Декабрь 1880 г.

Monday. I thank the Lord, who now has mercy on me for my repentance and faith with the greatest, most gracious, life-giving mercy: now I have calmed down, my heart has come to life, expanded, confirmed, rejoiced, felt the greatest lightness after the suffocating heaviness of sin, sorrow, tightness, melancholy, confusion. O my Sweetest Jesus! O my most peaceful, most light, most joyful belly, Jesus! Glory, glory, glory to You! Yesterday, on Sunday and on the day of the holy, glorious and all-praised Apostle Andrew the First-Called, ethereal enemies greatly wounded and weakened my heart and made it difficult for me to serve, to say my prayers and dismissals. I called upon the Lord for help in repentance - and was honored with His mercy, His life-giving, grace-filled streams that destroyed the dead streams of the devil. During early mass, precisely during the funeral litany, when removing particles from the prosphora, I almost felt sick, I almost fell from weakness and from stuffiness due to the crowd of people, and I ordered the window and hatch in the choir to be opened soon - after that I felt better. Received life-giving communion; In the first, remember, Lord... The Holy Synod and Metropolitan N... could not pronounce... silence... ended only with the words: grant them... He spoke the sermon with animation... Another at late mass, also with animation, according to my prayer to the Lord. I thank the Lord. Seven o'clock in the evening. I also consider it a sacred duty to give heartfelt thanks to the Lord for pardoning me, the accursed one, who again sinned with hard-heartedness and cruelty: once against a woman (an idiot of some kind) Feoktista for dissatisfaction with her ruble, which I gave her at her request, and against a boy who claimed great alms, whose hair I tore painfully. This sin killed me extremely, I could not find a place, and I repented, going to the houses of Kuznetsov, Miranovich and Dmitry Nikolaevich... Then the Lord had mercy on me, let me go in peace, which I had lost through my malice and hard-heartedness. We often look at our neighbors only as flesh and blood, and not as the image of God and members, brothers of Christ, His joint heirs, and therefore we often despise them, get angry, scold them, slander or hate them, envy, be stingy, or have unclean thoughts regarding them! Al. Vasilyevich Murashov forced a beggar to work for two days and gave only 25 kopecks, and on his name day he prepares dinner for guests for 300–400 silver rubles. Holy Prophet Habakkuk. The Lord created the greatest salvation for me during Matins for my repentance for my hardness of heart regarding the beggars who were waiting for me, whom I passed by without attention, for which I was subjected to an extremely acute and prolonged wound, and the Lord delivered me from this wound, from fire, sorrow and oppression. I jump and stamp my feet in joy that the devil has been completely defeated by the Lord our Savior Jesus Christ, by His grace in the person of the Mother of God and then in the saints: the apostles, martyrs, hierarchs, saints and all the saints. By the grace of the Lord we also hope to be delivered from sin and from the deceit of the all-world leader of evil and wickedness and all sin, which will come to pass. Amen. Two hundred rubles were sent from Pavel P. Sinebryukhov The Lord's Prayer is short, but so lofty and meaningful, so rich in thoughts that it must always be read secretly or aloud with the greatest attention, slowly, calmly, with reflection and feeling, in a clear consciousness of the presence of God, and then it will bring us much, much fruit, many spiritual and physical gifts. After all, the God-Man Himself in it prays to the Heavenly Father with us. The temptation 3, fear and delusion 4 of the devil disturb, confuse and seduce my accursed, passionate (defiled by the passions of life) soul day and night and tear me to sin, but You Yourself, Lord, intercede and save my soul. I am a servant of God, unworthy to be called a servant of God, because I have not done the will of God for a single hour through my negligence and passion. After Matins. I thank the Lord for His great, saving mercy, shown to me during Matins during my heartfelt repentance of my hardness of heart towards the poor, that I reluctantly, without humility, with pride and vexation, gave them alms, for which I was punished with sorrow and distress, from which I was delivered for repentance and falling with faith at the throne of God. The Lord gave me life instead of death, peace instead of confusion. But after Matins, on my way home, I gave thirty kopecks to thirteen beggars and, meeting more beggars, ran home from them and did not serve tea at the appointed time - at three o’clock in the afternoon. I have sinned in this too, Lord! Have mercy on me, my cowardice, forgive my stinginess. Evening, ten o'clock. I thank the Lord, who three times delivered me during the all-night vigil at the Neustroyevs from the deadening passion of anger: first against my nephew Ivan Fidelin, while still in my apartment, because I could not hear his speech when he spoke to me; secondly, against the sexton Mikhail Alekseevich for not singing as I indicated; thirdly, from the devil’s fear and embarrassment before speaking and during the speaking of dismissal, who spoke to himself, hastening and concealing his words, which is why he received a heart ulcer and spiritual death for the third time, during the service of the Neustroevs, through the prayer of faith and repentance after the service he immediately received deliverance and healing from the Lord. During the service, I had a secret dislike in my heart for Plato’s young wife Alex. Neustroeva - I don’t know well why: more for the fact that he moves away from the church, from me (my pride), because he wasn’t invited to the wedding (what should I do there?): vanity has many pretexts for hostility, but love covers everything. That’s why I didn’t pronounce my release because I assumed young Ekaterina Vasilyevna was standing in front of me at the time of my release. There are so many enemy snares, but the Lord solemnly delivered me from all of them. How much charm, seduction by the enemy in everything: we see an image - it seduces, we see a man - it seduces, we see a beggar - it seduces, we see a girl - it seduces, a man - it seduces. How long will I be ugly and absurd 6 in my soul? How long is the passion? How long is self-love, carnal pleasure, voluptuousness, love of money, subversive brotherly love, how long is hardness of heart? How long will intemperance and greed last? How long will unmercifulness and stinginess last? How long will there be contempt 7 and obstinacy towards the poor, our benefactors? How long will vanity, vanity, ambition last? How long will there be resentment, bitterness, hostility, contemplation, partiality? How long will zeal 8 , envy, [brotherly hatred]? How long will there be impatience, laziness, and negligence about the most important matter - pleasing God and saving the soul? How long will the anger and severity last? How long is suspicion crafty? Why do I slavishly follow my appetite, like a bitter pagan, and eat and drink until I am satiated? Is there any point here? Where is my faith? Where is the preparation for death and resurrection from the dead? As sons of the resurrection, the Holy Church prepares us by frequent fasting and abstinence into pure vessels of the Holy Spirit, worthy of the blessed resurrection. But who fasts as he should? Our very fasts only modify our gluttony and satiation: we become satiated with fasting food (I especially). Bodiless enemies constantly teach us vanity and passions: and in my sleep they incite me to gluttony and the love of money and the love of books for the sake of books, and not for God and the teaching of virtue. Oh, my damnation! Oh, my vanity, my passion! How long will I not choose one for the need? At the memorial service in Nikiforova’s house for Vukola Saveliy’s brother, the Lord quickly and graciously helped me, delivering me from the deadly wiles of the devil and giving me peace and strength to carry out the memorial service without stumbling! In a minute there is death, and after it - life! Oh my sweet life, Jesus! Oh, my eternal life, Jesus! I thank the Lord, who gave me twice-great mercy during Matins - deliverance and salvation from my sins: satiety, hard-heartedness, sorrow and oppression - and who renewed me with a perfect, wonderful renewal, with which I sang and read the canon of the Mother of God and St. Sava and the stichera. The second deliverance was during the reading and singing of the canon from the devilish suspicion of the abbot in pride and anger towards me and from my secret hostility towards him, which was killing my soul. And now, at home, the Lord saved me through my prayer of repentance, also from hard-heartedness towards the poor, to whom he did not give because several times they wanted to get alms from me. The Venerable Savva the Sanctified is a great spiritual rich man and merchant, enriched by the Divine and enriching many with this eternal, incorruptible, inalienable wealth. And we are rich in all kinds of sins and poor in God. The poor of Kronstadt are the measure of love for God and neighbors. The Lord judges each of us through them, testing our faith, our hope in God and in the resurrection and immortality, our heart, our compassion, our gratitude, our submission to the Gospel. At the Judgment they will be our judges. Ten and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who solemnly and graciously delivered me from the deadening, painful tightness that depressed my soul and body as a result of an unclean, evil view of [...], who came to carry out Vukolov’s brother Savely in the house of Nikiforov. I did not quickly get rid of this choking demonic poison, but through long and deep secret repentance, walking along the road while seeing off the body of the deceased. Having passed Gostiny Dvor, I got rid of cramped conditions and sorrow, adding to the prayer and invocation of the name of Christ the action of the hand on the sides and belly, which yesterday was directed towards food and drink, for which the especially evil and unclean one became stronger over me. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who exchanged the death of my soul for life, confusion for the world, cramped space for space, when I, upset at home by failures (in lighting the lamp in the lamp) and irritated with myself, was in a gloomy mood. I went to the Church of the Assumption of Our Lady and repented, asking for mercy. And the Lord revived me, a dead man: I arose and took courage. During the all-night vigil, the Lord repeatedly revived and renewed me, killed by the wiles of the devil, especially before reading the Gospel and after that, also after the great dismissal at Matins. I experienced an extremely acute temptation from demons at a prayer service after the all-night vigil, from which I only got rid of it through intense repentant prayer and resisted. But after these temptations, I came out stronger spiritually and after that I served prayer services in houses (at the post office and at the merchant Andreeva’s) with the greatest boldness, with the greatest sincerity, ease, unfailingly, peacefully, joyfully, firmly. I praise the Lord, who benefits me and defeats the wiles of the enemy in me and heals my passions. You, Lord, are my strong fighter! Morning. Yesterday, December 6, was for me the day of the greatest mercies of the Lord, a day of deliverance, cleansing, sanctification, consolation, renewal, help, strengthening, peace, encouragement, joy and triumph in the Lord. There was so much help and encouragement at the prayer services at Tolbukhin and Titkov, outside the city at Alexander Yakovlevich and at the Citadel pier: here the demoniac screamed extremely furiously, rushed about and tore from the feeling (in our weakness) of the power of God, and when I laid my hands on her, she little by little calmed down and came to her senses. After early mass, ten and three quarters. I thank the Lord, who at this moment delivered and healed my soul from the greatest sorrow and distress that befell me for my hardness of heart and stinginess towards the poor, to whom I gave less than they asked (some), and, despite repeated requests, did not give them what they wanted. For a long time I walked with a deadening tightness in my soul, until I repented with tears of my hardness of heart, and then the Lord gave my heart health, peace and space. I thank the Lord, who solemnly delivered me from the deadening sorrow and crampedness during Matins after I became angry with the altar watchman Procopius for not being at the altar at the right time and fell into great confusion, crampedness and fear, and then sincerely repented with faith and trust in God’s mercy. Then the Lord delivered me from new embarrassment and distress that befell me for embarrassment and cowardice and failure to say my prayer to Christ, the true Light. The Lord also wonderfully, omnipotently saved me from the greatest embarrassment and wounding of the devil during a prayer service to the Monk Nile of Stolbensky, who did not want to serve me, at which people were very crowded around me, and at which during the prayer service I slyly thought that perhaps someone else would [take] money out of his pocket, which embarrassed me. Through the prayer of repentance, the Lord forgave me, giving me peace, and I easily, anointed, with a living feeling, read the prayer of water. I spoke at mass about the rich man’s granary. Evening. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the languor of the devil, which lasted for a long time due to hostility towards the rector for his negligence in preaching and pronouncing the word of God and for receiving large incomes with extremely little work (envy). This hostility and envy severely embarrassed and mortally wounded and oppressed me from twelve o'clock until one o'clock - on the way to the prayer service in Vysokaya Street, during the prayer service and after it, when I walked home from the mountain, and finally I was forgiven by the Lord for my intense repentance in Rozovaya Street, opposite Egorov's house, and I felt calm and at ease. During Vespers, a similar story repeated with me, and through the prayer of repentance I received peace and freedom from the Lord and sang the stichera in a clear voice from a pure heart, sonorously and pleasantly. I glorify the wonderful Providence of the Lord for the poor and His inexhaustible generosity to them through me: every now and then I receive offerings from different persons; As soon as the money for the poor begins to run out, I get doubled. Glory to Thee, Lord! Although there are very many beggars, great are Your mercies, O Lord! Late evening. I thank the Lord, who has yet delivered me from the soul-deadening oppression that befell me righteously for my stubborn refusal to give alms to the beggars, who relentlessly chased me everywhere. He told them: there are no small ones or not now - and went his way. In K. M. Morgasov’s apartment I got rid of the cramped conditions. I accuse myself of not fulfilling the most important law - love. As soon as it is necessary to begin serving the liturgy, the bodiless enemies begin to produce a murderous, deafening dissonance of passions in the soul, to oppress, scorch, darken, shame, relax, and kill the poor soul, raising all the mud of sin from the bottom of the heart, until through repentance and deep faith you ask the Lord for forgiveness, pardon, intercession and salvation. I have not served a single liturgy without an extremely persistent struggle with myself, with the passions living in me and with the demons that mercilessly attacked me, now through hostility and bitterness, now through the voluptuousness of the flesh, now through the love of money, now through fear and false shame. Evening. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to perform Matins and early Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the life-giving Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the closeness of cruelty towards the poor (in the gymnasium) and in the evening before the christening in Kulagin’s apartment. I thank the Lord, who delivered me through fervent prayer of repentance from voluptuous inclinations. Oh, corruption! Foolish, ungrateful, passionate, self-loving and voluptuous, why are we seduced by the momentary sweetness of carnal passions, and a minute later by bitter, poisonous, soul-destroying, desecrating and corrupting the soul and body and separating us from God, the eternal life? Why do we infuse the soul with carnal sweets, created in the image and likeness, the daughter and bride of Christ and the Holy Spirit, to whom is promised an incorruptible, eternal inheritance, the enjoyment of endless blessings, the endless sweetness of eternal bliss? Stupid and senseless in their addiction to their sinful flesh! – let us come to our senses and work out our salvation with fear and trembling [Phil.2:12], walking the narrow path of mortification of the flesh with passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]! How do we not appreciate the sacredness and truth by which man was created? You have encroached on the holiness and tenderness of the feelings of a virgin heart, which God put into it so that a girl, having gotten married, could love tenderly and take care of her child and convey to him the purity and holiness of her feelings and teach him to love and fear God, or so that she, being a virgin, could with all her heart, with all the tender, fiery love innate to her, love the Lord, the Creator of creation and her Savior. You encroached on the church of God, not made by hands, holy, and on the mental altar of her virgin heart, on which the sacrifice of pure love for God was smoked. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from my sorrows, oppressions and passions during Matins and early mass (during Matins there is a sharp hostility in my heart and contempt for the abbot for his stoic coldness during service and for his various passions, although I myself am a very passionate person). For my unfeigned repentance and heartfelt contrition, the Lord delivered me from this misfortune. He served Mass quite well, received Holy Communion in a life-giving, renewing way! What a life-giving fire I felt after receiving the Holy Mysteries after the enemy’s scorching, painful fire! How blessed I was! But after leaving the church, I soon lost this dignity through my hard-heartedness and stinginess towards the poor! And only through a long, intense prayer of repentance did I get rid of hellish tightness by the grace of God! God bless! Holy Lady Theotokos! From You, the all-blessed God has clothed all of me as a person and You have clothed Him in all of Himself, eternally resting in You with His Divinity and adoring You with immeasurable deification! Glory to Thee, Mother of God, inseparably and inseparably united for endless centuries with the Divine and filled with endless holiness, truth, wisdom, knowledge. I thank the all-generous Lord, who has most abundantly provided me with His grace on this day, granting me to peacefully, without stumbling, perform the early liturgy and partake of His all-life-giving Mysteries for the wonderful all-revival of my deadness and the wondrous enrichment of my wretchedness. Behold, in the grace of God I jump and play and praise my God, the Lord Jesus Christ, together with the Father and the Holy Spirit. The Lord revealed the greatest salvation from the greatest, mortal wounding of the devil in me at eleven o’clock in the morning (he ran away from the beggars while walking). Also, the great and glorious salvation was revealed in me by the most merciful Lord when I went to the widow Olga Afanasyeva Karpova and became irritated with the beggars for begging after I gave them alms and shouted loudly at them for their importunity. From this I received a fatal ulcer in my soul, from which the Lord healed me for my deep repentance (I walked along the Lord’s street from Saydanskaya, turned towards the Assumption Church along the Citadelnaya and walked along Sobornaya to the Tretyakova house; it was at this very house that the Lord had mercy on me). Then, upon leaving Karpova, I headed home along Sobornaya, then along Gospodskaya, along Tsitadelnaya, along Posadskaya to the south, then along Narvskaya, along Aleksandrovskaya, along Andreevskaya, where I met beggars and again spoke angrily to them, called one a prisoner, and for this I again received an ulcer in my soul, from which the Lord soon healed me, granting me tearful repentance. I praise the Lord, who grants me repentance to life. On the ninth, I was saved by God in the second grade of the gymnasium (at half past one o'clock): I did not give to the poor and shouted at them; Irinarch Sizov also saved him from death and cramped conditions (he shouted loudly at the beggar). The Lamb himself in the form of a piece of bread is seen and offered, and the people redeemed by His blood at the proskomedia are remembered under the image of pieces of bread taken from the prosphora, which shows the unity of human nature with the Divine, inseparably united in Jesus Christ and in us, His partakers. He who eats My Flesh and drinks My Blood abides in Me, and I in him [John 6:56]. He who is united with the Lord is one spirit with the Lord [1 Cor. 6:17]. I ate cabbage soup, sturgeon with horseradish and fresh fried fish with greed, and at night I felt a lustful lust. I woke up many times, my sleepy dreams were from greed and gluttony. What baseness! What does the soul feed on during sleep at night! She denounces herself and her carnal aspirations. Oh, what are you working for, immortal soul created in the image of God? - Voluptuousness and decay. How you humiliate your divine nobility! How you pervert the divine order: first you put carnal, transitory, coarse pleasures that alienate you from God and His life, and then spiritual, eternal, heavenly ones, connecting the soul with the source of its life and immortality. I have sinned countless times against the Lord. Grant me, Lord, that from now on a new life has begun, according to the spirit. Wake up! (I sinned - I often broke my fast for the sake of gluttony.) In a dream I saw His Eminence Philotheus 9 angry at some young people, like students, including me, apparently for my gluttony; probably also for my speeches about our Metropolitan, who once received me extremely sternly and unkindly. I said that he was proud, inaccessible, treated like a despot with a slave, and not like a father with his son, not like a kind doctor with a patient. However, he excused him because of his years, his position, his illness, his busyness and his thinness. Thursday. I thank You, Lord, my highest, most perfect blessedness, for the gift of unfailing service of the liturgy and for the uncondemned acceptance of Your Holy Mysteries with the wonderful revitalization of my soul and body from them and for the victory and destruction in me of the machinations of the all-malicious demons, who scorched and oppressed me through grief at the sexton Mikhail Bystryakov, who soon sang instead the sacramental song is not enough. Through sin, a person sells to his enemy the devil his integrity and purity of soul and body, the image of God, which is installed in his soul, his union with God, his peace, his freedom, his nobility, his incorruptibility, and plunges himself into corruption, into ugliness, into slavery, into defilement, into ignominy, into moral powerlessness, sorrow and oppression, into death. Twelfth o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who now delivered me through the prayer of repentance during my walk through the yard from the sorrow and cramped conditions that befell me for my obstinate and distrustful treatment of three beggars who asked for an allowance for pants, a caftan and shoes, which I gave not with simplicity, but after words of distrust and reproach. In this I sinned against the Lord. Give in simplicity, man, as God gives to you. Based on the price offered for you on the cross by your Redeemer to the Heavenly Father, conclude how dear you are to Him and from what terrible misfortune, from what curse, from what death, from what torment of hell the Lord Jesus Christ delivered you, redeemed you, and live not for yourself, but for Him who died for you and rose again [2 Cor. 5:15]. Never encroach in your thoughts on the purity and tenderness of the feelings of a girl or woman and her affection and inclination towards love, for these are sacred talents given to her by God as a future or present wife and mother or as a daughter of God, the multiplication and preservation of which He requires from her by Divine right and an account of which He will demand at His Last Judgment. Do not desecrate the holy fire of love in yourself and in it, or do not bring alien fire into the church of God, not made by hands. Our God is a consuming fire [Heb.12:29]. Friday. I thank the Lord, who revived me, killed by the pleasures of life, miraculously through the communion of His Holy Mysteries during early mass. I saw and felt the wonderful, life-giving processions of my God in me, I saw how death disappeared in me and life reigned. What sudden boldness! What a life! What power! What a world! Saturday. After the early fortieth mass for Yakov Andreev. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sorrow and distress that befell me with the righteous judgment of God just before Matins for evading giving alms to the beggars who were chasing me. I begged the Lord for mercy, repenting with all my heart for my hardness. I thank the Lord most of all for my overcoming, through faith in Him, the fierce, scorching temptations of the devil, to which I was subjected during the celebration of the liturgy through the reader Michael, who read little of the canon for communion instead of the sacrament and did not allow me to calmly read the sacred hymn after communion of the Holy Mysteries. It was hard for me, but the Lord drove away the evil demons, healed me, revived me, comforted me, gave me a good yoke and a light burden. Upon coming home from church and after a new sin against the poor and after heartfelt, intense repentance, the Lord again showed me great and rich mercy, destroying death in me and giving me life and peace, lightness, space, boldness. Glory to the most merciful Lord. Brethren! You wanted to make a real holiday out of my anniversary [day]. It is done in my person to the priesthood, the Church and, I dare say, Christ Himself, Whose humble, unworthy servant I am. So, the real triumph is the triumph of the Orthodox faith. May the holy Orthodox faith grow, strengthen, and take root in our hearts, may our love for each other multiply. This holiday is a holiday of Christian faith and piety. Who is this holiday for? For me? - Not for me: I am a man servile 10 to all of you, gentlemen, and I have no special Christian virtues. But I am endowed with the priesthood; Although I am a small person, I have been awarded by God with very important powers for many, many - the powers to revive people into a new life, to sanctify, to resolve sins, to perform immutably the Mysteries of the Body and Blood of Christ, to unite with holy bonds of marriage in the image of the spiritual union of Christ with the Church, to be a mediator between you and God, to preach the word of God, the eternal truth of God, to hold high the banner of the Orthodox faith, to plant piety. It is these prerogatives of spiritual dignity, with which I am honored by God, that you value in me, and, seeing in me their feasible implementation, you honor today, a significant anniversary day for me, bringing tribute to our common Savior, who gave me His grace in the Holy Spirit, which, not without benefit, remained in me for a considerable period of years. May Christian faith and piety flourish among us, may the grace of the priesthood always be strong, effective, Divine, saving in its power in all shepherds to the glory of Christ, to the glory of the faith and the Orthodox Church, to the establishment of Christian faith and piety on this frontier of Russia, and may our faith and our Christian piety be a strength and defense from external enemies, visible as well as invisible. After Sunday Vigil. I thank the Lord, who took away the coldness of my heart that was at the beginning of the all-night vigil, and who kindled my heart with His grace; I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to read the Gospel almost without stumbling, with animation; I thank the Lord, who revived my heart, killed by the wiles of the devil, during the dismissal at the all-night vigil and especially after the prayer to Christ, the true Light, which I could not read from the fear of demons and confusion, the darkening of my thoughts and heart. We place the sign of the cross on the forehead, heart and chest in order to protect with the power of Christ these instruments of truth and sin and to make them only instruments of righteousness, in order to crucify for the sake of Christ all the old man, who manifests his destructive, sinful, ungodly activity in thoughts, feelings, and actions, and to revive the new one, created in the image of God in truth and holiness. So, punish sinful thoughts, feelings, intentions, passions in yourself at all times with sincere repentance, make sin dead in yourself and revive and grow in yourself every virtue, be a perfect man of God, ready for every good deed by the grace of Christ [2 Tim. 3:17]. Love God with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your strength [Matthew 22:37]. I thank the Lord for yesterday, filled with the greatest mercies and gifts of God: the kind affection of the people who gathered in large numbers in the cathedral for doxology and prayer, for mass and for my sacred anniversary, and the reading of the address from the parish and guardianship with the offering of a precious cross made of gold and precious stones. Unprecedented mercy of God! I thank the Lord for the gracious help during the service of the liturgy: with three thousand people it was difficult to serve, the disembodied enemy with his breath killed my soul, crushed, darkened, trampled into the ground, shamed, raising all the mire of sin from the bottom of my heart, full of uncleanness; I repented, lamented, cried; the voice was weak due to the bad weather, unclean at first, and then the grace of God purified it in the end, and the speech was spoken loudly, just as the second half of the mass was celebrated loudly. You need to cleanse your heart, cleanse it quickly. Cleanse, Lord! We often place the sign of the cross on the forehead, heart and shoulders in order to constantly sanctify the mind, heart and muscles with the cross and not allow sin to nest in us in any way - neither in our thoughts, nor in our hearts and in our actions: present yourselves to God as having come alive from the dead, and your members as instruments of righteousness to God [Rom. 6:13]. Why was I afraid and am afraid of the multitude of people gathered and gathering in the church? They, as one person, are most humbly devoted to me in soul: yesterday showed me, and the days that have come before. I fear only God. Away with the enemy's dreamy fear! I thank the Lord, who consoled me with His help and His victory in me over the machinations of invisible enemies, who during Matins deceived my heart with a passion for the gold and precious stones of the newly bestowed pectoral cross on me, and who gave me solemnly and joyfully, with the greatest boldness, to perform Matins, and then the Liturgy. At the beginning of the liturgy itself, the Lord, through the prayer of repentance and faith, performed the greatest miracle in me, driving away death from the heart, which happened from the hour-long wait for Deacon Poletaev to mass. The Lord gave me renewed life and deep peace and spaciousness in my heart. Tuesday. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform [the liturgy] without stumbling, although in a painful state (my head hurt very, very much), and to receive life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord for the speedy and greatest help during the celebration of the Sacrament of Baptism, when the enemy confused and killed my soul with an addiction to money due to Father Alexander’s dismissal of my services (requiem service for Bolshakov’s wife), and after the Sacrament was performed two or three times, the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions and death through the prayer of my repentance that I allowed the enemy to nest in my heart for the sake of self-interest and to kill my soul, that I made money an idol for myself and, out of addiction to it, fell away from love for God and my neighbor, forgetting how good I was with the Lord when I did not think about self-interest and the Lord was my only self-interest, my only asset: what peace there was in me then, what boldness, what space, what light, what strength! Now, when I was seduced by greed before and during the celebration of the highest, most heavenly Sacrament of Baptism, I suddenly lost all these blessings, because my soul fell away from God and changed my love for Him to the love of money, the devil, Judas, forgetting that I was called to incorruption and a heavenly, passionless life and must trample on everything that is worth it: money, and carnal pleasures, and worldly glory, the beauty of all earthly decorations. O Lord, the only and complete good that replaces everything for me! Be You always alone as the God of my heart, the life of my soul, my light, my peace, my strength, my sweetness, my wealth, my splendor, my incorruptibility, consuming and destroying all corruption. After sleep, when I woke up at ten and a half o'clock in the evening, the ethereal villain terribly robbed me, wounded me, killed me with carnal sweetness through one evil carnal glance at the girl and held me for a long time in painful captivity, until I bowed the Lord to my mercy with sincere, long repentance. Take heed and tread carefully [Eph.5:15]. Wednesday. My severe headache went away, thank God, after I cleared my stomach by eating six or seven pears and curdled milk. Scrofula tormented me: a fairly strong leak appeared from my right ear. How much rottenness there is in me! Thursday. During Matins there were two very acute and murderous attacks of grief and anger at sexton Bystryakov for one incorrect clue in calling the daily saints on the canon (unintentionally incorrect), and by my repentance the Lord delivered me from the death of sin. During mass there were also attacks of grief and anger at him for yawning while singing, and by the grace of the Holy Mysteries he conquered his feeling, having struggled with it for a long time. At Vespers he was defeated by the enemy for intemperance at Palyanov's (halibut pie, vodka, wine (a glass), porter, fish soup, jelly); he spoke the great litany quite well; at the end of Vespers, he crumpled at the final dismissal of Compline from timidity and cowardice. By repentance I asked God for forgiveness and renewal. On the street he became angry with the frequently begging beggars: he tore two of them by the hair, pushed one in the back for contradiction and inertia in movement, for dissatisfaction and begging. I sinned gravely against the Lord. Have mercy on me, Master! I myself willingly went today into the captivity of gluttony, when Sergei Palyanov invited me to eat his halibut pie and various libations before Vespers at my father’s. There was no need to go, especially before Vespers, and expose yourself to the danger of temptation and ridicule from the devil. Evening. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from great spiritual trouble, from the sorrow and cramped conditions and hellish captivity that befell me for my rage and hard-heartedness towards some beggars, whom I tore out by the hair and drove me into the aftershocks. The Lord accepted tearful repentance and gave me peace. Friday. This day I was honored for faith and repentance with prayer to receive the greatest mercies of the Lord: 1) in the morning, when, leaving home, I saw in the hands of Anna Konstantinovna a pot of milk for children in four bottles and regretted my money for it and envied the cheese-in-butter skiing of my nieces; 2) when, having arrived at the church, he saw a large carpet laid out, decorated for the archpriest’s service; here I fell to the Lord in repentance, preferred to all earthly blessings the one all-sufficing good - the Lord, considered everything earthly to be insignificant, and the Lord gave me peace and space instead of the confusion and tightness of my heart. Then, thirdly, at the cemetery, while visiting Father Nikolai, I heard from him that Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin had sent him a precious cross of nine hundred rubles at his own expense, and I envied him, although he had now been dead for six months or more; I was overcome by tightness and sorrow, which left me when I came to the Church of the Holy Trinity, venerated the Holy Altar in repentance, and for the prayer of faith received forgiveness from the Lord in my envy; fourthly, at Vespers, to which I came from the wake at Nikitina [K...] Lvovna and Par. Ivanovna Andreeva, could not serve, stumbled by the devil, he was embarrassed, he hesitated, he stopped, but when he begged the Lord through faith and repentance, he defeated all the machinations of the enemy and completed Vespers solemnly. At home, the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions and sorrow for my repentance. I thank the Lord for the tearful tenderness during the liturgy outside the city in the cemetery church with the awareness of my extreme weaknesses and sins, my corruption of heart and for the wonderful revitalization and renewal of my heart and whole being by the Divine communion of the Holy Mysteries! I was triblessed as if I were in heaven and not on earth. But soon the devil disturbed my heart with doubt: is this wonderful renewal from the Holy Mysteries of the Body and Blood of the Lord, or from the action of wine? Oh, wickedness! Oh, blasphemy! As if I am receiving communion for the first time, as if the word of God could be untrue: this is My Blood... this is My Body [Matthew 26:28,26]! How hard it was for me again from the evil breath of the adversary! And when I returned to the simplicity of faith in the Sacrament and in its wonderful power, I now calmed down. Glory to Your Divine Mysteries, Lord! We are called to incorruptibility and immortality and to heavenly life on earth - how are we, Christians, called to be our inheritance, heavenly heirs [1 Pet. 2:9; Rom.8:17 ], we chase after earthly corruption, we love corruption and are pained by corruption, painfully chasing after all the pleasures of the world, after the pleasures of the belly, after wealth, after distinctions, after stage games, after games of cards, after worldly books and newspapers and vanity magazines? Oh, ingratitude to God the Redeemer! Oh madness! Oh, the absurdity! Scripture says: Have a disposition that does not love money, being content with what you have. For He Himself said: I will not leave you [Heb.13:5]. I thank the Lord for His wondrous, greatest mercy and help during my service of Matins in the cathedral and during the reading of the canon and prayers for communion to my spiritual children. I felt unwell in my body—extreme burning sensation and tightness inside from lean fortifying food. I thank the Lord for the liturgy, for the stumbling-free service and communion. Evening. I thank the Lord for the wonderful salvation that has now been accomplished in me, after I, upset with my wife and then with the poor, died in soul, was in cramped conditions, darkness, sorrow, and then in heartfelt repentance, walking the streets, turned to God with a prayer for mercy and forgiveness. The Lord forgave and revived, reassured, consoled, enlightened, strengthened. Praise the Lord for such a change, renewal. Remember me, Lord, we often say. For woe if the Lord forgets anyone: he will perish forever in the land of oblivion, that is, in hell. Oh, remember me, remember me, Lord, and do not forget me! Evening. I sinned gravely before God, before the Mother of God, before the Angels of glory and all the saints and all people, by harshly and irritably, treating the poor with evil who surrounded me at the gates of our house and relentlessly asked for alms. I tore out three of them - one big and two small ones - by the hair, pushed one in the back, and called them sons of bitches. Oh, impatience, pride, voluptuousness! How long will I not mortify my passions, how long will I not put off the old man and his deeds? How long will I be a Christian only in name, and not in action? How long until Christ is imagined 12 in me? How long will I not have the Spirit of Christ in me? God! Correct and save me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me yesterday from the misfortune of my sins - rage and anger towards the poor and from their pernicious consequences for myself; I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance out of his usual mercy and patience towards me, a sinner, who pacified my troubled soul and healed it from the sinful ulcer. I thank the Lord, who saved me from unclean thoughts and movements of the heart of the flesh and from indecent imagination, who again quenched the confusion and sorrow of sin and reconciled with me. Glory to Him who keeps me in holiness and righteousness and incorruption! The Spirit who lives in us loves to the point of jealousy. But grace gives all the more [James 4:5,6]. Yes, I remember that I am the church of God and the Spirit of God lives in me. I thank the Lord, who delivered me in the morning from the greatest demonic oppression and the fire of hell that befell me for my anger at the beggar, who asked me for money after giving it to him. I repented deeply and sincerely, and the Lord had mercy on me. For a long time I was on fire and cramped. Many times during the day the Lord had mercy on me. Here is Neelov Peter A. The Lord delivered me from captivating partiality and voluptuousness, from the violence and embarrassment of the enemy and gave me purity of heart and peace. Nativity of Christ God. I sing and bless, I thank and magnify the Lord, who, through the prayer of faith and repentance, delivered me from the greatest and most difficult temptation and possession of the devil, from the unbearable violence and oppression of hell that befell me for refusing more alms to a beggar after he had already been given. The temptation happened just before Matins, when I was going to the Assumption Church to serve; I turned the beggar back several times, resolutely refusing him. In church I fell with great faith, repentance, effort and constancy at the three holy altars and finally at the chapel of St. Joseph the Songwriter; When I touched the Holy Altar (and many times) the Lord saved me during Matins and Mass. Glory to His all-good Providence! At the Liturgy at the Great Entrance, the all-worldly villain shamed me, confused me, weakened me, killed my heart because of the voluptuousness hidden and nesting in it; I, like a timid schoolboy, came out with a cup [in front of the people], I could not, or was too timid out of habit, to pronounce the names of the heiress and her son. In general, I felt that I was crawling on the earth and there was nothing heavenly in me. I cry and weep that I do not live up to my high calling as a Christian and priest, that I do not gather together with Christ, but squander it. Meanwhile, how highly placed I am! I must have, as a Christian and a priest, heavenly thoughts, feelings, views, intentions, I must breathe heavenly love for everyone, holiness and truth. I felt that I had lost an enormous amount for my soul during this fast through intemperance, through excessive consumption of wine, sweets, good foods, especially fish of various kinds. I was all dust, all dust, earth, all unclean. O holy saints of God, I envy your former life on earth in the flesh, your zeal for God, your labors and exploits, through which you received God and eternal life. I sinned before the Lord, before the abbot and before the brethren yesterday after separation from the abbot in that the old fool and the old devil scolded him with obscene words for abandoning us and burdening us with the work of walking and glory on us with cunning. I repent of my anger towards him, of disrespect and curses. I thank the Lord, who restored my health after yesterday’s disorderly drinking, which gave rise to a headache and heaviness of the head and body; At night I slept only until two o'clock - I walked twice in the air for a long time at night and in the morning. At Matins he walked and sang solemnly and read the canon. God bless. I thank the Lord, who delivered me last evening from the absorption of carnal voluptuousness that overtook me when the pure virgin with tenderness and virginal love came up to me and talked with me, asking me to confirm her in faith and love for God. I am in awe of the virgin’s immaculate feelings, of her ardent desire to please God, and may the Lord grant her to love Him completely! And we, damned, voluptuous sinners, are ready to pervert the high feelings of the virgin, striving for her incorruptible Bridegroom Christ, and turn them into carnal voluptuousness! Woe to the voluptuous sons of Adam, who perverted the gift of childbearing and used the organs of childbearing and the sweetness of childbirth (given as an incentive and means to childbearing and as a reward for childbearing) for evil, turning them into lust and pleasure of the flesh. Woe to those who do not respect and keep sacred the vital organs, male and female, especially those holy doors through which the Lord leads us into the false motherhood for the wonderful creativity of man and through which He brings us into this light, wonderfully and beautifully created. O holy Creator and Founder! Preserve the male and female sexes in the shrine and renew me, corrupted in lust through ignorance and temptations of the evil one. What does the Holy Church teach us with short exclamations or glorifications pronounced by a priest or bishop, for example: For Thy power... As it befits... As a God of mercy and generosity... As good and a lover of mankind... As a merciful and lover of mankind... For blessed be Thy name, and glorified is the Kingdom!.. They inspire us with lofty thoughts about infinite power and greatness of God, about the infinite goodness and mercy of God and about the eternal Kingdom of God, so that we undoubtedly hope to receive His mercy both here and in eternity and strive with all zeal for eternal life, using this life as a means and as a field and a fighting place for winning rewards from God in the future life. After Matins. I thank the Lord, who heard the repentant cries of my heart when I fell into the sins of bitterness and anger - first against the reader Adrian, who opposed me in the singing of the canon and especially the stichera on the praisers, and upon leaving the church against the beggars who asked me after the alms I had already given them. After anger and reproaches to them, I felt confusion, sorrow, oppression, and scorching fire, from which I got rid only of strong faith and hope, repentance and diligent invocation of the name of the Lord. It was only for the grace that surpassed iniquity that the Lord had mercy on me; I was unworthy of this mercy, like an evil person who constantly falls into the pathlessness. I thank the Lord, who raised me up completely healthy and awake from sleep. Evening. I thank the Lord for the miracle of His salvation of my unworthiness in the apartment of Yakov Markov from grave embarrassment, cramped conditions and sorrow and the burning of hell that befell me as a result of the fire on my sexton Mikhail Bystryakov and especially on Deacon Vladimir Poletaev and Adrian Nikitin, a hired sexton, for the lies of these two against me and for the deacon’s rude words regarding me, for disobedience and bitterness. I cried out to the Lord with unshakable faith and unshameful hope, in unfeigned repentance, and the Lord performed a miracle of salvation in me, giving me life instead of death, instead of confusion and crampedness - peace and space, instead of scorching fire - cooling and revitalizing dew. Glory, glory, glory to the grace of the Lord! After the all-night vigil. Mournful and full of indignation was my meeting with my father, Deacon Vladimir, after what he said to my sexton in the cathedral; I could not resist, I made a bilious remark to him regarding his unfriendliness and pride, to which he responded with anger. I was extremely upset and for a long time I was in confusion, cramped conditions, shame and death. But the Lord accepted my unfeigned repentance and had mercy on me, plucking out the thorns of sin, especially after reading the Gospel, in which I missed the words: for it was not for the Master of Scripture... to rise from the dead [John 20:9] and repented; The Lord performed a miracle of my salvation when I stood at the Gospel, giving me renewal and peace. I thank the Lord, who killed the passions that killed me, who nailed them when they, like nails, pricked and oppressed me. In the morning he served mass for Burachok in the Duma Church; the demons fiercely pressed me, at the great entrance they confused, confused, crushed me, and I did not reprimand the heiress and son. Communion revived me. Glory to the Lord! Morning. At five o'clock I went for a walk in the air and was tempted, cursed and hard-hearted, through a beggar who followed me; I left him many times, thinking of secretly praying in private, and I was embarrassed and deadened in soul because of the beggar; Finally, having met him, I found out that he had a great need, and gave him thirty kopecks. Regarding the sexton Adrian, Nikitin was also tempted, because he is hostile to me for not giving me five rubles for the holiday. I closed the doors - he quickly threw them away; let it not be imputed to him; I need to give his wife two rubles. God! Grant me to live dispassionately, in meekness, kindness, patience, peace and humility, in purity and abstinence, in work and deeds, in constant sincerity, in fulfilling all Your commandments. Six o'clock in the morning. This very minute the Lord showed me the greatest Divine mercy, delivering me from the claws of the devil and from his omnivorous and murderous jaws, forgiving me for my repentance the sin of hard-heartedness and unmercifulness. Oh, how I was bound fiercely, deadly by the enemy's straits 13! How ashamed I was, horribly! Glory to the Lord, who destroys the wiles of the devil in us and cleanses our sins with ineffable mercy. Eight and a half o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord, who saved me from the fierce remorse of the serpent in [Victorskaya] street in the apartment of a workman after giving a prayer to a mother in labor and a baby named Gregory (Nyssa), regarding the crafty suspiciousness of the abbot (Jordan) and anger towards him; I was greatly hurt by the demons, but, having repented, I immediately received forgiveness and healing. And now the Lord has healed my spiritual burning ulcers through the prayer of my repentance. Again I sinned with my evil suspiciousness about the archpriest. Ten o'clock. I thank the Lord, who soon heard my prayer of repentance (five o’clock in the evening) in Shubina’s house in the apartment of the shoemaker Zalevsky before the performance of Baptism and who granted me forgiveness for the sin of grieving the sexton and the beggars who were chasing me, and who gave me the grace to calmly perform the Sacrament. I thank the Lord, who at this hour accepted my double repentance and twice had mercy on me with the greatest mercy, who delivered me from heartfelt sorrow and tightness and cowardice and gave me peace, space, and boldness. Because of the beggars, I fell into temptation: when they presented their various needs, I became angry with them for their incessant begging, called them idlers, and reluctantly and sadly gave them what they asked for. Then, as a result of grief, I sincerely repented of my severity and obstinacy, stinginess, love of money, hard-heartedness, envy, impatience, slander and slander, pride, carnality and gluttony, insensibility and ingratitude before God. But I sinned again, being indignant at the girl Tatiana for staying with us overnight and for her they took away one of my beds. Have mercy on me, Lord, proud and evil. And again I committed a new sin, being angry with my wife for stinking the air in my bedroom and office (which is also a prayer room) with camphor, and calling her and my sister stinking women. I sinned with rage and slander, but I repented with all my soul, with living faith in the Lord, and the Lord had mercy on me again, giving me peace and spaciousness in my heart. I have no sincerity and deep truth and love, neither in words, nor in deeds, nor in prayer; pride has penetrated deeply into me and confuses and corrupts me; Especially on great holidays, I find it difficult to perform the liturgy, for the enemy attacks my heart, kills me, puts me to shame, and does not allow me to lift my eyes directly to God and pray with boldness for people. I thank the Lord, who delivered me for my sincere repentance from painful (demonic) hostility towards the rector at his discretion on the church portico; I thank the Lord for giving me love, peace, freedom, boldness, for delivering me from oppression, inner shame, from the torment of the devil. Five o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who has now heeded my tearful, repentant prayer for forgiveness and pardon for me, the accursed one, who fell into anger and insolence, into insolence with my hand: I hit a beggar with my hand for importunity and frequent begging, for which I lost the grace of peace, freedom and boldness of spirit and felt within me a scorching fire, confusion, sorrow, oppression, death. But the Lord, kind and quick to obey, gracious and kind, delivered me from all these troubles. Praise the Lord. I thank the Lord, who through repentance and tears grants me the rebirth of grace, the rebirth of truth, peace and renewal every day and many times over. Eight o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the merciful deliverance of my unworthiness at the end of Matins from the poison of the serpent, poured out from the evil mouth of the dragon because of my suspicion about the abbot, allegedly he is not a pious person at all, but is completely cold and careless in his faith. I repented with all my soul of my evil suspiciousness, asking the Lord for mercy, and the Lord had mercy on me, giving me peace, boldness, and healing from spiritual ulcers. Praise the Lord. At night, at twelve o'clock, the stone theater in Kronstadt caught fire, and everything in it burned down, only the walls remained. The caretaker of the theater Gabriel, an officer, burned with his entire family of five people, and three more burned, for a total of eight people. A terrible visit from God! Going often to church for the glory and praise of the Lord, the Mother of God, the holy Angels and the holy saints of God, through this we become more and more appropriated to the Lord and Lady, the holy Angels and the holy saints of God, borrowing from God and from the saints the spiritual aroma of holiness and truth and all virtue and purifying and strengthening the soul with the grace of Christ and examples virtues of the saints. It is a blessing, a great blessing and happiness to go often to doxology in the church of God: it saves from sins and temptations of the devil and worldly, it nourishes, delights, enlightens and strengthens the soul in faith and piety. And how good is God’s service in the Orthodox Church! Nowhere in the whole world, in any other faith or denomination, is there such a wonderful, heavenly, delightful service. One o'clock in the afternoon. Faith, hope and Christian love are ready to give the last to the beggar with joy for the sake of Christ, in the person of the beggar asking us for alms, but I am wretched and from the excesses of my own and even other people’s money I often give reluctantly or with annoyance, with anger and irritation, with pride, with rage and malice, stingily, with envy, with great coercion, severity and obstinacy. Where is my faith, my hope and love, merciful, long-suffering, not envious, not irritated, not conceited, not thinking evil, enduring all things, covering all things, having faith in all things, never falling away [1 Cor. 13:48]? Oh, how strangely and passionately I lose faith, hope and love! Two hours. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of my repentance, delivered me from the fiercest mental and physical torment into which I fell for my anger and rage against the poor and for the abundance of slanderous words against them, since they made all the significant demands for various needs, but I did not believe them and thought that they would drink the money they received. It was as if I was in hell, and then the Lord brought me out of darkness and the shadow of death, and His Spirit was again in me and revived me. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who healed my soul for my deep and strengthened repentance from the severe sorrow and distress that befell me for my anger towards the poor and for not giving them enough alms. Many times I fell to the throne in the Peter and Paul chapel, praying to the Lord for mercy, and the gracious and benevolent Lord heard my lamentable cry and had mercy on me, giving me life instead of death, and peace instead of confusion, and space instead of cramped conditions. Blazn (Church Glav.) – temptation. Prelest (church glory) – deception, seduction; wandering, evasion. Porevati (Church Glav.) – to encourage. Lepota (Church Glav.) – beauty. Contempt (Church Glav.) – arrogance, contempt, disdain. Zeal (Church Glorious) – jealousy; strife, discord. Obviously, this means Philotheus (Uspensky; 1808–1882), Metropolitan of Kiev. Since March 14, 1847 - rector of the Moscow Theological Seminary. On December 18, 1849, he was consecrated Bishop of Dmitrov, vicar of the Moscow diocese. On August 19, 1853 he was appointed Bishop of Kostroma. On February 15, 1857 he was transferred to the Tver department. On April 23, 1861, he was elevated to the rank of archbishop. On May 5, 1876, he was elevated to the rank of Metropolitan of Kyiv and Galicia. He carried out many ascetic feats. Obsequious (church-glory) - just as susceptible to suffering, passions, just as fragile as everyone else. Rebirth (church glory) - rebirth, renewed life. Imagine (Church Glav.) - take on an image. Mrezha (Church Slavic) – a net for catching animals; seine.