Июль

Slept at night without a blanket. The clouds in the sky somewhat obscure the sun. I served Matins unsuccessfully, with frequent stumbling from the enemy due to intemperance in the evening due to excess in food: in the evening I ate fish with black bread, and before that I drank tea with crackers. Constipation and tightness in the stomach from lean fish food. At night, apart from tea or something liquid, you don’t need to consume anything at all (for example, honey), and on fast days, a little white or black bread with butter or cream. Due to my weakness, I must also use cream and quick butter on fasting days, and urgently: this is necessary for proper service. Or drink honey. He who rejects fasting forgets why the first people fell into sin (from intemperance) and what weapon against sin and the tempter the Savior showed us when he was tempted in the desert; he does not know or does not want to know that a person falls away from God most often through intemperance, as was the case with the inhabitants of Sodom and Gomorrah and with Noah’s contemporaries, for intemperance causes every sin in people; whoever rejects fasting takes away from himself and from others weapons against his many-passionate flesh and against the devil, who are strong against us especially through our intemperance; he is not a warrior of Christ, for he throws down his weapon and voluntarily surrenders into captivity of his voluptuous and sin-loving flesh; he, finally, is blind and does not see the relationship between the causes and consequences of affairs. On the evening of July 1, I read a prayer to the mother in labor from the tradesman Golubkov in the house of Philip Stepanov, and at the penultimate prayer (the third) I doubted the reprimand of the word without malice; I was embarrassed by the action of the evil one, did not speak out and then began to get confused and not say anything, even the Holy God, the Most Holy Trinity, Glory to the Father... Our Father could not speak. This is how the evil one catches me and laughs at me. I got down on my knees, and there was no point. I barely read the prayer. And at first, until I had any doubts, I read well, calmly, easily, and thought: how good it is to read after a bath and evening tea!.. The enemy was jealous. But why should the servant of the Lord fear? My Father, who gave them to Me, is greater than all; and no one can snatch them out of the hand of My Father [John. 10, 29]. The mind of prayer is the perfect mind of Christ. We have the mind of Christ (1 Cor. 2:16). Spiritual knowledge is about everything, but no one can speak about it (1 Cor. 2:15). I thank the Lord for His ineffable mercy, as this day has vouchsafed me to perform the Divine Liturgy for the salvation of all Christianity and the whole world, to perfect the Divine Body and Blood through the Divine action of the Holy Spirit and to partake without condemnation of the immortal and life-giving Mysteries into the peace and quiet of my spiritual strength and the health of my body. During the liturgy I felt extreme painful tightness due to the tightening of my stomach, as well as illness in my spirit. With communion everything went away. At the christening of the peasant Gordeev in the house of a German on Alex Street, from the desire for a good calico handkerchief (I imagined, based on the action of the enemy, that sexton Kutuzov wanted to take it for himself - oh, a dream!) he became embarrassed and could not speak. This is what poison for the soul, what death - the desire of the earthly during the celebration of the heavenly Sacrament of Baptism! Treat every service of God sincerely, say every prayer from your heart, from your soul, and you will never be embarrassed or stumble. You shouldn’t eat black bread with butter and cream at night: it’s hard on the stomach. I experienced this again today (July 2nd). I slept restlessly and served with difficulty. The day is hot. Thanks be to God! Why should we extensively nourish our womb when all kinds of evil flow from it: coldness towards God with lack of faith and unbelief, blasphemous, nasty and evil thoughts, malice, envy, laziness, despondency, despair, self-will and stubbornness, fornication, covetousness and all the hordes of passions? Why do we so please our stinking belly, guilty of countless evils? O holy people of God! I turn to you with a prayer: you defeated the enemy-murderer and crucified your flesh with passions and lusts; You will pray for us, we earnestly pray to you, may the Lord grant us victory in passion and may He grant us dispassion as well. July 3rd: hot day, 30 degrees On the night of July 2-3, it was like being in a bathhouse, so hot: the sweat was pouring out. Thank the Lord for such mercy! After a cold spring that lasted until June 13th, these heat waves are a blessing from heaven! If only there were no heat of passions, hellish heat - this heat kills souls and bodies, deliver from it, God! Resurrection. The day is moderately hot: the western wind cools considerably. By the grace of God and moderate consumption of food in the evening (I ate half a loaf of bread), I slept well. Yesterday I served the All-Night Vigil in the Duma very calmly, only at the end of the prayer to Christ, the true Light... I doubted and was afraid of the action of the enemy. I thank the Lord with all my soul for the grace of unfailingly serving the Liturgy yesterday in the Cathedral, the last of the week, celebrating the Holy Mysteries and communicating them into peace, joy, joy, and health. Call on the Holy Spirit first of all in prayer, because He continues the work of our Savior Jesus Christ, remaining with us forever; He is given to us in our hearts and Abba, Father, cries out to us! [Rom. 8, 15], otherwise they could not call God Father; He is the betrothal of our inheritance [Eph. 1, 14]. On Sunday, July 4th, eleven prayer services were served; just before the start at seven and a half o'clock in the morning from one glance at my sexton Vasily I The devil stung Kutuzov with grief and anger because he did not immediately get up when he saw me, but sat on a bench near the wooden outbuilding. What pride [demonic] on my part! And for this reason Belial tormented me for at least seven prayers, until I considered this malice to be an absurd dream of the devil and my own and was completely reconciled in my heart with my brother, who had nothing against me at all. Yes, even if he had something bad against me, shouldn’t I have to endure it with meekness and love, which covers everything and endures everything, like David, who suffered a long persecution from Saul innocently? He served the Liturgy successfully by the grace of God, performed the Divine Mysteries without stumbling and received communion without condemnation into peace, freedom, joy and health of soul and body! I thank the Lord, who covered all my sins according to the abundance of His mercy and continues His mercies towards me. But surprise, Lord, Your mercy and Your almighty power on my mother Theodora, who was severely ill with cholera, changed and weakened to the extreme in a few hours (from 4 am to 12 pm), heal her, and for this I will glorify You, as for all Your mercies, Lord! We have to face death with all its horrors almost every day. But our faith is triumph over death and the greatest consolation in mortal sadness! Our Lord Jesus Christ conquered death. A Christian who struggles diligently with sins must endure the most persistent struggle with invisible enemies in thoughts and words, for the enemy rushes at him very often and rains unclean thoughts and sublime and holy thoughts, along with words, will be plucked from the heart and from the very lips, whereas it is necessary to have them in the heart and proclaim them before the people. But the Lord is our champion 71, strong in battle [Ps. 23, 8]. On July 6 at 7 o'clock in the morning, my parent, Feodora Vlasievna, died of cholera at the age of 63 Rest, O Lord, the soul of my beloved mother, Your servant Theodora, in the villages of the righteous. A holy thought after her death: live in the inner world for God and for your soul, and not outwardly, not for show to people, dying for everyone according to the flesh and the world, and not according to the spirit. Where, after my mother, will I find such tender love, such simplicity, artlessness, unhypocrisy, such sincere humility? The words: hello, child, bless, child, will remain in my heartfelt memory forever, all her services are unconditional, prompt. Apparently, the Lord wanted me to follow her during her mortal illness and bury her, praying for the repose of her soul. God! for the daring, nasty, blasphemous thought thrown into my heart like lightning so quickly by Belial, grant me from now on to kick him everywhere, as he kicked me before, and not to look at his charms and fears - You alone should strive with all my heart. The sin that lives in my heart tempts me all the time, presenting sin everywhere, causing doubt, fornication, lasciviousness, malice, envy, deceit, partiality, greed, gluttony, delicacy, despondency, despair, murmuring, blasphemy and other indecent things. Money-grubbing, accursed, soul - the doer of all evil, deceit, pride, lust, fornication, malice, envy, pride, gluttony and greed, insolence, rebellion, waywardness, disobedience, murmuring, impatience, blasphemy and other countless evils. Heal and save me, Lord, from sinful ulcers, from the purulent scabs of my soul. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy today to serve the conciliar liturgy for Pavel Manuilovich Shakhov in the Duma Assumption Church. He served the grace of God without stumbling throughout the entire liturgy, with some weakness of heart at the moment of remembering the Empress at the Great Entrance and invoking the Holy Spirit; received communion by the grace of God without condemnation, into peace, joy, joy, health and space of the heart. I performed the funeral service and two litias well, without haste, without omissions caused by fear for the sake of demons - I praise the Lord. Father Vladimir Krasnopolsky from the hospital served completely and Father Vasily Chern, from the cemetery not completely, did not receive communion. In the morning it was quite clear, although somewhat cool, not hot, and after mass and removal, it soon began to rain and continued until the evening. I drank tea with white raspberries at Fyodor Andreevich Ushakov’s after leaving the Duma presence. And in his presence he received his salary for a year before July 1872. On July 7th, I sinned before God, before my wife and before myself in that I was upset with my wife when we were driving together to the cemetery to look for the place of eternal rest for my mother. Only by the mercy of God and the intercession of the Mother of God (I prayed fervently in repentance from the depths of my soul) was I saved from demonic malice in the little Trinity Church. Such a stupid and ugly skill to get irritated and angry! Deliver him from him, my God! Grant me to love everyone unfailingly and not to be upset or angry with anyone. On the night of the 8th, I got angry with the Yaroslavchev children for sleeping from 10 to 2 a.m. and not wanting to read about my deceased mother, but they are children in age, and my mother is a stranger to them, but she is dearer to me than anything else. On July 9, at 7 o’clock in the evening, I celebrated the wedding of Alexander and Olga, and whatever you want, I could not utter many expressions and words due to the resistance of the devil. But the devil overcame me because I had previously drunk a lot of hot coffee and tea (about five small glasses); I felt that the enemy had overpowered me precisely through excessive drinking - there was no need to drink. I felt that my adversary would instill doubt and fear in me, and I don’t know why I doubt the possibility of pronouncing certain words and who and what and why am I afraid? Suspiciousness and fear overcome me. I asked the Lord before marriage and during marriage to help me, I asked with humility and faith. But the Lord gave me over to the demons for my sins. Oh, how angry they are with me! There is no need to drink a lot: demons nest in a belly that drinks too much, but they cannot live in a dry belly, because the Spirit of God rests in such a belly. How difficult this test is. Every sexton, deacon, every priest, I don’t say bishop, every layman freely pronounces whatever he wants from the sayings of the word of God and the holy father, but I, due to demonic cunning, cannot pronounce many words. My God! Why did you leave me? I also forgot to convict myself of smoking a cigar today: this is the same carnal fornication or an empty whim, strengthening the flesh and killing the life of the spirit. On July 10, I felt ill from smoking tobacco (parts of a cigar) the day before and from drinking milk on a fast day (Friday) without special need, also from drinking a lot of coffee and tea after lunch. Oh, how every excess and illegal eating and drinking weighs heavily on the heart! How I myself surrender myself into captivity to the devil, who is constantly seeking to devour me, I myself give him a weapon against me! I feel that the enemy is nesting in my sides and in my womb, constantly playing dirty tricks on me, bringing me into despondency, anger, doubt, fear, fornication and similar passions, and I cannot free myself from him. Woe to me, the accursed one, who does not keep the commandments of God! Woe to me who live according to the flesh! You need to eat once a day, drink only for needs, and not for whims. Early mass. He served with heaviness in his sides, with nervous irritability, especially towards the archpriest, who was in a hurry to serve, and the watchman Nikolai: it seemed that he was stealing church things and being rude; Then, with mature reflection, this evil suspiciousness passed. And there was weakness throughout the mass. At the Great Entrance he could not pronounce the Empress’s name. He performed the sacrament quite cheerfully and took communion with boldness and faith. I didn’t read the prayer behind the pulpit very firmly. He served prayers with nervous fear, hastily, in order to be in time for Agafonov’s funeral service; due to fearful suspiciousness, he did not utter many exclamations - he could not. After lunch I went to the ship with Marya Konstantinovna and my wife: I walked, they took a cab; they deceived me - the ship left at two o'clock instead of three o'clock according to schedule. I got angry and walked away from them, they slowly followed me. Why be angry? Am I a child? Where is the mind? The Gospel?.. Do I want to surprise anyone with this? No: it’s languor and trouble. The Gavrilovs called me to give communion and unction to the sick (Gavrilov’s wife), but I, going for a walk on the Fox’s Nose (on the ship), refused, after some hesitation, preferring my carnal pleasure to the spiritual benefit of my neighbor and the fulfillment of my spiritual duty; I sinned before God and my neighbors. But what happened? And they didn’t go to Fox’s Nose - they were late: the ship left at two o’clock instead of three, they made a mistake in the calculation. I went home for nothing, angry at my family for deceiving me. Go ahead to the service without thinking, even though you are going for a walk: leave the party. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance and had mercy on me by taking away my heartache and giving me peace and tranquility. On July 11, on the Sestroretsk steamship, I sinned before God, being wounded by earthly love; For a long time there was a thorn in my sides. July 12th - I sinned before God by indulging in anger at Marya Konstantinovna and my wife for deceiving me and leaving me on the Fox Nose - by releasing the horse that was supposed to lead us to the Sestroretsk steamship. On July 13, he served early mass in extreme embarrassment and irritation due to excessive drinking the day before and communication with people who drank heavily, although this communication was out of necessity and for half an hour, no more. July 14th. I thank the Lord, my joy, my mercy, who has greatly consoled and cheered me on this day through the service of the early liturgy and the communion of His Holy, life-giving Mysteries. I thank you, Lord, for you gave me tears of repentance with a sincere feeling of humility and contrition before the liturgy, when I read the canon for communion. I thank You for the grace of heart peace and spiritual warmth during the Liturgy; I thank You for driving away from me the demonic fears that haunted me so much yesterday, upon returning the day before from a party on Fox Nose and due to excessive drinking and eating. I thank You, my joy, who cleansed my sins and completely pacified and gladdened my soul, and at the same time bestowed perfect health on my body. I thank You, for You granted me to bring You a warm prayer for the repose of the soul of my mother (at the memorial service) on the ninth day after her death. For all glory and thanksgiving to You, God and the Infinite Life, the infinite mercy, who gives us so much joy and consolation in the celebration of the Divine, supernatural, miraculous Liturgy. You are the God of wonders and the hope of those who hope not. I thank the Lord, who consoled me with the service of the Divine Liturgy and the communion of His life-giving Mysteries. On the night of this date there was a strong thunderstorm all night. I didn’t sleep until three o’clock in the morning, among other things because I drank a lot of tea in the evening with the guests: Father Ilya Ivanovich Kedrov and his family, and also because I fell asleep twice during the day. At night I again drank strong tea that had not been standing for a long time, this is especially harmful; there was tightness in the chest. I thank the Lord for His good and quick help during the liturgy and for the non-judgmental communion of the Divine and most pure and life-giving Mysteries, which put my invisible enemies to flight. At the great entrance, the enemy was terribly annoying with his ghostly fears, so that I could not pronounce even a single name. At the prayer service for the blessing of water to the holy martyr Paraskeva, while reading the Gospel (104 conception: Matthew 25: 1 - 13), the enemy did not allow her to utter the words: give (to us from your oil). During the liturgy, he armed himself against the sexton for not singing enough during communion. At home during the meal (after sleep) I got angry with my brother Alexey for drinking vodka, while I myself hardly drink it. I thank the Lord, who has greatly consoled me, unworthy, with the complacent service of the liturgy and, by His mercy, uncondemned, with the communion of His Holy Mysteries. Oh, how easy it was for me after consuming the Holy Gifts! What a blessing! I was like a bird of God. There was physical and mental vigor in the morning due to the normal state of the stomach from eating raw berries - strawberries and strawberries and rye bread with boiled whitefish in moderate quantities, but most of all from the grace of God. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over invisible enemies who cruelly fought me with doubt and fear during the all-night vigil on Sunday, during the reading of the Gospel and at the first hour. At the first words of the Sunday Gospel, I stumbled and could not pronounce some words due to the slander of invisible enemies, and then continued with timidity, as if not to stumble; read to the end. At the first hour I read the prayer to Christ, the True Light to the end. I thank the Lord, who gave me warm, tender, bold prayer during the all-night vigil, especially during the six psalms and during the singing of the canon, when the people approached the Gospel, and I stood at the Gospel, sincerely praying to the Lord, so that everyone would walk worthy of their calling, the calling of Christians, members of Christ, children of God, sons and daughters of God, the birth of the Vine of Christ, the sheep of Christ flock, so that the Lord enlightens, has mercy, and saves everyone; He said: Hear, O Lord, not my groaning, but the groaning of Your Holy Spirit for Your inheritance, for the Spirit Himself intercedes for us and in us with groanings that cannot be expressed [Rom. 8, 26]. We must never forget that we are fallen creatures, unclean, guilty before the God of righteousness, corrupt, and we must always deeply humble ourselves before Him and before each other. This is meant to inspire us with church prayers, read daily: God, be merciful to me, a sinner; Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on us; Heavenly King; Holy God; Holy Trinity; Our Father, evening prayers, morning prayers and almost all prayers. Therefore, let the emerging youth know and remember most of all that it came from a sinful root and is itself subject to all kinds of sins, and let this knowledge be the basis of all other knowledge and, knowing a lot, let it not be arrogant, but try most of all to cleanse the flesh and spirit. I thank the Lady, who granted me victory against invisible enemies through my prayer during the all-night vigil yesterday. Doesn’t filling your stomach with meat and various dishes mean depriving yourself of God’s grace? Can the Spirit of God live in the heart of a glutton? Doesn’t He live in the heart of the self-controlled and humble and pure? Evening. I thank the Lord, who heard my prayer before the Liturgy for its fruitful and uncondemned service and who gave me the grace to perform it with boldness, with tenderness, sincerity, freedom and peace, and to partake without condemnation of the Most Heavenly Mysteries. Glory to Your invincible goodness, O Most Merciful Lord! I thank the Lord for his help in performing all the services and requirements throughout the day, namely: vespers and three baptisms - I served cheerfully, unfailingly, sincerely, triumphant in spirit. May Your help not leave me, O Lord, until my last breath; May the multitude of my sins not be overcome by Your mercy. Amen. I thank the Lord, who, through my prayer, saved me from contempt for my brother, Archpriest Matthew, allowed in the secret of my heart, internally. I repented of my secret sin, asked for forgiveness from the Lord, and the Lord saved me from the oppression of the enemy. I said to the Lord: give me the grace to remember my brother with respect and love, and not with malice, contempt and envy. I, Lord, am the worst of all, but everyone is a thousand times better than me. On July 19th I spent the night poorly, I hardly slept because I drank a lot of coffee and sweet tea with overcooked jam the day before and slept during the day. I tossed and turned from side to side: there was a slight pain in the lower back. Drink less coffee and tea. Have something to eat at night. (I drank coffee twice and tea twice.) Sleeping immediately after lunch is very harmful; you need to take a walk beforehand. I thank the Lord, who has wrought a miracle of His mercy on me this day and through the communion of His Holy Mysteries, healed my mental and physical infirmities and illnesses, and also given me peace and freedom of spirit. At lunch (at one o'clock in the afternoon) I ate soup with pea pods, which was excellent, meat with bread sauce, and drank Sauternes (life-saving). Then he went to serve a prayer service, then rested, then served Vespers with a prayer service, then drank tea with cream. All this had a very good effect on health. Thank you Lord for everything! I thank the Lord, who interceded and saved me from the kindled arrows of the evil one and from the desire of passions during the service of the all-night vigil under the gates of Gostiny Dvor, when, due to the action of the enemy, I was indignant at the deacon for not kissing the hand at the usual time and not bowing to the priest, that is, to me. I cried out to the Lord: behold, Lord, passions struggle with me, but intercede and save me Yourself, my Savior 72 - and the Lord saved. I also said: this is the dream of the devil. I thank the Lord, who interceded for me through my prayer from the malice planted in my heart by the spirits of malice against Deacon Peter Al. Sofronov during early mass and before at the unction of Olga Ivanovna Semenova for his sluggishness and lack of helpfulness on time. A terrible anger captivated and tormented me; such evil suspiciousness, in such a black form the enemy represented the face of my brother! I was also angry with Kutuzov for standing like a pillar and not bowing when necessary. It took me many struggles and prayers to get rid of the spirit of malice. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without condemnation and to partake of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation. The night before, on the evening of July 19, I ate fatty soup, ate two soft-boiled eggs and a small portion of fish pie, and this made it very difficult for me at night, and during early mass, and at prayer services, and in the procession of the cross until lunch. There is no need to eat at night, especially after a meaty and hearty dinner. Otherwise, you can hasten death. In the morning, when I administered unction to Olga Ivanovna Semyonova, the ethereal enemy did a terrible dirty trick on me, from which I, due to my addiction to earthly things, could not free myself during almost the entire sacred rite: he stung me with the sting of selfishness and the desire for death (oh horror, oh disgust!) painful. This is how true the word of the Gospel is: You cannot serve God and mammon [Matt. 6, 24; OK. 16, 13]. That’s how absurd passions are, how unrighteous and wild! And we still sometimes believe the voice of passion, as if it were something real, plausible, and we, crazy ones, fight for passions, and not against them. Whether the enemy arouses anger against our neighbor under a plausible or unseemly pretext, we immediately become embittered against our brother, and do not resist the anger, do not pray with special fervor of love for our neighbor, we reprimand him with haste and impatience, we want to heal another, while we ourselves are in extreme inflammation of spiritual illness. Love the earthly Fatherland and the Father of the Fatherland: it has educated you, enlightened you, distinguished you, honored you, and satisfies you with everything - but especially love the Heavenly Fatherland and the Father of that Fatherland, the next century; that Fatherland is incomparably more honorable and dearer than this, because it is holy and righteous, unshakable, endless, incorruptible, beautiful, blessed, because it has given and is giving you incomparably greater advantages and benefits than this earthly one, because the Father of that Fatherland is not a mortal and servile man, but the Eternal God, who created everything; it gave you the title of a child of God, an heir of God and a joint heir of Christ, because the Heavenly Father will make you a participant in all the blessings of His Kingdom, which no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and has not entered... into the heart of man (1 Cor. 2:9); then the Fatherland is deserved to you by the priceless blood of the Son of God. But in order to be a member of that Fatherland, respect and love the laws of that Fatherland, just as you are obliged to respect and respect the laws of the earthly Fatherland, for without this you will not become a citizen of such an excellent Fatherland; love this spiritual and educational school, which forms us into members and citizens of that Fatherland. We celebrate the birthday of the pious Empress and Empress Maria Al. From this incident I want to take the opportunity to talk about how great the gift of existence is given by God to each of us; how to thank God for it and how to use it; what love we owe to our parents and fatherland, who preserved and raised us, and especially what love we owe to the Heavenly Father, who regenerated us by spiritual birth, that is, baptism, and raised us in the Church of His Son, our Lord Jesus Christ, into citizens of the Heavenly Fatherland. Avoid eating milk and fatty soup at night: it makes your stomach extremely strong, and fatty soup clogs your stomach. You said [that] I’m like your second father, I’m afraid of you. Who do you think you are? I'm not afraid of you, but of God. (Anna Konstantinovna sister-in-law.) Yesterday, during the all-night vigil, Satan wounded me, confusing and paralyzing my soul with his dreamy fear, but I did not despair, resorted to the throne of mercy, prayed with all my heart for mercy, cleansing, healing, and received the mercy of God. Otherwise the villain just drove me crazy. From now on, in order not to be embarrassed, we must pronounce words and names with all our hearts, sincerely, with love, and remember that the priest in the church of God is a domestic person, close to God and the saints, but the people, and especially those who rarely come to church, only on orders, are the weakest in spiritual mind, for they live outside of grace. So, take heart, servant of God! So, say firmly, with love, what you have to say. (During the dismissal service I lost my way and while praying to Christ, the True Light, I was afraid that they would start singing and not allow me to finish my prayers.) I thank the Lord for the gift of mental and physical health, interceded and given to me by the Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord. Yesterday I cheerfully and loudly, with a clear voice, served Matins, and Mass, and Vespers, and the All-Night Vigil. The great movement in the procession, and the singing of many prayers, and excellent food (meat and milk, wine - Sauternes), and good digestion of the stomach, and cleansing were useful. Yet this was improved by grace through wisdom, goodness and power. I thank the Lord, who provides for me in such a way, for in the small, apparently, in the great, His wisdom, goodness and power are everywhere. And the person himself is weak, weak. The enemy strives to constantly sow seeds of hostility, enmity, discord in our souls, bringing to our memory some offensive words or actions of our neighbors; but for the sake of the love of Christ we must forget and forgive all insults and live in peace and harmony, overthrowing the fighter with the prayer of faith and rejecting petty pride. On July 22nd I had a hot bath. The real Gehenna is from the one who breathes hellfire, that is, Satan. In the morning he visited me with anger at the sexton Kutuzov because of a trifle: because he did not immediately get up at the sight of me from the bench on which he was sitting at the widow’s church house; he tormented me, he tormented me, as they say, to my heart’s content, and I prayed and repented; an hour later, not earlier, he somehow let go. During mass, he again drew me into the network of anger against Father Matthew, a fellow archpriest, for no apparent reason: my brother did not offend me and did nothing, but only because he saves money and does not give it to anyone, as if I care about this and as if because of that man in the image of God should be hated, whereas this dust really should be hated, that is, addiction to them. Such an evil despondency came over me that no prayer helped; and at the great entrance, too, despondency weighed terribly - I could not speak the names of the royal family. I convinced myself with all kinds of images that I was more sinful than everyone else, that I was the doer and abode of all sinful defilements - and nothing helped. He took communion quite calmly, with sincere repentance, but all the devilish despondency weighed on his heart. After communion he calmed down and became more animated. I read the prayer behind the pulpit loudly, with a particularly strong accent, in spite of the rapist devil, who frightened and shook my heart with doubt and fear. Well, woe was me! He cried during mass because of the grief and insults of the enemy. I don’t know what my brothers thought and felt. They have no struggle, no bitterness: they serve mass as if they were playing cards - jealousy and envy will inevitably take over. What happy people! No one will touch them, not even with a small pity (or sting)! They are like righteous people in a world that is adulterous and sinful, like Mount Zion 73 [Ps. 124, 1 ]! However, I have to blame myself: I’m a big glutton! In the evening I ate fish with sauce and drank two glasses of sweet tea with a bun, when, to tell the truth, I didn’t need to eat or drink because I was full. The Lord beats, but I don’t feel, He instructs the mind, but I don’t admonish. He sinned, grumbled against the Lord, and was bold before Him in his reasoning and bold internal questioning! He said: if You gave the commandment to love your neighbor [John. 15, 12], for example, father’s brother Matthew, then why don’t you give me the strength to love him? Why do I turn away from him, hate him, despite all my efforts to love him? But he who hates his brother is a murderer (1 John 3:15). How many bad rumors have I heard about him? “But I’m a hundred times worse than him, or rather, not all rumors about him are correct, many are exaggerated, others are made up.” Oh, it is the bodiless enemy who brings back the thorns of malice in the heart! But if we are brethren, serving one cause, one throne, one God, partaking of one Cup of salvation, the Cup of peace and love, then let us live in love. God! Do with me what you want, but give me righteous love, show me yourself how I can live with brother Matthew! It is extremely necessary to beware of anger. At home, due to the devil’s obsession and my own habit, I became embittered with my sister Anna Konstantinovna due to her supposed hatred of my late mother and partly with Maria Konstantinovna for her frequent visits; He took this evil despondency out of the house, met the sexton and became angry with him for an empty pretext; then, using the same skill, he became angry with Father’s brother Matthew, who had not offended me in any way. It's all my fault! What should I do? My heart is extremely spoiled by worldly passions and cannot be a receptacle of pure love, humility, meekness, kindness, patience, long-suffering, leniency, compassion, rejoicing, abstinence, pure prayer, contemplation! - God! Everything is possible for you. You can fix me, update me! God! I am the earth, which has drunk in abundance the beneficial rain of grace, my heart and body are constantly fed by Your Flesh and Blood - and I am still a stranger to Your Spirit! Alas for me, accursed, proud, voluptuous, intemperate, deceitful, proud, vain, vain, envious, money-loving! I read magazines, and the enemy sows his thorns into me, and the enemy strips me of all virtue, and the enemy steals me from myself and from the Lord! Alas for me! I constantly need to study in the word of God and in the works of the holy fathers. I was extremely embarrassed by the enemy when I heard about the arrival of Anna Konstantinovna, my wife’s sister, who had long forgotten all the troubles and hostility and is trying and is showing love for me, while I continue to harbor hostility towards her out of rancor! May there not be a trace of hostility in me from now on. God! do this! And it was so hard for me to hear about her! Only fiery prayer overcame demonic malice! God! what troubles there are in the world! Woe to us sinners! Because the devil came down to us in great rage, knowing that he had little time left [Rev. 12, 12 ]! I myself am money-loving, and voluptuous, and stingy, and angry, and envious, and lustful, and crafty, and treacherous, and hypocritical - why don’t I hate myself, but brother Matthew, when I remember that he is like that, although I don’t know his inner disposition, I hate him, I want to drive him off the face of the earth, although I am powerless to do anything to him? Isn’t he pleasing to God that the devil attacks him like this through me? Let us surrender ourselves and each other and our entire life to Christ God, the Judge and Knower of the Heart. When you see and smell the censer you should say: Lord! take away from our hearts the stench of our passions, malice, envy, pride, self-love, fornication, covetousness and other things, and give us the fragrance of Your holiness, Your virtues: meekness, kindness, humility, patience, abstinence, chastity; at the sight of lamps we must pray: enlighten the mental eyes of our hearts with the light of Your Gospel, take away the coldness of sin from our hearts and ignite them with the fire of the Holy Spirit, give us fiery hearts and a fiery language of heavenly love. You, devil, are the culprit of all sin, you have taught people all kinds of sinful delights: self-love, hard-heartedness, pride, fornication, love of money, lust: gluttony, drunkenness, malice, envy, severity, despondency, doubt, insolence, rage, laughter. I hate you, I despise you, I deny you, but not my neighbor, in whom I see these or similar sins - I feel sorry for my neighbor, I grieve for my neighbor, I pray to God to correct and have mercy on him (for example, Father Matthew, co-servant, cleric). Decidedly you, devil, are the culprit of all evil and not people. And today at the christening how you embarrassed me, frightened me, seduced me with feminine charms! The bad cheese I ate yesterday should no longer be eaten: it weakens the nerves and the voice, and therefore the spirit itself becomes weak; eat good cheese (if you have to), and wash it down with wine to strengthen the body and have good digestion. You shouldn’t eat the city milk that you ate yesterday either, because what do city cows eat?.. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me this day through the communion of His Holy Immortal, Life-giving and Terrible Mysteries, when I was killed, and oppressed, and darkened by my sins. I thank you for this wonderful, heavenly peace of God, brought into my heart by the Divine flesh of the Body and the Divine drinking of the Blood of the Lord. In this state of grace, I went to serve a prayer service to [gingerbread maker] Trofim Ivanov, who after the prayer service served us a fast, but pleasant and healthy meal: white and red mushrooms, herring, caviar, pie, wine, and the three of us: me, the father deacon and the sexton, had a pleasant snack, for the glory of God. I thank the Lord, who gave me victory over the invisible enemies who fought me during Matins, Liturgy and Vespers: glory to His grace, glory to His power, glory to His mercy! I thank the Lord for the victory over invisible and fighting enemies at the wedding of Plato and Elena (July 23 instead of the archpriest); the enemies wanted to silence me, they caused silence and confusion, but I began to read louder and louder with tension, and read all the prayers, all the words. God bless! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from greed for pickled fish, salmon, which I felt sorry for the guests in my heart, but soon repented of it and considered it an honor that my neighbors, members of Christ, my fellow members, were eating it. Enemies were cutting into and partly cut into my heart through a vain and destructive addiction to earthly things; Only through intense inner prayer did I get rid of them and from this shameful passion, which inspires despise of man, created in the image of God, to whom God Himself put everything under his feet: sheep and oxen of all, and also the animals of the field, the birds of the air and the fish of the sea, everything that passes on the paths of the sea [Ps. 8, 7–9]. Mighty is the saving right hand of my Lord. Let everyone continually cultivate the field of his heart, and not be lazy in carefully plucking out the weeds of passions and unkind thoughts and feelings; Let everyone constantly stimulate himself to goodness, let him not sleep, but let him be awake and sober, for our enemy does not sleep, and the bad seed quickly grows into worthless grass, drowning out the wheat of virtue. Our life should be continuous activity, continuous spiritual labor, unceasing cutting. Peace lies ahead—in the next century. The enemy constantly strives to kill our hearts through insensibility, coldness, self-love, malice, envy, pride, malevolence, deceit, vanity, love of money, covetousness, voluptuousness, fornication, vanity, despondency, severity, gloominess, empty entertainment, reading empty books, ridicule, etc. We must constantly fight against sins so that they do not kill us completely. We must rise daily from the dead, be reborn every day through prayer, fasting, repentance, and tears, put off the old man and put on the new. Don’t eat pickled fish: I’m scrofulous, and it’s bad for me. Everything is fresh and somewhat resolving. On fasting days in the evenings, instead of tea, drink fresh Bavarian kvass with black bread, a glass or two. Eat less Lenten pies: they strengthen the stomach, that is, they clog. The disembodied enemy strongly combats us during Divine services because at this time, through our mediation by the grace of God, the rebirth of Christian souls and our own takes place, therefore, let us not lose heart from the slander of the enemy, but let us be courageous and strengthened, looking with the eyes of our hearts at the Hero of Christ, who stands invisibly before us and secretly accomplishes rebirth in our souls. (During the Six Psalms, it was difficult for the enemy to act because Father Matthew read the prayers of the lamp aloud while I, a serving priest, was secretly praying. It seemed that I was being lifted up with pride. But he prayed fervently, and the enemy envied him.) Marya Arsenyevna and many people testified to me about the special grace of God in their hearts when I, indecent, serve the grace of God. Glory be to You, Lord, and not to me. The one who cannot be contained by heaven is contained in a small church vessel, and on a small throne the One who sits on the Cherubim will sit. Wonderful are Your works [...], Lord of heaven and earth! I thank the Lord for the peace and joy in the Holy Spirit with the health of the body, given to me by the Most Merciful through the communion of His life-giving Mysteries during the Liturgy today. I thank you for the healthy meats that the Lord gave me to taste during my home dinner (good fresh meat soup with roots and roast meat with sauce on black bread), and for the healthy sleep after lunch, which was so necessary after my labors from early morning until two o’clock in the afternoon. (I need to eat quick food for cheerfulness: it alone gives healthy juices to me, who is extremely scrofulous; marrow from bones is also good, good cream from village cows is also good.) The rule is very useful. On a fast day, when at lunch you eat meat soup and roast with bread sauce, washing it all down with cream or milk, during evening tea you do not eat anything, and if after a midday nap you drank tea and coffee with cream, then in the evening do not drink tea. This is required by the law of nature and common sense and one’s own benefit (health). July 24. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to peacefully, with a sincere heart, with tenderness and tears, perform the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church in a completely healthy state of the body, that everything was the fruit of good, with a clear conscience, communion of the Divine Mysteries during and after the Divine Liturgy on this day. Natural scientists think to be wiser than God Himself, drawing up their plans for the universe and rejecting the divinely inspired tale of Moses and the apostles about the creation of the world. Women spend their entire lives in a filthy toilet; because of the toilet they can’t get ready for church. Oh, endless vanity! Oh, poor soul, constantly offended by the flesh! I thank the Lord for saving me from the anger that overwhelmed me towards the servant Anna, who offended my mother, while my wife protects and even spoils her to the point of excess. He repented sincerely, and the Lord forgave. July 25. 8 o'clock in the morning. Our wealth is the image of God, planted in us and carefully preserved, God who dwells in us, taking care of everything concerning us and giving everything in abundance, and the future endless Kingdom prepared for those who love Him. Behold the wealth of a Christian! The wealth of a Christian is humility, kindness and constant meekness, abstinence, chastity, patience with insults and sorrows, complacency and courage, contentment with little things, simplicity and sociability of character. But material wealth, acquired with greed and kept with avarice, is a heavy burden for the soul and a burden for the heart and all virtue. It is not in vain that it is said: You cannot serve God and mammon [Matt. 6, 24; OK. 16, 13]. Sunday, 10 am. I thank the Lord for his ineffable mercy, for accepting my inner sincere repentance of secret anger towards the sexton without any sufficient reason when meeting him at Semyonov’s (the son of the former headman). I repented to the Lord like this: Lord, I recognize my guilt, that in one instant I transgressed all Your law, or I hated my brother for his imaginary neglect of me, I, being daring, transgressed all Your commandments. Have mercy on me, Lord, and give me the grace in the future to warn my brother in greetings, and not wait for a greeting, and to love him as my own member, to forgive him, to be condescending to him (to enter into his position), to endure his love. The devil fell upon me during the liturgy with all the weight of hell through hatred of the reader. But I said: this hatred is a dream, devilish malice, I want to love my brother, but, God, deliver me from hatred; I did not give in to the enemy - and he ran away from me. After Sunday mass on July 25th. I felt grief from the two eggs I had eaten the day before and from two glasses of tea with cream, when nature had no need for them at all - in a word, grief from satiety: there was such cramping in my insides, such an evil despondency that I did not know where to go from grief and crampedness and from involuntary anger at the sexton who stood in the altar, who had nothing against me at all - everything seemed to me, every movement in an evil light imagined. From now on, do not eat anything at night, especially after a hearty lunch. The Lord punished me worthily. After communion of the Holy Mysteries, I calmed down. I thank the Lord. He spoke a sermon based on the book of the Most Reverend Gregory. The anger in me had not yet died, I was still irritated with my wife because of empty things and I offended myself more than anyone else, I hurt myself more than anyone else, upsetting myself, saddening the Holy Spirit and the Guardian Angel, making my heart, which was the temple of the Holy Spirit, a dwelling place for evil demons. I thank the Lord, who once again accepted my heartfelt repentance and raised me from the death of sin and from unbearable distress. Oh, accursed priest I am: I pray for the repose of the souls of my deceased neighbors, but I myself am constantly dying from various passions - from anger, envy, pride, gluttony, satiety, prodigal movements, from despondency and other passions. Woe to me, accursed, stinking corpse! Woe to me, darkened by worldly pleasures! God! Take away the stench and darkness of my passions and scent me with the fragrance of repentance and tenderness with tears, meekness, humility, complacency, patience, purity and chastity, abstinence, mercy. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly saved me from mortal dangers and left me alive to repentance. But why am I still uncorrected? Why else do I live for myself, and not for the Lord? Why do I please the flesh, corrupted by sin and sin-loving? Why gluttony? Why doesn’t anger and enmity die in me? Why do greed and covetousness still live in me? Why didn't I crucify the world? Today is the 20th day after the death of my mother: I went with my godson Evdokim to the cemetery: I served a memorial service at the grave of mother Feodora Vlasyevna and father-in-law father Konstantin Petrovich and mother-in-law Anna Petrovna. The weather is magnificent, clear, warm. I am a sinner, who has corrupted myself with fornication since my youth, therefore my heart cannot contain pure, constant love for people, but is often shaken by thoughts of irritation, angry, frantic with malice. Knowing his uncleanness, I must constantly pray to the Lord, that he may give me a pure heart, capable of loving everyone and forgiving everyone, being humble before everyone, being merciful to everyone, being kind to everyone, and being patient with everyone. May Your mercy be upon me, Lord. Even for babies! - oh, you demon-possessed heart, unreasonable heart! You are all lies! In some of us the devil has long built a nest, and lives and reigns. Woe to us! Lord, have mercy on us! I thank the Lord, who enabled me through the simplicity and effort of prayer of faith to drive out the spirit of malice from my heart during the litany before the removal of the body of Olga Ivanovna Semyonova. And how close I felt to him - how he irritated me! The Lord suddenly, like lightning, drove him away, and I felt calm and spacious both during the removal, and during mass, and almost the entire day. The Lord is strong and strong... in battle [Ps. 23, 8]. Glory to Thee, Lord! In the evening, the spirit of malice stung me again, and again I felt cramped - again I prayed with all my heart in repentance, and again the Lord had mercy, granting peace and space. 8 pm. Look at the baby of Christian parents not only with the eyes of the body, but with the eyes of faith, as at the holy Angel of the Lord, as at the Lord Himself, who was born for us and protects the babies. Although Anna Konstantinovna was once angry with me (just as I am sometimes angry with others), she wonderfully changed towards me in her dispositions and feelings and proved her change with numerous experiences and her kindness. Therefore, let me establish brotherly love for her, a brotherly disposition of heart, and with her - for her husband and for her child. Give it, Lord! Help me! Have mercy on evil and crafty people: the devil has a strong influence on them, like a fast river, dragging them into anger. You excuse yourself, because you know from experience how strong anger is. Holy people of God are beautiful, imperishable, fragrant flowers; Do not touch these flowers with lips that stink of sins, that is, pronounce them with a pure heart and pure lips, not carelessly, not with absent-minded thoughts, but with reverence, unhurriedly. They are verbal heaven, they lived on earth heavenly, wonderfully, in great deeds, in great love, in great humility, kindness, patience, self-sacrifice, loving God above all else. Every day, every hour, sin brings its murderous paw into me and sinks its teeth into me - and what would happen to me if the faith of Christ, this daughter of heaven, so faithfully and lovingly saving me, did not constantly come to my aid, if not for a sincere prayer of repentance to the God of my Life?.. Every day I am subject to the violence of many different passions, like tigers or vipers, tormenting and stinging me! Every day, against my will, I grow cold towards God, and towards every virtue, towards the commandments of God, and I ardently pursue earthly benefits, earthly goals: the pleasure of the larynx, the acquisition of money, various things, the honor and glory of this world. Meanwhile, I experienced a thousand times that in all this there is no peace and happiness for me, that my peace, my pure, true, high bliss is in God. God is eternal love; everything earthly is decay. God! I thank You, for by Your grace the devil, this cunning murderer, constantly cunning within me, did not break me to evil with his incessant incitements. The sexton Vasily Ivanovich showed disobedience during mass - he did not sing slowly the dogmatist when I asked. It's bad for him, not for me. I will fine him for disobedience and negligence. I thank the Lord for the supernatural, gracious help given to me, corrupted the day before by satiety and drunkenness, during the service of the Liturgy and the communion of the Holy Mysteries; I thank the Lord for the merciful cleansing of my sins and the unburning of my repentance during the communion of the Terrible Mysteries. Eating and drinking heavily corrupts our souls terribly; death enters widely into the soul and body of a glutton, and he who has mortal power is the devil. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to compose a deliberate word and pronounce it at late mass. I learned from experience that all people are better than me, and I am worse than everyone, like some monster, like a moral monster. God! Have mercy on me, take away my ugliness, fill my emptiness with Your Divine gifts, as I am empty of virtues. Fill me with faith, hope and love. July 27; evening, 11 o'clock; after evening prayer. I thank the Lady, who quickly heard me in the prayer of my repentance and had mercy on me and my sins, cleansed me with Motherly prayer, and bestowed peace and freedom on my soul after the languor of sin and cramped conditions (dislike of Anna Konstantinovna and her children)... Consider that those rooms in which you do not live belong to Rufina, and be at peace. Where sin abounds, grace abounds [Rom. 5, 20]. These words of Scripture are fulfilled in me, a great sinner. It seems that this is why the Lord raised me to the rank of priesthood and brought me closer to the throne of His grace and so often makes me His fellow man through the communion of His Divine Body and Blood, so that with the help of abundant grace I would constantly repent, shed tears for the sins I have committed and are committing, be cleansed, sanctified, strengthened and, saving myself, save others. God! You see this... Glory to You! It will not quench the smoking flax [Isa. 42, 3; Matt. 12, 20]. O divine meekness of my Lord! Oh, wonderful long-suffering! He does not extinguish, does not stop our life when he sees that in our soul there are at least the makings of repentance and correction, when at least there is only the incense of repentance, the beginning of correction, and not the very fire of zeal for virtue. (Censer means this internal heart incense.) A bruised reed he will not break [Isa. 42, 3; Matt. 12, 20]. Although I am weak in virtue, like a reed, bending in all directions from the opposite winds, my meek and long-suffering Lord does not yet break me, does not cut me, but is long-suffering with me, waiting to see if I will become established in virtue. Glory to Your meekness, Your gentleness and long-suffering, O Lord! Wild meat has grown in your heart (passion) - cauterize it, cut it off with the knife of the Holy Spirit. Indeed, for many, many, wild meat covers the heart. Cauterization, cauterization is necessary: ​​fasting, vigil, prayer, sorrow, illness, temptation. I thank the Lord, who taught my hands to fight and my spiritual fingers to fight [Ps. 143, 1], in order to defeat the invisible enemies who acted through the passions of ambition, anger and despondency during the liturgy, and not to succumb to their incitements. I praise, Lord, Your wisdom, Your strength, Your mercy, in whose image I was able to overcome the fighting, invisible enemies (I was indignant at the deacon’s father that he did not always kiss the priest’s hand when he should, thinking that he does this out of contempt). I thank the Lord for deliverance from the cramped conditions that struck me at home for the secret ill-will and gloating when talking about the difficulty for Anna Konstantinovna, which is associated with weaning a child. God! grant me not one iota to obey the sin operating in my heart. The words of church prayers, sacred rites and rituals can and should be spoken without blushing, as broadcasts of the Spirit of truth Himself, as words of life and blessings of God. Let all selfishness of the priest disappear during the performance of public prayers and Sacraments; let him be all in God. Oh, if only we could always think, feel, speak and do this way, as it is written in church prayers and prayers during the celebration of the Sacraments or as it is written in the Gospel, the Apostolic Epistles, the Psalter and all Holy Scripture! I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the Sacrament of Marriage without stumbling, with boldness, in the power and truth of the Lord. Bear each other's burdens, and thus fulfill the law of Christ [Gal. 6, 2]. Why do I, a sinner, not always want to bear the burdens of my neighbor? Why do I live for myself, and not for the Lord? – From pride: you must hate yourself, your soul, full of passions. We, who are many, are one body [Rom. 12:5]: someone else’s grief should be my grief, someone else’s joy should be my joy. Early (second) mass. I endured a strong temptation today through my haste and disobedience of the altar watchman Nicholas, whom I ordered to move the washstand from one aisle to another, but he said: there is no time. I was offended by him and outraged in spirit to the extreme, instigated to this by the adversary the devil: two or three times the barometer of my heart fell completely - I could not speak at the great entrance, and then, with the effort of faith and prayer, I rose again, my heart calmed down, the offense was forgotten (although the offense was small). I blamed myself for demanding that the washbasin be moved, which was not far to reach (only it was necessary soon); I remembered Nikolai’s constant correctness in everything and considered it unfair to defame him for one fault. The words of the song Izhe Cherubim especially convicted me... let us put aside all worldly cares. If a priest forms 74 Cherubim, then he must be all goodness, gentleness, all grief and not be indignant at anything earthly; put aside all worldly cares, do not take revenge for insults, forget insults, do not work for any passion. Then the words denounced me: The song of victory... Can I, I thought, sing a song of victory when I have not yet conquered myself, my passions, malice, pride, envy, gluttony, fornication, love of money, etc.? But I must win, like the Lamb of God, who defeated His enemies with gentleness, meekness, and patience. Oh, how proud, weak, angry and proud I am! God! Fix me. Before the mass, I went to Dobrokhotov to give prayer to the mother in labor, and already there, I stumbled, became embarrassed, or, embarrassed, stumbled more than once: during and after the prayer I was already restless; the enemy has eaten up; I came to church a little late: the bell had already rung and the Semenovs had gathered; the first early mass and memorial service ended before I arrived; I hastily made the entrance, restlessly, not entirely cordially: I needed to have a washstand closer, and I ordered the watchman to bring it, but he did not listen; This again worried me and made me very angry, although, to tell the truth, it was me and no one else who was to blame. He stuck me with an untimely order when the watchman was really busy. And if he was capricious, God be with him: this is human, and I also admit sometimes, I am capricious, and he is human; May God forgive him and not hold it against him. I offended the Lord countless times with reason, not out of ignorance - and He forgave me. I forgave even this day, when I completely abandoned my anger towards Nicholas, knowing that it was the work of the devil, our scolder and slanderer; I calmed down and partook of the Divine Mysteries without condemnation. And now the enemy is again inciting us to anger, setting us on fire, and pressing us in our sides and in our hearts. You should not take anything to heart: love and peace must always be preserved. To be above all passions and indignations. This is what true Christianity consists of: conquering your passions, so as not to be indignant, not to become embittered, not to envy, not to be proud, not to seek honor, not to be selfish, not to have or harbor lewd thoughts, etc. All the former mental turmoil came from the sweets that I consumed a lot the day before. I sinned before the Lord and before my brother Nikolai (the watchman): I became angry and embittered against him during the service in vain, instigated by a murderous enemy. Forgive me, Lord! Again I fell into deception of the enemy, again I listened to him. But brother Nikolai really had no time, as he explained. I drank three glasses of coffee after lunch - and it became hot and my head hurt. Drink one glass. Every day I read a prayer to the Lord, the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy Guardian Angel or all the disembodied Powers, the Forerunner, the apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs and all the saints, I glorify them in songs - but have I been inspired by their spirit, have I been imbued with the spirit of their faith, hope and love for God and humanity? No: I remain an old man, unrenewed, a passionate man; He has not yet transformed all brutality, anger, wildness of character, stubbornness, and self-will into sheepish meekness and obedience; loving and beloved disposition - into the immaterial, unearthly, heavenly life; love of glory - in negligence towards the glory of this world; voluptuousness - to the chagrin of the flesh. Alas for me, careless, lazy, many sinners, uncorrected! I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform the early Divine Liturgy without stumbling on July 30, Friday, and to receive communion for joy, peace, freedom and joy, and also for the health and strength of the body of the Divine Brush and Drink, that is, His Body and Blood. Glory to Your mercy, which cannot be overcome by our evils, so that we always repent of them. God! Let us not become stubborn in malice, but let us acquire love that never falls away (1 Cor. 13:8). God! the enemy flatters and wrestles with my soul. First I won’t even completely perish; save me 75 . God! Grant me to sincerely love every person, whether he is worthy of love or not, for Your own sake, for the sake of Your commandment: love your neighbor as yourself [Matt. 22, 39 ]; grant you to love simply, without thinking, without any guile, without bearing any grudge against anyone; loving not only for affection and love, but loving the enemies themselves, ill-wishers for Your sake, for the sake of the fact that they are Your members, for the sake of Your image in them; not only the rich, who give me the means for earthly life, but also the poor, the ignorant, but also the simple; not beautiful, but also ugly, for the believer looks not at the corruptible beauty of the body, but at the incorruptible beauty of the soul, created in the image of God, not at earthly nobility, but at high nobility, for all are called sons of God and heirs of the Kingdom prepared for those who love God, not at corruptible wealth, but at the incorruptible riches of the grace of God given to us all: grace appeared God, saving for all people [Tit. 2, 11]. Be indifferent to the glory and dishonor of this world, for they are temporary and impermanent. Today they will scold you, and tomorrow they will praise you, and vice versa. Achieve true, eternal glory through true humility, meekness, patience, kindness, sincere love, mercy, service to your neighbors, and sincere care for the souls entrusted to you. Champion (Church Slavic) – an accomplice in the struggle, a winner, an intercessor. Zion is the sacred mountain on which Jerusalem is built; in a figurative sense - a host of righteous people who have reached the pinnacle of virtue. Forms (Church Glav.) – depicts, takes on an image. 5th week of Great Lent, Wednesday evening, stichera of the Great Canon. You might be interested in: