Октябрь 1883 г.

Just before Matins, an evil demon began to torment me, but for repentance and diligent invocation of the name of the Lord, upon falling to the holy throne, the Lord delivered me from hellish cramped conditions and serpentine poison and granted me health and peace. While reading the Gospel, the evil demon again stopped me and did not allow me to finish the entire Gospel, and then repeatedly at prayer services he kicked me in everyone where he was, both in church and in houses. The devil was terribly furious in me all the time from mass, when it ended (eight and a half o'clock in the morning), until ten and a quarter o'clock. The reason and occasion is yesterday’s treat and wine at Elisaveta Agaf’s. I ate almost nothing at her place, which was harmful, I only ate fruit and drank wine. Eating a lot of kale is bad for me, scrofulous: I become irritable. On October 1, on Intercession, he served early mass in the Duma Church together with Father Hieromonk Leonid with copious tears, having previously been tempted by the adversary with the remorse of embarrassment and fear from Belial. After mass, I experienced the most severe temptations when performing prayer services in houses (with Stepan Ignatov on the mountain, with Morozova and her son-in-law in Tsepov’s house); the lustful obsessions of the evil one tormented me until I lay down to rest at home. Retired general Alex. Ivanovich Trusov served a prayer service with fear of demons, he could not pronounce the entire Gospel, litany, he omitted the prayer of the holy water, and they are very kind and simple people, but, the first time serving, he was afraid of something, I don’t know myself - some kind of savagery! The all-night vigil in the Duma Church was served before Polyeleos somewhat coldly and sluggishly, but with the praise and especially after the Gospel, which the Lord gave almost everything to be read sincerely, heartily (with the omission of a few words at the beginning and at the end of the Gospel of Luke), I felt calm, light, contented, cheerful, life-giving by the grace of Christ my God. Let go stealthily spoke, did not read a prayer to Christ, the True Light, ordered the singers to sing to the Chosen Voivode. With Mikhail Osipovich Britnev, the prayer service was served at first fearfully, timidly, feeling the mental action of the devil in himself, out of fear he missed the words when reading the Gospel of the Mother of God from Luke and then when reading the Gospel of the Blessed Water, then he rushed internally to break the nets of the devil, took on cheerfulness, courage, determination and began to intensely loudly pronounce exclamations of the litany of the Blessed Water and prayer holy of water and by the grace of God drove away the adversary; it became so easy, fun, peaceful, life-giving. But the accursed one stumbles and wounds me with one unspoken word, and he again wounded me during my dismissal, which I stole, speaking quickly, as in church. I prayed to the Lord for the grace of victory over my enemies and received the gift of courage and strength, otherwise I would not have won. Glory to the Lord! Do not honor the devil’s thoughts and orgies, do not dwell on them, but [...] with the power of Christ, do deeds of piety, public or home prayer, or reading the word of God, or other good deeds. Our teachers in secular, and partly also in religious educational institutions, need to keep in mind the words of the Savior spoken to Martha: worry and speak about the abundance, but there is only one needful [Luke 10:41–42], but you have left only one needy one. Father Leonid Hieromonk spoke wonderful words about Father Platon Ivanovich Karashevich, Archpriest of St. Isaac's Cathedral, his unenvy, goodwill, meekness, gentleness, but I didn’t think about him like that - I sinned and was mistaken. Human thoughts are sinful and deceitful; one should not take them at face value. You need to condemn yourself sincerely and correct yourself. I thank the Lord for the gift of health, which I have enjoyed, although I am unworthy of it. May I use my health for Your glory. At the beginning of the feat of prayer, a person reluctantly, not cordially, lazily, tenderly takes up it, but if he forces himself through spontaneous thought and feeling to rational, heartfelt and willing prayer, then grace will come to his aid and prayer will bring him the greatest pleasure, sweetness, light, peace, lightness and great joy. So it is in public as well as in home worship. The Kingdom of Heaven is taken by force, and those who use force take it away [Matthew 11:12]. Having shown His Mother to be Most Holy, Most Pure, Incorruptible, Most Blessed and Glorious, the Lord revealed through this what all His true followers and disciples will be like, that is, that they, to the extent of faith and zeal in virtue, will be rewarded with holiness, incorruptibility, blessing and glory in His eternal Kingdom, as countless hosts of saints have been rewarded with. Having borrowed flesh and blood from the Most Holy Virgin Mother of God, and dwelt in Her during pregnancy, and was born from Her, and eternally united with Her into one spirit, for he who is united with the Lord is one spirit with the Lord [1 Cor. 6:17], what holiness, what wonderful virtues did Her Son and God fill Her with, what gifts did He adorn Her, with what wisdom, beauty heavenly, with what incorruptibility, fragrance, with what greatness he honored Her! What love, meekness, and long-suffering for sinners She was filled with, in imitation of Her Son! O Lady! Do not leave us, who have fallen into the aphid of sin, sinners and defiled by all kinds of impurities, but look upon us, enlighten, admonish, cleanse and save us, like Mother of Spasova. Bodiless enemies sometimes seem to drown our soul with sins and passions: despondency, anger, irritation, impurity, stubbornness or obstinacy, lust, greed, laziness, absent-mindedness, greed, vanity, love, pride, envy and the like. Patience and fervent prayer are needed. The flood will subside and things will become easier. Seeing God in His beautiful mirror - in all His beautiful creatures, hasten to see Him face to face, hasten to be cleansed of the aphids and stench of sins and adorned with virtue: love, meekness and humility, mercy, purity, patience, self-control. Sunday. I thank the Lord, who many times delivered me at the beginning of the late liturgy (in the Duma Church) from the mortification of the devil, from being stifled by worldly passions and who gave me purification, revival, peace, freedom and tears of tenderness in abundance. He stole the prayer behind the pulpit, only pronouncing the end of it loudly in everyone’s ears. (After having a snack at Olimpiada Korguevskaya, I burdened myself by eating smoked salmon and soft-boiled eggs.) In the evening I read in the House of Diligence about the Protection of the Mother of God. I thank the Lord, who showed me great mercy for my repentance in the faulty, insincere, reluctant service of the parting prayer to my nephew Evdokim Vasilyevich Fidelin. Invisible enemies usually scorched me, unprepared for service due to the satiety of meat, cabbage soup and pie, confused me, brought fear, laziness, aversion to the words of the Lord, and I could not read the wondrous Gospel of John: Let not your heart be troubled; Believe in God, and believe in Me... [John 14:1]. The enemy terribly confuses and confuses me when reading the words of the Holy Scriptures. And in general, he often trips me up during public and domestic worship, instilling fear and fear, binding and damaging my heart and tongue. And how long have I been fighting enemies! And how often I am powerless in this struggle, and all because of gluttony and lust: my flesh, my passions - these are my first enemies! It must be mortified, thinned out by fasting, prayer, remembrance of death, the Last Judgment, contemplation of God, and reading Divine books. Very often I am insincere in my service and against my will, my words, thoughts and feelings do not agree with the God-inspired words and spirit of church prayers. Alas for me, many-passionate, unworthy, unprepared for serving the Lord my God, alas for me, the crafty, hypocritical, prodigal, loving and self-indulgent, unkind, proud, voluptuous, proud, rebellious, evil, angry and irritable, lazy, careless! When will I get better! A mortal ax is approaching me, ready to cut me down. I know that if I sincerely work for Christ, and not for myself, and live sincerely, then I will serve sincerely, sincerely think, love and speak. Understand my tongue, O my Savior, having enlarged my lips and fulfilled my heart, I have piqued my heart, so that as I say, I will follow, and as I teach, I will do first: for everything I do and teach, I say, this one is great. Even if I speak and do not do, I am counted as ringing brass; in the same way, say to me the same and grant me to do something useful, O One, knowledgeable of heart 142. Amen. Tuesday. Morning. Full of consciousness and feelings of gratitude and reverence to the Lord for His inexpressible mercy to me during Matins, when the adversary the devil poured his poison into my heart and inflamed me with embitterment and jealousy towards Father Alexander Taratin, who, I thought, hid a lot of money for his own benefit from the collection with the cross on the Feast of the Intercession (on the mountain and on the Lord's, I collected only forty rubles). I repented of my evil suspiciousness, zeal, envy (as if I were envying goodness) towards him, who was enriching himself more and more and not wasting his wealth on the poor, and the Lord corrected my thoughts, healed me, changed my heart, extinguished the fire of hell, removed the sting of the serpent, which then intensified to penetrate my heart while reading the canon, and I again repented and prayed secretly and Finally, I was completely delivered through my effort and grace. Oh, the violence of sin! Oh, the malice of the devil! Oh, killer beauty! I thank and glorify the Lord, who worked in me the wondrous powers of His mercy and goodness, quickly, like lightning, during the prayer service and especially after the prayer service, when invisible enemies wounded me with their malice, pouring out their poison into my heart. I just cried out to the Lord in repentance - and now I am healed, calmed down, and consoled. While reading the canon of the Mother of God after the prayer service in the apartment of Stepanida Avvakumovna Yudina, the enemy also stung me with another sin, but through the prayer of repentance I was delivered again. Mikhail has Alex. Dmitriev, the Lord also appeared as a helper at the prayer service, and before that in church during and after Vespers. Wednesday. I offer my sincere thanks to the Lord for His great mercy (up to three times) in delivering me from the poisonous teeth of the serpent, who encouraged me to enmity the Father Superior under the pretext that he was an opponent of piety and the well-ordered administration of the Divine Service - Matins and Vespers. For the first time, the serpent regurgitated anger in me against Father Alexander under the empty pretext that he did not personally record his income in the book. By the grace of Christ he sang and read Matins solemnly, loudly, without stumbling. I read four canons: the Cross and the Martyrs, the Mother of God, the Martyr Charitina and Saints Peter, Alexei, Jonah and Philip. I thank the Lord for the gift of health and a loud, clear, expressive voice, for spiritual renewal, consolation, for peace, lightness and freedom of spirit, for saturation with grace and drinking of the living water of the Holy Spirit. Thursday. And this day, through the numerous or, rather, countless mercies of God, I am inclined to confess them and give glory and thanksgiving to the Lord, for both during Matins and Vespers, and after services, the Lord delivered me through the prayer of my repentance from the poisonous remorse of the devil, healed my soul from the wounds of Belial, from confusion, crampedness and fear, and pacified and emboldened it. Glory to His all-goodness, quick obedience, kindness and goodness. And I am ashamed of my face because I remain uncorrected, untimely, with greed I eat and drink, I am a lover of money, I am flattered with my eyes and heart, looking at all beauty and with my whole being I am devoted to earthly, vain and corruptible things - that which corrupts and corrupts my soul, removes me both from God and from love for my neighbor, not remembering the death that soon creeps up on me. everyone. Our adversary and God's devil, with his vile and all-evil breath and with his deception, has infected, desecrated and defiles us at the very source of life - in the spiritual and physical, in the heart and in the bodily organs, in the very entrance and exit of life, male and female, he has defiled and defiles us with deception and lust for them, corrupting, swearing daily and hourly to the one before whom one must reverence what one should honor with modesty, inviolability, integrity and purity. Glory to You, Christ, who preserves humanity under all the terrifying streams of corrupting sin and protects it with Your wise, pure, incorruptible laws and leading those who keep them to incorruption. Glory to Thee, all-good, wise and all-powerful Creator and Savior! Four hours to ten minutes. Now, on the way home from Semgin’s house, on Posadskaya Street I was rewarded with the greatest salvation of God through a secret prayer of repentance and invocation of the sweetest name of Christ. I thank the Lord, who accomplished the greatest salvation in me during Matins, after which I read and sang the canons with the greatest inspiration and triumph and joy of spirit. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the second early mass and for defeating all the fierce and subtle machinations of the enemy (by leaving the top crust of the Lamb, the devil was wounded) during and during the liturgy, when reading prayers for the nun’s communion and thanksgiving after communion. I thank the Lord, who saved me during Vespers and after it through the prayer of my repentance. Outside the city, a prayer service was held at the gardener Sheremetyev's at five o'clock in the evening in the presence of him, Andrei Nikitich, his second wife, his children, his girls and son and young widow, also his daughter-in-law and her daughter, the beautiful maiden Maria Grigorievna. When I was serving a prayer service, then between me and the Lord the bodiless, unclean enemies diligently tried to make this maiden Mary an idol of charms, and for me, multi-passionate, voluptuous, it was extremely difficult to fight the unclean demons that awakened in me unclean, adulterous movements. And after a long struggle, I, a sensualist, barely defeated them with prayer, and even then not quite. It is bad, insane, ill-fated, disastrous if between me and God or between me and my neighbor our passions, the idols of our hearts: money, pretty faces or enmity, envy, pride, fancy clothes, etc. become a barrier and a destructive mediastinum. Through communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ, the servant of God, the maiden Daria, who was sick in bed, recovered and soon got up. God bless! Yesterday I prayed with the faithful for the epileptic servant of God (I think it was Alexei). May the Lord deliver him from this severe illness. I prayed for the drinking-suffering servant of God Tarasius, that the Lord would deliver him from drunkenness - everything is possible for You, Master Lord! Saturday. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to read and sing the canons and stichera in praise and stichera with the greatest boldness and spiritual joy and with spiritual pleasure. I thank the Lord for the liturgy that was successfully performed by His grace and gift, and I received life-giving communion, and pronounced the absolution in full. I didn’t really want to serve a custom prayer service with the blessing of water, and only through intense reflection and secret prayer I broke myself into serving willingly and with zeal, thinking about Who I would talk with, Who I would glorify—with the Lord, the Lord, with the Mother of God and the Mother of God, with Saint Pelagia. At the prayer service in the stone house, Tsepov also overcame temptation in the name of the Lord and the house upon his arrival. The belly, that is, the stomach, usually pulls our soul and heart to the earth, to the enjoyment of bodily blessings that corrupt the soul and body, and the spirit strives to heaven, to God, to the enjoyment of eternal spiritual blessings. The cravings of the belly and carnal cravings in general are so strong with constant gluttony that our spirit cannot cope with them, cannot overcome them; only grace alone, diligently invoked in repentance, can deliver a person from their violence and torment and from complete captivity. Having known the greatest, unspeakable sweetness of communion with God in His righteousness, how am I seduced by the deceptive, soul-sucking sweetness of sin? Away with the absurd, momentary sweetness of sin, which gives rise to temporary and eternal bitterness and torment. When I went out to the water-blessing prayer service after early mass, which due to strange laziness and reluctance I did not want to serve, I overcame this reluctance only with fervent repentant prayer. And when the all-evil and evil serpent began to confuse me with different faces, one of which seemed disgusting and unkind for such and such a reason, and another for another, a third for another, etc., then I spat on him, recognizing from this his wickedness and malice, I recognized everyone equally created in the image of God, with the same soul, members of Christ and the Church, my fellow members - and I calmed down. At a prayer service in Chebotareva Street with the widow Soboleva, the enemy confused me with the charming imagination of a gilded cross, which I wanted to take from the master, and I, damned, developed a passion for the shiny dust and put an idol in the place of God in my heart, wanted to combine the incompatible: God and mammon, as yesterday at a prayer service with the gardener Andrei Nikitich Sheremetyev, I was seduced by the idol fading maiden beauty, losing sight of the uncreated, incorruptible, unimaginable, infinite beauty of the Divine, who reflected His indescribable beauty on all creations. Oh, why don’t I constantly think about this first and eternal Beauty, why don’t I desire it alone? Why do I not desire this one incorruptible Treasure and for its sake do I not consider all the treasures of the world to be nothing? Why don’t I despise carnal pleasure as hardening my heart, reflecting me from the love of God and my neighbor, and cutting me to death 143? I greedily ate good meat at dinner, and it became a stone in my heart; I didn’t know how to get rid of the tightness, I took a deliberately long walk, but my heart hardened. At a memorial service for Colonel A. A. Petrov, I got rid of cramped conditions by sincerely condemning myself for many of my sins, especially gluttony, this mortal sin, and when I sincerely recognized them and condemned myself and shed tears, then the Lord revived me and I felt at peace and at ease. I called myself a living dead, burying the dead; I am damned, poor, poor, blind and naked. God, have mercy on me! Sunday. Matins and early mass, served by me. I cannot find words how to thank the Lord for the miracles of His power and mercy to me, a sinner, at the beginning of Matins, when He delivered me from the fierce sorrow and distress inflicted on me by an invisible enemy for my rude treatment of the poor, who early asked me for alms; then at the end of Matins, when out of fear I did not say the entire prayer to Christ, the true Light. I read and sang today especially solemnly, loudly, with the greatest faith and hope. At the christening at customs with the ship's caretaker and Alex. Maksimovich Fedorov was very, very hard from enemies for the sake of my addiction to appearance and materiality (scarf, gluttony); Fedorov is tempted because of my apparent flaw in a gold cross for his goddaughter Zinaida (two rubles and fifty kopecks). One must be equally dispassionate both when I acquire and when I myself give or lose something, for everything material is like smoke and dust, only the spiritual and invisible is eternal. You must have all the love and zeal for God and for your soul and your neighbors, and this love dries up due to addiction to sensuality (to food, drink, money, body decorations, to shiny or elegant things, even to spontaneous learning, that is, worldly, not Divine, to books, when someone acquires many books out of addiction and decorates them, and the main content of the only book, the queen of all good books - the Gospel (pure love, truth and shrines) does not know and does not perform). Why am I greatly shaken and overwhelmed by the temptations of the enemy? Because I hear and read the words of Christ in the Gospel and do not fulfill them, indulging in delicacy, intemperance, and greed. There, a long time ago, judgment was pronounced on people like me. The Lord says: everyone who listens to these words of Mine and does not fulfill them will be like a foolish man who built his house on the sand; and the rain came, and the rivers overflowed (as yesterday at the christening), and the winds blew and beat upon that house; and he fell, and his fall was great [Matthew 7:26–27]. I thank the Lord, who showed me gracious help through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother during the service of a prayer of thanks and praise in the House of Diligence on the anniversary of its consecration. I thank the Lord, who in my weakness, strengthened by His grace, overcame my and God’s invisible enemies, who stymied me in words, especially the Gospel ones at the end of the reading. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who allowed me to beg Him about my sin in the movement of heartfelt and carnal voluptuousness from the tenderness of a woman and strengthened my wavering heart with His grace, and then vouchsafed me to sincerely, without stumbling, perform a prayer service with the widow Eulampia. And when the groom slowed down, they all dozed off and fell asleep [Matthew 25:5]. Now this time of terrible, disastrous spiritual slumber has come. Everyone dozes and sleeps, satisfying carnal passions: gluttony, love of money, vanity, ambition, showmanship, malice, envy, etc. I cry and sob because until now I do not love my God with all my heart, with all my thoughts, with all my strength, but I love myself with a false, partial love, I love my many-passionate flesh, which is at war with God and with my own soul; I cry and sob that my heart does not burn with the always bright flame of love, but is often cold, faulty, sluggish, crafty, lazy, careless, unfaithful, unclean, proud, contemptuous, ungrateful, evil, envious, unkind, prodigal, fearful, cowardly, murmuring, selfish, voluptuous, loving, partial, wayward, vain, vain, absurd, wild, devoid of God and His commandments, His will, His holiness and truth, treacherous, deceitful, blasphemous, obscene. Oh, where is the new man in whom I have been clothed with the grace of Baptism, Confirmation, Communion of the Body and Blood of Christ? During Matins, the Lord repeatedly saved me from the teeth of the evil one and gave me rest. I suffered a lot, a lot and cruelly at the beginning of Matins from my stinginess and greed, because of which I made a circle (along Bear and [...] streets and along the Lord's to the cathedral) in order to hide from the beggars. Before mass, I fell into a terrible temptation when I met a poor woman on the stairs, falling on her knees, often coming to me for alms, and asking for one ruble. I angrily refused her and gave her only thirty kopecks. I suffered terribly from the hellish oppression of sin and invisible enemies, and only through the Cherubic song did the Lord deliver me from [...] the burden, and then completely. I received communion with joy and gave a good speech on the late A. A. Petrov. Lord, have mercy! Night. At night, in the first hour, when I was lying on my left side, an unclean dream happened. I woke up and prayed to the Lord with tears for mercy and cleansing. The unclean dream happened from satiety at a delicious, excellent dinner and from attention to a woman’s fading beauty. If there were no evil in the moral world, then rational creatures could not appreciate the goodness given to everyone by God at birth and then throughout life; if there were no suffering, they would not be able to appreciate bliss; any good and bliss is known from its opposite evil and misfortune. If I had not often given myself over to spiritual death for my sins, to temptation, to suffering from fierce demons, from my passions, then I could not highly value the blessings of spiritual life, truth, holiness and integrity, peace, dispassion. I could not deeply value salvation and all the blessings given to me from God, I would not passionately love my Savior, for I would not see from experience what misfortune, destruction, what misfortune, torment, fire, hardship, from how many sins, without exaggeration, countless, he delivers me. So, if there were no evil, on what scale would I value goodness? If there were no death, how would I value life? If there were no illness, would I properly value the gift of health? O my dearest, most beloved Savior, my helper, my protector, my power, my refuge, do not forsake me, the work of Your hands, for I am Your creation, Your redemption. Glory to You, Lord, who has wisely arranged everything. But from what has been said it does not at all follow that we must sin in order to experience the good of God’s salvation, for it is said: should we not do it? evil so that good can come out? [Rom.3:8], but it only follows that without God, even to the threshold and without Him, we cannot do anything truly good and therefore, realizing our weakness, with all our hearts, with all our minds and with all our strength, cling to Him, constantly resort to Him, ask Him, thank and glorify Him and not rely on ourselves, not dream about ourselves, as the fallen Lucifer and Satan with his minions dreamed that we should always to revere your Creator, from Whom is everything and in Whom is everything, and to submit your wills to His perfect, all-wise, all-good, all-powerful, all-righteous, eternal will. Wednesday. I will not leave without heartfelt thanksgiving to my Lord Jesus Christ, who worked in me miracles of His mercy during Matins and especially during Mass in delivering me from my sins and in giving me tears of tenderness, uncondemned communion of the Holy Mysteries and unstumbling, boldly serving the early liturgy in many ways (from Evdokia Leontyeva). Glory to Thy mercy, long-suffering, truth and power, O Lord! Ten o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for His great, all-merciful intercession and deliverance from the torment of the devil, which was revealed to me four times: at the beginning of Matins, before the canon, I was punished for hard-heartedness and intractability towards the poor, and at the end of it (I was upset with the rector for closing the southern doors of the altar), then after Matins at the memorial service at Bolshov (my wife Evdokia Ivanovna died) and finally, after the funeral service, when I went to buy a manual for explaining the divine service (Mikhailovsky 144) and treated the poor tradesman with contempt and anger, sending him away from me. I went into the cathedral to venerate the Holy Altar in repentance. And how quickly the Lord had mercy on me! How I was comforted, pacified, and enjoyed the grace of Christ! From nine o'clock in the morning, when I untimely ate milk, ate scrambled eggs in butter and drank tea, I completely spoiled myself: my heart became cold, my body became heavy, my spirit became sick. In the gymnasium (second grade) I was internally constrained and unusually irritable; my word had no power on the disciples: they did not obey me; I cursed and fumed. Only in the third grade did the students behave well. In the evening, he added a new one to the morning mistake, burdening himself with gluttony at the old woman Ekaterina Stepanovna. During vespers, I became embittered against the rector for closing the southern doors in front of me, through which I went out and in; the spirit of malice scorched me, oppressed me like hell, confused me, killed my soul, but for my repentance the Lord showed me a miracle of mercy and His deliverance, forgiving me of my sins and cooling me with the dew of His grace, giving me peace, freedom, lightness (I firmly venerated the Holy Altar with my heart and lips with faith and trust in immeasurable mercy and was not put to shame, as always). In the apartment of the seamstress Ekaterina Mikhailovna Lebedeva (for [...] a prayer service with an akathist), an evil demon strongly set fire to the sexton with anger and pressed me like hell, I repented and asked the Lord for forgiveness and deliverance, and finally the Lord delivered. At the funeral service of Ivan Ivanovich Bolshov, a merchant, the Lord also delivered him from the attack of the spirit of malice and pacified him. Friday. I thank the Lord for healing me from a headache at twelve o’clock (noon). Thank you for your help and deliverance from invisible adversaries during the service of prayers and memorial services (with Lyubov Nazarova), for deliverance from the movement of carnal lust and evil lust; I thank the Lord for all prosperity, and I thank the Lord for the removal of evil. Saturday. I thank the Lord with all my being for the ineffable mercy and help shown to me during the service of the liturgy outside the city at the cathedral during the funeral service for Evdokia Ivanovna Bolshova, when I was dead in my heart, confused, depressed, fearful, powerless to fight the invisible enemy that had fallen upon me. He took communion without condemnation. After the stolen liberation of the liturgy, I was tormented by the enemy, but the Lord delivered me through intense repentance and strengthened faith in the atoning Blood of the Lord, in His redemptive merits. It’s hard for me to be without liturgy and communion for several days, I’m weakened in spirit, I’m dying spiritually. After Vespers. I thank the Lord for the miracle of mercy and salvation that took place in me at the very beginning of Vespers during repentance and heartfelt falling before the Lord sitting on the throne and kissing his life-giving top. I was killed before the evening by the sins of insane rage against the beggars, slander and cursing with anger (he pulled a boy by the ear in anger). The tightness and burden were hellish, embarrassment, shame. But after intense prayer and fervent kissing with faith and hope of the Holy Throne, the Lord had mercy on me, breaking the bonds of death and giving me peace, freedom, space and boldness. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, who poured out His bounties on me by sending one hundred rubles from St. Petersburg from my spiritual daughter Anna Alekseevna. Save, Lord, Your servant Anna Alekseevna, who You delivered from fierce demons. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who showed me His salvation in fierce demonic temptations after reading the Gospel (unread) and in the prayer of Christ, the true Light (also unread due to demonic delusion). Sunday. I extol, praise and thank my Lord and God Jesus Christ, my Savior, who delivered me from hellish oppression, sorrow and from the iron internal bonds with my heartfelt confession of sins and falling to the life-giving throne (in the Peter and Paul Liturgy) before the Liturgy of the Catechumens itself. Oh, what trouble I was in, either from stinginess and hard-heartedness towards the poor, who, it seemed to me, were drinking away the alms they were given, or from fear of the devil and cowardice and stealing the waste of the funeral service (at the time of removal). Thanks to this grace of deliverance and peace and spiritual freedom, I served the entire mass with dignity, calmly, solemnly, majestically, with boldness; Only after the dismissal of the liturgy and memorial service for Andrei A. Petrov, which I stole from the fear of demons, I again received deadly ulcers in my soul, from which I got rid of through repentance and diligence, with faith and trust in the all-redeeming Blood of the Lord, which I accepted inside, invoking the name of the Lord Jesus Christ. Twice after that the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow: at home in the hall before the image of the Savior and on the street when I walked to the House of Diligence. It is all because of the poor that I am tempted, because of their frequent begging and because of the extreme multitude of those who ask every day and many times, and yet God sends me according to the multitude of those who ask. I thank the Lord for his help in serving the prayer service with M. Britnev with boldness after the reproach and denunciation of us, the cathedral clergy, for the speedy service of Sunday matins and mass (Fr. Alexander served in the Duma Church with Deacon Vladimir). After Vespers. Before the great litany, disembodied enemies usually instilled in me fear, timidity, a painful, cowardly fear that I would not pronounce the petitions, but I dared in hope of the Lord, began to speak loudly, forcefully, and the Lord helped me to pronounce this entire litany and the following ones to the end, without stumbling, with great boldness and strength. Glory to the Lord! At Compline, the enemy intimidated and confused me with a biased memory of my crosses - precious and silver-gilded, but I begged the Lord to drive away delusion from my heart, and He drove away and pacified me again, His unworthy servant. Since I began taking out parts from the prosphora for the mayor and my wife, they have become surprisingly kind and gentle towards the poor. God forbid! Give this, O Mother of God! At two christenings in church (two babies) and in Shubina’s house at the accountant’s, he baptized with the help of God with great boldness and inner consolation. I thank the Lord. In the evening I visited the Grechukhins. I read all of Job. Damned, I did not partake of the Holy Mysteries on October 18th with sincere faith, but with the internal interrogation of my evil heart. Oh, let me reject my wicked, blind, stupid, most absurd heart! In the morning. The morning is full of God’s greatest mercies for me: at the beginning of Matins there is strong agony with demons, which ends in the victory of God’s grace and life-giving peace, boldness in service and strength. I thank the Lord, who has not cast me away from His presence. Evening. This day is full of God's mercies towards me. He performed the Liturgy by the grace of God with great boldness, although at the beginning he felt great weakness, for he did not have time to rest; received communion without condemnation and, by the grace of God, defeated the powerful intrigues of the enemy. He [said] the entire prayer behind the pulpit, not all of the dismissal. After the funeral service, there is crowding due to the suppression of the dismissal of the first words: Risen from the dead, Christ, our true God, etc.; through prayer he was delivered from it and awarded peace. Memorial service in the Mast [yard]; he stole his release and therefore suffered, then repented, going to the gymnasium and leaving the droshky; after repentance he received forgiveness. Before Vespers, at Vespers, he was repeatedly awarded pardon, and after Vespers. Going to the gymnasium in the evening, I again received forgiveness: two beggars met me and asked for alms, I was angry with them, threatened to put them in prison - and I put myself in an inner heart prison and cramped space and only got rid of it through repentance. Eleven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who mercifully accepted my prayer of repentance in the apartment of Ya. Markov, who delivered me from the cramped conditions and sorrow that befell me for my hard-heartedness towards the poor, and who granted me forgiveness and peace and justification by His grace. Holy Evangelist Luke. I thank the Lord for my repeated deliverance during Matins from the evil deceit of crafty demons and for my unfaltering, bold reading of the Holy Gospel. I thank the Lord for the deliverance completed in me this very minute from the new cunning of the demons, which tormented and depressed me. I prayed fervently to the Lord several times and received mercy and deliverance, joy, peace, and ease. Ten o'clock in the evening. Now the Lord has twice delivered me from the cruel cramps of hell that befell me for my hardness of heart and bitterness towards the poor, who came several times to receive alms. The Lord accepted my deep and long repentance and my great faith and great hope in God’s mercy and gave me forgiveness and peace. And during mass, how many times did the Lord have mercy on me, especially after mass (Procopius put a lot of incense and left; I was upset with him). During Vespers I was in the greatest battle with the enemies, I tried to overcome their anger, I could not (at the Great Litany), from one glance at Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina I became indignant and became embittered at her for [looking] at me. He spoke all the litanies with difficulty, fighting with enemies. And after Vespers the Lord delivered many times. All my fierce daily sins come from love for this adulterous and sinful, transitory world, for my many-passionate flesh, for my belly, for money, from my worldly merging! Either anger towards a person, then the seduction of a person as a beautiful thing, and not a moral being, then a passion for money, then for clothes, then for differences, then for the body, for health - that’s what torments me. I thank the Lord, who opens for me the gates of the fifty-fifth year of His goodness (the day of my birth and baptism). I thank the Lord, who showed me His all-powerful help in my hellish struggle during Matins (and the struggle was because of yesterday’s gluttony with Zakharia Ivanovich Sidorov, a tanner, and Olga Mikhailovna, and because of the many gifts of my spiritual daughters to me, the birthday boy). Lord, have mercy. While reading the canons at the very end on the ninth song, the enemy caught me on a bookmark with anger at the sexton Mikhail A. Bystryakov, who did not discard the bookmarks, but is he to blame? Oh, insane audacity! Evening. I glorify the mercies of the Lord, poured out on me abundantly during the liturgy in delivering me from cramped conditions and granting tearful tenderness and non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries; Only when reading the prayer behind the pulpit, read before the throne, from demonic fear I stumbled and did not utter some words (You glorify those with Your Divine power), especially at the end of the prayer. From now on it was cramped and I couldn’t speak calmly. At Vespers, God's new greatest help after the release of the stolen goods, especially after the release of Compline. But the greatest deliverance was granted to me by the Lord at seven o’clock in the evening, at the end, when I deeply repented of my hardness of heart and the wounding of a beggar boy who persistently asked for alms another time (I pinched his chin hard, and he fell and roared throughout the city). A terrible tightness came over me and lasted for a long time until I, through deep and long repentance, asked for freedom from the tightness and the peace of God. Our adversary the devil daily and every minute intensifies to suppress our spirit with shame, humiliation, despondency, despair, embarrassment, fear and fear where there is nothing terrible, with evil suspicion and evil towards many people. (How terribly he suppressed my spirit, for example, yesterday at the end of the liturgy while reading the prayer behind the pulpit, and in confusion and crampedness I hesitated to utter some words.) Only with the help of God’s grace do I get rid of the all-suppressing breath of the enemy, and not without difficulty, for I am multi-passionate, and he confuses me with my passions like nets. You need to get rid of passions, defeat passions, discard them, despise the flesh and the world, but be diligent about the souls, things more immortal 145, direct all your desire to the Lord, all the love of your heart. We must look people directly, boldly and cheerfully in the eyes. Evening. I thank the Lord, the conqueror of hell and death, who has conquered hell and death in me many times today during my service of Matins and before the liturgy in the cathedral during my repentance and my falling to the throne of grace and mercy. He performed the entire Liturgy with great boldness, took communion with a living feeling, said the prayer behind the pulpit and pronounced the dismissal with the greatest boldness and strength, trampling upon the cunning of the enemy, which was common in this case. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the deceits of the serpents after the prayer service and litany at Zecharia Ivanovich Sidorov and from hellish oppression and shame (at the prayer service I hesitated to read the Gospel of prayer and the Blessing of Water, the Great Litany of the Blessing of Water, and therefore I was extremely embarrassed and oppressed). The fall of the human race was allowed by God through the temptation of an evil demon in order for the infinite truth of God to be revealed, as well as the immeasurable love of God for fallen and repentant sinners, so that the grace, generosity and love for mankind of the Son of God would appear, for the sake of the salvation of sinners, who had to become man, suffer, and die, and rise again, and ascend to where he came from, and bring with Him what was deified humanity, so that the infinite wisdom of God in the economy of salvation may be revealed. From such a depth of fall, from such a stench and dishonor of sin, from such a terrible, endless destruction, to elevate a person to the dignity of a child of God, to the dignity of deification - oh, what immeasurable goodness, the wisdom of God! What omnipotence is the sacrifice of the Son of God on the cross! What power and strength of God’s truth, punishing for sin and merciful for repentance and faith! The salvation of mankind is sacredly accomplished, among other things, by mutual prayer and the promotion of love of some people for others, especially the prayers and assistance of the Most Holy Theotokos, the holy Angels and the holy saints of God, the prayers and assistance of the militant Church on earth and its members one for the other. Pray for one another to be healed [James 5:16]. I ask you to make prayers, petitions, intercessions, and thanksgivings for all people, for kings and for all those in authority, so that we may lead a quiet and serene life in all godliness and purity [1 Timothy 2:1–2]. That is why the Holy Church prays daily, according to the commandment of Christ and the Apostles. I thank the Lord, who showed His wondrous mercy and power in me when I served Matins in the cathedral (litany of the Midnight Office); In the end, the adversary confused and deprived me of the word (litany of supplication and apology and Christ, Light) [by the charm] of a newly gilded cross. Oh, the shattering of 146 paths! Are you confusing the servants of God? Am I not already a slave to gold?! God, deliver me from destructive delusion, from You and from Your life and from Your truth, separating me and plunging me into the unity of the world. I thank the Lord for the numerous miracles of His mercy in me and His power performed during the liturgy, especially at the end of it, after the absolution of absolution through the work of the devil at the liturgy and at the memorial service. I suffered with a stubborn demon, but after intense struggle I defeated him by the grace of Christ. During Vespers and Compline, especially after Compline, I was delivered by the grace of Christ from the painful wiles and torments of the enemy. Prayer services to the rule of Semyonova (own house), at Karolya’s in [Tomilova’s] house with God’s help, successfully, sincerely, gracefully. Saturday. Kazan Icon of the Blessed Virgin Mary. I thank the Lord for the greatest gracious help against the greatest temptations of Satan, for the greatest zeal during singing and reading, for the uncondemned communion of the Holy Mysteries by me and some laymen and laywomen, from St. Petersburg and here, for help in serving numerous prayer services (temptations from the beauty of women’s faces, Bykova in particular, who truly has angelic beauty, the perfection of fading bodily beauty, and she something is wrong with the gilding of my pectoral cross: it’s a pity that it doesn’t smoke, as if gold is weaker than smoke and as if it is worth it to occupy the mind and heart and hurt the soul, to deprive it of communication with God, with His grace; from the side of food and drink, from the infirmities of my flesh (pain in the legs and nervous irritation throughout the body), from the side of money). Oh, what an all-nasty, all-passionate, all-evil heart! He is seduced by beauty, he is disgusted by ugliness and shunned. He is captivated by the visible, he places nothing on the invisible, that is, the soul, and in it there is shrine and truth, which is its true beauty. Oh, the Divine beauty of the image of God! How much more beautiful is the prototype itself - the Lord God! How is it that my soul is not always captivated by Him, or by Him and in Himself! Be careful that your heart, which should be the temple of the Holy Spirit, belongs only to God and no creature, no man, so that it does not make various idols for itself in the form of a beautiful woman, or a beautiful thing, or some jewelry, or money, or the beauty of a home and its furnishings, or even beautiful books, for they too can be idols in a certain sense (for example, when a book is loved for its beautiful binding or beautiful printing and paintings), or in the form of insignia, or in the form of food and drinks, or in the form of beautiful clothes, or in the form of one’s own person and one’s [...]. For a Christian, even a seemingly pious one, can and does have many idols. The disembodied enemy sows tares everywhere, builds a nest for himself in all hearts and lives in them either permanently or temporarily, and therefore it is extremely necessary for everyone to stay awake and always pray to God in sincere repentance in spirit and truth, and break the idols of delusion, and make in oneself a church to the only God, decorate it so that impurity and the filth of sin do not penetrate into it. God is the all-sufficient good for every rational being, there is true, eternal life, incomparable, eternal beauty, sweetness, an inestimable and inexhaustible treasure, immortal, incorruptible food and inexhaustible drink of our soul, the incorruptible, most radiant, beautiful robe of glory, the sweet breath of our souls, the most holy sun of every soul that loves God - everything for us. God will be all things in all [1 Corinthians 15:28]. After early mass. I thank, extol and glorify the most merciful Lord for delivering my wretchedness, firstly, from the voluptuous movement of the flesh just before Matins in the Assumption Church, and secondly, from the movement of the devil’s malice in my heart against the St. Petersburg resident of the merchant Nikolai (from the Intercession) who came to the altar during the proskomedia: at that time I left with slight grief at the untimely arrival in altar, and he left immediately. But during the celebration of the Holy Gifts, the enemy aroused in me the memory and embitterment of him with extreme, tormenting force in my soul. I was in terrible captivity from the enemy and with extreme difficulty I was delivered through repentance and intense prayer and falling to the throne of mercy, and the Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from the drowning of the devil’s malice. At that time (temptations) against Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, the devil excited me because she sent strangers to me at the altar at the wrong time, although not intending to tempt me, and after that there was this excitement against her when I went out to give Holy Communion to Nicholas, and she stood on the salt and said something to him; I sent her to her place and she left. And at the end of the liturgy and prayer service, I was fiercely tempted by Belial and broke down, cowering before the holy altar, but the Lord, the Most Merciful, delivered me and allowed me to peacefully consume the Holy Mysteries. Officer Kulagin in the Training [crew] could not serve a prayer service due to his extremely sweaty state (I was wearing underwear that looked like it was in water). And then I’m healthy because I didn’t go to the bathhouse (for a long time). At Lieutenant Maksimov's (in [Ton's] house) he performed the christening with extreme embarrassment and omitted words and expressions and entire speeches due to the frivolity and lack of faith of the officers; Later I learned that the prayer was not given to the mother in labor, and the baby was not named according to church rites, but by the parents themselves. I approached the Lord to have mercy on me, and He usually had mercy. In the evening, the Lord had the greatest mercy on me when I sincerely repented and condemned myself for the rude refusal of alms to the Chukhon youth and for kicking him with my foot, having with me the Holy Gifts, with which I went to the sick Semgina. A boy of about thirteen pestered me a lot, and I had no time. Oh, how hard it was for me, who sinned, and how easy it became after repentance and forgiveness of sins! Glory to Your long-suffering, O Lord! Glory to Your mercy, invincible by our malice! October 23. Sunday. He sinned grievously: again and again he placed the creature above the Creator, even inanimate matter - gold and precious stones, which are the same as dust. Oh, madness, absurdity, ugliness, insolence and ingratitude, senselessness, blind partiality! Oh, covetousness, insolence, ingratitude, idolatry! Oh, the devil's resistance to God! Oh, contradiction to the Gospel, to your mind and heart! Oh, preparing myself for eternal torment, for separation forever from God and the holy Angels, while I must move with quick steps towards holiness, towards love of God, towards rejection of the blessings of this corruptible world and towards the Kingdom of Incorruptibility, the visible sign of which is the holy incorruptible relics. Monday. I thank my Lord Jesus Christ for the immeasurable mercy shown to me in the church, to which I deliberately came after mass to repent and venerate the holy altar in order to seek forgiveness of the sin that oppressed me, which I received, and went, rejoicing and thanking the Lord, who delivered me from spiritual trouble (catching a demon during a prayer service at a seamstress in the house of Lyubov Petrovna Estafieva). I thank the Lord for the success during the service of prayers in the hallway of the bourgeois council (at the caretaker Arkhip), at Maria Dmitrievna and Nikolai Nazar, in the house of Krayushk. and Nikolai Vas., a fruit grower. I prayed secretly before the prayers began, and the Lord helped me overcome my sins and passions. The seed of the word of God was quickly trampled upon [Luke 8:5] - that is, when we hear and do not fulfill the words of God, we do not do good deeds: alms, abstinence, etc. I visited Brown in the evening, read in the Kronstadt Bulletin about the grievance of the Duma's representatives and [...] against the magistrate Volkov, who accused them of stealing public money and neglecting the poor. He behaved somewhat flatteringly. Tuesday. Morning. I thank the Lord for deliverance through the prayer of repentance from the hellish tightness and sorrows of the heart that befell me for my anger towards the innocent and ardently devoted Paraskeva Kovrigina for the excess of unreasonable love and frequent kissing of the hand, which I was extremely tired of, and for the fear and man-pleasing during the confession of Evdokia Faddeevna Gerasimova with silence and theft of the devil’s words rite “How soon will communion be given to the sick person.” My grief was hellish, and the Lord delivered me from it through prayer of repentance and falling to the holy throne of grace. Great is Your mercy, Lord. Glory to You! Wednesday. After early mass. I thank the Lord for his infinitely great mercy - for serving the liturgy without stumbling and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the revitalization of my soul, deadened by sin, for renewal, for heavenly peace, for the gift of bodily health, for all His powers that acted and are acting in me life-giving. Amen. Liturgy for Paul, Servant of God. At two and a half hours I went to St. Petersburg, and on the ship and in the capital I saw miracles of God’s visitation and salvation in me: on the ship - from the carnal sweetness that began in my heart and insides from contact with women who, out of Christian love, were affectionate towards me beyond measure, in which excitement, involuntary in me, I repented to the Lord; in the capital - out of impatience and anger at Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina for leading me to the Passage and wanting to lead me through it, while I considered this indecent for a priest, and therefore we walked along Nevsky and turned into the street, walked around. Here I was twice attacked by anger and tormented, oppressed, tied my heart and tongue, and only as a result of strong repentance before the Lord in a secret way, I finally got rid of the devil’s malice and oppression and was honored with righteousness, goodness of heart, and the peace of God, and the light of God, and the space of the heart. God bless! In the apartment of the merchant Kiselev (Mikhail Evg.), where I spent the night, I had a bad dream (adulterous), which drew the vital juices out of me and chilled me. He got up, and Kiselyov was lying drunk on the rug by the bed. I secretly said prayers against desecration. How unpleasant, how bad you feel after a bad sleep! Like a mountain will fall on you. God! Cleanse me with Your mercy and grant me sanctification! I thank the Lord, who kept me healthy in the city of Petrov (with numerous hospitality) and in moderation. I thank the Lord, who accomplished in me His wondrous, sovereign salvation from deadening sorrow and oppression during Matins and then many times during Mass, especially after I unnecessarily shortened the reading of the prayer behind the pulpit, reading aloud only the end of it, and then the dismissal of the liturgy (also shortened). A lesson to me: never, to please anyone, shorten or not read prayers and Gospels or litanies and exclamations at all. I thank the Lord for your help during the service of the all-night vigil at Yudenich Paraskeva Alex. He baptized a diver (village Kalmyk) and held a prayer service with Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleynikova (served very easily). Yudenich has difficulty. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from grief and distress for irritation and anger at the sexton Dobryakov for his mistake in singing the stichera at the lithium. The Lord mercifully accepted my repentance about my malice when I touched the Holy Throne at the Intercession with my heart and lips. God bless! To a wavering soul. Have you had a bad time with God? Have you heard that it's bad? Was it not good for you, more than all earthly good, to be at public prayer or in private conversations and readings? Why did you doubt? What are you disgusted with? I was in a terrible temptation of embarrassment, overcrowding, coldness, irritation and anger at every trifle today during the early mass for the servant of God Andrey [...] and I probably believe that this happened because yesterday I was sated with the best salmon with a bun from the birthday girl Paraskeva Ivanovna Oleynikova. I endured hellish sorrows and torment, dishonor today, especially after the Trisagion hymn before the Cherubim or the Great Entrance and after it (I was offended that Procopius, the altar watchman, sent his little son to serve the censer, then he himself rattled some things and that my St. Petersburg confessors seemed to have overslept). I was afraid that grace would completely abandon me and deliver me into the hands of the devil, and indeed I served the entire mass in the confusion and cramped conditions of hell, extremely unworthily. Woe to me, wretched one! I didn’t read all of the prayer behind the pulpit, not all of the dismissal, not all of the Gospel at the prayer service, and very little at another. The terrible cramped conditions did not allow me to say a word. Finally, God’s mercy prevailed for repentance, faith and hope, and by consuming the Holy Mysteries I was freed from all troubles. God bless! He sinned gravely before the Lord - he greedily and hastily ate cabbage soup and meat at dinner, for which he was punished by the deprivation of God's grace during the service of the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church, an extreme disposition to sleep, yawning, relaxation of soul and body, coldness and iciness of the heart, fear of demons when reading the Gospel (he was naked and plunged into the sea [ John 21:7 ] - I was ashamed to read these words in my unclean, prodigal heart), with shame and shame in my heart and on my face when I brought the Gospel into the middle and while standing in front of it. I stole my release due to drowsiness and possession from the devil, Christ, the True Light, was closed by the singers at my beck. At Kromido's on Galkinskaya Street, a prayer service was served following preliminary secret prayer regularly, without stumbling, boldly, with rage against demons. After the prayer service it was suggested that we have some apple pie. I had a bite. Home on horseback; At home I ate meat and milk again. Extra. Greed again; I condemn myself. How can I bear the fruit of the seed of the word of God in me, when various passions and worldly addictions to earthly beauties and sweets, like hellish thorns, prevent it from growing and choke it, suppress it, overpower it? I thank the Lord, who raised me up for the morning praise for the All-Night Vigil (in the morning at five o’clock) and to sing the stichera and read the canon. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the liturgy without stumbling (except for the prayer behind the pulpit) and to deliver to the people Chrysostom’s discourse on the sower and the seed. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from cramped conditions at the end of the prayer service and memorial service in the church. I thank the Lord, who showed me help during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism in Yakovleva’s house (Novaya Street). I thank the Lord, who delivered me from adulterous thoughts and movements of the heart at home and at M. F. Alekseev’s (the pictures at home in Niva are seductive and infectious). In the morning I lost my voice due to a visit to Lieutenant Alekseev - an extremely warm, damp apartment in which the window was open, and I, sweating, read a book out loud. And he came out sweaty and lay down in the cold bed. I thank the Lord, who showed help during the prayer service on Ekaterininskaya Street at the janitor Petrov. Rus.: Make my tongue clear, my Savior, widen my lips and fill them, wound my heart, so that I follow what I say and what I teach, I myself first create: for whoever creates and teaches, You said, he is great. For if I speak and do not do, I will turn out to be like ringing brass. Therefore, grant me to speak appropriately and do useful things, O One who knows what is in the hearts. The Supreme Apostles Peter and Paul, at Matins the canon, ikos according to the 6th ode. To rip (Church Glav.) - to rush in impulses. This refers to the repeatedly published “Explanation of Orthodox Liturgy” by Archpriest Vasily Yakovlevich Mikhailovsky. General Troparion to the Saint, tone 8. Clay (Church Glav.) – clay, dirt; dust, ashes.