Сентябрь 1877 года

September 2. I thank the Lord, who covered my sins with His mercy for a small repentance and gave me the grace to perform the Liturgy without stumbling in the Assumption Church (in the Duma) with tenderness. At the beginning, the thought of earthly reward embarrassed me - before mass and at the beginning of mass at the proskomedia, but when I remembered that the Lord of glory endured dishonor and suffering in this adulterous and sinful world, I became ashamed of my ambition, I recognized my nakedness, poverty, damnation, poverty, and that the best thing for me was always constant repentance and asking for mercy from God. Lord, have mercy, for we, constant sinners, daily deserve the wrath of God with our arbitrary sins. I solemnly received the Holy Mysteries with a joyful spirit. The class went well. There was tightness in my right side all the time. Having come home and seeing my beautiful apples among the children, I felt sorry for them, was stingy, greedy, senseless and selfish, for which I was greatly hurt by the demons that had tormented me for a long time - rightly so. This stinginess and displeasure, anger at those who took my fruits without asking, reveals my greed, sinful addiction to the flesh, to its pleasures, to the earth, to corruption, shows the very low level of my spiritual life! I should have rejoiced at the joy of the children who saw with pleasure good apples on their table. This would be a sign that I have a kind soul, loving, not chained to the earth, loving God and neighbor above all else. After the christening at sexton Zrelov's at seven o'clock in the evening, which I performed magnificently by the grace of God, I became carried away by my appetite and ate enough of Polish bread with herring and sardines, and as a result I became burdened and could not sleep. Oh, my greed! When will I leave her and become abstinent? When will I stop being an idolater every day? Oh, science 38 is evil! Oh, evil skill! Oh, wordless life 39! Long-suffering Lord! How great is Your long-suffering on me, a sinner! To acquire a good, soft heart, completely imbued with love for God and neighbor, not bound by any everyday vanity, is the greatest good, the only one needed. Everything that smolders, confuses, kills the soul is vanity. The desire for distinctions and rewards is vanity, for it shows in the desirer pride and self-love, ignorance of himself, his wretchedness, his poverty. 3. Peace and love are most precious. Today, a storm unexpectedly occurred because of me, although without my fault. I sent half of the watermelon, grapes, and pies sent to me as a gift to my nephew Ivan Vasilyevich Fidelin in honor of my sister-in-law. Because of this, my dear sister-in-law Anna Konstantinovna Tsvetkova got furious, armed her children against me and became completely angry. I was also upset in spirit. God! Look at us and judge for yourself [Ps.42:1]. You know, this widow harbors so much malice towards my nephew, because of her I refused him to stay with me, because there was no way for him to live with me due to her curses and malice and I was confused by her and the servant. And now she breathes malice towards the absent man and towards me together. How long, Lord, will this be? Instead of thinking of telling me to send gifts to my nephew, she becomes even more embittered with both him and me and puts her and her children’s contentment in the table, room and other blessings of life at nothing. God! Inspire her yourself, instruct her yourself to honor me according to my heritage. Humble her pride, crush her malice, her guile, her cunning, her dirty tricks. I entrust myself and her and her children to you. Amen. Otherwise, 41 let her go, Lord, having punished her: she doesn’t know what she’s doing, or she doesn’t want to know. I thank the Lord, who allowed great temptations to befall me because of yesterday’s gluttony and my satiety after the christening at the sexton Zrelov’s. It was especially difficult for me because of an upset stomach from sardines, which I ate quite a bit. Mass was difficult due to a nervous breakdown. I thank the Lord, who instilled affection in the brainchild of Elizabeth, my goddaughter, and gave me a towel to wipe my face and hands. Glory to the Lord, who comforts me. Provençal oil and sardines have spoiled all my blood, which can be seen on my dark purple face. September 4. Resurrection. Morning. Six o'clock. There is no doubt that yesterday I was the culprit of evil on the part of sister Anna Tsvetkova; my zeal to send gifts to my nephew, taking away from my sister-in-law (although she is truly fed up with the children every day), was not from God, but from the devil, as well as my vanity or running to the house of those who treated me. It would have been better for me to buy gifts for my nephew and leave what I brought home at home. But forgive me, Lord, my sin and destroy all the evil that was in my house because of me, destroy it by Thy mercy and Thy generosity, by Thy innumerably strong power and turn it for good, as a lesson for my sister Anna, so that she may know her insane pride, malice and self-will, and for me, let me not place any further stumbling blocks on the path of this sister or anyone else, but Equally, let me do good to everyone, both evil and good, like the Heavenly Father, who is good to the graceless and evil [Luke 6:35]. Amen. Deliver me from all worldly evil things and the devil's haste 42. What kind of haste? The devil is usually impatient, hastening to all evil and hastens a person to all evil - malice, envy, ambition, quarrel, gluttony, gluttony, drunkenness, theft, lies, deceit and all evil; Observing events in the world, in states, societies, cities, villages, families, you soon notice how the all-world enemy is in a hurry to do evil everywhere, hurries with gigantic steps, knowing that he does not have much time left. Let us be careful at every hour of every sin, seeing the plans of the evil one, as yesterday in my house on my sister Anna, who is often his instrument, and on me, for I am not free from the devil’s haste for evil, for sin. Lord, through the prayers of the Mother of God and all the saints, save us from all evil. In the church, due to the devilish haste of the readers in reading and singing, it happens that a majestic, holy, heavenly, edifying, instructive and touching divine service either leaves little or no impression on those who are to come, because it is performed heartlessly, without the participation of reason, in the air, and not for the listeners. Sin is a disease, acute, quickly engulfing a person’s entire being, contagious; we must pray for the sinner, that the most merciful Lord will deliver him from this plague that is destroying the human race, for except God no one can deliver from it (my sister-in-law and me). I thank the Lord, who extinguished the flame of enmity in sister Anna Tsvetkova and the hostility in my heart. Great and all-saving is the name of the Lord - I knew this this time too. Let me remember the admonition of the Church every day: Let us commemorate our Most Holy, Most Pure, Most Blessed, Glorious Lady Theotokos and Ever-Virgin Mary with all the saints, and let us commend ourselves and each other and our whole life to Christ our God - and may I commend myself with all that is with me, and my household to Christ God. He is the Head, He is the Judge and the Punisher, He is the reward. May I remember my gratitude and readiness for the services of sister Anna Ts. in times of peace and friendship, and may I not irritate her, knowing the flammability of her character, pride, intransigence, and vindictiveness. Heal her, Lord! Open her heart's eyes: You, Lord, have enriched her with intelligence and many spiritual gifts. Correct it and complete it, for all things are possible for You. May her goodness, which is in an immortal, rational soul in the image of God, not perish because of the evil that the devil has planted in her. Amen. Sincerely wish the best for everyone, even for your enemy, and you will captivate the hearts of everyone, including your very enemies, transforming them into the grace of God that is in you. Let there not be a shadow of enmity in you towards anyone, do not be a devil for even a moment of time: whoever is at enmity is the devil. Respect every person and you will be respected by everyone. If you have the power and are forced to punish the faulty and malicious, punish with love and meekness, and those punished will love you. The brightest and reddest face of our Lord Jesus Christ, brighter than the sun, is beautifully depicted in the akathist to Him, and the face of the Most Holy Trinity is in the akathist to the Holy Trinity. Read more often, be touched, cleanse yourself; give thanks, praise, pray, be saved. The Mother of God is the priceless treasure of humanity: in Her and through Her, the Immaculate One, all the gifts of God have been poured out on us by God. Oh, indescribable beauty, Lady! Oh, our unspeakable glory! And in the Lord Jesus Christ is the whole abyss of good things. September 4. Twelve o'clock at night. I thank the Lord for the great mercy shown to me, a sinner, during the service of the liturgy in the Duma Assumption Church: for tears of tenderness, for boldness, for deliverance from my sins, for irrigation with grace, for fruitful, life-giving, peaceable communion, for pronouncing with boldness the words of the Most Reverend Gregory 43. I thank the Lord for the beautifully performed Sacrament of Baptism with Mr. Tolbukhin. Glory to Thee, God my Benefactor and Helper! (But after the christening I was full [of the loaf]. I repent to the Lord again.) September 5. I thank the Lord for His inexpressibly great mercies, revealed to me on this day during the early liturgy: dead from sins (from satiety yesterday), He revived me for a small repentance, gave me life-giving tears of tenderness, peace and spaciousness to my soul, and made me worthy to partake of the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving way. Christ humbled Himself to the level of a slave, to a position in a dumb manger, while we rise up, are proud, and desire to become higher than others in ranks and orders. What is this life like? We are real pagans, self-praising, proud. September 6. I thank the Lord, who revived me, deadened by sins, and gave me the grace to perform the Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the most pure and life-giving Mysteries. Thanks be to the Lord, who through my prayer gave me the word for the renewal of the church, composed in good order, gracious, strong, flowing. I thank the Lord, who gives me joy in my successes for the glory of His name. September 7. Wednesday. I thank the Lord, who has honored me with the bliss of celebrating the liturgy and partaking of the life-giving Mysteries. He served with boldness and without stumbling. Tonight. To Philip Stepanov, a reasonable Kronstadt merchant from the peasantry, hospitable on the day of his Angel (once a year and on the day of the service of the all-night vigil in his house), to whom we are very attentive, sending him every festive mass of prosphyra and blessed bread at the all-night vigil of great holidays. Grant me, Lord, the grace to celebrate the festive all-night vigil without stumbling in the church and at Stepanov’s home. Grant me to celebrate the all-night vigil with dignity and independence, peacefully, without stumbling. He did not oblige me to anything, and I do not owe him anything in order to subservience to him. A priest must be far from any human fear. His gaze should be clear, like light, pure, firm, like his faith. I thank the Lord for delivering me from the waves of Belial that washed over me at litia and for giving me the inner prayer of repentance, hot, with tears. He read the exclamations and the prayer without stumbling, but during the blessing of the loaves while reading the prayer he did not utter the words: bless and sanctify, due to the machinations of the demon, but when reading the Gospel he was confused and confused when reading the words: behold, as if it were quick (Luke 1:44]... to his shame. For a long time there was oppression, shame, sorrow, which through long prayer drove away internally. At Philip Stepanov's he served the all-night vigil and prayer service kindly, with fear. I sinned when I spoke the bitter truth about Archpriest Pavel Vasilyevich Trachevsky with bitterness, contempt and gloating at Philip Stepanov’s table. I repent of this and pray to the Lord to cleanse my sin and consign it to oblivion, and not lead me into temptation for condemnation. September 8th. After mass. Today, through my prayer, the Lord performed great, victorious miracles in me at the beginning of the liturgy (proskomedia), delivering me from the murderous breath of Belial, which killed my spirit with the desire for an earthly reward (order of the third degree) and falling away from the Lord, from faith, hope and love; the second time before reading a prayer for the victory of the Russians over the Turks (I read the prayer perfectly by God’s grace) and finally before communion, when the enemy poured hostility into the heart of the little singer, who had been dragging out the finals for a long time. I thank the Lord, who healed my headache through falling before the holy life-giving throne, through serving the liturgy and communion of the Holy Mysteries. September 8th. I thank the Lord for the gift of tenderness and tears, for the unfailing service of the liturgy and for preaching the gospel with the power of His many words (sermon on the Nativity of the Mother of God by Eugene, Archbishop of Pskov) 44. September 9th. God! I intend to go to the capital: bless and protect me on the journey forward and back and do what needs to be done. Amen. Wake up, wake up. After early mass. I suffered severely morally from yesterday's satiety with meat (there is no need to eat it): the attack of the enemy of the devil on me today [at Matins], and even during mass, is the most furious, impetuous, murderous, and all through an addiction to earthly glory and honor, through anger at the reader for a trifle (let us set aside concern 45). But where sin multiplied, there the grace of God abounded [Rom. 5:20] and the Lord surprised me with His great powers, delivering me for repentance from the fierce temptations of the enemy and the cruel violence of the demons. The ministry of the priest is heavenly, the ministry of immeasurable glory, the ministry of incorruptibility and immortality; he must despise earthly honor, glory, earthly wealth, earthly beauty, sweetness; for him everything is in God, and woe to him if he seeks imaginary blessings for himself outside of God: he will deservedly suffer soul and body from his madness for preferring earthly blessings to heavenly ones; true, eternal - dreamy, false, disappearing blessings. The divine services of our Orthodox Church in daily, weekly, annual services have the goal of depicting in general or detailed outlines the entire course of the economy of our salvation from the beginning of the world and the human race until now until the end of the age and the wonderful works of God in the world and in the human race, the endless goodness, holiness, truth, wisdom, faithfulness and omnipotence of God in all the works of God regarding man, created according to the image and likeness of God. Thus, Vespers depicts the goodness, wisdom and omnipotence of God in the creation of the world and man, the bliss of man, the fall of man, God’s promise of his redemption through the incarnation of the Son of God, preparation through prophecy and foreshadowing for the reception of the Redeemer and the appearance of the Redeemer. The morning service depicts the miracles of God's economy in the Old Testament from Moses to the coming of the Redeemer, the miracles of the New Testament economy in the saints of God, finally the liturgy puts the Lord of the New Testament in the whole world, His love for mankind, His truth, righteousness, fidelity to His promise, depicts His entire life, His Last Supper. She is the sun in full radiance. 10. I thank the Lord, who has shown great mercy to me even on this day through the service of the Liturgy with tenderness and tears, I thank the Lord for the stumbling-free service and for the life-giving communion of the Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate the all-night vigil with tenderness and a clear, loud voice. At the end of the all-night vigil, the Lord delivered me from cramped conditions. September 11th. He served early mass, firstly, with a chill after changing his linen, and secondly, at the end of the liturgy, in embarrassment at Father Deacon Sofronov; was an easy toy of the devil due to gluttony from the evening (sweet tea with cream, sherry, apples). Confusion and cramped conditions passed already on the ship to St. Petersburg, after internal prayer. We were with the headman in Pavlovsk with Grand Duke Constantine. I thank the Lord, who showed me help in the conversation with the Grand Duke and his wife and made them kind and kind to me, as I asked the Lord. I thank the Lord, who is kind and quick to obey me, weak in spirit and body. Invite the director of the gymnasium. 12. Monday. During proskomedia, there is an extremely difficult temptation from earthly addictions (all for rewards). I think the time has come, but how will they refuse? But the Lord conquered by grace through my repentance. He served Mass cheerfully, without stumbling. Church history is a living, visual proof of the redemption of the human race by the Redeemer who came to earth, promised to the first people, proof by the very deeds, persons, events, the power of Christian love, invincible courage and firmness amid torment for the faith, countless miracles, the wondrous renewal that took place within Christians, their selflessness, contempt for the world and all its sweets and beauties, all the glory and wealth of the world. The Christian faith has given birth to countless saints, both glorified and obvious, and hidden and known to one God. What unity in the sacred history of the Old and New Testaments and in church history! What agreement! Daily, weekly and annual worship is an image of this unity and harmony of sacred biblical and church history and God's wondrous plan for the salvation of mankind, wisely fulfilled and being fulfilled and destined to be fulfilled until the end of the age. Let him be holy still [Rev. 22:11], for all God's powers for life and godliness are given to us by the grace of God [2.1:3]. Depict this in the science of worship. 13. I thank the Lord, who has given me the joy of participating in the bishop’s service and seeing the beauty of His church renewed, expanded and decorated by the God-loving church patron Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin. 14. For the sake of the suffering and death on the Cross of our sinless and all-holy lover, our Lord and God and Savior Jesus Christ, the Cross was imparted from him who suffered and died on it (according to the merits of the Lord) life-giving and saving power forever, and we, in all justice, honor the life-giving Cross of the Lord as miraculous. 15. I thank the Lord, who has vouchsafed me to participate in concelebration with the bishop, archimandrites and archpriests, and who has revived me through the communion of His Holy Mysteries. I thank the Lord, who daily restores my bodily strength through beneficial, life-giving sleep: in the evening I am often very weak, for example from wine, or during the day, and after sleep I am cheerful and healthy. Continuously and in every possible way do good to us, O Lord our God, and especially in that you forgive and cleanse our sins in our repentance and give life to us, corrupted by our sins. Who is a great god like our God? You are the God who works miracles [Ps.76:14–15]. I thank the Lord, who heard us, three priests, about the sick Nadezhda, the servant of God, the wife of Priest Vasily, and who healed her for one prayer, offered with faith and boldness: Holy Father, Physician of souls and bodies 46, and for the sake of her communion of the Holy Mysteries of Christ. September 16. I thank the Lord, who saved me by His name and the sign of the life-giving Cross from voluptuous dreams. Glory to Thee, Lord, guardian of incorruption! 16. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these (external) things will be added to you [Matthew 6:33]. Today I wished for the award of the Order of St. Anne of the third degree and was extremely embarrassed, hurt, and fell into trouble. But when I repented of this madness, of my vanity, and realized, felt that I needed to seek not this, but the truth of God in my heart, thoughts, in all feelings and movements, in all actions, then the Lord suddenly took death away from my insides and gave life. I praise the Lord. I thank the Lord, who has deigned me to serve the liturgy together with my father, the archpriest, and to partake of the uncondemned life-giving Mysteries for health, purification and sanctification. I thank the Lord for the streams of life flowing from His most pure ribs. I thank the Lord, who has repeatedly delivered me from the cruel wiles of the demons. If you reprove a sinner, reprove him with love and meekness, and not with irritation, malice and gloating or with exaltation, and soon you will benefit him with the grace of Christ. Denunciation with pride and gloating only irritates, increases evil, but love creates. When I did this to myself, I immediately felt a change: hellish fire and oppression disappeared, and their place was taken by fertile dew, peace, and freedom. Glory to the Lord! Regarding Anna Konstantinovna’s feud with me. Glory to Thee, Lord! 17. Apparently, such is the fate of benefactors, so that those who have been blessed, in case of the slightest displeasure with them, that is, those who have been blessed, immediately take on a defiant appearance, speak defiant words with impudence and display defiant actions, in a word, so that they now declare real war. This is what my wife’s sister Anna does to me, whose children have been raised by me from the cradle, contented, cherished, and satiated. Judge, O Lord, Himself those who offend me, overcome those who fight me [Ps.34:1]. How long will this idle and idle Anna be with me? God! Enlighten the eyes of her heart and let her see the ugliness of her deeds, her rebellion, her war against me, which she is waging for nothing with my servant and her Anna, who is just as daring as she. Grant me, Lord, to learn kindness, generosity, meekness, patience, equanimity in the face of insults, faults, mistakes and the anger of my neighbors towards me, and not always repay evil with evil, but with good for evil. Wake up! God! I also consider myself not innocent of my sister Anna’s malice and dirty tricks towards me yesterday; I am guilty of the fact that, without love, I reproachfully said (to a stranger who came to me) about Anna Konstantinovna that my wife has been living in St. Petersburg for a very long time and her sister, that is, Anna Konstantinovna, lives with me because of her sore hand, and with secret gloating or contempt 47 I said how she broke her hand, but I should have said this with sincere regret, with love, with condolences. This is my fault, my wickedness! And my absences from dinner and tea are also my fault. I repent to the Lord and ask for mercy for myself and my sister. I see the sins of others, but often I don’t see my own; I blame others instead of blaming myself. Why are you looking at a branch... [Matthew 7:3]. 17. After early mass. I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance and made me worthy to perform the Divine Liturgy without stumbling and to partake victoriously and life-giving of the Divine Mysteries into peace, space and freedom and joy. I thank the Lord, who granted me victory over invisible and visible enemies and who reconciled my sister-in-law Anna, as I prayed to the Lord. God! Protect my priest Vladimir from the unrighteous persecution of the archpriest. September 18. Resurrection. I thank the Lord, who has now performed in me great miracles of mercy, strength in reflection from my heart, from the soul and from all my inner strengths 48 of the evil, nasty forces that confused and oppressed me, and through the communion of His Holy Mysteries, crowned me with a complete victory over them, so that I read the prayer behind the pulpit heartily and with the power of grace, and at dismissal I said the names of all the saints, and the prayer service with the blessing of water before the Iveron Icon of the Mother of God, he performed it heartily and without stumbling, with the power of grace. At the great entrance, the enemy relaxed and confused my heart, and I, a great sinner, did not pronounce all the names - the heiress and their son, but for repentance the Lord forgave me. For everything I thank the Lord, who continually shows mercy and judgment over me. I will sing to You of mercy and judgment, O Lord [Ps.100:1]! It was easy to serve in the church because the windows in the dome were open and there was free air within the area on the eve of the service. I sinned before the Lord, before people and before myself, by greedily eating boiled and fried meat with cucumbers during lunch and drinking a glass of milk, which was an unusual excess for me. Because of this, at two christenings, my heart and flesh were raging with sensuality and lust - only a prayer of repentance saved me in the first case (at the first christening): the lustful irritation was extremely strong. Oh, I don’t eat meat or milk, and I don’t drink except when necessary. Help, Lord! At other christenings, at the end, I thought about the merchant [T...] and about taking from him an arshin of damask or two vershoks of velvet for nothing, in addition to the surplice that I ordered for him, and for this the enemy took me prisoner and pressed me for a long time. By repentance he overcame him - the grace of God drove him away. 20. We are waiting for the Minister of Public Education, Count Dimitry Andreevich Tolstoy 50, to go to the gymnasium for the first time, with fear and joy. God! You know me yesterday and today, and from the time I was conceived in my mother’s womb, according to Your will and Your all-perfect word; You grew, educated, enlightened, guided, had mercy on me, and were immeasurably lenient with me in my weaknesses and stumblings and falls, especially when I warmly repented of them. And now, Lord, Lord my God, be merciful and gracious to me when he visits the gymnasium, in which, by Thy grace, I have been teaching the law to Thy youths for fifteen years now, the distinguished visitor, Thy servant, Minister of Public Education Dimitri Andreevich Tolstoy; open the minds, hearts and lips of our rulers, teachers and students to praise You Himself from the lips of these babies, may we all give a good answer to him, may the hearts of everyone be comforted, and Your servant Count Demetrius, and his companions, and his assistants, and Your servants: director Peter, inspector Nikolai, the teachers of the gymnasium and the heart of my unworthiness, and show everyone prosperous, so that no one will be put to shame by us for the sake of their sins. Be merciful, O Lord, to our untruths, to our omissions, whether we have committed them willingly or unwillingly, and let us make no one guilty. Yes, Lord, Lord! Do not burden us with the visit of Your servant Count Demetrius, you placed him at such a height and in such power and dignity, speak good things in his heart about us all, and may he propose, according to Your will, questions that can be resolved. Amen, amen, amen! You have always, O Master Lord, been abundantly merciful, obedient and gracious, fulfilled the requests of my heart to my surprise and thanksgiving and glorification of Your revered name - and now we know, Lord, that You have surprised Your mercy on us and made us bold, prosperous and joyful in visiting our high visitor with his companions. Wake up! I thank the Lord, who accepted my repentance for my self-love, for stinginess, covetousness, voluptuousness, pride, ambition, malice, envy, insolence, carnality, the fruit of which today was the reluctant giving of alms to one poor man, who asked me for money in addition to the given nickel; I threw him another five kopecks with annoyance and impudence, impatiently. They say: maintain presence of mind in dangers, in illnesses, in failures, when visiting dignitaries. 20. What clean air is to the body, so is the grace of the Holy Spirit to the soul; the body needs clean air, the soul even more needs the shrine of the Holy Spirit. Tomorrow the Lord calls me to serve the early liturgy. I thank the Lord with all my heart and with all my being for this heavenly, life-giving gift, for the sacrifice of righteousness and offering on His holy altars. This greatest mercy of God, the greatest bliss on earth, is true life. I thank You, Lord, who created me in Your image and likeness. 21. Look how hospitable Abraham was, how he looked out for strangers passing by his home, went out to meet them, bowed to them, eagerly invited them to his house, washed their feet, treated them, caressed them and sent them on their way in peace; how unlike you live to the forefather Abraham! And yet you bear the rank of priest of the New Testament! Imitate Abraham in love and hospitality. Go out to the gates of the church house and look out for the poor and strangers and supply them with diligence and willingness with the necessary money and things and you will earn the great mercy of the Master and God. 22. Yesterday, while serving the early liturgy, my heart turned out to be extremely weak, fearful, and at the great entrance the evil serpent weakened my heart and frightened me, so that I could not pronounce the names of the royal family. But then, I thank the Lord, grace came to help, and I served with warmth and without stumbling, and received life-giving communion. Glory to God's mercy! First of all, remember, the Lord said everything. Why am I relaxing? From gluttony and drinking wine and strong drink (porter), which I drank last night at Nikolai Mikhailovich Semenov’s. One means to strengthen the heart in God is constant abstinence and fasting with prayer. Give, Lord! The dream, which foreshadowed confusion 52 in the students, came true in the sixth grade. And I was forced to act harshly with some students - Deploransky and Klimentyev. The latter repented. The human heart is a treasury of good and evil, terribly mixed together and fighting with each other every day; sometimes good overcomes evil through human repentance and increased good activity, and sometimes - alas! evil defeats good and exposes a person to great shame, grief, and disaster. Therefore, we must constantly suppress and eradicate evil in ourselves. We think little about the terrible, bright and revealed day of Judgment, when the Judge of all will come and announce the advice of the heart, and therefore we live carelessly, carelessly, in gluttony and drunkenness, covetousness, ambition, impurity. As a servant of Christ and His Church, always be a preacher of His immeasurable mercy and His infinitely great merits before the Heavenly Father for people, instilling trust in His merits and mercy, and firmly trust in them yourself, doing deeds worthy of repentance. Especially instill hope in faint-hearted sinners, especially during their illness in view of approaching death and God’s unwashed judgment, also when singing over the dead. Do not be faint-hearted and do not be in the least afraid of the devil, for the enemy usually tries to frighten us. 23. I thank the Lord, who is obedient, for the grace of the unfaltering service of a memorial service in Kvitkin’s apartment for his mother-in-law Evdokia Dobrokhotova yesterday on the 22nd. God willing, it will be the same today. Today the intention came to me not to eat meat for moral success and to please the Lord. If the Lord's blessing is on this, I am ready not to eat. There is a blessing - there is no. Grant, Lord! The widow, my wife’s sister Anna K. Tsvetkova, did the utmost insolence: she stole a letter from father Alipy Kudryavin, and when I began to insistently demand that I find it (for she was alone at home and took the letter), she became embittered, and when she put it on the table, and I thanked her for the find, she angrily and insolently locked herself in, that she had not planted it, and began to shout at me that I I slandered her, and began to call upon me God’s punishment! Oh, morally blind widow from pride and malice, unbridled, deceitful, ungrateful (only outwardly showing signs), flattering, cunning, like a demon! God! Enlighten the eyes of her heart and soften her heart, arouse in her ardent repentance, give her bitter tears, so that she may be satisfied with them and be cleansed and come to her senses! She and her children live on misfortune. She indignates against me, the owner of the house and the nourisher of the whole house (sister, children and servants); she indignates, I say, the servants and slanders me against her. Lord, my witness! This is extremely painful and regrettable to me. Lord, feed the widow with tears in moderation, so that she may come to her senses and correct herself, and may she not perish in her bitterness, in her pride and malice and in her lies. I thank the Lord for His signs and wonders, miracles of goodness, truth and power, revealed in me through my repentance and calling on His sweetest name: He delivered me from hellish oppression and sorrow, reconciled me with my sister-in-law and her with me. The Lord taught me active truth: to love my enemies, to bless those who curse, to do good to those who hate, and to pray for those who offend [Luke 6:27–28]. For otherwise we will not be reconciled with them and with God and with ourselves, but we will always be tormented by our sins. From now on I won’t eat meat. And God, and reason, and the word of God, and experience tell me this. If you want the crown of righteousness, then endure adversity, bitterness, persecution in your home, either from other people, or directly from the devil. Establish, Lord! Have mercy, Lord, on my sister-in-law, the widow Anna, who grieves me greatly, soften her evil and treacherous heart (she tossed the letter and unlocked it)! Destroy her evil intentions against me, who through Thy mercy benefits her continually, every day. Grant her, O Most Merciful One, to know herself, to repent sincerely, for she has been without repentance and communion of the Holy Mysteries for two years and has inclined my wife to impenitence; do not allow her, Lord, to dominate my house to reproach Your compassions and trample upon Your gifts. Hey, amen! Turn my wife’s heart to me, O Lord, and turn away her passion from her sister, for from this addiction there is great harm to all of us, as I see: to me, and to my wife, and to her sister; from madness and large-scale nutrition it becomes stagnant, and prospers, and grows in evil. Return my wife, O Lord, to her place and to her work - she has completely left me and is not doing me any favors, much is in disorder in my house, and her sister is rebelling against me and together with the servants who are like-minded to her. It’s hard for me, Lord! 24. Saturday. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace and mercy to celebrate the early liturgy with a clear, loud, separate voice, without stumbling, firmly, with tenderness, and to receive communion without condemnation, into the world. I thank the Lord, who covered my sins and pacified me. I thank the Lord, who gave me peace upon my arrival at my apartment, when I was embarrassed when I saw my enemy, my sister-in-law Anna. I asked for peace, and the Lord gave me peace. I prayed to the Lord in the sorrow of my soul for my sister-in-law Anna and her children, who are very painful to me with their self-will, unbridledness and screams: either let him leave my house with his children, or let him humble himself and honor the owner with whom he lives, and fulfill his lawful will, and let him not suffer in every possible way, insolently, maliciously, in concert with his children and servants. I prayed for the sake of my communion with the Lord in His most pure, life-giving Mysteries. After Vespers. I was at the wake and, having drunk wine and eaten enough, I lost the grace of God received in the communion of the Holy Mysteries, and the devil at the evening service, compline and requiem (from the sailor officer) extremely offended, embarrassed and put me to shame, not allowing me to speak exclamations from the vain fear he had induced. But after this, I prayed alone at the throne with tears, and the Lord granted me forgiveness, peace and freedom. Oh, yes, I avoid excessive wine and satiety and delicacies, which cut off the grace of God from the heart. Lord, have mercy on me. Wake up! Wake up! Wake up! I lost God’s grace even before the wake, partly because I drank unnecessarily, like half a glass of milk after mass and a glass of sweet tea also unnecessarily. You have sinned, you damned, senseless one! After the all-night vigil. I thank the many-merciful and benevolent Lord, who sovereignly saved me four times from the malice and slander of my invisible enemies, who fiercely oppressed me, and who rejoiced me with His salvation and gave me tenderness with tears during the all-night vigil and sincere prayer for the people, and for the army, and for the king, and for the fatherland. While censing, he had a majestic posture and majestic thoughts about the deified man, about the God-man; when standing near the Gospel too. 25. I thank the Lord, who through the temptation of warfare admonished my sister-in-law Anna, so that she went to the all-night vigil yesterday with her children; I thank the Lord, who created peace and love between her and me, which she destroyed; I thank the Lord, who humbled her and made my frequent prayer not in vain for her and myself. How passionate, cowardly, and easily defeated by demonic intrigues I am! Yesterday, during the all-night vigil, there were lamps on the throne in the seven-branch candlestick, shedding a faint light on the throne and the altar; After talking about this with Lieutenant Colonel Petrov, I became embarrassed and agitated, fell into cramped conditions and sorrow, so that I could not read my morning prayers before the royal doors with a free and peaceful heart, having fallen away from God and from the love of my neighbor! But glory to the mercy of the Lord! I prayed to the Lord in the Peter and Paul Altar, touched the throne with faith and prayer - and was at peace. Several times he was indignant at sin (he called the archpriest stingy because of the lamps on the throne) and after kissing the throne with a prayer of repentance he was miraculously revived, cleansed, and calmed down. Glory to the miracles of my Lord! After yesterday’s strong struggle with the demonic machinations and with my infirmities and after a fiery prayer for all people, as the Holy Church and the Holy Spirit living in her taught, after the all-night vigil I felt very, very light and blessed. May God grant me to overcome all passions and all demonic regiments. The enemy played a trick on me while reading the Gospel, confusing and confusing me, darkening and terrifying my heart, weakened by gluttony; but when saying the dismissal, the grace of God strengthened me to say separately almost all the saints, with the exception of the holy noble prince Alexander Nevsky. Holy and faithful Prince Alexandra, pray to God for me, a sinner, to give me the grace to pronounce all the words and names of saints without stumbling, so that I may get rid of the shame of dumbness in front of the people. Our heart is in great blindness and delusion: it gives great value to insignificant things, being seduced by them and carried away by pleasure, and does not give value to objects that have infinitely great importance and constitute its eternal life, eternal bliss. Thus, it chases after vain, momentary honors, often undeserved, after momentary pleasures of the flesh and worldly, sinful, corrupting the soul and body, after corruptible, easily destroyed beauty, after wealth, which often perishes in one hour. Meanwhile, man neglects his soul, created in the image and likeness of God, faith, virtue, love for God and neighbor, eternal life and eternal torment, tramples every wise and good day, the perfect law of God, which he is given to keep. Human! Love God, eternal glory, eternal beauty, eternal pleasure, eternal wealth. Look to him constantly - and you will not be put to shame forever. Sinner man looks wrongly, uncleanly, blasphemously, sometimes maliciously at the wise, pure, good, unblemished, perfect works of God and at the saints of God themselves. Who does not know how wrongly a person often looks at the very faith of God and at the Holy Immaculate Church of God, at her divine services, statutes, rituals, at the persons serving, how crookedly he interprets truths, dogmas, rules of faith, the lives of saints, how wrongly, uncleanly he sometimes looks at holy icons, how wrongly, uncleanly he looks at a woman, at this breadbasket of the human race, at this working church in which God creates the human race, an animated, god-like, holy church, in which God Himself deigned to be created for the sake of His creation! How wrongly a man sometimes looks at a man who is like like, making him an instrument of his whims and absurd lusts! How man distorts his everyday relationships, turning them into a playground of passions, lusts, and vices! Man, created in the image and likeness of God, turns his life into play and amusement, being content to correct his civic social duties somewhat and superficially, while all life should be a constant service to God and neighbors, who demand our urgent [help] at every moment. Good God! How sinful we are, how unworthy of You! How we are burdened with the darkness of lawlessness, omissions, and malfunctions! Oh, what a great task has been entrusted to me by the Lord - shepherding His verbal 54 sheep, which He acquired with His blood [Acts 20:28]! Grant me, Lord, faith, love, zeal, reason, strength and strength to complete this difficult and much-careful task with success and fruitful fruit. After the all-night vigil on September 26th. I thank the Lord, who has given me the grace to celebrate the All-Night Vigil easily, easily, with tenderness, with much boldness, without stumbling, sweetly. And the Lord granted this after my reconciliation with my sister-in-law Anna K. before the all-night vigil. The reason for perfect peace was the gift of a canvas given to me by Yakov Filippovich, a peasant from the Yaroslavl province. Thanks to the elder Vladimir Dmitrievich Nikitin, who expanded the church, so that now there is a lot of air in it and it is easy to serve: the chest does not get tired. September 26. Last night I was tormented: such a strong voluptuous itch was there all night that I had to get up at three o’clock, pray and go for a walk in the air in order to tire out what was tormenting me. This misfortune resulted from boiled water and stale, rotted tea with milk, which I drank three glasses after the all-night vigil. Rotted tea made with over-boiled water is extremely harmful. This has been tested: I have never drank tea like this, and yesterday I didn’t notice it with cream. And I caught a little cold, changing my underwear and putting on a cold shirt. The disembodied enemy often presents to his subordinates the shortcomings of the abbot, real or imaginary, in order to arouse disrespect, hostility, and murmuring towards him in their hearts. We must always not see his shortcomings, but condemn ourselves and correct ourselves with all diligence and constancy, for each of us has many shortcomings, and for ourselves and for the abbot we earnestly pray to the Lord to have mercy, correct and save everyone. Above all earthly powers, transitory, ephemeral, restless, wavering every day, stands firmly, unshakably the eternal power, the unshakable, indestructible power of Almighty God, the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, which gives the right direction to all world powers and events. And people often forget this all-powerful, all-good, all-righteous, all-wise, unchanging power and believe that all events in the world depend on chance or on human passions. The Most Holy Theotokos was forever and ever most closely united with God, the Most Pure with the Most Pure, the Most Simple with the Most Simple, and united human nature with God. How great and wonderful is the mystery - no tongue can express it! I thank the Lord, who surrounds me daily with the joys of deliverance from sins and invisible enemies and spiritual death. Sins kill my soul, but the Lord daily and repeatedly revives me, a repentant one. This was the case during mass before Vespers (indignation at my sister-in-law and cramped conditions, healed by the Lord), and during Vespers, cramped conditions also healed by the Lord for my prayer. The Most Holy Theotokos is the greatest shrine, truth, love, wisdom, strength, help, grace, simplicity, all-bliss, unity, as having united God with people; a watchful eye, watching over His property day and night; silence and at the same time a loud voice, like thunder, pacifying the enemies of the Church. 28. Glory to Thee, Lord, my wisdom, which inwardly teaches me to love those who sin against me, those who are angry with me and to pray for them, despising their dirty tricks, while my old man strives for hostility and revenge on them, worries, is tormented by their malice (when thinking about the deceit, lies, denial, theft of Anna Konstantinovna). The Lord gave me an enlightened heart, I took pity on the unfortunate woman who was perishing in sins and did not want to come to repentance, blinded by passions. Sometimes, however, she seems to come to the consciousness of her mistakes, but not completely, easily, fleetingly. Enlighten her soul, Lover of humanity! Destroy the evil union! She relies on my wife and partly on me, and for this she viciously wants to destroy my alms, while she herself squanders her property on trifles and meanwhile complains about the poverty of the place. I thank the Lord, who delivered me twice and thrice today during Matins from crafty and evil demons, and who gave me freedom out of distress, and who gave me peace out of confusion. I came home after Matins and, seeing the floor in the hall and living room riddled (furrowed), I became internally angry and agitated. But I pray to the Lord to grant me dispassion and peace. Grant me spiritual kindness, Lord! My soul is in confusion and embitterment. I thank the Lord, who has made me worthy to perform Matins and Liturgy without stumbling and to partake of the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving way. After communion, the devil beheaded and killed my heart with malice against the innocent baby Michael, the son of sexton Zrelov, but by the grace of God, after a stubborn struggle, he repelled the spirit of malice. God! How robberly the devil intertwines with us for our worldly passions, with which we serve him, especially for gluttony, delicacy, gluttony, drunkenness, of which I am not a stranger! I thank the Lord, who did not disgrace me in front of the sixth grade of the gymnasium, with whose pupils (some) I dealt harshly. I thought that they would not come up to the blessing and the hand, but they all came up with love. Severity had a good power over them. Palyanov answered a lot based on the book. I thank the Lord, who gave me the grace to perform the evening memorial service for Tatiana (at the pastry chef’s) without stumbling. Glory to the Lord, my helper, my boldness. Establish, God, forever, forever, to perform all services with boldness, a pure heart, and no doubt. Glory to Thee, my hope! 29. I thank the Lord, who has given me this day and raised me up from bed and sleep healthy and cheerful, although I am a great sinner and unworthy of His mercy. I sinned before the Lord by allowing for a moment or more a lustful thought. He repelled him with a prayer of repentance, and the Lord had mercy, saving him from further pleasures. With high respect and shrine, look at a woman as an animated ark and a working church of the human race, as the mother of humanity, as a mysterious, holy and wonderful door created by the most pure hands of God, a door through which a naked man enters at the entrance, without limbs, and a flesh-bearing man with all his limbs comes out - a rational, free, immortal being, in the image and likeness of God. Glory to the All-Creator and God, who created everything beautifully, purely, and with wisdom! The Holy Spirit, who is everywhere and fills everything, 55 is not inactive, but always and everywhere acts, preserves, purifies, sanctifies, creates, 56 gives life, beautifies, governs, especially in the Church of God, brings believing and pious souls to repentance and tenderness, renews, strengthens, perfects, grants rebirth 57 to repentant sinners, like me, and to infants in Baptism and sanctification in Confirmation. Glory to the All-Holy Spirit, the life-giving! September 29. I thank the Lord, who surprised me with His great mercy during the service of the Divine Liturgy, in granting me peace and strength to perform it without stumbling, with great boldness, and to partake of the Holy Mysteries in a life-giving way. With all my heart I glorified the Lord after communion and after the final use of the Holy Gifts. He prayed to the Lord over the Holy Gifts for victory over the Turks and was confident that the Orthodox army would defeat them. O army of Christ and the cross, obedient even in fire and water! May the Lord clothe you with invincible courage and give you perfect victory! In Thee, Lord, let us trust, may we not be ashamed forever. Amen 58. There were communicants - daily pilgrims. Save them, Lord! After the gymnasium, I went to visit and, after eating, drank three glasses of white port wine and tea; This had a bad effect on me, it made me feel feverish, it upset my nerves, and I could not calmly serve Vespers, especially say the Great Litany. No need to drink before evening. 30 Friday. I thank the Lord for victory over all-evil sin. During Matins, Archpriest Pavel Trachevsky came to the church and, as usual, stood at the western door, not for the sake of friendliness and - alas! not for the sake of piety! Having learned about his coming, I was upset, embarrassed and could hardly serve at first, but then with a strong prayer of repentance to the Lord I asked the Lord for mercy, peace and strength to serve more peacefully and cheerfully. But even after Matins, invisible enemies brutally attacked me, confused and tormented me. Only again, through a prayer of repentance, I got rid of them and was at peace. The war is because of yesterday's satiation in the evening (bread and butter, milk, sweet tea) and because of old grief at the archpriest, who has inflicted or is causing us injustice, unfriendliness, dislike, alienation in many ways. May the Lord not hold it against him. Let me, Lord, forget all his untruths and all his dislike for me and for everything. Grant me to see my great sins and not condemn my brother 59. Equally or more, O Lord, speak in the conscience and in the heart of our abbot Paul about his untruths and his dislike for us, and reprove him and favor him and us towards him. We know, Lord, and I have my sins against him: for his untruths I myself did not love and do not love him, I reproached him, scolded him, condemned him in absentia, was indignant at him, especially for negligence in worship, for extreme haste, for alienation from the brethren, for violating fraternal interests, for his selfishness, for his negligence about the poor, for his aversion to trusteeship and in general from alms and for reproaching those who give them alms. But now I repent, Lord, of my grief at him and my dislike for him. For he and I are both worthy of tears and pity, as those blinded by passions and perishing. Enlighten, O Lord, our heartfelt eyes and unite us with the proper union of love, so that in unfeigned love, standing before Thy terrible and holy throne, we will be merciful to Thee, O Lord, to ourselves and to Thy people. Amen. I notice how tirelessly, zealously the enemy acts in my heart to destroy Christian love in it for neighbors and for the Lord Himself, and in general for the authorities it cools the heart - then, in particular, for individual representatives of power, for the metropolitan, the dean, the mayor and some generals subordinate to him, then for those in power, then for the living in general, then for the dead, in general and in particular, then for the household, then for to strangers, to the unseemly, to the poor, who often ask me for alms. It is necessary to preserve, nourish and restore Christian love to everyone. Love your neighbor as yourself [Matthew 22:39]. I thank the Lord for his help during the service of Matins and for the victory over the demons. During the Pokrovsk all-night vigil, while reading the akathist, the disembodied enemy interfered, did not allow me to say: Rejoice, our Joy, cover us from all evil with Your honest omophorion, and with this end my entire reading was spoiled and brought me into confusion and shame, into blush. And this is from the funeral dinner at Konstantinov’s pastry chef, from the quick soup on a fast day, and from beer. He defeated me, the evil one, for intemperance. Forgive me, Lord, forgive me, Lady. Science (church glory) – teaching; upbringing. Wordless (church glory) – crazy, senseless, unspiritual. Koliky (Church Glorious) - how great, how many. Obache (Church Glav.) – however, however. Prayer of St. Macarius the Great “To Thee, Master who loves mankind...” from the sequence of morning prayers. Gregory (Postnikov; 1784–1860), Metropolitan of Novgorod and St. Petersburg. In 1814 he graduated from the St. Petersburg Theological Academy, where one of his mentors was St. Philaret (Drozdov), who had a great influence on him. Since 1819 - rector and ordinary professor of the St. Petersburg Academy; maintained strict order at the Academy, improved educational programs, and improved the financial situation of students; taught theological sciences, Holy Scripture, participated in the translation of Holy Scripture into Russian. His lectures were distributed in printed and handwritten form to many religious educational institutions. The works of Metropolitan Gregory laid the foundation for official spiritual journalism in Russia: in 1821 he founded one of the first spiritual magazines in the country, Christian Reading; in 1855, the Orthodox Interlocutor magazine began publishing in Kazan; in 1857, the Spiritual Conversation magazine, intended for the laity, was founded. In 1822, Gregory was consecrated Bishop of Revel, vicar of the St. Petersburg diocese. In 1825 he was appointed to the Kaluga See, where he began to actively engage in missionary activities among the Old Believers. In 1832 he headed the celebration of the discovery of the relics of St. Mitrophan of Voronezh. In 1848 he was appointed Archbishop of Kazan and Sviyazhsk. He paid special attention to missionary activity, took care of strengthening the common faith, and headed a committee to translate liturgical books into the Tatar language. At his insistence, missionary departments were opened at Theological Academies and Seminaries in St. Petersburg, Moscow, Kazan, and Kyiv. Bishop Gregory was a major specialist in the history of the Old Believers. His book “The Truly Ancient and Truly Orthodox Church of Christ” (1854) was published four times during the saint’s lifetime. In 1856, he was elevated to the rank of metropolitan and transferred to the St. Petersburg See, and from that time on he was a first-present member of the Synod. Metropolitan Gregory was a tireless preacher; he preached at every service, addressing the listeners with simple, brief, but succinct instructions. Metropolitan Gregory was a member of the St. Petersburg Academy of Sciences (since 1821), an honorary member of the department of Russian language and literature (since 1841) and the general meeting of the Academy of Sciences (since 1856). He led a strict ascetic lifestyle and was distinguished by generous charity. He was buried in the Holy Spiritual Church of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra. Evgeny (Bolkhovitinov; 1767–1837), from 1816 Archbishop of Pskov, from 1822 at the Kyiv See. He died in Kiev in the rank of metropolitan. Prayer of the liturgy “Like the Cherubim...”. Ouds (Church Slavic) – members of the body. Vershok is a Russian measure of length equal to 4.4 cm, used before the introduction of the metric system. Tolstoy Dmitry Andreevich (1823–1889), count, statesman. In 1865 he was appointed Chief Prosecutor of the Holy Synod, and in 1866 - Minister of Public Education and held both of these posts until April 1880, when he was appointed a member of the State Council. In May 1882, Tolstoy took over the post of Minister of Internal Affairs and Chief of Gendarmes and remained in this post until his death. As Minister of Public Education, Tolstoy carried out a reform of secondary education (1871), which consisted of significantly strengthening the teaching of Latin and Greek in gymnasiums, and only pupils of classical gymnasiums were given the right to enter the university; former real gymnasiums were transformed into real schools (1872). In the ecclesiastical department under Count Tolstoy, a transformation of religious and educational institutions was carried out (1867–1869). Tolikiy (church glory) – so many. Confusion (Church Slavic) - indignation, shock, confusion (from confusion - to be indignant, to stagger). He will announce advice (Church Glav.) - he will reveal intentions, permissions, plans. Verbal (church glory) – spiritual; understood in a figurative, spiritual sense. Zizhditisya (church-glorified) - to be built, to be created. Rebirth (church glory) - rebirth, renewed life. The song “We praise God to you,” the creation of St. Ambrose of Milan. Prayer of St. Ephraim the Syrian.