Июль 1882 г.

Morning. Treats on the eve of the liturgy, especially early ones, are extremely harmful to the soul: the soul dies, deprived of the grace of God, and in order to be resurrected to spiritual life, an extraordinary act of God’s grace is needed, reviving the dead soul, but this act is performed under great temptations and struggles, with tearful repentance for sins committed. This is what happened during the service of Midnight Office and Matins: I was defeated and killed by ethereal enemies (out of grief at the abbot for his cunning in collecting with the cross: I collected only seven rubles on the mountain instead of twenty-five or thirty rubles); Before the sixth psalm, I could not calm down, and during the Great Litany the powerlessness of my heart continued and I could not utter certain exclamations. Then, while reading sedals, poems and canons, he became stronger and more revived, and served well to the end. At early mass there was again coldness and spiritual deadness, only the communion of the Holy Mysteries revived and strengthened the spirit. I read the pulpit with feeling, without stumbling, and also the dismissal. At Vespers there are obstacles and struggles; special loudness in spite of enemies, disgusting and silent. At Compline at the litany, he was embarrassed and crushed it, he was wounded; He begged the Lord and received mercy and left in peace. At Tretyakova’s prayer service, the enemy attacked her tenant with hostility, the wife of a fellow countryman, [the clerk] of an English office, for not accepting her with a cross and not paying her money. I begged the Lord to free me from hostility, but finally the accursed one crushed me again before the end of the prayer service. Then I again repented of the devil’s hatred - and was pardoned. How many pernicious passions I have! And all because there is no Christian love in the heart, covering everything, never falling away. Have mercy on me, Lord! In the Cross, the sign of which we depict on ourselves, all the immeasurable love of God for us was reflected, all of His exhaustion for our sake, all of His infinite merit before the Heavenly Father, all of His formidable power regarding the demons with which He, our Lord, fought with the weapon of the Cross and whom He defeated with the Cross. Therefore, it is a beautiful, worthy and righteous habit to be marked by the cross, and blessed are those who signify themselves with it with faith and reverence. The ethereal villain and murderer terribly tempted and wounded me at the end of Matins (at the great doxology) with anger at the widow Postnikova through one glance at her (I thought it was her, but I was mistaken: the one I saw was Alexandra Ivanovna Tretyakova); from the terrible remorse of the devil, I was embarrassed, frightened and could not speak the strict and pleading litanies, crumpled them up and was in terrible agony, from which I was somewhat relieved at the service of the first hour after repentance and falling to the throne. But even then, after Matins, walking in the cathedral garden, I was tormented by the consequences of anger, the thorn of the devil was in me. I could not bear it, I went to the cathedral, venerated the Holy Altar in repentance, and the Lord healed me according to the abundance of His mercy. But what is this Postnikova? She is a very serious woman, unaffectionate, not smiling when greeting her - that’s all; It didn’t please my pride and ambition. I repent, Lord! I must love everyone without distinction, even my enemies. Fill my heart with unfeigned love, Lord! Since 31 you are in the image and likeness of God, and God is completely good, simple, holy, then you try to be completely good, not for a moment allowing evil, deceit, or untruth to reach your heart and thoughts; Always be zealous for goodness and truth, hate malice and untruth, feel sorry for those who sin, but do not harbor malice towards them, which is a fiend of the devil and which cannot correct anyone or make anyone good; do not indulge in evil and untruth, unbelief, blasphemy. Serving God requires: 1) a pure heart, 2) attention, delving into oneself, understanding oneself and people, one’s own and their purpose, responsibilities or duty, needs, needs; reading, singing prayers, supplications, rituals; ardent love for God and neighbors as members and co-members of Christ and the Church of Christ, reasonable feeling and communication with everyone. After mass. I thank the Lord, who revived me with the communion of the Holy Mysteries: before communion I was extremely weak physically and morally from an upset stomach, a minor cold and lack of sleep. At the prayer service for the blessing of water, I was upset by the abundance of incense and, in extreme embarrassment and cramped by the enemy, I read the prayer for the blessing of water (with large involuntary abbreviations) and barely finished; The watchman Procopius was indignant - he just wanted to scold him. One must leave these whims aside and be indifferent to such an accident. All my passion, excessive concern for preserving health and things - vestments and other things, the whiteness and cleanliness of the church. We glorify and thank the Lord with our souls and bodies not only in this life, but we will glorify and sing of Him with grateful voices in the future life, which has no end, and here we only begin the highest and purest pleasure of God’s praise. There we will sing His praises together with the Angels. If in this life only we hope in Christ, then we are the most miserable of all people [1 Cor. 15:19]. For this, glory to the Lord, who has granted us here joyfully and solemnly to glorify Him, and His Most Pure Mother, and the Heavenly Powers, and His holy friends - the patriarchs, prophets, apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and all saints. Morning. The whole night I had a strong itching all over my body because in the evening I ate canned salmon with a bun and drank sherry wine. There was no need to eat, and never in the evening [not to eat], for the body is full of vital principles, the seed is never spent by the grace of God. Lesson for the future. May Thy will be done in me, Lord, perfect, holy, good, wise, saving, blessed, instead of my will - sinful, evil, blind, insane, disastrous, unhappy. After Matins. I thank the Lord for the victorious completion of the Matins by the grace of Christ and for the stumbling-free reading of the rules for communion to the communicants. Nine o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for the removal of extremely prodigal tension, accomplished through the sign of the cross. I thank the Lord for the gift of the stumbling-free celebration of the Liturgy and the uncondemned communion of the Divine Mysteries, both by me and by the parishioners. Former temptations from the side of the precious pectoral cross and from the side of the abundance of incense in the censer during the funeral service were defeated by diligent, reasonable repentance and prayer, and I am at peace. After mass and dinner, while in my kindergarten, I sinned by committing adultery and lost peace, tranquility, righteousness, hurting my soul and heart, but, having fervently repented three and four times and making a promise to love only the Lord God, I received forgiveness, permission and peace and fell asleep sweetly on the prepared bed in the gazebo. Oh, what bliss it is to have a right spirit and a clear conscience! What torment, what a shame to carry within yourself an evil conscience and a guilty soul, an unclean heart! Oh, let me, Lord, always be right and always be with You! Grant me to love You with all my heart, with all my soul, with all my thoughts undividedly, without giving even an iota or a moment of room for sin. Grant me to be right always and in everything and to have an immaculate body and soul. Amen. Away with the lust of the eyes and the lust of the flesh with the pride of life, away with the pleasures of the flesh, which removes me from God. I thank the Lord for the prayer service I served with great boldness and sincerity at the teacher Nikolai Viktorovich Petrov on [...] the occasion of our wedding anniversary; His wife, Alexandra Ivanovna, is a very kind woman, but she lives meagerly. Always humble yourself so that prayer, mental and external, domestic and public, passes through the heart, through feeling, through consciousness. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who gave me bitter tears of repentance during the all-night vigil (which was served by Father Peter Klepachevsky), during the reading of the wondrous canon and akathist to the Sweetest Jesus, the canon to the Most Holy Theotokos and the holy Guardian Angel. Thank you for a well served memorial service for slave God's Joachim, a peasant in Karpov's house, apartment No. 4. Resurrection. Seventh week after Pentecost. I thank the Lord for the abundant tears of tenderness given to me for my repentance during early mass in the Assumption Church, for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and the grateful, non-stumbling, without fear of the enemy reading of the prayer behind the pulpit. After mass, there was a temptation for self-interest: why did the Father Superior walk little with the cross on St. Peter’s Day and bestow only seven rubles instead of twenty-five or more, as usually happened. All the way to the prayer service on Knyazheskaya Street there was crowding and confusion; at the prayer service there was some weakening of the enemy’s crowd, after the prayer there was again pressure and grief; in Karpov’s house, lithium over the late peasant Joachim is careless, in confusion and cramped conditions, with the silence of many expressions and saving release; after the litia, secret repentance on the knees, forgiveness and peace; at Nikolai Vasiliev’s prayer service everything is fine, in the end there is a confusion of the enemy - after a secret prayer of repentance, forgiveness, peace and great mercy. Glory to You, Lord, my hope, my mercy, On this day I was at the Vetvenitskys’ wedding, then visiting Mrs. Ratch. Was at the Sergius Monastery near St. Petersburg at the mass celebrated by His Eminence Leonty, Archbishop of Kholm and Warsaw 32. I was at the fraternal meal, then with my comrade Preobrazhensky at the dacha, then arrived in Kronstadt at eleven o’clock. It is urgently necessary to explain the divine service [to parishioners] in simple conversations day by day and week based on the Lord’s Prayer, and to address them in the explanation as children of God (children). Explain the liturgy in especially lively, strong words, then the festive and Lenten services. The Lord gave numerous, wisely, purely, unblemished bodily organs, not for bliss and corruption or defilement, but for holiness and truth, for life and incorruptibility and for giving thanks to the Lord in souls and bodies. The body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body... Glorify God both in your bodies and in your souls [1 Cor. 6:13,20]. In order not to be tempted by sin through thoughts, imagination and memory, through sight and hearing or touch, you do not need to wander your gaze and stare at bodily beauty, at women’s outfits, at gold and silver and precious stones, but as often as possible let your heart’s eyes open to the original, uncreated, incorruptible, all-guilty beauty of God, then to the incorruptible, eternal beauty of the soul The Lady of the Mother of God, holy angels of all ranks and holy saints of God. Earthly beauty, like grass, like a withered flower, dies quickly and is destroyed. Addiction to corruption produces corruption of the soul, its death, for it removes it from God, deprives it of God’s grace. How to reconcile these two circumstances with each other: firstly, our sincere confession of countless sins, voluntary and involuntary, in our squalor, insignificance, weakness, lasciviousness and, secondly, our desire for earthly rewards, precious crosses, our zeal for expensive, magnificent clothes? Is there harmony here? And if we remember that the Son of God lived on earth in our poverty for the sake of salvation, not having anywhere to lay his head [Matthew 8:20; Luke 9:58 ], and crucified for us, stripped of all clothing, torn, wounded - what will we then say about our exquisite jewelry? Everything beautiful, sweet, noble, precious on earth is like a disappearing dream, like smoke and steam, dust and ashes. Man, created in the image of God, must strive for heaven, for eternal life, for spiritual, enduring blessings. Christ God draws us there, He Himself solemnly ascended there, showing us the way, He calls us all there, the apostles, hierarchs, martyrs are called there, who testified to the truth of the future life with thousands of deaths for Christ. After an early mass for the repose of my parents. I thank and glorify the Lord, who again and again surprised me with His infinite mercy and His Divine life-giving power, and during Matins before the canon, which, by the grace of my Christ, I read and sang with delight, and especially before mass and at the beginning of it regarding the temptation of greed, why didn’t the sexton send for me [...] to the memorial service for old lady Skrypleva, but for Father Paul, and from regret that, by omitting a good income, I seem to forget that the Lord Himself is an eternal, inexhaustible treasure, from which all benefits are poured out to me endlessly, which is where I stopped, which saved me, and calmed me down, and gave me hope. He performed the Liturgy with great animation and solemn calm from beginning to end, received Holy Communion in a life-giving manner, and pronounced his dismissal calmly. Glory to the Lord! Wednesday. I wholeheartedly and wholeheartedly thank the Lord for deliverance, firstly, from the painful movement of anger and disdain for the widow Anna Gerasimovna, who asked me for brochures of my anniversary (instead of leaflets of speech); she asked in the church garden; there I became angry and wounded, and in the church during Matins I repented deeply, repeatedly falling to the holy throne, and received truly great and rich mercy from the Lord: the resolution of my sins, peace, freedom, boldness (the canons of the Cross, the Mother of God, St. Thomas and Acacius - to the gentle, living and after death and who says that obedience does not die, I read magnificently by the grace of God, heartily, generously, loudly). I thank the Lord for the new greatest deliverance through deep and earnest prayer of repentance from the extreme inclination in the heart and in the flesh that arose at the time when the widow Anna Gerasimovna began to be very affectionate towards me in her repentance and hug my knees. Oh, what a hellish monster this sin is! How many teeth, deadly stings! Lessons on worship should be prepared in the form of simple, sincere conversations between the father and the children. This method is the best of all. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy today to participate in the cathedral service and to partake of the life-giving, most pure and immortal Mysteries. During mass it was extremely difficult for me physically, there was constant yawning, languor ([...] and I served without it), a tendency to sleep; It turned out later that this was before a strong thunderstorm and torrential rain, poured out from the mercy of God for the benefit of all earthly creatures and us sinners. It started raining at five o'clock and continued for an hour, pouring down, thunder and dazzling lightning. Thanks be to the Lord both for the gifts of goodness and for the gifts of nature! And it was so hot for several days! All the people were drenched in sweat, and day and night there was no escape from the heat - thirty and thirty-five degrees according to Reaumur 33! Next Sunday, a sermon about Divine Providence in preparing for earthly creatures, especially humans, the fruits of the earth, grains in physical nutrition, in restoration, cleansing and sanctification, revitalization of our fallen nature through the life-giving meat of the Body and Blood of Christ and about the greatness of God’s love in these Sacraments. After an early mass, which I specially celebrated for the communicants. I thank the Lord, who at the very beginning delivered me from the mental and physical distress that followed my grief at the poor; then from crampedness over the blessed view of the roundness of women's breasts, then at the end of the mass from crampedness about the sexton singing very drawn out About the Name of the Lord... Lord, have mercy, then from crampedness and confusion about timidity when reading the prayer behind the pulpit and then dismissal, which was not all said; also regarding the communion of one like the nun Agathia, with whom he was upset because she had been living here for a long time and that she had an unattractive face. O wickedness! Oh, dislike! Oh, vanity! Oh, pride! Oh, malice! For a long time I suffered from this in a murderous way, finally, outside the city near Gvozdeva, after a prayer service, the Lord set me free and drove away the devil, who had inspired anger in me against the nun. At a prayer service in the house [...] the enemy stopped with the thought of money, that a small part should be taken from the poor, and he greatly offended; I suffered for a long time, and finally the Lord let me go. Friday. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace of boldness and strength to overcome my adversaries during the singing of the requiem for the servant of God Maria Ermolaevna [Estafieva] in the evening, at six o’clock. What a triumph, what joy of spirit after the gracious performance of the service! Both today and yesterday, the Lord repeatedly showed His mercy and power in me by calling on His sweetest, all-saving, all-redeeming name! Sin is insolent, insolent, persistent, stubborn, absurd, blind, insane, flattering, and destructive. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to carry out without stumbling the reading and singing of the canons and stichera, and especially the liturgy in the cemetery church for the servant of God Maria Ermolaevna [Estafieva]; I thank you for the victories in the name of the Lord - for the victories after the removal, when there was tightness in my heart from not speaking from the fear of the demonic all the words of the litanies and exclamations, then in the cemetery church before mass about prodigal dreams. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who revived me several times today during early mass, when I was killed by my sins and the murderous serpent (at the beginning of mass and before the Gospel). I thank the Lord, who has given me tears of tenderness, and unfailing service (excluding the prayer behind the pulpit), and the grace of life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries; Thank you for the edifying word I composed the night before midnight. I thank the Lord for performing the Sacrament of Baptism over a Jewish woman, for performing several prayers without stumbling, and for performing the Sacrament of Baptism over a baby (at Smirnov). I thank the Lord for extinguishing carnal lust before and during and after the christening of a Jewish woman, a beautiful maiden; Thank you for every possible preservation from sin. And henceforth, O Lord, completely preserve the incorruptible and holy King of creatures. At the end of the proskomedia, the death of the heart occurred as a result of the pity of the blue sacristan, as if he had not gotten dirty from the smoking incense, and after repentance for this absurd addiction, the Lord had mercy - he delivered him from cramped conditions and darkness. I thank the Lord, who solemnly delivered me from sinful death on the way to the Prussians, when I was approaching the house where they live (Kalmykova). Oh, what a great happiness for a person - justification in the Lord from sins and a right spirit in the womb with a clear conscience! What peace, what fullness of life in the soul! It was at ten o'clock, at the end. When I got home I was tempted again. Only through a prayer of repentance and the sign of the cross did I get rid of lust. And he was embarrassed, and lost his freedom, boldness, strength, and fell from God and His grace. The most terrible property of any sin is that it alienates and removes one from God and constantly drags a person into destruction. It takes a lot of faith, hope, love, attention, patience, humility, and kindness in order to overcome the opposite current of sin within oneself, to overcome passions and sinful habits that have taken root through long-term habituation. After Matins. Now in my apartment the Lord had mercy on me with the greatest mercy: he delivered me from the storm, cramped conditions and fire of sin that befell me for being angry with a beggar, for reproaching and humiliating him when he asked me for alms. I, the accursed one, showed many sins: self-love, selfishness, pride, envy, malice, hard-heartedness, stinginess, ingratitude before the Lord, lack of love, laziness, foolishness, madness, negligence, blasphemy. But I wept with bitter tears for my iniquities before the Lord, and He had mercy on me, granting me justification in His Blood and peace. Ten o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the new bitter consequences of hard-heartedness and stinginess towards the poor after a prayer of warm, deep repentance. I kiss the punishing right hand of God and the merciful, wounding and healing. Thank you for the joys of deliverance. Grant me to walk in uprightness of my heart all the days of my life. Wake up! Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me through the prayer of repentance and after repeatedly falling to the holy throne and kissing it (in the latter case) from the charm and crampedness of frenzied passions, from their intolerability, torment, absurdity, madness, abomination, corruption and who has granted me forgiveness, purification, righteousness, space, peace of mind and boldness, light and strength. I am slippery, prone to every sin, accursed. Establish me, O Christ, on the rock of Your commandments. I thank the Lord, who this very minute (exactly seven o’clock in the evening) delivered me through the prayer of faith and repentance from the mortal oppression of the sin of carnal voluptuousness. Oh, the enemy of God and my soul, accursed, all-passionate flesh! How urgently it is necessary to crucify you mercilessly, so that you do not rebel against the spirit and do not defile and kill it, depriving it of the grace of God! Fornicators - vile dreamers - with their thoughts, feelings, words and deeds show extreme disrespect (not to mention reverence) for the creative, holy, wise and omnipotent law of procreation and its holy organs, for in the beginning everything was created holy and purposefully; [the fornicator] swears at that sacred door through which he entered his mother’s womb in the form of a seed and through which, after being formed into a bodily organism, he emerged from it; is seduced by what one cannot be seduced by, turns a moral being, which should be the church of God, the dwelling of the Holy Trinity, into an object of sensual, coarse, unclean pleasure. From the 20th of June to the 15th of July there was the greatest heat, not without timely rains; the heat was so great that everyone was sweating day and night (it reached forty degrees). I thank the Lord, who has granted me today to sing and speak loudly and solemnly about His saving suffering and the compassion of His Most Pure Mother and to ask the Lord and the Most Pure for various mercy for my humble and sinful soul. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the misfortunes and snares of demons both in the church and in my kindergarten. Thursday. I confess the greatest mercies of God, revealed to me this morning at eight and nine o’clock in the house of the merchant Gerasimov at his steward Mikhail Ivan, and his wife Claudia Ivan, during a prayer service for the prayer of petition and repentance and in the apartment of Anna Alex. Lebedeva after a prayer service for the prayer of repentance (that I was angry with the beggar and that I am proud, voluptuous, money-loving, impatient, proud, angry, envious, greedy). After confusion and deathly oppression, the Lord gave peace and spaciousness with boldness and righteousness (justification in His name). Glory to the Lord, who has not yet abandoned me with His mercy. I thank the Lord, who saved me through the prayer of secret repentance from the secret sin of inner voluptuousness in the garden at the dacha of [...] Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin 34, our elder, at one o’clock in the afternoon. I thank the Lord, who saved me from internal hostility towards the rector due to his sloppiness and inattention to the cleanliness of the altar and church supplies in general (a silk handkerchief for wiping the mouth, bedspreads for the altar, carpets for covering the altar floor, etc., etc. (towels for wiping hands)). I fell in secret repentance to the holy throne with self-reproach and self-abasement, and the Lord soon delivered me from oppression and torment. Then he showed me help, mercy and healing at two private prayer services. Glory to the Lord, inexhaustible in His mercy! Today I was in Strelna with Kapustin, a St. Petersburg merchant, at the dacha, with priest Kedrov, with doctor Pavlovsky Pyotr Fileterovich and his father, Father Fileter. I didn’t find him at home, we were in St. Petersburg. During Matins, with a strong struggle, I suffered a severe agony of devilish anger and hostility towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who was pushing around me in the cathedral garden, and against Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky for his negligence about the cleanliness of the church and its accessories, especially the altar. I suffered spiritual death from this hostility, but when I sincerely repented of this passion, praying to the Lord to forgive my sin and replace malice with goodness and grant me love that does not think evil, covers everything, endures everything, never falls away, then the Lord granted me forgiveness, cleansing, healing, peace, freedom, space and boldness, and I read the canon with a clear conscience and a peaceful state of heart. After Matins he ate and drank tea with black bread with butter and milk, then fell asleep in his garden; then a prayer service was served by the Markovs (Yak. Kalinich, etc.): powerlessness and fear of the heart at the prayer service, omission of some words and expressions, repentance, forgiveness, [strength] of grace at the prayer service. Sunday. I served early mass today with extreme difficulty, with extreme weakness of spirit, with deadness and abomination of the heart, with the devil’s incessant, cruel wiles. With barely an intensified prayer of repentance, I drove away vile thoughts, memories and movements of my heart with the help of the special grace of God. He received communion calmly and life-giving; he did not read the entire pulpit out of weakness of heart and out of confusion and fear of the devil; He preached the sermon with animation, and said all the goodbyes. Traveling overseas to visit guests is extremely harmful for me: absent-mindedness and idleness extremely weaken the spirit and deprive me of grace, and then I die in soul. It's better to stay at home. After early prayers and prayers at home, I slept in the kindergarten. After sleep - sleepy despondency, with him to prayer services - alone in the house [Belavenets], at [...] with the singers; I struggled extremely hard, temptingly, for a long time with enemies who tormented me terribly internally; by grace he overcame, although not completely. Alexey Mokhov is also struggling. I scold myself for the intemperance that burdens me. When will I fast? The saints fasted from youth until old age and repose, but I did not fast even for one day. Alas for me, a sinner! All Christian holidays, passing as usual throughout the year, assure us of the immutable truth that God has prepared eternal life and immortality for us, that life here is a time of education and preparation for the future, which has no end - in a word, Christian holidays remind us of the eternal holiday of eternal bliss, of eternal peace for those who have labored here in piety. This is how we will spend our life here and our holidays here, in order to make use of them for the salvation of ourselves and others, and to urgently prepare ourselves through repentance and virtue for that life, for that imperishable age. We must more often remember the rapture of the Apostle Paul to the third heaven and what bliss awaits those who love God and how good God is to those who love Him, having prepared for them unthinkable, unspeakable blessings: I heard unspeakable words that man cannot retell [2 Cor. 12:4]. Glory to Your immeasurable mercy, Lord! After Matins. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the threefold deliverance of my soul from the grave sorrows and straits that befell me for my suspicion and internal bitterness towards the father rector, supposedly he, abandoning and neglecting his brethren - the priesthood, especially me, consults with the altar guard Procopius and entrusts church property to him, and not to me, the cleric. Such thoughts [and dispositions], such feelings were the work of the slanderer of the devil, and for my diligent repentance the Lord delivered me and gave me peace, freedom, salvation, and boldness. He read the canons superbly and sang the irmos and stichera. I thank the Lord with all my heart for my merciful deliverance from the deadly snares of the enemy, the snares of voluptuousness, with which the enemy entangled me when I was in the garden through one partial glance at a girl. I thank the Lord for the streams of life and the grace of sanctification and pacification of the confused and defiled flesh of my soul. After that I fell asleep in the garden soundly and sweetly. Ten and eleven o'clock in the afternoon. Due to my greed, on the evening of July 19, I ate fried veal and a lot of cucumbers, and also drank a cup of milk and drank wine, then I walked in the garden lightly in a cassock without outer trousers and sat on a bench, and when I had to go to bed, I felt a strong pain in the left side under the stomach, which did not allow me to sleep for a long time (probably, it was blowing), and in the morning I had severe diarrhea and the urge to vomiting Yes, and in a dream I see my greed: I go with a glass to visit some stranger. Tuesday. The Lord performed a great miracle of His mercy while I was serving early mass: the Lord healed and revived me, killed by sins and diarrhea with nausea; gave me the grace to cheerfully and loudly perform the entire service, take communion for the joy and renewal of the life-giving Mysteries, read the prayer behind the pulpit cheerfully, with great boldness, and say absolution in full, then perform the prayer service for the Blessing of Water with great zeal and boldness. I thank the Lord for the miracle and mercy of salvation from anger towards the rector Father Paul during Vespers (due to the fact that he lazily serves, burr) twice and the gift of peace and spaciousness instead of cramped conditions. I thank the Lord for the prayer service performed by Lieutenant Mikhail Fedorovich Alekseev, and for the victory of all temptations at the prayer service and after it through the secret prayer of repentance. (The temptation of voluptuousness.) The sweetness of intercourse, which God put into nature as an incentive and encouragement (and reward) for procreation, the enemy of the human race turned and turns into delusion, into a bait for sin, and into voluptuousness, and into an occasion and means for corruption, and into an outrage over the wonderful, holy and perfect law of childbearing, and people, seduced by the temptations of the enemy, curse themselves, defile themselves thoughts, dreams, desires, lustful inclinations and passions, indecent words and actions, and even pervert the law of using the seed of the living begetter, applying it to that, pouring it out where there can be no fertilization, and for which it would be necessary every day and hour, every minute to thank and glorify the all-good, all-wise, all-powerful and wonderful Creator, then people They use it to blaspheme Him, to His grief, to desecrate and corrupt themselves and remove themselves from God and eternal life, for what kind of communion is there between righteousness and lawlessness?..., light with darkness?., between Christ and Belial? [ 2 Corinthians 6:14-15 ]. I thank the Lord, who delivered me several times during Matins from the damned deadly demonic malice directed at the Father Superior under the pretext of his alleged negligence and coldness, laziness in worship, although in fact he is weak in chest and therefore serves incomprehensibly for anyone. The Lord changed my heart many times from anger to love, from confusion to peace, from cramped space to open space, from darkness to light, from cowardice to boldness. I thank the Lord for the grace-filled reading of the canons to the Cross, the Most Holy Theotokos, the holy martyrs, Saints Simeon and John and the prophet Ezekiel. Nine and a half o'clock in the morning. In my garden. I thank the Lord, who accomplished a new, greatest salvation for the sake of His name and for the sake of all-hearted, in sincere repentance of the sins of calling on His sweetest name; Once I sinned in my soul by looking contemptuously at the face of the new High Hierarch of Moscow Ioannikios 35, which I did not like for supposedly lack of expression, and, secondly, by looking lustfully at the girl. The state of sin is painful: it foreshadows future unbearable torment in fiery hell along with the devil. Glory to the life-giving dew of grace, reviving, cooling, strengthening, enlightening the soul and nourishing. The saints in heaven pray to the Lord for us differently than we pray on earth for ourselves and for people: they pray unceasingly, day and night, always praying with the Holy Spirit, praying with a fervently loving heart, holy, concentrated, strong, with a firm, unashamed hope, while we often pray absent-mindedly and coldly, without love, without a heart, sluggishly and lazily, cowardly and timid. Oh, if we saw and heard the prayer for us and for the world of the Most Holy Virgin Mary, the Archangels and Angels and all the armies of heaven, the prayers of the apostles, prophets who love us with the love of Christ, the prayers of hierarchs, martyrs, the venerable and righteous and all the saints, we would be horrified and ashamed of our laziness and carelessness in prayer, we would not only rebel during the day, but also in the middle of the night. prayer and praise of the Lord's goodness, God's forbearance, God's greatness, God's wisdom and almighty power, which brought into being 36 and contained all created things! Oh, saints of God! Arouse us, lazy and careless, vain, multi-passionate, to prayer, unceasing prayer, for we are all in constant troubles from evil and all-evil spirits, and pray for us, for you have been given the grace to pray for us. Amen. I thank the Lord, who yesterday tamed in me the annoying languid temptation and passion of carnal pleasure while I was in Murashov’s country garden through my prayer and invocation of the all-saving name of my Lord Jesus Christ, and at home as well. I thank the Lord for the immeasurably great mercy and salvation that was revealed to me just before mass, celebrated in the cathedral church, and in the apartment of Anton Vasilyevich Mikhailov in Pesochnaya Street; in the first case, the Lord delivered me for deep repentance from a secret anger against the rector, Father Pavel, and the second time for the desire to take one ruble from the income from Gordeev’s five rubles for the benefit of the poor, since I walked and did not ride; This desire to use the ruble was extremely painful and did not allow me to serve a prayer service at the wine seller in Ekaterininskaya Street. When the Lord showed mercy for repentance and abandonment of the intention to take the ruble, I received peace and freedom. The reason for the captivity is yesterday's gluttony and wine drinking and long sleep. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the all-merciful and speedy deliverance from the drowning of sin, fire, sorrow and distress that befell me for my partial view of the girl Natalia A. Plotto, who was sitting in our garden when she revealed her beautiful figure. The serpent immediately wrapped me in his murderous nets, poured out his terrible poison into my soul, and only by quick, sincere, deep repentance did I get rid of sorrow, oppression and terrible spiritual misfortune in the name of the Lord, for which I thank the Lord. I thank the Lord for deliverance at the prayer service in the house of Zaitsev (at Ivan Yakovlevich Goreev), at the Epiphany in the house of Shilingovsky (Ivan Matfeevich Nikiforov) and at Khristina Yakimovna Babkova: I was strongly tempted by retribution for labors that exceeded the number of labors of other cathedral priests. But during the service of God, even one thought about earthly gain is intolerant and separates from God and His grace and life and kills the soul, making it a slave of the devil. Prayer to God and His saints is so precious and life-giving for me that I myself should, if possible, pay for the service, and not others for me - such a blessing it is! Friday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me through the prayer of my repentance on a St. Petersburg steamship on the way to the capital and another time on a horse-drawn stagecoach on Nevsky Prospekt after a blissful look at a picture of a beautiful half-naked woman in Datsiaro’s store on the corner of Nevsky and St. Isaac’s Square; The Lord delivered me from painful cramped conditions and uncleanness soon after I brought sincere secret repentance, washing me from uncleanness in His name, that is, with a zealous invocation. I thank the Lord, who gave me grace before all my former and new acquaintances in the spirit of St. Petersburg, who received me with extreme respect, with extreme love and affection as an Angel of God - this obliges me to ardently love and create, first of all, truth and holiness, and secondly, [you love] all people, especially pious ones, for their desire and desire to leave sins and love truth and mercy. Remember all of them by name, O all-merciful Lord, in Your Kingdom: Kozma, Anna with her children, Andrei and Maria with her children, Alexandra, Paraskeva with her children, Maria with her children, Olga, Alexy, Paraskeva with her children, Fyodor (Dorofeevich), Alexander, Hieromonk Sergius, Thekla (which is against the shelter of the Prince of Oldenburg and his garden), Anna (Grigorievna), who commanded me, unworthy, to pray for them, and others whose names I forgot and whose Lord Himself weighed. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who saved me many times during Matins in the cathedral, at which I attended, read and sang, from dislike and coldness towards the Father Superior and Archpastor of St. Petersburg at the mention of his name and in general towards the spiritual and temporal authorities for their selfishness, severity, [...] and other passions, although I myself am much more guilty than them every day before God and people both internally and externally, for I am filled with self-love, pride, anger, irritation, guile, suspicion, ill will, malice, rancor, gloating, malice, envy, greed, voluptuousness, fornication, laziness, negligence, gluttony, drunkenness (although not to the point of self-forgetfulness), severity, obstinacy, waywardness, impatience, blasphemy, despondency, fear, cowardice, partiality for things, lack of faith, lack of hope for God's help at all times, disobedience from the heart, waywardness, opposition, disrespect and disrespect from the hearts of others, double-mindedness, servility, flattery, ambition and the pursuit of advantages and distinctions, laughter (and often malicious), inconsistency in good dispositions, pastoral and teacher negligence, lethargy, hostility towards other people without any reason on their part and many other sins, such as: indulgence and indulgence in sin, lack of zeal and diligence for the true good of neighbors, adults and children, carelessness about their teaching, correction, salvation. So I am completely filled with darkness of sins; I was covered by an alien darkness, accursed 38. I thank the Lord, who saved me, after a fervent secret prayer of repentance in my kindergarten at ten o’clock in the morning, from the inner, in my thoughts and instant feeling, voluptuousness from the idea of ​​sexual intercourse and the torment of sin, and who gave me sweet peace and freedom, truth and rightness of spirit. After Vespers. I thank the Lord for the help and grace given to me by His goodness during the saying of the dismissal at Compline (at which I remembered all the saints who should have been remembered at the dismissal of Vespers and [whom] I did not remember at that time) and the litany Let us pray... I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me for the sake of tearful repentance and forgave me the sin of frivolous blasphemy, although kindly, over the monastic rank, angelic title and residence on earth, saying to the retired colonel [...] Alexandrovich [...]: your monastic name - you should be an archimandrite; and he said: only with his wife, and not without a wife, that he asked, but was not allowed, but I laughed frivolously, and for this frivolity and blasphemy I lost grace, peace, boldness, space of my heart; after tearful repentance, the Lord granted peace, space, boldness, and righteousness. Sunday. I thank the Lord for the greatest salvation that was revealed to me yesterday during the all-night vigil, which I performed, through my intense prayer with deep repentance, faith and hope before the Gospel itself, when invisible enemies attacked me, fearing and disturbing my soul and suggesting that they would not allow me to read the Gospel; and so, by Your infinite goodness and invincible power, I read the entire Gospel with great strength, and I escaped the violence of the enemy and his dreams. Glory to the Lord! Oh, if only they would let us all speak with boldness and much strength! For during the holiday service, as yesterday, the enemies greatly frighten me and interrupt me because of my cowardice, blocking my heart and body, putting something absurd and sinful into my mind and heart, from which, O God, always deliver me, all the days of my life. I thank the Lord with all my heart and for the new, greatest deliverance after the dismissal at the all-night vigil, which I stole (I did not say: Risen from the dead, Christ, our true God, through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother, the holy, glorious and all-validated Apostle Andrew the First-Called, the supreme apostles Peter and Paul and other holy apostles, saints of the day (in full), Holy Blessed Grand Duke Alexander Nevsky, holy righteous Godfather Joachim and Anna) out of demonic fear and false shame. Deliver, Lord! The enemies confused and deeply wounded my soul, and I went to the Petrovsky chapel to petition for mercy, often kissing Him who sat on the throne and begging piteously and wholeheartedly. I received deliverance, peace, boldness, and then at the prayer of Christ, the true Light, the enemies again hurt me, and again the secret prayer of repentance, and again healing and peace. In the presentation of the science of worship, explain more often that the human soul is threefold and that all its powers (three: mind, heart and will) must certainly participate together in prayer, petition, repentance, glorification, thanksgiving and should not at all remain inactive and doze off or engage in vanity and sin, for that is why they have the strength to work and serve the One who gave them to us. Do we thank God with the same sincerity and strength after a rich, nourishing table as before the table, before eating and drinking? No: before eating, with a light stomach, with a light heart, with a clear mind, with good will, we pray more willingly, more diligently, easier, more consciously, more sensitively, for the mind and heart and will after eating and drinking are darkened, coarsened, weakened, paralyzed by food and the vapors rising from the stomach during digestion. How necessary is fasting for a Christian who must constantly pray, constantly be fully armed against the never-ending invisible enemies! I remember an incident from my life like this: after mass I had to serve a solemn prayer service in the guardianship building (there were generals, colonels, Zelenoy, Zabotkin and others), and before the prayer service there was a prayer service with the secretary of the police Levchenko (Feodor Nikitich), after which I ate a little pie and drank only a glass of grape wine - so what? - that’s why my heart became hardened and weakened, and at the solemn prayer service invisible enemies attacked me, as if I were unarmed, confused, ulcerated, killed my soul, and I could not serve the prayer service without a deacon, during the reading of the Gospel I was embarrassed, and the devil’s dirty tricks began; I barely finished the prayer service. These are the dangers of gluttony! We place the sign of the cross on our shoulders, because they signify our active strength. We protect with a cross the mind (forehead), heart (percy 39) and will (shoulders), which invisible enemies constantly attack and fight, confuse, worry, weaken, desecrate. The Lord, the nourisher of every creature and the source of ever-present sweetness, opens a food stream of sweetness in the very breast of the mother - in the mother’s nipples, from which babies are fed, and has given nutritional organs to every animal. Oh, may the Lord be glorified in every creature, in all our members, wisely, holy, expediently, unblemished, gracefully constructed, and may they always be used holyly and expediently, in accordance with the intention of the most holy, all-good and all-wise Creator! Love is the most precious and most necessary beginning and end of our life - which constitutes the entire law of God to man, and its enemy of the human race - Satan perverted or destroyed and spit on it with his abominations, turned it into the abomination of carnality and voluptuousness or greed, love of things and covetousness, turning the heart away from love for God and for each other. And now the love in us has dried up: there is no true love, but there is feigned, hypocritical, cold, changeable, carnal, satanic; everywhere there is guile, cunning, greed, envy, malice, pride, ambition, hatred, persecution, deceit, untruth, partiality, bribery, hard-heartedness. I thank the Lord, who mercifully saved me from the grave temptation of Satan, who placed in my heart hostility and bitterness towards the innocent wife of the priest Father Alexander, who met me on the porch at the exit from my apartment to the garden; The inventor of evil tormented me for a long time, and I prayed and repented earnestly, condemning myself, blaming, scourging... and the Lord had mercy. But there are still remnants of hellfire in me. After late mass. I thank the Lord for delivering me, after my fervent prayer and falling to the Holy Altar, from the hellish, spirit-suppressing closeness of my soul and for bestowing a good yoke and a light burden, for the gift of tenderness and tears at the most important moments of the liturgy and for delivering a sermon on the healing of a sleepwalker. The voice was good, clear and ringing. After mass, before prayer and during prayer to the mother in labor, there is the oppression of the enemy, from which the Lord again delivered through fervent prayer. Monday. Morning. I thank the Lord, the abyss of mercy, for the countless mercies that were revealed to me before Matins, when I walked through the space between the gardens of our cathedral fathers from the gate to the courtyard, and during Matins, and after Matins in the church during the memorial service, and on Prince Street in the house of Master Ilya (Paraskev’s wife is the birthday girl). Before Matins, the Lord tore out from my soul the devilish, all-malicious sting (secret bitterness towards Vladika Isidore, although he had long ago made amends for his obstinacy with favor towards me) and changed my heart, giving it meekness, quietness, gentleness and righteousness; During Matins, at the memorial service and prayer service, the Lord delivered me from the insolence of the crafty demons (mercilessly attacking me with reluctance, anger at those who ordered the memorial service and numbness), and at the prayer service they cursed at female nature. By strengthening the prayer of repentance, the Lord made them idle. Even in a dream, the Lord delivered me from the reproach of the demonic adulterer. I stood up and offered the Lord a prayer of repentance. After late mass. A terrible, destructive demonic storm befell me today: firstly, just before mass, and then at the end of it, when the old pious maiden Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina was the first to bring my godson John to communion; The devil put terrible anger in my heart against her because of my dislike for the fact that she was the first to meddle, that is, to approach, and I was confused and almost completely lost after that, especially when reading the pulpit, which I read before the throne, not all because of the violence of the enemy; he stole the release out of shame and embarrassment and did not say it all out; After mass, with difficulty, I begged the Lord who was angry with me (by my gluttony and wine drinking) and got rid of the torment of the evil spirit - I shivered and broke down because of him. God! What a storm! Here's a double treat at one time in the evening! Here's satiety and delicacy for you! That's how weak in spirit you are and helpless from gluttony! It is good to strengthen hearts with grace, and not with foods from which those who engage in them did not benefit [Heb. 13:9]. Food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both [1 Cor. 6:13]. Because of gluttony, there was also a vile, prodigal dream. During Vespers, invisible enemies caught me at the beginning (at the Great Litany) because of my intemperance in food, and in confusion I could not speak the litany as I should, and only afterwards did grace strengthen me. Hostility towards the abbot I saw and partiality towards others were another cause of embarrassment, but I had to be dispassionate. I must respect and love the abbot like a father, and condescend to his weaknesses, as he condescends to mine, and cover them, as he covers mine; all the more should I love and honor my archpastor and pray fervently for him, so that the word of truth may be safe 42 , honest 43 , healthy, long-lived, rightly ruling, and not condemn him, not have hostility towards him for his severity and strictness, but strictly condemn myself for pride, waywardness, disobedience, bitterness, impatience, severity and obstinacy towards those beneath me, especially to the poor brethren; in general, condemn yourself strictly for your sins, and be extremely lenient and patronizing towards others. Before mass yesterday, Father Paul was upset, which brought spiritual death upon me, from which I got rid of with sincere repentance and received peace. I thank the Lord for this. Tuesday. I thank the Lord for His great help to me in the service of Matins and Liturgy, performed without stumbling, with much power, and mass with tears of compunction under self-compulsion. I thank the Lord for the non-judgmental, life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the victory over the great demonic hostility against our neighbors, aroused for the unfailing prayer in the pulpit and the dismissal of the dinner and funeral service. After the all-night vigil. Three times the Lord revealed His greatest salvation in me through my fervent prayer: once before the very all-night vigil, already after putting on priestly vestments, when my soul was oppressed by deathly [crowdedness] due to reading before the all-night secular novel article about Demetrius the impostor, the second time before reading the Gospel of the Theotokos (Our Lady of Smolensk), when enemies oppressed and confused my soul with various sinful memories, from which all The Lord delivered, and finally, before leaving at the first hour, before the royal doors. I thank the All-Merciful! After the all-night vigil, I was tempted by my impatience, fell away from love, meekness and gentleness, becoming angry with the groom (clerk [...] Kurmashev), who lingered for a long time in the shop, while we were waiting in view of another prayer service, in addition to the real wedding. I was confused and died in soul from the harmful breath of the murderous serpent and could not calm down even during the prayer service itself, which I somehow crumpled up, not having the strength to pronounce either the litanies, or the Gospel, or prayers. But in the Kudryavtsevsky wing of Mikhail and Evdokia Agafonov, where my godson Vanya, served the grace of God without stumbling. There he treated himself. I thank the Lord, who reconciled me through repentance. How many temptations! How many falls! And everything comes from a lack of love, everything from the passions living in me! I’m in a hurry, I’m in a hurry and I don’t know where! The enemy is in a hurry! Wednesday. A memorable day. As a result of the usual gluttony late the night before at Evdokia Agafonova’s (her son is my godson) and a long sleep (until seven o’clock in the morning), today during the late liturgy I lost God’s help against invisible enemies, who deposed and killed my soul while reading the prayer against the seditious people with embarrassment and fear, which is why I could not read it, having lost heart. From that moment of mortal crampedness and fear, I became upset, restless, faint-hearted, chained in my heart and raped, captive and could not serve calmly, but served dimly to the end. Damned, I dreamed of combining service to God and mammon, God and the womb - two incompatible things - and I was bitterly mistaken! I still can’t calm down from confusion and excitement. He took communion in embarrassment without life, did not read the entire pulpit, and stole the absolution out of embarrassment. I was all in shame and embarrassment. The rainy weather during mass helped the enemies have a murderous effect on my soul. Protopopov stood at the altar - this made me more embarrassed. A day of disappearance, shame and cramped conditions. Always read the prayer for seditionists. He started the prayer well, but ended poorly, and did not finish out of embarrassment; The enemies attacked me furiously, and I succumbed. Because of gluttony, I am powerless - fasting is necessary for me, and for all of Christ’s disciples. Thursday. He served well and victoriously throughout the entire matins, but at the end, during the petitionary and intense litany, he gave up and was frightened at the sight of old man Alexander Murashov. What is this? Can a priest fear anyone but God in His church, when serving Him, who is more terrible than the kings of the earth? This cowardice is a sin. Sin in general is cowardice and timidity, the decline of the spirit of a clergyman before nobles, scientists, the strong, the rich, the tycoons of this world. The priest, when serving God, is exalted by God above all, invested with authority, dignity, strength, grace - natural or moral infirmities, weaknesses then aside, God alone is his judge and he must do the work of God holy, peacefully, with dignity. I thank the Lord for victories over enemies and sins, especially sweetness and thoughts of voluptuousness, and for the unfailing service of the liturgy, and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, [serving] a prayer service and two requiems (the second - Markov). In the divine services of our Orthodox Church, in addition to doxologies, prayers, petitions, thanksgivings, the performance of the Sacraments and various significant rites, the destinies of the world and man, or the Church of God, are briefly depicted from the beginning of the world to the coming of Christ into the world, from His coming to the ascension and descent of the Holy Spirit and from the Holy Spirit almost to the present day, if we take into account the glorification of the saints of God again and the services compiled by him; in our worship the entire Bible is briefly depicted and, as it were, personified, the entire Old Testament with the destinies of mankind in it and the entire Gospel, the entire New Testament with its wondrous events that surpass all reason, and if you want to know in general terms and in detail the wonderful, wise, all-good economy of our salvation in Christ Jesus, follow wisely and carefully our daily and weekly divine services and one year, and you, as in a picture, will clearly see the entire abyss of mercy, wisdom, omnipotence, revealed in the matter of God’s salvation of the human race; To an inattentive person and incapable of generalizing details, the divine services of our Church will seem little understandable and edifying. It is not good that I disdain and push around the archpastors of Moscow who were after Metropolitan Philaret: Innocent is wrong, and Macarius is unfit, and the current Ioannikis 44. I judge by their faces, not knowing their abilities, intentions, strengths, virtues. Tonight's dream. It was as if I was on vacation in Arkhangelsk; I see the brilliant Trinity Cathedral both on earth and in the air, like a reflection; glitters from afar in the sun; they ring for mass - a church holiday, but for some reason I can’t be at mass; I’m getting ready to go on a trip, and I have a lot of things, clothes, papers, books; bustle. The day of God's greatest mercy towards me, the unworthy. In the morning I went in the greatest confusion, fire, crampedness, sorrow because of the malice, wickedness, envy, slander and hard-heartedness of Father Superior Pavel V. Trachevsky, who told a poor woman from St. Petersburg who did not find me at home and came to him for help, that he gives to everyone, and I use the glory of a benefactor - as if I admired the glory that belonged to him, and as if I was looking for glory from people when giving alms. God! You weigh. I sinned because of these stupid words of the gray-haired elder, I was embarrassed and offended as slanderous, crafty, unkind, envious and blasphemous, for, by saying this, the abbot mocks the Gospel itself, distorts its meaning and turns every virtue into nothing. He boasted that he gave to everyone, without actually giving to anyone and always remaining a miser and not giving a penny to the poor woman. Is this not a mockery of the words of the Lord? The Lord will judge him. But how hard it was for me during Matins! From embarrassment, humiliation, slander, blasphemy of the elder, from fire, grief and cramped conditions, I could not say litanies and exclamations until the great litany, and I strongly repented and prayed to the Lord for mercy on both me and the abbot. I am sinful in that I was embarrassed by his evil act and fell away from love, falling into anger and bitterness towards him; one memory of him embarrassed me - as of a crafty, double-minded, unkind, low, corrupt, unfriendly person. I had to betray myself and my work and my boss and colleague Father Paul to God, I had to overcome evil with good, pray for him, may the Lord enlighten the eyes of his heart, may he soften his heart and put compassionate love into him, for which I pray to the Lord, so that the soul of him and his children will not perish for extreme hard-heartedness, love of money, pride, envy, dissatisfaction with the bounties of God (he has accumulated tens of thousands of rubles, eighty thousand). I sincerely repented to God, leaving by His grace all anger towards Father Paul and recognizing myself as worthy of that spiritual storm and that fire, that oppression and sorrow that the adversary caused in me, and the Lord had mercy on me, healed me, pacified me, gave me the greatest zeal for service and cleansed all my sins and pleasures, destroyed me, and made a great change in me. I am greatly shocked by the temptations of the serpent because of my gluttony, lust, greed, carnality and general attachment to the world and property. Our Christian faith is expressed in nothing so holistically and completely as in meekness and kindness towards our enemies and in prayer for them. Because of their passions and because of the slander of evil spirits, people often offend us very sensitively with their cunning towards us, unfriendliness, ill-will, slander and hurt our souls like adders. But, instead of being angry, embittered with them, taking revenge on them, paying evil for evil, we must sincerely pity and love them as sick, as those in a fever and frenzy, as insane, as captives of sin and the devil, as unfortunate, as members of our body affected by Anton’s fire or cancer, and speak to them kindly and kindly, and do them every kind of good on occasion. This is Christianity! But for the most part we act quite the opposite - according to the wisdom of our flesh and worldly people, and not according to the Gospel, we are confused in heart, become embittered, try to take out our offense and, instead of stopping, we increase evil and hostility, we become enemies, we lose love, we become enemies of God and our neighbors. And we say every day: forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors. God! Grant us to remember and fulfill the essence of Your law - long-suffering, merciful, not envious, covering everything, never falling away. After mass. I thank the Lord, who has granted me victory over the machinations of the ruler of the world and the unfailing service of the liturgy, the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries and the unfailing, invincible reading of the prayer behind the pulpit and absolution, and the good performance of two prayer services. The enemies fought, but did not prevail, for grace strengthened me and the previous struggle with the enemies. It is imperative to forgive offenses to neighbors, firstly, so as not to lose in the heart love for God and neighbor, which is the invaluable, most precious, life treasure of our spirit, and so as not to offend God, Who is love [1 John 4:8,16]; secondly, because every person is a being who has fallen into sin, into malice, envy, self-love, love of things, love of heaven, and, as fallen and broken, is always prone to sins; thirdly, because we ourselves all sin a lot [James 3:2] and we need forgiveness both from God and from our neighbors; fourthly, because despite all sins, weaknesses, moral failures, man is a being in the image of God, and out of respect for his moral dignity, he must forgive the offense and not take revenge on him; fifthly, because he often sins out of frivolity or as a joke, not out of malice; sixthly, [sins] by teaching from the devil. [You] are still a carnal, worldly, and not a spiritual person and not quite a sacred priest, if for you in the church of God during the service not everyone is equal - rich and poor, noble and simple, learned and ignorant, man and woman, beautiful and ugly, smart and undecorated - and you look at them too obsequiously and biasedly, giving preference to one over the other. Everyone is equal before God, and therefore let the heart of the serving priest not be embarrassed by the temporal, physical, economic and other advantages of his parishioners. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His mercy on July 30 in the apartment of Arkhip Vasilyev, the guard of the town council, when after a prayer service, gracefully performed, and my reluctance to remain with many of those gathered and after extreme crowding during a walk to the wall, I came back to Arkhip Vasilyev’s apartment and earnestly prayed for my pardon. In the name of Jesus Christ, sorrow and oppression have now been destroyed, and I have become calm and free. If delicious food and drinks and beautiful clothes occupy you, then you are not yet Christ’s, but still of this world. The servant of Christ considers all this to be a dream, dust, nothing, for he is entirely in Christ. During Vespers on July 30, the enemy weakened my heart through an addiction to the beautiful face of a young woman, and I was embarrassed while speaking the Great Litany. I have sinned against the Lord - have mercy on me, Lord! After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the wondrous grace of prayerful tenderness during the all-night vigil, which continued from the singing of the psalm. Lord, I cried out with stichera until the end of the all-night vigil, while reading the canons to the Savior, the Mother of God and the Guardian Angel and the akathist to the Sweetest Jesus. But after the all-night vigil, when I met with sexton M.A. Bystryakov, who announced to me the will of the rector’s father: to go tomorrow at the head of the procession from the cathedral (probably as the keymaster), which (will) I opposed in my heart with secret grief at the rector, I fell into temptation and into the sin of secret resistance and disobedience, which is why extreme tightness and spiritual death became in me, since I fell into devilish resistance and disobedience, which he immediately began to repent of with all his heart, and repented all the way (to Shubina’s house), and in I.P.’s apartment itself. Rudakova (where the prayer service was served) repented before the start of the prayer service - and by faith he received from the Lord the greatest mercy of deliverance from the wiles of the devil, from oppression and death, and received peace, and spiritual space, and the prayer service was served beautifully, graciously, peacefully, with the greatest boldness, without stumbling. Glory to the Lord! Eleven and a half o'clock in the evening. The devil has scolded and scolds humanity at its very physical and moral source, in the very loins and reproductive organs, worthy of reverence and reverence; he defiles them with lust and fornication, swearing, inventing names shameful for them, and desecration. Oh, the beauty of the all-evil and all-evil enemy! He swears at the all-wise, all-holy, all-righteous, beautiful, incorruptible, unblest, all-blessed - the unchanging Creator in His creations, pure, beautiful, holy (defiled by the devil), unblest. But may the all-evil and all-blasphemous devil, with all his God-fighting army, be consigned to eternal reproach, who always cursed the Creator. But You, Lord, cleanse us sinners, the work of Your hands, sanctify and save us, who sin against You many every hour and who humbly repent and seek Your righteousness. Amen. August 1st. We always live in covetousness, in lies, aphids and vanity. Therefore we are told: Do not store up for yourself treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal [Matthew 6:19], our true treasure is God's grace, our pure spiritual meaning, our peace of mind, simplicity, righteousness, spiritual joy, faith, hope and love, our eternal life. And our thoughts, and desires, and intentions, and deeds have both the basis and the goal of corruption. Be pleased (church glory) - to be endowed with benefits, to become good (happy). Poeliku (Church Glorious) – because, because. His Grace Leonty (Lebedinsky; 1822–1893), Bishop of Kholm and Warsaw from 1875 to 1891, then Metropolitan of Moscow and Kolomna. 37, 5 and 44 degrees Celsius respectively. Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin – mayor of Kronstadt in 1881–1886, headman of St. Andrew’s Cathedral in 1871–1883. His Grace Ioannikiy (Rudnev; 1826–1900), Metropolitan of Moscow and Kolomna from 1882 to 1891, then Metropolitan of Kiev and Galicia. Exist (church-glorified) - bring into being. Prayer at Great Compline “The immaterial nature of the Cherubim...”. Irmos of the 5th song of the Sunday canon at Matins, tone 8. Percy (Church Glav.) – chest. Beautiful (church-lav.) - beautiful, as it should, fairly, appropriately. His Eminence Isidore (Nikolsky; 1799–1892), Metropolitan of Novgorod, St. Petersburg and Finland from 1860 to 1892. Whole (church glory) – healthy; simple, pure, immaculate. Honesty (church glory) is a virtue. Saint Philaret (Drozdov; 1782–1867) occupied the Moscow see from 1821 to 1867; Saint Innocent (Veniaminov; 1797–1879) - from 1868 to 1879; Metropolitan Macarius (Bulgakov; 1816–1882) - from 1879 to 1882; Metropolitan Ioannikiy (Rudnev; 1826–1900) - from 1882 to 1891).