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Resurrection. Thanks to my Sweetest Savior, who blotted out my other sins with repentance and washed them with His Blood. I served the Liturgy with tenderness and tears from the feeling of my many sins and the immeasurable mercy and patience of the Lord. He said the conversation well, with boldness. I thank the Lord, who extinguished my enmity at the very beginning of the third day at home and this day during mass - then against Sister Anna K., now against Father Deacon Peter. I thank, praise and exalt the Lord, who makes me worthy to partake of the Divine and life-giving Mysteries every day and to perform all the daily services without stumbling - the Lord’s yoke is good for me and His burden is light. God bless! I thank the Lord, who cleansed my stomach and lungs and blood with three days of diarrhea and did not completely weaken me. July 3rd. Intense heat, 28 degrees. I thank the Lord, who has now comforted me with the communion of the holy and life-giving and terrible, most heavenly Mysteries, and who has healed me from my four-day diarrhea. I sinned gravely before God by hitting several beggars on the legs and shoulders with a cane out of annoyance at them and the opinion that they were deceiving me with fictitious needs. And he offended them with words, and gave them away reluctantly and with annoyance. my diarrhea stopped by the grace and power of the Life-giving Mysteries and through the grace of the wedding, for I was imbued with the life-giving power of the marriage prayers; and thanks to the doctor for the drops. The diarrhea continued until July 8th. I thank the Lord for His indescribable long-suffering and mercy towards me, a great sinner, as He has deigned me to partake of His Divine, life-giving and terrible Mysteries throughout the week and to perform all the daily services without stumbling in the sweetness and strength of my soul. So it was yesterday, on Sunday, during the Divine Service. I dare to beg the Lord to humble and subdue us for the sake of His name, in the image of fate, the proud and arrogant and stubborn and wayward and self-righteous children of my spiritual children Philip Stepanov and Nikolai Sidorov, embittered against their spiritual shepherds and speaking abusively and reproachfully about them. But grant me, Lord, to completely subjugate myself to Your will—commit my heart, my will, my whole belly to You, my Lord God, and to love or not to love someone according to Your will, and not according to my will. God! Take away from my soul all hostility towards sister Anna and her children, grant me to see and appreciate her kindness from time to time and not only for her goodwill towards me to love her, but if she were both my enemy and ill-wisher and a slanderer and annoyancer. May this not be imputed to her, and may this be left to her by Your goodness, for she does not know what she is doing. If she has done anything wrong to me and her children, forgive her and do not hold it against her. God! I thank You for taking away the feeling of hostility towards my sister through my prayer. It is safe to eat, Lord, love You for everyone's sake. May you love everyone. Whoever does not want to love his neighbors and his enemies, past or present, has forgotten that God loved him and poured out countless blessings on him, when he constantly angers Him with his deeds, his waywardness, stubbornness, malice, pride, envy, love of money, voluptuousness, intemperance, and cruelty. He forgot that his neighbor is himself, with the same inclinations of good and evil, and perhaps more good than evil. Look with open eyes at the ever-present, most perfect goodness - on the face of the Lord, and see how merciful, good, and long-suffering He is to everyone, and learn from Him kindness, mercy, forbearance, and long-suffering towards everyone; He is all-perfect and long-suffering towards us sinners, but we ourselves are imperfect, and yet we do not want to condescend to those who are as imperfect as we are. Hostility towards one's neighbor is a remnant of the old man in us, or the hellish fruit of Adam's fall. We must eradicate it in every possible way, and practice love in every way. The fruit of the Spirit is: love, joy, peace, long-suffering, kindness, goodness, faith, meekness, self-control [Gal. 5, 22 – 23]. I thank the Lord, who stopped my embarrassment and excitement on the occasion of my wife giving a fine linen to her sister, bought with my money (54 arshins). We explained each other, the confusion was resolved, and I was calmed by God’s grace and repentance. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the Sunday Liturgy without stumbling, although with weakness of strength, and to be completely enlivened by the Divine Mysteries. I thank the Lady, who healed my womb by singing prayers before Her Miraculous Kazan Icon in my bedroom and drinking blessed water. Thanks also to doctor Mikhail Egorovich Ivashchenko for his reasonable treatment. My diarrhea lasted for eight days, from Saturday to Monday. July 10th, 1873. A dream about the Catholic Church collapsing throughout. What does it mean?.. Love God with all your soul, with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your strength [Mk. 12:30], that is, every day and hour, all life, in all matters. Once again I was near the gates of death, another lesson from the Lord for me to correct my heart and life. Now I have been brought back to life. May my life be pleasing to the Lord! Temperance, mercy! In no case should you eat meat at night, and never, for the night today, July 12, passed in extreme lustful excitement, I barely got rid of the lewd outpouring. To my extreme surprise, Anna Konstantinovna bowed to me yesterday when I said that [...] I had been drinking. She really wishes me health. God save her; Of course, it’s good for her with my health, although she says that it’s bitter to live with me. God have mercy on us! I thank the Lord, who called me today, July 11, to serve the liturgy and deigned to partake of the holy, divine, immortal and life-giving Mysteries. But what did the Lord reveal to me today, when I stood in tears of repentance before the Holy Cup, in which there were terrible life-giving Mysteries? Here's what: there is not only the Lord, here, in the Holy Chalice, with Him is the entire Church, heavenly and earthly, all the prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries and all the saints united with their Head; here is the Holy Synod, every bishopric, presbytery, deaconry in Christ, the entire priestly and monastic order; here is the power that holds, the entire synclit, the entire army, all the laity, true Christians, here are the living and the dead. Wonderful Cup! The Wonderful Church in the Holy Chalice - heavenly, earthly and underworld. Glory to Thee, O Christ God, Who leadeth all things. I thank the Lord for all the blessings of the earth that I received in Rambov during my stay with Mrs. Brown Evdokia Kirillovna, for walks in the fresh forest air, for swimming, for bread and salt, tea and coffee, for an overnight stay, for all the truly amazing caresses towards me. Forgive me also, Lord of the Most Merciful, my greed, disgusting to myself, which I allowed upon arriving home from Rambov in the evening. I ate more appropriately and with a special pleasure, which I should cut off, salmon marinated in vinegar, with black bread and thus burdened my stomach with heavy, indigestible fish and had to wander in vain along the street for a long, long time, although I prayed there to God (evening prayers in my mind) and had a long argument with Father Vasily Chernyavsky about monasticism and the decrees of our Holy Church about fasting and what is meant by the flesh in Holy Scripture as the source of sin. I sinned before God - I spoke to my father, the archpriest, with zeal, embitterment, disdain, and an indomitable spirit because of the appointment of me by the archpriest on July 16th to the magistrate to take the oath, believing in my mind that this matter should have been entrusted to Father Matthew, as the next one. I asked forgiveness from him, the archpriest’s father, when he meekly accused me of arrogance. I have sinned before God! I repent before the Lord and ask for forgiveness. I thank the Lord for the gift of prayer during the all-night vigil, while reading the canons and akathists. To the long-suffering, glory and thanksgiving from my humble and sinful soul! In deed and word, grant, O Lord, to thank and glorify Thee. Protect us with peace, Lord! Grant me, Lord, faith in the work of Guardianship that I have begun. Although resist many of the noble and rich, and especially Leopards. God! grant me to see Thy members in my neighbors and serve them willingly and diligently. I sinned again to the Lord and to myself that yesterday I ate dinner greedily: I ate an egg, drank two glasses of milk and two glasses of tea: I should not have eaten. I had a dream that I was not ready for mathematics, but was transferred to the philosophy class of the Academy; How will I answer when I don’t even know the previous course (and trotters on sleds rush towards us and swear that we are on their road, and they almost crushed us - so they rush at full gallop). This means that I am not ready in life and deeds and cannot give an answer at the Last Judgment. Oh, get ready quickly. I thank the Lord, who has deigned me to perform the Divine Liturgy comfortably in peace, with a feeling of tenderness, albeit under the slander of 116 bodiless enemies, and to partake of the revitalization and strengthening of the soul and body of His life-giving and terrible Mysteries; also perform a prayer service with the blessing of water. I shed tears from the enemy’s slander - the ethereal villains bothered me so much, stumbling, bickering, frightening me with their ghosts. Bathing is very beneficial for me - my stomach cooks well, I have free and abundant bowel movements. It’s good to have a bathing closet. My wife and sister-in-law were very kind when I arrived home. At Kromido’s I spoke my reviews and observations about Anna K. and lost God’s peace, my conscience began to scorn. Walking along the road, he repented to the Lord and asked for mercy and peace - and received it. God bless! Age itself is perfect; let it govern itself, and especially God and the Mother of God. I have nothing to be upset about - I must know myself, humble myself, endure, love. Glory to the service of God entrusted to me by God! Glory to the sacred rites of all the Divine Mysteries! Through them I am cleansed, sanctified, renewed, strengthened, healed, healthy, at peace, conquering sin, or the flesh and the devil. The wonderful faith of Christ, which carries within itself eternally renewing and sanctifying and strengthening grace and strength. When I do not serve the Lord, I am exhausted in soul and body, and when I serve, then I am healed and strengthened, especially when I serve in front of a multitude of people and in intense struggle with enemies: the more persistent the struggle and the more successful, the greater the purification, renewal, and strengthening. Glory to the faith of the Lord! Before the christening outside the city at the naval clerk's, the devil poured cold, inappropriate feelings into my soul, doused me with his foul feces, and I fervently prayed to the Lord to deliver me from uncleanness. The Lord had mercy. He performed the sacrament with strength and boldness, but in other places the dirty tricker brought down confusion and fear. Oh, how beneficial and glorious it is, Orthodox Christians, to suppress the dominion of sin within ourselves, and how much damage and dishonor we ourselves suffer from slavery to sin! It is impossible to calculate. A little, a little until the end of this short life we ​​will fight - and we will earn eternal peace and eternal glory from the Lord the Rewarder. The struggle is hard, but paradise is sweet and reward is everlasting. I thank the most merciful Lord, who has made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy (early) even now with weak nerves and a weak voice, ready to break and to partake in the peace and joy and revival of the Divine Mysteries. After mass, he went to the St. Petersburg Gate to meet the deceased - the maiden Ulyania Nat (Anichkina), escorted her to the [Red] Gate, from there he went to the cemetery, there he rested on the hay and grass and hurried to the funeral service, then dined at Anichkina's. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the tides and attacks of anger and healed my soul. I am a strange person: when I am at home, I care about everyone, I criticize everyone, I trust everyone, who is doing what or whether they are doing what; If someone doesn’t do it, especially those who live freely on my bread, I am offended and languished with indignation. It’s either the case with guests: there I don’t care about anyone, even if everyone walks on their heads - however, of course, it’s nice to see prudent use of time in someone else’s house and I may soon get tired of idleness, but there I’m calm, there I’m a little person. Oh, how good it is for me to humble myself at home - and here I am a guest. But what am I doing, and am I doing it as and what I should? It is good for me to humble myself: when I, oppressed by the spirit of malice, envy, zeal in the garden at the thought of Anna Konstantinovna, doing nothing, as I thought, repented in the depths of my soul that I was not in the least worthy of the gifts that I use from God, not even the fresh air that I breathe daily, nor food, nor drink, nor the clothes, nor the dignity that I wear, nor especially such frequent communion Divine Mysteries - then the Lord, who sees all the dispositions and thoughts and movements of the heart, had mercy on me for my humility and deep repentance, and my heart became peaceful, easy, and free. Grant me, Lord, humility and contentment with the present and love for my family and for everyone. Father Vasily Chernyavsky expresses heretical thoughts and speaks very boldly about the faces of holy people and about sacred objects, so that I was surprised at his audacity: he considered Saint Cyril of Alexandria better than Nestorius the heretic; argued that Basil the Great, Gregory the Theologian, Chrysostom, and Damascene were mistaken, for example, regarding the doctrine of the flesh as the source of sin; that monasticism, both in principle and in its idea, is no good, that the hierarchy, services, and Sacraments are an invention of the clergy for their own self-interest and to maintain the mass of the people in good behavior and subordination to the government. Vasily Ivanov told me a lot of moralizing and deeply instructive things (aren’t those who judge others themselves subject to judgment?) Tuesday. Extreme heat (up to thirty degrees). I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling in words, but in my heart the enemy struck me with cruel grief at Father Deacon Peter, who accidentally or intentionally did not kiss the hands of the priest when serving the censer after the Cherubim (to be offended because of such a trifle - and the Lord is the Lamb, do not forget what you endured for me?!). Only through humility, repentance, quick reflection, and most of all, the Blood of the Lord, did I defeat the enemy, both his and my own malice. But after communion, and especially after using all the gifts of the Lord, what peace I felt within myself, what bliss, what freedom, what joy, what tenderness! In these feelings, I went to Ekaterina Stepanovna (to Fedulaev’s house) and drank tea from this very simple and God-fearing person, ate raspberries, drank sherry! At home I again fell into unforgivable anger towards baby Liza for alienating me and turning away from me; I despised and hated him, and I felt cramped and stuffy, like in hell; I immediately turned to sincere repentance and repeatedly took up prayer; The Lord gradually, as I repented, had mercy on me, I felt lighter, calmer, and finally completely at ease and peacefully! I thank the Lord, for the sake of His priceless Blood shed for the world and for me, who is merciful and not destroys me. Smoking tobacco has no meaning: it is a stupid whim, a desecration of the lips, a free stupor, an extreme, unnecessary irritation of the nerves, a fog voluntarily induced upon oneself, a relaxation of the whole being. Such is the madness! July 18. Morning. Six o'clock. Procession of the Cross. The dust is impenetrable, impenetrable. As a result of drinking vodka, beer, smoking tobacco, eating meat, and as a result of swallowed dust, my legs became extremely sore and there was a terrible pain. I thank the Lord for changing the morals of my sister-in-law Anna K. I thank the long-suffering Lord, for he also had mercy on me, the accursed one, who had become drunk in the evening from beer and vodka and especially smoking tobacco, and who deigned to perform the early liturgy, although it was extremely difficult for me from nervous disorder, from embarrassment, fear, suspicion, distrust of myself and others, cowardice, despondency, indignation at the sexton. After communion, he became revived, strengthened, and calmed down. Glory, glory, glory to God, who gives life to the dead, as I was and often am. Woe to me without communion, woe to me who is lawless every day and hour and who expels the grace of the Holy Spirit from himself. Yes, I’m extremely careful from now on. God! Let me stay awake and not sleep. Watch, because you know neither the day nor the hour in which the Son of Man will come [Matt. 25, 13]. You have a good condition, your heart rejoices, and you thank God, saying: glory to You, Lord, that I am not poor, like many of my brethren, that I have everything I need and even excess, and I have a lot of goods for many years. Brother! your joy and your prayer are false, like the joy and prayer of that rich man who was pleased with the field and who did not know where to gather his fruits [Lk. 12, 16 – 20]. Friend! You have a lot, you have excesses not for yourself, but for your poor and destitute brethren; yes, for her, and not for your luxury, not to arrange mirrored glass in your houses, to multiply houses, to add house to house, so that you can take something away from your neighbor. We must use the gifts of God wisely, precisely as gifts of God, and not as our own property. By honoring the saints, we honor in them the image and likeness of the Divine - virtue, shrine, faith, fidelity, love, patience, prayer, courage, spiritual wisdom, constancy, mercy, purity and chastity, submission to the will of God, non-covetousness and other virtues; We honor in them members of Christ, perfect servants and friends of God, deified through the participation of the Divine nature, our zealous prayer books and intercessors before God; We honor them as the conquerors of the adulterous and sinful, vain world, the multi-passionate flesh and the devil, as heavenly citizens and heirs of the Heavenly Kingdom, as co-throners of Christ God Himself, who said: To him who overcomes I will give to sit with Me on My throne, just as I also conquered and sat down with My Father on His throne [Rev. 3, 21]. There is no need to eat fish at night - the erection of the reproductive penis is strong at night and lust. Don't drink wine. I thank the Lord, who throughout the past week has surprised me with His mercy in the communion of His Divine Mysteries, in the cleansing of sins, sanctification, revitalization, and strengthening of soul and body. All-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness during the all-night vigil from beginning to end. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with immeasurable mercy, when I, having given a kick to the red-haired beggar youth who deceived me several times, then began to repent in the depths of my soul, deeply realizing the importance of my sin, and received pardon, peace and silence of heart. I feel that the devil is inciting me, as if with fiery butts, to spite my sister-in-law, but she gives no clear reason other than idleness. All my thoughts are for evil of my sister-in-law, who lives at my expense, like her children, but it seems that they should be for the good, I should be glad that they are all happy and at peace, although too much, and although they love themselves too much and are tender. Grant me, Lord, to close my eyes to their sins, as if they were not living with me, not on my support. Grant me not to be self-obstinate, either internally or externally, but to hand over to You, my God, both the reward and the vengeance of those who sin and those who do good. I thank the Lord, who gave me life from the dead upon my communion on this day (July 22) of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries; I was healed through the Holy Mysteries from bodily infirmities (my stomach ached). After communion, I immediately felt a life-giving fire in my insides. (Served in the Duma church.) I have acquired through long-term skill the evil acquisition of passions that torment me daily, the hellish treasures of self-love, pride, willfulness, stubbornness, disobedience, disrespect for the rights of one’s neighbor, envy, malice, anger, impatience, suspicion, cowardice, fear, embarrassment, despondency, servility, hypocrisy, contemplation, laziness, negligence, blindness mental, hard-heartedness, stinginess, greed, vanity, vanity, ambition, gluttony, gluttony, drunkenness, fornication, wickedness, blasphemy, murmuring, despair, unfriendliness, resentment, pettiness, quarrels, enmity, reproaches, lies, slander, unfaithfulness in words, beating of the powerless, contempt beggars, humiliation of the noble and powerful. Countless are my passions, Lord! Who will heal them in me, except You, Lord, Physician of souls and bodies? I expect healing and salvation from You. Maria Alex. Blinova was healed of cholera through the communion of the Holy Mysteries, taught by me, the unworthy. Glory to Thee, Lord! I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with inexpressible mercy in my repentance, when I walked late in the evening of July 22 between the gardens of the church house on the road from the gate and back. A wonderful action of grace took place in me, an action of mercy, peace, cleansing, salvation, freedom, boldness. Attach the key to the office door; books to be bound. My plan is to ask at the gymnasium. Write a letter to Father Superior Theodosius. Pray earnestly that the Lord will hurry and help the sovereign in everything and subdue every enemy and adversary under his nose, and that the same Lord will hasten and help you in everything and subdue every enemy and adversary under your nose, for what we earnestly desire and ask for another, God gives to us. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me now to experience the wonderful, Divine life, Divine healing and salvation with peace and spiritual space after communion of the Divine Mysteries. My God! My God! What grace! But if it is so sweet to be with the Lord here on earth, then how sweet it is to be with Him in heaven, when the elect will begin to partake of Him in the eternal days of His Kingdom! Before earthly goods are taken away from you by death and by the will of Him who gave them to you for the needs of you and your neighbors, offer them voluntarily as a sacrifice to God, that is, part of them, and do not hide your talent in the earth, use your treasures for growth, for heavenly growth, buy an incorruptible Kingdom with perishable wealth, and incorruptible with decay. Carnal jealousy, carnal envy, carnal greed. There is enough of everything, but it seems that everything is not enough and you want more and more (shirts, milk). Due to the excessive consumption of milk last night and, perhaps, butter with potatoes, today during the service of Matins I felt a heaviness in my heart and very unfreely spoke the Great Litany and the Great Litany; it was difficult to speak, my heart seemed to be paralyzed. I have sinned before God! It's all greed. Others are satiated, but I myself feel sorry for the family’s excess in food and drink, when, for example, every day they buy five bottles of milk for eight kopecks. The more I eat and drink (like yesterday at my dacha outside the city), the more greedy, envious, stingy, and sad I become—that’s what it means to make yourself dependent on food! What does this mean? Is it with the spirit of Christianity? Is this the job of the priest? Is this how he tramples on all carnal lusts - he, a partaker of the Divine Body and Blood, he who daily proclaims out loud to everyone: “woe is our heart”?! and now let us put aside every care of this life? The word of the Lord is coming true in me, that others are overwhelmed by wealth and the pleasures of this life and do not bear fruit [Lk. 8, 14]. When tempted by the enemy with worldly pleasures, avarice and covetousness, I must firmly remember the words of the Lord: man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God [Matt. 4, 4]. It’s a strange thing: until now they always took five bottles to the house, and I had everything, and I wasn’t indignant, but when yesterday I drank a lot of milk at the dacha, it was nothing. The most deceitful flesh, which must be mortified by fasting, vigil, prayer, contemplation of God, labor, and service to others! It is not you who have the milk, but the babies, but you have the verbal milk and the Divine Body and Blood. Be wise above, not below; not corruptible, but incorruptible good; not smoke, not disappearing steam, but abiding blessings forever and ever; learn to ascend to eternal blessings from the eternal praise of God often heard in the church. From excessive consumption of milk yesterday today during the liturgy at the Great Entrance, my head was spinning due to plethora and fullness of the nose, and I had to stretch out my hand to Father Deacon to hold on to him and, without finishing the names of the royal family, I rather said: may the Lord God remember in His Kingdom... After communion of the Holy Mysteries, he miraculously revived, calmed down, healed in soul and body, was renewed, strengthened, and rejoiced; I felt heavenly bliss and it was as if I was not on earth, but in heaven. And at home, at the sight of his wife’s sister Anna, he was gloomy at the table and not at the table. Tuesday. I glorify and extol God’s long-suffering toward me, a sinner, and His countless, endless mercy. I sinned gravely, gravely twice this evening: once, I got angry with a dumb beggar who was pursuing me despite orders not to follow me: I called him a beast and angrily gave him a few kopecks, after which I felt oppression, shame and reproach, a scorching fire; I began to repent and pray to the Lord who was irritated by me, for I called the one created in the image of God a beast, I insulted a member of Christ, my brother and co-member and heir of the Kingdom of God, I acted insolently, I did not keep the words of meekness, humility, gentleness, patience and became like a beast that attacked a lamb in order to torment him; another time I kicked hard (like a horse) also a beggar for his recklessness in asking for alms, and I repented of this to the Lord. The righteous Lord, who had betrayed me into the hands of the enemy, had mercy on me, seeing my sincere and long-term repentance after my first sin. Glory to His mercy, for He did not completely give me over to the torment of the devil. Holy Righteous Anna's Dormition. He served successfully with God's help; After Matins, the enemy was greatly offended by thoughts about the canvas bought by Anna Konstantinovna and his wife for themselves [...] (bought with my money). This is where the words of the Lord are justified: You cannot serve God and mammon [Matt. 6, 24 ]; I couldn’t pray sincerely, my soul was torn apart. I have felt the greatest mercy of God this day and more than once: firstly, I felt great help during Matins during the service, when the Lord despised my nocturnal uncleanness (prodigal emission) and granted me with sufficient boldness to speak the litanies and read the canon; secondly, during the service of the Liturgy, when he gave me tenderness and non-judgmental communion of the Divine and life-giving Mysteries with wonderful revival from the Divine Fire, purification, sanctification, peace, space, boldness; thirdly, during the service of Vespers (cheerfulness, swagger, clarity, purity, melodiousness and tenderness of voice (I drank cream with tea on Wednesday)); fourthly, most of all, I felt the greatest mercy of God in the fact that the Lord delivered me from the tormenting fire of hell and the oppression and humiliation of the inner life that befell me after I scolded and pulled the hair of one beggar, who made great demands in satisfying his various needs, which, after cursing and reproaching him, I satisfied. When I sincerely and deeply repented of my sin, the Lord then forgave me, and I served Vespers with great boldness; fifthly, again late in the evening I offended the poor with my rage at them and reproaches, and again for this reason oppression and fire befell me - again I repented from the depths, and again I was pardoned. Oh, may I be a servant to all, according to the word of God [Mk. 9:35], willingly, diligently, humbly, and remember the words of the Lord: invite the poor, the lame, the blind to your supper, and you will be blessed because they have nothing to repay you, but you will be rewarded at the resurrection of the righteous [Lk. 14, 13 – 14]. But I don’t even need to call - they come on their own, as long as they come in moderate numbers, according to my strength and means. I will not live for myself, not for my flesh, not for my own pleasures, but for others, for the sake of the Lord, who has so much mercy on me. Yes, I will leave the absurd rage, which in no way corrects the evil and does not replace, does not satisfy the needs of my neighbor and primarily harms myself and them, or at least does not bring them any benefit and often makes me ridiculous in the eyes of people and contrary to God and the Angels and the saints. May I honor every person with due honor, may I walk with the fear of God at all times and in every place, may I renounce my pride and passions, may I constantly pay attention to myself. I can’t wonder why we chase with such ardent passion the momentary, perishable, visible blessings of this world and with such amazing coldness turn away from the eternal, indestructible, spiritual blessings? Why is it that, despite all the disastrousness of earthly goods that we experience, we have passion for them, love, we feel charm and attraction, and, on the contrary, with all the goodness, the greatest benefit of spiritual, heavenly goods, virtues, for example, purity and chastity, humility, kindness, non-covetousness, mercy, love and goodwill to one’s neighbor, fasting and prayer, obedience, fidelity, zeal for fulfillment of duties - we do not fulfill them, we impudently violate them, we neglect them? This is from the initial, terrible corruption of our nature by sin, from the participation of demons in our lives, from our inattention, negligence, unbelief, laziness, from bad communities, strengthened habits, from waywardness or self-will and imitation of others, for we are surrounded by temptations. How many reasons do I have for humility and submission to the will of God! Every good in me is only from the grace and mercy of God, but every evil comes from me and lives in me, and my very good is often mixed with evil from the extreme depravity of my heart; I am high and breathe as if on fire when I pray for myself and for people - but this is from God, it is the Spirit Himself who intercedes for us with unspeakable groanings [Rom. 8, 26 ]; but often, soon after such a height, I become low, from good I become evil, from chaste to unclean, from simple to crafty, from generous to stingy, from non-covetous to covetous, even when performing prayer. How imperfect and accommodating I am to evil! And I am touching and cold, and jealous and lazy, and zealous and sluggish and inactive; I change in a thousand ways, like a kaleidoscope. There is no consistency in me. But blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be satisfied [Matt. 5, 6]. After mass. I cannot pass in silence the current miracle of God’s grace, mercy and omnipotence, for even now, during the liturgy after communion, the Lord miraculously revived my deadness with Divine fire, life-giving and non-burning, and gave me Divine calm, tenderness, animation, tears of tenderness and joy. Glory to the Lord! My God! What a burden meat is for my heart and body: I ​​ate two small cutlets today and felt extremely relaxed after lunch; In addition, an extreme lustful disposition appeared, which could hardly be overcome by prayer. It’s good not to eat meat, but only one soup, and maybe some broth and the covers of the cartilages. Fish soup and ruff in the early days, and perch - and that’s enough. I need very little meat; next week I need especially little because of the Lord’s Supper, or mass. I cannot pass in silence the greatest mercy of God, revealed to me now at the all-night vigil, when the Lord delivered me from evil memories, evil feelings and oppression caused to me by the devil’s cunning before the wedding and during the incense, and especially when He delivered me from the devil’s malice, which began to rage in me and oppress and scorch me upon my arrival home and the discovery of some disturbances at home. I prayed from my heart, and the Lord reconciled me. Glory to His mercy! One cannot help but approve of the good behavior with which my sister-in-law, Anna Konstantinovna, has recently begun to distinguish herself; she has become respectful, helpful, and affectionate. I thank the Lord. I praise the Lord! Now change me, Lord, for good. Father Gregory rightly said in his letter the words for which I sometimes take offense and get angry both at him, the deceased, and at his wife, the former culprit of those words. Indeed, in the passion of my anger, I am ready to do what he said about the thick club, especially when they strongly oppose me or strongly gnaw at me, forgetting their duty. Зачем я воображаю, думаю, что земные блага, которые мне Бог посылает, суть мои? They are God's and are with me. Что за глупое состояние моей души? I have everything: I am well-fed, clothed, have good accommodation, provided with a place and service - and I am still dissatisfied, greedy, indignant at my family for living for nothing, eating and drinking a lot. What kind of dream do I have of an enemy, my tormentor?.. Oh, grant me, Lord, self-sacrifice, sweet for Your sake, so that I do not seek my own, but my neighbors, and be content with little; мне с избытком много даров Твоих было и есть и, уповаю, будет; да благодарю Тебя и буду мирен и человеколюбив. Я недостоин того, чем пользуюсь от щедрой десницы Твоей; I thank You, for You feed me, clothe me, and with me, my household and other relatives abundantly. Помилуй нас, просвети, очисти, спаси. Again he sinned gravely before God and people - he became enraged and angry at the poor and beat their legs with a cane, representing their guile, laziness, and treachery. Прости, Господи, и еще великое мое согрешение. Соборное служение – высокоторжественный день. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness during the celebration of the Liturgy and unfailing service and non-judgmental communion of the Divine Mysteries; жизнь, мир, отрада, свобода, дерзновение, радость были плодом. At the end of the mass and leaving the altar to the people for a prayer service, when I was offended by the governor for his proud nod of his head at our bow, I was internally punished by the Lord for my anger and pride, and when I sincerely repented, the Lord forgave and granted peace; за всенощною Господь даровал также умиление. Благодарю Владыку многомилостивого и долготерпеливого. Молебен к Ивану Никол, в дом Дьячкова. На ночь не есть и избегать пива. Not enough tea, not enough. At baptism, I swore an oath to the Lord to keep myself holy and must constantly remember this oath and oath and keep my soul and body in holiness. Да поможет Господь мне и всякому христианину. Самоотвержение, любовь, чистота, незлобие, воздержание! Today the Lord raised my soul from the dead after communion of His Divine and life-giving Mysteries; fatness, rudeness, fear, tightness of the heart were taken away, instead of death, life, lightness, peace, freedom, sweetness, boldness entered the whole being. Beer and salmon at night had an extremely bad effect on me. It was partly hard because of the rainy weather, but the Holy Mysteries and nature prevailed, and the illnesses of nature were driven away from me. God bless! I ate meat today at dinner, and again my heart became especially heavy, fat and coarse and extremely prone to fornication and sensual love and contemplation, to the point that it was difficult to cope with it. There is no need to eat meat for the sake of saving the soul, for the sake of mortification of the flesh and purity of heart. Lord, help me! At night (July 29) I ate milk (one and a half glasses), cheese and black bread, and my stomach and heart were heavy. You don’t need to eat at night, I’ll repeat it again. I served the late liturgy in the Cathedral for Father Archpriest, who served in the Duma; in the heart and body there is tightness, powerlessness, fear; during the liturgy - spiritual and physical weakness, the voice is quite loud, but trembling from weakness of the nerves; after communion, I instantly rose again, came to life, was pacified, consoled, healed, strengthened, and received boldness. The miracle of God's mercy and omnipotence took place. He gave Holy Communion to infants with boldness; A carnal thought swooped in and quickly penetrated my heart and began to confuse and oppress, but, realizing that this was the dead breath of the flattering devil, who has the power of death, I repelled it with Divine grace, or the Blood of God, and calmed down again. He preached the sermon with great animation. Thanks to the most merciful Lord for everything, for the sermon, for the enlightenment of my mind. At home over dinner, a disagreement broke out again with my sister Anna K., but I avoided the hostility in every possible way. I prayed to the Lord to reconcile us. My passion for the praised beautiful maidens seen in the Cathedral was the cause of trouble: it aroused jealousy in Anna K. - why wasn’t she or them praised? I sinned against the Lord through idle talk. Slander (Church Slav.) - here in the meaning of “intrigue, trickery, deceit.” Istee (Church Glorious) - more complete, more perfect. You might be interested in: