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I have several letters from you, but they are all almost the same: you write about your struggle and your desire for peace. I wrote to you about the absurdity and harm of such impulses of yours: and what bad consequences there could be after this. You yourself see, understand and reason, but you cannot fight your thoughts, and indulging in them, you become embarrassed. Why does this happen? And where is your zeal for monasticism and seclusion? Since all this was not based on the solid stone of self-sacrifice and following Christ, but on vanity and imaginary shrine, which you persecuted, tried to see your shrine, was deceived by false visions of demons, mistaking them for true ones, and considering yourself to have deserved them for your purity and preservation of virginity; all this puffed you up and brought you to great pride, the bitter fruits of which you reaped even then. Comforted by false visions, she fell into long-term melancholy and darkness, did not bear the slightest insult from others, and reached such a degree of self-confidence that she dared to say and write that you love Jesus. Where is this love now? How did she grow cold so quickly? You should know when it was revealed to you that you were in a dangerous position from delusion, and you yourself knew it and became convinced of it; then the enemy began to attack you with nasty thoughts, and precisely with those in which you considered the sacred thing - purity; – now you feel a strong struggle, but then he did not embarrass you with it, being content with pride. You were looking for monasticism and climbed into seclusion, thinking that this was how you would complete your shrine; Now the enemy pulls even a small image from you and drags you into the world, but you do not stand against it, and do not arm yourself with a strong thought, but deign to make intruding excuses. You must understand that this battle was allowed to you as a punishment for arrogance and pride, so that you humble yourself and seek God’s help, not relying on your own strength. When you humble yourself and reproach yourself for daring to dream so highly of yourself, and consider yourself the worst and lowest of all, then you will receive God’s help and weaken in your battle: and do not get carried away into imaginary visions, otherwise you will suffer more. Don’t sleep alone in your cell at night, but let one of your cellmates sleep right there; lying down on the bed, protect it and yourself with the sign of the cross, read the prayer: may God rise again, and the psalm: alive in the help of the Most High; and read Kathisma every day. You don’t write anything: do you read them? When you humble yourself, you will soon see God’s help, and all your nine points that cause you sorrow will leave you. June 15, 1848 You might be interested in: