Апрель 1879 г.

Easter. Today, before and during late mass, I, by the grace of God, endured a terribly persistent struggle with invisible enemies who were dragging me to their destruction because of my gluttony and satiety on the eve of the holiday at the funeral of the late Marya Arsenyevna. And because of what empty pretext they attacked me and ate me to the bone! - due to the fact that our rector, Father Navel, against custom, appointed to serve mass on Easter not in the Intercession chapel, where the image of the resurrection is in the altar, but in the Peter and Paul chapel, where the image of the Transfiguration, that is, evil spirits put evil disobedience in my heart, inflamed me, oppressed, confused, tormented me terribly, depriving me of freedom, peace, boldness, words, light and spreading out in me great darkness; I was in their clutches as a prisoner before reading the Gospel, and then, for my great repentance and tears, the Lord had mercy on me and delivered me from them. Then I served the entire mass with tears and warmth, without stumbling, and received Holy Communion in a life-giving way. Oh, how many times did the Lord deliver me from death and renew me, but with my sins, passions, and bad habits I always fell into death and corruption! How many miracles of God’s mercy and power are above me and in me! How long-suffering! O Sweetest Jesus, my great Savior, have mercy on me! But again, how much and what excesses in food and drink I made during the house-to-house worship! Today all the members feel like they are not their own, all the members are cracking! O I, unworthy scoundrel! Firstly, the money of parishioners is not the money of the brethren, but their property; secondly, I got them for the poor, and not for the brethren, otherwise I would not have gotten them and would not have gone to collect them; thirdly, I worked the whole day and, moreover, in addition to how much the other brothers worked, and for my work I should receive more, according to the Scripture: everyone will receive their reward according to their work [1 Cor. 3:8]; fourthly, preaching Christ to people, to his parishioners, and receiving from them tuna 32 bribes, just as 33 the poor are remembered [Gal.2:10]; fifthly, what is given to the poor is returned not only to me, but also to the brethren with profit, according to the Scripture: with the measure you use, it will be measured to you [Matthew 7:2]; sixthly, the Lord is my witness that everything gained by my labors through the cross of the Lord becomes the property of the poor, and not mine; seventhly, what is passed on for the benefit of the brethren is always much more than what other archpriests and priests from the same parts pass on, from which I always pass on more. Therefore, my work deserves nothing other than praise for labor, prudence, zeal and zeal. When serving God, let me not be ashamed or afraid of any of the people, for God alone must be feared and ashamed, and people are worms crawling in the dust, no matter who they are. Easter – Christ the Redeemer 34. The Lord protects your right hand... The Lord will protect you... The Lord will protect your coming in and your going out from now on and forever [Ps. 121:5-8]. The Angel of the Lord will encamp around those who fear Him and will deliver them [Ps.33:8]. Thursday of Holy Week. On Wednesday yesterday I served a cathedral mass in the Assumption Church on the occasion of the church feast, I served with extreme relaxation of body and soul after three days of severe diarrhea after Easter incontinence on the first day and with the impoverishment of God's grace; I felt that the enemy took possession of my heart, nesting in the depths of it and depriving me of a reverent feeling, as well as feelings of love for God and my neighbors, did not allow me to pronounce many words and names, leaving me in the shame of moral powerlessness; There was great leprosy in my soul, only after communion I was revived by the almighty power of Christ. He spoke a short word, and on vacation he was embarrassed by the motley audience! I'm a fool for this! In general, the extreme powerlessness of the heart was due to former gluttony and satiety with modest food and drinking drinks. I thank the Lord, who has pardoned me three times today with the greatest mercy: once on the occasion of my loud curse of the St. Petersburg chamber, which groundlessly, in vain, assigned many (20 thousand) townspeople to Kronstadt; I wished her to sink into the ground for giving Kronstadt idle people; another time and a third time the Lord had mercy on me when I, wounded by evil suspicion of the abbot and pressed inside and scorched by hellish fire, brought sincere repentance to the Lord for my suspicion and soon received peace, coolness and freedom with boldness. Glory to the Lord! Friday. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with the abyss of His generosity in pardoning me, a damned, much-sinned person, and my sin was that, having met with the abbot, who said that his side hurt, I did not believe him, thinking that he was pretending and did not want to go with the procession near Gostiny Dvor, and was sending me in his place; I even felt slightly indignant at him for evading, and in the future, I think, he will also evade. For this evil suspicion I was punished with embarrassment, cramped conditions, darkness, deprivation of spiritual freedom, powerlessness, and inner shame. I immediately turned to repentance in the altar of the Intercession chapel, kneeling and with tears begging the Lord for mercy, sincerely condemning myself, and soon the grace of God revived me, pacifying, comforting, enlightening, delighting me, strengthening my weakened spirit, encouraging me, expanding my heart. I glorify my many-merciful and merciful, gracious and beneficent Lord Jesus Christ. Damn man I am! I didn’t even learn the Christian alphabet: daily abstinence in food and drink, contempt for carnal pleasures, meekness, gentleness, chastity. And that is why I am possessed by easily invisible enemies and unclean thoughts, choking passions! Alas for me, carnivore and sensualist! Yesterday I accidentally served mass in the Epiphany Cathedral Church and was extremely aggravated by the violence of unclean passions, which suppressed me, caused me loss of spirit and fear. Only the communion of the Holy Mysteries saved me from them, and even then not for long. Carnal lust and demonic fear haunted me until about three in the afternoon before the end of the wake outside the city. Is the Lord God only for the simple, and not God also for all the noble and rich, learned and powerful of this world, although they often forget Him? To her, and for these, as well as for those! Or are you a priest of God only for the simple, and not for the noble? To her, and for nobles, even for kings, for the priesthood of Christ is a royal priesthood, making everyone kings and priests to our God and Father. I thank the Lord, who today, during Matins, delivered me many times from the passion of evil suspicion regarding the serving rector, Father Paul, and who gave me space instead of cramped space, instead of confusion, peace of mind, instead of discouragement, boldness. I repented with tears, on my knees in the Pokrovsky chapel. How long will sin of every kind deceive me and entice me? Anti-Easter. I thank the Lord, who does not leave me, a great sinner, with His quick and great mercy; and yesterday He delivered me many times from my spiritual troubles - confusion, tightness and sorrow and gave me peace, space and freedom after I fell in repentance at the throne of His grace. So the enemy plunged me into despair and extreme distress on the occasion of the accidental dropping of a particle of the Holy Mysteries, which was offered to a sick girl in Petrova’s house and picked up immediately (the place was washed and wiped with a towel), but the Lord delivered me from being swallowed up by his hated lips, the devil. Then several times I became irritated with the beggars and scolded them, for which I was punished by God with hardship and sorrow, but after repentance with all my heart I [was awarded] each time with mercy, renewal, peace, boldness, especially before and during the all-night vigil for today (Fomino's Resurrection). Glory to His bounties. When reading the Gospel, I missed the words, due to the action of the devil: keep them all as often as you have commanded [Matthew 28:20], which is why I grieved greatly and was forgiven for repentance. I did not pronounce the last words of the prayer to Christ, Light... to do Thy commandments by occupation from the enemy, which is why again the courage of the devil is in me, and on my part again repentance, falling to the holy throne, and again the feeling of Divine power in myself! God bless! I come to incorruptible life today 35 by the grace of my Savior, who conquered death and hell, who destroyed and rose from the dead and raised everything with Himself - therefore, let me leave everything that is corruptible, sinful, and let me strive for holiness, truth, incorruptibility, and immortality. Resurrection (Antipascha). I cannot help but thank the Lord for His great mercy towards me for delivering me before the liturgy from my sinful death due to anger at sexton Zrelov (for distributing artos, of which there is very little left in the church); I received peace and boldness, calmness. But then he soon felt heaviness and sorrow due to the satiety of the day before, and throughout the mass there was heaviness, there was no sincerity. I thank the Lord for the service of Vespers. I thank the Lord, who three times delivered me from demonic malice at the wedding of the daughter of Vasily Vasilyevich Saltykov, his daughter Varvara. I thank the Lord, who [resolved] in my heart the kingdom of the evil and unclean demon during the marriage of the daughter of Father Vasily Saltykov and who established His Divine kingdom, the kingdom of holiness, truth, truth, simplicity, peace, integrity of heart, spiritual freedom, light, strength. I thank the Lord for a pure view of marriage and those getting married. But when I went from the church to the house of Father Vasily, where the newlyweds also came, the evil enemy demon again took over the Kingdom of God and again reigned through an evil view with rancor towards the wife of the Lesser, a rich captain, whose children learn from me that he does not accept me on holidays with a cross, but I overcame this hostile feeling with the grace of heartfelt repentance and zealous looking to Christ To the Deliverer. Thank the Lord! Monday. Fomina week. I thank the Lord with all my heart for the goodness perfected by His grace, the Matins with zeal, goodwill, truth, without stumbling, victoriously. In what a humble form the Lord Jesus Christ is taught to us daily in the form of simple bread and wine! And how effective, life-giving, pacifying! Glory to His wisdom, His goodness, His omnipotence, His truth, His infinite holiness! After lunch. Before mass and during mass until communion, I was in a strong struggle with the multi-passionate flesh and with the spirits of malice. As soon as I noticed that there was a tin ladle on the altar instead of the previous silver one, I regretted that there was no previous silver one, suitable for a holy place, I began to desire it at all costs, and even then, as I was told that it was flowing, I did not calm down and was not satisfied with the tin one, although it was silver-plated; because of this insignificant circumstance, I lost all love for God and my neighbors from my heart, I grew cold, weakened, became confused, darkened, fell into a tightness of heart - in a word, I died for God and my neighbors; he prayed coldly, without any feeling, without any sincerity, feignedly; although I tried to pray sincerely, I could not: the devil possessed me. Oh, how deadly is attachment to the world, to its blessings, especially in a priest who should be heavenly and dispassionate. I, the servant of incorruption and immortality, myself work at corruption and death. What is it? What madness, madness! What a perversion! I am the salt that overcomes [Matthew 5:13] with my worldly passions! How can I salt the people of God with the salt of grace? May the lowest, most insignificant object in my eyes be silver and gold, from attachment to which I have fallen and often fall away from the source of eternal life, God. The fight against the spirits of malice and wickedness strengthened me, and at the great entrance I rarely pronounced the names of all the royal persons and served the entire Mass outwardly without stumbling. It became easier for me when I commemorated the dead at the special litany, then I was tangibly convinced that everything on earth is decay and rubbish, and that one soul, which is in the image of God and immortal, is a being above all price, and that it is good to cleave to the one God [Ps. 72:28]. Oh, how much stupidity and madness of heart happens in us when, during the service of God, and especially the liturgy, we cling to earthly goods! At this time, the priest must certainly put aside all worldly cares, and must certainly have a heart of grief. Oh, what wisdom to despise everything that is dear, your very flesh, the flesh of anyone else, every earthly charm, beauty, sweetness, every earthly splendor, every earthly difference in yourself. I thank [the Lord] now, who has now delivered me from sinful sorrow and oppression and shame that befell me because of anger at the poor and cursing against them. Have mercy on me, God! I have sinned! I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the distress and sorrow that befell me because of unworthy thoughts and feelings about the late Most Reverend Innocent, Metropolitan of Moscow (evening of April 9). Ten o'clock in the evening. At six o'clock in the evening, the Lord saved me from the greatest sin and spiritual misfortune - from extreme sorrow, cramped conditions, burning pain, which befell me righteously for my boldness with my hand against the poor in Gostiny Dvor. I hit one of them on the sore nose with my finger, and I severely tore out the hair of the other. In the cathedral I deliberately repented and fell to the throne, calling upon the abyss of God’s mercy upon myself, and this abyss came to me: I was wonderfully saved, resurrected, renewed, pacified. Tuesday. Radunitsa. With all my heart, with all my thoughts, with all my willpower, I condemn myself for feeling hostility towards the hired sexton Adrian Nikitin, who slandered me in absentia, for this means that I still do not have love, and if I do not have love, then I am not a Christian, but a pagan, I am nothing. From Christ my God I must learn to love my enemies and overcome evil with good, bless those who slander me, do good to those who hate me and pray for those who offend me. So, I sinned gravely that I hated my brother, created in the image of God, redeemed by the honest Blood of Christ, the brother of Christ, the child of Christ, the church animated by the Holy Spirit, the heir of Christ and my own member. It is because of this that I feel that the enemy of the human race is within me and is oppressing me, biting me, tormenting me. But deliver me, Lord, from his all-destructive deceit and grant me to love everyone sincerely. So a biased look at the pretty faces and attractive clothes of women with heartfelt wounding shows that I do not have Christian, unhypocritical love, but I have carnal, pagan, devilish love, for I often despise the poor, the unattractive, the crooked, the askew, the pockmarked, the lame, the ugly in face, although in the image of God they are all equal with God and according to the rights of redemption. Today I did not love one crooked beggar, but hated him for his disgrace and his frequent begging. I have sinned, have mercy on me, God! The more I please my belly, the more I fall away from love for God and neighbor - I have noticed this many times. The heart becomes coarse, callous, becomes white, dies from gluttony, falls away from love for God and neighbor, perverts or overthrows the order of Christian life, and makes a Christian man a pagan. (Yesterday’s cheesecake.) For a long, long time today I fussed with the enemy who had nested in my heart because of the satiety of yesterday and because of hostility towards brother Adrian and because of a biased view of the girls. O earthly, earthly, decaying heart! And it should have long been all heavenly, higher. O all holy Angels of God and saints of God, holy men, pray to the Lord for me, the accursed one. Eight and a half o'clock in the morning. After intense prayer for deliverance from these sins and to receive the grace of God, I lay down to rest and fell asleep: during sleep, I also prayed very earnestly for something and for the first time in my life I saw the Holy Spirit in the form of a dove - this filled me with fear and joy, and I immediately gave praise to the One who gives life to every creature. Glory to Thee, Lord! Evening. I served Mass today with a white heart from yesterday’s satiation from the evening (alas!) with cheesecake and because of drinking wine (although not in excess, I think); there was almost no sincerity, depth, truth, truth in the heart (alas for me, a sinful, passionate one!). But the communion of the Holy Mysteries destroyed spiritual death in me and revived me, cleansed my sins: I felt it, sensed it, was pacified, rejoiced, emboldened, strengthened, enlightened, renewed; I read the prayer behind the pulpit with great boldness and openness of heart. Then we went out to read the funeral diptychs; while reading, at the end, the evil demon put a thought in me: what if someone pulled out a wallet with money from my pocket from behind (and it contained money for the poor, thirty-five rubles), and this devilish thought immediately, in one second, killed my spiritual life, a mental thief burst into my heart, confused, darkened, killed it, brought timidity and fear, so that I could not say a complete funeral release, but then the liturgical dismissal; the enemy reigned in me, depriving me of the grace of communion of the Holy Mysteries, but I did not lose hope and in repentance cried out strongly in the depths of my soul for mercy on me and deliverance from the ancient rebel by the Blood of my Lord, accepted into my heart, for His Blood cleanses us from all sin [1 John 1:7], and God’s mercy has overcome my sin - addiction to money, and the devil has been driven out, peace freedom and boldness reigned in me; at the prayer service I read the Gospel sincerely, without stumbling; he said complete dismissal (during the liturgy, during which he stole); then he served a memorial service for an officer’s wife and, on leave, stole his last words out of confusion due to a split heart; After this, the enemy entered me with great fury and for a long time and terribly oppressed me and tormented me mortally; I repented and prayed for a long time and as soon as through the consumption of the Holy Gifts I freed myself from evil demons. For a long time I was afraid and did not dare to use the Holy Gifts, for I was in extreme confusion; finally, through intense repentance, I got rid of the evil demons. So what? While serving the Liturgy, one must renounce all materiality, not attach one’s heart to anything, and consider the words of the Cherubic song as a firm commandment: Let us now put aside all worldly cares and the words of the cry: Woe is our heart. One must also exclaim: oh, how great is the evil of intemperance! Eleven o'clock in the evening. Now I have gravely sinned before God and before the Mother of God, and before the Angels and all the saints and all people: in great anger I dragged away with both hands a drunken beggar who had come to deceive me and ask for money, supposedly for boots; Since he didn’t leave me behind, despite the hair loss, I grabbed him by the hair with both hands and threw him to the ground, and he, not very drunk, remembered himself well, and still didn’t lag behind, and so I sent him out the gate, giving him fifteen kopecks, saying that it would be for him to buy wine. I acted cruelly, viciously, impudently, forgetting the presence of God and the Angels of the Lord, witnesses of our deeds, words, thoughts, intentions, feelings. I don’t need to get involved with a drunk person, but move away, leaving him to punish himself. Otherwise, you will treat him cruelly, cause harm to both him and yourself, lose your dignity, and anger the Lord God, from Whom you received the dignity of shepherd, priest and celebrant of the Holy Mysteries, mentor, father. I thank You, Lord, who has given me tears of repentance, tenderness, and who has mercy on me again for my repentance. I angrily cursed the beggar boy as a scoundrel, being rather one myself. I repent to the Lord of this! During Vespers, he was ashamed (false shame) of two officers who entered the church, he was embarrassed, he was afraid and did not pronounce the litany exclamations, but stole them. I sinned before the Lord and before the entire Church, heavenly and earthly. Have mercy, Lord, guide, Lord, strengthen, Lord, make me unshakable, Lord, in performing all service to You! Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! We have no logic in our thoughts and actions, but the greatest stupidity, unjustified in any way, namely: if this life here is only an hour and is given to prepare for the eternal, then why are we not constantly preparing? Smart people sitting at cards or in theaters laughing merrily, or feasting merrily, or generally loving to eat and drink and get drunk? This is the first. But the second thing: if our flesh needs very little, then why do we fuss and worry about collecting as much as possible for it or making various excesses for it? Why do we care so little or not at all about the incorruptible soul? Is there any sense and common sense in this? Aren't we spending our lives in everyday stupidities? And what happens in our thoughts, in our feelings, in our words every day? So much stupid, sinful, useless, harmful! Wednesday. I thank, extol and glorify the Lord for delivering me from sorrow and distress just before mass, when I became angry with the beggars, did not satisfy some of them, and for this I was wounded in my heart; The Lord gave me peace for repentance; He served mass without stumbling. I received Holy Communion wonderfully, life-giving - I was renewed, encouraged, and at peace, and this was when, the day before, I severely punished a drunken beggar with my own hands, pulling him by the hair; truly repentance blots out all sins, especially the communion of the life-giving Mysteries. Then, after the funeral service, when I wanted to consume the Holy Gifts, the devil tightly, mortally squeezed my heart for the sin of man-pleasing, but I fell with faith into the wounds of Christ, hoping that I would be healed by them, and I was healed immediately. Glory to the miracles of the Holy Mysteries. Glory to the riches of the Lord's bounties! Oh, how many bounties of the Lord are hidden for us in the cross of Christ, in the wounds of Christ on the cross! Oh, the riches of deliverance, healing, life, holiness, truth! During vespers and after vespers in church and at home, the Lord saved me many times with the same wounds, with His blood for my repentance and for my faith in the life-giving wounds and the Blood of my Lord. A priest who performs public or private worship, or the holy Sacraments and prayers, or teaches the people, must have the spirit of Christ in himself and love his flock and people in general with the womb of Christ, as the Apostle says about himself [Phil. 1:8]. This is especially what a priest should be like when he celebrates the Sacrament of the infinite love and truth of God - the Sacrament of Communion, or the liturgy, also the Sacrament of Baptism - then he should be completely filled with heavenly love, he should be all grief and have nothing to do with the earth. And just as he was elevated by the grace of the Spirit, making him the performer of the most heavenly, most beloved Mysteries, so he must always be mutually elevated in spirit in order, if possible, to correspond to the spirit of the love of God, who loved us without measure. A priest’s view of people should always be the view of Christ, holy, loving, meek, kind, patient, comprehensive, deep. Christianity must be implanted within us, in the depths of our hearts, and a Christian must act in everything according to the conviction of his heart, sincerely, say all prayers heartily, calmly, firmly, with love. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of repentance, delivered me from the waves of sin and from the [sinking] of sin that befell me for my anger and cry at the beggars, who annoyed me with their requests when I went to serve a prayer service to Britnev Gabriel Alex.; The Lord gave me peace with boldness, and I boldly and loudly served a prayer service with the blessing of water and a prayer of gratitude. I confess that since Wednesday evening (April 11) I ate fresh ruff and perch and fish soup with black and some white bread at night. Restless sleep at night. No need to eat at night. (Uha is not useful for me, but harmful; unless it is useful for an upset stomach.) It’s heavy on the heart and body. I condemn myself for hasty, incorrect conclusion (given an incorrect verbal premise) about the janitor Andrei, as if he was dishonest. The thought was lost and I was left in shame. Never jump to conclusions about a person. I thank the Lord for His gracious help to me during the service of Matins and for delivering me from the machinations of the enemy, especially at the very end of Matins, when anger again arose in my heart against the reader Adrian for his disapproving comments about me. Only by sincere repentance and trust in the wounds of the cross of my Savior, endured for me, and in His most pure, liberating and all-saving blood, did I completely get rid of the poisonous, deadly malice of the devil. But what a charm the enemy has, what violence works in anger! God forbid! Remember, Lord, all those who are caught in the delusion and violence and misfortune of the devil’s malice and by Your mercy, deliver them from it, for the enemy is cunning and powerful - our destroyer. Just as You delivered me, O Lord, and always deliver me for repentance, so deliver all Your people who lead You, granting them sincere repentance for their evils. Amen. How joyful I am after God’s great intercession and deliverance from evil! Great torment in anger. After lunch. Thursday. I thank the Lord, who miraculously revived me with His most pure Mysteries of His Body and Blood, when I was dead in sins. I thank the Lord, who revived me again after my death at the memorial service for officer Apollo Ivanovich; and I died in soul because I regretted parting with my soft prosphyra in favor of the wife of the deceased (oh I, idolater, glutton and man-pleaser!), and I didn’t want to leave the widow without the prosphyra: you see what a mess has become in the soul that has received the Lord of glory: I want to please both my belly and people, but I left the Lord of glory, received in the Holy Mysteries! O ingratitude, o ignorance, o negligence, o unbelief, o idolatry! But cramped conditions have already befallen me, and a scorching plague, and darkness! Serves me right! But, oh, unspeakable mercy! And it also received me repentant, and again the union I had broken with the Lord was restored by His grace and bounties! I praise the Lord! From now on, let me count everything earthly as rubbish: my body, and silver, and gold, and earthly sweets, and the beauty of the body, and nobility, and earthly glory, and earthly wealth, perishable! May the Lord alone be exalted in me. Let abstinence accompany me all the days of my life, alms, prayer, reading, contemplation of the perfections of God in Himself and in all His creations! May I strive steadily towards the ultimate goal of my existence! Friday. Yesterday, after Vespers, an old woman and her son Shakhmatov came to me with a request for assistance in registering her son, a former postman, with the local bourgeois society. And then, remembering the lawlessness and unscrupulous actions of the Petersburg Chamber in assigning various rabble of people to the local society, I burst out with bilious abuse at the Chamber, but by this I deeply hurt myself, embarrassed, killed, depriving myself of peace, freedom, boldness, spiritual space, in a word, the grace of God. During baptism, I had sorrow and tightness in my heart, and I [...] shifted in order to get rid of it, and only after the completion of the Sacrament, fervently repenting and falling to the throne of grace in the hope of the endless Sacrifice of justification by the Blood of Christ, I finally got rid of punishment. Let me not be seditious in the future, let me not outright blame the government, whatever it may be: there is no power that is not from God [Rom.13:1]. And let the highest authority judge lawless actions. I thank the Lord for the blessing of deliverance and salvation. Just before waking up in the morning, I almost fell, through the action of the devil, into the temptation of adultery in a dream due to the explanation by women in white shirts of some words [...] that supposedly meant dishonest houses visited by aristocrats and middle-class people. I woke up and crossed myself, thanking God for not allowing me to commit fornication in a dream. Was the blessing of childbirth given to us, I thought, so that we could abuse it or pervert its actions? What kind of carnal work could be more beneficial, holier, more fruitful and more precious in its fruits? For these fruits are people with a rational soul in the image and likeness of God. Thanks be to the Lord, who created with the greatest grace and beauty man and woman and with all the members necessary, purposefully planted and arranged in his body, but we must use them for the glory of God, for our needs and for the multiplication of the human race, the race of the children of God, and not for the bestial satisfaction of lusts. Lord, enlighten and enlighten all the meanings and hearts of men, so that they may not commit carnal iniquities, may they not abuse the good deeds of the sexes, may they glorify Your holy name with abstinence, purity and chastity, because we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones [Eph. 5:30] and temples of the Holy Spirit of the Lord, who gives life and sanctifies all. The past time is enough for us, when in our youth we did the will of our lusts [1 Peter 4:3], - now at least let us live chastely for Your glory and our salvation. What is the intelligent light that the Lord created us to enjoy? Imagine the whole light of the Bible and the Gospel, the Old and New Testaments, the whole light of the worship of the Christian Orthodox Church, the light of all the writings of the holy fathers, variously wise by God to compile infinitely varied writings, the light of all the writings and teachings of secular writers, well-intentioned and variously wise by God in different branches of knowledge - imagine what light dwelt in their souls, how great, rich, sweet, This light is captivating for the mind and heart, to the point that other people insatiably hungered for this knowledge, this light, and remember and know that all this is only a small particle of that intelligent light that God’s elect will see in heaven, for there the intelligent light pours directly from God Himself, the Source of infinite wisdom, goodness, truth and holiness. The wounds and wounds and sufferings of the martyrs are the wounds, wounds and sufferings of Christ (I bear the marks of the Lord Jesus on my body [Gal.6:17]), for they are His members and He is their Head. That is why their ulcers and wounds, their blood heal those who touch them with faith. During the conciliar service of the liturgy in the cathedral (funeral service for Peter Petrovich Yudenich), I felt within myself an abyss of spiritual and physical infirmities; this gave me a reason for deep humility, repentance, and tenderness with tears. He received life-giving communion, consumed the Holy Gifts before saying the funeral exclamations at the funeral service; Before the time of the exclamation that should have been spoken to me, a grave temptation occurred due to an empty circumstance that shocked me enormously through the action of the devil and aroused evil indignation against its culprit: at the altar, the watchman dropped a ladle on the floor, which rang loudly; As soon as I, by diligently calling on the Lord for help, got rid of the evil against the culprit of this incident, I barely calmed down - and, thank God, I uttered the entire exclamation, without concealing it, which I could not do for a long time due to the devil’s insurance; while speaking the exclamation, the Lord clearly helped me, and after it I felt very calm and triumphant as a winner by the grace of God; I had to say three exclamations, and I said everything in full. At the funeral dinner I sinned: I drank a lot of different types of wine (bitter vodka, two glasses of sherry, a glass of Lafite, a glass of soternes, two glasses of honey) and therefore came to Vespers half-drunk and served without litanies; After Vespers with Compline there was a short prayer service. Then the confession of five women. It was difficult for a drunk to confess. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to confess His goodness, omnipotence, greatness and power, that He is the resurrection and life and rest of His fallen servants; for what I have done wrong, I ask for forgiveness and non-condemnation, according to His great and ineffable mercy. I don’t need to drink wine - it’s bad for the heart and body. Grant me, Lord, to fulfill Your good will. Yesterday, while walking with the rector during the removal of Mr. Yudenich’s body, I heard from him that in seminaries they teach us hypocrisy; I wondered if he was saying this about me? After all, it seems that I am not a hypocrite, but during mass, remembering that my love is hypocritical, and my prayer is often the same, and my deeds are the same, I humbled myself, groaned and cried about my wretchedness during mass. Yes, there really is every sin in me and nothing purely good! Alas for me, a sinner! I thank the Lord, for he has granted me to perform Matins and early mass with great boldness and has made me worthy to receive life-giving communion and to give communion to five people. I was blessed from the service and communion until four o'clock in the evening. And at this time, when I had a second snack and ate some cabbage soup after a hearty dinner that had already taken place at three o’clock, and had some disagreement with my wife because of the letters she had printed, I lost the grace of God, and sorrow and distress befell me. I repented and prayed, but not very deeply and strongly; they called me to a prayer service at a new hotel in Korovnikov’s house - I walked along the road and kept repenting and praying; I came to the hotel, stood before the icon of the Savior and prayed inwardly, saying: Lord! Destroy in Your name all the webs of sins in me - and now the captivity of sins has been destroyed, and I felt calm, light, spacious, and I glorified the Lord, and served a prayer service with great boldness. I condemn myself for greed and intemperance. Have mercy on me, Lord! I have grieved You, who entered into me through the communion of Your Holy Mysteries and made me Your church. Destroy the web of my sins in Your name, Lord (I said in the depths of my soul in the newly opened hotel in Korovnikov’s house), and the strongholds of sin collapsed, the death of my soul collapsed and disappeared. Glory to the all-saving name! How we dispersed and dispersed 36 sheep of the flock! The cup of life, which is given for everyone - drink from it, all of you [Matthew 26:27], - we drink only ourselves - the clergy, and sometimes perhaps infants, who are often also driven away by some of the priests! The laity, on the other hand, start barely once a year, and others every few years. And the character of the liturgy has remained the same to this day as it was under the apostles, and in it, judging by the prayers, adults (and infants) are expected to participate every day. Why are they not there? From lack of faith, negligence, laziness, prejudices. And if they exist, that is, partakers who truly hunger and thirst for the righteousness of God or Christ, then glory to God! My God! My God! What abandonment by God of my unworthiness I experienced today at early mass in the cathedral! At first I had some dislike for the sexton Zrelov for his cruelty to animals and to the man coachman. But through repentance I drove her out by the grace of God. Then, at the great entrance, when Father Deacon rudely answered my remark about the extremely small paten from which particles were falling, I was greatly embarrassed and, with a weak voice and loss of spirit, I could hardly speak out exclamations; disembodied enemies ate me wholeheartedly, deposed me mercilessly, until I received Holy Communion of the life-giving Mysteries, after which I came to life, perked up, I felt light, spacious, and peaceful. But what a cramped situation there was, what a loss of spirit during mass - it is difficult to express, and this is worthy of my work for yesterday’s satiety during the day and evening. But what’s amazing is that I suffer terribly from demons for my satiation, and yet I continue to be satiated, senseless, greedy! Alas for me! Alas for me! Last night I drank a glass of grape wine, a tea cup of meat broth, two glasses of tea with cream, ate black bread with butter, ate one orange; There was a slight perspiration, I did not let the perspiration take hold, which would be useful if I had not been in the bathhouse for a long time, I went outside, the perspiration remained in me, which is why I experienced extreme loss of nerves, painful irritability. In general, the terrible sinful thorns suppress me! Both my own and other people’s sins weigh on me! The sins of those who willingly give me their clothing offerings. After mass and prayers, I slept for two hours at home, then went to Vazhenin for a prayer service. Before the prayer service on the road and in Bazhenov’s apartment there is crowdedness because of the thought that the Bazhenovs do not accept us with the cross; I conquered this selfish feeling through prayer and repentance, but the enemy tried to suppress the spirit with cowardice, fear, and timidity; By the wisdom of the spirit I overcame these feelings, and in the end I felt great, calm, victorious. It is against this timidity, cowardice, fear and apprehension that we must always fight and not become cowardly from anything. If I am a sinner, who is without sin? Is it not the enemy himself who constantly incites us to sin? Be gone, murderer! The dismissals of our church services, which are so comforting, must always be spoken boldly, with an open face and vision, firmly, with heartfelt conviction. Every day I walk near the abyss and near destruction, often I even stumble and begin to fall into it, but the goodness of God stops me in this fall and again lifts me onto the solid road, so that I can follow the path of salvation, the path of eternal life. And she lifts me up through faith and repentance. I thank the Lord, who gave me saving faith. A glutton and a lover of peace is like a reed shaken by the wind, extremely weak, submissive, decrepit 37 when tempted by the enemy the devil. Correct those who sin in meekness. A meek word will reach the heart, prepare good soil and bring good fruit of obedience and correction, but a word spoken not peacefully, not from a good heart, but with impatience, confusion and embitterment, will only confuse and irritate the sinner or even make him contempt for the inept accuser. So, simple prudence, not only the faith of Christ, requires calmness and complacency in the case of misdeeds of subordinates or children, meekness, prudence, love and patience. Why, when someone else is faulty, should you become faulty and add your own sin to his sin, and add another wounded person, that is, yourself, to the wounded one? For he who is angry with his neighbor is spiritually wounded, sick, and can a sick person heal a sick person? Doctor, heal yourself [Luke 4:23]. So we, doctors, are [all] sick ourselves and, before healing others, we must heal ourselves. Monday. I will endlessly praise my Lord and Savior, for just as before he helped me without number in all good things and delivered me from countless troubles and evils, so this day, by His great mercy, by His omnipotent power, in the hour of my distress, has delivered me from the hellish machinations of the enemy and from the slander of my comrade, fellow priest Peter Alekseevich Klepachevsky, who slandered me in violation of supposedly church piety and in quarrels with sextons. Because of this slander, I was in confusion, in excitement and did not know how I would serve alone, without a deacon, mass in the Assumption Church in the Duma. The Lord brought me to reason: I returned from the road to the Assumption Church [cathedral], tore out the sheet of Father Peter’s entry in the income book about my alleged violation of the order of service, went to his apartment to talk with him in a brotherly way - and the matter was settled to general peace and harmony. I celebrated mass without stumbling, smoothly, solemnly, peacefully, firmly, majestically, and the great requiem mass was also without stumbling. In general, I served with great boldness. Thank God for this and for all good things. Evening, five o'clock. I thank the Lord for the great miracle of my salvation through the prayer of my repentance, when I, severely wounded in my soul by the unsatisfactory, confusing answer to the question of the seventh grade student Palyanov, sat in the classroom like on coal and walked out of the classroom with a burning sting in my heart, fervently repenting to the Lord for my negligence towards the subject and asking for mercy for the sake of His name. Arriving home, I felt through prayer and still perfect peace in my soul. The Lord also had mercy on me in the apartment of the widow Evdokia Leontyeva (my husband died of demonic possession in the hospital), when I repented with faith of my hostile feelings towards Paraskeva Ivanovna Kovrigina, who followed me. The Lord also forgave me at home for the bilious reprimand to my wife for scenting the piano with the heavy smell of camphor; I repented of my hostility. In the science of worship, it is necessary to make the following program: first, the concept of man and the image and likeness of God, his properties, abilities, his purpose or purpose!.. About man as a Christian, his redemption, rebirth, shrine, purpose [...]. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the grave, devilish agony during the all-night vigil and from the sharp, deadly thorns of sins. The Lord showed great power and mercy on me and greatly comforted me, unworthy, with His great salvation. Glory to the Lord! Due to my greed for selected foods and drinks, last night after the all-night vigil I again fell into satiety, gluttony and almost drunkenness: at the Semyonovs I drank porter and wine, and at home I drank a lot of tea and ate enough black bread and butter, so it was hard at night; I saw the bombardment of English warships and was in awe, hiding behind various large buildings. I saw how one bomb ricocheted under water and, by the grace of God, did not harm anyone, but we were afraid for it, that it was about to emerge and burst into deadly fire and shrapnel. (The porter and tea upset my stomach.) How long will I live as a pagan, and not as a Christian, for gluttony, delicacy, gluttony and drunkenness are idolatry (which is God’s stomach [Phil. 3:19])? How long is there negligence about the Christian life? What kind of shepherd am I, what kind of leader for the people to the promised land, to the heavenly fatherland? I thank the Lord, who granted me a short speech before the prayer service in the mine workshop and to perform a thanksgiving prayer service with the blessing of water with sufficient boldness. I thank the Lord for giving me a deep knowledge of my sins, my damnation, my poverty, poverty, blindness and nakedness, my moral insignificance, corruption, for giving me deep tenderness (during the cathedral liturgy) and the knowledge that there is nothing good in me, but only sin and evil, that everything good in me is the Lord, everything is from the Lord and by the Lord. I thank the Lord for taking away from my heart dislike and hostility towards the abbot who served me, and for bestowing disposition and heartfelt love for him, as a living image of Christ, as a brother, a member; I learned that if there are shortcomings in him, then they are common to all of us, that we must regret them and fervently pray to God for everyone, that He will save everyone from their sins and show them to be perfect, that they should not be indignant at any shortcomings and errors. I thank the Lord, who revived me through the communion of the Holy Mysteries. I praise my Lord and Savior for my two-fold, wondrous salvation from the mortal (sinful) defeat of my heart by the primordial enemy: once in the apartment of Father Peter of the Transfiguration, when I with all my heart called on the Lord Jesus Christ for help in a secret prayer of repentance, and another time late in the evening at home, when I, also being in great sorrow and crampedness from grief at the many beggars and beggars who approached me all day parties, repented of this and called on His sweetest and all-saving name with faith and hope. I thank You, Lord, for daily you surround me with the joys of deliverance, mercy, help, renewal, revitalization. Glory to Thee, our good, philanthropic, merciful and benevolent God! Crazy, I burden myself with food and drink every day, so that I cannot do mental work. Oh, if only I didn’t have anything for breakfast, but also didn’t have lunch! Yesterday evening I drank two glasses of beer, which I really wanted, and while drinking, I did harm to myself: gas rushed to my head and caused it severe pain; Apparently, the stomach is not good, it is clogged. Is the iodine they rub on me harmful to me? To pray for the king, queen, heir, his wife and for the entire reigning house is our sacred and indispensable duty, and we are obliged to pray according to the divine right given to us by God Himself. On St. George's Day I served the all-night vigil in the Assumption Church alone, without a deacon, with great difficulty; in some litanies he omitted words and expressions; at the beginning of the all-night vigil at the end, through the reading of the canon, I was strengthened in spirit, with which I died from long non-service, from intemperance in food and drink, from failure to fast: on Friday evening I ate milk, soup, meat out of weakness (as if). He served Mass on the 23rd with extreme weakness, with extreme difficulty, deadness, fear, and voicelessness. After communion, I [visibly] came to life, a spiritual dead man. But I served the requiem and prayer service with difficulty and with extreme obstacles from the crafty demons for the impoverishment, as I think, of love for my neighbor, because, as I remember, I was deprived of God’s gracious help in the service from the moment I saw [entering] the church with extreme servility towards me, the servant of God, the soldier’s widow Anna Gerasimovna Obedkova, known for her great spiritual devotion to me. love (until the disappearance of my personality, which I cannot see, especially the groveling at my feet). I sinned against the Lord and repaid with hatred for love for me, a sinner. Due to my great sins, my heart could not contain the unfeigned love for a poor and ignorant woman, whose extremely great respect for me I was fed up with, the damned one. But create in me, Lord, a pure heart, capable of containing unfeigned love, which never falls away, such as pious wives have for me. Wake up! Glory to God, the Divine Liturgy and the Divine Mysteries! After yesterday's mass, which I performed with such obstacles from the spirits of darkness nesting in me due to my intemperance, I became healthy in spirit and body; I slept well at night, calmly, lightness and cheerfulness throughout my being. Oh, life-giving, omnipotent Divine Mysteries! Oh, wonderful liturgy! Oh, wonderful God! In pious wives, one must maintain zeal for the church and worship and for the priesthood and encourage everything good in them; they are very receptive and sensitive. Lead, lead them to God, shepherd! Oh, the wonderful Divine leaven of the Divine Body and Blood in our nature, corrupted by sins! But how rarely do others receive communion? That is why the fruits of Christian life are not visible. God Almighty! Good God! Dear God! Turn the hearts of people to You, who weighs their destinies. From April 25 to May 10, I was very ill from inflammation in my right side due to a severe cold: 25, 26, 27, 28, 29 and 30 were critical days for me for life or death; the inflammation was severe, the fever reached more than forty degrees; breathing was difficult, the shooting in the head and ears was strong, the heat in the lower back was extreme. But the Lord had mercy: after nine days all the illnesses disappeared, I began to recover. Didn't come out into the air until May 11th. I had the good fortune to confess and receive the Holy Mysteries three times: on the fourth day of illness, on the seventh and on the fifteenth (May 10 in church). I thank the Lord, who quickly delivered me from inner anger towards my wife and restored my heart to love and peace (shortly after communion of the Holy Mysteries on Ascension). The Most Holy Theotokos is the abode of the Holy Spirit, the purest village of the entire Holy Trinity; All the saints have been awarded the same communion of the Holy Spirit: they are all one spirit with the Lord, they are the Holy Spirit, or the Holy Spirit with the Father and the Son rests in them forever, completely penetrating them. Glory to you, all holy men of God. Pray for us too to be completely sanctified by the Holy Spirit. Amen. Tune (Church Glav.) - for free. Tochiyu (Church Glav.) – only. Stichera of Holy Pascha, tone 5. Song 3 of the Easter canon. Raspuditi (Church Glav.) – to disperse, to scare away. Decrepit (Church Slavic) – embarrassed, saddened; gloomy, gloomy.