member of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra, calling him a hypocrite, a self-seeker, evil as a snake, grumpy; although this is true, I should not have talked about it, but covered his shortcomings with love, praying to God for him, for I too am a great sinner. From the 25th to the 26th, in the night, artillery soldiers transported cannons and cannonballs on huge wheels; the noise and knocking woke me up, and I got up and went to the window - then I fell asleep; and soon an extraordinary sight presented itself to me in a dream, but as if in reality. I see a huge giant, black as coal, on a black, huge horse: I now imagined that it was Satan and began to disown him, striking him with the cross; He galloped along, his horse galloping under him, turning back and raising his head and shaking his mane. Satan said something to me, it seems the following words: happy are you that you are with Christ. Yes, this bloody, cruel war between the Turks and Christians is his business. October 27. Wednesday. I thank and glorify You, most merciful Lord, for all the miracles of Your mercy in me, a sinner. Behold, I called You this morning in the apartment of P. Grieg. Ponomarev (in Gromov’s wing) before the funeral service, and You heard and delivered me from my sins and gave me great boldness at the funeral service and during the reprimand of dismissal, teaching me in my heart to trample on beauty and all human glory. Then at the gymnasium, before my second lesson, You saved me. At the evening funeral service, You wonderfully granted me triumph over the vanity of the world and over my passions; I said leave all boldly. Then at Yudenich’s the Lord saved me at the all-night vigil, finally delivered me from the greatest melancholy, sorrow and cramped conditions (after a quarrel with my wife over a gift of a scarf, which was stolen by my wife) that befell me. For a long time I walked along the street, begged, and cried before the Lord. Finally the door was opened to the one who was knocking, and I calmed down. October 28. I thank the many-merciful and quick-to-obey Lord, who healed the heel of my left foot shortly after my prayer. So, Lord, heal the leg of my wife Elizabeth and do not let doctors depend on her property. I thank the Lord, who constantly has mercy on me, although I am unworthy. Yesterday I sinned by breaking my fast by eating a quick, rich pie with fish from the officer Hildebrandt Yakov Apollonovich, and then soon I had another snack from Yudenich and Andrei Alekseevich, the watchmaker. And as a result of this there was a tightness in the heart, a special passion for the earth, alienation from heaven and from love for God and neighbor, and a quarrel with his wife over a hidden scarf, grief towards his wife. I wouldn’t have to look for a handkerchief, but I searched with harassment - what use would it be to me? I need very little food and drink, but out of habit I madly strive to eat a lot, and for this I suffer in soul and body, deprived of grace and exhausting the body’s strength to strengthen digestion during great movement; I insult the Spirit of grace and my Lord Jesus Christ and the Father God who is in Him. I have sinned, have mercy, Lord! Give me the grace of abstinence and fasting. From the mixing of fasting and fasting food on the third day and yesterday there was a terrible tightness inside. Liturgy is a heavenly service on earth, the sacrament of truth, holiness, wisdom, goodness, omnipotence, the sacrament of immortal life. Every Orthodox Christian must always have a heavenly, heavenly heart! 30. Until now, in my chest, earthly love is burning, disgusting to God, disastrous for me: hitherto I have an addiction to food, to clothing, to soft or shiny, generally beautiful things, an addiction to faces, or contemplation and partiality, an addiction to luxury and beautiful surroundings. Oh, how I sin before God with the entire direction of my ungodly life. Last night I broke my fast and abstinence: I ate some breadcrumbs and drank half a cup of milk, and at night, when I woke up, I felt melancholy in my chest, the deprivation of God’s grace. He got up, learned about the time and then began to baptize his chest and womb with faith - and the name of the Life-Giving Trinity and the sign of the cross drove away melancholy and death. Glory to the Lord! And for me - shame on my face! (And in a dream I saw myself as a greedy glutton! God! Change me! May Your love, heavenly love, burn within me!) The Mother of God is exalted above the Cherubim and Seraphim and every creature, but for your salvation and exaltation, may she save and cover you; all the saints of God are exalted by the wondrous salvation from sin, the greatness of miracles, the rivers of living waters flowing from their wombs and watering the universe, the incorruptibility of their remains - but again for your salvation and exaltation, so that you can draw from this source of living waters and the abyss of miracles, so that you see in them your nobility, your calling to a higher calling, the greatness of your soul, created in the image and likeness God, and despised the flesh, the world, carnal passions, all earthly corruption, and with all the strength, with all the fervor of heavenly love, strove for the heavenly Kingdom, fighting passions and lusts and all the enemies of salvation, visible and invisible. The history of the Church, the lives of saints, holy icons should be your constant guides to heaven, especially divine services, the Sacraments, abstinence, fasting and prayer, and obedience to shepherds. Every undertaking loves diligence, constancy, perseverance, and under these conditions it is conveniently brought to an end; for example, whether someone is building a house or other building, or writing an essay - in all mental and mechanical matters diligence and persistence are needed. So, all the more necessary is diligence and self-motivation, perseverance in our most important task on earth - in the task of saving our souls, for the sin that lives in us is extremely persistent; the infection of sin, the poison of sin has penetrated deeply into us. Grant, Lord, that every Christian should strive to save his soul more than any other work. Oh, how petty, vain, and self-loving I am, that I concern myself with my face, which is subject to decay and generally has very little meaning if the face of the soul is unclean, unattractive, not white, not divinely beautiful; I also consider and are seduced by the beautiful faces of other people, especially women, as great, although they are perishable, like grass, and quickly fade, like plucked flowers; I am seduced by money, clothes, luxurious houses, although it is all smoke. Is the soul, which is created in the image and likeness of God, beautiful, is it dressed in grace, holiness, and truth? Isn't she poor, isn't she naked? Isn't she poor? The priesthood is ordained by the Lord to save sinners, to cleanse lepers, to sanctify those defiled, to appropriate those alienated from God to God, to renew those who have become obsolete, to adore human creation, to create incorruptible from corruptible, from heavenly from those on earth, from sinners to saints, from those who have not received mercy, from those who have not obtained mercy, from those who are perishing saved, from those of the flesh to become spiritual. Glory to the ministry of the priesthood! Grant us to accomplish the feat honorably! 30. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who mercifully visited me during the all-night vigil - with spiritual understanding and sweet tenderness, especially while standing at the Holy Gospel while the parishioners kissed it; thank you for the tears of tenderness. The Church is the house of God; in it is the Lord, the Head of all the saints who triumph in heaven and live and struggle on earth, and these are His members; the one Spirit of God quickens, sanctifies, and confirms everyone. In this house of God, everyone is close to each other, like members to each other, everyone - healthy and weak members, heavenly and earthly - helps each other; earthly ones pray to heavenly ones for help; the heavenly ones beg the Lord Himself, and thus the great mercy of God is abundantly shed on the Church, on all its fullness. The earthly Church, both in previous generations and now, is filled with miracles of the Mother of God and various saints. Remember, brethren, this closeness of yours to the head of the Church and to all the saints, and live worthily in such a glorious, holy society of the faithful, such a great Holy Head, the Lord Jesus Christ, and such a great and holy helmsman of the Church, the Holy Spirit. On week 23. You have heard, brothers and sisters, from this Gospel the story of the torment of the devil over the possessed; they heard how many unclean things entered into the unfortunate man and lived in him as in a church; heard how evil demons tormented him, not giving him peace anywhere and often breaking him; They heard how the demoniac, seeing Jesus, cried out, fell before Him and said in a loud voice: “What have you to do with me, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I beg You, do not torment me” [Luke 8:28], and how the Lord cast out a whole legion of demons from him; They heard how the demons asked the Lord not to command them to go into the abyss, but into the swine herd, and He commanded; how a herd, driven by demons, was thrown into the water and drowned; how the inhabitants of that place asked the Lord to leave them and how the demoniac asked the Lord to stay with him, and the Lord sent him to his people in the city to tell what the Lord had done to him. Did you hear me say? Now I will say that this unfortunate demoniac is an image and some likeness of all people possessed by various worldly passions: various passions, vices, sinful habits - this is that legion of evil spirits that has taken possession of a sinful person. And if everyone takes a closer look at themselves, then many will find within themselves a whole legion of various passions that depress a person, and, firstly, an evil demon torments mortals with incessant vanity. And - oh, if I could paint a picture of human vanity and all the emptiness of many, many human souls! - then this would be enough to see how our evil tormentors, the demons, have entangled us with their shackles, bound each of us with chains because of our sinful addictions and habits, and how we are further and further from true life in the spirit of the Christian faith. Look: what are our sinful souls and our sinful thoughts occupied with? Some are busy with the exquisite decoration of their heads and clothes - this is a passion for grace; the passion to please the eyes torments others day and night. Poor souls! Where is your imperishable beauty, where is your imperishable white robe like snow that you received in baptism, and why does it not occupy you, why did you not preserve it and do not preserve it and, having lost it, do not look for it again in repentance and virtue? After all, we all must present ourselves to Christ the Savior in this robe. Brethren! There is something more important in us that needs to be decorated - this is our immortal soul, but almost no attention is paid to that - it is directed most of all to the corruptible body, prepared as food for worms and corruption. Then many mortals are tormented throughout their lives by the demon of self-interest; all their lives a person collects wealth greedily and does not know to whom he collects it, and more often it happens that he collects it for his growing sons and grandsons; If a poor man asks him for alms, a rich man will often, like a man possessed, scold and beat him because, in his opinion, an impudent beggar dares to ask him for money. Some are tormented to the death by the demon of ambition, and under the pretext of his own merits, real or imaginary, he strives for orders, distinctions and various advantages in order to become higher than his fellow servicemen, in order to hang his chest with many distinctions. And this is vanity, for all earthly honors and distinctions without virtue are vanity, and true virtue never wants to magnify itself before people and strive to become higher than them. But a terrible kind of rage in people is drunkenness; If anyone especially resembles the demoniac now described, it is a drunkard. He beats everyone and everything, breaks, tears, or tries to steal everything in the house and exchange it for wine. A terrible picture will appear to the eyes of a person in the house where the drunkard lives: this is not a house, but a den of robbers, this is a grave in which a drunken man buried himself and his family alive. One could continue the picture of the various madness of human passions, but what has been said is enough to see how evil demons still torment people with various harmful habits, passions, vices and hold them daily in their captivity, disfiguring their lives, making them the living dead: “tomb their dwellings forever” [Ps. 48:12], says the holy king and prophet about some people. God grant that our bodies are not the coffins of our souls. Let us adorn, brothers, with the virtues of the soul; Let us be enriched with the incorruptible wealth of [truth] - love and mercy, let us strive through abstinence, fasting and prayer to become churches of the Holy Life-Giving Spirit. Amen. The life-giving power of the cross of the Lord shows us that on it those who suffered not only paid their debt to God’s justice for us, but also received infinitely many gifts from Him for us. He ascended “on high, he took captivity captive: he gave giving to men” [Ps. 67:19]. Glory to the Lord for this. Obache (Church Glorious) - however, however. Grin (Church Glav.) - laugh politely, grin. Simple (Church Glav.) – open, direct, pure. Ouds (Church Slavic) – members of the body. “Jesus Christ Nike” - from Greek. "Jesus Christ the Winner." These words are usually carved on seals placed on proskomedia prosphoras used during the Divine Liturgy. Lishshe (church glory) – more. Izumevati (Church Glav.) – to lose strength, to lose one’s mind, to be amazed. Irmos of the 9th song of the canon at Matins of the Feast of Pentecost. Tolikiy (church glory) – so great. Ever (Church Glorious) – always, constantly.