Август

I thank the Lord, who, in His unconditional mercy, accepted my repentance for my anger against my family in the morning (once) and against the poor three times, who did not imprison my passionate soul in death. I thank the Lord, who heeded my prayer of repentance and did not leave me in cramped conditions and confusion, but gave me peace and space. Glory to His forbearance! I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness while reading the Gospel of Luke. I thank the Lord, who blessed my journey across the sea to the northern side of it (the Gulf of Finland) and on the forward journey, who sent us a fair wind after silence (calm), and on the return journey, who kept us safe while sailing on a military boat in a strong and gusty wind from the southeast. We walked forward on a military boat. Glory to the Lord, who did not destroy me with my iniquities, but who lovingly had mercy on me and all my companions. I thank the Lord for the unanimity of my family. I thank the Lord for my relatives who cordially entertained me, may the Most Merciful have mercy on them. August 3. Friday. There is nothing worse than smoking tobacco and eating fish at night, or meat, or cheese: tobacco makes your mouth and the room where you smoke disgusting; from fish, meat, cheese - in the reproductive parts and back. (At night I ate eel and whitefish.) Why am I always full and satiated? Why don’t I subject myself to fasting and fasting for the sake of the Kingdom of God? Is it not because I always eat and drink sweetly and contently that my flesh is enraged by pride, fornication, malice, envy, pride, selfishness, disobedience, disobedience, insolence and other passions? I reproach the poor and others for idleness, laziness, and drunkenness, but don’t I do the same thing myself? Why don’t I reproach myself and reproach myself most severely? In judging them, am I not judging myself? Will I not be judged by the same (strict) court as I judge them? Good God! Have mercy on me, enlighten me and save me! I have lost my way, accursed one, and have not yet learned the right path. But still have patience with me, Lord! Let me keep fasting and fasting in honor of Your Most Pure Mother to the best of my ability. August 4th. Saturday. Things and actions that lead to fornication are the following: excess in food and drink, smoking tobacco (excites carnal passions), theatre, looking with pleasure at beautiful faces, voluptuous paintings, magnificent actresses, reading books containing a description of carnal love, dancing, voluptuous conversations. A Christian must have a different love and other pleasures - spiritual, heavenly, which the Holy Church delivers in abundance to those who wish in her worship, in her readings, chants, rituals, sacraments, teachings, in the reading of the word of God. A Christian has lusts, but these lusts are heavenly, spiritual, holy; earthly lusts, charming and disastrous, he is removed by all means, for they corrupt his soul and body and remove him from God, the source of life and true, eternal sweetness. If your family does something inappropriate in relation to things that are not directly prohibited, but indifferent, for example, when they spend money on photographic portraits, do not be upset with them because of this, but look at it condescendingly, because you would not deny yourself this, even if they took money from you for painting. After I had not served in church for a whole week, today on Sunday at early mass it was very difficult for me: my voice was weak, rattling, as if from a flooded heart or from a flooded larynx, there was fear in the heart, very little boldness, all sick, weak, as if shaky, and this, I think, was from yesterday’s oatmeal, radish, vodka, coffee and tea. And today’s walk in the air before the early liturgy did not serve me to my advantage, but rather to my detriment. I picked up dampness, which relaxes the body. After communion of the Holy Mysteries, he suddenly became animated. I thank the Lord, who raised me again from spiritual death. To the young widow A.K. I have to live with children, and I probably won’t be for long, because 44 years of my life have already passed. So, let me supply them, let them be remembered well after death and pray. On August 6, on the Feast of the Transfiguration, the enemy presented a voluptuous picture in a dream before the very early mass, and the seeds almost began to flow out - the tension was extreme. Immediately getting up and washing my face, I read the prayer against defilement and then the morning prayers. The cause of such a vile dream was myself, a carnal and voluptuous person, addicted to the pleasures of the flesh, and unaccustomed to enduring illness or pain, for example in the legs, I was impatient, murmuring, and cowardly. Forgive, Lord, long-suffering and abundantly merciful. Early mass. Woe I felt during mass from yesterday’s satiation (I ate a sweet pie with black currants and did not take a walk); the enemy was devouring me, I felt stuffy, cramped, I was falling into despair. I had no spiritual strength, I was like an outcast; served loudly, with effort. After communion he came to life and was encouraged. He spoke the prayers to the communicants firmly, and took communion with tenderness, remembering his misfortune, from which he was saved by the grace of God. At night, the lustful excitement was strongest, it resonated bitterly in me. I thank the Lord, who graciously had mercy on me many times on this day (August 7, Tuesday), when I, having sinned against hostility, cried out to Him in sincere repentance for my salvation; Oh, how longed for and timely God’s salvation came to me in a breath of subtle coolness, in destruction from the bonds of sin, in freedom of spirit and body, in peace, boldness, joy and triumph of the spirit, in a clear feeling of God’s mercy and the presence of God. Glory to God, our Savior, long-tempered, gracious, abundantly merciful, generous, benevolent and quick to obey. Behold, He is with us always, until the end of the age of each of us and the age of this world. Amen. August 8. Seven and a half o'clock in the morning. I greedily ate fish and a roll and drank two glasses of strong tea (and earlier I drank two glasses at a party), and when I soon went to bed, I fell asleep for half an hour, woke up and could no longer sleep, I felt tightness and as if bitten by fleas; I couldn’t sleep on either side. He got up, got dressed and went for a walk around the yard and walked with E.V. Nektarev two or three hours (eleventh, twelfth and first). Then he came home, lay down and soon fell asleep. You don't need to eat at night. I drank milk this morning on a whim, but as if for health, and it fell heavily on my heart, and on my whole body. I walked to the gymnasium with difficulty and from there, I wanted to sleep, I couldn’t study with Chistyakov at home, laziness, yawning, and drowsiness set in. No, I won’t drink milk or anything in the morning, because nature doesn’t require it. I sinned by breaking my fast. Strong prodigal inclination due to non-fasting. I sinned before God and before my wife (and my family) by waywardness and stubbornness, by sending late in the evening, in defiance of my wife, who did not want to [bother] the servant Fevronya, for beer (I only drank half a glass). I sinned before God and before my wife that I was offended by her when she began to reprimand me that I drank a lot of wine from fellow countryman Sverlov and left home because of her grumbling. I sinned that at Father Matthew’s, a comrade, on the day of his Angel, today he spoke with disdain and hostility about his sister-in-law Anna K. and about pampering children, about her vanity, self-indulgence, pride, laziness. I sinned that I did not say goodbye to my wife, going to bed, having a grudge against her in my heart. It is impossible not to see in her remark that she is reprimanding me out of love, out of frugality, but not out of reason. Partly, perhaps, at the instigation of his sister, who needs to put her tail away and keep her tongue shut. I recognize myself as guilty before my wife and family and humble myself before them; I’m not angry, I’m not embittered, but on the contrary, I’ll try to caress them, calm them down, apologize to them without humiliating myself. Grant, Lord! Show your usual mercy, kindness, wisdom, and strength in reconciling those at war. Be, amen. I sinned before God and people - by poking at the feet of a beggar boy in my anger for frequently asking for alms and chasing me. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness given to me during the prayer service to the Lord, the Most Pure Mother of God and Martyr Paraskeva after the religious procession in Fedorov’s house on Ekaterininskaya Street. Then the Lord had mercy on me. He sinned before God - in embarrassment and annoyance at the inaction of his sister-in-law Anna, telling her (asking her) to bother altering the duckweed into a cassock (August 10). And he outraged himself, and made her more stubborn, proud and harsh, rebellious. I sinned before God, but they are not innocent either, she and my wife. I’m like a thorn in their side, going to Father Matthew on the day of his Angel. They hate him and his wife. And in fact, my special sister-in-law felt that the acquaintances of Father Matthew’s wife from Gatchina were telling her pranks that she had committed during her husband’s life. But may the Lord not remember her untruths, if he sincerely admits them, and may I not remember them. Today I also sinned against myself - I became irritated, agitated, and indignant. I thank the Lord for hearing my prayer when I walked along the rampart behind the citadel and the pond; The Lord did a wonderful thing both with me, repentant and groaning, and with my household - and He brought them to pity for me, softening their hearts. My wife accuses me of the truth so strongly that I sometimes drink a lot of wine, and it is only out of pride that I take offense at her for this. Oh, if only I would just as zealously and urgently, at the right time and at the wrong time, expose my sinning spiritual children, entrusted by God to my leadership! But in fact, it doesn’t take long to get involved in wine drinking! The enemy is cunning, and the flesh is passionate! Excess in food and drink, especially in wine, becomes an excess of tightness and malice for the next and subsequent days, until through prayer and fasting we drive out this malice from our soul and from our body. Anger and enmity terribly shake our entire being, especially mine, weak and multi-passionate. Not having dinner at all: I ate a little salmon with black bread, and it became heavy; In the morning, neither eat nor drink anything. Amen, amen. Evening. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness and for the gift of prayer during the all-night vigil: throughout the entire all-night vigil the flame of prayer did not go out. I praise God's mercy. After the all-night vigil there was confession. He confessed calmly and diligently, at ease. I asked the Lord for this through prayer. After confession, he left the church and gave food to the poor; he was angry with the young men and blamed them for their inaction (and they have no work or place), some at the church, and others at the fence of the church house; He pinched one boy’s hair and called them dirty tricks, slackers, naughty people. Meanwhile, he himself is subject to the same condemnation. For all this, sorrow, oppression, thorns, confusion befell me, and I found no peace. Having arrived home, I prayed from the depths of my soul to the Lord, sincerely repenting of what I had done, and soon the quick-to-obey Lord had mercy on me. Glory to His long-suffering upon me, His mercy and bounty. For the future, let me hold back my anger. The all-night vigil today was sweet for me, like heavenly paradise. The generous Lord has changed me with a kind change. I hope that everything will be given to me, for which I asked the Lord: the singers will arrive, and the Guardianship will be established, and I will be established, and the flock will be established in piety. Delight yourself in the Lord, it is said, and He will give you the petitions of your heart [Ps. 36, 4]. How terribly I work for corruption and sin. Before the all-night vigil yesterday, I decided not to eat or drink until the first hour of the next day (except for Divine Communion), and having come home and reading a book, I changed my intention when my wife came and offered to eat, and I myself had drunk a glass and a half of beer earlier. Why didn’t I follow the example of my Lord, when the thought of food and drink came to me, saying to the tempter: “It is not by bread alone (or by beer and eggs or milk) that man shall live, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God [Matt. 4, 4 ]? So the prodigal warfare took place at night, and when it stopped, my back ached from the multitude and weight of the seeds, and more from beer and milk and black bread. I repeat again: never have any dinner. Gluttony is idolatry. O idolater, whose belly is God [Phil. 3, 19 ]! Humble servant of God Father Gabriel Lyubimov; he does not look at other people's sins. He does not condemn the high and rich, does not despise them, but prays for them and gives them due honor - an example to me, a sinner. I thank the Lord for His miracle: I prayed to Him secretly from my heart, that He might take away from my heart all hostility towards my sister Anna Konstantinovna, and now I felt freedom and peace in my soul, and Anna Konstantinovna came to me with great affection and an offer of services. Glory to His mercy, His goodness! For yesterday’s [prayer] to Christ, the true Light, I thank the Lord and for all the wonderful service, for the abundant grace on me and on all the people ahead. God of miracles! Glory to You! Conqueror of hell, Lord! Glory to You! Resurrection. Late mass. I was most cruelly mistaken in my carnal calculations: late last night I drank a glass and a half of beer, a glass of milk and a soft-boiled egg, as if for my voice and to strengthen my strength, but what came out was extreme exhaustion and relaxation of spirit and body, a terrible tightness inside - as if bursting with rods, cowardice, despondency, timidity, fear during divine services, abandonment of grace. With bitter tears and long tears, I begged God for some relief. The voice was weak, feeble, rattling. But the communion of the Holy Mysteries miraculously revived, pacified, encouraged me, I spoke the conversation with boldness; After consuming the Holy Gifts, he completely revived and changed in his being: he became light, peaceful, free, and joyful. I thank the Lord. At home after mass, the Lord saved me from hostility toward my sister Anna K. I thank the Lord! He joked heartily with the children and kept them busy. My old man still lives his terrible life in me, envy of my neighbor’s well-being still rises in me (the illumination for the Tsar on the wall, or the contentment of the household, or the wealth of the brethren of St. Andrew’s Cathedral, collected by greed and hard-heartedness), and ill-will, even at home, and pride with contempt (for example, Liza takes Anyuta’s servant with her to the illumination, but I would never took; or, for example, I treat the poor harshly, obstinately), and a lustful eye, and lustful desires, and greed for food and drink and for money, and lack of compassion and hardness of heart, and wickedness, and anger with irritability. There are also good firstfruits, but only firstfruits, and that is from the grace of God, not from me. Oh, how damned I am and worthy of a cloud of tears. Do not forget your previous sins, which the Lord’s immeasurable compassion forgave you. May they serve you to humility. Just as at the sight of beggars demanding alms, my heart shrinks, becomes embarrassed, becomes addicted to money, feeling sorry for it and becoming embittered towards the beggars - so perhaps this also happens with those from whom you ask for benefits for the poor: at the sight of you, their hearts shrink and harden (for example, with Tsepov). Be simple and generous, and they will be simple and generous to you. The giving of a rich merchant to the poor is like a drop in the ocean. God has given you much: willingly give a little to the poor for God’s sake. Monday. My joy, the Lord Jesus Christ, was wonderfully glorified in me today during the Liturgy. During the liturgy, and even before the liturgy, I was extremely pressed by an evil adversary, and, moreover, the crowding came from the fact that my stomach was strengthened, and from the fact that at night I ate Lenten pie with fish and ate raw apples, but did not drink tea, did not warm my stomach, did not moisturize the food, did not dissolve it. However, the enemy was pressing most of all, I felt this very clearly. During the liturgy I was almost in despair; I could not speak any other words from cramped conditions, despondency, timidity, and cowardice. But as soon as I received communion of the Holy Mysteries, I rose from the dead: all troubles, all oppression, fear, all cowardice and despondency disappeared; confusion was replaced by calm, cramped space - by space, cowardice and fear - by boldness, deadness - by full life, despondency - by joy and hope, grumbling - by thanksgiving. Glory to the miracles of Your Holy Mysteries, Christ! Glory to Your Divine Liturgy! Glory to Thy Saint John Chrysostom, our warm prayer book for us before You and all Thy saints, our prayers and our intercessors for us before You and the heavenly saints, the most luminous, terrible Powers who serve us! Eleven o'clock in the evening. During Vespers, I was overcome by extreme, angry despondency - I was angry with the sexton for singing badly and sometimes inattentively: for this I suffered terribly, was embarrassed, in cramped conditions and pressure throughout Vespers, and the bad state of my stomach helped the same thing, that is, despondency! In the evening I felt relieved from eating sweet raspberries, red currants and apples and soup. The enemy of God and man strives to turn our entire life daily and every night and evening into fun, all the needs of our nature inside out, as a joke or for the empty pleasure of the flesh. He achieves this through theaters, clubs, drinking houses, taverns, through luxury, extravagance, drunkenness, through fornication and through fornication houses. Let the one who reads understand [Matt. 24, 15], may he adhere to the word of God, the Church, church services and church statutes. Create in remembrance of Me [Lk. 22, 19]. Our nature is so sinful that it easily forgets God’s blessings to us and even the greatest of blessings – the incarnation, suffering and death of the Son of God for us, while carnal and sinful deeds are constantly on its mind, in memory, and in action. Therefore, so that the greatest work of God in the world - His incarnation, suffering and death for the world - would not be forgotten and would always be memorable and beneficial for our lives, the Lord Himself commanded that the Sacrament of His Body and Blood be performed in His remembrance. To commemorate the great deeds of the creation of the world, Vespers is performed, after which, however, the remembrance of the sacrament of the Incarnation is also performed, for Jesus Christ is the Sun around Whom all services revolve. You are orphans, orphans - Christians who left Christ and His Church and fell in love with secular entertainment, theaters and various places of earthly pleasures. What will happen to you on your sick bed, and especially at the hour of death and after death? You are bitter orphans, unmourned. Approach yourself quickly to your God while there is time, and do not alienate yourself. The world and the devil, and right there your many-passionate flesh, direct all their efforts to alienate you from God and from eternal life. Wealth, honors, pleasures, luxury, all vices, all literature, arts, arts - everything is aimed at alienating you from God. Yesterday, August 13, in the evening, I had a good time at the bottom, and I felt great freedom in my sides and stomach; It was in vain that I ate roast fish and marinated salmon in the evening. The voice at mass was the clearest. The Lord consoled us after communion with forgiveness, peace, life-giving fire, boldness, and tenderness. Glory to the Lord! Before mass, when we went to serve a prayer service to the stove master on Gospodskaya Street in [Filatov’s] house, the Lord heard my prayer of repentance and granted peace. And it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me [Gal. 2, 20]. Love... does not seek its own [1 Cor. 13, 5]. Put aside self-love, live for others as for yourself, and do not be considered, do not envy the peace and well-being of those at home who do little. Do it yourself and, most importantly, love God and your neighbors to the point of selflessness. I sinned before God and people and before myself by looking with an evil eye with greed, envy and anger at those who consumed meat on the eve of the Dormition in my house, that is, in my apartment, and I myself was cruelly wounded. I repented from my heart, and the Lord extended a hand of help and mercy. Let them eat whatever they want - my food and my drink - the Most Pure Body and the Most Pure Blood of the Lord, the food that abides in the eternal belly. Let me think about this, and not about perishable waste. Do not do the evil that perishes, but do the evil that abides in the eternal life which the Son of Man gave you [Jn. 6, 27]. [Four] and a half o'clock in the evening. Well, it’s an eye: and the more, more satisfyingly you eat, the more crafty, greedy, insatiable, stingy, cruel it is, lascivious, envious, proud, cruel! Fed up, but still not enough! The cup is full of everything, but everything is not enough, and one becomes despondent, sad, angry, angry, bursting with frustration! Here's a man! What a beast! Dormition of the Mother of God. In the morning, a bright thought: wombs and meat will be destroyed. Therefore, take care of the incorruptible earth. From gluttony there is only heaviness, eclipse of thought and heart, dumbness, bestiality, rage, envy, malice, fornication. At the beginning of mass, when the deacon says the great litany, the priest should not worry about himself and ask God, but about everyone and general salvation, about the salvation of souls, about the peace of the whole world, and so on. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me with the life-giving fire of the Divine Mysteries of His Body and Blood, and burned away all my sins, and sanctified, pacified, comforted, and expanded my heart. He read the prayer behind the pulpit loudly. Smoking is an abomination and a dirty trick; By the way, I had a strong emission from smoking last night: I had a dream, an unclean action. I see even more clearly that the spirit of hostility towards Anna K. was from the devil, who persecuted her through me, just as the real act of fornication with her in a dream was from him; However, it was not she who was to blame, but me, I exposed her. Oh, the most ridiculous smoking! How do I allow myself, even occasionally, to smoke cigars, this dope, this feces, this disgrace, this infection, this plague! How much I suffered today during the morning because of yesterday’s half a cigar, smoked in the evening, after milk! My insides and my lips were bound by the stench of tobacco, I could barely speak, and I could not pronounce other words at all! Through smoking, it was as if the evil one had penetrated into me and entwined himself around my heart. August 16, 1873. It was through tobacco that I experienced a profuse outpouring of seeds and, as a result, a loss of strength. Smoking ruins your complexion, plunges you into powerlessness, into decrepitness, and spoils your blood. Food is the culprit of many sins, many disordered movements in the multi-passionate flesh and in the heart. You need to eat and drink extremely carefully, and you should not smoke at all. This is stupidity. Read and read the word of God. Night defilements cause a terrible revolution in the state of health, and they corrupt mental and physical purity. Abstinence in everything! I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me after receiving the Holy Mysteries during the Liturgy; I have risen again from the dead. Oh, wonderful liturgy! Life-giving liturgy! This is where the key of living water is! This is where the source of eternal life is! Many do not know, do not understand and do not find this! But I behave unworthy of such a treasure, I use God’s mercy and long-suffering for evil, for I sin mercilessly. I will praise the name of the Lord psalmically, for it is good, for His mercy is upon me forever [Ps. 117, 29 ]; and today he saved me more than once when I called on Him in the sorrow and crampedness of my soul after my sin, and today he gave me tears of tenderness during the all-night vigil and firm hope in the fulfillment of the prayer for the establishment of the Guardianship of the Poor and the Workers' Home. I'll see what happens. And today the Lord vouchsafed me to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for all this. Thank you for the gift of mental and physical health, however, there was a lustful and angry attraction; I saved myself from them by prayer. Sin penetrated all of me. To Vasily Afan. in Karpov's house, to Sharapov's son-in-law, to Taratin. The true, inexhaustible wealth of a person is his soul, created in the image and likeness of God, immortal, priceless. When the Lord said: what profit is it to man? if he gains the whole world, but loses his own soul [Matt. 16, 26], then He showed by this that the soul is the true wealth of man, before which (wealth) the world is nothing, all his goods are nothing. And the wealth of the soul is God in the heart, simplicity, holiness, truth. Poor! Cheer up! - acquire your souls! Rich and noble, do not be proud - quickly grab your soul. For breaking the fast and gluttony and satiety with the English pastor on Friday, August 17, I paid with cramped conditions and the impoverishment of God’s grace; even after communion the next day. And tonight (while I’m writing) an unclean dream happened and I almost had a desecration. This is the delight of female beauty! You don’t need to eat yesterday’s cabbage, moreover, an excess of cabbage favors an increase in scrofula; Itching from them yesterday and today, I couldn’t sleep at night. Do not eat herring at night: the prodigal warfare greatly disturbed you all night, and like seeds when storing graces. did not come out, it was as if scrofulous matter fell into their place, like lava. Don't eat meat. Rather, use your rotten life for the glory of God. I revere, Lord, before the laws of procreation and its organs and before the beauty of Your image, the crown of Your creation, from which people are born. I revere all Your creative laws in all creatures, according to which they are formed, born and multiply, and before the expediency, beauty and greatness of all Your works. May this reverence always be present in me. Wake up! Today they unctioned the old merchant, the venerable Lev Dmitriev, who was suddenly struck by weakness and blindness. Cursed, and poor, and poor, and blind, and naked, and spiritually powerless, I was at the unction. Sin, the devil abused me extremely; I was confused, fearful, cowardly, crafty, cold, and, feeling myself as such, I cried in the uncleanness, poverty and deceit of my heart, weakened by voluptuousness and satiety. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform the Divine Liturgy and to partake of the revival of my soul in the Divine Mysteries. He spoke a word according to Metropolitan Gregory about how one should not desire to be rich. The Lord raises us from corruption to incorruption, from earth to heaven, from time to eternity. We must always remember this, and this conviction should be the beginning of our activities. Therefore, despise earthly pleasures, even innocent ones, allowed so as not to be bound by worldly lusts and pleasures; despise earthly, vain, transitory wealth, earthly, insignificant and false honors. Be content with the few things you need. Yesterday evening I sinned - I was full of apple pie and a glass of milk: I shouldn’t have drunk at all at night; from satiety at night there was a strong perspiration and in general the lust of the flesh intensified. Monday. I thank the most merciful and benevolent Lord, who heard my prayer to forgive me every sin, take away the impurity of my soul and help me perform a prayer service with the blessing of water before the beginning of the teaching. At first the voice betrayed me, it was deaf, difficult, and then, after reading the Gospel, the grace of God penetrated me like a coal of fire, and the voice appeared sonorous and strong, and boldness, and the whole prayer service was completed safely, with strength, boldness, warmth; Only during the water-blessing prayer he got a little confused, doubting himself, but did not stop, and now, having missed several sayings, he began to speak further and to the end. He stole the words: for You are the ecu of our sanctification... I did not pray for the Tsar and the Synod and the Metropolitan, and this is wrong. We must force ourselves to do this and not give up, not be afraid of the fear of the demonic, its wiles. This is the apostolic commandment [1 Tim. 2, 1 – 2]. I thank the Lord, who saved me through the prayer of my repentance from grief over the seamstress Daria Sevastyanovna, that she casually greeted me in response to my greeting, while my wife and sisters-in-law greeted me diligently. I was surprised at her insensitivity and callousness, ingratitude - I don’t deserve this; wished due respect to my rank. Teach me kindness, Lord! My eye is deceitful. Kindly treat the unkind, give gifts to the ungrateful, soften him with something. Against carnal love - endless beauty, endless unity, endless sweetness, endless holiness and truth - God; earthly beauty is pus; earthly sweetness is coarse, momentary, unclean; earthly copulation is momentary and entails exhaustion, powerlessness, often illness and death, while union with God increases strength to strength, immeasurably increases sweetness and bliss. Be dead to the sin of prodigal sin, to the sin of envy, pride, selfishness, stinginess, hard-heartedness, gluttony, drunkenness, laziness, waywardness, disobedience, negligence, but be alive to God and to all virtue. In the morning at four o'clock the merchant Lev Dmitriev, 82 years old, died. I thank the Lord, who gave me tenderness and tears in my spiritual distress from the consciousness and feeling of my extreme weakness, poverty, wretchedness and blindness, and who revived me through the communion of His Divine Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who gave me the verb to evangelize people and help me pronounce the funeral eulogy for Lev Dmitriev. On the eve of this day, I had a dream that deeply saddened me, as if I, while studying at the Academy at the present time and having arrived quite late in the Academic building, fell in with the rector, His Eminence Macarius 118, who received me with great severity and disdain, recognized me as drunk when I was sober, and did not accept any excuses; he himself was having fun with some boys. (This is a lesson for me and a punishment for the beggars, whom I reproach for drunkenness and often unfairly; yesterday I tore one by the hair.) Tsvetkov Nikolai Konstantinovich - examiner; I didn't respond to his threads. What cramping is all the carnal pleasures of food and drink for the soul, not to mention sexual pleasures? What a burden they are for the soul, what death! How the soul is scattered, exhausted from them, how the very word freezes on its lips! And we are all numb, and we all rush to carnal pleasures, but we move away from God, the source of life, strength, peace, joy, health, true and endless glory, or we want to combine service to God and the world, and the flesh and the devil, forgetting that [whoever] wants to be a friend to the world, the flesh and the devil, he becomes the enemy of God [Jas. 4:4], for is not the enemy of God the glutton, whose belly is God, is not the enemy of God the fornicator and adulterer, even if only in his heart and in his eyes? Isn’t God’s enemy the lover of money, who sells truth for money and exchanges truth for lies, who oppresses his neighbor because of money, who deprives a worker of his wages, or who, out of stinginess, allows the poor to die of hunger and cold! I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly heard my prayer of repentance after my rashness, after my contempt, my love of money and my anger, my heartfelt fornication, and who saved me every time. The Lord performs two greatest miracles during the Liturgy: the first is that he transforms bread and wine into His Body and Blood, and the second is that he sincerely, with faith, transforms the person receiving communion from a sinner into a righteous one, from unclean to pure, from corruptible to incorruptible. Wonderful thing! One serves as confirmation of another miracle: by receiving communion, I am internally transformed, renewed, revived, and from this miracle I conclude the truth of that first miracle, that is, bread and wine were transformed into the Body and Blood of Jesus Christ by the Holy Spirit. I am equally convinced of the sinfulness and destruction of gluttony and drunkenness for the soul, for these addictions produce in the soul lustful thoughts that destroy the soul, irritability, anger, malice, envy, despondency, hard-heartedness and other sins. Don’t trust a beggar or a drunken man even one bit, even though he sometimes stays sober for a long time out of need, and don’t give him a penny; if you take pity on him and give him money for shoes or clothes, he will drink and reproach you, and disgrace you to the whole world, and pollute the air with foul language, and annoy the ears of men. So today the beggar Ivanov, an apparent philosopher and theologian, but in fact a child of the devil, cursed me. How tired I am of him and how he disgraced me and armed me against all the beggars! It was Satan himself incarnate! God, the all-seeing and righteous, judge him! (It was not he, but the wine that did this - it is his fault that he allowed himself to get drunk.) Resurrection. Early mass. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the purification, sanctification and revival of the Holy, Divine, immortal and life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who called me to prayer after mass during the service of six prayer services and did not allow me to spend this time (morning and noon) in idleness; I thank the Lord for strengthening my bodily strength with sleep during late mass; I thank the Lord for the solemn, joyful, peaceful performance of prayers preceding and accompanying baptism (at ten o’clock in the evening in Turygin’s basement). I thank the Lord, who allowed me to celebrate early mass for the servant of God Leo Dmitriev today, Monday, August 27, with a good voice; I thank the Lord, who came to help me after communion of His Holy Mysteries, when the spirit of malice cast a scorching fire of anger into my heart against the reader Alexei (Preobrazhensky) for his inattention to my comments on how to sing the liturgy (I was in a hurry to sing, especially communicant); when I could not find the strength in myself to get rid of the violence of anger because of my carnality and habit of sin, and I earnestly called on the Lord for help, confessing my sin and my extreme powerlessness in the fight against it, then the Lord immediately interceded and delivered me, condescending to my faith and prayer, and I calmed down, for the enemy was gone, the sin was blotted out, I had mercy. Glory to the Lord and His life-giving Mysteries, saving me. I also thank the Lord, who, through my prayer, stopped the prodigal movements of my heart, which worried and confused me when I went on the procession in front of the young girl Bogdanova. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the cramped conditions and despondency into which I fell when I was defeated by the adversary while reading the Gospel of the Mother of God (from Luke) and by its action I missed the words: behold, as if the voice of Thy kiss was in my ear... and so on. to the words and speech of Mariam [Lk. 1, 44 – 46]. O ethereal villain! How it always and everywhere intensifies to defile me even more, even without that bad, to confuse, embarrass, darken, sadden. What would happen to me if the Lord did not save me as often as sin and the bodiless enemy often tempt me? I thank the Lord, who took away from my heart the confusion and anger towards my wife, who opposed my will not to keep chickens and a rooster at home and began to speak angrily. Grant me, Lord, to agree with her in necessary things and not to be a wayward despot in the house, so that my wife will be my adviser, according to Your word. I thank the Lord, who has poured out His greatest mercy on me even now in the communion of His Divine Mysteries: He pacified me, spread me, brought me into tearful tenderness. Glory to the Lord, who raises me, a dead man, to life every day. The faith of Christ makes me a man, and from me, a many-headed beast, it makes me a man in the image of God; and by many chapters I mean numerous and often one opposite passions, for example, carnal love and anger, pride and humiliation, grandeur and servility, insolence and timidity and cowardice, stinginess and wastefulness, readiness for everything that is not entirely permitted and stubbornness when consent or action was needed, and excessive pickiness in food (so as not to eat a piece, a drop of the meager) and satiety, negligence, laziness, quarrel over empty things, envy of the welfare of one's neighbor, despondency, despair, grumbling, impatience, vanity, deceit, doubt in the established truth, ingratitude, treachery, lies, deception, betrayal, humiliation of others, self-praise, self-satisfaction. [It has been noticed] that a drunkard not only destroys and weakens his own nervous system, but also condemns his offspring to mental infirmities. His daughters are nervous and prone to hysterics, his sons are weak, capricious, eccentric and weak-willed. (Brown, inspector of insane asylums in Scotland.) “Son of the Fatherland.” Feuilleton. June 1873 Never eat meat at night: this is fornication, burden, cramped conditions. Blessed are my eyes, which see what kings and prophets desired to see, and did not see [Matt. 13, 13 – 17; OK. 10, 24], that is, the Divine Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ, which I partake of almost daily. What will I repay the Lord for this? - May I love Him with all my heart, may I fulfill all His commandments, may I love my neighbor as I love myself. I thank the Lord for His inexpressible mercy towards me; Yesterday and today I was honored to be revived by the Life-giving Mysteries of the Body and Blood of my God, the Lord Jesus Christ, to be cleansed of the stains of the flesh and spirit. After mass, a prayer service was served in the house of Arch. Ilyin in Citad., then took a walk on the wall; I came home, drank tea, ate some watermelon, drank a glass of sherry, fell asleep and regained my strength perfectly. I thank the Lord. (Yesterday’s fatty food turned out to be harmful and heavy, although it weakened me.) Today is excellent mushroom soup with bay leaves, fried milk mushrooms, baked apples. For everything, thanks be to the Creator. I sinned - I committed madness in my mind: in the evening, on the day of the beheading of the head of the Forerunner, the great faster and martyr, I ate cold fish and eggs and drank beer and sweet tea, as if in desecration of such a great day. For this reason, the sin of gluttony must be joined by the strongest fornication - an unclean vision; I stood up and prayed to the Lord, Whom I had angered, that He might cleanse my sin and have mercy on me, who am so passionate; When I then lay down again, the attack of fornication was extreme until six o’clock in the morning, and I completely got up. Here's fish, here's beer, tea, jam! Drowned in sweets! Gluttony and drunkenness are the source of all vices, and meat-eating and fish-eating, and sweet tea and jam are prodigal sins, therefore the Holy Church, strictly adhering to the Gospel, commanded her children to frequent fasts of one day or many days, but I, a disobedient son, do not fast as I should. Grant me correction, Lord! I thank the Lord and will not cease to thank the Lord for His mercy towards me and the strength shown in me this day and last night in extinguishing my nocturnal fornication passion; I thank the Lord for calling me to prayer (prayer services) in different places in the morning and granting me to celebrate the cathedral liturgy safely, calmly, with boldness, in the presence of military officials. I thank the Lord for granting me to feel the whole truth of the words in the canon of the Cross, the truth that is constantly revealed to me. I thank you for extinguishing in the name of the Lord several times the passionate movements of my heart during the day and evening at the official Alex’s. Fedorovich Fedorov at the name day and at Father Alexander Perov's in the evening. Glory to the Lord and His faith! Truly, one must regret, grieve, cry about the emptiness of people and their mutual relationships, about this gambling in which time is wasted, about this constant smoke of tobacco, which they produce, which they breathe, in which people spend their time in their meetings all day, evening and night. Is there anything more empty, more pitiful, more ungodly than this? Where is the Christian life? Where are the Christian or fellowship conversations? Where is the sound speech, the Christian common sense? There is nothing more accurate that I can compare the taste of a cigar to, like damn shit. And how do they smoke tobacco after that? How do I sometimes allow myself to do this? Dreams are bad. I fly like a moth, I can’t find shelter for myself, everyone is strangers everywhere; my clothes, my duckweed in feces, in an unclean puddle (are not the clothes of my body and soul defiled by the sins of gluttony and satiety and unmercifulness?). We need to talk to Nikitin about trusteeship and to [Svishchev] about cheap apartments. Imagine that today the Judge of ours and the whole world inspects our souls and bodies and our property and finds extreme disorder in all of us: prodigal uncleanness, intemperance, idleness, vanity; another finds hundreds, thousands and millions of money lying idle, although there are hundreds and thousands of poor people before his eyes; Others have the most empty things, useless for anything and cost a lot of money, for example, silver and gold piles or piles of tobacco. Tell me where will the Judge condemn you to for your fault? Do you think about it? Church rituals are parables, they have an important meaning. See the Gospel, the Bible; parallels - burning lamps, censers... fim. many... I thank the Lord, who again gave me life from the dead in the communion of the Most Pure Mysteries of His Body and Blood. Upon arriving home, I smelled cigar smoke in my room (from yesterday’s smoking), and it seemed disgusting to me: I opened the window and barely cleared this muck out. I sinned - I burdened myself with eating buns; I repeat: there is no need to eat in the morning. That man was created in the image of God, this became obvious from the fact that God took upon Himself the image of man and became man, without ceasing to be God. What an important, lofty, saving, soul-delighting truth! The man is adored! What kind of hypocritical faith is it? – Without deeds of love for God and neighbor, without purity and chastity, without meekness and humility, without deeds of mercy, carnal love. I thank the Lord, who again performed the miracle of resurrection from the dead upon my soul yesterday after communion of the Holy Mysteries, and I, the accursed one, soon after mass, neglected the greatest gift I had received: without thirst and being full, I drank coffee with cream and rolls, and at lunch I ate meat, being also full. Because of this, my heart was cold as ice all day and lazy, and at the beginning of the all-night vigil, only with contrition of heart and tears of repentance did I beg the Lord for some warmth. And there was almost no voice! As it said from the earth. Macarius (Bulgakov; 1816 – 1882) – Metropolitan of Moscow; an outstanding Russian theologian and church historian, author of the 12-volume “History of the Russian Church”, “History of the Russian Schism”, “Orthodox Dogmatic Theology” and other works; taught at the Kyiv and then at the St. Petersburg Theological Academies. Since 1851 - Bishop of Vinnitsa; from 1857 - Tambov, then Kharkov, Lithuania and from 1879 - Metropolitan of Moscow. You might be interested in: