Апрель

Thursday of Holy Week. I came to the end of matins: I overslept. I got up quite easily, but I felt some discomfort in my body because I ate black caviar with rye bread at night, and I ate quite a bit. At night, avoid eating anything burdensome. Yesterday, March 31st in the morning, at about seven and a half, I drank sweet tea and cake, which is why my heart became weak for prayer: while serving the prayer service, I stumbled due to the slander of the enemy. We must constantly rekindle grace in ourselves and observe abstinence without fail. Yesterday and the third day, as well as today, I had diarrhea, and on this occasion I did not serve Vespers and refused to serve the All-Night Vigil. Disappointment on the part of the father of Archpriest and sexton Kutuzov. To improve my stomach, I drank a glass of cognac: the sexton conveyed this to the archpriest, and he sent me a reprimand through my servant so that I should drink less cognac, as if I were a drunkard. May God forgive him for his slander. When I was very upset by this, God consoled me with the sincere participation of my good friends the Goremykins. Mother Varvara Nikolaevna Goremykina sent her son, artillery lieutenant colonel Ivan Dmitrievich, with a bottle of Cahors brewed with cinnamon and cloves, expressing deep condolences about my weakness. Reward them, O Lord, who repays all according to their deeds; in nyuzha 28 they measure, let it be measured to them. Who will believe the feelings of our brothers - the archpriests? Everything for them is based on one interest, money, and for money they are ready to sell their brother a hundred times over: they don’t value you at all. God judge them. Sometimes they don’t consider us a penny because we don’t consider them a penny, we don’t respect those who don’t respect us. For the most part, this happens between brethren in ministry and, alas, between spiritual brethren, and between spiritual brethren the greatest enmity occurs because of money. Money, money troubles those who should constantly endure grief and live in mutual love, in humility and kindness, in patience and long-suffering. Sincere complicity in my physical and mental grief. May the Goremykins teach me to sincerely sympathize with people in their sorrows. I should have said to the archpriest: scold me, following the example of the humble, meek and gentle David; and I said: please don’t scold me. Am I not worthy of being scolded?.. It is better not to convey reproachful words sent to us from someone, but to remain silent about them or convey, albeit falsely, words of love and goodwill: then our spirit will remain calm. But conveying words of enmity and envy is very harmful: they often produce a mental storm in the impatient and proud people to whom these words apply, they arouse extinguished enmity and produce discord. We must have Christian patience. Why does it happen that one evil word, a word of slander, makes the most unpleasant impression on us, shaking us to the core, while, on the contrary, sometimes thousands of good words, for example about God and His deeds in the world, do not reach the heart at all and disappear in the air? The devil comes and takes away the word [Lk. 8, 12], sown in the hearts of people, and he, on the other hand, sows and grows in our hearts the seeds of malice and does not miss the slightest opportunity to plant in us enmity and envy of our neighbors; One glance from our neighbor at us, often innocent, is enough to sow in us a feeling of enmity against him. So, let us not take to heart any evil caused to us by our neighbors, intentionally or unintentionally, knowing the culprit and the fact that the whole world has been in evil since its beginning, but let us be complacent in the face of every insult inflicted, praying for those who insult us as benefactors, for even in their very insult we often hear words of goodwill, although not coming from a good heart. May the Lord admonish them and not put this sin on them. And we will be more careful. Let us not give place to the devil. Why can’t I reprimand the guilty, for example a sexton or someone else, in a calm, coherent, clear, smooth spirit, but in an agitated, passionate way, incoherently? - Because I am proud, unloving, angry, proud, I do not consider myself worthy of any blame, but worthy of praise; because he did not recognize his own great infirmities and the infirmities of his neighbor, did not recognize the ferocity of sin in people and the many different infirmities of the soul and body. Love... does not get irritated, does not think evil... covers everything... never fails (1 Cor. 13: 4 - 8). (I sinned: I was very irritated with my wife during my illness for her insistent, out of love, offers of various remedies, wiping the stomach and giving drops.) In this century we sin constantly, and yet we are so proud that we do not want to endure any reproof, especially before others, but in the next century our sins will be exposed before the whole world. Remembering this terrible judgment seat, may we endure the reproofs here in humility and kindness, and may we be corrected from all our shortcomings and sins, especially may we endure the reproofs from our superiors, and may the Lord admonish them not to reprove them out of malice alone, but with love and a spirit of meekness. By acting in such an unjust, violent manner, you will little by little lose all the goodwill of your parishioners and your brethren and all power over them; you will command only walls, books and vestments. All my attention every minute must be absorbed by the goodness and love of God; I should have no time to pay attention to human malice: it is an insignificant shadow in the light of the Sun. May God forgive all the evil and correct them. The adversary flatters 29 and fights me both in dreams and in reality with his dreams, his sweets, his malice, his deceits. Save, O Lord, from his wiles both me and all Your people. Fomino resurrection. Early mass (instead of late). Complete nakedness from the grace of God due to prolonged diarrhea and the expiration of semen at night, moral impotence, inability to speak: at the proskomedia - a prayer of offer, dismissal; before mass - the blessing of the deacon, a secret prayer before the Gospel when it is presented to the deacon; at the great entrance - the empress, heir, etc.; rain to us with one mouth and one heart; And vouchsafe us, Master; prayer behind the pulpit. After communion, I felt fire in my womb. I have not served since the first day of Easter - woe is it for me to remain for a long time without the communion of the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord. The enemy strips me of the robe of strength and incorruption and clothes me in the robe of passions and infirmities. 10 o'clock in the morning. Later Father Matthew served in my place. Before the bad weather (it rained heavily yesterday). Thanks be to the Lord, who has hitherto kept me from great troubles and insults to the brethren, and through this from strong emotional shocks, to which, due to my weakness of spirit and body, I am especially prone. I thank You, the Most Merciful Father, who in the most shocks tamed my worries and led me into the quiet haven of His grace or His gracious peace. Amen. Grant me freedom from rebellious passions and peace with my neighbors, Lord! For Thy spiritual armor against the devil and his angels, clothe me, O Lord, mighty in battle. April 4, 1871. The archpriest truly convicted me, although through my servant and not with the spirit of love, and I must gratefully accept his denunciation of my greed, although it had a plausible excuse (to straighten my stomach with a glass of cognac). So, I accept with gratitude and nothing contrary to the verb. Lord, forgive, rise up, intercede and preserve us with Your grace, for we are Your servants, even if we have sinned before You and before each other. May the machinations of the enemy be destroyed. A righteous person loves to accept reproof from others for his sins, but a sinner does not tolerate reproof, is offended by those who reprove, complains about them in front of his comrades, that this is what kind of nonsense he suffers from his ill-wishers or from his unkind boss, because he considers himself a person who is correct in all his life and deserves only praise and honor, and not blame and reproach. This is me, a sinner. So, may I accept with gratitude and joy the conviction of sins, and may I especially love those who reprimand me sharply, at least through my servants and subordinates, and may they serve as the culprits of my correction and salvation, as it should be. Just as praise feeds vanity, so reproof produces a humble opinion of oneself. Therefore, a true Christian does not tolerate praise and loves reproof. May the Lord turn everything for good and may He make my very enemies the authors of my salvation and true exaltation, and may He grant me Christian humility, kindness and patience. (Lord! Have mercy on my father, Archpriest Paul, and speak good things in his heart about me, Your servant, and about all the brethren of the church, and may he prevail in the spirit of meekness, humility, benevolence, non-covetousness, and may he give what is due to everyone.) Whoever is offended, irritated by those who offend or hate us, or by those who are faulty or guilty, does not have Christian love in his heart, does not fulfill the law of God, but pleases only himself: true love is not irritated by anyone, but regrets everyone, is sick for everyone, wishes every good thing to everyone, even to its worst enemies. If anyone belongs to Christ, let him be wise and act like this. If anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His [Rom. 8, 9]. All my despondency, all my annoyance and tears at the archpriest were the agony of an ethereal enemy. Dream. The director, without reason, announced my resignation from teaching law at the gymnasium. Lesson for me. I asked the Lord to dismiss the archpriest for certain faults and to give him another. The Lord Himself knows. Love the reproofs of righteous and unrighteous people from people, so that you can correct yourself here and not be convicted at the Last Judgment before the whole world, before all Angels and people. Oh, the unbearable fear and shame of Your terrible judgment seat, Lord! Yesterday and the third day (April 3 and 4), and even tonight, I was the plaything of the disembodied enemy, having listened to the incorrect transmission of the words of the archpriest by my servant. Father Archpriest himself explained that, knowing my sober behavior, he did not even think of suspecting me of drunkenness. So, all night long, almost in vain, I shed tears of grief and in the sorrow of my heart I prayed for the archpriest, that the Lord would enlighten him or that he would give us another abbot, a truthful one. Monday. Fomina week. Matins. I was the playground of the enemy, who, like some kind of fiery wedge, was in my sides and, instilling fear in me, did not allow me to speak calmly and completely pronounce different words at the litanies. Again, he was moved by anger towards Kutuzov for the malfunction. But don’t, don’t: love never ceases (1 Cor. 13:8); covers everything... endures everything (1 Cor. 13:7), does not pursue the letter and form, holds tightly to the essence of the law - love for God and for the one who is in His image - for man. I sinned: I was upset with the poor; rejected the boy. The enemy brought great despondency upon me because of several unpleasant words conveyed to me by the servant from the archpriest. And despondency is a grave sin, especially in a priest. I thank the Lord for the temptations that befall me, although they are bitter: these temptations serve for my purification and enlightenment and salvation. The Lord forces the hellhound to lick his own vomit, which he spews into me. Liturgy. I thank the Lord, who granted me the communion of His most pure, holy, heavenly, immortal and life-giving Mysteries after severe temptations into the world of my spiritual strength, into lightness, health, joy, space. But at home, while sitting at the table, because of one thick egg that I ate, I lost the entire acquired world for the sake of my wife, who began to scold me because of unreasonable jealousy about my health (and my whim). It’s better not to have lunch at home in advance, but to leave home for school without having lunch. My waywardness, stubbornness and greed were today the reason that I became very angry with my wife who loves me and verbally betrayed her to Satan. One must yield to a loving wife for the sake of love and after mass never eat at home or have dinner until the evening. I thank the Lord for the gift of peace with my wife, according to my prayer for this to the Lord; If you ask for peace from the Lord, be the first to offer peace to the one with whom the peace is broken, and do not wait for him to come to ask you for peace. I was the first to offer peace to my wife, she came up, offered her hand, and we, by the grace of God, made peace. It was extremely difficult for me without peace in my soul in class, especially in fourth grade (at the first break). From excesses there are gumboils, toothaches and headaches, like I have fluxes on my gums from an extra glass of tea with cream and from cod. Cod is heavy! After fasting, during which we have accustomed our stomach to light food and abstinence, we must behave extremely carefully in the short term and consume light food extremely moderately, especially cream, butter, and meat. Otherwise, a long-term stomach upset may occur, as happened to me during Bright Week and throughout the week. In my wife’s zealous observation of me, so that I do not eat anything heavy on the stomach, I now see her great and reasonable love for me, protecting me from bad accidents with my stomach and with my health, and [should] respect her voice, even if she scolded me with anger for my impulses towards something pleasant, but which could have harmful consequences, as was the case yesterday, and not bring her to irritation and anger. I sinned in this before God and before her yesterday, bringing both myself and her to extreme irritation by eating a thick egg. Do not assume evil in anyone, but imagine all people as more kind than evil, although some do express anger; attribute the very malice to the original culprit of evil, who wounded with it man, created in the image of God and redeemed by the most pure blood of the God-man. Late mass. Radunitsa. During the mass and the removal of parts from the prosphora, when the sexton Kutuzov was reading the memorial and the prosphora fell, which I ordered Kutuzov to pick up, and he left it to the watchman, anger was kindled in me at him (hidden in my heart) because he did not want to do what he was told. The enemy inflamed his anger against him extremely strongly and pinched my heart; With barely an intensified prayer I freed myself from his violence, but at the great entrance, out of embarrassment, I still could not pronounce the royal names. In general, there was crowding throughout the entire liturgy. Woe to me from the ferocity of the enemy, from his slander and trappings. Lord, protect me and allow me to live with everyone in sincere love and forgive offenses. It is good to apply all the words of the prayers, or the entire essence of the prayers, when announcing the person wishing to be baptized (during the spell of a demon) and when reading the prayers of the holy waters and subsequent prayers, where appropriate. Wonderful prayers, divinely revealed prayers! How clearly they express the depth of our fall, the need for rebellion, and all the good deeds of the philanthropist God, who saved us through His Only Begotten Son! I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to peacefully perform the Sacrament of Baptism in the tavern, which is in Nikitin’s house opposite Lakrevsky’s warehouse. I thank the Lord, who reconciled me with the reader Vasily through my prayer and gave me peace and space after confusion and cramped conditions. May he always be dear to me as a brother and co-worker, and may I be dear to him by the grace of God. Venerable George, Bishop of Mytilene 30. Morning. Frost and snow on the ground that fell at night. The frost seemed to bind my insides: I could hardly speak the great litany, I could not pronounce all the names of the royal persons. I read the canon myself. I said the entire prayer to Christ, the true Light... without hesitation, freely, according to my prayer before this. I thank the Lord, who did not leave me with His help. During the Great Litany, Konstantin Petrovich Yudenich stood on the choir like a ghost: evil despondency. Because of the demonic libel, I could not always pronounce the Most Holy, the Most Pure. He served Matins quite successfully, but because of the devil’s intrigue, he did not say the prayer to Christ, the true Light, and because of this he was extremely upset by Satan, and if he had spoken with all his heart, then he would have been at peace; in this anxiety at the end of Matins, leaving the northern gate of the altar to serve the prayer service to the Mother of God, he looked angrily at sexton Kutuzov and was therefore even more wounded internally by the enemy’s arrows, which were fired throughout the entire prayer service and then, even upon arriving home. These are the sad results of insincere, half-hearted utterance of prayers. We must speak out with all our hearts. The battle comes with a mental wolf, with a verbal wolf, fighting in thought, word and heart. We must strengthen and strengthen our love for God and our neighbor day by day. Kutuzov the sexton is my neighbor, on whom my love must be fulfilled, regardless of his enmity, real or apparent. And the enemy, as if inciting me to enmity, as if urging me on with fiery rods, fries me as if in a hot frying pan! We must feel sorry for every evil person, and not be angry with him and not please Satan. Simply look at every enemy as a creation of God, as one created in the image of God and as one of your own members, and not breathe malice at him, that is, not be a devil, for a person who is angry is a devil at the time when he is angry. One must always be meek, kind, kind, patient, as if not noticing malice in others; one must overcome evil or evil people with kindness, kindness, and beneficence. God forbid from evil suspicion, in which everything about your neighbor is turned for the worse - movement, gesture, look, voice, step, every word. I am a lie: all the aspirations of my heart are deceitful and passionate - towards malice, envy, pride, contempt, despondency, murmuring, blasphemy, fornication, intemperance and demonic greed; to laziness, carelessness about pleasing God and saving one’s soul and the souls of others; carelessness about the affairs of the service, to waywardness, stubbornness, disobedience, gloating, malevolence; to stinginess, covetousness, love of money, partiality, bribery, man-pleasing, human-reliance, hard-heartedness, sinful pride, suspicion, unpeacefulness, dislike and other countless passions. So, I do not believe myself, for I am a lie; I don’t believe my destructive heartfelt aspirations that revolt my soul, and I don’t want to follow them even for a moment, for they constitute the old man, who must be put off; they are the flesh, which must be crucified with passions and lusts. I must be the truth, I must be clothed in the new man, created by God in righteousness and in the dignity of the truth [Eph. 4, 24], I must put on goodness, goodwill, kindness, meekness, humility, hope, patience, purity and chastity, self-control, diligence, vigil and prayer, obedience, generosity, impartiality. May the Lord and the Most Holy Theotokos help with this. The words of church prayers are spiritual, vital gold, a spring of living spiritual water, watering the soul, cooling the heat of passions; spiritual light, enlightening souls, the power of the Lord, strengthening the soul, spiritual sweetness, delighting souls with the grace of God. God! Source of my life, I thank You for the abundance of Your life, given to me through the communion of Your life-giving Mysteries during today’s Liturgy, for peace, cheerfulness and joy of spirit after the crampedness, burden, powerlessness and despondency of the soul that tormented me during the Liturgy from the very beginning of the proskomedia. I thank You, Lord, for giving me new life every time I celebrate the Divine Liturgy with tears of repentance and gratitude and partake of Your most pure and life-giving Mysteries. To Your Holy Mysteries I owe hitherto the continuation of my existence, the integrity of my ways and good glory among Your people. May Thy great name be hallowed more and more in me and in all Thy people, upon whom Thy holy name is named, and throughout Thy whole world; Thy kingdom come, the kingdom of righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit [Rom. 14, 17] into all our hearts, as You said: I will dwell in them and walk in them... And I will be a Father to you, and you will be My sons and daughters (2 Cor. 6, 16, 18); and let Your will be holy, all-wise, all-good, all-perfect, all-blessed, as in heaven and on earth in all Your people and in me, a sinner, for our own will is erroneous, short-sighted, sinful, disastrous, unloving, evil, envious, proud, lazy, luxurious, money-loving, stingy! By doing good sincerely to others, we do it to ourselves too. So, today I prayed with sincere faith, from the bottom of my heart, for the baby Peter to the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God, and I myself felt so light, easy, peaceful, light, warm, spacious in my soul. Baby Peter was brought to my apartment by a woman, Machikhina’s mother, to pray for him: the baby was sick with tabes. Giving alms to the poor means gaining, because the alms of the giver are repaid from God through people. I noticed a thousand times that after giving abundant alms, I always had a rich offering and I never lacked in necessities. Today, before Vespers, a peasant asked me for 80 kopecks (previously he was given 40). I was very upset with him for the secondary request, but then [...] both for the sake of need, and especially for the sake of Christ, I gave him what he required - and so what? After Vespers, I leave the church, and a woman I know gives me exactly 80 kopecks for the poor - no more, no less, as if to return the data, and then in the evening the woman again brought me a ruble. Through my addiction to sweets, the ethereal hater of God and people achieves the fulfillment of his monstrous will: with his hatred I begin to hate my neighbor, who consumes my sweets immoderately, not in the same way and not as much as I would like. Yes, I despise sweets, so as not to fall away from the love of my neighbor, who is in the image of God, and at the same time from the love of God, for he who does not love his neighbor - the image of God - does not love God, whose living image is in man. Let me not love myself in order to love my neighbor, for my old man, or my “I,” is the devil, not me. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the help He sent me during the service of Matins in the presence of our two archpriests, whose presence brought and continues to bring upon me during the service some incomprehensible demonic fear. Diligent prayer drove out fear, although not completely. I thank the Lord, who has given me the strength to triumph over the cowardice and slavery of my spirit and to be strengthened with boldness. Fear and confusion and darkness of thoughts came, obviously, from the spirits of malice, who instilled in me an evil suspicion of the brethren, who were not distinguished by sincerity of relationships and goodwill, and through my own, innermost passions, inciting me to anger and despondency. I read the entire canon myself. Christ, the true Light, spoke everything to the end. How Satan constantly and flatteringly offends us all, we do not notice this and are not angry at him, but how our neighbor offends us according to Satan’s teaching, sometimes completely unintentionally and accidentally, we immediately notice this and become angry at him, suffering the insult from Satan ourselves. Oh, the machinations of the enemy! Oh, satanic snares! I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, pronouncing all the names of the royal house at the great entrance. Just before communion, the enemy brought to my memory the brethren - Father Matthew and Father Paul - for evil, and with a secret, inner feeling of anger towards them, he so embarrassed and embarrassed and dishonored me that I could hardly recover from this with my inner neck, with fervent prayer of repentance. This is how weak my heart is, how passionate it is and how insidious the enemy is, rushing at me from secret ambushes and hiding places of the heart in the most sublime, most sacred moments! How unhypocritically and deeply we must love everyone and despise no one, but despise only the devil and our old man, who is decaying in deceitful lusts! After defeating my inner malice, I calmed down, and after consuming the Holy Gifts, I rejoiced, completely renewed. But upon leaving the church from mass, when I gave alms to the poor and meanwhile many were still chasing me on the way to Yakovleva’s class, I became angry with them, shouted with anger and for this I was deeply embarrassed and hurt in my heart. The whole class sat in confusion and cramped conditions - there was no peace in my bones because of my sins [Ps. 37, 4]. Already at home, after fervent prayer, the confusion passed, the tightness passed, and the most merciful Lord granted me peace again. Alas! passions still live in me! The anger is not dead yet! Covetousness is alive! Voluptuousness reigns! Alas for me, a sinner! An hour and a half in the afternoon. April 10, 1871. I thank the Lord, who gave me peace through my prayer, for I did not have peace for the sake of my sins, and I cried out to Him in repentance and received peace. Grant, O Lord, to my wife Elizabeth peace in every way and to all my household. Wake up! May there be glory to You, Lord, in all our lives. Glory to Your grace, which all the forces of hell cannot overcome and which allowed me today to triumph over these forces when saying the prayer to Christ, the true Light: grace drove away demonic fears and embarrassment and I calmly said the entire prayer. I thank the Lord for the grace of fiery, intense, tearful prayer during today’s all-night vigil in the Assumption Church; according to the action of the Spirit of grace, I fervently and intelligently prayed for all members of the Church of Christ, for the birth of the 31 Living Vine - Christ, so that they would all be green on the green Vine - Christ, so that everyone would be 32 honest to His Church, so that everyone would live as children of God, in holiness, kindness, humility, abstinence, non-covetousness, love and compassion for each other; so that the Lord Himself would raise infants, instruct youth, support old age, and preserve marriage in peace and unanimity; so that he fulfills all requests for salvation, so that he gives work and labor to all strangers and the poor who are able to work. How evil, capricious and judgmental my heart is towards others, it’s hard to imagine: it doesn’t like my mother’s yapping lips, or her rough village speech, or her humble silence, or the family’s consumption of sugar in large quantities - and because of all this, anger and contempt of the devil are certainly aroused, and the above-mentioned circumstances turn out to be the stupidest excuses for this: the devil cannot hide the final goal of all his machinations - malice, envy, pride. But is everything okay with us?.. To ourselves we are blind. After all, yapping doesn’t hit anyone, doesn’t touch anyone, doesn’t cause anyone the slightest harm? - And the matter is over, and there is no need to notice it. Let the harmless, innocent and indifferent habit remain, but I must eradicate my bad habits - I have a lot of them. Resurrection. Week of the Holy Myrrh-Bearing Women. He served Mass in mental and physical distress; at the great entrance I felt a great loss of mental strength, but not physical; I couldn’t pronounce everyone the names of the royal house, but only Ekaterina Mikhailovna and her husband and the empress. At the thanksgiving service, I said the entire prayer with God’s help. I thank the Lord for covering all my sins. Grant, God, that I too may cover the sins of my neighbors. The weather is rainy, the whole sky is covered. Extreme irritability: every trifle, every ghost of one’s own 33 disturbs and offends. What a torture, what a temptation! And more and more from satiety, from abundance! I thank the Lord, who has given us a leader who is calm, unperturbed in spirit, even, always equal to himself, reasonable - not like me: restless, often indignant in spirit from insignificant reasons, from every blow of opposing winds, changing, never equal to himself and often unreasonable, but acting recklessly under the influence of passionate indignations, zealous 34, sometimes daring, rebellious, wayward. If a boss falls into sin, this is not surprising - and he is human. But we must bear each other’s burdens, cover each other’s sins wisely, and the Lord will cover ours, or mine, with His grace. During the thanksgiving prayer service at the liturgy, I was greatly outraged by the gaze of sexton Kutuzov - the gaze of unkind eyes 35, and I hesitated - but I remembered that if Christ is in me and with me, then who should I fear, that the anger that troubles me is the attack of the evil spirit and the arbitrariness of my heart - I calmed down and read without hesitation a prayer of gratitude to the Lord Jesus Christ with the Father and the Holy Spirit. But there is something outrageous in Sidorov and Stepanov and Shebunin, as in our fathers Paul and Matthew: Lord! Look at them and at me, a sinner! In vain today I was in a hurry to celebrate the Liturgy, hastening to the Cathedral, in vain did I not say a sermon and did not take books to church, hastening to choose an elder: the archpriest finished everything early. I won't rush forward. When you feel indignation, anger, contempt, ill-will towards the priests in your soul for any of their disapproving deeds, then know that the enemy is in you, and immediately humbly say a prayer to the Lord: Lord! Through the prayers of such and such, named reverend fathers, save me, a sinner, and: through the prayers of Your saints, be merciful to them, in what they have sinned. Say this with unfeigned love - and you will calm down and your prayers and your deeds will be successful. They are not as thin as they seem to you. There is a lot of good in them, although there is also bad, which they recognize and repent of (as you hear in confession), just as you recognize in yourself, despite the bad qualities in you, many good qualities, by the grace of God. Live with everyone in love, meekness, kindness, benevolence, do not curse anyone. The limit of life is determined by God for everyone, both those who lived before us and those who are now living, and an evil-wisher with his evil wish will not change God’s limit, but will only harm himself, his soul. We must fervently wish correction for everyone, not the end of life, even for our worst enemies. Oh, if only there were no evil in me at all; Oh, if only I had never thought evil, if I had never returned evil for evil, annoyance for annoyance! Oh, if only I thought kindly about all my enemies, recognizing that they hate me, persecute me for the evil that is in me, so that I can correct myself, so that I can change. In any case, they don’t know what they are doing. Yes, I remember that we are all members of each other and therefore let us be diligent in mutual love, and remember that I am good only behind others, as if behind a fence - take away this fence, and my weaknesses will be revealed, and I will be ashamed. I thank the Lord, who heard me early in the morning when I cried out to Him to grant me dispassion and peace and to take away my zeal 36 for unrighteousness; I tasted the peace of God and neglected, forgot the injustice done to me, as if it had never happened. Steward Lord, glory to Thee! Do not take revenge on your enemies with any evil evil thought or evil feeling, and do not be embarrassed, but be firm and calm in heart, leaving it to the Lord Himself to take revenge on your enemies for you. If you are kind and patient, then who can harm you? – Our anger offends us, our pride, our envy, in general, our passions. Be above these passionate indignations, and no one in the world will harm you. The Lord is my enlightenment and my Savior, whom shall I fear? The Lord is the Protector of my life, from whom shall I fear? [Ps. 26, 1]. Ignorance and uncorrection of the heart are a thousand times more guilty than the lack of education of the mind, for an uneducated person in mind is a dark person, worthy of condescension and pity, while an educated person is devoted to passions and vices: malice, pride, contempt, envy, gluttony, gluttony, drunkenness, covetousness, fornication and other passions - with much of his knowledge, as well as with knowledge of the will of God, does not apply the learned rules to the matter, does not fulfill the will of God, and violates it with even greater fearlessness and audacity than an uneducated person. In an uneducated person, simplicity of heart, meekness, kindness, humility, silence, patience are more precious before God than all our knowledge, all external polish, all memorized expressions, all sugary politeness, all long prayers, all intricately woven speeches. And even sins themselves, like sins of ignorance, are more excusable. Therefore, deeply respect simple ignorance and learn from it what you do not have, that is, simplicity, kindness, patience, etc. The uneducated are babes in Christ, to whom the Lord sometimes reveals His secrets. Yesterday I sinned before God with impatience, grumbling and insolence before God at a time when the pain and aching in my leg reached an extreme degree and tormented me most severely, although not for long; I screamed, threw whatever came to hand, moaned, got angry at everyone, considering everyone the cause of my illness, while I myself, of course, was the first culprit. Yesterday, at the memorial service for Tsarevich Nicholas in the orphanage, I was greatly shaken by fear and apprehension from opposing forces and strongly prayed to the Lord for intercession and deliverance, while I felt unwell due to bad weather, which only got better by 12 o’clock, and due to bad sleep at night (I slept the day before). My scrofula intensified in me in a very strong way and nervous soreness and irritability reached an extreme degree; Soon my scrofula broke out with severe shooting and aching in the extremity of my left leg. The exclamation did not say everything well: the evil one was confused at the end, and his cowardice was to blame. Why does not the servant of God behave heavenly, like the Angel of the Lord Almighty, dispassionately, peacefully and before the mighty of the earth? Why is he afraid of the shine of epaulettes and stars and red ribbons? Before God, is not everything dust and insignificance?.. Oh, may the priest behave in accordance with his highest rank on earth. Let him not be discouraged. He is not faint-hearted, he does not hesitate, let every word of him be a word of grace, peace, strength, light; Let his gaze be like the gaze of an Angel - clear, quiet, calm, meek, kind, humble. May God rise in me, and may His enemies and mine be scattered. April 13, 1871. When you meet the poor, remember Saint Peter the Publican 37 before his conversion and after his conversion, Saint Philaret the Merciful 38, Saint Andrew, Christ for the Fool's sake 39, Saint John the Merciful 40 and act as they did in their state of grace. Almsgiving is a great thing: Christ Himself accepts it. But we constantly forget this and often look at the poor with hostility. Mother and I are one being. May I advance 41 in respect for my mother and love every day, may it be good for me and may I live long on earth [Ex. 20, 12]. Yes, I appreciate in her the image of God, old age, the reason for my existence, simplicity, meekness, gentleness, humility, patience without grumbling, purity - which is not in me, the accursed one. I sinned before God and people by becoming angry with the beggar boys, idlely wandering and wandering around, dissatisfied with the alms given and several times approaching me with insistent demands; I shouted at them with anger and pulled one by the hair. Oh, how unseemly it is for a priest to lose his temper and be angry at gentle children who constantly ask for alms for the sake of poverty! How rudely is covetousness and dislike for humanity expressed here, with visible mercy! If I don’t want to give as much as the poor want, then why don’t I move away from them calmly and not get annoyed with them? Oh, well-fed and satiated, rude and uneducated at heart! Is this how a priest should behave, a shepherd of verbal sheep, bearing the image of the great Shepherd - Jesus Christ, the Son of God, the Lamb of God, slain for our sins, meek and humble, long-suffering and kindly?.. And the need (of the poor) is persistent in its demands, sometimes impudent, and our passions are also stubborn and persistent, impudent and impudent, for example, stinginess, covetousness, fornication, malice, envy, pride, theft, heresy, schism, superstition, idolatry. But let us prudently yield to the persistent requests of the needy, the poor and the suffering: this will serve to our salvation and eternal bliss. Just as the poor and suffering force us to compassion, so let us mutually force ourselves to give alms, we will force ourselves to do good while there is time, just as sin constantly forces us to constantly sin and anger God and to multiply for ourselves the food of the fire of Gehenna, which begins here little by little to kindle in our hearts and shows us the eternal flame in it. Eternal weeping and gnashing of teeth. The Kingdom of Heaven is in need, and the needy [Russian: strong seekers] delight it [Matt. 11, 12 ]; and the enemy also wants to forcefully seize and drag into Gehenna all the careless, unbelieving and unrepentant and partial to the blessings here. If the disembodied enemy incites me to scream at the poor, who come to me many times in one day for alms, then may the good angel incite me always and everywhere to loudly, heartily cry out in prayer and not yield a single word to the enemy, who steals the word from our hearts through secret cunning and through our addiction or passion. Yes, nothing frightens me, no demonic ghost during prayer. Enough, vile, I serve him without even praying. Oh, if only I could not serve at all - neither willingly nor unwillingly! Oh, if only I could completely renounce in the depths of my soul Satan and all his works, and all his angels, and all his service, and all his pride, which nests deep in my heart! May the Lord, who alone knows the weakness and corruption of my entire being, help and create and perfect. Do everything with meekness, so as not to offend the grace of God, which abhors sin and leaves the house of our soul empty after sin. Therefore, when giving alms or performing prayers and the Sacraments, be always quiet, meek, humble, kind, patient, and reverent. Grace is dearer than anything: acquire it, and having acquired it, hold on. Do not offend the Spirit of grace by agitation of passions. Why is a day of rest celebrated every six days? – So that we constantly remember that after the labors of this life there will come a day of eternal rest, for the Sabbath has also been abandoned, according to the Apostle [Heb. 4, 9], the people of God. And Sunday Day points to the day of general resurrection, after which there will be a day of rest for all who have labored well in this life in Christ Jesus. The Lord does me an infinite amount of good, the sir - very much. God does not marvel at the face; he will take the gift below. And let me not be surprised at the faces, not at the king himself; I fear only God, His unapologetically 42 greatness. The meekness and humility (falling at the feet) of a beggar neighbor should soften me, tame me, but I, the damned one, am even more irritated by this - that they give me respect, which, due to my sins, I am unworthy of and which only God or His saints are worthy of. All sacrifices and alms to the poor do not replace love for one’s neighbor if it is not in the heart, therefore, when giving alms, one must always take care that it is given with love, from a sincere heart, willingly, and not with annoyance and grief towards them. The very word alms shows that it should be an act and a sacrifice of the heart and given with tenderness or regret for the poor state of the beggar and with tenderness or contrition for one’s sins, for the cleansing of which alms are given, for alms, according to Scripture, cleanses all sin. He who gives alms reluctantly and with annoyance, stingily, pitifully, has not known his sins, has not known himself. Alms are a benefit, first of all, to the one who gives them (after not giving to three boys and ruffling one of them, the bolder one, by the hair); This circumstance worries me, worries me very much. We and our students carefully study the Law of God, study quite voluminous textbooks, ask ourselves, or stock up on a lot of knowledge from the history of the Old Testament, the New Testament, the Catechism, the science of worship and the history of the Church. But what happens in the end? – Our disciples become neither more religious nor more pious, and sometimes even colder towards God, God’s law and worship. What is the reason for this? Where is the enlightenment of grace in the hearts of children? Where is their inner change? Alas! This is not noticed because the excess of knowledge in other sciences suppresses the word of God and the thorns of laziness of the heart choke the seed of faith. Demonic fear did not give me the third day (April 14, Tuesday) at the removal of the servant of God Elizabeth and at the litia to calmly say the litany and dismissal, today (April 16) at the prayer service in Krasnaya Street near the Manege in Sidorov’s house, some words of the litany and in the main prayer at the prayer service for the widow Irina. Three days ago at the christening in Estafiev’s house in Chuev’s apartment - some kind of weakness of spirit, nervousness, embarrassment! What a devilish delight I was in yesterday, when with greed (appetite) I ate fish with radishes and lingonberry jam and drank sweet tea after drinking at 4 o’clock (this was at 9 pm). How I praised white Polish bread, possessed by the same charm! I didn’t think that from such coveted eating and drinking and in such quantity (however, not to the point of burden) the carnal, prodigal lust would greatly intensify! Woe to me, glutton! Alas for me, the prodigal! My Lord and Creator and Savior! I have sinned: have mercy on me! Teach me never to dine, never to indulge in voluptuousness, but to use all the gifts of Your goodness in moderation. Yesterday I ate fresh fish, fried with butter, greedily, and drank wine, and a lot of sweet tea, and drank a lot of radishes, and salad, and white bread! Everything is a womb! Their god is the belly [Phil. 3, 19 ]! And Friday is the day of the bitterest suffering for my sake, my Savior and Lord! Alas for me, ungrateful! Walking in anger, I feel cramped; I put away the anger - and good things will happen to me. To the servant of the Most High, the Vigorous, the Greatly Powerful, the Holy, whom should he fear? Only my sins frighten me both at home and in church - both in the face of my mother, and in the faces of the sexton and the brethren of the Cathedral, and those present! But may I rest in the Lord, knowing the delusion of demons! I thank the Lord for His great mercy towards me, for during the conciliar service of the liturgy he gave me peace of mind with tearful tenderness and the unfaltering, calm pronunciation of the names of the royal family at the great entrance and the same pronunciation of the litany behind the pulpit. The invisible enemies are driven away by the grace of God. The enemy constantly sows enmity between me and the brethren of the church, as I notice with my inner eye, and makes everything a pretext for it: fault or ignorance, the mistake of a lower brother, and the wealth or arrogance of an older brother, or even his solidity, etc. We must constantly pay attention to ourselves and suppress hostile feelings, covering all the weaknesses and shortcomings of our neighbor with love, which endures everything. Love and do what you want, said one blessed father of the Church. The earthly Church prays to God in the image of the heavenly Church, which prays for us and for the whole world. Theater lulls Christian life, destroys it, giving the life of Christians the character of a pagan, scattered life. Everyone dozed off and fell asleep [Matt. 25, 5 ]; By the way, this disastrous dream will produce theater in people, and then what? - sciences taught in a pagan spirit; worldly worries, extremely intense, covetousness, ambition, voluptuousness. The theater is the school of this world and the prince of this world - the devil, and he sometimes transforms into an Angel of Light in order to more conveniently deceive the short-sighted; sometimes, apparently, he will also turn in a moral play, so that they will repeat and trumpet the theater that it is a very educational thing and that it is worth visiting it no less than the church, and perhaps even more because in the church it is the same thing, but in the theater there is a variety of plays, and scenery, and costumes, and characters. Do not be defeated by the evil of your neighbors, but overcome evil with good, most importantly, by prayer for those who do evil. We will surrender ourselves, each other and our whole life, with all our mutual shortcomings and insults, to Christ God. We ourselves [do not] take revenge on anyone, not even with a single evil thought or intention, but we leave it to God to take revenge for ourselves. Vengeance is Mine, I will repay [Rom. 12, 19], says God. We must also love our enemies: after all, the devil teaches and incites them to be hostile. Has anyone insulted you or your wife? - Here is an opportunity to show Christian wisdom. Do not be offended by the enemy, but forgive him and do not take revenge on him, and do not show that we have been insulted by him. His conscience will punish him. This is what it means to do the will of God and please Him, this is what it means to love God and your neighbor. Resurrection. Early mass. The terrible cramped conditions and grief almost suffocated me. Damn my greed with which I ate and drank tea last night when I didn’t need to eat or drink: I ate black bread with smelt, I drank tea with cream with crackers - the crackers especially caused me trouble: they got stuck in my larynx completely, I couldn’t speak. In addition, the resentment of Kutuzov’s act, which, in essence, was nothing, but under the influence of the spirits of malice caused enormous confusion and distress in me. And everything is an ethereal enemy: you can see how he does dirty tricks inside, in the heart. - There’s nothing you can do about it. The ice has broken from St. Petersburg. Cold. I ate an orange yesterday. But this is harmful with fast food. Don't eat in future. At Nikolaev’s, a gymnasium teacher, after mass he ate pie and cheese at the wrong time, and even in front of some pagan statue, and without prayer, only crossing himself. On Monday, April 19, merchant Alexander Ivanovich Dmitriev died of a transient illness. We all carry death in our depths, as well as bliss or torment. Everything on earth is fleeting. Nothing permanent. We must all weep and weep over our vanity and the neglect of our one need. O eternity! Eternity! Do we think about you as we should? Is it not temporary joys that we most want to enjoy? Are we collecting temporary wealth? And what do we mean by eternal wealth - enrichment by good deeds? God! Stop us. God! Guide us on the straight path. At Al's funeral service. Ivanovich Dmitriev stumbled at the exclamation, became shy and did not speak out. Oh, the networks of the enemy! What vain, evil suspiciousness, supposedly they are laughing at me or will laugh at me. But I’m omitting the truth. Oh, nerves! How weak you are! Oh, trembling voice! Oh, dead heart! All my weaknesses of spirit come from excess of food and drink, although I do not consume much of it. But since the vital juices constantly remain in me and are not wasted, then a small amount of food is as big for me. Evening memorial service for A.I. Dmitriev. I thank the Lord for the help of peace and words sent down to me by His goodness through my prayer; The exclamation was pronounced all calmly. I thank the Lord for the archpriest’s kind treatment of me when I came to him to correct a paper: the initial anxiety from the enemy suddenly disappeared from this affection, my soul became peaceful, well-disposed towards him; I thought that he would contradict me and stand by his, albeit wrong, cause (there was little meaning in one place in the paper), and I had already prepared answers to his resistance; but he showed reasonable compliance with what was right, and things worked out peacefully and kindly. Thank the Lord! Afterwards I felt ashamed of my embarrassment. May I always be calm and peaceful, and may I never get excited, may I control myself. God! Help. What a blessing it is to live in peace with each other! God! I thank You, for You gave me tenderness at the grave of the deceased with the living thought of my own spiritual death, of my many sins: wickedness, pride, malice, envy, greed, lust, fornication, coldness towards God and neighbors, hard-heartedness, lack of compassion, gloating, ill-will, partiality, man-pleasing, hatred of mankind, laziness, despondency, murmuring, blasphemy, gluttony, delicacy, gluttony, indulgence in the sins of others, false shame, vain, false fear, laughter, idle talk, lies, deception, slander, condemnation, impatience, zeal, vain confusion. God! I thank You, for You have granted me the grace to utter a funeral cry without stumbling. The fate and fate of this dead man is the fate and fate of each of us: we will also have to lie in the coffin. Let us learn to live and die at this grave—to live well, virtuously, in order to die well. The death of sinners is fierce [Ps. 33, 22]. Even until now, the world with its lust, corruption, vain decency, fashions lives in me and sometimes turns everything upside down in me. To this day, smooth and lively speech surprises me, and rude and timid speech (in a mother) confuses me; The fashionable outfit (of the wife) is still pleasant, and the old and stained outfit is indignant; I still want to appear myself, and not be what I should be, and I want the same from my wife, that is, for her to dress up decently. I still have false shame and pride. And the meekness and simplicity and love of a mother?.. And the high chastity and high love of my wife for me?.. Why is this forgotten?.. Don’t these good qualities compensate for all the shortcomings of education, smooth speech, decency and value of clothing?.. Do you want skillful and smooth chatter?.. Are you looking for vain beauties?.. Look for a man, not his ghost. I see the whole abyss of corruption in my heart, all the uncleanness and abomination of it, and I don’t trust him or myself in anything. But I have all the more confidence in the revealed word of God, the word of the Church of God, the commandments of God and the statutes of the Church; I surrender myself with all my corruption, with all delusions, sins, with all moral ignorance to Christ my God, who came to earth to save the human race. Christ the Savior! Save me too, the damned one. May I curb the zeal of my corrupted nature in the event of misdeeds of the lesser brethren, remembering the multitude of my sins, and correct them with the spirit of meekness. If I want to be renewed in my heart and mind and my whole being, I must strive for fasting and prayer. For yesterday I ate quite a lot of meat, drank coffee and tea, and I feel that my heart and flesh have become prodigal, lustful, contemplative, fearful, and weak for prayer. There is a burden and thorns in the heart. Wednesday. Cathedral service on the occasion of the funeral of merchant A.I. Dmitrieva. Irritation with sextons Kutuzov and Kamenogradsky because of their unkind behavior during the litiya before the removal; accused them of gambling and selling artos. He himself was deeply indignant. During the liturgy there is cramped space, demonic fear and confusion. At the funeral service, I did not utter the words of the exclamation: Your deceased servant Alexander was out of embarrassment and fear; Then in the evening, at a party, for the same reason, I did not utter the words: Thine is the Kingdom and the power and the glory... They sang the Our Father. God! Grant me boldness, courage and not to be embarrassed before anyone when performing a holy task, not to please people, but to You, my Lord God. The enemy constantly persecutes me with vain doubt and fear. Love... is not provoked (1 Cor. 13:5), according to the Apostle. And I'm irritated. Alas for me, a sinner who has not known himself. Woe to me, great, impenetrable grief today during early mass because I was like a fat calf from yesterday and the third day onwards, especially from yesterday: yesterday I ate quite a lot of meat, without getting hungry, at lunch; I went to the bathhouse in the evening, a week after the previous bath, and after the bath I ate three soft-boiled eggs and drank two glasses of cream and bread and butter. Why am I getting fed up? Why do I create mental and physical harm to myself and give room to the devil - a spacious place to tempt me, to disturb me with passions? God! Let me begin my daily fast. Now after communion there is no peace in my bones because of my sins [Ps. 37, 4]. And this happens rarely! My trouble is great. The grace of God leaves me. For my satiety and for my irritability! There is no need to go to the bathhouse often - it is harmful. It is not my brothers, sextons, who are the cause of my irritation, but my sins: my satiety, self-love, irritability, pride, malice, envy and, the first cause of all sin, the devil; the brethren, the sextons, are only weak instruments of the devil, whom we must pity and for whom we must pray, so that they are honest, correct, reverent, and not angry, not offended at them, not yelling at them. For so many years I worked and work in my belly, experiencing all kinds of pleasures, but in the end there was only one burden on the heart, heaviness in the body, mental exhaustion - new hunger, new thirst, new satiation and old burden. Vanity of vanities! But future incorruptible blessings, which the eye has not seen, nor the ear heard, nor entered into the heart of man (1 Cor. 2:9)! And the enjoyment of them by the righteous! Oh, how often I forgot about this and did not strive for them, chasing temporary pleasures! Secretly I thought that I would continue to enjoy only earthly pleasures forever. How I angered You, the Lord my God, who created me in His image and likeness, who gave me an immortal soul. Oh, how often I forgot about my immortality in the fumes of worldly passions! God! Give me the grace not to be irritated at the sight of human untruths, passions, hobbies, and human errors, for every person is free. Give me patience, generosity and meekness 44. He who himself is wicked, angry, unclean, proud, envious, thieving, suspects wickedness, malice, envy, thievery, etc. in others. and is tormented by suspicion. But a straightforward, kind person does not suspect evil in anyone, but treats everyone lovingly. In order for you to test yourself whether you love your neighbor according to the Gospel, pay attention to yourself at a time when people offend you, scold you, laugh at you or do not give you your due, the respect accepted in the community, or when subordinates sin against service and are faulty: if you are calm at this time, you are not filled with the spirit of enmity, hatred, impatience, if you continue to love these people the same way as before, before their offenses, faults, then you love your neighbor according to the Gospel, but if you are irritated, angry, embarrassed, then you do not love. And if you love those who love you, what gratitude do you have for that? [ OK. 6, 32]. Alas for me! When my brother sins against the service or against me, I myself am carried away by evil, enmity, and revenge. I have no sincerity when praying for anyone who has died. Sunday all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness and sincere, fervent prayer for myself and for people; I thank the Lord, who conquered in me the impulses to anger (and devilish violence) against Father Deacon for his untimely exit from the altar to pronounce the small litanies for kathismas. With difficulty I overcame this violence by the grace of God: the enemy was ready to tear me to pieces, crush me with anger, burn me with hellish fire. I thank the Lord for saying the prayer to Christ, the true Light, - I did not say just correct our steps to do Your commandments. It was awkward; but he prayed to the Lord. Don’t be surprised that Anna Konstantinovna really wants to stay in Kronstadt in a church house: here she grew up in her parents’ house, here her parents are buried, here she saw a lot of joys, here her first daughter was born. Put yourself in her place: wouldn’t it be nice for you to visit the place of your former residence?.. Addiction to clothing is a sin, because because of it there is partiality: remember, the Apostle James’ epistle speaks of a man in a bright robe and a beggar in thin clothing [James. 2, 2 ]; in addition, clothing feeds vanity and alienates the heart from God; There are troubles, envy, and quarrels because of clothes. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly saved me now during the liturgy from the agony of sin and who has pacified my confused and oppressed heart, who has granted me to feel the life-giving warmth of the communion of His most pure and life-giving Mysteries. Sunday of the week about the Samaritan. April 25. I thank the Lord, who vouchsafed me to unfailingly utter a cry for the repose of the servant of God Olga (Shchulennikova) in the Duma Church in front of a multitude of noble people. I humbled myself, and the Lord saved me [Ps. 114, 5]. I thought: here we are standing at the tomb of God’s servant, but spiritual death is raging in the hearts of all of us, and especially in me, for I am a spiritual dead man, and my body is rotting alive. O damnation, oh poverty, oh the decay of my damnation! God! Your eyes, brighter than the sun, see in the depths of our hearts and see there the darkness of sin, impenetrable, the abomination of passions. Oh, how we fail before You! How unclean! Malice, envy, contempt, disobedience, love of money, lust devour our hearts, eat us to the fullest. Olga Dmitrievna was a woman of sincere piety: a high-ranking lady, she, however, was not proud of her high position in the world, but always sincerely humbled herself before everyone; loved to visit the church of God and listen to the word of God; her soul delighted in the revelation of the Gospel truths and commandments and ascended into the word of God; More than once, delighted with tears and the truths themselves, she thanked the preacher at the end of the service, although he preached not his own word, but another, experienced preacher. Since the deceased loved the word of preaching, we will honor her with a short word: you loved the word of God - you will now see face to face the Hypostasis Itself, the Personal Word of God; your soul has always strived for the Lord, now the time has come [...] to come and worship Him. I sinned before God: I was tempted in a dream with my wife through nature by the work of the devil! This is because of yesterday's gluttony and feasting with guests! Here's some vodka for you! Here's a herring for you! Here's some cheese for you! Here's some sweet tea for you! Here's some cream for you! Here's some sweets for you! Oh, how I have sinned before God, unrepentant sinner! Here are some warm blankets for you! Here is the desecration of your mother’s hand, given for your kiss! This simple, gentle baby is a mother who is a thousand times better and purer than you before God! For you have completely corrupted yourself since your youth, but she remained chaste all her life, allowing only what was lawful. Damned one, I live like a pagan: I eat, I drink, I get drunk, I am satiated! How am I not afraid, damned one, of the sudden coming of the Judge and the hour of death. How I am not afraid of the fate of those about whom it is said: they ate and drank [Matt. 24, 38; OK. 17, 27 ]! Because of trifles, I make big mistakes, misdeeds, for example, because of vestments, and in general because of clothes, internally resisting the archpriest, wanting to stand on my own. Have I ever been left without vestments or will I ever remain? I also often sin because of food. I thank the Lord, who forgave me the sin of temptation at night, and made me worthy to perform the morning service without stumbling in the presence of the archpriest. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to celebrate the Divine Liturgy peacefully at the conciliar meeting in the Duma Church and who extinguished the hellish fire in me at the beginning of the liturgy through my prayer, to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and to say the unfailing prayer behind the pulpit when I was embarrassed and instilled with fear from the enemy. I thank you for peacefully and sincerely standing at the tomb of the deceased servant of God Olga and uttering an exclamation and speech: for You are my Benevolent One, Lord, and glory and thanksgiving are due to You always, now and ever, and unto the ages of ages. Amen. Thank you for the word, the Word of God! Inciting me to desire shiny church clothes, which my father, the archpriest, does not give me, the incorporeal enemy strips me of the robe of incorruptibility, the robe of spirituality, the robe of meekness, gentleness, peace, light, spiritual freedom and sets me on fire with the hellish fire of opposition, malice, confusion and oppression; I am inflamed with anger against my father. These are the networks of the enemy! What dangers! Be content, my soul, with what has been given to you. This is what happened today at Matins at the sight of the old vestments that were not being replaced. Because of my disgust with stale prosphora and my internal annoyance at the prosphora bowl, Satan almost devoured me today before, during, and after communion. There was such persistent warfare until I realized that this was the vain wisdom of the flesh, that this was a manifestation of its lust and greed - and what did I decide to lust after? Holy Lamb. Oh, my damnation! This is the same as wanting new, shiny vestments, not being satisfied with the old ones. Listen after this to the voice of the insidious, voluptuous flesh! No: during communion, be all spirit, all eye, do not hesitate in anything, do not seek material sweetness, but spiritual sweetness. Remember the presanctified Lamb, remember the dry Gifts presanctified for the sick. Leave gluttony and satiety! Fast before every religious service! Take advantage of frequent sacred rites and communion of the Divine Mysteries for salvation, and not for condemnation! Put aside earthly, vain, transitory pleasures. Your body is the Lord, and the Lord is your body. Food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both (1 Cor. 6:13). Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. Tuesday. Week about the Samaritan. Morning. I thank the Lord, who repeatedly saved me from the machinations of the enemy during the morning service through my prayer, when I fell before the truly life-giving throne. Glory to Thee, Most kind and benevolent King of glory, seated on the throne, glory to Thy power, glory to Thy bounty, Lord! Yesterday’s food is at war with me today: cod, black bread with butter, tea with cream. Without an appetite, that means I ate and drank needlessly, allowing myself to go to excess, and that’s why the sweets are at war in me. To the physician of the sick, Lord, heal me. Mass. Damned, today I was the play of the evil one throughout the liturgy because of the prosphoras, which seemed very callous to me, and because of the watchman Nikolai, who seemed rude to me when answering my question regarding the prosphoras. The evil one burned and oppressed me mercilessly throughout the mass, starting with the proskomedia. But it turned out that the prosphora was good and not very stale. This means that I myself was completely guilty both before God and before the people with whom I was angry. These are the fruits of my gluttony and greed. This is what the Savior’s saying means: that many are overwhelmed by the worries, wealth and pleasures of life and do not bear fruit [Lk. 8, 14]. Is the prosphora so important to me that because of it I lose peace with God and with people and with myself during the celebration of the heavenly Sacrament of the Eucharist, that is, the Body and Blood of the Lord?.. How I forgot the word of the Lord: Try not for food that perishes, but for food that endures to eternal life [John. 6, 27 ]? I was deservedly punished by the Lord for the fact that from evening to night I unnecessarily ate and drank bread, cod, butter, tea with cream: the crowd inside was still in the evening; strong erection at night. It was terribly difficult for me during the liturgy. One must die to sweets - but not in words, but in deeds. The enemy has been given strong power over our belly. Let anyone who is a faithful servant of God understand why this is so. Let us remember the beginning of our fall, because of what it followed. The voice was extremely weak and feeble during the liturgy, loss of nerves due to tightness in the insides (this is from cod). You should never have dinner at night, that is, eat fish, or meat, or cheese. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to carry out two marriages calmly. Glory to Your power, Lord! I sinned before God: I ate fish at night in quick oil, which is why I had an erection and visions of fornication at night, although by the grace of God I did not fall into temptation. I drank a lot of Bavarian kvass and strong tea. He sinned: he angrily tore out a beggar by the hair for his persistent request after he ordered him to leave. O tormenting beast! And also a priest, I also eat the Immaculate Lamb every day! I sinned: I fell into envy when I saw a bronze seal made for free by brother Alexei for Father Gregory Iv. Tsvetkova. How much vanity, lust, pride, envy, pride, malice, intemperance, lust, impatience, cowardice, murmuring, blasphemy in me! The abyss of my sins, Lord! Deliver me from them by Your mercy! Two and a half hours in the afternoon. Today the Lord magnified His mercy with me, delivering me from great distress and giving me peace and freedom through the communion of His Divine and Life-giving Mysteries. Thank you, Lord. I sinned: I envied my brethren, fathers Archpriests Paul and Matthew, their accumulated wealth and was indignant at their hard-heartedness and unmercifulness, despising and hating them (and forgot my sins), I forgot that because of them I was red in the cathedral. I sinned by opposing the archpriest in my thoughts. Through the cross and death of the Lord life and immortality shine (shine). Glory, Lord, to Your honorable Cross and Resurrection! Oh, damn my greed, that last night I again drank a lot of tea with cream and ate some meat! There was no need. I thank You, Lord my God, for fulfilling all my requests, even for the salvation of mine and others. Whether for myself or for someone else, I will pray to You, our mercy, You work a miracle both in me and in others - a miracle of Your mercy, wisdom, and power: You change us, enlighten, admonish, cleanse, affirm, pacify, heal, sanctify. Glory to Thee, King of forces! God! I thank You for Your powers, which were revealed in me during the Polyeleos Matins against the spirits of malice that troubled, scorched and oppressed me! Oh, how quickly You heard and saved me from their cruelty when I fell with faith before Your throne! Glory and thanksgiving to You, Almighty King! Grant me, Lord, to work diligently for You alone, so that I do not work for the flesh, the world and the ruler of the world, for if I do not work for You, then I must work for the most absurd, dishonorable, and deadly passions. N.B. Today it’s like winter: there’s a lot of snow, snowy clouds, brown, like thick smoke, covered the entire sky. Breaking ice in the bay. Wild passions still live in me: I became indignant in spirit and became embittered with Father Lamanov for not inviting me to test with the girls at the women’s gymnasium, although I am another in the Cathedral, and my classes are in the gymnasium. Do I still know how to behave in the gymnasium?.. If someone doesn’t like me, then I shouldn’t resist evil and shouldn’t get irritated, or imagine revenge in word or deed. It’s not my business - women’s trials, let them manage without me; It’s not good for me to poke around everywhere. Yes, I know my business. We must also respect the orders of Providence. The Lord saves you from temptations. Glory to Him! How passionate I am! Where am I good for? This embarrassment due to not being invited to the exam shows my pride, ambition, and cowardice. My old man, who still lives in me, is false, and I must despise and kill him. May God be everything to me, may I not be indignant at anything earthly. God! Grant me to speak and act according to the inspiration of Your Holy Spirit, and not according to the inspiration of the spirit of malice that slanders me every day. Sin spares no one: neither the king, nor the subject, nor the nobleman, nor the simple, nor the rich, nor the poor, neither slave nor free, neither man nor woman - it defiles everyone, darkens everyone, drives them into rage and anger, makes everyone absurd at times, therefore the shepherd of the Church must treat everyone impartially, reprove everyone, admonish, enlighten, not see in person what is criminal, but to judge a righteous court, not to fear anyone, not to be servile to anyone, but to be a free servant of the Lord, above the passions and sinful views of men. I thank the Lord, who yesterday at Vespers and after evening prayer saved me from the fierce arrows of the evil one (on the occasion of indignation against Fathers Paul and Matthew). The devil teaches us to look at the innocent and well-intentioned actions of our neighbors slyly, to interpret them crookedly, inside out. Incites anger towards them for allegedly insulting us. But let all wickedness and all malice flee from us, as from the brethren, far away - let us leave them to the culprit, let them oppress him and burn him with the eternal flame of Gehenna. Go to the Liturgy as if you were going to a royal wedding feast - with joy, reverence, and in holiness. Always pray in grace, sincerely, pronouncing every word from the heart. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me the boldness to commit two marriages. April 30, Friday. Why do I rage and shout at the poor, when it is in my will to give or not give alms? What will I do with my rage and scream? Will I enlighten them? Won't they laugh at me? But most importantly, one must give alms with love and a spirit of meekness, with zeal, with willingness, as if serving Christ Himself. And is rage and shouting appropriate for the servant of the meek Lord Jesus, of whom it is said: He will not contradict, He will not cry, and no one will hear His voice in the streets [glory: on the crossroads] [Matt. 12, 19 ]? But I cry out to the poor like a lion, and at the crossroads, at the crossroads of the streets, my voice is heard. Oh, truly, I would be blessed if for the sake of Christ I became poor, exhausting my wealth on the truly poor. But the devil wants to destroy the fruits of alms through my rage against the poor. For what price is mercy given with anger and vexation? Since we are strangers and strangers and travelers to the heavenly Kingdom, we do not need to burden ourselves with worries about everyday things, to become addicted to earthly goods: wealth, sweets, distinctions, so that these worries and addictions do not falter us in the field we travel, so that, especially, they do not falter us at the hour of death and make it shameful. A Christian, while still here on earth, must get used to living a life above: in fasting, non-covetousness, prayer, love, meekness, kindness, patience, courage, mercy. How difficult it is at the hour of death for a person who in this life had money, or food and drink, or earthly honors as his idol! Now all this will serve him nothing, and yet his heart is tightly attached to them and does not have the true treasure that gives him life, that is, virtue. So, in order to make it easier to die, and everyone must die, one should not love anything in the world. Having food and clothing, we will be satisfied with these (1 Tim. 6:8). We cared about the outer decoration alone, desiring good vestments, despising the inner godlike tabernacle 46 - the soul and its clothing, woven from the Holy Spirit: humility, gentleness, obedience, purity, alms, non-covetousness, faith, hope and love. In a state of irritation, do not reprimand anyone; if you do, always do it with meekness, quietness and love. In the south (Church Glav.) – which one. Flatters (Church Glav.) – seduces, deceives. George (c.776 – 820/21), saint, archbishop of Mytilene (April 7/20). He suffered under the Byzantine emperor Leo V the Armenian (813–820). According to an anonymous life, George was born on the western coast of Asia Minor into a rich and pious family. After the death of his parents, at the age of 18, he entered a monastery, where he stayed for two years. Then he labored on the island of Lesbos, living there as an ascetic in a cave. After the death of the bishop of Mytilene (804), George, at the age of 28, was elected as his successor. After nine years of archbishop's service, George was oppressed by the ruler of the city and was forced to go to Constantinople in search of justice. At this time, Leo V ascended the throne and resumed the persecution of icons. George, who refused to accept the policy of the emperor, together with Saint Nikephoros I, Patriarch of Constantinople, and other clergy, was exiled to an island near Constantinople. George lived here as an ascetic and became known for his miraculous deeds. He died of illness on April 7 at the age of 45. Saint Methodius, Patriarch of Constantinople, after the restoration of icon veneration, transferred his relics with honors to Mytilene. Two homilies for Good Friday are attributed to St. George. Rozhdiye (Church Slavic) – a branch, a young branch. Ouds (Church Slavic) are close members. Ghost (Church Slavic) - here in the meaning of “false representation.” Zealous (Church Slavic) – hot-tempered, unrestrained, prone to arguments and quarrels. Prizor oches (Church Slavic) – an unfriendly, envious look. Zeal (Church Glav.) – extreme zeal, jealousy. Peter, the righteous, former tax collector (VI century), was a stingy man who never gave alms. One day, when Peter was leading a donkey loaded with bread, a beggar approached him, asking for alms. Peter became enraged and threw bread at the beggar, since there was nothing else at hand to throw at him. Two days later, Peter fell seriously ill, so that he was close to death, and he had a vision as if he was standing in court and his deeds were being weighed on scales. Evil spirits put on the scales many evil deeds that he had committed during his life, but the Angels did not find anything that could be put on the other side of the scales, except for the bread that Peter threw at the beggar - and this bread outweighed. After this vision, Peter gave away all his property and voluntarily went into slavery to a pious man. He achieved holiness and was granted the gift of miracles. The memory of righteous Peter, a former publican, is celebrated on September 22 / October 5. Filaret the Merciful, the righteous († 792). Having inherited a huge fortune from his father, he began to help the poor so generously that he soon lost a significant part of it, and the invasion of the Arabs completed his ruin. But soon Philaret’s granddaughter was chosen as the wife of the young emperor, and he again became rich, but did not change his life and continued his charitable activities even more energetically. Memory 1/14 December. Andrew, holy fool for Christ's sake, blessed († 936). Having accepted the feat of foolishness, blessed Andrew wandered through the streets of Constantinople, endured abuse and beatings, stole food from the market and distributed the collected alms to the poor. Memory 2/15 October. John the Merciful, son of the Cypriot leader Epiphanius; since 609 Patriarch of Alexandria. Cared for the poor Prespejati (Church Glav.) – to prosper, from “spejati” – to grow. Besprikladny (church-glory) – unparalleled, incomparable. Vynu (Church Glav.) – always, at all times. Prayer of St. John Chrysostom about following the future to sleep (24 prayers according to the number of hours of the day and night - prayer 8th, night). Navetovati (Church Slavic) - here in the meaning of “slander”, “slander”. Canon of St. Andrew of Crete. Tuesday. Song 2. We diligently cared for the outer decorations alone, despising the inner godlike tabernacle. You might be interested in: