Ноябрь 1882 г.

Monday. I thank and glorify the Lord, who revived my soul with His grace during Matins and bestowed the grace of reading and singing sweet things (canons and stichera). Most of all, I thank the Lord for his merciful deliverance from my anger and hardness of heart towards the poor after Matins, who surrounded me when I returned home and asked for alms for various needs. I, the accursed one, called one of them a drunkard, not knowing for certain that he was a drunkard. I offended the members of Christ, Christ God Himself in His members, for which I repented. I was greatly wounded by my malice and suffered mortally from grief and cramped conditions, but the Lord bowed to my intense prayer of repentance and had mercy on me, granting me peace, space, ease, forgiveness, and righteousness. What I did was bad and extremely harmful to my soul: I ate meat cutlets in the morning: by doing so I weakened my heart extremely, making me incapable of public prayer and the fight against evil demons, which brought upon me the usual fear and fear during a prayer service in the military presence. But before the prayer service, the Lord twice delivered me through my prayer from the sinful oppression that befell me for a condemnatory and somewhat derogatory word about the abbot: once in the cathedral after touching the Holy Altar in repentance, the other - in the warm vestibule of the Duma, where I prayed, looking at the image in the Swiss room (of the Savior). In the evening at eight o'clock the Lord delivered me, a passionate man, from secret grief and anger towards my wife for her (real or imaginary) theft of various things from me and her injustice and pickiness towards the servants. I sincerely repented secretly before the Lord, asking for forgiveness and change of heart, and the Lord soon did both: I calmed down, became calm, and was comforted. May there be no place for a single evil in me. I am a lover of life, a great sinner, in the sense of the corruption of temporary carnal life, and because of this love of life I neglect the commandments of the Lord, which lead into eternal life, I am bound by worldly lusts and pleasures, enslaved to various passions. Deliver me, Lord, from this work and grant me to work with You with all diligence, so that I may be a partaker and participant in Your eternal life by Your mercy. I thank the Lord, who through my secret prayer showed me the greatest salvation and help before the wedding and during the wedding in the Assumption Church (Egor and Mary) in the face of severe confusion and embitterment, violence from evil and arrogant demons. The marriage was crowned victoriously, without stumbling, solemnly, loudly, in spite of the invisible adversaries, who were trying to deprive me of speech, make me dumb and wound, kill my spirit. The Lord delivered me from them. When I was getting ready to go to the post office at twelve o'clock (letter to Archimandrite Theodosius) and to the gymnasium class, I came across a beggar from St. Petersburg with an insistent demand for alms - shoes, clothes and money for the trip; At first I didn’t want to, but then I felt sorry for him and, having exchanged it, gave him 60 kopecks, and when I began to ask, I gave him 10 kopecks with annoyance and tore his hair out in anger, but then trouble seized me - the enemy killed me; I went to church, fell to the holy throne, and the Lord had mercy - I went to the gymnasium with a light and cheerful heart, thanking God. During the service of the all-night vigil at Gulyaev’s, the Lord helped, [and] in Anna Gerasimova’s apartment the Lord had mercy on me twice, me, who was angry with her for the invitation and excessive zeal: I looked up to the Lord in repentance, and He had mercy on me. Today, on the way to the gymnasium, after falling to the Holy Altar in repentance and pardon, the Lord delivered not only from the severe consequences of sin, but also from headaches and nausea, which lasted a day and a half after giving a lecture in the House of Diligence on the afterlife. How gratifying it is to be healthy after illness! I sinned against the Lord by secretly being upset with the servant Anna for his sloppiness, negligence, carelessness (lack of effort). (All rubbish is placed in a bag in the latrine.) Grant me, too, to respect Your image and the articulation of the body of Your Church. Give her, Lord, the understanding to do everything diligently, both in small and large things. I thank the Lord, who during Matins twice delivered me from great distress and sorrow, which befell me once for hard-heartedness towards the poor and failure to give alms, and secondly, for the desire for distinction and addiction to earthly vain honor, while the Lord is our treasure, our honor and glory, our life and strength, and light and reason. Fatty meat soups should be avoided, especially on fasting days. They become sharp and gore for my soul and fill my insides with a disgusting stench. Not finding rose oil in the glass 68 (it was behind the castle), I suspected my wife of going under the castle and stealing this fragrance intended for the shroud, and I was indignant and secretly hated her, even spat on her from behind when she came and went to the shrine, where I stood and prayed; She, however, did not seem to guess. I sinned against the Lord and before my wife in suspicion and secret hatred because of a thing, forgetting that love is more precious than anything in the world and should never fall away from it because of anything, even if they deprived me of my life, not just things. Have mercy, Lord! Treasure the Kingdom of God within yourself most diligently and to preserve it, sacrifice everything dear to you, that is, earthly things. Do not be separated from God for even one second, for even one second without God is a great disaster for a person. Eleven o'clock in the afternoon. The heart feels heaviness and illness from eating a very significant amount of lamb at nine o’clock in the morning (with tea). There is no need to eat meat in the morning, or even at lunch. It is complete to insult the grace of the Holy Spirit by meat-eating and gluttony! Time, time to prepare for the meeting of God, for the resurrection and judgment. Not in childhood - a childish passion for greed: lamb is put on the table - and let's eat lamb uncontrollably, until we become burdened and forget our duties as a Christian and a priest. Good God! Have mercy on me. This morning, today, the Lord delivered me twice (during Matins) from the oppression and death of sin that befell me for hard-heartedness and failure to give alms to the poor before Matins (when they asked me), and, secondly, for the thought of voluptuousness; when I deeply repented of both, the Lord delivered me from hardship and gave me peace and boldness. At home at nine o'clock after tea, the Lord delivered me from the consequences of being upset with my wife for her rude treatment of the servants. I had the stupid, impudent (in such summers and in my sacred rank) imprudence to eat until I was satiated with meat in the morning at tea. What came out as it should have come out? I became stupid and stupid, lost the gift of speech (especially when betrothing Dodonov’s daughter (son)), the devil mocked me, brought fear and timidity into me, completely weakened and killed my soul (in the evening at about six o’clock). I lost my composure. A similar thing happened later that day at Nikolai Vasilyevich’s (fruit seller). Saturation paralyzes, kills internal strength, darkens, shames, plunges into laziness and inertia. Oh, how carefully one must eat food! He who does (creates) a job properly speaks boldly, thoroughly, clearly, boldly, and he who is lazy and inactive, devoted to bliss, luxury, gluttony, cannot even speak, becomes dull, numb. The holy saints of God, for their love for God and their neighbors, for their deeds and self-sacrifice, have become above time, they are constantly glorified for entire centuries, and their memory does not age. The righteous will be an everlasting memory [Ps. 112:6]. Or is the hand of the Lord shortened? Or has He ceased to be the all-good and all-powerful Creator, Provider, Father, Redeemer and Savior? Or is He deaf and dumb and blind, like the gods of the pagans? - No, God save us from such blasphemy, from such unbelief, madness, senselessness. Who is God the Great, as is our God? Thou art the God who works miracles: Thou hast spoken Thy power in people [Ps. 77:14-15], and Thou hast spoken it in us, and will speak and show, and always, every day and hour. Our God has created everything in heaven and on earth as He pleases [Ps. 113:11]. Let us remember the manna in the desert, let us remember the dyes 69 [ Exodus 16:13–15 ], let us remember the water from the stone [ Exodus 17 ], let us remember the parting of the sea and the thickened water [ Exodus 14:21–22 ], let us remember the One who created everything with His one word and Who called us all from nothingness, from non-existence to being and well-being and re-being, The One who loved us so much, Who creates for us daily from bread and wine His Flesh and Blood - this is a miracle, of all miracles the most amazing, most loving, wisest, most life-giving, and let us not doubt His providence for us, about our institution, which so miraculously arose and was organized. Will a woman forget her suckling child, so as not to have compassion on the son of her womb? but even if she forgot, I will not forget you. Behold, I have engraved you on My hands; Your walls are always before Me [Isa.49:15-16]. Morning. I thank the Lord, who worked with me the greatest miracle of mercy and salvation during Matins, for I, killed by my sins (hard-heartedness towards the poor before Matins; going to church, spat on one of them in front (he walked behind)) - greed, stinginess, ingratitude, insensibility, pride, malice - he miraculously revived, had mercy on me, giving me tears cleansing and life-giving emotions. Oh, with what joy and vividness of feeling I read and sang the canons and stichera! I thank the Lord, who transformed sadness into joy, powerlessness into strength, death into life! The evening is deep. Twelfth hour. The Lord has now, through a tearful prayer of repentance, done the greatest mercy to my soul, touched, had mercy, cleansed, justified, revived, rejoiced, and delivered me from severe torment, sorrow and distress, and completely changed me into well-being. Wonderful change! I prayed in the hall before the image of the Savior, kneeling near the dining room doors. And so quickly the mercy of God followed! The only one quick to intercede, Christ 70, glory to Thee! I condemned myself completely in pride, malice, hardness of heart, greed, gluttony, stinginess, ingratitude, insolence (against the poor), laziness, negligence, I hated the whole old man. The sign of the cross by the hand of a priest in church or anywhere, also used by the laity, is a weapon and a sword against the devil and a fire that burns demons; we cut off the demonic regiments with them, that’s why we use it often. It also serves us as help, sanctification, reinforcement and stimulation in prayer, in labors and exploits against sins and passions, temptations and enticements. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who graciously gave me permission when I was bound in the bonds of hell for my coldness of heart and hardness of heart and hostile disposition towards the beggars who followed me asking for alms during my procession to Matins. I thank the Lord, who has granted me repentance for this with tears and the sight of my grave sins. Oh, how longed, how joyful it was for me to have my debts forgiven! With what triumph of spirit I read and sang the canons of Octoechos and Menaion (to Paul the Confessor, Patriarch of Constantinople)! Having sinned with hostility and unmercifulness towards the poor before Matins, I transgressed the entire law of love, and grieved the man-loving womb of the Lord Jesus Christ and saddened the Holy Spirit with my evil behavior. But I glorify Your ineffable mercies, O Christ God, and Your invincible mercy, insurmountable by my malice and all kinds of sins. I thank You that You have not yet ceased to surround me with the joys of deliverance and salvation, although I am unworthy of Your love for mankind, and worthy of all condemnation and torment; I thank You for not allowing the murderous serpent to completely devour me, although he is trying in every possible way to devour me and although I am worthy of being betrayed to his will for my malice and persistence in evil, habituation in sins. Even during Matins, I noticed in myself a hostile internal attack on Father Paul the rector, which I rejected through repentance and prayer and the mercy of God, and became peaceful without being completely peaceful. After Matins I ate baked bread with butter, washed down with sweet tea, and weighed myself down somewhat. There was no need to eat. Now I can’t write letters or prepare for class—I want to sleep. I spoiled myself by overeating on pecked bread and butter in the morning: I walked along the street a lot - and I still have a heaviness in my stomach and cannot do reading and writing. What kind of madness is this! What the […]! Don’t forget to go to those who give monthly alms: Neustroyev, F. Vasiliev, Sidorov, Balabanov, Pavel Pavlovich. My Lord Jesus Christ has shown me many and inexpressibly great blessings this day. During the all-night vigil, there were so many deliverances from the cunning of fierce demons, especially at the beginning of the service: the Lord gave me warmth and sincerity during the service and protected me from the cruelty and ferocity of demons! He sang the verses on “Lord, I cried,” on the verses and on the praises perfectly, in a clear, sonorous voice; the canon sang and read magnificently, clearly, distinctly, intelligently, with strong feeling and great boldness. During the dismissal, the enemy confused, intimidated, cut off, wounded, darkened, shamed, but for repentance the Lord revived him again; Due to the devil’s delusion, I did not read the entire prayer of Christ, the True Light, out of fear of the demonic and relaxation of the heart with fear, but the Lord, for repentance and calling on His name from the bottom of my heart, revived it again; at the beginning of mass the enemy killed him again, but the Lord revived him again; after the great entrance, the enemy killed, and the Lord revived; He served loudly, solemnly (Yes, and they are glorified with us... he didn’t pronounce it, he was taken aback by the undeveloped antimension). I didn’t read the entire pulpit for fear of the demons; He spoke the sermon loudly and boldly. Vasily stole it and was hurt by demons, but the Lord healed him again. At prayer services outside the church there is terrible persecution from demons, obstacles, ulcers, deadly violence, especially in the House of Diligence among teachers; At home, with many tears, I got rid of the poisonous remorse of the demon. Sunday. Evening, six o'clock. Now, for my repentance, I have been honored by the Lord with the greatest mercy - forgiveness of sins, peace and freedom, for I was bound before this by hellish bonds for secret anger towards Fevronia, my wife [...], my former servant, for sitting in the dining room with my wife at the table and not getting up at my entrance and not accepting the blessing. I repented of my anger with all my soul, accepted good feelings, and the Lord had mercy after fervent prayer with kneeling. Satan greatly frightened me that night (November 8), appearing in a house, I don’t know where, in the form of the relics of some righteous woman, completely covered, and when I began to look at them, the relics turned out to be covered with a veil 71, from under which a lean, pleasant woman’s face could be seen; when I was filled with reverence for the righteous woman, peering into this face, and pleased her, the body began to show signs of life, the relics turned out to be a living person, they began to turn, finally they stood up - and a man appeared, as if a resurrected dead man, who began to catch me with his bony hands, frighten me, speak angrily to me; I barely escaped his hands onto the street; he could not run after me, but he threatened me. What ghosts does the adversary scare me with! I was granted numerous deliverances from the Lord during the day (November 7) from numerous demonic wiles (at the Semenovs’ all-night vigil, in the church before the all-night vigil). A priest who performs services to God in a church or in the homes of his faithful parishioners must have in his heart and carefully preserve the treasure of Christian love, which never falls away, and with this love he must say and do everything; must have complete impartiality to everything earthly - to money, to jewelry, to worldly people, no matter what their rank and condition, gender and age, even if he himself wears purple and a crown; must be entirely in God, look at His holiness, at His eternal truth, at His eternal majesty, His omnipotence, His all-bliss; must be abstinent in everything: in food and drink, in clothing, in rest, in pleasures. Today I was dead in spirit during early mass until the Cherubic Song and constantly lamented in my heart about my thinness, sinfulness, my lewdness, my passion, reflecting on the greatness of the Sacrament and my unpreparedness for its celebration and communion; The Lord descended upon my sighs and pacified me, who was troubled, revived me, and made me bold. Glory to His mercy! As if from dust, from rabble, I arise to life and beauty every time I serve the Liturgy; The Lord is working a truly miraculous transformation in me, but soon I, ungrateful, inattentive, passionate and lazy, lose the grace and mercy of God through gluttony and neglect of impartiality. Grant me, Lord, to honor in every Christian person the church of Your Holy Spirit, a member of the sanctuary of Your body, O Christ God, and never be deceived by anyone or anything. Served prayer services at [...] in the house of Rumyantsev, in the house of Karoly (in the swamp) in the second room of the drivers and stokers (Burachek), at Mikhail Stepanovich (in the house of Mois.) Borodulin; here he served magnificently, sincerely, strongly, without stumbling, without shame, but the drivers were in confusion and confusion, ulcerously. Eleven and a quarter o'clock in the afternoon. Now the Lord, through prayer of repentance and strong invocation of the name of the Lord, performed a miracle of deliverance from the unbearable voluptuous stings of the ethereal enemy. Glory to Your mercy, Lord! Glory to Your power! Glory to Your goodness, glory to Your forbearance and long-suffering! Morning. I thank the Lord, who accomplished His salvation in me, when I, being in cramped conditions and sorrow, cried out to the Lord in repentance, and He, hearing, soon had mercy on me, reviving me and giving peace to my soul. After that, I read and sang the canons with a triumphant spirit. How good these canons are, especially the Octoechos! Sweetness, life! It’s as if they poured out of us - there is so much truth, truth, reality, or actuality in them. They seem to have been written with the tears of the entire human race, at least the best part of it. What incessant temptations, sins, sorrows, hardships, and darknesses the human race is subject to after the Fall! Only in the Lord Jesus Christ is the salvation of mankind. There is no other name by which one can be saved [Acts 4:12]. Today I had a severe headache from morning until eleven o'clock in the afternoon, with nausea. There is an abyss of snow outside: snowy weather greatly affects my head. The stomach is clean: cleaned out. I didn't eat soup yesterday. All wine and snacks are light. Evening. I thank the Lord, who granted me speedy deliverance from sorrow and crowded conditions in the church during Vespers (regarding the refusal of the poor) and after Vespers, when I went into the church to invite Procopius of the altar to go to a prayer service in Morozova’s house (I passed and venerated the Holy Altar for the sake of propitiation), and in Morozova’s house in the Ivanovs’ apartment before and during the prayer service. Oh, how quickly the Lord saved me, listening to my prayer. I cheerfully, sincerely, without stumbling, served the prayer service. I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me from the sorrow and cramped conditions and shame that befell me at the training crew (or at the headquarters) for the kick (kick) of a beggar youth who asked me for more (over fifteen kopecks), as if for the road. I deeply repented of my anger, insolence, pride, pride, impatience. About the boy (about twelve years old) I knew before that he abused alms and even stole, although, of course, this cannot be a reason for me to beat the boy. We must correct with meekness [Gal.6:1]. I thank the Lord, who seeks my salvation and is zealous in a fatherly manner for deliverance from evil and observance in holiness and righteousness, who continually punishes me in a fatherly manner and who has mercy unceasingly, Divinely, graciously, sovereignly, encouragingly and savingly. May I, the accursed one, be zealous with all the strength of my soul and body for the love and truth of God. The Lord showed me great help and mercy during the wedding of two marriages, helping me to overcome the most evil machinations of invisible enemies. Also after marriage, when my enemies overcame me, stumbling over my words and hurting me in the end. The Lord showed me especially great mercy and salvation in the House of Diligence, in the hall of the house, at eight o’clock in the evening, when I secretly repented of my hard-heartedness and insolence towards the poor. Faith and repentance saved me. I thank the Lord, who quickly heard me when I prayed with faith and hope for Master Vasily, who was perishing in cruel sins, and for his wife Pelageya and daughter Evdokia, who suffered from him. I just sighed and bowed my knees before the holy throne for them, and the Lord performed a miracle of salvation, a miracle of heart change with the aforementioned Vasily: instead of a beast, he became a lamb, fell at the feet of his wife and daughter, asking for forgiveness and promising in advance not to do evil. When leaving for St. Petersburg, you need to take photographs of the House of Diligence, the project and rules, or charter, stock up on answers regarding the number of male and female workers in it, regarding the items made by male and female labor, the sale of things, their value, regarding the day school (number of children), shelter for orphans (how many are there?), regarding the means of subsistence in the future (provision, hope for collecting willing victims in St. Petersburg and Moscow), about the need to put it on solid ground so that this worthy name of the emperor 72 [...] existed firmly and without need, forever bringing benefit to the poor working people and small children, so that in this way the worthy memory of the great sovereign would pass from generation to generation. Stock up on a memorial note for yourself and for Mr. Sabler 73 . Thursday. Holy Martyrs Mina, Victor and Vincent, Martyr Stefanida, St. Theodore the Studite and St. Maximus, Fool for Christ, Moscow Wonderworker. From yesterday evening and today from morning until five o'clock in the evening I had a severe headache of a nervous nature, especially from nine o'clock in the morning until the evening and in the evening during Vespers, and now after Vespers there is unbearable pain, shooting, to the point that I groaned and moaned in the church, stretching over the Holy Altar with both cheeks and forehead to relieve the pain, but it did not subside. I came home, took off my warm one [...], put on another one - it was lighter; I went to take a break, drank two glasses of tea with a bite (which happens rarely), and after drinking tea suddenly all the pain disappeared; I read the newspaper freely, then went to Baron Buxhoeveden, 74 then to the shop to buy two chairs for the kitchen. I thank the Lord for his unspeakable mercy, that, having punished me, he had mercy on me and instead of the hellish clock, he gave me to see the heavenly clock. What an important role the stomach plays in headaches! In truth, the Lord punished me yesterday with a fierce pain in the head for my sins, and especially for covetousness: how many kind, pious people give me various things of clothing: scarves, shirts (white), cassocks, cassocks, fur coats, boots, galoshes, blacking wax, towels, linen, how much and what kind of food they feed me almost every day! And yet, in relation to the poor, I myself am mostly hard-hearted, harsh, stingy, unloving, irritable! God! Have mercy and correct me, the damned! How many times has the generous grace of God, through tearful prayer in repentance, changed my senseless, ungrateful, evil, voluptuous, stinking, dying every day heart, and again and again I fell into grave sins. During the christening at the fruit farmer Nikolai Vasil. my heart grew cold, deadened, fell away from God because of a silk scarf from Alexandra Dmitrievna Machigina, and I was in a strong struggle with mental enemies; fought, was defeated and in the end completely defeated by the ever-eager and persistent enemies, did not pronounce the litanies and dismissal and was extremely wounded by their mortal sting, but through the prayer of repentance after the Sacrament, he received from the Lord permission and forgiveness of sins, peace and freedom of spirit, goodness and quietness of heart. God bless! I thank the Most Holy Lady Theotokos for deliverance from a terrible headache, for as soon as I sent for wooden oil for the lamp in front of Her wondrous icon, I immediately felt the disappearance of the headache, and the lamp went out due to lack of oil. Eight and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who has now revealed in me His wondrous and life-giving salvation through an intense prayer of repentance (and I repented of grief and anger at my wife for her unjust persecution of the servant Evdokia and her cruel, malicious treatment of her, while the servant works day and night diligently and in every possible way for all of us and deserves full respect and gratitude). There was no peace in my bones. And so the Lord gave peace. Inquire about the metropolitan (name and patronymic). Prayer service at eleven and a half o'clock on November 13 (today) in the Adamovich house. Ask the sexton to make an extract from my form. Memory of Saint John Chrysostom. The encouragement and reward for a pious priest is the very grace of God that abides in us and the favor of God, the sign of which is the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding [ Phil. 4:7 ], the endowment of righteousness and joy in the Holy Spirit. Today in church during Matins I had the greatest temptation, struggle, grave sorrow because I, standing in the church and in the altar at the holy life-giving and terrible throne - that is, as if in heaven - dared to dream of an earthly reward for me (the Order of St. Anna of the second degree), while the reward for the priest is Christ alone, God, from Whom I was appointed, unworthy, the shepherd of His verbal flock and to Whom I serve only one, the eternal High Priest, the Beginning Shepherd, the Judge, the Ascetic and the Rewarder, who tests our hearts and bellies and weighs on the most faithful scales all the dispositions of our hearts, all our desires, thoughts, aspirations, words and deeds. In fact, when I look at myself impartially and examine aspirations, inclinations, thoughts, desires, passions, omissions, negligence, laziness and my entire hidden, internal and external life, then I find myself worthy not of reward, but of punishment, as the Lord and my God punishes me daily with His righteous judgment. Where is the correction of my many-passionate heart? Where is the constant effort to save the souls entrusted to me? Where is the love of the gospel? Where is the selflessness? Where is good alms? On the contrary, pride, lust, love of money, malice, envy, love of money, stinginess, impatience, disobedience, cowardice, despondency, fear, vanity, covetousness, gluttony, satiety dominate in me. So, I deserve punishment, punishment, not reward. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from fierce sorrow and enlightened the eyes of my heart. If I preach the gospel, then I have nothing to boast about, because this is my necessary duty [1 Cor. 9:16]. Great honor should be given to elders who rule worthy, especially to those who labor in the word and in doctrine [1 Timothy 5:17]. For twenty-six years, every Sunday he preached the word of God to the people in church. A word imprinted with the character of heartfelt faith, simplicity and sincerity, which, by the grace of God, had a strong educational significance in the Christian spirit, especially for the common people. Honest, unashamed behavior, constant mobility and zeal for correcting parish needs give him the right to the attention of his superiors and encouragement for further service to the Church of God and the spiritual needs of parishioners. And since he, Archpriest Sergiev, for such service to the parish had not been encouraged by the highest and superior mercy for eight years, since his elevation to the rank of archpriest in 1875 (for his service at the gymnasium he received the Order of St. Anne of the third degree in 1878), the Kronstadt City Duma considers it fair to ask [the Eminence] to petition for co-ranking Archpriest Sergiev for his twenty-seven years of service to the Order of St. Anne of the second degree. At eleven and a quarter o'clock in the afternoon I was invited today to serve a prayer service in a room for the poor, arranged by the merchant F.S. Gerasimov and Timofey Makar. N.. in the presence of [police chief] Adamovich, the said merchants, the police officer and others. During the prayer service, invisible enemies attacked and confused me, they crushed me during the reading of the Gospel and the litany of consecration, and they hurt me greatly and killed me. After the prayer service, I went to the gymnasium and kept repenting, praying, begging the goodness of God to deliver me from the violence and malice of my ethereal enemies. I prayed for a long time: they all pressed me, ate me, ulcerated me; finally the grace and mercy of God came and delivered me. It became so easy for me! God bless! Just before evening, I fell into a thousand rages because of the multitude of beggars who were bothering me; I was upset, embarrassed, embittered, could not serve, and so, during the opening psalm of the evening, I fell with faith to the holy throne, praying to the Lord in repentance, with faith and hope to deliver me from the darkness of those 75 evils of the darkness of His Divine grace and mercy, and for faith and hope the Lord immediately created a miracle of mercy with me: I, dead, came to life in spirit, calmed down, was at peace, triumphed over the darkness of evil. Glory to the wonderful betrayal of the right hand of the Most High! One and three quarters of the night. For the information of every Orthodox Christian. In the great and small litanies we always hear the ascension: Having commemorated our Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary with all the saints, let us commend ourselves, and each other, and our whole life to Christ our God. What does this frequent reminder mean to the faithful, standing in church or listening to divine services anywhere in the house and on the street, a reminder of the Most Holy Theotokos with all the saints and an encouragement to betray themselves and each other to Christ our God? The Church repeats this reminder in our hearing so that we remember the holy, great Divine union of the Church of God, heavenly and earthly, triumphant in heaven and militant on earth, the close mutual connection of one and the other, the constant closeness to us and the readiness to help us in everything - the Mother of God, the Head of mental instruction 76, the holy apostles, prophets, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and all saints; so that they value the happiness of being members of such a Church and live holy, abstaining from all lawlessness and doing good deeds; so that they betray themselves and each other in everything - in sorrows and joys, in sins and in truth, or in virtue, in temptations and trials - to the Head of the Church, our Lord Jesus Christ; so that we remember the closeness to us of the all-good and all-powerful Head of the Church of our Lord and His readiness to protect, preserve, have mercy and save His members according to His infinite goodness and through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother and all the saints. These words: Most Holy, Most Pure, etc. are extremely important, sublime, rich in content, and comforting for every truly Orthodox Christian: they lift his spirit, give him indestructible hope in God, strength and strength, and convince him to live holy. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who gave me streams of tears of tenderness during Matins and especially during the early liturgy and a compassionate service with non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and with the living preaching of the word of God. At the prayer service to the holy Apostle Philip for Philip Stepanovich, Stepanova was extremely embarrassed while reading the Gospel and did not finish it; after this, as when reading the Gospel, extreme distress and shame prevailed over me, as if defeated by the machinations of an evil adversary; but by faith and repentance I was delivered from his clutches by the all-conquering goodness and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ. Before the prayer service and at the prayer service with Chernyshev, a military official, the Lord granted me the greatest deliverance and help (the enemy was terribly embarrassed about the silk scarf he gave back to Anna Dimitrievna Machigina). I performed the prayer without stumbling, although the enemies roared to devour me. Praise the Lord. Touchingly, boldly, strongly I prayed to the Lord during the liturgy, when the Holy Lamb of God reclined on the paten, take away the sins of the world [John 1:29], for the House of industriousness, for sending down upon it, like rain, abundant material gifts and the blessing of God on all its deeds. I hope that my tearful prayer ascended to the Lord and we will not remain in the shame of poverty. He who has given himself, how will he not give with him everything we ask? [Rom.8:32]. After late mass. The Lord showed His mercy to me after late mass. We do not see on everything we see clearly inscribed not in letters, but in appearances and deeds, the words “corruption.” Thus, everything is perishable on earth: bodies, all things, the very light of the sun and stars, fire, water, air, earth; But our souls are incorruptible and immortal; should the incorruptible (soul) cleave to corruptible things? Shouldn't the soul cleave to the incorruptible and eternal? To God and to virtue, to truth and holiness, to mercy and non-covetousness? As soon as I open my mouth to read the word of God, I now encounter lions and wolves, mercilessly attacking me and not allowing me to utter a word. What is it? And I need to pronounce the word of God with special zeal and love. Help, Lord! Grant me to create and speak Your word! Yesterday at Philip Stepanov's name day I drank bitter, and rowan, and Madeira, and I ate quite a bit. I clinked glasses with everyone, even with Tsepov (the schismatic), and from all this I became a prisoner of the devil, I lost confidence in my ministry, I served a short vespers with difficulty, I performed a short baptism, I lost my voice, I felt the devil’s complete possession of me even at the baptism in Malaya Ekaterininskaya Street (in the wine shop). Should I, a priest and communicant of the Holy Mysteries, have such communication with drunkards and smokers, and even joke and laugh and overeat and get drunk? However, I was not drunk by the grace of God. I marvel at the invincible goodness and power of the Lord Jesus Christ, who today delivered me many times from the painful, deadly wiles of the devil during Matins and Mass, especially during Matins due to sleepy despondency and relaxation of the heart, and especially after yesterday’s treat with Philip Stepanov and Y. K. Markov; One momentary thought of some worldly predilection for some thing (Machigina’s scarf, an order badge of the second degree) embarrassed me, irritated me, deposed me, but for repentance and faith the Lord delivered me from a complete fall and cowardice. And during the liturgy, in the middle of it, the Lord gave abundant tears of tenderness with boldness and victory over all the ardent, brutal machinations of the ruler of the world (Father Deacon Nicholas did not do this and that), especially over cowardice, loss of spirit and inner shame, and I read the entire prayer behind the pulpit solemnly, loudly and generally served loudly and impressively, sincerely by God’s grace. God bless! The Lord is in His creation, in the liturgy - in the bread and wine transformed into the Body and Blood of Christ, and in the people who receive communion. How marvelous He is here! And at Epiphany? In Confirmation, in Repentance, in the Priesthood, in Marriage and Blessing of Anointing? How good, great, righteous, omnipotent, omnipotent He is here! I thank the Lord for his great mercy and help during the service of Midnight Office and Matins, when the struggle with demons was difficult, especially before the prayer to Christ, the Light... During late mass there was hellish tightness and shame in me: the devil leaned on my weakness with his whole being; from the beginning of mass - coldness, powerlessness, deadness, numbness; this is up to and including the special litany and the litany for the dead; then my heart warmed a little; after the great entrance, loss of spirit; By the grace of God he rose up, but soon the spirit was suppressed again. After communion he became animated; before communion there was some grief at the sexton, and even earlier, before the Sacrament was celebrated, for the slow singing of I Believe. After the appearance of the Holy Gifts for the last time, before the prayer behind the pulpit, there was terrible muteness, and until the end of mass: I could not pronounce the entire prayer behind the pulpit, dismissal too; Satan pressed down and pressed. (Wasn’t it yesterday’s drinking of wine, at least a little, with Arkhip? And he’s a drunkard... And God punished me for communicating with him. And the new cassock, a gift from Lyubov Nazarovna? ​​God knows.) Seven o'clock in the evening. Now, through a fervent, tearful prayer of repentance, the Lord showed me great and rich mercy, saving me from the creep of voluptuousness and from the confusion and relaxation of heart that followed it. Glory to the Lord, who continually benefits me and preserves me in sanctity, who is zealous for me with Divine zeal and who continually punishes me righteously. (From the Markovs, extraordinary caresses about God.) The wisdom of God, expressed in the desire and feeling of great pleasure when consuming food and drink in a state of hunger and during intercourse between husband and wife: if this pleasure did not exist, then many would use these natural impulses for evil and, for various reasons, would neither eat nor drink, in order to end their life in an easy way, nor to strive for childbearing and multiplying the human race, and it would soon be cut short, especially by envy and malice diabolical, but at the same time the Creator has indicated a strict measure for both desires - food and drink, sexual intercourse and the eruption of the vital seed, so that people satisfy only needs and do not turn these great pleasures into purpose and amusement or into passion, because otherwise these same pleasures, used without measure and with an evil purpose, turn into cruel punishment to man. Glory to the wisdom of God in all things! Enlighten and teach everyone, O Lord God, to create Your wise, good, incorruptible and life-giving laws! Amen. After Matins. The war of spirits is most stubborn, bloody (in the spiritual sense), full of spiritual wounds during Matins, especially after Matins at the water-blessing prayer service, which I could not calmly serve because of grief at the watchman, who, despite my repeated remarks, put a lot of incense; the litany could not say the small and holy water prayers, nor the holy water prayer; complete confusion, complete powerlessness, many wounds in the soul; I somehow finished the prayer service, all wounded in my soul, but, not despairing of God’s mercy, I fell to the invincible mercy of God, often touching the holy throne, and the grace of God defeated all the many temptations of the devil in me, the wounds of my soul were healed, my soul was pacified, and revived, and reconciled with God; I left the church pardoned, healed, and comforted. Glory to the infinite mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ! According to my deeds, such a temptation was allowed to me by the Lord for my gluttony and wine drinking (at the Markovs and in the house of Murashov Gerasim at the Oleinikovs from Anastasia Osipova). How the soul weakens and becomes decrepit from intemperance! Terrible! But I’m still numb: I continue to feast on food and drink wine at someone else’s expense! They call me diligently, I thought. Who should you please - God or people? God calls for abstinence, for incorruption, and people – for corruption, just as they themselves are enslaved to corruption. And why am I afraid of so many incense? He is so nice and healthy. Are there clothes or jewelry on the bank? Enough for my lifetime. And the smoke does not remain forever, but disappears soon. What to fear? After mass. The greatest sorrow came to me from the temptations of the enemy throughout the mass, especially at the end: first, coldness and deadness of heart, loss of spirit, lack of warmth, cheerfulness, energy, courage, extreme painful irritability from every trifle, embitterment, terrible pressure on the heart of Satan, despondency, shame, not daring to look at the people, crowdedness, darkness. I received communion in cramped conditions, but thank God! I believe, Lord... pronounced for the pregnant woman cheerfully, loudly, with boldness; then the extra smoke from the censer and the altar watchman’s inattention to my orders regarding the censer upset me extremely, and I could not read the prayer behind the pulpit and say dismissal. I was completely embarrassed and ashamed, fell into misfortune and spiritual death, but through strong repentance and faith and the mercy of the Lord I got rid of the mouth of the dragon that swallowed me up. Why is this trouble? From yesterday's gluttony and satiety with wine drinking and from addiction to bodily health and worldly things, from impatience, pride and anger. During Matins there is a difficult struggle with evil spirits at the beginning and throughout the duration of Matins; At the end of the canon, by the grace of God, repentance and the prayer of faith, I overcame my anger towards the reader Michael (because of his and my own fussiness) and calmed down, received boldness and integrity in the rest of the service. The Lord Almighty, who has fulfilled everything with His word and will bring to fruition everything that is able, and who cannot be called into existence, but who exists [Rom. 4:17], prayed today earnestly and with boldness to surprise His spiritual, gracious and material bounties in the House of Diligence (standing before the Holy Mysteries, I prayed - before this miracle of miracles, where bread and wine are transformed forever by the Almighty with a wave into the most pure Body and Blood of the Lamb of God), for we suffer considerable poverty after spending all the sums on building a house, and the work of the poor is not paid, and they do not get enough or very little for lodging for the night. Yes it will! Hey, amen! Twelve o'clock in the afternoon. After mass. With the holy and powerful hand with which He creates and moves in me through communion. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the hellish oppression that befell me for my anger at the poor boys who pestered [me] when I was going to the post office, and the Lord took away the guilt and punishment for guilt from me, changed my heart from evil to good, from troubled to peaceful, from oppressed to spacious, and in this grace and in this memory and in the feeling of God’s salvation I served mass and shed tears tenderness; He served without stumbling, with boldness. During vespers, the smoke that came into the church from the burning stoves was very hard for me; I was embarrassed by the guards and with great difficulty said the litanies, especially the severe ones, I shortened them, snatched them away, and was wounded. But the Lord accepted repentance and had mercy on me, who was falling. After very difficult, fiery temptations from the evil spirits, the Lord visited me with His great mercy, delivering me from the villainy of the enemy (at the midnight office, a watchman in smoky clothes came up to me on the salt - this upset me). I said the great litany with difficulty, but I read the canon with great animation and all the small litanies. He spoke pleadingly and urgently without stumbling, freely, calmly. Glory to the grace of God, delivering, saving, pacifying, strengthening. During the liturgy, he was in a suffering state, excited (during a very sluggish reading of the Gospel by Deacon Nicholas, he was upset), after the Great Entrance he was embarrassed, but he begged the Lord - and he reconciled. I received life-giving communion, defeated invisible enemies who strongly rebelled against me, and read the prayer behind the pulpit without stumbling by the grace of Christ, but - oh, temptation! Oh, the wickedness and malice of the devil! - on his release, he filled me with anger at some woman (like the widow of Alex. Sergeevich or Philip Stepanov, who seemed suspicious to me regarding his goodwill towards me), and I could not speak, I was ashamed and for a long time I could not overcome the invisible enemies who tormented me, although I prayed and repented. Lesson: we must love everyone without hypocrisy, without hypocrisy, as members of Jesus Christ – and even our enemies themselves. By consuming the Holy Gifts, all enemies are defeated by the grace of Christ. At Vespers, at the brief litany and dismissal, the enemies again deposed me, wounded me, killed me, but through repentance and tears I got rid of their confusion and torment, killing, and rose up, took courage, corrected myself, dared, and won. After Vespers, I became angry with the beggars because of their multitude [...] because they surrounded me and did not allow me passage; he kicked one, knocked him to the ground near Gostiny Dvor - and through this he died in soul again, again began to repent at home, and then deliberately went into the cathedral - to venerate the Holy Altar in repentance, and the Most Merciful and Generous One forgave my sin of hard-heartedness and malice and gave me peace and freedom. Then, at a prayer service in Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street in the Orlovskaya house (in a kennel), the enemy severely stammered and did not allow freedom of speech, but by strengthening the invocation of the name of the Lord in repentance, he defeated the enemies. Oh, worldly passions! How they separate us from God and shamefully enslave us to the enemy! At the christening of Pavel Gavrilov (godfather of [Brusov] Evgeniy Vasilyevich’s wife), the enemies fought hard, but I strongly resisted and served very loudly; in the end he succumbed to the enemies, their fierce insults (because of the scarf). He could not pronounce the litany and dismissal, he was wounded, he died in soul, but after the baptism, through unremitting hope and prayer, he was delivered from the demonic plagues by the grace of Christ and was at peace. Glory to the Lord, who makes me victorious over invisible enemies. The priest, through the ineffable generosity of Christ God, is vouchsafed a whole sea of ​​God's grace through the frequent communion of the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ and through the performance of other Sacraments. From him everyone should draw the grace of Christ in abundance, and he should take care by all means to spread it wider and wider, and not keep it only in himself, much less not abuse it through his own unworthy life or silence, that is, by not preaching the word of God to the people. Woe to me if I do not preach the gospel! - says the Apostle [1 Cor.9:16]. He must live worthy of such grace, multiply it as a talent given by God for the salvation and bliss of him and the people of God and for the glory of God. Otherwise, he may not only lose it, but also be seriously condemned. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who showed me the conqueror against invisible enemies during Matins and gave me the grace with solemn sincerity and joy to read and sing the canons of the pre-celebration of the Entry into the Church of the Most Holy Theotokos and Gregory Decapolitus and Proclus, Patriarch of Constantinople, especially the canon and prayers for the communion of the laity. I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free and life-giving celebration of the Liturgy, the non-judgmental, life-giving communion of myself and the laity with the stumbling-free reading of prayers. I believe, Lord... Thy Supper... May it not be judged... Six o'clock in the evening. I triumph with joy of spirit the complete victory of God’s goodness over the malice of the devil and our humanity for my repentance and prayer from a contrite heart in the apartment of Ya[kov] Markov (visiting). My wife quarreled with her niece Rufina, and I fought with her for the unreasonable and impudent treatment of a twelve-year-old child - and I was greatly wounded and died from the act of malice, but I begged the Lord and came to life. Ten o'clock in the evening. Again I commemorate God’s greatest salvation for me, when I walked along Narvskaya Street in sincere repentance for the malice I committed against a beggar boy on Posadskaya Street. The Lord delivered me from confusion and spiritual storm and from hellish tightness and gave me peace, silence, boldness with justification, lightness. Presentation of the Blessed Virgin Mary into the church. In the morning lethargy, coldness, drowsiness, laziness. While reading the Gospel, the disembodied sly and evil serpent cut me in the heart, killed it and did not allow me to utter words about the greatness of the Mother of God and the holiness of the name of God and aroused in me the greatest zeal for the glory of the name of God. And I read the canons and sang them, as well as the stichera on the praises, with the greatest animation and zeal, having previously received through prayer forgiveness for the sin of cowardice and stumbling silence of certain words of the Gospel. Then the mercy and help of God on dismissal before the prayer of Christ, the true Light... During early mass, at the beginning there is extreme mortification from ethereal enemies; Through intense prayer to the Lord, by frequently falling to the Holy Altar, I received deliverance, revival, space, peace, and boldness. During the remembrance, my nose began to bleed in a stream - wiping with a handkerchief and saying names was awkward; passed. Then, at the great entrance, abundant tears with the greatest awareness of one’s weakness and sinfulness and tenderness. I was drowning in tears. Then everything was successful by the grace of God - communion, the prayer behind the pulpit, and the sermon. I stole my leave involuntarily out of embarrassment. When reading the Gospel, with the words of the sucker, even if you pissed [Luke 11:27], there is an evil and unclean thought, wounding, tightness, powerlessness; Having repented, he received freedom and space. At Dančić’s prayer service, especially after the prayer service, at the tea table, there was the great mercy of God through secret prayer: the enemy brought terrible melancholy and despondency, cowardice. I drove away the melancholy with prayer. I thank the Lord for the grace of forgiveness and cleansing of my sins and for the good change (out of anger towards the sexton Bystryakov for not notifying the Duma church watchman Nikolai about the mass for Philip [Veshkurtsev]), then for deliverance from the addiction to the sweets of my heart, which arose during the mass, which is a most heavenly service, a ministry of incorruptibility and immortality. I thank the Lord for the abundant tears of tenderness during the liturgy after the great entrance, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and for the prayer behind the pulpit and for the dismissal, for the entire life-giving service. Letters must be taken to the post office. I thank the Lord for the suppression and purification of voluptuous lust yesterday after a conversation in the government outbuilding in Pesochnaya Street, when the female sex, who so lovingly listened to the reading about the earthly life of the Mother of God, lovingly escorted me to the extreme, and kissed me on the back of my clothes. O man, do not attach your heart to any beautiful or expensive, valuable earthly thing and do not make an idol of your heart out of it, for through addiction to things or persons, the human heart falls away from God and grace, the soul is deprived of peace, tranquility, light, freedom, dignity, importance and greatness, befitting it as created in the image of God. All things, like faces, are perishable, dust and ashes, although they have a beautiful image, [relatively priced], and soft and magnificent, and they corrupt the soul, darken, freeze, kill, plunge into grief and misfortune. The soul, not tied to anything earthly, is free, calm, burning with love for God and neighbors, thirsting for its own and human salvation, truth, holiness, assignment to God, eternal life and bliss. Be indifferent, man, to everything earthly as perishable; read clearly and loudly the words written on every thing: decay, dust, dust, insignificance. Addiction to earthly things plunges the soul into shameful slavery, blindness, nakedness, poverty, shame, and damnation. How did the saints of God become holy, strong, keen-eyed, great, blessed? Contempt for everything earthly and striving for the heavenly and Divine. How are they so different from us? Because they were heavenly and we were earthly. They were earthly Angels and heavenly people, they glowed with love for God, like candles glow before their icons, and they burned and smelt like fragrant censer, with holiness, truth, humility, kindness, dispassion, patience, devotion to God. They possessed the light of God, the wisdom given by God, which taught them to see the corruption and insignificance of everything earthly, earthly treasures, earthly pleasure, earthly vanity glory, earthly beauty - and the abiding, eternity of heavenly blessings, incorruptible heavenly treasures, heavenly pleasure, heavenly glory and beauty. He who is partial to earthly goods in his blindness despises God, the love of God and all the wonderful, glorious and terrible economy of His salvation for us: His incarnation for us, His Divine teaching and the miracles of His power and mercy, His suffering, death and burial for us, resurrection and ascension, the grace of His Holy Spirit sent down to the Church and His life-giving grace, regenerating, renewing, cleansing sins, sanctifying, enlightening, justifying, comforting, strengthening, adopting and appropriating to God; does not value serving God; glorification, thanksgiving, repentance, heartfelt contrition for sins; everyone is given over to sin and becomes a slave of sin and an adversary to God. This is how harmful consequences addiction to earthly things, pleasures, earthly honor and glory produces in the soul. Woe to those who despise the highest and most saving sacrament of the Incarnation of God, the grace of repentance, the Blood of the New Testament, shed for us, and the Body, broken for us, the grace of reconciliation, justification, appropriation by God. Woe to those who are at enmity with God, when He so strongly and constantly calls for reconciliation with Him in repentance. An adulterous and sinful world! Why are you at enmity against your God? Why are you stuck in sins? People! Why have you clung to the shadow, to decay, to beauty? By the grace of God, A.V. Murashov served early mass with great tenderness and abundant tears; I read the prayer behind the pulpit loudly, slowly; You missed those glorify, and then began to read rarely and corrected himself, defeating the invisible hesitator; At the thanksgiving service I rarely read the Gospel, almost everything was calm. The canon at Matins was read clearly, with feeling, very loudly, glorifying the Mother of God and the holy noble prince Alexander. Was in the school of trusteeship; Arriving home, I fell asleep; After sleep I ate sweet and sour bread with tea. I went to the gymnasium, hiding from the beggars, and they caught up with me; I was annoyed and secretly angry, reluctantly, with embitterment, I gave nickels and for this I was punished with severe three-hour grief, constraint and extreme constraint of thought and speech in the classroom. My soul was extremely tight; I repented for a long time, shrank, and only as I approached the birthday boy Murashov’s house from the gymnasium, I freed myself somewhat from the invisible fighting enemies. Sleeping during the day is harmful for me, especially having a snack with tea. After early mass. Yesterday I was quite voluptuous, pleasing my belly, I ate sweetly and contentedly and drank good wine (the table at the birthday boy Murashov’s was made of rich fish); Then at Zakharia Sidorov’s I ate a lot of fruit and drank wine, snacking on magnificent salmon. And so, according to the unchangeable law of consequences, today my heart was extremely weak and my spirit was weak; the fight against me by invisible enemies is arrogant, successful, the reproach and humiliation internal from them is the strongest; By the grace of God and tears of repentance, I got rid of their snares. Tears profusely during mass. So, according to the immutable law of consequences, from gluttony and wine drinking the heart becomes extremely weakened, prone to all sorts of passions, becomes weak for sincere prayer, becomes covered with the aphids of passions, is highly susceptible to the attacks of the devil, suffers ridicule from him, and mortal distress. I send glory to God for the great deliverance from arrogant, violent, unclean and blasphemous intrigues during Alex’s prayer service. Fedorovich Fedorov (in Neustroev’s house) through my secret prayer; Markov suffered from the same impudent, sharp deceits during the prayer service and after the prayer service. I thank the Lord, who gave me His help to freely, easily, peacefully, without stumbling, to perform a prayer service at Ekaterina Stepanovna’s (in the Motlyvs’ house) after a plentiful meal at the Markovs’ (birthday girl Ekaterina). Holy Martyr Clement, Pope of Rome, and Peter of Alexandria. I thank the Lord, who by the grace of His infirmity has granted me to freely, peacefully, easily, without stumbling, pray with Maria Filippovna Yashchechkova (Kovina) at seven o’clock in the morning and teach her the Holy Mysteries. The enemy was tempted by the smoke of incense and the empty fear that the cross (freshly gilded) would become sooty, but by the grace of God I considered gold on a par with the clay of the paths and did not put my heart to it - and thereby got rid of embarrassment, tightness, and sinful death of the heart. But then the enemy attacked from the other side, cutting me off with the sting of doubt regarding the Holy Mysteries taught to the sick; grief and distress from this blasphemy of the godless demon struck my soul: I prayed repentantly in Kovina’s apartment for deliverance from the violence and deceit of the demon and, walking along the road, I prayed in the distress of my heart. Finally, in church, I fell earnestly to the holy altar with a prayer for deliverance, and immediately the heart ulcer was healed, I calmed down, was comforted, my heart expanded and came to life. God bless! On the twenty-seventh, twenty-sixth and twenty-fifth I was in St. Petersburg. They received me everywhere with love, like an Angel of God, asking for prayers for those who received me. Glory and thanksgiving to God, who wins the hearts of good people towards me. Former medical student. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the possession of a passionate demon in Voronina’s (Evgenia Andreevna) apartment before the funeral service. He showed his unmercifulness and hardness of heart towards the poor when he went to the funeral service. I thank the Lord for the wondrous renewal by His grace during Sunday Matins and the Liturgy; Through many struggles and tearful prayer I acquired the grace of renewal. He sang and read the verses and canons enthusiastically, animatedly, loudly, especially the canons of the Sunday, the Resurrection of the Cross and the Mother of God. But at the end of the all-night vigil, the invisible and crafty fisherman and trickster, the devil, caught me in the absolution and prayer of Christ, the true Light, after which he tormented me for a long time with relaxation, coldness, and his hellish bonds, even before the Gospel; During the Gospel, I sensed freedom and spaciousness, life in my soul, and until that time, every now and then I fell with a painful and constrained soul to the holy throne. After the Gospel and especially after the great entrance, the soul warmed up, abundant tears of tenderness and sublime feelings appeared, heartfelt prayer for everyone and everything; received life-giving communion, read the prayer behind the pulpit loudly, with repentance for the devil’s violence and fear of the final doxology of the prayer; he stole his leave and suffered for it. At the prayer service I didn’t finish the Gospel for a bit, and again there was torment. By using the Holy Gifts, I got rid of all the intrigues. Slept at home after mass. I was almost late for the communion’s speech on the report on the construction of the House of Diligence. The machinations of the enemy bothered me before and after reading. Walking home, I was in hellish cramped conditions; At home I prayed earnestly with repentance, and the Lord gave peace and freedom. I thank the Lord. Your hearts are disposed to love, love is natural to you. Give this love a good, holy direction and flow, turn it to God - the inexhaustible source of true, pure, incorruptible, eternal, all-encompassing, endless love - and to your neighbor as a member of the one body of humanity, especially to your neighbors of the same faith as members of the one body of Christ, or His Holy Church, which is His Body [Eph. 1:23], - and you will be eternally blessed by your love. Bear generously the temptations of your love and for the sake of temptations, which are often very difficult for you, do not fall away from it, as from an invaluable, eternal, life treasure. Reject earthly love, muddy, unclean, carnal, dreamy, passionate, charming, partial and hypocritical, corrupting the soul and body, love for earthly treasures, decorations, harmful pleasures that disappear like a dream and leave confusion, discontent, emptiness, bitterness, coldness and deadness in the soul. This morning I did a great stupidity, very harmful: I ate fried perch fish with black bread, without having to, and thereby burdened myself (I only ate a small slice - and that was hard). I walked deliberately to help digestion. Don't be stupid in future. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the merciful deliverance after repentance and by virtue of my repentant secret prayer to the Lord (in the gymnasium) from the sorrow and hardship that befell me worthily for unmercifulness, hard-heartedness, severity and obstinacy towards the poor and contempt for them when they asked me for alms (decently dressed, who came out of the hospital lopsided and the other - crooked). I thank you for the peace and joy the Lord has given to my unworthiness. I thank the Lord, who took away from my heart again (by virtue of faith and fervent secret prayer with falling to the Holy Altar (Peter’s Chapel) for the all-night vigil on the church holiday) the confusion, excitement, crampedness, sorrow that struck me as a result of the bickering of my comrade Father Peter Klepachevsky over the people’s reading on the holiday in the House of Diligence; It almost came to a big quarrel in the Pokrovsky altar. I thank the Lord, who shook away from my heart all the trouble into which the devil wanted to bring us. Teach me, Lord, constant calm, quietness, gentleness, self-control, reign over passions, may You reign in me, O most peaceful King. Because of addictions, because of idols of the heart, of which we have many, how often do we become indignant, offend and sadden the Spirit of God given to us, and are deprived of the grace-filled state of righteousness, gentleness, purity, peace and boldness, subjected to the dominion of sin, confusion, bitterness, impurity of heart and deprived of the Kingdom of God within ourselves, seeing with horror, feeling the kingdom of Satan within. God! You are the only vital, inalienable, eternal, all-satisfied treasure of our hearts! Having You alone in us, in our hearts is enough for our complete and eternal bliss. You are our peace, light, our truth, strength, glory, wealth of deification. You are sweetness and bliss that endures forever and ever. He was repeatedly subjected to the murderous violence of sin before mass, during mass (before prayers and during prayers in the twelfth room of the Caroli House and in guardianship), demonic confusion and darkness of mind and heart (failure to pronounce the words and utterances of prayers and litanies and exclamations); also, during mass, I was often subjected to a murderous coldness, numbness of the heart, but thanks to the infinite mercy of the Lord and secret, inner, tearful repentance for my countless sins, I was visited by the life-giving, premium, sweet grace of the Holy Spirit, cleansing my sins, sanctifying, pacifying, renewing my accursed, poor, naked, condemned soul. And before communion and after communion of the Holy Mysteries, I was wonderfully renewed, rejoiced, it was so easy and sweet for me! Glory to the Lord! Why do we often sing, Lord, have mercy! Because we are fallen beings, constantly sinning and angering our Lord and are worthy of all condemnation and punishment at all times, and all the blessings that we have and ask for, we have by the grace of God, and not by our deeds and merits, and we ask as the mercy of God, and not as due or rightfully belonging to us. Thus, these short prayers teach constant self-condemnation, repentance, humility, correction, trust in the mercy of God, mercy towards others, remembrance of the righteous judgment of God and retribution for the deeds of each of us. The prayer Give, Lord, inspires us that we absolutely have nothing of our own, except for a multitude of sins, and we receive everything from God freely, freely, by His mercy, and therefore we must humbly ask Him for all our needs and immediately thank Him for the benefits received. And the words to You, Lord, after being expressed to ourselves and to each other, and to give up our whole life to Christ our God, inspire us with constant and perfect devotion to Jesus Christ throughout our entire life, in all needs, temptations, deprivations, and insults from people. At a dinner with the mayor and the church warden, I became light-hearted [for the first time], and it was hard for me all day, and I lost my appetite for everything; It’s true that I ate quite a lot, although not to the point of being completely full. No more eating fast food during Lent. And I ate a pie with fish and eggs in quick oil, fish with sauce in quick oil, fried fish and jelly (lean from fruit). But for me I need very little. Osten (Old Russian) – thorn, point. Glass (Church Slavic) – alabaster vessel. Krastel (Church Slavic) – quail. Prayer for the sick, troparion, tone 4. The Kronstadt House of Diligence was built in memory of Emperor Alexander II (1818–1881). Vladimir Karlovich Sabler (1845–1929), from 1883 to 1893 was the manager of the office of the Holy Synod, then until 1905 - a fellow chief prosecutor, and in 1911–1915, chief prosecutor. Baron Otto Ottovich Buxhoeveden (1839–1907) – Lutheran, jurist. In 1881, he was elected chairman of the commission to raise funds for the establishment of the House of Diligence in Kronstadt. Seriously studied the structure of workhouses in European countries. In subsequent years, he founded a number of charitable institutions in Russia, including orphanages and Houses of Diligence for the educated. The darkness of those (church glory) is countless (darkness is ten thousand). Creation (church glory) – re-creation, renewal. Rejoice, Head of mental creation [Russian: Rejoice, Originator of spiritual rebirth] (Akathist to the Most Holy Theotokos, ikos 10). Approaching (Church Glav.) – running up.