Июнь 1869 г.

June 1st. I was greatly tempted today before the liturgy because of an old vestment, which the archpriest ordered to be given to me for service. I was upset with him for his stinginess, which is why he regrets giving a decent gift even on Sunday. Throughout the mass there was heaviness and crampedness and bitterness within me. He was weak in spirit and body. He performed the Holy Gifts calmly; received communion with faith and boldness. He performed Vespers with a weak spirit, stumbling from confusion and fear. Before evening I slept. At lunch I ate cheesecake; drank a glass of English bitter vodka. After Vespers, during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism, during the service of a prayer service and parting words, the patient calmed down and was cleansed in spirit. Oh, what weakness does excess food and drink bring to the soul! When I came home, I was upset because my wife didn’t give me my favorite piece, although I knew that she did this out of her love for me and jealousy to keep me from everything harmful. How capricious and voluptuous I am! He got angry with his wife because of a sweet piece and, embittered, did not want to eat anything! Where is the mind? Where is the reasoning, the meaning? Where is patience, meekness, kindness? Where is the quietness and humility? Where is marital and Christian love? Is it because of a sweet piece that we deprive ourselves of the Divine peace and offend the Spirit of grace and our Lord Jesus Christ? God! Those who have sinned before You! Have mercy, have mercy, have mercy on me! O all-evil, all-evil, voluptuous, stupid, blind, wayward, selfish, proud, vain, lazy flesh! - How am I not crucifying you yet? Crucify panache, a delicacy of the flesh; crucify her pride, ambition and vanity; crucify anger, envy and ill will; crucify despondency, laziness, and drowsiness; crucify the fear from the sight of the perishable and ephemeral beauty of man. Always be on guard of your heart. Why do we most often have grief, quarrels and discord? Because of clothes, food, drink, advantages, because of money, because of housing, because of women and the like - in a word, because of earthly attachments. And how much we suffer in soul and body from these addictions, and for all that we have not yet learned to seek with all our might the heavenly blessings and to despise the earthly ones, we have not learned to live in mutual love and peace and value these latter blessings above all else and to sacrifice everything perishable, earthly, and temporary to preserve them. Mental animals live in us, namely: pride, ambition, envy, malice, passion for food and drink, clothing, passion for advantages and distinctions, vanity, fornication, despondency, despair, discontent, willfulness, rebellion, stubbornness. Happy is he who knows himself and will slay these beasts every day. We must be grateful to those people who, through the action of God, through their relationships towards us, reveal the presence of these animals in us. Although this is regrettable and irritates us, we must endure the disgust and endure the ferocity of unsatisfied passion. For example, they don’t give you the clothes you love, the badge you’re impatiently waiting for, a tasty morsel. A madman, a senseless brute, I am constantly being stolen from by gluttony and greed! Every day I indulge in this ungodly delicacy! June 3rd day 1869. I received everything from God, I have nothing of my own - why do I begrudge sweet food, and drink, and money, and clothes for my neighbor, or even a home, as if it were mine? How long will I not take this into account and how long will I offend God and my neighbor with my pride and selfishness? How long is pride? June 3rd. I thank the Lord, who performed a great miracle of His goodness and power on me during this Liturgy, who cleansed my sin, its exemplar - death 84 - who killed in me both life and His Divine shrine, who gave me peace, space, freedom and boldness, and who miraculously transformed me. What is better and closer to the truth: is it better to wear the image of the Crucified One on wood or gold on one’s chest and in the sight of others and sometimes not love Him Himself in the heart - or to wear Him Himself in the heart, for example, through the communion of the Holy Mysteries? Of course, it is better and closer to the truth of Himself to carry in the heart, and His peace, and His shrine, and love for Him alone, not divided adulterously between gold and Himself, for for many the golden cross began to serve as an excuse for vanity and pride. Is the Image or the Prototype more valuable? Of course the prototype. And if everyone had prototypes within themselves, then there would be no need for images and icons. And in the thoughts of your heart, do not despise anyone, do not envy anyone, do not be rude to anyone, do not annoy anyone, do not argue with anyone zealously - so that the devil does not constantly rob you and do not hate your brother in reality, when meeting with him. Likewise, do not imagine anyone’s beautiful face and do not enjoy it internally, lest your imagination and your flesh become inflamed, and lest the devil tempt you with carnal love. What am I missing? I have everything by the goodness of God, despite the fact that I give daily to the poor. And the Lord sends me, does not allow me to become poor. Why should I be discouraged when giving alms, why should I be irritated and indignant at the beggars? Serve God to the end, glorify the name of God and the order of the priesthood. Let your light shine before men [Matt. 5, 16]. Why did I go crazy - I was furious at the beggars who were relentlessly pursuing me, and in a rage I pinched one of them in the hand through the clothes? Why does my well-fed flesh rage? Is it because I am deprived of acquisitions, money, and she is covetous? Did I give away my last? Where is the compassion for poverty? Where is the love for your neighbor as for yourself? Where are the ouds 85 of Christ? Where is the body united? Where is the faith, where is the hope in Christ, the nourisher and provider of all creation? Where is heavenly residence? Where is the impartiality towards earthly things? Alas, my soul, evil, proud, covetous, self-loving, you are all attached to earthly things and have forgotten what is above, you are a partaker of the Divine Body and Blood! (June 3. After Vespers. How I do not value the peace of God, which there is nothing more valuable! How harmful confusion is for soul and body! How the blood is agitated! How the spirit, this church of God, is corrupted!) Here is a cruel and inexorable deity - our flesh, which constantly demands countless sacrifices for itself: now selected foods and drinks, now various kinds of tobacco, now decorated chambers, now luxurious dachas, now theaters, clubs, now fashionable clothes, now countless pieces of silver, and so on and so forth - and which itself will finally be a soulless corpse, will be eaten by worms and mixed with dust - with that ashes that we now trample underfoot. And the more sacrifices we make to this idol of flesh, the more he rages, the more he demands, the more he scourges his slaves; take as an example a lover of money, a drunkard, a glutton, a gambler, a passionate smoker, a lover of theaters, masquerades, a fornicator and others. The more one eats, the more greedy one becomes. The more deliciously I eat, the more furious I am at the beggars when they relentlessly follow me and ask me. We need to eat and drink more moderately and simply; about abstinence from jealousy, about fasting, about mortification and enslavement of one’s flesh. I pacify and enslave my body so that, while preaching to others, I myself may not remain unworthy [1 Cor. 9, 27]. The matter could have been done simply, calmly, but we will stir up the abyss, we will accumulate an abyss of evil due to our stupidity and our addiction to the temporary and our lack of hope in God’s providence. Why do I fatten and satisfy this beast in every possible way - my flesh, my adversary, the destroyer of my soul, the adversary of the heavenly dwelling, the accomplice and friend of the devil, this rot, this dust? is it a stench? this opponent of the gospel life, opponent of love for God and neighbor? From it comes pride, malice, blasphemy, covetousness, insults, the evil eye, fornication and adultery, theft, and false witness. By hating another, you first of all do harm to yourself; by hurting another, you hurt yourself; in every sin, the one who commits the sin is pitiful, first of all, and therefore every sinner is worthy of pity. Do not sin in word, deed, or thought. Until now I am an idolater, despite the frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, until now I please my belly and, as it were, lay down my life in eating and drinking, like the Jews, about whom it is said: the people sat down to eat and drink, and then stood up to play [Ex. 32, 6]. Do not be... idolaters [1 Cor. 10, 7]. Sobaiona makes me a dog (a delicious dish of bread fried with eggs, raisins, sugar, sherry). Doesn’t this smoking tobacco, this burnt cigar and cigarette contribute to the ignition of the flesh and carnal passions, like wine and beer consumed in excess and at the wrong time; Doesn't this sweet tea, this sweet coffee, consumed in excess, overstimulate the flesh? Is it not necessary for Christians who committed themselves at baptism to mortify and enslave their body [1 Cor. 9, 27] and do not commit carnal knowledge in lust [Rom. 13, 14], to be dead to sin and alive to God [Rom. 6, 11], take care to curb the lusts of the flesh and abandon the excessive use of everything that has been said? And what excess there is, my God! Some people will burn fifty to sixty cigarettes or five to twenty cigars a day! She will drink from six to twenty glasses of tea a day, with a thin soup, and some coffee lovers will drink from eight to sixteen cups a day! And how much beer they drink! Why this disproportionate or exorbitant thickness, at which a person can barely move? From beer. O idolatry! Oh, womb! Why are there more cases of fornication and adultery than ever before? Why has youth become more depraved than before? Because now especially everyone allows themselves all kinds of gratification to carnal lusts, they kindle the unclean vessel of the flesh in every possible way - with tobacco, wine, tea, coffee, chocolate, and various other things. All buffoons, buffoons, astrologers, actors and actresses find a warm welcome in our city and sometimes receive a huge sum in one or two or three hours - but there is no one to look after the beggars, even if they die of hunger and cold. Out of vanity, a shelter for children and a canteen for the poor were set up - and this shelter, useful for a few, decisively deprived the largest part of the poor of all alms. Crowds go to the theater, to a club, to a physics or astronomical performance, to a lecture, but scientists and rich smart people don’t even want to go to church. Draw up a program of actions for the priest or archpriest and the dean in relation to the clergy, to the parishioners (in particular, one must take care of the connection between both) and act in accordance with the program constantly, striving in every possible way to implement it. The less external goods - food, clothing, money, the better: the more spiritual freedom, soaring to heights. Why do I regret giving alms generously? The devil turns me away from alms: he attacks the poor, he oppresses the heart, he butts me, he inflames me with love for acquisition, he inspires distrust in Providence. Do not drink milk at night. I don’t need fast food at all and it’s harmful. Sleeping during the day in the summer is very harmful. We forget to constantly mortify and enslave our flesh, but it does not forget to constantly mortify and enslave our soul. Isn't it always better to strive to mortify the flesh and enslave it to the soul? Posts, they say, are not needed. And they don’t fast: they eat only meat; and because of non-observance of fasts, fornication is especially at war - and so frequent desecration of the body by fornication occurs, and the church of God is corrupted. Do those who break fasts know about this connection between modest food and uncleanness? They trust doctors in everything, not the Church and priests. The doctor will prescribe intercourse for health as a prescription, and the patient must listen to the doctor - to deliberately violate the commandment of God. And the Church would prescribe for such a patient fasting and prayer with prostrations and lying on the bare ground. The disembodied enemy forces one to sin through violence, sorrow, goring or pity (therefore pitying something, for example, sweets, money, clothes for a neighbor), incitement, illness, and aching of the heart. You must resist the enemy with firm faith and not fulfill the lusts of your heart - and he will flee. What corruptible flesh! The more well-fed he is, the more greedy and furious he becomes; The richer she is, the richer she wants to be - she’s ready to take everything away from everyone and take possession of it herself. Long ago I should have been careless about earthly blessings and placed all my trust in the Nourisher of every creature, for until now for forty years the Lord has generously fed me and given me everything I need, but to seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness in myself and in others. But the Kingdom of God has not yet come to me, for I often rush about and do not find peace within myself. I must acquire simplicity of heart, according to which I must constantly consider all the diversity of earthly blessings to be rubbish, dust, decay, pus, shadow, water bubbles, and consider heavenly blessings to be essential, eternal, which is what they are. Earthly blessings trouble the spirit, and heavenly ones pacify: those blessings are a moth for the heart, a sucking worm or a serpent stinging the soul, and these (heavenly) ones are a healing and fragrant balm for the heart, peace, joy, freedom, space. Why do they sometimes run away from our sermons? Because the listeners instinctively sense that the preacher himself does not do what he says and is a hypocrite in the church pulpit, namely: that the virtues about which he preaches are an unknown country for himself, or even the vices opposite to these virtues; that he, placing unbearable burdens on human shoulders, does not want to touch them with his finger [Matt. 23, 4; OK. 11, 46 ]; or because the preacher in the pulpit allows himself insolence indecent to his rank, for example, orders the church doors to be locked, or allows indecent manners that arouse smiles and disgust. Our people have a thirst for listening to the word of God, but the preachers themselves often put themselves in an unfavorable attitude towards the laity and thereby alienate their listeners. By allowing quick meals during Lent, you pronounce judgment on yourself; preferring pleasant and nutritious and forbidden foods to the commandments of the church and to your spiritual salvation, you yourself decide the question of what you are looking for: what is above or what is below - what are you looking for exactly what is below. By seeking and desiring sweet foods, you show that you are a slave of the belly. Wouldn’t you like to eat cracked black bread with water more often and have your entire lunch in this? It’s terrible how much time my womb takes away from pleasing God, how it paralyzes my soul, my spiritual aspirations! How it takes me away from God and God from me! This is the worst idol! I thank the Lord for granting me to be a teacher of the law in the gymnasium - this is a great benefit for my soul: if I were not a teacher of the law, I would work in my free time on my passions, but now - whether I want it or not - I work for God, and this work is life-giving. I thank the Lord, who has granted grace and mercy to partake with boldness of the Divine Mysteries (June 4) and to perform Matins and Liturgy without stumbling. God! Have mercy on me, fallen. And to this day I daily fall into great and grave sins: pride, malice, envy, fornication, gluttony, intemperance, laziness, covetousness and other sins. June 4. After Vespers. I served a prayer service to the Savior, the Iveron Mother of God and some saints: Panteleimon, Antipas, St. John and Pimen, at the request of Grechukhina. Before the Gospel everything went smoothly; Gospel: Ask, and it will be given [Matt. 7, 7], and: In those days I read calmly, smoothly, but on the Gospel to the martyrs: Nothing is covered [Lk. 12, 2] in words: Are not five birds valued... [Lk. 12, 6], having doubted - not about the truth of the words, but about the reprimand - he stumbled and finished with the omissions, in anxiety, thinking about third parties and, it seems, about the archpriest; During the litany of water and prayer, he stumbled from the sting of the enemy. Oh, how evil and treacherous he is! He aroused anger against the archpriest’s father! From this I clearly see that all anger towards one’s neighbor, all envy and pride comes from the devil. Grant me, Lord, to keep myself clean from his dirty tricks - from anger, pride, envy. Anger towards the poor is also from the devil. Give me, Lord, the grace to have pity on the poor and to give them alms with love - and willingly. I thank the Lord, who gave me the opportunity to baptize two babies before the liturgy: this served to my own cleansing, pacification from passions and filling with grace and to a more worthy celebration of the liturgy. May I commend myself and my whole belly to Christ God. I thank the Lord for Lenten food, so light, so pleasant! Oh, how light Lenten food is compared to fast food! How convenient it is to exercise after eating! And after the emergency it’s difficult to study, it’s even impossible - it’s hard: the stomach is difficult to cook. God! Give me Your wisdom and teach me to love poverty and simplicity and remove from my heart the desire for a golden pectoral cross and gold and silver in general; teach me to be crucified to You and to love the wood of the cross on which You were crucified, and not blinding sight and a heart of gold, for the cross is now revered for the sake of gold, and not for the sake of the Crucified One. Let me remember that gold about which You speak in the Apocalypse: I advise [Russian: I advise] you to buy from Me gold kindled with fire, so that you may become rich [Rev. 3, 18], that is, a soul purified in the fire of sorrows. But earthly gold is vain and perishable, it does not give life, it does not give peace and freedom to the spirit, on the contrary - languor and oppression. Put on Christ [Gal. 3, 27] - that means deified and seated with Him on His throne. When the enemy stirs up enmity in the heart of a brother and brings sorrow, oppression and confusion, then we must immediately, with God’s help, reject the enmity, knowing from whom it comes, and try to love the brother as one’s own member, and, if this happens during the service, when we say prayers, litanies, exclamations, not pay attention to the machinations of the enemy, do not be embarrassed by them and boldly continue our work, for the enemy in every possible way tries to confuse us during worship and mix us up. A quarrelsome person like me quarrels over empty things, not appreciating the Divine world and not respecting the person of his neighbor. It is a disaster for him if someone does something against his wishes and not according to his thoughts - for he is proud and self-willed. It’s a disaster if someone calls him a swear word or a truthful word that exposes some of his sins or shortcomings, a vice, and he is constantly hurt and worried; he is his own enemy. For example, someone is convinced that they should water flowers with cold water, but instead their wife or family stubbornly water them with hot water - this is what makes the first person angry, although perhaps hot water is healthier. We must hold on to love, which is patient, is not easily provoked, and endures everything [1 Cor. 13, 4 – 7]. By hurting an arm or a leg or any other member, you are hurting yourself, for the arms and legs are your members; Likewise, by hurting or offending one of your neighbors, you hurt and offend yourself, for your neighbors are your members. Therefore, spare everyone - and you will save yourself. Give up your attachment to things, because because of them, most often we offend our neighbors. Every day, every hour, every minute, we all need a Savior, for we constantly sin, we perish spiritually, we incur the wrath of the Heavenly Father: we sin with all-destructive malice - we need a Savior from malice; we sin with poisonous envy - we need a Savior from envy; we sin with prodigal, soul-suppressed thoughts and lusts - we need a Savior from prodigal lusts; we are wounded by pride, ambition or irritability - and again we need a Savior; We are wounded by nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts - and from them we need a Doctor and Savior. And whoever lives by faith in the Lord Jesus Christ always prays to Him, calls on Him and finds in Him a Doctor and Savior ready for every hour and minute. This is what the Christian faith is, this is what it leads to, what benefits it brings - the salvation of souls from sins; The end of your faith is the salvation of souls, says the Apostle [1 Pet. 1, 9]. Here on earth is the initial, and after death, complete and final salvation from sins and from the devil. The Lord turned water into wine at the wedding in order to show that the essence of His faith consists in transforming people from sinners to saints, from sons of darkness to sons of light, from old to new. And He continually performs this final transformation with believers and repentants. That is why during the Liturgy the bread is transformed into the Body, and the wine into the Blood of Christ. The more delicious, fatty [food] you eat, the stronger the temptations, the weaker the soul. Every day sin works hard in us. Why don't we work for the Lord? Wretched ones, we daily work against sin through gluttony, satiety, drunkenness, fornication, irritability, envy, covetousness, laziness, and despondency. Grant me, Lord, to hate not my brother, but my old man with all his indignations and passions. Give me, Lord, unfeigned love for You and for those created in Your image, destroying the machinations of the enemy. We are all one body: let us be united by the spirit of love; enmity is from an alien spirit, the spirit of malice, let us flee it. Let us forgive each other's sins: they are from our envious person. Let us be patient and long-suffering. With an expansive heart, pray for everyone, as the Church teaches, and do not grieve or be upset with anyone, as the enemy inspires, not allowing you to pronounce certain words and names. Be calm in loss and gain, in honor and dishonor, in prosperity and poverty. Extinguish the fire of earthly love in me, Lord: the fire of the love of gold and the love of money and all earthly splendor, the fire of carnality, voluptuousness, ambition, the fire of malice, envy, pride. I am poor; My poverty consists of passions of all kinds and deprivation of all virtue, strength for evil, zeal for it, ardent passion, nailing down to earthly things and coldness, alienation towards heavenly things. My essay is poorly written. This essay is a virtue. I’m writing everything on the wrong topic. But the real theme is: love God and your neighbor. God give me a heavenly heart, but not an earthly one. Woe be in vain. Be dead to earthly beauty, to money, bright clothes, all kinds of amusements and luxury, to the sweets of food and drink, to honor and insults. Our passions - ambition, pride, vanity, envy, malice, lust, covetousness, fornication, intemperance - are mental beasts. We must thank the Lord that He reveals to us, albeit through sad incidents, these beasts nesting within us. But many people don’t even suspect them. Temptations sent to us from God allow us to get to know these beasts. That is why temptations are necessary. God! At this time, you saw my inner opposition to the order of Father Archpriest about the early start of Matins due to the service of two early lunches; You see the confusion and tightness of my heart that came from this sin: the wages of sin is death [Rom. 6, 23]. God! I repent of my sin, of my resistance to the devil and I pray to You: forgive me the wickedness of my heart and teach me quickly, willingly, with joy to carry out the orders of my superior, not to resist Your law. Obedience is better than sacrifice [1 Sam. 15, 22]. I excuse myself by fulfilling the rules of the house of worship; May I get up earlier than usual - awaken me, Lord, earlier - and fulfill this rule or shorten it and hasten to the church. Let me not perish, O Lord, in the strife of Kore 86. And what kind of work, what kind of obstacle to fulfilling the desire of the abbot? - Just pride. June 6. After Matins. Lord, I thank You for the strength You showed in me during Matins, for the forgiveness of the Fall, for taking away spiritual confusion and giving me peace and boldness, and for serving with boldness and sincerity. (Fathers Archpriests Paul and Matthew were at Matins - early mass in the cathedral before Parental Saturday of the Trinity.) O Lord, abundantly merciful, do not forsake Thy mercy henceforth. As long as I hold on to the Lord with all my heart, so long will I be calm, brave, majestic; but as soon as I fall away from Him through some mental sin or through a sinful feeling of the heart, I am immediately embarrassed, worried, languid, lost in spirit, and the word does not fit in my mouth. Grant, O Lord, that with all my heart and with all my thought and with all my strength I will always cling to You, until my last breath. Grant this to all Your people. Our youth has known for a long time that man was created in the image and likeness of God, but how does it preserve this image of God from the filth of sin? Very many, [if] not all, know that we have been redeemed from sin, curse and death - but are these those who know not buying into sin, curse and death again? All Satans have been denied - but are they really denied? All were combined with Christ - but were they combined, is there a couple of Christ and a Christian or a Christian woman? We were purified in Baptism, sanctified in Confirmation - do we preserve this purity and holiness? We are deified in Communion - do we believe in this deification, do we revere the greatness of the gift, do we try to live worthy of the gift of deification? Are we not carried away by various earthly passions? Where is the mountain life? The answer to the wish for a golden pectoral cross: not only do I have a cross myself, but I teach crosses to others every day (we talk about the sign of the cross). Are these crosses any less valid for the grace of Christ? You have a pectoral cross - but what if you don’t have one? The desire for the golden cross brings sorrow and tightness to the soul, and the desire for the sign of the cross brings peace and space. Why? Because there we desire gold and shine, but here we desire the grace of Christ. Oh, how much more valid is the sign of the cross than the golden cross! If in the golden cross we look at the gold and forget about the Crucified One, there is no benefit in it; if we forget about gold and look with the eyes of our hearts at the Crucified One, if we kiss him with our lips, soul and heart - then, of course, great benefit can come from it, and it happens, just as it happened to me. All the power and glory are in the Crucified One, and not in the substance of the cross. By the command of God, the earth and the sea serve you with all their products - how do you serve God, what fruits do you bring to Him? Vice walks around with its head open: girls and boys are shamelessly polite. Superstition and prejudice are a source of painful and empty fear (running mouse). Learn to think about everything and teach others the same: this will save you from many superstitious fears and prejudices and teach you many virtues. Thinking is light, non-thinking is darkness. The novice who spent the night with me (Ivan Okuskov) was a lesson in abstinence for me: how he refrained from eating caviar! And I'm looking for something tastier and bigger. June 6. Trinity Parents' Saturday. Today he served Matins, by the grace of God, smoothly and loudly, and spoke the great litany to all the persons of the royal house; after the litany, entering the altar, he saw the archpriest’s father, who, having venerated the throne, wanted to leave; I greeted him, but, noticing that his appearance seemed to be inflated, I neglected him in my heart and became embittered with him - and this is where the spirit of malice caught me and gave me a hot bath, so that I could not calmly stand in front of the table in the middle of the church, nor remember all those who had previously died; then I began to read a penitential psalm and barely begged the Lord to take away my anger and guilt [...], I sincerely condemned myself, my daydreaming, or accepting satanic ghosts as the truth; I prayed to the Lord that the Lord would grant me to love open and open enemies and, as if they were sick, to feel sorry for them and pray for them, and to feel sorry for every sinner as if they were sick, as if they were intoxicated with sin, as if they were in a fever, in a state of madness (leave madness [Prov. 9, 6 ]), as a madman (truly), so as not to ever be embittered towards anyone, but to love everyone sincerely, ardently, as children of one God, members of one body, as having the same soul, as created in the image and likeness of God, as having come from one person, from one blood [Acts. 17:26], as having the same weaknesses and the same enemies, that is, spirits of evil. Having arrived home, I went to bed, and in a dream I saw a terrible fire in which our house was burning; as if our apartment is below, and the house is wooden; Lisa was busy. I woke up and thanked God that it was a dream. In the church, Vasily was angry with the watchman for putting too much incense in the censer. Oh, impatience, effeminacy! anger! And incense is a healthy thing, especially in damp weather! All the passionate flesh is at war! June 7. Saturday Trinity. All-night vigil in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who, through my prayer and diligent seeking, has given me the grace of intense prayer and without stumbling to complete the entire all-night vigil, lithium prayer and everything. Oh, how good and sweet the Lord is to those who seek Him with all their hearts! How blissfully He fills those who seek Him with Himself! What a priceless and life-giving gift to us from the Lord - His Divine Mysteries of His Body and Blood. To them I owe peace of mind, health of the body, lightness and space of the heart and lightness of the body itself, which is alive and fast in me; I owe them my true life, the joys of life! But how hard it is for me when I don’t partake of the Divine Mysteries for a long time, for example, five or six days. How passions torment me then, how confused I am, what grief and distress there is! Then life is torture for me! Truly I say to you, unless you eat the Flesh of the Son of Man and drink His Blood, you will not have life in you [Jn. 6, 53]. Glory, glory, glory to Your life-giving Mysteries, Lord! In the absence of internal brilliance, the brilliance of virtues, which we do not value as much as we should, we chase external brilliance, after distinctions, after medals, after crosses or orders, forgetting that all the glory of a Christian person should be inside and that marks of distinction are incompatible with the spirit of Christianity, as a product of vanity and vanity. Whoever desires and strives for them shows an earthly spirit, not yet wounded by heavenly love. He who has known his poverty and his damnation does not tolerate external differences, external splendor - it is painful and disgusting for him: he wears humble clothes, but luxurious clothes and golden crosses are left to worldly and peace-loving people, he does not desire silver or gold stars as if they were lovely, knowing that only the righteous shine like lights in heaven, but here very often wicked people who have achieved distinction wear stars gifts and intrigues and human service. To the worldly - worldly, and to the spiritual - heavenly. How many are moving away from the Church, from congregational prayer and from the Sacraments. But as you move away from the Church, there is powerlessness for all good, and passions, weaknesses, and sorrows multiply and intensify; Our nature becomes shallow, banal, poorer, Christian love dries up, and its place is taken by extreme self-love, which does everything for itself and nothing for its neighbor. It is extremely harmful to move away from the Church! Who are the drunkards? - Those moving away from the Church. Who are the fornicators and adulterers? - Those moving away from the Church. Who are the lovers of money, the covetous, the offenders of their neighbor? - Those moving away from the Church. Who are the thieves? - Those moving away from the Church. Who are the rioters? - Those moving away from the Church. Who are the killers? - Those moving away from the Church! Who are the atheists and nihilists? - Those moving away from the Church. From created love, lift up my heart, Lover of mankind, to Your Divine love; ascend from earthly beauty to heavenly beauty; from the earthly, perishable brilliance - to the ever-essential light; from earthly sweetness to heavenly; from earthly glory to heavenly glory! I taste almost daily, by the unconditional mercy of my Master, the fruit of His cross - His Body and Blood. Oh, how much higher, dearer, more honest, sweeter they are than the very wood of the cross, I don’t say the golden cross, lest I be blinded by the gold. Here is my honor, here is my food and drink, here is my light, here is my sweetness, here is my strength! God! I thank You, for through my prayer You delivered me from all my fears and demonic tightness and powerlessness of heart, and You granted me, unworthy, the grace to perform alone, without stumbling, peacefully, with much strength, the entire Divine service on the greatest day of this Pentecost; I will sing and sing of Thy might [Ps. 20:14], Thy goodness and bounty, Trinitarian Master, Father, Son and Holy Soul, our God! June 8, 1869. Two o'clock in the afternoon. Oh, how the ethereal enemy eroded and weakened my heart! How it tormented me, brought me despondency and fear! Those who sinned - they offended the Spirit of the Holy Comforter on the day of His glorious descent upon the apostles by sparing the coveted bread (for the servants). On this day, especially, I should have been completely heavenly, having rejected all earthly addictions, but I again became addicted to food and belly. Save me, O Good Comforter, through the intercession of our Lord Jesus Christ, who sacrificed my sins for Himself, and for the sake of His all-powerful intercession, again dwell in me and cleanse me from all filth. Breathe into me Your life-giving breath and take me from the earthly and temporal, increasing, uplifting, arranging grief 87 . Lord, grant me to remove the log from my hair, and then I will remove the mote from my brother’s mind, for my sins are truly a log in comparison with my brother’s sins, for which I would like to wipe him off the face of the earth: such is our malice. Love covers the sins of one’s neighbor, as if seeing them, but does not see them, but malice reveals and increases them, in the expression of popular speech, making an elephant out of a molehill, while we reduce the same sins in ourselves, excuse them, and cover them up. Let us be kind and merciful, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave us [Eph. 4, 32]. Let us commit ourselves, and each other, and our whole life to Christ God, our Head, who searches the hearts and bellies of all, who has to reward according to deeds [Rev. 2, 23] and declare the counsels of the heart [1 Cor. 4, 5]. Our deplorable condition! How inattentive we are to the image of the Crucified One! And a golden pectoral cross is sometimes worn on the chest like a medal or like a brooch: they play cards with it, get angry, argue about trifles, smoke tobacco! What was accomplished on the cross? And Who stretched out His hands on the cross, and for whom, and for what? Seeking glory, differences from people, contrary to the words of the Apostle: We do not seek human glory either from you or from others [1 Thess. 2:6], and Jesus Christ Himself: How can you believe when you receive glory from one another, but do not seek the glory that is from the One God? [In. 5, 44]. Where is the search for the honors of a high title? Where is the indifference to earthly vain honor? True glory must be sought, but it is achieved by living a gospel life. The Apostle speaks of this glory: it is better for me to die than for anyone to destroy my praise [1 Cor. 9, 15]. A Christian, especially a priest, must acquire it through meekness and humility, according to which he considers himself the last of God’s servants, the last of the priests and unworthy to be numbered among them, and not to exalt himself above others. Desire and search for differences means pride and ambition. Was Our Lord crucified on gold? Isn't it on a tree? Isn't the cross a symbol of humiliation, humility, and poverty? How are we so senseless that we are vain of the golden cross? Oh that we would bear the marks of the Lord on our bodies! They would be something to brag about! Oh that we were driven out for righteousness' sake [Matt. 5, 10], if only we were reviled, persecuted, slandered unjustly for Christ’s sake! This would be the true cross and one could boast about it! Wearing a golden cross is easy and flattering, but to be crucified on a cross is not that, to crucify one’s flesh is not that, to deny oneself is not that, to despise worldly glory, gold, and silver for Christ is not that, to endure reproaches, insults unrighteously, to be deprived of righteous reward is not that: there is work in this, and this is wearing the true cross. Remember two brothers, monks, how they found gold and how one of them, spiritually wise, jumped over it and avoided temptation, and the other collected it and started various charitable institutions. Which of them came out more prudently? - one who has jumped over gold: one who does not have gold cleaves more conveniently to God with all his heart, but one who has it certainly had some addiction to it and worked for mammon. Wealth makes the heart callous, proud, teaches you to despise your parents, insult them, and leave them (Sizova’s mother). Let nothing earthly deceive you: see grief, imitate the life of the disembodied - this is what you are called to, such is your rank. The priest is the Angel of the Lord Almighty. The saints wore chains on their bodies in order to escape from the chains of passions and from the bonds of the enemy, from his snares, for flesh that is pleasing or pleasing is his power over us. Having yourself many mental and physical infirmities, sympathize with your neighbors who have similar infirmities, and do not condemn them, do not be angry with them, do not despise them. We are all in trouble 88. Just pray to the Lord that He will grant everyone the grace to know the charm of passions and the full value of virtue, so that people will not be seduced by sinful flattery, the flattery of wealth, lust, ambition, enmity and malice, and so on. Don’t eat cream at night: it’s a huge burden, not from them actually, but from the coming wet weather. June 9. Do not be upset internally by thoughts of any of your neighbors, for example, neighbors or co-workers, for his shortcomings, for example, love of money, stinginess, unsociability, pride and arrogance, for, firstly, you yourself, perhaps, have the same shortcomings and passions; secondly, by this grief you only cause grief to yourself and you will become angry, and this will not at all correct your brother or neighbors; thirdly, God is the judge of every person: He humbles this one, and exalts this one, and will reward everyone, and reward them according to their deeds on the day of His terrible and righteous trial; and therefore it is extremely necessary for everyone to judge himself as strictly as possible, delving into all the bends of his heart and plucking from it, by the grace of God, all the tares of sins nesting in it. Everyone will give an answer to God for themselves. My brothers! I often hear foul language from you on the streets, such foul language that makes my heart shudder. Do you know from what source these vile words flow? - From an unclean heart. And who nests in an unclean heart and incites you to say such words? - Devil. Oh, the birth of vipers are foul-mouthed! When will you come to your senses and stop desecrating your soul and your tongue? Hear what the apostles say: foul language and idle talk... must not even be named among you... let not rotten speech come out of your mouth [Eph. 5, 4, 3; 4, 29 ]! I have not yet assimilated with my heart and conviction the litanies of the grateful prayer service, and therefore I am tempted, I fight from the enemy when they are reprimanded, especially in a meeting of nobles (in the gymnasium, at the customs guardhouse 89 - on the occasion of the salvation of eight people). Prayer service on June 9th (salvation on June 6th). I sinned before the Lord: today I was in relation to the sexton Vasily Vasilyevich Kamenogradsky as Haman was to Mordecai 90: I was indignant in spirit and angrily indignant in my heart, remembering his rudeness and disobedience, and for a long time I could not be at peace until we sat down at the table of the birthday boy, Deacon Al. Even food and drink did not suppress Ivanovich Taratin's hatred for the time being. But one must have pity on the one who sins: who is without sin? I myself am the first sinner. I don't see this all the time. So, I have hidden pride and anger. The sexton did not kiss his hand, as other sextons and deacons kiss, and so - enmity. I preempted him with a greeting, but he doesn’t even act, I thought. So, am I looking for honor from people? I collect bows and kisses - right? And if not, why am I embarrassed? What's in kisses and bows to me?.. Absolutely nothing... Live your life as you live, just know your business. And indeed, I do not need honor from the clerk, but the enemy incites, confuses, burns, oppresses - get away from me, opponent. What honor do I have from a brother equally honored in the image and likeness of God, equally adopted by God, equally redeemed by the Son of God, equally entitled to the inheritance of the Kingdom of Heaven? This anger against a brother over trifles is the same as the confusion and struggle of the enemy during public prayer with various ghosts: fear, fornication, doubt, shame... You, who want to shine with clothes and crosses, remember the Forerunner of the Lord and his clothes; You, inventing various sweets, remember the locusts 91 and one wild honey, which boliy fed on those born of wives, and the simple drink - water, and be ashamed of your vanity and vanity and your gluttony and intemperance. Are you looking for external shine, external decorations, but have you forgotten your inner ugliness? This external splendor of differences, these external decorations lead you into greater confusion about yourself: internally full of the darkness of sin, the ugliness of passions, you think a lot about yourself, being nothing, and, not noticing your ugliness, you do not think about correction, you add sins to sins and do not care about virtue. Oh, what evil these differences are for you! The more famous you are, the more grumpy you become; like a dog, you bark at your own kind and want to bite. But as soon as you become famous and furious, as soon as you give him wounds and torment, 92 they will say about you when you pass into that age in which there are no these external differences and where only deeds of virtue are required. Nowadays, a general disease is the search for only shiny crosses. But the wood of the cross is shunned because it does not shine; gold and silver glitter or a cross blinded everyone's eyes. Desiring golden crosses, we fall away from the faith and love of the Lord and fall into the snares of the devil. This is the truth, it has been tested. If you wished for this cross before the liturgy, then the enemy can captivate you for the entire liturgy, and you will be as if dead for this life-giving and terrible Sacrament, for all prayers and sacred rites, because in your heart there is an enemy who has captivated you with the desire for the golden cross. You are all down-to-earth, earthly, like a gold-lover, and not heavenly. This is what happened to me on June 10 at early mass in the Duma (Provorov). Speak the judgment of God’s word about your thoughts more often, so as not to be deceived by your own thoughts and by people’s thoughts about you and others. What does the word of God say? This is what it is: The Lord knows the thoughts of men, for they are vanity [Ps. 93, 11]. The grace of God heals my mental and physical infirmities. I feel it clearly. Soft bread seduces, but it is heavy for the heart and body - do not be deceived, deceitful flesh. A beautiful face seduces - but don’t look at the beauty: it contains thorns and fire. The shiny sign on the chest seduces, but it also hides thorns, an goring heart, the urge of vanity; the same with expensive, soft clothes, and money or wealth, and everything lovely. Where there are charms, there are thorns, hellfire, and wounds. There is one God and heavenly blessings are not charming. He who condemns another is proud and self-loving and self-dreaming; whoever wishes illness and death for others to be punished is extremely proud and proud and thinks that he alone brings benefit to humanity, while others serve only their own interests; he alone wants to live on earth and own its benefits. I subdue and enslave my body... [1 Cor. 9, 27]. Remember these words of the Apostle and imitate him. Otherwise, the flesh will bind you [...] with passions. Everything will pass away like smoke, everything earthly. I deny you, Satan, and all your deeds, and all your angels, and all your service, and all your pride. 93. What deeds? Intemperance and gluttony, fornication, malice, envy, theft, lies, false witness, godlessness, blasphemy, murmuring, waywardness and stubbornness, laziness and others. So, if lust comes to you, say decisively: I deny you, I do not sympathize with you, I hate you; whether it’s malice - say the same; whether envy, contempt, rage - say the same; Whether it is self-interest or covetousness - say the same words, speak from the bottom of your heart, with heartfelt conviction and with hatred of all sin. If you do this every day, you will be a true Christian, for a true Christian is one who daily circumcises his heart from passions. I am united with You, Christ, - that is, I am united with every virtue: meekness, humility, abstinence, purity of soul and body, patience, humility, love of God and neighbor, and other virtues. He who has put on Christ has been joined to Christ and has become a new creation [2 Cor. 5, 17]. June 11. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me to perform the early liturgy in the Assumption Church with much strength and much boldness, and to receive communion in the same way after the fiery and goring temptation during Matins in the cathedral, which also through my prayer and the mercy of God passed and cleansed my soul. For all temptations and sorrows I thank the Lord, my wise and good and omniscient Shepherd, Doctor and Visitor of my soul. The night from June 12th to 13th, after visiting N.A. Leopardov, smoking a cigar and drinking strong tea, I slept well, only in the morning there was a pain in my right arm, as if from paralysis (I slept on my right side) - the pain was very strong, so that I could hardly straighten it from the pain; I think it’s from tobacco and strong tea. Smoking tobacco darkens and coarsens the heart, darkens and coarsens the blood, causes hot flashes and aches. June 13th. He celebrated early mass, by the grace of God, with tenderness; received communion for the remission of sins and peace of spiritual strength. The Lord bestowed special tenderness with tears during the requiem service, when with firm faith and boldness I begged the Lord for the pacification of the Churches and their unification, for which I also prayed during the mass. I thank the Lord for not abandoning me, a sinner, with His grace. June 14. I thank the Lord, who gave me the strength to perform the early liturgy in the Duma church for the healing of my soul and body (I was very weak from drinking two glasses of milk the day before) and for the peace of my spiritual strength. The passion for delicacy and gluttony, for covetousness and honor turns our lives upside down, so that we live not at all like Christians, but like pagans, not like heavenly citizens, but like earthly captives. These passions, like strong nets, entangle our souls, preventing them from completely rushing towards grief, like an eagle whose wings are tied or cut off, and especially when we need to rush towards grief, for example during the liturgy: we crawl to the bottom, delayed by passions, like ropes 94 or roots deepened in our insides. Because of these passions, we often fall into the sins of envy and ill will, hardness of heart, untruth, deception, robbery, theft, intemperance, lust, laziness, despondency, cowardice, and despair. We still live like foolish children and amuse ourselves with toys, such as delicacies, smart clothes, lots of money, shiny orders and crosses, red ribbons, loud titles that feed our pride and vanity; beautiful faces, beautiful furniture in our home, a theater in which we act out the vanity of life and amuse ourselves with it. We learn everything, we are interested in everything, but we don’t know the science of conquering sins at all, we are not interested in the salvation of the soul, which is so dear to God: behold... to move away from evil is knowledge [Job. 28, 28]. Remember the simplicity of your soul, created in the image of God, and that it is preserved and provided for by God; also remember the wickedness of sin and that it nests in us and is constantly brought about by the devil, and in the simplicity of your heart reflect its excuses. So often I serve mass and partake of the most pure Body and the most pure Blood of the New Testament - and still I remain the same, the same old man, I am not renewed, I do not change, I do not put off the rags of passions. Oh, how painful, shameful, terrible it is! Until now, anger, pride, envy, covetousness, gluttony, fornication, theft, blasphemy, madness, lewdness, and every sin still nest in the heart. O much-merciful, long-suffering, dearest Savior of mine, when will I be renewed and stop working for sin and will work only for You, the God of my life, my Savior? O vain, overzealous flesh, how much sin do I have because of you, because of your overzealousness, greed, envy and other things? Why have I not yet given myself and my whole life to Christ our God? Have not all the caring dreams of the flesh hitherto been in vain? Was it not the Lord who gave and built everything? For He Himself said: I will never leave you nor forsake you [Heb. 13, 5]. Oh, the sting of sin - crafty, dreamy! Oh, the dreams of sin that sting the flesh and soul! Have I not yet learned, by the grace of God, to strive against sin and be content with my position? The more full a person is, the more greedy he is: he regrets, desires, envies! (Small prosphora. Temptation from the flesh and the devil. Yes, these breads will be made of stone... man will not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God [Matthew 4: 3 – 4].) Madame Broshkina (Elisaveta) knew French, German, English, Italian, Polish well, devoured all Western literature, and was a nihilist who did not believe in the future life, Jesus Christ called me a simple person. Martha worried and talked about many things, but neglected the one thing she needed [Lk. 10, 41 – 42], gained the whole world, but lost her soul [Matt. 16, 26]. Oh, foolish people we are! Oh, the pride of the devil! Oh, ignorance with education! The worst ignorance of simple, uneducated people! June 14. Saturday. Evening. Eleventh hour. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the storm of sin that arose in me at the end of the all-night vigil, when I heard the sexton V. Kamenogradsky poorly reading the traveling Apostle; I thank the Lady Theotokos, who saved me from nasty, murderous, darkening, oppressive, scorching thoughts, when I looked with heartfelt faith at Her Icon of Kazan. Wealth is an idol. As long as a person with limited means, he often resorts to God, visits church, prays at home, reads holy books, gives alms, but when he becomes rich, when all kinds of earthly contentment surrounds him, he little by little begins to move away from God, he rarely comes to church, he prays at home also rarely and little, he doesn’t read books of spiritual content, he doesn’t care about alms, as if neither God, nor holy books, nor alms matter to him at all. became needed. This is said from reality. This is how wealth enslaves a person and how it blinds him! June 15. Sunday. I thank You, Most Holy Lady Theotokos, lightning, enlightening and reviving souls, for You, when I always looked to You with my heart and body eyes and cried out for mercy, intercession and help in demonic scourge, quickly and powerfully gave me a life-giving stream of grace, which took away heartfelt death and powerlessness, and encouraged me, instilling me on hope 95, with whom I went to a prayer service on the steamer "Petersburg", commanded by Cheglokov. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, for You saved me soon on this ship, when a demonic storm arose in me, which was caused by the enemy upon the arrival of Father Matthew and the sexton Kamenogradsky to this ship and showed indignation that I had already been invited here. You created great power and mercy with me through my inner prayer before the beginning of the prayer service, driving away demonic anger and confusion, sorrow, cramped conditions, and despondency. With the help of God, he performed the prayer service loudly, cheerfully, boldly; I read the litanies and prayers with enthusiasm and strength. After the prayer service, he sprinkled the entire ship, and then, after reading a prayer at the table on the deck, he had a snack with the officers. June 16. I thank You, Lord my God, for You have granted me, through my prayer, the grace to perform without stumbling, calmly, with animation and power, the Sacrament of the Blessing of Unction over Your sick servant Evdokia, the wife of Ignatius Philippi, behind the theater, and to partake of her Holy Mysteries. There is nothing more capricious or capricious, more stubborn than our heart, which, because of an empty, insignificant thing, is ready to get irritated, angry, quarrel, hate a person, sometimes a very dignified one, not to mention people of low status or family. Therefore, one must extremely bridle the heart and renounce it, its whims and waywardness. Passions attract to sin by violence: whatever earthly and carnal things they want, give them, as if a person needs it to death or, as they say, to the point of death, although this is not necessary at all; So fornication forces the fornicator to satisfy his bestial lust and does not give him peace until he commits a sin, and if he does, then again forces him to a new sin; anger forces one to take revenge on the offender, giving no rest until this is done, and when done, it is not satisfied and seeks a new victim for itself; Gluttony forces one to overeat and indulge in delicacy, giving no rest until this is done, and when done, after a while it forces one to do the same thing again; drunkenness forces one to get drunk on wine, giving no rest until a person gets drunk, and when he gets drunk and sleeps it off, he forces him to get drunk again; ambition and vanity force one to strive for honor, ranks, distinctions, crosses, orders, giving no rest until they receive what they are looking for, and when they receive it, they are forced to look for new distinctions; the passion for clothes forces one to have smart clothes, giving no rest until it is done, and when it is done, it forces one to sew more and more new clothes that are more fashionable, more elegant and more expensive; the love of money forces one to look for more and more money, to covet it by all means, giving no rest until death - and any passion haunts a person to death if it nests in him, forcing him to make more and more sacrifices for it, not being satisfied with those that have already been made to it. Meanwhile, the only thing needed - that which is necessary, needed - is neglected, forgotten, and a person remains naked from good deeds and is completely covered with the stinking sack of passions. Mortals! Make every effort to take care of your soul, try above all to acquire the grace of God, love it above all else, or love it alone - and it will replace all earthly blessings for you. Remember those righteous who walked in sheepskins 96 and in goatskins, of whom the whole world was not worthy [Heb. 11, 37 – 38 ]; remember Elijah, Elisha, the Forerunner, the apostles, the martyrs and do not be seduced by vanity, do not chase after earthly splendor, after shiny clothes, after shiny crosses. Let the cross shine inside you, and not on your toes. He sinned against his father, the archpriest, by becoming upset and embittered with him due to the indignation of the church elder Lebedev against him, who indignantly said in church after Vespers (June 21) that because of the archpriest no one donates anything to the cathedral and because of his waywardness everyone hated him. I thank the Lord, who took away from me the sting of Satan, sorrow and distress and gave me peace with the cleansing of sins; I thank the Lord for the gift of fiery prayer during the all-night vigil and for attracting Father Archpriest to the Gospel. O attraction of grace! (He approaches the Gospel only when I fervently pray: and there is movement and disposition towards me, the poor one.) With a passionate desire for earthly goods - food, clothing, honors, wealth - and with such an ordinary and ubiquitous carelessness about the soul and about pleasing God, one must always more vividly imagine the corruption of everything earthly and incorruptible, the immortality of the soul, eternal torment for sins not purified by repentance, and the eternity of bliss prepared for those who tried in this temporary life to free themselves from addiction to earthly things. things and generally from aphids of passions. But we rarely imagine this vividly and that’s why we get carried away by various passions. Do not seek earthly rewards, lest you appear ambitious and vain; God will give you an earthly reward when the time comes: and earthly rewards are controlled by God. Earthly love is the scourge or worm of heavenly and Divine love. Thus, illegal, carnal love for famous persons, gluttony, delicacy, love of money, ambition, vanity, passion for clothing and the like kill in the heart the love for God, the all-perfect Being, worthy of the most ardent and strong love. The renunciation of the heart from earthly love paves the way for heavenly love in the heart. Both love cannot live in the heart. I count all things as rubbish, that I may win Christ [Phil. 3, 8]. If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ [Gal. 1, 10]. That is why the saints of God left the world and went into the desert, ate meager and harsh food, wore hair shirts, slept on the bare ground, and avoided any kind of acquisition, self-interest, or honor in every possible way. Earthly blessings are real thorns, goring and burning: thorns when we, not having them, desire them; when, having received, we greedily feast on them or indulge in them; thorns and in their consequences, when they leave harmful, oppressive and burning fruits in the heart. It is good to cleave to the one God, the source of life [Ps. 72, 28]. Yesterday I ate quite a lot in the evening, and that is why there is a terrible cramp in me and an addiction to earthly things. Ps. 9, Art. 38. Thy ear is attentive to the preparation of their heart. In order for the Lord to listen to us, we must have a heart ready to please God. My heart is ready, ready, O God [Ps. 56, 8 ]! June 23. Today, during mass, the devil let into my heart, like a fast and captivating river, the passion of seeing: a very beautiful woman was standing in the church with a little girl whom they wanted to give communion to. Here's a lesson for you: appreciate the beauty of the face, this momentary ghost, this fading color, this decay in beautiful form. Foolish at heart! Marvel at the Creator, who so created man from dust, and be touched in your heart, and ascend to the throne of God, imagine the ineffable kindness of the face of God, which you are promised to see if you are free from the passions that are at war with us here. Do not look at yourself or at others, but constantly look at God, who created everything, and be wounded by holy love for Him, and wounded by carnal love comes from the deceiving devil. Know no one according to the flesh, know everyone according to the spirit. Do not indulge in voluptuousness and do not be enticed, lest your heart and loins weaken from sweets and satiety; like a good and skilled warrior, always arm yourself with fasting and prayer. What a stupid thing I did, that at dinner I spared my brother Alexei the coveted fresh fish to eat as much as he wanted - and I grew cold towards him and hated him: oh, my evil and greedy heart! This is how evil and greedy we are: we would eat everything good and tasty, and others would only look it in the eyes, or we would take the good things for ourselves, and leave something worse for others. O womb, stinking womb, destined to be discarded like a sack! If it weren’t for you, or the addiction to you, there would be no pride, there would be no envy and hatred, there would be no love of money! All the passions are because of you. Blessed and wise is he who despises you and works for the only Lord. June 24, 1869. Spare the love of your neighbor as you spare the love of yourself, for by insulting the pride of another, you touch his most sensitive chord and cause him great offense, and you also do great harm to yourself by falling into enmity with him if he is angry. The ritual of teaching peace to the faithful. The priest, blessing the people with a cross, says: Peace be with you - based on the commandment of Jesus Christ: when you enter a house, greet it, saying: Peace to this house [Matt. 10, 12]. And after the priest has given peace and blessing, the very act of peace is given to those worthy of those who are coming, according to the word of the Lord: if the house is worthy (and each of us is a house - Heb. 3:5), then your peace will come upon it; if you are not worthy, then your peace will return to you [Matt. 10, 13]. Never make friends with your vile and flattering flesh and every moment 97 keep ready against it the double-edged sword of the fear of God and the word of God; Also, constantly sharpen the sharp edge of your mind against it, enlightened by fear and the word of God, so that not for a moment will you be hurt or desecrated by any unrighteous, unclean, evil, envious, greedy thought, neither adultery, nor fornication, nor the evil eye, nor blasphemy, nor pride, etc. Always be at enmity with yourself and wage a constant and unrelenting war until your last breath, for the many-headed serpent of sin is always inside you, in your heart, and at your slightest mistake it seeks to hurt and destroy you with one sin or another. Fast and pray, pray and work. Think about death, hell and the Kingdom of Heaven. Will not the earthly cross, worn on my forearms, turn my heart to earth instead of heaven, to earthly glory, splendor, earthly wealth? Shall I not abhor the wood of the cross, because it does not shine, or the not brilliant and not rich appearance of my neighbor; Will I not despise the one who walks in rags because I walk in the glitter of gold and, perhaps, in silk and velvet? One brilliant thing to which a person has an addiction can cause a multitude of temptations to our soul. It was not in vain that the saints avoided gold. Its brilliance sometimes has a charming power over souls - and alienates them from God. God! Deliver us from the charm of gold; grant us to gaze unceasingly towards You, the unapproachable, imperishable, unevening Light; always allow pleasure to be opposed to pleasure: to earthly pleasure - heavenly pleasure, and not to be seduced by earthly things - by the reds of this world. The cross is a weapon against the devil, that is, more accurately, Crucified on the cross; But won’t the devil disarm me with the cross itself, when in the cross, according to his own teaching, I will value gold, the shine of gold, and not the Crucified One Himself? Further, will not the great Forerunner, the great Elijah the Thesbite, the apostles who did not wear gold crosses, but were crucified on wooden crosses, condemn me for my addiction to gold? Will the saints, who loved such poverty that they never wanted to have and wear gold, the unmercenaries and others, condemn me? One must have great attention of the soul towards the Crucified One, so as not to love and honor gold instead of the Crucified One. If you eat cream and eggs every day, and twice a day, you will not escape from fornication. The flesh will become very angry. What is needed is lean food, which provides less vital juices and is less stimulating or non-stimulating. My appearance itself should correspond to my spiritual poverty and wretchedness, the darkened state of my soul and heart: simple, not expensive and elegant (except for holidays) clothes and the absence of other external decorations, especially gold and silver. The wealth of clothes and other decorations contradicts the inner state of the soul and leads a person into the worst delusion about himself, feeding vanity, pride and vanity. One should turn the same intelligent eye to the reproductive and other modest parts, or look on occasion with the same simplicity, purity and modesty, as the lips, ears and other parts of the body, for all parts were created equally by the Most Pure Creator. Evil and unclean, lustful glances are from the devil, the teacher of all wickedness and all uncleanness and abomination. There are people who cannot look at nipples without passion - but these are two milky sources that the all-good and all-wise Creator opened in the very breasts of mothers and made them soft and vertical so that the baby could comfortably suck milk from them, like from a sponge, with his tender lips. The reproductive opening, which receives the male seed and bears the fruit of the womb - man, is like an opening in the bowels of the earth, which receives the seed and then bears the seed or other fruit; the rear parts, steep and round, are similar to the roundness noted in tree fruits, perfectly constructed and adapted to hide the ugliness of the impurities emanating from the belly and giving the whole body a beautiful and slender appearance. They also serve as pillows when sitting and do not allow the pelvic bones hidden inside them to wear out. How crafty and insidious our flesh is (understand this in the sense of the carnal, earthly direction of the human soul)! If a person has everything: food and drink, and clothing, and wealth, and houses, but does not have any beloved and sought-after object, for example, an award, a badge of distinction, or something else, he is restless, gloomy, sad, unhappy; or if everyone pays respect to him, and no one pays respect, he becomes worried, furious; or if a famous person whom he loves does not love him, he is not himself and all the blessings of the world are of no use to him. Oh, lovely world! Oh, a well full of holes, unable to contain living water [Jer. 2, 13 ]! He who cleaves entirely to the Lord, for him the Lord is all good, and such madness will not happen to him as happens to those who love peace. The higher the rank and status of people (who are not spiritual), the more free-thinking and immoral they are. Reprove them mercilessly, with prudence. Do evil to them, O Lord, do evil to the glorious ones of the earth [Isa. 26, 15]. A pure heart and the grace of the Holy Spirit, constantly abiding in me, is what I need, not wealth, not luxurious foods and clothes, not ranks and distinctions, not golden pectoral crosses - copper is enough. How many nights have I slept peacefully, thanks to Your grace, Lord! I thank You, guardian of my sleep! Prodigal temptations befell me night and day - and You preserved me by the power of the cross and Your memory; I praise You, Lord, my Savior! How many times have You saved me from hostile thoughts and dispositions of heart and will towards my neighbors - towards my relatives, towards my colleagues! Thank You, Lord! How many times have You saved me from an insane addiction to yummy sweets, O most merciful Lord! I thank You, for You saved me from this bestial addiction and life. In this honor, let me not not be ignorant, but let me understand, and let me not be like the foolish cattle, nor let me become like them, 98 but let my thoughts always be drawn to the heavenly. Hey, Lord, wake up! The desire for incorruptible glory, the non-evening light vivifies, calms, expands, and delights the heart, but the desire for earthly glory, the splendor of earthly rewards and distinctions stings, scorches, deadens, torments, oppresses the heart, soul and body. This means that this is the last thing from the devil, from his pride. Seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and do not seek earthly differences - they will come to you of their own accord: these... will be added to you [Matt. 6, 33; OK. 12, 31]. Do not be divided in heart between God and earthly treasures. Where the treasure is, there is the heart [Matthew 6:21; OK. 12, 34]: if it is with earthly treasures, then it is not with God. Woe of the heart! Be wise on the mountain, behold the mountain. Long-lasting decay away! You see, down - Satan, delusion, decay, death; only grief is God, truth, incorruptibility, the ever-present life. June 27. 1869. Hitherto, I, the accursed one, love my neighbor not for God and for himself (the neighbor), but for myself, since the neighbor brings me benefit or does not bother me, does not cause me work, loss, or defect; how soon he bothers me, or resists me, or is defective in his service, or causes me trouble, a loss, a defect, or does not want to serve me, obey me, I stop loving him, I am angry with him, I offend him! Damned one, I have not yet learned to love my neighbor as myself, and, therefore, God - for he who does not love his neighbor whom he sees, God whom he does not see, how can he love? [ 1Jn. 4, 20]. But love is patient, merciful... does not envy... does not boast, is not proud... is not irritated... does not seek its own, etc. [1 Cor. 13, 4–7]. Often because of things we lose peace with ourselves, with God and our neighbors. In these cases, let us remember and apply to our hearts the words of the Savior: is not the soul greater than perishable and fleeting matter [Lk. 12, 23 ]? Why do we so often and recklessly exchange our souls for things and deprive the world, which is so dear to it, priceless freedom, the life-giving light of God? Let us leave our attachment to things and turn entirely to the soul, let us seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness [Matt. 6, 33], diligently removing passions from the soul and planting virtues: meekness, peace, kindness, non-covetousness, abstinence, chastity and others. I thank the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God, who clearly heard me yesterday in the hallway of the gymnasium, when I, being cramped and embarrassed, raised my heartfelt eyes to Him and cried out for salvation. June 27, 1869 Jesus, my comforter and quick to obey, I thank Thee, for even this day has Thou granted to me, seeking sincere prayer during the all-night vigil, peace and sweetness and triumph of my soul, to the glory of Thy most holy name and to the salvation of Thy people. I thank You, O innumerable Grace, inexhaustible abyss of mercy. (And the Gospel of John, beginning 64, on the day of Peter and Paul, I read without stumbling, by Thy grace, the prayer of thanksgiving at the moleben. Pavel Alexandrovich, brother of Lyubov Alexandrovna, served the moleben; Evgraf Andreevich, the customs manager, and Pavel Alexandrovich’s wife and others stood there.) I thank Thee, Lord, for I dare in all things through Thee and in Thee. June 28. Evening. After the all-night vigil. Exhaust yourself entirely out of love for God and your neighbor - and you will receive the most perfect eternal life. Remember the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge [Eph. Z, 19] to the world and be crucified to the adulterous and sinful world. All earthly things, all earthly pleasures, all glory are like a dream and a ghost, like a disappearing dream: everything disappears, passes away. Only spiritual virtue is eternal, just as God, its author and rewarder, is eternal. How we insult the Lord and His all-good Providence when we cleave our hearts to creatures and place our trust in people or soulless things, such as money and other things! They are different gods for us. Every day I sin against three theological virtues: faith, hope and love: I will not despise the Lord before me [Ps. 15:8], I worry about gains and grieve over losses, I am proud, irritated, embittered, envious, I think evil, I grumble. Samples of sin [Russian: wages of sin] death (Rom. 6:23). Ouds (Church Slavic) – members of the body. Levite Korah, along with part of his fellow tribesmen, rebelled against Moses during the Jews’ wanderings in the desert and for this he was swallowed up by the earth (Num. 16:1-33). Wed. Antiphon 1st at Matins, tone 6: “To the Holy Spirit, every all-saving wine, if He breathes according to His inheritance, will soon take up from the earthly: it uplifts, increases, arranges grief” (Russian: “The Holy Spirit is the cause of the salvation of all people, if He blows His breath on someone worthily, He will soon elevate him above earthly things, inspires, nurtures and establishes on high"). Prayer “Most Holy Virgin, Mother of God, and like the Word...” from Great Compline. Brandwacht (brandwatch) (from the Dutch brandwacht - patrol ship) - a ship anchored at the entrance to a roadstead, harbor or canal and intended to perform guard duties, regulate and record the movement of floating objects and monitor their compliance with customs, quarantine, roadstead and other rules. Haman was the first prince at the palace of the Persian king Artaxerxes. Haman considered himself offended by the disrespect of the Jew Mordecai and asked the king for a decree that all the Jews living in his kingdom should be exterminated. Mordecai's pupil Esther, having received news of this cruel intent, begged the king for mercy for her people. Artaxerxes ordered Haman to be hanged and Mordecai to be appointed in his place (Book of Esther). Akryda is a genus of edible locust. Wed: As much as you became famous and fierce, give her so much torment and sobs (Russian: How much she [Babylon, the great harlot] was famous and lived in luxury, give her so much torment and sorrow) (Rev. 18:7). The rite of renunciation of Satan from the Follow-up of the Sacrament of Baptism. Rope (Church Glav.) – rope. Wed: my heart is glad... and my flesh will dwell in hope (Russian: rest in hope) (Ps. 15:9). Milot (Greek) – a sheepskin cloak. Enlightenment (church glory) – a moment, a twinkling of an eye. Compare: “... the wise die, and equally the foolish and the foolish perish and leave their wealth to strangers... But man, being in honor, did not understand this, became equal to the foolish beasts and became like them” (Ps. 48, 11, 13; trans. P. Yungerov). You might be interested in: