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I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the grave machinations of the enemy and brought me into silence through the communion of His Most Pure Mysteries. All through the womb and through the prosphora, the enemy tempts me during the proskomedia and liturgy, and this means that the passion of gluttony and voluptuousness has taken deep roots in me, and at the same time the enemy; I need to uproot this passion - I need to fast (keep Petrov’s fast). It is intentional to get used to stale prosphora, but for the people to have good prosphora. Watch over this so that the gift of God is not blasphemed. I thank the Lord for the grace of celebrating the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church on Sunday (May 2). Week about the Blind; great confusion and oppression from the enemy due to the presence of the elder, Priest John Ioannovich [Peretersky], who was taken by some of the social activists against the wishes of the clergy. But the grace of God reconciled me with him. Yes it will be. The Lord is good and generous to everyone, he builds everything for the good of everyone, he gives everything to everyone. A priest who bears such a heavenly rank, the highest degree of priesthood, must be on high, heavenly, selfless, placing all his trust in God, as a servant and at the same time as His closest friend, representing His own person and doing His work. If anyone, then especially he should never violate love with his neighbors for the sake of self-interest, for the sake of dishonor or insult caused to him, and constantly maintain peace and love with his neighbors, as far as 47 is possible, without prejudice to faith and piety. I thank the Lord for hearing our prayer for the sick baby Peter (Kovrigin), who lives in Turkin’s house, near the Vladimir Church, on Gospodskaya Street; The baby has recovered and is eating and drinking. If we are full and satiated, clothed and overdressed, then why do we rage when we see that other neighbors are also given a piece of food and money? Why are we angry and worried? Do those who get grains from our rich table take away our lives? Oh, how greedy, selfish, base, unloving, ungrateful, malicious, selfish, proud we are - and I am the first! God, have mercy on us [and deign] us to love each other heartily, tame the aspirations of the passions, extinguish the kindled arrows of the evil one, even flatteringly driven towards us: quench the rebellion of our flesh, and put to rest all our earthly and material wisdom. And grant us, God, a cheerful mind... a sober heart 48. In church I am truly like in earthly heaven: here I see the faces of the Lord, the Most Pure Mother of God, the holy Angels, here is the throne of God, here is the life-giving Cross, here is the eternal Gospel - this word of God by which everything was created, here are the faces of saints; I feel here in the obvious presence of God, the Mother of God, the Heavenly powers and all the saints. This is truly heaven on earth, here we recognize and feel ourselves to be actual members of the Body of Christ and His Church, especially during the heavenly liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ. Oh, how I must live, think, feel, speak in order to be worthy of being in this earthly heaven! I must live worthy of such a great calling to which I am called by the grace of the most generous God. How should I live, with what meekness, kindness, humility, purity, self-control, in order to worthily call the Most Holy Theotokos my Lady, my Lord the Lord of Glory! Lord, grant me such a life! I want to live worthy of the title of Christian, but I don’t find the strength to do so. Sin constantly flatters and wrestles with my soul. The Spirit is simple and cheerful, good, generous, strong, wise, sociable: call with certainty on the Lord God, Who is the Spirit, also on the Angels and saints, who, by the grace of God and by communion or unity with God and the simplicity of their being, are extremely fast, like lightning, and hear and fulfill our prayers according to the will of God. Resurrection. Week about the blind. I thank the Lord for the gift of prayers (I served eight prayers before mass) and for the grace of the liturgy; after severe temptations from the enemy due to the appearance of sexton Kutuzov at the altar, standing irreverently, the Lord gave me some peace after communion, and after consuming the Holy Gifts - perfect peace. After reprimanding the sexton, it turned out that he was not at all as crafty, angry and proud as it seemed to me, although he was not a stranger to pride and waywardness. But who is without sin? I am the first to commit all sins. Therefore, I had to treat him with meekness and love, enduring everything; I reacted somewhat harshly because he did not want to give the levy for the sermon himself, but told the watchman to give it to him; however, at my insistence, he submitted it himself. I sinned before God and people in that I was offended by Father Vasily Saltykov and the merchant Korshunov because they invited me to a prayer service for the foundation stone of a house and did not wait. The meeting was large, as it turned out, and it was impossible to wait for us. How often I got into trouble with my impatience and unreasonableness and lack of judgment! How the enemy plays with my heart and my lips! You should never get excited: do everything slowly, endure everything with meekness! The evil one greatly overpowered me during mass because the night before I drank a lot of tea with cream and ate it: I felt it. On the same day, when, without eating for a long time, I performed Baptism, I was free from the wiles of the enemy. How necessary is fasting for a priest! With gluttony, we often hang by a thread from disaster. The disembodied enemy is powerful over us only through our addiction to the world, our pride, our pride, malice, envy and other passions! Blessed are the martyrs who gave their flesh to be torn to pieces and thus completely defeated the enemy - the enemy who lives in our flesh, in carnal passions: in voluptuousness, love of money, ambition, vanity, laziness, envy, etc. Blessed are the saints who exhausted their flesh with fasting, vigil, prayer; blessed are the unmercenary and merciful, who have trampled upon covetousness and the demon of the love of money. We receive all the greatest benefits from above: light and warmth from the sun, rain from above, thunder and lightning from above, the winds too, and without all this the earth would be dead. This means that grief is the Creator of so many blessings and the supreme, our last good and bliss, not on earth, but in heaven. For the first time in my life I saw this night in a dream my Sweetest Lord Jesus Christ in the heights of the church, and from the vision of His meek face, I was completely delighted and tender - so I cried with joy and contrition for my sins. O divine vision! May 3. Morning. To love God with all your heart means not to have attachments to anything in the world and to give your whole heart to the Lord God, doing His will in everything, and not your own; with all your soul - that is, always have your whole mind in God, affirm your whole heart in Him and surrender all your will to His will in all circumstances of life, [joyful] and sad; with all our strength - that is, to love so that no opposing force could tear us away from the love of God, no circumstances of life: neither sorrow, nor oppression, nor persecution, nor height, nor depth, nor persecution, nor sword [Rom. 8, 35, 39 ]; with all your thoughts - that is, always think about God, about His goodness, long-suffering, holiness, wisdom, omnipotence, about His deeds and in every possible way avoid vain thoughts and evil memories. To love God means to love truth with all your soul and hate lawlessness, as it is said: I loved righteousness and hated lawlessness [Ps. 44, 8; Heb. 1, 9]. To love God means to hate yourself, that is, your old man: if anyone wants to come to Me and does not hate his soul, he cannot be My disciple [Lk. 14, 26]. In us, in our thoughts, in our heart and in our will there is an evil force, extremely tenacious and effective, which always, daily and every minute is forced to remove us from God, instilling vain thoughts, desires, worries, intentions, enterprises, words, deeds, exciting passions and inciting them with force, namely: to malice, envy, covetousness, pride and ambition, vanity, disobedience, stubbornness, idleness, laziness, idle talk, lies and deception, intemperance. To love God means to fulfill His commandments: whoever loves Me will keep My word... He who does not love Me does not keep My words [Jn. 14, 23, 24]. Is this humility when I fell into great indignation that Archpriest Father Saltykov did not wait for us for the prayer service and performed it alone, because many were waiting for us and did not wait, and we slowed down? - No, not humility, but pride. Is it humility that I got excited and shouted in the street, complaining that a third-party archpriest did not wait for us, while we were our own shepherds? - No, pride. God! I repent before You: forgive my sin and blot it out in me, and also blot out the temptation caused by my pride and confusion in the people who were here. I have been a corrupted sinner since my early youth, and the consequences of this corruption rage within me to this day. How will I atone for my sins, the sins of my youth? - Humility, kindness, patience, hard work, obedience to elders, abstinence, mercy - but I, the damned one, still do not have these virtues. Let me humble myself before my brethren, let me always make peace with them, let me honor the abbot, and let me not condemn any of them, being myself worthy of all condemnation. May 5, 1871 Wednesday. 6 o'clock in the morning. Early in the Duma Church. Drinking three glasses of strong tea in the evening is harmful for me: my nerves drop, my soul and body are in a painful mood. It's healthier with cream. But it is best to drink as little tea as possible: use good Bavarian kvass, it is nutritious and healthy, like breadfruit. It’s hard to eat too much black bread. I suffered a lot of mental struggle today during Matins (I didn’t serve, but listened) and Mass (which I served in the Duma!). Wednesday. Giving Easter. I thank the Lord, who took away my sorrows, the thorns of my sins and gave me sweet peace, joy and freedom through the celebration of the liturgy and the communion of His life-giving Mysteries! I praise You, my mercy, who does not forsake me in my sins, but always accepts me into Your love, for You are wise and merciful, long-suffering and abundantly merciful. (There was a struggle over the idea that merchants were leaving their shepherds and turning to outsiders: today Father John of Peretersky served Matins and Late in the Duma.) The royal house spoke calmly; full holiday on Sunday too. I thank the Lord. Send Lazarus to dip the tip of his finger in water and cool my tongue [Lk. 16, 24]. The underwater means the grace of God, like water that cools and irrigates our hearts, scorched by the heat or the hellish flame of passions. How we need this water often and very often during temptations! Then, like the rich man, we ask the Lord for even a drop of grace to cool our soul and calm it, and how joyful it is, how glad we are when the Lord, by His mercy, sends us the dew of His heavenly grace! Woe, woe to unrepentant sinners! Gehenna is surely waiting for them. For dew, even from You, is healing. What a wealth of light, air, water, earth, fire the Lord has - these five elements from which our bodies are composed and by which they live. What a wealth of products of earth and water - and all of this is primarily used by man, the king of creation! Thanks to You, our Creator! Glory to Thee, our Provider and Redeemer, who created us in His image and likeness and deigned to take upon Himself our nature! What is a person's true wealth? - In the image and likeness of God, and not in property, not in lands, not in money, not in various kinds of earthly knowledge and arts, or in possessions of various kinds, not in a multitude of servants, not in a multitude of clothes, or earthly goods in general - for all this is perishable and temporary, but the soul, the image of God, is eternal, and its wealth is virtue, holiness, humility, kindness, abstinence in everything, faith, hope and love. When I look with meditation and faith at the holy icons in the church and at all its accessories, then I come to a wonderful contemplation: the whole church seems to me like sacred history in persons, a wonderful verb of the deeds of God in the human race; here I see history in the faces of our fall, and restoration by the wonderful economy of God, and our exaltation in the incarnation of God, our deification and ascension to heaven; Here I see Archangel Gabriel preaching about the incarnation of the Son of God from the Virgin; here I see the Nativity of the Infant God, the Virgin Mother, the Bethlehem manger; here is circumcision, there is Baptism, then is the meeting of the Infant God by Simeon in the church, there is the Transfiguration and the Light of Tabor, there is the entry into Jerusalem of the righteous, meek, saving King, there is the Secret Supper and the institution of the memorial Sacrament of Communion, there is the all-saving suffering of the Lord of glory; I see, as it were, Golgotha ​​itself and the Lord crucified for the sins of the world; I see the descent into hell of the Conqueror of hell and the removal of the prisoners of hell, His resurrection and ascension to heaven - and all this for the sake of humanity and for my sake. I am in the church in Divine contemplation and thank the Lord, who loved me so much, who honored me so much, who blessed me so much! But when I look inside myself, into my heart - my God! what do I see? An abyss of voluntary and involuntary sins, an abyss of infirmities, temptations, sorrows, cramped conditions, fears, the machinations of the enemy of various kinds, impenetrable darkness, thousands of falls, a thousand deaths and deaths, sometimes I see in myself a real utter hell! The whole power, character, and cunning of the devil’s temptations regarding people lies in the fact that he has deceived and deceives, incited and incites people to love the world and what is in the world: the vain wisdom of this world, wealth, glory, nobility, earthly sweets - and to turn away from God and the heavenly Kingdom and bliss; to love vain earthly things, to care about their invention and acquisition as much as possible, and to despise the soul and its true needs; to love the flesh, its health, color, beauty, fatness, the voluptuousness of the flesh and to hate the soul, that is, virtue, to forget the immortality of the soul, its prototype - God, so that it does not think about immortality and the path leading to immortality, about God and about union with Him. Blessed are the holy saints of God, who despised the world and loved God, who despised the flesh and cared for the soul, things that are immortal. We are pitiful, we are damned, we who love the world and its vain goods, who cherish the flesh and despise the soul! May 5. Wednesday. Easter celebration, evening, 12 o'clock at night. When I walked from home today to the all-night vigil, there was extreme crampedness and irritability in my soul, especially when I saw many beggars waiting for me along the roads and chasing me, and I was upset with them in my heart, ordering me to go to the Duma Church; in church before the all-night vigil I prayed earnestly, and the tightness kept pressing me, so that only when reading the evening and morning prayers at the luminary did my heart become warm and touched. At the litia there was cramped conditions and demonic fears surrounded my poor soul; I begged the Lord for peace. It was raining before the all-night vigil, and in rainy times I can be especially irritable. Strengthens the stomach from fish soup, ruffs, roast fish with vegetable oil, and Lenten tea with a bun. Sleeping without walking in the fresh air is all together unfavorable. (Isn’t a photograph an idol church in which you see living idols idolizing themselves.) It is remarkable that when yesterday, walking from the all-night vigil, I gave alms to the poor in simplicity according to their desire, then the tightness fell away from my heart, and I felt at ease; God's grace revived me. It was hard for me when I prayed for the elder Nikolai Sidorov; he then came to the altar and spent a long time poking around at the altar cross! The apostle took, that is, a book in a silver setting, and carried it away from the altar. He considers himself to have the right to enter the altar while doing business and doing nothing, and during worship. For the sake of peace of mind, I remained silent. Ascension of the Lord. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to celebrate the Divine Liturgy with the full concelebration of Deacon P.A. Sofronov and partake of the Holy Mysteries, and boldly say the word about the hope of eternal life. I thank you for heavenly peace after the confusion of sin, for the space of the heart after the tightness of sin, for the brightness of your face after the gloom of sin. I sinned at home at dinner by judging my mother, who was gnawing a bone (for some reason it seemed indecent to me that my mother was gnawing a bone: I likened her to a dog who loves to gnaw it), and by internal malice and envy against her, which, they say, in old age, it is healthier for me to eat and drink - about which I should rejoice and thank God. I sinned - I did not honor my mother, being carried away by the vain sense of urban, vain decency. (She said that she wouldn’t eat like that in front of strangers.) And how do I eat and drink? With what greed? I’m not angry with myself, and decency aside: as long as I feel good. Oh, how deceitful, vain, evil, envious, and proud I am! The devil instigated, and I carried out the devil’s will, damned one! Where is the love? Where is the respect for mother?.. This is what I would have been (like a dark, illiterate mother) if the government had not raised me, that is, the sovereign and the Holy Synod. This means that the thought of an illiterate and ignorant mother and the view of her every time should awaken in me deep humility and gratitude before God and before the government and the warmest prayer for the Tsar, for the Holy Synod and for all the spiritual government and spiritual-educational authorities. Amen. Wake up! I thank You, most merciful and long-suffering. kindly Lord, for you soon heard my prayer to save me from anger at my brother Alexei and from the great sorrow and oppression, darkness and dishonor that befell me following my anger at him and the words: why are you shouting, cudgel?.. How rude, angry, disrespectful of a person’s personality I am! And all because of food and drink... He treated the guest a lot with my tea and sugar. Is this mine? Isn't it God's? Or that he gave vodka to the servants... and the commandment: love your neighbor as yourself? [Matt. 19, 19, etc.]. Rejoice that they are treating you with your goodness: there is profit for you, and reward from God for you, if you do not regret what you offer to the guest, if you treat him with love; the brother who treats deserves gratitude from you for good hospitality, for the ability to treat. The more satiated I am, the angrier, prouder, more envious, more adulterous, lazier, more impudent, more irritable I am. Woe to me, a damned sinner! (11 o'clock at night, May 6.) I need fasting! What a good medicine he is against passions! I thank the Lord, the all-good and wise Creator, Provider and Savior of mine, for His vigilant and all-good Providence for me, a sinner, full of all kinds of sins, that He allows temptations through various cases and collisions with neighbors and through this allows my evil and coarse passions to manifest themselves; then it strikes me with sorrow and cramped conditions, humiliation and dishonor, and thereby awakens strong repentance; then, as a result of the knowledge of all the meanness of sin and warm repentance, it gives me peace and, together with peace, the health of the body, upset by sins, and, if this happens at night, gives me a sweet sleep with peaceful visions and a vigorous awakening. This is what happened today, May 7th. I thank You, my joy, for Your all-good providence for me, for Your punishments and for Your mercy. You say: Our Father, who is in heaven, and you attach to these words various petitions, which our Lord Jesus Christ Himself set forth on our behalf - do you want what you ask for? Do you sincerely wish?.. Do you clearly understand all the words and all the petitions? Do you speak these great words with reflection? The same should be said about other prayers. Treat every person meekly and with love, as a rational and free being, and treat a Christian, no matter who he is - whether a rude ignoramus or a scientist, as a member of Christ. Remember that everyone will bear his own burden [Gal. 6:5], and do not be angry with those who sin, remembering the multitude of your sins; be extremely condescending to the weaknesses of others, remembering that you have more of them than anyone else, and God and people condescend to you many, many times; cover with love the shortcomings of people, and especially mothers. Take away from my heart, Lord, rudeness and sinful malice and give me everlasting tenderness and kindness of heart, everlasting gratitude to You, unceasing repentance, tenderness with tears. Wake up! I thank the Lord, who gave me the boldness to read the canon during the all-night vigil on the Feast of the Ascension and to the holy Apostle and Evangelist John the Theologian (in the ministry of Father Archpriest Paul, in the presence of Father Matthew, with three sextons and with a significant gathering of people). Passionate about outfits and photographs. On the outside you appear beautiful, but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy, malice, envy, pride, fornication, covetousness, stinginess, vanity, untruth; you are portrayed as beautiful, but in your soul there is ugliness of passions; you are portrayed as alive, but in fact you are dead, dead in soul, which is deprived of the grace of God; for a minute you pretend to be calm until the sun writes your image on the glass, and the rest of the time or most of the time you are outraged by passions, and sometimes you give them complete free rein. You become addicted to the perishable beauty of the body and the beauty of attire, but you forget the incorruptible beauty of the soul - I mean the beauty of virtue, meekness, humility, gentleness, modesty, simplicity, the beauty of Christian faith and piety. How good and kind you are on the card, what a calm and pleasant face! But are you always like this? Aren't these apparently good and kind faces often unkind and evil?.. Aren't the hearts of these people often gnawed by ambition, revenge, malice, envy, self-interest, stinginess, vanity? Oh, how we have become fussy, sons of men! We have turned the eyes of our hearts away from God, the source of life, from His life-giving commandments and turned them entirely on ourselves: we have made ourselves gods or, better yet, idols, walking statues, we adore brilliant and beautiful appearance, for example, beautiful and well-dressed people, like beautiful fashionable furniture, and we humiliate the ugly and roughly dressed. But who has a better soul in the eyes of God? Are those who are beautiful, dressed in fashion and extremely busy with their clothes, this vanity, or those who are dressed simply and whose mind and heart, thoughts and desires are occupied with God? What did you go to see in the desert? - the Lord spoke about His Forerunner, - was it a man dressed in soft clothes? Those who wear soft clothes are in the palaces of kings [cf. Matt. 11, 8; OK. 7, 25]. In these words, the Lord directly condemns our vanity, our passion for expensive clothes and praises His Forerunner for his lofty soul, alien to worldly passions, for his heavenly mind. Do not worry... what to wear, the Lord also said, the pagans are looking for all this [Matt. 6, 3–32]. You see, addiction to clothing is paganism, idolatry. How many pagans and idolaters under the name of Christians are among us!.. Lord! You see the hearts - dispel this darkness of idolatry, take away from the hearts the addiction to vanity and enlighten them with the light of understanding of Your holy Gospel; give them holy dispassion and complete love for You, complete desire for You, the infinite Life. May Your people pay attention to what is in them in Your image and likeness! May 8, 1871. Carnal pride is revealed in the pity of one’s neighbor for valuable or tasty food and drink and in the greed of the selfish person for food and drink; in voluptuous and unclean views of beautiful people and in disgust from ugly people; in greed, in touchiness of character, in insolence 49 relative to others, in ambition. During a meal, I am, damned, very often in an unnatural state of mind, under the influence of the rapist and my greed, I am restless, taciturn, too busy enjoying food or drink, too demanding of my fellow diners - and here with my greed I serve the ethereal enemy, fulfilling his desires, like a slave. I must eat calmly, in moderation, without greed, without stinginess in my heart. My mother has worthy traits: meekness, kindness, patience, which are so pleasing to God and which I do not have. Alas for me, accursed, although learned. I acquired a lot of knowledge, but I did not study this ABC of humility, kindness, patience, humility. God! Through the prayers of my mother, Thy servant, have mercy on me. And I am cold towards God and my neighbors, and rude, and angry, and irritable, and stingy, and selfish, and lustful - all because of gluttony and satiety! Oh, how I need to fast! Lord help me! Without You I cannot do anything good [Jn. 15, 5]. Again, the damned one, he ate greedily that night. This made early mass very difficult. Greed and dissatisfaction with small prosphora crowded me, and I was completely embarrassed when pronouncing the names of the Highest Family at the great entrance. Then I arose through the grace and endless bounty of the Lord and strengthened myself against the invisible enemies who plunged me into the abyss of despair, and served the Liturgy loudly and quite calmly and with feeling. If many cannot accommodate our Orthodox Christian faith, then this only shows that the minds and hearts of people are unclean and passionate and cannot endure its purity and light, like those who are sick with the eyes of the light of the sun. Only people who detach their minds and feelings from worldly addictions can contain this heavenly treasure in their hearts. The devil, jealous of the exaltation and deification of our being, tries by all means to humiliate, distort, and defile it with passions: pride, malice, envy, greed, stinginess or extravagance; lust, intemperance, gluttony, drunkenness, lustful abominations, sins of Sodom; vanity and vanity, lies, deceptions, hardness of heart, unmercifulness, laziness, despondency, despair, insolence, shamelessness, stubbornness and willfulness; madness, foul language, ridicule, hypocrisy, false shame, hypocrisy, partiality, injustice, bribery, man-pleasing, hatred of mankind, etc., etc. How he imperceptibly instills in us hostile, contemptuous and envious feelings towards persons for whom we initially felt respect! How sometimes for a long time we have been averse to our neighbor, who, despite all our sins, is still the image of God, although he bears the wounds of sins, and is our member and Christ’s - that we cannot even see him without embarrassment! This is how the enemy sows the weeds of hostility in us! And therefore, we must resist this hostility by all means and love our enemies, bless those who curse and do good to those who hate us, even if the heart does not want this and, like death, turns away. Let us deny ourselves. Whom do you not judge in your soul, whom do you not get angry with, whom do you not despise - your mother, your co-workers, your house servants, your brothers, your wife! He speaks wrong, stands wrong, sits wrong, eats and drinks wrong - everything is not the way I would like; I just don’t see anything behind me - I’m good myself, I do everything the way it should (supposedly). Recognize the deceit of your heart and the deceit of your enemy and stop noticing the weaknesses of others, so that the devil, seeing your pride and dislike, does not give you his glasses, black and crafty, and people do not all begin to appear as crafty and black, or demons in human form. Do not eat meat at all, but cabbage soup at night: there is [a lot of] prodigal in it (May 10). Monday. Seventh grade exam. He came to the exam calmly, entered the council hall too, but when he began to mark according to the program, the enemy began to confuse and burn; when Father Archpriest Damanov came and kissed the archpriest, and usually kissed me on the hand, it seemed offensive to me, and the enemy began to press and burn me; I was confused, tied up, amazed, and for almost the entire exam I was out of my element, out of my head. Opposite me sat Tsvetkov A., next to me was Canon Sorochinsky, there was the director, then Father Trachevsky and then Damanov. I sinned before God with impatience, grumbling, and insolence during the unction of the old woman in Lebedev’s house, when I was hot (the room was small) and when the enemy slandered me due to my satiety and afternoon sleep. I read some of the Gospels and prayer too loudly and with fury, for the enemy pressed, confused, burned me and did not let me read. During the christening in Rumyantsev’s house, in the unclean and damp air, in a sweaty state, I was also in an anxious state, burdened by the dampness of the air (I didn’t want to breathe such air for one hour, and people have lived here for centuries: what effeminacy, what ingratitude before God, who gives me daily breath of fresh air!). When, after the christening, they asked me to serve another prayer service, I took up this task with displeasure, accursed and ungrateful, and when, at the beginning of the prayer service, they asked to unexpectedly add a prayer to the Lady to the prayer to St. Nicholas the Wonderworker, I was offended by the untimeliness of the request, saying: what were you thinking? I sinned before the Lord through unbelief, bad behavior, self-will, I turned out to be impatient and impudent! So I love to serve you... just as the Apostle Peter once said: I will not deny You, even if I had to die for You [Matt. 26, 35]. Forgive me, Lord! Have mercy, Lord! Forgive me not, Lord! Make wise and confirm, Lord, henceforth to serve You and Your flock in a godly, meek, willing, and joyful manner. (But sweating is also beneficial, and praying while fighting an enemy is also very beneficial: this is for the body, and this is for the soul; and enduring something unpleasant for the body is also beneficial for the soul, since everything pleasant relaxes the soul, and everything unpleasant strengthens it.) Leave judgment over the rich and proud to the Lord and have the love commanded by the Gospel for them, as for those created in the image and likeness of God, and look carefully at yourself: are you not infected with greed and pride, and correct yourself. The word of Scripture is true: if you begin to serve the Lord God, then prepare your soul for temptation [Sir. 2, 1]. Every time I begin to work for the Lord, for example, to serve the daily services: Vespers, Matins and Mass, especially mass, I am subjected to extreme temptations and slander from the enemy, and sometimes I am close to destruction; the same thing happens during unction, parting words with the sick, during Baptism and Confirmation, Marriage, Confession, and the more people there are during the celebration of the Sacraments and prayers, the stronger the enemy’s slander. If all the pastors or clergy and clergy and flock prayed to God sincerely and unanimously, unanimously with those prayers that are pronounced in our hearing or secretly performed by the Church, then what would we not beg God for, what good would we not have, from what sins and passions, from what evils, troubles and misfortunes would we not be delivered! incline the Lord to all mercy. May the Lord grant us all to pray to Him with one accord, sincerely, strongly, and without distraction. Absurd malice, unable to do any harm to the hated person, torments only the evil one himself, and this is a worthy reward for his absurd habit and passion for malice. So, there is nothing more just and reasonable than to never have malice towards anyone at all and to overcome all evil with good, all malice with kindness, meekness and patience. Therefore, let not anger at your neighbor prevent you, no matter how unjust, money-loving, stingy, proud, envious, etc., but kindness, mercy and compassion, as for a sick member, a brother; pray for him as for yourself, and do not irritate him in any way: with this you will win him, but never with hatred, but will only harden him more. Do not run away from giving alms, for you really need it for the atonement of your sins by the grace of Christ and for increasing your eternal bliss, for whoever sows will also reap; whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly; and whoever sows generously will also reap generously (2 Cor. 9:6). Alms will be weighed against your sins. Remember the bread of Peter the Publican, thrown in annoyance to the beggar. Don’t judge the bodily needs of your family, who are partaking with you of the gifts of God’s goodness at the meal, by yourself, by your needs or by your small capacity, because you, due to illness or other reasons, can eat little, but they eat a lot, and not in excess - therefore, don’t judge them in yourself, don’t spare them anything edible and don’t take notice of them. Everyone has their own mind, their own will, their own taste, their own habit, their own capacity. Glory to the long-suffering, mercy and goodness of my Lord Jesus Christ! This day (until two o'clock in the afternoon) my Savior, through my prayer, saved me many times from my evils, from sorrow and cramped conditions and brought me into spiritual space. I want to please the Lord, but the enemy flatters and wrestles with my soul incessantly and tears it 50 with cruelty towards sin. Such demonic pride has crept into people, and especially into me, that a person despises a person, the son of a mother or father, a friend of a friend, a relative of a relative, a neighbor of a neighbor, while we are all by nature one and equal, all in the image of God, all members of Christ, all children of the Heavenly Father. Learned children are especially proud of their ignorant parents, or husbands of their wives, etc. What is most precious in a person? Is it the external gloss of a scientist and a wealth of knowledge that inflates or is it simple-heartedness, love, meekness, kindness? Of course the latter. When those on ships and steamships are in danger of drowning, then what do they do? They throw the cargo out of the ship, and if the back part of it is broken on a stone or ice floe, then they all gather in the front, so that in this way the rear, broken part will rise above the water and [so that] they can be able to seal it with something or plug it up. And you and I, brethren, who else but those who sail on the sea of ​​this life, constantly stormy, agitated and filled, as it were, with underwater rocks or invisible sea monsters, ready every minute to pierce the fragile boat of our body or shake and drown our heart's boat? Meanwhile, this danger of ours occurs most of all because we are too immersed in our hearts in the unity of this world through addiction to the corruptible blessings of life, or we burden our hearts with gluttony and drunkenness and the worries of this life [Lk. 21, 34]. Don’t we often need to throw away the excess burden of our flesh, cut off excess in food and drink, avoid fatty food that burdens the body and soul and intoxicating drink? Don’t we also need composure and concentration of thoughts about God, about the soul, about its image and likeness, about its heavenly purpose, about dominion over sensuality, in order to thus be able to correct the ship of our body, which has been broken in many places, especially immersed in the unity of the world, and rise with it to the height of Christian contemplation? Don't we need to abstain from food and drink and from the worries of life? - Necessary, necessary, necessary. That is why the Holy Church has appointed frequent and long fasts for us: these are auxiliary sails 51 on our way along the sea of ​​life to the mountainous fatherland, these are the wings with which we soar to the sky. Even on the mother, anger encroaches and, with a secret sting planted in the heart, incites hatred due to empty pretexts. How far human malice comes! Is it amazing that she hisses at her brothers, neighbors, and comrades! Envious of Father Matthew, as having accumulated great wealth with a stingy and unyielding disposition, and speaking about his wealth to the laity, I aroused in them envy of my own clergy, and humiliated myself, and harmed them and myself. Do not be afraid when a man becomes rich, or when the (earthly) glory of his house increases: for... he will not take everything with him, his glory will come below him [Ps. 48, 17–18], and the glory of mercy will fall on all who are merciful. We often cry in prayers at home and in church: Lord, have mercy, Lord, forgive, Lord, cleanse, Lord, do not enter into judgment with Your servant - because we are criminal creatures, ungrateful, evil, proud, lazy, prodigal, intemperate, impudent, unfaithful, murmuring, worthy of thousands of punishments and eternal torment, and we constantly beg the Lord not to punish us according to our dignity. This is why it is often said and sung, Lord, have mercy - these words should arouse in us contrition for sins, repentance, humility and encourage speedy correction. Friday before Trinity Day. Early mass of Semenov. I served in great cramped conditions, confusion, fear, I think, because yesterday night I ate black bread and a roll with butter; I ate enough butter and bread, but the real need was small. There was severe tightness in the sides, probably due to constipation or an excess of seeds. After the liturgy I was calm. I came to the gymnasium cheerful and cheerful. During the exam, before Father Pavel arrived, Lamanov felt quite well, although when talking with Father Pavel Trachevsky, he felt a tightness in his heart. With the arrival of Father Pavel Lamanov, my state of mind changed: his behavior seemed proud to me, and my soul was extremely averse to him. I even hated him, but this, as it turned out, was a demonic charm in me; Father Pavel has such a temper - no more, but pride was in my imagination, or I myself was proud, which I showed by not standing up to greet Father Pavel at his entrance. During the entire exam, the spiritual serpent bit me, and at the end of my exam and at the beginning of the exam, the Catholics began to sting with malice with special force; I got up, walked around, internally praying to the Lord for salvation and repenting of my sin, and with the help of prayer I broke the devil’s malice; went up to Father Pavel and, as a sign of peace, took a sniff of tobacco from him, although he did not always use it. The anger passed, the exam result was brilliant, almost all the students received “five”, Father Pavel kept saying “five”, that’s what he had written down, without partiality. And there was so much evil suspiciousness regarding Father Pavel: I think he’ll reject him! After the exam we went to the director for tea. So trust your heart. Regarding sexton Kutuzov, don’t believe your malice either: it comes from the enemy - the enemy slanders everything with a sting. Those who attend the divine services of the Orthodox Church and study the science of worship must remember that service here on earth is a preparation for the most joyful service of God in heaven; that while serving God with the body, one must even more so serve God with the spirit and a pure heart; that, while listening to the divine service, we must learn to serve God as the saints served, about whose lives and deeds we hear during the divine service, about their faith, hope and love; that one should serve God most especially in deed and truth, and not only in word and tongue. By our very being we are called to serve God, and in the structure of our soul and body, so that we serve God with our whole being: for this we have received a straight stance, to look unceasingly to God, for this reason, heart, will, and all feelings are given. I thank the Lord, who has revived me now through the communion of the Divine Mysteries of His Body and Blood during the early Divine Liturgy, and who has destroyed all the slander of the bodiless enemy, and who has brought me to freedom. The voice was weak, nervous, probably from the tea: he drank strong tea, but it was annoying. Father Matthew is a good worker in the clergy. Kill your snake that nests in your heart, that is, passions, or your flesh - the old man. She constantly stings you with her stings: pride, malice, envy, lust for lust, covetousness, lust and greed, or despondency, fear, cowardice, false shame, etc. I sin before God when I just open my lips, for my words often, often do not come from a sincere believer, not a reverent, not a good heart, but from an unclean, slumbering, doubting, evil, envious, contemptuous, sad, prodigal, satiated heart. It is necessary for the priest to bridle the belly precisely because he bears the rank of Angel of the Lord Almighty, standing before His throne and interceding for His verbal sheep, and sacredly performs the Divine, Heavenly, Life-giving and Terrible Mysteries of the Divine Body and Blood of the Lord God, and because, finally, that Belial, through gluttony, receives his power over a greedy man and nests in his womb, causing him various painful dirty tricks, tempting him with the sight of bread, especially when the bread or prosphora is stale or small, and arousing indignation at the prosphora maker. Trinity All-Night Vigil. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer gave me a fiery prayer, tears of tenderness during the all-night vigil, especially during the six psalms; I thank you for giving me the grace to read the prayer to Christ, the True Light, without stumbling, to the end, although before reading it the enemy greatly confused me, worried me, and frightened me with his ghosts. You are the affirmation of those who flow to You, O Lord, and my spirit sings to You 52. What are we without the Holy Spirit? – A cane shaken by the wind: vague, fearful, cowardly, sad, sad. He is our strength, our peace, boldness, courage, hope and joy. Therefore, come and dwell in us, the All-Holy, Life-Giving and All-Completing Soul, and strengthen us in faith, hope and love - deliver our souls from the fear of the enemy, from despondency and confusion, grant us holiness, steadfastness of spirit, courage, strength, peace and joy. (I thank the Lord for the words of humility expressed by the archpriest to my poverty: he asked me to pray for him.) I alone, without a deacon (Deacon Sofronov was and served), was left to serve in the Cathedral on the day of the Holy Trinity; however, I am not alone - the Holy Trinity is with me, this trustworthy Helper. I am a servant of the Holy Trinity, the Trinitarian God will help His servant. I consider it a special happiness that I alone will have to lift the good yoke of God and His light burden; He will help me, although my enemies are ethereal and oppress me. Holy Trinity Day. What a hellish heat it was inside me today during the entire mass and then - from excessive sleep, from eating meat at lunch the day before and drinking coffee before the all-night vigil and wine and tea with the monks after the all-night vigil; At the same time I ate overseas ship crackers! Satan set all this substance on fire with hellish fire and depressed me mercilessly throughout the service; I could not pronounce the names of the royal house. The enemy attacks the name of the Empress and does not allow me to pronounce it at the great entrance without extreme efforts on my part, and then, having confused and wounded me, he confuses me when pronouncing other names. The grief was such that I cried, seeing the enemy’s cruel machinations over me, after which it became easier. The enemy terribly set fire to the sexton Kutuzov with malice. But can a priest have a grudge against anyone? Shouldn't he love his worst enemies, and should he not do good to those who hate and attack and drive out? Malice is the work of the devil, may it be in him and with him, but may it never be in us and with us. "Basily the Great's rules, expounded at length in questions and answers." Answer to the fifth question: “...No one, with the confidence that he is in the presence of the highest, turns to the lower. And even if it happened that what was done was pleasant and pleasing to a famous person, but unpleasant and worthy of censure in the opinion of the inferior, then everyone, recognizing the approval of the superior as worthy of preference, neglects the reproach of the inferior. If this happens among people, then what kind of soul, truly sober and healthy, with confidence in the presence of God, sometimes, abandoning the accomplishment of a task pleasing to God, turns to human opinions, sometimes, neglecting the commandments of God, enslaves itself to human custom, or yields power over itself to general prejudice, or becomes embarrassed before those endowed with a high rank? Such was the disposition of the one who said: The transgressors told me mockery, but not like Your law, O Lord 53 (Ps. 119:85); and also: verbs about the testimonies [Russian: about revelations] before the kings and not being ashamed (Ps. 119:46).” Part 5, page 14. 54 Why do I, a priest and preacher of the word of God, a performer of the Mysteries of God and a communicant of the Divine Body and Blood, spend time in sweets, burden myself with food and drink, pay attention 55 to bread or prosphora? God! Help me to control myself: without You I can do nothing; grant me a sincere, strong, firm desire for abstinence! May 17th, Monday. Whit Monday. Words of Basil the Great about abstinence. The abstainer lightly and barely touches the necessities of life, as if he is performing a difficult service to nature, gets bored with the time spent on this, and immediately runs away from the table to get busy with business! I think that the soul of someone who is not accustomed to abstaining from the womb cannot be so touched by any word and lead to correction as one meeting with an abstainer. And this, it seems, is to eat and drink to the glory of God, so that even at the meal our good deeds will shine to the glorification of our Father in heaven. Right there. For the crazy laughter of the third day while reading about the temptations of the Athonite monk, a stranger from Russia, Paisius (Gabriel), I myself paid with a cruel temptation from Belial, barely bearable: he stung me worse than any fleas and bedbugs throughout mass. Serves me right for my voluptuousness and intemperance! May 17. Whit Monday. Morning. Don't laugh at other people's misfortunes. Don’t scratch yourself, the elder told Paisius, when fleas and bedbugs bite you. Don’t cower, don’t cower when the demons sting, but be patient and remain calm, firm, motionless, like an anvil. God! I thank You with all my soul for the greatest gift of Your love and power, for the renewal of my being through the service of the Liturgy on Spiritual Day, although difficult and regrettable due to the difficult struggle with the temptations of the enemy, and through the communion of the Divine, Life-giving Mysteries of Your Most Pure Body and Blood. Oh, how priceless for me is the reconciliation of the old man with his deeds: with malice, pride, envy, gluttony and voluptuousness, covetousness, stinginess, despondency and other passions! My fellow citizens, take off from me, O Lord, the old man, no matter how much he resists and persists; may Your grace triumph over my passions, may He drive out these Canaanites from Your city 56 . I sinned, Lord, against the archpriest’s father by saying a bold word at the altar that he could have donated three rubles to the benefit of the brethren, and not crossed them out of the income book. Envy. No one can do or give me what my mother gave me, just as no one can do or give me what the Lord God gave me. Therefore, I must love the Lord God with all my heart and with all my soul and with all my strength and with all my thoughts, and I must love and honor my mother or father more than anything in the world. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the bite of the spiritual serpent through my prayer, when I was walking through the park and came to Leopardov. Great is the mercy of the Lord and His power. I begged the Lord for a long time; The serpent nested for a long time. I thank the Lord, who through my prayer delivered one poor peasant from drunkenness. He met me and said that the Lord had mercy on him. May the Lord continue to hear. They also brought one sick baby and asked him to pray; I prayed and the baby became happier. He told me to come again if he didn’t get better, but his mother didn’t come: I think I’ve gotten better. Thanks be to the most merciful and benevolent Lord, the physician of our souls and bodies! May 17. At the special litany at the end of Matins today, May 18, I stumbled and did not pronounce the last two petitions for the brethren of the church and for those who bear fruit and do good in the holy church, waiting from You... because of my dislike for the brethren of the church, especially the eldest, and because of the machinations of the adversary. I sinned before God. At the prayer service before the Iveron Icon, the enemy also embarrassed, oppressed, annoyed his brother Father Matthew with enmity - all for the sake of his love of money, pride and unsociability. The enemy almost devoured me. And from here it follows that we must stand as firmly as possible in love for our neighbor and love not only those who love, but also our enemies. How to live with brethren who are distinguished by their love of money, pride, unsociability and hardness of heart because of the wealth they have accumulated? – We must live with them in peace, not be at enmity with them, not envy them, for this is foolish, but with love pray for them to God, as for ourselves, as for our members, and especially for Christ’s, although weak, respecting the image of God in them, although with the wounds of sins, although smoldering in seductive lusts, respecting in them co-redeemers, brothers, co-servants, partners in the Sacraments and in the Chalice of Christ the Lord. The bodiless enemy and murderer usually sets us on fire with malice, envy and contempt for those of the brethren and the thirst for their misfortunes, sorrows, even death, so that they do not live in the world - but this obviously increases the evil, and does not reduce or correct it, and new ulcers are added to the ulcers, the fire of hell intensifies, and does not decrease; the envious person himself proves his love of money, and the envious person himself does not know what he envies, because he envies the death of his brother and himself, as it were, wants to perish with him, according to the Scripture: let your silver perish with you [Acts. 8, 20]. No, we must fervently, with love, pray for those of the brethren, so that they do not destroy their souls, who are natural to us, forever and are not forever separated from God, and just as we are especially compassionate towards those suffering from a serious illness, so we must be just as compassionate towards those possessed by the serious illness of love of money, for their soul is, as it were, in a feverish delirium or in the fire of Gehenna; Yes, we must also look at ourselves more carefully: whether we also have this passion or several, strong passions, and first of all heal ourselves, first taking the beam out of our eye [Matt. 7, 4 – 5]. We are ready to strike our neighbors for all kinds of sins, and if we were given the freedom to control their participation, we would wipe out many from their places and from the earth, just to take their place ourselves or to put our like-minded people in their place. Myopic and blind, we see only the bad in our neighbors, but do not see the good, or we close our eyes so as not to see their good sides - we excuse all the bad to ourselves, and expose the good to view. How deceitful, perverse, and evil we are! We must be content with little and not desire much, but trust in God, who gives everything. By sincerely desiring the good of our neighbor, we first of all do good to ourselves, for the essential good of our neighbor is our good, since we are members of one body, and if one member rejoices, everyone rejoices with it, and God rewards everyone who wishes his neighbor, no matter who he is, as much good as he does for himself, even if the neighbor did not wish for others and did not do good. With sincere love for our unkind neighbors and prayer for them, we can make them kind, from ill-wishers - well-wishers, from the money-loving and stingy - generous, from the proud - humble, from the cruel - meek, from the crafty - simple. It often happens that the richer and more sufficient a person is, the more he envies his comrade or neighbor, who is richer than him or equally rich, and does not love him for his wealth and at the same time for his pride. Will he not think about whether he himself is worthy of those gifts of God that he has by the sole grace of God? And does he constantly seek heavenly, eternal treasures, despising temporary ones, which are perishable and fleeting? Has he enriched himself with faith, hope and love? Have you loved God above all else and your neighbor as yourself? The deceased cannot help themselves and expect help from us. We must remember the names of our neighbors, living or deceased, in prayer as if they were our own, with love and sincerity. Take the misfortunes of your neighbors to heart as your own, and joys too. Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep [Rom. 12, 15]. We become unkind and cold towards our neighbors because of pride, voluptuousness, selfishness, and pride. Cut off these passions and love your neighbor as yourself. Behold, yesterday's sweets are at war within me! (At Leopard’s house.) May 18, Tuesday after Pentecost I thank the Lord, who revived me through the communion of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries, who took away the kindling, confusion and oppression of the enemy and sent the dew of His grace into my heart with the desired peace and space of the heart. The adversary strongly scorched me with anger: now he mentally throws me at this one, then at the other, then this one, then that one is to blame, then the sexton, then the watchman Nikolai, then the deacon - like a madman, the adversary rushes at everyone, and at me first of all. - What a head, what a creature! This kind of restless anger: impetuous, destructive! I was visiting the Goremykins. A story about the morals of the capital, or the capital's rich aristocrats, about the Buff Theater near the [Alexandrian] Theater, the shamelessness of actresses; about the morals of Parisians; about the millionaire Taneyev: velvet spread out three miles for his favorite, torches; about the demoralization of daddy's boy boys, about their disrespect and disobedience to their parents, red tape. Grand Duke Alexei Alexandrovich was in the theater, where the public, on the orders of his superiors, showed him all servility: what he did, the public did: he took off his cap, and the public took it off; he put it on, and she did the same. How should we, priests, behave in church, in the presence of the King of kings, the Lord God, even if the king himself was standing here?.. With what reverence, trembling! How steadily we must mature towards God!.. All the dirty tricks and dirty tricks of Satan in me in the church: regarding the deacon, sexton, watchman, that he is supposedly unclean (a pretext for malice); stumbling in prayer. The greatest miracle of God’s goodness is that I still live in the world and have not died in my sins, a miracle of God’s long-suffering. I thank and glorify my Lord, for He did not punish me according to my iniquities, but repaid me according to my sins [Ps. 102, 10]. If, at the sight of any intentional or unintentional disorder or mistake of your neighbor, your enemy confuses you and arouses enmity against him in your heart, inciting you to reprimand him in a spirit of enmity, leave your reprimand until you are completely calm, when your soul is cleared and inspired by meekness and love for the sinner. If a person falls into any sin, you who are spiritual, correct him in the spirit of meekness, watching each one of you so as not to be tempted [Gal. 6, 1]. Yesterday I ate veal meat with black bread in the evening, and today it turned out to be not unnecessary and harmless. After Matins. The voice was good, sonorous and in general, by the grace of God, I felt good. By the grace of God I defeated invisible fighting enemies. Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord! May 19, 1871. About the pagan direction of modern Christian society in literature, in schools, in hostels (theaters, arts), in food, drink, clothing, furniture, in fornication houses, in monuments (Pushkin, Bellingshausen 57, etc.). I thank You, Lord, my joy, for You have filled me today with Your grace through the communion of my many sins, peace, freedom, space, joy to my heart. May 19th, Wednesday of Pentecost, that is, after Pentecost. I sinned before God at dinner (at two o'clock in the afternoon): I was stingy with my brother Alexei, sparing the fresh fish - whitefish with sauce, allegedly taking a lot at a time, while much less than I took. Oh, the most crafty habit of sin! Oh, the damned sting of Satan! But may I henceforth be indifferent to all earthly delights by the grace of God, may I not fall away from the grace of God and love for my neighbor, who is the image of God. May 19. (At lunch I ate a lot of cold fish and boiled whitefish with sausage; I ate greedily: I sinned before God and before myself - I recently received Holy Communion.) Forgive me, Lord, that I have offended You, sinned before You! He approached the Lord when pronouncing the names of the royal house at the great entrance during the liturgy - and without stumbling he pronounced all the names. Thank you, Lord! Reason demands that we take food without greed, because greed, as a passion, without considering the need and purpose of eating and drinking, their quality and quantity, and the consequences of eating and drinking, almost always leads to harmful excesses that burden the body and soul. Reason should be a light and advisor in all our affairs and in the very use of food. (At lunch I greedily ate a lot of rich Arkhangelsk shanezhek.) How harmful it is to eat greedily and excessively against the demands of the body! Your sides are bursting with food and won’t let you sleep peacefully in the morning! Be indifferent to food and drink and always use them in moderation. Be greedy for God's deeds - this is what, that is, for constant prayer, reading the word of God and the Scriptures of the holy God-bearing fathers, for the Divine Food of the undying, for love of God and neighbor, for humility, kindness, long-suffering, for almsgiving, purity and chastity and other virtues. Gluttony and gluttony greatly suppress the soul and heart: today, before being sworn in at the District Court, I drank tea at home with raw cream (three glasses) and breadcrumbs, while already at night I felt some heaviness from yesterday's excess - and in the presence of the District Court, assessors, witnesses and people, I was embarrassed and hesitated when reading the beginning of the oath; my faith weakened, the strength in my heart also left me, and I was partly ashamed, but then I recovered, and I read the second oath firmly. And after lunch at two and a half o’clock, when I swore in the jurors again at three o’clock, I again became extremely embarrassed and hesitated and hurried, again my faith weakened, my strength left my heart, the fear of the enemy attacked, my face was covered with shame - and all because of food, fat food. Gluttony and satiety are the death of the heart and, therefore, the death of faith, hope and love for God and neighbor. From experience. Gluttony and satiety and drunkenness are the fortress of the ethereal enemy against us and in us, a trap against us, a two-edged sword against us. From experience. It’s terrible how the strength of the soul breaks down from gluttony and excess in food and drink, and how the soul becomes weak in the fight against opposing forces! Belial often deposes in public prayer the soul that extensively nourishes his body, and drags it away as a captive! Oh, I'm greedy! Am I still working in my womb, I, a communicant of such frequent Divine Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord? The Lord would not have rejected me, like Esau, if I continue to consider gluttony and satiety unimportant! Are there not enough reprimands 58, punishments, defeats, plagues, shame! Today I celebrated a wedding [P...], and at first I started well, evenly, loudly, and then during the engagement I deceived myself when I turned my face to the bride and groom, due to the action of the enemy and the impurity of my heart, and therefore I partly lost my boldness before the Lord! Where is the unshakable, holy integrity?.. While reading the Gospel, I stumbled a few times; during the blessing from the Holy Trinity, he did not say everything: the enemy tormented him with cunning and did not allow him to look the bride and groom straight in the face; Let go got lost, saying: God, forgive my sins! For those prayers that I performed without stumbling, I thank you with all my heart. May 21. During divine services and the performance of the Sacraments or the Sacraments, it is necessary to look at the people directly, openly, unflinchingly, without casting one’s eyes down to the ground, as befits a servant of God and a servant of Christ. The truth of God is direct and open. We often cry out: Lord, have mercy, but how often without strength, without meaning and feeling, much less without repentance and contrition for sins, without any thought of correction! You will involuntarily remember the words of the Lord about us: Why do you call Me: Lord! God! - and do not do what I say? [ OK. 6, 46]. So, if we are servants of God, and God is the Lord, then we must constantly work for Him, doing His will - when we sin, sincerely repent and correct ourselves: if I am greedy, a glutton, an overeater, a drunkard, then I must immediately correct myself and become abstinent, for this is required by the indispensable will of God; if I am irritable, proud, envious, I must henceforth refrain from outbursts of anger, pride and envy and become meek, patient, humble, benevolent, etc. This is the spirit in which we must speak and sing: Lord, have mercy! It is a miracle of God’s goodness and long-suffering that until now the Lord has vouchsafed me the communion of His holy, heavenly, life-giving and terrible Mysteries - me, an unrepentant and incorrigibly living sinner, who has been endlessly intending to correct himself and has not yet corrected himself. God! Make me worthy to love You as much as that debtor to whom You remitted a lot of debts loved You compared to another debtor to whom You repaid little [Lk. 7, 41–43]. Grant me to remember Your long-suffering towards me, a sinner, and to be long-suffering towards my neighbors. God! turn away Your anger from us, take away the cold and darkness and lack of water in nature and give the warmth of the sun, command the earth to grow grains and fruits: behold, at the end of May, without Your command nothing can grow; You closed and put to death the womb of the earth for the sake of our sins and especially for the sake of my sins - for, truly, I have surpassed everyone in sins. I thank my Lord, my Savior for the cleansing of sins and for the renewal of my nature, soul and body, through the communion of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries. I thank you for the successful celebration of the Divine Liturgy, with tenderness and tears, for the heavenly peace, for the boldness and joy I received upon communion. And I was thinking: my sins are great - my gluttony, my constant satiety, my malice and other sins, and I have exhausted the measure of God’s long-suffering. But no, and yet my Lord, through my faith, has mercy on me, protects me, and does not give me up to a stranger. I poured myself out in thanksgiving and praise to God after mass: I felt joyful. Do not spare any of your family or guests sweets: everyone has their own measure. Pity is the work of the enemy, aimed at depriving love and inciting enmity against our neighbor who eats with us. Avoid greed and envy, be greedy for peace and mutual love, for this is the life of soul and body. Do not be an idolater, despise sweets. No one else, but I was the culprit of yesterday’s quarrel and fever on the occasion of Anna Andreevna’s reproach made to me regarding the beggars. This reproach was caused by my greed, which I had in my heart regarding my brother Alexei and which was partly expressed from the outside. The spark turned into a fire, naturally. It served me right to listen to harsh words from Anna Andreevna (the poor seamstress, the old maid). I should have been more silent and not been upset, not defended myself ardently, if I was right, that is, if I didn’t beg the poor and give money on the street for the wrong reasons, so that I would be seen - God sees the heart. But I must take into account that greed, greed and stinginess alone can destroy me, despite good deeds - prayer, alms. I am like Judas, who, out of greed, spared the precious world for the Lord, for I sometimes feel sorry for a sweet piece of food for my brother, who always lives with me: he eats and drinks a lot, and I want to grab all the sweet stuff for myself. Until now, as if I am not a Christian or a priest, I think and philosophize like a child, and, although I have already been a husband for a long time, I do not live like a man and do not reject childish things. In a dream, I was strongly tempted by greed: at my father, Deacon Sofronov’s, I ate something pleasant from a plant, given to him by the clergy for everything and which he consumed not whole, but in solution and in parts. I even envied (in a dream) the share that he left for himself, allegedly taking it away from the clergy, and most importantly from me. God, be merciful to me, a sinner: both in dreams and in reality I am a slave to my main passion. Correct me before I perish yet - give me the grace of fasting. It’s surprising that there were no beggars at the gate yesterday. This is deprivation for me - deprivation of the royal gift, the mercy of God. It is impossible to live without alms: it must be my constant companion, just as the mercy of God constantly accompanies me. Vigil for the week of All Saints. I thank the Lord for the gift of sincere prayer, tenderness with tears, contemplation of God’s countless blessings shown to me in my creation, in redemption, in upbringing, in long-suffering, in purification, sanctification, in constant mercy. I said the entire prayer to Christ, the True Light, without stumbling, by the grace of Christ - the enemy did not miss it. The Lord dissolves with our nature in the Sacrament of Communion; alas, Belial also dissolves with our nature when we consciously sin, knowing the will of our Lord and not doing it, when, for example, we indulge in overeating, drunkenness, rioting, wickedness, anger, pride, envy, despondency, murmuring, fornication, covetousness and stinginess, hard-heartedness, laziness in prayer and in general in our deeds ranks. Sunday of All Saints. I thank the Lord, who again consoled me with the Divine Liturgy through the communion of His Divine Brush and Divine Drink: I tasted sweet peace and joy and felt within myself a space of heart and boldness. Father Matthew oppresses poor parishioners by extorting money. Does he have little money? Thousands lie motionless. And the priest and archpriest are not ashamed, do not blush, are not embarrassed to take covetousness! Outrageous! The Lord will take revenge soon. On May 23, a note of complaint against Father Matthew to Father Archpriest from the inspector. Whatever unpleasant, or disgusting, or sinful thing one of your household, or your guests, or one of your subordinates does, never be indignant in spirit, do not be irritated and do not be upset at those who have sinned, much less do not become embittered, but remain calm, loving, meek and kind, for with meekness and gentleness we can best correct the matter or bring to reason those who sin and We ourselves will preserve the integrity of our soul and body, but through confusion and irritability we will most likely harm the cause, ourselves and our neighbors. Every slightest attachment of the soul to anything earthly is the death of the soul, falling away from God, darkening of the mind or the rational eyes of the heart, slavery to the devil, deprivation of freedom, death of love for God and neighbor. This is enough for all earthly sweets, beautiful clothes, beautiful faces, earthly wealth and earthly glory to be considered as litter and not to cling to anything; to cleave to the one God and to His holy commandments, by doing which a person will live in them forever. Why may the commandments of God and the words of the Lord be more valuable to me than gold and topaz, more than honey and honeycomb [Ps. 118, 127; 18, 11]. My brother needs as much today as he did yesterday and the day before, no more; therefore, it is a trifle, a dream of the imagination, an opinion about his exorbitant voluptuousness. How do we all sin most before God? - Neglect of His commandments. They despised this and went, some to their field, and some to their trade [Matt. 22, 5]... Or about... His goodness and meekness and long-suffering of neglect? [Rom. 2, 4]. The first warm summer day with thunder. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the unspeakable mercies shown to me this day. The Lord, through my prayer, destroyed in me the great intrigues of Belial, who confused me and my wife with enmity because of the servant Anna, who insulted my mother. The Lord destroyed in me the great despondency, crampedness and fear that my ethereal enemy brought to my soul this morning, when I had to go to the District Court to read the oath to the jurors in front of a large audience. The Lord dispelled his machinations like smoke, after prolonged and intense inner prayer, and gave me the courage to read the oath loudly, separately, without stumbling, and reconciled my wife with me and me with her. Glory to You, O Lord, who works marvelously in our souls. Great are the sorrows, temptations, and misfortunes, but Your salvation and Your consolation are especially great. Nothing should be considered small in moral terms, because every apparent smallness can and does become the cause of great moral deeds - falls, corrections, or moral phenomena in general. Therefore, do not consider unimportant not a single thought, not a single feeling, word or deed, not the slightest movement in the heart, any passion or holy feeling; eradicate passion as soon as it arises in the heart, for example, lust, fornication, pride, contempt, envy, murmuring, blasphemy, etc., and warm up and strengthen holy feelings. When you hear prayer in church or at home, or you yourself pray for the king and his house, or for the shepherds, or for the army and for the civil authorities and the whole chamber and for others, know that they all bear on themselves either the image of the King and Archpastor of Heaven, or His dominion, or His warlike power, or in general all are members of Him, like you yourself, and we are all His Body: we are members of His body, from His flesh and from His bones [Eph. 5:30], - and be filled with sincere love for everyone, and pray sincerely for everyone as you pray in trouble and sorrow or in joy for yourself. This is the pleasing nature and power of our public prayer; do not stand indifferently when a priest or deacon proclaims a litany or short prayers for everyone, for the entire fulfillment (for all the fullness) of the Church. Deacon Nikitin says that he and the cathedral sextons are complaining (he lied) that I disturb them and upset their singing in the choir, although this is sheer slander. I will tell them: let us sing at home, so as not to disturb each other, but let me also sing praises to the Lord. If I sing incorrectly, then you can teach me. This is how I will treat them like someone who knows nothing. May 26. Wednesday. What is more absurd than my self? - Nothing. Who is more hostile to me than my self? - I am. Let me deny myself. May I renounce intemperance, delicacy, malice, rancor, envy, greed, covetousness, laziness, murmuring, despondency, laughter, blasphemy, waywardness, disobedience and all other passions; Yes, I philosophize about things above, despising things below that alienate me from the love of God; May I remain in the simplicity of God’s heart and His simplicity with the simplicity of my heart. I ate a modest meal on the Friday of Peter’s Lent, and now Belial presses me especially hard with the greed of my belly and hatred of my brother, who eats at my meal because of his supposed gluttony. Where do I get this from? Why don’t I punish myself for gluttony and overeating? Why don’t I fast myself?.. O womb, womb! How much cramping and troubles I have because of you! Oh, how sweets suppress my spirit, how Belial oppresses me internally because of them! I am testing in practice the words of the Savior of men: cares, wealth and the pleasures of life are suppressed and do not bear fruit [Lk. 8, 14]. And so that people, renewed by Holy Baptism, sanctified by Confirmation, healed by Repentance, adored by Communion, are not suppressed by the pleasures of life, for this purpose the Lord by His example pointed out to us the need for fasting, and the Holy Church established frequent fasting as an aid to the crucifixion of the flesh with passions and lusts, as a means of removing the sting of passions from the soul, as an antidote to the poison of the enemy, vomited from him continually in us. How peaceful I felt after evening prayer, before which I was not myself, confused, oppressed and darkened! How easy is the yoke of the Lord and how light is His burden! My soul! How good it is to cleave to God [Ps. 72, 28 ]! Why do you cleave to the things of this world that are perishing? Why do you servile the belly, which God will abolish (1 Cor. 6:13)? How good the Lord is! How generous and merciful... long-tempered and merciful! He is not completely angry, but he is at enmity forever: he does not commit to us according to our iniquities, and he does not reward us according to our sins [Ps. 102, 8 – 10 ]! Love spares nothing for the brother, neither from food and drink, nor from clothing, but willingly satisfies him according to his need or his habit, knowing that everything in nature is for man, and not man for nature. He put everything under His feet (1 Cor. 15:27). But self-love, voluptuousness and covetousness, because of empty things and simply because of the devil’s dreams, 59 enmity against one’s neighbor: because of an extra piece of sugar, and sweets in general, because of rags called clothes, because of a word, an unfavorable look. Mortify your passions, your self, and then you will become capable of loving God and your neighbor. Unless someone renounces all his possessions, he cannot be My disciple [Lk. 14:33], says the Lord, meaning by property both external property and internal property - sins and passions. The Lord consoled me yesterday with a kind comment about my service from one respectable lady, the widow of a general (on the ship). Let the glory and thanks be to the grace of God, not to me. Cleanse my sins, Lord, so that I may please You. Be lenient with your inferiors and subordinates when they make mistakes, if you see in them the consciousness of your guilt and the beginning of correction, remembering that we often sin out of passion, without thinking about the consequences. Do not break down in front of your subordinates when you see that they are aware of their guilt and are seeking reconciliation and forgiveness, and the Lord will be merciful to you. Do not spare anything for parasites and guests, be kind to everyone from the heart - and you will see how the all-generous Lord will reward your shortcomings and losses. Be kind, meek and humble in heart. The more lavishly you eat, the more idle you live, the more passions will rage later, when you get down to business. Damn man I am! Remember the good deeds of your relatives that they showed you at the beginning of your family and social life or before marriage, and repay them with joy now, do not feel sorry for them when they eat and drink with you, do not drive them out of your home, but treat them with joy, giving them food, drink and shelter. All your goodness is God’s, received freely from Him. Despise the wisdom of the flesh, or the law in your members, which wars against the law of the mind... and makes you captive to the law of sin [Rom. 7:23], and meditate about God and about life according to God, according to His commandments; reject malice and keep love, reject intemperance and maintain fasting, reject covetousness and adhere to alms. The earthly paths are becoming smooth and fast everywhere, but the heavenly path is becoming rougher and slower, more difficult. Why is this?.. How would any of us take advantage of the declared freedom to speak with the king freely and boldly? - With pleasure and haste and, of course, with reflection. How do we use this freedom to speak with the King of Heaven? - Reluctantly, lazily, without thinking, without thinking about who we are approaching and why. Oh, ignorance and ingratitude, laziness and sluggishness of heart! O foolish ones and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken! [ OK. 24. 25]. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate the Liturgy with sexton Kutuzov in the Cathedral instead of Father Archpriest Paul, peacefully, without stumbling, with strength; I thank you for the heavenly peace upon communion of the Holy Mysteries. Oh, how sweet, joyful, peaceful, easy, light and warm I felt with the Lord! How peaceful I came home and left for St. Petersburg! (This was May 26, Wednesday.) I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness and the prayer of peace in the Church of St. Andrew during the all-night Sunday vigil on May 30. I was preparing for the service of early mass. The devil usually tempts us with the persons and things around us: family, neighbors, friends, food, drink, sweets, money, clothes or outfits, furniture, various things, and therefore we must humble ourselves, not have the slightest partiality for anyone or anything - then he will not be able to harm us. I thank the Lord, who broke the stubbornness of the ethereal enemy in me and tore apart his bonds and gave me peace and silence of heart at the exam of 4th grade students after the strong agony of passion at home; The students answered well. Resurrection. Early mass. For gluttony, God handed me over today to Satan to torment me and keep me in hellish shackles: my voice is hoarse, there is tightness inside, a hellish sting, nets entangling me all around; The enemy placed extremely strong and fierce obstacles to service, to pronouncing words calmly, clearly, distinctly. I was definitely on pins and needles or on coals. Oh, how terribly the disembodied enemy controls us through gluttony! This is what God allowed me to experience for not observing the fast of the apostles Peter and Paul. And I served in the chapel of these supreme apostles. Why did I break my fast supposedly for health reasons? Why did I eat milk and eggs, meat soup?.. Why am I breaking the commandment of the Church? If I am not a warrior of Christ, then there is no need to fast, and if I am a warrior, which is true, then I must inevitably fast, for Christ Himself, entering into the fight for us with the enemy, fasted for forty days, showing us in fasting a weapon against the devil. He said: this same generation (the devil) is driven out only by prayer and fasting [Matt. 17, 21]. That's why we have frequent posts. Warriors must always stand under arms. Lutherans and the English reject fasting unreasonably and boldly, contrary to the Gospel: they are not evangelicals, but apostates. Was it not through intemperance that the fall of Eve and Adam took place?.. Was it not through lust? And now the disembodied enemy, through intemperance and gluttony, traps us in his nets, in all passions. Here it is, here it nests in us through our delicacy: we feel it in ourselves and cannot drive it out, for through our lusts we ourselves have given it refuge! God! let me pray from the bottom of my heart for the readers Vasily of Kamenograd and Adrian like this: Lord! let them go, for they do not know what they are doing, but correct them and submit them to Thy priesthood, so that they will not be insolent, disobedient, impudent, vain 60! I sinned: I drank two glasses of vodka and ate enough pie - and fornication began to overcome me. There is no need to drink vodka and enjoy fish pie during Lent. We need to look at the consequences of things. Science is charged 61 on the mind of God, on the Holy Scriptures and Holy Tradition, denying the revealed truths and rules of life by which the holy men of God were saved and glorified; thus she denies the holy narrative of the creation of the world in six days; So she denies fasting, rejects miracles, rejects monasticism, calling it an abnormal phenomenon of life, tries to undermine the dignity of what the Church has believed in throughout all centuries, for example, that Nestorius, Eutyches, Pelagius were heretics, that, for example, Demetrius Tsarevich was actually killed and his relics rest in a certain place, and not in another... It has been tested that as soon as I begin to give little alms, then the lamp of my heart begins to fade: darkness, oppression, sorrow, powerlessness will begin to reign in my soul. As soon as I begin to give more alms, my lamp will again burn with a bright flame [Matt. 5, 1 – 12]. The word of the Gospel is true. I drank tea at 8 o'clock in the morning with a French roll on May 31st, and it turned out to be unnecessary in the morning - at this time there is no need to drink or eat, as I thought before. I thank the Lord for the miracle of victory over sin and the devil after a disagreement with my wife regarding not using cream and sugar with tea in the morning. The enemy fanned the flames of hatred towards his wife for her disobedience, scorched, oppressed, brought despondency, dishonor, darkness, cramped conditions - but with incessant inner prayer, while walking, he asked God for the grace of forgiveness, reconciliation, peace, freedom, love. Glory to the Lord! May my wife, O Lord, be submissive to You and me, and I to You. When it seems to you that your brother eats a lot at the table, do not believe it, but know and remember that you eat and drink a lot, and be moderate yourself, and most importantly, not greedy: greed is the source of hatred towards your brother-companion. You spare sugar at home as a side dish at evening tea, but this is the whole dinner of some of them, and therefore it is absurd and stupid to spare sugar: let them eat for pleasure and for the glory of God - may peace and love be preserved. For a long time, pride, greed and stinginess have been eating away at me and putting me to shame. And I pushed the Leopardovs away from me through these passions. Hurry to improve, you former poor man, but now provided with everything from the Lord through the mediation of the Nesvitskys; love them as relatives with all your soul, respect them, caress them, serve them with zeal, be patient with them, be meek and kind to them and everyone. It is precisely because of the addiction to property (as if I have something of my own), to selfhood, that I am like an animal at home - angry, embittered, hot, swearing, and because of gluttony. O womb! How brazenly you control me! Oh, Belial! Completely regret anything earthly! Yes, I love the heavenly, the eternal! Yes, I am zealous for one grace, as the end of all desires and the extreme and greatest good. The glutton and the greedy sin extremely gravely in that he puts man, created in the image and likeness of God, on the same level as dust, with the earth trampled underfoot, he extremely humiliates the deified, and at the same time he humiliates himself most of all, relegating himself to the ranks of dumb animals or to the ranks of evil spirits themselves, envious of man in everything. Cursed be greed and envy with malice! Let all earthly blessings be reduced to dust, as they are. May the image of God in man be revered and may mutual love be preserved by all means, for in it is the whole law; let love spare nothing for the beloved, and let none of us be like Judas, who, out of greed for money, spared the precious ointment of the priceless Lord, let us not spare anything for our loved ones from food, or money, or clothing. Pokoliku (Church Glav.) – here in the meaning “as far as”. Prayer to our Lord Jesus Christ “And grant to us, Master...” from Great Compline. Insolence (Church Glav.) – insolence, arrogance, arrogance. Porevati (Church Glav.) – push, shove. Sail (Church Slavic) – sail. Irmos of the 3rd song of the Sunday canon at Matins, tone 8. Translation by P. Yungerov: “The lawbreakers told me (their) reasoning, but this is not Your law, Lord.” Saint Basil the Great. The rules are set out at length in the questions and answers. Question five: “About collecting thoughts.” I pay attention (Church Glav.) - here in the meaning of “I take care.” Canaanites - descendants of Canaan, the son of Ham, inhabitants of Phenicia; a strong, developed people, but morally corrupt, who were characterized by pagan morals - idolatry, superstition and all sorts of vices and iniquities. Their corruption was a constant temptation to the people of Israel. The name Canaanites became a common noun, denoting sin and temptation living in the mind and heart of man. Bellingshausen Thaddeus Faddevich (1779 - 1852) - Russian navigator, discoverer of Antarctica. Prohibition (Church Slavic) – prohibition, threat. Dreaming (Church Glav.) – an empty ghost, seduction. Vain (Church Glav.) – acting uncontrollably, arrogant. Charged (church glory) - resists, rebels. You might be interested in: