Июнь 1876 г.

June 1st. Sixth grade exam. Some students, such as Sakharov, Emelyanov, Sizov, answered unsatisfactorily; [Alasheev] – very good. The gift of rebirth, of holiness, given to us by the Lord Jesus Christ in Holy Baptism and Confirmation, is priceless, and we, all who call ourselves Christians, must cherish it, keep it within ourselves, if we have the grace of God; to gain with all our might, if we lose it through sins, to live in unceasing repentance, like those who continually sin and have sinned a lot before. “The Lord knows those who are His”; and: “Let everyone who confesses the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness” [2 Timothy 2:19]. “Hallowed be Thy name” [Matthew 6:9], we say. This petition presupposes in the truly praying person an ardent desire to live holy in soul and body, in accordance with the high calling of a Christian and a child of God, and with all his might to hate sin and remove it as an obstacle that destroys our saving union with God. Thus, a Christian person hates both lustful thoughts and instant feelings of envy, deceit, humiliation of a neighbor or hostility towards him, and so on. Oh, that the Lord would give this to all of us! On June 4, on Friday evening, there was a strong squall of wind from the south, terrible dust rushed through all the streets, higher than houses and garden trees; Soon afterwards it began to rain very heavily, before which a loud noise was heard; everything got wet and flooded in a minute; Streams flowed everywhere. This morning it was extremely hot, and yesterday afternoon and evening and night I didn’t know where to go - it was so hot. Thanks be to the Lord, who cools us with rains and revives the earth through them! We depict the sign of the cross on our foreheads, hearts and shoulders so that the name of the Most Holy Trinity and the name of the Lord Jesus Christ will constantly be in our minds and hearts, and love for God will be demonstrated by all our activities, so that we will sacrifice all the strength of soul and body to God and crucify our flesh with passions and lusts. June 5. The heat is great. Yesterday and the third and fourth days the fever was up to 31 degrees [according to Rümer]; there was nowhere to go. June 6. I thank the Lord for the priceless, life-giving liturgy (early) in the Duma Church; I was dead in spirit - she revived me through the communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries of the Lord. He celebrated Mass in good faith, although at the great entrance his heart was paralyzed by the enemy. At the christening of my daughter Rodiontsova, I turned out to be very unfaithful to my Lord in my heart due to my addiction to perishable things, specifically to the scarf; I expected that the merchant daughter Piminova, who was expected, would be my successor, but who did not come, having left for Rambov; the recipient was the mother of the child's mother. I was overcome with inner annoyance that my vain desire was not fulfilled; the enemy incited and confused, oppressed, shamed me, killing my heart and darkening my mind. And this is with such a Sacrament as Baptism, where I pray that the person being baptized will put off the old man, corrupted by the lusts of delusion, and put on the new man, which I should have been for a long time. I preferred a perishable thing, which was unnecessary to me. He offended the Lord, the Spirit of grace, saddened him, turned out to be an earthly and vain man, and for that he was justly deprived of peace, boldness, joy, freedom, light, lightness, being subjected to confusion, fear, despondency, melancholy, binding, heaviness, darkness, shame, death. Forgive and heal, Lord, my infidelity. Grant me always to philosophize as the Holy Church philosophizes, the bearer and guardian of Thy Spirit, Thy shrine, the preacher of Thy desires. Grant me to count as rubbish all the red earth, as it is corruptible and corrupts our spirit. We have been living with you for a long time, and you are with us, our beloved children in the Lord—what then? Do we love each other sincerely, in a Christian way, or do we not love each other, or do we love hypocritically; Does our love for each other increase or decrease, dry up, and be destroyed? It shouldn't be like this, my brothers. Why do we profess the Christian faith? Why were you baptized? Why are they joined to the Church? Why is the Gospel read to us in church? Why do we read “I Believe in One Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church?” 27 Not to love one another means to renounce faith in Christ, to be worse than a pagan: “If anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his own household, he has renounced the faith and is worse than an infidel [1 Timothy 5:8]. “He who does not love his brother whom he sees, how can he love God whom he does not see? And we have this commandment from Him, that whoever loves God should love his brother also” [1 John 4:20–21]. What is the difference between us and the saints? Firstly, that we are sinners, unclean, but they are holy and pure in soul and body; secondly, the fact that, out of love for God and their neighbors, they rejected all earthly attachments, rejected self-love and loved God with all their hearts, with all their strength, with all their thoughts (they constantly thought about Him, about fulfilling His holy will), while we are full of worldly passions, extremely self-loving, self-willed and therefore cannot love God with all our hearts; thirdly, the fact that the saints were reborn, became new, righteous people, heavenly people on earth, and we all remain old sinners with all the old and inveterate sins, passions, habits, inclinations, we do not think about heaven, or live heavenly on earth, but have all given ourselves over to earthly cares. This is the difference between us and the saints! Isn't it true that we should imitate them as much as possible? The Truth of God, which in the Church (in Scripture, in all services and Sacraments) is dearer and higher than father and mother, dearer and higher, more glorious than the sovereign and empress, every person, dearer than any treasure, more beautiful than any beauty, and therefore - firmly, calmly, boldly it must be spoken in the face of all human celebrity or transient human greatness, all fading beauty and not be carried away by the heart after the lusts of life. And for this you need to constantly cleanse your heart through abstinence, prayer and alms and teach it to be dispassionate. To Silin about trees and boards. The children from the customs showed me a good sign, running out to me with joy for a blessing and kissing my hands. And at home my pets are like animals. It was because of the oilcloth on the sofa, which I ordered new to be made, that a big quarrel arose because I asked my wife to watch the children so that they wouldn’t trample too much. Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova, sister-in-law, mother of the children, began to quarrel, and I was upset - I had sinned, and I started writing. Probably because of my ardor, my toes hurt with extreme pain. God forbid you get excited. My heart is shaking, my nerves are extremely upset. But have mercy on us all, God! I repent of everything and ask for forgiveness. Evening. Eleventh hour. I thank You, Lord, and also for the miracles of Your mercy towards us sinners - to me, the indecent one, to my wife Elizabeth and to my sister Anna, as You reconciled us, who were evilly at enmity, for You, my Lord, Lord, bowed down to the necessary, strong prayer of my repentance before You. I thank You, Lord, for You have overcome our malice with Your endless goodness and the malice of the devil in us with Your unspeakable goodness! Grant, Lord, that we always remember the miracles of Your salvation and firmly hold on to Your love and peace. Carnal passions - for money, for clothes, food, distinctions kill spiritual life, or love for God and neighbor makes it earthly, sensual. Let the heart fast from the lusts of prodigals, from anger, envy, pride and ambition, from the lust of dressing up colorfully and beautifully, from the lust of the love of money, from the passion of being angry, quarreling or being idle, and not from food alone. (Petrov's Fast.) The believer must protect himself on all sides, and especially must occupy his mind and heart with fervent prayer. I thank the Lord for the wonderful communion with God, the revival of me after communion of the Divine Mysteries (outside the city at mass in the cemetery Trinity Church after I experienced countless spiritual deaths). During the unction of the poor old woman in Ozerova’s house, I sinned extremely before God when I saw in the hand of the old woman whom I unctioned, I saw only ten kopecks. It seemed painful to me: I think, for all the work, how much she wants to give us! Isn’t it almsgiving to give confession, communion, and unction to the sick for free? The greatest alms. Remember the ten virgins: five wise and five holy fools, and imitate the wise. Oh, love of money! Oh, greed! And yesterday at Pell’s christening, because of the scarf, I became speechless while reading the prayers, looking at the semi-silk scarf! How do you curse those for whom Jesus Christ Himself sought the blessing of the Heavenly Father, having Himself been cursed by them, and you also bring a curse on yourself from them? Why don’t you restrain your anger, which is so destructive for you and for others? Why didn’t you learn from Your Lord, who became like you in extreme condescension, why didn’t you learn meekness and humility from Him until now? Why the anger? Almost always due to an addiction to things - sorry for things that are broken, torn, dirty, sorry for money and the like; This is why we attack others, because of addictions we lose our salvation, which is most precious. The passion for things and for bodily life is nourished, supported and strengthened with gluttony. Gluttony does a lot of harm to the soul. It was not in vain that our Savior fasted for us, and it was not in vain that the Church established frequent fasts for us. Fasting is the strength of the soul, just as intemperance is its weakness, disaster, oppression, death. Take care of the image of God within yourself with all care and preserve your soul from all sin, adorn it with all virtue. This is your most important responsibility. The priest needs to acquire unforgettable malice and ardent love for everyone, without any partiality, in order to sincerely pray to the Lord for everyone, at all times, especially for the weak. June 12. Saturday, cathedral service. Today the Lord has repeatedly surprised me with the mercy of His deliverance from my anger and my grief at my fellow servant, Father Deacon Peter, for his inhospitability towards me. Gracious, quick to obey, gracious, gracious, Lord, glory to Thee! Verily, You have an abyss of mercy. I thank the Lord, who revived me with the Divine Communion of the Holy Mysteries. He sinned before God through gluttony, breaking the fast of the birthday boy Lukin Onufry, and drunkenness. At night, intense voluptuousness in the loins and seductive views in sleep. Oh, my madness! Oh, suffocating voluptuousness! There are many more lessons for abstinence and sobriety! Yesterday they buried the private bailiff Prokofiev, who suddenly died of a blow due to intemperance! And there are many examples of death coming suddenly. And after communion of the Holy Mysteries, I indulge in intemperance, damned one, even before communion! June 13th. Resurrection. I thank the all-merciful Lord, who deigned me to perform the holy, heavenly, life-giving early liturgy in the cathedral, and - oh, bliss! to partake of the revival of the Divine Mysteries of the most pure Body and Blood of my Lord. The voice was clean, clear, lively. After the liturgy, he soon sinned - he became angry with some beggars who were standing separately from the others, and hit one on the leg with a cane, a sick old man; This greatly hurt my heart, but through a prayer of repentance, the most merciful Lord granted me forgiveness and peace of mind, and then throughout the day, the Lord repeatedly had mercy on my unworthiness. Praise the Lord. 15. And I also thank the Lord, wondrous in mercy, who has made me worthy to make the wonderful, heavenly, Divine, all-purifying, all-sanctifying, all-reconciling sacrifice of the Body and Blood of Christ, my Savior, and to receive communion for life and joy, for healing, renewal and victory over invisible enemies. (Mass from Father Matthew for his wife.) At five o'clock in the evening in the altar there was an agony of envy and hostility towards Father Nicholas of Asia, who came to the cathedral with a pectoral gold cross, recently received. Damned, I despised him in my heart, hated him for no reason, due to the action of the devil, due to my unclean heart and evil habit; it became crowded - I went to the chapel to repent before the Lord, condemn myself, scold myself, ask the Lord for mercy, forgiveness of evils, affirmation in love. And I received everything from the Most Merciful. Glory to the Lord, quick to obey, gracious, beneficial, all-generous, all-powerful, Conqueror of hell, Consumer of evils! It is true that I am offended by what I should not be offended by, and when I should not be offended, and thus in vain I torment myself, and sometimes others. Today, sister-in-law Anna K. seemed sly to me because, among other things, she told me with an afterthought about her tooth falling out as a result of eating stale crust of bread. Then she reproached me for serving a litiya, and not a memorial service at the grave of my father-in-law and mother-in-law, that is, their father and mother. She found out about this; she argued that Archpriest [Felitsyn] told her that it was not the same thing to serve a litiya and a memorial service. I said that the Kingdom of God is not in word, but in power. Grant me, Lord, not to grow cold towards her, but to pray for her with love and kindness. You, Lord, correct her and reward her according to her wickedness, so that she may leave her wickedness. Yes, I remember that I myself am very sinful, crafty, proud, angry, proud, vile, unkind, lazy, negligent, obstinate, hard-hearted, rebellious, wayward, voluptuous, abusive, suspicious, sarcastic. Yes, I despise myself, yes I hate myself, but I reproach myself and not others. Yes, I cry for myself. Perhaps I myself am giving my sister-in-law a reason to dissemble in front of me: seeing me often gloomy, she probably thinks that I am angry with her for constantly staying with me and for eating and drinking with me. June 17. I thank the Lord, who showed His mercy to me in my garden during my secret prayer in repentance for the forgiveness of sins and for my peace with my sister-in-law. I condemned myself first in that I allowed the leaven of malice in my heart, which caused similar malice in my sister-in-law Anna, who grumbled about the inaction of my nephew Ivan Fidelin, boasting about her activities and the fact that her mother taught them every business. Arriving home, I found both sisters, my wife and sister-in-law, very affectionate and wonderfully changed. I thank the Lord for this. Change my heart from evil to good, my Lord, Lord, and may he never repay evil for evil, but may he always repay good for evil, with sincere goodwill, prayer, helpfulness, affection, cheerfulness of face, meekness and calmness. Oh, the enemy almost brought me to the trouble of a quarrel. And how he pressed me, incited me to enmity! How long have I struggled and prayed! June 17. I sinned - I broke my fast in Rambov: I ate pasta with sour cream; I walked all day and didn’t do anything. With God’s help, begin conversations with the people about the liturgy, about the unity of believers in it, sanctification, purification, renewal, confirmation, perfection, deification. How many saints are in heaven and on earth because of communion! How many have suddenly recovered! How many are spending heavenly, angelic life on earth! This is what royal marriage means! This is what a feast means for the prodigal son! I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to celebrate the early Divine Liturgy and partake of the life-giving communion of the holy, most pure, most heavenly Mysteries. They were for me, as usual, purification, sanctification, shield, strength, health to my soul and body. The seal of shrine is placed on every Christian; it must be preserved and restored, and if it is lost through arbitrary sins, it must be sought with all the strength of the repentant soul. During divine services we remember the Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary with all the saints - for what? Let us remember that we ourselves must be holy and try by all means to be so, avoiding sin in all its forms and pursuing holiness. I violated God’s commandment about love in every possible way: my brother did not come up to me to say hello - I am embarrassed, grieved, and have hostility towards him. I love those who love very much, but I despise and turn away those who do not love. Look into your soul with the eyes of your heart, how ugly and stinking it is, and how your face and body are dust. Don't look at pretty faces. In a short time everything is dust and ashes. Prayer enlightens, sobers, pacifies, warms, expands, and renews the soul. Glory to the Lord about this. The ugly, the one-eyed, the crippled with the nose and other members were created and live not for us, but for God. The soul is the same. June 20. Resurrection. Yesterday, before the all-night vigil, I drank tea with cream in the assumption that through this I would be healthy and calm during the all-night vigil and would serve it without any problems. But I was wrong, crazy guy. I made myself ethereal enemies, who bitterly scolded me: I could not read the Sunday Gospel, so they confused me, of little faith, cowardice, incontinence, and for intemperance I offended the Spirit of grace, damned one. When you want to do something, for example, break a fast due to weakness, then look at the consequences that will come of it: breaking a fast entails, like disobedience, self-will, self-rule, entails, I say, the deprivation of grace, as in Adam and Eve. I thank the Lord for the release, for the Lord gave me strength to resist my enemies. The prayer service, sung during the rainless season, was served by the grace of God without stumbling, with a living feeling. I praise the Lord. I condemn myself for the fact that in the evening I ate fish with black bread and thereby made myself a burden and could not read the Akathist to the Mother of God and the canon to the Guardian Angel, causing a prodigal disposition. These are the consequences of fish, and even cream, before the all-night vigil! We need fasting and fasting, bread and water and nothing more. Why don’t I obey the Church? Why do I please the flesh and not God? That is why the enemy annoys me. June 20. I thought, dead dog, stinking dog, that my bishop humiliated me through cold receptions, which would have been fair, as retribution for my sins and for my pride and ambition. But he did not humiliate me, receiving me sitting like an elder and ruler; he honored me and a lot, honoring me with two important awards: the golden pectoral cross and the rank of archpriest. Therefore, I was mad, sinful and sinful, speaking bitterly about him to some as a cold, stern, heartless, proud man. I repent of this before God and before you, Your Eminence, for if you were really obstinate, even then I would have to love you and honor you as a son and obey you as an archpastor. Also, I sometimes thought unkindly about the sovereign and condemned him in my heart for certain things, although this was not my business. I sinned before God and before the sacred and exalted royal personage. I don’t care about my arrival, there are many, countless faults in it, and the sovereign has vast Russia under his rule; please be correct here. I thank the Lord for the late liturgy and for my preaching the word of God. It was difficult for me to serve: mental and physical weakness, the dirty tricks of invisible enemies in my heart, despondency, burden, fear, crowdedness at the great entrance - dumbness; The Holy Synod and the Metropolitan did not speak out loud out of demonic fear, only the end said: “Grant to your holy churches in peace, whole, honest, healthy, long-living.” During the evening there was great pressure, fear and confusion - I overcame them with prayer; he pronounced the entire Great Litany, not all of it petitioning out of fear of the devil; almost all of it - I got lost on the petition for the brethren, thinking about Archpriest P.V. Trachevsky was unkind and developed dislike and hostility towards him for his unkind deeds. I sinned: I was overcome from evil instead of overcoming evil with good. I should not have hostility towards anyone, even an inveterate enemy, this is a grave sin, and Archpriest Trachevsky is not my enemy, he is only an enemy of alms. But God will judge him for this, just as for the fact that he caused stumbling blocks to those who wished to have mercy, and he will soon be judged, for he weakened the hearts of Christians, instilling unmercifulness, hard-heartedness, and condemnation. May the Lord Himself soften his heart before death, may he make him like-minded with those who want to do good. Remember, O Lord, Thy compassions towards him. Christian love does not hate evil and crafty people, but embraces them with love and desires with all its soul that they too become good and prays to God for this; she does not repay them with evil feelings and dispositions, she does not think evil about them or them, for evil is its own punishment and great torment. (I should be like this in relation to those towards whom I feel dislike and hostility.) With all my hatred I hate the adversary the devil and his fiend - a manifold and diverse sin. (After Matins on Monday, June 21.) Yesterday I ate a little Lenten pie and sprats at night, and as a result today I was subjected to great misfortunes from invisible enemies: at night there was a strong lust for fornication. How evil is intemperance and how great is abstinence! Stichera on the morning poem, tone 3. 21. I thank the Lord, who created in me the greatest powers of salvation from the terrible dominion of sins, both during the liturgy in church and at home: there and here the Lord repeatedly delivered me from the tyranny of passions, especially from evil despondency and hostility. Glory to the Lord, who accepts repentance from me and sovereignly has mercy on me. By eating food immoderately, you thereby give the devil material from which he builds a fortress in your heart against you and strengthens himself against you to your misfortune. He does the same with all your predilections for visible objects. You looked at something or someone with passion, and through this you sold, so to speak, your soul to the enemy, just as Eve sold herself to him, looking with passion at the forbidden fruit. Every earthly addiction we have is the power of the enemy against us, vigilantly watching all the movements of our heart, and our powerlessness and captivity. Addiction and passion are illness and death of our heart or soul. Only the Lord resurrects her from this death and grants her rebirth. We should not allow passions to intensify within us, so that otherwise they would not petrify our heart and it would become insensitive and incapable of repentance. It is impossible, says the Apostle, for those who were once enlightened and tasted the heavenly gift and became partakers of the Holy Spirit and tasted the good word of God and the powers of the world to come, and who fell away, to be renewed again in repentance, when they again crucify the Son of God within themselves and mock Him. Hebrews 5:4, 5 and 6ff. The Lord pronounced judgment on such people in the parable of the sower and the seed [Matthew 13]. The church curtain in the altar means the curtain covering the sacraments, also the curtain between present and future life, in which much is hidden for us, the curtain between heaven and earth. “By their fruits you will know them” [Matthew 7:16], that is, people. So I recognize myself as a bad person by the passions that overwhelm me, by anger, malice, hostility, envy of others, by internal adultery, by evil despondency, murmuring, impatience, blasphemy, negligence, laziness, gluttony, man-pleasing, partiality, ambition, vanity, cowardice. True, there is something good in me, but this is from the grace of God. In me there is a terrible mixture of low and high, beautiful and ugly, piety and wickedness. I was deeply corrupted by various sins; I really must cry day and night and, of course, not concern myself with the sins of others or condemn others, hate or despise some of my neighbors for any vices or weaknesses in them, for I myself am the most vicious of all on earth. God! Accept my confession and have mercy on me. God! Teach me how to live up to the height and holiness of the calling to which you have called me; How can I acquire a pure heart, how to always philosophize on heaven, how to love You with all my heart and feed Your verbal sheep, how to despise everything that is worthless and perishable. For great is the dignity that I bear; I am an earthly angel who must constantly proclaim Your will to people, to lead everyone to the heavenly Kingdom, to a holy life; I stand before Your heavenly throne and perform Your most heavenly Mysteries in the co-service of the angelic ranks. Strongly ask God for rain for the parched earth and faded plants - but also ask for blessed dew for your souls, dried up and dead from the heat of your passions; You want abundant rain to fall on the earth, but do you yourself shed abundant tears of repentance for your sins? After all, heaven will not rain on earth for our untruths and iniquities. So, shed tears for your sins, and the Lord will make rain fall on the earth and make the face of the earth glad, and your faces will not be ashamed. What you have given out of mercy will remain forever, becoming above time and decay, will not drown, will not burn, and cannot be stolen. (To Gromov about forgiveness of debt to guardianship.) I stand unworthily in this exalted place (at the throne) together with the Angels, for who am I? Sinful feces, clay 28 and dust. Going to church for vespers, I wished for an earthly reward for my (lazy) service at the gymnasium, and this desire, this lust, this pursuit of reward extremely offended and embarrassed me; I repented, I condemned myself for that, and God forgave me, giving me peace, saying: I am your reward, as well as your punishment. Frequent: “Glory to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit” in the stichera and in the canon and in other cases for the fact that all the works of God, glorious, gracious, wise, omnipotent, saving, are completed and are being accomplished by the Holy Trinity, that all the glorious deeds of the saints are completed and are also being accomplished by the Trinitarian God, that the saints are always in God and are strong and glorious in Him forever and can, through His grace and gift, fulfill every useful request of ours. The Father, Son and Holy Spirit are the alpha and omega of everyone and everything and all good deeds. I am required to daily self-sacrifice in favor of the children of my late brother-in-law, father Grigory Tsvetkov, and sister-in-law, Anna Tsvetkova. Without this self-sacrifice, there was, there is, and there may still be a lot of grief, mutual cooling between me and my wife (who completely devoted herself to them, leaving all care for me) and even quarrels, as was the case. But from now on, all sorrows and troubles are to the side, away! For my wife has left me, but the Lord will receive me. I am not a baby - I can live without the help of my wife. Thanks be to the Lord, who sent a rain-bearing cloud and a little rain for our church prayer about this, although we were unworthy of this mercy for the sake of our countless sins and uncorrected heart and life. On the 22nd, rain clouds covered the entire sky and thus brought coolness and freshness into the air, and in the evening, at four o’clock, there was a little rain and during Vespers at four and a half o’clock too. Glory to the Lord, who did not commit our iniquities, but who repaid us according to our sins. 22. I thank the Lord for His ineffable mercy, shown to me in the service of the liturgy and in the communion of the Divine Mysteries, in the destruction of death in me and in the gift of spiritual rebirth. 23. I thank the Lord, who broke the neck of the vile devil, who planted in me today during the great entry of abomination into my heart, who confused me and brought dumbness upon me while saying a prayer, the prudent thief. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to celebrate the Liturgy with a clear and strong voice and to partake in the rebirth and revival of the Divine, wonderful, beloved Mysteries. The prayer service with the blessing of water was served well by the grace of God, but the mass and prayer service were also served under the extreme slander of vile demons. There is no seed more fertile, hotter, more deadly, more dirty, more disgusting in the world than the seed of sin. Having been sown once, it is accepted and grows with terrible speed and strength, just as a flame ignites and spreads from a spark of fire. This is how Adam and Eve sowed sin in their hearts, and to this day it lives in us and destroys us. The leaders of heresies, schisms and false religions sowed their lies, their tares into the pure wheat of God's faith, and until now the human race has been divided into many hostile camps, disagreeing with each other in the principles of the teaching of faith and in life. There is no more terrible, more deadly poison than the poison of sin, and especially the sin of prodigal sin, the sin of malice and hostility, the sin of pride, envy, love of money, vanity, laziness, despondency, negligence, pride, self-will. “All flesh is hay, and all the glory of man (beauty) is like the flower of grass: the grass is gone, and its flower falls away, but the word of the Lord abides forever” [Is. 40: 6–8], that is, the 29 verb of faith. I only need to eat bread and water - my heart is extremely unclean from various sweets. Yesterday I ate strawberry jam, fish with white bread at night, drank some sweet tea, and today the unclean one completely doused me with his abomination during mass: I had no strength to resist his vile power, for the preparation for the prodigal, the disposition of the prodigal heart were made, so to speak, by myself through delicacy and gluttony. From how many dishonorable passions, from how many spiritual deaths the faith of Christ has saved me and is saving me - it’s impossible to count! Every day I take advantage of her benefits many times over. For everything I thank the most generous Lord. The struggle is bitter, but the salvation of the Lord is sweet. What are the pillars of the Church, and of course ours, the saints of God: the Mother of God, the Forerunner, the apostles, prophets, martyrs, hierarchs, reverends and all the saints! They pray for us for our good. It is not in vain that we call on them. We ourselves are reeds, shaken by the wind. Strengthen us with their prayers, O God! Establish Your entire Church throughout the whole world, O Lord, through their prayers. Wake up, wake up! The essence of almost all the stichera on the Lord was called out, in the stichera, in the litia and in the praise - glorification and thanksgiving to the Lord or His Most Pure Mother, glorification of the deeds of virtue, the perfections of the holy saints and especially the petition of their intercession for us before the Lord for the forgiveness of our sins, for deliverance from temptations and troubles. Today, during the all-night vigil (on the day of the Nativity of the Baptist) before the Gospel, a terrible anxiety happened to me when I saw Archpriest Trachevsky; I prayed earnestly to the Lord for deliverance from temptation - I calmed down somewhat, but when reading the Gospel I still became confused and could not pronounce five lines. Terrible storm! The reason, of course, is in me, and not in the archpriest. God! Assign us to each other. Let us love each other, let us pray for each other. The priest, as a servant of God Almighty, should not marvel at the face of the king of the earth himself in the church of His Lord and not be in the least afraid of him, for he is just as mortal and sinful as everyone else, and weak and insignificant before God. Read what the prophet John the Evangelist and Apostle writes about the kings of the earth: they are equal with other sinful people, and even more than anyone else, they will be punished by God, from Whom the power was given to them. Virtuous kings will be pardoned, but those who are careless about the welfare of their people will be severely condemned. Here they luxury in every possible way, enjoy, but there, in another century, they will be glad to have a drop of water for cooling, but they will not receive that either. Yesterday, the 23rd, I ate juice from fried meat and drank a glass of broth and a glass of milk instead of medicine, because I was feeling strong and was feeling very sleepy; the dream has indeed passed. But during the all-night vigil I was faced with a terrible temptation, perhaps precisely for breaking the fast: when I saw Father Paul in church, I was extremely embarrassed and could hardly calm myself down somewhat with repentance and prayer - the fear of the enemy attacked me. If I had protected myself by fasting, this would not have happened. The Gospels could not begin and read in order: “At the time Elizabeth was conceived by Zechariah’s wife, and she hid for five months, saying: as the Lord has done for me in the days, in the power of a prince to take away my reproach among men” [Luke 1:24–25]. I imagined my relationship with my wife here and was embarrassed. Rivers and storms came upon me and drowned me, my heart. Like the greedy Esau, I sell, often sell my primacy, the primacy of the child of God and my priesthood for food and drink to the devil, as it was yesterday, and that is why the devil turned out to be strong in me when temptation came. Lest what happened to him later happen to me, namely: lest I lose the place of repentance, even if I look for it with tears. June 24. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy and power that have been revealed in me this day during the service of the Liturgy and especially after communion of the wonderful Divine life-giving Mysteries. My invisible enemies repeatedly wounded and killed my heart, fought fiercely with me, prevailed over me, but the Lord again and again threw them under my feet, and delivered me. My joy, my deliverance, Lord, glory to Thee! Behold, by His mercy I am filled with Divinity, I am divine, having within me the Lord Jesus Christ with the Father and the Holy Spirit! June 25. Thanks be to the Lord, who surprised me with His divine mercy in the service of the liturgy. With His help, I completed all the services without stumbling and took communion for the revitalization, joy and joy and space of the heart of His Divine Mysteries and completed all the services without stumbling. This was greatly helped by yesterday’s abstinence, and even today’s struggle and victory over invisible enemies during Matins. My All-Powerful Helper and Intercessor, the Most Holy Theotokos, helped a lot, the prayers of the martyrs and martyr Fevronia, a saint today. Glory to the Lord for everything. Yesterday I was in Rambov for a prayer service, and then walked in the forest of the Grand Duchess; Makarov had it; I spoke with nun Varvara Nilovna Lisharova. Nice, spiritual nun - and I can learn from her. (The manifestation of God’s goodness at the end of the world, the suffering of all creation at the present time; the aspiration “for creation longs for the revelation of the sons of God” 30 [Rom. 8:19].) She visited His Grace Philotheus, the current Metropolitan of Kyiv, more than once. The humility of His Grace Philotheus is greatest, his meekness. “They make themselves fat without fear” [Jude 1:12], that is, their body, their heart. This reproof of the Apostle applies to me. I always eat and drink in excess, I fatten my heart with eating and drinking heavily, and I give birth in my heart and in my flesh to constant fornication, lustful thoughts and movements that drive away the Lord, Whose church I am made upon communion and must always be an indestructible, holy church - oh, accursed man that I am, even more so senseless cattle! What's the use of reason? What is the light of God's word for? What are spiritual and physical experiences for? Why punishment from God? Temptations from evil spirits? Everything is forgotten before the temptation of free food and drink, especially valuable and pleasant ones! O slave of the womb! Idolater in Christian form! A lover of peace in the sacred rank, in the angelic rank, which requires perfect impartiality towards the world and the flesh! I thank the Lord, who granted me yesterday (June 25) to enjoy the praise of Him and His Most Pure Mother (Tikhvin Wonderworking Icon) in church and at home (at Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov’s). I sinned before the Lord and before the holy apostles by not maintaining the apostolic fast (Petrov) and by losing the fruits of fasting: cleansing and correction of the heart and life. And by the grace of God I myself bear the apostolic office, with which the apostolic life must, of course, be united. God! Have mercy on me and teach me to live spiritually, and not according to the flesh! If I live according to the flesh, I will die forever, but if I put to death the deeds of the flesh with the spirit, I will live forever, according to the word of the Apostle [Rom. 8:5, 8], and the deeds of the flesh: fornication, intemperance, envy, anger, pride, etc., that are in me. I have not yet loved righteousness as I should and have not hated lawlessness, but I still have a secret friendship with sin, with sinful flesh. But we must certainly be severe towards sin in every form, for in thousands of forms and ways it carries us into captivity. 26. After mass. What will I render to the Lord for all the mercies towards me, for all His victories in me over the invisible enemies who brazenly devoured me during the service of the Liturgy and the prayer service of the Blessed Water? What will I repay to the Lord for my new revival after yesterday’s gluttony at Semyonov’s and those cramps and infirmities that befell me for gluttony? The Lord miraculously revived me, deadened by sins. He gave me the opportunity to perform the liturgy in a harmonious, clear, sonorous voice. I praise and thank the Lord for everything. 27. Resurrection. He served an early mass instead of a late one in the Duma Church because of Deacon Sofronov, who went to Rambov after the early one. Moral weakness, the struggle with invisible enemies who instilled confusion, coldness, and death into the soul. The voice is weak after yesterday's fast food, rice pies and after smoking a cigar late in the evening. Communion of the Holy Mysteries with faith performed the greatest miracle in me: it revived me, defeated invisible enemies in me, gave me complete triumph over them; I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit without fail; the dismissal said quite well, although he missed saying Saint Sampson the Host and Joseph the Songwriter and Saint Alexander Nevsky, and then after the prayer he said all the saints by name. On the relationship of the Church to the state. The litanies of supplication and austerity sufficiently express this. (Nota.) 28. Evening. After the all-night vigil in the Duma Church. Glory to the grace of the Lord, enlightening, merciful, cleansing, saving. The enemy brought upon me during the incense (in praise, polyeleos) a strong temptation, cooling my heart and arousing hostility towards Ekaterina Grigorievna Stepanova and daughter Maria for their supposed pride and iron neck. Confusion and crampedness took possession of me. I began to ardently and strongly repent, beg the Lord for mercy and condemn myself for listening to the enemy’s slander against my innocent spiritual children. I realized that the enemy wants to divide us even more (for previously we did not agree and were cold) and create great enmity, while we, both shepherds and flocks, should live in love and peace and in simplicity of heart. I saw that the feeling of hostility in me was absurdity, madness, anger and my envy, I asked for mercy from the Lord - and received it. I calmed down and read the Gospel boldly and continued the entire service in the same way. I thank the Lord. Oh, how cunning and evil the enemy is! Now he tempts me with a lustful movement of the heart, now with hostility. And how fast! Like lightning! But my heart is weak, unsteady in unfeigned love, or - what am I saying? - it is unclean, lustful, self-loving, cowardly, hypocritical, malicious, envious, voluptuous, careless, lazy and generally subject to countless sins. Rogulina remember and send a letter. Ask the guy at the bank [...]. In His goodness, the Lord prepares various fruits of the earth throughout the summer, but at the same time He prepares burning arrows, illnesses, misfortunes, misfortunes, death for unrepentant sinners, as a righteous Judge. My internal fornication has increased due to gluttony, sweet tea, failure to fast, and intemperance (what I eat at night). What a senseless animal with sense and reason given by God! What a sinful inclination! What an earthly, demonic disposition of the heart! What a falling away from God! (Yesterday, on the 28th, in the evening I ate vinaigrette with fish, black crust bread, drank strong sweet tea, and when I lay down, painful horns appeared in my stomach: I could not sleep, got up, began to make the most intense movements so that the food would settle down, boil down, drank raw water, and after that I really fell asleep. Obviously, dinner was completely unnecessary for me, but I was still out of habit I ate, as if led by a silent idol. After dinner I wanted to write a sermon, but I could not, because my heart became deaf and stupid from food.) Oh, damned man I am! (I don’t need to swim - my stomach got a little cold and I caught a cold all over myself, I sneezed often.) I sinned before the Lord unthinkingly and unexpectedly: I got angry with the servant Anna, who scolded my nephew Ivan the crooked, I scolded him as a fool for inappropriately speaking the words of the Holy Scripture: “for every idle word that people say, they will give an answer on the day of judgment” [Matthew 12:36], etc., I despised the immaculate word of God, I myself spoke many idle ones, angry, rotten words to my nephew and Anna (like: I’ll pull your hair out until I’m half to death). I repent, I condemn myself for anger, idle talk, threats in everything, and I ask for mercy from the Most Merciful again and again 31. Divine service educates a person spiritually, teaches, edifies and illuminates the soul, cleanses, sanctifies, renews, pacifies, touches, gives spiritual freedom to souls, miraculously enlightens, corrects, gives strength and strength to souls. Yesterday, before the All-Night Vigil, the Lord bowed down to me, who repented of my addiction to earthly things, for mercy, saving me from embarrassment, shame and oppression and giving me peace, boldness, and freedom. The service began and continued in peace. Glory to the Lord! (I thought: I still need to go there and there tomorrow with the cross.) Oh, how the evil slanderer the devil slanderes each of us about our neighbors day and night; yesterday he slandered Ekaterina Stepanova, the wife of Philip Stepanov, and their daughter, and slandered everyone, instilling obscene, carnal, unclean thoughts; He expelled pure spiritual love from his heart, implanting only unclean, carnal, worldly love. Woe to me, wretched one! And they think of me that I am almost a holy man! To save the perishing world, the Lord of glory humbled Himself, exhausted Himself completely, endured the cross and death, being careless about shame, and we, in order to save the physical, moral, or political life of our neighbors, regret sacrificing not only our lives, but even our property, money, which we have in abundance and, in truth, does not constitute our property, but our neighbors. Is this okay? Clay (Church Glav.) – clay, dirt; dust, ashes. In other words (Church Glav.) – that is. “For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth anything in comparison with the glory that will be revealed in us. For the creation waits with hope for the revelation of the sons of God” (Rom. 8:18-19). Packs (Church Glav.) - again, again.