Февраль 1882 г.

Monday. I thank the Lord, who performed a glorious miracle of mercy and deliverance in Annin’s apartment (before the memorial service for his daughter Catherine), when melancholy and sinful sorrow gnawed at my heart and when in repentance, with faith and hope, I cried out to the Lord for mercy and deliverance; I got rid of melancholy and sorrow and despondency and became calm, spacious in my heart and gracious, for the Lord was reconciled with me for repentance. The sting of the prodigal chilled me. Great art thou, O Lord, and wonderful are Thy works 118, the works of Thy mercy, for there is no sin to overcome Thy love for mankind. Through the most bitter experience I learned what fornication is and how bitter and painful it is and how separating it is from God, this mental fornication, which at first seems so sweet and brings earthly bliss. O Master Lord, Witness of my thoughts and all the feelings and movements of the heart, grant me the grace from now until the end of my life to remain in the purity of soul and body, and may I never be seduced by any kindness of face, but may I look only at Your kindness and incorruptible grace, and may I live in the enjoyment of Your beauty, from which all created beauty comes. Amen. Wake up! Remember me, Lord, on this day (February 2) - the day of Your bringing into the church - as I am the firstborn of my mother, remember me in the same way, and make me holy to You, the God of my life, all the days of my life and teach me to do Your will. Amen. I record on the pages of my diary the enemy’s misfortune, which I suffered on this date at the christening of Sidorovsky’s clerk in Novoposadskaya Street and at Vasily Fedorovich Nikitin’s after the wake at Mr. Annin’s in the Garbko house at the farewell of his deceased daughter Ekaterina. The enemy dealt me ​​a terrible blow during the celebration of the Sacrament: and after prayer and struggle, I could not break his onslaught, but I had to give in and remain silent a lot, and say prayers in secret, and even the baptismal Gospel, and not speak at all. Terrible confusion and complete darkness of thoughts, the greatest shame. This is for whiskey and gin - strong bread drinks, which I have never drunk before, but today I drank a glass (two shots of half a glass). Oh, how sober a priest should always be, especially before baptisms and other services! The weather was disgusting, irritable, rainy, pain throughout the body. Only at home I calmed down. Forgive, God, all my sins, voluntary and involuntary. I thank the Lord for the peaceful celebration of the Liturgy and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries, which renewed me. I gave my word to forever belong to the one all-blessed and all-good Lord and never to sin. Grant, Lord! But then, through gluttony, he ruined God’s gift at the funeral. May the breasts that nourished me be sacred and unblemished for me, and the entrances and exits through which I entered and exited into life, and the womb in which I was born and rested - may everything maternal be an object of reverence for me, and not of lust. For all this is the work of the hands of my Christ; all the ouds of Christ - the ouds of a man and a woman - everything is holy, beautiful, wise, unblemished, purely created for benefit, and not for harm, for life, and not for the corruption of man, for holiness, and not for desecration, for the will of God is your sanctification: keep yourself from fornication and acquire your vessel in holiness and honor, and not in lustful passion [ 1 Thessalonians 4:3-4]. How blessed, wonderful, holy, pure, wise, powerful is God’s law of childbirth, through which we all came into the world by this grace of God, and grew, and live, and enjoy our existence and the countless gifts of God and the beauty of all His creations, of which there is no number. Grant, then, Lord, that I should revere this wonderful, gracious, holy and life-giving law for those initiated into the Sacrament of Marriage, but corrupting and desecrating for the uninitiated and adulterous, and forgive me, Lord, for the sake of ineffable goodness, all my former sins against it. Wake up! With all my heart I thank the most merciful and gracious Lord for delivering me last night at six o’clock from the painful attacks of fornication that had been depressing me since the morning: I prayed in repentance, and He delivered me. See how your soul immediately falls away from God when it is overwhelmed by any passion, confused, darkened, weakened, put to shame, tormented. Oh, may no sin touch us even one foot, may the soul be completely devoted to God, may the soul and body be entirely God’s. Glorify God both in your body and in your soul, which are God's [1 Cor. 6:20]. My right hand, due to my sins, has been in severe pain for a week now when bending and moving towards and away from myself. Deliver, Lord, from this misfortune. Previously, my head hurt with the most painful twitching, now my right hand, the most necessary hand, the most active member. I am worthy of all punishment for my sins: hard-heartedness, lust, gluttony, bitterness, envy, greed, vanity, laziness, negligence, disobedience and other sins, but accept me repentant, Lord, and grant me perfect correction and zeal for perfection in every virtue. Be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect [Matthew 5:48]. Buy mustard alcohol and gunpowder oil to rub into your hand. I have experienced a thousand times and without number, what heavenly bliss to be justified by God through tearful repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries, to be in God and with God, in holiness and truth, what peace, what space of heart, boldness, what heavenly joy in the heart! Why did I fall from the truth of God, from purity and holiness and fell into the sin of sensuality, doing what was pleasing to the flesh in lust [Rom. 13:14]? Why was he defiled by prodigal actions, thoughts, feelings, touches, kisses, hugs? Return, O Lord, my feet to the witness 120 of Thy [Ps. 119:59], on the right path, and grant me to sincerely, irrevocably cleave to Thee with all my being, with all ardor and zeal, and teach me to do all Thy commandments right. Bless, Lord! Cleanse, Lord, save, Lord! Make [Russian: establish] my steps in Your paths [Ps.16:5]. Thursday. Evening. I thank the Most Merciful for the repeated, sovereign, speedy deliverance from the fierce devilish incitements to sin during mass and the cathedral prayer service on the occasion of the name day of Metropolitan Isidore and after the prayer service and for the revival of me, unworthy, so palpable, so joyful. Oh, grant me, Lord, to firmly keep all Your commandments - the commandments of abstinence, purity and chastity, meekness and humility, gentleness, truth and holiness, courage and boldness, self-respect and self-control, patience, mercy and compassion, simplicity and sincerity, for all Your commandments are perfect and lead to perfection, eternal life and bliss. Wake up! All the laws and commandments of the Creator and Master are wise, beneficial, life-giving, holy, expedient, precise, firm, and unblemished. They must be fulfilled accurately, firmly, without stumbling, according to the thought of God, in order to be worthy of His blessing and eternal life. Morning. Today, after matins before the prayer service at the Postnikovs in Novaya Street, the temptation of envy, greed, love of money, and lust killed my soul after the watchman (instead of the sexton) Procopius told me that last night the rector administered unction to the merchant Isakov, whose confessor I am (and Isakov generously pays for the services). I could not calmly serve the prayer service, but in confusion and excitement with the complete powerlessness of my heart, captive and bound by the devil, who completely tied my spiritual feet, so that it was impossible to walk either back or forward. Meanwhile, I earnestly prayed to God in repentance to deliver me from these troubles; The Lord did not deliver me for my delicacy yesterday, my drinking of wine, and especially for my adultery. But return to me, O Lord, Your former grace, which I boldly reproached shortly after communion of the Holy Mysteries. Thank God that I did not unction yesterday on Isaac, for due to gluttony and wine I was not ready for spiritual work, for prayerful contemplation and heartfelt feeling, and my inexhaustible treasure is the Lord, whose right hand has never become scarce for me. Forgive me, Lord, all the sins I have committed for Your name's sake. After giving communion to a sick girl in Druzhinin’s house. The pitiful state of my soul: I did not feel sincere compassion for the sick woman, but thought about bribes; involuntarily neglected the rational and immortal soul of both his and hers, created in the image of God, so to speak, cursing the greatness of God in himself and in his neighbor. Oh, bribe! Oh, filthy self-interest! Oh, multi-passionate, corruptible flesh, which must be despised for its passions and its resistance to God, as well as any self-interest, for one must place one’s hope in the one God, the generous Giver and Nourisher of all blessings. And this morning, having heard about Isakov’s parting words to the merchant, it was not his soul that I regretted and cared about, but now I regretted his money, which went to someone else (the abbot), and not to me, although I myself was not ready, and was not worth anything, no retribution 121 except punishment. When will the mood and direction of my soul change for the better? Passions overwhelm and carry me away and pose a terrible obstacle to the love of God and neighbor! Lord, have mercy and help me! It was hard and terrible for me from the evil spirits during the christening at Mr. Esaulov’s and during the all-night vigil at Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin’s; With tears, on my knees, I prayed for half of the all-night vigil for deliverance from the spirits of evil, which fiercely confused me and did not allow me to read the Gospels (at the christening I secretly read the Gospel, not having the strength to speak), and the Lord in the end granted me victory over the stubborn demons; For this I thank with all my heart the Lord, the most merciful and all-generous and all-powerful. After the all-night vigil I drank tea with cognac at the headman’s - very good and healthy: my right hand felt better and better. God bless! (The demon was also playing tricks on her.) Saturday. I thank the Lord for the celebration of the Divine Liturgy and for the uncondemned fulfillment of the ineffable mercy of the Lord - the communion of the Holy Mysteries, for the cleansing, sanctification, renewal, revitalization by them and for the great victory over the forces of hell. Grant me to walk in the newness of life, O Lord, which I have now received from You. The temptation to record the income of the brethren: after all, as a result of my prayer to God for the fidelity of the record, both Father Paul and Father Alexander forced themselves to write it down. Simply wonderful! And how much I lose peace of mind and love and zeal for God and my neighbors because of empty worries about money! Evening. The enemy of God and the human race brutally deposed me for some absurd fear of the gathering of people present in the church, binding my thought, heart and tongue and not allowing me to read the Sunday Gospel (last of Mark): I tried once and twice - but could not, for the enemy stuck his tongue to my larynx, and I quit reading the Gospel with shame. How the enemy curses the Lord Himself and His word through my reproach and false shame and deceit! And he could not say the prayer to Christ, the True Light - he just became numb. After the all-night vigil, shame, despondency, despair, grumbling at God for not providing the help I asked for, knowing the treachery of the enemy in advance, but then I repented, falling to the holy throne at the Intercession of the Mother of God, I asked for forgiveness, salvation and peace and great mercy - and I received it and left in peace. Glory to the Lord, who does not forsake me on the day of cruelty! After the Fall, the devil puts into the soul despondency, cowardice, fear, murmuring, despair - these new and most painful sins. But, on the contrary, a sinner must have hope, combined with sincere, firm, irrevocable repentance, so that no sinner despairs of his salvation; The Holy Scriptures of the Old and New Testaments show countless examples of the repentance of sinners who were again accepted through repentance into the love of God. True, sin confuses and frightens the soul even after repentance at the memory of sin, but this is an ordinary loophole of the enemy, seeking to trap the soul again in the net of despair; one must be strong and courageous and not succumb to fear and despair, for the granting of God’s mercy to a repentant sinner is certain; he must look cheerfully and boldly, with confidence at everyone and not embarrass others with his embarrassment, which may the most merciful Lord grant to me and to all sinners like me. One must look at everyone with purity and humility, calmness and goodness, and impartiality, especially the priest and especially during the service. I thank the Lord for giving me the word to preach to people on the Week of Cheese; grant, Lord, and to pronounce it with great power in fulfillment of Your Gospel. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the delusion of prodigy in my heart and from torment through intense prayer of repentance. Deliver from her forever, Lord! The law of procreation and copulation of husband and wife is the law of the Creator, holy, gracious, wise, life-giving within the law and destructive, corrupting outside the law, pitifully separating the soul from God and His life, His grace and combining with the devil and his delusion, torment, death. Before the law of procreation and before the members of procreation, all who have received life from God through it should reverence with gratitude, and not abuse its sweetness, which serves as an incentive and means to procreation, or procreation, and not the goal of anyone’s life; So, when you are not called to the creation of children, then do not even think about the pleasure of procreation and the procreation of copulation, and do not think about sowing where it is not allowed to sow and where you do not think to collect the blessed fruit, or if you cannot sow into the depths of the living, animate earth and you are only in vain spilling the seed on an insensitive place. Pray to God with all your heart to take away from your heart and from your sides and from your loins all charm. Resurrection. Conspiracy. I thank the Lord, who helped me read more than half of the prayer for the king well, calmly, expressively; in the end he overpowered the adversary and crushed me; then he served the entire mass with feeling and tears; received communion with feeling, life-giving; I went out to read the pulpit with embarrassment and fear of the devil and really got lost and didn’t read all of it out of fear of humanity and lack of fear; I stole my leave at the liturgy, at the memorial service too. I’m afraid to look at people, especially elegant and beautiful ones - what a beauty, what a demonic dream! I’m afraid to look at strangers and acquaintances, even if I don’t look at people at all, but a priest needs to look in order to see everyone, to [observe] everyone. Take away from me, Lord, the tormenting devilish charm, grant me to look at everyone directly, cheerfully, sincerely, fearlessly, purely, sovereignly, pastorally, fatherly, lovingly, with dignity and self-control. Wake up! Evening. During Vespers, I was extremely indignant at the baseness, drunkenness, negligence and coldness of the hired sexton Nikitin, who came to the Great Vespers in a drunken state - I could not calm down throughout Vespers. I know the intentions of Satan: he is trying to disrupt God’s service and deprive parishioners of edification and consolation and to insult the Lord Himself in his servants, for example in me: he does not want to allow me to sincerely repent of my sins. But may the grace of repentance embrace me and all the people of God, may all hearts be contrite, may the Lord allow us to shed rivers of tears. Amen. My right hand is getting better by the grace of God; it caused scrofula to flow to my chest and form a cough and phlegm. Today I visited my nephew Fidelin, drank beer and tea with black bread and village Kholmogory butter. It is a great thing not to be discouraged by the Fall and to hate and loathe sin, which it deserves, but to love the truth of God with all your heart. Monday of the First Week of Lent. Satan consumed me many times today during Matins (at the Great Litany and Petitionary Litany, a perfect stop while praying for the Holy Synod and when remembering my vice), at the clock during the saying of the troparions of the third, sixth and ninth hours, at the Great and Petitionary Litany and at the Dismissal, and during Vespers during the reading of the Dispensation, prayer and Litany, but every time the Lord rescued me from his terrible shepherd, from torment and death of the soul, giving me mercy, peace, cleansing, sanctification, boldness, thanksgiving. I thank the Lord, who by His grace showed me great help against the demons during my service of Matins in the cathedral on this date; They terribly ulcerated me and killed me with extreme embarrassment and fear, pain, but the Lord, for faith and repentance with prayer, delivered me from all troubles, especially before the Six Psalms and before the prayer Save, O God, Thy people. The adversary did not allow the suppliant litany to be uttered, killing and paralyzing the heart. He sang the prayer to Christ, the True Light, but did not read it. Temptation: I was secretly extremely angry with Father Pavel Trachevsky, who was fussing around in the altar for a long time, suspecting him of untimely spying, but again secretly reconciled with him by the grace of God. Oh, cursed be all sin. Ardent love for God drives out and burns all worldly, unclean love; therefore, in order to get rid of this false, worldly, corrupt love, passionately love the one God and His truth - and you will easily escape the snares of worldly love. With my new sin, destroy, Lord, all the old leaven of sin, all the unclean charm, so that there will no longer be a place for it in my being, which has long been flooded with uncleanness. For I knew all its absurdity, abomination, destruction and through it the removal from God and His grace, light, peace, power, life. I thank the Lord, who showed me today, February 9, the greatest help in the service of Matins, the Hours, and especially Vespers, which was served on an empty stomach. Ten o'clock. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the sting of fornication through the prayer of my repentance. The sting of Your holy love has wounded me completely, irrevocably, Lord! I have long noticed that the evil adversary, the enemy of God and men, turns me away from God’s word and does not allow me to speak freely, seizes and infringes, weakens and mortifies my heart, covers my face with shame, causing muteness, but I freely read the words of non-Holy Scripture. O most crafty Satan! May the Lord put you to shame and burn you, but grant me victory over you and grant me a crown for your sake according to my victory, or the grace of God, over you, the most merciful. The most amazing, wonderful, holy, kind, wise, omnipotent, constant, unchangeable, sweet law of procreation, given by God to the nature of animate creatures, people endowed with reason, created in holiness and truth, thoughtlessly, boldly, ungratefully violate and ruin, doing an inappropriate and shameful thing. God, enlighten, have mercy and cleanse us sinners. Grant me to revere the two sexes of humanity and the genital organs and remember them purely, unblemished, gratefully, reverently when they come to mind, and not be embarrassed by the influence of the enemy. For both I and everyone received a sweet and wonderful existence through these organs and knew in our existence You, the Creator and Creator and our God. Amen. Forgive past sins and do not remember, Lord! Always strike, Lord, the arrogant, impudent, nasty, violating, and darkening, and shaming demons of my humble soul, mercilessly attacking my weakness, for I have no other helper than You and the Lady Theotokos with the Guardian Angel. The incorporeal enemy attacks me brazenly, boldly, intimidatingly, with violence and consistency, puts me in a false, absurd, unclean attitude towards people, especially towards the female sex, and I must boldly, courageously, calmly, daringly, persistently arm myself against him with the help of God. Today I acted poorly and evasively in the fight against him during Matins, replacing myself with a deacon at all litanies, which is why the enemy became even more bold against me in temptations. (At a prayer service in the sixth wing of a military official, an adversary stopped me and knocked me down while reading the Gospel of the Mother of God, in litanies and exclamations. What insolence!) Having Thy strength, Lord, may I crush the demonic weak insolence with the prayers of the Mother of God, the apostles and martyrs. After the Liturgy of the Presanctified. I thank the many-merciful and all-generous Lord, who allowed me to complete the entire service without stumbling, although in great weakness, but the power of God was perfected in my weakness. Oh, how sweet, life-giving, supremely peaceful, affirming for soul and body today was the communion of the most pure, heavenly and life-giving Mysteries! By the grace of God, I read the prayer behind the pulpit sincerely, loudly, rarely, without stumbling. Vast said quite well, but did not pronounce the names of the holy Apostle Andrew the First-Called and Peter and Paul and the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky. The enemy deposed me yesterday at Compline while saying the prayer, Master of Merciful, for my intemperance - for eating before Compline, and how painful and shameful it was for me, what confusion, darkness, sorrow, crampedness! But I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance and gave me peace through my prayer. After the service I went to give prayer to Glyasfeldt’s wife; Upon leaving the church, a lot of beggars surrounded me, and I took a cab and left; when I read the prayers, the devil again fiercely kicked me while reading them, sarcastically, fired at almost every word, I barely read it with omissions due to demonic hesitations. Again sorrow and cramped conditions and trouble! I walked back with Olga Sofronovna’s brother; Having arrived at the cathedral, I again fell to the throne of grace with repentance and prayer for deliverance and peace of heart, and the Lord again poured out His great and rich mercy on me. Glory to His invincible goodness and love for mankind! What is truer than the Lord, truer than the truth of the Church, the Gospel and the Patrists? And in this truth the ethereal villains cause me to stumble when I should express it in language! And they don’t allow me to pray, and repent, and ask for mercy, they don’t allow me to open my heart to sincere love for everyone in the Lord, to truly and fervently pray for all people! They harden, they wound, they afflict my heart with various fierce memories of sins! God! Deliver Your servant from fierce temptations! If the buzzkonia comes, Lord, Lord, who will stand? For you have purification [Ps.129:3]. Nine o'clock in the morning. I, weak, asked the Lord for the grace of serving with boldness, a pure heart, without stumbling - and I was not ashamed, although at first the enemy defeated me, not yet strengthened by the struggle, but then by the grace of God I overcame him when I said the great litany and prayer Save, O God, Thy people and further. He sang the prayer to Christ, the True Light without stumbling and said the dismissal with almost all the saints. Glory to the Lord, who strengthened me, who was weak. Yesterday's wine, milk mushrooms, grapes and apples were good for me (from Markov and Machigin). When pronouncing the great litany, the voice was powerful and strong, and the nerves did not tremble. Thank the Lord! What a restful and healthy sleep I had after Matins! This is a gift from God for good and victorious service to Him! I thank the Lord, who cleanses all my iniquities [Ps. 102:3] and helps my infirmities. After my morning sleep (from seven and a half to eight and three quarters of an hour) I was subjected to an extremely harmful temptation on the part of my multi-passionate, prodigal flesh; My whole being was instantly flooded with prodigal, deadening, depressing mud for soul and body, and for a long, long time I had to internally repent and pray at home, and on the street, and in church, falling with strong internal, secret cries of repentance to the throne of mercy and judgment in the Church of the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul and the Protection of the Most Holy Theotokos. Finally, the Lord, seeing deep repentance, delivered me from the vile mud of sin, which was killing my soul. There is no need to sleep in the morning unless absolutely necessary: ​​after sleep, the heart is extremely morally weak and serves as a convenient breeding ground for sin. In the church during the hours of the litany, he spoke the great and petitionary litany badly, hastily, with a heart paralyzed from the fear of demons, insincerely, furtively. Alas for me that I cannot always serve sincerely! After hours I begged the Lord for a long time for mercy and peace. The Lord has mercy like an abyss of mercy. The merchant F.S. Gerasimov gave communion to his mother Evdokia Faddeevna; the demons were seriously annoying and did not allow me to pronounce the endings of prayers and praises and the prayers themselves; the wheel of the heart moved with difficulty; again at the altar he repented and received healing from the throne of grace, and it became easy, easy. At Dmitry Semenovich, a butcher, a prayer service was served with feeling, sincerely after a mistake during the reading of the Gospel to the monk. Lord, have mercy among the snares of the cunning. During Great Compline on February 11, the ethereal robbers attacked me in a different way: they aroused in me a strong hostility towards the peasant reader: I don’t like both his voice and his reprimand, as if he were whiny, and why did the sexton yield the reading to him; I was in a desperate situation, lost my way in the final prayer and began to repent and beg the Lord for deliverance from temptation and to have mercy on me, justified the reader and tried to love him as simple and diligent and speaking clearly, without stuttering, and thank God - the Lord had mercy, delivered me from the deadly breath of Belial and gave me peace, freedom, strength, boldness, and for the first time I read the entire prayer without hesitation. Oh, dreams, dreams of the enemy, sinful! When will I get rid of them?! All passions are a devilish, deadly dream. The devil also embarrassed me with the ends of the dirty sleeves of my shirt - he didn’t know what to do with them, where to hide them! What a stupid joke of the enemy! But for me it’s just anxiety, death! This is vanity. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to confess and partake of the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving way, in victory over the hordes of demons; I read the pulpit loudly, expressively, and also the prayers for confession. In the evening there were two hundred and thirty-seven confessors, who confessed with extreme difficulty due to incessant stumbling from demons and the most cruel insults. At ten o'clock in the evening I confessed to the Simansky family in the apartment, with extreme difficulty I said prayers and confessed and read the prayer of permission, or rather, I did not read or did not pronounce it, for my heart was bound, paralyzed, dead. Two things tempted me during confession: money and prominent people of this world - beautiful, rich or noble in the world, self-interest, beauty and worldly nobility and wealth. Meanwhile, repentance is the judgment of God for everyone, equal. Have mercy on me, Lord, who has sinned greatly. Every time I, without being tied down or embarrassed by the quality of the faces of those confessing, spoke freely, calmly, with authority, I felt at ease and became animated, but whenever I was embarrassed by well-known faces, beautiful or noble and rich, I was wounded and dumbfounded. The Lord alone is for me every good - life, peace, light, strength, food, drink, beauty, sweetness, holiness, truth and deliverance. Where is the love for immortal souls and, above all, for your own soul? Where is the selfless love of the shepherds for the verbal sheep? Where is the pain about their mental and physical ailments, their sorrows, troubles, deprivations, about their death? Carnal, selfish, false, devilish love destroyed the holy fire in the hearts. God! Correct our hearts and turn them to Your love! Grant us constant tears for our infidelities, for our passions. Grant us the holy fire of spiritual, heavenly love. Amen. A constant obstacle, a stumbling block on the path to salvation and love for God, for the saints and for our neighbors, is my many-passionate flesh, my friendship for it, my false love for it; I should have crucified her long ago, put her to death with passions and lusts, but I revived and revive her, her passions with constant carnality in food and drink, in clothing, in peace, bliss, honor, covetousness and in all carnal and love of things, and I made my soul a slave to corruptible flesh, subjugating my mistress to a low slave, corruptible, insignificant. Evening. Saturday. I offer my sincere thanks to the Most Merciful and All-Powerful for the extraordinary help I received, weak and overwhelmed by fierce demonic temptations, during Matins in the cathedral (I was the next one in the service all week), especially during the pronunciation of the great litany, which I spoke with the help of God with boldness, overcoming fears and demonic violence, loudly, slowly; I thank you for overcoming all temptations during Matins and early mass; I thank you for the tears of tenderness and warm, even hot feelings during the reading of the canon and the service of the liturgy, especially the liturgy of the faithful, and for the non-judgmental communion of the Holy Mysteries and the people of the Lord up to six hundred people (in two hands: me and Father Peter). In the gymnasium it was difficult to sit in class (being tired and having little sleep at night). At home I fell asleep from four and a half hours until seven in the evening and had a great rest and regained my strength. At eight o'clock in the evening there is a prayer service with Zakharia Ivanovich Sidorov, a tanner; temptation during a prayer service: the secret curse of the devil in my heart and in my mind and heart to the female sex; secret tearful prayer for deliverance, driving away all that is bad, peace of mind by the grace of God; the devil does not allow him to speak the cry: For thou art merciful and a lover of mankind; my effort and victory over the evil one; joy of heart and peace of mind as a result of victory over the serpent, then free service. Conversations: reading about the Antichrist; a well-intentioned and rich treat from Zakharia and Olga (daughter Masha’s birthday). Severe rheumatism in my right hand, thank God, went away from the feats of fasting and fasting and communion of the Holy Mysteries: for my sins I had difficulty controlling my right hand, which was as if bruised or shell-shocked. Tomorrow, February 14, to give communion and honor to Maria Ermolaevna Estafieva after early mass; in the evening at seven o'clock to be baptized by a customs official. To go to Paraskeva Davidovna Vasilyeva: she was at my place and didn’t find me at home, she wanted to serve a prayer service. Resurrection. Week of Orthodoxy. I thank the Lord with all my heart for deliverance from the poisonous, deadening wiles of the devil, especially during the reading of Degtev the Peasant (a zealous Christian), and for his help during the service of my Matins and Liturgy, and for my tears of tenderness. During the liturgy and at the end of Matins, the adversary violently attacked me because of the girl; Only with tears of repentance could I extinguish the delusion in my heart during mass and embrace the love of God and the greatness and holiness of the Sacrament, but during the prayer behind the pulpit, the adversary again seduced me through the intrusive memory of it, confused, embarrassed, stifled, and killed my heart! What's worse! After this, be seduced by every pretty girl! He didn’t say the entire release and calmly, he didn’t finish the pulpit. A priest in a church during divine services is the highest God-appointed criterion of human conscience: he judges everyone, and he himself is judged by God. Therefore, he must look at everyone clearly, openly, fatherly and at the same time with authority, like a priest of God, a shepherd and a judge, and not be ashamed of anyone, not blush and not lose his title, maintain calm and self-control, leaving the judgment of his sins to the only God. Perfect love casts out fear [1 John 4:18]. Why do you experience demonic fear? – From a lack of love for God, from one’s sins, from worldly addictions in the heart. Ten and a half o'clock in the morning. Friday of the First Week of Lent. Ugh! How the adversary killed me through a casual glance at female nudity! What a hellish poison, burning, deadening, darkening, suppressing, shaming! How long it took to repent, pray, fall before God both at home and in church! May no sin touch my heart from now on! The Lord granted me great mercy for my whole-hearted repentance! Monday of the Second Week of Lent. I urgently must take care of the acquisition of active wisdom, the goal of which is victory over sin, which conquers and mortifies us, and the participation in the eternal wealth of virtue, holiness and truth, or the participation of God and eternal life, for which we were created from Him: Thou hast given, it is said, a wealth to those who fear Thee (Himself), Lord 122. The apostles, prophets, hierarchs, martyrs, saints, holy fools for Christ's sake, these wondrous sages in the world, who, under the guise of foolishness, hid within themselves Divine wisdom, tried to acquire such wisdom and acquired it. Go: everything is ready. Are you going to heaven to receive an eternal inheritance? After all, everything is ready. At Filippovich’s christening, I was in a desperate struggle with invisible evil demons and almost completely stopped reading prayers. The reason is sin, it plunged me into powerlessness, and even eating fish pie, strengthening my stomach, rainy weather, sleeping until lunch - all this relaxed my soul. Another reason is the devil’s war against me for preaching the word of God in the church. At Machigin’s christening, I was also in a desperate struggle because of the faces of strangers, whom I was embarrassed by, and because of the scarf with which the invisible dreamer terribly embarrassed me, teaching the entire human race about vanity and killing human souls with vanity. Baron Grothus also has a christening at the customs, reading prayers is not without struggle, but it is much easier there: I read almost all the prayers, except for one or two, and litanies with exclamations and dismissals. Tuesday. I thank the Lady Most Holy Theotokos, who mercifully and quickly heard my heartfelt, repentant and prayerful cry from the prodigal demon who had a strong cold against me at four o’clock in the evening and who delivered me from thoughts and feelings of vain and nasty things and who pacified my heart. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to easily and without stumbling, without hindrance, perform the Sacrament of Baptism in the apartment of M. T. Verzin. Your destiny, man, is great, all-blessed: after the feats of cleansing from sin and after sanctification by the grace of the Holy Spirit, you have the opportunity to inherit the future life in God and with God, to partake of His shrine, His ineffable bliss, His ineffable beauty and sweetness, to take the place of the fallen angels. Do not forget your purpose and strive with all your might to defeat sin and achieve truth and holiness in your heart and in your whole life; and encourage others to do the same, and God is ready to help you. Help, Lord Lord! Ten o'clock in the morning. I thank the Lord for the great mercy shown to me during Matins in reviving me with grace and in high spiritual tenderness and enjoyment of the Divine service (at the altar of the Intercession Church I had abundant tears of tenderness). How good it is to be with God and to be justified by His grace! But how painfully, how deadly every thought and concern about anything earthly affects the soul during divine services. Especially about what is not a necessary need, but an excess and a whim! So, in God is the peace of our souls, in His imperishable sweetness and beauty! He is the life treasure of our soul! I thank with all my heart my Lord Jesus Christ, whom I called with all my soul, for deliverance in the gymnasium in the eighth grade from the choking poison of sin, which I became infected with through the action and trapping of the evil one and through my passion in the teacher’s meeting room while looking at the coffee table book “Historical Messenger” with the image of a very beautiful high-society woman with her breasts bare. But since the trace of sin still partially remained during the class and I did not have time to completely get rid of it, I prayed with all my soul at the end of the lesson, and the Lord completely cleared me of it. I thank the Lord for two prayer services, performed freely and without hesitation in Klimov’s house and in Semenov’s house on the tower of Andrei Petrovich and Ksenia Grigorievna. And then there was a temptation that I defeated by calling on the name of the Lord. Do you always, with sincere faith and zeal, with boldness and love, resort to the Lady and Mother of grace - to the Most Pure Mother of God in all circumstances of life, joyful and sad, especially in sinful misfortune, in a storm of passions, in grave temptations? The greatest loss for you is if you have not learned and become confident, have not become accustomed to resort with hope, confidence, humility and gratitude in all sorrows and joys to the Mother of the Belly, to this abyss of mercy and generosity, the ready cover and intercession of repentant sinners. When I resort [to Her] with faith and diligence, I am always saved and find help against temptations. Oh, look more often, Christian, at the bright maternal face of the Most Blessed One and learn and be saved. Behold your mother [John 19:27]. Wednesday. Lord, I thank You for the rich, quick, life-giving, joyful mercies poured out on me this day, the rich, quick, life-giving, joyful ones during Matins, then upon leaving the gymnasium after the director’s remark about the frequent departure of sixth-grade students, during the christening in Smirnov’s house near the shooting range, and especially before council time in the gymnasium (at seven o’clock in the evening), when I was displeased and indignant with the director for his harsh behavior. speeches and was suppressed by invisible enemies, and through the secret prayer of repentance he was delivered by the grace of Christ from sin, sorrow and oppression, calmed down, expanded, rejoiced and triumphed in his heart and came to the council as a completely changed person for the better, blessed with grace. Otherwise, earlier I didn’t want to go out of displeasure, despondency and melancholy. Morning. I thank the Lord, who showed me His mercy during Matins in delivering me from the weakness of the heart due to yesterday’s gluttony and satiety and drinking wine (I repent of this) and in granting me the heartfelt reading and singing of the canon with stichera. After morning sleep (from eight o'clock to nine), my heart again became extremely relaxed, in which sinful impulses and confusion appeared with tightness, as a result of which at Nikolai's lity Al. Machigina and during the rite of communion to Euphemia Rebrova (in the sixth wing) he became extremely weakened in heart, was confused, paralyzed in mind, heart and will, could not utter many words and prayer appeals, prayers of permission and dismissal. As a result, new tightness, embarrassment and shame. In this state, I went to the Assumption Church for the Holy Gifts and there I diligently fell to the Holy Throne with repentance and prayer for deliverance from sins and violence and torment of invisible enemies, and the Lord soon heard me, heeding the prayer of faith and hope, and delivered me from spiritual death, oppression, embarrassment, shame and powerlessness. I thank the wonderful Lord in His mercy and power. Evening. God! I thank You for the miracle of deliverance from the grave consequences of gluttony and satiety (deadness of the heart) and from anger, crampedness and sorrow over irritation in the third grade of the gymnasium with the student Tikhonov for his prank and for the disobedience and stubbornness he showed at my order to kneel. Upon leaving the class, going home, I secretly repented and prayed with all my heart to the Lord, and the Lord soon heard the cry of my heart, heeded my repentance and had mercy on me, giving me peace and space, light, strength, boldness, and spiritual triumph. Five o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for His mercy, my Lord, manifested in me, after singing with the sexton Adrian a prayer to the Mother of God and all the saints, during which Adrian interrupted me, and I interrupted him: he with an unnecessary insertion of Saints Nicholas and Saint Alexander Nevsky, and I continued according to the book... I was indignant - and was embarrassed and hurt by the action of the enemy, but I repented and was pardoned and pacified. Glory to the Lord! Friday. I thank and glorify the Lord with unworthy lips and heart, who saved me twice yesterday from the deadening creeps of uncleanness before the memorial service for Georgiy Vasilyevich Tomasov, which took place at seven o’clock in the evening, and who killed the unclean serpent within me. Thank you for delivering me from bad thoughts and demonic violence during the prayer service in Arkhip Vasilyevich’s apartment in the Duma. Glory to the mercy, holiness and power of the Lord, who delivered me from the drowning of sin, cleansing all my iniquity, freeing me from passions, giving me His truth, freedom and peace! This is what He did with me before and during the memorial service in Mr. Tomasov’s apartment, and this is what He did with me at home after lunch on February 19 (Friday). Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord for the greatest miracle of salvation from the passions and machinations of the devil that struck my soul during the memorial service for Georgy Vasilyevich Tomasov in the training crew church. This miracle of salvation was tantamount to resurrection from the dead, for my soul was dead - and came to life. The Lord accomplished salvation in me through my strong cry of repentance after the funeral service, when I went home and walked between the dock bridge and the navigation bridge (because of Nadezhda Efimovna Efimova [...]). Morning. I was extremely upset because of the beggars, especially because of the girls, to whom I gave alms (two and a half kopecks each) and who followed me everywhere even after that, although I deliberately left them, wanting to secretly pray in private; then forty poor adults came to me, asking for alms, and I, already irritated by the persistent poor girls, became irritated with the adults, sending them to the rich people of the city; in the end, I, completely broken morally, came home and, burning in the fire of hell, began with a tearful prayer in repentance to the Lord and then to the Mother of God (in the prayer room - the Kazan icon and in the entrance - the Tikhvin icon), and glory to God and the Mother of God: my tearful prayer was not rejected, I was delivered, pardoned, healed, forgiven by the great and rich mercy of the Lord, the Source of judgment and mercy. Triumphing my deliverance, I glorify the immeasurable goodness of my Lord, which is not overcome by my malice and countless other sins. After lunch. I thank the Lord for His greatest mercies to me on this day: firstly, for deliverance from the tightness over the dissatisfaction of the poor and grief towards them before the liturgy in the church of the training crew; Arriving on a sled to the training crew, I walked along the panel and repented, repented and asked for mercy - and received it; He served mass quite calmly, received life-giving communion and consumed the Holy Gifts in the same way. Going out to the funeral service, at first I did not pay attention to the audience until the second exclamation, then I paid attention and saw the governor’s sister, whose autocracy I had previously heard, and I became embittered at her through the influence of evil power and my passion, became embarrassed, lost my presence of mind, was wounded, mortified, and exhausted. I thought about it: what does it look like to apply your own evil to the evil of your neighbor? May I overcome evil with good [Rom.12:21], by the prayer of love for the sinner, for who is without sin [John 8:7]? Otherwise, to become embittered, to despise – what an absurdity, and so deadly! He repented from the bottom of his heart for the absurdity of his heart, and the Lord sent His salvation. After the all-night vigil in the cathedral. I thank the Lord, who accepted my prayer before the all-night vigil for stumbling-free, fearless, sincere, peaceful service. Although at the beginning and in the middle of the service my heart was dry and lifeless and I was extremely sleepy, but while reading the Gospel the Lord warmed and pacified it and enabled me to read it clearly, loudly, calmly, with an abundance of hope and courage against the insolence of the demons (they embarrassed me, only at the very end I weakened a little - it was my own fault). The relationship of the science of worship to other sciences, its benefits. The Lord Jesus Christ in Himself immortalized and deified our flesh, showing us eternal incorruption and immortal life after the exploits of this life. Resurrection. I thank the Lord for the merciful, repeated deliverance from sorrow and oppression and the enemy’s machinations before mass and especially during mass, for tears of tenderness, for deliverance from coldness and dryness, lifelessness, insensitivity of the heart, for the gift of words (teachings) to people. When performing the Sacrament of Baptism at Glyasfeldt, it was very difficult for me to say prayers due to the extremely intolerable opposition of invisible adversaries due to my addiction to a rag called a scarf. Alas for me! Because of this decay, my heart was not with God, but with decay, not with the baby, this child of God, but with a soulless insignificant thing. That's why it was dead! At the memorial service for God's servant Daniel Isaac, I stole the release without uttering the words out loud: Christ, our true God, possessed the living and the dead, through the prayers of His Most Pure Mother, the glorious and all-praised Apostle saints, our reverend and God-bearing fathers and all the saints, the soul of His departed servant Daniel from us, but only the words: in the villages of the righteous will do, in the depths of Abraham he will rest, and so on, did not speak out of vain fear of demons, did not confess the Lord, who possesses the living and the dead, did not loudly mention our all-powerful Intercessor and Prayer Book, the Representative for all Christians, the Most Pure Virgin Mother of God, our prayer books and representatives - the apostles, martyrs, saints and God-bearing fathers and all the saints worthy of prayer which are supported by our unworthy, cold, selfish prayers, and therefore I lost grace, peace, boldness, freedom and fell into sorrow, melancholy and tightness of heart, into darkness, shame and torment, and only through intense and long secret repentance did I ask the Lord for forgiveness, peace, boldness, freedom. Oh, grant me, Lord, always with boldness to confess Your holy, sweetest, most peaceful, life-giving name and with humility and hope, to unfailingly remember the all-powerful and all-good Prayer Book and Representative of our Most Pure Mother of God and all the saints. And yesterday at mass, out of false fear, I did not publicly remember the Mother of God and the saints at the dismissal of the liturgy, for the devil always presents me with something absurd at this time, for example, fierce memories of sin, and confuses, overthrows, kills my spirit and I become dumb, while I should not listen to his dreams, trust in the Lord, in His mercy, calmly continue the work of prayer and public worship or end it. Forgive me also for the sin that I ran away from the beggar who was running after me, saying to myself: I will give to everyone in due time, at three o’clock, but I don’t want to give in every place and at every time, since there are too many of them. Five and a half o'clock in the evening. I will remember the new and great mercies of the Lord towards me, now revealed after the prayer of repentance in delivering me from the fierce temptations of the devil: once during the Sacrament of Baptism in the house of Dvoeglazov (illegitimate baby) and, secondly, upon coming home in my study and chapel after my long and most convincing prayer and repentance for my addiction to beautiful decay (a silk scarf), to money (he was sorry to give to the beggars), in hardness of heart, anger and rage, stinginess, cruelty (he tore out the beggar’s hair). My invincible mercy, Lord, glory to Thee! Other baptismal scarves sting me terribly. Do not hang them in font rings. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace during the memorial service (for Daniel Isaac) to sincerely see my sins and condemn myself and ask for forgiveness, mercy and peace. And before that, there was something obstinate in my heart regarding the rector, Father Paul, who was serving with me. Why do we work for the devil and his all-nasty, all-evil and all-evil army? Did he, the unclean one, create us, nourish us, educate us, and grow us? Has he given us even an iota, a drop, a speck of dust, of the gifts that we use every day? Does he enlighten us with light, material, perishable and immaterial, spiritual, incorruptible and eternal? Is it the air we breathe? Has he given us any organ for acting or perceiving the gifts of life that are so generously poured out on us every day and every minute? Does he, the evil one, the unclean one, the greatest sinner, cleanse our iniquities and heal all our ailments? Does he give peace and mercy to our souls, freedom, space, joy to our hearts? Did he incarnate, live with people on earth, benefiting them in every possible way, performing countless miracles, for the good of people suffered and died for us on the cross and rose with glory and appeared for forty days, assuring his chosen ones of a new after-resurrection spiritual life, and ascended into heaven and sat down at the right hand of God the Father, in no way parting with the believers, but remaining relentlessly and crying out to those who love Him: Am I with you and no one else is with you? 123 Oh, all this was done by one Lord Jesus Christ by the good will of God the Father by the grace of the Holy Spirit. We will work for Him with all our hearts, with all our zeal, to love Him fervently, to observe His commandments firmly and to resist all sin with all our might, calling upon Him unceasingly for help, and we will hate the devil with all our hatred, as the most terrible evil, wickedness, corruption, defilement, perversion, lewdness, as the abyss of all evil. You sweep away dirty linen from your hut every day - why don’t you sweep away the sinful rubbish from your soul every time you sin? After all, if you leave the church of the soul unswept for many days, months, especially years, then, perhaps, you will not be able to rob at all, you will not be able to sweep away this most malignant, sticky, corrosive, penetrating the entire soul and body, infecting and killing rubbish! Sweep away your spiritual debris more often with sincere, unfeigned repentance. In the same way, you cleanse the air in your home every day, drive out the spoiled, corrupted air, and let in fresh air - do the same with your soul: its moral atmosphere is constantly spoiled by sinful thoughts, wishes, habits, dreams, inclinations, intentions, passions, words and actions; cleanse it diligently every day and hour with secret repentant prayers, sighs, tears, reading soul-helping books, especially the Gospel, thinking about God, singing and spiritual songs, almsgiving and generally acts of love for mankind, and do not allow it to become bogged down, drowned, ossified, or die in sins. By saving, save your soul. What does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul? [Matthew 16:26]. Ten and a half o'clock in the evening. I thank You, Lord, for Your inscrutable goodness, which was astonishing in me: once at a meeting of trustees, when in the crampedness of sin I cried out to You (I drove away with anger the beggars who were chasing me after giving alms), the second time, when I walked from Evl. Peter, and Olga Afanasyevna and I came across a young peasant from the Vologda province who asked me for money (I was angry with him for vagrancy and wastefulness and unemployment), for the third time at home after I grumbled at my wife for not caring about maintaining clean air in my room. I thank the Lord, who had mercy on me for my repentance and cleared away the deadly gloating and malice regarding the newspaper news about the attack on the life of the Queen of England. Oh, what disrespect and contempt for the supreme power, for the reigning person! Humble yourself, my soul, and reverence the anointed ones. Have mercy on me, the King of kings, who has granted power to them. Because of the son of the Onega former priest Nikolai Alekseev, today I was terribly tempted: he often began to come to me for money under various pretexts; I gave before, but today, with annoyance and anger, I sent him out of the yard (I asked for one ruble and twenty kopecks for stamps), and therefore I myself was hellishly wounded, embarrassed, fell into cramped conditions, death. Only intense, repeated prayer of repentance saved me from hellish cramped conditions. Thank the Lord! During the hours and the Presanctified Mass, which was celebrated together, I felt extremely difficult from the enemy’s attacks, from his anger, cutting into my soul, especially towards the face of the rector, whose indifference, dispassion, coldness, sedate or proud importance and calm self-control aroused in me both envy and bitterness, which consumed and suppressed my soul in those moments when these passions acted in me, because I immediately tried to get rid of them through repentance. Oh Lord! Teach me sincere goodwill towards every person and respect for the person of man, especially the sacred one, bearing the image of You, the eternal High Priest. When we sincerely wish goodness for another, we wish it for ourselves, just as when we do goodness for another, we do it for ourselves. I thank the Lord for the Presanctified Mass on February 11, which was accomplished without stumbling, victoriously by the grace of God. Ten o'clock, February 21. I thank the Lord for the glorious salvation accomplished in me by His mercy and power on my way from Zaboev’s house from the prayer service (where the young maiden was), during which I crawled with my unclean thoughts and heart. The Lord accepted my repentance and prayer and delivered me from the swift, deadly stream of prodigal things in my heart. With Basil the Great and all the saints, I hope that the invincible mercy of God will overcome the immensity of my evils, deliver me from all sin and save me into His Heavenly Kingdom, as the holy Apostle writes [2 Timothy 4:18]. God bless! Every day and repeatedly I experienced the invincible mercy of God, not overcome by any malice, impurity, or deceit of mine, when I sincerely repented of them and asked for mercy from the Lord of my life. Glory to Thee, our hope, Christ God! Perfect love casts out fear [1 John 4:18]. Why do you experience demonic fear? – From imperfect love or from a lack of love for God and neighbor due to passions nesting in the heart, due to various idols that the heart idolizes. Ardent love for God drives out and burns up all worldly, unclean love. Have, try to have ardent, great love for God. Remember often how He loved you and what He has done for you and is constantly doing. Does the devil nourish you, give you sleep, or revive you or anyone else? Every good gift [...] comes from God [James 1:17]. I thank the Lord for the great and glorious salvation and revival after a long time of falling before the holy throne during Matins with repentance and supplication. Today the poor priest's son Alekseev (from Onega) was refused one ruble and thirty kopecks for a metric certificate (for sending home), although I finally promised to reluctantly give him what he asked for. He has already received alms from me several times. My own hard-heartedness and stinginess with anger and zeal were painful for me. And besides, yesterday at Isakov’s wake I enjoyed myself a lot, which is why my heart became more rude and cruel. I thank the Lord, who softens my hard heart with sorrows and punishments. After being pardoned by God's grace, I read and sang loudly in the choir with the greatest zeal and animation. Evening. I thank the Lord, who reflected carnal, painful, poisonous, deadly love from my heart and revived me with His grace, His truth, His love upon my arrival home from the Slavinskys, with whom I served a prayer service on the occasion of Porfiry Nikolaevich’s name day. It was at seven o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who gave me prayer from the Markovs and edifying reading from the book “The Voice of God to the Sinner” at eight and nine o’clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who now (ten o’clock in the evening) has delivered me through the prayer of faith and repentance from the poisonous, carnal and painful sweetness, scorching, and who has again miraculously revived me with the grace of His Holy Spirit. How good and delightful, how wonderful it is to be with God! How powerful God is in transforming our hearts for the good, in victory over the nasty, all-evil, all-evil enemies of our salvation! Glory to the speed and invincible power and goodness of God in having mercy on sinners! I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy in the world to celebrate the Divine Liturgy together with tearful tenderness during the celebration of the Sacrament and to partake of the life-giving, most pure, most heavenly, terrible Mysteries. At home, at the end of dinner, a major quarrel arose with his wife because of her attacks on the kind, faithful, hardworking, pious servant Evdokia. My wicked wife’s pickiness towards the servants increased to the extreme; at every moment she was ready to scold her for nothing; I accused her of injustice and malice, and she became more embittered both at me and at her and definitely wanted to drive her away. Where can you find a good servant now? God! I entrust myself, my wife, and my servant to you. Lady! I entrust myself to You, and my wife, and I, Your servant, do with us according to Your all-good and wise and righteous sovereignty, O Lord, and You, the Mistress of creatures. I am Your servant, Lord, and Yours, Lady! Amen. I thank the Lord, who for the prayer of tearful repentance stopped the severity and mortality of my temptation, which was over a quarrel with my wife. Glory to You, God, save, God, invincible in mercy! God, gracious, gracious and beneficial! Let me not forget to overcome evil with good [Rom.12:21]. Three o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who had mercy and revived me, who secretly prayed and repented of falling away from love during a quarrel with my wife. The Lord again accomplished the victory of His mercy over our sins and did not allow the enemy of our salvation to tear the body into pieces, that is, to separate husband from wife and wife from husband by mutual enmity. God! Act with all the power of Your grace on my wife, as I prayed to You. Like the Cherubim secretly form... How do we form 124 Cherubim? Firstly, by singing their sacred song Alleluia and, secondly, by the fact that, like them, we lift up the Lord of glory and carry within us through communion Him, who bears all things by the word of His power [Heb. 1:3]. That is why we must put aside all worldly cares in order to love Him with all the fullness of our hearts, with fiery love, as the Cherubim love. At the Kasatkins’ house, when I walked and repented before the Lord, He performed a miracle of salvation in me from hellish cramped conditions and malice. Glory to the Lord! Then, before Vespers, when I was walking along the panel in the church house and also prayed to the Lord for mercy, being in the crampedness of sin, I again received great mercy: instead of crampedness - space, instead of confusion - peace; Then, in the cathedral in the Intercession chapel, before confession, he again received the mercy of God and confessed calmly and said the prayer of permission without difficulty. Even at Captain Boyle’s (in the fourth wing), during the all-night vigil, the Lord mercifully bowed to my secret prayer and delivered me from the extremely arrogant, unclean machinations of the devil, but again the devil won during the naming of the Lady and all the saints at the Great and Small Litanies. At the end of the water-blessing prayer, the enemy broke me, faint-hearted, when I missed the words in prayer: not frightening us with a ghost. He ended vaguely, without uttering the dismissal, which is so necessary, like omega after alpha and other letters of the alphabet, for it mentions the Head of the Church, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the members of His body - the saints of the heavenly Church and the members of the earthly Church, that is, about us, who are pardoned and saved by Christ the Savior through the prayers of the heavenly Church. Then, leaving Boyle in confusion and cramped conditions and paralyzed in my soul, I walked and earnestly repented all the way and, on the eve of the cathedral dead end, also stopped to pray. Finally, the Lord delivered us from the tightness of hell. Having arrived home, I found my wife not ready for peace, and again fell into confusion, and again began to pray for mutual forgiveness, and again the Lord heard and the Lady of the All-Merciful Mother of God heard, and I calmed down. Then he went out for a walk and read the prayers to himself for communion, both the prayers of light and the prayers of repentance, and again he was granted peace and mercy. Saturday. I thank the Lord for the gift of reconciliation with my wife after painful mutual enmity. I thank the Lord for the tears of tenderness during the celebration of the suburban cathedral funeral liturgy for Nikolai M. Semenov and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. After mass, bodily fatigue, tendency to sleep; one lesson in the gymnasium, the ignorant and impudent cry of the director for missing a lesson, my bold answer to him. Lunch at Semenov's after class, fatigue, evening sleep at home, refreshment, encouragement. God bless! (The sting of my precious pectoral cross during censing, confusion and deadening of the heart from the stupidest addiction; repentance, reconciliation.) Evening. Saturday. Eleven o'clock. I thank You, Lord Jesus Christ, my God, who thrice healed the wounds of my soul, which sinned before You, firstly, by hardness of heart, severity towards some poor people, secondly, by lying to my wife in the amount of money and, thirdly, by a lustful thought (at the eleventh hour); Through the prayer of repentance with the invocation of the sweetest name of the Lord Jesus Christ, I soon felt blissful wholeness in my soul and sweet peace, life-giving spaciousness, the sweet stream of God’s life, lightness and boldness. Resurrection. Worship of the Cross. I thank the Lord for His ten wonderful salvations, revealed in my weakness during the temptations of the evil Belial during the all-night vigil and liturgy, especially after the water-blessing prayer service ordered by the Berzins at the end of the funeral service. I really didn’t want to serve this prayer service in view of the prayer service in [V...] street, and I could not break the satanic stubbornness and stubbornness of my heart. He served reluctantly, constrainedly, under strong demonic opposition, with absences (he did not read the Blessing of Water Prayer); and served, and ended up faulty, embarrassed and in cramped conditions. But before consuming the Holy Gifts, I begged the Lord with infinite goodness to forgive me my sin and have mercy on me, and He forgave, granting me forgiveness and peace. I received the Holy Mysteries life-giving, victoriously, read the pulpit well and left. Evening. I thank the Lord, who granted me victory over ethereal enemies when I performed prayers in the Kudryavtsevsky outbuilding and at Evdokia Leontyeva’s in Grigoriev’s house. I thank the Lord, who solemnly and graciously delivered me from the oppression and melancholy of sin upon my arrival home and through my secret prayer in the living room, kneeling before the icon. Soon the Lord granted me all-joyful, peaceful and extensive salvation in His name. God bless! (And Janish felt sorrow and grief.) From the follow-up to the Great Blessing of Water. Yuzhe (Church Slav.) – which. Testimony (Church Glav.) – revelation, testimony, commandment. Retribution (church glory) - bribe, reward for work. Great Prokeimenon, tone 8; Ps.60:6. Kontakion for the Feast of the Ascension, tone 6. Obrazovat (Church Glav.) – to depict.