Diary. Volume XXVI. 1890–1894, 1896–1898, 1908

I • II • III • IV • V • VI • VII • VIII • IX • X • XI • XII • XIII • XIV • XV • XVI • XVII • XVIII • XIX • XX • XXI • XXII • XXIII • XXIV • XXV • XXVI St. Andrew's Cathedral in Kronstadt. Color postcard, beginning. XX century This edition is the first publication of all currently known diaries of the holy righteous John of Kronstadt (1829–1908). The diaries cover the period from 1856 to 1898. At the moment, diary notebooks for the years 1894–1896 and for the period from 1898 to mid-1908 are missing. The absence of notebooks over the years does not in any way detract from the significance of the publication, since the missing notebooks would have added some details concerning the life of the righteous man, without adding anything substantive. In connection with the publication of the diaries, it should be said that for the first time they provide the opportunity to compile a true biography of the righteous man, both from the point of view of facts and the essence of his spiritual feat. The currently available biographies of Father John of Kronstadt are somewhat simplified: they are neither an icon nor a photograph, but rather look like a popular print. As an entertaining read, such biographies have a right to exist - but as an aid on the path to salvation, as a spiritual guide, they can do more harm than good, since they can mislead the reader about the life of the righteous, painting a picture of the world around him, in which there was little resemblance to the real, often very harsh reality. We know a person from the outside and, essentially, without being able to contemplate the inner world of his heart and thoughts, we see his inner life in a limited way. Comparing the life of the holy righteous John of Kronstadt, when we are already familiar with his diaries, with the life of some ascetic of piety who did not leave us such records, we, misled by the simple lack of completeness of information, can even evaluate the spiritual life of such an ascetic and his feat much higher than the feat of Father John. And that is why the Church prohibits canonizing ascetics on the basis of our, always flawed, knowledge of man, but only on the basis of posthumous miracles, with which the Lord Himself testifies to the godly life of the righteous. Many pages of the diary are written by Father John with the utmost frankness, so that the reader may wonder if he is an ordinary person, Father John - although he is a priest, and perhaps sinners like us. However, a careful reading and study of the diaries of the righteous man shows that no, he is not at all like that and that there is almost an abyss between him and us. What modern Christians are already accustomed to, what constitutes, one might say, the almost everyday side of the life of a modern person, that world of thoughts, which is almost the usual environment of the inner life of a modern Christian and is not even realized by him and is not assessed in any way - this was recognized by the righteous as a bitter fall, requiring on his part the most cruel, merciless reproof. His self-reproach is so great, consistent and persistent that it shows that truly the Spirit of God was at work in him - and even though the Lord allowed him to stumble, He also quickly raised him up. By the strength of his struggle with mental temptations in the midst of the sea of ​​life and in the midst of the world in which he lived, the holy righteous John sets an example of one of the greatest saints of the 19th - early 20th centuries, on whom the great mercy of God rested, which, according to the word of the Apostle Paul, does not depend on the one who struggles, but on God who has mercy (Rom. 9:16). Knowing that Father John loved divine services and himself read the canon at Matins, some priests also try to read the canons at Matins, but often do not get what they expect, because, making extraordinary but isolated efforts, they lose sight of the concern for the hourly and minute-by-minute correction of their soul, the unceasing presentation of their conscience to God, which requires tension of a different quality. In this case, it is no longer a person who strives to do something good from his point of view, but the soul of a person is enlightened, like glass by the rays of the sun, by the word of God, which is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword: it penetrates to the separation of soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and judges the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And there is no creature hidden from Him, but everything is naked and open before His eyes: to Him we will give an account (Heb. 4:12-13). Man is judged by it every minute and tries to remove from the soul every stain that is revealed on its clothes by the Divine verb. That is why the diaries of the holy righteous John of Kronstadt begin with an in-depth reading and interpretation of the Holy Scriptures. It is impossible to be saved and have the right to live without knowing the Law of Life, without fully studying the will of God, embodied in the Holy Gospel. This is the first commandment of the righteous to all those who are being saved - to read, delving into the content, and again read the Holy Scriptures, delving into the inspired verbs, and judge themselves with them, and as they are fulfilled, again ask the Lord to open the mind to understand what is being read. It is like an unshakable stone on which only everyone can erect the structure of their salvation. From the diaries of Father John, we learn how he struggled with the passions inherent to one degree or another in every person, what his true relationships were with his colleagues in the church, with his wife Elizabeth and with relatives - and these relationships were very far from what is usually portrayed by his biographers. But from the diaries we also learn which path the righteous man followed and what Christian way out he found from the complex collisions of human existence. “What is my diary? – wrote Father John. - Not my praise. He is the story of my sins!” Among other aspects of the righteous man’s life, attention is drawn to his attitude towards the poor, who asked him for alms many times a day. There were dozens of such petitioners, and later hundreds. Many of them were people who really got into trouble, but there were also many about whom it can be said that although they once got into trouble, they made this very trouble a means of their livelihood and no longer wanted to fundamentally change their situation, the consequence of which was their impudent, and sometimes simply arrogant behavior. Father John seemed to them to be a kind of simpleton who could, without hesitation, be deceived countless times. The priest himself, however, tried not to notice this deceit and not to be embarrassed by it. Guided by the words of the Gospel about the benefits of doing good to those in need, he strove with all his might to fulfill Christ’s commandment about poverty to the highest degree possible. And since this commandment about the merciful, whom the Lord raises to the level of bliss of the true sons of God, opens before man an eternal, incorruptible life with the saints, its implementation in the life of any person certainly faces the most fierce resistance of the spirits of darkness. Father John does not often speak in his diary about his feat of charity to the poor. But he depicts every mistake, his mistake, his sin of hard-heartedness towards them in a very three-dimensional manner; he brings before God's eyes for judgment his heart wounds inflicted by the sins of love of money and hardness of heart, asking the Savior to heal these ailments. However, Father John’s irritation with some beggars is not an everyday irritation characteristic of us, but it is the irritation of a person carrying out a feat, and an extraordinary feat, which no one in Russia then carried out to such an extent. And therefore, one can correctly judge Father John only by carrying out the same feat. “I cried before God against society for not caring for the poor and for providing them with my meager means. If even now this charitable institution does not take place (House of Diligence - Ed.), I can only complain to the Lord at the throne about the hard-heartedness of people - and it will not be a shame for me that it will not take place, but for society, for for my part I carried the poverty of Kronstadt on my shoulders for seventeen years and always and everywhere, as much as I could, I satisfied the real poverty. Of course, sometimes I was wrong. Who doesn't make mistakes? I was sometimes mistaken about the faces of the poor; I made mistakes myself... But don’t judge me for this: I’m a human being. One thing I will say is that there were many, many beggars..." Reading these lines, the reader should clearly understand that not only in Kronstadt, but throughout all of Russia, we repeat once again, there was no such person at that time who daily (!) personally (!!) distributed alms to support the poor of the city, and not for a year or two, but for decades, distributing alms both from his own funds and from those that the Lord gave him through other people. The rich society of that time, despite all the attempts of Father John to get him to participate in this holy work, with exceptional unanimity responded to his calls with deafness and hardness of heart. Russian-European society, which did not hesitate to call itself Christian, having appropriated a huge part of material wealth, enriched itself at the expense of others, without adequately paying for the work of millions of people, did not at all want to share its accumulated wealth with anyone. The word of the Apostle James came true over this society: Behold, the wages that you withheld from the workers who reaped your fields cry out, and the cries of the reapers have reached the ears of the Lord (James 5:4). This inexpressible grief of many people burned the heart of the righteous man and demanded the most active participation from Father John. For the giver of alms, faith in the all-perfect, good and loving Providence of the Heavenly Father is a fiery test of strength. That is why the Lord said: it is more blessed to give than to receive (Acts 20:35). But the price of this bliss is very high. Many lines of the diary reveal to us the essence of this spiritual struggle. Let us cite just one statement on this topic by Father John himself: “Do not expect joy and consolation from the Lord for deeds of mercy towards your neighbors, but fiery scourges and strong struggle from the devil, who hates all good, and do not be cowardly, but courageously endure the attacks of malice from the devil, or stinginess, involuntary envy, despondency, impurity and other things, and do not at all complain about God and do not blame the Lord for your temptation. Yes, remember that fiery temptations are necessary for you.” Nowadays there is a lot of talk about a person’s right to personal privacy, that one cannot touch on what a person wrote in his personal diary. Saying this, people forget that at the Last Judgment there will be no personal secrets, innermost feelings and thoughts. To such honorers of personal secrets we will respond with the words of the holy righteous Father John himself, which he wrote, referring to his diary: “Do not destroy this book even after my death: perhaps someone will be found similar to me in thoughts and feelings and will show his deep sympathy for what is written in this book, if not for everything, which I do not dare to hope for (because there may be errors here, with strict criticism), then at least for some parts of it. I consider everything that is good and just in this book not to be mine, but to belong to God, since we are not able... to think anything from ourselves, as if from ourselves, but our ability is from God [2 Cor. 3:5]. My only mistakes and shortcomings." The publication of the diaries fulfills the will of Father John, all the more immutable since the testator in this case is one of the great saints of the Russian Orthodox Church of recent times. Archimandrite Damascene (Orlovsky) The text of the Holy Scriptures, quoted by the author in Church Slavonic, is given in the publication in Russian translation. The parallel Church Slavonic text of some quotes, necessary for understanding the author’s interpretation, was introduced by the editors and is printed in square brackets: They were rich in every good deed [Church Slavic: you abound in every good deed]. A deviation from the general principle of citation are some poems that are cited in the Slavic language, which seems more appropriate stylistically or semantically. The publication uses the following conventions: (Luke 1:1) - an indication of a quotation of Holy Scripture made by the author; [Luke 1:1] - an indication of the quotation of Holy Scripture made by the editors; [...] – unread word; [glory] – supposedly read word; [animals] is a word missing from the text, but necessary in the context, introduced by the editors. Our life is a continuous war: either victory or defeat, captivity. October 17. Ask for an umbrella at church. Anastasia Feodorovna Alexandrova, Pryadilnaya street, house number 20, apartment number 13. October 18, 1891. Poor family. Gifts were received as gifts: pink silk, yellow with flowers ([Chakhonina]), white (Biryukovs). Biryukovs (Nikolskaya, building 16, apartment 41). Sofya Evgenievna Biryukova. Ask Elder Turygin to share information for each service week regarding income and expenses. Kirill Vasilievich Kozin. Torgovaya, house 27, apartment 9. Petersburg. Petersburg side, Maly Prospekt, building No. 8–10, apartment 6. Akilina Yunitskaya. Take a black silk cassock from Baikov’s house on May 10, 1892. 1894. January sixth. In the Round ring with an emerald in the bottom drawer, on the left in the table. Address of the Shestakovo women's community: to the Rodionovo station (on the Rybinsk-Bologovskaya railway) for transfer to the village of Sheltomezhi to the head of the Shestakovo women's community. Olga Stepanovna Burachek. St. Petersburg, Vasilievsky Island, Tenth Line, No. 21. September 24, 1893. Address: [Anastasia] Feodorovna Alexandrova. St. Petersburg, Pryadilnaya street, building No. 20, apartment 13; poor. Przemysl district, Kaluga province, Podborki station, for forwarding to Shamordino to the abbess of the women's community, Abbess Euphrosyne. In the city of Torzhok, the abbess of the convent. Anastasia Fedorovna Alexandrova is a poor family member, lives near Pokrov: Pryadilnaya street, house number 20, apt. No. 13. The abbess of the Ostashkovo monastery, Apollinaria, was sent four rubles by notification dated January 15, 93. November 2, 1893. [Akilina Pavlovna] Yunitskaya: Peterburskaya side, Srednyaya Koltovskaya street, house number 4, apt. 4. Ertelev Lane, Suvorin House No. 6, Olga Nikolaevna Nikolaeva. Be at the prayer service at the end of November 1891 or at the beginning of December. January 27, 1891. Pechatkin will be in Krasnoe Selo at the paper factory in a week or two (they have been calling for a prayer service for a long time). To visit Voznesenskaya, to Prince Golitsyn. Glory to the Lord, who works miracles in healing His faithful people! Both princes and simple people are all healed, running to the Lord with faith through my unworthiness! Request silk fabric from Anna Gerasimovna. March 16, 91 Subscribe to the following newspapers for 1892: “Russian Life”, “Pravda”, “Svet”, “Son of the Fatherland”, “Wanderer”, “Theological Messenger”. Send money to the poor people of Sur 1. May 17, 93. In the Chudov Monastery in Moscow there was a huge theft worth three million. Holy miracle workers of Moscow, help me find everything that was stolen. Bless, Lord, the beginning and continuation of this book and its end, so that I may begin and continue, and may I never end, thanking and glorifying You, my unceasing, all-good and all-righteous, all-powerful and wonderful Benefactor and Savior and Creator of mine. Amen. September 1, 1890. I thank the Lord, who guided me and assisted me in my long journey from the northwest to the south and from the south to the north to the Arkhangelsk province, my homeland, and who accepted my usual repentance in spiritual stumblings, and soon, miraculously, immeasurably saved me from my sins, guided my steps and revived me with His life-giving, right ruling hand (from July 10th until now). My stumblings were countless every day, without number I stretched out my heart's eye to the Lord, waiting for His mercy, deliverance, cleansing, peace, enlightenment, sanctification, freedom, rightness of spirit (renew the spirit of rightness in my womb [Ps. 50:12]), - and I was never put to shame, but always received all-joyful salvation, rightness and space of heart. How can I not give thanks for all this, how can I not glorify the goodness and mercy of my Creator and Savior, that He did not allow the streams of iniquity to carry me away and defile me and kill my soul, inclined to every sin! I thank You, Lord, for You have vouchsafed me to see my church, built according to Your goodness and generosity, finished in rough form down to the domes and the cross - a stone church, magnificent, majestic, spacious, with a majestic bell tower, from which the ringing copper will loudly call Your people from their places to glorify Your name, Your Most Pure Mother and Your saints. September 2. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who has granted me multiple and glorious victory over the various sins of my corrupt nature: diabolical contempt 2, partiality and hostility towards some frequently communed children of eight and nine years of age (especially children of the cross 3 from Jews who do not believe in Christ, although the mother of the children is a wonderful Christian, kind, and the children are wonderful, pious, kind) and then the fornication and aspirations of the flesh, reaching extreme levels of force. Oh, wonderful, all-holy, and all-saving, and all-powerful name of the Lord Jesus Christ! Glory to Thee, Lord, most pure Lamb of God, who took away the sins of the world and my countless sins and delivered, cleansed and sanctified us. Amen. September 3. I thank the Lord, who assists me in everything and conquers with His invincible power all enemies, invisible and visible. On the second of September, without hesitation, with a triumphant voice, I performed the Sacrament of Baptism in Strelna at the Zaitsevskys’ and read all the prayers well. But how many victories have I achieved in the name of the Lord within myself! How many times has salvation been granted to me by the Lord in the rebirth, when various sins suppressed and killed my soul! There are no numbers. Glory to Your mercy, O Lord, and to Your countless bounties. 5. How long will I be fed up and break the fast of Wednesday and Friday, although I break it from time to time? How long are dreams seductive? How long will the claim last in a dream? Long-suffering Lord! Have patience with me and do not destroy me in my idolatry (gluttony), but grant me to sincerely live and serve You, the Master of life. From the evening of the fourth to the fifth of September until twelve o'clock in the afternoon I was on the estate of General Vladimir N. Brylkin, the commandant, along the Finnish railway and towards twenty-five miles [Kullyatki]. 6 and 7. I thank the Lord for the countless salvation of me in these days in the city of my residence, and in the capital, and in Gatchino, on land and on water, at home and outside. I see the machinations of the evil enemy everywhere and in everything; I see his blasphemy against the Creator and creation, and especially against man; I see how he intensifies daily and hourly to swear at me and at the parts of my body and the parts of my male and female neighbors, arranged wisely, well, purely, unblamely: here, he says, the face of so and so is ugly, the nose is not good, wide or flattened, or the eye is crooked, slanting; everyone knows his abuse of childbearing members and their perversion into unreasonable and carried away passions, perversion of the organs of nutrition, smell (tobacco smoking, satiety, drunkenness, delicacy); everyone knows the human greed for money (a stupid, selfish, childish passion), for the rich, luxurious furnishings of temporary dwellings - these pilgrims’ tents 6 of ours, the passion for clothes and other things, the passion for theaters in which people amuse themselves with their illnesses, or passions, sins, the perversion of their lives inside out, contrary to the complete intention of our Creator, Redeemer and Savior; Everyone knows the coldness and indifference to faith, to the Church, to the Gospel and its eternal truths and commandments! Who knows? How infinitely much we lose for our souls by turning our heartfelt affections not to God and virtue, but to earthly things or persons, to the visible, and not to the invisible, to the corruptible, and not to the incorruptible, to the temporary, and not to the eternal (for example, passionately attached to money, to a husband, wife, or uncleanly and passionately to the female sex, or to food, drink, housing, clothing, to money, to games, fun). Here a person completely perverts his soul, turning it, as it were, from incorruptible to corruptible (although it remains essentially eternally indestructible), from living to dead, from a bright nature to a dark one, from reasonable to unreasonable, from strong for all good to powerless for all good and strong for evil, from fiery in nature to icy and cold. Oh, how wise and blessed are the holy people of God, who have directed and directed all their lives, all their thoughts and feelings, all their love and affection and will towards the one God, longed for and beloved, the one righteous and true, the one Life and life-giving of all and everything, the one incorruptible and abiding forever and ever, and who have mortified their flesh with passions and lusts! We magnify you, holy saints of God, and honor your holy memory, who have shown us all a righteous and godly way of life. September 7, 1890. Friday. 8–13. How many salvations and deliverances the Lord has shown in me these days - there is no number! How many powers have been revealed, crushing for demons, for hell and saving for me! How much salvation there is in my life, for I constantly almost fell from life into death, from truth into sin, from peace into confusion, from light into darkness, from strength into weakness and powerlessness! Glory to Thee, my ever-beneficent Lord! 14–18. Grant me, Lord, to always keep in mind the ineffable kindness 7 and the beauty of Your face and not to be seduced by created beauty, often charming 8 - I mean female beauty, because of an addiction to which a person leaves his Creator and His holy laws and becomes desecrated in soul and body and corrupts himself. I thank the Lord, who has done countless good things to me in these days and nights and who has delivered me from all evils, sins and troubles, especially through the communion of His Holy Mysteries. 19–23. I thank the Lord, who has accomplished in me the innumerable power of salvation through secret prayer of repentance and invocation of His holy name. In the celebration of the Liturgy, I am honored with countless mercies from the Lord, and not I [alone], but all Orthodox people, the whole world, by the mercy and boundless power of the Bloodless Sacrifice offered on the Holy Throne. This is the lever of the whole world, with which it is possible to move all peoples, tribes and languages ​​to God, for the Lamb embraces the whole world - the Lamb, who takes away the sins of the world, will [enlighten] all languages ​​to the knowledge of Him. Wake up, wake up! September 28. In the morning I was subjected to the extremely grave temptation of irritation and anger towards the famous homeless Ivan I. Paromensky for his frequent letters and requests for money. However, I myself am to blame: I am impatient, selfish, and do not sincerely love my neighbor who suffers need and poverty. The Lord exhausted Himself completely for the sake of me, a sinner, and I reluctantly and often with annoyance give away the excesses given to me by the Lord to the poor. Is it for this reason that I often partake of the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the world and my countless sins? Oh, how Belial 9 caught me through my greed and love! Loving things, I despise [my neighbor], his immortal soul. October 2. Tuesday. Tune 10 without number, the most merciful Lord has mercy on me every day, delivering me from all sinful inclinations and passions through my prayer of repentance. I thank the Lord continually. How can I get rid of this beast (my voluptuous flesh), which seeks to devour my own soul? How numerous and varied are the passions of this beast, alternately and almost incessantly tormenting my soul! Self-love, vanity, love of glory, pride, arrogance, contempt, partiality, hostility, rancor, malice, envy, greed, selfishness, covetousness, laziness about prayer, impatience, murmuring, irritation, disobedience, disobedience, self-indulgence, guile, lies, deception, perjury, intemperance, fornication, adultery, unclean views, passionate touching, kissing, negligence and haste in priestly service, disorderly, stupid laughter, ridicule, condemnation of neighbors, conceit, self-praise. Fire has come to bring fire to the earth, says the Lord, and whatever I want, even if it is already on fire [Luke 12:49], that is: “I have come to bring down fire to the earth, and how I would like it to burn!” This fire descended on the apostles in the form of tongues of fire; this fire descended on hierarchs, priests, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries, Christ for the sake of fools, the righteous and all saints; this fire descended on all repentant sinners and sinners; this fire still descends on pious clergy and laity, reverently serving God and repenting with [sincere] hearts. When faced with carnal temptations, contrast beauty and sweetness with sensual, temporary, vain, corruptible beauty and sweetness with spiritual, true, imperishable, eternal; corruptible, coarse treasures that separate the heart from God and mortify the soul - spiritual treasures, imperishable, eternal, infinitely superior to earthly treasures and uniting with God (I mean faith, hope, love and good deeds) - and you will prevail over sin and sensuality, for one will overcome the other, the best - the worst, and in general you will despise the flesh as transitory, but diligence about the soul, an immortal thing 11, created in the image and likeness of God. On October 9, Wednesday, I saw the king and queen and their family in a dream and admired their vision, for the queen and family cannot be seen in person. I thank the Lord, I thank the king and queen and the royal family. Save them, Lord, and have mercy, may they always be loved by You and You, and by them may You always be loved, the only one worthy of all love with all your heart, all the strength and strength of your soul and body. Amen. October 6. They say: hermit monks live for themselves, only save themselves, move away from the laity, and do not bring benefit to society. Not true: true monks live not for themselves, but for God and their neighbors; saving themselves, they also save others who turn to them for advice; They move away from the world in body, and not in spirit, and they move away not from people, but from the temptations and vanities of the world, which prevent them from being unceasingly with God. They bring a lot of benefits to the world and people. The holy seed is the standing of peace [Isa.6:13]. This seed is holy - true monks, of course, and worldly truly pious; Because of the holy few, the Lord has mercy on entire cities and kingdoms. Example: St. Sergius of Radonezh and his disciples, saints of Novgorod, Moscow, Rostov, saints of Kyiv, Solovetsky and others. The Lord's conversation with Abraham about the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah [Gen.18:20–33]. Glory to Thee, Lord, who has mercy on us for the sake of the prayers of Thy Most Pure Mother, the Forerunner, the holy glorious apostles, prophets, hierarchs, saints, martyrs, Christ for the sake of the holy fools, the righteous and all the saints, through whose prayers destroy the passions of our hearts, enlighten the eyes of our hearts, guide us on Thy path, confirm, sanctify and save us. Amen. Saturday. Twelfth o'clock at night. Where are you standing? You say: in church. Each of you knows this and everyone will say so. But I ask: where do you stand? On earth or in heaven? I answer for you: you are in heaven: the Church is heaven, here is the throne of the Heavenly God, here is the Lord, here is the Queen of Heaven, here is the council of holy Angels, the council of all saints, here the most heavenly, holy, terrible Mysteries are performed; the church itself is built in the image of the heavenly church, as Moses was also told: make the church according to the model shown to you on the mountain [Ex. 25:40]; here worship is in the image of heavenly service; Services are performed here, although by earthly persons, who have received from God the heavenly grace of the Spirit, heavenly sanctification, Divine authority and power. Here everything is heavenly and all of you must be, as far as possible and accessible, heavenly, saints in your heavenly names - heavenly people, with heavenly thoughts, desires, intentions, views, speeches and deeds. And in the Lord’s Prayer we call God our Heavenly Father - it is clear from this that if our Father is Heavenly God, then we, His children, must also be heavenly. This is all true. But are we heavenly? Are we thinking about heavenly things? Do we have heavenly desires? Is it heavenly cheerfulness, holiness? Are we not dozing in the church? Do we not have sinful thoughts in the church of God? 7. The Lord Jesus Christ exhausted all of Himself for our salvation, gave up all of Himself for us, soul and body, suffered and died, resurrected on the third day, and gave His Body and Blood as food and drink to Divine life. – What do we bring to Him as a token of gratitude, love and gratitude? But, you say, He doesn’t need anything from us. Yes, He does not need our blessings, which we received from Him, but He, in His infinite goodness, thirsts for our salvation, for which He came from heaven, suffered, and died; He wants us to love Him and each other for our own good, so that we deny ourselves, crucify our passions, so that we sincerely repent of our sins, hate untruth and love the truth. This is what we must sacrifice to Him. The Lord feeds us daily, illuminates us with sunlight, makes the changes of days and nights for us, poured out the air for our breathing, produces winds blowing from different directions, washes away our defilements, forgives the sins of the repentant; gave us divinely appointed authorities, enlightens our minds with sciences, shows every concern for us, for our spiritual and physical well-being. – Do we each care about our own good and salvation, do we repent of sins, correct ourselves, improve ourselves, do we love each other? Everyone test yourself in this: each of us will be exacted for negligence. October 8 and 9. Tuesday. Without number, my Lord showed His salvation in me, delivering me from countless inclinations towards the sin of hostility, malice, impatience, partiality, uncleanness, fear of demons and others, and giving me space, life and peace. I thank the Lord, who unceasingly benefits me, who surpasses all my sins for His extreme goodness and cleanses and covers them with His mercy. Amen. 10 and 11. [My affairs] with Metropolitan Isidore 12 Resolve, Lord, soon and instead of [acute] hostility towards his face - hostility in vain 13 - grant love and favor; Confirm in my heart good and benevolent feelings towards him, as an elder, wise, warm-hearted, just, not only to many others, but also to me, who did a lot of good, who did not oppose many of my awards and useful enterprises, dismissals, who did not forbid me to travel around the capital by invitation. God! Grant me to remember and be confident that You Yourself, the Highest High Priest, guide this earthly high priest-elder and instruct him on the true path. Plant into my heart, Lord, sincere and reverent feelings for this elder, love and gratitude with deep respect. Resolve, O Lord, my [case] both with the Empress and from the first time, from her first arrival in Russia, consume and pluck out the coldness that has sunk into my heart, and the sincere feeling of love and reverence for her and for her sovereign husband, the Sovereign Emperor, plant and establish and preserve in me to the end. Today, October 11, I was at the consecration of the church of the St. Petersburg Society of the House of Diligence. Bishop Anthony, rector of the Academy 14, served with the rector of the seminary, Archimandrite Anthony 15, sacristan Gideon and other priests, protodeacon [M...]; Isaac's singers. I thank the Lord, who gives me tearful repentance every day and cleanses all my iniquities [Ps. 102:3], who gives peace and freedom, who attracts the hearts of His people to me, who love me and honor me many, many times. Complete 16 us all in Your love and in Your paths. October 12. Immeasurable love of the Lord, who immeasurably loved and exalted me to the ends of the Russian land and beyond its borders! I thank You that You have given me sincere friends everywhere, spreading their charms towards me in the spirit of Your love, and everywhere I am accepted as family to everyone. How fruitful is Thy liturgy, O Lord, in it Thy terrible, all-holy, all-merciful, life-giving Sacrifice is offered for the world! I owe her countless miracles in and around me! This is the lever that moves the whole world, the whole universe, heaven and earth. Glory to You! Do not forget, priest and every Christian, that love, addiction to the flesh and to the world in general, to wealth, luxury in clothing and housing, to worldly glory, to carnal peace is enmity against God and against one’s soul and against the soul of one’s neighbor. Let not [your neighbor] be a play and pleasure for you. 13 and 14. The devil, the enemy of God and men, through sin, planted by him in our nature, in soul and body, with all hellish measures, strives to destroy, as much as this depends on our free will and evil will (or only perverted, evil, sinful), the plan of God, all-wise, all-holy and all-good, eternal, regarding our destination and salvation. He tries to make all the members of our body, like our soul, an instrument of his evil, destructive will, an instrument of sin, corruption and temporary and eternal destruction: sight, hearing, smell, taste, touch, and especially the procreative holy members, through which the seed of humanity is planted, received and grows and becomes a man in the womb and enters this world; The accursed one tries to pervert everything in our lives, the entire order of family, social and religious life, and produces an abyss of evil through our frivolity, pride, greed, voluptuousness, love of fame, pride, envy, hostility; and he instills these very passions, increases them, strengthens them, puts them into action through the darkening of our soul, through coercion and violence, seduction. Everyone, pay attention to yourself and constantly fight the enemies of your salvation - the spirits of wickedness in high places [Eph.6:12], be sober, observe abstinence, pray unceasingly, work in spirit and body, otherwise the enemy will conveniently take you captive. 15–20. I thank the Lord, who performed in me miracles of His mercy, intercession, deliverance, countless according to the countlessness of my sins from morning to evening and even at night (sleepy dreams). On the twentieth, in the cabin of the ship, I hit one poor man twice on the cheeks, who persistently approached me and demanded to read his certificate and money. I sinned grievously from annoyance at him and the annoyance itself, and hardness of heart, pride, impatience; I felt cramped in my soul, but I repented secretly, called on the Lord with all my heart - and was saved through the salvation of rebirth and boldness, and, being with the prince [Baratynsky], I prayed with boldness. 21–25. I thank the Lord, who changed me from partiality and bitterness to the beautiful girl N, who cried cowardly in church and embarrassed me. The Lord punished and had mercy when I realized my guilt […]. October 27–29. I cannot count the mercies of God that are with me every day from morning to evening, and how great they are in the greatness of God’s deeds in me and His powers performed in me! So, on October 29, after matins and early mass, I was angry with one Novgorodian, the candle-bearer of the Cathedral of the Sign, whose breath smelled strongly of stench and who asked through the deacon at the wrong time for permission to receive Holy Communion, and with another, from St. Petersburg, a tradesman or consumptive peasant, who also asked for communion at the wrong time, that is, when I did not have the mood to give communion to anyone, for I intended to go early to Krasnoe Village. And what a hellish, evil fire engulfed me, scorched me, tore me apart! I humbled myself, repented secretly to the Lord, and after prolonged torment, the Lord forgave me and watered me with the grace of the Holy Spirit, giving me peace. And in Krasnoe Selo, at the merchant Baradulin, the Lord, for the sake of His name, before the prayer service, destroyed the machinations of invisible enemies, giving me freedom of spirit and peace with boldness, and I fulfilled my prayers perfectly, with great faith and boldness. Glory to the Lord! When [only] the devil did not plot me and did not try to destroy me in every way - with anger, and lust, and fear, and insolence, and laziness, and absent-mindedness, and envy, and gluttony, and partiality, and disdain, and contempt for one’s neighbor! I thank the Lord, who always accepted repentance for all my sins and had mercy on me in my countless sins. October 30 and 31. I fell into spiritual exhaustion 17 and temptation and passion of anger through Alexandra Ivanovna, who decided to drum on the window of the steamship cabin (in St. Petersburg), where I wanted to rest and calm down from the onslaught of the people. For the insolent shouting and abuse on the part of this person, I hit her three times on the cheeks when I finally let her in to get rid of the bother and insolence - and she fell at my feet, thanking God for the beatings. But through this I killed my soul and angered God, and therefore I began to bring intense repentance with tears in the wheelhouse (on top of the ship), condemning myself, reproaching, reproaching, reproaching, cursing, and I repented for a long time, until I felt God’s mercy, peace and silence in my heart. I greatly hurt my soul, confused and alarmed. Meanwhile, I had to go to the orphanage of the Prince of Oldenburg on the Petersburg side on Kamennoostrovsky Prospekt to see the children, the headmistress and teachers, where I was and, thanking God, performed a short prayer in the church, although with a sick soul from the embarrassment and irritation that was on the ship. I must always have respect for the personality of a person (even if he reviles and slanderes me) for the sake of the image of God in him. November 1–4. Like the sand of the sea, God’s mercies multiplied in me according to the multitude of my sins from morning until late evening every day: every day a thousand times the Lord extended to me the hand of help and salvation, healing, peace and affirmation, both during worship and outside it, and in Kronstadt and in the capital, on the ship and in the carriage, at home and outside the home. A passion (or mental illness) of self-pity often appears in me, completely contrary to the Gospel, going directly against the teaching of my Lord, who commanded us self-denial, the cross and crucification of our flesh with passions and lusts. According to the teachings of the Gospel, there is no need to feel sorry for yourself, to take excessive care of yourself, to defend yourself or complain, to grieve, to be sad, to cry when we are scolded or reproached for our cause or not, rightly or wrongly, especially [when] those in power over us reprimand us or treat us dryly, coldly, contemptuously, arrogantly. To feel sorry for yourself in this case means to feel sorry for your pride, your “I”, your old man, who is all sin, absurdity 18, darkness, filth, abomination, who is completely disgusting to God and to myself, to my highest and [ultimate] good - communication with God, who (the old man) firmly stands for his existence, for his devilish laws (in my members I see a different law [ Rom.7:23]), for his rejection of God, for his final destruction. On the contrary, we must rejoice when in one way or another they insult and punish our “I”, our old man, our passionate flesh, proud, vain, proud, ambitious, impatient, self-pitying, envious, greedy, greedy, covetous, material-loving (not God-loving and neighbor-loving), prodigal, grumbling, impatient, rebellious, fearful where there should be no fear and fear, but boldness and boldness. So, how long do I continue from time to time to grieve and grieve and secretly complain about Metropolitan Isidore of St. Petersburg, that he, the archpastor, not once (four or five times I was with him) in thirty-three years did not receive me fatherly, with a kind word, but always with reprimand 19, with severity, severity, without ever showing me a fatherly benevolent look, without saying not a single kind word, when he lavished these benefits on the female sex, who often visited him, or on men of secular rank and on some clergy. That's fair. For the Lord humbled me through him, crucified in me the old and ungodly man, my absurd self, my vanity, vanity, pride, envy, partiality (I did not like the Metropolitan himself because of the fact that he had an unattractive face - I sinned against the Lord and before the Bishop), sinful corruption and all my passions. For this I must thank the Lord and the Metropolitan, for the fact that my old man, worthy of all humiliation and punishment, is humiliated and punished, at least in part, so that he does not take root and strengthen in me more and more. Glory to Thee, Lord, for all Thy wise and all-good providence for me, a sinner. I often feel ungodly self-pity when they call me to perform services in their parish, especially to give communion to the sick, simple and ignorant, or to attend prayer services for them, when in St. Petersburg or Moscow they invite me to the tops of houses, to the third, fourth and fifth floors, and the like. I repent of this and many similar things and want to improve, not to feel sorry for myself, but to deny myself with joy for the benefit and consolation of everyone, if possible. Thy will be done, Lord! 7 and 8. Often the spirit of malice arouses in me the hostility in my heart towards the High Hierarch Isidore for his harsh, contemptuous receptions in his chambers, and this hostility confuses me and arouses me to repentance and self-condemnation, and after tearful repentance I calm down. May this devilish hostility completely disappear in me and may sincere respect and love with filial obedience and humility take its place. May the old man within me be crucified with all his myriad passions. Bless, Lord, my weakness with victory and victory over all destructive passions. Bless us to honor and love the archpastor, give him and me sincere humility and a sense of weakness, frailty, sinfulness, for we are all surrounded by much weakness; give us kindness of heart, forbearance, patience and long-suffering; Destroy self-love, impatience, resentment, bitterness, envy, exaltation, ill will, malice, deceit, self-interest, voluptuousness, voluptuousness, conceit, vanity, love of love. 9–17. Marvelous is the power of the name of the Lord, marvelous is the mercy of the Lord, invincible by any of my sins that I commit every day and hour. The attempts and actions of irritation, anger and bitterness are often repeated in me and cause me great sorrow and distress. I condemn myself for my extreme anger at the beggar guys who persecute me every day, who always remain idle, idle and asking me for generous alms with arrogant persistence. I hit them in the face and nose (pulling them by the nose) and hurt them. I completely blame myself for this gross manifestation of impatience, greed, hard-heartedness, malice, and I pray to God to keep me from it in the future. May my hand not touch a single person in a passionate state of mind - in anger, selfishness or voluptuousness. Be ready to give your last to the needy and asking. Deny yourself completely, your self-love, ambition, peace, self-interest, covetousness, amorousness, voluptuousness, anger, bitterness. I thank You, Lord, for You have reconciled me, a repentant sinner, with the multitude of Your mercy: I will glorify Your invincible mercy forever. 18. The spirit of hostility and partiality strongly attacks me every day, especially during the communion of children, and adults, and only after sincere repentance does it leave me. The spirit of hostility especially drives the two children of a converted Jew and a former Lutheran (now Orthodox) mother, an extremely pious, modest, kind, and simple-hearted woman. Children are constantly in church, every day, and receive communion daily. We must rejoice and thank God for them, that from early youth they have been close to God and to His church, and the enemy makes them hostile for their frequent approach to the Sacrament and for receiving communion. Grant me, Lord, the grace to love everyone equally and not to despise anyone, not to have hostility towards anyone and not to become like the devil. I sinned before the Lord, before myself and my wife, that I led her into temptation by allowing zealous persons to sew diamond buttons to the collar of my cassock without telling my wife about it. She, probably believing that I did not know about this jewel, tore off these jewels and hid them, and sewed simple glass ones in their place. Having learned this, I was angry with her for her deceit and theft and gave her a strong reproachful reprimand. In order to avoid temptation, I needed to warn her, which I did not do - and led her into temptation. Grant her, Lord, repentance for her sins, both in these and in previous attempts. November 21st. I took a book of letters from the late Metropolitan Philaret 20 and read them secretly, with distrust and slyness 21, prejudice against him that he humiliated himself too much, servile before the supreme authority and was supposedly insincere in his words, cunningly composed. I know that Filaret was a deeply sincere person and [a saint] whose word was action. Forgive me, Lord, and you, Bishop Philaret! I insulted your memory with my evil opinion. This also happens to me when reading other works of the human mind. With tears he repented of the deceit of his heart, which did not trust the late Metropolitan Philaret in his letters. What pride and conceit! What wickedness of the devil! I deny my old, evil, proud, evil person. Amen. By God's hastening mercy, a great miracle of God happened to me and to the House of Diligence: the disposition and zeal for me of Father Hieromonk Gennady and the St. Petersburg contractors (carpentry, stone, carpentry, roofing and others) prompted them to build an altar for free at the church of the House of Diligence after a long break in the front wall of the openings for the royal doors both southern and northern (from the previous windows) with all accessories and parquet flooring in the altar and behind the church to the west, and not only that: to make a luxurious dinner for two hundred people, to treat the bishop, me, all the clergy and laity (two hundred or more people). The wonderful work of God’s all-good, all-moving, all-creating, wonderful, shameless, anticipatory, all-abundant Providence! To Him who, by the power that works within us, is able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think, to Him be glory in the Church in Christ Jesus to all generations, from age to age. Amen [Eph.3:20-21]. The bishop was Anthony, rector of the St. Petersburg Theological Academy 15, and the sacristan was Hieromonk Gideon. 22–24. The incessant, greatest miracles of God's truth, mercy and my salvation surprise me every day and hour, for every day I experience the troubles and sorrows of hell for my sake, and after sincere repentance, given to us by the Lord for salvation, I quickly get rid of them and taste peace and freedom, and find reconciliation with the Lord. Oh, how great is my malice, my pride, my partiality, my voluptuousness! The name of the Lord constantly works miracles in me, or, more correctly, the Lord Himself, in His name, delivers me with a strong hand and incomparable goodness from my sins and my passions, defeating them with His sovereign power and driving away their hordes and giving me the life and peace I desire. For this I always thank the Lord; I thank you that my sins and my evils are not overcome by His goodness, which immeasurably surpasses all my sins when I recognize and repent of them unfeignedly. I have not spent a single day in fasting and abstinence, damned one, but the holy, God-wise fathers spent all the days of their lives in fasting. O blessed fathers, pray to God for me, accursed and unworthy! I have angered and continue to anger the Lord with my intemperance, and yet every day I have received and continue to receive the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord. What does this mean? Oh, I am an all-passionate person! I am not worthy of the name of man! My womb punished me until night and night [Ps. 15:7]. Due to the fact that at night I ate sprats with pleasure and greed, I could hardly sleep all night - it’s so harmful to eat and be satiated at night and in general at any time. Oh, the bestial custom of eating with greed! Is it a priest of God who does this, who himself prepares daily Divine meat - the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord Jesus Christ! Yes, I should go for whole days without eating earthly food! And at twelve o’clock, at noon, I greedily ate a quick pie from the priest - the teacher of the law of the gymnasium, Father Ippolit Ivanovich Tikhonov (his father-in-law performed the baptism, Father Vasily Petrovich Mudrolyubov; I am the successor of the baby Sergius). From satiety the heart becomes coarse, cools towards God and neighbor, the fire of grace is extinguished, and from abstinence with prayer the soul is ignited and enlightened by the Divine fire. What a fire of Divine love burned and shone, illuminated and enlightened the soul of the divine reverend fathers and reverend wives! The greatest, unspeakable miracle of God’s mercy towards me is the phenomenon that all Orthodox pious Christians throughout the entire expanse of the Russian land are disposed towards me and have trust and love, and that the grace of God for such their location and trust visits them and delivers them from illnesses and diseases, sorrows and misfortunes, when the Orthodox turn to me personally, in writing and by telegraph. November 30. With incredible difficulty, in hellish cramped conditions, I fought today at mass with a spirit of hostility and bitterness towards the rector, Archpriest Trachevsky, who served with me and other priests; It seemed to me that he behaved extremely proudly, cold as ice, insensitive, contemptuous of everyone - priests, deacons, and clerics. Not a single bishop behaves as importantly as our rector (it should be noted that he has no voice and serves in a completely deaf voice). Only with sincere, strengthened repentance through the secret grace of God did I overcome the spirit of malice nesting within me, and delivered the sermon for the holiday with grace, heartfelt, calm, and expressiveness. In essence, Abbot Pavel Vasilyevich is often a kind person, meek, calm, measured, but extremely partial to money, stingy to the point of greed and has accumulated an abyss of money; treats all beggars and those who give them alms with contempt; wayward, peculiar; does not participate in matters of church parish care for the poor. The Lord will judge him. He amazes everyone with his coldness towards the brethren and the poor; towards beautiful women, especially girls, and even rich ones, he is extremely hot, affectionate to the point of cloying and playful; indifferent to everyone in general and cold as a stone when serving in church or in meetings. The Liturgy of the Orthodox Church is a miracle of miracles of wisdom, omnipotence and goodness of God to the human race, for it is not only a living, in words, images and symbols, remembrance of the entire life of Christ the Savior and His life-giving teaching, but also a wonderful sacred rite of His most pure Body and His most pure Blood and sincere communication in these life-giving Mysteries with the Life-Giver and Lord Himself, living communion in the Lord, as the eternal Head of the Church, with all the saints: with the Mother of God, forefathers, fathers, prophets, apostles and evangelists, saints, martyrs, saints and righteous and all saints. The Liturgy is a wonderful Divine service on earth, in which all the holy Angels of God take a lively part, ascending and descending to the Son of Man with the open heaven [John 1:51] (a sign of which is the royal doors opened during the bishop's service). January 1, 1891. [Tuesday. He lifted a great weight on his shoulders.] Lord, have mercy! [...] December 8th. Saturday. To the glory of the name of God. I preach the mercies of God that have been revealed in me this day. In the morning before Matins and partly during Matins (at the beginning), out of cowardice and temptation from ethereal enemies, invisible, I allowed myself to be subjected to extreme indignation and anger (and at the same time confusion and collapse of spirit) at the hired deacon Simeon (from Novgorod, already almost an old man) because he did not come to Matins on time before it began (I have a custom that the deacon always comes to the beginning and for this (and for the assistance in pronouncing all the litanies) he received a monetary payment from me). And when he, awakened, came to the altar, I angrily reprimanded him for his omission, and I also sent home a reprimand to Deacon Nicholas for such a false deacon. But it turned out that the servant was to blame and did not wake him up in time, and when the (hired) deacon himself explained and apologized, I made peace with him, although anger had already corrupted my soul and extreme embarrassment and excitement weighed me down. I turned to the Lord with faith and secret repentance, falling to the holy throne, and received forgiveness and peace and read the canons very calmly, loudly, solemnly, joyfully. Glory to God, the most merciful Benefactor. (The enemy does not allow me to say litanies and some prayers, and I am replaced by a deacon.) Another incident this evening in St. Petersburg: a certain plumber Anton Petrov (name day December 7) invited me to his place for prayer; It turned out that he lives very far away, on the Black River. I was angry with his man and the coachman that they were driving very far and for a long time, and then upon arrival and with Petrov himself, the rich, [...] living lightly and luxuriously (the apartment was flooded with lights), I became agitated, reprimanded him in anger, but then with faith I turned to God in repentance and secret prayer, and - oh, a miracle! The Lord again granted me salvation again, revived me, killed by anger and vexation, fallen away from love for God and neighbor, for love is not irritated and endures everything [1 Cor. 13: 5, 7], and I prayed sincerely and calmly. Then he dined with him and then, after a spiritual conversation, said goodbye to the world and thanked him. Glory to God, my Benefactor and Savior, forever. On December 8, in St. Petersburg, on my way to Mr. Navrotsky, I allowed myself to become irritated with the sexton for taking me so far, and I arrived, excited and upset, to people who were not guilty of anything against me, but who sincerely wanted my prayer. He secretly repented, standing before the holy icons, and performed his prayers heartlessly and restlessly. I sinned. Yes, I'll fix it. December 11. Five o'clock in the evening. Glory to the grace of God, which preserved me and brought me to the thirty-fifth anniversary of my priestly activity. Grant me, Lord, to strive with all my might for correction and perfection. A celebration is being prepared in the city on the occasion of my anniversary. Remember, Lord, in Your Kingdom Prince Evgeniy Maximilianovich Leuchtenberg and his wife Militsa Nikolaevna and grant her a prosperous resolution with healthy and long-term fruit for the glory of Your name. Remember, Lord, Your sick servant Vladimir Ivanovich Veshnyakov and prosper him in everything. December 15. Saturday. There was an extremely strong and violent surge of voluptuousness, the reason for which was in myself, because I had to do a lot to please my belly and delight my flesh. But how wonderful is the name of the Lord, how strong is faith in the Lord, how victorious and invincible is the power of the Lord! In the name of the Lord, the burning waves of voluptuousness subsided, voluptuousness passed, calmness of soul and body came, the consciousness of God’s justification, a sweet feeling of peace! Glory to the most merciful Lord! But what an unfaithful I am, what a frequent traitor to the Lord! How often do I turn my heart, this house of God, into a demonic church and what a frequent insult I inflict on the Lord, who loved me so much and was so generous! And why? Because of a momentary corrupting and defiling sweetness. December 20. Until now I do not have a solid moral support: I waver from the temptations of various passions and either succumb to them, get carried away by them, or have secret inclinations towards sin through sight and touch, and at the right opportunity, it seems, I am ready to commit any sin - so I am weak, not confirmed, not strong, while I should be an adamantine 22, like the martyrs, like the reverend fathers. Only the grace of God holds me, which I constantly grab hold of and constantly repent, often crying about my sins. God! Establish me, make me unshakable. On December 22, Friday, I was honored by the Lord with a generous donation through His servant Nadezhda [Cherpokhanstova] (St. Petersburg, Catherine Canal, his home) - twenty-five thousand for the church. I thank the Lord for all the gifts of His goodness, spiritual, gracious and material: both of them have multiplied for me through the inscrutable bounties of God. What are Your bounties, O Lord, for me, all kinds and many! What will I reward You for them, for they are superior in number and quality and quantity! 23. On Saturday, according to the evil custom, he allowed negligence and extreme haste (hurrying to get a car to St. Petersburg at half past one) in the service of prayers, especially the last one, and for this he was punished by deprivation of peace and boldness, cramped conditions and sorrow, and with difficulty he regained it, having asked for secret repentance from God, peace and boldness. In the evening before leaving St. Petersburg, I allowed an adulterous thought to wound and kill my soul, and therefore for a long time I did not have peace and boldness. He was driven into me like a wedge. Only with intense repentance did I drive him out for a long time. Glory to Your mercy, Lord! 24. I sincerely accuse myself of self-indulgence, carnality, gluttony, greed, partiality, voluptuousness, impatience, irritability, hostility towards some, envy, pride, vanity, vanity, laziness, absent-mindedness, daydreaming, ambition, contempt for some, servility and man-pleasing, grumbling, despondency, cowardice, vain demonic timidity (whenever you need to boldly raise your voice), in passionate touch, in inappropriate lust, in carelessness of prayer, in extreme haste and at times lack of reverence for the holy cause. Yesterday, when I was in St. Petersburg, when visiting various houses and families living on the upper floors, I sometimes succumbed to impatience and grief, but then soon I secretly repented to the Lord, asked Him for mercy and favor towards me, and may the Lord change my heart, transforming it into kind, meek, patient, peaceful, and the Lord soon made a wondrous change in me, a renewal of the entire inner man, and I prayed into the ears of people calmly, firmly, with boldness. Today, while celebrating Vespers and the Liturgy of St. Basil the Great, while reader Ivan Kiselyov was reading the paremia and the Apostle, and especially when he was singing the stichera, I was tormented by annoyance with contempt, hostility and envy towards him: why does he read and sing so loudly, as if he had no right to do so. And he is a zealous man for service, pious and God-fearing, and the devil often stirs me up terribly against him. December 26. On the eve of the Nativity of Christ and earlier, on the eve of the eve, in the evening I had a severe runny nose, moisture was constantly flowing from my nose, with a headache, although not severe, pain. I thought: [trouble] for me, I’ll probably get sick and won’t serve and ride with the cross. But the Lord arranged everything for the better: a runny nose was cleansing and relief for me. I thank the Lord. Are you, a Christian, a priest or a layman, behaving in such a way that all your thoughts, desires, intentions, efforts, zeal, concerns, words and deeds are aimed primarily at overthrowing, overcoming, defeating, completely weakening, killing sin in yourself in all its manifestations and forms, inclinations and actions, in order to completely hate it, loathe it, despise it, despise it as devilish absurdity, madness, rebellion, opposition to the good and wise intentions of the Creator, His holy, perfect, righteous, all-good will, as the greatest destruction for the soul and body, as the charm of the enemy, the darkness of the enemy, the stench of demons, the violence of the enemy, temporary and eternal death? However, this is one side of the matter: not only does it kill sin in oneself, one must plant in one’s heart, revive, strengthen, and establish every virtue: faith, hope, love, meekness, humility, mercy, forbearance, patience and long-suffering, respect for everyone, compassion, sincere goodwill, rejoicing, unfeigned obedience to elders, and so on. And for this, fast, pray, mortify your passions, think about your purpose, about your final purpose for which God created and redeemed you, read the word of God, the writings of the wise fathers, participate more often in church services, partake of the life-giving Mysteries, fight against sin unremittingly, incessantly, just as it always fights against us, day and night. The Lord continually and wonderfully helps me in my prayers and in my dealings with His people; sin continually intensifies to break into my soul and confuse me, stab me, hurt me, kill me, and the Lord, through faith and repentance, constantly, sovereignly delivers, has mercy, saves me, heals, pacifies, comforts. Glory to His goodness and mercy! Glory to His truth, worthy of punishing me, enlightening me, admonishing me. Oh, how weak, sinful, and prone I am to all kinds of evil, and how long-suffering the Lord is to me, sparing me, and not yet destroying me with my iniquities! 28. In anger and annoyance at Shlyapnikova, who was ringing in my ears about financial assistance to some woman who had come from Odessa, I scratched Shlyapnikova’s face and embarrassed myself, but for my secret repentance the Lord had mercy within an hour. Teach me, Lord, to endure everything and not to be upset with people, not to love the world and everything in the world: no money, no beauty and fame, no bodily peace, no pleasure. Wake up! New Year 1891. Glory to Thee, Lord, who renewed another new year for me, me, an old sinner, worn out in all sorts of sins. I confess Your innumerable mercies to me, even as You surprised me in the past year, cleansing my sins, sanctifying, repose, listening to my prayers here, and in capitals, and in other places and cities, and performing countless signs of Your mercy and power and Your hasty obedience, inspiring in me the greatest trust of all Your faithful. But may I and all who call on Your holy name depart from all unrighteousness, O Lord! The will of God is so holy, wise, good, gracious, that every person must try with all his might to fulfill it and consider it a great good when he fulfilled it in something (oh, if only in everything!); and our will is so sinful, unclean, corrupted, lost, and destructive that we must despise it with all our might, turn away and reject it, and consider it a great blessing not to fulfill its lusts and desires, victory over its violence and attacks. The will of the flesh, the lusts and passions of the flesh, is the will of the devil, insane, absurd, corrupt, and destructive. And therefore Thy will be done, O Lord, as it is in heaven and on earth. It is the will of God... that you abstain from fornication; so that each of you knows how to keep his (carnal) vessel in holiness and honor, and not in the passion of lust, like the pagans who do not know God [1 Thess. 4:3-5]. January 6. Every time I fulfill any lust of the flesh, that is, the old man - voluptuousness, partiality, malice, envy, anger, irritation and others, I betray my Lord and go over to the side of His and mine enemy - the devil, who acts in the lusts and passions of the flesh to my destruction and to the desecration of the image and likeness of Him, the Lord, in me, in my soul. There is no limit to my betrayals every day. Have mercy, Lord! My weaknesses and sins are countless every day; the machinations of evil and crafty demons seeking to seize and destroy me are also countless; but according to the multitude of my weaknesses and my sins and the wiles of the devil, the mercy and power of God in me are countless every day: as often as I fall, so many times do I rise by the grace of Christ my God. Glory to His immeasurable mercy and long-suffering! January 12. Satan almost devoured me today after an early mass in the Church of the House of Diligence: first because of the maiden Tatiana, the daughter of Xenia, against my envious reluctance to partake of her Holy Mysteries, and then because of two small children of a Jewish convert and a mother - a former Lutheran, and now Orthodox, whose children are very pious; The devil put hostility and bitterness into my heart towards this and that and towards my mother herself and for a long time tormented me with hellish cramped conditions, from which I got rid of with great difficulty by the grace of Christ. I should rejoice at their frequent communion and the hunger and thirst for the Holy Mysteries, which is so [natural] and strong in the pious, but I, the accursed one, am saddened by this due to the devil’s malice and envy. Change me, Lord, with a complete change and give me the grace [joyfully] to teach them and all the pious the Holy Mysteries and love them ardently, without partiality (they are poor), like everyone else like them. The evil adversary seduces and seeks to destroy me with partiality and voluptuousness and wages a terrible war through these passions, attacking me early and late and fighting to the death, and only in the name and power of the Lord I defeat him. 13 and 14. The wordless malice of the devil makes destructive conquests in me every day: either against frequent communicants living in Kronstadt or who often come, both adults and children (envy), and against my sexton or watchman for some real or apparent minor malfunction in reading and singing or in altar rituals, or against my rector Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky for the most empty reasons. I must constantly stand guard over my heart and reflect the evil thoughts and feelings and movements of my heart and will and inculcate meekness, humility, kindness, love, forbearance, patience, dispassion. Or again, every day the disembodied enemy makes progress in me through lustful passion and partiality (contemplation), seducing and delighting my gaze and heart with carnal beauty and captivating with voluptuousness, albeit momentary, or through hostility and disgust, embitterment due to ugliness, ugliness, sores on the body, although it is imperative to look at everyone with intelligent eyes an immortal soul, for spiritual union in Christ, for the common nobility of all through faith and grace. Save us, Lord, in the image of our destinies, having become the Conqueror of all sin. I thank the Lord, who always accepts my repentance for my sins and has mercy on me and cleanses all my iniquities [Ps. 102:3]. Why are all the elements and all earthly things, both natural and made by art, sanctified and sprinkled with holy water? Because for the sins of man, the whole earth is cursed and hitherto the earth and all its elements and all things, all the works of human hands are desecrated by human sins: air, water, earth and light substances - everything is desecrated by the touch of a sinful person: things and buildings dedicated to God are especially sanctified: churches, icons, thrones, altars, holy vessels, holy clothes, all church accessories, also houses and dwellings human, various charitable institutions, also schools and in general buildings where youth are educated - everything, everything that is arranged for the benefit of man; Especially the person himself, conceived in sins and born in iniquities and constantly living in the filth of sin, is sanctified: for him Baptism, Confirmation, constant prayers, Repentance, communion of the Holy Mysteries, Marriage, Blessing of Anointing, all divine services. January 19. I didn’t find my silk umbrella, left in the church with the watchman, and I was extremely sorry and embarrassed and was in this state for a long time, two or three hours; it was painful for me, and when I began the liturgy and repented of this addiction to earthly things, [then] I considered everything as decay, rubbish, and the only thing needed - I considered the Lord as the source of life and the only treasure and calmed down. (And the umbrella was found at home.) The Lord saved me from many sinful attempts today and saves me every day, especially [from] voluptuous kissing, touching, imagining, memories, grief, self-pity, self-sparing (I am lazy to climb stairs high), partiality, greed. January 20. Sunday. Through my almost unceasing service to God and people, I am delivered by God’s grace from countless sins and from reasons for sin, because I am busy with prayer, although, however, the old man and the devil who wields him often find an opportunity and a reason for sin when climbing to the upper - third, fourth and fifth - floors of St. Petersburg houses or in displeasure with those who give stingily and so on. I thank the Lord for the very continuity of my service to Him, although I should sincerely and more diligently perform prayers outside the church and not be too hasty when serving at home. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to read the Gospel with boldness, clearly, separately, to the end. The death of sinners, especially heterodox and infidels, is cruel [Ps.33:22]. Fyodor Kirillovich Chirb, an actual privy councilor, suffered terribly before his death, and yet, according to human judgment, he was a wonderful person. A Lutheran, the young wife of Nekrasov, the wife of the railway chief of the Moscow railway, died suddenly in the theater: there were [trips] to the theater every week - the husband boasted of his happiness and his wife. This is how the word of praise [rotted]! Let no one boast of earthly prosperity, but take care of your soul. January 27. About the liturgy. Holy, Divine, all-wise, all-perfect, all-purifying, all-saving, all-holy! When will I present you with extreme desire and joy in sweet conversations with the people?! There is something for the sweetness and joy of all the faithful to talk about when presenting its content and meaning! You are a sacrifice for everyone and for everything: for all the saints (a sacrifice of thanksgiving and praise) and for everyone, for all the living and the dead (a propitiatory and cleansing sacrifice). Wonderful is your strength, your greatness, your comprehensiveness. You are praise and glory to the all-good, all-holy, consubstantial and indivisible Trinity! You are the union of heaven and earth, Angels and men! You continually bring down to earth the incarnate God and the Holy Spirit together with the co-essential Father! You turn the earth into the sky! You make earthly people heavenly, and you have done so many - there is no number! - in all the past centuries and in the current ones, and you will do it in the future! Deliverance and salvation and healing from the Lord every day, a great many things happen to me for the sake of calling on His holy name and for the sake of secret repentance of secret and obvious sins! This salvation in its abundance and beneficence can be compared to drops of rain or morning dew! Glory to Your mercy, Lord. How wonderful and saving is Your name, Lord! What an abyss of generosity, strength, life, rebirth of salvation, light, victory and victory over sins and over the wiles of the devil in Your name! March 2, 91. The spirit of malice is strongly strengthening to destroy the love of Christ between me and the sexton Kiselyov, arousing in me hostility towards him, pickiness, envy, contempt, pride, exactingness, confusing me, crowding and scorching my insides - but all the more strengthen in me love for him, Lord, for I have no better than this sexton, sober, humble, kind, meek, obedient, dutiful. February 1st. From time to time I have to suffer greatly, especially during services, from the devil’s causeless, absurd anger towards people who are innocent or guilty of the smallest, forgivable faults, especially against the sexton, against the watchmen, against children who often approach the Holy Chalice of Communion, and especially against children of Jewish blood, although very pious and often in church, against the children of my sexton Ivan Kiselyov and against men and women who often approach. There appears some kind of envy, jealousy, pity for the life-giving Mysteries for these people, when one should rejoice over them, about their happiness and bliss; or again one has to experience a feeling of hostility and disgust from people who are unattractive, with a flattened nose or a crooked mouth, or one-eyed, or with scars on the face and lips and, on the contrary, one has to secretly be attracted to women who have beautiful faces, and have a special disposition towards them with pleasure and contempt 23 . O my crafty, multi-passionate flesh, in the depths of which countless passions nest! When will I despise you and not my neighbor? When will I kill you and make you love my neighbor unfeignedly? When will I eradicate from you selfishness, pride, contempt, envy, malice, gloating, rancor, ill will, hostility, disobedience, disobedience, disrespect, partiality, hypocrisy, insincerity, coldness towards God and virtue, towards prayer? When will I stop pleasing my stomach and being satiated and drinking wine, sometimes not in the proper amount? When will I crucify you, the accursed one, who fears fear where there is no fear? God! Transform me into an image of destiny, just as You have transformed me many times, secretly and openly; purge 24 from my heart the manifold aphids of sin and plant deeply and root in me the seed of all goodness, all virtue. Oh, the terrible aphid of sin, from which the Lord came to deliver us and desecrate us through faith, repentance, the Sacraments of the Holy Church, teaching, pastoral leadership and good deeds! Oh, terrible aphid, deep, all-encompassing, all-penetrating all of humanity, every person, thin, like a thin, simple spirit, all-clinging, all-infectious, all-violent, all-destructive, all-cunning, all-evil, all-painful, all-enthralling, all-desecrating, all-destructive, all-sinking, all-growing - an aphid that took forever to eradicate a great remedy, an infinitely great sacrifice of the incarnation, life among people, teaching, countless miracles of the Son of God Himself, His humiliation, His suffering and death, His resurrection from the dead and victory over death in His divine-human face! Oh, sinful aphid, which even now, after the offering of the all-saving, terrible sacrifice of the Son of God and after the gift of all means for its expulsion, due to our lack of faith, addiction to the flesh and to the world, due to our negligence, laziness, lack of faith, still dominates in the majority of people and only in a few who walk the narrow and cramped path, has no dominion and power, but is conquered by them by the grace of Christ! Oh, the aphid of sin, the expulsion of which requires unceasing repentance and communion of the most pure Body and Blood of Christ, the Son of God, unceasing vigil over oneself, unceasing struggle, prayers, abstinence, tears! February 3. Sunday. The old man lives and does not die in me and causes me grief, oppression, confusion, wounds, spiritual death, bubbling in me like hellish fire with anger, pride, contempt, hatred, pickiness about the slightest real or imaginary errors, partiality and disgust (the faces of other completely innocent, simple and good people are disgusting). As soon as through ardent secret repentance I am delivered, by the grace of the Lord, from the dominion of deadly passions in me. Also, with envy, ill-will and sorrow for the well-being and happiness of my neighbor and fellow minister, my old man shames and kills me, with gloating and malice about him, and then again with voluptuousness, the passionate touching of his limbs, he wounds me. The old man, or the devil living and working in him, stings me with thousands of stings. What is needed is an urgent, constant struggle with prayer, vigil and fasting. February 6, 91. The intention of the devil and his demonic army regarding the human race and his thousand-year incessant actions in the world with the goal of perverting, desecrating, and destroying forever the image of God in them. God's intentions regarding the human race are in the opposite direction and God's actions are for the restoration of the fallen human race, its salvation and for raising it to perfection. (Develop these thoughts.) The actions of the devil in me throughout my past life, all his machinations to destroy me - and the actions of God’s grace in me in the opposite direction until now. February 9. May I always remember how quickly the Lord heard me and solemnly delivered me from invisible enemies and from the consequences of my unrighteous anger and grief at Euphrosyne Nikolaevna at Lavedrina Evdokia Ivanovna, when I called on the Lord with all my heart in secret repentance, and how again the Lord delivered me on the morning of February 9, Saturday, from the consequences of anger, excitement and confusion from bad words (“go to hell”) addressed to altar Vasily in the Church of the House of Diligence, after secretly invoking the name of the Lord in the church of the House of Diligence and upon touching the Holy Altar. Glory to You, Lord. There are countless cases of the Lord's salvation for me every day and hour. I thank the Lord. 10–16. I thank the Lord for the countless miracles of saving me from invisible fighting enemies and from my passions nesting in the depths of my soul. I thank the Lord for the prompt, sovereign help during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism in St. Petersburg (Kuznechny Lane, building six) with Teleshovsky, general. I thank the Lord for the constant miracles of healing in the capital in different houses, where prayers were offered for the healing of the seriously ill and, by the way, the sick lieutenant Lev Golubev. God is equal to Himself eternally and does not change like us or like fallen spirits. We are kaleidoscopes of changes, various for the worse. Strengthen us in You, Lord! A non-praying Christian is like the proverbial animal that has lost its cud. Let there be unceasing prayer in our mouths and in our hearts. Pray without ceasing, says the Apostle [1 Thess. 5:17]. 16. I thank the Lord, who interceded and saved me on this day many times during the service and outside of it from my passions and from demonic shootings: from bitterness and partiality towards some people and from addiction to bread and belly and grief over the prosphora because of the small and clumsy prosphora. The Lord is my bread and my belly. All Christian people are of His flesh and of His bones, venerable and worthy, and should not disdain anyone: neither the lame, nor the blind, nor the ugly in appearance, nor the sick, nor the crippled. 17. A terrible demonic storm rises up on me, which disturbed and scorched my entire soul during Matins because of the sexton Ivan P. Kiselyov, who, it seemed to me, very quickly and inexpressively, quietly read the Six Psalms, while in my heart there was a secret hostility and envy towards him, since he receives six times more in comparison with other sextons. I envied my neighbor’s grains, forgetting the full threshing floor of bread at home. I ran with extreme repentance to the Lord in this demonic storm, and God’s mercy did not reject me: I was miraculously delivered. February 23. Saturday Parents' Day. Morning. Five o'clock. Dream. I saw the deceased Father Matthew (in the Melchizedek monasticism) somewhere in the lower floor of the building (downstairs and lived in a church house); He treated me with hostility: I needed pomade for dry hair, I only asked him to take it on the end of his finger - he wouldn’t give it, he refused; meanwhile, living on earth, he was not very stingy with this. What does this refusal mean? This means that he is unhappy that we do not remember him. We need to remember. You, man, are learning to be hostile to God every day: you please the flesh, the belly, you are voluptuous, you cleave to money, to clothes, to various decorations, you love shiny things and in general material things that attract the eye, no matter what property or quality it may be, you allow partiality, you value people by their face, by their clothes, by their home, by their material condition, you spare, cherish the flesh and for the benefit of your neighbor you are reluctant to go to him if you expect little material benefit from him. [...] and immediately learn love for God and neighbor and enmity towards the flesh and the world. 24. Sunday. Week of the Prodigal Son. The terribly disembodied enemy attacked me through his anger, envy, pride, partiality. Today, during Matins, at the very beginning, he attacked me with secret anger at the sexton Kiselyov, when he came up for the blessing. The thought appeared that Kiselyov had become fat and enlarged due to his material wealth, and so the devil entered me through this crafty and unfriendly thought and extremely scorched and pressed me until, after the censing of the church, I fell with strong repentance to the holy throne and begged the Lord for deliverance and mercy. Then he attacked in various ways during mass. In Oranienbaum he attacked me through anger, contempt and disgust for the pockmarked, annoying old woman Euphemia and tormented me for a long time, all the way to St. Petersburg, until with sincere repentance I begged the Lord to deliver me from the evil one. Glory to the mercy of the Lord! Oh, I, a sinner corrupted to the bones and marrow! Man, do not be like a kaleidoscope, constantly changing into endless different types of sins, but be always identical and equal to yourself, one and the same man of God, simple 25, right, firm, pious, good, meek, kind, humble, pure, self-controlled, impassive, impartial, submissive, and not evil, proud, evil, envious. February 25. Monday. The devil attacked me today through an evil disposition and especially in the evening when returning by sea through a lustful thought, through the [instantaneous] image of female nakedness [...]. Only in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ did he win after much effort. Praise the Lord. And in general, I overcome all sins only by diligently believing and calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, or simply by Him, represented essentially, personally, unchangeably, always in the Eucharist. How many great saving memories are connected with the Cross! How many blessings are hidden in it by the will of God for the sake of the Lord of glory who suffered and died on it! And the Lutherans, the Pashkovites, the Stundists blaspheme him. Damned, crazy! March 7. On the fourth and fifth, the merchant Vasily Gavrilovich Avaev, who was punished with paralysis for incontinence and drunkenness, visited the city of Tver for the first time. He gave communion to him, his wife, and his mother (both Pelagia: Mikhailovna and Vasilievna). There were tons of people who wanted to pray and be blessed. It was unthinkable to leave - there was a wall of people. For about two weeks my eyes have been seriously festering, but, as I notice, my vision is not deteriorating, thank God. In the morning, at night, [...] [scum] is made in the side depressions, like sulfur crackers. Let the scrofulous pus come out. The Lord of nature Himself heals the body, removing harmful juices and pus, but I, cowardly and short-sighted in mind, am worried, faint-hearted, afraid of losing my sight, through which I am rewarded with countless benefits from the Lord. I will not worry, I will endure complacently; let my vision, as if in alkali, be cleared of pus. 8. Saturday of the First Week of Lent. There are at least three thousand people for confession, no less. I gave a general confession halfway through. Amazing. One messenger from Father Anthony, the Tikhvin elder, sent me an answer to my secret desire and a secret prayer to God to extend my life to ninety years or more, that God could continue my life on earth to a hundred years. I thank the Lord for His mercy. Only for Your glory, Lord, and for the sake of 16 my accomplishment and arrangement of all affairs for Your glory and for the benefit of people, may my candle burn brightly. Amen. Protestants and Reformed people, and after them the Pashkovites and Tolstoyans, were carried away by the spirit of Antichrist, the spirit of blasphemy against the saints of God, failure to pay respect to the Mother of God, the holy Angels and holy men, glorified by God Himself with great honors, miracles and the incorruption of their miraculous relics. The followers of Luther and his disciples destroyed the Church of God in their society and founded in its place a human community with errors characteristic of people, distorted the entire concept of the Church, severed the [golden] connection with the heavenly Church and were left alone, without the prayer aid of the heavenly Church, the Mother of God Herself, holy Angels and holy men; distorted the Creed, rejected many Sacraments, dogmas of faith, and to top it all off, they still boast of their apostasy from the Holy Church, celebrating their apostasy from the Church every year, performing a kind of triumph of the Lutheran heresy, just as the Orthodox Church celebrates the Triumph of Orthodoxy annually on the first Sunday of Great Lent. This is how far the devil, the serpent of the abyss, has carried away the followers of Luther. 9–13. I was in Moscow for one day and in St. Petersburg for two days. I thank the Lord for the abyss of salvation that the Lord accomplished in me both in Kronstadt, and in St. Petersburg, and in Moscow, and on the way forward and back in many different secret and obvious salvation from passions and fighting enemies. In the depiction of the sign of the cross, all Christians should see (and many see) our salvation fulfilled, realized and constantly being realized on the Cross through the suffering on the cross and the death of our Lord Jesus Christ according to the will of God the Father and the Son of God Himself, through the action and accomplishment of the Holy Spirit. In the sign of the cross, the image of the saving passion of Christ God is clearly symbolically represented, and together the image of the Holy Trinity in the addition of three main fingers and two natures in Christ, of which with one, human nature, He endured the saving passion and death. The invention of the sign of the cross by Orthodox Christians is wisely significant. Why did I lose interest in the late Tsar-Father Alexander the Second, under whom I lived so prosperously, enjoying all the rights, privileges and honors of his monarch? Why do I blame him for the unsuccessful war for the Slavs, in which an abyss of people and money was lost, while Turkey, defeated by us, was not taken prisoner at the time, the Bulgarians were sacrificed to anarchy and sedition, and all the benefits of the victors were handed over to the judgment of the German Areopagus led by Bismarck? 26 Why does the deceased... Is it my business to judge kings? God is their Judge. He received retribution in his martyrdom, 27 and I make peace with him, and pity him, and will pray for him with all my heart, for he is now on God’s infallible judgment. I must repay him with love for the benefits of his former reign. Wake up! Amen. I am very irritable towards the poor, and many who are not poor, for various reasons, especially because of pride, self-indulgence, self-sparing, self-pity, love of money, partiality, and voluptuousness. May I be meek and gentle, like a lamb, by the grace of God. And in me, the devil represents reasons and cases for irritation and offense to my neighbors (in a dream, Philip Stepanov’s wife Ekaterina came to repent, and I insulted her with irritability and anger at her). March 28. The confessor must repent and delve deeply into himself and condemn himself completely. March 30. Saturday of Middle Week. Every day the Lord creates in my soul an abyss of miracles of His mercy and power, reviving my soul, deadened by sins and passions, for the sake of repentance and calling on His name and delivering it from the stench of sin, confusion and demonic storm, scorching fire and oppression. Today, during the communion of the laity, in my soul I despised and humiliated one lame virgin of about twenty-five years old (living with Peter Onufriev), and then the demon of pride, malice and partiality entered into me and began to oppress and torment me, putting my soul to death, plunging it into the darkness of hell. For a long time I secretly prayed to the Lord to have mercy on me and to change my soul from evil to good, from pride and contempt to humility and respect for my neighbor as one-natural, as a fellow member of the Church of God, as a member of Christ, and finally the Lord had mercy and saved me, delivering me from the ethereal enemies who caught me in their net. I thank the Lord. And how many such catches happen constantly! Against my sexton Ivan Pavlovich Kiselyov, the devil often excites me and burns and oppresses me with anger, pickiness, discontent, and only through intense prayer do I defeat him. April 1–18. I didn’t keep daily records for many things. But their general character and content were the usual stumblings and falls, spiritual or carnal: grief, wine drinking, gluttony, irritation, bitterness, partiality, servility, gluttony, voluptuousness, passionate touching, self-love, self-indulgence, carnality, self-pity and lack of pity for others, lack of compassion for others, love of money, stinginess, hard-heartedness, laziness in prayer, absent-mindedness, haste in saying prayers for the people, grumbling, cowardice, impatience, insufficient giving of alms, laziness. April 18. Maundy Thursday. Today, before morning, I became angry with the fitful girl Anastasia, who often unusually approaches my hand and kisses me diligently to the point of annoyance (this is painful for her, and I blamed it on her for disobedience and stubbornness); the devil wounded me terribly, and through prayer, faith, and repentance I begged the Lord to deliver me from the devil’s malice, and I was delivered by the grace of the Lord. During mass, when I was giving communion to the people (two thousand and more), one communicant with a very ugly face, an elderly virgin, who often came up for communion, I despised and was indignant in my soul (oh me, the devil!), and the devil began to torment me, confused me, cooled me both to the Holy Mysteries and to everyone, and only through zealous repentance and faith in the Lord and self-condemnation did I get rid of the torment. I am the worst of all - and I dare to humiliate others for the sake of it! I humiliate the Lord as the Creator in the person of my neighbor, damned one. And when I served prayer services and met Ekaterina, [...] a beautiful woman, extremely attractive and often showed sympathy to me, I caressed her and squeezed her with tenderness and voluptuousness. Here are extremes and contempt and voluptuousness because of an ugly and beautiful face! I am a damned fornicator, partial, self-indulgent, voluptuous! I am continually guilty before my God and I repent. April 19. On the night of Good Friday, the devil began his enmity with me (after evening confession) by the fact that in a dream he caused my sexton Kiselyov to quarrel with some driver in front of the people, and I was supposedly driving along with the sexton, as always; the driver had completely left and did not want to carry him further and was cursing; I got it too; The people I met treated me disrespectfully, as if they had never taken off their hats (and in reality, what respect I received from everyone!). In the evening, having read in the “Church Gazette” about the entry into the Lithuanian diocese of Bishop Donatus 28, known to me, to the rank of archbishop, I, his former comrade (he is younger in course) and a witness to his extremely low entrance scores (in the exam for admission to the Academy), secretly despised him and thought: is Saul really a prophet? [1 Samuel 10:11] - although in no way can he be compared with Saul, for Donatus is a good-looking man, meek, humble, good, intelligent and wise. When I despised him, my soul became heavy, and I strongly secretly began to repent of my devilish pride, for I despised the bishop of God, and the Lord had mercy on me for the sake of His name, graciously, joyfully and easily. Moral teaching. We must rejoice at the rise of our brother as if it were our own and thank God for it, for he rises to the glory of God and for show to people, and pray to the Lord to give him the strength to carry out high service with dignity and bear a high rank, and in general to rejoice in every well-being of an honest, good person as if it were our own, for the good of an honest neighbor is ours, or the common good, and if not so, then out of the kindness of the heart sympathize with the well-being of another and pray God, may his well-being serve for the glory of God and the benefit of his neighbors. When you hear about someone’s bad deeds, do not condemn those who do them, for you yourself are sinful and prone to all sorts of sins and passions, to all sorts of outrages, and only convenient opportunities did not present themselves to you, for example, power, influence, wealth, a secret place and the like, to actually commit a crime. Pray for deliverance from the sins of your neighbor, for example, covetousness, untruth, distortion of conscience and soul, hardness of heart, drunkenness, adultery, theft, 29 beatings and tyranny, ferocity, as if you yourself were possessed by these passions. For each of us, or many of us, can easily, under certain favorable circumstances, become a drunkard and an adulterer, a thief and a robber, a misanthrope and a covetous person, a covetous person and a deceiver, a liar and a charmer, deceiving others and deceiving himself. Pray for all those who sin, as for yourself, sincerely, strongly, and do not condemn them, do not curse them, do not wish them death or illness (except for correction) or severe punishment, for everyone’s nature is weak and extremely prone to any sin. August 30, 1891. It has been a long time since I wrote in my book, more than four months. It is impossible to count and describe how many daily, great, saving mercies God gave me at that time. And in Kronstadt, and in both capitals, and at home, and on the road, especially on a long journey to the north and from there to the south, to Kharkov, at public meetings, during services in the national church, when countless people flocked. How much mercy of God there is during the services of Matins and Liturgy in different cities and monasteries! How much people's love, sympathy, respect, desire for me, a sinner! And the creation of a stone church in our homeland in a poor village, splendid, decorated with all kinds of utensils, its solemn consecration - what a mercy of God! I thank and glorify You, Lord, who glorifies me and wins the hearts of people towards me and who through them sent me material sacrifices for the creation and decoration of the church! August 30. Morning. Holy, wise, life-giving, saving, beautiful are the laws of the Creator, given to rational creatures, gifted with free will and reason, and to fulfill these laws is a holy, saving, blessed duty: through its fulfillment we are calm, joyful, healthy, respected, loved and achieve the high, saving goal of our life both here, in time, and there, in eternity. Let us take as an example the law of purity and chastity, that is, purity of thoughts, heartfelt feelings, dispositions, affections, pure, passionless love! Keeping this law accurately and strictly is an indispensable law for all people, a law that is extremely beneficial for the soul and body, and violating it entails dissatisfaction with oneself, remorse, loss of spiritual peace, ill health, weakness and languor in the body, mental relaxation, demonic possession, irritability, impatience, anger towards loved ones and those not close, zeal for every sin, and in general a host of evils. A wonderful, saving, sovereign deliverance from sinful worries was given to me by the Lord Christ through my secret prayer during the all-night vigil in the church of the House of Diligence, delivering me from mental confusion and crampedness and giving me the longed-for peace, and freedom of the spirit, and tender prayer, and great boldness, and the triumph of the spirit during the reading and singing of the canons and stichera. Glory to Thee, Lord! August 30. Friday. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from unclean thoughts and lusts and their violence and who gave me holy spiritual dispositions, and a sense of holiness and chastity, and reconciliation with myself and with God, and peace of mind. What an infinite difference between sin and truth! How sin deadens the soul and how the truth of God, the fulfillment of God’s commandments, lives! August 31st. I thank the Lord, who, through the secret prayer of faith for the sake of His name, showed me His protection, deliverance, and help while traveling on the ship from Oranienbaum to Kronstadt at seven hours and thirty minutes in the evening of August 30. The fact is that I was offended by one Kronstadt woman for her frequent requests to receive communion of the Holy Mysteries ([...]), and she was also offended by me, and my heart became tight, unpeaceful, vague; and then I became indignant at the beggar woman who often runs onto the ship to ask for alms, and with a strong movement of my hand I moved her away from me, and I went to the wheelhouse of the ship, and that’s why I was restless; and when I secretly repented and condemned myself, the Lord had mercy on me and gave me peace in His name. Glory to Thee, Lord! And you can’t count how many such rescues happen a day! Oh, how much mercy and salvation from the Lord I receive every hour! By fighting sins and temptations, the spirit of a Christian person is strengthened, his nobility and godlikeness are redeemed, little by little the likeness of the all-holy, all-blessed, all-free God is achieved, he gets rid of the corruption of passions and in general merges with the material world, with its corruptible things, which is contrary to the nature of our soul and into which the spirit of evil plunges us. A Christian must certainly struggle at all times and at every hour with his passions. God bless. For the struggle and victory, the Lord Himself will dwell in him and live in him. Come out from among them and be separate... And I will be a Father to you, and you will be My sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty. ...I will dwell in them and walk in them [2 Cor. 6:17–18, 16]. September 3. Bodiless enemies, spirits of malice, are strongly pursuing me, exciting and inciting me extremely violently to hostility and anger towards my temporary assistant Nikolai Pels (from the Jews) - meek, humble, kind, helpful, helpful, zealous for worship and reading in church. With great difficulty I overcame their wiles by God's grace. May I adhere to love, meekness, condescension, and respect for a person’s face. All high hierarchs, saints, priests and deacons are also burdened with weakness, according to the word of the Apostle Paul, therefore saints and the sanctified must offer sacrifice both for their own and for human sins [Heb.5:1-3]; there is only one saint, one Lord Jesus Christ - therefore, let us pray fervently first for our sins and together for human ignorance, so that our prayer will be acceptable to the Savior of all and to the Lamb of God, who took upon Himself the sins of the world, and let us not condemn any of the saints and sanctified ones for any secret or obvious sins. They stand or fall for their Lord, not for us [Rom.14:4]; We ourselves are in sins, and it is not for us to judge them. Let us see and remove our own beam first from the eye of our soul [Matthew 7:5]. Love covers everything, does not envy, does not exalt itself, is not proud, does not rejoice over untruth, but over the truth; love never fails [ 1 Corinthians 13:4–8 ]. September 4. You have no depth of heart when reading prayers that are often repeated (and readings from the Gospels and the Holy Scriptures in general) because of the impurity of your heart, enslaved to passions. Cleanse your heart with deep repentance, tears, sighs, abstinence, and then pray and read from the depths of your soul, with heartfelt truth and fervor. What does the wormhole in the fruit and the damage to the entire fruit from it suggest? What worms gnaw at the human heart? How can you make your heart a pleasant dwelling place for the Lord? A ship at sea, overwhelmed by waves, is a human soul, agitated by passions. The ruler of the earth and the sea and the whole world is Christ, He is the Helmsman, the Shepherd and Visitor of our souls, the Tamer of the storm of our passions. Sometimes because of one person, a transgressor of God’s will, the wind rages and the sea becomes terribly agitated, threatening drowning. Thus, because of the prophet Jonah, who transgressed the command of God, a storm arose during his voyage across the sea, threatening the ship with destruction, and after it erupted into the sea, the storm immediately subsided. Jonah was swallowed up by a sea animal and thrown unharmed onto the shore, but through this man a very impressive lesson was given to all people of all ages. Therefore, those sailing on a ship must strictly keep the commandments of God, so that otherwise the Lord of the sea and our Lord, the righteous Judge, who seeks truth and holiness in us, will not be angry. The heart of your highest spiritual superior does not lie with you, you say; he is harsh towards you, cold as ice, treats you with contempt. Maybe so. But ask yourself honestly: does your heart lie with him, do you respect him sincerely, do you love him like a father, do you excuse him for his coldness, rudeness, unkindness by various circumstances: old age, the habits of his high position, the weaknesses characteristic of every person? Don't you have antipathy towards him because of his unattractive face, which does not immediately favor him? Hasn’t the demon built a nest of pride, selfishness, partiality, contemplation, carnality, and guile in your heart, because of which you only like people who have a pleasant face, are beautiful, are affectionate, and are kind the first time? After all, this is true. But love not according to the old, carnal, passionate man, [but] according to the new, according to Christ, according to the Gospel: obey not only good and meek rulers, but also harsh ones, according to the Apostle [1 Pet. 2:18]. September 10. I condemn myself, I reproach myself, I reproach myself, and I recognize myself as worthy of all punishment and reproach for my irritation and anger at the poor who approached me on the bridge of the steamship “Luna” (nine and a half o’clock in the evening) on ​​Tuesday, especially at those who, having received alms once or twice, still came up with requests; I got so angry that I hit them in the face several times with my hand in the sleeve of my cloth cassock. He repented and cried before God about his insolence, about his impatience, irritation, stinginess, covetousness. Was it not You, O most generous God, who provided me with all sorts of means to help those in need, while I do not give to everyone who needs it, and to whom I give, I give sparingly, little, insufficiently, often reluctantly, with coercion and anger. September 12. Evening. How much mercy and power of God appears in me every day and hour, how many victories of God’s goodness and mercy over my incessant sins, over the power of malice and deception within me of the devil! How many joys of deliverance! How much peace, freedom, consolation, boldness - and all this for the sake of my repentance and calling with faith and hope on the wonderful, all-saving, all-powerful name of the Lord Jesus Christ! Every herb, leaf, tree, every tree or root fruit is fragrant and has a pleasant taste and beautiful appearance and serves to benefit people, but [in us] what aroma is there for the Lord and the Church of God? - One sinful stench! What taste? One bitterness of sin and countless passions! What kind? One disgrace of sin, absurdity 30. What will we bring to the Lord, brothers and sisters, the Creator and Planter of our 31 souls? After all, we are required to have the fruits of life, the fruits of good deeds. Where are they? The enemy is extremely cunning in turning human hearts away from God and in destroying people; he only has to ignite a spark of addiction in a person’s heart for a woman or a girl, in general carnal addiction, or a spark of addiction to money, clothes, food, drinks, or anger towards one’s neighbor, pride, vanity - and a person will already turn away from God, his Creator. September 14. The Lord created in me a miracle of enlightenment, admonition, tearful repentance, tenderness, peace, when I, upset for a long time by the coldness and severity of Metropolitan Isidore when introduced to him, was hostile towards him at times and now, while traveling along the railway, and was languishing in soul. The Lord commanded me to blame myself for self-love, pride, impatience, bitterness, and to justify him or to treat him condescendingly as an obsequious person 32 and not to have an opinion or judgment about him as an evil, proud, obstinate person, and even if he was, to generously endure his obstinacy as due retribution for my sins. When I positioned myself in this way, tears of tenderness flowed from my eyes and I calmed down and decided not to listen to my old man, to crucify my pride and rejoice over dishonor and reproach, beating, strangulation, expulsion, if any followed. September 23. Evil, unclean spirits tempt me in different ways, all craftily, both in reality and in a dream. In a dream yesterday they tempted me, introducing themselves as girls who came up to me with open breasts and let me touch their nipples, which caused me to experience fornication and ejaculation, defilement, carnal inflammation; and today they tempted me with anger towards the former servant Anna, who was presented as disobedient and rude to me, and I got angry and cursed her in my sleep. O crafty, unclean, all-evil spirits! May the Lord waste you. October 1st. Every day the Lord pours out an abyss of mercy on me through my faith and through the prayer of repentance, crushing and destroying the forces of hell and the devil in me, destroying my passions, melting the demonic ice of my heart and giving me justification, peace, freedom, boldness, joy. The Holy Synod is the representative of the highest spiritual authority in Russia, the representative of the Russian Church, the source of the Russian Orthodox priesthood, the highest center of the spiritual court, the guardian of the apostolic, patristic and conciliar canons, the representative of the Russian Orthodox pastorate and the spiritual educator of the entire multi-million flock of the Russian state, the highest leader of all hierarchs of the Russian Church and the entire consecrated Russian Council. What lofty, broad, complex and multifaceted responsibilities! There is in us a restless, tormenting worm of pride, which does not tolerate the slightest humiliation or neglect, inattention or insult from others, not only our inferiors and equals, but our superiors and superiors; the worm is extremely sensitive, vindictive, malicious, malicious towards others. We must kill, crucify this worm, or our old man. How to kill? Do everything opposite to what he wants, and willingly, joyfully endure everything that is disgusting to him: inattention, neglect, humiliation, insult from people lower, equal and higher; to be kind to everyone who treats us harshly or contemptuously, not to be offended by them, to excuse them, to pray for them sincerely and willingly. Metropolitan Isidore is a ninety-three-year-old elder. Because of his severity, unkindness, pride, severity, unfriendlyness, lack of communication, for the deadening formality in his attitude towards me and the priests, for thirty-five years I have suffered from dislike for him, dislike, sometimes hostility, and sometimes I speak harshly, passionately about him to strangers, although for eight or ten years he, they say, has changed towards me and others for the better. Until now I have no inclination to see him or speak with him, fearing his severity and deadening pride and coldness. But he did me a lot of good, although at the request or representation of others, he awarded me appropriate awards, left Muratova’s affair with me without consequences, allows me to soon leave for Moscow and my homeland, does not drive me away, does not persecute me, protects me if necessary, sympathizes with me in my good activities and in my glory from good people. I thank the Lord. I thank the archpastor. The worm of voluptuousness must be killed by abstinence, malnutrition, not by eating sweets and drinking sweets, not to passionately touch the female body and not to look intently at young beautiful female faces, not to despise the ugly, pockmarked, sideways, crooked, scabby 33 , unclean, lame, crippled, ugly, treat everyone with love, humility, respect, kindness, helpfully. October 11. Friday. Until now I have not learned to curb my anger: and today I was irritated with my goddaughter Paraskeva Shlyapnikova, spoke angrily and pushed her strongly, and before this I was angry with many, especially with beggars and other various people. I have not yet learned to curb vision and voluptuousness and allow myself passionate touches and through all this I fall away from the sanctity of the Spirit and from Christ, my life. Have mercy on me, O Lord, and perfect [Russian: establish] my steps in Your paths [Ps.16:5]. Amen. October 18. Let me deny myself. I must reject the old man and not at all think, feel, intend, speak or act on his harmful suggestions and movements. But I have not yet learned to deny myself and live like a pagan, doing the will of the flesh and thoughts: I am vindictive, offended, despondent, lose heart when the highest spiritual authorities treat me harshly, rudely, heartlessly, arrogantly, derogatorily, unfairly; or I am partial, I look at 34 alien beauty - and I am wounded in my heart and lust, or I see the unseemly face of a crooked or blind, lame, sick, covered with scabs or wounds - and I turn away from him, I do not love him, I despise him; or I get annoyed when something is broken in my apartment, broken, dirty, ugly; or I am dissatisfied when, for the work of the wealthy people whom I serve, they give a small reward, although they have good means. According to the word of God, according to conscience and common sense, I must go against the old man, so to speak, against the current, or his crooked current, think, feel, intend, speak and do contrary to him. So, if the authorities treat me harshly, rudely, contemptuously, I must humble myself, and consider myself worthy of that and even greater anger and displeasure for my sins, and love the authorities, pray for them, and overcome obstinacy with love and humility, and do the same in all similar cases, defeating evil with patience and love and humility. October 26. Regarding the mockery at Moscow University of Vladimir Solovyov 35 and professors with students on Solovyov’s essay. It is not they who mock the saints and the Holy Church, but God who mocks them, for God has turned the wisdom of this world into foolishness [1 Cor. 1:20]; God laughs at their madness, blindness, ignorance, insolence, or they laugh at themselves, short-sighted, blind. The statutes of the Church are eternal and unshakable; saints are like hard adamants, like mountains immovable in faith, lamps of the world, those who have denied themselves, and not egoists; remember the apocalyptic serpent, how he opened his mouth to blaspheme God and those living in heaven [Rev.13:6]. The blasphemous devil operates in Solovyov and the scientists. Pathetic! It is not Solovyov who laughs at the Church and the saints, but God who laughs at his madness, ignorance and slow-wittedness: God turned the wisdom of this world into madness [1 Cor. 1:20]. Scientists like him believe that the world stands by them, is civilized and cultivated by them, but the word of God is true: the seed of his holy standing [Isa. 6:13], that is, holy men of God, doing the will of God. Soloviev and others like him are not worth a shoe’s strap on the foot, for example, of an apostle or some saint, for example, St. Sergius of Radonezh. They think that the earth stands on them, like on [fabulous] whales. Do not answer a fool according to his stupidity, lest you become like him; Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest he become wise in his own eyes [ Proverbs 26:4–5 ]. October 30, 1891. I sinned before the Lord and angered Him, marveling at the elegant gilding and marble and the space, elegance and height of the chambers of the rich nobleman in St. Petersburg, Peter von Derviz, who spent no less than a million rubles on the construction of his palace, surpassing the royal palace in wealth and beauty. I sinned in marveling at this vanity and staring at it, for this luxury is pure enmity against God and neighbors, whom one could feed for a whole year in the number of a thousand people or ten thousand people. October 31st. I thank the Lord and His great saint, the great martyr and healer Panteleimon, for the speedy healing after my secret prayer to this passion-bearer and quick-to-hear. November 1–10. Sunday. I have been sick for two weeks with a strong cough that gives me little rest, especially in the last 36 days; Now, for about five days, the attacks have become less frequent, especially at night. There is no proper appetite, sense of health, vigor, energy, courage; despondency, murmuring, dissatisfaction with oneself and others sets in. But rise, intercede, save and preserve me, O God, with Your grace. Grant me with a sincere heart to thank You, the source of life and immortality, for restoring my health and for the fact that You did not destroy me with my iniquities, but usually showed Your love for mankind in me. November 11. Monday. I thank the Lord that he was not completely angry with me, a sinner, and did not destroy me in my illness of influenza 37, from which I suffered severely and from which at times I even hoped to die - it plunged me into such despondency and relaxation of mind and body! Now, two weeks later, I, thank God, feel good; Only the coughing attacks are sometimes severe. Oh, what a great gift is health of soul and body! During Matins in the Church of the House of Diligence, there were strong attacks of anger towards the reader Joseph, demonic nagging: this is not right, this is wrong, he is holding the candle wrong, I think; turns over the pages of the book he was reading from, at the wrong time, sings out of time or very loudly - such demonic quibbles! And it’s hard for me! It’s so sickening, it’s oppressing, it’s stinging, you damned one! And during the proskomedia of the real liturgy, the enemy aroused in me hostility towards Metropolitan Isidore through the memory of his harsh methods of my insignificant person. I am fully worthy of such harsh receptions as an indecent person, who had previously met with him and secretly disliked him because of his homely face and some unkind rumors about him. But the heart gives the message to the heart. So I myself am to blame, first of all, for the bad methods of the ruler, and my unrighteousness has descended on my head. From now on, Lord, grant me to have sincere respect for him, as an old man of advanced years, as the high priest of the Russian Church and the chairman of the Holy Synod. A bishop in his Church is like the sun in the world; without a bishop there is no Church 38. May all grace rest upon the bishop, and especially the grace of humility, wisdom, and diligent care for the shepherds and flock, for all small and great. God! Unite shepherds and flocks. God! Teach me to be humble about myself and consider myself worthy of all punishment and dishonor for my sins. God! Glorify my diaries, in which I constantly glorify You sincerely. Amen. November 12. Tuesday. God! Grant me the grace to have perfect respect and love for Metropolitan Isidore and the devil’s hostility to be rooted out both towards him, the lord, and towards the Holy Synod and towards various persons, without distinction of status and titles; May perfect love be planted and take root for everyone. Grant, Lord! Without You I can do nothing [John 15:5]. Wake up! November 14 to 15th. Today I saw in a dream the wonderful luminous face of St. Sergius of Radonezh, and for a long time I looked with reverence and surprise, thinking that he, St. Sergius, loved the Lord with all his heart from his youth, with all his mind, exhausted his flesh with fasting and vigil, cleansed it with completely constant contemplation and prayer, constant struggle with the spirits of evil in heaven [ Eph.6:12 ], by works of meekness, humility, love, patience, and he was truly a pillar of godliness and a model for all those under his hand. So I looked at the bright face of the monk and thought about him. Glory to God, who made me worthy to see His great saint in a dream! An evil spirit knocks in my room from time to time at certain hours (in the evening, at midnight, in the morning) and shoots like a gun. I forbid him this in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, fencing [the place] with the sign of the cross, and he stops doing dirty tricks. On November 16th. Saturday. I saw in a dream Metropolitan Isidore, in a carriage, rolling into some church, apparently for a service, with great pomp, accompanied by some of his acquaintances. I ran after the carriage and wanted to see him in the church - but I didn’t succeed; I saw him only from behind in the carriage, which had a window at the back. What does it mean? He probably sometimes remembers me, unworthy, distant and unpleasant from him. And I remember him both out of obligation, out of duty in the church, and out of free initiative. May God always be with him and in him, may he rule rightly, Isidore, the word of truth, may he be a burning lamp in the candlestick of the All-Russian Church. Wake up! May he be humble and accessible, as You, Lord Jesus, the Good Shepherd, were accessible to all during Your earthly life to all sinners and sinners and did not shy away from anyone, and even dined with Judas the traitor. What a fool I am! Having received the fullness of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries of Christ, I allowed myself on November 17, Sunday, to have an early lunch, that is, to eat my fill of fish pie, fish soup, roast fish, drink tea, wine, and thus inflame and unbridle all my passions, which [tyrannically], with impudence attack a satiated person. Where is the commandment of fasting? Where is it stored? Where is the obedience to God and the Holy Church? I have created dust throughout my soul 39, you damned one! And how many kindlings of prodigals! How many lusts! How much voluptuous vision, unclean lusts, unclean memories and imaginations! Oh, damned man I am, descending in life [...] and [society] lower and lower. Forgive me, Lord my God! During the Nativity Fast, the attacks of evil spirits on my weakness are especially strong and severe - attacks through hostility and hatred, pride towards subordinate readers because of every little thing: the movement of the voice, for some reason dissonant or amplified, the hand, head, cough, blowing the nose, and so on. The pickiness and impatience of every little thing that for some reason I don’t like is extreme, sharp, burning, unbearable, and if it were not for secret repentance and the mercy of the Lord that precedes, protects, delivers, pacifies, then I would die from the fiery, violent, deadly machinations of the demons - they are so poisonous and murderous! I thank the Lord, who delivered me a thousand times through my secret prayer from invisible enemies and their destructive intrigues and who gave me a thousand times peace and freedom. It is remarkable that the more intemperate I am in food and drink, the stronger and more acute the temptations from invisible enemies, the more morally weak I become for virtue and prayer. I thank the Lord a thousand times, who has mercy on me every day beyond words. In addition to hostility and hatred of neighbors, unclean spirits seduce with lustful dreams and carnal sensuality, torment, rape, until I sincerely repent and call on the sweetest name of the Lord Jesus Christ, for then immediately the demonic violence ceases and righteousness, peace and freedom are established in the soul. January 18, 1892. Many passions nest within me, unpowered, undefeated, reigning in me brazenly, especially self-love, voluptuousness, gluttony and delicacy, love of money and in general greed, ambition, pride, vanity, anger, malice, hostility, ill will, malice, [grudge], gloating, impatience, irritation, partiality, deceit, hypocrisy, laziness, self-pity and self-sparing, voluptuousness, fornication, adultery, unclean lust, passionate touching, murmuring, self-will, negligence about pleasing God and the salvation of souls. How many times have I sinned with anger and irritation and was angry with my parishioners who invited me to the sick with the Holy Gifts, because for the love of money I wanted to travel around with prayer services for visitors, and then go to St. Petersburg for prayers and to make money - although for charity and alms, but also for myself together! How many times have I longed for the adulterous touch of women’s [bodies] and been burned with lust for the fair sex, although I immediately repented and did not allow myself to be molested, but sometimes I did. When will I crucify my flesh with passions and lusts? When will I stop wearing the cross of the Lord on my chest in vain? When will I love the Lord with all my heart, with all my being and completely drive out from myself the accursed, vile sin? January 20, 92. Why does the Lord allow the struggle between good and evil and introduce a virtuous person into the struggle against evil and various temptations? Because in struggle, virtue is more revealed, shines and strengthens and reaches the highest degree of tension and strength, the greatest manifestation of love for the Creator and Benefactor God, the greatest victory over sin, the flesh, the world and the devil, the greatest cleansing from sin, which has penetrated deeply into our heart, our mind, our will, our entire corrupt nature. That is why the Lord allows temptations for those who love Him, sorrows, illnesses, losses, leads them into labors and struggles, that is, for the greatest knowledge of their sins, their charm 8, absurdity, madness, destruction and for the strongest resistance to them, for fighting them and overcoming them, and for discovering the power of virtues - love, patience, thanksgiving to God, and for the complete expulsion from our entire being of sin, which has deeply penetrated the soul and our bodies, usually hiding in the depths of the human heart and constantly desecrating and wounding the human race, - and in the end, to achieve bright crowns from God the Ascetic and to receive the highest bliss. David, Job, Hezekiah and before them Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, patriarchs, prophets, apostles, saints, especially Chrysostom, Basil the Great, Gregory the Theologian, St. Nicholas the Wonderworker, all the saints. I thank the Lord, who every day gives me multiple victories over the passions that nest and manifest themselves in me: self-love, malice, envy, pride, all-destructive lusts, impatience, self-pity and self-sparing, partiality, hypocrisy and deceit and other countless passions. This victory comes to me only after struggle and only by the grace of Christ God, our Combatant, the Conqueror of hell, by [invoking] His name. Glory to the Lord! Therefore, the Lord introduces His chosen ones into the struggle against sin and evil, because from this struggle spiritual light, spiritual wisdom and experience, the absurdity and destruction of sin and evil in general, and the beauty and vitality of virtue shine forth, which all those who do not struggle with sin and are constantly seduced by it do not know and do not see. I thank the Lord, who wisely and graciously guided and guided me throughout my entire life, teaching my hands to fight and my fingers to fight [Ps. 143:1]. February 8. I thank the Lord for the tenfold deliverance from prodigal and evil passions and for the gift of peace, spiritual freedom and sweetness, coupled with the righteousness of the spirit brought about by the grace of forgiveness. What sweetness do I need other than the sweetness of God, true, peaceful, righteous? What beauty is there besides the beauty of the Lord, which surpasses all beauty of creatures? What treasure is there besides the Lord, Who is the incorruptible, eternal, living treasure of immortal souls? Why do I have a craving for sensual, pernicious sweets, connecting my soul and body, confusing, enslaving my soul, killing? Glory to Thee, Lord, the only Most Sweet, Most Good Benefactor. 12. I thank the Lord, who created a sovereign victory for His name in my soul, killed by the sin of suspicion of the altar watchman Vasily and pity for the allegedly lost money (given to my nephew and sent to women’s monasteries and other places and to some people), and who gave me peace, freedom, life, and soon I immediately received a thousand rubles through Mrs. Chernogolova. February 26, 92. I sincerely accuse myself of gluttony, greed, and satiety with delicious fish cutlets on the evening of February 25. I couldn’t sleep peacefully; I got up several times. From now on I will never eat at night or eat fish at the wrong time. Help, Lord Jesus, my incorruptible food and drink! Father Matthew Matv[evich] Veselovsky, the former keymaster of the cathedral and my co-celebrant, I saw in a dream today at about five o’clock in the morning as alive, in a purple kamilavka, fresh, healthy; I also saw some other priests, singers, and Deacon Poletaev. To remember Father Matthew today (fiftieth anniversary of the Assumption Church at the City Duma). Repentance. [Prayer]. We inherit the Christian Orthodox faith by birth and are taught to believe in one God in Three Persons, we have the happiness of belonging to the Orthodox Church, the only saving, faithful guide to God and to the Kingdom of Heaven, in which we are given all the strength for life and piety [2 Pet. 1:3]. We are a chosen race (from all generations and peoples), a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people called to be God’s inheritance, so that out of darkness we may proclaim the virtues of Him who called us into His wonderful light [1 Peter 2:9]... We are creatures, creatures of the Lord God, and over all creatures and creatures there is one King - the Lord; He gave laws and commandments for unfailing fulfillment to all creatures - verbal 41 and dumb, rational and irrational, animate and inanimate, because He is wise, holy, righteous, all-good, unchangeable, omnipotent... From the fulfillment of laws there is benefit to all creatures, from non-fulfillment - trouble, ugliness, corruption, destruction... We all must strictly obey the commandments God, if we want to be prosperous, healthy, calm, prosperous, blessed in eternity, for God created us for eternal life in order to fulfill His commandments, leading to truth and holiness and eternal bliss. March 19, 92. Until now, I had not abandoned my hard-heartedness and insolence with my hand: I hit a beggar boy (he was twelve years old) in the face near Kudryavtsev’s house behind Gostiny Dvor for his annoying cry and impudent begging for alms (as it seemed to me), forced, perhaps, by hunger and general need. I repent to the Lord of this and many other sins of mine and ask for mercy and forgiveness. April 9. Fifth day of Easter. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to meet in good health and joy the saving Easter, an all-joyful one this year as well. On the third day of Easter I had a stomach ache from cottage cheese and cream and became extremely weak. Today I am completely healthy. Ruff soup and semolina gruel corrected me, and most importantly, the grace of God. We commit thousands of unfaithfulness to God every day: every secret and open sin is unfaithfulness to God and moving away from Him, every passionate thought in the soul is unfaithfulness to God and moving away from Him, falling away from Him and falling into the death of the soul. May, 28. Thursday. A terrible and sorrowful circumstance happened to me upon returning from Poland (Lesninsky Convent). I, extremely dusty, went to the bathhouse in Kronstadt, having not been there for eight months, and after the bath at night I began to open the window; the next day I felt weak in my vocal organs and had difficulty speaking during mass. I had difficulty reading the Trinity prayers at Vespers. On Spiritual Day he could not speak at all, and the next day he also served the liturgy in the Church of the House of Diligence with extreme deafness and difficulty. Why, I wondered, did this happen? From road dust or from baths and colds? What happened, it turned out, was that I lost my voice due to the cold and extremely rainy weather that soon arrived (it rained for three days). It’s remarkable that even on Spiritual Day I guessed that the weather would be damp, although there was not a cloud in the sky. What is my body's barometer? I despaired that I would completely lose my voice, and I prayed to the Lord and the Mother of God to give me a clear, loud, strong voice until I was very old. On Tuesday I left for Moscow (after Spiritual Day), and dear and in Moscow my voice returned. God bless! Glory to Our Lady! You beat the humble with the palms, the Lord said through the prophet to the Jews [Is. 58:4], and sometimes I did the same, damned one: I beat the innocent beggars with the palms for their persistent petition at every place of alms. Instead of mercy, sometimes, irritated, I give punches or punches on the nose, and the screaming beggar woman will only bow at her feet and say thank you, humble, kind, patient. August 8th. How many miracles of kindness, long-suffering and power, surpassing all the power of evil, the Lord has shown and shows in me every day during the service of God, especially during the liturgy, and outside the service in every place and at every hour! I thank the Lord for His mercy, for His victorious powers! God! You captivate all people of every rank and condition, gender and age into obedience to me, winning their hearts towards me - everything, everything. I thank You for this location, for this [general] good captivity. August 28, 1892. The representative of darkness and malice catches me daily through malice and hostility, partiality (beggars and unseemly people (especially women and virgins) are disgusting, as well as innocent children, who especially often approach the Holy Mysteries, and the handsome and beautiful arouse lust and lust), lust and adultery. Yesterday there was a particularly strong attack by the spirits of malice and extreme scorching and crowding: through hostility and anger towards one poor, unseemly woman and her three children, who often approached the Holy Chalice, the enemy cut into my heart with hostility and malice, and [I] in impatience and annoyance suggested that the woman leave Kronstadt, since he lives idle, carelessly, and I was punished for my hostility and hatred hellish fire, oppression and shame. O I, proud, greedy and voluptuous, hypocritical and hypocritical! Am I alone going to approach the Holy Cup and be satiated with it? Are those who are beautiful and pleasant in appearance and have property the only people and children of God, and the ugly and poor are not people and not children of God? O I, accursed and sinful, godless man! I condemn myself, I reprove myself, I condemn myself, and I ask the Lord for mercy and the blessing of my heart and my thoughts and my whole damned life! From now on, may I admit all children, without distinction, to the Holy Chalice with love and joy! And let me not attack my reader and singer, who allegedly sings or reads the Holy Scriptures incorrectly, and let me correct myself in all the ungodly ways of my sinful, internally prodigal, proud life. Oh, vain man I am, proud, self-deluded, self-righteous, evil, vindictive, malicious, malicious, prodigal, vain, lazy, disobedient, impatient, irritable, hypocritical, hypocritical, gluttonous, greedy, selfish! O old man, devilish, false, violent, nasty, foul-smelling, disgusting, evil! Through the action of a hostile spirit, I developed a dislike for one poor, unattractive woman, as it seemed to me, with three young children, especially because almost every day she either herself or other women bring all three children to communion. How insane is sin! Instead of hostility, according to common sense, one must have love and compassion for this woman as if she were poor, and if she is ugly and does not please my corrupt taste or opinion, then this is the dream of my bad heart, my voluptuous soul, which loves beautiful faces for the sake of voluptuousness; and it is not man who is the reason that he is ugly, but God and his parents, who gave birth to him in their own image. And for bringing children to communion, one must love and honor the woman, as well as children, for the fact that, out of faith and a sense of spiritual pleasure, they seek frequent communion of the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord, and rejoice that the Holy Mysteries are taught to kindly children. September 8, 92 Our big mistake and delusion is that we are offended by those in charge or in general by people who treat us harshly, strictly, unkindly, and, often remembering their imaginary or real unsociability, dryness, heartlessness, we bear a grudge, scold and despise them. This is wrong. We must [scold] and despise ourselves, and justify them and condescend to them, love and respect them. Why? Yes, because the reason for the coldness and unkindness of these people lies mainly in us, and not in them: probably, we ourselves were secretly disliked towards them and even despised, did not love them for something, well, at least because we do not like a famous person by physiognomy, by techniques, manners or by phlegmaticity, indifference, while we ourselves are lively, hot, fast, sensitive. We need to crucify our pride, our pretensions and be stricter with ourselves, with our shortcomings, of which there are many, and be lenient and forgiving towards people. Forgive us our debts... as we forgive... [Matthew 6:12]. Our great mistake and delusion lies in the fact that we always treat our sin-loving and multi-passionate flesh in kindness and put up with sin, which we must constantly fight with extreme hatred towards it; sin has acquired the right of citizenship in us, has become comfortable with us, has become second nature, but we must drive it out and drive it out and not spare our body, and most importantly, our bad “I”, the ungodly “I”, the devilish “I”. Where carnal love begins for someone, love for God and neighbor ends, enmity against God and neighbor in general begins. The love of this world (that is, carnal) is enmity with God [James 4:4]. Therefore, absolutely avoid carnal, prodigal, voluptuous or selfish love, which kills true love. Carnal, worldly love is selfish, narrow, blind, languid, rude, sensual, ephemeral and fickle and subject to all sorts of accidents, it often ends in explosions of anger, impatience, cruelty and murder, but true love is peaceful, constant, comprehensive, impartial, patient, non-irritable. Read from the Holy Apostle about love: Love is long-suffering, kind... does not boast... does not get angry, does not think evil... believes everything... endures everything... never fails [1 Cor. 13:4-8]. Glory to You, Lord, who teaches us to distinguish good from evil and avoid all-evil and all-destructive sin. September 9. Metropolitan Isidore of St. Petersburg rested in Bose on September 7. He was strict and severe towards me, a sinner, but according to my deeds: from the very beginning of his service in the rank of Metropolitan, I had no disposition or sympathy for him. Of course, there were reasons for my reluctance on his part: he never said a kind word to me and did nothing to attract me to him; however, he did not deprive me of official, accepted favor. And if he did not favor me, then the Lord Himself showed me an abyss of mercy and generosity during his bishopric, giving me name, wealth and glory and working in me and through me many miracles in His faithful people. Glory to the Lord be forever. Who will be the metropolitan? Grant, Lord, a ruler who is kind, approachable, truthful, zealous for the glory of Your name and for the salvation of Your people. I thank You, Lord, for You have repeatedly healed the illness of my soul - hostility towards the deceased and anger towards him for his extreme obstinacy and heartlessness - and returned me to forgiveness, affection and love [for him], as a weak person, not alien to passions: after all, I am not dispassionate and do the same as he, and sometimes even worse. I thank You, for You enlightened my heart and drove away my mind and the devil’s hostility from me. And now, Lord, grant me, sincerely, to love him, Metropolitan Isidore, after his death and to pray sincerely for the repose of his soul. September 14, 1992. You see the ingratitude of those who have been blessed by you with your incessant, long-lasting good deeds, and you are indignant at this and are indignant at the ungrateful, saying: how can you be so ungrateful and insensitive that you did not utter even one word of gratitude for all the good that I have done for them? Rest easy, beloved: this is a common sin in the world. How many great benefactors - like you - were paid for their benefits with the most black ingratitude! And what did the Lord Jesus Christ Himself, the greatest Benefactor and Savior of the human race, suffer from immensely blessed people? Leave the ungrateful and leave them to the judgment of God. Just remind them mysteriously, in a parable, that they forgot something very important and necessary with you and themselves, which would be very, very useful for them. Let them guess, solve this riddle, and don’t guess, God is with them, but don’t seek gratitude, don’t humiliate yourself by ingratiating yourself, be noble and exalted in your soul. You did your job for them, let them do theirs. God will reward you or has already rewarded you for them a long time ago. September 23. Belial-Satan does not cease to arouse in me hostility and anger towards the deceased Archpastor Isidore, towards whom I had no disposition and whom I feared and disgusted during his life for his severity and proud address, which did not allow a single heartfelt, affectionate word - it confuses, scorches, oppresses, darkens me; I repent sincerely, I condemn myself for these feelings, I blame myself for my dislike towards the ruler for his inhospitability and rudeness, for I myself sometimes treat my inferiors even worse due to my passion and rudeness; I pray to the Lord to change my heart, to forgive me, to overcome my hostility and bitterness and to give my heart meekness and kindness, and the Lord had mercy on me a thousand times both during the life of Bishop Isidore and after his death, for even after [his] death I became embittered with him many times from the memory of him. I will pray for the repose of his soul with love, as for myself, for he also did me a lot of good, voluntarily or unwittingly, did not persecute me, but contributed to my glory. Forgive us, Heavenly Father, our debts, just as we forgive our debtors [Matthew 6:12]. I am also guilty of secretly being annoyed by the praise of the deceased in newspapers and magazines. Oh, damn me! I myself have an unclean, evil, proud, rebellious, crafty, lazy heart for everything good, but I dare to condemn, despise, hate others - people a hundred times better than me! How can I trust my corrupted heart, which must be crucified, despised, which should not be trusted in anything, when it rushes towards everything bad: self-love, carnality, gluttony, pride, envy, impatience, irritation, malice, rancor, fornication, adultery, greed, hardness of heart, murmuring, despondency, impatience, jealousy, partiality, contemplation, deceit, laziness, fear and cowardice? Away with the old man, with all his deeds, the offspring of Belial! May I be a new man by the grace of Christ, to the glory of the name of God. You need to pray from the depths of your soul, bring repentance to the Lord from the depths of your soul, sigh from the depths of your soul, and not superficially, not externally, not coldly and insensitively. Bring your contrite and humble hearts to the Lord, ready for correction, renewal, leaving behind bad, dead deeds. October 3, 1892. What a suitable soil for demonic dreams is my heart, and how conveniently and quickly the tares of the passions of bitterness, hostility, resentment, anger, unclean thoughts and lusts, impatience, self-pity and vain self-sparing, laziness, delicacy, intemperance, disgust, murmuring, can grow on it, guile, hypocrisy, partiality, contemplation, disobedience, opposition, contempt, pride, envy, jealousy, gloating, vanity, greed, embarrassment and fear, false shame, cowardice, blasphemy, lies, untruth, deception, slander, condemnation, ridicule, negligence in a holy cause, negligence, haste, blasphemy! And what an abyss of God’s mercy opens up to us sinners when we sincerely recognize and repent of all these sins. Truly, no sins overcome God’s immeasurable love for mankind, and through repentance they are all cleansed! What an abyss of His mercy and power the Lord revealed in me today during and after the Liturgy during the communion of people (three thousand people) and after communion, when the devil cut off my heart with his malice against some! My hurt, my confusion, my distress from Belial were great, but through the prayer of repentance the Lord healed and cleansed me. Glory to Thee, Lord! October 6, 1892. The two main commandments of God's law: love the Lord your God with all your heart and your neighbor as yourself [Matthew 22:37,39, etc.]. Fulfillment of them leads a person to life and prosperity, temporary and eternal, but failure to fulfill them leads to misfortune in time and eternity. People are given a conscience and an inner feeling, or instinct, with the help of which they recognize everything and feel that the commandment of God is righteous, holy, and life-giving. What is the reason that most people do not fulfill - and I am the first - these God's commandments, so important and righteous and vital, and at the same time expose their spiritual, physical, natural life to thousands of dangers and misfortunes of all kinds? – There is a universal flatterer, the devil and Satan, who from the beginning deceived the first people with excessive love for the flesh and disdain for the godlike soul and the Divine life-giving commandment by the crime of the commandment not to eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil; with this addiction, or excessive love for the flesh, the devil extinguished the love for God, and in their hearts and in their flesh he himself took up residence, as in some stronghold or fortress, and declared war on God, created enmity against God in the souls and [bodies] of men and enmity in them to this day through all carnal passions: carnality, voluptuousness, voluptuousness, fornication, adultery, fornication, intemperance, greed, drunkenness, greed, stinginess, hardness of heart, envy, hatred (mostly because of earthly insignificant things), partiality; [through] earthly sciences with the exception of heartfelt knowledge about God and the soul, through a passion for spectacles, paintings, and so on. Obviously, the devil is trying with all his might to drive out from human hearts love for God and love for one’s neighbor, for his soul and for compassion for the needs of the flesh - love for the multi-passionate flesh, for the satisfaction of its dreamy, absurd, destructive passions, corruptible and godly passions, such as: greed, intemperance in food and drink, voluptuousness in various forms, fornication, adultery, contemplation, carnality and lust, fornication and other countless passions. Hence the commandment to the Christian: crucify the flesh with passions and lusts [Gal.5:24], hate your soul [Luke 14:26], in which hatred of God and neighbor is firmly nested, hate carnal sensuality, passion for earthly, transitory things. And the holy people of God, who possessed spiritual meaning, crucified themselves to the world and its passions, hated their sinful soul, their many-passionate flesh, and drove out the devil from their soul and flesh, and infused God into themselves, and became holy churches of God. October 7. Wednesday. Where carnal love, or contemplation and voluptuousness, begins, true love ends and enmity against God begins, and where carnal love ends and spiritual, true love, evangelical, begins, there love for God begins. The Lord has now revealed, during and especially after the liturgy at the end of the communion of the laity (one thousand five hundred or one thousand six hundred [people]), the abyss of His mercy and power, accepting my secret repentance for my contempt, for my embitterment and pride towards one lame girl (who lived with Peter Onufriev), who often came up to Holy [Communion] along with other meek pilgrims, and gave me forgiveness, resolution of sins, peace, freedom, spiritual strength, space and boldness before God and people. From now on, do not despise anyone, especially the poor, honor and love everyone. Glory and thanks to the all-merciful Lord! The devil, through our earthly and carnal lusts, cunningly and incessantly tries to completely dry up in the hearts of people the love for God, the only one who is most beloved and worthy of all love, and even to blot out the memory of Him in their souls and bind them to himself with all voluptuousness, all malice (sometimes for a plausible reason), all envy, pride, rancor, greed, lust, gluttony. Listen to yourselves, Christians, fight, fight unceasingly against the ruler of the darkness of this world, conquer by the grace and power of Christ. The Lord secretly or openly, in worship and prayer at home and in public, speaks to every person in his own language: to an infant and a youth, in accordance with their understanding, development, inclinations, to a young man - in his own, to a mature and old man - in his own language, to a woman and a maiden - in his own language, to the educated and the uneducated again in his own, to the king and the subject according to their position, to the rich and the poor in accordance with their condition, to the noble and the weak. - in their own way, but wisely, kindly, righteously for everyone, if these people want to listen and understand the verb of God, the verb of conscience, the verb of the phenomena of the world or church persons and events, the verb of troubles and sorrows, various misfortunes, diseases, the verb of heaven and earth, sea and land. October 10. Every day I corrupt myself with sin through pleasing the belly or partly the loins (carnal movements), or through contempt for someone, or grief, bitterness, anger, irritability, rancor, and the like, and every day the Lord performs in me, for the sake of my faith and repentance, tearful miracles of His goodness and power, miracles of rebirth, rebirth, renewal in the forgiveness and resolution of my sins, in overcoming demonic intrigues in me, in driving away from me death and corruption, sorrow and oppression, embarrassment, sinful shame and in the granting of peace, freedom, spiritual space, boldness and strength. Every day the Lord performs in me all sorts of miracles of His goodness and power by virtue of His redemptive passions and death for the world and for me, the damned, by the power of the heavenly, life-giving, all-saving and terrible Sacrifice of His Body and Blood - the Body broken for us, and the Blood shed and shed for us for the salvation of the world. I glorify my Lord, I glorify the all-saving, terrible Sacrifice of His most pure Body and Blood, I glorify His goodness, His long-suffering towards the sinful world and towards me, the most sinful of all. Oh, how great is the worldwide significance of the liturgy, celebrated daily in the Church with understanding, fear and love! How damned, pitiful, and poor the world would be without liturgy! And now, during the Liturgy, we are given all the riches of the Divine and deification, the riches and bounties of remission of sins, sanctification, renewal, quenching the righteous wrath of God upon us, the granting of all sorts of blessings: peace to the world, deliverance from various disasters of the Church and the Fatherland and their prosperity, wisdom, holiness, zeal of God to the Holy Synod and the entire consecrated council of the Orthodox Church, that is, to all pastors Church, wisdom, health and salvation and in all things prosperity to the king, synclit 43, chamber and army, good air and abundance of earthly fruits, family well-being, prosperity of sciences, arts, crafts, trade, multiplication of holy monasteries and 44 monastics, good direction of the spirit of educational institutions, all welfare and prosperity. Glory to the Lord! Glory to the Divine, magnificent liturgy! October 11, 1892. How little the nature of the body takes from the food and drink we use, and with what excess we take them every day! Why this excess, why this burden on the stomach, why this stinking burden? Why burden the heart and soul with this burden and extinguish in it the love for God and neighbor - for gluttony really extinguishes the love for God and makes a person earthly, a rude egoist, lazy, careless in prayer and in all good things. October 19, 1892. I thank the Lord, who also gave me this day, on which I was born and on which, through the giving of a name, I was included in the Holy Church. On the twentieth I was baptized and through this Sacrament of renewal and renewal, or rebirth, I am truly included in the heavenly Church (I am now sixty-three years old by God’s goodness). I thank the Lord for all the countless mercies that the Lord my God has surprised me with in the past years. Save, Lord, all the pious in the power of Your goodness, which overcomes every sin of fallen and continually falling man, all the malice of those who sincerely repent, for You are the only Lover of mankind, knowing the weakness of our nature. A person who sins in his mind is a rebel against God and an accomplice of the devil - the first apostate and rebel in the worldly Kingdom of God; a sinner perverts the wise, gracious, perfect, vital laws of the Creator of creation and is an absurd 30, proud, impudent, voluntary or involuntary madman. October 21. In sleepy despondency (after sleeping in the carriage), I gravely sinned before God and people, becoming very angry and irritated with one dishonest girl, a newcomer to Kronstadt, who wanted to be alone with me in order to repent of her sins that tormented her; For her persistence and persistence, I hit her in the face (on the nose) in great anger, and then began to confess to her in private. I repented and repent of this to the Lord, who leads everything, and I sincerely condemn myself. What would happen if I began to do this always with the sinners who come to me? What kind of shepherd am I? I am a selfish mercenary. November 30, 1892. For twenty-five years the left ear was relatively intact and healthy and no scrofulous matter flowed from it, but this year on November 29, a leak of scrofulous matter began to flow with pain in the ear and, I think, because I was several times in extremely damp new church buildings during their consecration, in extreme heat and stuffiness for several hours, and even from Lenten fish food, which develops scrofula: in posts, I always noticed a special play of scrofula or its development in my body, which is naturally scrofulous. Preserve, Lord, the remainder of the hearing of my name for the sake of Your holy one, and may I not be deaf for my sins, for I want to loudly glorify Your power and Your mercy and Your miracles in the world and in me, a sinner, and listen to the praise in Your churches. Most Holy Lady Theotokos, help me. I am weakening in strength from the outpouring of scrofulous matter. (There has been no outpouring of semen for a long time - the Lord protected from unclean discharge.) Phases of scrofula this year: pain in the teeth of the left jaw and its swelling with pain, heat in the left side of the head, sometimes impoverishment of the voice, impotence of the laryngeal organs, cough; atmospheric circumstances under which scrofula develops: unusual abundance of snow, thaw. December 4, 1892. Snares, the snares of the devil, are spread out everywhere to ensnare people into destruction, and people must know this and be careful, watchful, and doing good at all times. The time of doing, of exploits is real life - let no one sleep or be carried away by carnal passions. The holy saints of God rejected the sweets and all the beauty of this world and the glory of time, through this [they fought] against sin and the common enemy of the bodiless and struck down sin and its culprit, because the enemy fights and captivates us with the sting of the flesh, the sting of sweets and lust, wealth, honors, earthly beauty, at the same time alienating the soul from God, Who is the true sweetness, beauty, glory and wealth. Let us also imitate the saints, as those called by God to eternal life. December 4, 1892. December 18, 1892. The disembodied enemy severely chills me through anger towards my fellow readers, forcing me to find fault with every mistake they make, even with some infirmities of nature (involuntary coughing, variations in voice and the very singing of the reader Ivan Kiselyov with the singers). Strong struggle and fervent prayer are required to defeat the incorporeal enemy. And thank God: the Lord always prevailed and destroyed the anger of the enemy in me, and I calmed down. December 28. Sin is confusion and ruin of the spirit, a spiritual storm, stench, corruption and the work of corruption, falling away from life and incorruption, power for evil and powerlessness for good, shame, lawlessness and perversion of the limits of nature, ugliness, illness of the soul and destruction, insane fun and play with fire, corrupting the soul and body, alienation from God and assimilation with the devil - the source of all evil, deprivation of light, darkness, hellish cold and tartar, hellish fire, scorching and terribly tormenting, a never-ending worm and an unquenchable fire, the rebellion of the creature against the Creator and rebellion against the Creator, a fascinating charm that a graceless person cannot resist and slavishly serves it to his obvious detriment, shameful slavery, cowardice and fear, for the wicked flees when no one is chasing him [ Proverbs 28:1 ], the destruction of a legal natural union and the entry into an unnatural, lawless, absurd union, for a sinful person enters into an alliance with the devil, the source of all absurdity, madness - and is it possible to list all the harm from sin? It is an absurd attack on one’s own nature and the nature, honor, life and well-being of one’s neighbor, and so on, and so on, and so on. God, deliver from it every man created in Your image and likeness. New Year of the Lord's goodness 1893. I thank the Creator of centuries, who has given me this year according to His ineffable bounty and covered my sins. I thank the Lord for deliverance from all sorrows and misfortunes, especially those inflicted on me by the widow Elisaveta Khomutovskaya, who sought against me in court what I did not take from her, and who wanted no less than fifteen thousand from me. Thanks to Ivan Ivanovich, who stood up for me and removed her from the city with a formal court and put an end to the wrongful case. January 5, 1893. I often sin with anger and bitterness towards many women and beggars, poor boys and girls, who daily and repeatedly ask and demand a lot of alms. I often get angry and quarrel with them, scold and humiliate them. This is what happened last night with a tearful woman in Kudryavtsev’s house on Gospodskaya Street; This is what happened on the Baltic Railway train with one woman, Grigorovich (living in St. Petersburg on Nevsky, No. 164, Tomilova’s house in the courtyard). There is no fortune, but he wants to send his sick son to the Caucasus, hoping for salvation from the Caucasus, and not from God, and wanting to get a lot of money for nothing. Have mercy on me, Lord, who often gets angry, and give me patience, generosity and meekness. January 8. How much mercy from God, how many victories over my tormenting passions in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ I have seen and see constantly with the eyes of my heart during repentance and my prayer to Him - and I rejoice, and triumph, and glorify, and thank the Lord, who so wonderfully provides for me, unworthy and sinful, selfish, impatient, malicious, voluptuous and lazy. How should I love such a Benefactor, all-good, all-holy, all-righteous, all-powerful, all-perfect, incorruptible, eternal, beautiful, faithful in all His words? And how I must hate every sin and its culprit, the all-evil, nasty, all-evil, ugly, all-destructive, obscene, already defeated by the Cross of my Lord, His honorable passion and death, raised for us, and His glorious resurrection from the dead, which ended His glorious, all-righteous, all-redeeming earthly life, which imprinted all the words, commandments, vows, prophecies Him! January 12, 93. The New Year has come, and I remain an old sinner and a bitter sinner, with sick pride, disobedience to the lesser brethren, pride, arrogance, contempt, impatience, hostility, impatience, hard-heartedness, stinginess, greed, partiality, contemplation, gluttony, voluptuousness, voluptuousness, corruption, laziness, absent-mindedness. Here I must sincerely repent, change and acquire all the virtues that are contrary to the sins mentioned above. Until now, the faith of Christ has not penetrated into the depths of my heart and has not corrected my corrupted will and my crooked currents; Due to my negligence, I have not yet expelled many of my passions and they freely take root in me and on occasion act strongly in me, excite me, carry me away, for example, pride, contempt, anger, rage, pleasing myself and not my neighbor for the good (for example, I get angry when people who want my advice or guidance speak to me on a railway train, where I want to be left to myself, when I read a newspaper, that is, the vanity of the world this transitory), voluptuousness, voluptuousness, greed, false shame, shame of piety, partiality and others. Old kvass 45 still reigns in me - the kvass of passions, and not the leavenlessness of purity and truth; my three measures of torment - the three powers of the soul: mind, heart and will - have not yet been fermented by the fertile leaven that the Holy Church of Christ puts into me [cf. Matthew 13:33], and this is due to my negligence; the enemy has sowed his tares in abundance in my soul, and they choke out the wheat of goodness, of which there is already little in me due to my negligence. How much, much more I need to work in cultivating the field of my heart, in plucking out the weeds of my passions! Help, Lord: send the grace of Your Spirit, Lord, to me, the poor one. January 13. I condemn myself for every carnal lust as insane, as treasonous in relation to the Master and Lord, the sweetest Lord of life, Who alone is worthy of our holiest and most perfect desire and our purest, immaculate, spiritual love. Do we lust after decay? Is it weaknesses and powerlessness of the soul and body? Is sweetened poison deadly? Forgive us, Lord, give us understanding and confirm us in the love of You alone. February 2, 93. The essence of the human soul is holiness, which is shaken and wavered by sins and among the unrepentant can turn into complete depravity, while among the repentant it can be restored and renewed and strengthened by repentance, prayer, tears, sighs, fasting, communion of the Holy Mysteries, and acts of kindness. Therefore God says to us: Be holy, for holy am I the Lord your God [Lev.19:2]. Hallowed be Thy name [Matthew 6:9]. February 14, 1893. How many times daily has the Lord saved and continues to save me from every evil situation, from every sin, from every temptation of the enemy the devil - it’s too many to count. And this is all for the sake of a single faith in the sweetest name of the Lord and for the sake of my repentance. How saving is faith in Christ, how saving is repentance! How good the Lord is, long-suffering and abounding in mercy! What a pity for those people who live without faith in Christ, who do not have true repentance, who do not belong to the Holy Church of Christ and cannot use its gracious treasures and gifts of God’s mercy, the gifts of Christ’s merits. How we must pray to God for them, that He may lead them to the knowledge of Christ and to His Church! I thank You, for You have given me faith in You and for You have united me with Your Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church! The human soul is a rationally free force in its essence and, as such, must act continually in a good or evil direction and, while acting, be strengthened in one or the other, and, in accordance with the strength of action, experience bliss or torment according to an immutable law, because in God, as the source of good, lies the source of bliss, and in falling away from Him is the source of all evil. Thus, the spirits who fell from light into darkness from the source of goodness through pride and opposition to God lost all good and chose and acquired for themselves all evil and became the source of all evil and torment both for themselves and for other free beings, attracted by them in the opposite direction, that is, for people. Hence the need to stand in God and act in a good direction, with all our might to resist evil with the help of God’s almighty power, and thus strengthen ourselves in a good direction and action, and defeat the evil that nests in us and with all its might strengthens to take root and spread in us, to embrace us (darkness did not overcome it [John 1:5]), and thus to multiply in oneself goodness, the light of grace, and to multiply it in others, that is, in people living with us and united with us into one body of the Church, and in everyone else. Each of us has been given a job from God, very important and useful, necessary - to weed our own field of the heart, overgrown, like with bad herbs, with sinful thoughts, passions, habits, and inclinations that are destructive to the soul; Everyone is given work in his own vineyard, I mean in the soul, in which, along with fruitful grape trees, also fruitless, dry ones grow, that is, sins. Cleanse your heart field, every person every day from morning to evening, pay attention to yourself, fast, pray, fight the growing, intensifying thorns, work on fertilizing, cultivating your field, your rational garden, water it with tears of repentance, repent diligently, partake of life-giving food and drink - the Body and Blood of the Lord - and you will soon reap the sweet fruits of your labors: peace and breadth spirit, holy, sublime thoughts, like pure wheat. Our soul is like precious ore, gold or silver, from which we can extract a lot of pure gold or silver with good effort, diligence, and the ability to refine this ore. All ore is found in the ground, mixed with the ground - with ordinary, priceless, trampled under foot; it is necessary to smelt this ore and extract from it pure gold, or silver, or copper, platinum, lead, tin, iron. The Lord did not create in nature pure gold, silver or pure copper, cast iron, iron, tin, platinum or glass, crystal, precious stones, but all this is in the earth, mixed with ordinary earth. For what? In order for a person to find, work, work with his mind and hands and extract pure metals, or minerals, or precious stones and through this make his life working, useful, pleasant; and our soul and body were created at first pure, beautiful, fragrant, shining, but then, due to inattention, temptation, the temptation of sin, they darkened, became defiled, became corrupted, stank, became unworthy of God, Who created man in His own image and likeness, and were expelled from the paradise dwelling in order to make the earth, that is, how to cultivate their souls through the labors of repentance and tears, prayer, and to cultivate the land itself, its nurse, which has ceased to give its fruits freely to transgressors of God’s commandments. What a beautiful body Adam and Eve initially received from God, what a beautiful, majestic, church not made by hands, in which God Himself dwelt - I mean the human body, this beautiful tabernacle of God! And what has man made of himself through sin? A shameful vessel of passions - intemperance, drunkenness, fornication and all intemperance, malice, envy, deceit and others. Repentance. The meaning of words and deeds; repentance preached to all by John the Baptist; the severity of John's appeal to sinners: the name of the brood of vipers [Matthew 3:7; Luke 3:7 ]; John's heart science; the malice and deceit of the people of that time and especially the Pharisees; John's righteousness; Is it possible to invite people like that now? – Sometimes it’s possible, and sometimes it’s not: meekness of invocation; We ourselves, priests, are sinful people and do not have such boldness! Properties of repentance: awareness of the multitude and importance of sins, their destructiveness, contrition of the heart, desire for correction, renewal, struggle with sins, prayer for help from above; Christians are warriors; bloodless war, bloodless torment and the omnipotent help of God; the reward for victory over sins is the triumph of truth and holiness. A small number of those who fight, a multitude of those overcome by sin and perishing; many are called, few are chosen [Matthew 20:16;22:14]; The Kingdom of Heaven is in need [Matthew 11:12; Luke 16:16 ], and sin plagues everyone. Without struggle there is no repentance and correction. The inevitability of eternal torment for sins, the necessity of hell and all and all torments according to the degree of sins and wickedness; the torment of the Savior, [suffered] for sinners, as proof of the eternity of torment for the unbelievers and unrepentant; different names for hellish torment; the rich man in hell as an example of eternity of torment - Lazarus as an example of eternal peace and bliss for those suffering here without complaint and those who repent. February 27. I thank the Lord for countless salvation from many of my passions in the past week, especially from anger and bitterness and beating with my hand in anger (I hit Paraskeva in the face in Kudryavtsev’s house, who was not angry with me, but asked me for forgiveness) and the lusts of the evil ones. I thank the Lord, who was pleased with those who begged me to be a sinner and had mercy on me, the accursed one. He performed the general confession at ten o'clock in the evening by grace with an outpouring of word and feeling. What is repentance here? Preparation for a good response at the Last World Judgment of Christ. In order to give a good answer at the future Judgment, we must give ourselves and our confessor an account of our lives and, before that Judgment, judge ourselves with all severity here, so that by carefully examining and revising all our thoughts, desires, desires, passions, intentions, words, actions, we must give ourselves a real assessment, and correct ourselves from all vain thoughts and evil lusts, and create every virtue, achieve correction and holiness, and bear fruit to the Lord. repentance. The royal review of the troops and royal thanks - inspection of the whole world from the Lord on the last day, and Judgment for all, and eternal salvation for everyone who pleased God; or an audit of the youth being educated and educators and all the business and property of state and royal institutions - and an audit of the entirety of the Church being educated on earth, or of Orthodox and non-Orthodox Christians who are being educated and educated for God and the Kingdom of Heaven and of all non-Christians, of all peoples, faithful and infidel. In the present educational, preparatory time, a time of struggle and exploits, according to God’s intention, the sinful man is forged with troubles, illness, humiliation, sorrow, loss and deprivation; through them a true man and a Christian are developed, a new man, a new creation. A person in a present damaged, fallen state is completely darkened by sin: in all his powers and feelings, in his mind, senses, or heart, and in his will, which has especially received and has a wrong direction, disastrous, often insane. Man in a fallen state has become an ignoramus, a savage, a beast running from his former paradise home, looking, so to speak, into the forest: home is the Church, the forest is this world. Look and remember with what deeds, prayers, troubles, torments, illnesses, deprivations, fasting, vigils, persecutions, the holy saints of God achieved holiness and the Kingdom of Heaven: the apostles, prophets, martyrs, saints, saints, fools for Christ's sake, the righteous and all the saints. Imitate. March 14. A person who has fallen from holiness and truth into sin and countless passions, into all wickedness, restored by the grace of Christ again to the primitive state of righteousness, is forged and forged, or, like gold, burned and polished by the hammers of illnesses, sorrows, losses and deprivations sent from God, persecution from demons and from people, torment or unceasing prayer, vigil, abstinence, labors, obedience, various good deeds performed for the salvation of the soul. Lutherans and Anglicans call themselves Evangelicals as if to reproach us, the Orthodox, who accept, in addition to the Gospel, or the true revelation of God, the Holy Tradition on a par with Scripture, but they call themselves so completely unfairly, because they do not take on faith the most important thing in the Gospel - the words of the Savior about the transformation of bread into the most pure Body and wine into the most pure Blood of Christ [Matthew 26:26-28 and etc.]. Christ God came to earth and perfectly fulfilled God's vision for the salvation of the human race through His teaching, suffering and death for the human race and for the renewal of human nature corrupted by sin He gave believers His most pure Body and His most honest Blood for food and drink, but Protestants and Reformed people say: no, this is not the Body and this is not His Blood, but bread and wine, and the Body of Christ only touches the bread in some way, which remains bread, just as wine remains wine, or that this bread and wine are only symbols, signs of the Body and Blood of Christ, and the Body of Christ itself is only in heaven. Oh, human superstition! Oh, disbelief in faith! Oh, the distortion of all Christianity! Oh, heresy! Oh, destruction! Oh, the pitiful deprivation of the Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ! Oh, terrible anathema to all Protestantism and Reformation. They speak blasphemy against the Holy Spirit, they oppose His works, they do not recognize His true works as truth - and they dare to call themselves evangelical Christians! Oh, depraved mind, blinded mind! Devilish mind! What kind of faith can teach the greatest art in the world to defeat sin and its culprit - the devil, the original murderer and evil-wise destroyer of the human race, except the true, Orthodox faith? What kind of faith can provide all the means and strength for victory over the world, the flesh and the devil? – One faith is true, Orthodox. For five thousand and a half years, the devil destroyed the human race with his lies, extreme flattery and all kinds of deception, especially the deception of idolatry, and no one could get rid of him except the righteous of the Old Testament - the patriarchs and prophets and the righteous few, the servants of the true faith [under the law]. The Son of God Himself had to come to earth to proclaim the truth, to fulfill all righteousness and to suffer - the Righteous for the unjust, in order to make it possible to fulfill the righteousness of God with His help and grace with the true faith He embodied in the Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church, and the papists and Protestants distorted the God-given faith, distorted the truth of the Gospel and thereby deprived themselves and the believers of the grace of salvation, reproached the Spirit The Holy Spirit of truth, and they began to teach falsely about Him Himself, allegedly emanating from the Son of God from eternity. And by whom are we saved, if not by the Holy Spirit, the grace of Christ God and the good will of God the Father? Oh, how truly spiritual wisdom should be in a Christian, the teaching is completely immaculate, holistic, just as life is immaculate, integral 46! Both must be Orthodox. Tell me what kind of faith, other than the Orthodox, could bring a person to perfection, to holiness? - None, except Orthodox. The conclusion from here is clear: salvation is only in the Orthodox Church, for only a person who rightly philosophizes in faith and lives rightly can defeat the enemy-murderer, this ancient serpent, wise for all evil, and not rightly philosophizes and cannot live rightly and holy, as one who does not have the right faith, and cannot be saved without having the full armor of the right faith, for false philosophizing and confession deprives the soul of grace, for what communion of truth with lawlessness, the faithful with the unfaithful [2 Cor. 6:14–15]? The Lord is a wonderful, beautiful, wise, omnipotent Artist, Creator, Creator of creatures, who created everything wisely, from the stars to the grass and the insignificant insect. But most beautifully, most artistically, wisely, he created man in soul and body: in a beautiful, slender body, like a majestic palm tree, lies an immortal soul, in the image and likeness of God; it adorns the entire physical church, intended to be the church of the Divine. The Creator gave man, as gifted with reason and free will, His laws, wise, vital, perfect, which man freely had to fulfill to strengthen and improve himself and to increase his bliss, in order to increase the talents given by the Creator for his own good. But what has man done and is doing to himself? He perverts, disfigures himself, disfigures himself, desecrates the image of God, curses the Creator, himself, and becomes like God’s worst enemy, who has distorted himself entirely—the devil, rejected from God. But God, in His immeasurable mercy, gave man repentance, and he can [stand up], correct himself, cleanse himself, renew himself, and shine. March 20. Friday of the Sixth Week of Lent. Lord, grant me a strong word for confessors and communicants. Collect in my mind, as if in a focus, all the words from the Gospel related to this. The parable of the seed and the tares [Matthew 13:24–30]. The parable of the sower and the seed [Matthew 13:3–23], the many who are called and the few who are chosen [Matthew 22:2–14]. Work hard for a while and rejoice forever. Lust. The enemy strives to overcome the holy desire and lust of God - with sinful, carnal, worldly lust. Through carnal, vain lust, it drives out the love of God, holy, heavenly, from the hearts of Christians and nails them to the ground, through malice it drives out the goodness of the heart, or the goodness of God, through hardness of heart - mercy, and thus reigns in the hearts of inattentive, passionate, careless people, and in me, the accursed. Therefore, [keep] attention [to] yourself, brothers and sisters, so as not to give room for the enemy to reign in your hearts through worldly, carnal and spiritual passions. Let the lamps of your souls burn with faith and love, repentance and charity. The enemy never sleeps and never sleeps, but we sleep and sleep. While the people were sleeping, the enemy came... [Matthew 13:25]. Why does the ethereal enemy, with extreme effort and violence, direct the desires of men and women towards the reproductive and reproductive members of the body? Because through this lust [inappropriate], immoderate, lawless, absurd, he corrupts the soul and body, defiles, removes man from God, from His love, the only all-desired, incorruptible and desecrating us through frequent communication with Himself in the Holy Mysteries; It is precisely the existential members that he attacks with [our] extreme lusts, trying to corrupt and defile us at the very source of our being, or to prevent legitimate childbearing, to kill humanity in the very seed and embryo. This is the cunning of the evil enemy regarding the male and female sexes, therefore it is necessary to despise carnal pleasures and not be captivated by the beauty of the face, eyes and eyelids 47 and in general crucify your flesh with passions and lusts, not to inflame the passions of the flesh in excess with pleasant foods and wines and other drinks, but to adhere to moderation in everything, to pray in the spirit at all times and not to live idlely, but to work physically and spiritually. The enemy tries to drive out of us the love of God and our neighbor with absurd carnal love, or love for the world and its perishable goods, for wealth, luxury, earthly honors, all kinds of pleasures, feasts, games, amusements, or for excessive clothes and decorations, statues and paintings that excite carnal lusts. From the repetition of sins and passions and vices by someone, the soul of that person becomes more and more weakened, more and more seduced by sin, loses peace, freedom, courage, noble, high impulses characteristic of the human soul, created in the image of God, and falls more and more into sensuality, into corruption, blindness and shame. We see examples of this in intemperate people, in drunkards, fornicators and harlots, in gamblers and gamblers in general, in stingy and selfish people, especially in Judas the traitor, who, captivated more and more day by day by the passion of the love of money, finally could no longer resist it and the priceless Lord, the greatest Benefactor and Wonderworker, sold a slave for an insignificant price - for thirty pieces of silver Hence the need for every person to fight with all his might against passion at its very beginning and eradicate it; when it becomes stronger from habit and repetition, then it is either difficult or sometimes impossible to overcome it, and it becomes the cause of all torment and shame of the soul. The Lord, as our Hero and Leader, looks from the heights of heaven at all people, especially at His followers - Christians, and looks at who strives against sin or does not struggle at all, but is carried away by its wickedness and delusion. In the struggle against any sin, the soul strengthens in its strength, is enlightened, enlivened, triumphs in victory and rejoices in the Lord, its Savior, but the weak, unfaithful, cowardly, fearful soul, which does not fight, weakens more and more and is darkened, put to shame, and subjected to despondency. Man lives to fight in this world: he is a warrior of Christ, a fighter, a winner or a vanquished, a follower of Christ or a slave of the devil. What is needed is an unceasing skillful struggle, unceasing vigilance over oneself, over one’s thoughts and feelings, unceasing secret prayer, unceasing repentance due to incessant and all kinds of sins. A Christian, who has a constant enemy in his own flesh and in his corrupted soul, must crucify his flesh with passions and lusts, that is, his old man, and through this revive a new one, renewed in the image of his Creator [Col. 3:10]. From March 25 to 26 (from the Annunciation to Great Friday) I had the good fortune to see in a dream my mother lying in a coffin, which was half-open, I don’t know in what place, just on top of the ground, as if calmly sleeping and ready to awaken; I kissed her forehead lovingly; one arm was thrown back, as if sleeping. I thank You, Lord, for You showed me my mother in a dream, not seen in a dream for so long; about twenty years ago I also saw her in a dream, in a garden, as if in a seminary. Now I believe that she is well with You, O Lord, and that she rests in the land of the living. Glory to You! If the truth of God, the Heavenly Father, did this to the green tree (the righteous Christ), then what will happen to the dry tree (to unrepentant sinners) [Luke 23:31]? And if the righteous are barely saved, then where will the wicked and sinful appear? [ 1 Peter 4:18 ]. What remains... is a certain terrible expectation of judgment and the fury of fire that wants to consume the enemies of God [Heb.10:27]! Sin perverts the wise order of God in creatures, the order established for their benefit and joy, bliss, and causes rebellion, corruption, suffering to all creatures, and temporary and eternal separation from God to rational creatures. Terrible, absurd evil - sin! An Orthodox Christian must believe and live in such a way that he recognizes and feels himself to be a living, blessed member of the Church of Christ on earth, close to God, to the Mother of God, to all the blessed angelic powers, to all the saints of the Old and New Testaments and to all living, striving and non-striving members of the Church of God on earth, so that his heart beats joyfully at the name of God and His saints and the entire state of the 48 Church, the whole the fullness of the Church. (First day of Easter.) The dying of any part of the body, for example a finger or a small part of it (from inflammation and abscess, sometimes with much rotting), is painful, but when it dies and decays painfully, then new flesh and skin are formed that are very tender, healthy and flourishing. And that part is completely renewed, and the whole member and body becomes light, easy. Likewise, dying (a pre-death illness) and illness of the entire human body are often very painful and severe, but when the body dies and is completely decomposed into its component elements, then it contains the beginnings of renewal and rebirth, according to the wise dispensation of God, and at the time determined by the Creator, according to the word of God, it will be arranged into a new spiritual body together with the soul, and an incorruptible and spiritual body will arise, in which a good Christian it will be easy and fun. Glory to the Lord for this! Crucify your self-love daily, or the whole old man, who is smoldering in deceitful lusts [Eph.4:22], and do not be upset, do not be irritated, do not lose heart when, for example, your boss or father treats you harshly and strictly, or someone else who neglects and despises you, or even when they deprive you of something pleasant or dear to you, but humble yourself and rejoice in all circumstances contrary to your flesh, mortify your passions, endure what is unpleasant for your many-passionate flesh, through your passions warring against the Creator Himself and your own soul and attracting it to everything that is contrary to the will of God and your purpose, or the temporary and eternal goal indicated to you by God. Thus, crucify the lusts of the flesh: voluptuousness, gluttony, or delicacy, gluttony, drunkenness, covetousness, greed, hard-heartedness, laziness, disobedience, impatience, murmuring, that is, do the opposite to them, not in the least pleasing the wants and desires of the flesh, go against the flow, fight, be strong, believe, trust in God, diligently call on His grace to help, remember the eternal rewards of those who strive and overcome. To him who overcomes I will give to sit with Me on My throne [Rev.3:21]. March 29. Second day of Easter. God! Having created everything wisely, purely, unblemished, wholesomely, beautifully, give me the grace to look unblemishedly, purely, with good intentions at all Your creations and not to abuse them with a single thought that is unchaste, unclean, lustful, inconsistent with Your wise and good intentions. Wake up. May these words, most pure Lord, be fulfilled by deeds and may I always please You with a pure heart, loving You alone more than everyone else and everyone’s neighbor as myself, may my heart embrace the pure love of everyone, more than those close to me in the faith, and may it not be unclean, selfish, blind, voluptuous, closed and confined in a narrow circle of self-love and self-indulgence. How do you look at the existential members of animal animate nature, especially rational nature? Is it with due reverence and purity, without any guile or lust, with thanksgiving to the most pure and all-good Creator, who has given us the entrances and exits of earthly, and at the same time heavenly, existence? If so, good for you and glory to the Creator, if not, sin and dishonor for you, abusing the greatest good of the Creator and angering Him with abuse and perverting His most pure, good and wise intentions and orders in creation. Recognize your ever-present cunning, madness, your passion, your carnal unbridledness, and henceforth do not defile your soul and body with any evil thought. Honor all the works of Divine hands with honor, 50 for the Lord has created all things with wisdom [Ps. 103:24]. April 1, 1893. God is in the midst of it, and does not move [Ps.45:6]. Always have God in your heart and you will not sin. Every day the Lord performs miracles of mercy and salvation in me from sins and passions for the sake of secret repentance and calling on His holy name with faith and hope. Glory to the Lord for this every day and hour. April 5. Monday of St. Thomas Week. On Sunday of St. Thomas's week, while in St. Petersburg, I allowed myself, greedy for food and drink, to eat and drink with good friends (but not wine), especially meat food, and this excess bitterly echoed in me the next day during the service of the liturgy: demons attacked me at the most important time of mass with secret anger at the sexton Ivan Kiselev for singing with the singers, leaving their place on the choir, and so relaxed my soul, cooled it towards God and people, that I could even quit the service; There was a heavy spiritual agony in me especially, I think, from the presence of one demoniac, in whom there were many [main] evil spirits operating in Judas (they themselves called themselves Judas), and with barely secret repentance and prayer I overcame them. It should be noted that causeless hostility towards sextons, discontent, pride and contempt grow in the soul gradually, and pickiness towards the slightest faults (instead of condescension and protection) grows more and more from dislike and enmity, and every step, every mine in their face becomes unbearable. Oh, how every sin, every evil grows in us! Instead of blaming himself for the depravity of his heart and humble himself before God and people, a passionate person places all the blame on other, often completely innocent people, and presses them, oppresses them, scolds them for mere trifles. Also, disembodied enemies extremely confuse and disturb me when I am invited to the sick with the Holy Mysteries for communion, when it would be necessary to eagerly and joyfully rush with this spiritual help, with this greatest gift of God to people. Oh, selfishness! You must crucify him, you must kill him within yourself in order to live for God and your neighbors! Help, Lord! Without You I can do nothing [John 15:5]. She is 51. April 8. Wednesday of St. Thomas Week. I thank the Lord for His countless mercies of kindness, long-suffering and strength, revealed to me as a sinner for the sake of faith and secret repentance, when I stumble and fall before Him in my heart and thoughts. I am very tired of the cursed demons in the servant of God Alexandra, the demon-possessed (at Shlyapnikova), I am exhausted with them, the cursed ones. When will you marry them, Lord?! April 26, 93. I strongly blame myself for the fact that I am disobedient and angry towards those parishioners who often invite me to their sick for communion of the Holy Mysteries. This comes from pride and pride, because of my selfishness, as I think, so that I can quickly go to St. Petersburg or other cities in order to please rich and [...] people, leaving my God-given parish and my parishioners. So I very much insulted the poor Maria Vasilievna and her sick mother, who wanted to receive communion quite often due to illness. I repent of this and pray to the Lord to change my heart and my money-loving disposition. May 22, 93. One woman on a St. Petersburg ship sailing from Kronstadt told me a dream in which she was told by an Angel that I was in a children's paradise (giving communion to children), and not in general. This means that, through the intercession of the holy Angels assigned to keep the children, the Lord will accept me into their paradise. Glory to the Lord! April 29. Regarding Olga A. Schauman’s invitation to give communion to her sick son Peter (a university student), I, a sinner, proud, selfish, passionate, became indignant and angry, as if because I often called to this sick person (and others) with the Holy Mysteries; That’s why I was angry because I fell away from the love of the Gospel and succumbed to various passions, and for that I fell into what hellish fire in my soul and body! Yes, I am angry at the lack of parishioners because I have to rush to the newcomers and collect more money for myself (albeit for the poor) in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg. And this happens almost always. And Christ came to earth precisely to the poor and sick in order to save them, and the Apostle says: We, the strong, must endure the weaknesses of the powerless and not please ourselves [Rom. 15:1]. I bitterly condemn myself and mourn for my sinful passions, which have taken root and strengthened over time and undermine my spiritual life. From now on, Lord, grant that with joy, with willingness and zeal, with humility, we hasten with the Holy Mysteries to the sick, for the Kingdom of Heaven has come near [Matthew 3:2], and keep away self-interest, keep your hands off. Otherwise, I am glad to receive various gifts, and to please the evil flesh in every possible way, and not to look at the works of God and diligently carry them out. Henceforth, with joy, let me hasten with the Holy Gifts to the sick, especially the poor and sick, even if they were often invited. (Written on the front page of the Service Book.) On December 12 (five years ago), the seven-year-old baby Demetrius saw the Angel of the Lord serving me on the right side of the altar (the day of my ordination as a priest). Significant. I thank the Lord. May 15, 93. Justice of the peace from [Smolensk] Alexander Semenovich Konopitsky told me an extraordinary dream, during which he clearly saw both a terrifying hell with Satan, and a bright, delightful paradise with Christ, the devil’s snares everywhere and the abyss of our sins. The Lord’s command is to cry out: “Lord, have mercy on me and have mercy on me.” The command regarding the choir of singers is to come to me for advice and prayer. Today I had a sick girl from St. Petersburg who prayed to the Mother of God for healing, and she was told to come to me and ask me to pray for her, and she would be healed. Glory to Thee, Lord! May 24, 93 I thank the Lord for the great and rich mercy that delivered me from the great sorrow and distress that befell me for my anger and rage at the servant of God Theodosius [U...], whom I hit on the cheek for her annoying demands on myself. Glory to Your bounty, Lord! Answer to the words of His Grace Theophan 52, who imagined that I was merging the Hypostases of the Holy Trinity or that I was dividing nature. He thinks that I have fallen into this final misfortune - the division of the being, or nature of God. Nothing more than a typographical error (printed: “with the unity of beings” instead of “creatures”). August 13, 93 I thank You, Lord my God, long-suffering and abundantly merciful, that every day you perform in my soul and body miracles of mercy, miracles of deliverance and Your power, Your kindness to me, many-passionate, saving me from all passions: despondency, ill-will, fornication, demonic envy and from all sin, favoring to my humble prayers and to my secret repentance. I thank You for the wonderful gifts of many different healings that are revealed in those who believe in You and call upon Your great and wondrous and glorious name through my unworthiness. I thank You, for by Your grace Your people, bearing Your name, are drawn to me irresistibly and in great numbers everywhere, which is a sign of Your great grace in me from frequent service to You and partaking of Your Holy, life-giving Mysteries. I thank You for Your glory given to me in Your name, and for the outpouring of Your material gifts to me through Your people devoted to You. Lutherans and Anglicans. Why don’t you bow down, bow down before God, before the Mother of God, before the holy saints of God - these animated churches of God, before these friends of Him - and proudly hold up your iron neck 53 and your head? Do you bow before artists and performers, famous artists, brave warriors and military leaders, before famous writers, doctors, before female beauty or female intelligence, but don’t you want to bow before the true celebrity, the eternal celebrity of the inhabitants of heaven, before their shrine, faithfulness to God in all His commandments during your life on earth, before their incorruptible beauty? It's pointless, ignorant, ungrateful. Humble your proud necks and bow your heads before them, so that they too will bow to your prayers when you call on them with faith, with all your soul and all your heart. I confess the countless mercies and grace-filled powers given secretly from the Lord to my soul and body every day through my secret or open prayer, especially for the mercy of having mercy on me, a sinner, for the gift of secret repentance and cleansing of sins, [for] the repose of my soul, strengthening it with grace and selflessness and [not] flogging it to various passions that are suffocating, weakening and darkening and in those who plunge into misfortune, shame and distress; for the gift of boldness before God and people, for good deeds done by me by His grace, for the gifts of healing in people, through my prayer or through their faith in the Lord and trust in me, to my prayers in them. August 19, 1893. How many times does the Lord save me daily through secret prayer of repentance from my secret or obvious falls into sin: from hostility, bitterness, irritation, dislike of heart towards some, disobedience, rebellion, from fornication! How long-suffering and abundantly merciful is the Lord towards me and how righteous and true, constantly seeking from me purity and holiness in all my thoughts and feelings and punishing me for every sin! How quickly He obeys me and is quick to deliver! How miraculous and powerful is the name of His power! How good it is for me to be with the Lord and do His will! But how charming, seductive, impetuous, and captivating sin is! What attention is always needed, what resistance, constant struggle, prayer to the Lord for intercession, strengthening, salvation! Listen to yourself, man! August 29, 1893. Sunday and Beheading of the Forerunner. I thank the Lord, who saves me many times every day through His holy name, which I call upon with faith in repentance and apply to my heart. The great, all-conquering power lies in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, always triumphing over my invisible enemies and passions and driving them away. May all people know this sovereign power of the name of the Lord, and may it be their eternal salvation, deliverance from sins and all sorts of troubles, the pacification of their souls, troubled by the enemy’s attacks and passions. Oh, how pitiful are those brothers and sisters who have not yet learned to sincerely believe in the Lord and with all their hearts, with firm hope, call on Him and be saved by Him! They do not have the most faithful Helper, Intercessor, Deliverer, the most faithful spiritual medicine, the ever-conquering weapon 54 . May all people and nations from the east of the sun to the west know You, all-holy Lord Jesus, and may they be saved by You. Hey, amen. August 30. If you do not get irritated with your neighbor who asks you for alms, small or large, material or spiritual or intercessory, even if he comes to you often, even if you have many people asking for mercy, and you maintain a meek and calm disposition of spirit and show him mercy and condescension, then it means that you love your neighbor and have renounced low pride, selfishness, and if you get irritated, you come out of yourself, then you are a low self-lover and have not yet crucified your flesh with its passions and lusts. Priests are the bearers of the work of Christ, His power, the work of reconciliation of people with God, their restoration, sonhood, or son-creation, enlightenment, sanctification, renewal, deification. The priest’s face is great, his work is great, and he is worthy of great love for his work. We ask you... to honor the priests primarily with love for their work, says the Apostle Paul to the believers [1 Thess. 5:13]. At night, do not eat or drink at home or at a party, and in every possible way avoid excess in food and drink and do not give unnecessary work to your body; otherwise, you will deprive yourself of vigor, health and lightness and you will not have a good, strong, restful sleep. August 31, 1893 A wonderful, majestic, divine service on earth - the liturgy, this is a memorial and fulfilling, grateful, mysterious service to the Lord God. Not only earthly clergy and clergy take part in it, but also the heavenly ranks of Angels and all the holy saints of God living in heaven, and our dead or the underworld receive benefit from it 55 (in it every knee worships the Lord Almighty of heaven, earth and the underworld [ Phil. 2:10 ]), as can be seen from the very content of the liturgy and its preliminary parts - proskomedia. Therefore, the Liturgy should be performed with special attention, reverence, love and gratitude to the Lord, who established and established on earth such a common, harmonious, all-saving service. (...This prayer is common and consonant with the one who bestowed upon us - the prayer at the beginning of the Liturgy 56. Now the Heavenly Powers serve with us invisibly... 57) The benefits of the liturgy, performed with reverent attention, are immeasurable not only for the entire Orthodox Church, but also for the entire universe, for all people of all faiths and confessions, for the Bloodless Sacrifice and prayers are offered to the Lord and for the entire universe; Because of the celebration of the Liturgy, the Lord is long-suffering to the whole world and has mercy on the whole world, giving it an abundance of earthly fruits, urban successes, successes in the sciences, arts, agriculture, households, having mercy not only on people, but also on animals that serve man. Oh, wonderful liturgy, universal liturgy, Divine and idolizing liturgy! Oh, a sign and demonstration of God’s immeasurable love for the sinful world, perishing in sins! For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life [John 3:16]. And I, a great sinner, owe all the days of my prosperous life only to the liturgy, which intercedes daily for me with the unutterable sighs of the Holy Spirit [Rom. 8:26]. Amen. September 9, 1893. Sin is so unnatural and absurd that it intensifies everything that is true, pure, righteous, truly existing, permanent, eternal, incorruptible, blessed, peaceful and wise, to pervert, distort (in earthly creatures), to present existing things as non-existent (in our thoughts and imagination), to present the holy, righteous, most pure in a perverted form, to blaspheme, and therefore everyone sin, no matter how pleasant it may appear, must be a thousand times disgusting, hateful, and everything that is true, righteous, holy, pure, incorruptible, which it attacks, must be irrevocably, firmly, immutably loved by us. So the saints fought until death against sin and suffered until death for God’s law, God’s truth, holiness, for everything that is true, holy, and righteous. Sin is so absurd, unnatural, stupid that even the Lord and the Mother of God and all of heaven, everything that is holy, pure, simple, venerable by nature, dares to slander and blaspheme; and therefore may there be an end to it, and may the faithful fight it to the end and win completely in all its forms and dreams, and may the Lord be glorified forever, like all His saints, all His eternal truth. The Lord worked in me on September 7, while traveling in St. Petersburg to visit the sick, a wonderful salvation, when I became indignant, gave in to impatience, annoyance and murmuring on the occasion of long journeys to remote country places (with Euphrosyne Nikolaevna Prokofieva) and then repented from the bottom of my heart, asking the Lord for forgiveness; The Lord turned death into life, confusion into peace, cramped space into space, despondency into boldness, darkness into light. Glory to the Lord! Sin has so deeply and incurably struck the nature of man and infected his entire being that without the special, miraculous, supernatural grace of truly Christian teaching, the Sacraments and enlightening pastoral guidance, it is impossible for anyone to get rid of it, to stand in Orthodoxy and virtue, to be pleasing to the all-holy and righteous Lord and to be saved by inheriting the Kingdom of Heaven, the Kingdom of holiness, truth, righteousness and incorruptibility. Therefore, it is necessary for those who desire salvation to remain in the unity of the Orthodox Church, which contains true, intact, right Christian teaching and all the Sacraments and true, correct, pastoral leadership in the spirit of the holy apostles and holy fathers. The corrupted Roman Catholic and Protestant teachings and other false teachings do not possess the true, saving grace of God (with damaged Sacraments and damaged shepherding, and among Lutherans even without shepherding). Therefore, for salvation, it is necessary to turn from human confessions damaged by incorrect wisdom to the true Orthodox confession of faith. September 10, 1893. September 10, 1893. Half past two in the morning. How many times have I repented of eating late at night (at eleven o’clock), and today, or yesterday, September 9 (two or three hours ago), I again ate a quick fish pie and drank sweet tea. Then I walked in the yard in the fresh air to let the food settle down and boil down. So what? I couldn’t sleep for a long time, although I ate little, and got up twice. Then he lay down, fell asleep and - ugh, what disgusting! - I see a dream, an unclean dream, and I was almost defiled by nocturnal voluptuousness, but I was very close to it through passionate touch. He woke up, soon got up and began to pray - to read prayers against defilement. Oh, God forbid, never eat anything at night and never drink sweet tea, which takes away sleep. How many times every day does the Lord deliver me through secret repentant prayer from various sins of my old man: from anger, hostility, malice, envy, pride, contempt for our neighbors, inferior or equal, or even superior to us, or from absurd, mocking, disgusting, seductive ideas regarding them! Oh, how deeply my heart is corrupted by sins and how little or no care I have for its correction, cleansing, sanctification, spiritualization, enlightenment, and strengthening! How I constantly contradict myself and do not what I want, but what I would not want [Rom. 7:15]! How devoted I am to the voluptuousness of the flesh, making friends with it, indulging it, cherishing it, instead of mercilessly crucifying it, enmity against it, hostile to God and my soul and friendly to the devil, the doer of his will and lusts! O my damned heart! O my accursed flesh, all-passionate, god-hating! When will I crucify you, devil? The devil's pleaser? When will I despise all the pleasures of the flesh and love abstinence and self-sacrifice? Help, Lord! September 11, 93. What experiences of God’s mercy and the invincible power of goodness over our malice do I receive every day from the Lord through the prayer of faith and my repentance, so many - it is impossible to count them by their multitude: both in church and in Christian homes, and on a ship and locomotive, and riding on horses! Today in church, during the service of Matins and Liturgy, I was saved several times by the Lord by touching the Holy Altar with faith from the devil’s malice, and at the end of the communion of my spiritual children, numbering more than five thousand people, I began to get angry and show impatience and haste in teaching the Holy Mysteries and carelessness towards such a great, holy, heavenly, life-giving Sacrament, hastening to finish and drive around to the houses of visitors in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg in order to collect more money for the poor and for myself - and so I began to feel in my soul the thorns of sin, the scorching fire, the unbearable tightness, shame, confusion, and with all my heart I secretly cried out to the Lord in repentance for mercy - and was honored with forgiveness, and peace, and freedom. I thank the Lord, who always saves me quickly for my repentance. Moral teaching for me: never be burdened by the work of God, but carry it out calmly and joyfully, no matter how long it lasts, for it pleases God and brings the greatest benefit to believers and communicants of the Holy Mysteries. There is no higher, holier, more useful, more fruitful work than the work of communion of the Holy Mysteries by believers, and nothing pleases the Lord so much as the diligent, reverent communion of the Mysteries of Orthodox Christians from a priest. For Who is the teacher? - God Himself. Who are the acceptors? – His members, His uds, of His flesh and of His bones [Eph.5:30]: through communion they become partakers of the Divine nature [2 Pet.1:4]. Glory to the Lord, who has given such an honor to the priests - to make a human being, corrupted by sin and renewed so blissfully, so wonderfully and fearfully, as a partaker of the Divine nature, in the communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ. September 12, 93. Sunday. “The Lord knows those who are His”; and: “Let everyone who confesses the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness” [2 Timothy 2:19]. The Lord knew you in countless salvation and innumerable miracles, and you knew His real life, sweetness, peace, joy, strength and strength - therefore, completely retreat from all unrighteousness and do all righteousness, having loved the Lord with all your heart and hating all unrighteousness. Amen. 13. Arriving at the church for the all-night vigil and feeling in my heart coldness, dryness, laziness and immobility to fervent prayer, fruitful, pleasing to God, I grieved and turned to God with repentance and a prayer to grant me hot prayer, and now, realizing the sinfulness, poverty and immobility (at times) of my nature and in general human nature to sincere prayer, I shed tears of tenderness, and my heart flared up. fire of the Holy Spirit. I calmed down, perked up, and was comforted. This is the betrayal (change) of the right hand of the Most High [Ps.76:11]. 18. The sign of the cross must always be depicted on oneself with faith and heartfelt attention and zeal: under this condition, it will always have saving, life-giving power. 13–18. How many times these days has the Lord performed miracles of deliverance and salvation in me from sins and all-evil and all-evil invisible enemies through the prayer of secret repentance! I called on the Lord with faith in repentance, and He delivered me and gave me His good yoke: I received space, peace, freedom. Glory to the Lord, abundantly merciful and gracious, quick to obey! Everywhere, everywhere the Lord saves me: on the water, on land, at home, in the church, and on every path and place. The clergy of the Orthodox Church are bearers of the gospel of Christ, peace and reconciliation of people with God, bearers of the light of Christ, His shrine, truth, judgment, new creation and renewal, His blessing, favor, deification. Let me never think of a girl [...] and let me not touch a woman’s body voluptuously and adulterously, for from this the fire of Gehenna comes out, scorching the insides. September 26. Why is it reasonable to take a slip or inaccuracy for heresy and write an entire polemic, an entire theological treatise, about an inaccurately expressed truth? An error can be corrected by right instruction, and there will be no temptation for anyone. Otherwise there will be publicity and temptation if you announce in print and shout that such and such a brochure says heresy by a Kronstadt priest, and suspicion of heresy will fall on him, which he was afraid to even think about, not only say heresy. A lofty tale about an ascetic at whom malicious people wanted to laugh. “Is it true, Abba, what they say about you that you are a fornicator?” “Yes,” he answered. “They say you’re proud?” - “And it’s true.” - “Why are you a heretic? - “Well, that’s not true,” he answered. “Why do you admit yourself guilty of those sins, but not this one?” - “Because our nature is prone to all the above-mentioned sins and one way or another you are guilty of them, and heresy, since it is arbitrary and persistent, is inexcusable in a person and is the cause of his death” 58. So I would answer and renounce heresy with both hands. And you […], like a heretic, read a whole apologetics of dogma! This insult is unbearable, and it presupposes in you the intention [to impose] great guilt on the innocent and subject him to the most evil defamation 59 with the aim of dishonoring the person, crushing him. This is completely contrary to Christian love, which is merciful, covers everything, is forgiving, and admonishes [1 Cor. 13:4–8]. The pure in heart will see God [Matthew 5:8]. For the sake of such an all-blessed vision, every Christian must work hard in the fight against sin, the world and the ruler of the world and endure everything, like the apostles, prophets, martyrs, saints, fools for Christ’s sake and all the saints. What indescribable kindness and beauty of the face of God! How good and beautiful is He who created the angelic lordships and all the beauty visible in creatures! Flee the ugliness of passions, their stench! The Antichrist will be the Pope of Rome, who declared himself infallible, like God, and secured this absurdity for centuries, having approved it at the lying Vatican Council. He is the person of Antichrist about whom [Scripture] says that he will sit in the Church as God, pretending to be God [2 Thess. 2:4], and the pope already proclaims himself the Lord God - at least [Catholics] agreed to this with their theologians 60. There is nowhere to go further than this. This is also consistent with the legend in the Apocalypse that the Antichrist will first pretend to be unusually pious [Rev.13; Wed 2 John 1:7; 2 Thessalonians 2:2-12; 1 Timothy 4:1-6]. How, really, can dad not seem pious? What kind of dad would he be? What better way to deceive the people than with imaginary piety? It is in the pope that the people look for piety, and from visible piety the viper of Antichrist will degenerate. Every human passion separates the soul from God, cools, defiles, weakens, darkens, hardens, enslaves. Therefore, one must fight hard against passions, and their very embryos, their babies, must [be] broken against the stone of Christ [Ps. 136:9], in order to be with Him and not be separated from Him forever. Daily psychic experiences show how destructive passions are for the human soul, how strongly they enslave and captivate the soul and how difficult it is to free oneself from them; only faith with ardent repentance and prayer delivers a person from deadly passions, and without faith in Christ a person becomes a pitiful victim of destruction. Friendship with the world is enmity against God, says the holy Apostle John [James 4:4]. Everything is permissible for me, but nothing should possess me, says the holy Apostle Paul [1 Cor. 6:12]. If you, let’s say, have an addiction to the belly, to money, to acquisitions in general, to worldly honor - you are already an enemy of God and cannot keep the commandments of Christ, be a sincere disciple of Christ; you are the servant of Belial. Instead of the popes humbly repenting of their age-old errors, they, to the horror of Christian humanity, who sensibly theologically, declared themselves infallible, thus securing to themselves all the old and new heresies and innovations. This is obvious, arrogant opposition to God, this is devilish pride. November 20, 1893. Saturday. I sinned before the Lord by secretly being upset that I was not given a bribe for visiting a sick young woman in St. Petersburg whose husband is an officer. One should rejoice, acting in the spirit of Christ, that he taught the sick man the grace of God, praying to God for the sick woman and comforting her with words. And so I confess my sin and accuse myself of the passion of greed. From now on let me not do this, but let me rejoice, not having received a reward for the grace given, according to the Scripture: freely you have received, freely give [Matthew 10:8]. But what a miracle the Lord performed for me in the evening! One healed woman sent me a thousand rubles (and in the morning I sent one thousand one hundred to St. Petersburg). November 28. Sunday. Twelve o'clock at night. I have sinned gravely and often sin before God and before parishioners and strangers (visitors) by disobedience, grief and irritation with bitterness when they invite or have previously invited me to a spiritual service - to give a prayer to a woman in labor, or to baptize, or to give communion to the sick and ill. This is because I am used to fulfilling all the demands and prayers out of self-interest and for wealthy people, or traveling to St. Petersburg and other cities, although I distribute most of it to the poor in the city of Kronstadt and others. Even in St. Petersburg, I reluctantly and rarely go with the Holy Mysteries to commune the sick. This is devilish resistance, laziness, pride, selfishness, dislike for one’s neighbor, while love should be in first place in all my words and actions, be the soul of all my thoughts, intentions and actions. From now on, let this not happen, and let me be an obedient slave to everyone, with love, willingness and humility. Amen. Forgive the sins I have committed, O Lord, long-suffering and gentle! Amen. If those days (the Antichrist) had not been shortened, then no flesh would have been saved, says the Lord, but for the sake of the elect those days will be shortened [Matthew 24:22]. What a scary time! What terrible temptations of the murderous serpent, so terrible and strong that not a single person would have been saved if the Lord had not stopped these cruel days. This means how many are perishing and how few are being saved! Many are called, but few are chosen [Matthew 20:16]! Fornication, anger, malice, envy, vanity, gluttony, laziness struggle against me greatly, but intercede for me and save me, my Savior! 61 Lutherans unfairly call themselves evangelicals because they do not believe the Gospel, do not believe in the transformation of bread and wine into the most pure Body and Blood of Christ, do not believe in the Divine dignity of the Mother of God and do not venerate Her, the supreme Cherub and Seraphim, do not believe in the succession of apostolic power, not to mention their disrespect for the saints whom the Lord Himself honored and exalted and glorified as His own. animated churches and vessels with many miracles and the incorruption of their miraculous remains. There is eternal life, eternal reward after death. The holy saints of God, prophets, patriarchs, apostles, saints, martyrs, saints, righteous and all the saints testified to this truth in word and deed, with their whole lives, with thousands, millions of deaths for the faith and for the endless future life, and most importantly, the Leader of our faith, the Lord, testified louder than anyone else, with His Divine word and example, raising Himself from the dead by the power of the Divine His own, for the flesh of the Life-Giver was resurrected as an assurance of the future common resurrection of all. So, let us all strive for the sake of the future life in this, temporary and transitory one, and let us strive and encourage each other to virtue, for everyone will be rewarded after death. December 2. Crucify mercilessly and zealously your many-passionate flesh, because it daily, hourly crucifies the Son of God. Blessed, wise, and glorious were all the saints who did not spare their flesh for God, for the righteous and eternal life, but who, voluntarily or involuntarily, gave it over to torment, abuse 62, and bitterness 63. Are there many such sages now among us, educated, enlightened people, boasting of their false enlightenment? Oh, how little! How we all love to do what pleases the flesh in lust! Who now thirsts and covets with all his might the shrine as the last and main goal of his existence, covets food like a hungry man, for holiness and truth is the food of our immortal soul, created in the image and likeness of God, the all-holy and all-righteous? Who strives whole-heartedly for holiness, just as someone accustomed to clean air strives to come out of an unclean atmosphere into clean air in order to breathe and breathe it? We are all imbued with the stench and corruption of sin, we all live in the child of passions and lusts. Yesterday, upon receiving a telegram from St. Petersburg [with a request] to come to the sick woman with the Holy Sacrament (from Princess Kropotkina), I was embarrassed, embittered, damned, agitated because they dared to invite me with the Holy Mysteries - oh, the devil’s machinations, the devil’s rebellion! I barely calmed down after intense secret repentance! I came to the sick woman and in the corridor of the house I was still indignant, almost expressed in words, but I came and saw how much I had to feel sorry for the sick, pitiable mother of three children and the wife of a wonderful husband, a guard colonel, and the daughter of an honored general who was right there! Always with zeal, with love, willingly rush to the sick for the sake of Christ, who laid down His soul for us. How much impurity of sin exists in people from an unclean heart, because of the vital, existential, secret organs of the human body, beautifully, purely, beneficially created by the Creator, because of the organs from which the life of rational, with an immortal soul, morally pure beings should flow and overflow with a holy spring for the glory of God and for the happiness, joy and bliss of these beings themselves. And how many of these lives are destroyed in the very bud from sins and passions and immoral orgies! How man, a rational creature, curses at himself and at the Creator Himself, often without seeing it and desecrating and disfiguring himself in passions and lusts! How does a person become seduced by the organs of his own or someone else’s body and display them to himself and everyone who comes in nude paintings and statues? Human! Where are you? Where are you going, what are you striving for? What do you achieve so hard, with such effort? – Your own mental and physical corruption, destruction, destruction of your human personality and eternal torment with the devil, whose will you do. Man, a fallen being who has perverted his spiritual and physical nature through sin, is capable of all kinds of moral changes, good and bad, and completely opposite in their essence: sometimes he is high in thought and feeling and disposition of the soul or in his good intentions and deeds, sometimes he is to the last degree low on occasion or pretext for some passion that is smoldering in him and has not hitherto been eradicated by the exercise of the opposite virtue; he is capable of both malice and goodness, and pride and humility, and wickedness and simplicity, and envy and goodwill, and fornication and chastity, and resistance to the devil and obedience, and laziness and zeal, and treachery and fidelity, and cruelty and tenderness and affection. A person is often the most fickle weathervane, changing its direction in accordance with the wind - with circumstances, therefore a person needs long moral and physical training, self-compulsion, good deeds under the guidance of an experienced mentor or the word of God and the writings of the Holy Fathers in order to develop himself into a true Christian with firm moral rules and dispositions of mind, heart and will. This is how holy ascetics, reverend fathers, saints, martyrs, holy fools for Christ’s sake developed themselves. Each person, using the things created by God, or the members of his body, or the faculties of the soul, must firmly know the purpose, intention and purpose of the Creator with which they are given or created, so as not to pervert God's order or intention with which they were created, and instead of the benefit for which they exist, not to cause extreme harm in case of abuse and not to anger the all-good and all-wise Creator and not to bring His curses instead of blessings, not to be deprived of the gifts of life and not to be condemned to eternal damnation. I mean generally all the abilities of the rational and immortal soul - mind, heart and will, as well as all the members of the body, secret and obvious, and food, clothing, objects of art, painting, sculpture, the gift and art of singing, books of varied and often seductive content. From the abuse of these abilities, powers, things or bodies, people often suffer terribly and die prematurely, especially from the abuse of food and drink or the secret members of the body or from the abuse of the mind and knowledge. Therefore, all youth must certainly train themselves to be pious in order to be worthy of the great title of man and Christian. December 4, 1893. This morning at six o’clock I was very angry with my wife because she forced me to write a letter to Count Vorontsov-Dashkov, the Minister of the Court, about accepting our son-in-law, Lieutenant Nikolai Shemyakin, into the palace department, and only through repentance and prayer did I get rid of the embarrassment and cramped soul and anger towards her. Wrote. What will happen? God knows. I sincerely condemn myself before Your eyes, Lord, who see the depths of all hearts, in persistent disobedience to the requests of my neighbors, asking for my assistance and help in life’s affairs through written or oral petition before the mighty of the earth, or even my prayers and confession and communion of the Holy Mysteries of the sick, to which I am invited in the presence of many other persons who invited me to the work of prayer. I am used to being irritated with those who invite and even with those patients to whom they invite, if they are simple and poor and long-acquainted, insignificant in society [people]. I see my sin of self-love, pride, selfishness, lack of faith, self-indulgence and I condemn myself, and I wish to sincerely correct myself from this illness and serve everyone as much as possible with humility, zeal, willingly, like the Lord Himself, of Whose members are all Orthodox Christians and members of the body of the Church and, therefore, my members. Wake up. December 7, 93. Do not hide for yourselves treasures on earth, where worms and aphids smolder, and where they dig up and steal [Matthew 6:19]. Every day and hour the worm and aphids of sin corrupt my heart, tearing me, incorruptible, created in the image and likeness of God, from incorruptibility and holiness and truth and plunging me into the aphids of earthly addictions, addictions to earthly sweets, wealth, beauty, earthly glory or to carnality, self-indulgence, laziness, envy, vanity, pride, greed, anger, irritation due to earthly vanity. Therefore, let all attachment to earthly things be rejected and let my soul be wounded by the love of heavenly, incorruptible, eternal blessings, where neither a worm, nor an aphid corrupts, nor a thieves dig in or steal. The degree of love for the Lord of a Christian is known by the degree and strength of his struggle with sin, resistance to sins that fight and seduce us, and whoever does not struggle with sin, but without a struggle is carried away by it and succumbs to it, does not love God, who abhors all sin, even unrighteous thoughts. What fellowship does righteousness have with iniquity? What does light have in common with darkness? [ 2 Corinthians 6:14 ]. “The Lord knows those who are His”; and: “Let everyone who confesses the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness” [2 Timothy 2:19]. Therefore, the Lord allows various temptations for pious people and leads them into the feat of struggle with various temptations, obstacles, deprivations, illnesses, sorrows, in order to test and purify Christian souls, like gold in a furnace, and make them unshakable in faith and virtue. But a person who is not tested, not seasoned, not established in faith and virtue is not pure and not trustworthy for the Kingdom of God. The grace of God in a believer, or an Orthodox Christian, constantly fights against sin, which is still living and rooted in the heart of a Christian; There is a constant competition between truth and sin, and sometimes truth wins, sometimes sin, but grace more often overcomes sin for the sake of faith and repentance of a Christian and his diligence, zeal to stand in faith and virtue. December 26, 93. The grace of God, dwelling in me, or the Lord, dwelling in me for the sake of my sincere faith and prayer [always] and especially for the sake of frequent reverent communion of the Holy Mysteries, has made me dear, respectable, glorious and beloved to all ends of Russia and even beyond it. So, may I value with my whole being the grace of God, the truth and holiness within me at all times, and may I abide in truth and holiness for the glory of God and for the good of myself and others. We often say in prayer: Lord, Lord! But do we fulfill the will of the Lord, calling the Master Lord and ourselves His servants? Doesn’t the word often sound in our mouths without deeds, without obedience to God? New Year 1894. Bless the crown of the summer of Your goodness, O Lord [Ps.64:12]! What should be dearer to me than anything else in the world is, as it is, the grace of God, or the Lord Himself, who abides in me according to His word: He who eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood abides in Me, and I in him [John 6:56]. The grace of God in me has made and is making me loved by everyone, dear, glorious, longed for, strong in faith, hope, the love of Christ, fruitful and wonderful prayer. Oh, how I must always treasure God’s grace and not prefer anything in the world to it, no worldly glory, no wealth, no sweetness, beauty and glory, for the grace of God infinitely surpasses everything worldly, temporary, corruptible, as incorruptible and abiding forever, like God, its source. Archangel Gabriel, the evangelist to the Blessed Virgin about the incarnation of the Lord from Her, said no other greeting to Her than the gracious greeting: Rejoice, Blessed One! The Lord is with you! [Luke 1:28]. Every Christian treasures the grace of God most of all and try diligently not to lose it, not to lose it through worldly passions and attachments. January 5, 1894. There is nothing in the world more fickle than the human heart due to the initial fall of man in the person of Adam and Eve and due to the corruption that passes from generation to generation from original sin and one’s own inattention to oneself and the negligence and laziness of each person, not renewed and not confirmed by grace. Every hour and sometimes almost every minute a person is capable of changing for good or bad, and from high to low, from serious to funny words or deeds in a person there is only one step, one moment: sometimes he is elevated in thoughts, sometimes low in sinful movements of thought and heart, sometimes truthful, sometimes deceitful, sometimes simple, sometimes crafty, sometimes jealous and zealous, sometimes lazy, sometimes kind, sometimes evil, sometimes virtuous, sometimes envious, sometimes humble, sometimes proud, sometimes honest and noble, sometimes dishonest and insolent, sometimes tender, sometimes cruel and insensitive, sometimes chaste, sometimes corrupt in thoughts and feelings, sometimes temperate, sometimes insatiable and greedy, sometimes a reader of God, sometimes a blasphemer, sometimes generous, sometimes stingy to the point of stupidity and miserliness, sometimes courageous, sometimes cowardly, sometimes prudent, sometimes stupid; and in the sage himself at times there is not a little, but a lot, a lot of stupidity. The wisest and most difficult thing is to manage a person and guide him towards truth and piety and accustom him to firmness and constancy in Christian virtue. But every Christian must certainly train himself for piety and constancy in it and for the fear of God, for the beginning of wisdom is the fear of God [Proverbs 1:7;9:10]. Therefore, all the saints tried diligently to accustom themselves to constancy, firmness, patience in faith and virtue - and became pillars of faith and piety and all virtue. Every Christian who desires salvation, correction, holiness and truth needs to lay the foundation of his work on the rock of Christ, dig and deepen the soil of his heart and then build a spiritual house, a house of virtue and an inner church to God the All-Creator [Luke 6:48]. On January 4, during the communion of four thousand lay people, I deeply offended the Lord God and my soul with my cowardice, my impatience, irritation, secret dissatisfaction, the passion of my soul and the desire to quickly finish this great, holy work of communion, in order to rush to vain things - to please people and myself in the flesh, and not in the spirit and to collect acquisitions, although mostly for the benefit of the poor neighbors. What is higher, holier, nobler, more fruitful and more God-loving on earth than this work, that is, the communion of the laity with the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord? And the Heavenly Angels are jealous of us in this holy, saving, but also terrible work of distributing the Flesh and Blood of the Lord to people. And I, seeing the multitude of communicants and communicants, instead of being filled with jealousy and love of God, with zeal and joy for the multitude of those who receive the Holy Mysteries with faith and reverence, in the end I am dissatisfied, impatient, annoyed, irritable, wanting to finish quickly and indignant in my soul at those who are suitable, and even wishing that a considerable share of the sweetest Brush remained in the Holy Chalice for me Christ's! Oh, greed, oh, insane laziness! Is it not enough for me that I, before all the communicants, ate the most pure Body and drank the Blood of my Lord from the Holy Chalice? This is how greedy, vain, unreasonable, uncompassionate, and unkind I am to my neighbors, to the members of Christ. Instead of rejoicing over the multitude of those who receive the Holy Mysteries, and although 64 three hours or more stand and be diligent in this matter, I do not want to spend even two hours in the zeal of God and peace of spirit and in unceasing thanksgiving to the Lord, who is so forgiving and long-suffering to us sinners, those of little faith, the impatient, the vain and the ungrateful! Let this never happen in the future! Every person, especially a Christian, as gifted by God with reason and conscience, or with an internal law that shows him what is good and what is evil, what to follow and what to reject, must certainly know God’s intention about himself, God’s intention regarding the soul and body, for which purpose, that is, the Lord gave him a reasonable and free soul, and the law of conscience, and a beautiful body, purposefully arranged, what are the intentions of God, righteous, pure, holy and wise, regarding the members bodies, how and when and for what to use them, how to protect them from untimely, unauthorized or perverse use, such as: sight, hearing, touch, tasting, especially the members of children, beings and human seed - and live strictly according to the intentions of the Creator, to the honor and glory of God and for one’s own well-being and longevity and to one’s own honor and glory. Meanwhile, many abuses occur in human life and many family and social misfortunes due to ignorance by many of the intentions of their Creator about themselves, about soul and body, and human life flows in a wrong, disastrous, vicious way, to the greatest insult to the Lord God, who created everything wisely and beautifully and well-intentioned. So, let everyone remember the intentions of the Creator, with which He gave us soul and body, and let him subject himself strictly to the moral laws of the Creator for his well-being. The love of this world is enmity against God [James 4:4]. Let's say you love beautiful young female faces. This worldly love is enmity against God, because you love not according to God, pervertedly, according to the flesh, according to passion, according to voluptuousness, carnal pleasure, corruption, you love not the soul, but the body of a person, leaving the soul in disdain and depersonalizing a person, making him for yourself a pleasant thing that can satisfy your lust, your voluptuousness, and even depersonalizing yourself, becoming a toy passions or becoming a vessel of the devil, a working church of demons. The same or similar things must be said about other types of worldly love: love of money, greed, ambition, love of fame, vanity, gluttony, smoking tobacco, and so on. As soon as a person loves with all his soul something - money, clothes, property, magnificent houses, magnificent furnishings, or horses, or various games, constant entertainment, he certainly forgets God and becomes an enemy of God. And how narrow, short-sighted are all passions, unrighteous, insane, blind, tormenting, deadly! For example, a person who loves only beautiful faces abhors ugly, unseemly, unsmooth or sick, crippled, wretched, wrinkled, etc., even if people with such faces were worthy at heart, honest, modest, noble, educated, worthy of all respect and love. And because of the love of money, a devotee of this passion is ready to hate his father and mother, and relatives and generally close ones, and even friends, if they prevent him from getting rich and demand his monetary sacrifices. Because of the passion for earthly glory, sweetness, beauty, and wealth, a person moves away from God, does not love Him, lives not according to His will, but according to his own - sinful, passionate, blind, destructive. Those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. In order to defeat and overcome the sins and passions that act in us and defile our soul and heart, we need to end our friendship with the multi-passionate flesh, in which goodness does not live, according to the word of the Apostle [Rom.7:18], and not to please it in lust [Rom.13:14], but to grieve it intentionally, depriving it of what is pleasant and delightful and doing the opposite to all its passions: self-love, carnal pleasure, voluptuousness, greed, ambition, vanity, laziness, disobedience and disobedience, envy, pride and contempt for others, partiality, contemplation, deceit, hypocrisy, rudeness, intemperance, lack of faith, doubt, unbelief; for example, when you do not want to serve your neighbor out of duty and the needs of your calling or out of a Christian feeling of compassion, force yourself to serve him willingly, diligently and humbly, rejecting 66 your laziness and self-indulgence; if you are overcome by lust for fornication, stop your lustful thoughts, memory and imagination, which depict the objects of fornication, and imagine the Last Judgment and fiery Gehenna, eternal torment prepared for fornicators and adulterers, and fear the wrath of the Lord on those who corrupted His church - our body [1 Cor. 3:17], in which the Lord wants to live; remember the undying worm and the unquenchable fire - and lust will soon go out. I bring to the Lord my God glory, praise and thanksgiving for the unceasing mercies and powers of deliverance and salvation, spiritual freedom and peace, manifested in my soul and in the flesh many times every day, for from my youth until now many passions have fought me 61 and drawn me to destruction, causing confusion, distress and shame, but I immediately direct the eyes of my heart to the Lord 67 with the prayer of faith, secret hope and repentance, [...] His holy, all-saving name comes to my heart, and He immediately resolves the captivity of my 68 falls into sin, and I am rewarded with permission, peace, space, freedom and boldness. Glory to the Lord for His ineffable and unceasing mercies towards me. January 9, 94 Why is your heart still unclean, as before, long before this time? Why do all sorts of passions still nest within him: pride, self-indulgence in all forms, carnality, gluttony, voluptuousness, fornication, although not real, actual, carnal, but mental, imagined for a moment or produced by sight or touch? Why does he still have pride, contempt for others, anger, irritation, bitterness, sometimes beating, kicking, beating or partiality out of love of money and covetousness? Why else do you have envy, zeal, greed, thirst for more, dissatisfaction with the present; why disobedience, avoidance at times from serving the poor and striving for the rich; Why stinginess, insufficient giving of alms when it is possible to give more generously? Why slyness, ill will, malice, gloating, rancor? Why sometimes insincerity, indifference, coldness towards one's neighbor? Why lie, slander, deceit and untruth? Why the grumbling, impatience, waywardness? - It’s all because of your negligence about correcting your heart, your laziness, your lack of faith. Remember the lives of the saints: how they lived, labored, worked to correct their hearts, how they endured, suffered, endured illness, deprivation, torment with joy, and imitate them to the best of your ability and cultivate the field of your heart without laziness, pluck out the thorns of passions with patience and plant the seeds of all virtue, while there is time, while the bargaining of life continues. (On January 8, at eight o’clock, I jumped into the carriage leaving St. Petersburg for Oranienbaum, being late to arrive on time. I thank the Lord that I jumped in safely, but how, gasping for breath, I ran - passion! I barely caught my breath.) January 14, 1894. While traveling from Moscow to St. Petersburg by courier train, I had a wonderful dream about the recently deceased Bishop Theophan 69, who was in seclusion and wrote many spiritual works, and recently wrote [mercilessly] and jealously, mockingly at some of my expressions in a brochure about the Most Holy Trinity, which none of the spiritually educated writers thought of doing. On this occasion, I reacted very coldly to his memory and secretly rejoiced at his death, as a somewhat hostile and contemptuous, envious person. And so in a dream I read a printed piece of his work or, as it were, justification before me, in which he says that he lived with God all the time and with Him made many, many spiritual children everywhere who honor and love him, and that no one should neglect his episcopal rank, with which he was honored by God. I don’t remember what happened next in this printed sheet of Feofan’s justification; I soon woke up and took note of this vision. From it I learned that the Right Reverend rested in holiness. And may the Lord forgive him his nagging. It is interesting to learn details about the death of the Right Reverend from Archimandrite Arkady 70. There was a rumor that His Grace Theophan did not accept me, allegedly unworthy. Don't think. I really wasn't worthy to see him. God! May the soul of Thy servant, Saint Theophan, rest in Thy Kingdom, for he has labored much with his writings for the benefit of Thy Church. January 15. The human soul, as having fallen in the person of the first people and having inherited from them all the dispositions and inclinations to any sin, among other many sins, is sick with the sin of seduction, or sinful dreams, according to which all things in the world seem to be seduced, sinful, as if containing within themselves a reason for sin, although the all-wise and most pure Creator created everything pure, holy, beautiful, harmless. Thus, to a person, the beauty of a woman or a man seems seductive, and the members, in themselves pure, beneficial, necessary, sinless, seem unclean, nasty, and the most holy icons of God in the flesh, the Most Pure Mother of God and the saints, appear to others to be seduced and others cannot look at them therefore, that is, due to the action of the devil, for this seduction comes from the devil; and sometimes a person has such a painful, sinful mood, or disorder, that everything tempts him, every thing, every animal, bird, fish: everywhere and in everything, sin and sin appear to a person, even if you don’t look with your eyes. The Lord, the Knower of the Heart, knowing this sinful illness in us, said to the Jews: is this tempting you? [John 6:61] - that is, calling Him God, the Son of God. This blissfulness occurs in a person from uncleanness, corruption of the heart, and even of the flesh itself; a person who is pure in heart looks at everything purely, but to an unclean person everything is unclean, for both his mind and conscience are defiled, according to the Apostle [Titus 1:15]; you need to earnestly pray to ask the Lord for a pure heart and a right spirit and to look at all creation, at all faces and things simply, purely, with a gaze, so to speak, Divine. In the world, meanwhile, it is customary to help this painful feeling of humanity as much as possible, and in many houses of rich and unfaithful and impious people, voluptuous paintings or statues are hung that evoke unchaste feelings. Where does this widespread mental illness come from - bliss, or bliss? From the primordial enemy of God and man - Satan, who allowed himself to be the first to completely pervert himself and from a good, pure, beautiful, luminous Angel to become evil, unclean, evil, full of all lawlessness and ugliness and all darkness, all absurdity (absurdity), filth, all stench and who tries with all his might to convey his stench, his wickedness, his malice, abomination humanity and make a person like himself, as much as he can do this due to human carelessness, inattention, lack of faith or lack of faith, ignorance, laziness and drowsiness. What is the cause of our passions, their strength, duration, and the powerlessness of a person devoted to them to resist them? – Their extreme charm, violence, attraction, darkening of the mind, desire for carnal pleasure (in gluttony and fornication), vanity, pride, ambition, desire for independence (high places, awards, money), lack of faith or unbelief, impurity of the heart, rudeness, whitening of the heart or soul of man. The grace given to a person for his faith, diligence and labors is so precious, attractive, sweet, glorious that it attracts everyone to the person who has it, glorifies him, subjugates everyone and everything to him, the very soulless nature, which obeys the words of a gracious man-miracle worker. Therefore, let every blessed Christian value it above everything in the world, more glorious, more beautiful, sweeter than all the beauties, sweets, worldly riches and the glory of this world, and let him stand firmly in holiness and truth and deeds of virtue all the days of his life, and let him constantly strive to ascend in his heart to God. January 18. Do not your own will, but do God’s. They call to a sick person to admonish, confess and communicate - you don’t want to - break yourself and willingly, with joy and zeal and perform the work of mercy - and you will do a godly deed: and you will bring joy and consolation to your neighbor, and satisfaction and peace for yourself. They ask for a large sum to help an extreme need - you feel sorry for the money, but don’t feel sorry for your neighbor, or you feel sorry for it, but you feel more sorry for the money - break your will and willingly give the required amount, if you are able, - and you will do a deed pleasing to God: you will satisfy and comfort your neighbor, and you will give yourself moral satisfaction and be rewarded with the bliss promised to the merciful: Blessed are the merciful, for they will have mercy [ Matthew 5:7]. Otherwise, we tend to do our own sinful will, selfish, selfish, destructive, stupid, and not God’s – holy, wise, blessed. January 22, 1894. There is nothing hidden that will not be revealed [Luke 12:2]. The wife of the late composer Tchaikovsky, 71 so famous by lovers of secular art, told me yesterday that her husband did not live with her as his wife, but with one handsome young man as his wife (may those who read and hear this forgive me). Here's to the glory of what the world considers great people! Of course, he became famous not for this dirty trick (but many knew about this dirty trick), but for his musical talent. But what is talent if it is not used for the glory of God and not for the benefit of the soul, if with secular talent it does not have spiritual fire in itself, if it does not edify anyone, if it does not use people’s spiritual talent! Christians! This is who the world glorifies, and how it glorifies! She just loves it! He awards thousands of crowns! He erects monuments worth hundreds of thousands, which could be used to build many charitable institutions! What can such secular figures expect from the Lord at His judgment after death, who have committed so much lawlessness and have not repented to God and who have been awarded countless secular people like them, although, perhaps, not for such nasty deeds! This is how they praised and praise Pushkin, Lermontov - suicides, red tape poets 72, this is how they [praise] Turgenev, Dostoevsky, Tolstoy Leo - the perfect Diogenes in a barrel, in bast shoes, in a sheepskin coat. Oh, smart guys! (Tchaikovsky’s wife spoke to me frankly, but not in confession, but just in private, and said that he often did not dare to show himself in the world and ran away from people.) Lord, righteous Judge! How long will we anger You with our sins, crying out for righteous vengeance? The priest, Father Mikhail Kudryavtsev, Kaluga province, told me in the carriage (in the evening, at nine o’clock) about my waking appearance to him in the evening in the summer, in the month of June, when I was in my homeland, during his illness, and about my conversation with him, so that he would not lose heart and trust in the Lord that he would heal him (and he was seriously ill, dying, and sent me a telegram). And he really was healed and now, in winter, he came to thank me, although not to me, not to me, but to God, glory to God for all His miracles and mercies, performed according to our faith. January 29. Saturday. I sinned before God, before people and before myself, by being upset and often upset by those, mostly ordinary people, who invite me to the sick with the Holy Gifts. What does it mean? It would be necessary to hasten with zeal and joy to serve the weak members of Christ, but I reluctantly and not immediately, but already inspired by the admonition from God of the punishment for my disobedience and stubbornness, go to the sick. This means that I am partial, and selfish, and self-loving, and lustful, and carnal, and lazy, and proud, and evil, and a devil, and not a saint of Christ. I hasten to the rich and noble with zeal and readiness, but not to the poor. Oh, crafty man that I am! Oh, the lover of voluptuousness rather than the lover of God [2 Timothy 3:4]! This happens to me even when there are a large number of communicants of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ. At first I willingly and diligently give communion to people of every rank and status, but in the end I begin to indulge in impatience and grief, as if forgetting what a great work I am doing, making faithful people partakers of the Divine nature through teaching them the Life-giving Mysteries, and that there is nothing higher and more important than this work. Where am I in a hurry and in a hurry from this matter? - To the vanity of the world, to the satisfaction of self-interest, to gluttony, to the love of this world, which is enmity against God! So I expose myself, repent of my sinful aspirations, my carnality and self-indulgence and ask the Lord for mercy and correction of my life. Today I was very angry with one visiting woman because she forcibly kept me in Ukhanova’s apartment in the House of Diligence below, and I embarrassed her and myself, but then I secretly repented and received forgiveness from the Lord. Then he took offense at Ksenia (a widow woman) and hit her in the face because she persistently asked me for money for my daughter’s dowry in addition to those that were given to her. And again I greatly embarrassed and wounded my soul with this act, with this anger and strangulation, and only through repeated secret repentance was I healed, having received forgiveness from the Lord. I sinned before God and people by reproaching with bitter words Mr. Paramensky, who often comes to me with a petition or various requests and petitions written to different persons. I sinned by expressing my impatience and anger to Father Andrei for allowing many communicants and communicants at an untimely time and towards the children being brought to the Holy Chalice, that there are very many of them. I sinned when I became angry with a sick Bulgarian woman who demanded that I often receive Holy Communion in her apartment and on her sick bed. He sinned - he fell away from love, in which the whole law is fulfilled, and long ago fell into self-love, carnality, gluttony, delicacy, love of money, vanity, laziness, grumbling. Lord, have mercy on me! February 8, 94. How many mercies, how many supernatural Divine powers of deliverance, protection, salvation, peace, freedom, light, mental and physical space, are exuded to me daily and hourly by the Holy Trinity and the only Holy Trinity, the Lord Jesus Christ, whom I constantly call upon with faith, hope, and repentance! There is no limit to the mercies and powers of the Holy Trinity in me. I thank, praise, extol the Holy Trinity, the only God, all-generous, abundantly merciful, long-suffering, loving of mankind, all-righteous, true, wise, omnipotent, unchangeable. When a Christian struggles with many different passions, he has to fight (and must urgently fight) with their charm, which leads to sin, rapes the soul and body and is characterized by an extremely fast character, so that if a person obsessed with passion does not take precautions or if he does not have faith and fear of God, in an instant he can do a lot of trouble, even kill a person or several people or deprive himself or another person of chastity, especially if the temptation occurs alone, without witnesses, or can to steal any thing, or to lie, or to swear falsely, or to slander a person and use 73 different curse words around him. Therefore, one must firmly resist the delusion of sin and consider it a storm of the devil and secretly pray to the Lord for salvation and victory. Remember the Savior’s parable about a church built on a rock, and about a church without a foundation, and about rivers and winds of temptation attacking the church of the human soul and body [Matthew 7:24–27]. February 14. O man, why do you daily practice enmity against God, feasting on yourself, becoming satiated, and exceedingly pleasing your insatiable belly and counting it as God [Phil.3:19]? Why do you serve the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh, enjoying the beauty of the body in paintings, statues and beautiful faces, in graceful, light dresses, in magnificent chambers, in gold and marble? All this extremely cools the heart, extinguishing in it the love for God and neighbor and for the immortal soul and for the future incorruptible age. All this is enmity against God. The love of this world is enmity against God, according to the apostles John and Paul [John 15:19; Rom.8:7]. Flee this enmity quickly and inflame your heart with love for God and neighbor. February 19. Do not allow sinful rebellion to occur within you due to any reason, important or insignificant, as often happens to you, so that you do not often become irritated, and do not give room within yourself to the devil, the worldwide rebel, and do not anger God, and do not hurt your soul. But try to always have peace within yourself, suppressing at the beginning the germs of sins and passions and creating the truth of God internally and externally, preserving yourself in meekness, humility, purity and chastity, abstinence, mercy, voluntary obedience and self-sacrifice for the good of your neighbor and the glory of God. Do not do your own and the devil’s will, but the will of God, revealed to you in the word of God and in your conscience. Man, created for true, Divine love, the devil stole from God, arms him against God and destroys him with false, worldly, carnal love (the love of this world is enmity against God [James 4:4]; develop this idea); created for teaching the knowledge of God and piety is destroyed by the falsely directed science of the world, and it often happens that young men of higher institutions become apostates from God and the Church through false science, through the false direction of their minds. What are all the machinations of the ethereal enemy - Satan and all the demonic hordes - directed towards? To the perversion, distortion, desecration, corruption of human nature, spiritual and physical, to alienation from the goodness, life and bliss of the Creator and to temporary and eternal death, to endless torment. Notice for drunkards, fornicators, proud, vain, ambitious, envious, stingy, hard-hearted, evil and irritable, crafty, deceitful, lazy, rude, disobedient or lovers of red tape, how in them the nature of the soul and body and the moral order of life are perverted, [the order of life becomes] ugly, meaningless, or, more correctly, completely it is not there, and out of life comes chaos, disorder, confusion, the meaninglessness of moral relations, confusion, hatred of those whom one should love sincerely, and perverse, carnal, unclean love for those and for that which one should turn away from and run away from. The enemy's machinations are even aimed at distorting the nature of unreasonable animals by senseless man - the nature of four-legged animals and birds. Oh, how one must despise sin in all its countless forms and shun it, flee it, hate it, in order to completely love the law of God, perfect, wise, vital, and fulfill it in everything! What creative love and what wonderful, incorruptible food and drink [it] prepares daily for the Christian man (I mean the most pure Body and the most pure Blood of the Son of God) for eating and communion, purification, sanctification, enlightenment, renewal, deification and exact fulfillment of the commandments of God, the fulfillment of which leads to eternal life and bliss! Wonderful, indescribable, unspeakable love of the Creator for His own creation and the same food for the fallen and restored creation! The Heavenly Angels marvel at this, revere the incomprehensible goodness of the Creator, and are jealous of our bliss, and joyfully accept us into their ranks. Now the Heavenly Forces serve with us invisibly, behold the King of Glory enters, behold the secret sacrifice is completed 57 . February 25, 1894. The instrument is blunt (the heart), the vessel is unclean and broken, into which you put all knowledge, all the treasures of knowledge! What good will all knowledge serve without a pure heart, with an unclean, vicious heart, without love for God and neighbor? – To more condemnation and torment, to more dissolute wandering in life. If... I have all knowledge and all faith, so that I can move mountains... it does me no good, says the holy Apostle Paul [1 Cor. 13:2-3]. March 1st. The human heart, or our old man, is full of incessant, monstrous contradictions that sting the person himself: now he is a sincere believer, now an unbeliever or superstitious, now he is kind, now evil, now humble, now proud, now blessing, now blaspheming, now obedient, now disobedient, now zealous, now lazy, now simple-hearted, now wicked, now equally kind to everyone, now partial and extreme. picky in his dealings, sometimes sincere, sometimes crafty and unclean, sometimes merciful and soft-hearted, sometimes stingy and hard-hearted, sometimes he does not spare hundreds and thousands of rubles, sometimes he spares one ruble or an insignificant thing that he loves - in a word, the heart and life of a person are often full of the most stupid contradictions and the whims of the human heart are endless. Therefore, it is the duty of every Christian person to establish within himself harmony, 74 simplicity, directness and constancy in order to think, live and act in a good direction. Sin is enmity against God; Every sinner is an enemy of God and himself. Sinners! Make peace with God through sincere repentance. Repentance is God's great gift to us sinners. Without repentance, everyone would die. Lutherans and Anglicans do not have the Mystery of Repentance; schismatics, Pashkovites, and Stundists do not. What is required of a sinner is faith in Christ, in the Church, belonging to the Holy Church, sighs from the depths of the soul, tears, abstinence, heartfelt and outer prayer, consciousness of sins, contrition, almsgiving, confession of sins, their resolution, communion of the Holy Mysteries. Then pay attention to yourself, fight against all sin, avoid temptations, always pray, read the word of God. Every sinner must sincerely condemn himself for his constant betrayal of the Lord, for his infidelity to His commandments and statutes and for his addiction and indulgence in the sinful aspirations of his flesh. Sin continually deceives us in a thousand ways; a sinner constantly suffers from it and yet continues to commit sin, like a captive, drawn by skill and the power of passion. How does the enemy most often tempt us? Anger, bitterness, gluttony, intemperance, drunkenness, voluptuousness and lustful rage. You need to be constantly on guard of your thoughts and hold your reins tightly, protected by the fear of God and the consciousness and feeling of God’s presence. Lord, help us to crucify our flesh with passions and lusts, for it strongly resists Your will and our salvation. March 5th. Saturday of the First Week of Lent. The enemy secretly inspires and forces the soul to despise God and everything Divine - everything holy, good, honest, beautiful, and you learn to firmly and incessantly despise the enemy and everything that is hostile, demonic, all deceit, all sin, and to love firmly, even to death, all truth and shrine. Nikolai Peltz is a kind, diligent reader and singer, a gentle child from whom I must learn kindness, meekness and humility. That is why the disembodied enemy and the primordial murderer so attacks him in me, and sometimes scorches me with hostility towards him, and makes him unpleasant to see, especially for his one-eyedness, for which he, of course, is not guilty, and for his Jewish origin, for which he is also not guilty. And he is a wonderful Christian. And the other reader and singer, Ivan Kiselev, is also a very good person, but the enemy also arms me against him with hostility towards his small shortcomings, which he tries to inflate and exaggerate. He is sober, kind, obedient, and diligent in his work. This is God's gift to me. God's mercies to me are countless: every day, falling in secret in my soul and being fiercely wounded by demons with embitterment or various thoughts against my neighbors, for repentance, secret or open, I always receive forgiveness, mercy, peace, and freedom with boldness and, dying, I am raised from the dead, worn out - I am renewed, darkened - I am enlightened. I thank the Lord, who is patient with me and constantly has mercy on me. The Roman popes and Catholic theologians in their dogmatic errors have reached the pillars of Hercules - Nec plus ultra, it is no longer possible to go further 75. Catholicism and the papacy are shaking and undermining themselves and will decay in their corruption. Being fallible as people and having piled up a lot of lies in the Catholic theological system and especially in practice, they, as if laughing at themselves and at the truth of God, proclaimed themselves infallible, securing, as if with the seal of truth, all the incorrect innovations of the Catholic faith, admitted in previous centuries due to the division of the Churches: both the dogma of the procession of the Holy Spirit and from the Son, and the doctrine of being in unleavened bread. only the Body, but also the Blood of Christ, and the doctrine of indulgences and purgatory and so on. March 6, 1894. Sunday. Week of Orthodoxy. Sinners who did not believe and did not repent after death will be horrified by their bleak situation, having learned that the Kingdom of God was so close to them on earth - and they did not want to use it, to snatch it, according to the words of the Lord: The Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it [Matthew 11:12]. Then the bandage of delusion, with which they allowed themselves to be deceived and with which they lived and were consoled, will fall from their faces, spending time in idleness, in games, in greed, in luxury, in gluttony and drunkenness, in fornication and debauchery, in insults and oppression of the lower and poor, in stinginess and hardness of heart, in mockery of the Church and her teaching, the Sacraments, worship and holy rites. If you do not like the reproof of elders who are more experienced than you in spiritual and ordinary life, or elders in rank and title, then you are proud and selfish and have not learned the main thing in the life of a Christian - humility and self-condemnation and love for everyone, and you falsely consider as your enemies those who wish you good and correction. Correct this immediately and do not be wise in yourself and reasonable before yourself. Consider yourself inferior to everyone. March 7, 1894. In a soul in which any sin is dreamed: carnality, gluttony, fornication, malice, envy, hatred, deceit, lies, gloating, rancor, disobedience, murmuring, despair and others - separation from God and cooling towards Him and spiritual death occurs. Your iniquities have created a division between you and your God, says the prophet Isaiah to the Jews [Isaiah 59:2]. Therefore, we must firmly guard against every sin, even mental sin, and crucify our flesh with its passions and lusts. For the flesh is a city full of idols, as the Apostle Paul once noted about Athens and the Athenians [Acts 17:16]. The more the flesh is embarrassed and mortified voluntarily, the more love for God and for the future age [reigns] in the soul of the wise. In the heart of a person addicted to the world, negligence about God and spiritual things takes root, blasphemy against God and His saints nests, because a person cannot work for two masters: either he will love one and hate the other, or he will be zealous about one, but will begin to be careless about others [Matthew 6:24]. Friendship with the world is enmity against God, says the Apostle [James 4:4]. You cannot serve God and mammon, says the Lord [Matthew 6:24]. It is difficult for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven... it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God [Matthew 19:23–24]. Deacon Mikhail Soyuzov took five books of interpretations of the Most Reverend Theophan on the Epistles and one book of Peter Damascene. The Poles boast, Lord, of blowing up the future Orthodox Cathedral in Warsaw. Do not allow them, O Lord, this evil, but enlighten them and transform their violence and insolence into meekness and obedience and into commonality with us who profess Thy Orthodox faith. Raise up, Lord, the horn of the Orthodox in this country, which has been violent and disobedient from time immemorial. With bridles and bridles bind their jaws, those who do not approach You [Ps. 31:9]. January 14, 1894. (From my nephew Evdokim Fidelin, who arrived from Warsaw, I learned about the secret intention of the Poles.) To the Bezhetsky convent. Icon painting workshop. Bolshaya Okhta, Sredny Prospekt, building No. 38. January 14. Make the first issue. January 14, 1894. Timofey Danilovich Tikhonov, master of icon painting and gilding. Podolskaya street, own house number 9 in St. Petersburg. (Supplier to His Imperial Majesty's court.) March 4, 91. Khomutovskaya’s address: the provincial town of Troitsk, Penza province, at the dacha of Pustoshi Manchinskaya; Elisaveta Grigorievna Khomutovskaya or Alexandra Nikolaevna Khomutovskaya. March 4th. General [R...], Fontanka, No. 83. 1893. September 19th at two o'clock in the morning [...] from eating meat, cooked food in butter with sour cream and from sweet tea with sweet rolls with sugar. Don't eat meat. God grant! Photo of Father John from the cover of diary entries for 1896–1898 [Several initial pages of the diary are torn out. – Ed.] May 24. Repeatedly every day the Lord mercifully saves me, calling on His holy name, delivering my soul from the wounds of sins and invisible enemies, constantly fighting and goring it, many-passionate. I have seen the Lord before me, as if he is at my right hand, but let me not move... I have lifted up my eyes to the mountains, from where will my help come [Ps.15:8;120:1]. The Mother of God unceasingly prays for me to the Lord, Her Son, for my salvation and graciously looks at my struggle with sins, protecting me from the arrows of the enemy. Magnify, my soul, constantly the Mother of God, the Intercessor according to God. Long sleep relaxes and cools our soul towards God. Our soul should be as awake as possible, in a state of contemplation and action. Our enemy does not sleep and takes advantage of every opportunity of sleep and mental inaction to desecrate and relax it. Watch at all times and pray, says the Lord [Luke 21:36]. On May 25 there was a strong thunderstorm with heavy rain in Moscow (the birthday of Empress Alexandra Feodorovna) at six in the evening, and in Kronstadt on the 26th at night at one o’clock the same. God bless! How clean the air has become! How wonderfully fragrant the plants were! [Copyright at the bottom of the page, a continuation of the thought from the previous sheet, which was torn out. – Ed.]:...and our human growth [...] of faith and good deeds. Every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit... Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire [Matthew 7:17,19]. The Lord delivered me five times on July 24 from the oppression of the enemy and my sins through the prayer of my repentance: (three times) during the liturgy in the Martyshkin Church; then on the ship Motina, when [Anastastia] entered it, mediator between me and my niece Elisaveta with a letter (I am [against] her for [climbing] [...] onto the ship); then when sailing forward to St. Petersburg and back. I thank the Lord for His mercies. During the liturgy and during the liturgy, the Lord works great powers and miracles in me through His Holy Mysteries: He has mercy, forgives, cleanses, sanctifies, renews, pacifies, conquers, and gladdens the spirit. Praise the Lord. The only vital and invaluable treasure of our heart is God; it is given only to those who have renounced the world and everything in the world, and their many-passionate flesh, as an inalienable property. Clinging to the world and its transient, momentary blessings is reckless and disastrous, for they do not give life and addiction to them is the work of the devil. May 28, 1896. Tuesday. Many times today I was upset and irritated in my heart because of empty cases at those to whom I had to go to pray (due to the distance and because of other reasons), and I fell away from love for God and neighbor, enduring confusion and distress with sorrow. But faith with trust in God’s boundless mercy with sincere and secret repentance saved me every time, giving me justification, tranquility, consolation and inner contentment with the confidence of God’s forgiveness of my sins for the sake of the atoning suffering and death of the Lord Jesus Christ. I thank the Lord. But I was especially embarrassed many times because of my grief at the woman who was taking me to addresses, because she did not know how to order that Motina be sent to the steamboat operator so that he would not wait for me in St. Petersburg, but would go to Oranienbaum, since I had to ride horses to Oranienbaum, and not go by steamer to Kronstadt. Many times I resorted to God in sincere repentance, and the Lord soon gave me forgiveness, peace, freedom and satisfaction. I thank the Lord a hundredfold, who has been kind to me, who miraculously and quickly intervenes and saves my weakness, who makes me healthy in soul and body. Our God, the God of mercy and salvation. Our fallen nature is most often disposed to sin through pride, selfishness, gluttony, impatience, irritation, bitterness, disobedience, waywardness, pride, contempt, fornication, despondency, and cowardice. Everyone pay attention to yourself and constantly keep a check on your thoughts, feelings, aspirations and trust the Gospel of the Lord with your entire inner and outer life. God knows him in his troubles, and always stands up for him [Ps. 47, 4]. The Lord is known to me daily through His intercession and mercy towards me in my spiritual hardships, in my sins, in my repentance and deliverance from sins. Send money to the Lesninsky Monastery. I thank the Lord, who punished and admonished me with distress and embarrassment over my irritation with Xenia, who invited me to visit the sick Evdokia with the Life-Giving Mysteries. I sinned against the Lord through self-love, self-indulgence, gluttony, laziness, pride, contempt, disobedience and rebellion, malice, anger, envy. I am ready to go to dinner parties with joy and to please and flatter rich and noble people, but I am not ready for the poor, the humble, the sick, I am lazy and careless, angry and contemptuous. I expose and scourge myself, my evil conscience. Have mercy on me, Lord, and correct me, who has been arrogant, who has indulged in malice, and who has reproached and offended the poor. The psalmist says about sinners that they went astray from their mother’s womb, were alienated from the Lord from the most false, leaving God from the swaddling clothes [Ps. 57:4], and this alienation takes place in a person [of little faith] or an unbeliever incessantly with the strongest assistance of the spirits of evil through various passions warring in a person. One view, one object, one face, to whom a person... [Several sheets of the diary are torn out. – Ed.] Why are you surprised? Is it the simplicity or the greatness of the Mystery of the Body and Blood of Christ? Is it natural for the visible, tangible and tasted forms of the Sacrament or supernaturalism, wisdom, redemption, wonderful truth and holiness of them, justifying and sanctifying with faith those who partake, life-giving [their] and incorruptibility, felt by the whole being of soul and body by the participants? Presentation Day... The Lord Jesus Christ, the Infant forty days old, was brought by His Mother, according to the law of Moses, into the church of God to be dedicated to God as a man and to offer a sacrifice to God - two chicks of doves [Lev.12:8]. The church in the old law was a place of prayer, consecration and sacrifice for God's chosen Jewish people. In infancy, after forty days from birth, our mother also brings us to the church in the presence of God for dedication to God and as a sign that we should visit the church of God as often as possible during our life's journey for sanctification, prayer, repentance, communion and in all the sorrows and joys of life, for from the church we are given every grace, every perfect gift [James 1:17] and through prayer and the Sacraments in the church we are well-ordered Our life is according to the Spirit of Christ, according to the Spirit of holiness. This shows the importance of the church for a Christian. Without a church it is impossible to be saved, without prayer, without the Sacraments, without the spiritual guidance of God-appointed and God-wise shepherds. Hence, the destructive error of the schismatics, Pashkovites, Tolstoyans, Stundists, who follow their absurd teachers and reject the consecrated church, prayer, holy icons, holy Sacraments and the priesthood, indicated and established by God Himself, the apostles and holy fathers, is obvious. The significance of the church for the Jews in the Old Testament was great; The church is even more important in the New Testament, when the Lord Jesus Christ Himself pointed out its importance with His frequent visits to the Jerusalem Temple and conversations in it, and when He Himself indicated in the Zion upper room the necessary accessory for Christians of the consecrated church to perform the Sacraments. We will dedicate ourselves, our mind, our heart, our will, our body, our whole being to God. Until February 6, 1897 there were severe frosts, seventeen and eighteen degrees; On the same date, a thaw began with a strong southwest wind. How long will it last? Thank God for all the atmospheric changes. The flow of scrofulous matter from the left ear increased. Thank God for the purification of the blood, and the voice began to disappear. A Word for the Week about the Prodigal Son. The parable depicts the passion for fornication that prevails in people of all ranks, conditions and classes. To justify the Creator and to blame myself and humanity, for I am the first fornicator from my youth, although even now I am strengthened and keep clean, or try to keep the purity of my soul and body by the grace of God. Every sin is absurd, shameful, shameful, disastrous. The fight against him is the most intense, constant, victorious in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ; perfect humility of heart, humiliation of oneself (damned az!), recognition of neighbors as better than oneself, that is, us. On the Sunday of the Prodigal Son. The parable depicts all of prodigal humanity. All people are especially prone to fornication, except for a select few who have been virgins from their youth. Many great people fell into fornication, like David, Solomon, Sampson. The pagans idolized Aphrodite and honored her with abominations. Demons of fornication especially irritate voluptuous humanity and are therefore called unclean, foul and disgusting spirits. Wonderful thing! The most important act in the life of a man and a woman, which should be [sacred] and an object of reverence, is turned by sinful, fallen humanity into an occasion for uncleanness, desecration and corruption. February 10, 1897. With the onset of warm, foggy and rainy weather, scrofulous matter began to flow from my left ear, and my throat completely collapsed and I became voiceless for three days - an extremely painful moral condition, since on Sunday, February 9, I absolutely could not read, sing, or speak exclamations. This is what happens from time to time due to scrofula. It’s also good that it didn’t [fall] on my eyes or on my heart, on my lungs - then it would have been even worse. A difficult test for the soul. I believe that it was my fault too: satiation from eating a lot of treats in different houses. Forgive me, Lord! February 24. Resurrection. Conspiracy. I sinned before the Lord by envying the praise of Archpriest Konstantin I. Vetvenitsky in the descriptions of his anniversary celebration and internally not recognizing his expressed praises and humiliating and despising him in the thoughts of my heart - him whom I knew as a boy. And he is my nephew on my wife’s side, the branch of pious parents - Archpriest Father John Vetvenitsky and mother Ekaterina Konstantinovna (nee Nesvitskaya, like my wife). I should have rejoiced at his honor and exaltation according to his dignity, according to the correct assessment of his colleagues, but I was saddened, cursed, foolish, and despised and hated him. You have sinned, you ridiculous one! You shake off my corruption, Lord, expelling the corpse's liquid parts from my body, and, as in an alkali, you wash away my vision through the abundant flow of scrofulous matter from their openings, and you make the openings of the ears and eyes sources of corruption, after which everything becomes easy for me. But while this is happening, how difficult it is to endure this current of stinking moisture! The organ of vision becomes disfigured, swells, is filled with pus, it is difficult to see, and strength weakens. Lenten food with its vegetable oil and mealy and mushroom foods adversely affects the blood and the body. For the sake of scrofula, you can allow yourself, with the blessing of the bishop, to eat a quick soup without meat and eggs so that the body produces healthy juices. February 10, 1897. I am convinced by spiritual experience and the direction of God that those who thirst for the grace of communion of the Holy Mysteries of women, especially widows and chaste maidens, must receive communion often with joy, meekness and love and not be burdened, not envy them and not be stingy and hard-hearted towards them, as often happened. The Lord admonished me with secret punishments regarding this, for I indulged in impatience, bitterness, hardness of heart, some kind of envy and stinginess when distributing the Holy Gifts. What does a penitent need? Consciousness of sins, their madness, absurdity, shame, corruption, destruction, separation from God - the source of life - fear of eternal torment. It is necessary to curb the lusts of the belly and loins. Where did the scourge of sin begin? - From the lust of the forbidden fruit. Where does sin most often begin today? – From unbridled lust: adolescents, young men and adults are first of all tempted into sexual pleasures, into voluptuousness and corrupt themselves from their youth, male and female, becoming sick mentally and physically, weak, pale, boring. Where do you get hostility and strife? Is it not from here, from your lusts that war in your members? [James 4:1]. Every earthly lust is the seed of corruption, sin: the lust for wealth, bright clothes, power over others, the lust for luxury in the furnishings of homes, and so on. A Christian must have his own heart and philosophize above, take care of imperishable blessings, and store up treasures for the future. A Christian should remember more often his rebirth 4 and baptism, the bath of rebirth, his renewal by water and the Spirit, his birth from God into heavenly life, the vows given to God by us through his successors, the pledge of the Holy Spirit, and to be a special person, a child of God, God’s portion. Where the voluptuousness of the flesh begins, the falling away from God also begins; where love for the world begins and reigns, there enmity against God begins and grows stronger. It is impossible to serve two masters: God and mammon [Matthew 6:24; Luke 16:13]. Are you in a spiritual connection with the all-righteous and all-ruling principle - God? If you live in constant internal connection (union - religion) with Him through faith, repentance and virtue, then good will be for you both here and there, in eternity, the land of incorruptibility and immortality. The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven, according to the word of the Lord, which a woman took and put in three measures of flour until it was all leavened [Matthew 13:33]. By kvass we must understand the grace of Christ given to all Orthodox Christians in the Church: the grace of Baptism, Confirmation, Repentance, especially communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. In this last sense, one can understand and see the Sacrament - leavened bread, consumed throughout the entire Orthodox Church, transformed by the Holy Spirit into the Body of Christ, and by three measures of torment one should understand the three forces of our soul: understanding, heart, or feeling, and will, a trinity in unity, for the soul is one, and these three forces constitute its indivisible essence. They are corrupted by sin, desecrated, having received an evil direction through sin, and the Church tries to recreate them, cleanse them, enlighten them, renew them, strengthen them through faith and virtue, to which a person must constantly force himself, for the Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force and strong seekers acquire it [Matthew 11:12]. February 27, 1897. Thursday of the First Week of Lent. Non-Orthodox members of the reigning house cannot be called members of the Orthodox Church of Christ and cannot call the Mother of God their Lady, because they are not members of the grace-filled Kingdom of Christ: they are alien to Her in faith and in spirit. Lutherans do not venerate saints. Likewise, all Catholics and Lutherans, like Anglicans, cannot call the Mother of God their Queen and Lady. By violating the first commandment, man sold himself to the enemy. 1. The aphid of sin has entered humanity very deeply, into the very depths of souls, and man needs the greatest supernatural help from God and the most diligent and constant efforts on his part to alienate himself from sin - in prayer, attention to himself, abstinence, fasting and good deeds; Man's entire being is permeated with sin and the corruption of sin. 2. The enemy is awake and active in people continually, seeking, like a lion, whom he may devour [1 Peter 5:8]; it must be resisted with firm faith and constancy. 3. Christ came to earth for our redemption; teaching, baptism - our rebirth; our confirmation in confirmation; our renunciations, vows, their omnipotent fulfillment; we are members of Christ and the Church; we are the holy and chosen flock; We, soldiers of Christ with the flesh, the adulterous world and the devil, must resist all passions and overcome them. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire [Luke 3:9]. This is a parable: under the tree there is of course a man; under the good fruit are the good deeds for which we were created; beating is a death sentence, or deprivation of temporary life; By fire we mean fiery Gehenna, or eternal torment, unquenchable fire, to which all evil, crafty, vile spirits - demons - are condemned. God's righteous scourge threatens people - a pestilence coming from great India 76; the mortality caused by this ulcer is no less than the mortality caused by war. We must be prepared for every visit from God and, most importantly, we must always repent of our sins, for the wrath of God punishes people for multiplying their sins. If you do not repent, you will all perish in the same way, says the Lord [Luke 13:3]. Now is the time of repentance - Lent; do not miss without benefit for the soul this saving time and the establishment of the church and God’s definition - it is determined for our correction and salvation. What immeasurable goodness, wisdom and truth of God were revealed in giving us the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ! What condescension! What have we been awarded through them, what salvation, purification, sanctification, renewal! What an honor - the honor of deification, union, merging with the Divine! For through the communion of the most pure Body and Blood of Christ we become flesh of His flesh and bone of His bones and become terrible for demons, if only we firmly keep this gift of God within ourselves and are not, as before, frivolous and greedy and susceptible to sin: selfishness, malice, anger, envy, intemperance, fornication, lies, deceit and deceit, stinginess, greed and cruelty towards our neighbors. You, sinner, are throwing into the mud the royal portrait, or the image of God, your soul. What audacity! What madness! Nonsense! What inattention! A man who is ignorant of honor is like the foolish cattle and becomes like them [Ps. 48:13]. March 27th, 1897. The property of sin (according to the devil’s intention) is to distort, revile, imagine, imagine, [...], intend, undertake, speak and do incorrectly, in general, to pervert, if possible, the moral order or the laws established by God the All-Creator. Thus, the devil distorted people’s concept of God and taught them absurd idolatry, which still exists among many nations. Thus, through crafty and proud people, he managed to pervert the divinely revealed faith of Christ and gave rise to many heresies and schisms, divided Christians into many dissenting camps, often hating the true Christian faith in the world, the Orthodox, and among the Orthodox themselves he created and is producing lack of faith, unbelief, schisms and absurd teachings (like Tolstoyism, Pashkovism, Stunda) or coldness towards faith and the Church of the True Believers. He, the devil, perverted the concept of the purpose and purpose of life, turning the gaze of many Christians away from heaven and eternal life and riveting their eyes and hearts only to a temporary, testing, preparatory life, which many consider to be the only one, and the future as if it does not exist; and from here he tied the eyes and hearts of people to temporary goods, perishable and fleeting: to food, drink, clothing, to earthly distinctions, to perishable wealth, to material, physical beauty; perverted in man the purpose and purpose of the five bodily senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell, touch; taught to look seductively at the organs and members of the body and perverted the senses of vision seductively 77 and to look adulterously at many things: teaching taste to excessive delicacy and drunkenness or senseless, constant, harmful smoking of tobacco; made the sense of touch passionate, unclean; the ear has accustomed the undead to light secular sounds that relax the soul; perverted the relationship of people to each other, making many stingy in relation to their neighbors, selfish, hard-hearted, partial, prodigal, evil, proud, envious, crafty, unkind, malicious, malicious. And hence the duty of every Christian saint is to constantly listen to his thoughts and feelings, or to constantly curb his vain and sinful thoughts, desires, intentions, to curb his sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch, his passions and use them for the glory of God and for his own good. More about the same thing: instead of [mutual] love, the enemy sowed in people hostility, hatred, malice, envy, gloating, rancor, or instead of pure love, he planted in people unclean, carnal love, passionate, corrupt, ungodly; He made all feelings instruments of sin, not truth, evil, not good, wickedness, not simplicity and truth, and therefore we should all try to make them instruments of good and holiness and become like the good God, and not His and our evil enemy. The enemy has intensified carnal feelings and lusts, sexual aspirations in many to the point of rage and extreme intemperance and perversion, such as: the need for food and drink in drunkards and lust for prodigy in both sexes - and what was created by the all-wise and pure Creator as an incentive and encouragement and a means to multiply and continue the human race, is turned by the lustful into a means to shorten the race and life and to corruption of the sinner himself and to temporary and eternal destruction, to desecration, corruption and final removal from the All-Holy Creator. The Lord God serves you daily, man, bringing out for you the all-illuminating and all-enlightening sun during the day and the moon and stars at night, growing for you many different tasty and healthy fruits for your nutrition and enjoyment; established for you a saving Church with Divine teaching and Sacraments; He is constantly training you for His Kingdom. You yourself must diligently serve your Creator for the well-being of yourself and your neighbors and completely obey His all-good, wise and righteous laws. The benefits of the future life promised to you exceed all your expectations - they are so great; For your eternal bliss, will you not renounce carnal, coarse, harmful and unclean pleasures and devote yourself entirely to serving God? Remember all the saints, how they loved God, how they labored, how they pleased God, and how the Lord rewarded them - and imitate them in your strength. Listen, Christian soul: the Lord has honored you with the greatest love and honor; He betrothed you to Him, like a bride to a groom, with an incorruptible, spiritual, immaculate, eternal, blessed betrothal, and you must remain faithful to Him every day and hour until your last breath on earth, and there, in eternity, you will remain forever safe and everlasting, everlasting. This age is short - it redeems eternity. Don’t slumber, don’t relax, don’t change, don’t be defiled by earthly, carnal passions. Pray, fast, do good deeds. Sin pursues a person incessantly, both day and night, and a person’s inclinations towards known sins, for example, fornication, gluttony, greed, covetousness, appear to him even in a sleepy dream: he imagines seductive pictures or views of people, for example women, or tables with dishes, or money lying on the ground that he greedily collects, and similar views; and with these views the soul is seduced and is alien to the desires of heavenly, holy, Divine. Who knows? Why are we often seduced by earthly things? Because we love the flesh and the world very much and do not care about the immortal soul; because we love to eat sweetly, drink, dress elegantly, satisfy the voluptuousness of the flesh, but we do not engage in the thought of God and spiritual contemplation. Examining myself impartially, I find that I live more in the flesh than in the spirit, devoted to self-love, self-indulgence, man-pleasing, servility, vain fear of humans and demons, gluttony, laziness, sleep, and meanwhile I must endure the weaknesses of the powerless and not please myself [Rom. 15:1]: lovingly visiting the sick and praying for them, sincerely sympathize with them, console them, admonish them willingly and with love with the Holy Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ, alleviate their sorrows and suffering in every possible way, feed, drink, clothe them, give them rest, while I do this reluctantly, with grumbling and annoyance. Sin gains strength and victory over people with its charm, violence, and constancy in the pursuit of its victim. The aphid of sin at first is very sweet for the voluptuous flesh, and a person, not wounded by the high, incorruptible, pure love for virtue and for his Creator, easily succumbs to the bait of delusion, carnality and lust, or false mental and physical satisfaction. Therefore, sinful sweetness must be overcome with spiritual, incorruptible, peaceful, eternal, most excellent sweetness, and the attraction to earthly, corruptible beauty - with the attraction to heavenly, imperishable, imperishable beauty. We all need to understand the plans against us of our bodiless enemies, wise for evil and temptation to sin. These intentions and the whole purpose of their incessant intrigues over us are as follows: to defile a person, to corrupt the soul and body, to cool oneself towards God and neighbor, or to alienate oneself from God and from each other, to turn one away from holy love and all virtue, to disturb the soul, to bind it, to take it captive, to set it up against God and the Church, to make it like oneself and forever cast into hell for the eternal torment prepared for him and to his angels. Do Christians know and remember this? Explain to penitents the concept of the body of the Church, of which they are members and temples of the Holy Spirit, show the duty to keep their bodies and souls in holiness and honor and not indulge in lusts that corrupt soul and body. The appearance of spring in nature: an abundance of light, a shortening of the night, a decrease in cold, an increase in solar warmth, the awakening of plant and vitality in plants. There is also a spiritual spring: warm repentance of Christian souls, manifestation of light in souls, approaching Christ and Christ to repentant souls, tearful rain, tearful sighs of repentance. March 4th. I deeply grieve, cry and sob about the terrible plague of sin, corrupting humanity, which suffers in immeasurable, indescribable, diverse ways, about the charm of sin, with which humanity is captivated and works for the enemy, and even boasts of its slavery and is consoled as if by some kind of profit. But at the same time I rejoice, and I am blessed, and I applaud when I think and imagine that Divine help that is [given] to us by the will of the Creator in giving the great Savior and God to the entire human race and in planting on earth the Church of God, saving the human race by the wonderful [grace] of God. Your love for God will be recognized in this when you willingly bear the infirmities of the weak and do not please yourself [Rom. 15:1], [the idol] of selfishness, self-pity, gluttony and covetousness, when you are meek, humble, simple, kind, kind to everyone and obedient, unenviable, self-controlled, chaste, compassionate and merciful. Grant, Lord, that I always be like this. (Take diligently to your spiritual education, for which you...) A Christian must absolutely take care of his spiritual education, for which he was born, and reborn in the holy font by the Holy Spirit, and received spiritual rebirth, and was sealed with the world, or the seal of the Holy Spirit, and was awarded the right to partake of the most pure Body and Blood of Christ. According to God's intention, the Holy Church is the first and most legitimate educator of Christian souls. There is no more important matter than the matter of Christian education. Judge and understand for yourself how dear these rational, immortal souls are, redeemed by the Blood of the Son of God Himself, called from the darkness of ignorance to the light of knowledge of God by the Lord Himself, betrothed and united to the Lord as pure virgins to the Most Pure Bridegroom! How dear is the salvation of these souls, to whom He offers His most pure Body and most pure Blood as food and drink, whom He Himself undertook to educate spiritually through these wondrous, terrible, life-giving and idolizing Mysteries! All of you, brothers and sisters, take up your spiritual education with all attention and diligence; engage in contemplation of God, prayer, self-examination, self-condemnation, comprehensive self-correction, practice the virtues of meekness, humility, obedience, patience, mercy, abstinence, chastity, simplicity, kindness, and cut off all sinful thoughts, lusts, habits, passions. All our sins come mainly from self-love, pride, self-pity, self-indulgence, carnality; The cause of all evil nests in the flesh, just as it happened in the first people. Therefore, in order to successfully begin and continue self-education for God, you must first of all self-sacrifice, you need the crucifixion of the flesh with passions and lusts. This is what all our reverend fathers did: first of all, they taught themselves abstinence, vigil, prayer, obedience, labor, meekness, humility; The martyrs did not spare themselves even to the point of death for Christ. It pleased our Creator and Hero to determine from the beginning that the time of our earthly life should be a time of preparation for eternity, a time of learning, a time of struggle and exploits, a time of spiritual war, and not a time of inaction, idleness and vanity, and that our future immortal state would be a state of reward: either glory and eternal bliss, or a state of eternal dishonor and terrible torment for inaction, laziness, negligence and countless sins. So, brothers and sisters, choose for yourself what you want: either warfare and heroism, or laziness and spiritual captivity. To him who overcomes I will give to sit with Me... [Rev.3:21]. Man, created in the image and likeness of God free, rational, blessed, obliged for his own good, as a limited creature, to obey his all-perfect Creator with his free will, foolishly abandoned obedience to Him, deceived by the envious and adversary of God Satan, and from under the meek, blissful dominion fell under the power of the fierce ruler of the world... To the conqueror... You are in captivity, man, in a shameful, disastrous, terrible captivity - in captivity of sin, in captivity of the devil, in captivity that can be eternal, terrible. And you yourself have given yourself up and are giving yourself up into this captivity. And you were at first holy, free, immortal and blessed, when you were created by God in the image and likeness of God and received an easy commandment, through the fulfillment of which you could be eternally blessed and free from the enemy. Now it is determined for you to win your freedom yourself and return the invaluable treasure you have lost - the likeness of God and blessed immortality - with the help of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ Himself, who was pleased to defeat the enemy, conqueror and adversary of our devil, and to give us the strength to defeat him and return the righteousness we have lost. Conquer yourself in everything, every day, every minute; bitterness, hostility towards your neighbor carries you away - conquer it, don’t give in to it, don’t follow it, try to love him; envy attracts - defeat it, do not follow it - and try to sincerely wish the best for your neighbor; unclean thoughts, unclean lust carry you away - drive them away and remember in what holiness man was created and in what purity and truth he must live according to the Creator's intention as an animated church of God, as the house of the Creator of creation - and so fight all passions, defeat them. The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven, which a woman took and hid in three measures of flour until it was all leavened [Matthew 13:33] (leavened bread being transformed into the Body of Christ). The Kingdom of Heaven is like a net that was thrown into the sea and captured fish of all kinds; A small tree is easy to pull out of the ground, but a large one is difficult. The devil in one demoniac, when expelling him, shouted: “I can’t get out: I’ve grown, I’ve become big”; however, with intense prayers, he left. [You see]: even the evil spirits that have taken possession of a person grow and strengthen with time and skill. Remember the all-seeing and unforgettable eye of the terrible All-Seer - God and be afraid to sin in His face. He sees and knows everything and will judge everything. Remember the terrible river of fire flowing before the terrible Judgment, and the eternal burning in the fire of Gehenna. The speed and contagiousness, the stickiness of the sin of pride, envy, fornication, gluttony, smoking, drunkenness. At the Judgment you will find out in what venerable, venerable and holy union you were, church, heavenly and earthly, and how unworthy you were of it; What strong intercessors could you have before God for your salvation and, due to your unbelief, pride, corruption, did not call on them for help, relying in everything on yourself, on your stupid and short-sighted, passionate mind. I must decisively and radically change my soul. Until now, I had been irritated and angry with many of the sick poor people of the city, who often invited me to their houses, apartments, or guest rooms; Now I must joyfully, humbly, willingly rush to them and consider this a great happiness bestowed by God. Do you see this wonderful harmony, or agreement, the order of creatures great and small throughout the universe, their harmonious flow and life, do you see the wonderful order of all creation - and in your being, in your soul and in your body, may there always be order and harmony of all forces with constant obedience to the laws of the Creator and Provider. [Prayer] before the prayer service in the palace [composition]. I marvel at the immeasurable kindness and long-suffering of the Lord God towards me, a sinner, who is always gracious and quick to obey the prayer of my repentance and who continually delivers me from my countless passions and sorrows; I marvel at His almighty power, before which no tormenting power of sin and fierce hell, ready to devour me at any hour, a damned sinner, darkened and carried away by the darkness of passions, can stand. I thank the Lord, who has given me and all people who want to be saved the all-saving and invaluable gift of repentance and forgiveness of an innumerable multitude of sins and who makes us glad with forgiveness and forsaking them and who grants salvation to rebirth, righteousness, peace, freedom, boldness. Tell the all-good, all-powerful and all-healing Physician of souls and bodies, the Lord, what sinful ulcers and ailments you suffer from - and there are so many, many of them that it is difficult to count; remember them, ask the Lord for heart illumination, enlightenment, knowledge of them, sighs, tears, and you will receive a wealth of mercy, healing, health, peace, silence, freedom and grace, for the Heavenly Physician is always ready to have mercy and heal us, to soften and bind our spiritual wounds. Guard your heart above all else, for from it are the springs of life [Proverbs 4:23]. Take care of your heart especially in the sense of not allowing earthly passionate lusts to reach it, for even one momentary lust defiles the soul and separates it from God. Try constantly to ensure that it gravitates towards heaven, and not towards earth, towards God, and not towards Belial, so that it desires incorruptibility, love and virtue, meekness and humility, simplicity and gentleness, and not earthly, albeit brilliant or sweet, decay. We are in constant danger from earthly lusts: the sinful man clings to everything forbidden; Protect your heart from anger, malice and envy, pride, arrogance, [arrogance] and exaltation of yourself over others. Man, created in the image and likeness of God with an immortal, rational and free soul and exalted immeasurably above all unreasonable creatures, at the same time destined for eternal bliss for keeping the commandments of God and subordinating his young, limited will to the infinitely perfect, wise and all-good will of God, through inattention, self-love and ingratitude fell into the sin of disobedience, pride, waywardness, seduced by the forbidden fruit. From that time on, humanity fell into captivity of the first apostate, the devil, who, having diverted the thoughts and hearts of people from the one Creator of existence and all blessings - from God, turned these thoughts and hearts to earthly, corruptible goods, created by God for the benefit and pleasure of man, and instilled in their hearts guile, unbelief, ingratitude, malice, envy, the desire for earthly and corruptible things. The human soul is spiritual and simple, it cannot work for two masters: God and the world, incorruption and corruption, good and evil; if he loves the world, then he is enmity against God, for love for this world is enmity against God [James 4:4]; In order to turn a person away from the love of God, holiness and truth, the enemy insidiously and by force directs the thoughts and heart of a person who has little understanding and passion for the world, for earthly, impure love, for earthly splendor, for earthly, especially female, sweetness, for earthly beauty. Therefore, those who wish to sincerely serve and please God must despise worldly pleasures, worldly wealth, worldly decorations and turn their whole heart to heavenly, heavenly, imperishable pleasures, to heavenly, imperishable beauty, to the unevening light. Grace has exalted the priest to the level of an earthly angel, the performer of the life-giving and terrible Mysteries of God, the reconciler of creatures with the Creator, the enlightener of souls with intelligent light, [made] a mediator between God and fallen man, a deified and deified of the faithful through the Sacraments - and he must understand this, feel and for this thank and glorify God and try to correspond to God’s intentions for him and for people. Meanwhile, there are few priests who are aware of the full height of their ministry, trying to correspond to God’s intentions for them and for their flock: and they, like the laity, are seduced by earthly life, earthly wealth and pleasures, care little about the spiritual interests of themselves and their flocks, are carried away by earthly thoughts, carnal passions and fall deeply from the height of their calling; and thus the devil, the original enemy of God and men, laughs at us, humiliates us to the extreme, opposes the works of God and destroys many people. How necessary it is to despise a world hostile to God and all its delights, to despise one’s corruptible and multi-passionate flesh and to always contemplate grief. He who has ears to hear, let him hear! [Matthew 11:15]. March 13, 97. March 14. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to compose a prayer to be said in the Winter Imperial Palace in a meeting of eminent people on the occasion of a meeting of the general members of the guardianship of labor houses and workhouses. It will be read on March 15th. Did Zaitsevskaya [remain] with the reliquary with the relics or did Euphrosyne? Because of our addiction to the multi-passionate flesh and to the world, we betray God at every step, turn away from Him, are wounded by the deadly love of earthly goods, beauties, pleasures, earthly luxury, splendor, and towards God we become cold, careless, alien, and this is terrible! What if the Judge comes to judgment now and finds us unprepared? On the evening of March 16, from Saturday to Sunday (Worship of the Cross), a thick haze covered the entire sea and the entire Kronstadt; The air became so thick that it was difficult to breathe. I was choking; I didn’t open the window at night; slept well. I thank the Lord. What is more desirable than the Lord? Who and what is more beautiful than the Lord? Who is worthy of complete heartfelt love, unceasingly, forever, for eternity? Who else but the Lord? What do we cling to with our hearts? What and who do we love and how do we love? Is this true love? Isn’t she ghostly, isn’t she hypocritical, isn’t she carnal and sinful? Isn't it a minute? Let us turn our entire love to the Lord and reject vain love, as the saints did and did. Guard your heart above all else, for from it are the springs of life [Proverbs 4:23]. Protect your heart in every possible way from sinful, carnal lusts, which bring with them defilement, confusion, darkness, slavery, corruption. Sin creeps in most conveniently through our carnal lust, for the flesh loves sweetness and corruption very easily creeps in through carnal sweetness. This week was the veneration of the Honest and Life-giving Cross of the Lord (with sacred chants in which the extreme goodness and condescension of the Creator towards His creatures and His terrible exhaustion in the passions of the cross and death for the human race are glorified). The Holy Church teaches us all an important lesson through this ritual of worshiping the Cross during the days of fasting and fasting. Pay attention. For all of us, the Lord was crucified in His sinless flesh, for us, with soul and body, He endured terrible passions, death and burial, for He Himself was innocent and sinless, holy and holy as the God-man. According to God’s infinite truth, we, all people, would have to suffer forever in soul and body, enduring eternal damnation and torment, since we have endlessly insulted and continue to insult our Creator and Benefactor with our iniquities. But the Lord took pity on us out of His immeasurable mercy and did not allow the devil to forever torment the sinful human race, and came miraculously to save us, took upon Himself the sins of the world and the curse that weighed on the entire human race, He Himself bore all the severity and all the severity of the righteous wrath of the Heavenly Father for our sins and deigned to subject our flesh, taken seedless from the Most Pure Virgin, to terrible torment the godfather, since we sinned with the flesh in Adam through disobedience and eating the forbidden fruit, and then all humanity began to sin in the flesh through the satisfaction of many carnal passions, and gave us the commandment to deny ourselves and crucify the flesh with passions and lusts [Matthew 16:24, etc.]. Intemperance and disobedience to the commandment of the Creator of Adam and Eve was the beginning and seed of all the sins of mankind, with which it suffers and decays to this day, in which it is drowning to this day; the intemperance and disobedience of Adam and Eve gave rise to every [disobedience] and intemperance of the human race: pride, selfishness, carnal pleasure, voluptuousness, fornication, atheism, deification of oneself in one’s passions, idolatry, greed, intemperance, drunkenness, murder, suicide, lies, deception, wickedness, envy, ill will, malice, gloating, rancor, hypocrisy, partiality, hard-heartedness, unmercifulness, the desire exclusively for earthly wealth, pleasures, glory and falling away from heavenly blessings, from all the virtues that testify to the image and likeness of man. Man became flesh and not spirit: My spirit should not abide in these men... the zone is flesh [Gen.6:3]. This is the character of human life and the morals of the ancient people, before the flood; They didn’t become any better later; many are no better now, or even worse. Nowadays there is only an external Christianity - the majority do not have an internal one. This is evidenced by both the morals and writing (literature) of contemporaries; Flesh and the flesh with its passions reign everywhere, and the true Christian spirit must be sought during the day with fire. Hence the Cross of Christ is a great teacher and accuser for everyone, and for me above all. Great iniquities begin with small sins: if this young man had not tasted a certain sin, if he had not been seduced by carnal, prodigal sweetness, he would not have become exhausted, weak, and like an old man before his time; if he had not tasted wine untimely and immoderately, he would not have become a drunkard, [unbearable] for the family and for everyone around him; a thief would not be a great thief if he had initially refrained from a minor theft. The devil pursues us with persistence, constancy, and violence with all kinds of sins: with nasty, crafty and blasphemous thoughts, and pride, and arrogance, and bitterness, and hatred of one’s neighbor, or contempt and contempt, and envy, and hard-heartedness, and stinginess, and love of money, intemperance, and drunkenness, and theft, servility, indulgence and indulgence in sins, and laziness and despondency, unbelief, lack of faith, grumbling, despair, desire for suicide, infidelity, perfidy, treason, slander and false witness, slander and swearing, foul language, blasphemy, mockery. A Christian man must fight all sins, hate them and try to love God, to whom he has become alien through the repetition of sins, and love virtue, which he previously neglected, despised and ridiculed of those who do good. Turn away from evil and do good [Ps.33:15]. The destroying enemy, having captivated man with carnal lust, the lust of the womb and [divine] knowledge, planted countless seeds of passions in his soul and body, clinging man’s heart to the visible world and turning his heart’s eyes away from God and from contemplating the beauty of the invisible world and various virtues, so that man is, as it were, tied to this world by thousands of strong ropes, or chains, which he cannot break. without the special assistance of God's grace, which is acquired through repentance and prayer of faith and many tears. There is no absurdity, abomination, disgust, disgrace, madness, lewdness, blasphemy, perversion of the natural order, which Satan would not put into the mind and heart of a person in order to confuse, defile, frighten, strike him with despondency and despair, or induce him to commit any sin, the most absurd and murderous. Many are forced to cry because of his blasphemies, annoyingly creeping into their minds and hearts. He who understands what is going on will blow and spit on the evil spirits who inspire him with absurdities, and will defeat them in the name of Jesus and the power of the Cross. March 26. The streams have overflowed, the rivers are diverging, and my scrofula is overflowing and overflowing its banks, flowing through the ears and eye opening. And the mercies of the Lord pour into me continually. All of humanity is constantly and strongly attracted to sin in all forms and experiences its consequences: confusion, contrition, sorrow, hardship and all sorts of disasters with final death. There is only one Deliverer from this all-destructive sin - the Lord Jesus Christ. But how little faith people have in Him! How many scoffers of His holiness and truth! How many teachings are contrary to His teaching! March 27, 1897. One o'clock in the morning. Every sin flatters, stings, confuses, oppresses, darkens, rapes my soul. It requires unceasing attention to yourself, to your thoughts, feelings, desires; it requires a constant struggle of the entire inner person, prayer to the Lord with repentance from the bottom of your heart, knowledge of the charm and destruction of sin, hatred of it, awareness of its absurdity and madness - and then the soul will overcome sin. And what peace of mind will follow! What sweetness of soul! What freedom, strength of spirit! What light enlightens the soul! This is what a person needs: to fear God and keep His commandments, for this is everything for a person, this is his life, peace, contentment, strength, light, all good, all happiness. Every sin takes precedence over people devoted to this world, with its darkness, its charm, its violence and compulsion, its persistence and constancy of action in reality and in dreams. Therefore, a Christian needs constant attention to himself, repentance, humility, prayer, abstinence. For the demonic race, which constantly confuses us with various sins, comes out only through prayer and fasting [Matthew 17:21; Mark 9:29]. Lord, help us for Thy name's sake. 27 March 97. Do you see this wonderful harmony of creatures great and small throughout the universe, do you see the wonderful structure of all creation, established by the laws of the Creator? - and you be in harmony, in agreement with the eternal, wise and righteous laws of the all-good Creator, destined for you before your creation and the human race; be in harmony with your conscience, with people as far as the eternal laws of God are concerned. And you will be happy both here and in eternity. The enemy of the human race wants and is strengthening at the very root and source of human life to corrupt, defile and destroy the human race through increased lust and the desire for fornication and adultery in all forms: misogyny, sodomy, bestiality, bird sex, masturbation, acting seductively on human lust through sight, touch, imagination, memory, through sweets. food and drink or stimulants. Keep your heart above all else, says the Wise One, because from it are the sources of life [Proverbs 4:23]; watch, keep your lust, man, your feeling, your love and turn and direct them to persons or objects worthy of true, holy, immaculate, incorruptible, peaceful, life-giving, eternal love: turn your spiritual lusts and love to God, to the holy, incorruptible, truly beautiful and desired celestial beings. Fallen, unclean spirits, knowing well our purpose to love God and all that is holy, our purpose to eternal bliss, strive in every possible way to pervert our heartfelt aspirations, our lusts and turn them to the most unworthy, earthly, corruptible objects and defile and corrupt the offspring of fallen Adam in the very source of life. Take care of your lusts, your feelings and turn them to God, our true life, our true sweetness and the source of all beauty, who never fails and abides in eternal beauty, who can adorn you with all incorruptible beauty and delight you with endless sweetness in the sight of His infinite kindness and the beauty of His face. April 12, 1897. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to live until the Easter light-bearing night. It's half past ten in the evening. Got ready for Easter Matins. May God grant that we glorify the risen Life-Giver with a pure heart and spend the entire Easter week in spiritual joy, unclouded by anything. Remember, O Lord, in Your Kingdom the Greeks who are at war and defeated by the Turks, who from ancient times have professed Your Orthodox faith. May the opponents and enemies of Orthodoxy not rejoice over them! Wake up! April 18. Happy Friday. Sin [strives] to constantly bring itself into action in every person, especially the Christianly unenlightened one, strives, I repeat, to bring itself into action in all kinds of sinful forms and passions: in laziness, gluttony, delicacy, drunkenness with wine, in self-love, unbrotherly love, hostility, malice, envy, pride and humiliation of one’s neighbor, disobedience and disobedience, in grumbling and impatience, in gloating, malice, malice, in lies, deceit, coldness. A person must be constantly on guard of his heart and his thoughts and in the feat of secret prayer, in constant repentance and self-condemnation and in tears, in order to wash away with them the constantly accumulating filth of sin. If sin thus [seeks] to produce itself into action, then truth must constantly produce itself into action in a person, and not be only in thoughts and good intentions (pia desiderata 78), for faith without works is dead [James 2:26], and Christians must constantly demonstrate their meekness, kindness, abstinence, chastity, love for everyone, patience, obedience, simplicity, humility, goodwill. Sinful thoughts and desires are swift, like scorching lightning, or like a [sudden] strong wind that shakes the soul like a reed, or like a stormy stream that drowns the soul, like a church built on sand, or like a dirty, stinking wave that fills the entire soul with stench and stench. May every Christian beware of all sin, voluntary or involuntary, and may he establish his spiritual feet on the rock of faith - Christ God, may he pray unceasingly, and may he always bring secret and open repentance to God, and may he abhor sin in all its countless manifestations, may he despise the voluptuousness of the flesh as a deadly poison, may he value gold and silver and everything precious and brilliant, let him despise human glory - this fleeting and harmful glory, which undermines the soul like a worm, let him seek incorruptible blessings and let him always strive to have Christ in his heart, this treasure is vital and all-sufficing for all eternity. One unrighteous thought is an abomination to the Lord, according to Scripture [Proverbs 15:26], and instantaneous carnal lust is betrayal of the Lord and the abomination of idolatry. This is because the soul is a simple being, a spirit, and in an instant it inclines either towards truth or towards untruth, and becomes like either God or the devil - therefore the Apostle says: do not be like the evil, but the good [3 John 1:11]. The abyss of mercy and generosity has opened and is opening in the daily offering on the altars of Orthodox Christian churches of the all-giving, all-propitating, all-purifying, all-renewing, all-conquering, all-deifying, life-giving, terrible, immeasurably great Sacrifice of the Body and Blood of Christ, offered according to the will of God and the covenant of the Lord Jesus Christ for the salvation of the whole world. All sins of the faithful, who truly [...] partake of the Life-giving Mysteries, are cleansed every time after communion, all spiritual ties are resolved, sorrows are consumed, all petitions favorable to God are fulfilled, petitions for the entire Church and for all states and classes, for shepherds and flocks; the world stands and strengthens, does not waver for the sake of this Sacrifice; the cities stand and are not destroyed, and remain in prosperity and prosperity; families are approved; the intrigues and dreams of heretics and schismatics are ineffective, general piety is established - if only the shepherds sincerely perform this greatest Sacrament. Glory to the Lord, who has given us such a life-giving, sovereign, most holy, Divine gift. Shine, shine, New Jerusalem, Orthodox Church of God, for the glory of the Lord is upon you. Rejoice more and be glad, Zion 79. Great is the evil sown in the world by Satan and his army of unclean demons and evil people, but the good given and sown by God and His holy Angels, the Holy Church and faithful people is greater, more victorious, more fruitful, and finally all enemies will be defeated by the Lord and His faithful people. He must reign until He has put all enemies under His feet. The last enemy to be destroyed is death [1 Cor. 15:25–26]. Dare, dare, people of God, for He will defeat the enemies, for He is omnipotent 80. April 14, 1897. There is nothing in human thought, in the heart and in the will, or in the will of a person so unclean, nasty, crafty, ugly, senseless, stupid, evil, envious, proud, impudent, murderous for the soul, which the devil, maddened with malice, pride and wickedness, would not have suggested and put in; there is nothing most sacred that he would not blaspheme; There is not a single member in the human body that he would not mock, would not inspire the most absurd, nasty, blasphemous thoughts about it; There is no object, animal, plant, fabric, metal or mineral for which it would not give rise to the most absurd addiction, in order only to distract, alienate, remove the thought and heart of a person from God and attract to himself, defile, corrupt the soul and body of a person. An example of this is ancient and new idolatry (and idolaters), I mean modern Christianity with its spectacles, fine arts, in which human nudity, especially female, plastic nudity plays the first role, and the richer and higher a person stands in civic terms, the more he puts before his eyes, and his comrades, and friends, and household servants of these graceful idols and worships them. Oh, prodigal humanity, using the grace, beauty and perfection of God's creation as an excuse to satisfy their passions, and not for the glory of God. Alas, human myopia, which sees nothing beyond its nose! For what is being done today or tomorrow with this beauty of the human body? She becomes a stinking, ugly corpse and food for worms, earth and dust! And where is the soul that served delusion and was defiled by delusion? Nothing foul and unclean will enter the Kingdom of God [Rev. 21:27]. On April 19, Saturday of Bright Week, I felt sick, somewhat weak and despondent, as if at the beginning of a fever. It was explained later that this was a scrofulous symptom from the impending rain, which happened in the evening in St. Petersburg and Kronstadt. The cough intensifies before damp weather, the flow of scrofulous matter from the eye sockets before damp weather. The Holy Church prays daily for the goodness of the air and its sanctification by the grace of the Holy Spirit, for the air, like other elements, is infected, stinking with all sorts of human iniquities, secret and obvious, day and night, and carries within itself all sorts of germs of corruption and various diseases. April 23. Name day of Empress Alexandra Feodorovna. I thank the Lord, who soon delivered me from the tightness and sorrow of my heart that befell me for my secret hostility to Nikolai Peltz, a converted Jew, but a sincere Christian, meek, humble, kind, patient, loving God and God’s service with all his soul and committed from the heart to me, a sinner. Hostility towards another person, especially one of simple rank and unlearned, involuntarily invades the heart; hostility grows gradually: at first weak, then gradually intensifies, and respect for the personality of another person [falls] to zero, to the point, so to speak, of freezing. This is the work of the devil, who works in us tirelessly and systematically. Down with all hostility, absurd, blind, painful, offensive to the Lord and to every sane person! Holy love reign in our hearts, impartial love, long-suffering love, not envious, not exalted, not proud, enduring everything, covering everything, never falling away. The reason for hostility is a lack of understanding of oneself and the nature of human beings: fallen, sinful, weak, accommodating to all evil; the reason is the impurity of the heart and various passions nesting in the heart of the enemy. Cleanse your heart first, O man, and then love every person diligently. Love one another diligently with a pure heart [1 Peter 1:22]. Deliver me, Lord, from the evil, proud treatment of a small man, one of the little Jews, converted to the Orthodox faith in his youth, one-eyed by accident, but beautiful in soul, meek, humble and kind and not selfish. Due to various unfavorable accidents for him, my respect for him has dropped to zero, and at almost every meeting with him I treat him with contempt and hostility, while he is humble and helpful before me and takes care of me. The Lord always punishes me for my proud treatment of him, and I repent of my evil custom, and He has mercy and calms me down, but as soon as the opportunity arises to speak with this former Jew, I again treat him just as proudly and maliciously, and again I am punished, and again I repent, and the Lord has mercy on me. Oh, my evil will! O evil skill, O evil science! How strong and destructive you are! How ugly and blind you are! If you do not convert and become like children, you will not enter the Kingdom of Heaven, says the Lord [Matthew 18:3]. May 4, 1897. Man at the beginning left the solid foundation of the will of God and the commandments of God, as if from solid rails, figuratively speaking in today’s language, and deviated onto the disastrous path of self-will and the will of the devil, the enemy and apostate from God, and therefore his disasters have no end or measure. We speak of what we know and testify of what we have seen [ John 3:11 ]. Who knows perfectly all the depth, abyss and destruction of the human fall, except the Lord? Who knows all the terrible consequences of this fall and the need for a terrible and supernatural sacrifice of atonement through the incarnation, suffering and death of the incarnate Son of God. Develop. The disobedience and self-will of the old man are amazing: when they call a sick person for the [sacred] requirement of communion, there is reluctance, anger towards those calling and the sick person himself; when they call for lunch, I rush with joy; In general, when you do what pleases the flesh, you do it with joy; when you need to do what pleases God, for the good of your neighbor, for the poor, you do it with grief. I'm damned! I am amazed, on the one hand, by the greatness of God’s gifts to humanity in the immortalization, purification, sanctification, renewal and deification of its nature; on the other hand, human deceit, pride, unbelief, ingratitude before God, intentional frivolity, religious ignorance, unbelief, blasphemy of faith and miracles, immersion in sensuality, drunkenness, prodigal uncleanness, malice, envy, disobedience to parents and authorities, disrespect and contempt for elders. What is needed is a decisive change, revival, renewal, a different way of thinking, believing, feeling, doing. There is no higher, more honest and fruitful service than diligently, willingly, with love and humility to visit the sick, to console them and partake of the Divine and life-giving Mysteries of the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord, and therefore always be complacent, O priest, when you are invited to the sick for the sake of consolation and communion. Constantly watch yourself so that when correcting the needs of poor people, you always have in your soul humility, zeal, goodwill and goodwill towards them and never be upset with them, even for a frequent invitation to confession and communion of the Holy Mysteries, for for them this is the only consolation in their need, grief and sadness. Remember that you serve the Lord, not men, and you will receive reward from the Lord. Amen. May 7, 1897. As my spiritual children became more zealous for receiving the life-giving Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ and wished to partake of them often, I became stingier for them in this regard and I myself became more greedy for their communion, not only spiritually, but also in terms of bodily taste and more hard-hearted towards frequent communicants. I have sinned before the Lord! Was this the kind of fruit the all-generous and all-good Lord expected from me? Are they not the fruits of mercy and sympathy for those involved? There are no nasty, evil, blasphemous and absurd thoughts and desires that Satan would not put into the thoughts and hearts of people in order to confuse, overshadow and defile their soul and body, but in contrast to him, the unclean, nasty and disgusting spirit, the Lord does not abandon those who believe in Him and trust in Him and comforts the soul that repents and is zealous for piety with thoughts bright, pure, sublime, joyful to the soul devoted to Him, the Lord. And therefore, there is no need to lose heart in the days and hours of temptation and the enemy’s excuses, [but] to fight the enemy in every possible way and despise him. Human! Try with all your might to instill and develop and strengthen in your soul sincere goodwill, and love, and helpfulness useful in need, and always mercilessly drive away from your heart the incipient envy and ill will or contempt, hostility and hatred, which are the offspring of the devil. Leave judgment over unrighteous people to the Righteous Heart and Judge of all, God; You pray earnestly for the unrighteous, so that they may turn from unrighteousness to all righteousness, so that they will not perish and be saved. Meanwhile, it happens that we become embittered at the unrighteous and judge them harshly within ourselves, wishing them punishment and torment and even death, forgetting that they also have a rational soul, capable of feeling, loving, repenting, correcting themselves, and changing for the better. Try with all your might to have love and a desire for good in your heart for everyone, so that others will also wish you good and love you. (Concerning the Grand Duke Alexy Alexandrovich and the secret hostility towards him for his idleness.) Do not be like the evil (the devil), but the good (God) [3 John 1:11]. What an abyss of God’s mercy has manifested itself in all the past days of my life in the forgiveness of my countless and cruel iniquities! - impossible to express in words. What an abyss of forgiveness, change of soul, peace, freedom, boldness! How grave were my sins: self-love, self-pity, voluptuousness, carnality, voluptuousness, pride, arrogance, impatience, anger, irritation, malice, hostility, hatred, ill will, malevolence, laziness, greed, love of money, vanity, passion for elegant, colorful clothes, despondency, hard-heartedness, unmercifulness, negligence prayer for people, contempt for the poor, condemnation, disgust with poverty, the ugliness of the crooked, blind, lame, lichen, suppurating; how much negligence in remembering the names of the living and the dead, how much disrespect for elders, peers, the poor and uneducated! The speculative or contemplative part of you is good - thanks be to God, but the active part still requires much, much correction. Strive, and strive, and succeed 81 [Ps.44:5], and conquer while there is time. The old man lives in us, led in everything by the devil; he must be completely crucified, otherwise he will crucify us, kill our soul and body (soul - spiritually). May 18. Sunday about the blind man. The world's blind man, fool and scoundrel - Satan - today brought me to great grief and embarrassment and distress because of Vasily Abramovich Kornev because, on my instructions, he brought the wrong monstrance that I needed, with a small, and not a large vessel for the Holy Mysteries, and almost the entire mass confused and crowded me. And during Matins he was embarrassed and oppressed because of Nikolai Peltz, because of his singing, although it is euphonious, and because of his Jewish family, although he is very pious, meek, humble and kind. Oh, ridiculous Satan! Oh, ridiculous me! How many times has the enemy deceived me and is deceiving Satan, but I sometimes believe him and am carried away by his suggestions. Sin rushes 82 into us and intensifies to do its work - to corrupt the soul and body, to cool us towards God, towards prayer; Let us hasten [and we] to all virtue, lest we appear idle and [lean 83] before the Lord. The days are evil [Eph.5:16]. (You are wretched, and pitiful, and poor, and blind, and naked [Rev. 3:17].) May 25, 1897. May 26. To the glory of God, great and ineffable, I will return to you, the book of my spiritual existence. And now I'm leaving. Help and bless, my God! June 29, 1897. There is no higher honor and bliss on earth than for a priest or bishop to perform the Divine Liturgy and partake of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, or to give communion to the faithful and unite them with Christ, or for a priest to carry the Holy Gifts to the sick and communicate to them the Divine, all-healing healing and nourishment of the most pure Body and Blood of Christ God. With what rage, with what violence and deadly breath do invisible all-evil enemies rush at me at the momentary, instantaneous movement of my pride, self-pity, pride, grief towards my neighbor! And what would have happened to me if I had not, with faith and heartfelt repentance, vigorously turned to the Lord, who is always quick to intercede for my unworthiness! The enemy would have devoured me, would have destroyed me in his wrath, if the Lord had forgiven him for my sins. But the Lord quickly intercedes and saves with His incomparable goodness and power and grants forgiveness, intercession, peace, victory over enemies, spiritual triumph, freedom, and boldness. So it was today, when, during the sexton’s report about many sick people in visiting homes, I was upset with him for such a report. The enemy entered me through unrighteous anger and began to burn and oppress me with cruel fire. I immediately turned to repentance and prayer for the mercy of the Lord - and was quickly and miraculously pardoned and raised from hell into the light of God, and I was given peace with space and boldness of heart. The Jewish reader Nikolai Peltz, for whom the ethereal enemy often tempts you with hostility and hatred, is a kind, simple, gentle and sensitive man, a humble and good-natured, patient man [...], moreover, poor and poor, a good and sincere reader and singer, helpful, helpful, hardworking, ready to help everyone to the best of his ability. That is why the enemy hates him and lashes you with hatred and contempt, 84 but your heart is unclean and cannot contain pure and undying love. God, have mercy on me. August 5, 1897. My Lord does wonderful deeds of mercy and power in me, in my heart, when I, having fallen through a sinful habit into some sin and killed by it, sincerely seek reconciliation with the Lord in unfeigned repentance, secret or open: the Lord is immediately my Protector and my almighty Deliverer from invisible enemies who kill me, scorch me, oppress me, darkening, disgracing, removing from the Lord. I feel, I see with the eyes of my heart how the Lord [burns] my enemies out of me, defeating them sovereignly, as if [preserving] me, and I become free from their torment, deceit and violence, and peace, silence, boldness, simplicity and truth are established in me. But what is it that the adversary tempts me with most often? Violation of true love for one's neighbor, pride, contempt, envy, partiality, contemplation, self-interest, seduction by beauty, lust, gluttony, delicacy, excess in food and drink, vanity, covetousness, irritation, grief, impatience, laziness, disobedience, insincerity, hypocrisy, lies, insubordination, evasion from the truth, despondency, cowardice, vain shame and timidity, bickering, doubt, dislike for neighbors. At the end of mass in the cathedral on August 5, the Lord delivered me from the fierce temptation of the devil through the communion of some laymen and laywomen who often came up for communion (where one should rejoice), delivering me for repentance from hellish cramped conditions and scorching fire. In general, the Lord creates wonderful powers in me, saving me every day. In St. Petersburg, twice the Lord saved me from the hellish cramped conditions that followed in me because of grief at the distance and at the poor people who invited me to such a distance; Through intensified repentance I got rid of this tightness and from the violence of the devil in me. (Gluttony and excess drinking are the cause of mental relaxation and increased carnal passions.) About the inner transformation of a person. The sinful soul is likened by the Lord to a barren fig tree, which the lord of the vineyard [commanded] to be cut down and thrown out of the garden, so that it would not needlessly take up space and would give more room for healthy, fruitful trees to grow and bear fruit. But the gardener petitions the owner to leave it for at least another year in order to cover its roots with humus, which can promote its vitality and fruitfulness, and if it does not bear fruit, then he will cut it off the next year [Luke 13:6-9]. We are all like a barren fig tree: we do not bear the good fruits of a good life, we do not improve. August 10, 97. I will add 85 to all the praise of my Lord, who saves me wonderfully every day and many times over. Glory to Thee, the inexhaustible treasure of my salvation; glory to You, my strong protection; glory to You, my cleansing, sanctification and renewal every day; glory to You, treasure and source of my peace and boldness; glory to You, my space in my sorrows and cramps; glory to You, who through the communion of the Holy Mysteries dwells in my heart and abides in me and miraculously attracts all the pious to me; glory to You, my goodness in everyone and everything; glory to You, the stronghold of my life and the glory of Your priests, to whom You have included me, unworthy; glory to You, glory to Your Holy Church, You created it on the rock of faith and established it unshakably; glory to You, the conversion of those who go astray; glory to You, who shakes and exposes and eradicates heresies, sects and schisms and who judges the consciences of their evil teachers and apostates from Your truth; Glory to Thee, who instills in our emperor zeal for the faith and Thy Church and through him denounces wrong and harmful teachings. Amen. Morning of August 10th. I thank the Lord, who punished and admonished me to love my neighbor - the poor and sick, to whom they invite me for guidance with the Holy Mysteries. Out of pride and greed, I reluctantly and with grief accepted this invitation, and the Lord, paternally, although painfully, with inner fire and crampedness, admonished me to do this work of philanthropy willingly, diligently, humbly, with love, for what service is higher, more honest, more useful, more saving than to come to the sick with the most pure and life-giving broth of the Body and Blood of Christ! August 12, 1897. Morning. Lord, grant me to glorify Your beneficent hand even in the rotting of my eyes: with it, like alkali, cleanse my sight and deliver me from the thinness of the body; Grant me a youthful body even in old age. Wake up! And the air is infected with our sins, and the earth stinks from our iniquities, and fire with rage and jealousy awaits the time when it will be allowed to consume the opponents of God's truth. Everything about us is infected with sins: flesh and blood, eyes and ears, tongue and smell, taste and touch, all the brains, liver, mind, memory, imagination, desires, will, the whole being, so that we cannot see, hear, taste, or touch without sin. August 15, 97. How wonderful is the name of the Lord, how powerful, sovereign, protective, victorious, sweet, vital! Beginning with the liturgy (solemn, conciliar) and until the end of the day in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg, it saved me, delivered me from sorrow and oppression and provided me with justification, protection, deliverance, reconciliation with God and His truth, silence, space, freedom, boldness. (I was irritated and angry in St. Petersburg with Zaitsevskaya for bringing me to the house for laying, where many people had gathered who wanted to be blessed by me.) I brought sincere secret repentance to the Lord, asking for forgiveness and the goodness of my heart to change to kindness and meekness, and the Lord immediately saved me. [Several pages of the diary are torn out. – Ed.] August 16. Saturday. Service at the Church of the House of Diligence. How many painful struggles with the flesh and its passions have to be endured in one day! Now the enemy attacks me with sleep and despondency, now with anger towards his subordinates, especially the readers (they seem to read and sing dissonantly, although for others, strangers, it sounds euphonious), now with love of money and voluptuousness or voluptuousness! How deeply all kinds of sins have taken root in me! What abstinence is needed! What repentance! What unceasing prayer! The priesthood of the Orthodox Church, according to the commandment of the Lord, does a work of infinite importance, a work of supernatural power, the work of God: it enlightens, and purifies, and renews people through teaching in the word of God, especially through the performance of the Sacraments and spiritual administration. Only God alone can renew a person corrupted by sin, or those of the people to whom God Himself has given grace and power and His strength can themselves be renewed, and enlightened, and strengthened in a new life, and renew, sanctify, and lead others with the power of God, with spiritual power. A fallen, corrupted person can only rise and be renewed only by deep repentance and the resolution of sins by spiritual power, and especially by the communion of the Body and Blood of Christ: certainly the Blood under a special type of wine, as the Lord established, and not without Blood; must receive remission of sins from an Orthodox priest who has legal ordination and God-given authority, and Body and Blood from a legitimate Orthodox priest, and not from a papist who does not give the Blood of God. Oh, the absurd tyranny of man, which deprived the laity of an invaluable and irreplaceable treasure - the Blood of Christ! Oh, human superstition! Oh, deceit, oh, the intricacy of lies! The papists deprived the laity of the Blood of Christ, shed for the cleansing of sins. Oh, headless supremacy, acting contrary to the true Head - Christ God! How can you, graceless ones, give grace to others if you don’t have it yourself together with your dad! How can you shepherd the flock of Christ without the spirit of Christ, the truth and righteousness of Christ! Protestants and reformists, pastors and archpastors, tell me, how can you renew the people and lead them to a holy life, when you yourself do not have grace and authority, power and strength from the Holy Spirit, which you cannot receive anywhere except the Holy Orthodox Church? Tell me, how can you, false prophets, carry out the work of renewing humanity, which can only be done by God and the one to whom He gave His grace and authority through episcopal ordination? You don’t have the priesthood: in vain and blindness, how did you dare to take on such a task that is beyond your strength? You yourself are not renewed, and you do not renew the people, you do not enlighten, you do not cleanse and you do not sanctify. 18. I was saved many times yesterday and today through the prayer of repentance both in Ostrov (Pskov province) and in St. Petersburg before the liturgy in the Leushinsky metochion, and when visiting the sick; I got rid of the great oppression and flames of unrighteous anger through secret repentance (out of confusion and misunderstanding, I insulted Ivan Fidelin’s nephew because he allegedly incorrectly printed in Kotlin 87 about the words of the ninth song, that they were taken from the tribute to the Dormition, but I thought from the troparion - oh, darkness!). Grant, O Lord, Thy mercy, Thy bounty, Thy strength and Thy glory and a good future to my steam ship 88, which I built according to Thy goodness and Thy bounty for the benefit of the public, humane, and may all my enemies be put to shame, envying and calling on it (the steam ship) and me. Wake up! Your eye, O Lord, is on everyone, both on me and on my ship. August 19, 1897. The blood of Jesus Christ... cleanses us from all sin, says the Apostle John the Theologian [1 John 1:7]; without Blood there is no cleansing and sanctification: the Lord shed His blood on the Cross for the cleansing and sanctification of the world and deliverance; the blood of animals was shed in the Old Testament as a sign of the all-cleansing Blood of Christ. Every person is conceived, formed and born from the blood of his mother. How do Catholics deprive the laity of the Blood of Christ? What kind of willful fabrication is this? What kind of deceit is there in judgments regarding this subject? Lord, bless my intentions about my ship and show Your mercy and bounty on it more than on all such ships, so that the rich of this age do not dare me. Amen. Saint Father Nicholas, do not disgrace my water vessel with your name, but look 89 upon it from the heights of your shrine and glorify it and its people in bounties and prosperity. Amen. August 19, 1897. August 20, 1897. I confess and extol and glorify the invincible goodness of God and the long-suffering of God towards me, a sinner, every day, for every day I sin with pride, carnality, gluttony, laziness, impatience, irritation, bitterness due to empty reasons that seem fair to me (in fact, not), bitterness (during visits to cities or at dachas or at a distance distances, or to the height of the ascent (up the stairs), or to persons inviting me for prayer and consolation, especially the poor and ignorant), greed, lustful thoughts and lusts (albeit momentary at the sight of female persons), cowardice, timidity, servility, unsteadiness in faith, lack of reverence and haste during the service of many prayer services, despondency at failures or losses, hard-heartedness towards the poor, stinginess, greed, carelessness about souls and their salvation, disrespect for people, condemnation, envy, ill-will, malice, malice, wickedness, inconsistency in love and good disposition towards people, frivolity, unsteadiness in virtue, changeability, unfaithfulness to God and people, unfriendliness, disrespect, disobedience, lack of faith, conceit, contempt, voluptuousness, indulgence of the flesh and its passions, disregard for human souls, redeemed by the most pure Blood of the Lord, forgetfulness of their immortality and eternal destiny for bliss in God, neglect of their salvation, enlightenment, salvation, omission of frequently repeated prayers, vanity in clothing, in jewelry, desire for earthly vain splendor and fame, vanity, ambition, a bad opinion of many people and a harsh, contemptuous, malicious judgment about them, suspicion of many and humiliation, hostility towards many and a proud attitude. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord! But have patience with me, a sinner, O many-hearted one, and in your image, correct and perfect me through destinies. Orthodox Christians! Do you know, do you believe, do you remember that the Lord God constantly looks at us, at our thoughts, desires, intentions, enterprises, various lusts, at all our actions and judges every person righteously? Do you remember that our conscience is a sign of the truth of God testing and guiding us, and according to our conscience we will be judged on the day of judgment and according to the Gospel of the Lord? Do you remember what is repeated many times by the prophet and king David: [the Lord] comes to judge the earth... in righteousness, and to the people with righteousness [Ps.97:9; Wed: Ps.9:9; 95:13 ] ? Or don't you remember? - So I remind you. I thank the Lord for the correct functioning of all my physical organs, from where my mental and physical health comes, for in a healthy body there is common sense. I pray to Him that my soul may act correctly in everything and continually create holiness in the fear of God. August 24. Permission was given to Deacon Maccabee to sell my ship for nineteen thousand, for No. 250 (August 25) paper 90. August 24. I thank the Lord, who quickly, graciously, solemnly delivered me from the sorrow and distress that befell me for my grief and anger at Motin, who was slow to come to our ship, on which I was eagerly awaiting his arrival in order to go to Oranienbaum, and from there on horseback to Tsarskoye Selo. I fell on my knees in repentance before the icon of the Infant God and the Most Pure Mother of God of Tikhvin in Motin’s apartment. There was no wait for the French captain Hotfeil (he was late). August 25. I sinned gravely before God by beating Alexandra, who was running wild after communion of the Holy Mysteries (for five years now) and screaming furiously, after which she began to fight even harder, so that six people could barely restrain her. It is extremely annoying to see the insolence and impudence of evil spirits, which tormentingly dominate a person and, despite their torment during my efforts to drive them out, stubbornly remain in the unfortunate woman and repeat: “We have been imprisoned for twelve years, we are the most important, the strongest.” August 27, 1897. How stupid our old man is! One man did not regret giving three hundred and twenty-four rubles in case of need for one person, but he regretted the calico paper envelope in which he wrapped this money! Here he is (the old man) and is all like that in his passions. One thing is needed - God and virtue; everything earthly is a mirage and decay. I thank the Lord for deliverance from all temptations, infirmities and sorrows on August 27 of this year during the service of the liturgy in the regimental church of the city of Oranienbaum, for the gift of grace, peace, freedom, boldness and the word of God poured out from the mind, from the heart and good will, pronounced by me solemnly, with much strength and captivating the entire church, the entire congregation - no less than a thousand people! And at the secular meal (in the officers’ meeting) there was so much animation, delight, how many proclamations of many years to me, the unworthy! I thank the Lord for such joy. I thank the Lord for getting rid of the headache that I had yesterday from excessive drinking of champagne and, earlier, Madeira. God created bright and good Angels and man, although he foresaw that a third of the Angels would turn into evil and the human race would fall terribly and disastrously. Why did you create it? May the superiority of His goodness appear, and may the free malice of the creatures of His immeasurable goodness and love for mankind not prevail. For this reason, he came down to earth, suffered, died and rose again, so that the superiority of His goodness will be shown in everything, and may the exploits and virtues of ascetics and fighters of good against evil be rewarded, and may the patriarchs, prophets, apostles, martyrs, saints, saints and all saints receive the most brilliant crowns of glory for their faith and piety, may holiness, truth and love, mercy, abstinence, purity and chastity, courage, patience for faith in the hero and love for Him. Where would there be a place for feat if there were only good in the world and no evil, which, however, does not exist necessarily, but by chance, as a result of the arbitrary deviation of a good angel into evil. So, all of you, strive against sin and be saved. August 30, 1897. Look more carefully, deeper into your inner, mental or spiritual world, full of the greatest mental and moral interest, and do not get carried away by the external, material, transitory and disappearing world - heaven and earth, for heaven and earth will pass away, according to the immutable word of the Creator, and the words of His law will not pass away forever and ever [Matthew 24:35, etc.]. In that inner world you have a lot, a lot of work and effort ahead of you due to our perversion of the spiritual order, or the laws of the Creative, and mental and physical corruption, for it is said: The kingdom of heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it [Matthew 11:12]... Remember the barren fig tree [Luke 13:6-9], remember the grapes and the husbandman [Matthew 20:1-16, etc.], remember the servant who owed his master ten thousand talents [Matthew 18:23–34]. Akilina Yunitskaya. St. Petersburg, Petersburg side, Bolshaya Grebetskaya street, house No. 44, apt. 25. September 4. Thursday. I cannot count the mercies of God, His powers to intercede me from passions and demons and various sorrows, from my countless stumblings both in church and while serving my neighbors in their homes in Kronstadt and St. Petersburg and in different cities and places. What hasty obedience, what mercy, what condescension towards my sins and weaknesses, whenever I sincerely recognize them, I repent of them and beg for forgiveness and goodness in the heart of my unclean, self-loving, carnal, evil, evil, envious, greedy, irritable, glory-loving, vain, self-seeking, partial, perverse, fickle, fickle, unfaithful, fearful, cowardly, cold, sad, nasty, earth-loving 92, rude, obsequious, seductive, voluptuous, picky, seeking temptations and prone to every sin, loving sin, seeking sins! And all my sins are overcome every day by God’s love for mankind, and my sins do not overcome God’s mercy. The sacrifice of God, offered for the sin of the whole world - the suffering and death for the world of the Son of God - cleanses me from all sin, reconciles me with God, pacifies my soul, renews, enlightens, sanctifies, strengthens, adores. Wonderful are Your works, O Lover of mankind, every day. Whatever the enemy builds in me, the Lord will destroy in me, all the devil’s machinations! Glory! September 3. The left jaw and teeth were very painful and caused loss of spirit and languor, and in the evening, after the blood flowed from the nose (digged with a finger), the pain went away. God bless! September 18, 1897. My teeth hurt unbearably on the evening of the 17th and did not allow me to sleep. I got out of bed, got dressed, took a good walk outside for half an hour, lay down again and fell asleep - it became easier. Why, I thought, did my teeth hurt? Isn’t that why he thought that he drank a large glass of beer (ale) at Zaitsevskaya’s dacha - that’s it; then, I thought, from the onset of northern, cloudy weather - but the night was clear, starry. In the morning I get up and look - the sky is covered with gray northern (clouds) clouds. That's the reason. Right. I thank the Lord. 22. I thank the Lord, who mercifully and providentially delivered me from mortal and obvious danger while traveling in an open carriage from Strelna to Oranienbaum along the Lower Highway near the village of Martyshkino. Our cab driver went to the Chukhon dissolutions, and the shafts from the horse hit the inner wall of our carriage, where I was sitting, so hard that the entire carriage began to crack, and I, fortunately, sat, dozing, towards my neighbor Euphrosyne Prokofieva, and not leaning against the right side of the carriage, which was hit by the shafts - if otherwise, I would have been killed on the spot, instantly. Glory to the Lord, who protects me everywhere. You are marvelous in your generosity, O Lord my God! Taking the envelopes out of the left pocket of the cassock, I found mille rubel 93 in one of them. Who is this from? (A.V.) Glory and thanksgiving to the Lord. September 25. The time has come for me to fulfill the commandment of the Lord: love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you [Matthew 5:44], for my family has become my enemies, roaring like lions against me (widow Anna Tsvetkova with her daughter and grandchildren). The daughter has become corrupted, she doesn’t want to live with her husband, she teaches her little child Elisaveta to be angry, to swear, to harm people with anything that is unpleasant to them for some reason, especially for telling the truth, they have learned to burglarize, and they are arming themselves against me, shooting all sorts of arrows from their body 94, they have turned the entire vocabulary of abusive, slanderous words against me (Anna Tsvetkova). Do not put this sin on them, Lord. I will refuse a trip to Rostov-on-Don because of the recently completed long-distance trip to Pochaev, Chernigov and Kiev and because of the upcoming consecration of two side churches in the cathedral (and I will not go to Taganrog). Relation to the mayor Shebunin regarding admission to the cathedral for consecration without tickets. October 12, 97. Sunday. I served the liturgy in the Leushinsky convent courtyard on Basseynaya in St. Petersburg, spoke a word without preparation about the rapture of the holy Apostle Paul into heaven [2 Cor. 12:2-4] and about our heavenly destiny, then about love for our neighbors, about the difference between Christian love from worldly and pagan love, about love for enemies, about helping neighbors, without expecting reward from them or paying off debts, about love unhypocritical, selfless. But I myself soon betrayed my word: I was offended by a simple, unselfishly kind woman who often brings me to the poor, the sick and the possessed (possessed Evdokia) and instead of love, I repaid her with hostility and a harsh reprimand: why does she bother everywhere - let the sick themselves invite me, and not she appears everywhere and fusses; and the possessed woman was worthy of every pity, for the demon tormented her terribly, and she screamed furiously throughout the entire yard. After prayer, she calmed down and began to caress her, but before she was terribly fierce. Thanks to everyone: the one who invited, the patient, and her family. October 14, 1897. Tuesday. I sinned gravely for the thousandth time, reluctantly and with annoyance accepting an invitation from the psalmist to give communion to seven or eight sick people in an apartment, and was immediately punished by the deprivation of spiritual peace, space, freedom and boldness before God, feeling confusion, cramped conditions and a burning fire inside. Through intense repentance with faith in God’s mercy, he soon received forgiveness, peace, freedom and boldness, as always in such cases. I thank the Lord. But after mass, while giving communion to the people and many infants, I again allowed myself to be tempted by my impatience, laziness and secret indignation at their multitude and at their mothers and third parties who brought these unskillful children to communion. I angrily and annoyedly reprimanded them so that in the future they should not bring infants to the Holy Mysteries when there is general confession and communion; for this I was deservedly punished by the Lord with the deprivation of peace, freedom and boldness, I was in confusion, sorrow, shame, fire and distress, and only then, at the end of the communion of the people, I with difficulty got rid of this misfortune with strengthened repentance and hope for the infinite mercy of God. Meanwhile, there is no higher, more majestic, more fruitful and more God-pleasing task than to commune the people and children with the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord, and I am always especially healthy and strong when I accomplish this great work of communicating people with God. Therefore, I must always do this work of God with joy. October 19, 1897. I thank the Lord, who has granted me to still see this day, the day on which He gave me the existence of a rational being in His image, for now sixty-eight years of my existence have been completed due to God’s immeasurable kindness and long-suffering towards me. How many miracles of mercy the Lord has shown me throughout these years - there is no number! I am still healthy in spirit and body. The Lord gave me a good name and supports and increases my good glory, attracts thousands of people to me from all over the vast Fatherland, gives me the grace to serve Him daily with tenderness of heart, with hot tears (at the liturgy), gives me intelligent, anointed by His Spirit word for general edification and for my confirmation, performs many countless miracles of healing in people because of their trust in me and faith in the Lord, to call on Whom they ask for them. me. He clothes me in the beauty of the spirit and in the splendor of countless clothes worn on my sinful body both in everyday life and in church during divine services; He increased my book depository and gave me book wealth with a wealth of valuables; He has always saved and will save me from countless falls into sin and blesses me with forgiveness, peace, freedom and boldness before everyone. Glory to the Lord for all His mercies and for the fact that I can daily provide material assistance to poor people and institutions (monasteries, charitable institutions). 20. The Lord knows His own being, and let everyone who names the name of the Lord depart from unrighteousness [2 Timothy 2:19]. Who are the Lord's beings? Those who live not for flesh and blood, but in spirit and for the Lord, who fight passions and overcome them, who struggle for the truth, who philosophize on what is above and see the mountain and not below, those who constantly have the commandments of the Lord in their hearts and unswervingly follow [them], and if they fall away due to weakness and skill, then now they rise up, who lay down their souls for the Lord and die for Him and for righteousness and truth. don't turn away. 20. I thank the Lord that the day of October 19 passed safely, in health and prosperously. I thank the Lord for all the goodwill of the people toward me and for the good name that He, the Lord, gave me. I thank you for the rich dinner that my admirers, St. Petersburg traders and merchants, made, treating up to three hundred people or more (up to four hundred). Bodiless enemies often confuse me with night visions and ghosts. May the Lord deliver me from them day and night. The church of God is holy; and this church is you, says the Apostle [1 Cor. 3:17]. Be holy, because I am holy [1 Peter 1:16]... A word on the episcopal consecration of the chapel in the name of the holy apostles Peter and Paul. The need for expansion... The need for the expansion of all hearts, so that they can accommodate the Lord. The need for sanctification and holiness of our souls and bodies. The breadth of secular education, the variety of [...] and press; comprehensive worldly education, the rationality, breadth and usefulness of modern inventions: telephones, telegraphs, phonographs, balloons, steam ships, railroads, music, painting. But all this is nothing without Christian education, without faith and virtue. Nowadays they write and print so much that it would fill the sea with written and printed paper. But what's the use? Our soul is dead, gloomy, graceless. An abyss of sins. The wrath of God is on people for the sake of iniquity; repentance and good deeds are needed. About the apostles Peter and Paul... on this stone... [Matthew 16:18]. Apostle Paul to the third heaven... [2 Cor.12:2]. October 23. I sinned towards the Lord by being angry with the servant Eugene for failing to light the candle I needed, and was righteously punished by the internal fire of the devil; he repented, prayed, trusting in the immeasurable goodness of God, and was not rejected - he was pardoned and healed. God bless! A word to those who fast: Thy will be done, as it is in heaven and on earth [Matthew 6:10]. The will of God and the will of demons, the opposite of both, the consequences of fulfillment and non-fulfillment of both. Why do we constantly violate the will of God, good, wise, life-giving, blessed? Damage to human nature by sin, the habit of sin, temptations, the charm of sin, the violence of evil spirits, opposition to them: resist the devil, and he will flee from you [James 4:7]; faith in Christ, calling on Him for help; our friendship with the flesh, that is, self-love, voluptuousness, carnality; the cause of sins; crucifying the flesh with passions and lusts, the cross-bearing of a Christian in imitation of Christ crucified, the desire for love that is long-suffering, merciful, not envious, not irritated, all-loving, enduring everything, not arrogant, not proud, not seeking its own, not rejoicing in unrighteousness, rejoicing in the truth, etc. [1 Cor. 13:4-7]. October 25. Due to my pride, I was angry with the violent [...] maiden Maria (forty years old) for demanding money for the apartment. In the church of the real school, I was upset that a lot of people were in attendance and a lot of people were communing. He repented and asked for forgiveness. I thank the Lord, who saved me from drowning during the fierce storm that occurred that day (at eight o’clock in the evening), while crossing from Oranienbaum to Kronstadt. October 26. Sunday. He sinned before the Lord and his neighbor (Joseph Babenko), becoming angry at the persistent, untimely request to visit the aliens in the House of Diligence. Change Yourself, Lord, my heart with a change of forgiveness, kindness, kindness, meekness, humility, patience, peace, long-suffering, goodwill, respect for the human person. Amen. Be my witness, Lord, that I repent to You; You grant me forgiveness and peace, freedom and boldness before everyone, always 95 serve me before You and Your people. November 1st. The evil and malicious enemy at the very root of the human being, in the heart and in the existential members of his body, constantly intensifies to defile and corrupt man with unclean, foul, evil and blasphemous thoughts and, if possible, to destroy the human race, to the extent that it pleases God to allow it because of our sins. That is why fornication and adultery with drunkenness are extremely destroying the human race; how many people are eradicated from the very beginning! How many are forcibly expelled from the wombs of conceived babies! How many of them are destroyed in mothers possessed by evil spirits! What faith, prayer, what abstinence are needed for fathers and mothers! What purity and good intentions during conceptions! November 2. Sunday. Every day I am carried away by voluptuousness and gluttony and at the same time by irritation, grief, bitterness, contempt, laziness, self-pity, self-indulgence. Oh, may I crucify the flesh, which is corrupted by passions and lusts, and which separates from God, and which hardens and whitens the soul! Help, Lord! Help, Lady Theotokos! I walk among the networks every day. Avoid female caresses as vain and harmful, voluptuous, ungodly, aimless. November 6. The life-source or existential members of the human body of both sexes must most of all be protected from desecration and corruption as the doors and sources of existence of the human race, gifted with a rational and immortal soul in the image of God; but they, above all other members, from their very youth are used for evil and corrupted by many due to the temptations of voluptuousness, and by others throughout their lives they are used for evil with insatiable greed, until a voluptuous person finally breaks down his physical and spiritual strength and falls into a disease that no longer allows him to be corrupted. It is impossible not to notice that the enemies of the human race - unclean, nasty and crafty spirits with special effort arouse carnal passions in people through passionate vision, touch, reading bad books, conversations, imagination, gluttony, through sleepy dreams and corrupt fallen humanity and drag it to destruction, forever separating from God the unrepentant and devoted with their whole being to voluptuousness; it happens so often that not only men with the female sex, but men on men and women on women or girls on girls commit disgrace and are mutually defiled and corrupted, get sick and die. Meanwhile, the most pure, all-good and all-wise Creator planted in our nature for the benefit and out of extreme need the seeds of the human race, which can only be planted in the inner earth, or wombs of the mother, but through the opening of the maternal doors and through the intensified, rapid, involuntary and voluptuous action of the reproductive male member. If it were not for this desire, lust, this speed, involuntary and sweet action in the eruption of male semen, there would be no conception, there would be no births, and the human race would cease, just as if a person did not have an appetite for food and drink and their use, a person would not eat and would die from non-eating and non-drinking. That is why the needs of nutrition and mutual attraction between the male and female sexes are deeply implanted in our nature, that is, so that people are born and nourished; but so that they are not used for evil and harmful, destructive for people, people are given laws or commandments that strictly limit their use, and they must be firmly preserved and fulfilled for the well-being of ours and our descendants; and for other people who sincerely believe and love God and lead a contemplative life, for the high purposes of existence, God has given grace-filled help to completely abstain from sexual relations and lead a pure, dispassionate life. Marriage is sacred, honorable, and the bed undefiled by a lawfully living husband and wife, but fornicators and adulterers are judged by God [Heb. 13:4]. Therefore, each one pay attention to himself, be vigilant and try to acquire his bodily vessel in holiness and honor, and not in the passion of lust, like the pagans who do not know God [1 Thess. 4:4-5]. From November 5th to 6th, in the night, shortly after falling asleep, the ethereal enemy desecrated me with a sleepy dream, although without ejaculation due to the imminent awakening, but voluptuousness was diffused throughout the internal organs. I stood up and prayed, twice reading prayers against desecration and prayers regarding the expectation of the Last Judgment of Christ. Then it didn't happen. (Two cassocks were put on: one [...], new; I took it off and put on the other.) November 6. Nine and a half o'clock in the morning. After early mass. Today I suffered a lot mentally, and rightly so, for my grief and anger at the psalm-reader Joseph Babenko, who slept through the beginning of Matins in the House of Diligence (in the church): sorrow, oppression and scorching fire were in my soul during Matins (there was no mass) and after mass (and at the end of mass at dismissal there was sorrow from the memory). Society for the benefit of needy students of the Bologovsky Technical Railway School. (Sent one hundred rubles on November 7, 1897.) How much senselessness, absurdity, ugliness, darkness, violence, evil charm in our passions! Seeing a woman’s beauty, a person is seduced by sight and touch, mind and heart, greedily drinks into someone else’s beauty and wants to take possession of it, tangibly enjoy it; seeing ugliness, ugliness, coarseness of the face, wrinkles of old age, he turns away from him with his heart and sight, not even wanting to look at him. Or, [for example, in] envy: seeing others have beautiful houses, bright, clean, tall, comfortable, well-decorated chambers, or rich icons and all kinds of beautiful household utensils, I am ready to ache in my soul that such splendor belongs not to him, but to others, although he himself has all the wealth and splendor of a home, furniture, utensils, beautiful clothes, silver and gold and precious stones! What a wild, absurd, ugly passion for visible things! What a fever of everyday, so to speak, tinsel seduction by visible, disappearing things! What negligence about spiritual blessings, immaterial, superior, eternal, about the spiritual wealth of faith, hope and love, dispassion for everything visible! What dislike for our neighbor, whose benefits we would like to use not for our benefit, but to our own detriment! Or in pride, pride, anger: a person never despises his neighbor, especially an equal or lower in rank, service or insignificant in position, poverty, roughness of face or clothing, and does not love him, who is often worthy of love and respect for his simplicity, kindness, and readiness to serve. Oh, the charm of the devil is on everything and on all visible [types], and things, and bodies, and souls of men! And therefore [destroy, man,] all the passions through which the enemy always tries to humiliate God, and our neighbor, and our souls and destroy them with his charm and malice. If we judged ourselves, we would not be judged [1 Cor. 11:31]... We will be condemned at the Last Judgment for the fact that, although we always sinned a lot, we did not judge ourselves in truth, we hid from ourselves the madness and ugliness of sin, we did not correct ourselves and did not atone for our sins with good deeds. November 11. Through the incarnation of the Son of God, humanity was pardoned, recreated, renewed, sanctified, enlightened, desecrated, deified, established! Intelligent, grateful and God-fearing people came to know and feel this invaluable gift of God and used it to save themselves and others, and were saved, having conquered the world and the ruler of the world, and inherited eternal bliss, while the foolish, partial to the world and the flesh, constantly perish in sins and even boast in sins. Glory to Your incarnation, Lord! Glory to the Virgin Mother who embodied You, Representative of the human race, the Christian race! Five and a half o'clock in the morning. Tuesday. November 15. Friday. I am constantly amazed by the terrible, all-conciliatory, all-purifying and all-sanctifying Sacrifice of the Body and Blood of Christ, which continually destroys the works of the devil in the true participants of this universal Sacrifice, which serves as a counterbalance to all sinful abominations in word, in deed and in thought, brought upon us from the first culprit and inventor of sin. How much strength, goodness, mercy, long-suffering, holiness, purification, sanctification, enlightenment, revival, renewal, peace, freedom, spiritual space, deification lies in this Divine, all-reconciling Sacrifice! Glory and thanksgiving to the glorified God in the Trinity for the great deeds of His goodness, truth, mercy, wisdom and omnipotence! What a preponderance of goodness appears all the days and everywhere in the churches of God throughout the entire universe! There is no purer, higher and more divine task [priestly requirement] than to come with the Holy Gifts to the sick and commune them with the Body and Blood of Christ, or to commune the people in church. Listen, priest! November 25. The greatest work of God - the communion of the people of the Holy Mysteries - always do it willingly, diligently, diligently, reverently, patiently, without being burdened by the work, even if there are thousands of people, three, four or five, as it happens; do not allow laziness, reluctance, self-pity, self-sparing, coldness, neglect, grief, irritation, indolence, carnality, partiality, restlessness, haste, discontent, division of heart between the holy cause and the world or self-indulgence, but be completely devoted to this great Sacrament and the holy cause, undividedly, willingly, humbly, selflessly; be afraid to do anything to upset the Lord, who is present essentially, personally, immutably, savingly, purifyingly and sanctifyingly, judgingly, deifyingly in His Holy Mysteries; Be careful that you do not suffer for negligence and division of His righteous anger - sorrow and tightness in your heart (this happened to you, but in warm repentance you begged the Lord to have mercy on you, and He forgave you your sins). It’s a strange thing: sometimes we are in a hurry - where? For a cake for the birthday boy or girl! What is our passionate, stupid, vain flesh! Or to please some rich or noble person, or friend and acquaintance, or benefactor, as if anyone could be higher, dearer, sweeter, more beautiful, richer than the Lord Jesus Christ! We are all cursed and vain people. Enlighten and enlighten us, O Lord, Thy unfaithful servants! The Lord God should always be loved more than a father and mother or a sincere friend, because He gave parents love for their children, and mutual love for friends, and gave every person love for those like themselves. It is alien to nature and dumb not to love one’s own kind, especially since it would be wild in the rational and verbal nature of human beings. But as a result of man’s fall into sin and the blindness and wildness of his many different passions, he often, often does not love the offspring of his womb or loves incorrectly and he himself introduces moral and physical corruption into his children, which happens especially among false scholars, adulterers, drunkards, gamblers, covetous people and hoarders. The love of the Lord God for people surpasses all understanding, for He, after the free fall of man, the righteous curse and his casting into aphid and destruction, used an extraordinary means for his salvation - the incarnation and incarnation of His Only Begotten Son, life, personal teaching, inhuman suffering and His death - for deliverance from curse and death and granting [him] again blessing and eternal life, and planted His Church on earth - this is a wonderful, holy, Divine, all-saving institution, school, physician, nourisher, renewer of the human race. This is God’s love for us humans, surpassing all mind, all understanding. It is fitting for everyone to understand this surpassing love of Christ, says the Apostle Paul [Eph.3:19]. November 29. In the morning I was voiceless and with extreme difficulty in a hoarse voice I read the canons in church during Matins; Mass was celebrated almost silently and my heart was sad and cold. Reason: extremely blizzardy weather, cold, quickly giving way to clear skies, and fifteen-degree frost. I thank You, Lord, supreme, wise, magnificent 96, most beautiful, omnipotent Creator and Artist of all creatures, who created everyone and everything with amazing splendor and amazing beauty, and especially the crown of earthly creatures - man, and especially created from the rib. You created everything purely, beautifully, beneficially, unblemished. But grant me the grace to look purely, unblamely, sinlessly at all Your works and at the most beautiful work of Your hands - the female sex in all its members and to love You, the Artist, with all my heart, to cleave to You, to admire You, to love You with all my heart, to cleave to You with all my soul. The enemy flatters and wrestles with my soul. With you I will defeat him. Archpriest I. Sergiev. What must be opposed to the obvious, in person and in a picture and in a statue, or in the imagination and memory, to the actual temptation of fornication and adultery? What can be opposed to voluptuousness and the charm of carnal lust? What should a passionate soul be given in return for its passion? – We need a living faith in the supreme, incorruptible, personal, incomparable beauty, from which all beauty in heaven and on earth originated and which calls us all to its pure, incorruptible, unblemished pleasure; one must imagine the invisible beauty of the human soul, which imparts beauty to the body, which without a soul is cold, dead and ugly and does not in the least attract to itself, but, on the contrary, repels; we must remember the corruption and impurity of the living body, for it is constantly defiled by sins; We must remember that our soul is defiled and alienated from God and through one unrighteous thought and dies for Him through sin, for sin separates from God; we must remember that fornication corrupts the body and soul, darkens and weakens, and covers with shame and disgrace; we must remember the charm of the enemy and the networks of the enemy, spread out everywhere in the world for both careless and cautious people; we must remember the true purpose for which sexual desire and lust are implanted in a person: this goal is procreation and the multiplication of the human race, and without this lust the human race could be destroyed, just as if the urge and desire for food and drink, or the desire to satisfy hunger and thirst had not been implanted in us, then people would not eat and drink and would die from impotence and lack of nutrition; This is why female beauty arouses desire, but the desire is legitimate and timely, and not disorderly and untimely; why the convenience and sweetness of communication and the swiftness and speed of the act of communicating the sexes, so that conception does not depend on those communicating, sometimes not wanting childbirth, but only sexual pleasure. This pleasure is given as an incentive and encouragement to childbearing, and not for the pleasure itself, as a means, and not as an end. Remember that you yourself owe your existence, after God, precisely to this pleasure of intercourse: if there were no sweetness, there would be no conception, there would be no you. Respect the laws of the Creator, the wise, holy, incorruptible. On November 29, on the eve of our church holiday 97, I found myself without a voice and in the most painful state of mind from a feeling of weakness and despondency and the inability to speak exclamations at the liturgy. This happened due to severe snowy weather with wind from the east from St. Petersburg, from where it brought all the factory smoke, all the fumes and uncleanliness. Scrofula rolled like a stone onto the laryngeal organs, as if on purpose, and completely deprived me of my voice. I was forced to stay at home for several days (three days). There was a strong scrofulous leak from both ears, and my deafness increased. Even on Thursday and Friday, I felt a change in my chest, a heaviness after spending the night in the Resurrection Convent and serving Matins and Liturgy there - from the stale air. Oh, scrofula! Oh, illness! Oh, decay! But how easy it became for me after the discovery of scrofula and after the flow of unclean moisture! Or don’t you understand how the goodness of God leads you to repentance? Because of your cruelty and unrepentant heart, you store up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath and revelation of God’s righteous judgment [Rom. 2:4–5]. Who inspired you to flee from future wrath? produce fruit worthy of repentance... [Matthew 3:7–8]. Where is the danger in the fight against sin? – In the delights of the sin of self-love, carnality, self-pity, ambition, lust for power, in the delights of wealth, beauty, sweetness, in the delights of earthly, carnal satisfaction, bodily peace, in the delights of malice, envy, self-indulgence, waywardness, disobedience, laziness, negligence, in the delights of carnal joy, self-frenzy, self-forgetfulness, for example in wine, dancing, the theater, the charm of novelty, curiosity, vain knowledge. Every sinner who sincerely turns to God must fully hope for all gracious help from God in his struggle with sins, passions and all kinds of sinful habits, only he must sincerely and undoubtedly believe in God and diligently call on Him for help and sincerely hate sin and diligently repent with the pure intention of not succumbing to sin in the future; All the saints, the Mother of God Herself, the holy Guardian Angels and saints of God, spiritual fathers and shepherds appointed by God to save and guide those seeking salvation, the conscience of every person is this incorruptible, strict and truthful judge, just listen to him diligently and incessantly. How does sin seduce and, so to speak, bribe a person? Imaginary sweetness, satisfaction of self-love, ambition, pride, envy, greed, passion for property, possession, contentment, peace: you have a lot of good things for many years: rest, eat, drink, be merry [Luke 12:19]. December 7, 1897. Truly, there are two people in a person: the old and the new (although both are one indivisible), the good and the evil, the evil and the simple. Both have their own eyes that see - one correctly, the other wrongly; your ears, your taste, your touch, your smell, your sights, your intentions, your thoughts, your feelings, your goals, your means to an end, your pleasures, your memory, your imagination, your energy, your fears, your hopes, your joys and sorrows, your friends and your enemies, your accomplices and opponents. And every person who has not achieved holiness and firmness in faith and piety serves daily either one or another of his own: either God or the devil. Each person solves the task of his life either in one direction or another: either the task of God, or the task of the enemy; achieves [the implementation or] the intentions of God or the intentions of the ethereal enemy, either salvation or destruction. November 10, 97. What touching, selfless love was expressed yesterday during my crossing from Oranienbaum to Kronstadt, and in the midst of strong winds and pitching. When the splashes from the waves began to splash me, the women and girls protected me with themselves, becoming a wall around me, while they themselves shivered from the cold wind and the spray! Save them, Lord, and have mercy and grant them complete pleasure in You. The Holy Church is the greatest, holiest, most gracious, wise, necessary institution of God on earth, this is the true tabernacle of God, which the Lord set up, and not man [Heb. 8:2], not Luther, or Calvin, or Mohammed and Confucius, or other similar sinful, passionate people. The Church is a divinely established union of people united by faith, teaching, hierarchy and the Sacraments; this is the spiritual militia of Christ, armed with spiritual full armor against the all-armed countless hordes of the devil, for our struggle is not against blood and flesh, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against the spirits of wickedness in high places [Eph.6:12]; this is a spiritual clinic, where humanity, sickened by the ulcer of sin, is healed by grace-filled healings given from God: repentance, and communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, the all-healing Body and Blood of Christ, and the word of God, and instructions, advice and consolations of the shepherds of the verbal flock of Christ; it is the common font of purification, regeneration and sanctification; this is the sanctuary of God, in which everyone is sanctified by the Holy Spirit through Baptism, Confirmation and other sacraments and worship; this is the spiritual sun in the world, enlightening and reviving everyone [sitting] in darkness and the shadow of death and killed by sins. December 10. Yesterday and today it was very cold - fifteen degrees. The cold makes my stomach upset and is constantly churning. The former minister of the court, Count Ilarion Ivanovich Vorontsov, had a son, Ivan Ilarionovich, who died from a minor wound received on a royal hunt, from blood poisoning. This is what hunting costs. A terrible lesson from God. I heard this from Prince Shakhovsky. Glory to the life-giving Mysteries, the most pure Body and Blood of the Lord: where my physical strength leaves me (extreme indigestion), there the grace of the Holy Mysteries preserves and strengthens me. My strength does not leave me, for the Lord is omnipotent (I was driven by an upset stomach twenty times a day). December 13, 1897. On the fourth day (from December 9) from the onset of severe diarrhea (on the third day I had to go to the toilet twenty times a day), it became clear what was causing it. This is the flooding of scrofula and the cleansing from it by the action of beneficent nature, or rather by God, since God acts through it. The diarrhea has stopped, but the scrofulous matter from the left ear is in full swing, and every now and then it is necessary to remove the flowing odorous moisture from it. The leak occurred due to the fragrant honey that I consumed with tea, and two soft-boiled eggs that I ate. But how easy it is for the entire bodily organism when the scrofulous matter comes out in abundance, freeing the insides of the body from rottenness. What a mercy of God - diarrhea and matter leaking from the ear or both ears! This is the renewal of an organism permeated with cadaverous, fetid matter! And how I feared for myself, for my existence, when my stomach was constantly driving me to the latrine and I thought that I would completely pass away through extremely frequent bowel movements! And once again in my life this cleansing of nature took place at different times of the year: sometimes in summer, sometimes in spring, sometimes in autumn or winter. Glory to the Lord, who still gives me life and renews me and frees me from the stench of corruption! December 15, 1897. I thank You, Lord, for You gave me still life after the extreme upset of my stomach, when I thought that my strength was about to completely leave me and I would descend into incorruption. But You only indicated the best and easiest outcome for my long-standing (since birth) illness of scrofula and expelled corruption from me. I praise Your goodness and wisdom and Your unceasing providence for me. December 21, 1897. How many times does the destroyer, the evil hunter, catch me every day, wanting to destroy me completely, and how many times does the Lord save me through faith in Him and deep repentance, and how quickly, so powerfully. The enemy is quick as lightning to attack me at every hour, but the Lord is quicker to salvation. Glory to the Lord, who has mercy and saves me constantly. December 22. In relation to the three city guards, who protected the cities from misfortunes and generally ill-intentioned people, the Lord Jesus Christ divided human life on earth into the first, second and third guards [Luke 12:36–38]. In fact, a person’s life must be a constant guard in order to preserve soul and body from visible and invisible enemies, thieves and robbers. Vigilant invisible enemies are constantly treacherous over us, trying in every possible way to seduce, wound, defile, and destroy us. Be, man, constantly on guard of your soul. Watch and pray at all times, says the Lord, that you may flee from all these and stand before the Son of Man as those who pray without ceasing [Luke 21:36]. December 24. When tempted to the sin of carnal voluptuousness, immediately, with reverence of spirit, imagine the indescribable beauty of the face of God and the inexpressible sweetness in the communion of righteous souls with God, and preserve purity of heart with all your might, for the pure in heart... will see God [Matthew 5:8], and remember the greatest harm from carnal voluptuousness, which has destroyed many forever. December 24, 1897. I thank the Lord and the Hypostatic Word, who gave me an intelligent and anointed with the Holy Spirit word on the day of the Nativity of Christ, published in the local newspaper “Kotlin”. He who does not gather with Me scatters [Matthew 12:30]. Confess yourself guilty against this saying of my Sweetest Savior. I squander, and do not collect, spiritual goods, the spiritual treasure of faith and virtue. Every day I satisfy my belly with greed and am satiated; every day I get carried away, albeit for a minute and several times, by voluptuous views and lusts, unclean images and memories; Every day I read idle talk, secular newspapers (although for many they are not empty talk, but they are useful), every day I squander spiritual wealth - this is wasting, not gathering. What answer will I give? Here are the holy saints who labored unremittingly all their lives, sometimes hopelessly for many years, prayed, fasted, worked, endured, suffered, collected all their lives and did not squander it - and for what a wealth of holiness, spiritual light and good [deeds] they collected, how they were confirmed in love for God, for people, how they crucified the multi-passionate flesh and completely subjugated it to the spirit! For this reason they are now eternally happy and pleased. I constantly, every day, squander the grace of God acquired through many tears and prayers! Damn man I am! When will I be more attentive to myself, more reasonable, more compassionate, more virtuous? How weak in spirit I am and subject to all sorts of temptations! How conveniently the devil and his angels take me captive! When I will be firm and unshakable! In His Church, the Lord treats us as a Creator and a skillful Artist and Recreator, as a Father, as a wise Doctor and Savior, Provider, Director of life, Nourisher, Lawgiver, Leader of His spiritual army, Combatant, Winner; man in His hands is a rational creation in His image, destined for immortality, fallen, crushed, defiled, rejected from God for sins; having been under a curse, but redeemed by the mercy and generosity of the Only Begotten Son of God, restored from the fall, delivered from the curse, honored again by the blessing of the Heavenly Father through the intercession and merits of the Son, delivered from the darkness of sins, illuminated by the heavenly light of the Gospel of Christ; recreated, boiled 98 from the rust and impurity of sin, washed in a mysterious bath, scented with holy myrrh and imprinted with the seal of the Holy Spirit of God on all feelings, guided along the path of salvation to the heavenly Kingdom and bliss; strengthened in the fight against sin and nasty evil forces by the Lord Himself by the grace of the Holy Spirit, mysteriously nourished by heavenly Bread, led by visible shepherds who have spiritual authority from the Most Powerful Head of the Church, the Lord Jesus Christ. After this, you ask: why are there such and such Sacraments in the Church, why the priesthood and shepherding, why churches, why worship, why the constant preaching of the word of God? Why repentance, why communion of the Holy Mysteries? All this is necessary for revival, enlightenment, guidance, reinforcement, nutrition, consolation of a fallen, defiled, corrupted, perishing person. This is why the grace of Baptism, re-creation, restoration and renewal from the Holy Spirit is needed. You are honored with the greatest honor, man: you are appointed to be the bearer of the Divinity [2 Pet. 1:4], a God-bearer. Have you heard about the God-bearing fathers who constantly had God within them as in living churches not made by hands? And you must be the same God-bearer: for this you have been given to partake of the Flesh and Blood of the God-Man Christ, so that that is, the Lord will always abide in you, according to His word and promise: He who eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood abides in Me, and I in him [John 6:56]. The example of the baptized Lord in the Jordan serves as the most obvious proof of the need for baptism for a sinner. If the sinless, needless Lord was baptized by John, then shouldn’t we be baptized by a priest authorized by the Lord? The life of a Christian in the Gospel is likened to the military guards of the first, second and third [Luke 12:36–38], and this instills the Christian’s constant vigilance over his thoughts, feelings, movements of the will, vigilance regarding the ethereal enemies who are constantly attacking us and seeking to devour us to the end. The holy saints were on spiritual guard day and night: they constantly prayed, fasted, worked, leading a contemplative and active life. Our whole life should truly be a guardian: it is short, the task we have to solve is great and complex, and there are extremely many enemies who attack viciously, insidiously and powerfully. Let us be wise as serpents and simple as doves [Matthew 10:16]. Our old man is completely opposite to the new: the old has evil vision, evil hearing, evil and unclean touch; smell, touch, taste are unclean, imagination and [...] are cunning and unclean, the mind is unclean, the heart is unclean and the will is unclean, intentions and enterprises are unclean, all activities are disgusting to God, because they are full of pride, self-indulgence, self-interest. December 29. The change of weather makes a painful change in my bodily system: today the cold south-east wind quickly turned south-west in the afternoon, quite warm, and I began to have severe pain in the lower back, barely allowing me to get up. But this can happen to famous patients, and death can suddenly occur for a weak person. There is no higher and more glorious service than serving the sick and, in their person, Christ God Himself, who said: I was sick, and you visited Me [Matthew 25:36], especially when we commune them at home with the Holy Mysteries, for due to their weakness they cannot come to church. Serve them willingly, humbly, with joy, without complaint, without anger; even if you notice shortcomings and sins behind them, forgive generously, remembering your sins. January 1, 1898. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to enter into a new summer of His goodness. Grant me this summer to completely appropriate myself to You in righteousness and holiness and to alienate myself from what is alien both from the flesh and from the world. Sin in countless types of earthly lusts and passions constantly intensifies between God and man. Our multi-passionate flesh, or the enemy through the flesh, is constantly at enmity against God and against our soul, against its closeness and love for God, and with all its might it tries to extinguish the love for God with love for the world and its charms and temptations. Therefore, to love God, one must hate one’s flesh in the sense of its passions and lusts and hate the world in the sense of its ungodly and corrupt customs; you need constant vigilance over yourself, over your five senses, over your heel (flesh) 99 so as not to be carried away to sin by the temptations of other flesh or a voluptuous picture, or the beauty of a woman’s face or some clothing, or the shine of precious stones, gold, silver, the whiteness of marbles, the beauty of buildings, the decoration of rooms, the grace of fonts, printing, binding of books or sculptures sculptures - everything that flatters the eye, taste, touch, or that through the ear relaxes and pampers the soul and flesh. Everywhere in the world, enmity against God reigns through the enemy, through everything and in everything. Therefore, the holy saints despised the world and its delights, as well as their many-passionate flesh, hostile to God, and did not spare it, exhausting it with labor, fasting, vigil, prayer, spiritual contemplation, obedience in everything to elders, and thus achieved perfect love for God. John restrained Him and said: I need to be baptized by You, and are You coming to me? But Jesus answered him: leave it now, for thus it is fitting for us to fulfill all righteousness [Matthew 3:14–15]. We must pay the deepest and reverent attention to all the words and actions of the Savior, for these are the words and actions of the God-man, the words of the highest infallible truth and wisdom, the words and deeds of our common Physician and Redeemer, which we must know and fulfill. Everything He said and did is a commandment, instruction or advice for us. The greatest truth and wisdom of God, the deepest humility, condescension, rebirth, peace and salvation, our bliss, were and are manifested in them. Everything that He did and taught was accomplished according to the eternal council in the Holy Trinity, a council that had as its goal our salvation and glory. That is why the Lord spoke about those who opposed His words and deeds to the Pharisees: the Pharisee and the women of the law rejected the advice of God for themselves [Luke 7:30], while the tax collectors and harlots believed Him and went ahead of you, the Pharisees, into the Kingdom of God [Matthew 21:32,31]. When assessing the words and deeds of our Lord Jesus Christ, we must remember that He is a Combatant, who spoke from the first day of His coming to earth until His death and burial and resurrection and ascension into heaven, a Combatant, who entered into single combat with the common enemy of our salvation and the glory of God - the devil, and all His vision (providence), His words and deeds, statutes, commandments, parables, advice are aimed at to achieve both Him and us, decisively over the enemy - the murderer, the seducer and the slanderer - a complete victory and crush his hostile head. And He begins His great, unparalleled service by fulfilling all the truth of God, extreme humility, obedience in everything to His Heavenly Father, to Whom we turned out to be disobedient at the very beginning, becoming participants in the devil’s pride and disobedience and the desire to become equal to God. In the economy of God about the salvation of the human race, and in particular in the incarnation of the Son of God, in His den and humble swaddling clothes, in the flight from Herod, in circumcision, in the gradual growth and progress in wisdom and love with God and men [Luke 2:52], in His baptism, fasting, temptation in the desert, in the labors of preaching heavenly teachings to people, in In the ingratitude and deceit of people against Him and in mockery, in the suffering of the cross and in death, marvelous goodness, truth, immeasurable wisdom and mercy of God were revealed regarding the fallen human race and God’s most tender fatherly care for its salvation. God! I thank You every day for deliverance from the manifold malice of the enemy acting in me, and from all kinds of sins and passions attacking me, a sinner and weakling, repenting before Your truth and goodness. The old man has his own language, his own words, expressions, his own vocabulary (unprintable swear words), his own views, ideas, impressions, habits, desires, intentions, his own goals and ways to achieve them. (See below through the sheet at the end of the left page 100.) The devil has his own means of seducing into fornication: unclean dreams, in reality - paintings, voluptuous statues (naked women), voluptuous books. I notice that my many-passionate flesh always and everywhere fights me, especially when serving others for the soul, or for the body, or both, and often drags me along with it, forcing me to do its harmful lusts. So I often treat the poor sick with reluctance, contempt and hostility, when there are many of them and everyone demands from me communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ, and I quickly, not cordially, carelessly perform confession and communion, rushing to property persons, from whom I receive rewards and hospitality (bodily [institutions 102, - food and drink). The flesh, or the old man, dominates my spirit, or my spiritual needs, and I do not even anger the Lord with the evil aspirations of my heart; Only sorrow and spiritual distress again turn me to the Lord with repentance. The wonderfully all-conquering mercy of God, dominating over our countless sins through the all-conciliatory sacrifice of the Son of God on the cross; The immeasurable sea of our soul, stormed by countless passions, is constantly, daily and hourly tamed by faith in the Lord through the prayer of repentance, especially through communion with faith and a contrite heart of the most pure Body, broken for us, and the most pure Blood, shed for us for the remission of sins, and I daily sing a victorious song to my God, cry out, cry out and say: Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord of Hosts, fill heaven and earth with Your glory - the glory of Your goodness, Your truth and Your mercy; Daily and hourly, by this victory, all the works of the devil in me, all the masses, all the networks of sin, all malice, wickedness, all the cunning and intentions of the evil one, are destroyed by this victory. There is no winter - spring is in December and January. People have perverted the order of nature and the moral law with their unrighteous lives, and nature, created for man, violated its order as a punishment to people. Seeing everywhere in the world, in all creatures great and small, inimitable beauty that attracts and delights our hearts, raise your mental, spiritual gaze to the original, uncreated beauty - to the first uncreated Personal Mind, to the first Goodness and Beauty, to the Hypostatic Wisdom, the infinite Goodness, which created everything according to one goodness, not driven to creation by any necessity, no need, for She is all-satisfied and all-blessed in Herself, and do not be seduced by the beauty of visible creatures, as corruptible and transitory, but cling with your heart to the supreme, eternal, personal goodness - to God, who can completely fill and bless your soul as the end and end of all our desires. Repent, for the Kingdom of Heaven is at hand [Matthew 4:17]. The Kingdom of Heaven has drawn near, but has not taken root in the hearts of people, because they are unclean, but the Kingdom of Heaven is righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit [Rom.14:17]. We must prepare ourselves to accept it by sincere repentance, love truth and hate lawlessness. And how close the Kingdom of God is to us! Christ God Himself rests in the Holy Mysteries and daily invites us to receive the Kingdom of God within us, saying: take, eat: this is My body... drink of it, all of you: this is My blood of the New Testament... [Matthew 26:26,28]. Do we repent? Are we not deceiving ourselves and do we want to deceive God with our hypocritical repentance? Let's be sincere. He who does not gather scatters [Matthew 12:30; Luke 11:23]. Doesn’t Apostle Paul’s description of the morals of the people who lived in his time apply to our time and to the people of our day? He wrote this about the people of that time: they are full of all untruth, fornication, wickedness, covetousness, malice, filled with envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, slanderers, slanderers, haters of God, offenders, self-praise, proud, resourceful for evil, disobedient to parents, reckless, treacherous, unloving, irreconcilable, unmerciful [Rom.1:29–31]. Where carnal love begins, true, spiritual love ends and real enmity begins against God and people, even those closest to them: a husband who loves another woman becomes an enemy and enemy of his [wife] and his family, and he loves a criminal only in a bestial way, for the sake of vile pleasure. Psalm 97, verse 9: The Lord comes, as he comes to judge the earth: to judge the world with righteousness, and people with righteousness. And so that God’s judgment does not find us unprepared and suddenly, the Holy Church prepares us for it annually, weekly, daily and hourly with Divine services, frequent confession and communion of the Holy Mysteries. Why don’t we correct ourselves, why do we lie to ourselves and to God? - From sinful pride and especially because of friendship for one’s own multi-passionate flesh, carnality, voluptuousness, greed, amorousness and amorousness - in a word, from addiction to the visible, tangible, perishable, temporary. Why does the enemy overcome people, making them slaves to insane lusts? – From addiction to the same flesh, from lack of faith and inability to pray. Examine the inner state of your soul and eradicate all evil from the depths of it: when hearing or reading about human misfortunes and misfortunes (deaths, fires, falling through the ice and all sorts of others), do you experience gloating, malice, rancor or coldness and insensibility, contempt, inattention, negligence, laziness, indifference of heart (when visiting the sick)? Correct yourself immediately, crucify your pride, affirm in your soul love for God and your neighbors. January 9. A quick change from warm, damp, stormy weather to cold (from the southwest, flooding occurred, moving to the north); mild headache; pain in the lower back, barely allowing you to walk; at night on the 10th - foul-smelling matter flows from the ear, as a result of which the back pain goes away; This means there was scrofula in the back, in the vertebrae. I thank the Lord, who calls it out and saves me from its painful consequences. Bitter are the fruits of dislike and disobedience, pride and self-pity: with anger and vexation I refused to go to the lively old woman Euphemia in Murashova’s house, [angered] her, and it was hard for me: extreme sorrow and tightness in my soul, from which I got rid of by deep repentance in Motin’s house, having arrived in Oranienbaum. Draw close to God, and He will draw close to you [James 4:8]. If we here on earth do not draw closer to God, do not remove from ourselves the sins of pride, hardness of heart, anger, irritation, pride in dealing with the poor, stinginess, greed, laziness, then how will we draw closer to Him after death? For there is no repentance in hell [Ps.6:6]. We need to practice more in listening or reading the word of God, which teaches us to draw closer to God and live according to Christ. January 15, 1898. I thank the Lord, who made it possible to safely cross the bay in a strong south-west wind with the rise of water and the bridge and the accumulation of surface (on top of the ice) water. We stood there for an hour and thought and said that we should go back. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me for repentance and secret heartfelt prayer after I became angry with Euphrosyne Nikolaevna, my old companion, for taking me with the Holy Gifts not to where I wanted (although she did it unintentionally), but to another place, where it should have been, as it turned out, since the young Countess Grabbe had already received communion after giving birth. I became very angry and upset and outraged and hurt myself, oppressed myself, inflicting spiritual death on myself, but through repentance and prayer I again received from the Lord forgiveness, peace, freedom, spiritual space, strength and boldness. These are your masters: the sick, the blind, the lame, the dry, the blind, the lepers, the beggars, the mourning - serve them. The Lord Himself accepts service through them. You are carried by the Cherubim. Be reverent and humble. Don’t complain, don’t be cowardly, don’t be irritated; be worthy of such service. January 16th 1898. How venerable is the office of the priesthood, how great and saving and wonderful is the grace of the priesthood! Through the priesthood, the Lord performs great and saving deeds in people: he cleanses and sanctifies people, animals, all the elements, delivers people from the evildoing of demons, revives people in the bath of restoration, renews, strengthens, transforms bread and wine into the most pure Body and Blood of the God-Man Himself, performs marriage and makes the marriage honest and the bed undefiled, resolves sins, heals illnesses, reconciles the justice of God with sinners repentant, turns the earth into heaven, turns the churches created by the hand of man into the villages of the Lord Almighty, unites heaven with earth, man with God, makes one council 103 of Angels and men, comforts the sad, strengthens the weak and makes them strong, so that the power of God is especially perfected in weaknesses [2 Cor. 12:9], and brings down the abundance of grace there, where sin abounded [Rom.5:20]. How great, wonderful, beautiful and saving is the grace of the priesthood and what are people deprived of who do not have a legal, correct, effective, divinely established priesthood: Lutherans, Protestants, Reformers, schismatics, sectarians, heretics, excommunicated from the Church! How should those who have the rank of priesthood: bishops, priests, deacons - treasure this grace and serve themselves and people pleasingly to God for salvation and God’s glory! Honor the priests primarily with love for their work, says the holy Apostle [1 Thess. 5:13]. What are people deprived of without the priesthood, what blessings, what grace and mercy of God? They are deprived of the entire work of salvation! It is not in vain that the Lord Himself, the Accomplice of our salvation, is called High Priest forever after the order of Melchizedek [Heb. 6:20], and He has an imperishable, eternal priesthood, being always alive to intercede for us. He is the Head and Perfecter of the priesthood that exists on earth, together with the Sanctifier and Perfecter of the Holy Spirit. Why were dumb animals slaughtered as sacrifices at the command of God in the Old Testament? To show that in order to be reconciled with God, a person must slay in himself the wordless passions that give rise to death in a person, spiritual and physical. Mortify your members on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil lust and covetousness, which is idolatry [Col.3:5]. It is not in vain that the Holy Church has accorded such splendor and such glory to bishops, priests and deacons, especially to bishops and priests during and outside their ministry, clothes them in the splendor of sacred robes and surrounds them with honors befitting their rank! Priests bear the dignity of Christ Himself, the eternal High Priest! May the priesthood of Christ be honored forever! This is not the dreamy priesthood of Mohammed or Buddhism or Lamaism, but true, living, effective, saving. The use of holy icons in Orthodox and all other Christian societies is necessary because, among other reasons, the Lord, the Most Holy Theotokos, the holy Angels and holy saints are inaccessible to our mortal vision in their heavenly, wonderful glory, but in holy icons they are accessible, tangible, so to speak, and our dual nature, spiritual and physical, requires a visible, tactile image and the Body itself and The Blood of Christ in Communion under the guise of bread and wine. Therefore, the Lord, condescending to our weakness, depicted Himself on the ubrus 104 and gave [it] up for worship, piety, healing, consolation to people for all ages, therefore He gave us the most pure Body and Blood, therefore He seals us with the world in Confirmation for the visible communication of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. Glory to our Lord Jesus Christ for this. January 23. In the incarnation, life and teaching on earth of the Lord Jesus Christ, in His suffering and death, in general in God’s economy for our salvation, all the goodness, truth, wisdom and omnipotent power of God was expressed in a tangible way: in the reconciliation of sinners with God, in the victory of the Lord over the enemies of our salvation, in the abolition of the righteous curse of the Heavenly Father, spoken in the beginning to our forefathers and all people, in the granting of blessings and all the strength to life and piety [2 Pet. 1:3], in the foundation of the Church and the victory of her sons and daughters over all the machinations of hell, which is allowed by God for the time being to wage war with the members of the Kingdom of God, in the wonderful, countless and terrible, saving powers of God, who strengthened the martyrs and martyrs and all the councils of the saints, in the work of their salvation and glorification, in the work of this salvation hitherto and in the wondrous, all-powerful victories of God’s grace over the forces of hell fighting man, in the wondrous long-suffering and mercy of God towards humanity drowning in sins, in the grace-filled cleansing, sanctification, strengthening and renewal of it in the holy Sacraments of the one and only saving Church. Hell is still fighting with heaven according to the assumption of the truth of God, long-suffering and crowning ascetics and winners, but the time will come when enemies visible and invisible will be finally defeated and all will be placed at the footstool of the Savior and God and His faithful servants, and the last enemy will be destroyed - death [1 Cor. 15:24-26]. Glory to the goodness, truth, wisdom and omnipotent power of God that creates and renews humanity. The evidence of the truth of the Savior’s words is clear: He who eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood abides in Me, and I in him [John 6:56]; Every day I perform the Liturgy with reverence and partake of the Holy Mysteries, and these are the fruits of this communion: my purification, sanctification, renewal, victory over passions, spiritual peace, freedom, boldness, joy in the Holy Spirit, prayer for myself and for others, accompanied by miracles inside and outside, in souls and bodies; healing from prosphoras and from everything that I drink and eat and give to others who accept with faith; the life-giving blessing taught by my hand; [the joy of] communicating with me in prayers and conversations with people. Without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness, says the Apostle in Hebrews 9:22. Yes, and according to the law, almost everything in the Old Testament was cleansed with blood. And the first covenant was not established without blood. For Moses, having spoken all the commandments according to the law before all the people, took the blood of bulls and goats with water and scarlet wool and hyssop, and sprinkled both the book itself and all the people, saying, “This is the blood of the covenant which God has commanded you.” He also sprinkled blood on the tabernacle and all the liturgical vessels. [Heb.9:18-21]. How does sin take us captive every day? – Our excessive love for ourselves and our contempt, pride and dislike for our neighbor, charm, darkness, blindness, violence, for sin itself is ugliness, meaninglessness, extreme harm and destruction, torment, shameful captivity, slavery to the most inhuman and cruel tyrant - the devil, removal from God, the source of life. January 28, 1898. I thank the Lord for His merciful, unceasing, unchanging mercy, His prompt obedience and sovereign intercession from enemies and sins every day. How close You are always to me, Lord, and quick to obey! How long-suffering and abundantly merciful! And I am so changeable, unfaithful and fickle, crafty and passionate! How helpful is every sin! But teach and strengthen me to stand good, O Lord! Be patient with me again and again! Eternal enmity towards God nests, lives and acts in our flesh, and the more we please it, the more it grows and intensifies, and therefore, to please God it is necessary and absolutely necessary to abandon all friendship towards it and crucify it with passions and lusts! Those who are Christ's have crucified the flesh with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. Friendship with the world is enmity against God [James 4:4]. No one can serve two masters... You cannot serve God and mammon [Matthew 6:24]. Carnal lusts include: pride, carnality, gluttony, drowsiness, greed, love of money, fornication with all lustful thoughts, hardness of heart, laziness in prayer, passion for clothes, for luxury in everything, envy, hatred, contemplation, partiality, reading secular, only secular books, dances, dances, clubs, masquerades, singing secular songs, playing cards, kisses, passionate hugs, flattering speeches, deceit, deception. Look - if you are not reborn from the Lord, then, perhaps, you will be reborn into the devil, who is trying in every possible way to liken us to him, the enemy of God and men (through fornication, uncleanness, malice, envy, greed, hard-heartedness). January 30, 1898. January 30. Today at early mass I sinned gravely, although involuntarily, before the Lord: I secretly became embittered against sexton Kiselyov for something for which I should be thanking him: for singing in the choir, which I had long forbidden him for a long time under the pretext of violating harmony, although he is not a bad, but a decent singer, has a voice and knows the notes. I was severely embarrassed at his singing for disobedience and simply for his voice and singing, but really out of contempt that the former wine-seller-sacristan sings partes singing 105 (I should rejoice and thank God that I have a good assistant and singer). My confusion and grief were so great that I could not calmly read prayers and say exclamations at the most important moments of the liturgy. And then I made a remark to him so that, with a full complement of singers, he should not sing along with them and should not go to the choir. It was a breath of devilish envy and contempt in me, just as a similar thing happened at the coronation of the Emperor, when, through [his] sexton’s machinations, he received a gold watch and a medal for his frock coat. And we must be kind to him in every possible way as a brother and co-worker. Forgive me, Lord, change my heart. Wonderful: what I wrote earlier, on the previous page, is exactly what happened to me. The envious enemy made me like himself through envy, pride and malice with one attack. And all this happened through my gluttony and satiety the day before in St. Petersburg with Trofim Ivanovich Chakhotin. Oh, the trouble is gluttony, satiety with delicacy! Love and respect every person, even the smallest, as well as his talents and abilities, and do not envy anyone for anything, but be kind to everyone as to yourself. I was nervous and irritable due to hoarseness and voicelessness. January 31st. Yesterday I was severely tempted by anger, irritation, and scolding at the drunkard Shurtsev’s wife because she insistently demanded that I give communion to my sick daughter, a seamstress, and I myself became upset, having lost peace of mind, and I upset them. But I thank the Lord: He soon accepted my repentance and had mercy on me for His name’s sake and gave me peace, boldness, breadth and joy of heart. On February 1, at night, my right side hurt and scrofulous matter was oozing from my right ear: there would probably be either snow, or a big thaw, or a general change in the weather. Scrofulous well in the right side, cadaverousness and cadaverous smell. God draws our souls to grief, and the enemy - down to the earth; all human pleasures and passions, all sinful inclinations are directed towards the earth, and by the passionate aspirations of the soul for earthly so-called goods it is easy to find out whether our soul is attached to God or to the earth, to good or to evil. So the theater, for all its praise by some, is an earthly and sinful pleasure, pagan, because its object and goal are earthly, purely earthly pleasures and does not lead anyone to God, unless negatively - through the consciousness of all the vanity of theatrical performances and acting. The Holy Church alone is an institution of God on earth for heaven and heaven. Likewise, all secular writers with their [writings] also lead people only to earthly goods and rarely have Christian morality as their subject; Christian teaching is an alien area for them. They, like actors and actresses, speak the worldly language, and the world listens to them [1 John 4:5]. The whole charm of sin, the charm of the devil lies in distracting the minds and hearts of Christians from Heaven and the Heavenly Fatherland, from the holiness and incorruptibility prepared for us or to which we must strive, and tie, chain to the earth and earthly joys and entertainments, to earthly love, to earthly corruption. February 7, 1898. Rejoice and thank God that every day you have to serve Christ God, our Savior, every day in the person of the sick, the poor, the sad and all other people, especially to partake of the Holy Mysteries of Christ and prove your faith, your humility, obedience and love for God and your neighbor. February 8. Why did the antediluvian people and the inhabitants of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah become extremely corrupted and savage and forget God? From excess in food and drink. Why are today's people corrupted, morally savage and falling away from God and the Church? From excess in food and drink, from celiac and pancreatic rage. Do not get drunk with wine, for in it there is fornication [Eph.5:18]. Everyone should understand us as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God [1 Cor. 4:1], not simple servants, but invested with the power, authority and greatness of Christ, close brothers and friends of Christ, performing His Mysteries in the Church - heavenly, saving Mysteries. The bishop in his Church is like the sun in the world, from him comes light and eternal life, sanctification, reconciliation with God, resolution of sins, guidance in all truth and virtue, from him salvation, he opens and closes heaven for people. He is the first guide to holy life and piety [and guide] to the salvation of believers. He was given great honors in accordance with the greatness of the rank, especially when serving the liturgy. In order to divert our spiritual gaze from the Lord, Who is uncreated, infinite, incomparable and all-blessed beauty, the enemies of our salvation - evil spirits seduce us with the here, visible, momentary, perishable beauty and harmony of forms of the best and most graceful, the most beautiful of God's creations and the crown of creation - man, and especially woman, and captivate us with passion, fiery, wild passion for carnal pleasures, and the means (sweetness) are turned into an end, and the noble, most necessary, vital seminal organ is made an instrument of absurd voluptuousness, defilement, corruption of the soul and body, separation from the Most Pure God. And the woman - oh, madness! - turned into a target of voluptuousness. What could be more deplorable than such madness, such voluptuousness, through which the offspring are killed at the very source, or receiver and queen cell? This is the wickedness of the devil! Such ignorance, such wild human passion! Or, through addiction to food and drink or tobacco, the same demons corrupt the physical taste, the blind and insatiable belly, and through it the entire beautiful, wisely constructed organism and the soul itself, which through blind passion becomes an instrument of voluptuousness and satiety and alien from God. Thus, our enemy turned all the powers of our body, all our senses: sight, hearing, taste, smell and touch into instruments of corruption and defilement and into instruments of blasphemy against God and a means to our destruction. But, man, constantly turn your spiritual gaze and your physical gaze to the highest, incorruptible, brightest beauty - God, from Whom is all bodily beauty, transitory, fading, and all the sweetness of earthly fruits or the sweetness of sexual pleasure, which is given only as a means to childbearing, motivation and encouragement, and not as an end - in the eternal God all our pleasure. Is there any thought, the most absurd, stupid, insane, unclean, wild, is there any most absurd, insane, unclean, crafty, corrupt feeling and absurd, reckless, harmful and destructive desire of the will, which our fallen soul would not be involved in at least for a minute or for a moment? Our soul has experienced all sorts of spiritual winds, storms, and stench due to the natural corruption prevailing in our hearts and from the influence of evil, unclean, absurd and crafty spirits. And the holy fathers bitterly lamented and suffered in their lives and in their writings about the obsessions they experienced in life and the floods of all sorts of nasty, evil and blasphemous thoughts and about the storms of demons, for the demons for our sins were allowed to tempt us in every possible way, so that the real dispositions and aspirations of our souls would be revealed and a strong hope in God would appear and be formed in us and the establishment in us of all virtue. February 14, 1898. Man does not defile and corrupt himself through anything so much as through excess in food and drink and smoking, and especially through illegal, disorderly pleasures obtained through the stimulation of sexual passions and reproductive organs, and through nothing does he so distance himself from the most pure Creator of creatures as through these illegal pleasures, and yet man is not so seduced by anything, does not thirst for anything so much as these pleasures, from youth, and youth stumble in abundance at these pleasures, corrupting themselves and going to an early grave. Unclean spirits are the greatest and constant agents and accomplices of mankind in this defilement and corruption; and Lot’s contemporaries, the inhabitants of five cities, were consumed by heavenly fire precisely for these sins, just like Noah’s contemporaries. Educators of youth must watch over them with special vigilance so that they do not become infected with this shameful and disastrous passion. Our soul and body (like some marvelous musical instrument invented and designed by a wise master), having been damaged by our foolishness and careless, frivolous handling, can no longer be arranged and tuned by anyone other than the same skillful Master and no one else. Therefore, the correction of our being, which we are extremely upset by sin and who perished terribly and is now perishing because of unbelief, negligence and disobedience to our heavenly Creator, Redeemer and Savior, can only be accomplished by the same Savior, His goodness, wisdom, power, through the physician He established on earth - His all-loving Church and its living organs - the clergy and the Sacraments and instructions they perform. We could easily upset our wondrous instrument ourselves through disobedience, but we cannot tune it or correct it ourselves, because, once, it is wisely constructed, and secondly, because we are extremely weak, limited, blind from sins. Sinners extinguished their lamps, given to them by God for their good - reason and conscience, trampled, like dumb pigs, all the gifts of nature, all the wealth of God's goodness. Solomon, having experienced all the earthly pleasures of health and beauty, power, wealth, luxury, earthly splendor, voluptuousness, finally came to the conviction that everything on earth is vanity - youth, beauty, wealth, greatness and glory - and that all the good of man lies in the fear of God and keeping the commandments of God. February 18. I thank the Lord for delivering me repeatedly and quickly every day from the sorrow and oppression of sin and for giving me forgiveness, peace, freedom, boldness and life. Often I get carried away by impatience, anger, irritation, contemplation, momentary dreams of the voluptuous imagination and, immediately repenting, I receive forgiveness. How deceptive sin is and how selfish, carnal, and voluptuous I am! How much earthly fire is still in me, smoldering my soul and body! How much delight there is in sin, in the flesh! How little there is still heavenly, Divine, incorruptible fire! O my flesh! You are both my enemy and my friend! There is both death and belly in you, depending on who and what you direct your lusts to: God or the world and the flesh. Let us learn the art of the arts: to fight sin - our most crafty and powerful enemy. But I say in advance: no one should rely on their strength or intelligence, art or courage to defeat this enemy: no, he is stronger than all of us. Let us hope in the power of God, in the power of Christ our Savior, who defeated our enemy the devil for us and gave us His name, His Cross, His grace and strength for victory over the enemy. He trains our hands to fight and our fingers to fight [Ps. 143:1]. Let's study together. Are you plagued by sins and various passions? And they fight me. Are you being tempted by your enemy? And me too. Are you falling? And I'm falling. But I fall and I always get up. Passions fight and defeat me, for example, anger, pride, envy, lust. - But I immediately repent, pray, cry, strain my faith, hope in the Lord, pray fervently for mercy - and I overcome my passions and my invisible enemies who fight me, and I rise, perceiving a pure heart and a right spirit in my womb, peace, freedom, boldness. February 20. Our carelessness, negligence, and laziness about our salvation are surprising, for how many means, strengths, and conveniences for salvation have been given to us by the many-merciful and all-generous Lord: firstly, the natural thirst of the heart for salvation, peace and triumph in the soul, the light of the mind, the inclination and desire of our will for everything that is true, good, beautiful, honest, sublime; the abundance of grace given to us for salvation and, like a river, flowing in the Church and guiding the souls of believers and thirsty for salvation; the nearness and readiness of the Lord to save us at all times and at every hour; intercession of the Holy Spirit with groanings that cannot be uttered [Rom.8:26]; benefit, assistance of Guardian Angels to salvation; daily worship in church, saving Sacraments, prayers and intercessions of the Mother of God and all saints. “Given all this, it’s amazing how we can perish and not all, all, be saved.” Of course, there is also a lot of opposition to salvation: temptations from the many-passionate flesh, from an adulterous and sinful world, from the devil, who has everywhere placed snares for destruction, our natural sinful corruption, conception and birth in sin, inclinations and habits to sin. But there are far more means to salvation than to destruction. For greater is He who is in you, Christ, than he who is in the world, the devil [1 John 4:4], and all the saints overcame all obstacles and were saved. And we [seem] dozing and sleeping! It's shameful, sinful, painful, deplorable. Sin takes power over us by the fact that it is deeply buried and lodged in us, in our heart, in our multi-passionate flesh, it has made itself a fortress from our own passions: self-love, voluptuousness, ambition, pride, greed, intemperance, doubt, lack of faith, unbelief, freethinking, hypocrisy, partiality, laziness, guile, and with these passions, as strong weapons, shoots us down and takes us captive, cutting us off, removing us from Christ, our true belly. Therefore, anyone who desires salvation must dig, delve deeper into his heart and lay the foundation on the rock, that is, on Christ the Savior [Luke 6:48], on strong, unshakable faith in Him, trust in Him and in no one and nothing else, on strong love for Him and for one’s neighbor. There are exactly two people in me: one is evil, the other is simple; one is God's, the other is the enemy's; one is good, the other is evil; one heavenly, the other earthly; one blessed, the other blasphemous; one humble, the other proud; one is benevolent, the other is malevolent; one peaceful, the other rebellious; one is holy, the other is completely filled with sins; one is clean, the other is bad; one is chaste, the other is prodigal; one is submissive in everything, the other is disobedient and contrary in everything good; one is abstinent, the other is greedy; one is selfless, non-covetous, the other loves selfishness and earthly acquisitions in everything and does not take a single step without selfishness; one is submissive, the other stubborn; one is a believer, the other is unfaithful or doubtful about everything; one hopeful, the other desperate; one is joyful, the other is sad; one is generous, the other is cowardly; one loving and merciful, the other hard-hearted and stingy; one is wise, the other is extremely stupid and absurd; one agrees with himself and with all sound [worldview], the other is contradictory to himself in everything; one is grateful, the other is extremely ungrateful; one [zealous] and diligent, the other extremely lazy and immobile. February 24. The crosses, domes and domes of our Orthodox churches shine with pure gold, like the sun, depicting the glory of Christ, our righteous Sun and Head of the Church, and the sky, starred with mental stars - the Mother of God and all the saints; and other, non-Orthodox confessions do not have such churches: their crosses, domes and domes are for the most part dark and thus clearly show that the heads of their churches are not Christ, from Whom they fell away with their heresies and errors, but mortal men, erring, darkened by the darkness of passions, and therefore [they] cannot in any way be the heads of their churches [and rule] for the salvation of those governed by them, but lead them to destruction and go there themselves. Turn them all, Lord, to the One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church, the only saving one, for there is one God and Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, the Trinity is Consubstantial and there cannot be another saving Church. And the insides of our churches are full of all the splendor of icons and iconostasis, light, the splendor of the holy throne and altars and sacred vestments, also depicting heaven, the throne of God and the lordship of the saints, which in heterodox churches is either very little or not at all, as in Lutheran churches with a cleaned up (according to Lutherans) confession - so cleaned up that you don’t know where standing: in a church or in a secular school, lined with benches. Sin is lawlessness, says the holy Apostle John the Theologian [1 John 3:4], and, therefore, madness, absurdity, self-will, ugliness, abomination, since it comes from a nasty and disgusted fallen spirit; darkness, for its father is the spirit of darkness, which fell from the light; evil violence, for it always acts with violence and deceit, crafty charm, for it always deceives a person, promising him benefit, benefit and pleasant pleasure from committing sin, while it always causes obvious harm, and, finally, sin is death in the bud, for the wages of sin is death [Rom. 6:23]. Sin constantly and in every possible way intensifies to pervert every moral and physical law in man, soul and body, all the powers of the soul: mind, heart, will, memory, imagination, all thoughts, feelings, desires, intentions, words, deeds - turn everything inside out, madden, darken, defile, stink, corrupt, bind soul and body and make the human race a participant in its eternal torment, for it will be said to sinners: go from Me, cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels [Matthew 25:41]. Produce fruits worthy of repentance... [Luke 3:8]. What gives strength [...] to an absurd, ugly and disastrous sin? - By flattery and violence, constancy and persistence in their hellish work in the soul and body of man and through our lack of faith, disbelief, negligence, laziness, passion for the pleasant, sweet and aversion from everything unpleasant for our voluptuous flesh, through conceit, pride, delusion of the mind and heart, through a person’s strong desire to live according to his own will and through a misunderstanding of freedom, which is given by the Creator for the free doing of good and not evil and for every improvement in love for God and neighbors and in every virtue. Produce fruits worthy of repentance [Luke 3:8]. Let us remember the sermon of the great Forerunner to the scribes and Pharisees: brood of vipers! who inspired you to flee from future wrath? [Luke 3:7]. The unclean demon tries to desecrate everything that is pure, legal, and holy, or to present or imagine it in an unclean, distorted, exaggerated form. Oh, how cunning, unclean, insolent, indefatigable, active in his wickedness, in his malice, in his abomination! Who will escape his snares? Every Christian man and woman needs to know and firmly remember the real, real purpose from the Creator of all things in the world, all the abilities of the soul and all members of the body, and in accordance with their purpose and purpose, use them for the good of themselves and people and for the glory of God. Meanwhile, due to our passion, sinfulness and spiritual blindness, we either forget this good purpose of the Creator and pervert His good intentions and use them for evil and destruction for ourselves and people, or [use] immoderately, untimely or completely wrong. How much moral and physical harm comes from this! How much chaos! How much corruption of souls and bodies! February 27, 1898. A wonderful vision of one layman in our church in the name of the holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called, namely the vision of the Savior extending His Divine hands to everyone present during general confession and the resolution of sins by me and embracing everyone. I thank the Lord for this vision and for this mercy, which informs us that the matter of general confession is pleasing to Him and is being done in accordance with His Divine will. Amen. The highest spiritual authority also agrees with this, for the Metropolitan allowed me to do this and permitted it. February 26. Friday of the Second Week of Lent. Today during Matins I almost became the enemy’s plaything and a victim of torment because of hostility for a few minutes at the service of Father Andrei Schildsky, because of his claims to church capital at the Church of the House of Diligence. I thank the Lord, who accepted my quick repentance and restored love and peace and silence. Oh, how grave is the evil of the enemy, murderous! March 2. Monday of the Third Week of Lent. I thank the Lord for the life-giving and all-joyful gift of healing from yesterday’s headache and toothache and from the grave despondency that enveloped my soul. The disease was resolved by eating two soft-boiled eggs, and through strong repeated cleansing of the stomach (ten times), and through the flow of scrofulous matter from the left ear. Food on vegetable oil and, in general, mushroom, flour, and fish foods on vegetable oil are harmful to me. What a fever I had in my head yesterday, what a pain in my teeth! What a runny nose! (There is an abyss of snow on the ground, on the roofs, on the trees - everything is snow and snow, it doesn’t stop almost day and night.) Through the veneration of the holy icons of the Lord, the Mother of God and all the saints, our holy, highest and all-saving faith is presented to unlearned people in a visual, memorable and instructive way; it is just as expressed, realized, carried out through them (that is, [through] holy icons), as through worship, prayers, reading the word of God, dogmas, commandments and church canons. In the Orthodox Church, honorable icons, the Life-giving Cross and all beauty are used wisely, correctly and savingly, as well as burning incense, sprinkling with holy water, and blessing with the sign of the cross. All this is an apostolic and holy father’s tradition and a work pleasing to God, proven regarding its pleasingness to God, truth and salvation both by reason, and by the word of God, and by countless experiments on Orthodox believers. March 2. Monday of the Third Week of Lent. I thank You, Lord, for all Your Providence, gracious and wonderful, for me, a sinner from infancy until now; for my wondrous guardianship and guidance all the days of my life; for my upbringing in lower, middle and higher spiritual educational institutions; for preserving me in my serious and deadly illnesses and healing; for Your manifold grace, given to me in serving You and people; for my writings, inspired by Your Holy Spirit, for publishing them by type (printing house) and for distributing them among the people and even among foreign nations - in France, England and America (“My Life in Christ”). I thank You for preserving me even until now (sixty-eight years old); I thank You for the constant spiritual uprising and renewal of me with Your most pure, Divine and life-giving Mysteries - Your most pure Body and Blood, Your word, Church prayers inspired from You. I thank You for all the glory that You have given me and with which Russia and Your world glorify me. I thank You for the garments of beauty with which You have clothed me in serving You, the God of splendor and incomparable beauty; I thank You also for the garments of my home, which were given to me in abundance from Your servants who were devoted to You. I thank You for the fruits and all kinds of food and drink, with which You richly nourished and nourish me; I thank You for the wealth of pure air You poured out for my breath; I thank You for my spacious and clean dwelling, in which I have rested, although for a short time, for forty years or more. I thank You for deliverance from countless stumblings and falls of my sins, for faith and repentance and for returning to me Your favor, Your mercy and peace and space of heart; I thank You for the disposition of people’s hearts towards me and their trust, in which my prayer for them to You is corrected; I thank You for the wonderful, frequent blessing of my heart, at times dissatisfied, irritable, lazy, self-loving, selfish, and for Your hasty obedience during the prayers of my repentance - for everything, for everything I thank You, Lord, what I remember and what I do not remember from the countless multitude of Your blessings. A true Christian must have everything different in spirit, in body, in life: other thoughts - spiritual, holy, other lusts - heavenly, spiritual, another will - right, holy, meek, good, another imagination - pure and holy, another memory, another look - pure, simple, holy, not evil, another word - chaste, pure, sedate, meek; in a word, it must be another person - heavenly, new, holy, Divine, living, thinking, feeling, speaking and acting by the Spirit of God. These were the saints. Read their lives, listen, learn, imitate. March 3. I became stingy and envious in the distribution of the Holy Gifts of God, the most pure Body and Blood of Christ God, often refusing to give communion to those who wished and becoming irritated at their demands. But we must rejoice at the thirst of the participants, and not be upset with them. This is the goal that the priest should strive for, that is, the hunger and thirst of the believers for the Divine Brush. Scrofula is so harmful that if it gets on any member, it damages and often destroys this member or members, for example, eyes, ears, nose, teeth or arms, legs, or [distorts] the face. It's good when she finds the outcome somewhere in a secret, invisible place, without destroying the penis. March 3. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for the wonderful, sovereign, almighty, all-good help to me during mass in the Church of the House of Diligence regarding the story with the architect and painter Zenkovich, who demanded from me back the icon of St. Theodosius of Uglich, and regarding my anger at the secretary Kostin and Pyotr Yakubovsky, who answered Zenkovich ineptly and caused his protest. My faith and repentance saved me from complete disorder and from the victory of Belial, who fiercely embarrassed me and oppressed and scorched my being. He who is not with Me is against Me; and whoever does not gather with Me scatters [Matthew 12:30, etc.]. You read newspapers and read a lot of empty speeches in them. Are you with God at this time or not? Of course not with God, for God does not exist in earthly vanities, which means you are against God! And this is terrible. Are you collecting God's grace by reading empty rants in the newspapers? No, but you squander the grace that you acquired in prayer, in contemplation of God, or in reading the word of God and soul-saving books, or in pious conversation, or in good deeds. And this is terrible. For every idle word that people speak, they will give an answer on the day of judgment [Matthew 12:36]. Lord, have mercy! The miracle with the icon of the Mother of God, which took place on March 8 in the Kursk Znamensky Monastery 106, is amazing in all respects, and should be a lesson and edification for every Orthodox Christian. The Most Holy Theotokos wonderfully preserves Her most pure image and through it us, all Russians! She did not give herself and us as a mockery to the wicked, so that all the wicked themselves would be put to shame and disappear if they did not repent and turn to the Lord with all their hearts. Who are these wicked ones? Pashkovites, Tolstoyans, schismatics. The Lord will find them and put them to shame and punish them, but He will exalt and glorify those who honor the Mother of God and Her holy icon, and will deliver them from all troubles and vouchsafe them the Kingdom of Heaven. God bless! Glory to the Mother of God! March 19, 1898. Glory to God the All-Creator, who wisely, kindly, purely, and graciously arranged the existential, or birthing, members in the human race, male and female, as in all dumb animals, and thereby always contributed to the willing, convenient, rapid reproduction of this kind and all dumb genera of animals, birds, fish, insects; glory to the Lord All-Creator, who made man and woman or males and females, as if involuntary, the origin of this verbal, mortal and at the same time immortal kind, and who has always wonderfully provided and provides for the spread of all genera and species. March 21. Saturday. I thank the many-merciful and quick-to-obey Lord for quickly hearing and delivering me from the sorrows and oppressions of sin during the liturgy and in the evening at home. The aphid of sin creeps up on us incessantly in the movement of either carnal pleasures, or anger towards others for empty reasons, or in covetousness, greed, in laziness, drowsiness, or in reluctance to serve the poor, in hardness of heart and insensibility. In the Annunciation the theme of the word is about the high purpose of women and how modern women degrade themselves, how men are to blame for the decline of women, how the high idea of ​​women and men, or the genders male and female, has been lost by many. The human soul is created in the image and likeness of God - the highest honor and dignity; She was innate in holiness, light, righteousness, simplicity, goodness, meekness, humility, kindness, spirituality, cheerfulness, prayer, fiery love for God. God Himself dwelt in the first people before their shameful and disastrous fall, the Holy Spirit adorned them, enlightened them, and consoled them. Through the fall, the soul completely changed, it became sinful, crafty, self-loving, and not God-loving, carnal, proud, evil, envious, disobedient, gloomy, intemperate, unloving, selfish, and fornicating. But she is granted repentance, as deceived, stolen from the fallen murderer-devil, and she can brightly rise from her fall by the grace and bounties of God. March 25. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with the greatest and quickest mercy in the church of the Leushinsky metochion in St. Petersburg for my deep repentance in grief at a certain Ivan Paramensky, who turned to me with a request by telegram to give him one hundred rubles for the maintenance of his son in the gymnasium; The grace of God initially abandoned me, and I was subjected to oppression, shame, sorrow, spiritual paralysis and death, but intense repentance returned to me God’s mercy and boldness with calm and freedom. I willingly and confidently gave him a hundred rubles, remembering that the Lord generously sends me for the poor. O absurd, damned voluptuousness of the loins and belly. How much desecration and harm you cause to soul and body! How much charm, how much confusion in the soul and in the body! How much betrayal of God, infidelity, insults, how much cooling and inattention to His holy, immaculate, incorruptible and wise laws! How much frenzied desire there is in the satisfaction of pleasures, both in thoughts, and in lusts, and in the unclean imagination to satisfy voluptuousness! There was a case: a woman caught her dress on a wheel while riding in a droshky, and she was twisted several times and turned around on the wheel, and her head was crushed until it hemorrhaged, and her body was exposed; she was half dead, barely breathing, and voluptuous men looked with lust at her members, admiring especially the secret members, instead of regretting, condoling, compassion and turning their eyes away from her naked body! March 27. How great, powerful, saving, life-giving is Your name, Lord Jesus Christ! For it saves from the violence of sin and the violence of passions in the twinkling of an eye and drives away demons from the heart that have settled in it through sinful dreams and desires for sin. So today all the way (two hours and a half) I was tormented by lustful thoughts, but as soon as I heartily, with faith and hope in repentance, remembered the name of the Lord and touched my heart with my hand, immediately the enemies fled, the languor and compulsion to sin ceased, and I calmed down, and tears of tenderness flowed from my eyes. Glory to the ever-saving and living name of the Lord. Bodiless enemies constantly teach people the corruption of sin in order to constantly defile the soul and body with gluttony, lustful, nasty and blasphemous thoughts, pride, malice, envy, greed, covetousness, laziness and coldness to prayer, disobedience and stubbornness, doubt, unbelief, addiction to earthly splendor, to various decorations in clothing, housing, in general an addiction to earthly goods or things and pleasures that disappear like smoke - in a word, they do everything that removes us from God, from heaven, from heavenly and eternal blessings and eternal life. The saints, being wise and perspicacious and attentive to the teachings of the Lord, despised the passions of their flesh and all carnal, earthly wisdom, all carnal passions - and directed all their attention and contemplation to God and to heavenly, eternal blessings, and made their mind, heart, and will heavenly, and forced their body to serve completely the rational and immortal soul and God, their Creator. In order to take the human soul captive to sin, the devil uses delusion, seduction, sinful daydreaming, strong attraction, and violence towards sin. A person must look to God the Savior, repent, pray and overcome attractions from the very first attack of sin on the heart. The seduction of sin can be so great that the simplest things, for example, the eyes, face, nose, eyebrows, every movement of the body, gait, gaze, tempt the sinner with unclean corruption of the heart, thoughts, and inclinations; every animal tempts, birds, fish, holy icons at home and in the church tempt, the Life-giving Cross - everything, the enemy envelops everything in its unclean, [shameful], stinking fog and communicates to a person with an unclean heart his vision, unclean, false, gloomy, blasphemous, presents everything to a person in a perverted, unclean, blasphemous form. This is the insidiousness of sin, how wide is its area of ​​action in our souls. That is why many, having been deceived, clung with all their hearts to empty things (for example, money, home furnishings, paintings, statues, animals) and desecrated themselves by mixing with them, and those who did not know the true God in ancient times desecrated themselves through the action of demons with idolatry, like today’s idolaters - the Chinese, Japanese, Koreans and others. Karytev Ivan Aleksandrovich, Znamenskaya 25, apt. 17, send my essays. Let Fidelin know. March 27. Friday of the Sixth Week of Lent. I was subjected to a severe temptation today at the Presanctified Mass because of Deacon Leonidas and because of my scrupulousness and pickiness: I noticed to him that he was reading indistinctly, in a thick voice - this time, and then he stepped on my phelonion from behind, and I almost fell back and could not speak Lord and Master of my life 107, embarrassed, but then repented, kissed Holy See, and the Lord calmed. April 5. Easter. I thank the Lord, who has given me this bright, radiant day (the sun shines wonderfully) and to glorify the Risen One from the dead. Our singers sang the Easter canon superbly, just as seminary singers used to sing in Arkhangelsk fifty years ago. Regent - Zharov is still alive (serves as a priest on staff). The golden time of youth is vividly remembered, but marvelous are Your deeds, O Lord, marvelous is Your Providence: what was I then - and what now? Unknown, insignificant, how the Lord glorified me all over the world, not only in Russia! Glory to Thee, Lord! Only You alone can do this. But continue my days on earth for Your glory in longed-for health and heal this real illness (a terrible runny nose). What is the cause of my runny nose? Isn't it food and drink? Isn't it spring? Is it possible that the bays, rivers, and lakes will break up from ice? Isn't it the harshness of the spring air with cold watery vapors? Wasn't it the lipstick with which I had been smearing the dry hair of my head for several days? I have been suffering from a severe runny nose for a whole week, and it gives me a slight headache, the bridge of my nose is hurting, and I am completely weak! Have mercy, Lord, on the Physician of souls and bodies! (Increased flow of scrofula from the ear.) With a runny nose, there is absolutely no perspiration throughout the body - this is not good. I thank You, Lord, for You made me worthy to accept yesterday my repentance before my confessor, Father Nikolai Ya [Kovlevich] Asiatic 108 for my countless sins; grant me perfect correction and confirmation in faith, hope and love. April 5. First day of Easter. I thank the Lord, who quickly delivered me for my repentance from the sorrow and distress that befell me righteously for my anger at the humble watchman Vasily for not preparing a companion for me in serving the liturgy, a priest, to perform it. Chancellor's attitude in Gubern. dated January 8, 97 for No. 27 about the number of marriages who died and converted to Orthodoxy. To Father Deacon Zrelov on January 9 for No. 6. To Father Deacon Poletaev about his presence as a deputy when accepting papers from the late I. Favorsky for No. 5. January 9, 1897. With the onset of a strong thaw at the beginning of February 1897, scrofulous matter began flowing from my left ear and the larynx became clogged with a disgusting voicelessness. This is not the first time, but many times. How much influence warm or cold weather has on the human body! Deliver, God, from scrofula! February 9, 97 April 6. Second day of Easter. Let us rejoice in the resurrection of our Lord Jesus Christ and in our own future resurrection. What fate, what century awaits us? An age that has no end, an age full of unspeakable blessings, which no eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no one has ever sighed in the heart [1 Cor. 2:9]. Let us prepare ourselves for this future age by repentance and good deeds, we will purify our hearts and thoughts, and we will glorify all the works of God in the world and in people. The Lord sees everything in one act of Divine vision: he sees all centuries and all people, their whole life with all thoughts, feelings, intentions, deeds, words. Terrible Eye, from which no one can hide, enlighten my heart’s eye, remove from it all impurity, all unclean views. Amen. All members of the human body, like all animate creatures, planted according to the reason and will of the all-good, wise, most pure artist - the Lord God, are useful and holy, pure, unblemished, necessary for the existence and well-being of people and animals, as well as for their decoration and splendor. Everything is as good as the Lord has created [Genesis 1:31]. The crafty and destructive aphid of the devil (sin) is every minute ready to invade our heart under the guise of prodigal sweetness, lustful and nasty thoughts, desecrating the soul and body and tearing us away from God, bringing with it sorrow and oppression. What is needed is sincere faith in the heart and the fear of God, vigilance over thoughts, struggle and aversion from uncleanness. I thank the Lord for His ineffable mercy towards me, a sinner: how many times am I defiled by thoughts and lusts, albeit involuntary, in the sight of women, but as soon as I secretly cry to Him with all my heart in repentance for forgiveness and cleansing, He immediately forgives me, cleanses me, pacifies me, grants me freedom and boldness. Take care of yourself, man, at all times. Be sober and watchful, because your adversary the devil walks around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour [1 Peter 5:8]; look, and he will not spare you if you are proud. In order to eradicate from the human heart the love of God and the hope of a future blessed and endless life, the enemy constantly tries to wound our hearts with love for the world and its delights, especially for the sweetness of women, for the sweets of the womb, for earthly treasures, for earthly splendor, or with love for our flesh, for self-pity, self-sparing, self-indulgence, self-adornment, and in every possible way tries to eradicate from the heart love for God, who alone is worthy of all our love. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul. .. [Matthew 22:37, etc.]. Thus the holy saints loved Him and rejected all worldly, sinful, material, carnal, fleeting, corrupting soul and body love. From now on you will see heaven open and the Angels of God ascending and descending to the Son of Man [John 1:51]. By the Resurrection of Christ the sky was opened, which was previously closed by the sin of Adam and all mankind; Now free entry to it is open to all believers, repentants, and those who do good deeds. There, to heaven, turn your minds and hearts, your desires and hopes. We have now been given by Christ God such incorruptible, eternal, excellent blessings as no one's eye has seen, no ear has ever heard of, and has never entered the heart of man [1 Cor. 2:9]. What do earthly goods mean in comparison with them: gold, silver, precious stones and fabrics, chambers, shiny, precious, lightly decorated, honors and signs of earthly honors? What is earthly beauty, what is the beautiful color of youth? What colored clothes and head decorations? What is the beauty of power and wealth? What does earthly nobility of blood mean in comparison with the nobility of the sons and daughters of God? What do all earthly blessings taken together mean in comparison with heavenly, incorruptible, most beautiful, inalienable, eternal? The perishable goods here will all die away: beauty, wealth, nobility, honors, all sorts of earthly pleasures. But when God gives us incorruptible, eternal life, incorruptible, most excellent blessings - the flesh, the world and the world ruler, the devil, strongly attract us to themselves, to earthly pleasures and pleasures, wealth, power, dominance, honors. An intense, constant struggle is required with oneself, with one’s sinful passions and inclinations, with earthly customs, rules, habits, and without struggle one can become completely carried away by the charms and customs of the world, lose eternal blessings and perish. The Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it away [Matthew 11:12]. April 10. Eating Dutch cheese is very harmful for me: it makes me lazy, drowsy, weakens my stomach, and makes it difficult to cook in it. In the future, avoid it, as well as meat foods, which are conducive to laziness and sleep. There is no higher, more honest, more honorable and more blessed thing than celebrating the Liturgy, breaking the Lamb and giving communion to clergy and laity, and going to the homes of the sick with the life-giving Mysteries to give them communion. But the enemy, seeing the greatest [benefit] for people from communion, tries in every possible way to cool and turn the heart of the priest away from the fulfillment of this greatest work and puts disobedience in his heart, grief towards those who demand and especially those who often make requests, inspires coldness and neglect of the matter and the very Mystery of God, all-saving and terrible for Angels and people. We must be alert to our hearts and incline them in every possible way to voluntarily visit and give communion to the sick. Who is the faithful and prudent servant whom his master made over his servants, to give them food in season? ...Truly I say to you, he will set him over all his possessions [Matthew 24:45,47]. Our evil flesh only seeks to please itself and do what is pleasant, but does not want to do anything nice to its neighbor. But we, the strong, must endure the weaknesses of the powerless and not please ourselves. For Christ did not please Himself [Rom.15:1:3]. With his varied love for the world, the enemy leads us away from the love of God. The saints despised the flesh and the world and therefore loved God. In this life, the life of trials and exploits of a Christian, he constantly stands between two currents: good and evil, between temptations and sorrow from enemies and consolation and help from God; there is, as it were, some kind of competition between the righteous, holy and abundantly merciful God and the evil, crafty and all-destructive enemy; a person is sometimes under the influence of enemies, sometimes under the grace of God; enemies involve in all sorts of guilt and sins, but the Lord has mercy, cleanses, sanctifies, justifies, pacifies, renews and strengthens the soul of a Christian. Especially this competition and victory of grace over sin occurs during the liturgy - this wonderful, reconciling and sanctifying Sacrifice of God's mercy, peace, Sacrifice of praise. Hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done [Matthew 6:9–10, etc.]. A Christian must sincerely wish for himself and others that the name of God would be glorified incessantly in him and in others, and grieve when it is not glorified, but is blasphemed by various sins; to desire that all should be churches of God not made with hands. Do you not know that you are the church of God, and the Spirit of God lives in you? [ 1 Corinthians 3:16 ]. Wake up! Wake up! April 13. Monday of St. Thomas Week. To the pure everything is pure, but to the unclean everything is unclean, but his mind and conscience have become defiled [Titus 1:15], everything tempts him and the holy thing seems unclean. So sin has infected the heart and the entire human being. Cleanse your heart, O man, day and night with prayers, repentance with tears, while the time of testing and work continues. If it were not for the intercession of the Mother of God for me, a sinner, I would have perished long ago with my sins, voluntary and involuntary, for there are so many evil lusts in me, so much wickedness, so many desires for evil, so much self-love, vanity, pride, vanity, only earthly aspirations, sympathy for the sins of both my own and others; how much greed, partiality, contemplation, envy, stinginess, love of money, greed, malice, gloating, malice, rancor, lustful thoughts, co-indulgence in them, condemnation of neighbors, contempt, hatred of the unseemly, the sick, especially those with disfigured faces; how much laziness, disobedience and resistance or insult and bitterness towards those who demand my service, reproach, humiliation, cursing, anger and other countless sins; how much inconstancy, infidelity, betrayal of the Lord my God, cooling towards Him and striving for every sin! Only the prayers of the Queen of heaven and earth, merciful, compassionate, long-suffering, strive for mercy towards me from my God, whose long-suffering is due to my remaining in iniquities! Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the principalities, against the powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in high places... [Eph.6:12]. Our life on earth is war, a constant war, for invisible enemies are constantly fighting through our countless passions; Our very flesh, subject to passions, fights; the world, adulterous and sinful, is at war with its temptations and untruths; the enemy and our flesh fight us with self-love, self-indulgence, self-sparing, laziness in prayer and in every good deed, contemplation, wickedness, free-thinking, voluptuousness, lustful thoughts and lusts, malice, rancor, gloating, envy, ill will, irritation, despondency, murmuring, cowardice, blissfulness, lies, deceit, bribery, untruth, blasphemous thoughts, passion for judging others, [intemperance], drunkenness, gluttony, covetousness, greed, unbelief, freethinking, disobedience and disobedience, impetuosity, zeal and inclination towards all sin and coldness, alienation from all good. That is why our Savior says in the Gospel: The Kingdom of Heaven suffers violence, and those who use force take it by force [Matthew 11:12]. But we must always believe and remember that God is with us, the invisible Helper and Companion against all sin, our almighty and quick Protector and Conqueror of our enemies; The Lady Theotokos, our chosen Voivode, is with us; The Guardian Angels are with us, all the saints of God are with us, interceding with the Lord for us with their prayers and teaching us through their lives to constantly resist sin in every possible way, to pray, to fast, to be attentive to ourselves and to be constantly vigilant and to overcome sin by the grace of Christ. There is no higher and more godly service than serving the sick, especially through confession and communion of the Holy Mysteries, but the adversary the devil tries extremely hard to turn away from this service, irritating the priest against his neighbors - the priest must love them with firm and undying love, especially the sick, and not be irritated and not please himself. April 19. Sunday of the Week of the Myrrh-Bearers. Today in St. Petersburg I allowed myself to be subjected to strong anger at Euphrosyne Nikolaevna for turning back during a trip to Peski from the Petrovs (betrothal to the Bystrovs) and barely recovered from my anger through a secret prayer of repentance to the Lord. O my damned flesh! O my old man! How many passions nest within you - pride, anger, fornication, envy, pride, vanity, greed, love of things, disobedience, contempt, murmuring, despondency and others. April 21. I thank the Lord, who showed me, a sinner, great and rich mercy for faith and repentance for the sin of hard-heartedness and stinginess regarding two poor women who were on the evening (nine and a half hour) ship, asking me for money: one for a sewing machine and the other for travel to St. Petersburg (she was given fifteen rubles a week ago in Motin’s house). I repented that I had not prepared alms for them earlier, and at the present moment I did not want to rummage through my pocket papers. April 22, 1898. I thank the Lord, who gave me the word on the name day of the blessed Empress Alexandra Feodorovna, which was sent to the printing house of the Kotlin newspaper for printing. And I thank the Lord for printing, for it is also a gift from God. With whatever creature our and God’s bodiless enemy does not try to seduce us and present all God’s creatures, pure and beautiful, in a perverted, unclean and absurd form! He even swears at the clear, all-joyful and all-vivifying sun, and blasphemes the saints of God who are in heaven, as they say in the Apocalypse [Rev. 13:6], and often distorts human thoughts, understanding, as for example in Leo Tolstoy, who completely distorted the meaning of the Gospel; swears at every animal: birds, fish, four-legged animals, insects, reptiles; to all plants, heaven and earth; and how he curses the animated church of God - man, his soul and body in countless lusts and whims, especially those that happen in secret, about which it is shameful to even speak [Eph.5:12]! How he curses in his thoughts, in his feelings, in his lusts, in his memories, in his imagination, in his utterances and all sorts of absurd and stupid actions, in all kinds of corruption, in murder and suicide! And after all this you sin, you [joking] with sin, you love sin, you indulge in it with your whole being? Look how sin has perverted the whole meaning of our life, the purpose of all things in the world, turning means into ends, natural impulses and aspirations into ends (for example, sexual relations between a man and a woman: husbands commit shame on husbands, wives on wives [Rom. 1:27])!.. What a sin! How ugly, absurd, and deadly he is! How can one not hate him and not loathe him and not turn away from him with all the strength of soul and body! How not to love and fulfill with all your heart the law of God, the whole word of God, and not try to fulfill it to the last iota in all its accuracy, and not die for it in case of need, as the martyrs and all the saints did! Lutherans, Anglicans, Pashkovites, Tolstoyans, Stundists reproach us for venerating icons and using them. How absurd! Are we not all edified, who rightly honor them, by remembering their godly, holy lives, exploits, virtues, love for God and neighbors, and do we not ourselves become better, more reverent? Do we not have [images] of revered persons among living people and do we not honor them? In addition, imagery and symbolism in religion are allowed and required by the Gospel itself: how often the Lord taught the people figuratively, with examples from life, from nature, symbolically, in parables. And if we do not allow sacred images and do not honor them, then will our corrupted nature not allow, [multiply] or deify images of human passions, as is now allowed by many secular rich and intelligent persons in their homes, filled with images of naked or half-naked beautiful women who constitute the beauty, genre and tone of secular persons? Do not many return to the pagan idol? What a mockery of human nature, created so beautifully, magnificently, inimitably artistically! Instead of reverence for the most perfect, most beautiful work of the most pure hands of the Creator, we mock him and ourselves, turn it into the object and goal of low animal lust and turn the church of the immortal soul into an object of animal pleasure. May 2. Saturday. Evening, twelve o'clock. I thank the Lord, who, out of immeasurable mercy and for my repentance, delivered me from sinful oppression, despondency and bitterness and gave me peace, freedom and boldness. When performing prayers at home or church social, we must try to clearly understand every word or expression of the prayer, and with all our hearts desire what we ask for, and strain our will to fulfill what we ask or to give thanks for what we have received and to make a worthy use of the gift we have received. For example, in the morning prayer we say: according to my dream at night, dawn on me a sinless day, O Christ God... 110 - we must desire and try to spend the whole day without sin, in doing good. The multi-passionate flesh constantly strives to alienate the soul from the Lord through cooling and laziness towards prayer, especially through sleep and after sleep with carnal thoughts, feelings, lusts, dreams, the vanity of life, and worldly addictions. We must constantly crucify her with passions and lusts and go opposite her, do what she does not want, what she is running from, willingly. May 4. Before the rainy weather (it started raining in the afternoon on the third), I felt very hard and nervous. May 14. [Ascension] and coronation. While there is time and you continue to live in the world, immediately correct yourself from your sinful tendencies and passions, so that you will not be condemned for negligence and non-correction and indolence in sins. By the action of the all-wise and all-good Providence of God, you are daily subjected to tests of your soul, and you clearly see what your shortcomings are, what passions you have, for example, self-love, laziness, anger, irritation, malice, envy, pride, disrespect for elders, contempt for the poor or for subordinates and employees, coldness towards them, greed, hard-heartedness, unclean thoughts and desires, whims, partiality, deceit, hypocrisy, negligence in service, in one’s spiritual correction and salvation, deceit, idle talk, condemnation, laughter, grumbling, impatience and others. Hate and discard every sin, love and correct every virtue, constantly create the fruits of repentance and virtue: time is short and the end is near. There is no higher and more godly deed than to give Holy Communion to the sick in their premises with zeal and love and to freely give alms to those in need. My multi-passionate flesh has its own sinful, absurd, disastrous, devilish law: it wants and tries to fulfill everything that is contrary to the spirit, God, truth, reason, truth. The spirit requires service to God and neighbor in the spirit of truth and righteousness - the flesh demands service to itself, its pride, its lusts, laziness, gluttony, greed, lust, or fornication, pride, ambition, vanity, effeminacy, impatience, murmuring, grumpiness, blasphemy, envy, hatred, despondency, despair, hard-heartedness, obstinacy, deceit, hypocrisy and double-mindedness, partiality, superstition, unbelief, perfidy, treason, rebellion; He gets extremely angry and irritated when he needs to perform deeds of virtue, serve selflessly the sick, unite them with God through communion of the Holy Mysteries, pray to God for them, and so on. We must become spiritual and please the flesh less, eat and drink less, not hoard, squander our property on charitable works, become rich in God, and not accumulate for ourselves [Luke 12:21]. June 13, 1898. I thank the Lord, who on this day has delivered me many times for the prayer of repentance and for the sake of His mercy from captivity by carnal lusts, from sorrow and oppression, and who has granted me forgiveness, freedom and His sweet peace, His good yoke and His light burden. A thousand thousand times it was necessary to punish me and continue to punish me unceasingly, so that I would learn and be convinced not to sin with pride, self-love, self-pity and self-sparing, bitterness, hostility, lust, greed, envy, disobedience and disobedience, waywardness, self-indulgence, conceit, laziness, vain fear and cowardice, partiality, hypocrisy, servility, man-pleasing, gluttony, greed and avarice, gluttony and drunkenness, grumbling, impatience, grief, haste for carnal, vain, worldly affairs, malice, malevolence, rancor, wickedness and double-mindedness. Oh, what an ugly, obscene, godless old man I am! How you need to beat and beat him to kill him completely! The Lord punishes whomever he loves; beats every son whom he receives... For is there any son whom his father does not punish? [Heb.12:6-7]. So, Christian, endure punishment from God, so that in time you may be worthy of His holiness and blessedness. Buy umbrellas from Denisov in the store for the trip. Send money to Pyukhtitsa 111. To Sabler 112 - a letter about the receipt by me from Tyulin 113 from Lyudmila of a letter about the receipt of diarum millirum rub 114. June 14, 1898. The ancient serpent, Satan, who had grown old in malice, pride and deceit and all sorts of abomination, wanted to appear to me in a dream in his nasty, evil and terrible image, taking on the appearance of a terrible, disgusting demon-possessed woman, insane, pale, whom it was scary to look at. I woke up and was baptized, my soul was confused and trembling. I thanked God that I got rid of this vision. Today at two o'clock in the afternoon the Lord saved me from the danger of breaking my right hand, which I was stretching out behind the carriage to drive away the beggar who was pestering her - she was almost driven under the wheel. June 14. Sunday. After early mass. During Matins and early mass, a strong attack by invisible enemies through anger and irritation, either against Evdokia Lvovna Arkhipova for standing behind bars with the choristers, or against Deacon Leonid for being loud in the service, and so on. I overcame it with difficulty through fervent prayer; then, after mass, he became irritated with many sick people [preparing] for communion of the Holy Mysteries in their homes. And the Lord delivered me from all troubles through frequent prayers of repentance. On August 15, the day of the Dormition of the Mother of God (1898), I had the happiness for the first time in a dream to clearly see the Queen of Heaven face to face and listen to Her sweetest, blissful, encouraging voice: “Dearest children of the Heavenly Father,” while I was aware of my damnation, looked at Her most pure face with trepidation and with the thought: will she not reject me from Herself? anger of the Queen of heaven and earth? Oh, most holy and most blessed face! Oh, blue and dove eyes, kind, humble, calm, majestic, heavenly, Divine! I will not forget you, wonderful eyes! This phenomenon continued for a minute, then She left me leisurely, stepped over a small ravine and disappeared. I saw the procession of the Heavenly Visitor from behind. At first I saw Her clearly, as if in an icon, and then She separated from it, descended and set off on its way. In the evening I was writing a sermon on the day of the Assumption and went to bed late, at two in the morning. During the all-night vigil, I read with great emotion the akathist and canon to the Dormition of the Mother of God in the Assumption Church. August 17. He celebrated mass in the Jaeger Church in Gatchino. Evfrosinya Prokofieva did not take her underwear to church for change due to heavy perspiration. I waited for a long time at the end of mass, standing before the image of St. Nicholas, leaning, and was very indignant and angry with Euphrosyne for putting me in an awkward position. Grace left me, and the enemy approached and overpowered me and took possession of my soul. I called her a crow in anger, and she took communion that time. Then I fervently repented to the Lord and received forgiveness, mercy and peace from Him. But I had to go from church to Euphrosyne P., and I thought I’d go to Kutepov. August 18. Tuesday. During Matins, the spirit of malice extremely incited me to dislike and remove Nikolai Peltz, who read the psalms and sang the canon, from the choir. I secretly prayed to the Lord for mercy and deliverance from unrighteous hatred and received mercy and help from the Lord. I thank the Lord. August 22. Saturday. Bibenko, Peltz, and a young sexton from the choir came to Matins. Bibenko's voice seemed very rude and harsh to me, and in my soul I felt anger towards him, hostility; With disappointment, I told him to sing more easily, not harshly; I was indignant in spirit and repented to the Lord, touching the holy throne with my lips, and barely got rid of the breath of the enemy, and I outraged the singers: they began to sing completely sluggishly, weakly. I repent to the Lord and pray to deliver forever from the malice and contempt of my neighbors. August 23. Sunday. Prefer deeds of serving your neighbor to deeds of flesh and blood - eating and drinking, and not vice versa, and do not be irritated when you are invited, before a rich meal, to pray with a sick person or a traveler, especially with a poor person, for our flesh, or our old man, goes berserk when it comes to serving the spirit, and not the flesh, not the greedy belly. This is exactly what happened to me today: the officer called me through the sexton and his wife to a prayer service before the journey before a rich dinner in the Samara regiment, and with grief I went to him, the officer, and did not pray with all my heart. I judge myself for that. September 3. This night the enemy presented me with a ship rocking on the sea like in a strong storm, and some woman was crying in horror, afraid to perish along with the world, and I imagined death in its ruins; however, he trusted in God, who holds all creation by the handful. No. 3. January 4th 97. To the consistory an explanation regarding the decree with a report from the tradesman Smirnov (slander). January 3rd, No. 1. To the Meshchansky Council, permission to carry a mug in the Duma Church for the Meshchansky almshouse. To the city of Kirillov, Novgorod province, to the priest Pyotr Petrovich Perkashev of the parish Church of St. George, four miles from the city (poor church). Yunitskaya Akilina. Petersburg side, Bolshaya Grebetskaya street, house No. 44, apartment No. 14 (dated April 30, 1897). Widow of the deacon of St. Sophia Cathedral Daria Vasilievna Nebirova: Novgorod, Malaya Konyushennaya street, house number 5. Poor, needy. (April 7, 1898.) Through the priest Alexander Pavlovich, in the house of Balabanov. September 3. I sinned before God: I did not grieve at the news of the murder of the Austrian Empress 115, as an ardent Catholic and pampered in wealth and luxury. But may the Lord honor her with the martyrs for her bitter death, forgiving her sins, despising her wrong faith, which she thought of as right. September 7, 1898. Monday. The Lord will protect you like the apple of his eye. I will not be afraid of the people [Russian: multitudes of people] around who attack me [Ps. 3:7]. Enemies (schismatics) are plotting against you, threatening to take revenge on you for resisting their plans - do not be afraid of them, but firmly trust in the Lord, remembering and believing that you are always under God’s special protection as His priest and guardian of the house of the Lord. Remember the prophet Elisha, who showed his servant the regiment of the Angels of God guarding him, Elisha [2 Kings 6:17]. The Angel of the Lord will encamp around those who fear Him and will deliver them [Ps.33:8]. Amen. Friendship with the world is enmity against God [James 4:4]. He who loves the world does not have the love of the Father [1 John 2:15]. We are daily and hourly traitors to God because of our addiction to our body. No. 200. April 18, 96. World Congress about Zavidovsky ([...] at the headman of the Kirov Cathedral). On January 14, at night, a carnal temptation occurred (it had not happened for a year) due to the action of unclean spirits from a vision in a dream. He stood up and prayed that the Lord would cleanse the filth of adultery. During early mass on Sunday, November 10, 1996, the disembodied enemy strongly inflamed me with pickiness and hostility towards the sexton Ivan Kiselyov for his singing with the singers and his outstanding voice, as well as towards some of the small singers who rattled their voices while singing, and I reprimanded them, the sexton and the singers. In general, the enemy breathes through me hostility towards the sexton, and precisely for singing in church with choristers, when one sings, I have nothing against him. Hostility attacks with the same force as fornication. But the Lord extinguished his kindled arrows for repentance. I thank the Lord. Hold fast to love for God and neighbor, beware of hostility, grief and irritation with a person because of every trifle and incitement of hostility, hold fast to chastity and avoid voluptuous dreams. I often sin by sympathizing with sin, even if I don’t do it myself, or I secretly imagine it and enjoy it; sin must be hated and disgusted from the heart; May the Lord help us to love Him alone, Him, the only faithful, righteous, holy, blessed and bestowing bliss to all who believe and are sincerely devoted to Him. December 30, 1896 November 4. The enemy instantly paralyzes the soul with an addiction to something earthly when performing public prayer or the Sacrament and deprives it of speech, binding its heart and tongue. Therefore, the love of this world is constant enmity against God [James 4:4], for it is from the devil, and through this worldly addiction the enemy has removed many, many from God and destroyed; Let us remember Judas, who through his love of money betrayed the Lord Jesus Christ to death. Therefore it is said: Do not love the world, nor the things in the world: whoever loves the world does not have the Father’s love in him. For everything that is in the world: the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life, is not from the Father, but from this world. And the world passes away, and its lusts, but he who does the will of God abides forever [1 John 2:15–17]. March 22. Yesterday, March 21, late in the evening after the Passionate Gospels, I was with the birthday boy Yakov Markov and treated himself to him - I ate fish, caviar, drank grape wine, and did something bad by doing this on one day of the passion of Christ, violating the sanctity of fasting. For through this I was deprived of the grace of God, my heart became white and weakened, and when the next day in the morning I had to read the passionate Gospels and the first large one, which sets out the wonderful speech of the Lord Jesus Christ, I could not read it calmly and gracefully, with a soul-captivating feeling; I was embarrassed, faint in spirit, and my voice [canceled], and I missed words, unable to pronounce them, and my face twitched with a fog of shame. This is how harmful gluttony and satiety and wine drinking are, especially on such great days. I, unrequited, desecrated fasting and lost its fruits: purity of soul and body, subtlety, spirituality and strength of heart, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. I repent to the Lord about this and all my sins. March 29. Scrofula makes a big fool before the onset of spring, snow, rain, bad weather, fog; There are pains in the teeth, runny nose and drainage from the ears, coughing, gusts, and nervousness. Every year I get sick before spring and during spring itself. March 30. Morning. Now from Matins. What wonderful stichera, which I myself sang with feeling! Everyone would be converted to ardent love for the Lord! But - oh, the fickleness of the human heart! - when leaving the church, I met the sister of the sick Evdokia Solovyova, who has been receiving communion every day for two years now, and today, after yesterday’s communion, she demanded communion again, when there are many other sick people, I became angry and angrily said: “I won’t go, she is a spoiled woman” (that is, by daily communion), but I repented, remembering the words of the Gospel: having loved those who are in the world, I loved them to the end [John 13:1]. Why am I falling away from love? May I preserve Christian love for her even at her death, and may Christ serve me also at my end. Wake up! April 1st. With the onset of spring, the disease scrofula develops extremely and spreads, like streams and rivers in nature, and seeks a way out through all members of the body: through the ears, and eyes, and nose, forehead, and through the crown of the head, and the back of the head, and the extremities of the arms and legs, or along their length, or through the fluxes on the cheeks, or through the teeth, or through the reproductive members, or through the very body of the body, or through the buttocks - through everything and everyone; and it’s good that it comes out and doesn’t stay inside and doesn’t affect the lungs, or heart, or liver, or kidneys, or respiratory organs; sometimes it is cleansed through the stomach (weakens) or through urine. Every day I am honored with great intercession, help and deliverance from the Lord from many of my sins for my repentance and crying out to Him from the heart, especially from hostility and prodigal movements of thought and feeling and the disposition of the will to satisfy lusts. You must firmly and unremittingly hold your horse, that is, your multi-passionate flesh, on the bridle and bit. The Council of the Eternal 116 was completed. The will of God for the salvation of the human race has been accomplished. The advice of the murderous serpent about the destruction of the entire human race and the works of the devil are destroyed! The man is saved! The blissful existence has been lost - a new, most blessed, better existence has been given, in heaven; a new existence of deification has been given. Man, who at first desired to be a god, did not become one, but destroyed what he had - God became a man in order to make Adam a god 117. Oh, wonderful advice and ineffable deeds of God! The commandment of self-sacrifice was given, a place was given for exploits, virtues, and unfading crowns of glory; grace is given, the power of God to overcome and overcome the wiles of the enemy and all passions. The Lord the Hero of Labor Himself helps those who strive, and brings victory and crowns to His warriors. April 6. Second day of Easter. The premonition of bad weather did not deceive me. Glory to God, who builds everything according to His wise laws. For a whole week or more I felt soreness in my blood and throughout my body, a severe runny nose, and I told some: there will certainly be damp weather, snow or rain. And then on the second day of Easter in the evening at nine o’clock it started snowing heavily in flakes. Plants emit fragrances, each of its own kind and smell, they also give off the fragrant ointment found in them, they grow, they sprout. And we must be fragrant with holiness, meekness, humility, gentleness, chastity, abstinence, obedience. (February 14. Petition to Metropolitan Palladius of St. Petersburg and Ladoga to become my assistant at the council, Archpriest John of Tabor.) May 3, 1898. Saturday after Midsummer. Why do you reluctantly give communion, although often, to the sick poor, to whom you yourself must give and sometimes give the means of life. Yes, willingly serve your neighbors, as Christ God, who serves you unceasingly, who has mercy on you every hour. Having loved those in the world, the Lord loved them to the end [John 13:1]. Have love that never fails, according to the Apostle [1 Cor. 13:8]. The reward from Christ is the eternal Kingdom. The bodiless enemy, in his destructive actions on people, tries to slyly imitate the Lord and replace His actions and benefits with his own, imaginary ones: so instead of the sweetness of God's grace, he invented his own sweets - carnal sweets in the most intensified form or satiety with worldly sweets; Instead of Divine, sweetest, incorruptible, spiritual love, he invented carnal, unclean, corrupting soul and body and separating from God, cooling away from God, [what is] prodigal passion, and so on indefinitely: everything inside out, in order to resist God in everything, to imitate Him, only in the opposite direction, and to keep people in their constant delusion and darkness. June 4. I extremely offended the Lord Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit today after mass and communion of the Holy Mysteries, by coming with the Holy Gifts to a sick woman who lived with the publisher of “New Time” Suvorin, being angry with her for often inviting her to her house with communion. Oh, how proud, lazy, evil, selfish, and partial I am! How long will I anger You, Lord? And he was annoyed with A.A. Kaspin for the unauthorized disposal of things (it turned out that this was not true). How much I anger You, Lord. Have mercy on me according to Your great mercy. June 15, 98 How proud, angry and irritable I am! Yesterday, while going to Peterhof to see Nikolai Dmitrievich Polezhaev for a prayer service, I became angry with his fellow countryman, a peasant from the Arkhangelsk province, because he, having undertaken to accompany us on horseback, did not know the place where his owner lived. The enemy caught me, confused me, oppressed me, wounded me; I did not have peace and boldness, but I secretly repented with all my heart and received forgiveness from the Lord, who knows the secrets of the heart. I thank the Lord. August 15, 1898. Forgive me, Lord, the movement of lust and voluptuousness within. Forgive me for my betrayal. You are Peter, and on this rock I will build My Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it [Matthew 16:18]. You are Peter, the stone, for the firm confession of Jesus Christ as the Son of the Living God [Matt. 16:16], Who is the Stone, for it is said: the stone was Christ, and not Peter [1 Cor. 10:4]; Regarding the true meaning of these words, it is remarkable that the Lord does not say to Peter, “I will build the Church on you,” but in the third person: on this stone, that is, which Peter confessed, on Me Myself I will build My Church, since it is impossible to understand here Peter, then very weak, but still weak, as one who drowned for lack of faith in the sea, and three times later rejected the Stone of Christ, and unrighteously reproached Christ, for which he was named Satan: get away from Me, Satan!... because you think not about the things of God, but about the things of men [Matthew 16:23]. With the interaction of each member (the Church is spoken of) in its own measure. We are members, the Head is Christ [Eph.4:15-16]. One carnal, unclean thought is enmity against God; momentary lust, momentary anger, envy or addiction to food, drink, clothing, or other material goods is enmity against God, and this enmity is in our flesh; Our many-passionate flesh is the enemy of God and us, and it is necessary to crucify it constantly with passions and lusts through abstinence, prayer, contemplation of God, reading the word of God, labor, vigilance, humility, obedience, which is what all the holy saints did, standing constantly on guard over the thoughts of the heart and the movements of the flesh and soul, praying unceasingly, exercising and bodily labors. September 15, 1898. I thank You, Lord, for you have continually been generous to me through Your people and filled my vaginas 118 with Your gifts, and I can continually do good to Your poor people and Your poor churches and Your priests and clergy. I thank You that you wonderfully endear me to the hearts of people of every age, rank, condition and both sexes, and they all strive towards me with love and trust, so that Your goodness and Your power are constantly glorified. September 16. A thousand, a hundred thousand, a hundred million times sin, like a thief and a deceiver, is caught, exposed, disgraced, ridiculed, made mad by the sinner himself, and with all this, after all this, he again brazenly attacks, fights, sarcastic, flatters, inclines the sinner to himself and with his constancy, violence, often, very often takes over people and destroys the person who is seduced by his imaginary sweetness. Where, in what non-Orthodox churches is the name of the Mother of God commemorated, exalted, glorified and invoked, as in the Orthodox Church, day after day, year after year? For example, in the litanies of peace, small and supplication: Our Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary with all the saints remembered... and so on. Proclaim silently and earnestly, priests and deacons of the Orthodox Church, the name of our Most Blessed Lady for all to hear, in praise and propitiation for us, sinners, unworthy servants of Her, so that she may intercede for us all before the Lord of our life, the Lord Jesus Christ, and collectively before the Eternal Trinity, for for centuries we have learned and become convinced of how strong she is for us and Her prayer is saving. How many times She saved and saved our fatherland and our cities, our people, our villages and many, many separately from all troubles and evils and does not cease to intercede and save us all to this day, listening to our humble and diligent prayers. Where on earth is the name of the Most Holy Theotokos so magnified and proclaimed according to its heritage - worthy to eat, as truly -, where, except for the Orthodox Church and especially the Russian Church? Thank God, brothers and sisters, that you were born into the right, truly the only right faith and Church, and try to be worthy members of it, living in abstinence, purity, humility, obedience, practicing good deeds, especially deeds of mercy. September 16, 1898. Glory to God! Glory to the Lady Theotokos! I have sinned more than the sand of the sea [2 Chronicles 36:23]. From the prayer of Manasseh, king of Judah: My iniquities are many, O Lord, my iniquities are many, and I am not worthy to look and look at the heights of heaven because of the multitude of my iniquities. I am bent with many iron bonds, so that I cannot lift up my head, and I have no rest, because I have angered You and done evil before You: I have not fulfilled Your will, I have not kept Your commandments... And now I bow the knees of my heart, begging You for goodness. I have sinned, Lord, I have sinned, and I know my iniquities, but I ask, praying to You: forgive me, Lord, forgive me, and do not destroy me with my iniquities and do not condemn me to hell. For You are God, the God of the repentant, and show all Your goodness to me, having saved me, unworthy, according to Your great mercy, and I will glorify You all the days of my life, because all the powers of heaven glorify You, and Your glory is forever and ever. Amen. (2 Chronicles, chapter 36). To Father Pribylev, a paper about the church watchman and the report [...] No. 56. January 7, 1898. Maria Semenkova, Vasilyevsky Island, Second Line, building No. 53, apt. No. 30 (February 13th 1898). SPb. Maria Maslekova. Galernaya Harbor, corner of Veselny and Sredny Prospekts, houses No. 12 and 8 and apartment No. 10 (Maria Maslekova). Platon Smirnov, Aleksandrovskaya street, Fedoseev’s house at the Kronstadt Gate, apt. No. 13 (poor). August 4, 1897. Akilina Yunitskaya. St. Petersburg, Peterburgskaya side, Krasnoselskaya street, building 89, apt. No. 3. Anisya Sukharevskaya. Konyushenny Lane, building No. 4, apt. 10. Sent by centum 119 16 November 1897. Theodora [...] Tonskaya. Corner of the Tenth Company and [Yakobstadtsky] Lane, house No. 9/3, apt. No. 17, sent centum 119 November 15th 97 St. Petersburg. Peterhofskoe highway, Tentelevka, house No. 24, apt. 6. Sent to Agrafena Vasilyeva centum November 119, 16, 1897. Centum 119 was sent to the Sursky bell-ringer, peasant Prokopiy Andreevich Danilov, on November 16, 1897. Aksinya Sulantieva, poor, five children, behind the Narva Gate, opposite the chemical plant, house No. 24, apt. No. 6 (sent 75 rubles on December 1, 1897). Petersburg side, Korpusnaya street, house number 5, shelter for cripples. January 24, 1898. Lord! Forgive me for my betrayal to You. You see, I recognize and repent and ask for mercy from You, most merciful and long-suffering. St. Petersburg, Izmailovsky regiment tenth company, building b, apt. 3. Paraskovya Crouch. Tereshchinskaya station, [Klishki] village, Krolevets district, Chernigov province. To the priest Sergius Fenamenov (about his abandoned wife, who lives in Kronstadt). January 13, 1897. Saint Petersburg. Ekaterininsky Prospekt, house No. 45, apt. No. 42, Anna Ivanovna Fedorova, poor. Saint Petersburg. Gavan, [Kotyshikhina] street, house 17, Ekaterina Orlova. Two thousand rubles were sent to Father Tsvetkov in Sura on December 24, 1896. St. Petersburg. Malookhtinsky Prospekt, house No. 61, apt. 9. Ekaterina Sergeeva (sent forty rubles on February 25, 1897). I get a scrofulous cough every spring due to a rush of scrofula, which intensifies and rages with spring. It is good when it comes out through any place in the body; then the cough goes away. In what organ or member have I not had scrofula for sixty-seven years? Everywhere, even in the reproductive organ. But everything went well, and I got rid of consumption. There are attacks, quite painful, in the right side before the weather or in cold winters. May 22, 96. I sincerely blame myself for being irritated and angry at the many sick visitors and the landladies who invited me to the sick for communion of the Holy Mysteries. I became embittered that some of the sick could be in church themselves and receive communion there. But what sorrow and oppression, what scorching fire I experienced inside myself, in my soul! I could not wear it and endure it and fervently repented on my knees to the Lord, and He, the immeasurable Goodness, had mercy on me, the repentant one, sent dew from heaven and cooled my soul, which was burning with anger and bitterness, and changed my soul, making it good, compassionate and peaceful. And how many times a day did the Lord forgive me, who sinned and repented with all my soul? – Many times and, by the way, in the evening, upon my arrival from Tsarskoe Selo. I thank the Lord, who corrected my judgments about the perpetrators of the all-disastrous catastrophe at Khodynka Iol in Moscow 120: I spoke hostilely and maliciously about the real or imaginary high-ranking culprits. October 8th, 1896. Continue my days, O Lord, until you complete me in Your justifications 121 and until I distribute all the temporary blessings bestowed by You, as You please, for I have many blessings given by You, especially books. The city of Tsaritsyn, Golubinka, Volzhskaya street, courtyard, nun Mitrofaniya (poor monastery). They are building a church in the name of the martyr Paraskeva. [The diary page is torn out. – Ed.] January 28, 1997. Feodora Aristarkhovna Tonskaya, poor. 11th company, house 12, apartment 47. February 29, 96. Ask [...] for the book of the People's Academy and the report of the St. Petersburg Theological Academy for 1895 and a fireproof box. Feodora Aristarkhovna Tonskaya, 11th company, house No. 12, apt. 47 (poor). Moscow-Kazan Ryazan Railway. Ramenskaya station, to paramedic Fidelina. April 8, 1895. A letter was sent to the priest of the village of Topovka, Ust-Zolikha station, Saratov province, Kamyshin district, millia rub. 93 for church and parish needs. Akilina Yunitskaya. Petersburg side, Krasnoselskaya street, house No. 9, apt. No. 10 (dated September 16, 1895). Feodora Aristarkhovna Tonskaya. 11th company, house number 12, apt. 47 (poor family widow). Virovskaya Pustyn, Sokolov station. Sedlec province. To the abbess, nun Anna. December 23, 1897. Sursky peasant David [...] Chakurov was sent one hundred and fifty rubles for his hut. December 23. Olga Fedorovna Nesterova, St. Petersburg, Vasilyevsky Island, 12th line, building No. 23, apt. 87, thirty rubles. December 30, 1897. Sent to Arkhip Malkin [two hundred] rubles. Feodora Ilyina in St. Petersburg, 12th company, house No. 28, apt. No. 16, fifty rubles. To the priest of the Third Narva Infantry Regiment, Ioann Protopopov, in Smolensk (on April 23, 1898, three hundred rubles were sent. More are needed). Address of Kutuzov Alexander Nikolaevich. St. Petersburg, corner of Sadovaya and Muchny lane, building No. 25, apt. 2. The widow of a retired private of the Ninety-third Irkutsk Infantry Regiment, Anna Ioannikievna Ershova, with four small children. St. Petersburg, Ekaterininskoe highway, behind the Narvskaya outpost, building No. 5, apt. No. 11. On August 26, 1898, fifty rubles were sent to the widow Varvara Ivanovna [...]: St. Petersburg, Izmailovsky Regiment, 7th Company, 19, Apt. 46. I am amazed at God’s mercy towards me: the whole people strives for me, as for a shrine, as for a prophet and apostle, as for a saint of God, with joy, with reverence, with faith and hope in the mercy of God pouring out through me. What is the reason for this? Who attracts people to me? Not I, but the Lord, who dwells in me through the reverent daily celebration of the Liturgy. Glory to the Lord, who glorifies His Mysteries, His holiness and the life-giving power in them. August 31, 1898. September 1, 1898. New church year. I thank You, All-Bountiful, for You have also granted me the summer of Your goodness, Lord! Renew the right spirit in my womb, O Master, and create a pure heart in me for Your dwelling in me. I thank You for Your countless blessings, poured out and constantly poured out on me, a great sinner. I thank You for Your long-suffering towards me, who has angered You with countless sins, and for Your invincible and all-conquering mercy; I thank You for my mental and physical health: behold, an old man in years (sixty-ninth year) is young in spirit and body. I thank You for daily justification by Your honest Blood and multiple times every day. I thank You for the tearful tenderness during the celebration of the Liturgy and for the ever-present consolations of Your Holy Spirit and for His holiness, acceptable from His most holy and inexhaustible Being, which is one with You; I thank You for the irresistible attraction of Your people to me, babies, young, aged and old, running to me from everywhere and everywhere, wherever I appear in towns and villages. I thank You for having solemnly and strongly instilled the Orthodox faith and piety everywhere, especially in women’s monasteries; I thank You for granting me courage in prayers for the whole world and all people and for bringing them from error to the unity of faith and piety. I thank You, for You have tamed the unrighteous rage of the unorthodox peoples hostile to us, the true believers, and brought us to an understanding of the truth; I thank You, for You draw everyone to unity, so that they may be one, as You are one, glorified God in the Trinity. I thank You, for You daily overthrow and put to shame the powerful devil in his all-evil and all-violent wiles; I thank You, for You grant me to stand in Your truth and righteousness; I thank You, who gives me the word of reason and strength, always telling me to people about Your name with the word of Your Gospel; I thank You for glorifying me everywhere, even though I am unworthy and a great sinner; I thank You for my blameless life, even if sin draws me to itself every day and torments me, for if You had not kept me like the apple of an eye, I would have committed every sin. There is no number of Your mercies towards me, Lord, and I thank You for everything, and there are no words worthy to thank You, Lord. Amen. As long as Russia is Orthodox and diligently honors God and the Mother of God, so long will it be powerful and unshakable, for from the beginning until now it has emerged from all troubles, strengthened and expanded by the intercession and help of the Mother of God in all wars and various disastrous circumstances, and the Russian princes and kings and the Christ-loving army have always diligently honored the Ever-Virgin and the Mother. Parable of the Marriage of the King's Son [Matthew 22:2–14]. About the reckless and blind attachment of people to temporary life and disregard for the eternal. The passionate attachment of the soul to this life violates the integrity, peace, freedom, health of the soul, which naturally strives for its Original - God, sorrows, sorrows, and wounds are caused; the soul falls into endless vanity and falls away from God. Friendship with the world is enmity against God [James 4:4]. He who loves the world does not have the love of the Father [1 John 2:15]. Everything is permissible for me, but nothing should possess me [1 Cor. 6:12]. Every day, many times, the Lord mercifully and powerfully intercedes and saves me from the passions of the heart and from invisible enemies that wound me in the depths of my soul, and grants me healing, forgiveness, peace, freedom, boldness, light and strength. I thank the Lord for His constant mercy towards me, for His constant salvation. We have ready heavenly help in our Lady Theotokos, Whom our opponents do not have, who do not honor Her according to her heritage and do not bow to Her all-honorable image. What brilliant, powerful leaders we have defeated over the centuries of our national history, and all through faith in the help of God and the Mother of God and the power of the Lord and His Most Pure Mother! Charles XII was famous as a commander, Napoleon was famous, their hordes were great and well trained - and what became of them? The Tatars who enslaved us were strong in their time, but they were defeated by the help and intercession of the Mother of God. He, our God, crushes arrows, bows, shields and swords and battles; from His rebuke both the chariot and the horse slumber (Ps. 75:4,7). How did Abraham, Moses, Joshua, the judges of Israel, the kings, and the prophets win? - By the power of the Lord. The outstretching of the hands of Moses, Joshua [Ex.17:11; Joshua 8:18–19]. September 16. I thank You, Lord, that You quickly had mercy on me, the prodigal, by accepting my sincere repentance of being attracted to a woman’s caress and prodigal touching through the clothes of a woman’s body. Oh, what tightness there was, what sorrow, what deprivation of God’s grace! But repentance returned me peace and freedom of spirit, healed my spiritual wound. Thank God for this! August 29, 1895. Paraskeva Crouch, 10th company, house 6, apt. 10. Novgorod, Ilyinskaya street, house number 25, Nikolai Pavlovich Panikovsky, poor with his family. Maria Stepanovna Semenkova, Vasilyevsky Island, Second Line, building No. 53, apt. 30. To the psalm-reader of the Kazan province of Laishevsky district, the village of Shumkovo. Alexey [Onisimov] [...] (poor). Vera Matveevna Belyavskaya, poor. Novgorod, Bolshaya Vasilievskaya street, building 10. Send. Archpriest John Ilyich Sergiev Novgorod province, Cherepovets district, village of Konechnoe, priest Nikolai [S...]. 300 rubles were sent. September 16, 1908. Tyagunov sent 250 rubles, St. Petersburg, Gorokhovaya building 62, apartment No. 31. November 6, 1908. Vorontsov women's monastery in the Pskov province of Holon. district, Tyalokhovo station. Eudoxia Fed., children of Rais, [...]. Abolish, O Lord, [...]. Sergei Petrovich Tservitsky - eternal memory. Do not consume anything other than the Holy Sacrament, especially on Friday, for the sake of your health. [...] (Sotetsky) sent 200 rubles on September 11. (Earlier two weeks – the same thing). Alex. Petrovich [Ch...], Moscow merchant, on the recommendation of Mikhail Andreevich Zaitsev. October 1, 1908. Ask Vera for traveling vestments [...]. Send Patriarch Gregory of Antioch 500 rubles for the patriarchate. To the priest Peter Alex. Mirtov 300 rubles. Suwalki province Sanatskin station Abbess Lyudmila [...]. Sedlec province station Sokolov Virovskaya abbess 200 – not sent. The city of Bela, Sedlec province, Lesninsky monastery, 200 abbess - not sent. Send to Sursky Metochion, Marya Mikhailova [...] Natalya Bondyreva, St. Petersburg, Vasilievsky Island, 18 line, building 7, apartment 20. House of Diligence 1000. August 12, 1908. Quarter sheet and eighth sheet envelopes. Sura Deacon Peter Nikolsky, September 11, 1908. Priest of the village of Lavelle Apolloniy Nikiforov. October 11. Gennady Paramonovich Ivanchenko. Caretaker of the Sur post office. Volokhovsky [Lazar] Mariinsky, Baltic Railway. Elisavetinskaya station [...] post office [...]. Vladimir Antonovich Kondratyev, caretaker at the new Naval Cathedral. Sursky parish deacon Alexey Alexandrovich Koposov, and monastic deacon Peter Vasilyevich Nikolsky. October 17. Deacon of the Sursky Metochion in Arkhangelsk, Pavel Veroyatov, received a letter from him. October 22. Church Gazette 1909 No. 1. Thank God! New diary. May 24, 1908. Whose words are these: Take, eat, this is My Body, which is broken for you for the remission of sins? And drink from it all, this is My Blood of the New Testament, which is shed for you and for many for the remission of sins [Matthew 26:26–28]? Are these not the words of the all-good and all-powerful Creator and the all-generous Savior of the entire human race, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sins of the whole world [John 1:29]? The heretic Aryan relegated the Creator to the ranks of creatures and did not recognize Him as consubstantial and coeternal with the Father, one being with Him and the Holy Spirit. Can a creature transform the essence of things into a completely different nature? For example, wheat bread into the Most Pure Body of God and red grape wine into the Most Pure Life-Giving Blood of God? Isn’t it only the Almighty Creator who can create and implement this? But Arius and his like-minded people, of whom there were tens of thousands, did not recognize Jesus Christ as the Creator. This was the great misfortune for the Orthodox and heretics: if they had trusted Arius, they would have lost communion with the Church and eternal salvation. The heretic Arius wanted to destroy the saving Orthodox faith and introduce a heretical, destructive faith. Therefore, Orthodox bishops, clergy and Orthodox laymen strongly opposed Arius, and the pious Emperor Constantine Equal-to-the-Apostles himself, who gathered holy bishops, presbyters and partly deacons from all over the Orthodox world, among whom was the holy Archdeacon Athanasius of Alexandria, who was later appointed Archbishop of Alexandria in Egypt. They examined, weighed and refuted the wicked teaching of Arius and his associates and condemned them as ungodly and destructive and compiled an exposition of the Orthodox Faith (or Creed) for all times until the end of the age according to the clear and powerful and wise teaching of the Holy Spirit of God. And to this day we unanimously and unanimously believe in this Creed and do not add a single iota to it, so as not to lose our salvation for a false addition or insertion, like Catholics, Lutherans and Anglicans. Glory to our God in the Trinity forever and ever. Amen. 4 pm, May 24. July 15. Nine pm. Shine in our hearts the true sun of Thy truth, that is, the Church prays to the Lord on behalf of every Orthodox Christian, so that He will teach us His perfect truth, so that He, like the sun, will illuminate our heart, and soul, and our thoughts, so that not a single dark passion of sin, not a single evil thought, no hostile feeling towards anyone will remain in us, so that a person will be clothed with the truth from the loins and to the ribs, so that loved only righteousness and hated lawlessness. This is what it means: shine in our hearts the true sun of Thy righteousness, O Lord! Isaiah chapter 26, verse 10 (note) 122. How harmful is impunity for wrongdoing. How disgusting sin, whatever it may be, is to the All-Holy Lord! This is an abomination that separates the sinning soul from Him. Be dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus our Lord [Rom.6:11]. Anna Andreevna, Sofya Yakovlevna and Varvara Iv. from Moscow we arrived in Vaulovo at one o’clock in the afternoon, had lunch; tomorrow they receive Holy Communion, July 26, 1908. I sinned when I envied the priest Mikhail in Vaulovo for the fact that he took a large estate of land for himself - a whole mile, planting a thousand trees in it, making vegetable gardens for all sorts of vegetables and a large place for a beekeeper. But then he repented and changed his envy to goodwill - let him use this plot for his benefit and his family. The monastery has a lot of land - eight hundred acres, both forest and hayfields, and sown with grain seeds, or arable land. Father Mikhail is a good priest, simple, sober, well-behaved, efficient in his service, helpful, but at the same time family-oriented. We thank the Lord for all His mercy. Eat tuna, give tuna [Matthew 10:8]. For nothing, by accident, we received from the Lord such a gift of land from the city of Senator Mordvinov. July 25, 1908. (A space was accidentally left for writing.) Birthday girl, head Eupraxia, nun. Memory of the holy women Olympias and Eupraxia. Olympias, student of John Chrysostom, holy universal teacher and saint. Lord, forgive my sins and give me complete dispassion: grant me to have treasure in heaven, and not on earth, where aphids corrupt and thieves break in and steal [Matthew 6:19]. To my chagrin, the Ministry of Railways gave me a separate carriage - disgusting, filled with tobacco smoke, so that it was impossible to breathe freely either in the evening, or at night, or in the morning until noon, and I positively suffered in this walking prison. I was glad when I went out into the fresh air at Lyazhchevo station and got into the carriage. The weather was terrible - cold, like winter, the water was icy, like a washstand in winter. At night I got up twenty times for small and large needs. Excruciating. At home I am used to clean air; There was no tobacco smell at all. I repented that I got into the carriage - oh, damned tobacco smoking! Meanwhile, nowadays even small children smoke. Oh, destruction! May 26. Monday. I don’t eat milk, my stomach doesn’t tolerate it, I can’t cope with it. Krupyanka on mushrooms (pearl barley), do not eat pies; cheesecakes too; in general, drink very little after the liturgy. May 26. Evening. For Your speedy mercy, Lord, I thank you; I was angry with Eupraxia, the head of Vaulov 123, I was embarrassed, hurt, repented and received forgiveness and peace from the Lord. Glory to Thee, quick-to-hear Lord! Amen. The creativity and Providence of God is on flowers, on grass, on bushes and trees, on birds, domestic animals and beasts, on fish, on shells and shells, living creatures - on every creation. A thought in advance [invented] - the design of all creatures, color, shape, smell - infinitely varied. Even if the hay that exists today and dies is swept into the cave, God clothes it like this... [...]. Ευςπραξιᾳαΰ – ira mea 124. Hot barley (pottage) is a good thing for my weak stomach; sprinkles are also useful. God bless! May 30. Have mercy, Lord, on Your servant, Abbess Angelina 125, who is tormented by the evil spirit of Asmodeus 126. Instill in her, Lord, humility and give her the fervor of her heart towards You, the God of our Life. [...]. June 1st. Holy Trinity Day. Heavy thunderstorm at one o'clock in the afternoon; pouring rain, reviving all the vegetation. I slept on the terrace; deaf - did not hear thunder; I didn’t see any lightning; already stopped. Glory to God, who visited the earth with His mercy! On May 28, Exarch Nikon was killed in Tiflis by Georgians 127. Hieromartyr. Glorify him, Lord, in Your Kingdom. Lord, change my heart with a change of forgiveness, kindness, meekness, quietness, love, patience, and forbearance. I repent of my irritation, forgive me, Most Merciful! June 3. Tuesday in the Holy Spirit. Amen. Remember, O Lord, Thy servant Eupraxia in Thy Kingdom. What a playwright the devil is, what scenes he produces in dreams in the spirit of the present time of self-will, disobedience of the lower ones to the higher ones, their rudeness, mockery of the elders. [Scene] of sextons. Abolish yourself, you accursed one, for endless ages in unquenchable fire with all your temptations. What a drama, pure hellish drama! June 4. Trinity Wednesday. I thank the Lord for His long-suffering towards me, a sinner, for giving me another day (I don’t have milk: it worries me too much). By the righteous judgment of God my illness was sent to me, and I must generously and gratefully endure and pray. I thank you and praise you, Lord my God! Amen. Catholics: Why don’t you have the great litany and these irreplaceable words [glorifying the Mother of God] with all the saints: the Most Holy, the Most Pure, the Most Blessed, our glorious Lady Theotokos and the Ever-Virgin Mary, etc.? You only magnify the pope, but you humiliate the Mother of God and the saints and Christ Himself in a blasphemous, arrogant, proud manner! Holy Church with Head and Members; The head is Christ, the members are the Mother of God, the holy apostles, prophets, saints, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries, righteous and all saints; then the members on earth - the bishopric, the presbytery, the deaconry, all the pious laity, then those who have fallen asleep in the faith - saints, priests, kings and people of every worldly rank and title; God has everyone alive. Here is the Church with its Head and members. Do Catholics, Anglicans, Lutherans have this? Eating at the wrong time, just one [...]. June 21. I command myself not to eat anything for dinner: dinner causes a lot of grief to the gland. 22. The common Provider of all, the Lord, thought about everyone and everything before all centuries and now thinks about everyone, and cares, and sends everything to everyone, and helps everyone. Glory to You. Forgive me, Lord, my sin - the sin of irritation, anger, bitterness towards those who contradict me (Taisia). Teach me meekness, humility, patience, kindness, and everlasting quietness by Your Holy Spirit. So I feel in my heart that You have had mercy on me for my repentance, taking away sorrow and oppression from my soul and giving peace and space to my heart. Thank you. June 25. I notice from everything that my illness was brought upon me by God through the action of Satan, the perpetrator of the flesh. What kind of dreams do you see mocking from a monster spirit, especially in the morning? How unprepared I am when I begin to celebrate the Liturgy, how gluttonous, how unreasonable, careless, stupid, insane! And the possessed girl, in the form of whom Satan appeared to me today, with an open mouth and [...] teeth, [threw herself] at some person and at me later! Horror. Secret murmur against God because of bad weather - damp, cold. I recognize my sin and repent, I blame myself; Because of our sins, we are worthy of even worse. Have mercy, Lord! I am dust. New Sursky deacon Koposov. The monastery deacon in Sura is Peter Nikolsky, voiceless, protege of Bishop Ioannikis 128, relative of the bishop’s secretary, personal. Don't send him a penny. What kind of a spectacle is the secretary? Secretary of the Spiritual Consistory Nikolai Nikitin. Not a single drop of rain will fall without the will of God. Remember this and do not complain about the excess of rain every day. June 25. In a sleepy dream, Satan presented to me, in brilliant wedding pomp, the upcoming marriage of a priest with a living wife to some old woman; metropolitans, archbishops and bishops, priests, many military men (marriage was supposed to take place in the regimental church) and people of all ranks - military and civilian, male and female - gathered; the bride was not shown to him for a long time, and when he asked, they showed him a sick old woman in bed and said that lice appeared on her; he loudly and indignantly refused the bride. This is the illusion of Satan over [God's] servants. Matthew 11:12: From the days of John the Baptist until now, the kingdom of heaven suffers violence, and those who use force take it. Two invisible forces constantly act on a person: good and evil, the power of God, the power of grace, and the power of the devil, the evil and all-destructive power; man is placed in this world as if between two fires, one of which is life-giving, about which the Lord says: I have come to bring down fire on the earth [Luke 12:49], and the other is a scorching and burning fire. A person must exert effort on himself in order to arouse in himself the fire of God, the fire of faith and love for God and neighbor. Man lost his first Divine dignity, his rightness, holiness, goodness, meekness and filled his soul with all sorts of sins. If you don’t have purity of heart, that’s a big loss, you need to acquire it; there is no sympathy for your neighbor in his sorrow, misfortune, misfortune, disaster, illness - change yourself, be sympathetic; If you do not have zeal for prayer to God, you do not have a spiritual taste for prayer, you do not have a spiritual ear for listening to the word of God - transform yourself, develop a spiritual taste, a spiritual ear, in order to listen with love to the word of God, in order to feel the sweetness of prayer and the sweetness of good deeds. If you are proud, humble yourself; if you are greedy for food and drink, be abstinent, etc. Evil strongly fights a person and forces him to do evil, but good attracts him to himself with his moral beauty, spiritual peace, spiritual freedom; good attracts with the promises of eternal life for victory over passions. To him who overcomes I will give to sit with Me on My throne... [Rev.3:21]. The Kingdom of Heaven, that is, holiness, righteousness, purity, abstinence, prayer, chastity, love for God and neighbor, is taken by force [Matthew 11:12], that is, by the power of God’s gracious help and one’s own zeal, and those who use force acquire it. The flesh resists the Spirit [Gal.5:17], that is, all virtue, so that we do not do what we want for the sake of God and the salvation of the soul and for the good of our neighbors. Man is placed in this life between two currents: good and evil - between two fires: the fire of God, life-giving, and the fire of the devil - scorching and tormenting. What is required is human resistance to all evil, all passions of the flesh and spirit, all lusts, and learning and assimilation of all virtues. Real life is a spiritual school, a struggle, a feat, a battle with sin or with the spirits of wickedness in high places [Eph.6:12], fighting us for evil. Everyone needs to learn to overcome sin within themselves with the help of God, for without God there is no way to reach the threshold. And from God we have been given all the Divine powers for life and godliness [2 Peter 1:3], we just need to not be lazy in using them. Do you want to learn how to delight the Kingdom of Heaven with power? - Learn from the saints, how they labored, how they used every effort on themselves, what selflessness they had, what impartiality to wealth, to worldly honor and glory, to carnal pleasures; what abstinence they had, what zeal for God, what constant prayer, what work, what humility, kindness, obedience, patience, mercy towards their neighbors. And how by faith they reached the Kingdom of God! None of them were put to shame; everyone has received incorruptible life and eternal glory, eternal bliss and are beyond any fear of losing the acquired Kingdom of Heaven. Imitate you too, each according to his own strength; read, listen to the word of God, delve into it, understand it, strive tirelessly for the goal of your life - and receive eternal salvation. After all, you have all worked in one way or another for the earth, for earthly prosperity - work especially to obtain eternal life; seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all this, all earthly blessings, will be added to you [Matthew 6:33]. Amen. July 2. Rest the soul of Your servant Lydia, Lord! She was pleasing to You, not of this world, meek, kind, pure, humble, benevolent. Archpriest John of Kronstadt, 1899 Archpriest John Ilyich Sergiev. A photo taken a few days before his death July 3. It can be seen that human nature is wonderfully and divinely (god-like) structure, that to recreate it it took such a supernatural means - the incarnation of the Son of God, His life on earth, countless miracles, the Divine teaching, suffering, death and Resurrection. The fallen image of God, unappreciated, to which the whole world is unequal, was the reason for such supernatural providence of God. Do people understand this? Not many understand, appreciate, and therefore live unworthily, at random, as if by chance, without thinking about the high goal of the Christian title, they live in the vanity of all sorts of addictions. Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal [Matthew 6:19]. The image of this world [1 Cor. 7:31] passes away as something corruptible, with all its beauty, riches, sweetness, glory and honor. There are only eternal blessings, eternal treasures, eternal life, truth, love with the holiness and peace of God. Direct the eyes of your heart there. Come there, help is coming from there. July 10. Thursday. Fourth day in Ustyuzhna. I served every day except the day of arrival. Every day he spoke a word; today on the text: Holy and sanctified, from the One are all things [Heb.2:11]. Today from one o'clock in the afternoon or earlier - thunderstorm, thunder, lightning, rain, downpour. I anticipated this bad weather (strong wind) two days in advance - in some mild bouts of illness. The kindness of the owners and everyone at home towards me is extraordinary. I'm not worth it. I thank the Lord. Send two hundred rubles to the Vyshnevolotsky convent; in Verkolsky - one hundred rubles; in the Hills - one hundred; Shenkursky - one hundred. Ivan Efimovich Shuvalov is a peasant worker who accompanies us every day on walks in his carriage. My iron and my stomach constantly require warmth. When it is warm, I am healthy and calm. When my stomach is cold, I am unwell. July 11, Euphemia of all praise and Olga of Russia. He served the liturgy and preached a sermon on the topic that one must often partake of the Most Pure Body and Blood of Christ. Why does the Orthodox Church give communion under both types? According to the commandment of Christ - once; secondly, because in the blood is the soul of man and man is conceived from the blood of his mother and [because] Christ accepted flesh and blood; thirdly, in the Old Testament, the Blood of Christ was depicted as animal sacrifices: rams, bulls and goats, and Moses sprinkled hyssop dipped in the blood on all the accessories of the tabernacle - books and all things. Are you, brothers and sisters, interested in the all-redemptive work of Christ, His economy of human salvation? Are you interested in the Church, the teaching of the Gospel, the Sacraments, are you interested in the work of heartfelt prayer, unfeigned repentance with deeds of repentance? Are you interested in eternal life, in which all the holy apostles, saints, martyrs, saints, stylites, unmercenaries were completely, selflessly interested, in which all sensible, sensible people were interested? We are all often interested in mere trifles - why are we not interested in these questions that are infinitely important to us? Where is the mind? Where is the purpose of life? A reasonable goal? - Everyone has many goals: food, drink, clothing, wealth, various pleasures, games, shows, lists, cards, tobacco. Where is the only thing needed [Luke 10:42]? Where is the soul? Her holiness, truth and mercy towards people? Fasting, abstinence in everything? Lord, Creator and Provider of all, I submit, Thy unworthy servant, my prayer before You for the servants Alexander, Helen and their children and for Your servants - Yakov, Paraskeva and their children, and for the fulfillment of their good and life desires according to all the petitions that they set out in writing before Your Face. Grant, O Lord, their desires according to all their requests. Do with them as with all those who turned to You in the simplicity of faith and heart. For You are the unenvious Source and Giver of all blessings, and we send glory to You to the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. July 12. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the word I spoke in church, the subject of which was the word Sabbath and why the Sabbath day was established in the Old Testament and in the New Testament. What does the rest or sabbath provided by God mean for people who obey Him? – In order to be rewarded with the eternal rest of the righteous, everyone must work here for the sake of the Kingdom of God, they need constant repentance, prayer, abstinence, alms, patience; Water does not flow under a lying stone, you need to strive: the Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it [Matthew 11:12]. It is necessary to dig up the soil of the heart and tear out all the roots of passions and bad habits and plant the wheat of virtue. July 13. Sunday. The gospel of the healing of the paralytic [Matthew 9:1–8]. During the liturgy, he spoke improvisationally about how sins weaken a person’s entire being; that you need constant repentance, constant forcing yourself to virtue. Praying is lazy; to restrain oneself is laziness; living chastely is laziness; Giving alms is laziness. The reason for the fall of the human race was the first of all angels, Dennitsa - strong, wise, beautiful, bright, who himself fell through pride and disobedience. The reason for the restoration of fallen man should also have been the first angel or Archangel, which was the Archangel Gabriel chosen by God. God bless! Every day the Lord recreates and recreates me through the service of the liturgy and the communion of the Holy life-giving Mysteries - I see, feel, feel this Divine miracle and thank my Creator and Recreator, a new creature, me, who creates, heals, pacifies. What will I bring or what will I render to You, Lord? I have nothing good of my own, everything is Yours. Teach me to fervently love You, thank and glorify You, O Lord My God! July 13. One o'clock in the afternoon. Tomorrow, the 14th, Monday, we leave from Ustyuzhna to Yaroslavl, and from there to Vaulovo along the cast iron to the Lyazhchevo stop. May God have a safe journey. Send a Guardian Angel, O Lord, a companion and guardian. Deliver us from evil and crafty people! Bless, Lord, the council of 129 archpastors and shepherds and all those gathered at the congress, or council, and be in the midst of them; speak in them, as in the prophets and in the ancient fathers of the Holy Ecumenical and Local Councils, for Your glory and for the good and glory of the Church. July 14. Monday. How the enemy alienates and tries to alienate me from God in sleepy dreams, through various faces, things, actions of worthless people - he represents what in reality, thank God, you will never see. Here is a kind of worthless, nasty, all-evil novelist, but what a subtle, cunning, dreamy one in a million different ways and ways, what an endlessly inventive, what a dreamer! - and all this in the most bad, vile, disgusting, abusive form! Why is he allowed to mock us like this? And it is clear that the enemy nests in our heart, in our old man! Oh, how we must crucify our old, godless man, in whom mental reptiles, devils of every kind, nest! Ask for some cloudberries to eat after mass, and take them on the boat for the trip. For everything I thank the Lord, who provides everything we need, everything for our good and innocent pleasure. I kiss your invisible hand, Lord; I behold You in all the works of Your hands! They are innumerable because of their multitude, like the sand of the sea and the stars of heaven. July 15. Three o'clock in the afternoon. We stood at the bank of the Mologa River for almost twenty hours because of the logs scattered by the former storm on July 10 (floating timber for sale), including the logs of Yakov Mikhailovich Pozdeev. Who spoiled us all, and especially me, with this storm? - Satan, by the permission of the Lord, like Job - with a storm that beat his children and livestock with a thunderstorm. But here there is also God’s punishment for timber merchants for their sins. July 16. Five o'clock in the morning. By God's grace we are in Yaroslavl; From here it’s ten hours by car to Vaulovo, to the Lyazhchevo stop. The river in Vaulovo, Sderinozhka, has a characteristic name: yes, you can stand on it - it’s all cluttered with branches and bushes. Did Mordvinov’s heirs open the manor’s house to us? Priest from the Lapps of Arkhangelsk, Ivan Vas. Bykov, arrived to me in Vaulovo on July 16 in the evening, at about eight o’clock; brought prosphora from the Arkhangelsk courtyard 130 and pleased me with the news of all sorts of order in the courtyard and the cleanliness of all the premises. I thank the Lord. Sick with [...] seizures, Sergius, a simple layman. Heal him, Lord! Your mercy is inexhaustible forever; May our faith in You not dry up, our Lord, Lord! Archimandrite Ignatius, vicar of the Patriarch of Antioch 131, also came to Vaulovo to serve. Save him, Lord, and His Holiness Patriarch Gregory. Description of the fall of the morning star in the prophet Ezekiel, chapter 28. The text of the prophet Isaiah 26 chapter 10 verse: If the wicked is shown mercy, he will not learn righteousness; he will do evil in the land of the righteous and will not look upon the greatness of the Lord. July 18. Friday. Mass. Service with deacon from Nikola the voiceless. A temptation occurred: another day the deacon did not help in the most important part of the liturgy; evades the offering of the Holy Gifts and does not receive communion; this upset me and created in me a secret dislike for him; I was embarrassed, but immediately secretly repented to the Lord, asking the deacon to change the evil disposition of my heart to a good, meek one, with forgiveness and to give me peace and the worthy celebration of the Sacrament with communion - and the Lord miraculously changed my heart, renewing and pacifying me. God bless. It seems that I am in his debt, having forgotten to pay for previous services. Pay him back today. Reading with attention the church services to the saints for every day of the year and contemplating their deeds in spirit, I cannot be amazed at their selfless love for the Lord and the inexpressible condescension of God towards them and the love of God for them. How many spiritual gifts did they receive from God? what miracles they performed, what gift of prophecy they had; both during their lives and after their death, God glorified them, and dwelt in them, and honored them with unspeakable glory and honor. Some saints, like the sun, shone at their very death, and Angels were their companions to heaven! This is [what] it means to have a human soul, cleansed of sins and loving its Creator with all its heart! God does not remain a debtor. Evgenia is sick, mother of Klavdiya Krasilnikov (Evgenia miscarried, bile spilled). Oh, grief, oh, troubles! Oh, thousands of troubles! Oh, our sins! July 19. Saturday. After mass, ten o'clock. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of mercy on me - the revival of my inner self after my secret deep repentance for my contempt and pride towards some rural women and irritation with them, who often tried to come up to me when I was driving, tired, to breathe clean air and secretly pray to the Lord and thank Him for the communion of the Holy Mysteries. My sin was grave - I was deprived of peace and joy after communion of the Holy Mysteries; grace left me, because I offended her and grieved the Holy Spirit. But after deep repentance, the Lord miraculously changed my heart and gave me heavenly peace and space of heart. 20. In order to inherit heaven and eternal life and be worthy of the eternal community of holy Angels and holy men, you must here on earth first purify yourself, hate sin and love truth, one truth, and thus become like God and [His] saints, for what fellowship has light with darkness, righteousness with lawlessness? Christ with Belial [2 Cor. 6:14–15]? The saints spent their entire lives preparing and cleansing themselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit; We especially need to learn humility, for the beginning of sin is pride. Dennitsa fell with pride. July 21. To the God-loving assembly 129 in the mother of Russian cities, God-saved Kyiv, of the bishops and the entire consecrated cathedral with the pious zealots of the Holy Orthodox Church from the laity, my heartfelt greetings in the spirit of Christ's filial and brotherly love. Where two or three are gathered in My name, there I am in the midst of them [Matthew 18:20]. July 21. After mass, at one o'clock in the afternoon, there was a cloud with thunder and lightning and there was a lot of rain and downpour; alternately lasted several hours. Premonition a day before - it was hard the day before; sweated at night; health is extremely weak; the voice was completely exhausted. Last year's cloudberry (juice) soaked (I only ate the juice, did not eat the berries). At one o'clock there is a grain. Present with you is the Most Holy Head of His Church - the Lord Jesus Christ, who loved Her and gave Himself up for her, so that He may present to Himself a glorious Church, not having any filth or vice, or anything of the sort, but may it be holy and blameless [Eph.5:25-27]. With you are the faces of the patriarchs, prophets, apostles, saints, martyrs, saints and all saints; The entire Russian Church in the person of its sincere children is with you in thought. July 23. I thank the Lord, who saved me from an internal secret fall during the celebration of the liturgy in its most important part (after I Believe), when Father Priest Michael covered the Holy Chalice with a cloth, and I, out of capriciousness, removed it, leaving the vessel open; I wanted to make a small protest against him with this, because it seemed that he was too helpful and literal (according to the template). The peace of God left me, I soon apologized to him, for he began to shy away a little from serving me for fear of a reprimand. Things went well; peace returned to my soul, and I performed the liturgy peacefully, just as I received communion. But I was irritable in the morning; my heart was not ready for God due to long sleep and unpreparedness for prayer. We need to get up earlier and prepare more diligently for the liturgy. He took communion without condemnation. He spoke about improvisation graciously, [...] passionately. (About the Apostle Peter’s argument with the Savior and the Lord’s answer to him: get away from Me, Satan! You are an offense to Me! Because you think not about the things of God, but the things of men [Matthew 16:23]. Then about self-sacrifice. If anyone wants to come after Me, deny yourself, and take up your cross, and follow Me [Matthew 16:24].) Prophet Jeremiah chapter 50, verses 41–46. About the fall of Babylon, the wonderful, sovereign speech of the Lord of Hosts, the Lord of all creation, 44: Who is like Me? And who will demand an answer from Me? And what shepherd will oppose Me?.. From the noise of the capture of Babylon the earth will shake, and a cry will be heard among the nations. Thus says the Lord: I will raise up My adversaries against Babylon and against those who dwell among her, and I will send winnowers against Babylon, and they will scatter her and devastate her land; for on the day of disaster they will attack him from all sides (beginning of chapter 51) [Jer. 51:1–2]. Chapter 51 verse 20: You are My hammer, a weapon of war; with you I have struck down nations and with you I have destroyed kingdoms; with you you smote the horse and its rider, and with you you smote the chariot and its driver, and so on. Catholics are guilty, among other things, of unfairly considering us heretics and schismatics; they scold and curse our Holy Immaculate, Catholic and Apostolic Church; they do not want to trace our Orthodox teaching, our liturgical books, canons, hierarchy; out of contempt, pride and disgust, they do not even want to set foot in our church, considering this a desecration. Satanic hatred! I will soon have to leave the earth - away from the absurd, deadening addiction to everything earthly; May I love the one thing I need, may I love the only Lord, my life-giving, inexhaustible Treasure. The wicked will not see Your glory, Christ, that is, unbelievers, non-grafters, evil Catholics, Lutherans blasphemers and reformists, Jews, Mohammedans, all Buddhists, all pagans. Will we see? It depends on our life, faith, piety. If we have the Spirit of Christ, if we are a new creature in Christ, then we will undoubtedly see the glory of Christ and enjoy it forever. Who is wise and will understand this? Who will force himself to achieve the Kingdom of God? An amazing creature is the human soul, created in the image and likeness of God, although fallen. For what is it like in the saints who have diligently served the Lord in this temporary life? How devoted is she to God through love and selflessness, prayer, abstinence, and unceasing vision towards God? How pure, how bright, how firm, how fragrant? And the very bodies of saints emit fragrances. And what is the end? How peaceful, glorious, bright, holy! I wish all the best to Father Priest Mikhail Sretensky, as well as to myself. Let him use God’s gift of the earth, without restraint, and work on the bees. The owner (after the head here at the monastery) is Father Mikhail Sretensky as a priest, confessor, and mentor. I must be a master, a master in myself, in my heart, I must rule over all passions and kill them and give dominance to grace for all good, especially love for my neighbor, in order to love God most of all - for love for God is tested by love for my neighbor. He who does not love his brother whom he sees, how can he love God whom he does not see? And we have this commandment from Him, that whoever loves God should also love his brother [1 John 4:20–21]. Anyone who hates his brother is a murderer. First Epistle of John [3:15]. Remember the only wealth of Elijah the prophet - the mantle 132 that was lowered on Elisha during the ascension of the prophet [1 Kings 19:19–20]. Oh, how he, Elijah, loved God, how alien he was to all worldly passions! He was all in God and before he was taken to heaven he lived with his heart in heaven with God. The Lord lives... before whom I stand! - he said [1 Kings 17:1]. Boast in the Cross, by which the world was crucified to me, and to the world [Gal.6:14]. So be it! Amen. July 25. Grant me, Lord, a kind heart, benevolent even to my enemies or Russia; grant me to realize that my most evil enemy is me, myself. Amen, July 26, 1908. Varvara Ivanovna Fedosikhina. July 25, 1908. Priest Nikolai Vasilyevich Vinogradov, Yaroslavl province, Romanovsky district, village of Malakhovo. When you pray before the image of the Lord, or the Mother of God, or the saints, ask yourself internally: do you sincerely and with love look (look) at the holy icons, do you raise your gaze with faith to the Primordial? Do you pray with all your heart and with all your thoughts, with all your hope? Is your heart not asleep, is your thought not asleep? Is it not the slumber of the heart that your mouth speaks? How small I am, how insignificant in God’s creation, how sinful among earthly beings, and, moreover, how conceited, crafty, judgmental regarding the deeds and words or the rashness of those in authority, even kings and the highest persons, and regarding all people! How irritable, angry, envious, proud, unkind, ill-willed towards many, lazy, negligent, selfish, careless, lascivious, not diligent in holy deeds, such as prayer and repentance! From early youth I burdened myself with sins and have remained stuck in them until now, despite the abundant grace God gave me in reading the word of God and serving the daily liturgy. Today, July 28, Monday, the Most Reverend Archbishop Tikhon of Yaroslavl and Rostov came to the Vaulovsky Dormition monastery 133, stood and prayed throughout mass, drank tea, had a snack, inspected the monastery (from eleven o’clock to noon), at one o’clock in the afternoon he deigned to have lunch and at two o’clock he left for St. Nicholas parish, and from there to the merchants Lopatin. July 31st. In the gift of the Divine Liturgy to the Orthodox Church and in the gift of other Sacraments to it, so much has been given by God that no human mind can appreciate the greatness of these gifts - the gift of rebirth, adoption, renewal, the right to eternal life, entry into heaven, cohabitation with the Angels and all the saints and eternal reconciliation with the Heavenly Father and participation in His holiness and bliss. Do you, Orthodox Christians, value this gift of God and do you try to live worthy of the Christian calling in purity and holiness and in all virtue? The Son of God did not come to be served, but to serve (our salvation) and to give His soul as a ransom for many (believers) [Matthew 20:28]. Unbelievers will not be saved; and many of the Orthodox will not be saved for their hardness of heart and lack of mercy. Because you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to Me [Matthew 25:45]. Few escaped. Many are called, but few are chosen... Not a single man of those called will taste My supper [Luke 14:24] for addiction to this life and for unbelief and coldness towards God and whiteness of heart. Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has no place to lay his head [Matthew 8:20]. Can you drink the cup that I will drink, or be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized? The two brothers softened their [answer] by saying: we can. If not for this answer or this willingness to lay down their lives for Christ, their request would have been very offensive to all the Apostles; and even then, they were offended; It is said: they were indignant with James and John, - the Lord admonished them [Matthew 20:20–24]. Our salvation is in the Church, as in Noah’s ark, and nowhere else. If he does not listen to the church, then let him be to you as a pagan and a tax collector [Matthew 18:17]. The Church is us, the Body of Christ, and He, Christ, is the Savior of the Body; and we are members of the Body, of His flesh and of His bones [Eph.5:30]. The helmsman is the Holy Spirit, that is, the verbal ship - the Church. Only in the Church, as in Noah’s Ark, can one be saved. The pious Cornelius the centurion, a former pagan who always prayed and gave alms, was instructed by an Angel to call the Apostle Peter and from him hear the word of salvation and receive baptism with the whole house [Acts 10]. Significant. Unless someone is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the Kingdom of God [John 3:5]: Mohammedans will not enter, Jews will not enter, idolaters will not enter, heretics will not enter, sectarians will not enter; fornicators, adulterers, covetous people, offenders, drunkards, thieves - will not inherit the Kingdom of God [1 Cor. 6:9-10]. Quickly lay hold of eternal life and prepare for it. Don't be late. Only by true faith in Christ and in His Church will we be saved and by works of love. August 1st. In the picturesque face of the Savior, the Mother of God, the Forerunner and the saints, the most sacred thing is depicted, truth, goodness, meekness, humility, mercy, and in the faces of the saints - complete devotion to God. With what love we must look at holy icons, at images of the Holy Cross, at the Gospel and other shrines that remind us of the great deeds and words of God and the holy saints. So look, and don’t lower your face to the ground, don’t be alienated with your heart and eyes, like the Lutherans and Pashkovites or the Jews. Appropriate yourself to the heavenly Church. Do you like monuments of famous people in some way, do you like to look at their portraits, photographs - [why] don’t you like to look at the faces of saints? You are inconsistent and very, very stupid, false and wild. Stop by the Leushinsky courtyard on Baseinaya upon arrival in St. Petersburg. August 1st. Those who are planted in the house of the Lord will flourish in the courts of our God [Ps.91:14]. Stichera on the poem of St. Blessed Basil the Wonderworker of Moscow. Only in the Orthodox Church of God is there incorruption of relics, but outside the Church there is no such thing, neither among Catholics, nor among Lutherans, much less among Jews and Mohammedans. Hold on to the Church with a sincere heart. August 2. Saturday. Had dinner - ate fish soup; not good, my stomach is upset. Do not replace cereal grains with any food; stick to her alone. Seven o'clock in the morning. Malignant and vain blindness covers the heart eyes of Christians, and not Christians especially. What kind of blindness? The one that people forget about the perishability, impermanence and disappearance of all material goods: beauty and health of the body, wealth, earthly things, food and drink that delight the larynx, earthly rewards and distinctions, shows and various games, works of art. People do not think or think very little about eternal life and about the heavenly, incorruptible abodes prepared for those who love God from the creation or before the creation of the world. Only a few out of many strove for this latter with all their souls, for many are called, but few are chosen [Luke 14:24]. Away with heart blindness! Give me, Lord, clear eyes of heart, so that I can clearly see the eternal blessings You have prepared for me. August 3. Sunday. If anyone does not hate his own life... he cannot be My disciple [Luke 14:26]. Indeed, I must hate my soul, for it is full of all sorts of passions that alienate me from God, my life; she is an instrument of the devil, she is my implacable enemy. Oh, damn me! Prophet Isaiah 26 chapter [verse] 1 ff: In that day this song will be sung in the land of Judah: we have a strong city; He gave salvation instead of wall and rampart. Open the gate; let a righteous people enter in, keeping the truth. You keep him who is strong in spirit in perfect peace, for he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting stronghold: He has overthrown those who dwelt on high, the city that stood on high; threw him down, threw him to the ground, threw him into the dust. Foot tramples him, the feet of the poor, the feet of the beggars. The path of the righteous is straight; You make the path of the righteous smooth. And in the way of Your judgments, O Lord, we trusted in You; Our soul yearned for Your name and the remembrance of You. With my soul I have longed for Thee at night, and with my spirit I will seek Thee within my being from early morning: for when Thy judgments are carried out on earth, then those who dwell in the world learn righteousness. If the wicked is pardoned, he will not learn righteousness; he will commit evil in the land of the righteous and will not look upon the greatness of the Lord. God! Your hand was raised high, but they did not see it; Those who hate Your people will see and be ashamed; fire will devour your enemies. God! You give us peace; for You also arrange all our affairs for us. Verse 19: Your dead will live, your dead bodies will rise! Let a man examine himself, and in this way let him eat of this bread and drink of this cup [1 Cor. 11:28]. Everyone test yourself, and [...], and repent to the priest several times a year, at least ten times. August 4th. Monday. Thank God for the bath I took last night. May it be for my benefit and for the glory of God. Amen. Antonina (Kosova from Astrakhan) is a girl of sixteen years old, an unbeliever, disobedient, proud, angry, disobedient, a scolder, a despiser of her mother, who cries because of her and almost goes crazy. The boys, Fyodor, fourteen years old, and Sergius, twelve, also imitate sister Antonina and are rude to her. The father does not take care of the children - he is angry, busy with trade to the point of becoming addicted to it. Lord, punish Antonina for her insolence and send her illness and misfortune, so that she humbles herself and learns to obey her mother and honor her, kind, simple, illiterate. August 5th. Tuesday. Morning. Today, by the grace of God, I am leaving the Vaulovsky Assumption Skete for St. Petersburg, for the Ivanovo Monastery. Bless, Lord, our path. Thank You for the gift of health. Make my steps in Your paths, so that my steps may not move [Ps.16:5]. - Before mass. Remember, Lord, all those who commanded me, unworthy, to pray for them. The quick medicine worked very well without relaxing me (yogurt). August 11. Christian logic, it seems, is not difficult and can easily be understood and studied, and is too vital to love, and study, and assimilate it with all your heart; and yet it is this, this Christian logic, that almost everyone has forgotten, both simple and learned (pseudo-scientists), it is precisely this that they do not delve into and do not study with diligence, like other earthly and utilitarian sciences, arts and artistic skills; and this heavenly logic and wisdom is justified by her children, like Seraphim of Sarov, Theodosius of Chernigov, Tikhon of Zadonsk, Mitrofan of Voronezh and all the ancient, medieval and new holy saints of God. Which of the laity is now looking for this pearl of great price (souls in the image and likeness of God), this treasure hidden in the field, this mustard seed, this leaven that the woman put in three measures of flour [Matthew 13:31–33]? August 12. The Roman popes worked for more than a thousand years in favor of arrogance and pride and all lies, and not for Christ, not for His Church, inventing many false teachings - about the primacy of the pope in the Church, about infallibility, about unleavened bread in the liturgy, about communion in one Body without Blood, about purgatory, etc.; they have piled up so many new, unheard of dogmas (about the immaculate conception) that it is impossible for anyone who professes the Catholic faith to be saved and those who recognize the pseudo-Catholic lie as the truth. The good tree produces good fruits, and the evil tree produces evil fruits. By their fruits you will recognize them [Matthew 7:17, 20]. Do not be arrogant, Catholics, God Himself condemned you in lies, like Christ did the Pharisees and Sadducees and the high priests of the Jews. It is not for nothing that the Jews and Poles act together, in the same spirit. August 15, 1908. Lord, seal 135 the lips and dry up the writing hand of V. Rozanov, who speaks incorrect [blasphemy] at the All-Russian Kiev Congress of Missionaries. The treasure hidden in the field is the Church; This treasure is hidden by the truth of God from those who pretend to be wise - the scientists of this age. They walk around and around this Divine treasure, but do not find it, or even seeing, as if they do not see, and hearing, they do not understand... Give a sermon on this topic. August 12. God! Do we grieve you, who is immeasurably good and constantly benefits us in every possible way, with all sorts of sins, malice, envy, wickedness, partiality, hypocrisy, murmuring, blasphemy, impatience, lustful and nasty thoughts, coldness, ingratitude, laziness, insensitivity to sin, and all sorts of passions? Correct us through their destinies and show us worthy of Yourself, so that we may live worthy of our Christian calling and election. Evening, nine o'clock. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me with a majestic pardon in the morning, when I, irritated with the servant Evgenia for being late (it seemed) to board the steamer Oranienbaumsky [arrived] to go to the Prince of Oldenburg, almost hit her. Grace left me, and I felt very bad, vague, cramped, gloomy, deadly - and I repented from the depths of my soul, and how I repented! Like David after his sin, like Manasseh, the captive king of Judah! How convincing both for yourself and for the Lord! And I repented secretly for a long time, driving to the pier, and finally felt that I had been pardoned, that my sin had been forgiven. And how disgusting, senseless, unrighteous my anger was! For I made it to the ship on time and was still waiting for its departure. I have sinned, Lord, by disliking the crooked, the deaf (although I myself am deaf), the lame, those disfigured in the face by rowan ridges or scars, those without a real nose, mouth, and others who are in one way or another disfigured by illness or various accidents, forgetting that they are the same people as those who are pleasant in face and the correct structure of the whole body, that their souls are also in the image of God and, perhaps, much more beautiful than us in inner dignity, by virtue, secret or manifest. Correct my passionate heart, O Lord, so that I love everyone according to Your commandment: love your neighbor as yourself [Matthew 22:39]. I thank the Lord for today’s early liturgy and the good communion of myself and others in church and at home. Great grace! On the night of August 15, in what frequent attacks and in what frequent terrible detention was I from ethereal [...] like death robbers who wanted to rob and kill me! How afraid I was; how he shouted when they attacked, but there was no help from anywhere. This is for my intemperance and for violating holy fasting: in order for my stomach to be resolved, I ate milk several times, yogurt, when I was full without it, to satisfy my greed and my boundless appetite for milk. I sinned against God and the Most Holy Lady Theotokos by not attending the all-night vigil in the Assumption Duma Church and not reading the akathist! I repent, I repent, I repent to the Lord and the Most Holy Theotokos, Whom I offended by my intemperance to delicacies! May God grant that I never break my fast again, especially during my daily celebration of the Liturgy and the communion of the Holy Mysteries! August 15. Lord, command Suvorin 136 to publish my answer to the desecrator of the shrine Rozanov in the newspaper “Novoe Vremya”. What Divine militia surrounds us, members of the Orthodox Church (if only we are truly members). I mean the council of all the holy apostles, prophets, patriarchs and saints, martyrs, saints and righteous people and all saints. For they are one spiritual body, one Divine army. What kind of help should we look for if not heavenly? To whom should one turn in adversity, illness and sorrow, if not to the holy members of the Church of God, especially to the Lord Himself, the Mother of God, the Forerunner, etc.? God! We thank You for the pleasant, warm weather, which makes it easier for farmers to harvest the current grain from the fields, and for others, hay. Glory to Your fatherly supervision and care! Glory to Your all-good and wise Providence! Amen. Nine o'clock in the evening. August 15. Most Holy Theotokos, save us! Lord, protect Your Church, which is being reviled by the scribbler Rozanov. He raised his head high against Your Church! Humble him! Amen. August 15. Late in the evening I asked myself for a ripe melon - the servant gave me a very ripe and sweet one. I got carried away, ate more than I should, and upset my stomach and irritated my bladder, causing harm to myself. I sinned before God and myself. Forgive me, Lord! Do parish, city and monastery priests worthily partake of every liturgy? No, many are unworthy. God sees what they think and do after the service sometimes. God! Thou art the Righteous Judge of all, do not judge us, unworthy, who daily partake of Thy Chalice and Holy Body. Behold, we are all unworthy of Your Terrible and Heavenly and Life-Giving Mysteries. May your immeasurable mercy cover our sins. Reconcile me, Lord, with the memory of Emperor Alexander II, who was killed by villains, who, although he sinned gravely in life, but through human sins, of which I, a great sinner, am not alien. Forgive him and me, voluntary and involuntary sins, and pour into my heart love for the crowned martyr, whose sins You forgave for his violent death. He was a believer and benevolent; he loved Russia and himself was in the war for the liberation of the Slavs of the same faith. If it is true that the factory in Sura (the monastic one) was set on fire by the workers, then they punished themselves by being left without income; if not, then the loss should be felt especially by the abbess (oversight). If the fire was the work of God, then be the name of the Lord blessed, for God gave, God took away, and is again strong and good to restore it better than before. Blessed be the name of the Lord [Job.1:21]! When we pray for our neighbors, the Lord looks at our hearts - do we sincerely desire salvation and all good for our neighbors as for ourselves; secondly, whether we sincerely abhor sin and love repentance and virtue; thirdly, whether we sincerely love the Lord and are heartily devoted to Him; fourthly, aren’t we angry at anyone, aren’t we at enmity? If you bring your gift to the altar and there you remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go first and be reconciled with your brother, and then come and offer your gift [Matthew 5:23-24]. We should not have a hostile attitude towards anyone, but should have a loving, patient, all-forgiving attitude, so that God would forgive us... How slyly some officers philosophize! I had a young officer - of a noble and wealthy family - and he talked, among other things, about martyrs like this: what would it take for another martyr, just for show, to throw a piece of incense in honor of an idol and he would be released! “I explained to him what that meant.” August 18. The word of our Savior Lord Jesus Christ is true: He who is not with Me is against Me [Matthew 12:30]. Catholics, Lutherans and Reformed people have fallen away from the Church of Christ - and they are not with us, not of the same mind with us, they are strongly at enmity against us, persecuting us to death, oppressing us in every possible way for our faith, ridiculing it and us and doing all sorts of dirty tricks to us, especially in the main places of their settlement; they clearly go against Christ and His Church, do not venerate the Life-giving Cross, holy icons, holy relics, do not respect fasting, and transform the holy dogmas of the faith into saving ones. They are not with us, but against us and against Christ. Turn them, Lord, to Thy true Church and save them. My Lord Jesus Christ delivered me and is delivering me from all sorrows and sorrows, and I thank Him for that with all my heart; and how quickly the enemy often comes from out of nowhere, accidentally inflicted by sorrows, especially from evil and crafty people or from unforeseen circumstances! Glory to You, who protects my belly from sorrows and sorrows! August 18, 1908. Morning, six o'clock. Insatiably, joyfully and unceasingly glorify the Lord, the All-Creator, the Heavenly Angels, countless, innumerable beyond the sand of the sea, and holy men as well, but we, earthly and earthly, stout, are so lazy in prayer, praise and thanksgiving! Why? Because they are addicted to the earth, to the voluptuous and lazy flesh, to earthly acquisitions, games, and various sensual pleasures. In order to worthily glorify and love the Creator, one must eradicate sinful pride, selfishness, and selfishness. If anyone wants to come after Me, turn away and take up your cross and follow Me [Matthew 16:24]. All saints will be witnesses of the saving faith of Christ against all our scientists, secular ignoramuses who boast of their false education, against all non-Orthodox Christians, Jews, Mohammedans, pagans, especially those who are called only Orthodox Christians, who have long since betrayed their faith in practice. That is why martyrs are called witnesses in Greek. Remember, Christian, how many witnesses there will be against you at the Judgment of Christ. Christian man! Remember how much caring and wonderful Providence the Lord showed about your salvation, predetermining to save you before the ages were created, announcing 137 His coming to earth through the prophets and various righteous men of the Old Testament, how He came to earth and fulfilled all His wondrous vision for you, founding the Church with shepherding and the Sacraments, giving it a saving word, grace to grace [ John 1:16 ], all saving means to life and godliness [ 2 Peter 1:3 ]! Remember the suffering of the Lord Jesus Christ for you, the atoning death on the cross, the resurrection and ascension into heaven and the promise to come to earth a second time with glory for the Judgment of the living and the dead. Tell me, what are you doing for your own salvation, for the Kingdom of Heaven is acquired through effort, and those who use effort acquire it [Luke 16:16]? Be ashamed of yourself, repent, mourn your unbelief, negligence, inertia, laziness, vanity, madness, pride, envy, covetousness, intemperance, debauchery, fornication and every passion - and quickly get down to the work of your salvation. Read the word of God, read how the holy, servile 138 people lived and labored. August 20. Do you, O priest, who performs sacred rites and celebrates the liturgy every day, value the fruits of communion of the Holy, life-giving and terrible, heavenly Mysteries? Do you feel the cleansing of sins, renewal, rebirth, sanctification, the peace of God that surpasses all understanding, a good yoke and a light burden, freedom of spirit, joy in the Holy Spirit? Blessed are you if you feel all this and thank God. Warm up the gift of God in yourself, do not be indifferent, insensitive, ungrateful. For the feeling of gratitude you will be rewarded with greater grace; Correct yourself in everything, strive for the perfection of life and virtue, so that you may be worthy to hear a voice from the Lord: well, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful in small things, I will put you over many things; enter into the joy of your master [Matthew 25:21]. Amen. The nail of Catholic pride and Catholic deceit in dogmas, in government and moral teaching is the primacy of the pope, an imaginary and incorrect understanding of the Savior’s saying: you are Peter, and on this rock I will build My Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it [Matthew 16:18]. All the holy fathers of the first and subsequent centuries recognized and the first Orthodox popes themselves that by the foundation - the stone - we must understand the Lord Jesus Christ Himself: the stone was Christ [1 Cor. 10:4]. As proof of the most accurate and clear evidence, I cite words that have a similar turn from the Gospel of John: destroy this church [John 2:19] (by church we mean the church of the body of the Lord not made with hands, and not the Temple of Jerusalem, as one might understand from the flow of speech). By the church the Lord meant His most pure body, just as by the foundation stone we must understand Christ Himself, and not the successor of Peter the Apostle or Peter himself. This is clear. And the popes imagined themselves to be the heads of the Church and its foundation, and even the vicars of Christ, which is absurd and incongruous with anything. And hence all the arrogance of the Roman popes and their long-standing claims to supremacy and unauthorized control of the entire Universal Church. Well, the popes have done various tricks in their papal Church, various false dogmas leading to falsehood both in faith and in life. This is a completely heretical Church. August 19. Forgive me, Lord, that I violated the main principle of Your law - love for one's neighbor and became irritated with my servant and called her a fool in anger. I repent. Forgive, correct, do not allow the sin to happen in the future. In our old man there is a habit when reading the word of God, or liturgical books, or the writings of the patristic and generally holy books - to secretly resist the predicate, that is, what is said and written. This is the secret voice of the old enemy, Satan, who was the first to learn and teach fallen spirits and people to resist God, His holy truth and righteousness. So I noticed and notice that he secretly resists me, my heart and mind, when reading prayers, canons, stichera, the Creed, and I must overcome and overthrow his plans. O accursed one, get away from me, enemy of the truth and righteousness of God! You lead those who listen to you, like Adam and Eve, to lies, damnation and death. October 9. My excessive use of yogurt causes countless harm - constant pain in the reproductive organs, cutting pain. Don't eat curdled milk, you've had enough of the Holy Mysteries. Amen. August 19. Every day seeing the solid and invariably correct flow of all the celestial bodies and planets and the solid standing of the globe (circle) with all the mountains and valleys, with all the seas, lakes, rivers and springs, with all the fields, meadows, forests and an infinite variety of plants, fruits, amazingly beautiful flowers and the entire animal kingdom - people, livestock, animals, birds, insects, fish, the kingdom of fossil wealth or metals, flammable oil wealth - I am surprised and cannot marvel at the goodness, power and wisdom of the One Creator in the Trinity and, mentally transporting myself to the invisible, incorruptible, eternal world, incomparably superior to the visible world, I am even more amazed at the Creator of all worlds, visible and invisible; and if the visible world is so beautiful, diverse, full of life and beauty, then what is the invisible world like? It is not in vain that it is said in the word of God that eye has not seen, ear has not heard, and it has not entered into the heart of man that God has prepared for those who love Him [1 Cor. 2:9]. Love God immediately, all intelligent Christians, and achieve perfection in love and eternal truth. August 20. Holy Prophet Samuel. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the quick, merciful, benevolent, sovereign deliverance of me from spiritual death, sorrow and hardship that befell me righteously for irritation and anger at the priest Sukin (from St. Petersburg), who invited me to confess his sins; I said: go away and go to another priest - I am sick and cannot study with you. – I deeply and strongly repented to the Lord in secret, and the Lord, seeing the depth of repentance, forgave and revived me, and I served the Liturgy in peace and said an animated, reasonable sermon on Christ’s parable about leaven: The Kingdom of Heaven is like leaven [Matthew 13:33]. I thank the Lord, who makes me wise and gives me the word to preach. Continue to become wise for Your glory and for the salvation of Your faithful people. Amen. Evening, nine o'clock. Witnesses of the true saving faith of our Orthodox faith are all the holy patriarchs, prophets, apostles, martyrs, saints, saints and the whole multitude of those who have pleased God in various ways. And at the second coming of the Lord, they will all become witnesses against the unfaithful and lawless and will condemn them. The first apostate from God, the devil, who became proud before the Creator, declared war on God and His truth and then on the human race, which listened to his flattering speeches in the person of Adam and Eve. A person defeated by inattention and frivolity by the enemy and captive from the enemy by all kinds of sins must wage a continuous war with the enemy and sin and defeat him with the help of God in order to regain the truth of God, the holiness and peace of God, lost frivolously, and achieve the crowns of victory and incorruption. God's truth demands this. Bring back the lost likeness of God and a blissful life with immortality. A new Russian navy replaces the lost old one in Japanese waters. About fourteen or fifteen years ago, and perhaps less, the Russian government ordered the release of 50 million for the construction of sea giants, armadillos with different names of pagan gods and goddesses and some Russian fabulous heroes, as opposed to the English, French and German; they built, although not everything; it turned out that some ships were ready, but there were no naval personnel capable of operating them; there were people of little ability, untrained or who did not like maritime affairs and sea vessels; there was a war - there was no one to send, and the ships turned out to be below the criticism of experts in maritime affairs. They were sent to the war with the Japanese as a laughing stock; the ships were lost, the war was lost. Now it has been ordered to allocate one hundred million for the construction of such shells, but there are no capable officers, and most importantly, there is no desire for work, patriotism or religion in future sailors, and future sea monsters will again be doomed to extermination. Gentlemen, excuse me, but listen to an outsider who is rooting for the fleet. First prepare officers who love Russia and God and are devoted with all their hearts to the cause, as in Germany and England. Listen to the smart speeches of Emperor Wilhelm - what makes Germany and its emperor strong? What do they firmly hope for in the event of war and not allow themselves to be offended? Hey, you, the leading officials and classes of the military system of the sea and land, listen to the wise speeches of the royal orator - do what he did and is doing for the German army of the land and sea, and you will not be mistaken in your calculations. Sat Sapienti 139. From a letter from retired archpriest Elder Mikhail Ivanovich Sibirtsev, I was convinced (August 23) that too much respect for anyone, especially the elderly, is very harmful for the respected themselves, because the respected are extremely arrogant and ask for the almost impossible. He asked me to petition for an additional pension of three hundred rubles annually. I sent mine. And first he asked for space in the chambers of the new Sursky compound. I myself am the cause of the illness of my member through intemperance, albeit small. After communion of the Holy Mysteries, I must be completely abstinent. Juva, oh Deus 140! Two bellies, two lives for man are intended for God's chosen people - a temporary earthly one and an eternal heavenly one. This life is given to us independently of us; the future, eternal, without us, without our faith and desire, without good deeds, cannot be given to anyone; you need to firmly and constantly believe in the future resurrection of the dead and in the future endless life, you need to educate yourself for it, stock up on the oil of good deeds, or alms, for the merciful will receive mercy [Matthew 5:7]. Therefore, in this Gospel, the Lord pointed out to a rich young man, who wanted to know about the path to the Kingdom of God, to give alms, and generous ones at that, but the word about distributing property to the poor seemed inconceivable to the young man, and he left the heavenly Teacher with sadness in his heart. The Lord said on this occasion that it is difficult for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God [Matthew 19:16–24], for it is impossible for both God and mammon to work together [Matthew 6:24]. The passion for covetousness makes a person an idolater; Covetousness is idolatry, says the Apostle [Col.3:5]. Remember what greed brought Judas to. This is the enemy of God and man, covetousness. Flee covetousness; it makes a person stony-hearted, an enemy of God and people. August 24. Second hour in the afternoon. I thank You, Lord, for this gift (millia 141), which I have just accepted from a woman from the Saratov province, a landowner. How long, Lord, do you tolerate the worst atheist who has confused the whole world, Leo Tolstoy? How long do you not call him to Thy Judgment? Behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give to everyone according to his deeds [Rev. 22:12]. Lord, the earth is tired of tolerating his blasphemy. Lord, incline the heart of Your servant, Archbishop Ioannikis, to fulfill my request for a deacon for the Sursky metochion in Arkhangelsk. Hey, wake up! Amen. From You, O Lord, every perfect gift comes [James 1:17]. August 26. Tsvetkova and Rodionova 142 were given seventy-five rubles to move from the dacha. Now issued in October. Archpriest Alexey Step. Shadritsky, retired (from Odessa), now in the Ochakov Vorontsovsky metochion as an assistant to priest Nikolai. Communion of the Holy Mysteries at every liturgy makes me healthy, peaceful, and renewed. I thank the Lord, who revives me with these wonderful Mysteries. How many greatest gifts are hidden in the liturgy. Orthodox Christians! Idolize the liturgy that adorns us by the grace of God! Priests and laity, be renewed by it every day. Glory to the bounties of God the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen. Who made me feel so good as today and yesterday and the third day? - Your gift is all-merciful, Lord! August 29. I thank You, Lord, for healing my womb through the communion of Your Divine, life-giving and terrible Mysteries. I thank You for the joy given to me. But how I suffered yesterday afternoon, evening and night from my womb! September 1st. I had you. Mich. Birm, husband of Tatyana Vasilievna, daughter of the former fire chief 143 Vasily Ivanovich Balykin. He asked for money and gave fifty rubles. Never eat eggs or unleavened milk in the evening - this satiety is sinful and extremely harmful for the disease and for the soul - the soul becomes white and grows cold towards God. I suffered a lot in the evening and all night from the extremely painful pressure of eggs and milk on my disease - the gland. How careless and greedy I am! I rightly suffer very hard! Serves it right! Lord, Lord of kingdoms and nations! Disperse the treasonous State Duma soon - let not one of its members exist; choose people you like. You fell into spiritual captivity due to inattention and ingratitude and pride; try to free yourself from this captivity with the help of the all-powerful warrior of the Lord Jesus Christ, who defeated our common enemy and adversary; That is why all Divine powers have been given to you. Look at the example of the struggle of the apostles, saints, martyrs, saints, unmercenaries and all the saints, and they help those who call. Didn’t You sow good seed in Your village (Your Church), from where to come the tares [Matthew 13:27] - heresies, schisms, the admission of new dogmas; all sorts of vices: pride, hypocrisy, vanity, desire for domination, supremacy in the Catholic Church; distortion of worship, Sacraments, rituals (unleavened bread)? The Lord [answers]: Man's enemy did this [v. 28], human pride and malice. Do you want, say the Angels, we will go and weed out the bad grass? No, says the Master of the field (of the Church and human hearts). Leave both to grow until the harvest, etc. Gather the wheat into My barn, and burn the tares with unquenchable fire [v. 27–30]. It talks about the Orthodox and heretical Churches and about Orthodox Christians. September 4. Thursday. Yesterday in the evening and all night I suffered from my sick member due to yogurt, consumed in excess (in the intervals I started drinking several times). Forgive me, Lord! Forgive me, I have sinned before You and before myself. September 6. Lord, do not allow Leo Tolstoy, the heretic who surpassed all heretics, to reach the feast of the Nativity of the Most Holy Theotokos, whom he terribly blasphemed and blasphemes. Take him from the ground - this stinking corpse, which stinks the whole earth with its pride. Amen. Nine pm. September 8. Lord, the seriously ill Anna (Grigorieva) earnestly prays to You for her healing through my unworthiness. Heal her, physician of soul and body, and surprise us with Your mercy and power. Morning, five and a half hours. Through sin we have lost the likeness of God, in which we were created by the Creator, and have become strangers to Him, unfree. He Himself deigned to become like us, to become human, without ceasing to be God, in order to make us like Him; born from the Mother, the Pure Virgin without seed, from the Holy Spirit. Oh, miracle of miracles! September 10. I notice that when my stomach gets stronger, then there is severe pain in the reproductive organ from the gland, excrement presses on it and it aches a lot; when the stomach resolves, then the pain goes away. God bless! That's how it was today. September 17. Holy martyrs Sophia and her daughters Faith, Hope and Love. What lesson do the saints and martyrs celebrated today teach us? The lesson is that for all people who inherited sin from their forefathers and lost holiness and the Kingdom of God through sin, the path to holiness and the eternal Kingdom is narrow, full of sorrows, suffering, deprivation, illness, the path of martyrdom, for this is what the truth of God demands, torturing 144 from us repentance, faith, humility, patience, obedience to the truth of God, which we rejected, giving in to all sorts of untruths. The path to the Kingdom and eternal life is the path of the Cross, shown to us by the Savior, our God, who suffered for us. So, all who bear the names of Sophia, Faith, Hope and Love, all female and male sexes - do not forget that you must achieve the Kingdom of God through faith, repentance, patience, obedience, abstinence, spiritual and physical labor. [The Lord] severely punished and is still punishing Catholics for deliberately falsely interpreting the words of Christ to the Apostle Peter: on this rock I will build My Church, and the gates of hell will not prevail against it [Matthew 16:18]. Considering the pope, and not Christ, to be the cornerstone of the Church and imagining themselves as the head of the Church and the vicars of Christ on earth, the popes fell into the most gross, disastrous mistakes and dragged the entire Catholic world into the abyss of lies, inventing new, false dogmas and distorting the ancient ones necessary for salvation. Catholics fell from the rock of faith, Christ, and fell into the abyss of sins and all sorts of passions, especially into pride and arrogance, into a terrible hostility towards the Eastern true Church and its dogmas and worship with its rituals, established from time immemorial. Catholics hate the Orthodox Church and Orthodox Christians with diabolical hatred and call them all sorts of blasphemous names; through this they blaspheme Christ Himself, the Head of the Church, the holy apostles, the Ecumenical and Local Councils and all the saints of the Orthodox Church glorified by God. Or recognize the tree as good and its fruit as good; or recognize the tree as bad and its fruit as bad, for a tree is known by its fruit... Do they gather grapes from thorns, or figs from thistles? [Matthew 12:33, 7:16] - The Catholic Church has not had a single saint since its separation from the Eastern Church - but the Orthodox Church has always had and has many saints glorified by God in it. Where is the apple, the core of discord and hatred of the Catholic Church towards the Orthodox? In the too exaggerated opinion of the popes about themselves, about the advantage over the bishops of the Eastern Orthodox [hierarchs], in their immense pride, in the false interpretation of the words of the Lord spoken to the Apostle Peter: You are Peter, and on this stone. .. [Matthew 16:18]. The stone is Christ, not Peter, who denied three times, although he atoned for his rejection with tears of repentance and was accepted as an apostle. Compare, Catholics, these words of the Lord to Peter with the words spoken by the Savior to the Pharisees: destroy this church (His body) and in three days I will raise it up. He spoke about the church of His body [John 2:21]; so there He spoke about the Universal Church and together about the rising of His body, that is, the resurrection. The idea that the Lord supposedly created the Church on Peter, and not on Himself - this idea, which lay in the heads of the popes and Catholics and was interpreted by them in favor of the successors of Peter, the popes as the heads of the Church and the vicars of Christ - put everything upside down in the Catholic Church: they, in their opinion, are the vicars of Christ with unlimited power and dominance over the entire Church of Christ; as if they were the judges of all bishops; they are the founders and interpreters of dogmas; They can supposedly change the very Sacraments in the Church at their own discretion; they canonize saints they do not have; they deprive the laity of the Blood of Christ; they pour water on babies being baptized, rather than immersing them in water, etc. Colony Shabo, Akkerman district 145, send three hundred rubles to Lieutenant Colonel Nikolai Evgenievich Andreyanov. September 20. Natalya Yakovlevna Grot. Znamenskaya street, building 17, apt. 4. October 1st. September 24. I thank the Lord for the daily renewal of my entire being through daily communion of the Divine Mysteries of His Most Holy Body and Blood, for the gift of peace of mind and victory over all passions. I thank the Lord for the curdled milk, which brings me great relief in my illness. Lord, I thank You that You have honored me to be a member of Your Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church, and its priest, and a celebrant of the Holy Sacraments, and a communicant. September 25. The Tolstoyan deacon who baptized the infants Nicholas and Mary. The freedom of all press has made the Holy Scriptures, liturgical books and patristic writings neglected, and almost only secular books and newspapers are read; as a result, faith and piety fall; the liberalizing government learned from Leo Tolstoy all unbelief and blasphemy and condones the press, which stinks of all the vileness of passions; everyone will give an answer to God - all the tricks. September 28. How many times do I sin daily with irritation, pride, partiality, contempt, envy, coldness and indifference to the sorrows, illnesses and poverty of loved ones and, having repented, I receive forgiveness from the merciful Master and Lover of Mankind. Thank the Lord! Do not, Lord, leave me to perish in sins. When I'm sick, I get irritated especially often. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord, towards me, a sinner. Amen. Bulgaria was proclaimed the Kingdom of Bulgaria 146. Good. Fair. One o'clock in the morning on September 28th. Sunday. Now, due to my sins, I suffered violence in a dream from an evil spirit for drinking a large excess of Caucasian water (Prince of Oldenburg), a demon attacked me in the form of a young man of seventeen years old and began to extort money from me by force - but I persisted, and when he forcefully pressed me, I began to bite his hands, and he fell behind, and then attacked again with redoubled force. I started screaming and woke up. I drank the water at the wrong time - it was half past midnight, and I sinned before God. September 28. Peasant Damian Anton. [...] asks for prayers. On September 29th. Again in the night, at about twelve o'clock, in a dream there was a meeting with an evil spirit in the form of a [beggar] boy; My soul froze, my soul was paralyzed at these moments, frozen; the demon's face was half-closed, I told him: open your face - he opened it halfway and moved his pupils; I couldn’t move, and I fell to the ground at the beginning of Andreevskaya Street. Got it. And then on the porch of the cathedral, two strangers confused me. I asked them: who is the next one in the yard? They lied; one said that Anthony was [the next], but we don’t have that. When I left them, walking alone, I spoke about someone, cursing: satiated. And this is me, satiated with the Holy Mysteries and milk. Sinful. Sick priest you. Iv. Skvortsov. His mother is Maria Nikolaevna, he serves on September 30th. Lord, I thank You for all kinds of untold generosity, of which there is no number. September 30. Night. I sinned before the Lord, became faint-hearted, grumbled, spoke crazy words about God, the Mother of God and the saints, when the gland in my penis became extremely, unbearably sore, ached, and inflamed because I ate steamed beets with liquid mustard at night and ate salted cod fish soup. It was hard for me as never before, and I grumbled greatly that God Himself had abandoned me, God who is love and mercy; The Mother of God has left, all the saints - no one seems to sympathize, has compassion, does not hear, does not have mercy. Then he repented from the soul and heartily, with faith and tenderness, he raised his heart’s eyes to God and the Mother of God and immediately felt relief. I thank the Lord and the Mother of God. Oh, how severe the pain is in the reproductive organ - this gland, this boil. Deliver him from him, Lord. October 2. Woe to me from yogurt milk, I was completely tormented on the night of October 2. I couldn't get warm. How much I, damned one, allowed myself to indulge in excess in the use of curdled milk - there is no number, but everything is harmful to myself. October 1st. In heaven they understand and accept only the sincere language of the heart of a believer, praying, repentant, merciful and compassionate towards others, pure and chaste; The Lord turns away His face from the evil heart. What brings us closer to God or what makes us peculiar, dear to God, His children? The living image of God, implanted or innate in our soul, the union of faith into which we entered with God at baptism, being born by water and the Spirit and adopted by God, is an obligation on both sides: on the part of the Lord - to have mercy on us and to educate us spiritually for the Kingdom of Heaven, for eternal life in God, on our part - the desire and effort to love God, who loved us immeasurably, to please Him by fulfilling His commandments and to live holy, removing sins and bringing repentance to Him. This is what makes us close to God, His close children. And every now and then sin intensifies to alienate us from God, to remove us, to cool us towards Him, to make us wild, like animals and beasts. An ox knows its owner and a donkey its master's manger, but a man often does not know his Lord [Isa.1:3]. October 3. Friday. After sleep until lunch. I was extremely chilled: the stove was not lit; Evgenia was snubbed, scolded, and extremely angry with her for her faults; I almost hit him with my hand. I repent, I grieve, there are no tears yet. I am writing this before the Lord as a testimony of my repentance. Forgive, Lord, correct, do not judge, teach me goodness, kindness and meekness. October 3. Do not grieve inconsolably about the misfortune of the fatherland, about the lost wars (with Japan), about the attack on us by Austria, Germany, England, Finland, Poland (even though these two are parts of Russia), Italy; about the loss of warships (“Oleg” at the beginning of October of this year, deliberately pushed onto the stones by Girs 147, about the enormous losses of the state from arson (various factories). Sorrow that you are making poor progress towards the incorruptible, eternal fatherland, prepared in heaven, that your heart is far from God. The earthly fatherland suffers for the sins of the king and the people, for lack of faith and short-sightedness Tsar, for his connivance with the unbelief and blasphemy of Leo Tolstoy and the entire so-called educated world of ministers, officials, officers, and student youth. Pray to God with bloody tears for the general unbelief and corruption of Russia. I am constantly amazed by God's all-good, all-wise structure of salvation for the human soul, created in the image and likeness of the all-good, all-wise, eternal God, from the very beginning of the human race, until now and until the end of the age. Listen and delve into what God has done and is doing for this great humane work: from the very beginning of the fall of the first people into sin, curse and death, from the first removal of them from Him and the greatest disasters, how much concern for salvation, what a glorious promise about the seed of the woman who has to erase the head of the serpent [Gen. 3:15]! How much care there is for the chosen seed: Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, Noah, for all the patriarchs of the chosen people, as well as for the people themselves! How many wonderful industries, how many miracles during the exodus from Egypt, how many miracles in the desert, under the judges, under the kings of the chosen people! How many paternal punishments from the Lord God of a stubborn, criminal people, how many terrible captivities, how many deaths of those guilty before God! And what kind of scourges of God served various idolatrous peoples to punish the Jews, who themselves were later crushed by the righteous judgment of God! And in the New Testament? The appearance of Archangel Zechariah, the birth of the Forerunner, the Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin, the birth of the Savior of the world. Lord, by faith I pray to You, Omnipotent, raise the water in the Pinega River and safely carry the steamship “St. Nicholas the Wonderworker” to the village of Sura. Amen. It will be said. Mikhail Al-ch! I am dealing only with the Countess: please leave here in the kitchen. Remember him, a flatterer and a tall scoundrel, [...] and direct him to your business, your family. If you want to talk to me, come separately. (Mich.). October 7. It's three o'clock at night. The instructiveness of dreams. I saw Pyotr Nikolaevich Yanish 148, the former director of the Kronstadt gymnasium, not for the first time; I saw him in some institution, like a gymnasium, walking with some governor. The governor did not greet me, but rudely informed him that I was the caretaker of this establishment (he lied). The director invited some teacher who was with me to tea, but I did not. I felt bad. This is a lesson for me. I did not remember Pyotr Nikolaevich and have not yet remembered him at the proskomedia. Negligently, callously and did not remember many; so he didn’t remember Fyodor Nadezhdin 149. I sinned. October 7. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who sent rain to the earth; and I asked Him with faith in secret prayer to fill the Pinega River with water for the unhindered movement of the steamship “St. Nicholas the Wonderworker” to Sura with the abbess and the St. John’s sisters. Lord, remove Metropolitan Anthony 150, J. Janitsheva 151, and other unfaithful people! Send us strong in faith and piety. Wake up! [...in Latin letters someone's abbreviated name - Ed.] take it. Even before his death, Leo Tolstoy, out of his incomprehensible and stubborn pride, occupied himself with fables about some simple-hearted shepherdess (and Tolstoy has no simplicity at all), who would really like to wash God’s feet, etc.; and Moses the prophet, having allegedly learned about this, threatened him: why are you representing God as a man and asking Him for something that He does not need - and from that time on, the shepherd became angry with God and did not ask Him for anything. God allegedly reprimanded Moses: why did he drive this simple man away from Him, from the Lord? And I, says Tolstoy, want to be like this shepherd boy, and not through anyone, but personally, I want to please Him as best I can 152! What an idyll! What nonsense in old age! What satanic pride! I do not want to know the Son of God, through whom alone one can come to God; I don’t want the Trinity, I don’t want the Church. What ignorance, savagery! Lord, forgive my anger towards my servant Evgenia. I have upset you and saddened the Holy Spirit. I repent. Spawn of vipers! Who told you all to flee from the wrath to come? Produce fruits worthy of repentance... Even the ax lies at the root of the tree... He has the spade in His hand; He will consume His threshing floor, and He will gather the wheat into His granary, and He will burn the chaff with unquenchable fire [Matthew 3:7-12]. Pay attention to the sermon of the Forerunner - how formidable and all-true it is! How instructive! Tremble, my soul, of the terrible Judgment of the Lord... I tremble of the terrible Day of Judgment. But hoping... Have mercy on me... 153 Notice, this is the main core of the whole preaching of repentance by John the Baptist... Repent immediately, do the work of repentance. I thank the Lord, who soon heard my secret prayer for reconciliation with Joseph Babenko 154 and immediately brought him to my feet with humility and tenderness. October 8. With all my heart I forgive Joseph Babenko for his rudeness and unnecessary reproaches to me in his letter. I only took him out of my living room because his arrival was at the wrong time. I sent him a hundred rubles, and he did not say a single word and said rude things. I forgive him. In a dream I saw Metropolitan Isidore in a caricatured, ugly, inauthentic, rude, mocking, mocking form - fat as a barrel. This is how the devil portrays him. Why do I see him and not the other one often? Remember him, Lord, in Your Kingdom. I served under him for a long time and was not without distinction. Although I haven’t heard a single kind word from him. The king was in the form of Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon: he was affectionate with women, but terribly rude with men. Remember not, Lord, his sins. And he was the first member of the Synod. Pobedonostsev 155, and not he, the Metropolitan, ruled. October 10. Lord, bring reason to the students, bring reason to the authorities; give them Your righteousness and Your strength, Your might. Lord, may the sleeping king, who has ceased to exercise his power, arise; give him courage, wisdom, foresight. Lord, the world is in turmoil; The devil triumphs, but truth is desecrated. Arise, Lord, to help the Holy Church. Amen. God! Look in Thy truth and Thy mercy at Thy creatures Ivan Adamovich and his wife Mary - the offended one, and protect her from her husband’s malice and change his evil heart to good: All things are possible for You. How long will this servant devoted to You and her son, communicants of Your Holy Mysteries, be in extreme persecution? Behold, I appeal to You - save them. By the grace of God, protect the offended and bring reason to the offender. We have a lot of forest in the Vaulovsky monastery, there’s nowhere to put it. Use it for the glory of God and for the benefit of the Ivanovo monastery - to arrange carpentry and other sawing works in the monastery; make tables, chairs, boxes, cups, spoons, crosses - in general, useful things in the hostel - baskets from splinters and other things; buy all the tools, hire a master; purchase all kinds of drawings of things produced externally (handicrafts). Tell the abbess about this. There are many rooms in the monastery - enough for everything. October 10, 1908. Maria, Serafima, Natalya Bondareva, S.P.B., Vasilyevsky Island, 18th line, building No. 7, apt. 20. Abbess Virovskaya Susanna. Send. I ate pressed caviar with the official Preobrazhensky, drank red wine, and I felt strong, and my gland tormented me extremely all evening and all night. And October 1908. Lord! I sinned before You by receiving communion a second time at home (after a church service) with three particles left over from the communion in my house. – While sleeping at home after mass, I saw an extremely unpleasant dream, presented to me by the devil, regarding my mother, long deceased, as if she came to me alive in an abnormal form. Lord, have mercy on my mother, Theodora. As if some peasant had offended her on the way. You need to pay special attention to some of the Savior’s words, for example, to the words: if they do this to a green tree [...], then what will happen to a dry one? [Luke 23:31]. And these dry trees - we are sinners. Or: when I am lifted up from the earth (to the Cross), I will draw everyone to Me... if a grain of wheat, falling into the ground, does not die, then only one will remain; and if he dies, he will bear much fruit (ear of corn) [John 12:32,24]. Wisdom was justified from all her children (righteous people) [Luke 7:35]. October 12. Sunday night. Who is worthy of the Kingdom of Heaven among people? One who tries with all his might to become like the fallen in holiness, goodness, mercy, like God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, who tries to become like the saints in repentance, prayer, abstinence, patience, meekness, quietness, obedience, humility, unfeigned love, and we are all prone to partiality, especially I, who am multi-passionate. In heaven there is only a place for holiness, love, like-mindedness, one will, holy and immaculate. The kingdom of God is not food and drink, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit [Rom.14:17]. God! I constantly sin before You and before people by the lack of living and active love, self-love, voluptuousness, ill-will, envy, pride, partiality, hard-heartedness, stinginess, greed, impatience, murmuring, laziness, lack of faith, sometimes doubt, disobedience, contempt, lustful thoughts and carnal movements. The old man still lives and reigns in me, and I, indecent, am Your servant, worthy of all condemnation. Christ raised Lazarus from the dead with a word - this means that He is the Creator of Lazarus, the Creator of the human race; He raised up the widow's son with a word - which means that with the same word He created the world from nothingness. He forbade the winds and waters with a word - which means He created them with His word, to which everything obeys; He walked on the waves of the sea as if on dry land - which means He is the Creator of the seas, lakes, and rivers, and all kinds of sources; He transformed fire into dew, water into wine, rivers into blood, the dust of the earth into midges, brought toads out of the sea to punish the Egyptians - which means He is the Creator of the elements in one word. With the same word, in the last times, the earth will turn into a huge blazing fire and the elements, burned, will be ruined. This means that by the same word of the Lord the dead will all be resurrected. He turned fire into dew for the three youths, Ananias, Azariah and Mishael, with one command - which means that with one command He created fire, water and all the elements. Do atheists understand this wonderful creativity and providence of the Lord for the world? Lord, save Your servant Agathia, struck down by a passion for drunkenness. Remember, Lord, the servants Konstantin [...] with his wife, children and grandchildren, and Your servant Vasily Pavlovich Krutov with his wife and children, remember everyone who requires Your love for mankind and help, the whole Church, all Your people. Amen. October 12, 1908. Sunday. October 13. Curdled milk causes painful shooting in the organ. Leave it and don't eat it. Lord, protect and keep Bishop Hermogenes in Saratov 156 and may the wicked not prevail over him. Amen. The Lord God is a beginningless, eternal being of infinite holiness, truth, goodness and mercy; unimaginable, immeasurable lightness, for there is the Ever-Essential Light, from Whom are all the second countless lights - Angelic councils, from Whom is the light of the sun, moon and stars, from Whom are thunder and lightning, rain, snow, hail, earth, air, waters, mountains and hills and all valleys, all animal kingdoms, living and organic, all vegetation, all metals, precious stones and minerals and every grain of sand in the world. God is a being of infinite, most solid order, unspeakable beauty, eternal, unshakable peace. As the Holy One and having created us in the image of His holiness, He requires of us holiness [Lev.11:44] and complete turning away from all sin, which is darkness, confusion, ugliness, lawlessness and withdrawal from life and the fall into damnation and death. Judge for yourself, sinful people, fallen, darkened, mortals - what should you do urgently? – Continuously repent, pray, correct yourself, do good deeds and become like God. The Christian faith, Christianity, is the restoration by God, according to His immeasurable goodness, of the image of God - in man fallen, defiled, corrupted, darkened; reconciliation of the Creator with the ungrateful, disobedient, proud creature; permission from righteous curse and bestowal of blessing; the opening of the heaven closed for us (from now on you will see the sky open [John 1:51]) and the victory over death and the abolition of it, as well as the devil, its culprit, introduction to paradise and the granting of eternal life; and also, first of all, a person’s perception of lost righteousness and the deification of a person. How many, how countless blessings are given by God in the Christian faith to the believing person, obedient to the Gospel and commandments of Christ! Why bother, Christians? Why are you sleeping? Rise up, stay awake, pray, repent, reform, do good deeds, ascend to heaven. October 16, one o'clock in the morning. A drachma lost by a woman who had ten drachmas [Luke 15:8–10]. October 16. Eight o'clock in the evening. Lord, I thank You for your speedy, life-giving mercy on me, Your sinful and wretched servant. When I came to the cathedral today for Matins and an outsider deacon, Theodore, who serves at the Church of the Insane, 157 approached me, asking me to help financially the girl Natalya, his sister-in-law, who lives with him, I first refused him with grief, and then gave him seven and a half rubles, also with grief, unkindly and with hostility towards him, the deacon; but then, feeling sorrow, and oppression, and the wrath of God against me, I deeply repented and received clear forgiveness, peace, tranquility of conscience, spaciousness of heart and boldness. He performed the proskomedia calmly and the liturgy too, although he was very weak. God bless! Because of yogurt, the gland suffers greatly, and so do I. Why did I eat it? - Stop it. Polycarp Mikhailov, deceased - to remember, his wife is alive, Alexandra, son Eustathius, October 17. Mentally suicidal patient, [...] Konstantin Apollonovich, wife Lidiya Nikolaevna. Dmitry Nikolaevich [...], wife Olga Vasilievna, daughter Nadezhda and son Georgy. October 17. October 18. Evening, seven o'clock. I thank the Lord, who has now accepted my secret repentance of irritation with my servant Evgenia. Having been deprived of grace, peace, and space, and the boldness of my heart, I turned with ordinary hope to God, my Savior, asking sincerely and tenderly for forgiveness for the fact that, because of vanity, I became like an evil enemy, and did not remain faithful to the good, meek and kind God; received forgiveness and peace with boldness, and joy of heart with ease. God bless! October 24. Thursday. I sinned before the Lord and before people that in unrighteous anger I hit God’s servant Nadezhda on the cheek, with whom I had previously traveled from house to house in St. Petersburg to pray. She brought to me for [communion] the mentally ill wife of the caretaker of the former real school, Varvara, who likes to talk a lot. October 19. I thank You, Lord, who deigned to see me on my birthday and baptism and my namesake; By Your mercy I am celebrating the eightieth year of my life. Unspeakable mercy. Because of my sins, I was not worthy to see even the fortieth year of my life, but here I am in my eightieth year. Oh, the countless bounties of my Lord! What will I bring or what will I reward to You, My Creator, my Savior, my Provider, my Physician, my Glory, my Strength! But grant me a good end, Lord, and do not disgrace me! Friend! How did you come here not wearing wedding clothes? He was silent. Then the king said to the servants: Having tied his hands and feet, take him and throw him into outer darkness; there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth; for many are called, but few are chosen [Matthew 22:12–14]. Christ God, our Giver of Life, likened Himself to a holy, beautiful, luminous, eternal bridegroom, who deigned to be betrothed with an eternal, incorruptible, vital betrothal in a future non-finite life and in this here, earthly one, offering Himself to a faithful soul. In order to become engaged to faithful souls, but who had defiled the robe of their souls with countless sins, who had distorted the image of God and who had moved away from God, who had become strangers to Him through sins, the Lord gave them beautiful, incorruptible spiritual clothing in the Sacrament of Baptism and in sealing with the Holy Spirit through the anointing with holy myrrh. But man again desecrated the robe of Baptism, and again withdrew from God, and dressed himself in the stinking rags of passions, breaking and dishonoring his betrothal to God. The Lord, in His mercy, deigned to give him the wedding robe again in sincere repentance and in communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, and the person again receives the wedding robe and is united in the closest way with the Heavenly Bridegroom in order to be careful in every possible way and again not to pollute the wedding robe and live in holiness. Who are these souls betrothed to Christ, the Heavenly Bridegroom? Where are they? – These souls are you, brothers and sisters. [The question is asked]: Is your wedding garment clean and adorned? Have you adorned your souls with good deeds - simplicity, meekness, goodness, humility, mercy, unforgettable malice, patience, self-control, holiness and chastity? What will you bring to the wedding supper, to the Kingdom of Heaven? Are you constantly preparing for where the beautiful Bridegroom, the King of the Angels and all the saints, awaits us? Get ready immediately: time flows and brings you closer to the end of your life, and then you will have to make a reckoning with the righteous Householder for your entire life. To her, I say, let us [all] prepare to acquire the robe of the soul, pure, holy, pleasing to the Heavenly Bridegroom. Amen. October 19. October 19. Evening. Eight o'clock. He will not break a bruised reed, nor will he quench the smoking flax (a man who ardently repents) [Matthew 12:20]. This always comes true for me and has always come true. Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord, towards me, a sinner. A wonderful property of God, the most attractive. October 23. I saw in a dream before the morning two live pigs, covered with dough, as they do before Easter, on Good Friday or Saturday. These pigs are you, glutton. On the night of October 25 (from Friday to Saturday.) Before the morning, at about three o'clock, I saw the late Emperor Alexander III praying in my bedroom, praying earnestly. I am lying down on a chair, and he is standing and praying; someone from the royal family knocked hard on the door - and he came out. I saw the baby heir in several acts, very affectionate, - I saw a solemn procession of some kind of royal wedding [I decided, real], a mixture of everything - both great and funny. October 25. The reverent celebration of the liturgy is the sure guarantee of your salvation, O priest, for it is an all-giving service to God, all-propitiatory and all-purifying. Behold, the Church, heavenly and earthly, is praying with you and for you. The Divine Liturgy instills in us the greatest hope - hope for pardon and salvation. Bride Vlad. (attributed above by Mikhail - Ed.) Murash. – Evgenia Leonidovna Burkova. Wedding in Warsaw in the church of the women's gymnasium (Avg Antonovich and Stefany Kospi were invited). At Your feet, Lord, I lie in tears of repentance with all the weeping saints, prophets, apostles, holy martyrs, saints, pillars, unmercenaries and all the righteous - and I ask You for mercy through their prayers, and the salvation of the soul, and the Kingdom of Heaven, although I am unworthy of it because of my sins. I bring to Your intercession Your Most Pure Mother, the councils of Angels and all rational creation - have mercy and save me, a sinner, according to Your grace and mercy. Hey, Amen. Save my wife, and all my spiritual children, all my spiritual brethren, all the priesthood and all the pious laity. Today, October 26, a fair amount of snow fell in the evening with a north wind, so that the roofs and roads and streets turned white. Thank God for the snow, for the frost, for the warmth and cold. October 28. Tuesday. What is the waywardness and malice of my old man! - to my own surprise. During early mass, they sang the Cherubic Song in an excellent melody, harmonious, gentle, sensitive - and so what? My old scoundrel didn’t like it - why the same tune several times in a row! It is necessary to diversify - and hostility towards the regent, and the singers, and the melody began! But I barely persuaded myself, humbled myself, imagined that the singing was harmonious, sensitive, and, moreover, not repeated very often! But there is a lot of singing on one tune of irmos, dogmatists, troparia, kontakions - and [does not] get boring, but, on the contrary, delights the heart and ear! Damned, old, stupid man! Scoundrel! You're a crafty one! Remember, Lord, the extravagant Olga, seventeen years old, in love with a forty-year-old Jew, a family man, a newspaperman; [Valley] remember, Lord, [sick]. October 28. Five o'clock in the morning. Take the translation from Nifont Ivanovsky and send it to Alexander, deacon (Ivanovsky). Bashmakova wants to live at my expense by giving me useless mines in Siberia. You're deceiving me, old man. And how cunning you are, woman! He wants to impose his belongings on me and rob me. [...]. November 27. I thank the Lord with all my heart for quickly delivering me in the secret of my heart from the fierce devilish misfortune that befell me because of the evil whim of my heart against Vera (Pertsova), Maria and also Natalya, who came to the forefront in the church. As soon as through prayer and humility I got rid of the enemy’s anger, which gripped my heart and drowned me. Oh, how glad I was about my salvation from the Lord! Glory to You! October 26. The King of Heaven, we say, because He reigns completely in all the angelic powers that obey Him completely and continually; but on earth He reigns only in a chosen few: there is a lot of sin on earth, and He does not live in sinful people. His Excellency Vladimir Karlovich Sabler. S.P.B. Zhukovsky St., 24 No. house, money has been sent. Bashmakova 158's mining establishment stood idle for several years, and she cannot take rent from me, because there was no work in my favor at the site. Meanwhile, I paid rent 100 rubles in September, for what? – Due to illness, I cannot accept her gift, and most importantly, due to lack of funds. Need money and money. Lord, destroy the treacherous business of Irina Bashmakova and remove her from me forever to her place from where she came. She is insidious, malicious; I should not have her as my spiritual daughter and commune her with the Holy Mysteries. This is Judas. Now, know the people in business. A new living ear from the spiritual field of John of Kronstadt. (Title of the new booklet 159.) 28. Tuesday. Remember Your creation Alexy (Poldnev), the drunkard, and deliver him from the claws of ethereal enemies, I pray to You and for his wife through me. Amen. (Sister of Vasily Pavlovich Krutov.) Lord, show me where my speech to the Holy Synod lies. Wake up! November 1st. Unleavened milk is bad for me, it irritates the gland very much. - Lord, have mercy! Untimely in the evening I ate the filling of the pie with milk and burdened myself, senseless and passionate. Through sin, man became divided and fell away from God. You cannot serve God and mammon [Matthew 6:24]. Solid psychological truth. November 11. Tuesday. Today, during the early liturgy, at its most important moments, I found myself in terrible spiritual trouble and was almost swallowed up by a spiritual whale, the devil, having secretly taken unrighteous hostility towards the singers because they sang protractedly (slowly). The enemy confused and squeezed my soul so much that I was as if I was dead, but immediately I secretly repented with all my soul, sincerely condemning myself, and acquitting the singers, because they sang very harmoniously and inspiringly. God had mercy on me. The communication of the Catholic Church with the Heavenly Church is completely pitiful, cold, brief, lifeless, not like in the Orthodox Church - living, wise, complete, all-sincere, all-reverent. Everywhere and everywhere dad and dad; he is given honor everywhere, and not the saints; The saints of the East and West are diminished, hidden, placed in obscurity and are only sometimes shown to believers, especially tourists, for show. And the dismissals of the liturgical services in the Catholic Church are so careless, cold: ite missa est' - go, mass is over. And in the Orthodox Church we have such reverent, modest, full of [Christian] hope: Christ, our true God, through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother and all the saints, will have mercy and save us, for He is good and a lover of mankind. The Pope controls the fate of the heavenly and earthly Church, disposes of the merits of the saints at will: he brings them into purgatory and takes them out at will, indulges (distributes indulgences to believers). It would just be ridiculous if it weren't extremely sad and harmful. And how do the popes, cardinals, primates, prelates, priests, and Jesuits themselves not notice this? After all, the Catholic faith [is] at stake, so to speak. Everything is sold; The pope took everything into his power, the entire salvation of Catholics. And that is why Catholics now have no, no glorified saints; there are only [fabricated] ones, made according to papal arbitrariness. And the Orthodox Church, like the Garden of Eden, blooms with saints; here is a new saint - Joasaph Gorlenko, Archbishop of Belgorod 160, how many miracles he performed, but he has not yet been canonized. So many are ready to open! O Orthodox Church! How vital, how holy, how venerable you are! How beloved of all true Orthodox Christians. [Look] in the Apocalypse of John the Theologian, about which Church is it said: the imam will vomit you out of my mouth [Rev. 3:16]? I'm thinking about Catholic and Reformed. Look what the popes have made of the Orthodox faith of Christ? What nonsense? Who's dad? An idol, not Christ, the ministers told him publicly: You are the vicar of Christ. God! The enemy has besieged me 161 through the forefather of the prophet and king and God-father David - deliver me from his barking 162 and [grant] to love his psalms always. Where will our bosses and professors of academies, universities and all higher, middle and lower institutions with their students be at the Last Judgment? – According to the dignity of his spirit or unworthiness, everyone will receive his own. But to the Sodomites and Gomorrites, the Tirians and Sidonians, the Ninevites [Matthew 11:20–24, 41] and so on. It will be more gratifying than for Christians who belonged to the Church of Christ, who had the Gospel, divine services, and the Sacraments and neglected all this. We must pay special attention to what we hear, lest we fall away [Heb.2:1]. What? Is it creepy, gentlemen? Hurry up, everyone, the Judgment is approaching. If anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he is not His [Rom.8:9]. Think deeply about these words and keep them in your heart and implement them with your life. How many will it be necessary to say that this one is not His, and these are not His, but someone else’s? - Hoodies, or heretics, or such and such a notebook gambler, and this billiard player, and this lover of horse lists, and this one is a low slave of Maria, or Varenka, or Olenka, and this one is a slave and admirer of his master or a rich ace, who has no concept of true mercy, without which all life is nothing. For sincere alms alone can save our souls. Georgy [Kosov] and Maria [...], Antonin's children, Theodore and Sergius, Dimitri, 28 years old, went to the Caucasus for treatment. August 4, 1908 Son-in-law Le Havre. Grigor. Belugin, Lyubov Egor, in [Repino/Remno], daughter of Kosov from Astrakhan. Guide the Kosovo family on the path of peace, Lord, - You do not want the sinner to die, but to be converted and live. Amen. The Zaitsevs indicated my location to Kosova. Elisaveta Milovidova - aunt [Yakim...] broke her leg. Can't walk. September 4. God! Remember in Your Kingdom the suicide Marina, born of an officer with an alcoholic father (née Ustryanova). Her mother Olga and her husband Vladimir asked. Heal, Lord, God's servant Olga, who is seriously ill. The village of Sura, Arkhangelsk province, where Father John of Kronstadt was from. Contempt (church glory) – pride, arrogance, disrespect. Crossed - converted to Christianity from another religion; most often used in relation to baptized Jews. Rebirth (church glory) - rebirth, renewed life. Ouds (Church Slavic) – members of the body. Tabernacle - tent, tent, hut. Kindness (church glory) – beauty, splendor, greatness. Prelest (church glory) – deception, seduction; wandering, evasion. Belial (Heb.) – lit.: insignificant, worthless. In the Bible, this word is applied to all depraved, wicked and evil people, but especially to Satan, as the main culprit of all wickedness and evil. Tune (Church Slavic) – here in the meaning “for free”. General Troparion to the Saints, tone 8. Isidore (Nikolsky; 1799–1892) – Metropolitan of Novgorod, St. Petersburg and Finland from 1860 to 1892. Vtune, tune (Church Glav.) - meaning “in vain, in vain.” From 1887 to 1892, the rector of the St. Petersburg Theological Academy was Bishop Anthony of Vyborg (Vadkovsky; 1846–1912), later Metropolitan of St. Petersburg and Ladoga. From 1891 to 1894, the rector of the St. Petersburg Theological Seminary was Archimandrite Anthony (Khrapovitsky; 1863–1936), later Metropolitan of Kiev and Galicia; since 1920 he headed the Russian Orthodox Church abroad. Complete (church glory) – strengthen; complete, complete, make perfect. Heating (Church Slavic) – shipwreck, drowning. Ridiculous (church glory) – unworthy, ugly. Repression (Church Glav.) – anger, threat, execution. Metropolitan of Moscow and Kolomna Philaret (Drozdov; 1782–1867), saint, famous spiritual writer and theologian. “Letters of Philaret, Metropolitan of Moscow and Kolomna, to the highest persons and various other persons” were first published in 1888. Evil (Church Slavic) – bad, low; deceitful, treacherous. Adamant (obsolete) – diamond. Contempt (zazrenie) (obsolete) – embarrassment, shame (in modern phraseology “without a twinge of conscience”). Ezheniti (Church Glav.) – expel. Simple (Church Slavic) – whole, indivisible into parts; open, direct, pure, sincere. The Russian-Turkish War of 1877–1878, which ended with the signing of the Berlin Treaty. Emperor Alexander II (1818–1881) died as a result of a bomb explosion thrown by Narodnaya Volya member Ignatius Grinevitsky. Donat (Babinsky-Sokolov; 1828–1896), from December 13, 1890 to April 30, 1894, Archbishop of Lithuania and Vilna. Tatba (Church Slavic) – theft. Lepota (Church Glav.) – beauty. Planter (Church Slavic) – gardener. Obsequious (church-glorified) – subject to the same passions as all other people. Scab - purulent scabs on the skin, scabies. Nazirati (Church Glav.) – here in the meaning of “to look into.” Vladimir Sergeevich Solovyov (1853–1900) was a Russian religious mystic philosopher, theologian, publicist and symbolist poet who sought to combine philosophy with religious revelation. Predniy (Church Slavic) – the first. Influenza (obsolete) – flu. This truth was set forth by the apostolic men and confirmed by all subsequent fathers of the Church. One of the first to express it was the Hieromartyr Ignatius the God-Bearer († 107) in his letter to the Smyrnae: “Without a bishop there is no Church: where there is a bishop, there must be a people, just as where Jesus Christ is, there is a conciliar Church.” Troparion of the second song of the Great Penitential Canon of St. Andrew of Crete, read on Monday of the first week of Great Lent. Percy (Church Glav.) – chest. Verbal (church glory) – spiritual; understood in a figurative, spiritual sense. Dream (Church Glav.) – an empty appearance, a ghost, seduction. Synclite (Greek) – the highest spiritual or secular government. Face (Church Glorious) – assembly, host. Kvass (Church Slavic) – leaven. Whole (holistic) (church-glory) – healthy; simple, pure, immaculate. Condition (Church Slavic) – stability, stable position; totality. Prisny (Church Slavic) – close. Honestly (church glory) - with respect. To her (church glory) - yes, yes, truly. Saint Theophan (Govorov; 1815–1894), recluse Vyshensky, theologian and spiritual writer. That is, always, constantly victorious. Hell (Church Slavic) – lower, very low, underground. Prayer of the third antiphon at the liturgy. Hymn at the great entrance of the Liturgy of the Presanctified Gifts. Ancient Patericon. Chapter 10. About prudence, § 12: They spoke about Abba Agathon: some came to him, having heard that he had great prudence. Wanting to test him to see if he will get angry, they ask him: are you Agathon? We have heard about you that you are a fornicator and a proud man. Yes, it’s true,” he answered. They ask him again: are you, Agathon, a slanderer and idle talker? “I,” he answered. And they also say to him: are you, Agathon, a heretic? No, I’m not a heretic,” he answered. Then they asked him: tell us, why did you agree to everything they said to you, but couldn’t bear the last word? He answered them: I admit the first vices in myself, for this recognition is useful to my soul; and recognizing oneself as a heretic means excommunication from God, and I do not want to be excommunicated from my God. Having heard this, they marveled at his prudence and went away, having received edification. Defamation (lat.) – publication in the press of information that disgraces someone. In 1870, the First Vatican Council, convened by Pope Pius IX, adopted the dogma stating that when the pope determines the teaching of the Church concerning faith and morals, proclaiming it as the head of the Church (ex cathedra), he has infallibility (inerrancy) and is protected from the very possibility of error. First antiphon at Matins, tone 4. Dejection (obsolete) – fatigue, exhaustion. Bitterness (Church Glorious) – disaster, misfortune. That is, with desire, with heartfelt desire. Upset (Church Glav.) – expose to bitterness, annoyance, displeasure. Otrevati (Church Glav.) – to reject. First antiphon at Matins, tone 2. Captives (Church Glav.) – chains, shackles, bonds Saint Theophan the Recluse died on January 6, 1894. Archimandrite Arkady (Chestonov; 1825–1907) is the rector of the Vyshenskaya Hermitage, where Saint Theophan spent the last years of his life in seclusion. Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky died on October 25, 1893 in St. Petersburg. His wife is Antonina Milyukova. Volokita (colloquial) – a lover of caring for women. To denigrate (with speeches) – to slander, to denigrate someone, to slander behind the eyes. Harmony (Church Glav.) – structure, order, harmony of all the forces of the soul. The ancient Greek myth of Hercules (or Hercules, as the Romans called him) says that during his journey to Geryon, Hercules installed two steles, one on the southern and the other on the northern shore of the strait separating Europe from Africa. In memory of this, the steles on the shores of the Strait of Gibraltar were called the Pillars of Hercules, or the Pillars of Hercules. The Romans believed that Hercules wrote on the pillars "Nec plus ultra", which means: "There is nowhere further." In 1896, a severe epidemic of bubonic plague broke out in Bombay; The Russian government feared the plague would enter Russia through Afghanistan and Persia. Blissfully (Church Glorious) – tempting. Easter Canon at Matins. Irmos of the 9th song. Theotokos dogmatist, voice 1st. Nalyatsy, have time (Church Slavic) - tense up, hurry up (translation by Prof. P.A. Yungerov). I’m in a hurry (church glory) - I’m in a hurry, I’m trying. Skinny (Church Glav.) – empty, vain, insignificant; skinny, skinny. Porevati (Church Glav.) – push, shove. Apply (Church Glav.) – repeat, do again; add. Buiy (Church Glav.) – crazy. "Kotlin" is a newspaper published daily in Kronstadt from February 1, 1896 to 1917. The steamship “St. Nicholas the Wonderworker” was built by order and at the expense of Father John in 1898 at the shipyard of Goloday Island (now Dekabristov Island) in St. Petersburg. The project was developed by engineers E.E. Gulyaev and V.I. Afanasyev, and the work was supervised by F.R. Ilya. The main purpose of the steamship was to transport Father John to his homeland - to the village of Sura, Arkhangelsk province, so the ship had to be adapted for navigation along shallow and rapids northern rivers. For the last ten years of his life, Father John sailed to his homeland on the St. Nicholas; These trips were essentially missionary: Father John stayed in cities and villages, served liturgies there, preached, and through his prayers miracles of healing the sick were performed. In 1900, Father John handed over the ship to the newly built Sursky convent. There the steamer regularly carried pilgrims, mail and various cargoes, but its main task was still the delivery of the priest to Sura and back. Nazirati (Church Glav.) – to look after, observe. The first steamship called “St. Nicholas the Wonderworker” was built in Finland for Father John’s travels to his homeland - the village of Sura, Arkhangelsk province, but turned out to be unsuitable for sailing along shallow northern rivers. After unsuccessful tests, the ship was sold in Arkhangelsk. Darkness (church glory) – ten thousand. Earth-loving (Church-Glorious) - that is, zealous only about earthly, earthly things. Vegda (Church Glav.) – when. Magnificent (church glory) – majestic, magnificent. Memory of the Holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called. Boiled (Church Glav.) – burned. Compare: ...I will put enmity between you (the serpent) and between the woman, and between your seed and her seed; it will bruise your head and you will bruise its heel (Gen. 3:15). The note is written in the text by Father John. – Ed. Borzoi (Old Russian) – fast, cheerful. Institution (church-glorified) - treat, feast; hospitality (from “establish” – treat, receive a guest.) Cathedral (Church Glorious) – meeting. Ubrus (Church Slavic) – towel. Partes singing is a type of church singing, which is based on a polyphonic choral performance of a composition. Often partes chants do not correspond to church prayer, since they have features of pronounced pomp, pomp and sensuality. In March 1898, the Socialist Revolutionaries planted a bomb of great destructive power at the foot of the Kursk Root Icon of the Mother of God, located in the Znamensky Cathedral of the monastery. It was equipped with a clock mechanism, set so that the explosion would occur during the festive service on the Week of the Worship of the Cross. However, miraculously, the clock mechanism worked very late - on March 8 at two o'clock in the morning, when there was no one in the church. Despite the great destruction in the cathedral itself, the icon remained unharmed. Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian. Nikolai Yakovlevich Asian (1828–1902), from 1875 to 1898 – priest of the Trinity Cemetery Church in Kronstadt, since 1884 confessor of the Peterhof deanery district. Since 1898 - a priest in the village of Pesye, Gdov district, St. Petersburg province. Expend (Church Glav.) – spend, squander, spend. Prayer 2, St. Macarius the Great, from the sequence of morning prayers. The Pukhtitsky Assumption Convent was founded in 1892 with the blessing and assistance of Father John of Kronstadt. Sabler Vladimir Karlovich (1845–1929) – comrade of the chief prosecutor of the Holy Synod from 1892 to 1905, chief prosecutor from 1911 to 1915. The village of Tyulino, Smolensk province. Two thousand rubles (lat.). Elisabeth of Bavaria (1837–1898), Empress of Austria, assassinated on September 10 by anarchist Luigi Lukeni. In Orthodox theology, the meeting of the Divine Persons of the Holy Trinity on the creation of man received the name of the Eternal Council of God. It should be borne in mind that the Slavic word “council” means “expression of will,” and not “conference,” for “conference” in its meaning means the coordination of several wills, whereas in God the will is one. Man is God, and he will make Adam God. Matins of the Feast of the Annunciation. Stichera on “Glory, even now” on praise. Vagina (Church Glav.) – receptacle, bag. A mass stampede on Khodynskoye Field in Moscow occurred on May 18, 1896 during celebrations of the coronation of Nicholas II. As a result, 1,379 people were killed and over 900 were maimed. The reason for the stampede was the excitement of the distribution of free gifts that gripped the crowd of half a million. Justifications (church glory) - laws, regulations, obligations. If the wicked is shown mercy, he will not learn righteousness; he will commit evil in the land of the righteous and will not look upon the greatness of the Lord (Is. 26:10). Vaulovsky Assumption Skete of the St. Petersburg Ioannovsky Convent. Eupraxia (Greek) – my anger (Latin). Abbess Angelina (Sergeeva; 1867–1927), abbess of the St. Petersburg St. John's Convent. Asmodeus is an evil, voluptuous demon, seducer, devil, demon, Satan. In the book of Tobit (3:8–7), Asmodeus kills Sarah's seven husbands one after another out of jealousy. Archbishop Nikon of Kartala and Kakheti (Sofia; 1861–1908), exarch of Georgia, appointed to this see in 1906. On May 28, 1908, he was killed by nationalists in the lobby of the Synodal Office. Ioannikiy (Kazansky), Bishop of Arkhangelsk and Kholmogory from 1901 to 1908. We are talking about the IV All-Russian Missionary Congress, held in Kiev from July 12 to July 26, 1908. The metochion of the Sursky St. John the Theological Convent, built with the personal funds of Father John, was located in Arkhangelsk. Archimandrite Ignatius (Aburrus) was the rector of the Antioch courtyard in Moscow. Miltle is a coarse outer garment made of sheep's wool. Tikhon (Belavin; 1865–1925), saint, occupied the Yaroslavl see from 1907 to 1913. In 1917 he was elected Patriarch of Moscow, an outstanding confessor of the faith during the years of persecution. Canonized as a saint in 1989. Catholic (from the Greek catholic) – ecumenical, conciliar. Seal it (church glory) - seal it. Suvorin Mikhail Alekseevich was the editor of the newspaper “Novoye Vremya”. Present (Church Glav.) – show in advance. Obsequious (church-glory) – equally susceptible to suffering, possessing similar passions. An inversion of the famous Latin expression: “It is enough for him who understands.” Help, O Lord! (lat.). Rufina Grigorievna Shemyakina (nee Tsvetkova; 1870–1928) is the niece of Father John’s wife. Elizaveta Grigorievna Rodionova is the younger sister of Rufina Grigorievna Shemyakina. The fire chief is the head of the fire brigade. Torture (Church Slavic) – meaning to demand, ask back. The German colony of Shabo was located in the Akkerman district of the Bessarabia province. On September 22, 1908, Bulgaria was declared an independent Kingdom in Tarnovo. At the beginning of October 1908, the cruiser "Oleg", under the command of Captain 1st Rank A.K. Girs, ran aground at the Steinort lighthouse near Libau. But already on October 4, the ship, with the help of the icebreaker Ermak and the transport ships Moguchiy and Vladimir, and with the participation of the diving team, was refloated and “under its own steam successfully entered the port of Libau” (“New Time” dated October 5, 1908). Yanish Petr Nikolaevich, director of the Kronstadt men's gymnasium from 1862 to 1884. In those same years, Father John taught the Law of God in this gymnasium. Nadezhdin Fedor Efimovich, teacher of history and geography at the men's gymnasium and pedagogy at the women's pro-gymnasium in Kronstadt (XIX–early 20th centuries). Died on September 11, 1908. Metropolitan Anthony (Vadkovsky; 1846–1912), on December 25, 1898, elevated to the rank of metropolitan and appointed Metropolitan of St. Petersburg and Ladoga. Since 1898 - permanent, and since June 9, 1900 - primary member of the Holy Synod. We can partly judge the situation that was happening at that time within the Holy Synod, the activities of Metropolitan Anthony (Vadkovsky) and the attitude of Father John of Kronstadt to all this, from the information published by Archimandrite Damascus (Orlovsky) (Lives of the New Martyrs and Confessors of the Russian XX Century. June. // Tver. Bulat Publishing House. 2008. P. 246–252, 591–599). In December 1907, Bishops Seraphim (Chichagov) of Oryol, Hermogenes (Dolganev) of Saratov and Archpriest John Vostorgov (later they all suffered for Christ and were glorified as holy martyrs in the Council of New Martyrs and Confessors of the Russian Church. - Ed.) made an attempt to bring the church administration out of what they thought was a lethargic sleep. The country was engulfed in revolutionary fire, while government bodies, with the approval of the emperor, adopted laws that, when implemented, further strengthened the disenfranchised position of the Church and multiplied anarchy, bringing the country closer to inevitable collapse. They had to observe with their own eyes an unprecedented decline in morality among the people, and the activity of the Holy Synod at that time almost entirely consisted, as they saw it, in monitoring the correct movement of affairs and papers. On December 6, after the liturgy in St. Andrew's Cathedral in Kronstadt, Bishops Seraphim and Hermogenes, the spiritual children of Father John of Kronstadt (The Source of Living Water. Biography of the Holy Righteous Father John of Kronstadt. St. Petersburg, 1999, p. 794), and Archpriest John Vostorgov visited Father John. “The elder greeted them with an expression of lively gratitude for the service and word of edification and presented holy icons from himself to the Right Reverends and Father John Vostorgov. Then he retired with them to his secluded cell and there talked for about an hour, in his words, about subjects of the utmost importance. The interlocutors left Father John touched and in tears...” (ibid., p. 795). Father John of Kronstadt approved of their attempt to achieve greater influence of the Church on the lives of the people. Subsequently, Father John wrote notes to each of them; He wrote to Bishop Hermogenes: “I saw my dear guest Father John Vostorgov today; talked about current affairs, especially yours. You are in a feat; The Lord opens heaven, as it did to Archdeacon Stephen, and blesses you. Be bold, give thanks to the Hero of God” (CA FSB of Russia. D. R-48566. T. 8. L. 15:38). Soon after the conversation with Father John, the bishops were received by Emperor Nicholas; they gave him a note “On the question of the current situation of the Church” and, offering him a list of candidates, asked permission to expand the composition of the Holy Synod. Each of them suggested its own methods to achieve the goal. Bishop Seraphim believed that Metropolitan Anthony (Vadkovsky), the leader in the Synod, should be expelled from the Synod, as being incapable of reacting to what was happening during the emerging catastrophe, and he envisioned himself in his place. Bishop Hermogenes relied more on prayer and the goodwill of the participants. The Emperor supported the bishops, and an expanded composition of the Synod was convened for the winter session at the beginning of 1908, which included three metropolitans - Anthony (Vadkovsky) of St. Petersburg, Vladimir (Epiphany) of Moscow and Flavian (Gorodetsky) of Kiev, Archbishop of Tomsk Macarius (Nevsky), and bishops of Vologda Nikon (Rozhdestvensky), Tauride Alexy (Molchanov), Saratov Hermogenes (Dolganeva), Oryol Seraphim (Chichagov), Penza Mitrofan (Simashkevich), rector of St. Andrew's Cathedral in Kronstadt Archpriest John Sergiev, protopresbyters of the court clergy Ioann Yanyshev and the military - Alexander Zhelobovsky . Metropolitan Anthony, having learned about the new composition of the Synod and assuming that he might be dismissed, was so upset that he publicly announced that he was ill, and calmed down only after he was sure that the rumors about his dismissal had no serious basis. On January 23, 1908, a meeting of the Holy Synod was held under the chairmanship of Metropolitan Anthony, who reported that he was visited by Bishops Hermogenes and Seraphim, who suggested that he send a telegram to the emperor on behalf of the Synod expressing gratitude for the composition of the Synod and obligations to make every effort for effective work. Then the Metropolitan stated that he had received from Chief Prosecutor Izvolsky a report signed by members of the Synod, Bishops Seraphim and Hermogenes, and “in the deep silence of those present, he explained that His Eminence Hermogenes and Seraphim ... in vain assign to themselves the title of “members of the Synod,” since this title is now given either by position, such as to metropolitans, or for special merits, as an honorary title. His Eminences Hermogenes and Seraphim are only “temporarily present” at the meetings of the Synod... Having finished his speech... Metropolitan Anthony asked the chief secretary on duty to make his report on current affairs. But then Bishop Hermogenes stood up with the words: “We are being tried here... I ask to speak in my defense.” The Metropolitan responded coldly: “No one is judging you here. What was said was said only for information. I'm moving on to the next thing. Mr. Chief Secretary, take the trouble to read your report!..." (GARF. F. R-9452. Op. 1. D. 119. L. 59). And then current affairs began to be discussed. Metropolitan Anthony immediately showed that no fundamental issues would be discussed in the Synod, but only those prepared by the synodal officials. Everything that happened made a stunning impression on Bishop Hermogenes. Archpriest John of Kronstadt, to the displeasure of Metropolitan Anthony of St. Petersburg, as mentioned above, was appointed to attend the meetings of the Holy Synod at the request of Bishops Seraphim and Hermogenes to the sovereign. A certificate drawn up specially for this occasion at the request of Metropolitan Anthony proved the impossibility of further summoning Archpriest John of Kronstadt to meetings of the Synod and, in particular, wrote “that Father John himself has never been to a meeting of the Synod, and people who know him well explain this by the fact that he, as a presbyter, does not consider it possible to be present in a meeting where only bishops should be full members” (RGIA. F. 1569. Op. 1.D. 35. L. 37) On September 9, 1908, it became known about the new composition of the Synod; when Metropolitan Anthony of St. Petersburg remained first present, Metropolitans of Moscow Vladimir (Epiphany) and Kiev Flavian (Gorodetsky), Archbishops of Volyn Anthony (Khrapovitsky), Archbishops of Volyn Anthony (Khrapovitsky), Nikolai (Ziorov) of Warsaw, Sergius of Finland (Stragorodsky) were involved in the work of the Synod. and Bishops of Tambov Innocent (Belyaev) and Kholm Evlogy (Georgievsky), but Bishops Seraphim and Hermogenes were no longer here, and Bishop Seraphim was completely transferred to the Kishinev See. On September 13, Bishop Seraphim (Chichagov) wrote to Bishop Hermogenes: “Your Eminence, beloved Bishop! What I told you has happened. You didn’t want to try to reason with Stolypin, to influence him, and we found ourselves thrown overboard by his powerful hand. Everything was decided in the spring that we would remain in the Synod, and Anthony would leave... Stolypin insisted that Anthony remain and we were removed. And the Master (meaning Emperor Nicholas II. - Ed.) betrayed us! Then, in order to remove me from the king, Anthony came up with the idea of ​​transferring me to Chisinau... Here, dear Vladyka, is how the first act of the Russian synodal tragedy ended, and only teach us, Queen of Heaven, what we should do to begin the second act...” (GASO. F. 1132. Op. 1. D. 172. L. 2-3). On September 23, 1908, a friend and like-minded person of the bishops, Hieromonk Veniamin (Fedchenkov), wrote to Bishop Hermogenes in Saratov, explaining what had happened: “I have long been planning to write to you about the latest events. First of all, about the new composition of the Holy Synod. The change was so unexpected that one can only throw up one’s hands. Where are the reasons? Here in St. Petersburg, the general belief is that this is the work of Stolypin. The “Black Hundred” composition of the former Synod, without a doubt, was unpleasant to him. Bishop Seraphim, with whom I managed to correspond the other day, suggests that the Kiev Congress and the message against Tolstoy completely “enraged” him. But I am inclined to think differently... The point is in you, in the previous composition. Stolypin feared that the “Black Hundred” Synod would carry out the ideas of the congress (not to mention your previous affairs and tasks); I was afraid that you would insist on the abolition of marriages with non-Orthodox people, that you would strive to remove church affairs from the hooligan Duma - non-believers and hooligan intellectuals. Therefore, it was necessary to put an end to the previous composition. This is the first reason. The second one is in Antonia. Remember, back in the spring it was assumed that Anthony, after an unsuccessful attempt to appeal to M.F. (probably we are talking about the Dowager Empress Maria Feodorovna. - Ed.), will probably go to Stolypin. There is no doubt that Stolypin is pleased with Anthony’s “calm” direction. With him, he can do everything his own way. For example, they claim that when Stolypin learned about the decision of the Congress to remove spiritual matters from the Duma, he quite calmly threw out a phrase like: “everything will be as before.” He can only turn so easily under Metropolitan Anthony, his primacy... So, the main goal is the primacy of Anthony. Then Stolypin could sleep and do everything calmly. Let the congresses, let the messages - all this be “within the limits of moderation and accuracy.” The main thing is that there should be no previous Synod...” (GASO. F. 1132. Op. 1. D. 172. L. 1–4). Yanyshev Ioann Leontievich (1826–1910), protopresbyter of the Winter Palace Cathedral and the Moscow Annunciation Cathedral, theologian, preacher, church and public figure, confessor of the royal family (from 1883). “There is an Arabic legend: Moses, while wandering in the desert, heard a shepherd praying to God. The shepherd prayed like this: “Oh, Lord, how can I come close to You and become Your servant. With what joy I would put shoes on You, wash Your feet and kiss them, comb Your hair, wash Your clothes, clean Your home and bring You milk from my flock. My heart desires You." Hearing such words, Moses became angry with the shepherd and said: “You are a blasphemer. God has no body, He does not need clothing, housing, or servants. You speak badly." And the shepherd became sad. He could not imagine God without a body and without bodily needs, and he could no longer pray and serve God and fell into despair. Then God said to Moses: “Why have you driven away My faithful servant from Me? Every person has his own thoughts and his own speeches. What is bad for you is good for someone else, what is poison for you is sweet honey for someone else. Words mean nothing; I see the heart of the one who turns to Me.” (See L. Tolstoy. “For every day (1906–1910).” Complete works. M.-L., 1929. T. 43. P. 124. First printed in 1906–1907. in the collection “Circle of Reading”, which had the subtitle: “Selected, collected and arranged for every day by Leo Tolstoy thoughts of many writers about truth, life and behavior.”) Lenten troparia “Open the doors of repentance...” after the Gospel at Sunday morning. Babenko Joseph Fedorovich (1859–?), hereditary honorary citizen (since 1903). On September 21, 1896, he was appointed a psalm-reader at the Alexander Nevsky Church at the House of Diligence in Kronstadt, and from 1909 he served as a deacon in the same church. Konstantin Petrovich Pobedonostsev (1827–1907) served as chief prosecutor of the Holy Synod from 1880 to 1905. Back in 1901, the Russian Orthodox Church was forced to say its word about the religious teachings of Leo Tolstoy and, in connection with this, record his position as a person who fell away from the Church. Tolstoy, in his response to the Synod, confirmed that he had indeed renounced the Church and was an adherent of the doctrine he invented. Father John of Kronstadt, observing as a shepherd the spiritual destruction that Tolstoy's teachings were wreaking in the souls of people, spoke in his sermons denouncing him. But Russian society seemed to go crazy and in 1908, seven years after Tolstoy’s excommunication from the Church, widely celebrated his 80th birthday, holding noisy celebrations in his honor with the participation of the “Orthodox” authorities and naming secondary schools after him for the people embarrassed by his teaching. Bishop Hermogenes (Dolganev), as an archpastor, did not agree to silently observe this madness corrupting the believing Russian people, and opposed the public demonstration of apostasy from Christ. For pastors, he wrote and sent out a corresponding message throughout the diocese on August 28, 1908. Deacon Feodor Fedorov served in the Church of the Icon of the Mother of God of the Sign at the city hospital-colony for the mentally ill at the Novoznamenskaya dacha. Irina Aleksandrovna Bashmakova, from Tobolsk. In 1904, she offered Father John participation in the development of a gold mine, and later invited him to take ownership of the mine. In 1907, he wrote to Father John about the plight of his family, asked for help, and informed him about work at the mine site. “A Living Ear from the Spiritual Field of Father John of Kronstadt” is the title of a book published in 1909, which included Father John’s diary entries for 1907–1908. Saint Joasaph (Gorlenko; 1705–1754), Bishop of Belgorod, wonderworker; glorified by the Russian Orthodox Church as a saint in 1911. Memory 4 (17) September and 10 (23) December. Comma (Church Glav.) – stop, detain. Barking (Church Glav.) – machinations, deceit.