Ноябрь 1877 года

November 4. Friday. The time of prayer, for example the time of the liturgy, is the time of God, which entirely belongs to God and the soul, and to shorten this time for the sake of man-pleasing or because of worldly benefits is a grave sin. During divine services, the priest must be aware of his high heavenly dignity as a servant of God and the performer of the heavenly Mysteries and not servile people for the sake of vain glory or worldly benefits, not be afraid of the human face, this grass, which is green today and withers tomorrow. What we need most, what is most necessary in life by grace and by nature, we ask the Lord more often and more urgently, for example, we ask in the litanies for peace from above and the salvation of our souls, peace for the whole world, unity of the churches, piety and holiness for the Holy Synod, the bishopric, the presbytery, the deaconry, the clergy and all people; prosperity to the emperor and his entire household, the Christ-loving army; the blessing of the air and the abundance of earthly fruits or the whole day is perfect, peaceful and sinless, the Angel is peaceful, the guardian of souls and bodies, forgiveness and forgiveness of sins, good and beneficial to souls, in peace and repentance, end the rest of our life, the Christian death of our life - all this is extremely necessary for all of us. Thanks be to the Lord, who made the holy apostles and holy fathers so wise through the Holy Spirit to compose such beautiful prayers and supplications for the entire Church, for the entire community of the faithful! I thank You, Lord, for the countless cleansings of my sins, voluntary and involuntary, and for my countless renewals by Thy grace, and for the countless Divine powers of Thy in me, with which I was delivered from great troubles, cramps, sorrows, and illnesses. Just as the Spirit of grace and holiness, by its inherent love and jealousy, strives to harden and confirm a faithful person in holiness and virtue, so the spirit of malice, due to its inherent malice and hellish jealousy, strives to harden and strengthen a person who is unfaithful to God, who does not care about fulfilling the commandments of God, in all sin, in malice, envy, pride, intemperance, in abomination, in despondency, cowardice, fear, murmuring, disobedience, wickedness and other sins. November 5th. I thank and glorify the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform the early liturgy alone, without a deacon (ordered from Alexander Murashov). At first, at the proskomedia, I was overcome by greed and envy, when I noticed that the prosphyra were small, there was a strong struggle, I repented and prayed earnestly, that the Lord would intercede with His grace, and in His mercy the Lord had mercy, punishing me, so that I might learn to rely on Him, and not on bread: man will not live on bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God [ Matthew 4:4]. He served Mass generally well, with a clear voice, but in the most important part of the liturgy I was extremely confused by the obstacles from the handrails; the dangling noose constantly clung to the stole and chasuble, irritating me, who was impatient. During the litany of All the Saints, he was completely lost in remembering, but then he began again and said everything without stumbling. One evil thought, having sunk into the heart, disturbs the entire state of mind, knocking the soul out of its position or peaceful structure; you despise the thought - and everything is fine, you are afraid of it or accept it even for a moment - and evil will overcome you, crush you. I finished the mass and memorial service well. Praise the Lord. That night a prodigal defilement occurred from an unclean dream and corrupted and desecrated me, depriving me of the grace of God. I got up, changed my underwear, prayed, and read cleansing prayers with feeling. As a result of corruption there are grave temptations. November 6. In a dream, you imagine snacks, wine, gluttony - this is what the greedy soul feeds on during sleep, but there are no Divine visions and sacred pleasure. Alas for me! And in reality I am often tempted by the same thing: guests and visitors! The worship of the Orthodox Church is living, personified Christianity with its omnipotent Head - the Lord Jesus Christ, or the entire history of Christianity, or messianism, from the creation of the world to the present day. See the annual cycle of worship. Here you see, so to speak, coming out on Wednesday with your stories, prophecies, prototypes, sacred songs of Moses and other prophets, the prophetess Anna and the Most Pure Virgin Mary, the Mother of God, on Whom the prophecies and images of the Old Testament came true; During the liturgy you see in the faces and actions the entire life of the Head of Christianity, Christ the Savior, and His wonderful, mind-transcending love in teaching the faithful His Body and Life-giving Blood. Here you talk daily with the Lord, with the Most Pure Matter, with the holy martyrs, saints, saints and all the saints, glorifying their exploits, their faith, hope, love, marveling at them, begging them to intercede for you; here you glorify the Heavenly Powers and ask for their intercession. This is living, active, life-giving Christianity with all its saving powers, with all its Divine wealth of mercy, wisdom, salvation; this is the truly grace-filled Kingdom of Christ (I thank the Lord, who reveals to me, unworthy, His divine wisdom and goodness), this is earthly heaven. On the other hand, this is a physician of souls, here you see daily examples of repentance and in general in the composition of the divine service, in readings and singing (stichera), and in the faces of the husbands and wives of saints and other saints. The greatest Sacraments of the Christian faith are performed here: Baptism, Confirmation, Repentance, Communion, Priesthood, Marriage, Blessing of Anointing. Here worthy praise is given to the one Lord in the Trinity, the Mother of God, the holy Angels, the holy saints (akathists) not only in general, but also daily or weekly (in worship). I, unclean, will caress myself to the Most Pure Mother of God, so that I may be cleansed: She will pray for me to Her Son and our God, as she begged and begs, for by Her grace I still live and prosper in many ways. We praise the Lady every day and beg for help and mercy for us sinners and are amazed at Her greatness, Her immeasurable holiness, Her mercy, Her strength, wisdom, vigor, intercession. November 6. Resurrection. After early mass with matins. I served without a deacon, generally decently, but St. Anna’s ribbon, to my shame, extremely outraged me. I envied the red ribbon in the Gospel, I wanted to have it myself - great embarrassment, great cramped conditions, great struggle. He desired vain decorations, but fell away from God, from the love of God, and forgot to care about human souls, and about his own soul too! Oh, disastrous, absurd vanity! At mass he was in a hurry out of embarrassment, servile, accursed, to the strong in the city, Philip Stepanov and Nikolai Sidorov, did not pronounce many words and expressions. At the end of the liturgy there were many prayer services in houses; I served with Myachin, there was a beautiful young wife, very pretty, she had a strong impression on me during the prayer service, I did not look at her. At the end of the prayer service and at farewell, out of her heart’s desire, she wanted to kiss me, but I declined. Where is this temptation? But with this she wounded me, or, better, the demon of fornication, and my heart burned with poison. I was in distress, confusion, death of sin. He prayed, repented, and before Burachka’s door he received forgiveness and freedom. God bless! I prayed with Burachka fervently and freely! Glory to God the Savior! November 7. It is not because the spiritual leader carries the spiritual sword without his mind, but I hope that the grace of God will instruct him to use it for the glory of God and for our benefit. Let us obey him for the sake of God, who commands us to obey the authorities established over us, for in obedience lies salvation [Rom. 13:1ff]. Oh Lord! Give understanding and instruct our closest superior, the dean, to give orders for the glory of Your name, for the good and salvation of Your people and us, Your servants. Touch the heart of his children to serve in Thy house, grant him the memory of death and the memory of Thy Last Judgment, speak unceasingly in his conscience of Thy judgments, let him know how terrible the curse is on those who do the work of God with negligence [Jer. 48:10] and on those who teach to do the works of God with negligence and extreme haste; Yourself, Lord, rebuke him, for there is no one but You to reprove him, and he will not accept reproof from us. The entire community is indignant at his negligence in service and leaves the house of prayer hungry and hungry. Yes it will be. Grant that we all serve You with great zeal all the days of our lives and not be carried away by the spirit of the devil’s haste. (Concerning the change in the order regarding the service in the Assumption Church on the day of the Archangel Michael.) Grant us good peace and mutual love. Tomorrow, serve a thanksgiving prayer on the occasion of the crowning of the right arms of the Russian Orthodox Christ-loving army with victory (the capture of Kars). Glory to Thee, Lord! Most Holy, Almighty, All-Good Head of Your Church, Lord Jesus, Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, give me grace always from beginning to end to safely, holy, peacefully, firmly, ardently perform all divine services under all circumstances, with large and small people, on holidays and on weekdays, in the church and outside the church! Grant me, grant me this grace and cleanse my heart from all passion, filthiness of the flesh and spirit, deliver me from all slander of the enemy, ignite with heavenly fire during my service the hearts of all those present and praying, humble the hearts of the rich and famous, learned or wise of this age, possessing 75 their wisdom and subduing their minds and hearts to Your word; soften the hearts of those rooted in passions, recreate, renew your people. Amen, wake up! Wake up! I am weak, but let Your power be made perfect in my weaknesses [2.12:9]. I am a sinner and a sinner, but where sin abounds, grace abounds [Rom. 5:20]. Let it be so in me too. When serving, a priest must be independent of any person standing in the church, be it the king himself, a minister, a governor-general, a rich, wayward man, or a noble woman, or a scientist of this world, for the priest is a servant of God and must do his work in God’s way - holy, free, majestic, peaceful. Write a letter to Yanovsky. And in advance, inquire about sending the idea about me and its content. November 15, 1877. The form of public worship is a conversational form, expressing the sociability and unanimity of the clergy and laity. The first Christians, shepherds and flocks, had one heart and soul [Acts 4:32]. This unanimity was expressed both in life in mutual love, in the communication of possessions, in suffering for the faith, in general consolation, and in worship. It would be good if even now the divine service expressed the unanimity of the clergy and laity. By prayer and petition with thanksgiving, present your requests to God [Phil.4:6]. The words of the Apostle Paul are fulfilled to this day in public and private worship. November 8. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His great mercy in helping me to serve one matins and mass in the Assumption Church, and also a prayer service of thanks for the victory (Kars was taken). Briskly, with feeling, freely, independently, he served all the services, sounded like a nightingale, and flew like a bird. The first Christians stood up 76 in church, praising and blessing God [Luke 24:53]. And we must always be in church, praising and blessing God. And we also have praise and doxology. November 9. I thank the Lord for his great mercy in revealing my salvation from the sins of anger and unrighteous rage against the woman who invited me to serve a prayer service: why is everyone calling me, but there are no other priests? – I said with anger, standing on the choir. Then he repented and asked for mercy from the Lord, standing at the throne, and received mercy and peace! Then another time he sinned by refusing with the anger of a beggar who asked for money for the journey; I didn’t believe him and turned away from myself, going to serve a prayer service - again for this there was sorrow and distress. He prayed, falling before the Lord in the woman’s room in Baikov’s house, and the sorrow and oppression went away, and he served the prayer service with peace and space and with boldness. Glory to the most merciful Lord! How gluttony and satiety humiliate me! They cause me to lose heart, sorrow, oppression, fear, cowardice, confusion, hardness of heart, fornication, envy, separate me from God and His grace, reduce me to senseless cattle! On the contrary, how elevating is abstinence! It cleanses and elevates the spirit, strengthens it, expands the heart, gives it peace, softens, humbles, enlightens! Today, Wednesday, in the morning I ate black bread with butter, washed down with sweet tea, then fell asleep in the afternoon from the burden, and when I woke up, it was quite hard for me. Seeing my niece eating scrambled eggs, I envied her for my greed and was greatly offended! For a long time I groaned from my greed! He repented, then prayed, and only two [hours later] received forgiveness. I thank the Lord, who gave me repentance and His mercy after the betrothal of the bride and groom outside the city with [Dementy] Semenovich Isaev. And during the prayer service and betrothal I felt very difficult, cramped, and ashamed from the sin of hard-heartedness and stinginess regarding the poor; I was tied up and couldn’t speak many words. So, accursed one, I often upset the Lord with my sins: with stinginess - the most generous, with malice - with the all-good, with the most pure - with bad thoughts, with the simple - with wickedness, with the wise - with the folly of sin, with the meek - with my unrighteous anger. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to carry out without stumbling a memorial service for the deceased in Savelyev’s house. The holy king and prophet David in his psalms teaches, enlightens, consoles, denounces, prophesies, thanks, praises the Lord, repents, and begs. We must feed the Lord's sheep to salvation, but alas! we feed ourselves, our pigs - our passions and worldly addictions, we chase after sweets and money, after honors, awards, distinctions, and through this we are deprived of true, abiding, incorruptible pleasure, wealth [blessing], we have become alien to all true virtue, we have become vain, humiliated, earthed, instead of being heavenly. November 10. The desire for earthly blessings, beauty, distinction, wealth, glory and honor, various pleasures confuses, oppresses and scorches human souls with fire. This is not what the desire for heavenly blessings, spiritual beauties, sweets, crowns and rewards and heavenly wealth does: it cheers, expands and irrigates the heart with heavenly, life-giving coolness. Consequently, earthly goods are vain, but heavenly goods are true, those are temporary, and these are eternal. God! Enlighten our hearts to desire and seek eternal, true blessings and despise temporary ones. Amen. I don’t lose anything if I don’t receive earthly rewards, and if I lose praise and reward from the Lord, I lose infinitely much. If I do not have sin in my heart for the sake of the Lord, I am already losing a lot, I am losing everything, for then I am dead, dishonest, confused, oppressed, darkened by meaning. I thank the Lord for His great mercy shown to me in the gymnasium for deliverance from cowardice, despondency and distress due to the director’s deception in nominating me for an award. He said to me, Lord my God: I am your reward! I thank the Lord for delivering me from cramped conditions through my prayer in the apartment of Zakhar Ivanovich and Olga Mikhailovna regarding and punishing me for being cruel to the poor man who was chasing me and asking for a lot of money. How pleasant and desirable it was to get rid of cramped conditions and feel space and peace! Glory to Thee, good Comforter, Lord! Glory to Thee, quick to obey, gracious, gracious Lord! Hear me, Lord, always when I pray to You for Your people and individuals, and just as quickly as You hear me praying for myself! Wake up, wake up, Lord! Amen, amen, amen. November 10, 1877. God! Plevna has been taken! Six o'clock in the evening. Esto 77! I have experienced many times and darkly how good it is to cleave to the one God, to be content with Him alone and not to desire anything but Him, for He is the land of desire, and if a person has Him in himself, then he is satisfied with everything, for he has in himself the all-sufficient good. Everything in the world is transitory vanity, vanity that distracts from God and alienates us from love for our neighbor. What do we have in heaven? and what do you desire on earth?.. God of my heart, and my portion, O God, forever [Ps. 73:25–26]. What will separate us from the love of God; whether sorrow, or distress, and so on... [Rom.8:35]. Some of us are tormented, like a boa constrictor, by the passion of ambition, greed, love of money, lust, gluttony, in a word, many of us, walking with the pleasures of life, are suppressed and do not perform the fruit of good deeds to the Master [Luke 8:14]. Where is the ardent, undying love for God and neighbor? – Exhausted from worldly passions. Alas for us! We think not about the essence of God, but about humanity. So this boa constrictor tormented me and sometimes torments me! I thank the Lord, who has now saved me from the oppression of my passions. I cried out to the Lord inwardly in repentance - and received forgiveness, peace, and freedom. God bless! Regarding the news from Anna Konstantinovna about the failure of the director of the gymnasium to nominate me for the next award, I was overcome today by despondency, crampedness, confusion, so [that] I could not speak calmly. My heart fell away from [divine] life because of worldly vanity, from love for my neighbor. I lost my freedom, my life of spirit. How my heart is divided between love for God and love for the world! Let us pray to the Lord in peace, that is, in a peaceful mood of spirit. This first exclamation of the clergyman, like the exclamation of Peace to all, inspires those present in the church that the Church of Christ is the Kingdom of Peace and that we should be at peace with everyone if possible. If it is possible on your part, be at peace with all people [Rom.12:18]. Try to have peace with everyone and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord [Heb.12:14]. The frequent Lord, have mercy is the heartfelt cry of repentant sinners asking for mercy from the Lord; it teaches, moreover, that all the benefits that we ask from the Lord are gifts of God’s mercy, which we do not deserve and for which we owe Him eternal gratitude. So, Lord, have mercy, teaches unceasing repentance, since we constantly sin. Come, let us worship our King God, - members of the spiritual Kingdom of Christ, Christians, are invited to the proper worship of King Christ, who promised to be where two or three are gathered in His name [Matthew 18:20]. About the names of the saints by whom the service is performed, and about the deeds and virtues with which they pleased God and for the sake of which services are performed for them. They 1) are deified, 2) serve as an example of virtues for us, 3) pray to God for us. I thank the Quick-to-Hear Lady, who truly quickly heard my prayer that, having surpassed me, she would create 78 the worldly merging into which I deviated and got stuck, and She quickly delivered me. Woe to the man who is devoted to gluttony, love of money and ambition, for he is possessed by the devil. 12. I thank the Lord for giving me peace yesterday before going to bed through the intercession of the Lady and for calm during the night. Our faith in eternal reward, in the Last and Righteous Judgment is weak, and that is why we strive to delight in our rewards here (sometimes - alas! for our faults) and receive our consolation at the wrong time, in the wrong order. Oh, if only we could imagine more often the Terrible, impartial Judgment! Then our love for earthly rewards would cool down! Oh, if we only remembered the ever-watchful and unforgettable eye of the righteous Judge! We would not reward ourselves so diligently here for everything, as if so that in the future life there would be nothing left to reward us for! What cunning is the prince of this age and what short-sightedness on our part, voluntary blindness! I feel his actions in me, his incitement to seek earthly things and to neglect heavenly things every day, from morning to evening. God! I thank You for making me a winner in the fight against the machinations of the enemy and for You Yourself crowning and comforting me. With You, let no force of the enemy overcome me, for You are my strength and strength, You are my reward, my glory, my joy, my beauty, my deliverance, my endless pleasure. Clothe my enemies, who think evil of me, with punishment and reproach. Why don’t I hurry to the Father in heaven? Why am I seduced by the unimportant, the fleeting, the vain? Why am I wasting my time in vain? 12. Evening. They are ringing for the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who, through the prayer of the Lady Theotokos (Whom I prayed to protect me), created a miracle of change in the director of the gymnasium, Peter Nikolaevich Janish, who, after all the tricks, finally presented me to the trustee for the award of the Order of St. Anne, third degree, for fifteen years. Just yesterday he said that the Emperor forbade representation for peaceful merits, but only for military ones, and I did not think that he would introduce me, even that he would return the list of forms to me. Glory to the benefactor of the Lord, the good builder of everyday things! Glory to the Lady Theotokos! November 12. Ten o'clock in the evening. I thank the Lord, who showed me His help in the service of the all-night vigil at the Browns and gave me sweet-voiced singing. I thank the Lord, who saved me by invoking and imagining within myself His wonderful name at the end of the all-night vigil, when I declined to say dismissal, turning to the west, to faces, but said it turning to the icons, for this false shame was from the enemy. Glory to the Savior God, glory to His wonderful name! I rejoice in His name! 13. Resurrection. I felt great grief today at early mass from yesterday’s many meals and drinking at Brown’s after the all-night vigil (almond milk [on] a roll, sweet tea, [rutin] with butter); Today the devil drowned me through his belly, he ate me to the bone. Seeing the small prosphoras at the proskomedia, I was upset, greedy, at the prosphora that was baking the small prosphoras, envy, annoyance, and anger appeared at her. I was completely discouraged, but through the prayer of repentance I gained peace and silence. Two and three times the Lord solemnly delivered me from the troubles of cowardice, embarrassment and fear, and only by His grace and mercy I celebrated the Liturgy with a solemn voice. In faith in the Trinity and in the One Lord Jesus Christ from the Trinity and in His merits on the cross lies all our salvation, therefore the Church established that all her children should be marked with the sign of the cross in such a way that it would contain the sign of the Trinity and the incarnation and suffering and death of Christ. Glory to the wisdom of the Church! The sexton Zrelov, at dinner at Nikitina's (the fortieth day after the death of his son Theodore), accused me of rudeness and bickering, for which I scolded him strongly after dinner on the stairs. But may the Lord forgive him. For I am not without sin. Philippians 4:6. Do not be anxious about anything, but always by prayer and petition with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. The robe or phelonion signifies the armor of righteousness. Ephesians 6:14. Eph.5:18 and 19. Be filled with the spirit, speaking to yourselves in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing and making melody in your hearts to the Lord. Standing in the church, we must remember that God is the all-seeing eye, which is a thousand thousand times brighter than the sun and sees everything secret and hidden in human hearts. Bows humble the human spirit, in which the ancestral pride, sown by the serpent, is deeply nested. I sinned against the beggars who were waiting for me on the street, shouting at them with anger and saying: where can I get money for you? - whereas I am not without money. I also sinned in that, not from the heart, not willingly, but out of annoyance and pity, I gave them my money to buy bread. When the leaven of grace has leavened three loads of flour [Matthew 13:33; Luke 13:21 ], that is, all the powers of my soul - mind, heart and will and all the feelings of the flesh? Oh, may my soul and body fast during the coming Lent with a fast favorable to the Lord! 15. I thank the Lord, who mercifully and quickly delivered me from the devil’s despondency and melancholy over the loss of the notebook of my conversations about the liturgy, and then for the second time delivered me from grief and distress on the occasion of a stern refusal to a beggar who asked for money for a ship when I was going to the gymnasium. But where is the notebook with my conversations? What is my grief that I am losing the second notebook of conversations? Who is the kidnapper? Come and give, I command you in the name of the Lord! 15. Evening, twelve o'clock. I thank the Lord for the quick and wondrous salvation that was revealed in me for my faith and repentance, when I, with clairvoyant heartfelt faith, cried out to the Lord to deliver me from despondency and sadness regarding the unfavorable attitude of Yanovsky and Janisch towards me and my intention to write a letter to the former. Glory to Thee, Lord, who has solemnly destroyed in me the treachery of the enemy the devil, who tormented me with the thought that my glory was desecrated by these two persons. Do not forget the one who constantly glorifies You, O Lord, and I will glorify You again. I thank the Lord for deliverance from prodigal sleepy dreams and for the prayer of tenderness after rising from a night’s sleep. Divine service is heavenly residence, heavenly life on earth, being with God and with the saints, pure, loving, undistracted conversation with Him, all possible thanksgiving and glorification through the mortal lips of the Lord and the beginning of eternal glorification together with the Angels through spiritual lips in the transfigured glorious body, glorification of the exploits of the holy saints of God, the school of piety and all virtues from the words of God and from the lives of the saints, the acceptance of heavenly grace in prayer and the Sacraments and the very fusion with God and deification. The thought of giving prosphora to a woman, minister. prayer service, I was confused by the action of the devil during the prayer service. Therefore, do not think about prosphora and people-pleasing during the service and do not be double in heart! - this is a grave sin. Correct your hearts, double-mindedness. No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for the Kingdom of God [Luke 9:62]. You cannot work for God and mammon... Even if your eye is simple... lest your eye be evil [Matthew 6:24, 22–23]... Do not be evil. November 16. I thank the Lord, who wonderfully saved me this day during Matins and early mass, either from a feeling of hostility towards the archpriest, or from despondency due to the strange attitude of the director of the gymnasium towards me, or from hostility towards my sister-in-law and children for the noise and commotion. I thank the Lord for the ardent love that ordinary people show me (at the foreman’s tower, Pavel P. Popov’s house). Sincere prayer for the people (litanies, prayers), and, in particular, for our parishioners, firmly, sincerely brings us together - both pastors and flocks, everyone. Experience. So, it is good to pray sincerely for everyone, you should always pray fervently for everyone. I accept as a sign of God’s favor towards me, unworthy, that the common people love me, as I hear and see. Oh, grant me, Lord, the right to rule the word of truth and diligently shepherd the souls redeemed by Your Blood. November 17. Smoking incense means that Jesus Christ filled the whole earth with the fragrance of the grace of the Holy Spirit, that the Mother of God and all the saints of God received this grace in abundance, that we, who hunger and seek it, are worthy of it, that grace drives away the stench of sin from souls. We often pray with hearts dozing from worldly passions and we speak the slumber of our hearts, and not true, living, fervent prayer. Candles and lamps remind us that we pray with a hot, fiery soul. Fiery in the Spirit, working for the Lord [Rom.12:11]. 18. How long will corruption work and impose on oneself new and new bonds of sin and worldly addictions through delicacy, gluttony and satiety, covetousness and vanity? How long will the poor soul be deprived of its true sphere, true light, true food, true clothing, true glory, true strength, true adornment, correction, incorruptibility? Oh, how lazy and careless we are for spiritual deeds, the deeds of salvation, and how zealous we are for carnal, sinful deeds! The wonderful power of God's grace renews the believer every day and hour - and the terrible power of sin corrupts humanity. They are interested in what is the news of the day and often passes without a trace or leaves harmful traces, but are not interested in what is eternal news for man: the divine grace that has appeared to all people, the truth and holiness of the spirit, which we must acquire as eternal, inalienable property, the truth of the resurrection of the dead, the Last Judgment, the separation of the righteous from the sinners, eternal life and eternal life. torment. Renewal of a person is accomplished by the mortification of passions, the exaltation of virtues and approach or appropriation to God, heartfelt simplicity, rejection of all worldly attachments, and change of heart. That you may be filled with all the fullness of God (behold renewal!) [Eph.3:19]. A person is renewed in sincere, unfeigned repentance, in communion, consecration of oil, and in constant self-condemnation. If anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation [2.5:17]. Behold, I make all things new [Rev.21:5]. I thank the Lord, who has now renewed me with His merciful, cleansing, pacifying, sanctifying grace, when I repented of the desire for a perishable reward (temporary advantage), which stung me to death. Yes, grace cleanses, sanctifies, transforms, renews, adorns, strengthens, enlightens a believer who is zealous for spiritual renewal. Attachment to earthly things and pleasures plunges the whole person, soul and body, into corruption, slavery, confusion, darkness, fear, cowardice, and bonds. On the contrary, love for heavenly things - for God and His holy law, for prayer, contemplation of God, abstinence, purity and chastity, mercy, meekness, gentleness, humility, patience - renews, enlightens, strengthens, beautifies a person. The Word about the Crouched Woman [Luke 13:10–17]. Theme: sin corrupts, humiliates, plunging into slavery [to passions], disfigures a person, and virtue gives him sincerity of soul and a cheerful appearance, makes him free, exalted, venerable. 19. I thank the Lord for the great and rich mercy shown to me through the prayer of repentance in church during Matins and early mass; I thank the Lord for my revival by the Divine Mysteries and for the victory over the spirits of malice, who incited me with great power to become angry with the poor and deaf old woman who undertook to bring a stranger’s child to communion, for her slowness. Grace broke the enemy and his power in me. I thank you for your pardon and the gift of peace, space, and boldness in the Council of Trustees through the prayer of my repentance for the bitterness and contempt of the beggars who persecuted me. The fragrance of incense means Christ the Savior, who fragrantly fragrant the human race, stinking with sins, and filled the whole earth with His fragrance through the Gospel preaching. The true bread that strengthens the heart and soul of a person is the grace of Christ, the Most Pure Body and Blood of the Lord, His holy word, fervent, fiery prayer. But ordinary food and drink, taken unnecessarily, out of whim and habit, relaxes the heart and paralyzes it. Glory to the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, which always quickens and strengthens the hearts of believers and those who pray. She is our greatest consolation in the world. Intercede, O Lord, save, have mercy and preserve us with Your grace. And from His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace, for the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ [John 1:16–17]. With numerous and various delights the devil confuses and draws our souls to sin: the charm of health and life, the charm of joy and tranquility, taken in a worldly, carnal sense, the charm of beautiful faces, the charm of pleasure, the charm of food and drink, the charm of money, contentment, luxury, the charm of awards and distinctions, vanity and ambition, the charm of fear and dread, the charm of envy or the well-being of one's neighbor, the charm of pride, malice, vengeance - in a word, with countless dreams or mirages, it inclines our poor souls to sin; and through the fear of fear and death, a person throughout his life is guilty of working with the enemy, working willy-nilly and against many different sins. But the truth and grace of the Lord Jesus Christ is stronger than the deception of the enemy and overcomes it; a believer can extinguish all the kindled arrows of the evil one. 20. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who sent me deliverance from the sorrow and oppression and shame that befell me after reading the Gospel, which I did not read through demonic fear (the cream spoiled me in fasting). Through [the ban won]. The Lord came to earth in order to lead us from corruption to incorruption, from sin to holiness. And for this, by the way, the commandment about fasting was given to us, so that we would bridle the belly, from which so many troubles came, raising little by little from corruption to incorruption, or from love for sensual pleasures to spiritual love for God and neighbor. So, remember that food is for the belly, and the belly is for food; but God will destroy both. The body is not for fornication, but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. God raised the Lord, and He will also raise us by His power [1.6:13–14]. The invisible enemy puts us to sleep or intensifies to put us to sleep through addiction to sensual pleasures and takes away the power of Christianity from our hearts, shakes faith, hope and love, or completely eradicates it in some; takes away the desire for repentance, meekness, humility, kindness, patience, purity and chastity, with which God is pleased and draws closer to man. And what kind of madness is it that I work for corruption and run away from incorruption, chasing sensual pleasures, and [move away] from God, the source of incorruption? For now I see how the grace of God is drying up in me from gluttony and delicacy, how the enemy is growing stronger over me, doing dirty tricks on me during public worship and outside it; He, like an evil wedge, penetrates into my heart, inducing coldness, powerlessness for good, despondency, embitterment, impatience, fear, lust, laziness, confusion. The enemy will take up the word from the heart, lest we be saved without faith [Luke 8:12]. But your wickedness, my enemy, will win, my Lord and Savior will win, and I will not be covetous and rude to you, my enemy. He, the Lord, will spare me. 20. After mass. I thank the Lord, who performed a miracle of healing and salvation with me during the reading of the Gospel about the contaminated woman [Luke 13:10–17]: I, extremely contaminated with many sins and the wiles of demons, the Lord healed me in an instant, like the contaminated woman, removed the sting of the devil, extinguished the fire of hell, and sent down blessed dew into my heart; He allowed me to perform the entire mass without stumbling, although with extreme internal struggle. He said a short word and glorified the Lord, His grace and mercy towards us sinners. After the all-night vigil. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His salvation at the beginning of the all-night vigil and before the litany, and after the blessing of the loaves, when the devil deprived me of the last words of prayer; I thank the Lord for his help in reading the Gospel. The fighter fought me fiercely. But the Lord is near, He can deliver me, and He can quickly hear me, crying out to Him with a heartfelt cry. Glory to the Lord! 21. I thank the Lord for restful and sound sleep and for the complete restoration of my strength! (In the evening I ate grapes, apples, a glass of milk with black bread due to my weakness.) All earthly beauty is decay or like the color on the grass, earth and ashes. It is absurd for a rational being, gifted with an immortal soul, to work through corruption and be seduced by it, to hunger for beauty for his own rough, carnal pleasure. We must cling with heartfelt love to God, the source of life, holiness and beauty - this love is holy, incorruptible, eternal, but carnal love is unclean, perishable, unworthy of man. The evil, vile and crafty demon every minute intensifies, due to his characteristic malice, abomination and wickedness, to defile the pure works of God in our thoughts, to defile the beautiful, to corrupt the imperishable, to turn simplicity into wickedness. Stay awake and stand firm, man, against his wickedness and do not be embarrassed by his dirty tricks, do not deign to his all the nasty thoughts that are planted in your soul. 21. After mass. Just before mass, today I suffered a strong defeat from the devil through the envy of my sexton in what they give him everywhere, especially for prayer services, and I write everything in a mug, from which he will again receive income in due time. Having wounded me and captivated me with envy, the enemy settled in my heart, and I could not drive him out during the entire mass: throughout the mass I tinkered with him in the most painful way, I was embarrassed, oppressed, disgraced, depressed to the point that I could not say prayers and exclamations as I should. And God allowed this to happen to me for breaking my fast and being fed up with milk in the evening; I felt extreme coarseness of my heart from the milk. So, breaking the fast led me to envy, greed (like the small prosphyra recently), cooling towards God, hostility towards a fellow sexton because of money. Here is your heavenly service! Here you have, instead of peace, confusion, shame, defeat! A post is needed, a post is required! But the Lord sends His generous gifts to both me and the sexton Tuna! God! We are Your threshing oxen: unite us with unfailing love. Give me the ability 81 to count money and love You and my neighbor. This is the only thing needed. Wake up! He himself, my sexton, admits that I give him too much. And the Lord is with him - why did I envy him in his lot? Is my share small? Satisfied and satisfied, not according to merit. Thank the Lord! Be gone, evil Belial! Oh, the absurdity of sin! The more satiated the flesh, the more it hungers, envyes, becomes poor, and begs! Moreover, he takes up arms against his neighbor and against God Himself! He is annoyed, he grumbles, he blasphemes, he is ungodly, he commits fornication, he blasphemes. It is good to rely on the Lord, and not on money. You cannot work for God and Mammon [Matthew 6:24]. How can a money lover work for God? He cannot, because he is jealous, stingy, hard-hearted towards his neighbor, and harbors hostility towards his partner. His neighbor becomes his enemy only because he receives as much profit as he does. A glutton cannot love God and his neighbor, for because of a sweet piece he often hates his neighbor, because he must share this piece with his neighbor. So, we must despise and crucify the flesh with its passions and lusts. Oh, how terribly the soul suffers because of the multi-passionate flesh! How he sins a lot and greatly, often and very often! Blessed are the saints, martyrs, hierarchs, apostles and all the saints who mortified the flesh and died to the world and its vanity! They are true sages! True servants of Christ! Images of God! Oh, how the soul is humiliated because of the flesh and carnal passions! How the image of God is desecrated through her! How by nature that which is sovereign is enslaved to its servant, the flesh. I thank the Lord for success in worship and for the wonderful revival of the Divine Mysteries and for success in the gymnasium. Man has a natural, ancestral pride, and it must be pacified more often - by bowing before the Lord, before His holy Angels and men, and before the elders and those in authority on earth. This is why and what bows, kneeling, and falling into the ground mean. A defiant man is a proud man. Yesterday I envied the sexton in his share, blind, greedy, voluptuous, selfish, prodigal, lazy, careless. But why should I receive it anymore? And how much more do I get? Five times. I get more than seventy rubles from the gymnasium alone, but from the cathedral? Up to a hundred. And the sexton? Just fifty rubles. But he is family-oriented, although I am not without large families. I have sinned and I repent. May I humble myself and be friendly to everyone. Truly you have humbled me, so that I may learn through your justification [Ps. 119:71]. Our flesh is already in an inflamed state of sin and countless passions, and we, crazy and careless, inattentive to ourselves, inflame it even more every day with various whims, delicacies, satiety, drunkenness, smoking tobacco, contemplation, luxury and panache in attire, gambling, shows, dances. With the abyss of sins we call forth a new abyss. In the church there is not a single image, not a single thing without depth of meaning and significance, without edification - everything teaches and edifies in it: burning candles, lamps, incense, every word and movement! Today I was very angry with a poor peasant from Arkhangelsk, who said he had been robbed and had nothing to go home with. I did not believe him and despised him, giving him only a ten-kopeck piece, for many beggars surround me every day. Because of my sin, I was wounded in my heart, my sin tormented me, I repented, prayed and received forgiveness from the Lord. I praise His goodness and mercy. 23. I thank the Lord, who magnified His mercy on me during the celebration of the Liturgy by delivering me from my passions and from my tightness and granting me forgiveness, peace, freedom, space, and boldness during the service of the Liturgy. I thank the Lord, who revived me with the wonderful, life-giving fire of the grace of the Holy Spirit through the communion of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who delivered me from the strong, terrible storm of Belial, which came upon me during Vespers, the beginning of which (the storm) began before Vespers in envy of the sexton’s wife (Zrelova), that she was beautiful, and dressed richly and gracefully, and of himself, that he dressed richly and was abundantly pleased with everything because of me. But that was crazy on my part. Meanwhile, the hellish envy and malice of the devil overpowered me so much that I was tormented by my brother’s happiness, and only through my torment and repentance, the consciousness of my untruth and prayer to God that He, the Lord, would dissolve the network of the enemy like a cobweb, I was freed from this torment. And the Lord broke the strength of my enemies. I calmed down and served Vespers calmly, except for the great and petitionary litanies, which are [...]! I thank the Lord for giving me boldness during the funeral service at Zaboeva in Nizhnyaya Shirokaya Street. Blessed be the name of the Lord from now on and forever [Ps. 112:2]. 24. God of miracles! I thank You for the miracles of Your mercy towards me, a great sinner, during the service of Matins (after drunkenness and satiety the day before at Ksenia Lvovna Nikitina’s) and the Liturgy, especially during the Liturgy, after the communion of the Holy Mysteries, which miraculously revived me; during the service of the memorial service at Zaboev’s and especially after it, when I was angry with sexton Zrelov for deception and treachery (I did not come to the memorial service because of drunkenness, although I promised to be sober) and after repentance I received forgiveness when I entered the sick Vasilyeva’s apartment and prayed to the Lord for forgiveness and peace; but the Lord showed me a special miracle of mercy, having mercy and reviving me, who died from the sin of hard-heartedness and beating a beggar (by the hair with both hands, at eight o’clock in the evening): when I came home, I heartily repented of my sin and convincingly begged the Lord to have mercy on me, as the Lord Himself taught me, and - oh, triumph! The bonds of death were broken and I came to life! Glory to the Lord, who has mercy on me! The Lord has forgiven me infinitely much out of the abyss of His mercy and His love for me, and I must love Him with the utmost love. Wake up! Anyone who is angry with his neighbor for some misdeed, according to Saint Maximus the Confessor, does not have love 83. But I am angry, damned, and have not yet learned meekness, kindness, love, patience. Pray not superficially, but with all your heart, from the depths of your soul, reach yourself, with your reflection, to the basis of every thought, every verbal expression in prayers, why it is said exactly this way and exactly what you should do. Then your prayer will be reasonable, heartfelt, life-giving, filled with light and grace; it will give you deep spiritual pleasure, peace and joy. Then you will love her more than anything in the world. And superficial prayer, as unfruitful, leads to boredom, yawning and reluctance. 26. I thank the Lord for the great help and deliverance from ethereal enemies during the service in the church and outside the service after refusing two beggars for drunkenness. 27. I am Alpha and Omega, the beginning and the end, says the Lord, who is and who was and who is to come, the Almighty [Rev. 1:8]. The beginning and end of the service is the Lord, Whom we glorify throughout the duration of the service with our unworthy lips. But the disembodied enemy in our hearts tries to be the beginning and the end, that is, at the beginning, and during the continuation, and at the end of the service, he tries to confuse us with some sin and stop us and nestle in our hearts in order to torment us, for example, through absent-mindedness, demonic fear, through addiction to something worldly. May the Lord be the alpha and omega of all our thoughts, desires, aspirations - our peace, light, strength, joy, grace, spiritual wealth. Yesterday, at the very end of the all-night vigil, the evil one burst into my heart through my lack of faith when saying the dismissal of the all-night vigil: I wanted to pronounce the names of all the saints of the day and the church ones and was afraid of the fear of the enemy. Through me, a man of little faith and passion, the adversary blasphemes the saints of God, not allowing me to pronounce such honorable names with my foul lips. This all-world bastard cruelly wounded me and created an evil inflammation in me; Having left the church, I, walking in solitude, repented and prayed about my sin, asking for forgiveness and healing from the Lord, and I soon received it. He, the accursed one, always stops me at the great entrance, not allowing me to pronounce the names of the highest persons - such malice, such deceit, such an abomination! Am I ashamed of people in God’s work?! Have faith in Jesus Christ our Lord of glory, regardless of appearances [James 2:1]! Do I now seek to please man or God? During the censing of the throne, the royal doors, icons and people yesterday, the Lord sent me sublime feelings. Oh, how our Lord honored and elevated the human race, becoming man and deifying our nature, raising it above all heavenly ranks, seating it and seating it on the throne of the Divine! What a fragrance did His incarnation fill the earth with, a land that had become so stinking from human iniquities, filth, and sin! And we, unworthy, seem to not want to understand our dignity, our bliss and live unworthy of our title, in various passions, in laziness and negligence. I thank the Lord, who made me worthy to receive life-giving communion and partake of the Holy Mysteries to twelve women and one man on Saturday, November 26th. My Lady, Most Holy Theotokos, teach me to live according to Your image of humility and purity and devotion to the will of God. When I look at Your most pure image, Lady, give me this grace to think and feel. The Holy Church is the beginning of our life, enlightening, sanctifying, cleansing, strengthening, comforting. We are surrounded and penetrated daily by the darkness of passions and the vanity of life, blinding us to the point that we lose sight of the goal of our life, a goal so important that the whole world stands nothing before it. In addition, we are defiled every day and hour by a multitude of sins that kill our souls, and the element, the vital principle of our soul, created in the image and likeness of God, is holiness. Where can I get it? Who will give it to a person? – One Church, possessing all the treasures of sanctification and salvation. We are naturally weak from various sins, sorrows, illnesses - who will heal and console us? – The Holy Church, in which lies countless consolation both in the entire liturgical structure, and especially in the Holy Scriptures, in the Holy Sacraments, in the lives of the saints. In the Church all strength is for life and piety [2.1:3]. 27. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who saved me in the apartment of Spiridon Pavlov and Spiridon Danilovich Antsov before prayer services from heartache, and especially during the liturgy, when they said that the archpriest did not write money into the mug on two holidays. I repented and received forgiveness from the Lord. Then the Lord saved me in Ogludin’s apartment in the house of Tsepov and Lieutenant Captain 85 Burachok before baptism. 28. I thank the Lord, who raised me up completely healthy, cheerful, calm from sleep after yesterday’s labors and good conversation with Pavel Stepanovich Burachok and after his healthy, lean, excellently tasty and fresh meal. And the air in my room contributed partly to this. I slept sweetly after my labors. (He satisfied the beggars with alms.) To the Lord who has had mercy on me many times this day, glory, glory, glory! Before the prayer to the mother [...] Alexandra Stepanovna (he is Pyotr Pavlovich), her heart was full of sorrow, oppression, shame, fear from grief at the archpriest for stealing brotherly money. I prayed heartily to the Lord on my knees, and everything passed. When reading prayers to the mother in labor, I missed a few words and names out of fear of demons, and again there was sorrow and cramped conditions. Upon leaving, he again raised the eye of his heart to the all-seeing Eye in repentance - and again he was healed. Then, returning from searching for the archpriest, I found a beggar who was chasing me; I told him to go back, not wanting him to pursue me, and when he did not want to do this, I shouted in anger to the policeman, and the beggar left. I felt bad again. I increased my misfortune by reluctantly giving a ten-kopeck piece to another beggar and saying words of lack of faith: a thousand of you come to me, where can I dress you, put shoes on you, feed you? But God is able to feed thousands. There is fornication in milk and cream: I ate a little cream to lighten my chest, and then I got a flash of fornication. Sweets are a sin. The fast must be observed urgently. Those who are Christ's are the flesh crucified with its passions and lusts [Gal.5:24]. Forgive me, Lord, my lust. I thank the Lord, who listened to me: when I was on the stairs to the archpriest in cramped conditions and confusion and raised my heart’s eye in repentance to the All-Seeing Eye, I immediately received forgiveness, freedom, peace and spoke peacefully and lovingly with the archpriest by the grace of God. God bless! 29. Morning. There is tightness in my heart, longing, sorrow from yesterday’s intemperance at the merchant Sizov’s name day: I ate more sardines, herring, and fresh fish than was proper, and especially because I broke my fast with cream at home before breaking my fast: it became extremely difficult, I could not study; Moreover, my heart is tight because I have not satisfied the poor in everything. Have mercy on me in everything, O innumerable Grace, and be patient with me. I need to eat extremely little and extremely light food, but I, crazy, eat a lot and heavy food to the detriment of my soul and body, depriving myself of God’s grace, damned one; eat nothing today for tomorrow's church festival. Father Superior received me very kindly yesterday and my comments about [failure] for him to write money into the mug. The Lord God arranged everything for good; I prayed to Him, the Lord, on the stairs of the archpriest - suddenly everything was arranged by the Most Good, the Benevolent One. Having living faith in God, I have the key to peace, contentment, joy, bliss of heart, to deliverance from sins, sorrows, oppression, illnesses, I am blessed and blessed by my faith in God. I don’t feel good, it’s hard, sad, gloomy - I will repent, I will earnestly pray to the Lord, and my heart will become light, calm, content and cheerful. Do you have the treasure of faith? If not, try to buy it: without it, life on earth is difficult. For the future, I have a lesson from attending dinners: what am I looking for in them? Pleasing the flesh to the detriment of the soul and body and depriving the grace of God? Madly, boldly against God, who, out of ineffable goodness and mercy, gives me His merciful, cleansing, sanctifying, enlightening, pacifying, healing, alleviating, and uplifting grace. Oh, how good is abstinence! How light, how calm your soul is, how light, warm and cheerful! 29. I thank the Lord, the All-Seeing Eye, for the Unmanly I admired 86 my heart’s eye in grief and spiritual distress and in the confusion and fear brought to me by the devil; I was repeatedly and quickly, clearly saved by my Lord. This was the case in the director’s apartment and before the prayer service (which, however, was served by Father Pavel Damanov), and this was even more striking before and after. Tomorrow write down places where to go with a cross. Pavel Alek called. Buest, riot (Church glory) - stupidity, madness (from buii - unreasonable, ignorant). Vynu (Church Glav.) - always. Prayer to the Most Holy Theotokos “I sing of Thy grace...” from the sequence of morning prayers. Work (church glory) – slavery. Slyachenny (Church Slavic) – hunched over, crouched. Umet (Church Slavic) – droppings, manure. Prezelny (Church Glav.) – the strongest, most abundant. “Love for God and true love for others are inseparable and require each other. And whoever has hatred in his heart for his neighbor is alien to the love of God” (see St. Maximus the Confessor. On love. 1st centenary, §§ 15, 28, 33, 55). Honest (church glory) - worthy. Lieutenant-Commander is the highest rank of junior officer in the navies of some countries; in Germany and Russia it corresponds to an army captain. In the old days, it was also an army military rank, below the rank of captain. Literally, “deputy captain” (as the commander of a ship or company). In the Russian army and engineering troops - chief officer rank X class, IX class in artillery, VIII class in the guard in the Table of Ranks until 1730. In 1730–1798 he was called captain-lieutenant, then - staff captain; corresponds to a modern senior lieutenant. In the Russian Navy - junior staff officer rank VIII class, corresponding to the rank of army major. Introduced in 1713 and existed until 1884. It was restored on June 9, 1907 and abolished again on December 6, 1911. Delight (Church Glav.) – meaning to exalt, raise to a height.