Обличение самому себе и исповедь

Be, in your compassion, compassionate towards me, brothers. For it was not in vain that the Divine Scripture said: “We help brother from brother, like a strong and high city, and like a kingdom that is founded is strengthened” (Prov. 18:19). And he also says: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other, that you may be healed” (James 5:16). So, chosen ones of God, bow down to the appeal of the man who promised to please God and lied to Him who created him; bow down so that for the sake of your prayers I may be freed from the sins that possess me and, having become healthy, rise from the bed of pernicious sin, because since childhood I have become an indecent and dishonest vessel. And now, when I hear about the trial, I don’t pay attention to it, as if I’m above falls and accusations. I exhort (convince) others to refrain from harmful things, and I myself do this in double measure. Alas for me, to what condemnation I have fallen! Alas for me, how ashamed I am! Alas for me! My innermost is not the same as what is visible. Therefore, if the bounties of God do not soon shine forth for me, then I have no hope of being saved by works. For I speak about purity, but think about lewdness; I’m talking about dispassion, but my thoughts day and night are about dishonorable passions. What excuse will I have? Alas for me, what torture is being prepared for me! I truly only have an image of piety, and not its power. With what face will I come to the Lord God, Who knows the secrets of my heart? Being held accountable for so many bad deeds, even when I stand in prayer, I am afraid that fire will come down from heaven and consume me. For if in the desert those who brought “strange fire” were consumed by the “fire that came from the Lord” (Lev. 10:1-2), then what should I expect for myself, on whom lies such a burden of sins? So what? Should I despair of my salvation? Not at all. For this is only what the enemy seeks. As soon as he brings someone to despair, he immediately deposes him. But I do not despair of myself, but firmly rely on God’s generosity and on your prayers. Therefore, do not cease to beg God, the lover of mankind, to free my heart from slavery to dishonorable passions. My heart hardened, my mind changed, my mind became darkened. Like a dog, I return to “my vomit” (2 Peter 2:22). I have no pure repentance; I have no tears during prayer, although I sigh, cool (cool) my ashamed face, hit my chest, this is the home of passions. Glory to Thee, the Compassionate! Glory to Thee, Long-suffering One! Glory to You, Gentle One! Glory to Thee, O Good One! Glory to Thee, the Only Wise One! Glory to Thee, Benefactor of souls and bodies! Glory to You, Who “like His sun shines on the evil and on the good, and rains on the righteous and on the unjust” (Matthew 5:45). Glory to You, Who feeds all nations and the entire human race as one person! Glory to You, Who feeds the birds of the air and wild animals and creeping things, and the animals that live in the water, like the lowly sparrow! “They all look to You, to give them food for the good season” (Ps. 103:27). Great is Thy dominion, and Thy compassions “in all Thy works,” O Lord! (Ps. 144:9). Therefore, I beg You, Lord, do not cast me aside with those who say to You: “Lord, Lord,” and do not do Your will (Matthew 7:21). I beg You with the prayers of all those who have pleased You, for You know the passion hidden in me, You know the ulcers of my soul. “Heal me, O Lord, and I will be healed” (Jer. 17:14). Work with me, brothers, in prayer. Ask for bounties from His goodness. Sweeten the soul that sins have made bitter. Like the rods of the true Vine, you who have been honored to become Her servants will give drink from the Source of life to the thirsty. Enlighten my heart, you who have become sons of light. Guide me, who am lost, on the path of life; you have always been on this path. Lead me into the Royal Doors; As a ruler brings in his own servant, bring in you, who have become heirs of the Kingdom, because my heart yearns there. At your request, may the mercies of God precede me, until I am carried away along with the workers of iniquity. There it will be revealed both what was done in the dark and what was done openly. What shame will come over me when those who now say that I am blameless (impeccable) see me condemned! Leaving spiritual work, I submitted to passions. I don’t want to study, but I’m glad to teach. I don’t want to obey, but I like people to obey me. I don’t want to work, but I like to bother others. I don’t like to be busy, but I like to look after other people’s affairs. I don’t want to show honor, but I like to be honored. I don’t want to be reproached (offended with words), but I like to be reproached. I don’t want to be humiliated, but I like to be humiliated. I don’t want them to be proud, but I like to be proud. I don’t want to be caught, but I like to be caught. I don’t want to show mercy, but I am looking for mercy. I don’t want to listen to reprimands, but I like to do them. I don’t want to be offended, but I like to be offended. I don’t want them to harm me, but I try to harm me. I don’t want people to slander me, but I like to slander. I don’t want to listen, but I want them to listen to me. I don’t want to be ruled over, but I like to rule. I am wise to give advice, and not to carry it out myself. What I should do, I say, and what I should not do, I do. Who won't cry for me? Weep, holy and righteous, weep for me, conceived in iniquity. Weep, you who loved the light and hated the darkness, weep for me, who loved the works of darkness and not the light. Weep, you good ones, weep for me, good for nothing. Weep, you merciful and sensitive ones, weep for me, who have had mercy and who have grieved me. Weep, you who have become above all reproach, weep for me, mired in iniquities. Weep, you who have loved good and hated evil, weep for me, who have loved evil and hated what is good. Weep, you who have acquired a valiant life, weep for me, who in appearance has only just left the world. Weep, you who please God, weep for me, a people-pleaser. Weep, you who have acquired perfect love, weep for me, who in words loves, but in deeds hates my neighbor. Weep, you who care about yourselves, weep for me, who is concerned with other people's affairs. Weep for you, who have acquired patience and bear fruit for God; weep for me, who am impatient and fruitless. Weep, you who love admonition and teaching, weep for me, an ignoramus and a useless man. Weep, you who shamelessly come to God, weep for me, who is not worthy to lift up my gaze and see the heights of heaven. Weep, you who have acquired the meekness of Moses; weep for me, who destroyed it voluntarily. Weep, you who have acquired Joseph's chastity, weep for me, the betrayer of chastity. Weep, you who loved Daniel’s abstinence, weep for me, who lost it voluntarily. Weep, you who have acquired the patience of Job, weep for me, who has become a stranger to patience. Weep, you who have acquired apostolic non-covetousness, weep for me, who is far from it. Weep faithful and constant in your hearts before the Lord, weep for me, double-minded, fearful and good for nothing. Weep, you who loved crying and hated laughter, weep for me, who loved laughter and hated crying. Weep, you who have kept God’s church undefiled, weep for me, who desecrated and made it unclean. Cry, you who remember the separation and the inevitable path, cry for me, unconscious and unprepared for this journey. Weep, you who do not leave thoughts of the Judgment after death, weep for me, who claims to remember this, but does the opposite of it. Weep, heirs of the Heavenly Kingdom, weep for me, worthy of fiery hell. Woe is me! Because sin has not left me with a healthy member or a feeling that it has not corrupted. The end is at hand, brethren, and it does not concern me. Now I have revealed to you the wounds of my soul. So, do not neglect me, confused, but beg the Physician for the sick, the Shepherd for the sheep, the King for the captive, Life for the dead, beg that in Christ Jesus our Lord I may receive salvation from the sins that have taken possession of me, and that He may send His grace and strengthen my faltering (shaky) soul. For I am preparing for a confrontation with the passions, but before I enter into a struggle with them, the serpent’s cunning weakens the strength of my soul with voluptuousness and I become a captive of the passions. I also try to snatch from the flame the one who is burning in it, and the smell of fire draws me, in my youth, to the fire. I also strive to save a drowning man and, due to inexperience, I drown with him. Wanting to become a doctor of passions, I myself remain in their power, and instead of healing I inflict wounds on the sufferer. I am blind myself, but I am trying to lead the blind. Therefore, I need many prayers for myself, in order to know my measure, and so that the grace of God will overshadow me and enlighten my darkened heart, and instead of ignorance, instill in me divine knowledge: “for with God every word fails” (Luke 1:37). He made the impassable sea passable for His people. He rained down manna and quails from the sea, “like the sand of the sea” (Ps. 77:13, 24, 27). He gave water from the rocky stone to the thirsty. He alone, in His goodness, saved the one who fell into the hands of robbers. May His goodness move toward mercy towards me, who have fallen into sins and bound by madness as if by bonds. I have no boldness before the One who searches hearts and wombs. No one can heal my illness except Him Himself, who knows the depths of the heart. How many times have I set limits within myself and built walls between myself and between lawless sin and those opponents who came out to battle with me! My thought transgressed the limits and undermined the walls, because the limits were not secured by the fear of the All-Perfect, and the walls were not based on sincere repentance. Therefore, now I knock on the door so that it opens for me; I never stop asking in order to receive what I ask for; Like a shameless person, I seek mercy for myself, Lord. You give me blessings, Savior, and I repay them with wickedness. Be patient with me, the corrupt one. I do not ask Your goodness for an apology for idle words, but I ask her forgiveness for wicked deeds. Before the end befalls me, free me, Lord, from every evil deed, so that I may find grace before You at the hour of death: for “in hell, who will confess to You?” (Ps.6:6). Save my soul, O Lord, from future fear, and according to Your generosity and goodness, whiten my defiled robe, so that I, unworthy, having put on a bright robe, may be honored with the Kingdom of Heaven and, having achieved unexpected joy, say: “Glory to Him who delivered the contrite soul from the mouth of lions and placed it in the paradise of sweetness!” Because to You, the All-Holy God, be glory forever and ever! Amen. You might be interested in: