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You were so blinded by your imaginary holiness and chastity that you could not see your weaknesses: that is why you now suffer from melancholy and other disorders. I don’t know if you realized, although now, that the desire for seclusion and tonsure was nothing more than a vain opinion about yourself; and you have not yet begun to struggle with passions; but she was simply defeated by them, was defeated by the enemy and did not feel it. He did not tempt you in carnal warfare alone; but even that is not for benefit, but for your spiritual harm and arrogance. When your mental eyes were somewhat opened, and you saw the abyss you were in; then he did not hesitate to raise this battle against you, with God’s permission, so that you would not place any hope in your deeds, but would humble yourself and cast yourself before the mercy of God, asking for forgiveness in the past and strengthening in the present and future. But one should not be discouraged by the battle, or even despair. Know that this abuse was allowed to you because of arrogance and pride: you must, in contrast to it, humble yourself, and the Lord will have mercy on you and will not allow you to be tempted to be more than measure. Read in the writings of the fathers, St. John Climacus degree 15, St. Cassian in the Philokalia of the 4th part - about this passion: and his letter to Leontin the Abbot, from the half - and accept their teaching to strengthen yourself. How much did you mistakenly have the concept of monasticism; You only thought: a retreat, a rule, a vision, but about the struggle with passions, and about the knowledge of your weaknesses and humility from this knowledge - you avoided it. Now the truth must come to mind: do not dare to reproach anyone, even if you have seen something inappropriate; consider those who reproach and annoy you as your benefactors, sent to you from God to heal your passions; and with all this, consider yourself the last and least of all, as if you were conquered and tormented by passions; then your thought will be enlightened in a completely different way, and you will receive from God the strength to resist your brothers’ passions and not be overcome by them; but even in defeat from them, do not be faint-hearted, and do not despair, but humble yourself and bring repentance to the Lord. Remember that before God a humble and repentant sinner is better than a proud righteous one. I wish you peace, health and salvation. Many-sinful priest. M. You might be interested in: