Май 1869 г.

May 3. Saturday. Five o'clock in the evening. After an afternoon nap, they called me to administer unction to the seventy-seven-year-old elder Vasily Petrovich Petrov. Waking up from sleep was difficult, because at lunch I ate minced meat and steak and milk soup with semolina, in general I ate quite a lot and the food was heavy. As I was driving along the road, the enemy attacked me, malicious, proud and envious, with envy of the archpriest and enmity against him; I began to pray internally, but not quite from the depths of my soul, not quite decisively - and the enemy kindled his hellish furnace in me carefully and with all his strength; I prayed upon arriving at the patient’s apartment, but I could not control the prayer and the enemy, who had sunk his claws deep into my soul, and during the whole unction I felt extremely cramped and sick and embarrassed; the fire of hell raged inside me. Everyone who was present at the unction was overcome with great annoyance and anger (what was their fault? - oh, the absurd anger!). At the end of the unction, I went home, cramped and ashamed of my face. I was filled with oppression and sorrow. I think that meat food contributed a lot to this. We must leave her. And filthy envy! Oh, truly you are the spawn of Satan! How much do I need? And am I, an insignificant person, worth what God gives me, what I have? Is it because my eye is evil because God is good? Don't eat meat. Because of him, the furnace of the flesh burns and all passions become fierce. Abstinence, constant abstinence! Contentment with little! To be a worthy servant of the faith, one must constantly philosophize on things above and not care about earthly things, not be a zealot or a glutton and a sensualist; one must always abstain from meat; Is it said in vain: It is good to eat meat [Rom. 14, 21 ]? Oh, how the enemy uses our weaknesses and our carnal habits to his advantage! How he confuses us with them! From meat food, from wine and in general from gluttony, also from long sleep, religious feelings become dulled, tenderness and subtlety of feeling leave us, the sense of the omnipresence of God is lost and passions intensify; a person becomes hard-hearted; the feeling of sins is dulled, the feeling of God’s love and one’s insignificance. How do I still not desire above all the grace of God, with which I can enrich myself through my zeal and labor, and I desire an increase in silver and envy him who has a lot of it, as if I did not have Christ as a trustee and feeder? Am I not a Christian, not from above, not spiritual? I continue to philosophize longer, and not more highly—woe is me! The cross was added - the arrogance was added; They gave the crown - an obstacle to the soul. Oh, you, my adulterous flesh, servant of the devil: you desire precious and shining crosses, just as you desire clothes, as you desire sweets, and the cross has ceased to be for you an object of reverence and an incentive to fiery love for the Crucified One and for the love of your neighbor. Alas, for you the cross has become a golden idol. Desiring the cross, you want to shine, or, wearing a golden cross, you think that your soul has been enlightened. Alas: you, sick with love of gold, are darkened. Because of the desire for a shiny cross, your soul falls away from love for God and neighbor, falls away from the source of life. An impatient, passionate desire for brilliant distinctions is earthly, sinful love, on a par with the love for other earthly things with which a person is seduced: for food and drink, for clothing, for the beauty of the face, for luxury and splendor in the home, and in general testifies to the love of your heart. Remember the saying of the church song sung over the dead: You who have walked the narrow and sorrowful path, who have all in life taken the cross like a yoke and followed Me by faith, come and enjoy what is in store for you, honors and heavenly crowns. What a glorious cross! These are true honors and crowns! But the golden cross is of no use: it only blinds the sight and deceives the heart, arousing the desire for glitter and gold. Say liturgical prayers and exclamations, without being embarrassed by the fact that they do not allow you to pronounce other words: do your job with peace of mind and firmness. Shopkeepers, shopkeepers selling leather and soft goods could dress and put on shoes for how many poor people - and yet you cannot ask them for a single shirt, not a single shoe, not a single caftan, and a lot of goods lie with them without any movement. Oh, that they would consider it a blessing to dress a beggar as Jesus Christ Himself! Oh, that they would acquire from the Lord a spiritual understanding that would inspire them to consider this expenditure as the greatest gain, and the profits without their use for works of mercy as the greatest loss for the soul, for in this latter case they become slaves of corruptible wealth and sow only to the flesh, from which they will reap corruption, and do not sow to the spirit, from which they could reap eternal life. Generously, calmly, patiently endure the impulses and outbursts of passion of an angry, murmuring, scolding person: this is his illness. The ardor will pass, and he himself will repent of his imprudence and outburst. A sinner is like a sick person: you need to handle him carefully: you need to know when to talk to him, when to remain silent, when to speak opposite and when to indulge. That's how I am. May 5, 1869. How ambitious and angry I am! This morning I came to the funeral service at the Petrovs’ apartment: the mistress of the house was there [...]; She didn’t get up at the sight of the priest and didn’t even get up to bow to me. I was offended by such ignorance. But then, leaving the room into the corridor, waiting for the coffin of the deceased, I began to think that it was unreasonable to be offended, that such ignorant and rude people should be treated with meekness and affection, and overcome evil with good [Rom. 12:21] and pray for them, that their sin of ignorance may be forgiven. They don’t know what they’re doing [Lk. 23, 34], they do not know that shepherds should be revered as servants of Christ and builders of the mysteries of God [1 Cor. 4, 1]. Be patient with everyone, says the Apostle [1 Thess. 5, 14]. All glory to the daughter of the King within [Ps. 44, 14 ]; all the glory of the Tsar’s daughter, that is, of the Christian soul, should be inside, not outside, not in external differences. From my youth I was not a gold-bearer; “In old age, I especially want to remain in poverty,” said St. Sergius of Radonezh. This is how kind poverty was to the saint of God. That’s why I don’t need an external sign of distinction (for example, a cross), because I passionately and impatiently desire it. I, like James and John, want to sit at the right hand of the Lord or my brothers in the priesthood - even here on earth, meanwhile I do not want to drink the cup of suffering [Mk. 10, 35 – 38]. But this is the true cross. Again I was seduced by gold (the pectoral cross)! Where is the heavenly wisdom? Where is the contempt for the world and its vain splendor and vain glory? Where is voluntary poverty, so conducive to humility and heavenly wisdom and vision? Oh, the charm of gold, the charm of the serpent, dousing and poisoning my soul with poison! Damned one, I want to philosophize and live contrary to the spirit of my faith in Christ! For my sake, Christ became poor, but I want to live in wealth; Christ humbled himself for my sake, but I want to live in glory; Christ was born in a manger, and I want to shine with gold! Christ was crucified on a wooden cross - I want to wear a gold cross on the same chain on my chest, for vanity and vain shine. How, with what eyes, with such a cross, will I go to houses of poverty? Where, because of the love of this world: gold, silver, sweets, soft clothing, beautiful dwellings, the honor of this world - where is the love for God, for His works, for the Mother of God; where is the love for the Angels, where is the love for the prophets, apostles, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, where is the imitation of them, where is the surprise of their love for the Lord, which sacrificed everything dear in the world? Where is the reverence for them? Where is the sincere conversation with them, where is the sincere request for their intercession, help, protection? Everything is consumed by worldly love, sometimes, for example, the thirst for a golden pectoral cross, just as secular people are thirsty for orders or crosses. And the crosses became toys. Thus, the ethereal enemy, under the guise of love of gold, acts in our heart and controls us, reigns in us; This is how he rules over us, forcing us to please the flesh in lust, for example, smoking tobacco, drinking wine without need and without measure, beer, eating at the wrong time and without measure and with greed; This is how it inhabits us and intensifies in us through untimely sleep; This is how it acts in us, arousing prodigal passion, envy, malice and hatred, pride, laziness, despondency, melancholy, despair, disobedience, stubbornness, lies, and it inhabits us through an instantaneous sin, like lightning! It hides and nests in us under different forms: in the form of internal heaviness, in the form of illness, and so on. Don’t be discouraged and don’t get irritated and don’t fuss when you can’t do something at a predetermined time and you can’t fulfill your word with known persons who can influence your destiny: in this case, surrender to the will of God, and the Lord will arrange everything for good. Man proposes, God disposes. Try to maintain peace of mind in all unfavorable situations. Words [...] about the upbringing of children by secular parents, that from the earliest years they accustom them to vanity, to luxury, to delicacy, to absent-mindedness, they do not teach them to pray to God, they do not take them to church and do not instill reverence and love for it, they take them to balls, to theaters, to masquerades and thus completely spoil the children [in] their youth. He also said: God does not repay our sins, He is patient with us, but we try to take revenge and repay for the little things. Blessed are the pure in heart [Matt. 5, 8]. A pure heart is an abundant source of peace and everlasting joy; When looking at everything good, the pure in heart rejoices and is glad. On the contrary, those who have an unclean heart are unhappy: it is for them a source of constant sorrow, fear, fear, and sorrow; When they look at everything pure and unclean, they are constantly defiled by unclean thoughts. May 11. Resurrection. This day the enemy strongly, fiercely incited me to be angry with my fellow minister, Deacon Peter, at a time when, during my communion of the Holy Mysteries, he was doing something as if in the cabinet on which the ark stood at the throne; A suspicious thought came to me that he was spying on me. I could barely drive away the spirit of malice by praying out loud for the deacon’s father: save and have mercy, O Lord, Your servant Peter the deacon, and through his prayers have mercy on me, a sinner. Remember the words of Scripture: He who does good to the poor lends to the Lord, and He will reward him for his good deed [Prov. 19, 17], and do not grieve, do not be hostile when you see that others are taking what is yours, or when you have to give alms to many and often. The more willingly, diligently, and heartily you give, the more you will be rewarded. Smoking tobacco smokes the grace of God from the soul and drives away the Holy Spirit, for it is a whim and service to the enemy. May 10. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who, at my earnest request, gave me the gift of sincere prayer during the all-night vigil in the face of my great distress and weakness (by the way, from potato jelly with milk). What heavenly peace after the demonic rebellion, what lightness, what space - after the cramped conditions and burdens of the enemy! May 11. Saints Cyril and Methodius. I thank the Lord, who gave me the word on the day of Saints Methodius and Cyril and to say it in the cathedral. He served mass late (I was wearing red vestments and a new vestment); the reigning house spoke by name. There was a lot of struggle with my corrupted nature and with opposing forces. 12 [May]. Before mass and the removal of the deceased Timothy (from the [Karp.] house), the enemy began to sting with regret for the food and grief at the consumers. Oh, soulless womb! The stubborn demon of [gluttony] and greed sat inside for a long time and oppressed and weakened me - even during the entire mass. Prayer service on the Krasnaya Gorka transport. At first timidly, then very bravely and well. Had lunch with officers and conductors. May 13. Morning. Tuesday. I sinned before the Lord - I listened to the satanic slander against my brother Grigory Yakovlevich Blinov, who sang discordantly and was at odds with the sexton; The accursed one wounded me, and for a long time I could not heal from heart ulcers. Is it possible to persecute and hate those who praise the Lord? And why be embarrassed? Oh, what a cane I am, shaken by the wind! Because of his grief at Blinov, he could not pronounce the names of the royal family at the Great Litany. How much vanity, self-worship, self-adoration I have! How much people-pleasing, partiality, vain shame and fear! All are imbued with many forms of evil: self-love, envy, pride, anger, malice, covetousness, gluttony, laziness, negligence, despondency, hard-heartedness, etc., etc. During mass, Satan, out of spite, hellishly instigated and embarrassed me with the innocent singing of Grigory Blinov, deliberately sharpening my heart and external hearing so that the sounds of singing from the outside would reach me more strongly. Do not pay attention to your absurd heart and the same machinations of Satan, but calmly do your job. You can’t say hello to any waywardness. You never know what will tempt your eye. Both the cross itself and the icon itself sometimes tempt him. May 15. Today I seriously sinned before God by being upset with a beggar who asked me for a significant increase to the five kopecks that I gave him. He asked for boots. I told him a lot that he was wasting the money I gave him for nothing, and with indignation and vexation I gave him another twenty kopecks. But this annoyance fell upon my soul like deadly poison, hellish fire, goring thorns. I barely begged the Lord to have mercy on me. This is how the Lord Himself is offended by insulting a beggar and what grief and distress it brings to the soul of the offender! I thank the Lord, who heard my inner prayer and had mercy on me and gave me His heavenly peace. The reverent depiction of the sign of the cross and, in general, the veneration of the Cross of Christ shows our everlasting memory of the unspeakable mercy and condescension of the Son of God to us, the saving self-exhaustion, His suffering and death, and our gratitude to Him. The Cross is worthily revered as the throne of the Son of God, as His altar, stained with His blood, and also because Jesus Christ Himself represented the cross when He hung on the Cross. May 16. God! And seal this day with Your mercy towards me, a sinner, and towards my disciples, for this day is a test for me and for them. Give them the word, the Father's Word (in seventh grade). Every day I am a beast. You would have cattle [Ps. 72, 22]. God! Teach me not to remember evil and to forgive my brother’s sins against me, for I am the first of sinners, merciful and pardoned by You: You forgive in Christ and have forgiven me the abyss of my sins. God! Forgive my brother his sins, the sins of ignorance, rudeness, disobedience: I don’t know what he’s doing. God! Take away from me self-love and self-will, give me the grace to condemn and hate myself, after so many years of teaching the foolish and sinning. God! Thank you for the gift of prayer during the all-night service from May 17th to 18th, from Saturday to Sunday (Sunday of the Samaritan); I thank You for the sweet melting of my soul before You, for heavenly thoughts and feelings, for tenderness, for heavenly peace, for the enlightenment of my face. How much of Your goodness, O Lord, has already been hidden by those who fear You! [Ps. 30, 20]. Conquer the rude and rebellious with affection: the ruder someone is, the more affectionate you are to him, destroying evil with good, and not the other way around - responding to evil with evil, to rudeness with rudeness, to enmity with enmity. Remember that sin is the greatest misfortune in people, the greatest disaster - a disaster that has a seductive appearance, which many do not notice and are not aware of, and perish. An unrepentant sinner is most worthy of regret and tears, like a person in delirium tremens. But grant me, Lord, especially to heal my own heart ulcers, so that I can heal others too. What kind of doctor am I when I myself am filled with countless sinful ulcers, covered with sinful scabs from head to toe! God! Heal yourself, as a physician of souls, the incurable ulcers of my soul. I have been suffering from sins for so many years - and I do not care about healing, about eradicating many different passions from my heart, and I still add sins to sins. The Gospel gives us commandments to do good deeds and please God, and the example is in the Lord Jesus Christ, and the lives of the saints represent the implementation of the Gospel virtues in the life and work of many saints who, being subservient to us, by their constant attention to themselves and the diligent fulfillment of Christian offices, corrected themselves, purified themselves, achieved holiness and pleased God, with the assistance of His grace. The urgent, crying need for the life-giving Mysteries of Christ for our nature, corrupted by sins. Convince the people to approach the Cup of the New Covenant more often for mental and physical renewal. When I remember the extraordinary gifts (clairvoyance, miracle-working) and the various virtues performed by the saints, their meekness, kindness, amazing patience, mercy, courage in the fight against invisible and visible enemies, then I am pleasantly struck and amazed by the greatness of human nature, created in the image and likeness of God and, through the incarnation of the Son of God, awarded the closest unity with God and, by virtue of this unity, received so many extraordinary gifts that make the saints true gods. Az reh: you are gods, and you are all sons of the Most High [Ps. 81, 6]. He ascended on high, took captivity captive, and gave gifts to men [Eph. 4, 8]. But these virtues of the saints should awaken in us a fiery zeal to imitate them, for we too are obliged to do the same works of virtue, since we too have the happiness of being called by the name of Christ: all of you who were baptized into Christ have put on Christ [Gal. 3, 27]. May 18, 1869. The satanic sting of earthly love is still rooted in me: heavenly love has not yet penetrated me, despite frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, and this is due to my negligence, due to my recklessness, due to my inclination towards sweets, or to pleasing the flesh, to worldly honor, to worldly splendor, grace. I also regret sweets and wine for my brother; I still regret clothes for my brother; I still wish for myself both; I also wish for silver and spare it for my neighbor in need. I am still stung by the sting of earthly love, like the sting of a serpent, deadly. They say: the sin of Eve and Adam, who ate the forbidden fruit, was insignificant. - Let’s say, although disobeying God in a small and, therefore, easily fulfilled sin is a very great sin. Let's say it's insignificant. But is it not a spark that causes a fire? Are seemingly insignificant sins not the seeds of great and mortal sins? In order not to reach a great sin, one must avoid small ones. We constantly forget the words of the Savior spoken to the tempter upon his offer to turn stones into bread: man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God [Matt. 4, 4], - and from this there is so much anxiety, sadness, envy, rage, grief, languor! How little is needed to maintain life and how the flesh worries and talks about many things [Lk. 10, 41 – 42]. Oh, sinful, deadly greed! May 18. I thank You, Lord, the Knower of Hearts, for You soon heard my prayer to grant my heart, which was suffering from the devil’s coldness, deceit and languor, slavery, peace and freedom and sincere zeal for the guest Roman Afanasyevich Sokolov, - You granted this grace tangibly. Thank you for healing my heart from the crampedness and wickedness that happened at the end of the table for sparing my brother Alexei sherry wine. May 21. Well, the ethereal enemy has now launched his fiery bomb into my heart. I felt hot and languid during the exam: the fiercest fire of hell devoured my insides, the tightness pressed me, shame covered my face. How did the enemy enter me? Through not saying in clear and separate words what the grace of the Sacrament of Marriage consists of, and through the remembrance of the indecencies of the prodigal, and through shame and [...] children (the student spoke about the grace of the Sacraments). I could not sit on the chair and began to walk around the council chamber; the enemy brought darkness of thoughts and rebellion of thought; I could not speak meaningfully and coherently - the enemy had so greatly confused me, he had hurt me so hellishly, and, apparently, because of trifles, because of one thought. My God, my God, have you forsaken me forever? [Matt. 27, 46; Mk. 15, 34.] At night the enemy wanted to defile me with fornication, but I got up in time and did not allow the dreams and ghosts of demons to defile me. Then he filled me with anger against my brother, that is, against the sexton Vasily of Kamenograd, against my will, and I barely begged the Lord to deliver me from hellish anger. The ethereal villain attacks with such impudence, speed, ferocity and cruelty that you lose patience: the arrows are too poisonous and scorching. May 20. I attended the all-night vigil in the Vladimir Church, and the Lord gave me heavenly prayer. It was an inner prayer, sincere, courageous, simple-hearted. Only the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God heard her. It was a prayer for peace, for the attraction of all people to the faith of Christ, for the unification of all Churches, for the unanimity of all Orthodox Christians, for the worthy passage of the Christian title, for purity of heart, for the burning of the soul with love for God, for the rejection of worldly and creaturely love and for the acquisition of heavenly, Divine love, for putting off the old man and putting on the new, as befits every Christian, especially priest How long to limp? May 21. He was baptized by Shumov in the house of Postnichikha. Conversation with Colonel Alexey Sokolov. The officers live dissolutely and boast of their debauchery. Everything is nature, nature... Nature created, nature demands. How long will the delights of food and drink possess me, a priest of Christ? There is only one thing that is needed [Lk. 10, 42], everything else is vanity. Heavenly man - it is said about some saint of God, who, while living on earth, was at heart alien to the blessings and beauties of this world, did not cleave to them, but thought about the heavenly blessings that were hoped for and had heavenly morals - meekness, humility, kindness, abstinence, purity, obedience, God-mindedness, patience, non-covetousness, constant calm, spiritual joy, spirit free, not bound by any worldly cares. Paralyzing us with various passions: covetousness, voluptuousness, pride, malice, envy, laziness, fornication and others, the devil does not allow us to seek the Kingdom of God, to love God with all our hearts, to strive with all our might for the salvation of human souls, to save each his own soul, to be zealous for the glory of the name of God (for everyone is zealous for vain goods or for their own interests: each of them si looking for 82 ). Therefore, blessed is he who has denied himself, who has died to everything in the world and who strives with all his might for the salvation of his soul, for there is only one need; blessed is he who died to delicacy, love of money, lust, envy, the honor of this world, the splendor of this world, etc. When I am full, then my heart is especially lascivious: then I am especially seduced by beauty and lust after it, then I abhor and turn away from the sick, from the ugly, from the poor; the compassion and sensitivity that so ennobles a person disappear; A petrified insensibility takes possession of me, and I become powerless for virtue, becoming entirely selfish or mired in selfishness. Oh, truly, in truth, woe to the saturated now, for they will hunger [Lk. 6, 25]. They will be hungry, and no one will satisfy their bitter hunger. Lenten food is beneficial for the soul and body (vegetable, partly fish - in moderation, one tea with lemon, not with cream, no quick butter. Easy during the day, easy at night, easy in the morning; fornication does not bother you, the penis does not strain, but from cream, quick butter, meat - the childbearing member is at war). A dream about a storm with snow in the middle of summer. May 23. What happened to me before the unction of one woman? A priest who seeks gold or anything else, for the sake of communion (for communion), is deposed, according to the 23rd canon of the Council of Trullo 83. And rightly so! And we, sinners, don’t we also want reward for our labor of guiding the sick? ABOUT! ABOUT! ABOUT! ABOUT! You showed me, Lord, the shrine, and the incorruptibility, and the fragrance, and the power of the relics of Your saints. I enjoyed the indescribable fragrance of their shrine! I saw the glory of Your saints: the Great Martyr George, the Righteous Joseph, the Holy Apostle Thomas, the martyrs Harlampius, Eustathius, Kirik, the unmercenaries Cosmas and Damian and many others; He was worthy to receive them into his house and kiss them. I thank You, Lord, for You have shown me tangibly the future incorruptible life and the glory of the saints Yours. Let me strive with all my heart, with all my strength, for the imperishable life - the afterlife - and to despise this corruptible, temporary one. At the beginning of prayer, demons usually try to confuse us, scatter us, and incite us with various passions, and then, when we pray with all our hearts and shed tears of repentance and spiritual poverty, the passions fall silent, run away, and silence and tenderness sets in. Sometimes we cannot calm down for a long time, it takes a long time to fight passions, it takes a long time to restore calm in our souls. I have, there is pride and willfulness, stubbornness, anger. When my boss makes a reprimand or reprimand to me - fairly or not, especially in writing - I get irritated and breathe enmity and hatred towards him, trying to reprimand him myself; or when one of my subordinates is faulty, I also get irritated and indignation boils in me - and when I myself am faulty, I want them to be very lenient and meek towards me; or I myself make a sharp remark to others for the smallest mistake, I see a speck in my brother’s eye, but I don’t smell a log in myself [Matt. 7, 3; OK. 6, 41]. Oh, my damnation! But love covers everything, endures everything, and is not provoked [1 Cor. 13, 7, 5]. As often as possible we must glorify God and the saints with all our hearts and lips, because sin living in our hearts very often tries to blaspheme God and His saints; as often as possible, every hour we must thank Him, ask for the cleansing of sins, for the gift of holiness and observance in it, for every minute sin strives to defile us, develop and strengthen in us; Every minute we are ready to forget the infinitely great and varied mercies of God, we are prone to insensitivity and ingratitude. May 25. Resurrection. Week about the blind. Early mass. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace with much strength to accomplish loudly and without stumbling. Divine Liturgy, although after a great struggle with the sin nesting inside and with the confusion and cramped tormenting of the soul. The grace of God has overcome everything, the infinite mercy of God has overcome and conquered the multitude of my sins. After labors and struggles with confusion, darkness, and cramped conditions, I finally captured the Kingdom of God - and received communion without condemnation, into the peace of my spiritual strength and into boldness before the Lord and before the people. Excessive eating and drinking is from the evil one, and we can say that with excess of this kind the evil one enters and reigns and strengthens in the heart. This excess is mental and physical powerlessness. The evil charmer is the womb, which we all willingly work on, despite the bitter consequences of this work. Write a strictly accusatory letter to Gerasim Murash. Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness' sake... Blessed... when they revile you... [Matt. 5, 10, 11]. Believers in Christ were faced with great temptations and sorrows - they also required great consolation from the Master and Leader of the faith, and He teaches it in sayings about bliss. And look at the boldness of the apostles: they rejoice in suffering, they courageously endure all disasters for Christ. Read the Acts of the Apostles and the Epistles of the Apostles, for example: God destined us, the last messengers, to be, as it were, sentenced to death [1 Cor. 4, 9]. The expulsion of Chrysostom... The forerunners of torment. Athanasius of Alexandria... The Lord foresaw the persecutions and predicted them to His disciples... Behold, I told you in advance [Matt. 24, 25]. What evil does drunkenness bring to a family? Pyotr Grigorievich's story about Nikola Matfeevich. He drank everything away, dried it out, and tortured everyone. He scolds his wife like a dog... He fights... Even until now, I, the accursed one, desire perishable splendor, momentary earthly glory, perishable wealth, perishable blessings, perishable and momentary beauty, momentary earthly sweetness... And also a Christian! And also called to the heavenly Kingdom and Fatherland! I am a cursed slave of the belly: I eat greedily as long as I can eat, and I do not think about fasting in the Christian way. And how many talents have I lost through intemperance! For fourty years now, the Lord has given me everything I need - the rest of my life, which, perhaps, is already very little, especially will not leave me, and there is no need for me to worry about the future. Providence cares for me, just as it did before and wisely, graciously, generously gave me everything. The one who feeds extensively died alive [1 Tim. 5, 6]. (I.) How powerless is the soul of a sensualist! Already, confusion, sorrow and spiritual distress when desiring or regretting earthly goods: food and drink, money, expensive clothes, distinctions and other things should bring us to our senses and make us indifferent to them, not care about them and place our hope in God; as well as heavenly peace, joy, lightness, freedom of heart in the case when we with all our hearts desire and seek heavenly blessings (for example, when we devote ourselves to prayer with all our hearts, repent, ask, praise or thank God, when we desire heavenly treasures), should admonish us to seek especially heavenly things and appreciate eternal blessings, as it is said: Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you [Matt. 6:33], that is, when you seek the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, you will not need to seek earthly blessings, but they themselves will, so to speak, seek you, for all these things will be added to you. Let us learn this Christian wisdom. Instead of grieving for the one who has offended us and feeling sorry for him in a fatherly way, we hate him: this is how we transform everything according to our pride. During the liturgy in the Assumption Church (Provorov), the Lord vouchsafed me a great gift: He forgave my sins, delivered me from the storm of anger against my father that arose against me Pavel Lamanov, inspiring me to feel sorry for the sinner, to root for the hater as if he were sick, and after communion he vouchsafed me great peace and sweet consolation (Thursday of the Week of the Blind). Be dead to all insults and pray sincerely for those who insult you. But if someone is rude and disobedient in his service, immediately punish him with meekness or report him to his superior. The same storm of evil, rebellion, stubbornness, pride that is in my brother is also in me: I am pitiful - he is pitiful, captives of passion, captives and he. If you pray for yourself, that the Lord will deliver you from the violence of passions, pray for him too, and the older and taller you are, the more humility and principles of goodness are required of you. May 29. Ascension. The Lord granted grace to celebrate the Liturgy with warmth of heart and to partake of the Divine Mysteries with faith. After the early mass, a farewell prayer service was served at the Firstborn battery in the presence of General Kern, commander Nikolai Vasilyevich Kopytov and his wife, gentlemen officers, the hieromonk’s father, who arrived during the prayer service (from the Yuriev Monastery), and the team. The Lord strengthened my spirit and my heart to perform prayer with the boldness of faith; sprinkled in all tiers and in all nooks and crannies. The gentlemen officers invited me to have a snack and dinner - and after having a snack, I had dinner. The gentlemen officers, and especially the commander, were very kind. From the lips of a simple man (peasant), the Lord praised me this day (although I am unworthy of it - not to me, but to His grace this praise: mine are only sins and infirmities), that my service has a particularly strong effect on him and on the people. (In Galkina street on [...].) Why don’t many people come to church and pray at home? - From voluptuousness, absent-mindedness: their soul is powerless for prayer. I am a shameful vessel of passions and therefore must be humble to the ground at all times. May 31st. Saturday. All-night vigil. According to my diligent search, the Lord granted me sincere, fiery, tender prayer, during which I was filled with great peace, boldness and hope. I prayed to the Lord for the unification of the Churches, for making all Christians worthy of this title, and also for the renovation of the dome of the church. Diligent prayer attracted the archpriest to the Gospel (to venerate). This is the sympathy of souls for piety! Prayer is so powerful, it pacifies everyone, it unites everyone! A certain man was rich, dressed in purple and fine linen, and feasted brilliantly every day [Lk. 16, 19]. Rich clothes and luxurious food make us hard-hearted towards the poor, the sick, the unhappy - they make us not people, but animals. Christians must live on earth as disembodied - for the name of a Christian means heavenly, wise on heaven, mountain-seeing, constantly striving for the heavenly Kingdom; means a perfect follower of Christ, adorned with the virtues of Christ, having His spirit in himself. What heavenly souls the apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, and unmercenaries had! Imitate them. How quickly can the heart depart from God, and how constantly and diligently one must watch over it, removing all lusts from it, or raking it from carnal lusts that war on the soul! What do candles burning in a church or a lamp mean? Fiery in the Spirit, working for the Lord [Rom. 12, 11] – that’s what. He was a lamp, burning and shining [Jn. 5, 35]. Your hearts should burn in prayer and in all your life - with love for God and your neighbors: with a burning spirit, ask, give thanks, glorify God, love each other passionately. May 30. Evening. Christening at Romashev's. I read the prayers with great faith, solemnly, loudly. But at the end of the water-blessing prayer, the evil one unleashed anger on a young woman standing nearby, Ivakinskaya, on the mountain, who was innocent of anything against me. I barely took away the enemy’s abuse with inner prayer. I am not worthy not only of distinctions - crosses, orders, but I am not worthy of the priesthood and standing before the throne of God, and I received this greatest honor of the priesthood only as an indecent slave; This is for me the greatest, undeserved honor. For my sins, my passions, which are countless, I deserve the greatest punishment every day - and the infinite goodness of God tolerates them on me and deigns to cleanse them through prayers and the offering of the Bloodless Sacrifice. This is the greatest reward for me! And I wished for an external reward - a gold-plated cross! (June 3rd day 1869.) Saturation in the evening is accompanied by extremely strong tightness and sorrow of the soul the next day; as a result, there is severe irritability, fearfulness, timidity; If a fed-up person is in the habit of [giving] to the poor, then he becomes angry with the poor, scolds, and is dissatisfied with everyone. That's how bad satiety is! His sides are unusually full, heavy, there are a lot of juices, they have nowhere to go, because the lower source is enclosed. Let's say that you ate four soft-boiled eggs with bread, but one was enough or you didn't even need to eat at all. What was supposed to come out of here? Extreme tightness due to burdening the body with excessive nutrients. This happens and happened to me on June 1st at mass. It was extremely difficult for me. The voice trembled from weakness and pain of nerves. Everything was on pins and needles. Everyone is looking for his own (church glory). “None of the bishops, presbyters, or deacons, when administering most pure Communion, demand money or anything else from the communicant for such communion. For grace is not for sale, and we do not teach the sanctification of the Spirit for money, but we must teach it without subtlety to those worthy of this gift. If any of those among the clergy is seen as demanding any kind of retribution from the one to whom he gives the most pure Communion, let him be deposed...” (23rd canon of the Trullo Council). You might be interested in: