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I thank my Lord, who has given me the word to the people during the liturgy and the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Divine Mysteries. All day today I was in business, in fulfilling the requirements. My legs (toes) hurt badly: the pain was extreme. And this, I think, is due to excess in food and drink and from retaining seeds that have repeatedly begun to come out. Mortify the nasty, passionate, quickly passing flesh, revive the soul, in the image of God, rational, free. You have no need to satisfy your carnal lusts. Your sweetness is Christ, your wealth is Christ, your life is Christ, your beauty is Christ. Don’t look at the creatures, lest your soul’s gaze be distracted from the Creator, and lest your soul be defiled by unclean thoughts. Are you alive? Nikitushka asked me. I answered: thank God, I am healthy, but I should have answered: I died in spirit, for indeed, I was like that, and, looking at him, I laughed: I am so cunning, and the simplicity in a person became extraordinary for me. Let me read books, he said, are there any more terrible ones, for example about the Last Judgment and the Second Coming. But I, indeed, have forgotten the Second Coming and the Last Judgment and live as if it will not happen. And I saw that Nikita did not just ask me, but foreseeing my spiritual death, seeing my negligence, my gluttony, satiety, delicacy, internal fornication, bitterness, pride, stinginess, hard-heartedness. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to partake of the Holy Mysteries during the Liturgy for the revitalization, cleansing, sanctification, renewal, and healing of the body. At 12 o'clock I went to Father Pavel Lamanov, drank tea, ate black currant jam, ate two soft-boiled eggs, then went to class. With the same supply of food and staying until the evening, but no - I came home and sat down to dinner: soup, apple pie, ridiculous fries (cutlets), and that’s why I felt satiated and heavy. Oh, if only I would not eat meat at all for the sake of God and purity of heart! After Vespers, going home and meeting beggars with various requests, and with one of them, who had already received good alms, I became angry and pulled his hair out. I sinned. And he refused many of their requests, giving only a little. Many of them offend me and themselves - they deceive, drink, and live in obscene houses. God bless them, and I must be careful, willy-nilly, in giving alms. From excess in food and drink, all passions intensify: brutal rage, and lustful passion, and stinginess, and hardness of heart, and the rush of blood to the head or to the extremities of the legs becomes more frequent. The great good is moderation and fasting. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me and raised me as if from the dead after communion of the life-giving Mysteries. He served with extreme weakness and irritation, which, however, he held back; Nikolai was indignant at the watchman. I thank the Lord, who took away the bitter, hellish feeling of enmity towards Anna K., which carried me away with terrible force. The only Name of the Lord and His Mysteries saved me from this. I thank the Lord, who honored me with His extraordinary help during Matins through the prayers of the Most Pure Theotokos during the recitation of all the litanies and prayers, and especially during the recitation of the special litany, in which, due to the action of the enemy, I almost always hesitated in praying for the sovereign, to hasten and assist him in all things and to subdue under his nose every enemy and adversary. The voice was gracious, clear, loud (the night before there had been wine sherry and honey). I thank the Lord for performing the liturgy with a pure voice, and especially for the non-judgmental communion of the divine, most pure, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. Again, I was resurrected and received new vigor and boldness. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me through the communion of the Holy Mysteries and gave me great boldness. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly accepted my repentance for my malice, who has taken away sorrow and oppression and given me peace and freedom. I became angry with the beggars many times today. The priest raises his hands crosswise during the Cherubic Song, thereby depicting the crucifixion of Christ the Savior for the salvation of the world, the crucifixion, which is immediately remembered in the great entrance with a stop before the people, and at the same time his crucifixion to the world and its lusts in accordance with the words of the prayer: now let us put aside every care of this life... Friday. Because of yesterday's dinner at home (fried fish, cheese, partly meat, rich green sauce), by morning my back was very sore. Food was rubbish for me, because it was too much, I didn’t need to eat at all, and I only had to drink one glass of tea, no more. I have sinned against the Lord! I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived and renewed me through the communion of the life-giving Mysteries during the liturgy at the cemetery, that is, in the Trinity Church; I completed the entire service and funeral service safely with God’s help. The All-Night Vigil in the Cathedral is also successful. The archpriest came out for litia and glorification. (The red-haired guy was given 40 kopecks for the ship.) I got up early because of pain in my lower back, because last night I ate prosphyra after two glasses of sherry at Dmitry Fedorovich Nikitin, the grandson of Lev Dmitriev. In the morning I had a lot of movement: to the wall, then back home, then an hour later to the gymnasium for a prayer service, then to the market with communion for a sick girl, and then the Lord sent me relief to my heart at the consciousness of my satiety from the evening. He performed the Liturgy freely and loudly; at the great entrance I was somewhat embarrassed, and this shocked me, but through fervent prayer of repentance, the Lord healed the ulcer of the soul and took away the confusion; everything else was fine, and he spoke the sermon with feeling and liveliness; after mass he baptized in the church; because of the dust in the church, many people read prayers in secret; then a prayer service in Baikov’s house. He served the All-Night Vigil in the Duma safely, his voice was clear and loud. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness during the reading of the prayers of light (six psalms). Icons, images, the external side of worship and the Sacraments are the embodiment of faith: we are bodily, it is impossible otherwise. Lutherans and Anglicans are unfair when they reject icons and images. Take the book about St. Tikhon of Zadonsk 119 from the bookbinder. The holy apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries and all saints are witnesses of the truth of Christ's teaching and His redemption of the world. They will be witnesses before the whole world that it was possible and easy to fulfill the Gospel of Christ with the help of the grace of God, to get rid of passions, to become overcomers of sin and to become heirs of the Kingdom of God, and if we drowned in sins, it was because of our laziness, negligence, negligence, inattention, and unbelief. I am the first to sin and they will testify against me first. Gluttony is a mortal sin. But the priest must be a faster or abstinent and must have angelic dispassion and always contemplate the grief’ where Christ sits at the right hand of God [Col. 3.1]. Gluttony, or voluptuousness, drinking wine leads to lustful thoughts, unclean movements in the flesh, and therefore a sensualist or glutton is guilty of two mortal sins: gluttony and fornication; the womb is an idol, the glutton is an atheist. The incense in the church is an image of the fact that the grace of God disperses, covers or destroys the stench of our sins and passions and makes us fragrant. This is what the passion for eating sweets means: last night, contrary to my conviction, I ate apple pie (four slices with a thin crust, like a leaf), and my back hurt almost all night; I got up early this morning, at half past five. Oh, gluttony! And this is from the priest! It’s also not good that I walked a lot in the yard in the evening - dampness got into my body, and it weighed me down. Oh, what a stench inside the glutton! After mass. How great was my bliss today after communion of the Divine Mysteries, so great was my torment after my rage at the beggars, among whom I suspected the perpetrators of yesterday’s prank, the consequence of which was the broken glass in the window frame in the archpriest’s apartment. As great as the world was, so great was the confusion in my soul; no matter how great the space was, so great was the cramped space; no matter how pleasant the spiritual coolness was in my entire being, so painful did the fire of hell become from my anger. And for a long time I felt this misfortune in myself, until I got rid of it through long tears of repentance. I thank the Lord, who gave me, unworthy, the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy well, except for pronouncing the names of the royal family at the great entrance, after the stumbling block, at which I felt confusion, shame, sorrow, and oppression. The thanksgiving prayer service was served by the grace of the Holy Spirit cheerfully, tenderly, without stumbling, calmly, unhurriedly. Is it a big deal that the archpriest, a self-seeking and hard-hearted archpriest like his silver, had the glass in his window frame broken by beggars? Is it important that the archpriest wrote this down in the book and gave me a written reprimand? Let me not be proud, impatient and irritable. Meanwhile, today, immediately after mass, I became angry, shouted at the beggars, and called them offensive names. One committed an offense, and I was angry with everyone and tore some of them by the ears at the church house, raised my sacred hand, with which I held the Holy Lamb - the Lord of glory, meek, humble, kind, patient, against His servants, against His brethren. Oh, damn me! I confess the miracles of God’s mercy and long-suffering toward me: I gravely sinned before the Lord by being morose and angry with my family, especially my sister Anna K., for pampering the children during the table and boasting before strangers (Balykina), and my heart was wounded, and I took this ulcer into the street (I went to celebrate the wedding), but in repentance I raised my eyes to Lord, and soon the Lord had mercy on me, and I celebrated the wedding with great calm, restraint, evenly, firmly, without stumbling, with great feeling, with sublime thought, with undoubted faith. Glory to the Lord for this. After the marriage, I went out into the street and walked around some places, I was walking along Posadskaya Street, and beggars caught up with me, and I was offended that they were pursuing me, and began to drive them away from me. I took pity on one and gave him a ruble for clothes, and the other, who was given alms in the morning (20 kopecks), I drove away, and when he did not want to leave, I told the watchman to take him - the beggar boy ran, and the watchman ran and caught up with him, and hit him, and brought him to me; I felt sorry for him, and again gave him 20 kopecks. I sinned before God, my heart was wounded by sin; I went, repenting in my soul, to [Kikin] the peasant homeowner for benefits for the poor - I gave 12 rubles; I go out - the beggars are here again; Alexey, my long-time friend, alms-receiver, insistently demands that you definitely give him a caftan, another - give him 60 kopecks for a ticket; I was annoyed at their begging and annoying me even though they were going to work; I gave 20 kopecks each, and when one of them did not leave, demanding more, in anger I kicked him and walked away. Anger took hold of me and sorrow and oppression attacked me, and hellish fire began to burn me; I went along a lonely road (to the wall) to pray, repent, and cry. For a long time the Lord did not free me from the bonds of sin, letting me feel my great insolence, anger, stinginess, my greed, my addiction to the earth, hard-heartedness and unmercifulness, but finally He was implored by His infinite mercy and forgave me my sin, released my bonds, took away confusion and gave peace, took away cramped conditions and gave freedom and space, took away death and gave life, renewed, pacified, consoled me. Glory to the miracles of His mercy and forbearance! And it’s time for me to change and be simple, generous, meek, kind, patient, and not a killer. Passions terribly shake my entire being, my entire being. What a fruit of unrepentant sinners! Alas! Terrible! Eternal torment, eternal crying and gnashing of teeth. What am I missing? I am not offended in food, in clothing, in peace from my household; They live on their own, I live on my own. May there be love and peace between us. Let the younger ones obey their elders, and if they do not obey, then let the Lord judge them. Let them hurry to the church, let them fall before the Lord, repenting, asking, giving thanks, praising His compassion. Away with all flattering passions! You have several Gospels, some in gold bindings, but do you fulfill what is written in the Gospel, for example, about alms? Do you serve it simply? Remember the old man who sold his only Gospel to give to a beggar 120. How embarrassed I am! Yesterday, during mass in the Duma church at the great entrance, I was embarrassed by what was apparently the most empty circumstance: a noble, beautiful girl was standing close by - and alas! vanity confused me. Have faith in Jesus Christ our Lord of glory, regardless of personalities [Jas. 2, 1]. Humanity! Contemplation! Vanity! Oh, how sinful these sins are, especially during worship! How do we not crucify the Son of God again - with man-pleasing, and vanity, and lust, and love of money, and cruelty of the heart and hands, and wickedness, and malice, and envy, and pride, and impatience, and waywardness, and gluttony, and drunkenness, and vain pastime: in games, laughter, idle talk (amusing idle talk theater), in smoking, or slow self-burning, - laziness, negligence! The resurrection of the dead is an accomplished fact in the person of Jesus Christ and the dead who rose on the day of His death, came out of their tombs, entered Jerusalem and appeared to many. Glory to Your resurrection, O Christ, for whom You have granted us resurrection. God! Give me patience and complete me in love, so that I do not get irritated, do not become angry, do not become embittered, but be merciful, forbearing, patient, and forgiving. I thank the Lord for the greatest, wonderful bliss of communion with God after communion of the Holy Mysteries at the liturgy I am now celebrating and after consuming the Holy Gifts at the end of the liturgy - my peace and the space of my heart had no limits. And His peace has no end [Isa. 9, 7]. This prophetic word came true on me. Glory to the mercy of the Lord. September 10, Monday. I thank the Lord, who took away the anger and oppression and fire of sin, tormenting from my heart through the prayer of my repentance! Glory to the long-suffering and mercy of the Lord, His good obedience and prompt obedience. God! Die our lives to Your name. Wake up! September 10, nine o'clock in the evening. Theater is amusing idle talk, verbal play, bait and seduction (charm) of the eye, scratching the ear, fun for the idle and well-fed, a precious find for people who do not know how to kill time, a noble school of debauchery; the temple of the adulterous and sinful world, raising the children of the world in its image and likeness, a pagan temple, where sacrifices to human art, reason, words, and carnal beauty are smoked. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the revival and renewal of my soul, vowed by sin, and my body, burdened with meat-eating and voluptuousness, by the Divine Mysteries of His Body and Blood. A person addicted to the world is a pitiful creature: he does not have unity and identity in himself, he is always painfully divided into himself and between people, he does not agree with himself, with his highest demands of the spirit and struggles between the demands of the spirit and between the desires of the flesh; He respects and loves people as much as they serve his earthly benefits, and since they do not bring any benefits or, on the contrary, deprive him of them in one way or another, he despises and does not love them, they are not people. How pathetic and ridiculous is the peace-loving man! He is never like himself! Thank God that I finally got rid of the hellish fire of unclean sweets that burned me at night and in the morning, at home and during Matins and Mass, before communion of the Holy Mysteries: after communion it died out and died, and I completely calmed down. Glory to the life-giving, wonderful, transformative Mysteries! Glory to the goodness and power and wisdom of the Lord my God! (September 11, 1873) The fire was from meat-eating. I thank the Lord for the fullness of bliss given to me, unworthy, this day during and after the early liturgy for communion and the final consumption of the Holy Gifts - the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord. O Divine Peace! Oh, Divine shrine and truth! Oh, divine freedom in my soul and in my whole being! I thank the Lord for yesterday’s communion and the pacification of my many-passionate soul. Today in my class (fourth) of the Law of God was the assistant trustee of the Educational District, Mr. Kirill Petrovich Yanovsky, an actual state councilor with a star. I explained the first member of the Creed. I got a little confused when explaining the properties of God. And I think that’s why my mind was darkened because I ate before class, dined beyond my usual: my stomach spoiled the matter, however, a little. But you don’t have to eat before class and prepare diligently, and I didn’t prepare for the Catechism today. I spoke for half an hour and no more, I expected that this was the end, but it was not to be, and even after the bell I listened to Mr. Assistant Trustee. I noticed that teaching should be a conversation between the father and the children, and I should ask and immediately repeat what was said in order to see whether they understood or not. I said that in front of the chief, I spoke everything myself, thinking that Mr. Assistant Trustee wanted to listen to me personally, and not to the students. He said to this: it means you have a bad opinion of me if you think so. I replied that I could not and had no reason to think so, that when I was with students, I usually asked them after explaining the lesson. Yes, you have to ask, he said, otherwise the teacher’s interpretation can sometimes be a waste of time, like today. And the most difficult things were explained to the disciples: about the confession of faith and predestination, etc. I thank God that he did not allow me to be tempted beyond my strength; It’s good that he didn’t come to the sixth grade, where there is no leadership yet. However, perhaps I would have spoken better there about the beginning of the Christian Church or the Exaltation of the Cross. Gluttony and satiety produce an effect on the soul similar to intoxication: the soul becomes covered, as it were, with fog and darkness. On September 14th. After the all-night vigil. Imagine that you are all standing on Calvary at the very time when the newly crucified Lord Jesus Christ is hanging on the cross in terrible agony, bleeding, enduring ridicule from the people, from the soldiers, from the high priests, scribes and elders of the Jews; imagine, admit, feel that the Son of God endures this terrible torment, this reproach for you, for your sins, in order to destroy the curse of God that weighs on you, and to obtain the blessing of the Father for us sinners; to trample down our death with His death and give us eternal life, delivering us from the eternal fire of hell - and tell me, will you then remain indifferent to the Sufferer of Calvary? Imagine that this Lamb of God, the sinless, most holy, Son of God was slain in order to give Himself as food and drink to believers, and marvel at His love, patience, mercy, extreme condescension towards us sinners; Imagine that we still feed on streams of blood dripping from the cross, and His flesh, crucified for us, suffering and buried and resurrected, for the flesh and blood given to us in the church are one with That Flesh and Blood, and marvel at the extreme goodness, the condescension of God towards us sinners, His omnipotence and wisdom. I always don’t sleep well at night when I have a bedtime snack; Tonight I had a strong itch in my body from the pie I ate after the all-night vigil. It’s true that there is a moment’s sweetness, but a whole day or night of bitterness and trouble! What if you have to pay for the time of pleasure with eternal torment! But it can easily be with unrepentance and lack of correction, for how many we omit the most sacred duties because of sweets and gluttony, how many new lusts, hardness of heart, dislike for God and neighbor we produce through them, how many occasions we omit prayer, praise, and thanksgiving! Every passion entails a whole horde of passions. Remember the fasting Lord, the fasting Most Pure Virgin Mother, the holy apostles, martyrs, saints, hierarchs and imitate them urgently. In the morning I got up early - because of the evening pie; went for a walk and prayed together the morning prayer and the rule for communion; weakness in the legs from a clogged stomach; Having arrived home, he was called to the sick person, then to a prayer service, then at home, after lying down for a while, he went to mass; on the road and in church, weakness, coldness in the heart and body, pain in the head; served under duress, with difficulty; after communion he suddenly rose again, was healed, came to life, was encouraged, rejoiced, feeling peace, spaciousness, consolation, joy, sweetness in his heart. Glory to the Lord, who does this! And at home at dinner, having again reached the Lenten pie, I greedily ate only one pie with mushroom soup and ate five pieces: again my stomach was clogged. I thank the Lord, I thank His Most Pure and Most Blessed Mother for pardoning my unworthiness through the prayer of repentance and my tenderness and for giving me again the hearing that was lost after my extreme carelessness, when I abruptly put my finger in my left ear. Now, by the grace of God, I hear well with my left ear, which was previously deaf, but before I could not hear with both ears. I glorify the abyss of God’s compassion, God’s mercy and power. Glory to the faith of Christ, wonderful, saving, comforting, healing! But oh, my wretchedness, lust, gluttony, laziness, negligence, lack of correction! How long will I use God’s patience for evil! How good it is to observe fasting, that is, to eat moderately lean food! Yesterday there was a light pie with cabbage in good lean butter; I ate enough of one pie at dinner, and it wasn’t hard; in the evening I ate a little again and then freely read; After a walk, I studied very easily again. I slept great that night. Thank the Lord! I thank the Lord for the wonderful and most peaceful gift of the Divine Mysteries, I thank for the Lord’s gracious salvation from the devil’s envy, which wounded and confused the heart and oppressed it at the thought of the Leopardov’s rich collection through the lottery [allegro] in the Summer Garden on September 14. (When I was traveling by boat to St. Petersburg.) I thank the Lord for the most merciful salvation from my anger and rage at the beggar whom I kicked (oh, crazy horse!) for supposedly frequently asking for alms. Again my heart was in fierce ulcer, sorrow and tightness: I began to pray, repent, and the Lord reconciled, and extended, and forgave. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord! From the transitory to the everlasting life, delight more often; Consider this present life as smoke, as a fleeting vapor - and this hastily, wakefully, lazily, diligently, generously, so as to reap or reap eternally the blessing. Meat extremely coarsens the heart, constricts, darkens, defiles through disposition towards lustful thoughts and desires. No need to eat meat. (An incident today, September 15, during the communion of a cholera peasant.) If you feel sin in yourself, you also feel God within you, merciful and saving. For we who are alive are continually being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our mortal flesh [2 Cor. 4, 11]. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace with boldness to loudly glorify His holy name and the Most Pure Mother of God during the all-night vigil and liturgy and to partake of the life-giving Mysteries of Christ and to overcome with the sole grace of Christ the malice and suspicion towards the father of the deacon, who acted insidiously, as it seemed or in fact, did in a case known to me (at the proskomedia I touched all the prosphora several times, at the great entrance he casually handed over the censer). The anger was extremely annoying and carried me away like water and confused me. But the Lord, through fervent prayer, defeated her and drove her away. And now (four o’clock in the evening) the Lord, through prayer, destroyed the anger in my heart against my wife’s sister Anna. Chosen Governor and Lord, hell to the conqueror, as if you were delivered from eternal death, I will sing praises to You, Thy creature and servant: but as you have unspeakable mercy, calling me free from all troubles: Jesus, Son of God, have mercy on me 121. I had assistant trustee Yanovsky in my class (fourth grade), and I interpreted the first part of the Catechism with him. Some of the guys said: I’m sorry for this remark, why don’t I ask them to repeat what they said. For those who love photographic cards of their faces. Is your image good in the portrait? Is the image of your soul always good? Didn't you assume a persona while you were being photographed? Haven't you become prettier for these minutes so that you always seem good to yourself and others? Aren't you being a hypocrite? Look more often at the Gospel, at this eternal mirror that faithfully depicts us - this is the true painting of light (photography): whoever the Gospel gives a bright image will be the son of light and will forever shine like the sun in the Kingdom of the Heavenly Father. And this light painting - photography, that is, earthly - is a fleeting shadow, like our bodies. God bless and confirm. Sister Anna Konstantinovna became very humble, kind, and affectionate. He takes the priestly blessing from me, like a daughter, when she goes to bed or when I come from church. I thank the Lord for all the contentment that I have enjoyed from the time of my priesthood until now and from the very first days of my existence until the end of the Academy, a course or two before marriage. I thank the Lord, who arranged my marriage so well. Thank you for placing me, weak and sickly, on an island where there is always fresh air. I thank you for the comfortable and spacious, clean apartment, for the good food, the pleasant drink, and the good clothes; for help in the ministry, for constant mercy, for the restoration of me, who often falls into sins, for cleansing, sanctification, pacification, expansion and freedom of the heart, for the divine, frequent communion of the Divine Body and Divine Blood; for success in business, for the glory that goes everywhere, although I am unworthy - however, this glory is to You, not to me: You do good in me, if I do anything good, and I, multi-passionate and unclean, only with Your grace resemble a person, without it I am like a nasty, stinking fierce beast, tormenting myself and others. How saving, true, heavenly is Your faith, O Lord my God! Glory to You! What about guardianship, Lord? - Rtsy, and it will be. Because of yesterday’s delicacy of puff pie with apples, my back hurts again today, I could only sleep until half past five. The point speaks for itself: don’t eat at night. I thank the Lord for reviving me, unworthy, with the Divine Mysteries. There was severe weakness before mass and during it and after it; After taking it out, I fell asleep, having first drunk two glasses of tea with light prosphyra, and after sleep my strength was miraculously renewed. But it brought me to Alex. Vlasievich and his birthday girl Nadezhda Efimovna in the gymnasium and begged me to eat a piece of pie with fish at the wrong time: I was still full, and then two hours later I had lunch at home and ate meat, which I shouldn’t have: my stomach is abnormal. I read everything in class - my chest was tired. The complexion became blackened from all this. If anything gives life to a person, it is piety; if anything adorns him, it is piety; If anything makes God and people pleasing, it is piety. Godliness is profitable for all things, having the promise of the present life and the life to come [1 Tim. 4, 8]. So what? Many, many people neglect this piety and follow the path of wickedness. What is the end for them? – Dishonor and death, temporary and eternal. Christian! You are a warrior of Christ, fight all sin constantly, no matter in what form sin appears to you: whether in the form of sweetness or in the form of bitter irritation; in the form of anger, envy, hostility or despondency, or entertainment; whether in the form of stinginess and love of money and hardness of heart, or in the form of extravagance and luxury; whether in the form of laziness in prayer and public worship and in zeal for the theater and worldly hobbies and walks; whether in the form of earthly arrogance, foolish wisdom and neglect of the word of the Gospel and the word of the Church and zeal for reading secular books, magazines and newspapers. There was a memorial service in the Cathedral on the fortieth day on the occasion of the death of Sofia Alexandrovna Lesovskaya. I was attacked by timidity, embarrassment and fear before the funeral service, which I barely overcame with prayer at the altar. There were noble and rich ladies, some generals - Zeleny and Komarovsky, all Catholic, German and English pastors. Father Matthew spoke well. Oh, how weak in spirit and dead in heart I am. I come to life only by the grace of God! Great is the name of the Lord! Great is the grace of God! Wednesday. I thank the Lord for reviving me, dead with sins, with life-giving Mysteries during the Liturgy. He was dead and came to life instantly upon receiving the Holy Mysteries into his mouth. In the evening I had dinner again. I ate boiled whitefish and did poorly: I had to walk in the fresh air because of the heaviness in my stomach, although I ate a little. Strong erection at night. I also say: don’t eat at night. The Lord of the belly revived me again with the communion of His holy Mysteries, when I was dead through sins, and especially through satiety; and again, insensitive and ungrateful, after early mass I ate and drank needlessly and made it a burden for myself, and again I went for a walk as a reveler, but the thing is worth it - a sermon and a lesson! Eat once a day - only lunch. I was worse than cattle before God last night: after the christening at Bogdanov’s I drank tea with pretzels, drank two glasses of liqueur, and ate sweet and sour bread with caviar and herring. Well, that would be enough, but no: I came home - again for tea, again for sweet and sour bread and ate three slices with butter, and drank two glasses of tea, fortunately I have an appetite. Oh, speechlessness! Oh, a delicacy! Oh, gluttony! Oh, gluttony! When will I accept and firmly fulfill my desire - not to eat or drink twice at the same time and not to eat at all in the evening! So the burden in my back and throughout my body from gluttony cries out at me! By depicting the sign of the cross with three fingers - the large ones of the right hand and two smaller ones, we remind ourselves that we must constantly have the name of the Holy Trinity in our thoughts and hearts and sanctify it, glorify it not only with our lips, but also with our deeds, just like the name of Jesus Christ, our God and Savior. Alas for me! Instead of the flame of love for God, I allowed the flame of violent passions into the sanctuary of my heart! So what will I do? Where is my first kindness after my rebirth through the bath of rebirth? Where is the heavenly sanctification in the life-giving anointing? Everything was ruined by deadly, ugly sin. The couch potato, Father Matthew, my brother, does not want to go to christenings, although, as a regular, he should go, and he does not want to replace me, although I replace him, and all for the sake of laziness and love of money, because money does not go into his wide and full pocket. And now I will not write down the money I earned in the parish, or I will only write half of it, for abundance and wealth plunged my brother into laziness, pride, hard-heartedness, and stinginess. God! See and judge. And you, brother, eat and drink, collect silver, have fun and wait for God’s judgment! The fathers hardly go anywhere for services, they only get a lot of money lying on their sides and they still don’t want to replace me on time! No, let the sons of light be wiser than the sons of this world [Lk. 16:8], let the poor be given a portion, which my money-loving and lazy brothers have no right to use. Friday. Be patient! Have mercy on us, admonishing us and punishing us. I thank the Lord for the immeasurable mercy that was poured out on me many times this morning, when I stood in the church during Matins, preparing to celebrate the Liturgy; The Lord repeatedly delivered me from severe sins and gave me peace, and during the liturgy after communion of the Holy Mysteries, He poured out ineffable mercy, reviving me, dead in sins, taking away the burden and tightness from my entire being, heavenly peace, surpassing the mind, giving me breadth and joy of heart. Glory to the Lord for this! God! Behold, I delight You: grant me the petition of my heart, which I lay before You in the church for the rich and for the poor. Let the hard-hearted and proud be ashamed and dismayed and groan; let the rich be honored 122 and let the poor and wretched rejoice; Let the members of the clergy be ashamed, those who covet 123 and hold back wealth, these old, old ones, who have grown old in the love of money. Wake up! Wake up! Amen. Lord Jesus! Test our hearts and wombs! (How cramped it was during mass and how I came to life after communion!!!) His heart is for everyone and about everyone - and everyone’s hearts are for him and about him. This is the reward of love! Does the lover of money and the self-loving have this? I thank the Lord and praise the Lord and extol the Lord for yesterday’s mercy, shown to me through the prayer of my repentance and my petition, as if he took away the sins of frivolity and contemplation of mine and gave me grace to help me perform the Mystery of Baptism with Bogdanov in the house of N.M. Semenov. God's holy apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints - wonderful fruits of the saving Christian faith, eternal witnesses of the truth of the Christian faith and the power of God, accomplished in our weaknesses, our prayers - and at the same time the denunciation of our laziness, negligence, addiction to earthly things (proskomedia and the rest of the liturgy). By the grace of God, I slept very peacefully, without any pain in the lower back, this is a) from lean light food - fish soup and fish and b) from lack of sleep during the day. Glory to the Lord! September 22. My joy, Lord! I thank You, for You gave me yesterday (22nd) the grace to peacefully and joyfully perform the Sacrament of Holy Baptism in the building where the women's gymnasium is; my brother, Father Matthew, did not go, and he did me no good. Do not make him a sin of laziness and disobedience. I thank the Lord, who strengthened me after extreme weakness, who pacified me after confusion, who made me joyful after sorrow, who spread me after distress, who strengthened me after weakness after communion of the Holy Mysteries on Sunday, at late mass. But again he did not preserve the Holy Gift through intemperance. Have mercy, have mercy, Lord! After the christening in Nikolai Ivanovich Valuev’s apartment, I drank three glasses of sherry and ate a good piece of pie with cabbage and fish, and ate smoked whitefish, and at home I had cabbage soup and a piece of pie with cabbage, and drank two glasses of tea. I glorify the ineffable power and mercy of my God, who performed on my soul the miracle of spiritual resurrection after the communion of the Holy, Divine, life-giving and terrible Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood during the Liturgy. The death of the soul, accompanied by extreme tightness in the insides, occurred from my gluttony and satiety the day before (at Shlyapnikov’s I drank tea with a bun, and at home I drank tea again and had a snack). The enemy ignited the fire of malice against Father Deacon Peter A. Sofronov, and only through the power of Christ’s grace through my prayer did it go out, and the violence and torment of the devil ceased. The prayer service was served by a triumphant, touched spirit. At home, the Lord saved me many times that same day. In the evening, he again did not maintain moderation: he ate enough cabbage soup - third-rate, partly meat, then he ate two baked apples, then he drank two full cups of coffee and a glass and a half of tea; tea and especially coffee were superfluous: I felt burdened by them. After Vespers, I served a prayer service with a peasant and drank a glass of sherry and port wine and ate some pie - again too much. I sinned: at home in the evening I ate grapes and pears, then late in the evening I drank milk and tea - again too much. It was very hard for the heart at Matins on September 26: the enemy turned them around as if they were powerless. He prayed earnestly to God for deliverance from the wiles of the enemy. Runny nose, nerve irritation. I sing and extol the ineffable mercy and generosity and power of my God, for He soon heard me before the beginning of the Liturgy and forgave my sin, took away my tightness and sorrow, and gave me His heavenly peace, and helped me to perform the Liturgy without stumbling, with a free spirit, and after the communion of the Holy Mysteries His wonderful life gave me, rejoiced, sweetened, strengthened, encouraged, touched. But, having become angry with the beggars after the walk, he lost his peace and fell into great despondency and anxiety and spiritual distress; after a sincere prayer in repentance, he again received His mercy. Glory to the Lord! Bless the Lord, my soul, to order to sing in church until half of the psalm, as in St. Isaac's Cathedral in St. Petersburg. What a nasty feeling in my mouth from yesterday’s smoking of tobacco – cigars! And my head hurts, and my sleep was bad because of the cigar! God! Grant me to finally hate and give up this whim! Just yesterday I noticed that smoking produces an unnatural heat in the blood, throughout the entire body and, like poison, infects the blood! Be gone poison! Away with this whim that is contrary to God and His saints! Sardines with Provencal butter and sherry are also bad - they are hot and excite lust! Lenten food strengthens! We need a fast one! Or counter another fortress! I thank, praise and extol the Lord for saving me, a great sinner, from cramped conditions, sorrow and embarrassment before mass after anger towards the poor: I repented, fell to the throne of mercy and grace and received forgiveness in peace. I thank the Lord for the wonderful state of peace after communion and for the granting of forgiveness of sins after a new grief at the beggars who were chasing me along the road. I threatened the police and called the watchman. But he sinned before God again by not giving the beggar what he needed, although he begged strongly, and at home at dinner he got angry with his wife and threw his fork into the roast and stained the tablecloth. Oh, unbridled temper! Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Why did I eat meat today when I was full? Was it the meat that gave me anger? For when there is tightness in the insides due to satiety, then a person becomes angry. Apart from coffee with cream and crackers, there was nothing to eat until the evening. I thank the most merciful Lord, faithful in His promises, who drove out the spirits of evil, dirty tricks, from the servant of God Franz Osipov, a Catholic, who resorted to the Orthodox Church and to me, a sinful and indecent servant of God, Priest John. Glory to the grace of God, constantly working in our Church for the salvation of believers and those who resort to it! September 28, 1873. Friday. Raw cream, milk at night or after dinner is a wonderful thing for me, scrofulous: my chest is clean, healthy, my voice is powerful, clear, loud. This is what gluttony and satiety, eating and drinking excessively in the evening (two glasses of tea with cream and two glasses of milk with bread and crackers) have brought me to! Today, after mass, after the peace of God on the poor, he was furious, he pulled his hair, hit him lightly in the face with an umbrella, scolded him, and reviled him because he insistently demanded alms—payment for boots and supports. I felt sorry for my money, but didn’t I receive it for nothing from the Lord? Where is self-sacrifice for Christ? Where is the fulfillment of the words of the Forerunner: he who has two clothes, give to the poor [Lk. 3 , I]? Lord, have mercy and heal! Where is the fulfillment of the words: I live not for myself, but for You, our Master and Benefactor 124. Oh, how the tempter tempted me! Oh, how my passions have tempted me! O flesh! Oh, womb! Oh, poor soul who suffers because of them! Isn't peace of mind more valuable than anything else? Is it a big deal to buy those in need what they want? What would it be like for you if people, not to say God, began to judge you with the same judgment with which you judge beggars, and neighbors, and comrades? ABOUT! It would be extremely difficult for you; Life wouldn't be good for you then. Judge leniently, remembering the infirmity, weakness, and sinfulness of man. How should we judge Leopardov? I can't imagine. God alone knows: from the sexton's children, an actual state councilor, a rich man, a terrible bribe-taker and, to top it all, stingy and hard-hearted, uncompassionate! But I am not a judge - may God forgive him or judge him according to His righteousness. I am more sinful than him. Compare your situation with the situation of the beggars: what do you have and what do they have: you have a good apartment, clothes in abundance, food and drink too, and even - oh, happiness and bliss! Every day there is Divine food and Divine drink - the Body and Blood of the Lord Himself, the giver of life, but they have none of this! You drink wine every day, and they, when they have something to buy, in order to console themselves somewhat in the misery of poverty. They are humble, meek, like sheep, they do not argue, they do not cry out when they are scolded and annoyed, they are patient and endure everything, but you are proud, majestic, contemptuous, a killer, impudent, cruel, a scolder! From now on, stop being such and reward them for their insult, give them in simplicity, kindly, diligently. I commemorate the great good deed of my Lord Jesus Christ, revealed to me during the Sunday all-night vigil in the Duma church; there was tightness and coldness in my soul before the all-night vigil, during the all-night vigil until God the Lord appeared to us; Then, wanting to get rid of this painful state, I forced myself to think, where do I stand? – Before the throne, as in heaven, together with the holy Angels. Who am I speaking to? - To the Lord of creation, visible and invisible, to the Lord of glory. How do I stand, praying for myself, for my immeasurable sins and for people’s? Who am I? - Absolute insignificance, sin, weakness, infirmity. Where do I stand? - As if on Golgotha, before a terrible, amazingly great and saving event, before the Lord crucified for the sins of the world and my sins, whose Most Pure Body is broken for us hitherto for the remission of sins, whose Most Pure Blood is hitherto, hitherto poured out for the remission of the sins of the world and mine. Who am I? - Ungrateful, malicious, crafty, envious, stingy, greedy, wayward, impatient, lazy, careless, dull, proud, ambitious and proud. – With such reflection, tenderness, warmth, peace, freedom, space, spiritual joy were born. I read the Gospel well, loudly, clearly, only the enemy tore out three or four words at the end, it was pitiful and annoying. During the censing of the church at Praise the name of the Lord, the heart was wounded by partiality and contemplation. Through prayer and tears I drove away this heart ulcer. I thank the Lord for the resurrection of me, deadened by sins, for the renewal of me, corrupted, for the intercession of me, weak. I thank the Lord, who showed me help in serving the liturgy alone (I am alone without a deacon). At the penultimate litany, as if our God, the Lover of Mankind, received me into His holy and heavenly and mental Altar, into the stench of the spiritual fragrance, He would bestow upon us Divine grace and the gift of the Holy Spirit, which I did not express out of timidity and distrust of myself; I also stole the last litany to myself. The air from painting the floors in the church was very heavy. I thank the Lord, who revived me with the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who took away my drunkenness, which I suffered at dinner in the Duma hall; Through prayer and tears of tenderness the Lord took away [my wine] and gave me sobriety and firm speaking. Tikhon of Zadonsk (1723 – 1783), saint, spiritual writer; from 1763 - Bishop of Voronezh; at the end of his life he lived in retirement in the Zadonsky Monastery. Glorified by miracles, he was canonized in 1861. His memory is August 13 (26). “There was one elder Vissarion, who had no property and was merciful. Arriving in one village, he saw a dead beggar without any clothes in the market. He himself was wearing only one piece of shit, according to the commandment of the Gospel, and also a small epancha on his shoulders [a wide, long cloak without sleeves - Ed.]. Apart from this robe, he had nothing. He always carried the Gospel under his arm, whether to test himself in constant obedience to the word of God or in order to have with him the teaching, which he fulfilled by his own deed. This husband led such a wonderful and blameless life that it was as if an earthly angel was sacredly following the heavenly path. So, when he saw the dead body, he immediately took off his cap and covered the dead man with it. Having walked away a little, he met a beggar, completely naked, stopped and began to think: “Why do I, having renounced the world, put on clothes, while my brother is freezing from the cold? If I let him die, then, of course, I will be the cause of the death of my neighbor. Well? Should I tear my clothes and divide them into pieces, or should I give them all to him who was created in the image of God? But what good will it do to me and him if I tear it apart piece by piece? “Reflecting in this way, he said: “Will I really suffer any harm when I do more than I was commanded?” And so this good ascetic diligently and quickly called the poor man into the vestibule of one house, put his sarbita on him and sent him away, while he himself remained naked, covered himself with his hands and sat down, only under his arm was the word of God, which makes people rich. At this time, by the will of Providence, one guardian of order passed by. He recognized the elder and said to his comrade: “Look, is this elder Abba Vissarion?” He answered: “Indeed he is.” Then he got off his horse and asked the saint: “Who stripped you?” Abba extended his hand with the Gospel and said: “Here it is that undressed me!” The guardian immediately took off his clothes and said: “Here you go, perfect warrior!” The saint took it and immediately secretly departed from the world, carrying with him what looked like a small monastic robe. He tried to avoid praise from a person who recognized his virtue, and secretly expected hidden glory. Having fulfilled exactly the gospel rule and no longer having anything worldly in his soul, he showed further experience of the most perfect observance of the Divine commandment. On the road he saw a poor man, immediately ran to the market and sold the Gospel. A few days later, the abba’s disciple, named Dula, asked the elder: “Where, abba, is your little book?” The elder calmly and intelligently answered him: “Don’t be sad, brother! To show that I have faith and obedience to the word of God, I sold this word, which always spoke to me: Sell what you have and give to the poor... (Matthew 19:21) "". See: Palladius, Bishop of Elenopol. Lavsaik, or the story of the life of the holy and blessed fathers. Chapter “About Vissarion”. Akathist to Our Sweetest Lord Jesus Christ. Kontakion 1st. They will be worthy (church glory) - they will be worthy, they will receive. Gobzuschie (Church Glav.) – rich, happy, successful in their affairs. 1st prayer of thanksgiving for Holy Communion. You might be interested in: