Май 1881 г.

Friday. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance of malice, hard-heartedness and stinginess regarding the poor (at whom I shouted with indignation and annoyance for the gathering at an early time - I was going to matins and early mass in the cathedral) and who delivered me from fierce sorrow and crampedness, who exchanged death for life, confusion for silence, crampedness for space, cowardice for boldness, longing for joy. I thank the Lord, who has abundantly filled my soul with the living water of the Holy Spirit, flowing from church sources - liturgical canons, stichera, psalms and from the Holy Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments. When you perform proskomedia, pay attention to yourself and the holy work, firmly perform it with reverence and sincere love for the Lord, for the Mother of God and for all the saints, as well as for Christians still living on earth and for those who have passed on to another life, for you are performing the greatest, most sacred, all-saving or world-saving Sacrament, namely, you are performing a heavenly, terrible, all-conciliatory and all-purifying Sacrament, the ever-holy Sacrifice for everyone and for everything; Do not weaken at all in your heart, do not faint in faith, but be strong; pronounce the names with attention and love and with the firm Christian hope that Christ God will wash away the sins of those remembered with His honest Blood. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling, with sincere feeling and tenderness, in a clear, loud, separate voice. How many deliverances there were during the liturgy and during the memorial service! Glory to the Lord! Saturday. I thank the Lord, who has deigned me to now perform the early liturgy, although with stumbling, powerlessness and embarrassment at the great entrance when pronouncing the names of the royal persons, out of the impurity of my heart due to the violation of the fast of Wednesday and gluttony on the ship "Nadezhda" after the prayer service. But apart from this stumbling block, he accomplished everything else successfully: First, remember, Lord, the prayer behind the pulpit and the dismissal. Evening. I thank the Lord, who gave me, rude, gluttonous, tender prayer during the all-night vigil for one search and desire for it and lofty thoughts regarding priestly service. Due to gluttony and satiety, I, however, turned out to be powerless against the devil’s machinations before speaking and during the saying of absolution and prayer to Christ, the true Light, and could not speak of absolution, and in that prayer the words: correct our feet to do Thy commandments. And as a result of this powerlessness, what internal shame, what a relationship with an adversary, what an evil torment of my soul! But the Lord delivered me from all this for the prayer of faith and repentance. But when will I get rid of this slavish, humiliating, deadening state of mind? When will I get rid of cowardice, fearfulness, suspiciousness, timidity when addressing the people? When will I stop being ashamed of myself and of dear and sacred names and words in prayers and dismissals? What kind of Satanic meanness is this?! God! Deliver me from his traps and dirty tricks. And my embarrassment, although hidden as much as possible, has a bad effect on the people standing in the church, causing confusion and some frustration in their souls due to the action of evil spirits and noisy talkativeness when leaving the church, which does not happen when I complete the service without stumbling. Milk (in combination with oranges) is burdensome for me and makes me extremely sleepy. Resurrection. A priest, in his spirit, must always be higher than the masses of people present during the divine service, no matter who they consist of: higher in the spirit of faith, hope, courage and boldness, in the sense of his priestly dignity, although as a person he is not alien to sins; he must rule in his spirit over the congregation as a spiritual ruler, and not be a fearful and timid slave. If he sins, he sins against his Master - the Lord, Who is able to cleanse and have mercy on His servant. You alone have sinned [Ps.50:6]. All shrine, all the truth of the Divine, all the light, all the wisdom of God rested in the Most Holy Virgin Theotokos forever and ever, for God rests entirely in Her forever, united and merged with Her with His shrine and truth, light and wisdom. Glory to Thee, Lady! But remember us, Most Holy Virgin, accursed, darkened and killed at every hour by sins, and deliver us from them. Yesterday, on Sunday, it was very painful for me in the morning, but especially during mass from a burning pain in the lower back, and in all the insides, except for the lungs, liver, and so on. I thought I had caught a cold in my apartment during the night or that it would rain heavily. The latter turned out to be true: in the evening it began to rain heavily (during Vespers), and it rained for a long time; After Vespers I felt much better. Invisible enemies bothered me in a very strong way, like a lion, during the liturgy. But I read the pulpit well, said the sermon and dismissed him boldly. Received life-giving communion. At the great entrance, because of the prosphoras, the enemy confused and confused the two. Who is without sin? I will take them at my own expense. After Matins. I thank the Lord for His great help to me during the service of Matins, for the spiritual delights during reading and singing. But while speaking, Christ, the True Light, at the end he stumbled and did not say: to do Thy commandments, through the prayers of Thy Most Pure Mother - due to the malice of invisible enemies. After Matins, a prayer service with the image of the Iveron Mother of God was held by fellow countrywoman Pelageya Korkonosova... It’s their anniversary, fifty years. Remember them at mass. Slept before mass. I saw Archpriest Father Pavel to be very affectionate and helpful, he undertook to serve Vespers for me, and I was going to give a prayer to someone, I searched for a long time, wandered, did not find it, finally I found them walking with the icon on the ice - along the sea or along the Neva... (What a mess!) After mass. I thank the Lord for the miracles of His mercy during the liturgy, for the Lord, having allowed me, for my gluttony and drowsiness, to be tempted at the great entrance by the work of the devil (fear and weakness, powerlessness of the heart when speaking), then raised and strengthened me, who had fallen, and pacified me, granting me to perform the rest of the liturgy without stumbling and to receive life-giving communion, with tenderness of the Holy Mysteries. First remember, I said everything. I thank the Lord, who, by His mercy, delivered me in my apartment from lust when looking at the beauty of a woman, which weakened and tormented me; I inwardly repented to the Lord, who tests hearts and wombs, and I was cleansed, healed, pacified, and expanded in heart. Glory to His goodness, His truth and holiness, His goodness and prompt obedience. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the enemy’s captivity and cramped conditions in Brown’s apartment after kissing all of them and the girls; Because of kissing these last ones, the enemy killed my soul, which the Lord revived and delivered for repentance. Tuesday. I fell into a terrible, acute temptation today during Matins because of yesterday’s double gluttony and satiety at the Brown and Sidorovs (Zachary and Olga), because of the intonation of the voice of sexton Mikhail Alekseevich Bystryakov that I did not like when singing Lord, have mercy in a low bass, drawn-out voice; I hated him spiritually and as a result I became extremely confused and fell into spiritual death; The devil thus caught me, entered my heart and tormented me extremely for half an hour or more, and it served me right. I prayed, repented, cried after Matins, shrank, broke from the deadly, extremely poisonous, burning remorse of the serpent. It is remarkable that, while pleasing the belly, I also fall away from love, becoming suspicious, picky, impatient, irritable, angry, restless; the trouble is satiety according to its consequences: the soul dies from it, enemies conveniently overcome and captivate it, torment it as their captive, for the Lord retreats from it. I thank the Lord, who put down the rebellion of lust and its organ with the sign of the cross, when I lay down to rest after Matins. It was extremely difficult for me to serve mass because of fierce temptations, great tightness in my heart, fear, suspicion, evil suspiciousness, melancholy, despondency, hostility; They gave a memorial to Lamanova (the original woman, like her husband - Father Paul), and I was embarrassed, feeling hostility towards both of them, and in this I sinned before God. I must love everyone as I love myself, and pray for them with a sincere desire for the best, as well as for the Lamanovs, as well as the Trachevskys and Klepachevskys. Evening. By singing and reading during the service in church (the all-night vigil), I achieved the great grace of God: the superiority of the spirit over the flesh, peace of mind and contentment, not being charmed by oneself, joy and bliss, victory over all passions - and I performed the unction after the all-night vigil unwaveringly (on Pavlovskaya Street in Zaitsev’s house), but after the whole service, when I went to visit, I became gluttonous and drunkenness again lost this great grace and again gave the preponderance of the flesh over the spirit. How long will I trample on the gifts of God! How long will I irritate the Lord!.. With what a solemn spirit yesterday I sang to the Lord and read in the church before His face! How much grace I have drawn into my heart! What boldness I received before my family! What boldness before God and people! The great release spoke boldly, without stumbling, whereas before, at a crowded meeting for demonic insurance, he hid it out of embarrassment and fear. Wednesday. Puberty and birth of the heir to the throne, Nikolai Alexandrovich. I thank the Lord for three great miracles of His mercy over me, a sinner: first, for deliverance from spiritual death that followed as a result of grief at the abbot (internal, secret) because of the lack of decent vestments and vestments for the cathedral service (I had my own vestment); I was internally upset, indignant, angry with him, resisted (diabolical resistance because of perishable clothing, but where is the incorruptible, most precious treasure of a Christian man - sincere, pure, selfless, all-covering and all-enduring love for one's neighbor and, most of all, selfless love for God, who created us in His image in incorruption?). Through sincere, zealous repentance and falling to the holy throne in the Intercession and Peter and Paul side churches, the Lord raised me from the dead, giving me life and peace with spiritual space, and I was very calm during the cathedral liturgy; at the great entrance, out of ordinary devilish fear and fear, embarrassment, defeat of the heart by ethereal enemies, I did not pronounce out loud the name of the heir to the crown prince, and for this again death struck my heart, again I repented, diligently calling on the name of the Lord Jesus, and again received salvation; finally, just before communion of the Holy Mysteries, I whined to the Lord with particular force about the House of Diligence and was not entirely firm in my heart in faith and hope in receiving what I asked for, and therefore my heart was somewhat restless, and I received communion not quite calmly and after that I was somewhat worried from embarrassment and crampedness, but the power of faith in the Sacrament, in the all-reconciling and all-purifying Blood of the Lord, delivered me from all crampedness and from any hesitation and gave me peace. Glory to the triumph of God's mercy over our sins and weaknesses. I thank the Lord for deliverance from prodigal delusion and excitement. On the night of May 7, in a vision I saw an Angel, as white as snow, flying down from somewhere and hovering in the air before me, but saying nothing to me. I looked at the wondrous sight and gazed into his face, calling out to him to come closer to me, but I realized that my heart was unclean and I was unworthy of his company. So he disappeared from my eyes, not coming near me because of my uncleanness, for I need to cleanse my heart. Alas for me! Out of my own waywardness, the serpent stung me greatly with the sting of anger against the kindly sexton Mikhail Alekseevich Bystryakov for one drawn-out sound (-lui) in a short prayer, Lord, have mercy, and not once, but twice and thrice after repentance and pardon each time by the Lord. After Matins, I touched the holy throne (at the Intercession) for a long time in repentance, and finally the Most Merciful delivered and healed, and pacified my soul. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from an attack of prodigal abomination for my repentance and my intense prayer for this. After high school. I thank You, Lord, for the great miracles of Your mercy and salvation, revealed in me, a sinner, at the beginning of mass itself, during communion of the Holy Mysteries, but especially after mass, after my fuss with the poor, and especially with a tall, young, healthy young man, who lives only by importunate begging and I don’t know when he worked for anything. Through him I became greatly upset and irritated, falling into a fiery, acute temptation that mortally struck me. I got rid of him in the meteorological garden of the training crew or against the Sea Court, strengthened by repentance and faith in the redemptive merits of the Lord Jesus Christ, in His goodness invincible by our sins, in His irresistible power to have mercy and save us from all lawlessness. Oh, what torment and death of soul I was delivered from and what mercy, what peace, what space and lightness of soul, what wonderful renewal I was granted from the Lord! How my delivered soul rejoiced! How she glorified the Savior, so benevolent, gracious and beneficial! Oh, how I greatly angered the Lord with my stinginess, rage, and hard-heartedness, and when? After communion of the Holy Mysteries! Oh, ingratitude before God! Oh, everyday passions! O addiction to the flesh and to the world! I thank the Lord, who repeatedly saved me during the All-Night Vigil of St. John the Theologian from the manifold wiles of the evil one and who gave me great boldness and bliss to sing stichera and read and sing the canon of Saints John the Theologian and Venerable Arsenius the Great. Temptation due to the carbon deposits that fell on the area of ​​the candle that was burning and burning, and the absence of the altar watchman; deliverance from him before the memorial service for the servant of God Jacob on Pavlovskaya Street in the house of Zaitsev. The devil constantly strives to arouse displeasure and grief in our hearts against each other because of empty things, depriving us of mutual love and peace and introducing, if possible, enmity between loved ones. But Christian love overthrows the plans of the evil enemy and covers up human weaknesses and mistakes, their evil with love, meekness, patience, kindness, humility, simple-heartedness, helpfulness, and mercy. A sinner, through the action of the devil, sometimes dreams that God is like him and can sin, or that the saints are like him, a sinner, in thoughts and feelings of sin, forgetting that just as heaven is separated from earth, so are the thoughts of God from our thoughts and the ways of God from our ways [Isa. 55:9], and that the saints, by the grace of God, are holy in everything and have nothing to do with sin. My poor soul! She often, often has within herself an invisible rider - the devil, who sits on her like a horseman, because of her inclination to evil, crafty and unclean lusts and, like reins, entangles her with passions, like a bridle, bridles her and, like a collar, burdens her mental neck with sins. But, oh, if only she had the Lord as her rider and the Holy Spirit, ruling her at all times! Lord, have mercy on my soul! I thank the Lord for the successful service of the early liturgy with tenderness and tears and for the communion of the heavenly and life-giving Mysteries by me and my spiritual children. Oh Lord! Grant me to respect and love them as they respect and love me, and never neglect them in any way. At the great entrance, the adversary relaxed my heart and, through vain fear and powerlessness of the heart, [strengthened] to tear out the words or names pronounced on it. But I strained my heart strength and pronounced these names out loud and - thank God! I didn’t let the enemy laugh at me! After the all-night vigil. The Lord Jesus Christ showed me a wondrous and great deliverance, a wondrous and great help, during the all-night vigil on St. Nicholas Day: for the first time, before reading the Gospel in the middle of the church, he delivered me from the acute, burning, poisonous, deadly, troublesome temptation of the devil over my grief at the sexton Bystryakov for his sluggishness and yawning when I had to take the candle from my hands after magnification before the incense of the icon, altar and other things, and, secondly, during the canon, when the enemy offended me prelutto about the desire with partiality for a treat from someone; With the hope of all-conquering mercy, I was rewarded with forgiveness and peace, and, no matter how the enemy hesitated later, grace overcame confusion and death of the heart, bestowing peace and boldness and showing help in saying goodbye with great boldness and immutability. In a dream on the night of May 9, the Lord allowed me to see how many demons sometimes attack me, treacherous over me in various ways. I heard (in a dream) someone’s disorderly screams; I looked, standing at the top of a kind of covered staircase, and I saw them, obscene, a great many, large and small, ugly, unclean, disheveled, and all of them, like playful boys, frightened by a strict boss, rushed to run from one glance of mine, looking back at me with various abusive cries, and I, knowing that these are demons, drive them away with the sign of the cross; my heart, however, feeling that these were demons in human form, felt some fear; Then I felt that these evil spirits began to throw stones at me from afar, but by the grace of God a tent appeared above me from all sides, completely covering me, so that no matter which way I wanted to look, I could no longer see them and could not be hurt by them. Glory, Lord, to Your mercy! Yes, and often unclean spirits appear in a dream under different forms or in the form of different personalities, women or men, acquaintances or strangers, and in this form they tempt us to sin, for example, to fornication, or to anger, or to laughter, or create demonic fear in us, or present us with various foods and drinks, inciting greed and gluttony. Was I created by God in the beginning as I am now? Isn't it pure and undefiled? Yes, I was created in truth and in the glory of truth. Why am I now so unclean, and sin, as if out of some necessity, bursts into my soul like a stormy hurricane, and defiles me, and confuses me, and torments me, and torments me with its deadly breath? You, Lord, who know all my corruption, consume in me this manifold sin, this many-headed monster, this ugliness, this madness, nonsense, this mental darkness, this absurdity, this insolence against You, against Your wise and vital laws. In the evening. I thank the Lord, who has surprised me this day with His mercy and power in delivering me many times over from many of the wiles of the devil and from my passions: from guile, suspiciousness, suspicion (during a prayer service at Valikov’s outside the city), from anger and bitterness towards the sexton Mikhail Alekseevich Bystryakov, who left his home straight to Sampson I. Denisov on a prayer service, and not to the one who came to me (I was looking for him); I was irritated, but, having repented, I received mercy from God; I received special salvation from the Lord in the first officer’s wing before the prayer service of the maid Anfisa. During mass, it was very difficult for me to serve because of yesterday’s gluttony and especially from drinking a cup of milk with a teaspoon of rum at the wrong time and unnecessarily. I felt extreme tightness and burning sensation in my insides, weakness in my voice (jangling), extreme weakness of my heart, but I was constantly getting stronger, forcing myself to be cheerful, shivering often, shifting; at the great entrance there is mental paralysis and muteness. Didn't tell the Empress. After this, new tightness and melancholy - new repentance, supplication, consciousness of one’s insignificance, weakness, sinfulness, damnation, new mercy of God, peace, freedom, boldness, strength; after communion - the greatest grace, a life-giving fire that renewed my being, pacified, emboldened, exalted me. The pulpit and dismissal were unfailingly read by me, with feeling and tenderness. This evening, before the memorial service at the naval clerk Fedorov, I was subjected to a severe test due to indignation and annoyance at Deacon Arseny Dobronravin, who, due to negligence and inattention, did not come to the memorial service, but through repentance and all-powerful prayer I got rid of strong anxiety, cramped conditions and shame and performed the memorial service without stumbling. I thank the Lord. Resurrection. During early mass, the Lord repeatedly delivered me from melancholy and tightness of heart, both at the beginning and after the great entrance, for the sake of my repentance. I received life-giving communion, feeling the Divine fire inside, renewing my soul and body. He spoke a lesson. During the former prayer services during the day, the Lord showed His power in me to deliver me from the impurities of my heart and from the wiles of the devil (at a prayer service with officer Alexei Petrovich Yudin and others). Monday. In the morning, there was strong emotional excitement, anxiety, crowdedness due to the slowness of the house of Deacon Dobronravin, who did not go to church for the second early mass, despite being sent three times (afterwards it was explained why he did not go). He began mass in involuntary confusion and cramped conditions, but he soon asked the Lord for silence, calling upon Him mentally, the quiet light of the holy glory of the Immortal, Holy, Blessed, Heavenly Father. Before the great entrance, I was embarrassed because the bandage on my right hand had become untied and I had to re-bandage it. Then he served calmly and received life-giving communion. God bless! (Send Anna Petrovna Fedorova five rubles. [...].) In first grade, lessons are from eleven to twelve on May 12. I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness during the early liturgy, and who made me prosperous in my service, and who revived me after communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who performed in me the miracle of spiritual resurrection from my dead deeds, that is, from my passions, in the apartment of Olga Afanasyevna Karpova, my benefactress, to whose apartment the pious old maid Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina brought her sick nephew John, so that I, a sinner, would pray for his healing. Instead of praising her faith and hope and praying to the Lord with meekness and obedience, I became very agitated and angry with her and reviled her for driving and working for a sick person. Having fallen into the clutches of the devil and into spiritual death, I turned to the Lord in repentance, and it was not long before the enemy released me from his clutches. I intensified my prayer and repentance, prayed with everyone for myself, and - oh, miracle! The Lord transformed me, pacified me, revived me, renewed me, and forgave and cleansed all my previous sins and those now committed, quickly hearing and having mercy on me. Glory to the miracles of Your mercy, Lord! And he prayed for the sick man with everyone. After Matins and early first mass. He read Matins and sang with spiritual delight, without temptation, but just before the beginning of mass, before putting on priestly vestments, looking at the sealed bookcase, at the library of the cathedral, he was tempted and was indignant at the abbot, who had locked up the books assigned for reading by the people, praying to the Lord to enlighten him; but as I myself fell from love for the archpriest, and felt hostility towards him for this, and was wounded, and died in soul, I began to repent and pray to the Lord to change my heart and let me love and honor my abbot, so that I myself would not fall into greater evil than he did. The Lord had mercy and gave me peace. He celebrated Mass with tenderness by God's grace. At first the heart was vague and dead - the prayer of faith revived it: I served with feeling; At the great entrance, the grace of God overcame the ethereal enemies and firmly pronounced the names of the royal persons. But at the very end of the funeral service, I was terribly tempted when I saw a proud, as it seemed to me, widow living in Stepanov’s house (her husband served in the headquarters); My heart grew cold, I felt hostility towards her (this was from me, not from her) - and I suffered greatly until, with sincere repentance and faith, I asked the Lord for forgiveness. I cringed and broke for a long time - grace overcame sin, and I consumed the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving way. Evening. I thank the Lord, who, soon after Vespers, delivered me from melancholy, sorrow and tightness of heart through the prayer of faith and hope after touching the throne of grace (in the Peter's chapel). Thursday. In the evening I ate twice, although not much, and therefore felt burdened; I walked around the kindergarten for a long time, until I was exhausted and powerless; I didn’t sleep quite peacefully that night – because, by the way, I slept for a long time yesterday afternoon. (Lean food and fish are bad for me, only bread and tea are better. Horseradish and vinegar are very bad for me, especially vinegar.) After early mass and the removal of Ekaterina Bashkurova. He sang Matins and read them with a joyful spirit. Just before mass (the second early one), the conversation began about Metropolitan Isidore regarding the conversation of Deacon Arseny about his reverent service and the change of face at the same time (grandeur); I rejoiced at this and thanked God, but then I started talking about his severity when receiving out-of-town priests (and me), dryness, bureaucracy, callousness, and because of this I died mentally, grace departed from me, and only with tears of repentance did I return it, and then served calmly and freely. Received life-giving communion. At the great entrance, he remembered Metropolitan Isidore and the Synod well, read the pulpit without stumbling, the dismissal and the entire requiem mass too. Before the litany for Bashkurova in the house of Grigory Sidorov, I felt severe grief from demons (obsessions about the discourtesy of the wife of the photographer Konovalov [...]); Through the action of the devil, I became embittered and embarrassed, became agitated without meaning to, and barely said a prayer. Many times during the day the Lord delivered from the sorrows and cramps of sin, especially in the apartment of Prokopiy Oleinikov (in the house of Gerasim Murashov in the evening). The extremes of our stupid heart when faced with temptation: sometimes we laugh foolishly, frivolously, sometimes we become cowardly despondent, we grieve, we indulge in melancholy and despair; sometimes we humiliate ourselves extremely, confuse ourselves with dirt, then again we exalt ourselves, we are proud when communicating with people of different conditions, especially with the poor. The self is away, as ungodly, diabolical; There must be only God in me: Christ lives in me [Gal.2:20]. It was cold, frozen in the cathedral during early mass. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the many different wiles of the devil both during Matins, and during the liturgy, and after it at Balabanov’s house at a prayer service, and in my apartment from depressing sorrow and cramped conditions. By the name of the Lord, called with all my heart, I got rid of spiritual troubles. Do not eat meat, especially in the evening, because of this there is a voluptuous kindling. Evening. I thank the Lord, who mercifully delivered me from voluptuous [momentary] lust, which confused and desecrated my soul in the apartment of Lieutenant Mikhail Fedorovich Alekseev (his wife Nadezhda Yegoryevna); On leaving them, I brought sincere, secret repentance to the Lord, going for a walk along the road, and received forgiveness, cleansing, peace, freedom, and boldness. I thank the Lord, who is zealous for me with Divine zeal and does not allow me to associate with sin and the enemy the devil, who punishes me righteously and is constantly merciful for my repentance. And indeed, what an honor the Lord has granted me! He merges with me through the Holy Mysteries, adores me, revives me. Uniting with the Lord, will I be [one] with sin? No no! Our hearts ache with corruption: gluttony, love of money, envy, thirst for sensual pleasures. The next morning after eating herring and anchovies, your mouth feels like tar, which is extremely unpleasant; there is a burden in the body, as well as in the heart; there is a strong stench in the stomach, which turns out to be winds with a bad, disgusting odor. And this is for a communicant of the Holy Mysteries who receives communion daily! Evening. I thank the Lord, who made it possible for me to celebrate the Divine Liturgy and partake of the life-giving Divine Mysteries. At the great entrance, I turned out to be of little faith, cowardly, powerless against the machinations of the enemy (due to terrible partiality before the headman) and did not pronounce the names of the royal house, but then, when I fell in repentance to the Lord with a prayer for help, I performed the entire mass without stumbling and after the consecration of the Gifts of the Word In the first memory, the Lord deliberately, from beginning to end, spoke very loudly, in spite of the enemies, and I was I am very happy because of the victory of the Lord. A heavy, cowardly temptation upon arriving home at the sight of the decrees of the consistory with the resolutions of the dean because of trifles, also due to the obsession of ethereal villains. I suffered mentally all the way to the gymnasium, and only when I climbed the stairs and strongly called on the name of the Lord, the torments of hell left me. Glory to the Lord! After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who gave me tenderness after the coldness of my heart during the Sunday all-night vigil in the Duma Assumption Church, I thank you for the sublime feelings during the censing of the polyeleos, before it and after it. He read the Gospel with extreme expressiveness, cordially, and read the canon solemnly. At the end of Matins, the demon usually wounded my soul, but the Lord healed me for repentance, faith and hope. Resurrection. After the late mass in the Assumption Church. I thank the Lord, who delivered me, sinful and weak, from all spiritual troubles, during the service of the liturgy and after it, at the prayer service of Paraskeva Yakimovna Murashova. At the great entrance, the enemy killed me with cowardice and fear in the face of the significant of this world (and others): the magistrate Averky Shebunin and [...], and against my desire I did not pronounce loudly and separately the names of the empress and the heir, but spoke secretly and hastily, and after this cowardice the enemy struck me with burden, crampedness and petrification, but, having risen with repentance, I won and I drove him away in the name of Jesus Christ and felt how, defeated, he left me. He received life-giving communion, read the pulpit heartily, with boldness, and also said his dismissal in full. But at the end of P. E. Murashova’s prayer service, I stole my release, and therefore the enemy again caught me and tormented me for a long time, giving me a lesson not to hide a single official word in the future. By repentance before the Holy Mysteries before consuming them, I again, by the power of Christ, drove him away, the ancient serpent, the murderer. In the house of Golubev, in the apartment of the widow Anna, in the name of the Lord, I again defeated the unclean demon by looking to the Lord; Earlier, during Vespers and after Vespers, falling to the holy throne, I repeatedly repelled his attacks in the name of the Lord. I thank the most merciful and omnipotent Lord for everything, for He does not allow my enemies to triumph over me for the sake of His mercy and His bounty and for the sake of His glorious name, but beats, defeats and drives them away. Monday. Today, during and after Matins, the adversary angrily mocked me because of three unknown rubles that were in the pocket of my cassock: I could not remember where they came from; I didn’t dare to write them down in the mug, thinking that they might be the property of the poor. Before reading the canon at the beginning, the Lord had mercy on me, healing the ulcers of my soul. Every word from the soul, from the heart must be pronounced by a bishop, priest or deacon or cleric. Speak the truth into your heart [Ps. 14:2]. When I climbed the stairs of the sociable house to the photographer Schauman, then, while climbing from the last upper landing on the stairs, during my secret heartfelt repentance I received great mercy from the Lord: the resolution of sorrows and cramps - and was honored to receive peace and space of heart. Going to the unction of old lady Tatiana in Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street, I was also honored with a visit from God’s mercy for repentance. Thank the Lord! Praying for others is just as beneficial as praying for yourself. By praying for others, you yourself become strengthened in faith, hope and love for God and neighbor, you become morally cleansed, strengthened, enlightened, pacified, nourished, and comforted. Without the warmth of the sun and without the goodness of the air and without moisture, the earth does not grow grass, leaves and tree fruits, and when the sun rises and warms the earth sufficiently, when the winds blow and the rain clouds shed beneficial rains, then everything begins to turn green, bloom, smell fragrant, grow, come to maturity and fullness. So it is in the Kingdom of grace: without the Holy Spirit, without His life-giving overshadowing, breathing, flame, enlightenment, the human soul is in a state of darkness, numbness, barrenness, ugliness and absurdity, but when someone breathes the Holy Spirit according to his inheritance, he is revived, enlightened, prospers, fertilized, fragrant with all sorts of good deeds and becomes the dwelling place of the Holy Spirit. This happens with every well-ordered Christian society, small or great, and it is like a garden blooming, fragrant and abounding with the fruits of the Holy Spirit, the fruits of all virtues: humility, beauty, gentleness, abstinence, purity, obedience, mercy, patience, trust, devotion to God, the principles and authorities, those appointed by God and those who rightly rule. Tuesday. Oh, how much I lose God’s grace through my gluttony and satiety! How many spiritual matters I omit - thinking about God, writing or writing from my own treasure of mind and heart, spiritual sensitivity, tenderness of heart, love for God and neighbor, mercy! For gluttony coarsens and defiles the heart, darkens it and constrains it, narrows its activity! How many reasons for various passionate movements of the heart and will I myself give and how convenient I make access for the devil! For it is easy for him to encourage a glutton to commit any sin, as if he were reckless and not armed with spiritual weapons. Grant me, Lord, perfect repentance, and grant me perfect mercy. After Matins and early mass. I have seen the miracles of Your mercy, O Lord, both this day, early and late in the morning: first during Matins, when You delivered me for repentance and faith from the oppression and sorrow that befell me for hard-heartedness and stinginess towards the poor, and then after early mass (the rector served), when I came home from Burachok with annoyance and grief because some were asking for what was given and were chasing me (everyone was twenty-six people). I came home wounded, killed by my own malice, but when I repented sincerely two and three times, the Lord had mercy on me, forgiving me of my sins and giving me peace, freedom and boldness. Glory to the Lord! Wednesday. Giving Easter. We, satiated and hard-hearted, luxury in food and clothing and various decorations, but how many of our brothers do not have daily food and any decent and warm clothing to adequately cover their nakedness and warm themselves in the cold in which they are forced to spend time for so long! Where are our Christian virtues? Where is active faith? Where is the love? Where is the mercy? Whoever has two clothes, give to the poor, and whoever has food, do the same, teaches the great Forerunner [Luke 3:11]. (About treating the poor servant to my unworthiness, while she has very poor relatives who need her help.) After a late ordered mass in the Assumption Church. A hellishly difficult temptation right before mass about my indignation at Father Pavel, the rector, and priest Klepachevsky because they are greedy and take a lot of money from the Assumption fraternal circle, although they have thousands of cash, and the rector has tens of thousands. The Lord punished me for this earthly zeal and envy of the constantly growing wealth of the brethren, who are not concerned about alms, but care only about enormous profits, punished me with cramped conditions, confusion, hellish fire, so that I would not cleave to earthly acquisitions, but would care about the heavenly acquisition of virtue, about the salvation of Christian souls, about the shepherding of the verbal flock, so that I would be content with what I have, with gratitude to God, who constantly cares for my contentment. I repented, falling with strong faith and love at the throne of grace, and the Lord, after a long repentance, had mercy on me, giving me peace. At mass before the great entrance and during it, the devil confused my soul with a passion for my precious cross (on the chest), instilling fear that I would not darken from the smoke of the incense, and I, mortified in my heart, was afraid to say the names of the royal persons, so as not to get confused and become tetanus. He repented of his weakness, and the Lord forgave again; received life-giving communion. The pulpit and dismissal are very good. At the funeral service, again, because of the cross, he lost his way to leave, and again he was oppressed and killed by the enemy, and again there was torment. But again the Lord delivered after long repentance through the use of the Holy Mysteries. During mass I have to be all up, but I’m often all down. The image of God is dishonored, desecrated, degraded by addiction to insignificant, corruptible, coarse, transitory things, which are stupid, wild, ugly, unnatural. How the Lord exalted and exalted us, deified us through the incarnation, resurrection and ascension into heaven and sitting with God the Father! And how we humiliate ourselves, dishonor Christ Himself within ourselves, as members of His body! Captivated by addiction to something visible, a person falls into a dream 55 instead of truth, into darkness, into slavery and captivity, into diabolism - in a word, into death, and at the same time he falls away from God, his Prototype, Whom he offends by his preference for creatures, from His love, devotion, obedience, from His truth, life, peace, truth, bliss, beauty, sweetness. The saints lived in heaven with their hearts and souls, because they loved God with all their hearts, and every heart connection with the earth, with its blessings, treasures, glory, pleasures, beauties, sweets and various delights was torn from them; they had no attachment to their body and to life itself in the flesh: they wished better to renounce the body and be with Christ [Phil. 1:23]; persecution, sorrow, intimidation of people and demons, the most exquisite and cruel torments, slow and painful did not frighten them, for Christ God consoled them with His wonderful consolation and helped them with His all-powerful help - and they defeated all enemies and tormentors, and valiantly endured all the torments, and willingly left the earth with its sin and all its delights, sorrows and various troubles and through adversity they now rejoice in heaven, in their true, unshakable fatherland, for they grew rich in one wealth - love for God above all else and for their neighbors as for themselves; they were not inclined towards malice and vengeance towards their worst enemies and persecutors, they loved them too and prayed for them, may the Lord enlighten their heartfelt eyes and soften their hardened hearts; they considered them their neighbors too; They had only one hatred - hatred of sin in all its forms, because sin is enmity against God, because sin is the creation of the devil, the first apostate to God and murderer, who perverted his and our nature and removed us from God. Every day, all his life, a priest must learn to diligently perform the liturgy, which has nothing more important either in heaven or on earth, and for the laity to attend it with dignity; In order to serve her worthily and be present with her, one must leave all worldly attachments and cares, be in heaven with soul and heart, have a heart burning like a flame, be free from all rancor, from all voluptuousness. During the all-night vigil for the Ascension, I was terribly tired of the all-evil, all-evil, unclean spirits, confusing, oppressing my soul and heart, tempting and frightening me, killing my entire being; the voice was rather weak, rattling noticeably; The scrofula also accumulated strongly inside me and, like needles, pricked and depressed me, irritated me: everything came together to torment me. But I was strengthened and invigorated. At the cry Hear us, O God, the enemies usually snatched from me the words: For You are a merciful and loving God, and we send up glory to You, and when blessing the loaves, the words: For You are the One who blesses, when reading the Gospel the words: I make haste for the Lord [Mark 16:20], then at the end of the service they stole a great release from me, in the prayer of Christ, the Light the true ones were brazenly stolen by the words: to do Your commandments... to the end. Woe is me! They laugh at me brazenly! When I was at home after evening tea, walking in the garden and praying, my enemies incited me to fornicate, but when I thought about the act of childbearing and its holiness and about my weaknesses, as well as about the fact that there is the most empty and disgusting delusion leading to corruption, desecration, powerlessness, separation from God, calling on God for help, the unclean enemies jumped away from me and stopped sting me, I calmed down. God bless! If we must soon leave this world and all its perishable blessings, then why do we cling to them with our hearts? Why do we exchange the creature for the Creator, the insignificant for the infinitely great, that which is like a shadow and a ghost, a dream, for a living, personal, active, creative Truth? Ridiculous. The soul that feeds extensively is dead while alive [1 Timothy 5:6]. Alas! This is extremely fair! Eating extensively, I die in soul, grow cold towards God and neighbor, towards prayer, towards good deeds, towards alms, towards purity, justice, fidelity, hard work, I become self-loving, voluptuous, lazy, impatient, irritable, contemptuous, partiality-seeking, flattering, vindictive, envious, lascivious, cowardly, prone to despondency, despair, fearful, timid. After early mass. I thank the Lord for deliverance from the tightness of hell that happened during the liturgy, especially at the great entrance, and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries; I thank you for the word given to me and spoken to the people for the glory of the Lord and for the edification of the people; I thank the Lord, for he did not allow me to be tempted and embarrassed, especially through the disobedient sexton and singers, and for allowing me to overcome enemies, visible and invisible, in a bold reprimand of dismissal. I thank the Lord for His gracious help and salvation at the prayer service in Captain Skryplev’s apartment (I conquered with love the anger of sexton Adrian, the singers and Zrelov, and at first I was upset and seething with indignation and vengeance). I thank the Lord for his help during the prayer service at Kromido’s and especially in Rambov, in the apartment at Colonel Morgasov’s dacha, where only by the grace of Christ I served a prayer service with the greatest boldness and strength in the presence of a diverse audience; thank you for the unfailing service of the memorial services. How will some of the Orthodox, and Lutherans, and Anglicans, and other Christians, sweep away the icons, how will they see the Lord and the Most Pure Mother of God and the saints in person in the prototype, when they did not want to see them here on earth in the images and the vestibule? Are the Lord and the Mother of God impersonal beings that they do not want to see their faces in images and likenesses? Oh, the human wickedness of Luther and his followers! Oh, the absurdity! Oh madness! In the same way, how will they see the sign of the Son of Man - the Cross in His second terrible coming to earth, when they here did not want to see him and be marked by him and honor him for the sake of Him crucified on him and for the sake of His life-giving power! The Divinity of Him Crucified on the Cross for our salvation, who suffered, died and buried and rose from the dead is proven, in addition to His resurrection from the dead, also by the very power of the Cross, which gives life to the dead in soul and body and burns and drives away demons, tames passions, heals diseases, as the history of the Church and our own experiences testify to this. Our learned directors and teachers of the university and gymnasium often laugh at the wisdom, purity, sublimity and power of the word of God, considering themselves wise, and they laugh at the virtue of alms, considering their great salary to be their inalienable property, which they often spend on playing cards. I took the greatest victory during the Matins by the grace of God over my bodiless enemies, the spirits of malice, and over my passions, and over my great sorrows and tightness for yesterday’s disobedience during the sacrament of the sexton Adrian: I had secret anger and bitterness towards him, which the spirits of malice increased and inflamed to the extreme with their hellish stings. For a long time I struggled, repented, repelled their arrows, falling in prayer of repentance to the throne of grace, and finally, during the Six Psalms, the Lord had mercy, delivered me from anger, from sorrow and cramped conditions (in the Peter and Paul chapel), and I went to the choir to the reader Adrian and solemnly, with a joyful heart and lips, read and sang canons and stichera in verse. Glory to God, our Savior, forever! What a wonderful canon for the Ascension and stichera! And all the canons of holidays and saints are wonderful! Oh, God's immeasurable compassion! Oh, what ineffable gifts were given by the lover of mankind to human nature, fallen and restored! After the funeral mass in the cemetery Trinity Church. I thank the Lord, who performed in me a new greatest miracle of His mercy and power during my celebration of the conciliar liturgy, which, by the grace of God, I performed calmly, with complete self-control, and with a sense of reverence. I thank the Lord, who has deigned me to partake of the life-giving Mysteries into peace and complete renewal of soul and body. The wonderful life-giving fire of the Holy Spirit penetrated my heart and my entire being, and I was all-blessed. He said his release with dignity, loudly, and performed the entire mass and funeral service calmly, in a clear, sonorous, heartfelt voice. Glory to the Lord! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the painful thorn of the enemy, stabbed into me for grief and anger at the sexton Mikhail Bystryakov for entrusting the epitrachelion and incense to the woman Paraskeva Kovrigina for the litiya in the house. For a long time I suffered and shrank, praying and repenting to the Lord. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the hellish sting of anger in Nazarov’s wing before giving prayer to the baby. And the enemy stung me, inciting me to become angry with the poor children, boys and girls who begged for alms. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sting of the devil, stabbed into me during the meeting, at the end of it. When knives, axes, swords, saws, sickles, scythes become dull, they are usually sharpened, and they become sharp and capable of using them and performing various tasks. Our heart and soul are dulled by sin, laziness, despondency, carnality and various passions and become incapable of faith, hope and love for God and sincere love for others, for prayer, mercy and other virtues. They also need to be sharpened. What lesson does the railroad teach? Walk, Christian, firmly, firmly and straight, on the even path of the commandments of Christ, not deviating either to the right or to the left, as a locomotive and carriages follow along the road surface, otherwise you will perish. Pictures, individually or in brochures and books, by their nature and character, either teach and edify, or seduce and tempt us. Their effect on the soul is irresistible, especially the effect of seductive views or pictures, if we ourselves do not restrain and curb our vision, heart and imagination when considering them. In view of this, sacred paintings and holy icons bring the greatest benefit to Christians, especially their children. After the all-night vigil on Saturday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the destructive network of voluptuousness that touched me after leaving the apartment of Lieutenant Alekseev [...]; deliverance followed during the all-night vigil in the cathedral during the reading of the akathist to the Sweetest Jesus (this is the true, faithful and eternal holy sweetness). I was touched in my heart and prayed sweetly, with tears, reading the canons and akathists. I live on a volcano, constantly threatening me with the ignition and eruption of the fiery hellish lava of passions: anger, irritation, greed, selfishness, impurity, envy, pride, waywardness, stubbornness, disobedience, hard-heartedness, lies, hypocrisy, partiality, cowardice, fear, despondency, despair or laughter, idle talk, frivolity, freethinking, stupidity, absurdity, lewdness, vanity, vanity or insolence, severity, obstinacy, guile, lies, deception, ill will, malice, gloating, blasphemy, murmuring. We have weak faith in the future life and weak desire for the incorruptible benefits of the future eternal life. There is one all-desired, holy, incorruptible, eternal beauty and sweetness - the Lord, the incorruptible, glorious, imperishable, inexhaustible treasure, and unspeakable greatness, and omnipotent power, light and wisdom. There is nothing higher and greater than liturgy, neither in heaven nor on earth. How should a priest perform it? What kind of heart? What spirit? With what lips, hands? And what kind of union is remembered and acted upon during the liturgy? – The entire Church, triumphant in heaven, and militant on earth, and in the underworld. The church is the line connecting earth with heaven, or earthly heaven. In her (the Church) is the true element of our souls, here is our spiritual food, our spiritual drink (in sacred songs, readings), sweetness, imperishable beauty, light, strength, renewal, true glory, beauty, wisdom, here is her quiet refuge from the storms of sin that are inevitable in the world, her purgatory, or renewal from sinful defilements, her treasury and incorruptible wealth, here is the source of God’s life and the beginning of life heavenly, righteous, holy, here is the closest unity with God and with all the saints. An invaluable treasure for a Christian is the church. Evening. Resurrection. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of the liturgy, for the revival and strengthening of my soul, killed by passions or weakened by them; I thank you for the revival by the communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the word spoken by me on the Sunday of the Holy Fathers, and for the stumbling-free dismissal. But it was difficult for me to serve a prayer service on the military ship “Rurik” (commanded by a colonel, more strangers than familiar officers). Had lunch in the wardroom. Upon arriving home, I saw a swollen beggar sitting on a bench in the lower corridor, asking for alms - a ruble; I gave thirty kopecks - I regretted it; She definitely asked for a ruble. I am angry, accursed, proud, passionate, angry, greedy, envious, obstinate, murmuring, angry, voluptuous, lazy, negligent, unkind, unloving, unmerciful, hard-hearted, insincere, hypocritical, partial, suspicious, faulty, jealous, servile, fearful, cowardly, laughing, sad, fickle, double-minded, selfish. Oh, damn me! How many times have I insulted and how cruelly the poor, and in their person You, the Lord Himself! For You said: Just as you did it to one of the least of these My brothers, you did it to Me [Matthew 25:40]. I gave the said beggar, it seems, seventy or eighty kopecks, and yet I didn’t want to give more. I came home agitated, irritated, depressed by the poison of bitterness, all upset, but when I prayed and repented to the Lord with all my soul for my sins, the Lord had mercy and took away my guilt, revived, transformed, healed, resurrected me, a dead man stinking of passions, reconciled, comforted me. He did the same kindness to me in the evening at eight o'clock in church, after I again became angry with some beggars who asked for money for shoes, and reviled and reproached them, and I myself was completely upset about it. Entering the church, which was opened on the occasion of the memorial service there for the deceased officer Skvortsov, and with sincere lamentation, self-condemnation, falling to the throne of grace and to the mercy of the Lord, I was again granted by the Lord a wonderful change from death to life: dead in sins, I came to life, calmed down, was comforted, my heart spread, I looked cheerfully at the world and at people. Glory to the miracles of the Lord's mercy! Morning. Monday. The third acquisition of the head of the Forerunner. I was subjected to a terrible temptation from invisible adversaries today because of my satiety from the evening (after being treated to cheesecake at a party, tea and wine and a piece of bun with salmon, I also ate roast veal at home and drank tea); I didn’t know where to go with my torment, confusion, crampedness, inner shame, with my envy, jealousy for self-interest, greed, anger at Father Paul. Because of trifles, in one moment, one might say, I was terribly tempted: because, at the instigation of the devil, I looked slyly, enviously at the work of the Father Superior, who, in my opinion, excluded us from parting funeral services for the deceased officer Skvortsov (to me, however, unknown) and cared only about his own benefit. Oh my God! And then and there, where and when the dead man lies lifeless, we think about self-interest, indulge in zeal and envy, bitterness, instead of sincerely praying for the repose of the soul of the deceased servant of God, our brother, or servant of God! Oh, I am not worthy to pray for the dead, not having Christian, unhypocritical, selfless love for them. For a long time I repented and prayed to the Lord, asking for forgiveness, condemning myself sincerely and placing all my goodness in the Lord, and the Lord took away, cleansed, delivered my soul, pacified and distributed it. But at the end of the mass and during the requiem, I was subjected to the strongest temptation because of the sexton, who hastily sang some words and stichera instead of the sacrament; I became embittered with him and began to suffer terribly, I could not say the whole thing behind the pulpit, not all of the release; The requiem service was celebrated vaguely, the dismissal was hasty and did not say everything. Then, before the Holy Chalice, in torment, he repented from the heart; Finally the Lord had mercy and revived me, a dead man. God bless! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the filth of my heart’s thoughts and feelings when reading the Gospel during the liturgy, through my prayer for that, from cowardice, humiliation, despondency and cut off these feelings like a sword, and then gave me consolation, truth, holiness, peace, joy. Oh, how much the Christian faith has given and continues to give me! To what height does he place a Christian, what bliss does he honor even here, what he promises in the future life, how he unites him with God, creates one spirit with Him, adores him! But how unmemorable we are of God’s [good deeds] and how ungrateful we are before God! Until now they have not loved Him with all their hearts, His righteousness, His holiness, His law! We have not yet hated sin in all its forms and often agree with it and commit it, for example, anger, envy, pride, fornication, gluttony (God is the belly [Phil. 3:19]), self-interest, laziness and others. Do not have the slightest grief against anyone during the liturgy, no matter who has sinned in anything, for grief at a person is a falling away from love, and during mass, which is a manifestation of God’s endless love for the fallen human race, the priest must be all love and love, condescension, patience, humility, peace and quietness. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who deigned me to perform the liturgy without stumbling (except for the reprimand at the great entrance) and to partake of the life-giving and new-creating Holy Mysteries. At the end of the mass there were temptations at the memorial service: on release from the fear of the devil, I did not utter the last words, crushed and therefore was extremely wounded by the adversary and the enemy. On May 25, warm days began, and on May 26, hot days with rain began, but until now there had been cold days, and the greenery on the ground and trees developed very slowly. From these days a wonderful aroma was felt in the air. Thank the Lord! Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from great spiritual troubles and misfortunes to which I was subjected before Matins, during it and early mass and after it from ethereal enemies due to my addiction to perishable things; The temptation was especially acute and severe at the end of the 40th memorial service and after it because of the pity on my golden pectoral cross with precious stones, so that it would not become dusty and darkened from the incense smoke. Pathetic, blind, deadening addiction: what can happen to gold and precious stones from smoke? If they get a little smoky, they wipe it with a silk scarf, and again the same natural shine of gold will appear—it won’t turn into iron! I shuddered quite before the consumption of the Holy Gifts and before the trip to St. Petersburg for eight and a half hours in the morning. But glory to the Lord, who had mercy on me and gave me peace, space, health, boldness, and brightness of face! On the 27th and 28th I was in St. Petersburg and in Zemledelcheskoe (Udelny) with my brother-in-law, father Ioann Afanasyevich Vetvenitsky; I boarded a ship for Kronstadt for twelve o'clock. I was at vespers, baptized at three o’clock, and at seven o’clock a prayer service was served at the Galakhovs. Served the early fortieth day for headaches and nausea from excessive consumption while visiting Al. Ivanovich Popov to sherry and oranges without number. Lord, do not allow me to drink more than three glasses of wine in the future, but I drank seven or eight (half a bottle). I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to celebrate the liturgy without stumbling, separately, loudly, heartily, and to receive communion and communion without condemnation for ten people. And I thought at the beginning of mass that I probably wouldn’t be able to bear it, I’d throw up. It is good that the Lord reflected suspiciousness from my soul. After Vespers. I glorify God’s ineffable mercy, revealed to me in church just before Vespers, when in sorrow and weakness I venerated the Holy Altar and received the grace of healing, peace and freedom, and then sang Good Vespers. After Vespers there was a prayer service at home, during which I fell into strong temptation from ethereal villains and from my passions nesting in the depths of my heart; the demons deprived me of sincerity, truth and the truth of prayer in my heart, and I prayed sluggishly, coldly, absent-mindedly, fearfully, deceitfully, and therefore I became all wounded, wounded in my heart, became restless, irritable, bored, having no self-control and freedom. It’s terrible how sin catches me and how it squeezes and kills my soul in its hellish clutches! We must be on our guard at every moment, be clothed in all spiritual armor, and constantly have the Lord, His truth and His holiness in our hearts! Glory to the Lord, who delivered me from terrible oppression and demonic torment for the sake of His holy name, which I called upon with all my soul in repentance. (Oh, senseless lusts! Oh, all-destructive gluttony, oh, drunkenness is the devil’s service! Oh, carnal knowledge, pleasing to Satan and repugnant to God!) I repent to the Lord with all my heart that I unworthily received communion of the Holy Mysteries today, drinking a lot of wine the day before to the point of intoxication, knowing that I had an early mass. I am worthy of all punishment and torment. But do not deliver me, Lord, into the power of Satan for my sins; despise my sins as well, a repentant sinner. Oh, what a damned sinner I am, filled with all sorts of sins! How I must always repent, humble myself before everyone, live abstinently, always pray, serve the poor! I thank the Lord, who gave me tears of tenderness when reading the canon to the Angels and all the saints in the evening. After Matins and early mass. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the great and ineffable mercies and generosity towards me, shown in delivering me from deadly, wild, absurd and ugly passions ([felt] while reading the Gospel a hostility towards Mrs. Morozova, as proud, disrespectful, stingy and uncommunicative - but is sin corrected by sin, is it malice by malice? Is it not love? Is it not meekness and goodwill with prayer for them?). I sincerely repented in a secret way to the Lord, who knows the heart, and He saved me, changing confusion into calm, tightness into space, sorrow into joy, discouragement into courage, weakness into strength, shame into boldness. Oh, how right a priest must always be! After the funeral service for Nadezhda (at twelve o’clock in the afternoon) Antonova, a young woman of nineteen years old. At the end of the memorial service, the disembodied adversary struck the heart with impotence and mortification due to the untimely and immoderate consumption of black bread and butter with sweet tea! Oh, what evil, what destruction, intemperance and satiety! How it deprives the incontinent soul of the grace and help of God! And I, like a foolish child, am seduced by brownies! When will I be indifferent to food and drink and abstinent? Should a priest indulge in gluttony? Should his womb be counted as God [Phil.3:19]? What raw sensuality! And what grace the Lord vouchsafed to me today for the tears of repentance during mass and even during matins, when I sang and read the canon and stichera to the martyrs, and deathly praises on those who praise, and deathly stichera on the verses! With what amazing features the beauty of temporary life is described there! With what power of conviction is it instilled to seek eternal blessings, everlasting pleasure! And then immediately I forget all this. Oh, negligence! Oh, inattention! Oh, damnation! Oh, frivolity! Oh, a pointless skill! Oh, the voluntary misunderstanding or voluntary rejection by deed and life of Christianity and its lofty goal, its end! Accepting the death (goal) of your faith. - salvation of souls, says the holy Apostle Peter about the goal of the Christian faith [1 Peter 1:9]. And I constantly lose sight of this goal! After the all-night vigil. During my celebration of the Trinity All-Night Vigil, there were many severe temptations from the predominance of sensuality over the spirit, from gluttony and satiety and drinking wine: firstly, from suspicion of the pride of one girl I knew (when I burned incense at the beginning), towards whom I secretly became embittered, for which I repented, and the Lord forgave me this demonic dream and gave me peace and freedom, driving away tightness, confusion and sorrow; secondly, from carnal thoughts and feelings at the sight of another girl, which again caused cramped conditions, loss of spirit, but again he repented, and the Lord accepted repentance and gave peace; thirdly, the fear of being embarrassed in front of a multitude of people of all ranks, but I also partly overcame this diabolical dream with grace, although, speaking out loudly, I doubted and did not say anything, allowing the word on my lips to freeze out of fear and embarrassment; I only half said the prayer to Christ, the True Light - I could not speak due to the action of the devil in my heart and stomach and sides; That’s why I was extremely offended. But I turned in prayer, falling earnestly in repentance to the throne in the Pokrovsky chapel, and the grace of God defeated my sins and the malice of the devil and delivered me from his torment. Glory to God, who punishes me with dignity and admonishes me. Oh, sensuality, all-destructive sensuality! After the Trinity Vespers, he again did something very absurd at home: when he was full, he wanted and ate quite a lot of pickled salmon from a tin, and again he was full; Because of this, at night there was an extremely severe fornication and everything was very difficult. Got up at half past five in the morning. Oh, if the Lord would help me completely abstain from meat and grant me a firm desire to abstain forever from meat and any especially nutritious and stimulating food! Trinity day. Because of my gluttony and my greed, today I took it according to my deed: during mass it was very difficult for me, terribly cramped, especially because my stomach was tightening. It really bothered me. He received life-giving communion, but read the pulpit poorly due to the temptation with the bronze cross, which he was annoyed by because it lay on top of the gold one, as if the cross were honest by the metal, and not by the One crucified on it; repented. I read the prayers at Vespers with feeling. Evening before Compline. It's raining heavily. Temptations are also useful for us in the sense that, by admonishing and purifying our soul and making it more experienced in matters of spiritual salvation, they awaken it from inertia and laziness and excite it to intensified activity, excite and support its energy. In addition, temptations show all our passions and worldly addictions, shortcomings, weaknesses and infirmities, omissions, negligence in pleasing God and fulfilling His commandments and our greatest self-love, carnality - in a word, all the ugliness and absurdity of our soul and at the same time show us the infinite truth, the most perfect holiness of God and His infinite beauty and encourage us to cast off our ugliness by repentance, tears, labors, vigil, prayer, zeal for virtue and decorate your soul, created in the most beautiful, holiest image of God, with all sorts of virtues and strive for union with the Prototype and for eternal pleasure and bliss in Him. Temptations accustom the soul to humility and patience, showing it its weakness and lack of skill in the dispensation of salvation and satiating it with sorrows in place of the sinful sweets with which it was satiated and which deprived it of the grace and help of God, plunging it into relaxation and mortification. Dream, daydream (Church Glav.) - empty appearance, ghost, seduction.